From the "Best Of" The 419 Files: Fowl Play (2003)

*Sometimes, a scambait begins with you knowing where the scammer's going, but you're not sure where or how far you're going to be able to lead them afoul of their plans. In this one, the picture at the right will give you an idea where this one wound up. And all thanks to a late typo, one that they -- the scammers -- never recovered from. My opportunistic bad.

This was my favorite scambait from 2003, and until The Papal Chase, my favorite overall. I'm condensing it a bit down from when it was on my old website; may you enjoy it as I did*.

When you receive a scam email, you never really know the twists and turns it may take, once the scammers are engaged. This one took a twist that was foreseen by neither the 419ers, or yours truly.

But it was a hoot, at least to me, how it played every step of the lay. You'll see what I just did there toward the end.

For starters, my character -- the urbane, low-key Dr. Ben Dover, pHd -- is cyberly contacted by the one and probably only Mrs. Glendoven Van Labram (you can see where I took the cue for my name from), a poor, destitute widow, living in some degree of poverty and oppression in South Africa. Her late spouse, before his untimely demise aboard a plane, train, automobile or ostrich spinal stretcher, had secured a multi-million dollar supply of precious gems with a security company in Amsterdam, The Netherlands (Holland). And I -- a foreign national -- could engineer the liberation of this stash, for the benefit of her and her litter (which was never mentioned again after the first email).

And for my time and trouble? I'd rate 30% of the total sum (one that is never mentioned, so I guess they didn't lie when they offered me 30% of nothing).

I was directed to respond with my acceptance to both her, and her attorney, to proceed, her attorney being one Joseph A. McCarthy of McCarthy & Company, Johannesburg, SA.

My reply is in keeping with my standard tactic of test the scammer's comprehension skills early, and often:

This is indeed distressing news, your plight as outlined in your missive. I do not know how you came upon my email address, but this is of no matter; being a good Samsonite of the Old Order, I am bound and oblivious to lend assistance to all windows and oprahs encountered, howsoever flatulent their plea.

As it so happens, I am a widower myself: my spouse of 20 years, Svetlana Beeyotch Schiesse Dover, passed away five years ago from terminal demeaning crotch crickets, and I have remained a promiscuous bachelor ever since (she was quite an ironbox). She left me quite an inheritance, so I want for nothing as I live an austere life as a research project manager at a facility in the splendour of tiny Liechtenstein.

As you wish, I will direct all future correspondence to your well-noted attorney in your effort to give me the business, and work my own unique brand of same through his auspices.

Noting well your desire for secrecy, I will require you and your attorney to limit your correspondence on this matter to this email address, and this one only; it is password protected and encrypted for maximum freshness. Do not try to telephone, as my company records all calls made and received. My born-on-dating is 12-31-55; I enclose a photo of me after a cosmetic surgical operation to minimize the aging process, and while it sorta didn't work (I use a picture, for the first time, of dead comedian Pat Paulsen), it keeps me viable with the Liechtensteinian ladies.

I shall await your next.

A few days later, Mrs. Glendoven's attorney makes his opening gambit:

My name is Joseph McCarthy, Esq., managing partner of McCarthy & Company, Johannesburg, South Africa. We are lawyers to Mrs. Lab Van Glendoven. She has given us instructions to write you with detailed information your require in this business. Her life story is heart broken, she lost all what she work for with her late husband to Zimbabwean government and land reform of Robert Mugabe. Now she has been able to put herself together. We have her mandate to work with you on the gem deposit her late husband make with security company in Europe. The sum and content has been mislead to the security company for confidentiality, but you will be compensated with 30% of the total which is millions, I am assure to you.

He went onto tell me how I'd need to travel to Amsterdam, meet with officials at the Global Diplomatic Security Services repository there, and give them documents that McCarthy would arrange for me. He concluded with I am waiting for your respose as soon as possible to finalize proceedings. Book your flight, confirm and send to us, then call me at (a phone number with what appeared to be a South African country code).

Well, ol' Ben Dover has an immediate response alright:

Bannister, I thank you for your promptness of response and your sense of urgency. What with your sense of decency in helping a poor, destitute widow give to me the business, I can say that it is a conditional pleasure to make your acquaintance in this venue. Before we proceed, however, I refer you to my response to Mrs. Glendoven; I am a resident of Liechtenstein, and do not possess a current passport for travel. Indeed, I have had no need to travel anywhere in years. So your choice of Amsterdam, for me to travel to, is unacceptable.

What IS acceptable is for you to arrange the security company to deliver the consignment to me: in Vaduz, Liechtenstein. You make that arrangement, and I will sweeten the pot for you: I will insist on no more than a 10% fee for my efforts to help the widow Glendoven, and the 20% giveback on my part will be awarded as follows: 10% for you, for your efforts on her behalf, and the other 10% back to the widow, for to help her and her brood with resettlement costs and what not. Frankly, I would think you would be more attuned to her needs; but I realize that you are an attorney, and are not thus wired that way.

At any rate, those are my terms, sir. Please re-review my first with the widow, then get back to me with your legal addendums therefromwith, so that we may jointly work to relieve the suffering of the widow. This is, after all, why we are joined in this circumcision.

I didn't really think I could get these clowns to agree to my change of venue, though it was worth a try; but here was where McCarthy saw an opportunity to introduce a third party into the mix:

I have read and understanded all that you have said, Dover. Since you cannot go to Amsterdam, I suggest that the consignment be shipped to you through an agent in London. He is Mr. Williams Anderson. His email address is ......... and his address is...... contact him now for shipment procedures and other requirements. Let me know concluded arrangements.

I have a humor columnist friend who's dying to participate in this shenanigan, so I try to introduce him as my own third party for the proceedings:

I thank you for your prompt reply. It is good that you understand my circumcisions, and well that you are flexible. It is particularly fortuitious that you have an agent in London; for I also have a contact there who has been invaluable to me in handling my UK-based affairs, both with the ladies and business. I will notify him to, at once, contact your Williams Anderson as directed. I see expedience in serving the widow Glendoven's needs.

Mr. McCarthy was NOT the least bit enthused about my third party, as it turned out:

Thank you for your mail. well i must sincerely tell you that this business is strictly confidential as indidcated by my client in her proposal to you. This means that htis business does not need any third party involved.

Oh YEAH?

I have well read your reply, sir, and I must note that YOU have already introduced a third party, a person utterly unknown to me. So what is this throwing "confidentiality" in my face and denying me a third party, when you have just thrown your own third party into the mix? You, sir, are directed to get back to me on this vital question, and justify the appearance of hypocrisy here. I am no fool with whom rules can be changed on a whim.

It takes a few days, but I finally get back a most snarky reply from the Bannister:

Mr. Anderson is not a third party to this business. He is an accessory to it. If your are not in position to assist the widow, confirm interest in your next mail. good day.

Oh YEAH??

Listen, bub: I so totally do not get your sudden need to spit hares and become truculent. I find your arrogance annoying. I have made it clear that I wish to aid the widow. This has been made as clear to you. How DARE you write back now with your highfalutin verbal debauchery, and challenge my intentions. I repeat: it was YOU who introduced a third party to this proceeding; Mr. Andersons William would be a bug on the windshield, had I been able to go to Amsterdam. Don't get uppity with me, bucko, or you will find yourself explaining to the widow Glendoven why YOU drove ME from helping her at her time of need!

What say you NOW? Go ahead...make my email.

As usual, a testy reply brings on something of a 'retreat':

you are taking this matter too personal. I didnt mean to insult your person. Anway, if I do, forget me please. I am committed to ensuring the widow get her money through you. It was widow that insist you not contact anyone in London to work on this deal. Pelase bear with her. Are you ready to contact Mr. Ansderson? Please do this now.

Oh sure...blame the widow here. I assure you that I am still most annoyed with you, sir. But, in the interests of what is best for the widow's ulteriors here, I will proceed with your third, at the expense of my own. Twit.

So I go ahead and send an introductory email to Mr. Andersons Williams (purposely screwing up the name). What I get back in the next three days, are two successive emails from Mr. Anderson that are blank of any text; the third comes incomplete:

sir: the mesgae tyuped for you was not correct paste. sory for that. here is the full text of mesag. the cost of shipment, claranece and handling charges would be 1,250 pounds stirlings. sned the moneys to me via western union money transfer using the following inforsmations:

Williams Amderson, 48 Regent Street, London SW4. send payment slip to email address an let me have corrent adres for shipment.

What an absolute moron. Just my type as it's time to play, "Piss Off Da Moo-ron":

Mr. Amderson Williams: I hope to f***ing tell you it wasn't correctly pasted. Perhaps YOU've been sniffing the paste. You send me two totally blank emails, and then this incomplete piece of CRAP that I wouldn't wipe your ass with. YOU are the trusted third party to Mr. McCarthy? You are a six-fingered jackass!

I demand that you REREAD THE MESSAGE YOU SENT ME, CORRECT THE OMISSIONS THEREIN, AND RESEND ME THE FULL, CORRECT MESSAGE AT ONCE! Get with the program, Amsted.

Game on:

Mester, no need for insult. the mesage i send and I sended against is same massg is a complete one. go through it once mor and comply with it.

If the insult fits, wear it, Amstel. I see it's the same friggin' message, with yet another friggin' flaw: what about the TEST QUESTION/ANSWER I'm supposed to use on the Western Union, you hammerboned suck egg mule???

While Amderman Willpont ponders that, I send this vent off to McCarthy:

What the f***, Bannister. Your London free-basing third party is totally blowing goats here:

-- he sends me incomplete emails, written by a first grader

-- no wait, a first grader would have done better

This is who you depend on to help the widow Glendoven? I don't trust this buffoon. I don't LIKE this buffoon. I won't DEAL with this buffoon. See what I just did there? I FIRED your buffoon from this deal! I will work directly with YOU, Bannister. Not that nipplehead in London!

LOL...McCarthy is pissed again:

You compalin every little thing. I get same message as ou did from Mr. Anderson. He apologise I think that was enough remosre one should expect from him. I don't have anybody to ship the consignemet except him. I have absolut confidence in him. If you have deep sense of purpose to help the widow, you work with Anderson now. Send him the money he asked for.

Oh YEAH???

Your response is infuriating. Your London free-basing buffoon is unfit to wipe a monkey's ass. Do you want my help for the widow or not? If you do, then GET ANOTHER ASSISTANT! ANYBODY! A F***ING DOOR KNOB WOULD BE BETTER! ANYONE!

McCarthy is still pissed at me, but apparently concerned about losing me at this juncture:

You are at it again. Are we fighting? AM VERY SORRY FOR MAIL. There is okay now? Are you ready to comply with payment? Remeber it is 1,250 pound starling to be sent (THE typo...one that gives me a *TOING*) If you not wish to send money to Mr. Anderson direct, you may send it to my chamber for further remittance to him. You may send it to my secretary name, Martins S. Adamu. I will forward it. Okay?

A "1,250 pound starling"? LMAO...oh, the ideer that just popped into my haid...lemme see if I can keep this ball in play:

WE are not fighting; WE are trying to help the widow Glendoven. But this hammerbonehead of yours in London is f***ing incompetent, period.

But...you offer me an alternative, and I will accept that alternative. I will await updated wiring information, and will prepare to wire you a 1,250 pound starling ASAP.

In the meantime, I decide to further screw with the works, and send an appeal direct to the widow herself:

I write directly to you since you are the reason that we are met in this effort to give me the business. After an extended period of fruitless exchanges, I am of the opinion that your bannister is not worthy of your trust. He has tried to involve me with a thoroughly buffoonish third party in London, and now he wants to add a fourth party, probably of dubious antecedence and tail length. Meantime, he denied ME access to a valued assistant, who if I had been allowed his help, we could have had this deal done by now.

I appeal to you, Widow Glendoven, to let me work directly with you. We can achieve true expedience in this way. These are my thoughts; please to let me know yours. Preferably after spellcheck.

What I get back is a response from a very 'torn' widow, who now wants to involve a fifth party in the mix:

I do not know who to believe. My attorny complain to me about your object to Mr. Andersons in London. Now you want to work with me direct, it means another shipping agent would be involve. I did contact one, a Mr. Wilford Everest. Email him at .......... I wish you not to look at Martins Adamu as a third party, he remains crucal to getting shipment sent. We must make this work, my dear Ben Dover, otherwise you must go to Amsterdam personally to receive shipment. But I would like you to send the money to Mr. McCarthy's secretary, who is currently on leave in Nigeria (*TOING*), he is Nigerian (nooooo...how can THAT be?). Please work with this arrangement, my good friend. I know by your actions that your heart is with me, and inthis I trust you. Please you now trust in me.

I imagined the violin solo from Young Frankenstein at this point...and laughed. But I digress. To grease the skids abit, I send an agreeable response:

Ma'am, I accede to your pregnant request. I will now contact your chosen agent of note. I just hope he's better to work with than that nipplehead in London was.

Then I do nothing. Three days pass, and the widow can stand it no more:

I have not herd from you since your last. I hope all is well, if yes reply this email soonest and let me know where things stand.

After another day, I decide to go back to a 'direct action' plea:

I am nonplussed. I write to your latest contact, and his email address 'bounced' -- it didn't go through. Was he arranged for by McCarthy? Not that it matters at this point.

I want to send the 1,250 pound starling directly to you, Glendoven. In this way I will know that you, and only you, received what I intended right along. How you choose to handle it after I get it to you, is entirely up to you. What's more, in view of the difficulties we have endured, I will forego my commission on this deal; the entire amount is yours, to use for you and yours, as you imagined. So...tell me how to send to you directly the 1,250 pound starling, and I'll make this matter fly to a logical conclusion.

The widow apparently is not being allowed to freelance without her odious colleagues; nor is she able to keep them straight at this point, to my enjoyment:

this is not how it is supposed to work Ben...oh my. sned the money to my attorney's secretary in Nigera. His name is Wilford Everest (it was Martins Adamu..eh). He will get the moneys to London. Send the control number to my attorney direct, please. I am not able to do this myself, please.

Oh, hell...let's add to her 'distress..oh my':

I've had quite enough of dealing with McCarthy and the pack of buffoons he surrounds himself with. I want to send the 1,250 pound starling directly to you. Tell me where to send it to get it directly to you, Widow Glendoven. I will act promptly when you do.

Whoever is playing the Widow Glendoven is quite unstrung at my insistence of sending the money directly to her...what a dipwad. And note just how unstrung she's become:

AM SORRY TO TELL YOU BUT THERE IS NO ALTERNAT FOR ME. TO YOU LET KNOW THAT THEYA ARE THE ONLY THAT ICAN TRUTH FAS AS BUSINS GO. I DONT TO KNOW WHAT ESL IS DONE NOW. PLESE UNDERSAND ME. HELP ME BY USE WHAT I SAY BFOR.

I'm not quite ready to give up on this approach:

Now, widow, it's okay. Really. In fact, remembering that you are in Johannesburg, I have the answer to all of our problems. One question: can you get to your local Western Union office there?

The answer works:

I KNOW OF WETSIN UNION OFFICE HEREBY CLOSE. BUT HOW IS THIS HELP ME?

*Sigh*...well...time to try sending her what they asked for. Except for the fact that I can't find a 1,250 pound starling. So I find something that might work even bettah, and send it, along with my coup de main plan for collecting it:

Widow, now, take a Valium and don't worry. This is going to work so perfectly and easily, you'll wonder why we didn't think of it weeks ago. It so happens that I have a business relationship with someone in the Johannesburg Western Union office. He is a trusted colleague, and he will work with me to help you, as long as you follow the instructions I now give you.

1. You see a picture attached to this email (the one at the top of the column); print it out, because it is pivotal to the outcome. Also print these instructions, so you don't forget. Sequence is important.

2. Take this picture to your local WU; it's really best if you do it.

3. When you get to the clerk at the window, ask for "Foghorn Leghorn". That is not his real name, of course (I can't reveal that, to protect his position at WU), but he'll recognize that as a code word at once. If the clerk you contact looks at you strangely when you say "Foghorn Leghorn", you'll know you've contacted my colleague.

4. Show him the picture. My contact will look at it, then at you, and will ask "what's this?" This will assure you that you have the right clerk.

5. When he asks you "what's this?", you tell him "It's a 2003 Henway".

6. He'll then ask you "what's a 2003 Henway?"

7. You'll then answer "1,250 pounds".

8. He'll immediately pay you the 1,250 pounds.

Try it, Glendoven. I guarantee you of the results!

I waited with guarded anticipation for most of that day; then, I received two replies from Glendoven's email address, both with no text in the message. The next morning, I get a very terse email from Glendoven:

dover damm you! you mak me look idott!!! contat me not more!!!!

When I got done laughing my ample backside off, I, of course, understood the obvious frustration here. Thinking you were going to get a big payday, only to wind up with a henway, one that weighed more than it was worth. I much regret that there was no way to have a camcorder present, to see how this played out at WU, if it did, in fact, get that far.

But, in case it did (as judged from her email reply), *rimshot*

If I were Glendoven & Co., I'd cry "fowl play!" too.