"October Surprise" Via Email

Wow.  Just f***ing wow.

I get lots of online dating ads in my spam mail all the time.  Some of them are even from legitimate outfits.  Like for instance, eHarmony.com keeps sending me online invites, even after not much appreciating how I responded to one prior to Valentine's Day a few years back (and was a previous blog entry here).

Perhaps serious dating sites want to be taken seriously, what with all the fraud out there in datingland, a decent part of which I've highlighted in this blog over the years.

I've had ads for dating, Christian dating, Catholic dating, Jewish dating, special interest dating (ie, dating someone who likes a sport or activity that you do), "It's Just Lunch" dating, 'speed' dating, carbondating...a whole variety of dating.

But the one I just received was a new one on me, though I reckon it shouldn't be nowadays:  a dating site for cheating wives.  A discreet dating site for cheating wives.  So discreet, it wouldn't let me save the whole graphic from the email (as you can see above).

It's called "Married But Lonely".  I guess this is the online answer to Sex In The City.  My only answer to Sarah Jessica Parker is what the Martians did with her in Mars Attacks, but I digress.

Spousal cheating's been around since...spousals, I guess.  I bet we all know someone whose cheated on someone else in our lives.  Quite a well-known list of public figures cheat all the time, and have down the ages. 

Of course, spousal cheating has potentially loads of consequences.  Hollyweird couldn't have made that more clear than in the movie Fatal Attraction.  If your spouse doesn't go psycho on you, the one you cheated with might.

Besides, a vengeful spouse doesn't necessarily need to go psycho on the cheater:  there's always divorce court.  The results of which might make one wish they'd tangled with Glenn Close's character, instead of their spouse's attorney.

Celebrity/public figure cheating can have lots of negatives associated with it.  Just ask Ahnold.  Or sometimes it doesn't; just ask Bill Clinton.

At any rate, the site invited me to post a discreet profile, so that I could be discreetly contacted by local frustrated wives, looking for discreet liaisons of the discreet horizontal mambo kind. 

Now, my own personal philosophy has for the most part been to avoid these kinds of situations.  I've found that life provides plenty of moments of drama -- usually at inopportune times -- so to go looking for more of this kind is, at least to me, downright silly.

Besides, I bait online scammers and chase tornadoes, both of which are pretty sillys ways (I'm told) to attract drama in my life.

Still...there's a temptation here.  Not to help someone else cheat; but to see what they consider to be a 'discreet profile'.  So I 'discreetly' forwarded the email to the address used by my pet rock, Seymour, and had Seymour 'discreetly' make an inquiry.

"Did NOT!!!"

That's okay, Seymour:  you didn't get far enough to make it to having a 'discreet' profile.  Seems that when you sign up, BEFORE you get to make a 'discreet' profile, you have to commit a credit card, just in case you go beyond their 3 day 'free' trial...at which time you start paying $34.95 per month.

"So why didn't you sign me up for 3 free days?"

Because you ain't got a credit card.

"YOU do!!!"

Like I said...YOU ain't got a credit card.

"Phfffffffft!"

Now that Seymour's pouting, I did a little 'screen capture' from the site, just so's you get a flavor of the site  in their own words:


Lonely Wives That don’t play hard to get.
Extramarital Affairs • Discreet Dates • Secret Lovers • • Private Relationships

What are you waiting for? Start your search tonight.

MARRIED DATING AT MARRIED BUT LONELY
Time and time again married men and women get tired and bored with their relationships. Married couples sometimes need a new spark in their love life or a change of pace to keep things exciting. Here at Married But Lonely we do just that. We help single or married men & married women find and secure a discreet date online. If you are looking for a one night adventure, or possibly a new life partner, married dating makes it easy for you to search and find what you are truly looking for. With over 12 years in the industry of discreet dating advice we know what people want. Married dating redefines the possibilities of dating for the select crowd looking for more than what they get at home.
THE MARRIED BUT LONELY DATING COMMUNITY
Everyday men and women join Married But Lonely for a chance to flirt and chat with married women. It could be your next door neighbor or your co-workers wife looking for that next secret affair or discreet date. You never know until you browse the thousands of personals online. Married women are looking for much more than dinner and a movie. The married dating community is an active playground full of surprises and discreet encounters that you can experience today when you set up a free profile. Whether you are shy or outgoing there is someone here for everyone.


I decided that since this doesn't fit me ethically, and since my pet rock would rather travel around the country visiting blogging friends -- than be chased around by a vengeful, jealous spouse -- I could find better things for $34.95 a month to go toward.

Like chinese food delivery ;-)

When God Gets Dragged Into Scams

I'm sure the atheists and ACLU will have issues with this.

I already know the scammer did.

But hey...I only took what the scammer gave me, and twisted the snarf out of it.

Allow me to introduce you to Madam/Mrs Julie Dave, alleged wife of the late Dave, who had a really crappy day on the date of his demise:

Request from Dave's Wife, Julie writing from hospital,

This is Dave's wife, Julie. I am writing this message to you today because my husband Dave passed away on December 17 2009. My late husband was diagnosed with cancer and heart attack just before he was admitted to the hospital. He did begin treatment, but suffered a blood clot and heart attack after his first treatment. After all he died on the same sickness. As a fellow faithful person like you it is my desire and enthusiasm to donate a token/huge amount of money he told about for the less privilege as he instructed me when he was at the point of death. Being a devoted Christian family I have no other option than to use this amount is $22 million to help those that is in need. so I would like you to think over this huge privilege that i am entrusting to your hand for the survival of the casualties and homeless, just send me your full names, home address, telephone number, occupation and more information about you like photograph in your next message for the humanitarian service in your country and for the less privilege one's. Finally, I know you join me and the rest of Dave's family in our sorrow and ask God to accept him in his kingdom. Kindly reply immediately together with your complete address which will be used for the transferring of the money to your country. Reply to this address for immediate detail of this transaction; http://ie.mc1321.mail.yahoo.com/mc/compose?to=madam.julie@kimo.commadam.julie@kimo.com Best Regards Mrs. Julie Dave

Kinda tugs at the ol’ heart strangs, don’ it?

So much so, I just hadda put a twist to how it tugged on mine in the ‘edit’:
　
Request from Dave's penis, writing from hospital:

This is Dave's penis. I am writing this message to you today because Dave passed away on October 1, 2012. Dave was diagnosed with bovinal genital warts as a result of a life-long obsession with sticking me into the asses of various kinds of farm animals. He did begin treatment for obsessive-compulsive mail order rubber vaginas, but suffered a sneezing fit that blew me right off, causing him to run around the hospital ward, trying to catch me to be reattached. That's when he ran out into traffic, and was waylaid by a parked bus.

After all that, he died from psoriasis of the sinus passages.

It is most sad story, yes? Please say yes, I making this sh** up as I go. And it is not easy to go and type at the same time.

As a fellow I just happened to find an email for, it is my desire and enthusiasm for you to think my story is true, and that the next part is as well: being a devoted family penis, I have no other option than to offer the family inheritance of $22 in West African francs to buy someone who'll have me re-attached to any f**king thing. A penis on its own is not a pretty picture, let me tell you.

Finally, I know you join me in wishing that Dave burn in Hell for how he used me all those years. F**king degenerate.

Email me here and let's figure this thing out together. Kindly reply immediately:

madam.julie@kimo.com; she is the nurse that's helping me type this sh**.
What, you thought a penis could type? Get f**king real.
The late Dave's former penis　

Sent to 50 of the madam’s peers and colleagues, it didn’t seem to draw any kind of response, except from this rather unappreciative one from the madam herself:

"u a bad person. god no like u"

True enough, I ‘spose, so far as what she/he/it is using for deity in this case. But long as my ticket to Hell is punched (according to her/whomever), I’m all for going for a seating downgrade:

I hate to disappoint you, Missy, but God thinks I’m funny when I do this. HE doesn’t think you are. Better still, all of your peers I sent this to think you wrote this, and they are cursing you too. Would you like to read their responses to you?

Granted, there weren’t any other responses.  But as expected, she didn’t want to take me up on reading them if there had been any...

Yakety Yak II

Another 'Russian' scam.  Another reply in the vein of Yakety Yak (I).

I found it 'humerus' (not the bone, unless it's the funny bone); the scammer, not so much.  More on that presently.

I present to you only the opening two paragraphs of this latest 'Russian' gambit, in that the scammer had an admonition that I found particularly amusing.  See if you see it:

THE RUSSIAN FOUNDATION FOR BASIC RESEARCH

The Russian Foundation for basic research would like to notify you that you have been chosen by the board of trustees as one of the final recipients of a cash Grant/Donation for your personal,educational,and business development.Kindly note that you will only be chosen to receive these donation once,which means that subsequent yearly donation will not get to you again.

Do ensure you spend this donation wisely on something will last you a long time. Recipients are only eligible to be awarded this donation once.You are required to contact the Executive Secretary below, for qualification document you will be given your donation pin number,which you will use in collecting the funds. Please endeavor to quote your Qualification numbers ( N-222-6647, E-910-56 ) in all discussions.

Not every scammer I've ever come across has admonished me to "ensure you spend this donation wisely on something will last you a long time".  In fact, in 13 years of this crap..er...craft, none has ever so tasked me.

I felt I should work an expression of appreciation for such a thoughtful admonition into my scam re-write, under the auspices of "it's the thought that counts".

I think I forgot:

RUSSIAN FOUNDATION FOR ARTIFICIAL YAK INSEMINATION


The Russian Foundation for Artificial Yak Insemination would like to notify you that you have been

chosen by a large, randy herd of horny yak, as one of those they most want to be artificially

inseminated by!




 

In Russia, this is great honor, yes?  We drink much vodka toasts to eternal artificial yak



insemination!

Kindly note that you have only be chosen to receive these honor because the majority of yaks in



herd selected you by a voice vote. 

How you ask we determine this?  Very easy:  we post pictures of you and 25 other possible



candidates in front of the yak herd, and the picture getting most yak versions of "mooooooooooo"



win!!

It was you who get most "mooooo".

This great honor in Russian Siberia, and we demand that you accept in the spirit of good will and




artificial yak insemination furtherance of detente and glasnost and other Americanski verbiage




which we Russians cannot understand because we speak and write in cyrillic sh**.

    Do ensure you artificially inseminate this yak herd wisely because artificially inseminated Russian       Siberian yak have long memories for perfunctory ejaculation.  Recipients are only eligible to be       awarded this very big Russian honor once, unless we have no takers, then we offer it to you again.        And again...and again....and f**king one more timeski again.  Krastni!

You are demanded to contact the Executive Secretary of the First Russian Federation's Siberian

Artificial Yak Insemination Committee, for qualification document and special pass you will require

on Russian National Railroad, to make trip to Siberia to meet your anxiously awaiting herd of...how

shall I say...very horny yak!!

One is even named 'Lipshun', and has a special treat for you!  As do 'Olga', 'Marykova', 'Anastasia',

'Trina', 'Ekatrina', and two dozen more who swoon at the very sight of your picture, and what you're




going to do to them.

Please endeavor to quote your Qualification numbers ( N-222-6647, E-910-56 ) in all discussions.

You are demanded to assist in the documentation of this special Russian honor we give you by filling

the requested information stated in the form below.


We demand that you are thorough with all required information.


ARTIFICIAL YAK INSEMINATION DOCUMENTATION FORM:


FULL NAMES:

ADDRESS:

NATIONALITY:

STATE:

COUNTRY:

TEL:

FAX:

AGE/DATE OF BIRTH:

HAVE YOU EVER HAD SEX WITH A YAK BEFORE:

IF NO, WHY NOT?:





MARITAL STATUS:




OCCUPATION:





IN A BRIEF EXPLANATION, TELL US HOW HONORED YOU ARE TO HAVE RECEIVED THIS





MOST HIGH RUSSIAN AWARD FROM THE PEOPLE'S YAK HERD "BABUSHKA":


Executive Secretary: Boris Brianski Millavic
Email: barr.b.millavic2010@admin.in.th

Regards.
Mr.Viktor 'Svetlana' Malcovich (I used to be man, but angry yak ripped my penisski off, and now I am a faux woman until I get my virgin yak vagina next monthski). 

Oh yes...I got a reply.  It was not exactly what I was expecting:

no make funny of this.  you are disqualify.

For some reason, I am not sorry that I am 'disqualify':

So I won't get to meet a yak named Olga?  Eh...life goes on.

But not this email exchange...

Occupy Scam!

Yes, the Occupy movement went global.  We already knew that.

And it reached the online scammers, who have signed on!

After receiving, editing and returning a scam job offer from a Dr. Donald Razak (or whoever he really is), I received what I would consider an entitlement-mentalitied, self-righteous lecture from him.

Awesome.

Here's how it evolved:  his original letter, my 'edit', and his indignant reply, in that order (his in bold, mine in italics):

Dear,

I am pleased to see your contact from our company resumes which I would say am comfortable with it.

I have the obligation to seek for prominent investors with good reputation for a joint venture to assist in expanding the wings of our company to so many other countries all over the world.

We are as well interested in placing part of our fund in your field, if your country by laws allows foreign investors.Bellow is what is required of you.

(1) Assist in the transfer of the said sum to your country.
(2) Advise on lucrative areas for this investment in your region.

If this project is workable in your capacity/country,kindly get back to us with your details and your investment plans for this purpose.

Office: Lot T5-2, Level 3,
KPMG Tower No.8 First Avenue,
Bandar Utama 47800 Petaling Jaya
Selangor Darul Ehsan Malaysia 47800
Tel:+60162041874

Yours faithfully,
Dr.Donald Razak.

 
Dear Camel Vagina Lips,

I am pleased to see your contact from our company resumes which I would say am comfortable with it. You would expect me to say that, since if I didn’t contact you, I wouldn’t be comfortable with you, Douche Nozzle.

I have the obligation to seek people who are open to having their genitals replaced with camel penises and vaginas, for an experiment I mean to get funding for and begin in November, 2012.
And you have been nominated, along with others from all over the world.

We are as well interested in placing our camel genitilia in your groin, whether or not your country by law allows such practices. Because we are with the United Nations, so we trump your nation's silly laws. Neener boo boo on you.

What we needs from you is this:

1. Which camel genital will work for you?
2. Are you interest in getting both?

This project is workable in your capacity, so kindly get back to us with your details and your preference for one or both camel genitilia.
Office: Lot T5-2, Level 3,
KPMG Tower No.8 First Avenue,
Bandar Utama 47800 Petaling Jaya
Selangor Darul Ehsan Malaysia 47800
Tel:+60162041874 donaldrazak@gmail.com
Dr.Donald Razak..................................................
The information contained in this message or attachment (s) (are) fornicated hooey and is (are) intended for any stupid son of a b**ch that it manages to get to. If you have received this message, there's no error, we f**king contacted you for a f**king good reason, asshat. You MUST respond to us immediately, or we will put a pox on your favorite penis/vagina. The unauthorized use, disclosure, copying or alteration of this message or attachments is encouraged because we don't have much imagination, and we need f**king help with our scam.
　　
　
From: Donald Razak To:
Sent: Thursday, September 27, 2012 8:19 AM
Subject: TRY AND CAUTION YOUR SELF.

With due respect to God almighty and to humanity,i will urge you to stop raining your insults to people you don't know.is very unfortunate that a lot of things happen on the line this days, but that doesn't give you right to casting dispersions on people you dont know just because you no like their scam. please, learn how to address people and stop make fun of companies and organisations you don't know. I cant have useful conversaton with you throwing insults all the time. what profit will it be for me exchanging words with you when you don't know and refused to know.
thanks and be blessed.
Dr.Donald Razak.


How should I reply to such a self-righteous scree?  Tongue-in-cheek, or foot up ass?  You decide how I dignified his demand:
Doc, or whatever you really are;

At least you admitted that you're a scammer.  That's the one thing herein that we can agree on.

As to the rest...perhaps in your own mind, you deserve something from me.  There are a few small minds around here who feel the same way as you do.  Some of them are called "Occupiers".  They want something for nothing, too.

I don't happen to agree with you.  On you deserving something from me, OR for your demand for respect from me for what you do, and try to do.

You and I cannot have a useful conversation, because your idea of useful and mine are divided by an ethical void that cannot be bridged with your lack of integrity as a base.

Oh, you can demand whatever you want.  But your demands are the equivalent of a fart in a hurricane. You'll get nothing you want from me.  And that includes respect.  What you and yours will get from me is a good deal more of the same "dispersions" cast upon you and your kind.  It's what I do.

Would you be surprised to know that "Doc" Razak didn't follow up with any more lectures?

Didn't think you would...

He's Right...

One of the many scam emails going around out there are online loan scams.  They claim to be legitimate loan services with ridiculously low interest rates, childishly simple applications, and incredible amounts of 'money' to loan.

And once you fall for it and Western Union or Money Gram the *application fee*.....you're screwed.

I get a half dozen or so of these a month.  Almost none of them reply to me when I 'edit' the scam right out of them, and have them loaning things like animal genitilia and such.

But one got rather mad for what I did to another scammer's online lotto email scam.  Yep, he did.  Now, I won't bother you with what I did to the lotto scammer's email; by my own standards, I was pretty crude.

Crude enough to get this loan scammer to fire back at me in what I suppose he considered pretty damning terms.  Here's what Expact Loan Offer <expactfinance7@hotmail.com> had to tell me about my edit of one of his peers scam emails:  You be really mugu, idiot.

That'll leave a mark.

The funny thing is...to a point, he's absolutely right.

Mugu, for those of you who've missed it being explained here, is Nigerian for "big fool".  Idiot, well...I reckon that needs no explanation.

I have friends and colleagues who've long considered my 'hobby' of engaging email scammers as a waste of time and suggesting that I'm a 'fool' for doing so.  A couple have even gone so far as to suggest that my time spent on this past time is time "idiotically spent".

Even 'friends' agree with the scammer.

And let me be clear from my own personal point of view:  there have been times in my life where I have, in fact, been and acted the role of a 'big fool' and an 'idiot'.  Times in my life that I shamefully or uncaringly "didn't play well with others".  Life experiences squandered; business opportunities ignored or mishandled.  Personal relationships fumbled.  Fiscal decisions poorly made.  I have made mistakes; not all of them well-intended or well thought out.  Some of them avoidable.  And you can find people who were there, who don't have a high regard for me as a result.

After 55 years, I can acknowledge my failings and accept how they reflect on me up to today.  Unlike with some folks these days, I know that I have no further than the mirror to look into, to see who's responsible for any time that I've been a 'big fool' or 'idiot'. 

So I wasn't insulted, nor did I take amiss, this scammer's response to what I'd done.  In fact, I thought he deserved thanks for the truth of what he spoke to me.

So I thanked him.  I took the email I'd originally edited so crudely, and edited it even more crudely, and made it look like it was from him.  And sent it to him and 50 of his peers and colleagues.

He was right.  So what?  Replying to email scammers thus probably IS a foolish waste of time and idiocy.  But that's okay in my book; I've already acknowledged that I don't always play well with others...

Scam Email Editing -- Stream Of Unconsciousness Style

Fancy that:  I got an email from Michael Moore.

No, not the fat socialist weasel; one who claimed to represent Yahoo! Thailand, and yet another online lotto scam.

Of course I didn't fall for it, and why would I:  it was only a 'win' of $1,000,000 USD.  With the amounts that I've been offered by scammers in the past 13 years, a simple million isn't even worth my reply.

But I did, anyway.

I went into my 'scam email edit' mode, and allowed my edit to take the form of a "stream of consciousness" style of rewrite.  It had one amusing result.

First, the rewrite:

> YAHOO THAILAND LOBOTOMY ORGANISATION
> ASIA PACIFIC ZONE
> Bangkok Branch Office
> Address: Bangkhunprom Road, Bangkok
> Bangkok 10900 Thailand>
>
> Attn: Email owner,>
>
> Yahoo! Mail announces that today, I -- the sender to you of this email, and all the contents pertaining therein to -- had a lobotomy six weeks ago.  And as you can see, I now snort the banana!!

 

Each and every solar day, I open my anus to a new day, and I say to myself nothing, because I don't understand Azerbijani, but it's what I speak to myself, and this makes me want to have sex with hamsters.

 

The hamsters can come from anywhere:  Canada, Australia, United States, Asia, Europe, Middle East, Africa and Oceania.  Or they can just breathe hard.

 

Do you know how liberating it is to have a lobotomy using genuine GM parts from bionic ostrich penises?

 

Though, I haven't yet figured out the penis replacing a beek as a pecker.  Perhaps a rooster can explain this?

 

 This email was sent to you because, quite frankly, what with my new bottleinfrontofmy, I have a bit of a focus dysfunction and it gives me gas.  Can anyone explain why my gas is taxed?  I fart and the government assesse me for groin house gases.  This is all new to me.

 

So are sweaters for octopus.

 

A mushroom walks into a bar and orders a drink; the bartender says, we don't serve mushrooms.  The mushroom responds, but I'm a real fungi.

 

I don't get it.  I wrote to the Bank/Security Company Bangkok Thailand and inquired of them why this is so, and all I got from them was an ad offering me free checking if I am of Thai origin.

 

I think my birth certificate says Uranus.  But that can't be right; it doesn't say anything, I have to read it.

 

HOW TO CLAIM A FREE CLAM VOICE LESSON
These are your points to ponder:
> Mollusk or marsupial?
> Serial killer of toilet deodorizers?
> Lucky buffalo humps the virgin cow
> NFL replacement refs suck

 

Has there been a thread of coherency here, or am I just whistling at dark Dixie? 

 

Please contact the fat f**k marxist weasel who was supposed to have blowd hisself up in Team America World Police:> Email: mikemoore2647@yahoo.co.jp
> Name: Mr. Mike Moore

Save 4,000 box tops from Depends, and send them along with a self-addressed stamped Winnebago to someone who can't afford the taxes on it.  When you do, give them the sh** listed below:

 

 > 1. FULL NAME ...........................
> 2. COUNTRY OF ORGAN ...........................
> 3. DO YOU WEAR A DRESS ...........................
> 4. DATE OF HATCHING ...........................
> 5. OCCUTARD OR JUST WELFARE COUCH 'TATER ...........................
> 6. TELEPHONE NUMBER ...........................
> 7. LAST TIME YOU HAD SEX WITH AN INFLATABLE MARMOT ...........................
> 8. FAX NUMBER ...........................
> 9. MARITAL STATUS ...........................
> 10. IN 100 WORDS OR LESS, DESCRIBE MISSIONARY SEX WITH AN ELEPHANT ...........................
> 11,A scan copy of how your winkee/vaginal parts looked afterward ...........................

Remember that dealer prep and options on all lobotomies come with free floor mats and cup holders.

 

Note also that 10% of nothing will garner no glandular reversals to give you what you had before you became what you no longer are.  Read that back to me three times in kanji and don't forget to include egg roll.  This offer is void where it ran afoul of a bowel movement.  See what I just did there?  Neither do I.

 

Yahoo has no idea about any of this, and would probably develop vaginal cramps if they broke wind of it.

 

An original copy of your pre-circumcized winkee is available for bronzing.  Please contact our Administrative Remittance Operation Manager, who will plead for another Fifth of any kind of spirits.  He hates sobriety in Thailand.

 

Once again from all members of our staff, we have no idea what we said, in what language we said it, or why it was said without an oral  douche nozzle rinse aforespeak.

 

We wish you continued good wet dreams.

InSincerely,

> Mrs. Mai Phat Thong
> Vice President
> Yahoo Penile and Vaginal Lobotomy Industries
> AND

> Mr.mike  Moore
> Abjectly useless socialist weasel and fat f**k

 

Copiedwrong © 1995-2012 The Yahoo Genital Forest Preservation Society, Thailland. All rights postmarked by a manatee. Terms of Service - Really?
>
> This e-mail transmission is intended only anyone with any form of computer, and may contain information that is as fraudulent as an edible bowel movement.

> If you are not the intended recipient, horse puckey, you were and always have been intended to receive this sh**.  Really.  We sent it to you, didn't we?

> Reading without answer this communication is stricly prohibited. At least tell us to f**k off.  Your colorful metaphors are highly appreciated.   Send your bitches here to 

mikemoore2647@yahoo.co.jp

 

Whoever the scammer is, he or she did not understand what was going on here:

 

what does all this means?

That made for an easy response:

Beats the tarpaper out of me;  you sent it.  Are you REALLY from Uranus?

The question will apparently never be answered...

Slapstick Humor to a Rock

Research studies take on some pretty strange subjects to obtain funding.

For instance, in a recent online post, a psychology study of how group 'bonding' takes place when humor is introduced to the group, discovered -- reportedly -- that apes like slapstick humor and love to prank each other.

This isn't likely to answer the high costs of energy, entitlements, or create jobs, but it could prove useful when Joe Bidumb campaigns at a zoo for voters that don't need to show ID.

Having a bit of fun with that article, I interviewed my pet rock, Seymour, and expanded the thesis thus postulated into the following, which will eventually come to explain the photo at the right:

Rocks – Pet and Otherwise – Are Ambivalent To Slapstick Humor
By Ben Dover – Geologics Explained Of Quartz
　
A new study recently published in the journal Evolution & Geologic Behavior In Barlighting shows that laughter plays an inconsequential role in geologic social bonding. Researchers – using picks, shovels, bulldozers – formed "laughter groups" of rocks to demonstrate that laughter cannot emanate from a gathering of rocks, no matter how many pet rocks are interspersed, cue cards are used, or pictures of Joe Bidumb wearing a tutu are displayed.

In the course of the research, however, it was discovered that platypus enjoy Roadrunner-Wiley Coyote slapstick humor, which was included in this study for reasons I cannot determine.

‘Red’ Robin Dunigan, associate professor emeritless of devolutionary geologic psychology at the University of Oxnerd and one of the bulldozer drivers, advised Dysfunctional News Online that language-based jokes tend to be wasted on rocks. Slapstick humor, however, does trigger a response akin to Joe Bidumb telling a joke about what you get when you cross a Jehovah Witness with an atheist: someone who knocks on your door for no reason – causing rock versions of how your dog looks at you when you’ve said something particularly confusing or stupid.
In addition, Dunigan said that no evidence was found that rocks play practical jokes on each other – like placing an explosives-removed stick of dynamite underneath another rock and lighting the fuse – or that rocks have some kind of geologic sladenfreude laughter that is directed at other rocks’ misfortune.

These observations helped get stimulus funding for this ridiculous study after one researcher suggested that rocks, if they could vote, "they, like you know, dude, would vote Democrat, because...well, like you know, because rocks are part of Mother Earth, dude".

Democrat Representative Nancy Pelosi endorsed the funding, telling reporters "We need to waste this money on the study to find out what’s in it".

The actual study originally dealt with whether or not rocks could be trained to react, in a Pavlovian manner, to artificial stimuli ("ring a bell, the rocks interact, ballroom dance, go mosh pit and stampede, stand in an unemployment line, stuff like that.."). Not helping to bring credibility to the study was the fact that several researchers hung around in bars located near quarries and canyons in the western US, Afghanistan, Tibet, Chile and the Russian Urals, working on a barlighting theory of geologic carbondating, or so they explained it on their expense reports.

It showed that research grant money could easily be squandered in a barlighting environment.

There had been a short YouBoob video made of an audience of an assortment of rocks, being exposed to slapstick humor. Except for one moment – when Joe Bidumb tries to explain geologically how he and his running mate are relevant to achieving rights and welfare entitlements for rocks, and an overflying bird craps on his head – the rocks were rather ambivalent to the slapstick.

The White House press secretary said the laughter on that occasion came from the humans doing the filming – allegedly from Fox News – and not the rocks. One of several versions of ‘taken out of context’ correction statements are expected within the week.

Which brings me back to the photo up top:  apparently rocks DO have some sense of humor, as witnesses to this rock-on-car incident in Clear Creek Canyon  a few years ago can attest.  Witnesses stated that for a few seconds after the rock landed on the car, a smattering of applause and snickers were heard, and no other human witnesses were nearby, or doing either, at the time.

As for Seymour, he isn't saying.  He's just sitting there grinning...

Pissed Again -- Over Emails, Owls, Digits

We've all done it:  glanced over something hurriedly or distractedly, and completely misinterpreted it.

I'm sure that this happens often in the lives of the scammers I deal with.  Not all of them send me a heartfelt wish for me to self-gratify.

Not all of them realize that they should have.

About a month ago, I received a scam from a Gabriel Obi.  It was nothing new or terribly imaginative:  he just needed me to be a 'next of kin' to get 50% of $28 Million USD he knew of in a bank wherever the hell he was.

He didn't respond to what I did to his original email -- I turned it into a plea for help with his "incontinence problem" -- but I kept forwarding to his email address random rewrites of other email scammers.

After forwarding him a more recent rewrite that I'll spare my blog-reading audience --  because I went beyond my normal tackiness which would require too much redacting --  I found myself engaged with Mr. Obi in a most curious and unexpected exchange.

Read it in its entirety:

From: "mr.gabriel_o@yahoo.co.uk" <mr.gabriel_o@yahoo.co.uk>
To: Irrelevant
Sent: Thursday, September 20, 2012 2:16 AM
Subject: Re:
Who are you ?
Sent from my BlackBerry wireless device from MTN

Might his curiosity evolve into continued dialogue? I – under the ‘guise’ of my pet rock – decided to see:

From: Irrelevant Date: Thu, 20 Sep 2012 01:38:11 -0700 (PDT)
 To: mr.gabriel_o@yahoo.co.ukmr.gabriel_o@yahoo.co.uk
ReplyTo: Irrelevant
Subject: Re:
You should know me...you sent me an 'offer' a few weeks ago. Think on it some.
Seymour Petrock
Geology Major
Red Rocks Community College
"Nothing's harder than me"

Yep, his curiosity was somewhat aroused:

Ok were are you from? All I need form you is your full info. Now thanks
Sent from my BlackBerry wireless device from MTN

My reply was to send him back the email of his that I had rewritten in a most unbecoming manner for him (without recapping it entirely, let’s just say that I turned his request for someone to fill in as a next-of-kin, into a plea for help with his ‘incontinence’), along with this:

This is what you sent me. I fail to understand what it was I was supposed to do with an email like this. Explain please.

He apparently wasn’t interested in what I’d done to his original email, if he even bothered to read it. Instead, I got this:

I need you as my net kin? So that 28m we be pay to you. Bank account as soon as I have your full info now. It will only take two working days
Sent from my BlackBerry wireless device from MTN

I sent him back a quick little "what’s in it for me?", taking a page from his ‘not reading what he writ’ book of email responses.

His reply was to the ‘point’:

50%
Sent from my BlackBerry wireless device from MTN

My response was necessarily enthusiastic to keep this dialogue alive:

FIFTY F**KING PERCENT OF 28M??????? I am so IN...exactly what do you need from me?

After a few minutes, he sent me back this:

Your phone number and your full name , your bank acc/number , home address. Email me back or call me at  +234 8055220631 Thanks
Sent from my BlackBerry wireless device from MTN

Awesome...a Nigerian phone number (country code 234 is Nigeria).  So I hurriedly dug up some faux bank account information another scammer had sent me months ago, and threw it together with an abandoned property (still addressed) in a nearby mountain town (in case he google searches the address). And I concluded with this:
　
F**k, this is so awesome! Let me know when this is ready; I will need to open another f**king account to move funds into!

Apparently, what he didn’t ‘need’ from me was certain kinds of colorful metaphors, which I had just used once too many for Mr. Obi:

no not use that word with me if we do busness okay? I no like that word okay? You agree?
Sent from my BlackBerry wireless device from MTN

Since I’d found a ‘tweak’ point, I decided to exercise it:

F**k, I’m sorry. I didn’t know you didn’t like f**k. I’ll f**king watch it from here on, okay? So, what the f**k do I do now?

Surprisingly, a simple word like f**k was apparently on the verge of being a deal breaker for poor prudish Mr. Obi:

What am I say to you about that word???? STOP!!! If you want 50% of 28M you will not say that word no more. You agree?
Sent from my BlackBerry wireless device from MTN

You know me...of COURSE I hadda agree in that manure I am so apt to apply:

I’m f**king sorry about that. I won’t say f**k, or write f**k, or think f**k anymore during this transaction, I f**king promise.

The deal was apparently more important to Mr. Obi after a bit of time to ponder it, for he no more says anything about my use of the f-bomb...for now:

You be serous with me now ok.  we get to busness ues?
Sent from my BlackBerry wireless device from MTN

There you have it -- a few hundred dollars is more important than a principle.  So we continue to banter.  And Obi snows me under with emails, asking the same things repeatedly.  To save time and space, I will now give you the chronology of the balance of our conversations, his in bold, mine in italics:

you need pay transport fee.  How much do have at hand now we you if have up to $ 250 email me and tel me now am waiting for your email now

I gots $250.  Why, you wantz $250?

PLEASE BEAR IN MIND THAT REQUEST $250 IS FOR THE DOCUMENTS THAT WIL BACK YOU UP IN ANY BREACH OF LAW

　
Where do I send the $250 and to whom?　

Send the to Money Grand . Name ARTURO MUNOZ. Sender Name IRRELEVANT. Text quest.... Hope ans.... Again. Them send me. The mtc number now am waiting for your email. As soon as the money is sent by monday you will get your money in your bank as soon as.　

Alright sir...I am holding you to this. I will find a Money Grand near me and wire the money after I get off work Monday.

This is to officially acknowledge the receipt of your email with the content well noted by this office. Be informed that we shall wait to receive the payment for the approval of your fund release of your fund. Meanwhile note that I have informed the approval department that the payment will be receive through money gram as indicated in your email.
(After receiving three copies of the same response, I note it): I see your office does everything in triplicate. I'll send you one notice when I've made the payment.

For the next couple days, Obi sends me back first the next email, then 15 copies of the one that follows it:

Okey am waiting for your payment informing now. You have the name I send to you as soon you make the payment send me mt c number ok and the payment info . Thank you 　

Sir how are you today and is work. What is going on we you have you make the payment? Email me now thank you and also send me your phone number

Obi’s impatience is showing: it’s Sunday night here, Monday morning in Nigeria:
　
Sir are you back from work now? Am waiting for your email. Thanks

I am just going to work now. I won't be able to wire the money until 6pm my time this evening (about 11 hours from now). Patience, please. I'll email you when it's wired.
I decide to whet his appetite a bit with my next email Monday before I go to real work:

As luck would have it, I got off work early, so I could go attend a work-related social function tonight (my boss insisted). However, on my way home I stopped off and wired your money as instructed. I'll look forward to the money transfer into my bank account. Talk to you tomorrow.

Thanks for your email response concerning the payment for the transfer of your fund. Sir be advice to forward me the MTCN CONTROL NUMBER, SENDERS NAME to enable the receiver to pick up the fee so that the processing of your tranfer will commence immediately. I shall wait for your email urgent response
I don’t get home until early Tuesday morning, and this makes Obi nervous, without his noting I’ve had three different email ‘names’ cross his screen:
　
Hello moose what is going on.why no email from you　

I decide to see if I can make him twitchier:

Time for a quick note before I dash off to work. I sent the Money Gram to the person you told me to send it to, remember? And what's the MTCN number? What does that do?

Thanks for your email update. I understand that you have wire transfer via Money Gram. Not that with out the Reference Number the receiver can not pick it up. Kindly send me the Eight Digit number or attach the payment slip to me immediately. Reply fast.

After receiving that email about a dozen times from Obi, I decide to opt for a ‘receipt’ to show I ‘sent’ the payment. I find one online, down load it, resize it enough times to make it ‘fuzzy’, and send him that along with this: 　
I do not know what you mean by 'MTCN' number, so I scan the receipt and am send it here.

Thanks for your email I will. Get back to you as soon as.
Even though he can’t read the receipt – and if he can, he’ll never get a dime out of it – he’s pleased to have the receipt:
　
Sir thanks again. And I will like you to. Re send me your full informing again. Your full name , your phone number, home address and your bank/acc number and your age. Am waiting for all of this now. Thank you again

So I did. Then we get into a game of telephony:

Mr Seymour Petrock am trying to call your phone but is not going why? I will you to call me as soon as you can now am waiting for your hers is my phone number +234-805522-0631. 　

I tried to call your number but it is not a UK-based number? Where ARE you?　

Sir am in nigeria now that is my nigeria number ok not uk number you have to try again +23480-55220-631. Am waiting for your call now thank you Mr Gabriel

Since the number I gave him is a fax number that no one ever answers, he’s getting no where fast:
　
That is strange....all the time I am think that you are in UK. Isn't that strange? I try call you and it not work because you is not in UK. How did I think you are in UK? Anyway, I am home, you can call me.　

Sir I tried to call your number but I can't here yo　

It is most strange...I answer phone but I cannot hear you neither. What can be the wrong here? But we can communicate this way? Did you transfer the fund to my bank accounts yet?

The bank will email you today. As soon as you get email for the bank. Get back to me ok 　

Okay I do that.

It’s clear at this point that Obi – with the faux receipt – thinks he has me. And will probably think thus until he can catch a goat to his local Money Gram location in fly-infested wherever he is. Then will come ‘the great awakening’. Maybe...or maybe not yet.

Obi has decided he can't read the receipt I sent him:

Sir thanks for your em ail response with the content well noted by this office. Sir, be advice that i have received your Attached which i could not be able to View the Information on the Money Gram Transfer Slip.

Sir, since you have the MONEY GRAM SLIP with you all you have to do is that you should look into the Receipt you will fined where is written REFERENCE NUMBER which is given to you by the Money Gram Office.

All you have to send to this office is as follows.

SENDERS NAME: ..................
SENDERS ADDRESS: .............
REFERENCE NUMBER WHICH IS THE EIGHT DIGIT NUMBER:...............

Sir be advice with out having this Information the receivers will not be able to receive the Payment kindly understand that get back to this office immediately so that their will not be any delay in your Fund Transfer.

I shall wait for your Urgent response.

Let's see how crazy I can make him:

Yes, I see that this receipt has 8 numbers on it.  Well, actually it has more than 8.  All the numbers together equal nearly 20.  Which ones do you want?

Sir, the one i needed from you is the 8 DIGIT NUMBER which i called REFFRENCE NUMBER. you can proceed to the Bank where the Payment where sent and asl them that you want the 8 DIGIT NUMBER which is the REFFRENCE NUMBER.

I wait for your urgent reply to enable the receiver to make pick up of the fees.

Sir, I don't need to go pester the Money Gram place I visited.  I see the number you mean here.  There are 8 of them in one group.  Which one do you need?

Sir, thanks for your urgent update and response. Be advice that the needed one is the 8 DIGIT NUMBER which is the Reffrence Number.  Meanwhile, be advice when sending it, you are advice to send us the SENDERS NAME, SENDERS ADDRESS, TEXT QUESTION AND ANSWER which you used in sending the Payment.

Fine.  There were 8 numbers.  I sent it to Arturo whatizname.  I sent it from my pen name, Jack N. Ewehoff (I write, so I use a pen name).  Seymour Petrock is my real name.  I used the address I already sent you.  Text question was 'onion', and the answer was 'layers'.

Sir, send me the 8 digit number and also the senders name pls. be fast with this Okay. Send it to me now.

 

I already told you I sent it under my pen name, Jack N. Ewehoff, and I ask you again which of the 8 numbers do you need? What the f**k?

 SIR THE ONE I NEED IS THE REFERENCE NUMBER WHICH IS THE 8 DIGIT NUMBER. 　

Don't get testy with me! I ask which of the 8 numbers you need, and you keep saying the 8 digit one. WHICH ONE IS THE 8 DIGIT ONE??

 Sir you are misunderstanding this Issue. All i need from you is the REFFRENCE NUMBER which is 8. Sir, kindly get me the one you have there so that the Receiver will go with it to the Bank and pick it up okay. Waiting Urgently.　

Well, since you won't tell me which number you need, I'll pick one...7. It's in there twice.　

Sir, listing send me the 8 degit number you have in the receipt if really you send the Payment or Re attached it once again. 　

There is one 8 among the digits along with 7 twice. Is that what you need?I think I’m starting to wear him down:

is this hard for you understand. It is 8 digit number. That all I need now urgently. Please stop this difficult please.

I send you what I got and you not tell me more. I send you an 8 digit and two 7 digits. So now that you got the numbers you need, let me know when the bank makes the tranfer. This funding transferring is hard work. I need a nap.　

Yes not only 8 digits but the owl. Number ok am at. The bank now

"But the owl"? Looking for any tangent to take, I am so gonna run with it:
　
What owl? Where did the owl come from? At the bank?

No just send all the 8digits number. That all ok. We have no time on our side. Go on and send all the 8digits. Number now　

Not so fast..I want to know about the owl. What is an owl doing in your bank?

　Not in a bank ok　

You told me you had an owl in the bank. Are you or is an owl in the bank?

　What I mean all the 8digits. Number why are you doing this we have no time Pleas look for the number and send it now 　

well dammit, you're the one that mentioned an owl at your bank. You said it! I quote you below: "Yes not only 8 digits but the owl. Number ok am at. The bank now". Did you know that Great Horny Owls occasionally mate with chickens, and that's why chickens are called "fowl"?　

sir i have given you example of what i mean by Reference Number. note that the Total Number must complete 8 in number example 55464565. So check the Receipt you have with you and count any number inside the receipt any one that is up to 8 in number send it to me immediately.

What was with the owl? Why did you tell me there was an owl?　

Sir be advice that it was a computer error okay. Since you are at the bank i will advice you to ask the bank to give you the Reference Number which will complete 8 in number. I will wait for your email.

Damn...I like owls. Oh well...so I am not a bank, but I can go to one. I'll ask them about the numbers.

　So sorry about owl.

I’ll bet you’re not. I’ll email you after I go to bank.

Please to hurry. Time not on our side. Email me reffrence number immediately.

He might think he’s moved past the owl gaffe, but he ain’t yet, especially since he brought it up again:
　
Sir like i told you in my previous email that it was just a mistake okay. So i will advice you to go to the Bank and ask them of the Number okay.

I took a reasonable amount of time for the trip to the ‘bank’ – I was sure he was bursting with anticipation in the time – and then I began again:


　How the f**k can you make a mistake like that? What other word in our language is remotely close to ‘owl’? Only one I can think of is ‘awl’, and we haven’t talked about that.

But do you know what is ironic? When I get to bank, they have special for new account openers: an owl clock! How f**king cool is that? Anyway, I go to bank, but they can’t help me; they told me I have to go to place where I sent Money Gram from. Why did you tell me to go to a bank? Sh**!
Anyway, the lady at the bank -- she was very nice -- she tell me that I was correct: there are 8 numbers. Since I told her that I've already gived you 3 before you told me about the owl by mistake, she told me to give you the other five numbers, and she asked if you want an owl clock?

Ah, now we’re back to getting pissy about my language:
　
You should mind the way you talk to me okay. Sir i have informed you several times with out number that you should go to Money Gram Office where you send the Payment to confirm of the Reference Number of the 8 DIGIT.
Sir, be advice to send the Comply Number so that the receiver can go and pick it up so that we can start your transfer immediately before the Bank will close from work. If you have it, kindly send it to me as soon as possible.

We already had our exchange about the f-bomb early on. Wanna revisit it? Hokay...without the other numbers included:
　
Hey...I didn't bring up owls and banks and sh** like that, you did. Don't f**king talk to me about what I say, when you make 'computer mistakes'! I may not be the sharpest tack in the box, but I don't take kindly to you talking down to me, bub.

After all those emails, and after all that work for a paltry $250, I guess the ‘f-bomb’ was one too many to convince Mr. Gabriel Obi that he had any chance left at fame, fortune, the Nigerian Scammer Wall of Fame, and $250 quick bucks (I also note he got himself a new wireless device):

you never send money you asshole. do not contact me more we done.
Sent From My BlackBerry Wireless Device by Gabriel Obi

I couldn’t resist one last dig with the owl:

So...this whole thing was nothing but a charade, huh? Finally we learn the truth: there never really WAS any owl at the bank, was there?
Sent from your Blackf**kingBerry Wiref**kingless Def**kingvice by an owl HOO is laughing at you.

You think mebbe next time he’ll read ALL of the email response, before thinking he’s got himself a pigeon, instead of BEING one?

Nah...

Does The UN Know?

*Note:  if you're a big fan of the UN, and think it can do no wrong, you ain't gonna like this post*

For the past several years, email scammers have crafted  and recirculated a ploy that tells recipients they are entitled to compensation from a UN program for victims of online scams.

LOL. 

Scammers:  using the UN to further their fleecing.
Not that the UN doesn't do some fleecing of its own.  But I digress.

Anyway, I recently received yet another effort to give me the business via a compensation offer from the UN, Federal Republic of Nigeria, and the FBI.

Yes, you read that correctly.

I'll not bore you with their email.  Instead, I'll bore you with what I dun widdit:

From: United Nations Mistrust Hundfotts <info@united.com>
To:
Sent: Thursday, September 6, 2012 5:45 AM
Subject: BENEFICERARY

 United Nations Mistrust Hundfotts
 Democlusterf**k Embassy Nigeria Department of Horses Hangdowns
 Palais des Nations CH-1211 Geneva 10
 Federal Repugnant Of Nigeria
 50 Westminster Bridge Road Scheisterland

 BENEFICERARY,

The United Nations Mistrust Hundfotts Program (UNMHP), in conjunction with a few loosely-connected internet cafes replete with sh**heads of dubious antecedence and bowel inclinations, have violated small furry animals for the past 10 years, and found out why you have not joined us in this perverse sexual practice.

It is because you do not understand.

You have not fulfilled the obligation given to you in respect of your requirement by us to join us in the sodomous violation of small furry animals. 

Secondly we have been inform that you are still refusing to deal with our officials in the Nigerian House of Sodomy, which is making our task more difficult. 

We wish to advise you that such an illegal act like these have to stop that if you wish to not suddenly have pictures show up to your wife, your employer, and to all your friends, of you having sodomous relations with a marmot, you will immediately cease your resistance to our efforts and you will conform to our dictates.  See what we just did there?  Neither do we.

Mr. President Dr. Goodluck Ebele Jonathan (GCFR) has gone to great personal pains -- and he has the bite marks on his penis to prove it -- to make a "how to" video for you, on the steps necessary to sodomize small furry animals.  Our Federal Republic Of Nigeria is prepared to work with your FBI in WASHINGTON DC, to bring you into line with this UN program.

We plan to exploit more people with this program as we get the UN to support our sodomy objectives for not just small furry animals, but larger ones, too.  This promotion is just one various ways we are presently using to achieve this global vision of ours, and bringing sodomy of all things animal to the world.  Our UN is in the forefront of this effort, and we are forever grateful to have such sick bastards there to show us the way, and in turn, we will bring you to see the light.

 You are to contact our Sodomy of Small Furry Animals Center, to schedule your initiation into this very UN-perverse practice.  You contact the person below, please: _______________________________________________
 Dr.Ernest John.
 E-mail:  atmcardclaims1@aol.com
 Phone +234-809-4189-189  (call him anytime, day or night; he's still recovering from having his winkee bitten off by an unwilling fruit bat)

When contacting the claims Officer you should include the following:

Full Name:
Phone and Fax Number:
What small furry animal you want your first sodomy experience with:
Your Age, Last Time You Had Sex With A Sock Puppet, and Current Occupation:
Country:

The Sodomy Of Small Furry Animals Center has been mandated to issue out whatever small furry animal you request.  It will be live-shipped via UPS to the address you provide.  If it arrives dead, sodomize it and take pictures, so you can prove you've done what the UN and we require of you.

Also for your information, You have to stop any further communications with any one from the Democratic National Committee; sodomizing Debbie Wasserman-Schultz, while akin to doing a marmot, is not qualified under the UN dictates.  Besides, she'll give you crotch crickets.  We're just sayin'....

Special greetings from the entire Staffs of United Nations Sodomy Of Small Furry Animals Department
Signed,
Ban Mai Phat Moon
(UNITED NATIONS SECRETARY GENERAL and practiced small furry animal sodomizer since '05)

As one scammer wrote back to tell me -- Andreas Davillas (or so he calls himself) -- I have no shame:

r u shame of u?  u should b.  un is good.

Should I be "shame of me"?  Mebbe.  I address it thus:

I have pencilled in a moment of shame for me to feel about this on November 23, 2035.  And perhaps by then you can tell me just what the un is good for.

He apparently doesn't want to have to explain that:

f*k u

I do hope you're not planning to compete in a spelling bee anytime soon.

I think that hurt his feewings...or an unwilling fruit bat got his winkee, too.

Oh Nuh-UH!



"Hi, I is the interdimensional creature what steals your missing socks for mating!"

 2012 is just full of potential disaster and doom.  No scheduled 'Rapture' this year.  The 'end' of the Mayan Calendar.  A near-miss by an asteroid.  No more 20 oz sodas in NYC.  The worst potus in history possibly getting re-elected.

Like I told you...scary stuff.

Well, here's one more that I just heard about:  NASA predicting a 'universal alignment' that triggers a three day 'dimensional change', converting our world into something quite unlike we have or know now.

An alignment scheduled to take place between December 23-25, 2012.

Which wouldn't matter, if the Mayans had their calendar act together.

Anyway, some online posts on Failbook and other places are circulating an alleged story that NASA says this 'universal alignment' will cause a dimensional shift, one that will forever change the Earth as we know it.

If you live in Detroit, you'd probably welcome that.

Of course, killjoys like the Urban Legends website tend to shoot the story to pieces with denials from NASA.  Still...in my life experience, where there's smoke, somewhere within it is my kitchen.

I went out and found one of the stories that the naysayers are debunking and discrediting.  See what YOU think:

HEADLINE: FUNKILY-CREASED PILLOW LEAVES NASA WORRIED ABOUT DIMENSIONAL CHANGES WITH PLANETARY LINE UP
Jack N. Ewehoff – AP* News
　
Scientists from a plethora of national and world localities – including a couple or so purporting to be from NASA -- predicts a total balls-up on 23-25 Dec 2012 during alignment of ‘the’ Universe.

Yes, that place we all live. Or think we live, if you’re into creative alternative reality without drugs, alcohol, Red Bull or sniffing Spam.

Purported NASA scientists predict some kind of a universe change after total blackout of the planet for 3 days from Dec 23, 2012. And – what lends credibility to this story, insist inside sources – this is all based on the crease lines in the face of one researcher who fell asleep on her NASA-designed cybernetic mammory foam sleep number space pad – designed for deep space astronaut sex – on which she dreamed of meeting Mr. Spock as they passed thru the Guardian, a time portal some light years from Earth, experiencing a total logic cosmic orgasm.

It is not the end of the world; it is however an end to anyone being impressed with Meg Ryan faking an orgasm in a movie.

"We could wake up to a new world dimensionally different than the one we went to sleep to", says one NASA insider. "A world where parking meter maids will all sprout wings, buffalo butts, faces like Nancy Pelosi, and fly over large metro areas, defecating on pedestrians and bill boards".

"That is not a dimensional reality we hope shows up", one NASA anonymous source said with a wince.

By several accounts – for scientists cannot agree on the interpretations of the data being received in kanjied Martian script from Pioneer 11 – there will be an alignment of the Universe, where the Sun and the Earth will align for the first time against Uranus, settling once and for all how Uranans feel about their planetary representation.

Meantime, the Earth will shift from the current third dimension to a zero-sum dimension, then – like a woman who can’t make up her mind where the piano needs to go in the corner of the bathroom -- shift to the forth dimension on an interstellar parallel parking universal quadralangal of dubious quantumcedence. During this transition, tortoise will have world class speed, cows will be able to operate DVD remotes, belch, fart, and enjoy grilled flank steak from humans, and Hedweg will finally tell Harry Potter what he really thinks of stuffing and mounting Hermoine.

One thing all scientists agree on: Congress will try to find a way to screw it all up.

The 3 days blackout is predicted to happen on Dec 23, 24, 25....during this time, Santa Claus will think he’s on the biggest acid trip he’s never before experienced, trying to deliver toys to interdimensional unimaginary 30 foot tall triciploplotz, and being attacked by mutant rhihamsteros from Toy Story IV. Staying calm is most important, along with hugging each other and arming yourself to the teeth against zombie roaches, sandpackers and space flying feline hairballs that fart Spagettios.

Those who survive...will face brand new taxes, cable rates and no Starbucks.

But at least the NFL replacement refs will be gone.

Yes, there is a lot of talk about what will happen in 2012, and some of it is actually serious. but many people don't believe it, and don't want to talk about it for fear of creating a show starring Ben Affleck.

We don't know what will happen, but it is worth listening to a purported NASA scientist speculate that preparation is the best answer, and he recommends that preparation H is best kept away from edible stuff when the lights go out. Whether it's true or not, better be prepared. 

If possible, please avoid traveling on marsupials during the third week of December 2012 as all marsupials could morph dimensionally into 6 foot tall velociraptors, causing this peculiar mode of transportation to fail in a most disagreeable way.

* A Pile News, not to be confused with the Associated Press, a pile of their own these days...

I'm kind of inclined to take a 'wait and see' attitude about all this, myself.  I want to be absolutely sure before I lend any credence to any report that the NFL replacement refs are truly gone, and won't turn up as IRS agents in 2013, whatever the dimension.