Pissed Again -- Over Emails, Owls, Digits

We've all done it:  glanced over something hurriedly or distractedly, and completely misinterpreted it.

I'm sure that this happens often in the lives of the scammers I deal with.  Not all of them send me a heartfelt wish for me to self-gratify.

Not all of them realize that they should have.

About a month ago, I received a scam from a Gabriel Obi.  It was nothing new or terribly imaginative:  he just needed me to be a 'next of kin' to get 50% of $28 Million USD he knew of in a bank wherever the hell he was.

He didn't respond to what I did to his original email -- I turned it into a plea for help with his "incontinence problem" -- but I kept forwarding to his email address random rewrites of other email scammers.

After forwarding him a more recent rewrite that I'll spare my blog-reading audience --  because I went beyond my normal tackiness which would require too much redacting --  I found myself engaged with Mr. Obi in a most curious and unexpected exchange.

Read it in its entirety:

From: "mr.gabriel_o@yahoo.co.uk" <mr.gabriel_o@yahoo.co.uk>
To: Irrelevant
Sent: Thursday, September 20, 2012 2:16 AM
Subject: Re:
Who are you ?
Sent from my BlackBerry wireless device from MTN

Might his curiosity evolve into continued dialogue? I – under the ‘guise’ of my pet rock – decided to see:

From: Irrelevant Date: Thu, 20 Sep 2012 01:38:11 -0700 (PDT)
 To: mr.gabriel_o@yahoo.co.ukmr.gabriel_o@yahoo.co.uk
ReplyTo: Irrelevant
Subject: Re:
You should know me...you sent me an 'offer' a few weeks ago. Think on it some.
Seymour Petrock
Geology Major
Red Rocks Community College
"Nothing's harder than me"

Yep, his curiosity was somewhat aroused:

Ok were are you from? All I need form you is your full info. Now thanks
Sent from my BlackBerry wireless device from MTN

My reply was to send him back the email of his that I had rewritten in a most unbecoming manner for him (without recapping it entirely, let’s just say that I turned his request for someone to fill in as a next-of-kin, into a plea for help with his ‘incontinence’), along with this:

This is what you sent me. I fail to understand what it was I was supposed to do with an email like this. Explain please.

He apparently wasn’t interested in what I’d done to his original email, if he even bothered to read it. Instead, I got this:

I need you as my net kin? So that 28m we be pay to you. Bank account as soon as I have your full info now. It will only take two working days
Sent from my BlackBerry wireless device from MTN

I sent him back a quick little "what’s in it for me?", taking a page from his ‘not reading what he writ’ book of email responses.

His reply was to the ‘point’:

50%
Sent from my BlackBerry wireless device from MTN

My response was necessarily enthusiastic to keep this dialogue alive:

FIFTY F**KING PERCENT OF 28M??????? I am so IN...exactly what do you need from me?

After a few minutes, he sent me back this:

Your phone number and your full name , your bank acc/number , home address. Email me back or call me at  +234 8055220631 Thanks
Sent from my BlackBerry wireless device from MTN

Awesome...a Nigerian phone number (country code 234 is Nigeria).  So I hurriedly dug up some faux bank account information another scammer had sent me months ago, and threw it together with an abandoned property (still addressed) in a nearby mountain town (in case he google searches the address). And I concluded with this:
　
F**k, this is so awesome! Let me know when this is ready; I will need to open another f**king account to move funds into!

Apparently, what he didn’t ‘need’ from me was certain kinds of colorful metaphors, which I had just used once too many for Mr. Obi:

no not use that word with me if we do busness okay? I no like that word okay? You agree?
Sent from my BlackBerry wireless device from MTN

Since I’d found a ‘tweak’ point, I decided to exercise it:

F**k, I’m sorry. I didn’t know you didn’t like f**k. I’ll f**king watch it from here on, okay? So, what the f**k do I do now?

Surprisingly, a simple word like f**k was apparently on the verge of being a deal breaker for poor prudish Mr. Obi:

What am I say to you about that word???? STOP!!! If you want 50% of 28M you will not say that word no more. You agree?
Sent from my BlackBerry wireless device from MTN

You know me...of COURSE I hadda agree in that manure I am so apt to apply:

I’m f**king sorry about that. I won’t say f**k, or write f**k, or think f**k anymore during this transaction, I f**king promise.

The deal was apparently more important to Mr. Obi after a bit of time to ponder it, for he no more says anything about my use of the f-bomb...for now:

You be serous with me now ok.  we get to busness ues?
Sent from my BlackBerry wireless device from MTN

There you have it -- a few hundred dollars is more important than a principle.  So we continue to banter.  And Obi snows me under with emails, asking the same things repeatedly.  To save time and space, I will now give you the chronology of the balance of our conversations, his in bold, mine in italics:

you need pay transport fee.  How much do have at hand now we you if have up to $ 250 email me and tel me now am waiting for your email now

I gots $250.  Why, you wantz $250?

PLEASE BEAR IN MIND THAT REQUEST $250 IS FOR THE DOCUMENTS THAT WIL BACK YOU UP IN ANY BREACH OF LAW

　
Where do I send the $250 and to whom?　

Send the to Money Grand . Name ARTURO MUNOZ. Sender Name IRRELEVANT. Text quest.... Hope ans.... Again. Them send me. The mtc number now am waiting for your email. As soon as the money is sent by monday you will get your money in your bank as soon as.　

Alright sir...I am holding you to this. I will find a Money Grand near me and wire the money after I get off work Monday.

This is to officially acknowledge the receipt of your email with the content well noted by this office. Be informed that we shall wait to receive the payment for the approval of your fund release of your fund. Meanwhile note that I have informed the approval department that the payment will be receive through money gram as indicated in your email.
(After receiving three copies of the same response, I note it): I see your office does everything in triplicate. I'll send you one notice when I've made the payment.

For the next couple days, Obi sends me back first the next email, then 15 copies of the one that follows it:

Okey am waiting for your payment informing now. You have the name I send to you as soon you make the payment send me mt c number ok and the payment info . Thank you 　

Sir how are you today and is work. What is going on we you have you make the payment? Email me now thank you and also send me your phone number

Obi’s impatience is showing: it’s Sunday night here, Monday morning in Nigeria:
　
Sir are you back from work now? Am waiting for your email. Thanks

I am just going to work now. I won't be able to wire the money until 6pm my time this evening (about 11 hours from now). Patience, please. I'll email you when it's wired.
I decide to whet his appetite a bit with my next email Monday before I go to real work:

As luck would have it, I got off work early, so I could go attend a work-related social function tonight (my boss insisted). However, on my way home I stopped off and wired your money as instructed. I'll look forward to the money transfer into my bank account. Talk to you tomorrow.

Thanks for your email response concerning the payment for the transfer of your fund. Sir be advice to forward me the MTCN CONTROL NUMBER, SENDERS NAME to enable the receiver to pick up the fee so that the processing of your tranfer will commence immediately. I shall wait for your email urgent response
I don’t get home until early Tuesday morning, and this makes Obi nervous, without his noting I’ve had three different email ‘names’ cross his screen:
　
Hello moose what is going on.why no email from you　

I decide to see if I can make him twitchier:

Time for a quick note before I dash off to work. I sent the Money Gram to the person you told me to send it to, remember? And what's the MTCN number? What does that do?

Thanks for your email update. I understand that you have wire transfer via Money Gram. Not that with out the Reference Number the receiver can not pick it up. Kindly send me the Eight Digit number or attach the payment slip to me immediately. Reply fast.

After receiving that email about a dozen times from Obi, I decide to opt for a ‘receipt’ to show I ‘sent’ the payment. I find one online, down load it, resize it enough times to make it ‘fuzzy’, and send him that along with this: 　
I do not know what you mean by 'MTCN' number, so I scan the receipt and am send it here.

Thanks for your email I will. Get back to you as soon as.
Even though he can’t read the receipt – and if he can, he’ll never get a dime out of it – he’s pleased to have the receipt:
　
Sir thanks again. And I will like you to. Re send me your full informing again. Your full name , your phone number, home address and your bank/acc number and your age. Am waiting for all of this now. Thank you again

So I did. Then we get into a game of telephony:

Mr Seymour Petrock am trying to call your phone but is not going why? I will you to call me as soon as you can now am waiting for your hers is my phone number +234-805522-0631. 　

I tried to call your number but it is not a UK-based number? Where ARE you?　

Sir am in nigeria now that is my nigeria number ok not uk number you have to try again +23480-55220-631. Am waiting for your call now thank you Mr Gabriel

Since the number I gave him is a fax number that no one ever answers, he’s getting no where fast:
　
That is strange....all the time I am think that you are in UK. Isn't that strange? I try call you and it not work because you is not in UK. How did I think you are in UK? Anyway, I am home, you can call me.　

Sir I tried to call your number but I can't here yo　

It is most strange...I answer phone but I cannot hear you neither. What can be the wrong here? But we can communicate this way? Did you transfer the fund to my bank accounts yet?

The bank will email you today. As soon as you get email for the bank. Get back to me ok 　

Okay I do that.

It’s clear at this point that Obi – with the faux receipt – thinks he has me. And will probably think thus until he can catch a goat to his local Money Gram location in fly-infested wherever he is. Then will come ‘the great awakening’. Maybe...or maybe not yet.

Obi has decided he can't read the receipt I sent him:

Sir thanks for your em ail response with the content well noted by this office. Sir, be advice that i have received your Attached which i could not be able to View the Information on the Money Gram Transfer Slip.

Sir, since you have the MONEY GRAM SLIP with you all you have to do is that you should look into the Receipt you will fined where is written REFERENCE NUMBER which is given to you by the Money Gram Office.

All you have to send to this office is as follows.

SENDERS NAME: ..................
SENDERS ADDRESS: .............
REFERENCE NUMBER WHICH IS THE EIGHT DIGIT NUMBER:...............

Sir be advice with out having this Information the receivers will not be able to receive the Payment kindly understand that get back to this office immediately so that their will not be any delay in your Fund Transfer.

I shall wait for your Urgent response.

Let's see how crazy I can make him:

Yes, I see that this receipt has 8 numbers on it.  Well, actually it has more than 8.  All the numbers together equal nearly 20.  Which ones do you want?

Sir, the one i needed from you is the 8 DIGIT NUMBER which i called REFFRENCE NUMBER. you can proceed to the Bank where the Payment where sent and asl them that you want the 8 DIGIT NUMBER which is the REFFRENCE NUMBER.

I wait for your urgent reply to enable the receiver to make pick up of the fees.

Sir, I don't need to go pester the Money Gram place I visited.  I see the number you mean here.  There are 8 of them in one group.  Which one do you need?

Sir, thanks for your urgent update and response. Be advice that the needed one is the 8 DIGIT NUMBER which is the Reffrence Number.  Meanwhile, be advice when sending it, you are advice to send us the SENDERS NAME, SENDERS ADDRESS, TEXT QUESTION AND ANSWER which you used in sending the Payment.

Fine.  There were 8 numbers.  I sent it to Arturo whatizname.  I sent it from my pen name, Jack N. Ewehoff (I write, so I use a pen name).  Seymour Petrock is my real name.  I used the address I already sent you.  Text question was 'onion', and the answer was 'layers'.

Sir, send me the 8 digit number and also the senders name pls. be fast with this Okay. Send it to me now.

 

I already told you I sent it under my pen name, Jack N. Ewehoff, and I ask you again which of the 8 numbers do you need? What the f**k?

 SIR THE ONE I NEED IS THE REFERENCE NUMBER WHICH IS THE 8 DIGIT NUMBER. 　

Don't get testy with me! I ask which of the 8 numbers you need, and you keep saying the 8 digit one. WHICH ONE IS THE 8 DIGIT ONE??

 Sir you are misunderstanding this Issue. All i need from you is the REFFRENCE NUMBER which is 8. Sir, kindly get me the one you have there so that the Receiver will go with it to the Bank and pick it up okay. Waiting Urgently.　

Well, since you won't tell me which number you need, I'll pick one...7. It's in there twice.　

Sir, listing send me the 8 degit number you have in the receipt if really you send the Payment or Re attached it once again. 　

There is one 8 among the digits along with 7 twice. Is that what you need?I think I’m starting to wear him down:

is this hard for you understand. It is 8 digit number. That all I need now urgently. Please stop this difficult please.

I send you what I got and you not tell me more. I send you an 8 digit and two 7 digits. So now that you got the numbers you need, let me know when the bank makes the tranfer. This funding transferring is hard work. I need a nap.　

Yes not only 8 digits but the owl. Number ok am at. The bank now

"But the owl"? Looking for any tangent to take, I am so gonna run with it:
　
What owl? Where did the owl come from? At the bank?

No just send all the 8digits number. That all ok. We have no time on our side. Go on and send all the 8digits. Number now　

Not so fast..I want to know about the owl. What is an owl doing in your bank?

　Not in a bank ok　

You told me you had an owl in the bank. Are you or is an owl in the bank?

　What I mean all the 8digits. Number why are you doing this we have no time Pleas look for the number and send it now 　

well dammit, you're the one that mentioned an owl at your bank. You said it! I quote you below: "Yes not only 8 digits but the owl. Number ok am at. The bank now". Did you know that Great Horny Owls occasionally mate with chickens, and that's why chickens are called "fowl"?　

sir i have given you example of what i mean by Reference Number. note that the Total Number must complete 8 in number example 55464565. So check the Receipt you have with you and count any number inside the receipt any one that is up to 8 in number send it to me immediately.

What was with the owl? Why did you tell me there was an owl?　

Sir be advice that it was a computer error okay. Since you are at the bank i will advice you to ask the bank to give you the Reference Number which will complete 8 in number. I will wait for your email.

Damn...I like owls. Oh well...so I am not a bank, but I can go to one. I'll ask them about the numbers.

　So sorry about owl.

I’ll bet you’re not. I’ll email you after I go to bank.

Please to hurry. Time not on our side. Email me reffrence number immediately.

He might think he’s moved past the owl gaffe, but he ain’t yet, especially since he brought it up again:
　
Sir like i told you in my previous email that it was just a mistake okay. So i will advice you to go to the Bank and ask them of the Number okay.

I took a reasonable amount of time for the trip to the ‘bank’ – I was sure he was bursting with anticipation in the time – and then I began again:


　How the f**k can you make a mistake like that? What other word in our language is remotely close to ‘owl’? Only one I can think of is ‘awl’, and we haven’t talked about that.

But do you know what is ironic? When I get to bank, they have special for new account openers: an owl clock! How f**king cool is that? Anyway, I go to bank, but they can’t help me; they told me I have to go to place where I sent Money Gram from. Why did you tell me to go to a bank? Sh**!
Anyway, the lady at the bank -- she was very nice -- she tell me that I was correct: there are 8 numbers. Since I told her that I've already gived you 3 before you told me about the owl by mistake, she told me to give you the other five numbers, and she asked if you want an owl clock?

Ah, now we’re back to getting pissy about my language:
　
You should mind the way you talk to me okay. Sir i have informed you several times with out number that you should go to Money Gram Office where you send the Payment to confirm of the Reference Number of the 8 DIGIT.
Sir, be advice to send the Comply Number so that the receiver can go and pick it up so that we can start your transfer immediately before the Bank will close from work. If you have it, kindly send it to me as soon as possible.

We already had our exchange about the f-bomb early on. Wanna revisit it? Hokay...without the other numbers included:
　
Hey...I didn't bring up owls and banks and sh** like that, you did. Don't f**king talk to me about what I say, when you make 'computer mistakes'! I may not be the sharpest tack in the box, but I don't take kindly to you talking down to me, bub.

After all those emails, and after all that work for a paltry $250, I guess the ‘f-bomb’ was one too many to convince Mr. Gabriel Obi that he had any chance left at fame, fortune, the Nigerian Scammer Wall of Fame, and $250 quick bucks (I also note he got himself a new wireless device):

you never send money you asshole. do not contact me more we done.
Sent From My BlackBerry Wireless Device by Gabriel Obi

I couldn’t resist one last dig with the owl:

So...this whole thing was nothing but a charade, huh? Finally we learn the truth: there never really WAS any owl at the bank, was there?
Sent from your Blackf**kingBerry Wiref**kingless Def**kingvice by an owl HOO is laughing at you.

You think mebbe next time he’ll read ALL of the email response, before thinking he’s got himself a pigeon, instead of BEING one?

Nah...