Tuesday, April 29, 2008
Friday, April 25, 2008
Dear Skunky -- IX
Expecting good things based on that last reply, Richardson sends this:
okay and kindly get back to me with the money transfer control number and the sender's mane once you send it. please send urgently. also know this is confidental, please see to it.
Confidental, eh? Well, ol' JC knows how to make it so...code it:
Bitte, Herr Dickson,
Zender's Namen: Howardt, J. C.
MTCN Numen: Eich...Drich...Inferren...Och...Zeben...Och...Och...Zero...Furth...Fieven
Das Question: Alles
Das Antwort: Hundsfott
Awpeterstain, Meinen Herr.
Thus ends his precious script, as Richardson has his own version of WTF:
Howard i got your email but did not understand the way you put it, i will urge you to get back with MTCN NUMBER in roman figure so that i will get it across for immediate acting on it as it is an urgent needs.
Roman figures? Ask and receive:
What? You want it in Roman figures?
Okay: I II III VIII VII VIII VIII O IV V
I was trying to code it -- refer to your f***ing insistence on confidental -- but I guess you don't read Deutchenspreche or Deutchencounte. So, here 'tis in Roman figures. Let me know when we are ready to proceed.
Now he's getting pissed, but I only gave him what he asked for:
HOWARD, USE NUMBERS. USE 1 THROUGH 9 NUMBERS. SEND URGENT NOW!
My turn to fan his pissed:
Now listen, Richard the pin-headed: you asked for roman f***ing figures, and I gave it to you in roman f***ing figures. You don't want roman f***ing figures, you wont' get roman f***ing figures. I'll hold up fingers if that will f***ing help. Listen, idiot, I am doing the best I f***ing can, and you're forever changing the f***ing rules. Get your sh** wired and make up your f***ing mind about what f***ing numbers you f***ing want!
As usual, when they piss off their intended victim, they back off:
Howard, please is calm down. I mean no ofense. i just not can read the numbers you present. I would you please to use regular numbers as in English. Soonest.
I chill out...but don't change the numbers:
Feller, okay, you're forgiven. Now just tell your f***ing mench to get over to Western Union and inquire about the wire transfer from J. C. Howard, sender. Tell him to take with him a picture of a big chicken. When he gets there, tell him to place the picture in front of the clerk; when the clerk sees it, they'll ask "what's this?" Your contact will answer "a 2008 Henway". When the clerk asks "what's a 2008 Henway?", your man says "the equivalent of 2500 pounds, in dollars". And he'll get the money.
A day goes by, and I'm laughing my ass off as I learn Richardson is rather nonplused:
Howard, what is this? Bakare try as you ask and clerk make jest of him. He almost arested. What are you doing? you must send money now, urgent to process with no more delay!
Who, me jest? Nyuk nyuk nyuk:
Are you kidding me? That didn't work? It ALWAYS F***ING WORKED in the Lagos Western Union before! Damn...my favorite clerk there musta quit or got eaten by army ants or something. Lemme figure this out and get back to you.
Now Richardson is stewing:
HOWARD ALL IS NEEDED IS MTCN AND A STOP TO THIS DEALY! REALLY YOU MUST URGENT REPOND SOONEST!
I decide to really tweak out this ultra-numbnuts:
Richard-san: you are one of the f***ing stupidest mugus I've ever had the pleasure of baiting in Scamland. But here's the part that's really gonna get you, bubi: I am DEAD! I am Jerome "Curly" Howard, of the Three Stooges. I died in 1952. FIFTY-SIX YEARS AGO! The address you have for me IS WHERE MY CORPSE IS BURIED!
Now, perhaps you're asking yourself, "WTF?". Well, let me tell you about WTF: you have managed to contact me through technological break throughs of a science called ITC: Instrumental TransCommunication. It allows us on the Astral Plane -- the Third Astral Plane, to be exactamundo -- to communicate with you, back on the physical plane. By random chance, atmospheric bounce, sun spots and a weakness in your cerebral cortex, probably related to too much time with your cranium keeping your colon company (see what I just did there?), your initial scam email found it's way to me. A dead guy. A dead guy who used to be a comedian...nyuk nyuk nyuk. And you soived me up such easy pitches over the plate to hit outta the dimension, I just hadda. As for the language, I never did talk like that, but Ty Cobb does, and he told me I'd be one sorry f***ing candy ass, if I didn't put some colorful metaphorics into my replies to you. He'd a spiked you hisself, if he'd had the chance.
Now, the reason you didn't get a good MTCN number is on accounta cuz your Lagos Western Union's receivers ain't calibrated properly, for receiving cash from the Third Astral Plane. Anyway, since we don't use cash on the Third Astral Plane, we make up our own for people like you. It would have been paper, colorful and very artistically appealing, but it would have been worth snake-spit.
Here, we use it for toilet paper. Don't know what that is? You should really try it in place of tree bark. Really.
Anyway, Richard-san, you'll be very happy to know that soon your name and email address will be on the physical world wide net, being accessible to any physical form with internet access, so one and all can see how STUPID you've been.
Enjoy the notoriety, bubi!
J. C. Howard
Now, this guy was stupid, I'll grant you. Most stupid scammers, when receiving a reply like that, just let it go, knowing they've been had, and there's nothing more for them here. But to put an exclamation point to his stupidity, Richardson responds with this:
Howard, i read what you say and understand content well. i think maybe we could partner, yes? what you say?
I JUST GOT OFFERED A PARTNERSHIP WITH ONE OF THE STUPIDEST SCAMMERS, QUITE POSSIBLY, OF THE NEW MILLENNIUM???? ROFLMFAO!!!!!
I decide to see how he answers this:
Are you f***ing kidding me? You and me as partners? A dead comedian and a live, intellect-of-a-tree stump? No, that's not fair to tree stumps. You're much stupider than that. Though, you might have an edge on a tree stump, since you can access the internet. That puts you on par with AlGore, but the tree stump's still ahead. So tell me, James Richardson, just what is it that you can offer me in such a partnership? Hmmmm? Give me one thing you have to offer me in such a deal, and I'll give it the consideration it desoives.
Alas, he doesn't. Answer, or have anything to offer. Other than this blog entry, which -- if I am so inclined to at the end of the year -- will be a candidate for STUPID SCAMMER OF THE YEAR AWARD.
Right now, I think this moron wins, hands down.
Saturday, April 19, 2008
Vocabulary Builder -- VIII
So let's find out:
- what Iran is just begging for
- Rosie O'Donnell in spandex
- an object of disgust (see above)
- a funny blooming idiot
- organic soil material
- spring break post-beer urinating contest
- porridge thrown up over a large area
- sex over a large area
- stuff scattered over a large area
- a dwarfed tree
- Japanese meaning "charge!"
- Japanese meaning "ship sailing divine winds into side of something"
- TV sitcom starring Larry Hagman as a real prick *ducking boos and throwd items*
- Redneck meaning "them fellers phallus all over th' place"
- a real dork *once again...*
- lame antelope
- orange fleshed melon
- if you try, her daddy'll shoot you
- someone the enemy wipes their feet on
- a degree in French
- a tactful person
- a belt-worn case for a pistol
- as opposed to half the cow
- a fire-breathing pastor
- German meaning "petrol station"
- German meaning "ach tu liver, neinen brats undt kraut fer du!"
- German meaning "a small inn"
- a punter in the NFL
- a generous maker of footwear
- a pirate
- used to make matzo balls
- Ancient God of Hiyyyaaaaaaaa!
- sport of unarmed combat
- her relief at having dumped the loser...
- mastered a fractious horse
- a hard white element used in alloys
- French meaning "pruning shears"
- French meaning "secretarial saboteur"
- French meaning "sac le teur", aka "What le Foch", one or the other, or neither
- it's just lust...geddoverit
- then there's enough
- a vehicle with guns, wheels, tracks, and a ton of heavy metal
- obese pest
- "how do you do?"
- Roman meaning "The Gladiator Network"
- Roman meaning "one smart feller"
- name of a Trojan in Virgil's Aeneid, whatever the phalanx that was...
- a leg man does
- a lapdog
- A Chinese call girl
- one cleans his room, the other is setting fire to his sister's Barbie
- a horse's trappings
- supply an elevator with fresh air after a fart
- cost of oxygen per square inch
- carnivorous air in a sci-fi story
- Redneck meaning "ya like her"
- Redneck meaning "a revenooer's chase vehickle"
- royal or imperial symbol of authority
- a fish with issues
- dry fruits that split into single-seeded parts when ripe
- a bitching schizoid
- will if stepping into something schleppery *more ducking of boos and throwd items*
- Curly's replacement on the Three Stooges
- awkward or slow person
- lost in a journey of the mind, at least for some with anatomical cranial misplacement syndrome
- song Gene Autry closed his show with
- icon have and have nots being set against each other
- computer screen symbols during mating season
- the breaking of images
- sea cliff-dwelling bird
- the crap your cat scatters on a romp
- water trail of a catamaran
- Latin meaning "you're ugly and your mom dresses funny"
- Latin meaning "cause to be made or done"
- Latin meaning "your face is on fire"
- a poor person
- have yourself that kind of day
- a fowl that, when crossed with a duck, isn't polite to say
Will there be a Vocabulary IX or Nein? Cast your votes at Verbicidal Tendencies, and hope that if you vote yes, it won't count due to having Florida or Ohio do the tally...
Monday, April 14, 2008
Dear Skunky -- VIII
Friday, April 11, 2008
Vocabulary Builder -- VII
- Latin meaning "a fart lighter"
- inclination to being laid back with no umph
- an unpaved path through a pasture, littered with meadow muffins
- natural indifference
-hitman for a NY crime family
- pantless obscene phone caller
I think my dictionary's melting...
Wednesday, April 9, 2008
A Reverberating DUH
Monday, April 7, 2008
Vocabulary Builder VI -- Careful What You Wish For
Friday, April 4, 2008
Anatomy of a Russian Bride Scam -- V
Thursday, April 3, 2008
Anatomy of a Russian Bride Scam -- IV
Anatomy of a Russian Bride Scam -- III
Yawp...Anna-Iksana soitently knows that the way to an internet man's heart, is visual. And I note that as I peruse her latest reply, she -- or her handler -- has adapted the general template to some of my last responses.
Just like the previous scamstresses.
Now, she's turning up the heat (or the charm), as her reply is headed: Love Me If You Dare!
Hello my Tiger (pardon me while I join Two Dogs in the corner, barfing). I can so you to name? Thanks for your reply so much!
Again, to the salient portions of her reply, noting how she has shaped the template to fit the previous questions:
- I am ok with your age! Have you heard a saying the older the violin the sweeter the music? My father, he is 58 now, and my mom is 46. You see my mom is much younger than my father and they are very happy together, so you will make me much happy, I think. I like more mature men for me, who know more and care more for me how I like to be cared with.
- I hear so much about how more nice, more caring for women are American men than Russian men. I know as I read you that you are kind, and will much give me happiness, so I am sure of you that is my soulmate here I found (what she said, I think).
She goes on to tell me about her little town (Kondopoga, located near Petrozavodsk); how she takes care of her body by doing aerobics three times a week, swimming twice a week, and walking in the city park; how she has several diplomas from the university in Petrozavodsk, but she likes to do sales work in small shops, where I like not to have think too much, I like work more with people (yeah, babe, leave the thinkin' to your handler).
She gets around to asking me about where I live -- I tell her Cheyenne, Wyoming, home of the big Indian carvings in the middle of town (dunno if they have any such there or not) -- and if there is an international airport nearby, where she can eventually fly to meet me (I tell her that's in Denver, two hours south of Cheyenne).
She goes onto tell me that she will be travelling to Moscow in a few more days, so I can get with travel agency and prepare to come be with my Tiger (awwww, or *gag*, your choice). Finally, she finishes up with this beautifully worded hokum: ok, it time I finish my email. You know I write you from internet cafe (all of your scamstresses do, honey) and it always seems a long time before I write you again. I want to send you now a kiss by the wind to you and if I sent it to the right destinations you should receive it by evening. I wish you to catch and remember my kiss, my dearest.
Are those tears the "awwwww, ain't that sweet" or "ROFLMAO" kind?
Well, after my replies to her various thoughts and comments, I can't help but close my reply to match the sentiment overflowing the knickers here and there, so I'm about to make it worse toward the *gag*side with my reply to that:
Y'know, my velvet rose Iksana, I think I just did catch that warm caress of a kiss on the winds of promise, sweetheart. On those same winds will you one day soon ride a silver bird to our first meeting embrace, whereupon I will replace then, the caring hug that I send you now, on those same winds that are blowing ever stronger, Iksana, with a real hug that will warm you to your soul. Sweet dreams to you, and to your plans and schemes in the coming days, my pussy...cat.
Yeah, I know....nauseating. I promise, it's gonna get worse in the next installment, when she broaches the 'L' word for the first time (and in the scheme of this template, right on time). And she'll do it from her last stop before coming to me: Moscow. Or so she says.
Next up: Part IV -- The 'Rat Killing'
Wednesday, April 2, 2008
Anatomy of a Russian Bride Scam -- II
**Note: in a quick but heart-felt digression, I wanted to thank Lindsay at Suburban Turmoil, who gave me a *Perfect Post Award* for March (my "It's Not Just A Job..." thwacking on an email scammer, back on March 10)...flattery like that will get her a scambait on her behalf ;-) And now, back to the biz at hand**
Tuesday, April 1, 2008
Anatomy of a Russian Bride Scam
And she shore has some anatomy...zadda bow bow.
Ladies and gentlemen, here is a lesson in Scamming 101: The Russian Bride Angle.
It starts with an unsolicited letter, just like this 'un:
From: Hotpink Flower (firstname.lastname@example.org)
To: email@example.com (don't ask me; ain't my email addy)
Subj: Glad to hear you (what, I'm breathing that hard and loud?)
Hi! I'm a single girl and I'm 26 years. Please take a look at my pictures and let me know if you like them (guys, if you say you don't, you're dead or gay). I live in Russia and I'm going to come to your country and work over there very soon! I don't know anybody over there and I thought it would be great to meet someone who is open to anything as I am (like being taken for a fiscal ride). I would be happy to be friends, lovers or create a serous relationship! We will see what happens! I hope you write to me back and I will write more info about myself and send more photos (already I am liking this scammer, and she goes on)!!! I am writing from my friend's email (aka, her scam handler) so please make sure you do not reply directly to this email. Email me at firstname.lastname@example.org only. if you don't use my personal email back then I won't be able to read your reply and write you back. So it is very important that you get it right (so she can keep her various pidgeons separate). Ok, I guess it is now your turn (to tell her if you're a dupe or not). Hope to hear from you today. Bye! Anna.Foist:
1. If it's an unsolicited letter like the above, almost without exception, it's a scam. How'd they get your email address? By mining online locations where someone might have left an email address to get a response or further information. Guestbooks is a popular mining ground for all sorts of online scammers.
2. The originating email address, if replied to, more often than not bounces.
3. The wrong email address in the "Sent to" header: there are probably a dozen or more other email addresses BCCed here that won't show up, but explain why my email addy received a copy of this lil' gem. It's a spammed scam letter, going out to as many addys as possible. If the scammer/stress receives multiple replies, her reply email addy will change for some of them, allowing her/her handlers to keep 'em all straight...or not, as upcoming examples will show.
4. Naturally, she's going to start out with pictures that are most assuredly going to get a "yowza, badda bing" out of male recipients, as these two gems got outta me. The photos are most certainly not of who is writing, but are meant to get a typical male response.
5. You'll note that she closed out the solicitation with the name of 'Anna'. If you reply, and she likes your reply (aka, *I got me a capitalist pig sucker!*), the name will almost always change. Sometimes, more than once. That comes later, when they are trying to juggle more than one intended victim.
How do I know all this? Simple: this is about the 12th to 15th time in the past 18 months that I have received this very same opening solicitation. Always from a different address, to a different address, with a slightly different story, but always with the same quality of eye-catching (and blood-shifting) photos of exceptionally beautiful, usually 24-26 year old Russian women. Blondes, brunettes, red-heads.....and all, breath-takingly stunning.
Wow...I mean, how do you do, Ma'am. You are..well, if I may speak coherently with my blood supply trying to support two heads, you are absolutely drop-dead gorgeous, with the drop-dead part being highly relevant in my current circumstances. You are the most beautiful woman I have seen this week! Yes, by all means, write me back! I am so all over hearing more about you, Anna!Sincerely,
J. C. Howard (if anyone could 'raise the dead', so to speak, this hyar one could!)
Now, a reply doesn't always come immediately: depending on how many suitors (aka, suckers) 'Anna' has managed to draw on the opening salvo, she'll probably work them, one to a few at a time. But if her handler adjudges your reply to be sincere (aka, playable), then she will get to you. On this occasion, it took 'Anna' exactly two weeks to respond to ol' JC. And with more of those photos (next installment), and a new name, too.
Next up: Part II -- The Lesson Continues