A Reverberating DUH

April 2008, has provided me, I believe, the absolutely stupidest crop of scammers I've ever had. One of which will be lowlighted in an upcoming Dear Skunky at the end of the month. But the one I'm going to lowlight for you today just can't wait.

This one makes a door knob look PhD-worthy.

It began as "Winning Notification", and the gist of the original text is thus:

UK LOTTERY 2008: this prestigious award has set out and successfully organised a Sweepstakes marking our 20th anniversary. We have rolled out over GBP 25,000,000 for this anniversary draws. Participants were randomly selected and drawn from a wide range of web hosts which enjoy their patronage. YOUR EMAIL ADDRESS AS INDICATED WAS DRAWN AND ATTACHED TO TICKET NUMBER...yada, yada, yada.

It follows with a bunch of other gobbledygook, and ends with this:

To file your claim, please contact our Claims Agent with informations below:

Mrs. Cathrine Jones

email cathrinejones_claims@live.com (it goes on to ask for my name, country, address, tele #, age, sex, position). And it concluded signed off by a Mr. Tom Spencer.

I've received and played a few of these, but they generally tend to bore me, so I've used this response to put a finish to most all of them:

Dear Spencer & Jones Collaborative:

This is mighty nice of y'all to let me know about. It's also crap, but that's not the point. It's still mighty nice of you to let me know about, even if it's crap. I really feel I should repay your intended objectives accordingly, so here's what I want you to do:

- take this reply

-print it

- fold it length-wise

- shove it up your respective asses, sideways

Thank me not; if you follow these instructions, the pleasure is really all mine.

J. C. Howard

That always puts paid to these scam letters. Or at least, either it used to, or I have hit the muthaload of really stupid scammers. After sending that reply -- and a week passes -- I get this reply from Ms. Cathrine Jones (musta got divorced the week past or something, since she's now a Ms instead of a Mrs):

HIGH COURT OF JUDICIARY DISCLAIMER FORM

This is to certify that i Mr/Mrs............ the Legal aproved owner of the UK NATIONAL LOTTERY Check worth GBP 500,000 does not wish to proceed with the ongoing deliver of my package. This is as a result of my inability to meet with statustory claims requirement (ROFLMAO here).

The Legal document backing to my package and my International Certified Bank Check is to be remitted/refunded back to the Headquarters as unclaimed prize.

Please Fill in Your Details: (it goes on to ask for my name, address, phone, fax, and country).

In the above supply details, i confirm all the informations is given here in good faith believing all is true and correct in accord to international law. As soon as the details hereforth are sent. Your Package worth of GBP 500,000 would be delivered back to the Headquarters.

Sworn at the High Court Judiciary Mount Halley

Commisioner of Oath

Mrs. Rose Windsow

Now don't THAT beat all?

Wahl...I just couldn't let it go at that...so I filled out their "disclaimer form", and added a couple (dozen) of frills and dressin' to the text, and sent it right on back to Ms/Mrs Cathrine Jones:

HIGH COURT OF JUDUMBASSARY

DISS Y'ALL FORM

THIS IS TO CERTIFY THAT I MR. J. C. HOWARD THE LEGAL APPROVED OWNER OF THE FAUX UK NATIONAL LOTTERY CHECK WORTH SNAKE SPIT, DOES NOT WISH TO PROCEED WITH THE ONGOING DELIVERY OF MY PACKAGE, WHICH I KNOW TO BE COMPLETE HORSE SH**, JUST AS THIS FORM IS. THIS IS AS A RESULT OF MY INABILITY TO MEET THE DUMBED-DOWN STANDARDS NECESSARY TO BE DUPED BY THIS PACK OF MUGU BUMWANKERS. THE ILLEGAL DOCUMENTS BACKING TO MY BULLSH** PACKAGE AND MY NON-EXISTENT INTERNATIONAL CERTIFIED BANK CHECK IS TO BE REFUNDED BACK TO THE HINDQUARTERS AS AN UNSUCCESSFUL SCAM FAILURE, AND FILED AS HERETOFORE SUGGESTED BY ME IN A PRIOR RESPONSE TO THIS POORLY-CRAFTED SON OF A WILDEBEEST ABORTION.

(I followed with J. C. Howard's personal info, as requested).

IN THE ABOVE SUPPLY DETAILS, I CONFIRM ALL THE INFORMATION THAT IS GIVEN HERE IS AS ACCURATE AS THE SCAM THAT ILLICITED IT, AND THE LOWER-THAN-SNAKE-SPIT SCAMMERS WHO PISS-POORLY DRAFTED IT. IT DIDN'T WORK, DUMB ASSES. CATHRINE JONES IS A TOOTHLESS, PICADILLY CIRCUS SLUT WHO COULDN'T GET A QUID FOR A BLOWJOB, IN ACCORDANCE TO ANY LAWS, INCLUDING THOSE OF NATURE. AS SOON AS THE DETAILS HEREFORTH ARE SENT, THIS SH** PACKAGE WORTH OF GBP SNAKE SPIT WILL BE DELIVERED BACK TO THE HINDQUARTERS, FOR SIDEWAYS INSERTION UP THEIR COLLECTIVE ARSES.

SWORN AT THE HIGH COURT OF JUDUMBASSARY MOUNT PORCUPINE COMMISSIONER OF OAFS

MRS. ROSE WINDSOW, ANOTHER MUGU TOOTHLESS STREET SLUT OF DUBIOUS ANTECEDENCE AND FREE-RANGE CROTCH CRICKETS

You reckon they'll send me any more forms to fill out?

I don't reckon so, either ;-)