Dear Skunky -- IX

Recall my earlier note that April had produced for me a bumper crap of really stupid scammers. Well, here's another 'un. Usually, when I have more than a half-dozen or so exchanges with a scammer, I make it a multi-part entry. But not for this one. This one is a Dear Skunky condensed special. This one makes a tree stump look like a friggin' PhD.

It all began with this unsolicited letter from James Richardson (jamesrichardson7907@yahoo.co.uk), that wasn't even addressed to moi:

Hello Leonna, this is to notify you the fanacier have mail out the money to you in amount of $3,500 so i urge you to get back to me if you have got it and have it cashed so that i candirect you on how to go about it. Waiting your urgent reply.

I decide to see how 'lucid' and 'literate' this compound clown is with a reply that usually ends communication (note: this version is edited for the blog):

Sir,

Just who the f*** is Leonna? I don't know any f***ing Leonna. What f***ing money is this? And how is it you can't f***ing tell me from Le-f***ing-onna? Just what is this business, and what's in it for me, besides some slut named Le-f***ing-onna?

J. C. F***ing Howard

Without so much as missing a beat, Richardson replies to me as if I was meant to be contacted all along:

The money order was sent to you by the fanacier of the Amount $9m that will be sent to you account while the $3500 is for the document that we are going to prepare to cary out the process so i urge you to get back to me if you have got the money order cashed so that i will drect you on how to go about it.

These are the kind I like: nothing deviates them from their intended script. At least, nothing early on:

Feller,

And just how the f*** was the money gonna be sent to me? You don't even have my f***ing address! So you can get your stumbling sh** on the right track, you tell me just where the f*** you're planning to send this to me, let alone how the f*** I'm going to have cashed a money order I don't even know is coming.

J. F***ing C.

After a day, it is obvious that my use of J. C. Howard -- and the information I used for him -- has made it's way around a few scammer's internet cafes:

Howard,

You are Jerome C Howard. You live at 4334 Whittier Blvd los angeles californa, 90023. you bank at First Astral Savings Loan. i have this informations for you so it is not a worry.

The money order is sent to the address you have on ups. This is tracking number: J1832052068 which you can track on http://www.ups.com/ to confirm it's status and main while i will urge you to check with your mail box if it has been droped inside. Waiting your urgent reply.

Ah, it's nice to know one of my alter igors is well-renowned down in the internet cafes and slums of Lagos. I suggest I am impressed:

Sir, so you do your f***ing homework well! Congratulations are in order....once you show you can complete what you start. As you say the shipment is enroute, I shall watch for it in dead f***ing earnest.

In the past, such liberal use of the f-bomb has turned off a number of scammers. Not this 'un. He replies:

I will be waiting to hear from you as the money is an urgent needs so i will urge you to get back to me soonest.

A day later, I give him this:

The property caretaker dropped off a package for me, containing a money order for $3,500. Now what the f*** do I do widdit?

Later the same day, I get these instructions:

Thanks for your update, so i will urge you to get the money cashed and make it avalable to the below informatin via western union money transfer for the urgent preperation of the document.

RECEIVER NAME: BOSUN M. BAKARE

CITY: LAGOS

ZIP CODE: 234-01

TEST QUESTION: WHAT FOR

ANSWER: JUNE

so i will urge you to send $2500 to the above information and get back to me with the western union money transfer number and the sender information wihle you will be direct on how to go about the rest of the money. the document will be prepered as soon as we receive money so urge you soonest to send.

Okay, now time to start throwing wrenches in the monkey pumps:

Okay, let me see if I have this straight: I'm to send some money via Western Gram to a Nigerian seaman, Bosun's Mate Bakare, in Lagos, and send the rest of it somewhere else when so designated at a later date? I don't understand: what the f*** does the Nigerian Navy, consisting of one rowboat with twelve skinny oarsmen, have to do with any of this?

Richardson is so insistent on sticking to the script, he ignores most of my comments:

Listen, Howard Bosun M. Bakare are incharge of th peperation of the document of the amount $15.5 million (at the beginning, it was $9 million..LOL) that will be sent to you from the Union Bank of Nigeria which the fanacier suport the finacne the transfer so that he can have his own percentage from the money as fer as you can't affort to finance it and so i will urge you to get this across to him today via western union so that they can start work on the transfer ducument as soon as possible.

I'll play, for now:

Well hell's dildos, feller, why didn't you f***ing put it that way the first time? Now I understand. I'll get right on it soonest.

Expecting good things based on that last reply, Richardson sends this:

okay and kindly get back to me with the money transfer control number and the sender's mane once you send it. please send urgently. also know this is confidental, please see to it.

Confidental, eh? Well, ol' JC knows how to make it so...code it:

Bitte, Herr Dickson,

Zender's Namen: Howardt, J. C.

MTCN Numen: Eich...Drich...Inferren...Och...Zeben...Och...Och...Zero...Furth...Fieven

Das Question: Alles

Das Antwort: Hundsfott

Awpeterstain, Meinen Herr.

Thus ends his precious script, as Richardson has his own version of WTF:

Howard i got your email but did not understand the way you put it, i will urge you to get back with MTCN NUMBER in roman figure so that i will get it across for immediate acting on it as it is an urgent needs.

Roman figures? Ask and receive:

What? You want it in Roman figures?

Okay: I II III VIII VII VIII VIII O IV V

I was trying to code it -- refer to your f***ing insistence on confidental -- but I guess you don't read Deutchenspreche or Deutchencounte. So, here 'tis in Roman figures. Let me know when we are ready to proceed.

Now he's getting pissed, but I only gave him what he asked for:

HOWARD, USE NUMBERS. USE 1 THROUGH 9 NUMBERS. SEND URGENT NOW!

My turn to fan his pissed:

Now listen, Richard the pin-headed: you asked for roman f***ing figures, and I gave it to you in roman f***ing figures. You don't want roman f***ing figures, you wont' get roman f***ing figures. I'll hold up fingers if that will f***ing help. Listen, idiot, I am doing the best I f***ing can, and you're forever changing the f***ing rules. Get your sh** wired and make up your f***ing mind about what f***ing numbers you f***ing want!

As usual, when they piss off their intended victim, they back off:

Howard, please is calm down. I mean no ofense. i just not can read the numbers you present. I would you please to use regular numbers as in English. Soonest.

I chill out...but don't change the numbers:

Feller, okay, you're forgiven. Now just tell your f***ing mench to get over to Western Union and inquire about the wire transfer from J. C. Howard, sender. Tell him to take with him a picture of a big chicken. When he gets there, tell him to place the picture in front of the clerk; when the clerk sees it, they'll ask "what's this?" Your contact will answer "a 2008 Henway". When the clerk asks "what's a 2008 Henway?", your man says "the equivalent of 2500 pounds, in dollars". And he'll get the money.

A day goes by, and I'm laughing my ass off as I learn Richardson is rather nonplused:

Howard, what is this? Bakare try as you ask and clerk make jest of him. He almost arested. What are you doing? you must send money now, urgent to process with no more delay!

Who, me jest? Nyuk nyuk nyuk:

Are you kidding me? That didn't work? It ALWAYS F***ING WORKED in the Lagos Western Union before! Damn...my favorite clerk there musta quit or got eaten by army ants or something. Lemme figure this out and get back to you.

Now Richardson is stewing:

HOWARD ALL IS NEEDED IS MTCN AND A STOP TO THIS DEALY! REALLY YOU MUST URGENT REPOND SOONEST!

I decide to really tweak out this ultra-numbnuts:

Richard-san: you are one of the f***ing stupidest mugus I've ever had the pleasure of baiting in Scamland. But here's the part that's really gonna get you, bubi: I am DEAD! I am Jerome "Curly" Howard, of the Three Stooges. I died in 1952. FIFTY-SIX YEARS AGO! The address you have for me IS WHERE MY CORPSE IS BURIED!

Now, perhaps you're asking yourself, "WTF?". Well, let me tell you about WTF: you have managed to contact me through technological break throughs of a science called ITC: Instrumental TransCommunication. It allows us on the Astral Plane -- the Third Astral Plane, to be exactamundo -- to communicate with you, back on the physical plane. By random chance, atmospheric bounce, sun spots and a weakness in your cerebral cortex, probably related to too much time with your cranium keeping your colon company (see what I just did there?), your initial scam email found it's way to me. A dead guy. A dead guy who used to be a comedian...nyuk nyuk nyuk. And you soived me up such easy pitches over the plate to hit outta the dimension, I just hadda. As for the language, I never did talk like that, but Ty Cobb does, and he told me I'd be one sorry f***ing candy ass, if I didn't put some colorful metaphorics into my replies to you. He'd a spiked you hisself, if he'd had the chance.

Now, the reason you didn't get a good MTCN number is on accounta cuz your Lagos Western Union's receivers ain't calibrated properly, for receiving cash from the Third Astral Plane. Anyway, since we don't use cash on the Third Astral Plane, we make up our own for people like you. It would have been paper, colorful and very artistically appealing, but it would have been worth snake-spit.

Here, we use it for toilet paper. Don't know what that is? You should really try it in place of tree bark. Really.

Anyway, Richard-san, you'll be very happy to know that soon your name and email address will be on the physical world wide net, being accessible to any physical form with internet access, so one and all can see how STUPID you've been.

Enjoy the notoriety, bubi!

J. C. Howard

Now, this guy was stupid, I'll grant you. Most stupid scammers, when receiving a reply like that, just let it go, knowing they've been had, and there's nothing more for them here. But to put an exclamation point to his stupidity, Richardson responds with this:

Howard, i read what you say and understand content well. i think maybe we could partner, yes? what you say?

I JUST GOT OFFERED A PARTNERSHIP WITH ONE OF THE STUPIDEST SCAMMERS, QUITE POSSIBLY, OF THE NEW MILLENNIUM???? ROFLMFAO!!!!!

I decide to see how he answers this:

Are you f***ing kidding me? You and me as partners? A dead comedian and a live, intellect-of-a-tree stump? No, that's not fair to tree stumps. You're much stupider than that. Though, you might have an edge on a tree stump, since you can access the internet. That puts you on par with AlGore, but the tree stump's still ahead. So tell me, James Richardson, just what is it that you can offer me in such a partnership? Hmmmm? Give me one thing you have to offer me in such a deal, and I'll give it the consideration it desoives.

Alas, he doesn't. Answer, or have anything to offer. Other than this blog entry, which -- if I am so inclined to at the end of the year -- will be a candidate for STUPID SCAMMER OF THE YEAR AWARD.

Right now, I think this moron wins, hands down.