Friday, April 4, 2008

Anatomy of a Russian Bride Scam -- V

This is probably closer in appearance to whom/what I've been communicating all this time (guess which photo). But I don't let her know that just yet. After sending her my full of enthusiasm reply, I get yet another text book example that she has more than one pidgeon on the line, and that she's having a harder time keeping those pidgeons straight:
Hello! Dear, I do not wish to give you a words of goodbye! I am sorry about all the problems with the money (where did I suggest in my reply any problems with the money? LOL). But without your help I will not albe to fly to you. My relatives no longer can support me. Please, I need you to bring me to you! I don't want to be lonely any more without you! I want you! I want you to surround me with your care. I go to sleep with thoughts of you that never leave me! I want to wake up in your arms every day! I want to be your sunshine! I want you to warm your hands up in the back pockets of my jeans (zadda bow bow!)! I want you to pay me with your kisses for the rental of my jeans pockets (LMAO...oh, whoever's writing this part deserves a mini-Academy award for scam bullsh** writing). I never want more to belong to anyone than to you! I will listen to all you say and never question anything you tell me (LOL, any guys who want this email address, it's posted back in an earlier episode). I want you to love touch me all over, and to make to you the same.
Damned near needed a cold shower after that 'un, shore 'nuff! At any rate, it's obvious another of her pidgeons is having money trouble, and she confused me widdem. So I send her a quick and subtle little "WTF?":
My darling Oksana,
What "money trouble" are you speaking of? I am not having, nor have I written to you of having, any "money trouble". Is there something I need to know, my little sunshine with nicely-shaped jeans pockets?
Believe me, your last email sent chills all up and down my form, and to any place blood does what it needs to do! I will have this deal wrapped up, and you in my arms, in no time! Patience, my darling, and your ends and means will come to a deserved fruition here, very shortly!
I'm going to go take a cold shower now!
J. C.
Apparently, whoever's reading the emails, can't remember whom they're communicating with. This short, desperate reply tells me they can't keep their intended victims straight:
I am desperate for you, and the words that you send about money trouble is chilling my warmth and my hope! Please, I need you! I can't live if you fail me! It is only money, my love! For an American, $985 is nothing, against winning my love forever! Please, please, darling, don't fail me! I am so close to being yours!
Iksana (oh, we're back to Iksana again, eh?).
Well, I could have played this for perhaps one or two more exchanges...but I've noticed that when one starts getting squeamish on the money with these yardboids, they drop communication faster than a Putin gulag invitation.
So, it's time. Time to let Anna/Iksana/Oksana/Iksana et al, in on the great secret hyar:
My very confused, conniving whomever you are,
I thank you for providing me with a nice, textbook lesson plan for a writing exercise I am putting together for my blog readers. It'll be called ANATOMY OF A RUSSIAN BRIDE SCAM.
You see, my amusing whomever-you-really-are, I knew from the first email you sent me that you were a scam. You foolishly used the same template that I have seen more than a dozen times from persons of your dubious antecedence and vodka-think. You might just be my 500th scammer since 2000. Perhaps there should be an award for that. More on that in a minute.
My dear (sir) -- whichever applies -- truth be told, you're not good at this. Really. To use a gaming analogy to underscore this for you: if you were a poker player, you'd be one of the lousiest there ever was. You have way too many "tells" -- indicators that give your game away. In this particular case, you have a plethora of written "tells" that exposed you from the beginning. Your knuckle-dragging, drunken Ivan handlers need a drastically re-written template to work from. This badly-overused one sucks.
Now, I won't give you a hint as to all your "tells", but I will be a gentleman and let you in on one of them: you failed to keep all of the people you were communicating with straight, and began replying to me about things I'd never written to you. For an alleged brunette, that was terribly blonde of you. And it was only one of many "tells" you sent me.
Like I said, you suck at this. You'd be better served to save your 'suck' for other things, but I digress.
But, I must thank you: the series of photos you sent me are of one of the most beautiful women I've seen this month in Scamland. I have a collection of the very best of Russian scammers who lied, tried and failed with me, that now line my trophy wall. The photos you sent me -- obviously of someone else -- will occupy a place of honor there, I assure you. I suspect you look more like the photo I'm attaching to this reply (see above) in real life. And I'm sure it's what you meant to make me to look like, had I been as dumb as a tree stump.

Oh whoops;I wasn't.
But, just so's you and your handlers don't feel too bad, I will send you something, as I alluded to above. Such an effort shouldn't go completely unrewarded. So I will send you the attached (it's a lesser amount Euro bill, made up by the same crazy Canuck who made the other one; see above), as a reward for your pithy but amusing efforts to screw me over. I don't want you to feel like your idiotic efforts were completely wasted. Unless of course, you're stupid enough to try to counterfeit and cash the above...but you might be. I can only hope. Your gulags always have vacancies.
So goodbye, Anna/Iksana/Oksana/Boris, whatever the flying fish f*** you are. Thanks for the training aid and entertainment!
J. C. Howard
Almost with regret, that ended any further repartee from her/whoevers' end. No beautiful, 100% compliant Russian babe to let me warm my hands in her jeans pockets, and pay for the privilege only with kisses.
But there'll be more attempts; count on it. I may need a bigger wall. And if they get any better with their template writing, I'll definitely need more cold showers. Zadda bow bow!
Okay class, now for the pop quiz: if a sheep is a ram, and a donkey is an ass, why is a ram in the ass a goose?


Blogger Jack K. said...

A very interesting question you have ended your missive with. You need to confer with the great cyber-guru with such a question.

04 April, 2008 14:22  
Blogger Little Lamb said...

They're zeroing on the kill.

You have been tagged.

04 April, 2008 16:55  
Blogger Serena Joy said...

LOL! These Russian gals are persistent wenches, aren't they?:)

04 April, 2008 17:00  
Blogger Herb said...

I'd have to take a gander at the question again.

05 April, 2008 04:43  
Blogger ANNA-LYS said...

ROFL :-)

06 April, 2008 11:14  
Blogger Vicky said...

Suburban Mommy linked you and I have been a fan ever since. Your writing can make a bad day better. Thanks for the laughs!

06 April, 2008 19:40  
Blogger MileHighDivaCyn said...

Oh if I only had some hot borscht for you ROARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

07 April, 2008 22:36  

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