Vocabulary Builder -- IX

Welcome to the unimagined 9th installment of vocabulary building, Skunk-style. As for the character at the right, his soul purpose is celebrating the fact that he is mentioned -- albeit indirectly, sorta -- somewhere in this h'yar lexicological sequence of the space & spelling time continuum, in a contextual sense to the overall syntax practiced herein and wherever else a good English teacher with a handly ruler can make instant corrections to mistakes in the making.

Oops; well, at least they could when I was in school. A couple did, too...*whack*.

At any rate, onward and downward we drag English with selections like hyar:

Antipasto:

- Italian meaning "hates pasta"

- Italian meaning "a hors d'oeuvre"

- Italian meaning "a dead aunt"

Cockade:

- Viagra

- a benefit concert for roosters with erectile dysfunction

- a rosette worn in a hat as a badge of office

Maginot Line:

- it doesn't work very well in singles' bars, either

- a poorly-conceived magic trick

- a line of defense on which one relies blindly

Genteel:

- male eel

- duck with class

- refined or stylish

Hugger-mugger:

- a politician

- "in secret"

- a thief who works close

Incept:

- a bug

- sex between siblings

- take a master's or doctor's degree

Gargoyle:

- usually done with mouth wash

- grotesque carved face projecting from a roof gutter

- barlighting conceals this at a distance

Dogma:

- bitch

- arrogant expression of opinion

- fetish with drinking from toilets

Glockenspiel:

- a musical instrument

- German meaning "das fraulein mitte nice glutten valken, ja"

- German-made firearm

Handicap:

- British cartoon character

- the hat's always handy

- disadvantaged imposed on superior competitor

Problematic:

- doubtful or questionable

- squirrels have invaded the roof

- congressional in origin, it's designed to cost lots and automatically be a problem

Oxpecker:

- and you thought it'd be a bad idea for pigs to fly

- male oxes swear by 'em; the females have differing opinions

- African bird that feeds on parasites living on animals

Instigator:

- someone who stirs things up

- a new Chia product

- what a guy's zipper becomes when he gets caught in it...*rimshot*

Enema:

- who we're fighting in Iraq and Afghanistan

- Auntie

- I rectum it's a medical thang to purge da bowels

Jabberwocky:

- Chewy just won't shut up

- Ebonics meaning "walkin' the walk, peckerwood"

- a piece of nonsensical writing...*TOING*

Laissez-passer:

- French meaning "so lazee, he pass le gas in le crowd"

- French meaning "a permit to let pass"

- French meaning "an inefficient NFL QB"

Nappy:

- need to take one

- this, "headed" and "ho" got Don Imus briefly fired

- British meaning "diaper"

Anti-oxident:

- agent that inhibits oxidation

- Kim Jong Il

- investigator of ox cart crashes in Malaysia

Parti-pris:

- French meaning "le party pooper"

- French meaning "spoiled debutante"

- French meaning "side taken"

Kendo:

- what Barbie's after in the divorce

- fence Japanese farmers use to contain cows

- form of Japanese fencing using bamboo swords

Gravitas:

- an orbital problem for astronauts

- seriousness

- when age and gravity send your ass south

Candor:

- frankness

- an abbreviated history of wieners

- one of those endangered big birds

Maim:

- Redneck meaning "howdy do, Maim"

- danged Yankee state waaay up yonder in the NE

- cripple

Greed:

- Redneck meaning "we greed on this h'yar"

- Redneck meaning "she dun got greed and throwd up"

- excessive desire

I dunno...maybe upcoming storm chasing will save y'all from Part X gettin' created...maybe ;-)

Dear Skunky -- IX

Recall my earlier note that April had produced for me a bumper crap of really stupid scammers. Well, here's another 'un. Usually, when I have more than a half-dozen or so exchanges with a scammer, I make it a multi-part entry. But not for this one. This one is a Dear Skunky condensed special. This one makes a tree stump look like a friggin' PhD.

It all began with this unsolicited letter from James Richardson (jamesrichardson7907@yahoo.co.uk), that wasn't even addressed to moi:

Hello Leonna, this is to notify you the fanacier have mail out the money to you in amount of $3,500 so i urge you to get back to me if you have got it and have it cashed so that i candirect you on how to go about it. Waiting your urgent reply.

I decide to see how 'lucid' and 'literate' this compound clown is with a reply that usually ends communication (note: this version is edited for the blog):

Sir,

Just who the f*** is Leonna? I don't know any f***ing Leonna. What f***ing money is this? And how is it you can't f***ing tell me from Le-f***ing-onna? Just what is this business, and what's in it for me, besides some slut named Le-f***ing-onna?

J. C. F***ing Howard

Without so much as missing a beat, Richardson replies to me as if I was meant to be contacted all along:

The money order was sent to you by the fanacier of the Amount $9m that will be sent to you account while the $3500 is for the document that we are going to prepare to cary out the process so i urge you to get back to me if you have got the money order cashed so that i will drect you on how to go about it.

These are the kind I like: nothing deviates them from their intended script. At least, nothing early on:

Feller,

And just how the f*** was the money gonna be sent to me? You don't even have my f***ing address! So you can get your stumbling sh** on the right track, you tell me just where the f*** you're planning to send this to me, let alone how the f*** I'm going to have cashed a money order I don't even know is coming.

J. F***ing C.

After a day, it is obvious that my use of J. C. Howard -- and the information I used for him -- has made it's way around a few scammer's internet cafes:

Howard,

You are Jerome C Howard. You live at 4334 Whittier Blvd los angeles californa, 90023. you bank at First Astral Savings Loan. i have this informations for you so it is not a worry.

The money order is sent to the address you have on ups. This is tracking number: J1832052068 which you can track on http://www.ups.com/ to confirm it's status and main while i will urge you to check with your mail box if it has been droped inside. Waiting your urgent reply.

Ah, it's nice to know one of my alter igors is well-renowned down in the internet cafes and slums of Lagos. I suggest I am impressed:

Sir, so you do your f***ing homework well! Congratulations are in order....once you show you can complete what you start. As you say the shipment is enroute, I shall watch for it in dead f***ing earnest.

In the past, such liberal use of the f-bomb has turned off a number of scammers. Not this 'un. He replies:

I will be waiting to hear from you as the money is an urgent needs so i will urge you to get back to me soonest.

A day later, I give him this:

The property caretaker dropped off a package for me, containing a money order for $3,500. Now what the f*** do I do widdit?

Later the same day, I get these instructions:

Thanks for your update, so i will urge you to get the money cashed and make it avalable to the below informatin via western union money transfer for the urgent preperation of the document.

RECEIVER NAME: BOSUN M. BAKARE

CITY: LAGOS

ZIP CODE: 234-01

TEST QUESTION: WHAT FOR

ANSWER: JUNE

so i will urge you to send $2500 to the above information and get back to me with the western union money transfer number and the sender information wihle you will be direct on how to go about the rest of the money. the document will be prepered as soon as we receive money so urge you soonest to send.

Okay, now time to start throwing wrenches in the monkey pumps:

Okay, let me see if I have this straight: I'm to send some money via Western Gram to a Nigerian seaman, Bosun's Mate Bakare, in Lagos, and send the rest of it somewhere else when so designated at a later date? I don't understand: what the f*** does the Nigerian Navy, consisting of one rowboat with twelve skinny oarsmen, have to do with any of this?

Richardson is so insistent on sticking to the script, he ignores most of my comments:

Listen, Howard Bosun M. Bakare are incharge of th peperation of the document of the amount $15.5 million (at the beginning, it was $9 million..LOL) that will be sent to you from the Union Bank of Nigeria which the fanacier suport the finacne the transfer so that he can have his own percentage from the money as fer as you can't affort to finance it and so i will urge you to get this across to him today via western union so that they can start work on the transfer ducument as soon as possible.

I'll play, for now:

Well hell's dildos, feller, why didn't you f***ing put it that way the first time? Now I understand. I'll get right on it soonest.

Expecting good things based on that last reply, Richardson sends this:

okay and kindly get back to me with the money transfer control number and the sender's mane once you send it. please send urgently. also know this is confidental, please see to it.

Confidental, eh? Well, ol' JC knows how to make it so...code it:

Bitte, Herr Dickson,

Zender's Namen: Howardt, J. C.

MTCN Numen: Eich...Drich...Inferren...Och...Zeben...Och...Och...Zero...Furth...Fieven

Das Question: Alles

Das Antwort: Hundsfott

Awpeterstain, Meinen Herr.

Thus ends his precious script, as Richardson has his own version of WTF:

Howard i got your email but did not understand the way you put it, i will urge you to get back with MTCN NUMBER in roman figure so that i will get it across for immediate acting on it as it is an urgent needs.

Roman figures? Ask and receive:

What? You want it in Roman figures?

Okay: I II III VIII VII VIII VIII O IV V

I was trying to code it -- refer to your f***ing insistence on confidental -- but I guess you don't read Deutchenspreche or Deutchencounte. So, here 'tis in Roman figures. Let me know when we are ready to proceed.

Now he's getting pissed, but I only gave him what he asked for:

HOWARD, USE NUMBERS. USE 1 THROUGH 9 NUMBERS. SEND URGENT NOW!

My turn to fan his pissed:

Now listen, Richard the pin-headed: you asked for roman f***ing figures, and I gave it to you in roman f***ing figures. You don't want roman f***ing figures, you wont' get roman f***ing figures. I'll hold up fingers if that will f***ing help. Listen, idiot, I am doing the best I f***ing can, and you're forever changing the f***ing rules. Get your sh** wired and make up your f***ing mind about what f***ing numbers you f***ing want!

As usual, when they piss off their intended victim, they back off:

Howard, please is calm down. I mean no ofense. i just not can read the numbers you present. I would you please to use regular numbers as in English. Soonest.

I chill out...but don't change the numbers:

Feller, okay, you're forgiven. Now just tell your f***ing mench to get over to Western Union and inquire about the wire transfer from J. C. Howard, sender. Tell him to take with him a picture of a big chicken. When he gets there, tell him to place the picture in front of the clerk; when the clerk sees it, they'll ask "what's this?" Your contact will answer "a 2008 Henway". When the clerk asks "what's a 2008 Henway?", your man says "the equivalent of 2500 pounds, in dollars". And he'll get the money.

A day goes by, and I'm laughing my ass off as I learn Richardson is rather nonplused:

Howard, what is this? Bakare try as you ask and clerk make jest of him. He almost arested. What are you doing? you must send money now, urgent to process with no more delay!

Who, me jest? Nyuk nyuk nyuk:

Are you kidding me? That didn't work? It ALWAYS F***ING WORKED in the Lagos Western Union before! Damn...my favorite clerk there musta quit or got eaten by army ants or something. Lemme figure this out and get back to you.

Now Richardson is stewing:

HOWARD ALL IS NEEDED IS MTCN AND A STOP TO THIS DEALY! REALLY YOU MUST URGENT REPOND SOONEST!

I decide to really tweak out this ultra-numbnuts:

Richard-san: you are one of the f***ing stupidest mugus I've ever had the pleasure of baiting in Scamland. But here's the part that's really gonna get you, bubi: I am DEAD! I am Jerome "Curly" Howard, of the Three Stooges. I died in 1952. FIFTY-SIX YEARS AGO! The address you have for me IS WHERE MY CORPSE IS BURIED!

Now, perhaps you're asking yourself, "WTF?". Well, let me tell you about WTF: you have managed to contact me through technological break throughs of a science called ITC: Instrumental TransCommunication. It allows us on the Astral Plane -- the Third Astral Plane, to be exactamundo -- to communicate with you, back on the physical plane. By random chance, atmospheric bounce, sun spots and a weakness in your cerebral cortex, probably related to too much time with your cranium keeping your colon company (see what I just did there?), your initial scam email found it's way to me. A dead guy. A dead guy who used to be a comedian...nyuk nyuk nyuk. And you soived me up such easy pitches over the plate to hit outta the dimension, I just hadda. As for the language, I never did talk like that, but Ty Cobb does, and he told me I'd be one sorry f***ing candy ass, if I didn't put some colorful metaphorics into my replies to you. He'd a spiked you hisself, if he'd had the chance.

Now, the reason you didn't get a good MTCN number is on accounta cuz your Lagos Western Union's receivers ain't calibrated properly, for receiving cash from the Third Astral Plane. Anyway, since we don't use cash on the Third Astral Plane, we make up our own for people like you. It would have been paper, colorful and very artistically appealing, but it would have been worth snake-spit.

Here, we use it for toilet paper. Don't know what that is? You should really try it in place of tree bark. Really.

Anyway, Richard-san, you'll be very happy to know that soon your name and email address will be on the physical world wide net, being accessible to any physical form with internet access, so one and all can see how STUPID you've been.

Enjoy the notoriety, bubi!

J. C. Howard

Now, this guy was stupid, I'll grant you. Most stupid scammers, when receiving a reply like that, just let it go, knowing they've been had, and there's nothing more for them here. But to put an exclamation point to his stupidity, Richardson responds with this:

Howard, i read what you say and understand content well. i think maybe we could partner, yes? what you say?

I JUST GOT OFFERED A PARTNERSHIP WITH ONE OF THE STUPIDEST SCAMMERS, QUITE POSSIBLY, OF THE NEW MILLENNIUM???? ROFLMFAO!!!!!

I decide to see how he answers this:

Are you f***ing kidding me? You and me as partners? A dead comedian and a live, intellect-of-a-tree stump? No, that's not fair to tree stumps. You're much stupider than that. Though, you might have an edge on a tree stump, since you can access the internet. That puts you on par with AlGore, but the tree stump's still ahead. So tell me, James Richardson, just what is it that you can offer me in such a partnership? Hmmmm? Give me one thing you have to offer me in such a deal, and I'll give it the consideration it desoives.

Alas, he doesn't. Answer, or have anything to offer. Other than this blog entry, which -- if I am so inclined to at the end of the year -- will be a candidate for STUPID SCAMMER OF THE YEAR AWARD.

Right now, I think this moron wins, hands down.

Vocabulary Builder -- VIII

It's A Mad Mad Mad Mad Vocabulary, to be sure. Frankly, I don't know who's going down in flames first: Rooney/Hackett, or moi, with this latest crashiverbal exercise in literary abominationism.

So let's find out:

Abomination:
- what Iran is just begging for
- Rosie O'Donnell in spandex
- an object of disgust (see above)


Humus:
- a funny blooming idiot
- organic soil material
- spring break post-beer urinating contest


Strew:
- porridge thrown up over a large area
- sex over a large area
- stuff scattered over a large area


Bonsai:
- a dwarfed tree
- Japanese meaning "charge!"
- Japanese meaning "ship sailing divine winds into side of something"


Phallus:
- TV sitcom starring Larry Hagman as a real prick *ducking boos and throwd items*
- Redneck meaning "them fellers phallus all over th' place"
- a real dork *once again...*


Cantaloupe:
- lame antelope
- orange fleshed melon
- if you try, her daddy'll shoot you


Diplomat:
- someone the enemy wipes their feet on
- a degree in French
- a tactful person


Holster:
- a belt-worn case for a pistol
- as opposed to half the cow
- a fire-breathing pastor


Gasthaus:
- German meaning "petrol station"
- German meaning "ach tu liver, neinen brats undt kraut fer du!"
- German meaning "a small inn"


Freebooter:
- a punter in the NFL
- a generous maker of footwear
- a pirate


Judo:
- used to make matzo balls
- Ancient God of Hiyyyaaaaaaaa!
- sport of unarmed combat


Iridium:
- her relief at having dumped the loser...
- mastered a fractious horse
- a hard white element used in alloys


Secateurs:
- French meaning "pruning shears"
- French meaning "secretarial saboteur"
- French meaning "sac le teur", aka "What le Foch", one or the other, or neither


Armor:
- it's just lust...geddoverit
- then there's enough
- a vehicle with guns, wheels, tracks, and a ton of heavy metal


Phatic:
- em
- obese pest
- "how do you do?"


Entellus:
- Roman meaning "The Gladiator Network"
- Roman meaning "one smart feller"
- name of a Trojan in Virgil's Aeneid, whatever the phalanx that was...


Pekingese:
- a leg man does
- a lapdog
- A Chinese call girl


Caparison:
- one cleans his room, the other is setting fire to his sister's Barbie
- contrast
- a horse's trappings


Aerate:
- supply an elevator with fresh air after a fart
- cost of oxygen per square inch
- carnivorous air in a sci-fi story


Scepter:
- Redneck meaning "ya like her"
- Redneck meaning "a revenooer's chase vehickle"
- royal or imperial symbol of authority


Schizocarp:
- a fish with issues
- dry fruits that split into single-seeded parts when ripe
- a bitching schizoid


Schlep:
- will if stepping into something schleppery *more ducking of boos and throwd items*
- Curly's replacement on the Three Stooges
- awkward or slow person


Entrails:
- lost in a journey of the mind, at least for some with anatomical cranial misplacement syndrome
- song Gene Autry closed his show with
- bowels


Iconoclasm:
- icon have and have nots being set against each other
- computer screen symbols during mating season
- the breaking of images


Kittiwake:
- sea cliff-dwelling bird
- the crap your cat scatters on a romp
- water trail of a catamaran


Fieri facius:
- Latin meaning "you're ugly and your mom dresses funny"
- Latin meaning "cause to be made or done"
- Latin meaning "your face is on fire"


Pheasant:
- a poor person
- have yourself that kind of day
- a fowl that, when crossed with a duck, isn't polite to say

Will there be a Vocabulary IX or Nein? Cast your votes at Verbicidal Tendencies, and hope that if you vote yes, it won't count due to having Florida or Ohio do the tally...

Dear Skunky -- VIII

Sometimes, a scammer's missive needs more help than Dear Skunky can, hisself, offer up. Not that I've let that stump me in the past, but this time, with Mrs. Annen Joubert (mrsannenj_j@yahoo.de), I decided that I needed to focus in on one very impertinent..er...important segment of her effort to give me the business, at the expense of most of the rest of it.

Here's the part of what poor old Mrs. Annen Joubert sent, that got Dear Skunky's attention:

Subj: INHERITANCE

Dear Beloved, glory to God in heaven. My name is Mrs. Annen Joubert from South Africa. I am married to Mr. Abraham Benjamin Joubert, who is a farmer here in South Africa for many years before he die in 2004 (of what, will become obvious in a mo'). We were married for eleven years without a child (*TOING*). He died after a brief illness (desperation pud whacking?) that lasted only four days (yeah, four straight days of that'd do it, I 'spose). Before his death (by his own hand..snort) we were both born again Christians. Since his death I decided not to re-marry or geta child outside my matrimonial home which the Bible is against (so, you don't wanna drive another one to palmicide, eh? How thoughtful). When my late husband was alive he deposited a total sum of $10.Million with bank in Europe (crap, he didn't have anything else to do).

She goes on to tell me how she's now dying of some cancerous malady (probably snatch neglect), and how she wants me to stand in as a next of kin, so I can keep the money from the government, and all I have to do is promise to donate some of it to widows of dead pud whackers (no point in worrying about orphans in that case, is there?).

Granted, by the template this scammer uses, how to avoid her type of cancer is a bit late. And expert words of advice will do her fatally over-whacked husband no good. But perhaps it will be of help, if she shares the wisdom with someone not yet in her particular situation.

Now, I know a thing or two about sex. After 51 years, it better be at least a thing or two dozen. But I am no recognized expert on the subject. So I had Dear Skunky contact a truly recognized expert in the field: Dr. Ruth Vestheimer. And I found that she was zo very happy to make zuggestions to das Mrs. Annen. Zo much zo, I vill let you read exactly vhat das gudt Doktor zent in reply:

Mine Dear Mrs. Joubert,

Bitte! Mine name ist Dr. Ruth Vestheimer, undt a gudt friend of mine -- Dear Schkunky -- he toldt me das problems you ist havingk, undt I vould most enjoy vorking midde you to solve das problems midde your eleven years middout das rugratten undt schtuff.

Virst, I must zay to you, voman, dat a gudt reason fer das vidowhoodt you find yourself in ist your own vault! Mine gott! Eleven years middout das vhoopie? No vonder your late husband vhacked himself to death! Zelf-grativication like dat ist most unsatisfyingk! You gots vhat he needed, undt you put das cork in it undt playedt ice borg! Shame on you, you underachievingk nymph!

Next, das reason fer das disease undt infestation vhat's eating your vergeena avay now! Lack of zexual activity leads to das infestations of crotch crickets undt utter nasties undt schtuff down there! You must unleashen das inner schlut, undt hump midde reckless abandonment! Zince you are out of das practice, you must schtarten midde schmall steps: put zome Vaseline on das door knob and make like you are ridingk das pony express! Make zure it isn't made of das vood, or das slivers vill curdle your ubula faster than a clit piercingk! Zen, vunce you got das rhythm, vork from dere to das men in your village. Schart midde 50 zomethingsk virst. You can vear them down quicker than liquor! Make zure they don't got das Viagra, tho'. Zen from zhere, you may hump at vill. Das vill keep das crotch critters from takingk up residence undt eating your vomanhoodt.

Anyzhing else I can do, please do not hesitate to sprechen up undt let me know! Awpeterstain, undt good zex!

And of course, I added this little post script to Dr. Ruth's advice:

PS: Madam, as for the rest of this missive, I have to tell you that you suck at it. Which you should have spent more time at widde yo' dead spouse! HA! Oops...sorry. Hadda slip that 'un in. Well, Ice Princess, you wouldn't let that happen, either! HA! Screwed yourself good, it seems! HA! Your dead pud whacker never grasped the nature of the excess cucumbers under the bed, did he? See what I just did there? HA!

Apparently, Mrs. Annen Joubert -- or her handler(s) -- had a degree of trouble with translating the Dr. Ruth portion of this email. 'Cuz two days later, I got this:

Dear,

I wish ask you that you please write in words i can understand better im not sure what you have said to me. can you help me?

ROFLMAO!!!

Dear Skunky is always ready to oblige with clarification:

Ma'am,

No, I really can't translate the first message any better than it came to you, not that you'd know how that felt...*rimshot*. Addressing a key point of your letter, I had a friend of mine -- Dr. Ruth Vestheimer -- give you advice on how to put "zome zing back in das snatch" and keep from having your next husband commit palmicide. Eleven years without a child! You thermostat-tripping Ironbox! What do you wear, a kevlar thong? Porcupine tampons? Sheesh.

If you wouldn't screw your own spouse, how do you expect to screw me over with this piss-poor scam, Madam Porcupine-Tamponed Ironbox?

Sincerely,

Dear Skunky

They apparently were able to read enough of that with much better clarity, as their ever-since silence suggests. I'm just sorry to see that they had such a hard time reading Dr. Ruth's advice. Just imagine how happy all the village door knobs would be about now...*ducking boos and throwd items*

Vocabulary Builder -- VII

Which brings into question just how "lucky" the number seven truly is, but I digress.

So while Igor (pronounced "Eye-gor") points out the source from whenst vocabulary builders are hatched to become verbiage omelettes, let's get on with further slaughterage of the Americanized English lexicon:

Digress:

- wander really far afield from the original point, if there ever really was one to stick to

- change the color of your gress

- a gress that became road kill on the syntax super spellcheck

Aquifer:

- a route water prefers

- mermaid poon

- rock or soil able to transfer water

Diva:

- Italian meaning "dump"

- Italian meaning "prima donna"

- Italian meaning "taka the submarine down, and mama mia, close the hatches this time"

Earthenware:

- environmentally-friendly thong (may not be for the eyes, tho')

- pottery

- question from a German-speaking alien

Groats:

- something disgusting

- farm animals that butt folks from behind

- crushed grain

Eclectic:

- transmitting electricity through a pastry

- an electrifying evangelical

- deriving ideas from varied sources

Reckon:

- the whole language, one word at a time...

- USMC meaning "the git-out-and-find-'em fellers"

- to calculate

Ignis fatuus:

- Latin meaning "gentlemen, start your fat asses and get to work"
- Latin meaning "a fart lighter"

- Latin meaning "a foolish fire"

Factorage:

- pissed off fractions

- the chronology of factor

- pay for a business agent that doesn't include graft, embezzlement, cooking the books, etc.

Desertification:

- various categories of desertion

- making ice cream

- process of making a desert

Holstein:

- Bavarian beer mug

- a milk cow

- Bavarian beer mug that looks like a milk cow

Kidderminster:

- cathedral for pranksters

- government agency in charge of officially-sanctioned humor (ie., Baghdad Bob)

- reversible carpet

Pith:

- as in "oh...."

- physical strength

- urinating while making a "th" sound

Lollygag:

- loiter

- cloning around

- a really lousy sucker

Laxative:

- a directive with little umph

- a substance that gives the bowels mucho umph
- inclination to being laid back with no umph

Jiggery-pokery:

- porcupine sex

- dishonesty

- something Dr. Ruth talked about, but no one could understand vhat zhe vuz zayingk..

Malady:

- your gal

- a redundant observation about your mother

- a disease

Obfuscate:

- hockey maneuver

- mathematical hypotenus that postulates that pi r squared, when any danged fool kin see the friggin' thang is round

- to confuse

Naturopathy:

- treat a disease without drugs
- an unpaved path through a pasture, littered with meadow muffins
- natural indifference

Umbiferous:

- providing shade

- throws up a lot

- hesitates before throwing up a lot

Pro rata:

- Latin meaning "professional snitch"

- Latin meaning "according to the rate"

- Latin meaning "Ettu, Brutus, you dirty rat"

Salmonella:

- tasty dish that's brought up a lot (ducking boos, throwd items and sympathetic reflex reactions)

- bacterial food poisoning
-hitman for a NY crime family

Summa cum laude:

- Latin meaning "highest standard"

- Latin meaning "a summer thunderstorm"

- Latin meaning "I think she's past breathing hard"

Spitchcock:

- Alfred

- a male nightmare

- a split-fried eel

Tableau:

- French meaning "socially unacceptable"

- French meaning "picturesque"

- French meaning "an Islamofascist suicide bomber disguised as a carbonated beverage"

Thence:

- a former fence

- past tense of "the"

- for that reason

Venetian:

- a native of Venice

- a blind native of Venice

- a blinds maker native to Venice

Wake:

- what you have to do to hit the 'snooze' button

- celebration of a dead person

- debris left behind celebrants if the dead person wakes up and joins them

Yo-ho:

- used to solicit in some venues

- used to attract attention

- saying something akin got Don Imus fired briefly

Yowl:

- loud wailing cry

- loud wailing cry that the utterer wasn't sure how to spell

- exclamation when hit by low-flying owl

Zeitgeist:

- exclamation when confronted by unexpected geist

- spirit that drops in and zeits a spell

- spirit of the times

Sum:

-Redneck meaning "that sky ball that makes it light and hot"

- Redneck meaning "ah got sum; howz 'bout y'all?"

- Sumthing mathematical

Pantaloon:

- a screwy duck in your pants

- pants worn by a character in an Italian comedy
- pantless obscene phone caller

Udopia:

- an imagined perfect place

- an imagined perfect place for morons out of touch with reality

- an autobiography of a drug user-turned-evangelist, that winds up featured on Oprah Winfrey's Book of the Month Club, makes millions, and winds up being a complete fabrication...DOH!

I think my dictionary's melting...

A Reverberating DUH

April 2008, has provided me, I believe, the absolutely stupidest crop of scammers I've ever had. One of which will be lowlighted in an upcoming Dear Skunky at the end of the month. But the one I'm going to lowlight for you today just can't wait.

This one makes a door knob look PhD-worthy.

It began as "Winning Notification", and the gist of the original text is thus:

UK LOTTERY 2008: this prestigious award has set out and successfully organised a Sweepstakes marking our 20th anniversary. We have rolled out over GBP 25,000,000 for this anniversary draws. Participants were randomly selected and drawn from a wide range of web hosts which enjoy their patronage. YOUR EMAIL ADDRESS AS INDICATED WAS DRAWN AND ATTACHED TO TICKET NUMBER...yada, yada, yada.

It follows with a bunch of other gobbledygook, and ends with this:

To file your claim, please contact our Claims Agent with informations below:

Mrs. Cathrine Jones

email cathrinejones_claims@live.com (it goes on to ask for my name, country, address, tele #, age, sex, position). And it concluded signed off by a Mr. Tom Spencer.

I've received and played a few of these, but they generally tend to bore me, so I've used this response to put a finish to most all of them:

Dear Spencer & Jones Collaborative:

This is mighty nice of y'all to let me know about. It's also crap, but that's not the point. It's still mighty nice of you to let me know about, even if it's crap. I really feel I should repay your intended objectives accordingly, so here's what I want you to do:

- take this reply

-print it

- fold it length-wise

- shove it up your respective asses, sideways

Thank me not; if you follow these instructions, the pleasure is really all mine.

J. C. Howard

That always puts paid to these scam letters. Or at least, either it used to, or I have hit the muthaload of really stupid scammers. After sending that reply -- and a week passes -- I get this reply from Ms. Cathrine Jones (musta got divorced the week past or something, since she's now a Ms instead of a Mrs):

HIGH COURT OF JUDICIARY DISCLAIMER FORM

This is to certify that i Mr/Mrs............ the Legal aproved owner of the UK NATIONAL LOTTERY Check worth GBP 500,000 does not wish to proceed with the ongoing deliver of my package. This is as a result of my inability to meet with statustory claims requirement (ROFLMAO here).

The Legal document backing to my package and my International Certified Bank Check is to be remitted/refunded back to the Headquarters as unclaimed prize.

Please Fill in Your Details: (it goes on to ask for my name, address, phone, fax, and country).

In the above supply details, i confirm all the informations is given here in good faith believing all is true and correct in accord to international law. As soon as the details hereforth are sent. Your Package worth of GBP 500,000 would be delivered back to the Headquarters.

Sworn at the High Court Judiciary Mount Halley

Commisioner of Oath

Mrs. Rose Windsow

Now don't THAT beat all?

Wahl...I just couldn't let it go at that...so I filled out their "disclaimer form", and added a couple (dozen) of frills and dressin' to the text, and sent it right on back to Ms/Mrs Cathrine Jones:

HIGH COURT OF JUDUMBASSARY

DISS Y'ALL FORM

THIS IS TO CERTIFY THAT I MR. J. C. HOWARD THE LEGAL APPROVED OWNER OF THE FAUX UK NATIONAL LOTTERY CHECK WORTH SNAKE SPIT, DOES NOT WISH TO PROCEED WITH THE ONGOING DELIVERY OF MY PACKAGE, WHICH I KNOW TO BE COMPLETE HORSE SH**, JUST AS THIS FORM IS. THIS IS AS A RESULT OF MY INABILITY TO MEET THE DUMBED-DOWN STANDARDS NECESSARY TO BE DUPED BY THIS PACK OF MUGU BUMWANKERS. THE ILLEGAL DOCUMENTS BACKING TO MY BULLSH** PACKAGE AND MY NON-EXISTENT INTERNATIONAL CERTIFIED BANK CHECK IS TO BE REFUNDED BACK TO THE HINDQUARTERS AS AN UNSUCCESSFUL SCAM FAILURE, AND FILED AS HERETOFORE SUGGESTED BY ME IN A PRIOR RESPONSE TO THIS POORLY-CRAFTED SON OF A WILDEBEEST ABORTION.

(I followed with J. C. Howard's personal info, as requested).

IN THE ABOVE SUPPLY DETAILS, I CONFIRM ALL THE INFORMATION THAT IS GIVEN HERE IS AS ACCURATE AS THE SCAM THAT ILLICITED IT, AND THE LOWER-THAN-SNAKE-SPIT SCAMMERS WHO PISS-POORLY DRAFTED IT. IT DIDN'T WORK, DUMB ASSES. CATHRINE JONES IS A TOOTHLESS, PICADILLY CIRCUS SLUT WHO COULDN'T GET A QUID FOR A BLOWJOB, IN ACCORDANCE TO ANY LAWS, INCLUDING THOSE OF NATURE. AS SOON AS THE DETAILS HEREFORTH ARE SENT, THIS SH** PACKAGE WORTH OF GBP SNAKE SPIT WILL BE DELIVERED BACK TO THE HINDQUARTERS, FOR SIDEWAYS INSERTION UP THEIR COLLECTIVE ARSES.

SWORN AT THE HIGH COURT OF JUDUMBASSARY MOUNT PORCUPINE COMMISSIONER OF OAFS

MRS. ROSE WINDSOW, ANOTHER MUGU TOOTHLESS STREET SLUT OF DUBIOUS ANTECEDENCE AND FREE-RANGE CROTCH CRICKETS

You reckon they'll send me any more forms to fill out?

I don't reckon so, either ;-)

Vocabulary Builder VI -- Careful What You Wish For

If I had a better photo program, that sign coulda been re-writ to read "Absolutely Nothing -- Next 22 (or so) Words".

With some encouragement from the Verbicidal Tendencies gang, I am going to stretch crucincredulity with some more of that woid play stuff that makes one want to go right out and...buy drugs. Play video games. Get your gentilia pierced. Slap a badger. Ride a porcupine. Onion fart in a full elevator from the front.

Or combine all of them into official IRS Annual Fiscal Proctoscope Day, for all you almost last-minute procrastinators out there.

Me thinks we got the ideer hyar:

Tundra:

- a fat eskimo

- a cold, treeless plain

- a cold, treeless plain populated with fat eskimos

Plethora:

- one of them baby-making parts in a woman

- Endora's first cousin on Bewitched

- an oversupply

Crampon:

- ice climber's spiked footwear

- a cheap tampon

- a female ice climber's feminine protection...ouch

Chenille:

- a frilly fabric

- #5

- The Captain &

Senile:

- Redneck meaning "See'n I'll git er dun"

- This is a...what?

- You talkin' to me?

Flail:

- what I'm doing with this installment

- a genetic eunuch cross between a flounder and a quail

- what a golfer does in a sand trap

Decimate:

- married for the 10th time? Whatta nut..

- used at an internet cafe ta sweeten your syntax...er...somethin...

- destroy

Toady:

- or tomorrow..whatever

- Redneck meaning "toad ye!"

- Sycophant

Sycophant:

- mad elephant that attacked Janet Leigh in Psycho

- toady

- like, wow man, a totally laid back 'phant, dude

Precipice:

- steep place

- I guess even rain's gotta go...

- what cold rain becomes

Quintessential:

- to the movie Jaws, he was...

- being the most typical

- according to Manfred Mann...

Fait Accompli:

- French meaning "a thing already accomplished"

- French meaning "a fat accomplice"

- French meaning "fat chance...let's surrender"

Gauche:

- Spanish meaning "gesundheit"

- Spanish meaning "tactless"

- Spanish meaning "go screw yourself"

Abalone:

- expresses skepticism and demeans lunchmeat at the same time

- one of them towns trapped in Kansas

- a mollusk

Abject:

- the anti-subject

- miserable

- when your abs cramp during sit-ups

Piedmont:

- area along the base of a mountain range

- mythical character that, with a flute, led all the prairie dogs into North Dakota

- to urinate in Montana

Austere:

- stern or severe

- followed by Septembere (ducking boos and throwd items)

- a cow down under

Sublime:

- a bad mortgage deal

- a citrus cull

- supreme

Malice:

- the mother of all lice

- ill-intent

- Bud Ice gone bad (telephonic stalking penguin included)

Vixen:

- a line Mason wouldn't cross

- ill-tempered woman

- German Redneck meaning "alles das broke undt they're vixen it"

Discourse:

- conversation

- denigrate the class material

- denigrate the navigator

Sardonic:

- elixir made from pureed sardines

- the attitude of sardines in general to the above

- mocking

Taciturn:

- a pensive burd

- untalkative

- having painstakingly urned it (more ducking of boos and throwd items)

Dichotomy:

- division into two parts

- another way to say autopsy

- operation to re-attach what she bit off (see obiter dictum, Chapter IV)

Casanova:

- an exploding house

- a ladies' man

- Mexican meaning "house of napalm-quality chili"

Shamrock:

- a fake stone

- a rock band that really sucks

- a clover plant

Forlorn:

- one isn't the loneliest number after all

- A Ford model that was discontinued

- miserable

Zenith:

- Archie's dingbat at her worst

- achieve maximum potential

- an ith of Zen goes a long way, dude

Abacus:

- if one member of the band blew a lyric, what the rest of them did

- a constipated mathematician who worked it out with a pencil

- an ancient counting device

Perhaps this took the pain out of your IRS homework. Or not...

Anatomy of a Russian Bride Scam -- V

This is probably closer in appearance to whom/what I've been communicating all this time (guess which photo). But I don't let her know that just yet. After sending her my full of enthusiasm reply, I get yet another text book example that she has more than one pidgeon on the line, and that she's having a harder time keeping those pidgeons straight:

Hello! Dear, I do not wish to give you a words of goodbye! I am sorry about all the problems with the money (where did I suggest in my reply any problems with the money? LOL). But without your help I will not albe to fly to you. My relatives no longer can support me. Please, I need you to bring me to you! I don't want to be lonely any more without you! I want you! I want you to surround me with your care. I go to sleep with thoughts of you that never leave me! I want to wake up in your arms every day! I want to be your sunshine! I want you to warm your hands up in the back pockets of my jeans (zadda bow bow!)! I want you to pay me with your kisses for the rental of my jeans pockets (LMAO...oh, whoever's writing this part deserves a mini-Academy award for scam bullsh** writing). I never want more to belong to anyone than to you! I will listen to all you say and never question anything you tell me (LOL, any guys who want this email address, it's posted back in an earlier episode). I want you to love touch me all over, and to make to you the same.

Damned near needed a cold shower after that 'un, shore 'nuff! At any rate, it's obvious another of her pidgeons is having money trouble, and she confused me widdem. So I send her a quick and subtle little "WTF?":

My darling Oksana,

What "money trouble" are you speaking of? I am not having, nor have I written to you of having, any "money trouble". Is there something I need to know, my little sunshine with nicely-shaped jeans pockets?

Believe me, your last email sent chills all up and down my form, and to any place blood does what it needs to do! I will have this deal wrapped up, and you in my arms, in no time! Patience, my darling, and your ends and means will come to a deserved fruition here, very shortly!

I'm going to go take a cold shower now!

J. C.

Apparently, whoever's reading the emails, can't remember whom they're communicating with. This short, desperate reply tells me they can't keep their intended victims straight:

dearest,

I am desperate for you, and the words that you send about money trouble is chilling my warmth and my hope! Please, I need you! I can't live if you fail me! It is only money, my love! For an American, $985 is nothing, against winning my love forever! Please, please, darling, don't fail me! I am so close to being yours!

Iksana (oh, we're back to Iksana again, eh?).

Well, I could have played this for perhaps one or two more exchanges...but I've noticed that when one starts getting squeamish on the money with these yardboids, they drop communication faster than a Putin gulag invitation.

So, it's time. Time to let Anna/Iksana/Oksana/Iksana et al, in on the great secret hyar:

My very confused, conniving whomever you are,

I thank you for providing me with a nice, textbook lesson plan for a writing exercise I am putting together for my blog readers. It'll be called ANATOMY OF A RUSSIAN BRIDE SCAM.

You see, my amusing whomever-you-really-are, I knew from the first email you sent me that you were a scam. You foolishly used the same template that I have seen more than a dozen times from persons of your dubious antecedence and vodka-think. You might just be my 500th scammer since 2000. Perhaps there should be an award for that. More on that in a minute.

My dear (sir) -- whichever applies -- truth be told, you're not good at this. Really. To use a gaming analogy to underscore this for you: if you were a poker player, you'd be one of the lousiest there ever was. You have way too many "tells" -- indicators that give your game away. In this particular case, you have a plethora of written "tells" that exposed you from the beginning. Your knuckle-dragging, drunken Ivan handlers need a drastically re-written template to work from. This badly-overused one sucks.

Now, I won't give you a hint as to all your "tells", but I will be a gentleman and let you in on one of them: you failed to keep all of the people you were communicating with straight, and began replying to me about things I'd never written to you. For an alleged brunette, that was terribly blonde of you. And it was only one of many "tells" you sent me.

Like I said, you suck at this. You'd be better served to save your 'suck' for other things, but I digress.

But, I must thank you: the series of photos you sent me are of one of the most beautiful women I've seen this month in Scamland. I have a collection of the very best of Russian scammers who lied, tried and failed with me, that now line my trophy wall. The photos you sent me -- obviously of someone else -- will occupy a place of honor there, I assure you. I suspect you look more like the photo I'm attaching to this reply (see above) in real life. And I'm sure it's what you meant to make me to look like, had I been as dumb as a tree stump.

Oh whoops;I wasn't.

But, just so's you and your handlers don't feel too bad, I will send you something, as I alluded to above. Such an effort shouldn't go completely unrewarded. So I will send you the attached (it's a lesser amount Euro bill, made up by the same crazy Canuck who made the other one; see above), as a reward for your pithy but amusing efforts to screw me over. I don't want you to feel like your idiotic efforts were completely wasted. Unless of course, you're stupid enough to try to counterfeit and cash the above...but you might be. I can only hope. Your gulags always have vacancies.

So goodbye, Anna/Iksana/Oksana/Boris, whatever the flying fish f*** you are. Thanks for the training aid and entertainment!

J. C. Howard

Almost with regret, that ended any further repartee from her/whoevers' end. No beautiful, 100% compliant Russian babe to let me warm my hands in her jeans pockets, and pay for the privilege only with kisses.

Horsefeathers.

But there'll be more attempts; count on it. I may need a bigger wall. And if they get any better with their template writing, I'll definitely need more cold showers. Zadda bow bow!

Okay class, now for the pop quiz: if a sheep is a ram, and a donkey is an ass, why is a ram in the ass a goose?

Anatomy of a Russian Bride Scam -- IV

Awwwwww...ain't she special? It's too bad the real person on the other end of this probably looks like the upcoming photo in closing Episode V.

Once a Russian bride scammer has a potential target locked on, 'she' doesn't waste any time, getting from her crap-hole-in-the-middle-of-borschtville, to her jumping-off point to the intended victim's delusion: Moscow. Sometimes they'll cross you up and use St. Petersburg, instead. Actually more fitting than Moscow, St. Petersburg is better from an implication angle, since they're lining up to screw you in the end. But in this case, my precious lipshun chose Moscow. And, rather amusingly, a new twist on her name: instead of Iksana, now she's Oksana.

This is what frequently happens when your scamstress has more than one pidgeon in the coop, and starts forgetting what she's writing to whom:

Hello, my Tiger!!! (she kills me)... I so excited to write you again!!! I'm in Moscow!!! You cant imagine how happy I am because I already started my trip to you (ie., they're a step closer to getting to "the rat killing"). I still can't believe I done it!!! Wow!!! Moscow is such big city with many so people!!! Everything here is expensive, not like in my town. But I find place to stay.. (she goes on to describe how she's renting a room from a "70 year old retired policeman who was widowed two years ago". Except for the fact that the last two scammers rented rooms from "a 70 year old retired widow who lost her husband two years ago", it's the template).

Her template continues with an exact copy of what I have seen from two other scammers: He said I have to be very careful....you know he said many girls from small cities come to big cities, they are looking for a better future and fortune but because they are from small cities they can't imagine things are harder to find than they thought, and some of them end up as prostitutes or something like that. He said I should be careful when I meet you!! But I said don't worry about you!! I feel with all my heart that you are really nice man!!

Copied down to the last syllable, except that the two times, it was a 70 year old lady.

She goes on to tell me about how her parents worry about and miss her, but I tell them all about you, and they are happy that you make me happy, and wish me to pursue my dream of being happy with you in America (gag me with a borscht portion). Granted, some parents really are that inattentive and indifferent, but since this is all make-believe, what the heck.

Finally, she ends on this note: I must go now but tomorrow I will see travel agency and get plan for my trip to be with you!!! I will send you it soon as I get it!!! I can't wait for my journey to you to be final!!! I love you, really and truly!!! With love and kisses!!!

I sent her back a short but promising reply:

My darling Iksana/Oksana,

I am confused about the change in your name, but what's a couple letters when one is in love? I am glad you are safely ensconced in Moscow. And with a retired cop, no less! Listen well to him, for all retired cops in Moscow are known to be ethical and above board, just like they are in Mexico (a *TOING* that went over her head, along with her handlers). I wait with eager anticipation as you learn the details of your trip to me, and let me know, so I can re-arrange my life to place you in the center of my very reason to exist (yeah, Two Dogs, I know...but what the heck: I used to say such things and try to mean it in my 20's...works better now on a scammer, than when I meant it LOL). You do be careful in Moscow, and don't wind up getting hired out to service the Kremlin Precinct, okay?

A day later comes what always comes with these scams: she (or he, or "it", or their handlers) finally gets down to the "rat killing":

Hello my darling Tiger (she kills me)!!! Today I learn all about my trip at travel agency and I can't wait to share!!! If this works, I can be with you in three days!!! I hope so much for this to work!!! I so ache in my heart for you my love!!!

After laying out a flight schedule (I'm sure one that I could authenticate), she goes over a little hokum about being nervous with all the plans now, I am a little scared. I hope you will like me and I will not displease you when we meet!!! I wish so I please you our first time, and all times after (yeah, my and every other red-blooded male's fantasy). I feel we know each other and are meant as one from two, yes?

Finally, she gets down to it: I have job all arranged, but won't get salary for a while until I work for some time. I hate to ask this but you are my only hope now (a little *tug* at what they hope is a snared heart string) and I must tell you that I do not have all the money I need for travel. After getting to Moscow, I am learned I need $1285 to come to you, and I am left now only $300. I have all from my relatives I can borrow. Please...you are my last hope. Can you send me $985, so my dream of you can be true? Please send it today by Western Union or Money Gram. I will write you details (and she tells me to send it to Russia, Oksana Baskakova, and to have my Western Union or Money Gram forward it to Credit Europa Bank, 117525, Kirovogradskaya st., 15).

She ends with I am now in your hands, dear love! I will listen to everything you tell me and I will do everything you tell me (LOL, "if it sounds too good to be true...."). I trust you really much! I live for your love and response to make us one!

My reply is meant to her all the hope she's about to cash in:

My very darling Oksana,

You excite me with all these details and promises! Soon you will be mine! And you place your faith in me with good reason: I am exactly what you take me for, and more (biting my lip here). I look so forward to doing what is needed to make my meeting of my only love in the entire universe, a reality! I will get things together here, and soon, you will have the news that will make your heart sore (I reckon she doesn't know the diff between 'soar' and 'sore').

Last up: Episode V -- confusionski, a cold shower and end of the 'dream'.

Anatomy of a Russian Bride Scam -- III

Yawp...Anna-Iksana soitently knows that the way to an internet man's heart, is visual. And I note that as I peruse her latest reply, she -- or her handler -- has adapted the general template to some of my last responses.


Just like the previous scamstresses.


Now, she's turning up the heat (or the charm), as her reply is headed: Love Me If You Dare!

Hello my Tiger (pardon me while I join Two Dogs in the corner, barfing). I can so you to name? Thanks for your reply so much!

Again, to the salient portions of her reply, noting how she has shaped the template to fit the previous questions:

- I am ok with your age! Have you heard a saying the older the violin the sweeter the music? My father, he is 58 now, and my mom is 46. You see my mom is much younger than my father and they are very happy together, so you will make me much happy, I think. I like more mature men for me, who know more and care more for me how I like to be cared with.

- I hear so much about how more nice, more caring for women are American men than Russian men. I know as I read you that you are kind, and will much give me happiness, so I am sure of you that is my soulmate here I found (what she said, I think).

She goes on to tell me about her little town (Kondopoga, located near Petrozavodsk); how she takes care of her body by doing aerobics three times a week, swimming twice a week, and walking in the city park; how she has several diplomas from the university in Petrozavodsk, but she likes to do sales work in small shops, where I like not to have think too much, I like work more with people (yeah, babe, leave the thinkin' to your handler).

She gets around to asking me about where I live -- I tell her Cheyenne, Wyoming, home of the big Indian carvings in the middle of town (dunno if they have any such there or not) -- and if there is an international airport nearby, where she can eventually fly to meet me (I tell her that's in Denver, two hours south of Cheyenne).

She goes onto tell me that she will be travelling to Moscow in a few more days, so I can get with travel agency and prepare to come be with my Tiger (awwww, or *gag*, your choice). Finally, she finishes up with this beautifully worded hokum: ok, it time I finish my email. You know I write you from internet cafe (all of your scamstresses do, honey) and it always seems a long time before I write you again. I want to send you now a kiss by the wind to you and if I sent it to the right destinations you should receive it by evening. I wish you to catch and remember my kiss, my dearest.

Are those tears the "awwwww, ain't that sweet" or "ROFLMAO" kind?

Well, after my replies to her various thoughts and comments, I can't help but close my reply to match the sentiment overflowing the knickers here and there, so I'm about to make it worse toward the *gag*side with my reply to that:

Y'know, my velvet rose Iksana, I think I just did catch that warm caress of a kiss on the winds of promise, sweetheart. On those same winds will you one day soon ride a silver bird to our first meeting embrace, whereupon I will replace then, the caring hug that I send you now, on those same winds that are blowing ever stronger, Iksana, with a real hug that will warm you to your soul. Sweet dreams to you, and to your plans and schemes in the coming days, my pussy...cat.

Yeah, I know....nauseating. I promise, it's gonna get worse in the next installment, when she broaches the 'L' word for the first time (and in the scheme of this template, right on time). And she'll do it from her last stop before coming to me: Moscow. Or so she says.

Next up: Part IV -- The 'Rat Killing'

Anatomy of a Russian Bride Scam -- II

**Note: in a quick but heart-felt digression, I wanted to thank Lindsay at Suburban Turmoil, who gave me a *Perfect Post Award* for March (my "It's Not Just A Job..." thwacking on an email scammer, back on March 10)...flattery like that will get her a scambait on her behalf ;-) And now, back to the biz at hand**

After two weeks, 'Anna' replies to J. C. Howard's initial drooling, stammering reply. However, one will note that (a) the email address she is sending and receiving from is different yet again (basko_2002@yabex.info) and (b) her name has changed from 'Anna' to 'Iksana'. But no change in the photos...hubba, hubba.

Just a bit of her rambling, meandering response:

- it is my first time I try to correspondence with man in internet world. I do hope you will be enough patient to understand my writing.

- I want you to know that I have only good intention and I don't have no big secrets (ROFLMAO at that)

- I am from so small town here in Russia Federation, I am afraid to be lost in a new place with no one to take care of and guide me (now, ain't that just the sweetest sh....stuff?)

- I hope that my pictures are okay to you. Do you mind my Slavic appearance (baby, if all Slavic women look like that, ALL ILLEGAL IMMIGRATION FROM EASTERN EUROPE NOW!!!)?

- I look forward to travel to USA to work for three months on visa, and perhaps you will be my guide, my friend, maybe more I think. I wish you to know this about me: I am good girl (yes, I am sure you are a good girl, just as Josef Stalin was merely misunderstood, too).

- It is not looks but the inside person that matter most with me. I ask you this but I wish you understand that it isn't not important with me. How old are you in true? (ol' JC fibbed a tad, and told her he was 45 to her 26).

- I hope you are sincere and kind man that I think you are to reply to me. Men in Russia are rude and cruel, they drink much and don't be responsible. You tell me you are not like this please (well, I could tell her I'm an ax murderer of Twinkies, but since I want this to play out some more, I give her the standard "I'm one of those boring nice guys, Iksana" lines, which actually ain't a lie...just ask my ex-fiancee).

All of the above are from a template I have seen in these letters before; she will take my answers, and adapt them (sort of) to the template, to keep this opportunity (aka, scam) alive.

Now, in past replies, I have been known to play with words, be sarcastic, punnish, etc. This time, I decide to play like I am enthused, enthralled, and just generally taking the bait with hook, line, sinker, etc. In the next installment, I will employ phrases that might melt a movie version of Meg Ryan's heart, but would make some bloggers, like Two Dogs, puke LOL. For now, however, I keep my reply to her response simple:

Dearest Iksana,

So, your name is really Iksana? Iksana...a beautifully exotic name. I like that. I am most pleased to meet you. I am Jerome "Curly" Howard. My friends used to call me "JC". You can, too.

I must say right up front, Iksana, that if you are an example of a textbook "Slavic" woman, you are a credit to Slavs the world over. You are positively radiant, and it is aptly apparent to me that the photos you send me are of one of the most beautiful women I've ever seen in these peculiar circumstances.

To answer your age question, my steppes blossom, I will admit to you that I am significantly older than you. I mean, you're only 26, and I am 45. But if such an age difference is of no consequence with you, as you say, then I am certainly okay with it, too. I am also sorry to hear that Russian men are so cavalier and thoughtless with their women, especially when the women are like you; I am just another one of those boring, well-mannered American men, Iksana, who knows how to treat a good woman (my ex-fiancee would be gagging at that, but the thought of her makes me gag as well, so that's a draw and I digress).

I am so terribly sorry to hear that life sucks in Russia. Life here is, on the whole, pretty fine, other than when one slacker party really wants to win an election. As for me, I am buried in my current circumstances, but I dig my lifestyle, despite how grave my responsibilities sometimes are, entombing me with my dead-serious obligations. Still, I manage to shovel out a good time when I need to, and for you, I am thinking it'll soon be time to make with a night life again (okay, I had to indulge in a little word play that I knowd would go over her and her handler's head hyar).

I look so forward to learning more about you, my alluring Iksana, and your plans and dreams for both your future, and perhaps for us, too.

Sincerely,

JC

In the next installment, one will see how some of the snippets of information I have provided here are melded into her template, as she begins to bend and shape me to her upcoming designs. And always, with more of them great photos...yowza. I haven't yet decided if I'm going to let her know eventually that she's playing romancing the bones, but one must stay flexible hyar.

Next up: Part III -- More Learning Ahaid

Anatomy of a Russian Bride Scam

And she shore has some anatomy...zadda bow bow.

Ladies and gentlemen, here is a lesson in Scamming 101: The Russian Bride Angle.

It starts with an unsolicited letter, just like this 'un:

From: Hotpink Flower (arthurvelasquez35@yahoo.co.uk)

To: cowboyzipper@yahoo.com (don't ask me; ain't my email addy)

Subj: Glad to hear you (what, I'm breathing that hard and loud?)

Hi! I'm a single girl and I'm 26 years. Please take a look at my pictures and let me know if you like them (guys, if you say you don't, you're dead or gay). I live in Russia and I'm going to come to your country and work over there very soon! I don't know anybody over there and I thought it would be great to meet someone who is open to anything as I am (like being taken for a fiscal ride). I would be happy to be friends, lovers or create a serous relationship! We will see what happens! I hope you write to me back and I will write more info about myself and send more photos (already I am liking this scammer, and she goes on)!!! I am writing from my friend's email (aka, her scam handler) so please make sure you do not reply directly to this email. Email me at bangelaiu4@yahoo.co.uk only. if you don't use my personal email back then I won't be able to read your reply and write you back. So it is very important that you get it right (so she can keep her various pidgeons separate). Ok, I guess it is now your turn (to tell her if you're a dupe or not). Hope to hear from you today. Bye! Anna.

Foist:

1. If it's an unsolicited letter like the above, almost without exception, it's a scam. How'd they get your email address? By mining online locations where someone might have left an email address to get a response or further information. Guestbooks is a popular mining ground for all sorts of online scammers.

2. The originating email address, if replied to, more often than not bounces.

3. The wrong email address in the "Sent to" header: there are probably a dozen or more other email addresses BCCed here that won't show up, but explain why my email addy received a copy of this lil' gem. It's a spammed scam letter, going out to as many addys as possible. If the scammer/stress receives multiple replies, her reply email addy will change for some of them, allowing her/her handlers to keep 'em all straight...or not, as upcoming examples will show.

4. Naturally, she's going to start out with pictures that are most assuredly going to get a "yowza, badda bing" out of male recipients, as these two gems got outta me. The photos are most certainly not of who is writing, but are meant to get a typical male response.

5. You'll note that she closed out the solicitation with the name of 'Anna'. If you reply, and she likes your reply (aka, *I got me a capitalist pig sucker!*), the name will almost always change. Sometimes, more than once. That comes later, when they are trying to juggle more than one intended victim.

How do I know all this? Simple: this is about the 12th to 15th time in the past 18 months that I have received this very same opening solicitation. Always from a different address, to a different address, with a slightly different story, but always with the same quality of eye-catching (and blood-shifting) photos of exceptionally beautiful, usually 24-26 year old Russian women. Blondes, brunettes, red-heads.....and all, breath-takingly stunning.

*Game on*

Anna,

Wow...I mean, how do you do, Ma'am. You are..well, if I may speak coherently with my blood supply trying to support two heads, you are absolutely drop-dead gorgeous, with the drop-dead part being highly relevant in my current circumstances. You are the most beautiful woman I have seen this week! Yes, by all means, write me back! I am so all over hearing more about you, Anna!Sincerely,

J. C. Howard (if anyone could 'raise the dead', so to speak, this hyar one could!)

Now, a reply doesn't always come immediately: depending on how many suitors (aka, suckers) 'Anna' has managed to draw on the opening salvo, she'll probably work them, one to a few at a time. But if her handler adjudges your reply to be sincere (aka, playable), then she will get to you. On this occasion, it took 'Anna' exactly two weeks to respond to ol' JC. And with more of those photos (next installment), and a new name, too.

Next up: Part II -- The Lesson Continues