Go Widda Flow V

I've heard of "divide and conquer", but this may be the first time I've experienced "divide and confuse". And I didn't even have to do it in this case: it seems to be exactly what's happening with my latest "benefactor", Evans Ofuggu, and his disorganization.

First off, you'll remember in Part IV, I referred to an email sent me by Ofuggu, wherein another email address was copied to receive the same email (hoef01@yahoo.com), and that the heading on the email was not directed specifically at me (aka, Phulovit) as all of Ofuggu's previous emails had been, or as his follow up "Apology Accepted" email was.

But about an hour after receiving and responding the "apology" email, I got another one from the Nigerian Investigative Department, Anti-Fraud Unit (fundsinvestgationdepartment21@yahoo.com.ar) with the subject heading of "Be Carefull Brother". For a bad cyber knockoff of a worse TV show, get a load of "Who's Email Line Is It, Anyway?":

FROM THE DESK OF: MR MARTINS OKOH (??!)
DEPUTY: Dr. Donald Smith

Attn: Martin Kamenov (??!!?)
RE: BE CAREFUL OF HOODLUMS

How are you today? Who is mr Evans Ofuggu? Please be very carefull of those you are communicting with ok. have you been contacted today by the Coresponce bank in Panama (the WHO? The WHAT? The WHERE?) ? if not get back to them immediately, because you should be recieving your fund today.get Back to me immediately. Remain bless of the Lord (awww....he bless me; Evans never dun that).

Yours sincerely,
Mr Martins Okoh
DEPUTY: DR Donald Smith

Apparently, these yahoos are running more than one scam on more than one assumed 'victim' here, and are getting their intended victims confused a tad. Make that a wad. A big, honkin' wad.
So I opt to stand up for my original scammer in the face of his replacement:

Mr. Martian Okoh? And just who in the "your barn door's open" are YOU supposed to be? I was originally contacted by Mr. Evans Ofuggu, the head of the department you claim now to run, with this Dr. Donald Smith as HIS Deputy, not yours. And while we're at it, just who in the exploding outhouse is this Martian Kamenov? Some illegal alien from Uranus?

And what BANK in PANAMA? Mr. Ofuggu was making arrangements for me to get the business from the AFRICAN DEVELOPMENT BANK, not some mosquito-bitten, banana-and-booger-picking third-rate bank in Central America!

So we are at a complete, absolute, not-one-step-forward HALT, until you explain to me WHO IN THE CESSPOOL AROMA YOU ARE, AND WHAT YOU'VE DONE WITH MY BENEFACTOR AND PROTECTOR, EVANS OFUGGU! Unless you authenticate yourself pronto, you'll not be giving ME the business here! I want to speak with Evans Ofuggu, NOW!

U. R. Phulovit

It took them a full day to sort out their confusion before responding. The response suggests it didn't help:

Phulovit Kamenov (Geeawd, are they forked up on who they're scamming, or what?):

I believe you confused this email somehow. I am Mr. Martians (there, he did it AGAIN...took my misspelling and USED IT!) Okoh, director of the Nigerian Investgation Depatment. There is no Evan Ofuggu here. And we have no contactal agreement with AFRICAN DEVELOPMENT BANK. We use only CORESPONDENCE BANK OF PANAMA, and our trusted contact there Mr. Mathias Mordi (the same goatpoker from Ofuggu's other bank!). I subject you are being abused in this by very bad touts with intention to fraud you (no sheeee-it, Martian). You must at once stop all parley with persons affecting hoodlums once, or you will be taken advantage with.

You are not to communicate with anyone else now but this office and take direction from here immediately for your payment of fund.

Reply soonest (!!!) so that you are clear about this.

Sincerely,

Mr. Martian Okoh

Simple stupid bastard can't keep himself or his victims straight. Since he/they seem to be fairly discombobulated, I decided to up the bobble and use against him/them something from their own initial email (in Part II):

My Unfavorite Martian:

You think you're so smart, don't you? Telling me that YOU are the boss at the Nigerian Investgative Depatment, and that Evans Ofuggu is probably a tout and a hoodlum. Well, I know how to determine that and pronto: WHAT IS THE SECURITY MOTTO? HUH? THE SECURITY CODE PHRASE THAT ASSURES ME THAT I AM DEALING WITH AN AUTHENTIC MEMBER OF THE NIGERIAN INVESTGATIVE DEPATMENT? C'mon...give it up. Spell it out. Right here in your reply, bud. No security motto, no tickee no washee, no bank of Panamaee. If you won't produce Evans Ofuggu, you best produce the authentication code!

I'm waiting.

Phulovit Kamenov Upendski

After two full days with no reply, I was prepared to accept that my unfavorite Martian & Co. had called it quits.

I was wrong.

Next up: Part VI and You Can't Trust Anynobody

Go Widda Flow IV

During my brief absence, Evan Ofuegbu (his original representation) got back to me with the next logical step in my "being ware of hoodlums": the inevitable "getting to the rat killing". But unlike the lightning-fast, glib-tongued Fed Ex commercial dude (from the 1980s), this guy thinks at the speed of compost maturation.

He's stopped signing his emails as the aforementioned, and has started signing them as I've been signing them: Evans Ofuggu. Either I am incredibly persuasive (*guffaw*), or it is merely another example that makes you wonder how these road apples manage to fool anyone.

At any rate, here's the latest post from Evans:

FROM THE DESK OF: Mr. Evans Ofuggu (*TOING*!)

ATTEN: U. R. PHULOVIT

RE: BE CAREFUL OF HOODLUMS

Be informed that your mail have been officially received in this office and all content therein was well understood .A meeting was held in the office of the Presidency because of the pains which our esteemed beneficiaries have gone through in the hands of these HOODLUMS. we have decided and agreed that all foreign beneficies in this batch of payment MUST only receive their funds through one of our correspondence banker in the country (African Development Bank *TOING*...another bank? That makes THREE). The bank that would handle your payment is the AFRICAN DEVELOPMENT BANK. You are advised to stop all communication with any person (persons) if any to avoid any jeopardy (ADVICE). We are highly investigating this Touts to see that they do not succeed with their evil plans again and for us to succeed you are expected to help us by sending any email to this office received from now onwards (he don' know what he's asking hyar, do he?). On behalf of the President and people of Nigeria, accept our apology for any inconveniencies you might have passed through this THIEVES and we are promising you that such action will never repeat it self again. .

I await your prompt response today immediately after you have written to the Bank International Remittance Officer through his offical email address request for further compliance as above for the payment of your funds:

Email: foreignoperation_adbank@financier.com

Finally, note that your file have been dispatched accordingly. Congratulation.

Yours sincerely,
Mr. Evans Ofuggu
International Payment Investigation Officer (I.P.I.D)

Because I was out of town on a family matter, my immediate prompt response didn't happen with prompt immediacy, which prompted the BIRO (noted above) to send me a prompt and immediate prod for response:

ATTN:DEAR, (getting awfully familiar here, eh?)

I SENT YOU A MAIL IN RESPECT OF YOUR PAYMENT TO CONTACT THE BANK.I JUST CONFIRM FROM THE DRECTOR OF THE BANK MR. MATHIAS MORDI.HE SAID THAT HE DIDN'T HEAR FROM YOU. IF YOU REALY WANT HIS PAYMENT TO BE MADE. I ADVICE YOU TO CONTACT HIM IMMEDATE OF THE EMAIL ADDRESS GIVEN PREVIOUSLY.

Testy, testy. I also noticed that there was a second email address (hoef01@yahoo.com) copied as receiving the same email. It didn't make sense to me at the time, but will start to in the next installment.

I sent him a brief "apology" note, explaining that I was out of town for a family emergency (true for once), and got this back:

ATTN: U. R. PHULOVIT
RE: APOLOGY ACCEPTED (ain't that precious?)

I want to inform you that your apology has been accepted. every relivant docuemnts as regards your payment has been forwarded to the bank. I want you to comply with the bank to enable them make your payement. just keep me posted on every development.

Yours sincerely,

Mr. Eans ofuggu (he's worse at remembering who he is than I am at remembering who he is)

And, shore 'nuff, I get a follow-up email from the AFRICAN DEVELOPMENT BANK:

EMAIL: FOREIGNOPERATION_ADBANK@FINANCIER.COM
AFICAN DEVELOPMENT BANK. Largest, Real-Time Online Banking Network in Nigeria. Our Core Values are >>> Humility (LOL) Integrity (ROFL) Empathy (ROFLMAO) Resilience (Mwhahahahaha...stop it, stop it, you're killing me hyar...hahahahahahaha)

THROUGH THE DESK OF FOREIGN OPERATION MANAGER.
AFRICAN DEVELOPMENT BANKHouse #2, Federal Secretariate Complex, Tinubu Square, Lagos Nigeria TEL 234-1-7202587 FAX 234-1-774-3763

Attn Phulovit

Your information has been handed over to us. i want you to forward every documents that you have at hand as regards this transaction for verification. do so as soon as possible, to enable us verify and make your payment.

Yours sincerely,
Mr. Mathias Mordi,
Payee Officer CBN

I love it when one scam hand doesn't keep the other apprised of who's trying to jerk who off and with what:

My Good Mathias Merde:

I appreciate your prompt response. As to the documents you reference, I have not yet seen or handled any; my good friend and protector, Evans Ofuggu, has been handling the processing and dispatching of those documents to the appropriate bank of the moment. I would therefore assume that you should have received those designer documents necessary from him. If you haven't, I have copied him with this email response, so that he may see to rounding up and getting to you the documents you are in need of.

As to the rest, I await your detailed instructions on what I am to provide to complete your giving me this business in the manure that I expect from professionals like you.

And I wish again to offer my thanks and gratitude to Mr. Eans Ofuggu, for pointing out to me the touts and HOODLUMS who could have made this journey what it is.

Next up, Part V -- Who's Scamming Who With Which Scam, Anyway?

Go Widda Flow III

(Note: if imbibing a beverage of choice, put down the can/glass/mug, and back away slowly, before commencing to read this hyar)

I am so honored to be under the "protection" of the Nigerian Investigative Department's Anti-Fraud Unit, headed by my new "good friend and protector", Evans Ofuggu (or so I've called him, and he's not disputed). After my reply to him, here's the response I got back:

Mr. Evans Ofuegbu
Tel: +234-1-8909562
Attn U. R. Phulovit
RE: BE CAREFUL OF HOODLUMS

This office have receive your email and the contents noted. We are glad to hear that such persons/Hoodlums have contacted you regarding such matters (they're glad?). However, you are advised to inform this office details of such emails for proper verifications inorder not to lose your fund.Note that the only approved paying bank is the First Chartered Bank Plc (in the last email, it was the Global Exchange Bank of Nigeria; oh well...). Be informed that your payment file will be sent to the paying bank once you have sent your details to this office. Consequently, the transaction code (SECURITY WATCH) this code word will guide you to know the bad eggs from the good one (I could use that help in my kitchen, but I digress) and any email/phone call you recieved in this transaction without this code word must be disregard.

The hoodlums in question sends dubious email and inturn embezzles clients funds. We were set up by the federal government to bring this culpits to book and to monitor/direct and give proper guidlines for clients funds claim. We are assuring you that you are not in danger but you are to take proper precaution and follow our advise for your claim.

Please to send us soonest (!!!) the personal information we requested since these are the requirements for further advice before linking you up to the paying bank. It is very vital you know that the funds are in your name as this is very reason why we contacted you for your claim.

We are expecting to hear from you today, while thanking you for your good understanding while we await your urgent response. On this note you are to stop any further communcation henceforth (with the other hoodlums, I gather, so I can take my orders from these ones) and follow our directives.

Sincerely, Mr. Evans Ofuegbu

So much for the Nigerian Feds "having my back". Despite the realization *snort*, I swallow my disappointment and let him think I am unshakably hooked, lined and sinkered here:

Mr. Evans Ofuggu:

Having carefully now scrutinized the totality of the instructions in your missive, I am satisfied that you are, indeed, giving me the business as is to be expected from a person of your reputed position and status. Since you have undertaken to warn me about the activities of these said hoodlums, and you are eminently positioned to judge peers from your vantage point, it is well that I allow you to proceed.

Thus I am complying with your request for information, having satisfied myself with your veracity:

Name: U. R. Phulovit
Address: 69 Schiessenploppen Platz, Vaduz, Liechtenstein 9490
Age Aggregate: 61 years aggregated so far
Phone and fax: 423 237 19 78 (my fax number; I am hearing impaired, so I have no regular phone number)
Occupation/position: research analyst for a company specializing in crustacean obedience training for TV, radio, commercial and industrial applications

To further demonstrate my faith in your veracity, I am also including a photocopy of my passport, which I feel comfortable in providing you in your official capacity.

I would ask of you that if you do, indeed, have Prof. Charles Soludo in custody, that you tell him for me that I am most disappointed in him trying to take advantage of my innocent nature, and I wish you to kindly pull his lower lip over the top of his head, and make him swallow. Personally, I hate violence except when it happens to others.

I shall await your further and detailed instructions, safe in the knowledge that I'm working with a level of professional that I know I can trust to give me the business as persons like yourself are pledged and dedicated to do. And I shall not accept any instructions that are not accompanied by the clever transaction code SECURITY WATCH.

U. R. Phulovit

In the meantime, I get a quick email scam from some pithy yahoo named Benson Ubaka; so to further along "the game", I send "Bensonmum" a quick reply, which I BCC to Evans:

Bensonmum: Oh no you don't! I know you're just trying to scam me. I know this because I have Mr. Evans Ofuggu of the Nigerian Investigative Department's Anti-Fraud Unit in my corner, and he's warned me all about hoodlums like you. You're not gonna play this on me, uh-uh, no siree Bob!

And shortly thereafter, I get this from Evans:

Attention U. R. Phulovit,

Thank God this happing for you to know exectly what we are talking about. You are warned not to have daelings with this any longer, ok, just try and send your details soonest.

Evens Ofuegbu (even he can't keep his name straight, so I certainly can be forgiven for not doing so)

When it came to the phone thing, he asked me again to send it to him; I reminded him that I was hearing impaired, and gave him the explanation that in my youth, I was a mercenary in SE Asia, fighting with the Fung Shui Raiders against the Khmer Baton Rouge, when I was too near a an incoming 150mm shell that wrecked my hearing and most of everything else in a 30 yard diameter.

After sending him the above, the 'lines of communication' went strangely silent; all I got back for the balance of that day and the next was a cybercarbon copy of the previous email requesting my personal info, nothing new or more.

And that's where it stands.

So Part IV -- What Scammers Want -- is pending.

Go Widda Flow II

I have proof positive that The Three Stooges aren't dead. They just replaced eye pokes and jackslaps with email scams.

As I noted in the previous installment, there were two emails that arrived together, and tweaked my writing bug to new lows. The first one was merely fauxintellectual, trying to baffle me with bullshick (a foolish notion, what with my own high level of bullshick); the second one was a true 'first' in my six years of 419 emails: an email from the NIGERIAN INVESTIGATION DEPARTMENT'S ANTI-FRAUD UNIT. Yep, you read that right. They were writing to warn me about the "hoodlums". Witness the letter in its entirety:

NIGERIAN INVESTIGATION DEPARTMENT
ANTI-FRAUD UNIT
4TH FLOOR MARY LAND
LAGOS NIGERIA
MOTTO: SECURITY WATCH

FROM THE DESK OF: MR EVANS OFUEGBU
DEPUTY: DR. DONALD SMITH

RE: BE CAREFUL OF HOODLUMS (no sheee-it...)

Sir/Madam,

Based on the finding in this investigastion department we wish to warn you against some touts (don't ask me what he means by 'touts').

We have been informed that some touts are contating you in respect to the collection of your fund in the total sum of $35 Million USA Dollars that was long approved in your favour through the Global Exchange Bank of Nigeria. as a matter of fact we have been on this nvestigation assignments for some time codely known to no one but the Presidency and some top government offical who are in support of this investigation team to help stop fraudalent activities in this country.

Although we have been able to come up with some good result about the people that have extorted money from you illegally and i wish to list them so that you will personally indicate them by writting back because we want to make your payment to you without any delay but we must shurely deal and bring this ames to book if only you will indicate correctly any of them.

The names of the Touts that have been arrested are as follows

1) PROF CHARLES SOLUDO
2) CHIEF JOSEPH SANUSI
3) DR. R. RASHEED
4) BARRISTER AWELE
(the idiots didn't list a #5...)
6) BARRISTER UCHEUZO WILLIAMS
7) Mr. Ernest Chukwudi Ebi Deputy governor - Policy/Board Member
8) Mr. Tunde Lemo Deputy Governor - Financial Sector Surveillance/Board Member
9) Mrs. W. D. A. Msheila Deputy Governor - Corporate Services/Board Member

The above listed names are been traced/investigated by the police and some of them have elope the country and note that if any of them is caught and find guilty he/she will go to jailed for 25 years as it is under the Degree 47 of the constituition of this bank under section of criminal law.

So we are waiting for you to write us and inform us if any of the above names have once contacted you in respect to the your fund if yes don't waste time to indicate it immediately. Note that the only office/paying bank that have right to pay or contact you in this Transfer is the GLOBAL EXCHANGE BANK OF NIGERIA which is been headed by the bank Governor. You must deal directly with them and do what so ever you asked to do because that is the only way you will achive the success of the transaction.

We applogise on behalf of the President and the People of Nigeria for any dealy and lost this most have course you and promise that such thing will not happen again (*TOING*). And if you are dealing wih any one of them regarding this payment we urge you to stop because you are taking a big risk and you never find your money any where because your money is with the above named bank.

Finally we are expecting to hear from you today so thanks for your good understanding while we wait for your urgent response to this mail. PLEASE CONTACT ME ON MY PRIVET MAIL BOX: fundsinvestigationdepartment21@yahoo.com.ar

Yours truely,

MR. EVANS OFUEGBU (Chairman Investigation Department)
DR. DONALD SMITH (Deputy Chairman Investigation department)

I say it again: let no one ever tell you that The Three Stooges are dead.

A quick cutting retort reply was called for here; but then I remembered it was me, and I yam what I yam, whatever that is. So I went for a reply that would probably start a dialogue:

Dear Esteemed Sirs:

I trust that you're kidding me, right? Prof. Charles Soludo is a hoodlum? You must be mistaken. I have been in contact with this individual, after he unexpectedly contacted me with information of the most incredible kind, and I have found him to be a fine and upstanding example of online execrement and the propagation thereof.

But since you two have titles that suggest governmental level positions, and since we all know that government is the antidope to any workable solution, I do wish you to inform me further just what this alleged hoodlum and some of the others you mentioned and I recognized are up to, and how I am vulnerable to their alleged odious machinations.

I therefore am and remain at your service,

U. R. Phulovit
Victim Emeritus-in-Training

Next up in Part III -- On Again, Off Again...?

Go Widda Flow

Short hiatus, eh?

Before I get to the subject material here, I recently found myself where I suppose some internet and other writers occasionally find themselves: thinking that I'd pretty much tanked on the humor reservoir, particularly on responding to 419 Nigerian email scam letters. There was this gnawing feeling that there was no humor left to wring from these idiot letters, whether or not I was really wringing any in the first place.

In all seriousness -- for at least a moment -- it is staggering and incomprehensible to me when I hear the statistics about folks who fall for and are bilked by the kind of 419 scam letters online that I've been receiving this past 6 years. Individually, the amounts run from a few hundred dollars to as much as ones' life savings in extreme cases. And it's worse, when one realizes that even when the perpetrator can be brought to 'justice', the victim has a worse than slim-and-none chance of ever recovering anything lost. In the cases where the victim lost thousands and more, it's a sad story for them and their families.

When you read the letters that I've shared here, along with the responses I get as I string some of these clowns along, it really makes you wonder what kind of person can actually allow themselves to be bilked by these transparent, "if it's too good to be true, it almost always is too good to be true" letters.

It's funny, and not so much so, how many otherwise intelligent, well-educated people fall victim to these scams. Most of which are, believe it or not, located in two of the generally more well-educated parts of the world: the US and Europe. Collectively, it is claimed (a claim I can't completely verify) that the income generated by these scams amount to the second leading revenue generator to Nigerian national coffers (after oil).

Anyway you slice it, that translates to one helluva lot of duped 'mugus' (the Nigerian term for "fool", applied by 419ers to those they dupe).

So much for analysis. Anyway, just as I came to believe I'd scraped the bottom of the humor barrel with these letters and found myself pondering the future of this blog -- and if there was one -- I received two more scam solicitations that suggested to me that I wasn't done yet. And being as how, after a few weeks of pondering it all I've come back to the inevitable conclusion that I yam what I yam (and I still hate yams, but I digress), I shall now depart the 'serious', and return to thence wherein the Skunk seems most adept at dwelling: goin' widda flow, wherever it leads.

In Part I (one), I (me) do one of my (un) patented faux "quick wit, cut and slash' responses to a particularly inept 419er who's trying to sound well-educated and articulate, and flops like a carp on asphalt in the July Georgia sun. This one you gotta read to believe. First, the 419er's ploy:

DEBT RECONCILIATION COMMITTEE (payment-info@winners.org)
RE: FINAL PAYMENT RELEASE

Dear Winner

We Apologies, for the delayed of your payment and all the Inconvenieces and Inflict that we might have indulge you through. However, we were having some minor problems with our payment system, which is Inexplicable, and have held us stranded and Indolent, not having the Aspiration to devote our 100% Assiduity in accrediting foreign payments (huh?).

We apologies once again from the Records of outstanding winners due for payment with {ONLINE CYBER PROMOTION} your name and particular was discovered as next on the list of the outstanding winners who have not yet received their payments (I think I understood this part, sorta kinda).

I wish to inform you that the square peg is now in square hole and can be voguish for that your payment is being processed and will be released to you as soon as you respond to this letter. Also note that from our record in our file, your outstanding winning payment is US$950,215.00 (NINE HUNDRED AND FIFTY THOUSAND, TWO HUNDRED AND FIFTEEN DOLLARS).

Payment will be made to you in a certified bank draft or wire transfer into a nominated bank account of your choice, as soon as you get in touched with (yeah, I'm sure they can't wait to touch me for this 'un...).

Mr. Fred Kumar
Email: fundremit_cen@yahoo.es

Provide him with the following details, as this will enable him to process and release of your cash prize without any delay.

Your Full Name
Telephone and Fax
Residental Address

Your urgent reply Mr. Fred Kumar via email: fundremit_cen@yahoo.es will effect the speedy release of your cash prize to you within 48hours.

Yours sincerely,
Mrs. Jane Philips, Vice President (of what?)

You'll pardon my overusage of a cyber expression suggesting a light (or lite) bulb going off, but *TOING*:

Dear Ms Jane Filledup and Fraud Kunar:

First off, allow me to compliment you not on the opening two paragraphs of your leading missive to me; it was as crystal clear in clarity as the run-off from Mt. St. Helens after it blew up in 1980. What in Hell's outhouse were you saying?

Oh, never mind. I do tend to nitpick about such things; like on the fine line between assiduity and assinity, a line you crossed with the finesse of a runaway Kenworth, but I digress.

Once I got past the bloating and syntaxial dystension accompanying your email, I was nonplussed to learn of your inexplicability in payment dysfunction. It is a leading economic indicator of colorectal excrement flowing at a rate that exceeds that of your average sub-Saharan bovine of aquatic variety. And being stranded with an indolent is rather annoying in a fireants-in-your-crotch kinda way, too.

Personally, I don't give a spiral dildo for much things voguish, but would be eminently satisfied if you'd kindly take your square peg and forcefully insert it in that square hole that you multi-task with (thinking and othering). If your square peg has slivers, mores the better.

I do have an issue with the amount of money you are saying I am a winner of: US$ 950,215? WHAT IN THE ELEPHANTFEATHERS IS THIS PITHY, PATHETIC $215 BEING ATTACHED TO THE MUCH LARGER, MORE LUCRATIVE SUM? DID YOU THINK ME AN INATTENTIVE DOORKNOB? DID YOU REALLY THINK I WOULDN'T NOTICE THIS OBVIOUSLY BOGUS AMOUNT THAT SOILS MY ALLEGED WINNINGS? WHICH ONE OF YOU PROJECTILE VOMIT BYPRODUCTS RAKED OFF MY OTHER $785?

Incidentally, Jane and Fred -- in a more cordial, totally non sequitur aside -- I have a pet rock named Seymour; he dates and knocked up an ear of corn named Jane. Per chance, do the two of you share some peculiar genealogical lineage? If you think so, I'm sure my Jane will deny it vociferously.

And yes, that's a real word.

At any rate, I have written you as you desired, though perhaps not entirely in the manure that you were contemplating before the spell check and thesaurus on your computer blew a nut and went syntax daffy. I must be off now; it's my week to slay mufflers on Yugos. So must yugo too, to self gratify yourselves with someone elses' barbed wire. Pull it through one extra time for me, soonest with sincerity.

Tataa,

Moi

If I get a follow-up reply from Jane or Fred, I'll be sure to let you know. I still want to know what in Hell's outhouse they were saying in those first two paragraphs...

Next up in Part II: thoughtful concern and solicitations from the Nigerian Investigation Department's Anti-Fraud Unit.

No kidding...

Finis

There's more to this story than I'll go into at this time; I'll simply leave it at this: Rest In Peace. Perhaps now you can.


Wayne L. Bay
October 29, 1931 - September 15, 2006

Scam or No Deal -- III

Ol' Simon hisself couldn't have picked a better photo to accompany Part III.

One thing about 419ers: they're persistent. If at first they don't get a reply, try try again. Take Cheung Pui: I've received a dozen or more email solicitations from him or his clone now in three years, all running the very same scam. In three or four cases, I've replied in what I would consider a most inappropriate, crass, uncouth manner (yeah, I know what you're thinking...not moi, those of you who really don't know me think). That ends it. Until the next mailing.

He apparently thinks if he keeps sending me the same scam at a couple-three month intervals, I'll quit calling him names and fall for his scam.

He don' know me vewy well, do he?

The scammers must think that persistence pays. If so, then might it not pay for Scam or No Scam? With that in mind, I kept re-sending the initial audition questionnaire (see Part I) about every other day, to the same group of email addresses (adding new ones and subtracting those that "mailer Matt Daemon"ed on me).

It worked: it flushed out a couple more I'll refer to as the densely determined and the aggrieved. FauxSimon was bemused.

First up, we have Mr. Franz Gander (franz_gander51@yahoo.co.in), reputed to be a Senegalese with a tale to tell and money to share; specifically, that of a Mr. Frank Roborto, one of those American engineers who can't seem to stay alive in Nigeria OR Senegal, but leave a fine cache of coinage ($15 Million US) behind them. To him, instead of a subject-specific reply, I sent him the audition email application for Scam or No Scam. A couple days later, this is the reply he sent back:

Subj: I Do Understood

Dear Phulovit:

I am writing sequel to your reply. Firstly, I am very happy for your kind of urgent respondence to my offer to you. I also do understood the content of your mail to me this morning but I will be very grateful if you can reason with me in this situation. I not contacting you because you are poor or that I want to make you to become "rich", no.

The reason why I contacted you is because I want you to help me out. I saw you as an honest someone who can be trustful confidently relied on of which I don't know how to get another personal like you in this regard. Please to reason with this my key point and I will greatly appreciate it.

FauxSimon near to "popped a vein" composing his reply:

Dear Franz AFLAC:

You know, I am flattered...BLOODY flattered...that you saw me as "an honest someone who can be trustful confidently relied on" and so forth. And I am flattered that you think I have the bloody stuff it takes to stand in for the late Mr. Domo arigato Mr. Roboto, in your efforts to give someone the business.

So you, unlike so many of your bloody peers, have at least a miniscule grasp of what Scam or No Scam is all about. In a very roundabout way.

Howsoever, Mr. Franz AFLAC, there's still this little bloody thing about protocol, eligibility, and following the ruddy instructions, mate. And while we here at SoNS are interested in your various and sundry ploys, WE BLOODY WELL AREN'T UNTIL YOU FILL OUT THE BLOODY AUDITION QUESTIONNAIRE, YOU BLEEDIN' HAMMERBONE!

Until you carry out this simple little first baby Huey step, I'm afraid I bloody can't stand in as Domo arigato Mr. Roboto, or any other bleedin' freak from a 20 year old song.

Do try to do a little better job of understanding THESE CONTENTS WELL, old bean, and send in the filled-out audition questionnaire, before mythical global warming floods the ruddy studios here, which is in 30 years according to some flatulence-laden politicians.

While waiting to see if Franz Gander/AFLAC gets back to us, we get a somewhat aggrieved reply from Mr. Sunny Kingz (claimsofficer344@yahoo.co.uk), who is supposed to be the contact man for any dupe silly enough to really believe they 'won' a million pounds sterling in the UK Online Lotto. With each 'mass' mailing of the audition application -- about 7 up to now -- his address has been among the recipients each time.

That seems to be the gist of his spurred-to-respond aggrievement:

HOW LONG WILL YOU CONTINUE TO SELECT ME WITHOUT MY RESPONDENCE???? PLEZE LET ME BE

Enter, cyberstage right, fauxSimon:

How long? HOW LONG WHAT? How long is a question she asks him in the dark! And if he's bloody smart, he answers it "long enough, sweet cheeks". Are you NOT that bloody smart, Sunny? How bloody long does it take you to bloody well respond to the first ruddy email? You know, we don't have to be doin' this: giving you a bloody chance at cyberstardom, you common cold virus on a toilet seat. But we received something FROM YOU, that showed you had what it bloody takes to make it on SoNS. And all you have to ruddy do is fill out the bleedin' audition application, before going back to collecting your bogus lotto fees from folks dumber than you're bloody coming across here.

How do you expect to give folks the business, when all you do is send a late, inadequeate, and snivelling reply to us, Sunny? When SHE asked you HOW LONG, did you come acropper with vaporlocking your ruddy gonads, or did you step up to the measuring stick?

Sunny, I have the patience of a porcupine being used as a toilet swab, so avoid my REALLY GETTING BLOODY SHORT WITH YOU -- something she may already have deduced in your ruddy case -- and get with filling out and returning the audition questionnaire. That's a good lad.

I've decided to retire fauxSimon before he causes U. R. Phulovit -- who's using me as a channeling source -- to "pop a vein". If there are any further replies to the Scam or No Scam audition email (enough to justify a Part IV), I'll be seeking a new 'judge' to respond.

*EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH*

Scam or No Deal -- II

Now that I had this fauxgreat idea for an online game show, a format, auditions and even potential contestants all set up, I found myself lacking one critical element: a judge.

Granted, I could be a judge. But y'all read my blog and see my judgement (and horrendous lack thereof) paraded by pretty regularly.

'Nuff said.

So in casting about for a proper 'role model' for a judge of the veritable avalanche of responses I got from auditionees (not), I needed to pick someone well-renowned/reviled as a judge of something pop culturesque.

And I found one: American Idol's Simon Cowell, a consummate pri ... judge of wide repute.

Thus, I employ a substitute Simon Cowell (aka, yours truly aka U. R. Phulovit), and proceed to deal with some of the respondents to the Scam or No Scam audition questionnaire.

First up: Ben Okoye (ben_okoye2006@yahoo.fr), who writes in response:

THANKS YOU FOR YOUR GIVEING INFORMATION OKAY I WHICH YOU ENTER ME THE SAMETHING.

*TOING*

Anyone who's watched Mr. Cowell in action can well imagine the reply that went back to Ben:

*EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH*

That...was bloody awful. No, wait...a bowel movement coming out sideways is bloody awful. YOU were bloody WORSE, if such a thing is possible and I didn't think so until I read your beyond-pathetic reply.

WHAT PART OF THE SIMPLE-FOR-A-FIVE-YEAR-OLD INSTRUCTIONS DIDN'T YOU UNDERSTAND, BEN? DID YOUR BLOODY DADDY RAISE A SON OR A TERMITE-RAVAGED TREE STUMP? DID YOU VOTE IN FLORIDA IN 2000? DO WE NEED TO SEND A SECOND GRADER FROM GEORGIA TO HELP YOU READ THE BLOODY INSTRUCTIONS?

KRIKEY!

Trust me on this, Ben: the phrase "ignorance is bliss" doesn't mean that you should be HAPPILY STUPID! Now bloody go back, re-read the bloody instructions, and send in a properly filled-out audition questionnaire, before you make that bloody William Hung look like Tony Bennett!

Ben was only a day in responding; still not correctly, but definitely not a Cowellesque fan, either:

SEE, YOU STOP GIVEING MY FATHER INSULT, YOU BAGA IDOIT. YOU MAK ME MAD AT YOU.

Me/Phulovit/Cowell decides twice is denied:

*EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH*

*Sigh*...are you a bloody moron by birth or choice, Ben? Once again, your pithy, outcome-based educated answer is WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG! Your daddy did raise a bloody tree stump, didn't he?

Thank you for stinking up our email auditions with the compost that marinates between your bloomin' ears, Ben. Feel free to audition again, when you graduate pre-school.

That was all for Ben; but next up was the equal-in-illiterate-brevity Ajumogobia Okeke (ajumogobia_okeke@excite.com), who not only didn't grasp the nature of opportunity afforded him, but didn't seem to understand what it was he was auditioning for:

Stop this trash before you i got angry wih you. i know bad peeple okay.

My oh my....should I be peein' in my diddies just now?

Eh:

Wooooooo, Ajumabozogobiowidget or whatever your bloody name is...wadda youse, a tough guy? Well I hate to bust your bloody "mugsy" bubble, but this is an audition for Scam or No Scam, not the bloody Sopranos! Whoz does youse tink youse is heah, da Gawdfaddah? What, do you tink ah'm f***ing funny heah? Like a bloody clown "haha" funny? Do I f***ing amuse youse, tough guy? Youse gotta badda bing badda boom reputation round da merekat colony?

Fuggetaboudit, Alphabetsouphead. You are a bloody buffoon, a rather uneducated one at that and about as tough as soggy toilet paper, which I doubt you're bloody acquainted with in the land of Charmin Tree Bark. And to bloody top it all off ... *EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH*

WRONG ANSWER! WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG BLOODY WRONG!

Now, go find a five year old in your village to re-read the instructions for you. Or perhaps you can find a Dick-Jane-Spot-Puff pre-reader to help guide you through it, if your bloody ancestors didn't cook and eat them a generation ago. Krikey, how do such dumb-as-doorknob people get email?

I really need to get my judge under control, it would seem. Then again, I get this response from an Abel Morgan, who represented himself to be a "barrister solicitor in Nigeria" (abelmorgan1@myway.com). He didn't grasp the significance of this really splendiferous offer either:

LISTEN I AM BARRISTER OF NIGERIA AND I DEMAND YOU STOP THIS EMAIL ONCE NOW. YOU UNDERSTAD I NO PLAY YOU HERE OKAY. DON CONTAC ME AGAIN

Another *TOING* and it's "here come da judge" time:

Dear Abel-Caine-Dimwit at Law:

You are REALLY a bloody attorney, or bannister as some folks call you in email? Go on, you're kiddin' me here, right? You? A bonafide attorney? Here, a solicitor usually gets arrested for prostitution, unless you're in Vegas, but I'm thinking with my other head here, and you're apparently thinking with yours up your bloody arse.

If you're really a bloody attorney, then why the typos? Why the sentence fragments? Didn't you read the simple, easily-read instructions for the audition questionnaire? Surely you understood the minutiae in the disclaimer! And yes, I did call you bloody Surely, not to be confused with a bloody Mary, which reading these shoddy emails is driving me to need a triple of.

But until then, Abel-Caine-Dimwit Surely, *EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEHHHHHHHHHHHHH*

YOU ANSWERED INCORRECTLY! YOU ARE WRONG! WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG! YOU SHOULD BE CITED WITH CONTEMPT OF EMAIL, AND DISBARRED, YOU LEGAL SISSY-MIRI!

Find yourself a bloomin' paralegal -- make sure you read that carefully, or you'll be mucking about in some jungle, looking for an African Grey parrot to explain this stuff to you -- and re-apply!

Other than those pathetic three, none of the other about 47 potential auditionees have bothered to comment.

Nothing like a little apathy to prevent Scam or No Scam from garnering a Webbie nomination...

Scam or No Deal?

If you're looking for Deal or No Deal, you won't find it hyar. Nor will you find Howie Mandel. Nor his bountiful bevy of number-turning babes.

But you will find something that's a pithy knock-off.

Scam or No Scam.

What, you haven't heard of it? Well, neither have most people. Don't bother checking Entertainment Weekly or TV Guide. Don't bother inquiring to FOX, WB2, or any of the other regular/cable/satellite TV providers.

This one is pure 21st Century: all on the non-AlGore invented Internet. And it's all new.

So while you probably hadn't heard of it before now, at least a few dozen Nigerian 419ers have. And so far, a few have shown a level of interest of a sort for it (if lacking a level of aptitude for audition preparation).

And I was supposed to be the "gullible" public.

Here's what I carefully crafted* and sent out to roughly 50 or so scamster email addresses I've accumulated in the past month:

Ear Sir/Ma'am:

IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAY!

Welcome to auditions online for SCAM OR NO SCAM, hosted by the famous Howdee Manageit!

Our records indicate that you -- or someone who smells like you -- have been pre-selected from a computer scan of Chambers of Commerce records to be auditioned as potential contestants in our new and innovative online game show, where contestants put up their best scams, and compete for money from mugus overseas**!

It's really made easy for all pre-selected contestants to win a chance on Scam or No Scam: all contestants simply complete, in fool, the following questionnaire, wherein their compatibility, knowledge and enthusiasm is gauged by our board of judges. Those selected will win an all-expenses scammed opportunity to appear in an online version of SoNS, to be cybercast with all necessary modalities already arranged for on April 1, 2007!

Think of what your friends and associates will be saying about you, the first of your class to appear on Scam or No Scam!

Therefore, we need to hear from you soonest, so please fill out the application below as time is of the essence***:

Name (please use your real one; we'll let you use an alias on the show):

Address (please use your real one here):

Occupation (what else you do besides email scams):

Why I would make a great contestant on SoNS (in 100 properly spelled words or less):

Explain what modalities are (in 50 properly spelled words or less):

Why being selected to appear on SoNS is your "last best hope in life" (in 50 words or less; spelling here is less important than the heart-rending poignancy you use):

Do you serve as your own barrister, or do you hire one out (if yes or no, please explain):

Who's your Daddy (keep it simple if you know; elaborate inventively if you don't):

Please explain (for the cyberaudience) your most successful scam and how profitable it was (100 reasonably-spelled words or less):

Who is your scam-writing idol (name, where you first heard of him/her, what tips you learned from them, and why (in 121 reasonably-spelled words or less):

What does "100% risk free" mean to you (in 41 reasonably-spelled words or less):

Do you prefer small caps OR LARGE CAPS FOR EMPHASIS:

Do you prefer Western Union, Moneygram, cash, or having your intended victim bring the money to you in person? Why? (in 197 reasonably-spelled words or less):

Have you ever heard of Mariam Abacha, Charles Soludo, or Cheung Pui (if yes, please explain):

Finally...have you ever heard of Rev. U. R. Phulovit and his Universal Church of the Perpetual Horkage (if yes, please explain):

All invited respondents meeting aforementioned requirements will be selected at random by our At-Random Awards Contract Committee (formerly with the NNPC) no later than November 31, 2006. Winners will be notified by email. Decision of the judges is final. Sort of.

* in about 40 minutes of hunt-n-peck typo-ization...

** Disclaimer: Scam or No Scam is not technically, realistically or otherwise affiliated with, in any way or curd, that cheap knock-off of SoNS, Deal or No Deal. SoNS is a pockmark of Old Familiar Brand Innovations Trading Concurrent Holdings (OFBITCH) Ltd, located at #8 Skunkpuckery Platz, Vaduz, Liechtenstein 9490. SoNS OFBITCH is not held liable for any 419 scam heretofore or subsequent to the pilot program of the Perpetual Horkage Fund, which makes no sense we realize, hoping you don't. Further, SoNS OFBITCH is indemnified and held at arms' length in the event of legal proceedings with regards to contestants actions before and after the fiction of any scam aforementioned or subsequent to. Playing this email backward may result in satanic messages like "devil cats, I snort the cucumber, MWHAHA!". This email should not be used while sleeping in a washing machine with a blow-dryer, cleaning a bazooka with a porcupine, sticking a screwdriver into a moving fan blade just because, or anything else Wile E. Coyote tried on the Roadrunner, which proved equally ineffective and stupid, if entertaining for the child in all of us adults. SoNS OFBITCH retains all rights, copyrights, patents pending and howsomucheverelse might accrue as a result hereofwhich. We're not attorneys, and don't give a spastic bowel movement if you are. Neener neener.

*** sincerely and confidentially, of course

Now, you'd expect that shortly after my sending that out, I'd be inundated with applicants, right?

*Crickets chirping*

Well, not exactly: I -- so far -- have received a couple-three responses (not counting all the *mail daemons* for closed/suspended accounts LOL). In Part II, I'll introduce you to a few of the eager (if ignorant) potential auditionees.

Lotto Bullschtick

Anyone who thinks I ain't got a romantic streak after reading this 'un is...uh well...paying attention.

Intermixed with the flurry of Nigerian hooey coming my way, have been several announcements from various and sundry overseas "Lottos" that I have allegedly "won".

Having never entered a single or married overseas lotto, I find this amusing; I can't win the domestic one I do play, but I digress.
Witness the following (I'll not reprint it in its entirety, just enough to give you the gist):

FROM: THE DESK OF THE MANAGEMENT BRITISH LOTTERY LONDON, UK
PRICE AWARD DEPARTMENT
REF No EGS/2251256003/05
BATCH No 14/0017/1PD

WINNING NOTIFICATION CONGRATULATIONS!

We the Board and Management of British Lottery London, UK wishes to inform you the results of the email address ballot lottery international program held on 28 August 2006. Your email account have been picked as a winner of 1 MILLION POUND STERLING!

This results is today released to you and your email address attached in the A Category. All email addresses were selected through a computer ballot system (used in Florida in '00....just kidding..maybe) in which your email address was selected as one of the lucky winners. Your lucky numbers are: 4, 6, 16, 23, 28, 47, 11, 34 BONUS ALL.

Due to mix up of some numbers and names, we ask that you keep your winning numbers confidential until your claims has been processed and your money Remitted to you. This is part of our security protocol to avoid double claiming and unwarranted abuse of this program by some participants (yep; the ones smart enough to smell a rat hyar).

All participants were randomly selected from World Wide Web site through computer draw system and extracted from over 100,000 companies (ie., email addresses mined from guest book entries by 419ers seeking suckers to scam, but what's a little omitted detail between scammers and intended scamees?).

You are required now to contact our representative office in London whose details is given below:

Name: Mrs. Ven Markson
Email: britishlottery_agent1@yahoo.co.uk

As soon as you receive this mail to enable them forward your winnings to you.

Yada, yada, yada.

I decided to avoid both an involved stretching of this scam -- I've already taunted one goof who demanded his cut after I told him I'd already received my check and didn't need his services any longer -- and an abrupt end ("Dear Ma'am: F*** Off and die, with my compliments").

Instead, I opted for the use of an analogy of sorts, for to tell Mrs. Markson of my thoughts on this congratulatory news from across the Pond:

My dear Ven:

I have to say that opening an email like this one, and reading what I read, generates a wealth of emotions here. No pun intended. Well okay, so maybe it was.

Through this wealth of emotions about receiving this notice, I am moved to convey to you a story that probably best sums up how I feel about this stirring notification. Please bear with me, as the story and the conclusion are relevant and on point to both your email and my response.

Buford and Matilda were two young lovers, full of all the things one would associate with two young folks in the full blush of hormones and a summer puppy love. One moon-lit evening, the two of them chose to ignore parental curfew dictates, and took a hand-in-hand stroll on a tree-lined path, along side a shimmering brook of crystalline waters. Eventually they came upon a veranda, overlooking a picturesque pond, fed by those crystalline, moon-lit waters.

There they sat, holding hands, exchanging pleasantries and a little spit, when Matilda turned to Buford, leaned close to his ear, and said in a low and sexy voice, "whisper something soft and mushy in my ear".

Buford, ever the gentleman of dubious antecedence, leaned his face close, placed his lips next to her ear, and whispered with heart-felt emphasis:

"Bullshit, Matilda".

And that about sums up my thoughts on your email, Ven. Please feel free to take this reply and stick it up your ass sideways; the paper cuts where you wipe will do you good. Or at least the thought of you having them there will do me good.

Sincerely,

U. R. Phulovit

Once again -- and I just can't understand it -- it must have been something I said, as I received no reply.

Nor my 1 Million Pounds Sterling.

Oh well; I can't get rid of the 20 pounds I'm trying to lose now, anyway.

Artful Appendage

Let me be clear as mud here: my latest Nigerian email scammer made no intentional reference to art. Even the art of scamming me wasn't inferred by her, so to speak.

Yet her vague reference to any kind of art here was typical of Nigerian email scams: it was an unintended typo in the salutation.

One I was happy to jump all over.

Read on hyar.