Wednesday, September 6, 2006

Scam or No Deal?

If you're looking for Deal or No Deal, you won't find it hyar. Nor will you find Howie Mandel. Nor his bountiful bevy of number-turning babes.

But you will find something that's a pithy knock-off.

Scam or No Scam.

What, you haven't heard of it? Well, neither have most people. Don't bother checking Entertainment Weekly or TV Guide. Don't bother inquiring to FOX, WB2, or any of the other regular/cable/satellite TV providers.

This one is pure 21st Century: all on the non-AlGore invented Internet. And it's all new.

So while you probably hadn't heard of it before now, at least a few dozen Nigerian 419ers have. And so far, a few have shown a level of interest of a sort for it (if lacking a level of aptitude for audition preparation).

And I was supposed to be the "gullible" public.

Here's what I carefully crafted* and sent out to roughly 50 or so scamster email addresses I've accumulated in the past month:

Ear Sir/Ma'am:


Welcome to auditions online for SCAM OR NO SCAM, hosted by the famous Howdee Manageit!

Our records indicate that you -- or someone who smells like you -- have been pre-selected from a computer scan of Chambers of Commerce records to be auditioned as potential contestants in our new and innovative online game show, where contestants put up their best scams, and compete for money from mugus overseas**!

It's really made easy for all pre-selected contestants to win a chance on Scam or No Scam: all contestants simply complete, in fool, the following questionnaire, wherein their compatibility, knowledge and enthusiasm is gauged by our board of judges. Those selected will win an all-expenses scammed opportunity to appear in an online version of SoNS, to be cybercast with all necessary modalities already arranged for on April 1, 2007!

Think of what your friends and associates will be saying about you, the first of your class to appear on Scam or No Scam!

Therefore, we need to hear from you soonest, so please fill out the application below as time is of the essence***:

Name (please use your real one; we'll let you use an alias on the show):

Address (please use your real one here):

Occupation (what else you do besides email scams):

Why I would make a great contestant on SoNS (in 100 properly spelled words or less):

Explain what modalities are (in 50 properly spelled words or less):

Why being selected to appear on SoNS is your "last best hope in life" (in 50 words or less; spelling here is less important than the heart-rending poignancy you use):

Do you serve as your own barrister, or do you hire one out (if yes or no, please explain):

Who's your Daddy (keep it simple if you know; elaborate inventively if you don't):

Please explain (for the cyberaudience) your most successful scam and how profitable it was (100 reasonably-spelled words or less):

Who is your scam-writing idol (name, where you first heard of him/her, what tips you learned from them, and why (in 121 reasonably-spelled words or less):

What does "100% risk free" mean to you (in 41 reasonably-spelled words or less):

Do you prefer small caps OR LARGE CAPS FOR EMPHASIS:

Do you prefer Western Union, Moneygram, cash, or having your intended victim bring the money to you in person? Why? (in 197 reasonably-spelled words or less):

Have you ever heard of Mariam Abacha, Charles Soludo, or Cheung Pui (if yes, please explain):

Finally...have you ever heard of Rev. U. R. Phulovit and his Universal Church of the Perpetual Horkage (if yes, please explain):

All invited respondents meeting aforementioned requirements will be selected at random by our At-Random Awards Contract Committee (formerly with the NNPC) no later than November 31, 2006. Winners will be notified by email. Decision of the judges is final. Sort of.

* in about 40 minutes of hunt-n-peck typo-ization...

** Disclaimer: Scam or No Scam is not technically, realistically or otherwise affiliated with, in any way or curd, that cheap knock-off of SoNS, Deal or No Deal. SoNS is a pockmark of Old Familiar Brand Innovations Trading Concurrent Holdings (OFBITCH) Ltd, located at #8 Skunkpuckery Platz, Vaduz, Liechtenstein 9490. SoNS OFBITCH is not held liable for any 419 scam heretofore or subsequent to the pilot program of the Perpetual Horkage Fund, which makes no sense we realize, hoping you don't. Further, SoNS OFBITCH is indemnified and held at arms' length in the event of legal proceedings with regards to contestants actions before and after the fiction of any scam aforementioned or subsequent to. Playing this email backward may result in satanic messages like "devil cats, I snort the cucumber, MWHAHA!". This email should not be used while sleeping in a washing machine with a blow-dryer, cleaning a bazooka with a porcupine, sticking a screwdriver into a moving fan blade just because, or anything else Wile E. Coyote tried on the Roadrunner, which proved equally ineffective and stupid, if entertaining for the child in all of us adults. SoNS OFBITCH retains all rights, copyrights, patents pending and howsomucheverelse might accrue as a result hereofwhich. We're not attorneys, and don't give a spastic bowel movement if you are. Neener neener.

*** sincerely and confidentially, of course

Now, you'd expect that shortly after my sending that out, I'd be inundated with applicants, right?

*Crickets chirping*

Well, not exactly: I -- so far -- have received a couple-three responses (not counting all the *mail daemons* for closed/suspended accounts LOL). In Part II, I'll introduce you to a few of the eager (if ignorant) potential auditionees.


Blogger Miss Cellania said...

Howie Mandel? BALD? I've been under a rock for quite a while!

I miss St. Elsewhere.

06 September, 2006 07:17  
Blogger Karen said...

"Who's your daddy?" "smells like you?" You are brilliant... I'm looking forward to part II!

06 September, 2006 07:59  
Blogger deni said...

This was so funny!! LOL

I actually know someone who fell for the Nigerian scam, what a dork.

Thanks for visiting and commenting again, I may have to add you to my links if you keep coming by.


06 September, 2006 10:50  
Blogger Monica said...

Hmm, so let's get this straight...I in no way get to meet Howie Mandel if I apply? You're sure?

Ok, how about Peter Strauss?

It never hurts to ask.

06 September, 2006 11:08  
Anonymous cyndy said...

I love the SMELLS LIKE YOU portion of your replies! haaaa
they crack me up those scam or no scammers! How about..."Dear Christian Friend in Jesus"...I've been getting alot of those lately because I am such a honest person.

07 September, 2006 09:58  
Blogger Skunkfeathers said...

I'm waiting for one that plays on the "if you love children, you'll help me" ploy...

07 September, 2006 11:16  
Blogger Herb said...

I am like the cat that ate some cheese and sat at the mousehole with baited breath. I can't wait.

08 September, 2006 05:27  

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