Lotto Bullschtick

Anyone who thinks I ain't got a romantic streak after reading this 'un is...uh well...paying attention.

Intermixed with the flurry of Nigerian hooey coming my way, have been several announcements from various and sundry overseas "Lottos" that I have allegedly "won".

Having never entered a single or married overseas lotto, I find this amusing; I can't win the domestic one I do play, but I digress.
Witness the following (I'll not reprint it in its entirety, just enough to give you the gist):

FROM: THE DESK OF THE MANAGEMENT BRITISH LOTTERY LONDON, UK
PRICE AWARD DEPARTMENT
REF No EGS/2251256003/05
BATCH No 14/0017/1PD

WINNING NOTIFICATION CONGRATULATIONS!

We the Board and Management of British Lottery London, UK wishes to inform you the results of the email address ballot lottery international program held on 28 August 2006. Your email account have been picked as a winner of 1 MILLION POUND STERLING!

This results is today released to you and your email address attached in the A Category. All email addresses were selected through a computer ballot system (used in Florida in '00....just kidding..maybe) in which your email address was selected as one of the lucky winners. Your lucky numbers are: 4, 6, 16, 23, 28, 47, 11, 34 BONUS ALL.

Due to mix up of some numbers and names, we ask that you keep your winning numbers confidential until your claims has been processed and your money Remitted to you. This is part of our security protocol to avoid double claiming and unwarranted abuse of this program by some participants (yep; the ones smart enough to smell a rat hyar).

All participants were randomly selected from World Wide Web site through computer draw system and extracted from over 100,000 companies (ie., email addresses mined from guest book entries by 419ers seeking suckers to scam, but what's a little omitted detail between scammers and intended scamees?).

You are required now to contact our representative office in London whose details is given below:

Name: Mrs. Ven Markson
Email: britishlottery_agent1@yahoo.co.uk

As soon as you receive this mail to enable them forward your winnings to you.

Yada, yada, yada.

I decided to avoid both an involved stretching of this scam -- I've already taunted one goof who demanded his cut after I told him I'd already received my check and didn't need his services any longer -- and an abrupt end ("Dear Ma'am: F*** Off and die, with my compliments").

Instead, I opted for the use of an analogy of sorts, for to tell Mrs. Markson of my thoughts on this congratulatory news from across the Pond:

My dear Ven:

I have to say that opening an email like this one, and reading what I read, generates a wealth of emotions here. No pun intended. Well okay, so maybe it was.

Through this wealth of emotions about receiving this notice, I am moved to convey to you a story that probably best sums up how I feel about this stirring notification. Please bear with me, as the story and the conclusion are relevant and on point to both your email and my response.

Buford and Matilda were two young lovers, full of all the things one would associate with two young folks in the full blush of hormones and a summer puppy love. One moon-lit evening, the two of them chose to ignore parental curfew dictates, and took a hand-in-hand stroll on a tree-lined path, along side a shimmering brook of crystalline waters. Eventually they came upon a veranda, overlooking a picturesque pond, fed by those crystalline, moon-lit waters.

There they sat, holding hands, exchanging pleasantries and a little spit, when Matilda turned to Buford, leaned close to his ear, and said in a low and sexy voice, "whisper something soft and mushy in my ear".

Buford, ever the gentleman of dubious antecedence, leaned his face close, placed his lips next to her ear, and whispered with heart-felt emphasis:

"Bullshit, Matilda".

And that about sums up my thoughts on your email, Ven. Please feel free to take this reply and stick it up your ass sideways; the paper cuts where you wipe will do you good. Or at least the thought of you having them there will do me good.

Sincerely,

U. R. Phulovit

Once again -- and I just can't understand it -- it must have been something I said, as I received no reply.

Nor my 1 Million Pounds Sterling.

Oh well; I can't get rid of the 20 pounds I'm trying to lose now, anyway.