Scam or No Deal -- II

Now that I had this fauxgreat idea for an online game show, a format, auditions and even potential contestants all set up, I found myself lacking one critical element: a judge.

Granted, I could be a judge. But y'all read my blog and see my judgement (and horrendous lack thereof) paraded by pretty regularly.

'Nuff said.

So in casting about for a proper 'role model' for a judge of the veritable avalanche of responses I got from auditionees (not), I needed to pick someone well-renowned/reviled as a judge of something pop culturesque.

And I found one: American Idol's Simon Cowell, a consummate pri ... judge of wide repute.

Thus, I employ a substitute Simon Cowell (aka, yours truly aka U. R. Phulovit), and proceed to deal with some of the respondents to the Scam or No Scam audition questionnaire.

First up: Ben Okoye (ben_okoye2006@yahoo.fr), who writes in response:

THANKS YOU FOR YOUR GIVEING INFORMATION OKAY I WHICH YOU ENTER ME THE SAMETHING.

*TOING*

Anyone who's watched Mr. Cowell in action can well imagine the reply that went back to Ben:

*EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH*

That...was bloody awful. No, wait...a bowel movement coming out sideways is bloody awful. YOU were bloody WORSE, if such a thing is possible and I didn't think so until I read your beyond-pathetic reply.

WHAT PART OF THE SIMPLE-FOR-A-FIVE-YEAR-OLD INSTRUCTIONS DIDN'T YOU UNDERSTAND, BEN? DID YOUR BLOODY DADDY RAISE A SON OR A TERMITE-RAVAGED TREE STUMP? DID YOU VOTE IN FLORIDA IN 2000? DO WE NEED TO SEND A SECOND GRADER FROM GEORGIA TO HELP YOU READ THE BLOODY INSTRUCTIONS?

KRIKEY!

Trust me on this, Ben: the phrase "ignorance is bliss" doesn't mean that you should be HAPPILY STUPID! Now bloody go back, re-read the bloody instructions, and send in a properly filled-out audition questionnaire, before you make that bloody William Hung look like Tony Bennett!

Ben was only a day in responding; still not correctly, but definitely not a Cowellesque fan, either:

SEE, YOU STOP GIVEING MY FATHER INSULT, YOU BAGA IDOIT. YOU MAK ME MAD AT YOU.

Me/Phulovit/Cowell decides twice is denied:

*EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH*

*Sigh*...are you a bloody moron by birth or choice, Ben? Once again, your pithy, outcome-based educated answer is WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG! Your daddy did raise a bloody tree stump, didn't he?

Thank you for stinking up our email auditions with the compost that marinates between your bloomin' ears, Ben. Feel free to audition again, when you graduate pre-school.

That was all for Ben; but next up was the equal-in-illiterate-brevity Ajumogobia Okeke (ajumogobia_okeke@excite.com), who not only didn't grasp the nature of opportunity afforded him, but didn't seem to understand what it was he was auditioning for:

Stop this trash before you i got angry wih you. i know bad peeple okay.

My oh my....should I be peein' in my diddies just now?

Eh:

Wooooooo, Ajumabozogobiowidget or whatever your bloody name is...wadda youse, a tough guy? Well I hate to bust your bloody "mugsy" bubble, but this is an audition for Scam or No Scam, not the bloody Sopranos! Whoz does youse tink youse is heah, da Gawdfaddah? What, do you tink ah'm f***ing funny heah? Like a bloody clown "haha" funny? Do I f***ing amuse youse, tough guy? Youse gotta badda bing badda boom reputation round da merekat colony?

Fuggetaboudit, Alphabetsouphead. You are a bloody buffoon, a rather uneducated one at that and about as tough as soggy toilet paper, which I doubt you're bloody acquainted with in the land of Charmin Tree Bark. And to bloody top it all off ... *EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH*

WRONG ANSWER! WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG BLOODY WRONG!

Now, go find a five year old in your village to re-read the instructions for you. Or perhaps you can find a Dick-Jane-Spot-Puff pre-reader to help guide you through it, if your bloody ancestors didn't cook and eat them a generation ago. Krikey, how do such dumb-as-doorknob people get email?

I really need to get my judge under control, it would seem. Then again, I get this response from an Abel Morgan, who represented himself to be a "barrister solicitor in Nigeria" (abelmorgan1@myway.com). He didn't grasp the significance of this really splendiferous offer either:

LISTEN I AM BARRISTER OF NIGERIA AND I DEMAND YOU STOP THIS EMAIL ONCE NOW. YOU UNDERSTAD I NO PLAY YOU HERE OKAY. DON CONTAC ME AGAIN

Another *TOING* and it's "here come da judge" time:

Dear Abel-Caine-Dimwit at Law:

You are REALLY a bloody attorney, or bannister as some folks call you in email? Go on, you're kiddin' me here, right? You? A bonafide attorney? Here, a solicitor usually gets arrested for prostitution, unless you're in Vegas, but I'm thinking with my other head here, and you're apparently thinking with yours up your bloody arse.

If you're really a bloody attorney, then why the typos? Why the sentence fragments? Didn't you read the simple, easily-read instructions for the audition questionnaire? Surely you understood the minutiae in the disclaimer! And yes, I did call you bloody Surely, not to be confused with a bloody Mary, which reading these shoddy emails is driving me to need a triple of.

But until then, Abel-Caine-Dimwit Surely, *EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEHHHHHHHHHHHHH*

YOU ANSWERED INCORRECTLY! YOU ARE WRONG! WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG! YOU SHOULD BE CITED WITH CONTEMPT OF EMAIL, AND DISBARRED, YOU LEGAL SISSY-MIRI!

Find yourself a bloomin' paralegal -- make sure you read that carefully, or you'll be mucking about in some jungle, looking for an African Grey parrot to explain this stuff to you -- and re-apply!

Other than those pathetic three, none of the other about 47 potential auditionees have bothered to comment.

Nothing like a little apathy to prevent Scam or No Scam from garnering a Webbie nomination...