Saturday, September 23, 2006

Go Widda Flow II


I have proof positive that The Three Stooges aren't dead. They just replaced eye pokes and jackslaps with email scams.

As I noted in the previous installment, there were two emails that arrived together, and tweaked my writing bug to new lows. The first one was merely fauxintellectual, trying to baffle me with bullshick (a foolish notion, what with my own high level of bullshick); the second one was a true 'first' in my six years of 419 emails: an email from the NIGERIAN INVESTIGATION DEPARTMENT'S ANTI-FRAUD UNIT. Yep, you read that right. They were writing to warn me about the "hoodlums". Witness the letter in its entirety:

NIGERIAN INVESTIGATION DEPARTMENT
ANTI-FRAUD UNIT
4TH FLOOR MARY LAND
LAGOS NIGERIA
MOTTO: SECURITY WATCH

FROM THE DESK OF: MR EVANS OFUEGBU
DEPUTY: DR. DONALD SMITH

RE: BE CAREFUL OF HOODLUMS (no sheee-it...)

Sir/Madam,

Based on the finding in this investigastion department we wish to warn you against some touts (don't ask me what he means by 'touts').

We have been informed that some touts are contating you in respect to the collection of your fund in the total sum of $35 Million USA Dollars that was long approved in your favour through the Global Exchange Bank of Nigeria. as a matter of fact we have been on this nvestigation assignments for some time codely known to no one but the Presidency and some top government offical who are in support of this investigation team to help stop fraudalent activities in this country.

Although we have been able to come up with some good result about the people that have extorted money from you illegally and i wish to list them so that you will personally indicate them by writting back because we want to make your payment to you without any delay but we must shurely deal and bring this ames to book if only you will indicate correctly any of them.

The names of the Touts that have been arrested are as follows

1) PROF CHARLES SOLUDO
2) CHIEF JOSEPH SANUSI
3) DR. R. RASHEED
4) BARRISTER AWELE
(the idiots didn't list a #5...)
6) BARRISTER UCHEUZO WILLIAMS
7) Mr. Ernest Chukwudi Ebi Deputy governor - Policy/Board Member
8) Mr. Tunde Lemo Deputy Governor - Financial Sector Surveillance/Board Member
9) Mrs. W. D. A. Msheila Deputy Governor - Corporate Services/Board Member

The above listed names are been traced/investigated by the police and some of them have elope the country and note that if any of them is caught and find guilty he/she will go to jailed for 25 years as it is under the Degree 47 of the constituition of this bank under section of criminal law.

So we are waiting for you to write us and inform us if any of the above names have once contacted you in respect to the your fund if yes don't waste time to indicate it immediately. Note that the only office/paying bank that have right to pay or contact you in this Transfer is the GLOBAL EXCHANGE BANK OF NIGERIA which is been headed by the bank Governor. You must deal directly with them and do what so ever you asked to do because that is the only way you will achive the success of the transaction.

We applogise on behalf of the President and the People of Nigeria for any dealy and lost this most have course you and promise that such thing will not happen again (*TOING*). And if you are dealing wih any one of them regarding this payment we urge you to stop because you are taking a big risk and you never find your money any where because your money is with the above named bank.

Finally we are expecting to hear from you today so thanks for your good understanding while we wait for your urgent response to this mail. PLEASE CONTACT ME ON MY PRIVET MAIL BOX: fundsinvestigationdepartment21@yahoo.com.ar

Yours truely,

MR. EVANS OFUEGBU (Chairman Investigation Department)
DR. DONALD SMITH (Deputy Chairman Investigation department)

I say it again: let no one ever tell you that The Three Stooges are dead.

A quick cutting retort reply was called for here; but then I remembered it was me, and I yam what I yam, whatever that is. So I went for a reply that would probably start a dialogue:

Dear Esteemed Sirs:

I trust that you're kidding me, right? Prof. Charles Soludo is a hoodlum? You must be mistaken. I have been in contact with this individual, after he unexpectedly contacted me with information of the most incredible kind, and I have found him to be a fine and upstanding example of online execrement and the propagation thereof.

But since you two have titles that suggest governmental level positions, and since we all know that government is the antidope to any workable solution, I do wish you to inform me further just what this alleged hoodlum and some of the others you mentioned and I recognized are up to, and how I am vulnerable to their alleged odious machinations.

I therefore am and remain at your service,

U. R. Phulovit
Victim Emeritus-in-Training

Next up in Part III -- On Again, Off Again...?

3 Comments:

Blogger Monica said...

Whenever I get one of those scams now I wonder if it's worthy of passing on to you...your "dealings" with the scamsters makes me laugh.

Take care of you.

23 September, 2006 13:34  
Blogger Miss Cellania said...

Now that's a novel idea. Re-scam the victims with a "supply the evidence" scam. Talk about a targeted demographic!

Hood thunket.

23 September, 2006 21:06  
Anonymous cyndy said...

If you don't give a warning before I read this shit when I'm drinking coffee, I'm going to charge you with a bottle of windex!
Have you contacted the Comedy Central channel? You need your own special

24 September, 2006 08:07  

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