Go Widda Flow III

(Note: if imbibing a beverage of choice, put down the can/glass/mug, and back away slowly, before commencing to read this hyar)

I am so honored to be under the "protection" of the Nigerian Investigative Department's Anti-Fraud Unit, headed by my new "good friend and protector", Evans Ofuggu (or so I've called him, and he's not disputed). After my reply to him, here's the response I got back:

Mr. Evans Ofuegbu
Tel: +234-1-8909562
Attn U. R. Phulovit
RE: BE CAREFUL OF HOODLUMS

This office have receive your email and the contents noted. We are glad to hear that such persons/Hoodlums have contacted you regarding such matters (they're glad?). However, you are advised to inform this office details of such emails for proper verifications inorder not to lose your fund.Note that the only approved paying bank is the First Chartered Bank Plc (in the last email, it was the Global Exchange Bank of Nigeria; oh well...). Be informed that your payment file will be sent to the paying bank once you have sent your details to this office. Consequently, the transaction code (SECURITY WATCH) this code word will guide you to know the bad eggs from the good one (I could use that help in my kitchen, but I digress) and any email/phone call you recieved in this transaction without this code word must be disregard.

The hoodlums in question sends dubious email and inturn embezzles clients funds. We were set up by the federal government to bring this culpits to book and to monitor/direct and give proper guidlines for clients funds claim. We are assuring you that you are not in danger but you are to take proper precaution and follow our advise for your claim.

Please to send us soonest (!!!) the personal information we requested since these are the requirements for further advice before linking you up to the paying bank. It is very vital you know that the funds are in your name as this is very reason why we contacted you for your claim.

We are expecting to hear from you today, while thanking you for your good understanding while we await your urgent response. On this note you are to stop any further communcation henceforth (with the other hoodlums, I gather, so I can take my orders from these ones) and follow our directives.

Sincerely, Mr. Evans Ofuegbu

So much for the Nigerian Feds "having my back". Despite the realization *snort*, I swallow my disappointment and let him think I am unshakably hooked, lined and sinkered here:

Mr. Evans Ofuggu:

Having carefully now scrutinized the totality of the instructions in your missive, I am satisfied that you are, indeed, giving me the business as is to be expected from a person of your reputed position and status. Since you have undertaken to warn me about the activities of these said hoodlums, and you are eminently positioned to judge peers from your vantage point, it is well that I allow you to proceed.

Thus I am complying with your request for information, having satisfied myself with your veracity:

Name: U. R. Phulovit
Address: 69 Schiessenploppen Platz, Vaduz, Liechtenstein 9490
Age Aggregate: 61 years aggregated so far
Phone and fax: 423 237 19 78 (my fax number; I am hearing impaired, so I have no regular phone number)
Occupation/position: research analyst for a company specializing in crustacean obedience training for TV, radio, commercial and industrial applications

To further demonstrate my faith in your veracity, I am also including a photocopy of my passport, which I feel comfortable in providing you in your official capacity.

I would ask of you that if you do, indeed, have Prof. Charles Soludo in custody, that you tell him for me that I am most disappointed in him trying to take advantage of my innocent nature, and I wish you to kindly pull his lower lip over the top of his head, and make him swallow. Personally, I hate violence except when it happens to others.

I shall await your further and detailed instructions, safe in the knowledge that I'm working with a level of professional that I know I can trust to give me the business as persons like yourself are pledged and dedicated to do. And I shall not accept any instructions that are not accompanied by the clever transaction code SECURITY WATCH.

U. R. Phulovit

In the meantime, I get a quick email scam from some pithy yahoo named Benson Ubaka; so to further along "the game", I send "Bensonmum" a quick reply, which I BCC to Evans:

Bensonmum: Oh no you don't! I know you're just trying to scam me. I know this because I have Mr. Evans Ofuggu of the Nigerian Investigative Department's Anti-Fraud Unit in my corner, and he's warned me all about hoodlums like you. You're not gonna play this on me, uh-uh, no siree Bob!

And shortly thereafter, I get this from Evans:

Attention U. R. Phulovit,

Thank God this happing for you to know exectly what we are talking about. You are warned not to have daelings with this any longer, ok, just try and send your details soonest.

Evens Ofuegbu (even he can't keep his name straight, so I certainly can be forgiven for not doing so)

When it came to the phone thing, he asked me again to send it to him; I reminded him that I was hearing impaired, and gave him the explanation that in my youth, I was a mercenary in SE Asia, fighting with the Fung Shui Raiders against the Khmer Baton Rouge, when I was too near a an incoming 150mm shell that wrecked my hearing and most of everything else in a 30 yard diameter.

After sending him the above, the 'lines of communication' went strangely silent; all I got back for the balance of that day and the next was a cybercarbon copy of the previous email requesting my personal info, nothing new or more.

And that's where it stands.

So Part IV -- What Scammers Want -- is pending.