Friday, September 29, 2006

Go Widda Flow V

I've heard of "divide and conquer", but this may be the first time I've experienced "divide and confuse". And I didn't even have to do it in this case: it seems to be exactly what's happening with my latest "benefactor", Evans Ofuggu, and his disorganization.

First off, you'll remember in Part IV, I referred to an email sent me by Ofuggu, wherein another email address was copied to receive the same email (, and that the heading on the email was not directed specifically at me (aka, Phulovit) as all of Ofuggu's previous emails had been, or as his follow up "Apology Accepted" email was.

But about an hour after receiving and responding the "apology" email, I got another one from the Nigerian Investigative Department, Anti-Fraud Unit ( with the subject heading of "Be Carefull Brother". For a bad cyber knockoff of a worse TV show, get a load of "Who's Email Line Is It, Anyway?":

DEPUTY: Dr. Donald Smith

Attn: Martin Kamenov (??!!?)

How are you today? Who is mr Evans Ofuggu? Please be very carefull of those you are communicting with ok. have you been contacted today by the Coresponce bank in Panama (the WHO? The WHAT? The WHERE?) ? if not get back to them immediately, because you should be recieving your fund today.get Back to me immediately. Remain bless of the Lord (awww....he bless me; Evans never dun that).

Yours sincerely,
Mr Martins Okoh
DEPUTY: DR Donald Smith

Apparently, these yahoos are running more than one scam on more than one assumed 'victim' here, and are getting their intended victims confused a tad. Make that a wad. A big, honkin' wad.
So I opt to stand up for my original scammer in the face of his replacement:

Mr. Martian Okoh? And just who in the "your barn door's open" are YOU supposed to be? I was originally contacted by Mr. Evans Ofuggu, the head of the department you claim now to run, with this Dr. Donald Smith as HIS Deputy, not yours. And while we're at it, just who in the exploding outhouse is this Martian Kamenov? Some illegal alien from Uranus?

And what BANK in PANAMA? Mr. Ofuggu was making arrangements for me to get the business from the AFRICAN DEVELOPMENT BANK, not some mosquito-bitten, banana-and-booger-picking third-rate bank in Central America!

So we are at a complete, absolute, not-one-step-forward HALT, until you explain to me WHO IN THE CESSPOOL AROMA YOU ARE, AND WHAT YOU'VE DONE WITH MY BENEFACTOR AND PROTECTOR, EVANS OFUGGU! Unless you authenticate yourself pronto, you'll not be giving ME the business here! I want to speak with Evans Ofuggu, NOW!

U. R. Phulovit

It took them a full day to sort out their confusion before responding. The response suggests it didn't help:

Phulovit Kamenov (Geeawd, are they forked up on who they're scamming, or what?):

I believe you confused this email somehow. I am Mr. Martians (there, he did it AGAIN...took my misspelling and USED IT!) Okoh, director of the Nigerian Investgation Depatment. There is no Evan Ofuggu here. And we have no contactal agreement with AFRICAN DEVELOPMENT BANK. We use only CORESPONDENCE BANK OF PANAMA, and our trusted contact there Mr. Mathias Mordi (the same goatpoker from Ofuggu's other bank!). I subject you are being abused in this by very bad touts with intention to fraud you (no sheeee-it, Martian). You must at once stop all parley with persons affecting hoodlums once, or you will be taken advantage with.

You are not to communicate with anyone else now but this office and take direction from here immediately for your payment of fund.

Reply soonest (!!!) so that you are clear about this.


Mr. Martian Okoh

Simple stupid bastard can't keep himself or his victims straight. Since he/they seem to be fairly discombobulated, I decided to up the bobble and use against him/them something from their own initial email (in Part II):

My Unfavorite Martian:

You think you're so smart, don't you? Telling me that YOU are the boss at the Nigerian Investgative Depatment, and that Evans Ofuggu is probably a tout and a hoodlum. Well, I know how to determine that and pronto: WHAT IS THE SECURITY MOTTO? HUH? THE SECURITY CODE PHRASE THAT ASSURES ME THAT I AM DEALING WITH AN AUTHENTIC MEMBER OF THE NIGERIAN INVESTGATIVE DEPATMENT? C'mon...give it up. Spell it out. Right here in your reply, bud. No security motto, no tickee no washee, no bank of Panamaee. If you won't produce Evans Ofuggu, you best produce the authentication code!

I'm waiting.

Phulovit Kamenov Upendski

After two full days with no reply, I was prepared to accept that my unfavorite Martian & Co. had called it quits.

I was wrong.

Next up: Part VI and You Can't Trust Anynobody


Blogger header5 said...

I actually got one yesterday from a Russian bank. Oh, the fun of it all! Looking forward to hearing the next chapter.

29 September, 2006 09:25  
Blogger Miss Cellania said...

I saw this and thought of you:

29 September, 2006 15:23  
Anonymous cyndy - milehighdiva said...

This is just an intriguing saga of the cerebral kind...and I am learning more and more with each entry. How response for 2 days? They probably had to go find a new scammers dictionary in order to reply!

29 September, 2006 17:54  

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