Scam or No Deal -- III

Ol' Simon hisself couldn't have picked a better photo to accompany Part III.

One thing about 419ers: they're persistent. If at first they don't get a reply, try try again. Take Cheung Pui: I've received a dozen or more email solicitations from him or his clone now in three years, all running the very same scam. In three or four cases, I've replied in what I would consider a most inappropriate, crass, uncouth manner (yeah, I know what you're thinking...not moi, those of you who really don't know me think). That ends it. Until the next mailing.

He apparently thinks if he keeps sending me the same scam at a couple-three month intervals, I'll quit calling him names and fall for his scam.

He don' know me vewy well, do he?

The scammers must think that persistence pays. If so, then might it not pay for Scam or No Scam? With that in mind, I kept re-sending the initial audition questionnaire (see Part I) about every other day, to the same group of email addresses (adding new ones and subtracting those that "mailer Matt Daemon"ed on me).

It worked: it flushed out a couple more I'll refer to as the densely determined and the aggrieved. FauxSimon was bemused.

First up, we have Mr. Franz Gander (franz_gander51@yahoo.co.in), reputed to be a Senegalese with a tale to tell and money to share; specifically, that of a Mr. Frank Roborto, one of those American engineers who can't seem to stay alive in Nigeria OR Senegal, but leave a fine cache of coinage ($15 Million US) behind them. To him, instead of a subject-specific reply, I sent him the audition email application for Scam or No Scam. A couple days later, this is the reply he sent back:

Subj: I Do Understood

Dear Phulovit:

I am writing sequel to your reply. Firstly, I am very happy for your kind of urgent respondence to my offer to you. I also do understood the content of your mail to me this morning but I will be very grateful if you can reason with me in this situation. I not contacting you because you are poor or that I want to make you to become "rich", no.

The reason why I contacted you is because I want you to help me out. I saw you as an honest someone who can be trustful confidently relied on of which I don't know how to get another personal like you in this regard. Please to reason with this my key point and I will greatly appreciate it.

FauxSimon near to "popped a vein" composing his reply:

Dear Franz AFLAC:

You know, I am flattered...BLOODY flattered...that you saw me as "an honest someone who can be trustful confidently relied on" and so forth. And I am flattered that you think I have the bloody stuff it takes to stand in for the late Mr. Domo arigato Mr. Roboto, in your efforts to give someone the business.

So you, unlike so many of your bloody peers, have at least a miniscule grasp of what Scam or No Scam is all about. In a very roundabout way.

Howsoever, Mr. Franz AFLAC, there's still this little bloody thing about protocol, eligibility, and following the ruddy instructions, mate. And while we here at SoNS are interested in your various and sundry ploys, WE BLOODY WELL AREN'T UNTIL YOU FILL OUT THE BLOODY AUDITION QUESTIONNAIRE, YOU BLEEDIN' HAMMERBONE!

Until you carry out this simple little first baby Huey step, I'm afraid I bloody can't stand in as Domo arigato Mr. Roboto, or any other bleedin' freak from a 20 year old song.

Do try to do a little better job of understanding THESE CONTENTS WELL, old bean, and send in the filled-out audition questionnaire, before mythical global warming floods the ruddy studios here, which is in 30 years according to some flatulence-laden politicians.

While waiting to see if Franz Gander/AFLAC gets back to us, we get a somewhat aggrieved reply from Mr. Sunny Kingz (claimsofficer344@yahoo.co.uk), who is supposed to be the contact man for any dupe silly enough to really believe they 'won' a million pounds sterling in the UK Online Lotto. With each 'mass' mailing of the audition application -- about 7 up to now -- his address has been among the recipients each time.

That seems to be the gist of his spurred-to-respond aggrievement:

HOW LONG WILL YOU CONTINUE TO SELECT ME WITHOUT MY RESPONDENCE???? PLEZE LET ME BE

Enter, cyberstage right, fauxSimon:

How long? HOW LONG WHAT? How long is a question she asks him in the dark! And if he's bloody smart, he answers it "long enough, sweet cheeks". Are you NOT that bloody smart, Sunny? How bloody long does it take you to bloody well respond to the first ruddy email? You know, we don't have to be doin' this: giving you a bloody chance at cyberstardom, you common cold virus on a toilet seat. But we received something FROM YOU, that showed you had what it bloody takes to make it on SoNS. And all you have to ruddy do is fill out the bleedin' audition application, before going back to collecting your bogus lotto fees from folks dumber than you're bloody coming across here.

How do you expect to give folks the business, when all you do is send a late, inadequeate, and snivelling reply to us, Sunny? When SHE asked you HOW LONG, did you come acropper with vaporlocking your ruddy gonads, or did you step up to the measuring stick?

Sunny, I have the patience of a porcupine being used as a toilet swab, so avoid my REALLY GETTING BLOODY SHORT WITH YOU -- something she may already have deduced in your ruddy case -- and get with filling out and returning the audition questionnaire. That's a good lad.

I've decided to retire fauxSimon before he causes U. R. Phulovit -- who's using me as a channeling source -- to "pop a vein". If there are any further replies to the Scam or No Scam audition email (enough to justify a Part IV), I'll be seeking a new 'judge' to respond.

*EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH*