A Scam Gets Shatnered

Mr. David Wilson, online scammer, never reckoned on a run-in with William Shatner.

Not that he had one, but my pet rock, Seymour, thought it amusing to edit it as such.

Mr. Wilson was trying one of those tired "abandoned shipment at an airport" templates that ran like this:


I am Mr.David Wilson , Head Officer-in-Charge, Administrative Service
Inspection Unit United Nations Inspection Agency in Harts field-
jackson International Airport Atlanta, Georgia. During our
investigation, I discovered an abandoned shipment through a Diplomat
from United Kingdom which was transferred from JF Kennedy Airport to
our facility here in Atlanta, and when scanned it revealed an
undisclosed sum of money in 2 Metal Trunk Boxes weighing approximately
110kg each.

The consignment was abandoned because the Content was not properly
declared by the consignee as money rather it was declared as personal
effect/classified document to either avoid diversion by the Shipping
Agent or confiscation by the relevant authorities. The diplomat's
inability to pay for Non Inspection fees among other things are the
reason why the consignment is delayed and abandoned.

By my assessment, each of the boxes contains about $15M or more. They
are still left in the airport storage facility till today. The
Consignments like I said are two metal trunk boxes weighing about 65kg
each (Internal dimension: W61 x H156 x D73 (cm) effective capacity:680
L) Approximately. The details of the consignment including your name
and email on the official document from United Nations' office in
London where the shipment was tagged as personal effects/classified
document is still available with us. As it stands now, you have to
reconfirm your full details,

(1) Full Name:
(2) Phone Number:
(3) full address:
(4) Occupation:
(5) Sex:

so I can cross-check and see if it corresponds with the one on the
official documents.It is now left to you to decide if you still need
the consignment or allow us repatriate it back to UK (place of origin)
as we were instructed.(REPLY TO THIS
EMAIL:(mrdavidwilson959@gmail.com)

As I did say again, the shipper abandoned it and ran away most
importantly because he gave a false declaration, he could not pay for
the yellow tag, he could not secure a valid non inspection
document(s), etc. I am ready to assist you in any way I can for you to
get back this packages provided you will also give me something out of
it (financial gratification). You can either come in person, or you
engage the services of a secure shipping/delivery Company/agent that
will provide the necessary security that is required to deliver the
package to your doorstep or the destination of your choice. I need all
the guarantee that I can get from you before I can get involved in
this project.

Please Reply this email strictly at (mrdavidwilson959@gmail.com)

Best Regards,

Mr David Wilson
Head Officer-in-Charge
Administrative Service Inspection Unit
E-mail: mrdavidwilson959@gmail.com
CELL: (301)307-1242  


Believability...*BUZZZZZZZZZZZZZZER*.  Scores 10 out of 10 on an 'ain't got it' scale.


But Seymour, donning his "editing pet rock gone wild" hat, had just the answer:


From: Mr.David Wilson <waynedonald55556@gmail.com>
Sent: Friday, July 5, 2019 7:08 PM
Subject: FROM UNITED NATION INFECTION AGENCY

 

I am Mr.David Wilson
FROM UNITED NATION INFECTION AGENCY
PHARTSRILED-JACKSON INTERNATIONAL AIRPHART.
ATLANTA, GEORGIA.
Tell: (301)307-1242

I am Mr.David Wilson, the schlep charged with running a SNAFU

called UNITED NATION INFECTION AGENCY out of the

PHARTSRILED-JACKSON INTERNATIONAL AIRPHART in

Atlanta, Georgia. During an investigation of Druid chantings

from the cargo hold of a 747, I discovered an abandoned William Shatner

script of a defrocked priest seeking absolution, but settling for glass after

glass of Absolut vodka.

It was all very 'B' movie.

It was abandoned because the Content was not properly vetted by

Faceplant's politically correct Gestapo, and it contained words that

were extremely distressing to that Cortez broad from NY, because

they didn't include pictures of empty fenced parking lots and glowing

testaments to her Green Crap Deal.  That among other things are the
reason why the consignment is delayed and abandoned.

As things stand now, we are at an impasse.  This differs from an

overpass in a few noteworthy ways, but without pictures the Cortez

broad wouldn't get it and the Druids just start chanting louder from

the baggage compartment, mucking up everything.  But this does

need to get cleared up or William Shatner won't get to start doing

travel agency ads and annual Star Trek convention crap, handing out

$5 Canadian Spocked bills. 

He's lucky the gremlin on the wing of his plane and the sock puppet

that attacked him on Venus aren't part of this deal.  We're lucky it

doesn't include him singing "Lucy's Getting High On Door Knobs".

Even William Hung winced at the latter.

So as it stands now, you have to reconfirm your full details,

(1) Full Name:
(2) Phone Number:
(3) full address:
(4) Occupation:
(5) Sex:

(5a) With What:

This I must cross-check on the ice and avoid a 4-on-5 penalty period

to see if it corresponds with the one on the Druid chanting script.
(REPLY TO THIS EMAIL: mrdavidwilson959@gmail.com

As I did say two times, the shipper abandoned it and ran away most
importantly because he met the bug-eyed Cortez broad and she

totally creeped him out, almost as much as the life-sized Hellary

inflatable sex toy he caught Shep Smith banging in a closet at

Faux (he thought he was at cnn using a gender neutral rest room).

I am so not ready to assist you in any way I can for you to
get this abandoned whatever-it-is in the cargo hold of the 747

out of here.  When Druids fart, it comes out as high velocity dry

ice, and when it thaws, WHEW DAWGIES, it's the stank of the

daid. 

You can either come in person, or you can breathe hard over the

phone.  Your choice.

I need all the guarantee that I can get from you before I can get

involved in this project, even though I'm the schlep that cooked

this up.

Please Reply this email strictly at (mrdavidwilson959@gmail.com)

Limited at Best Regards,

Mr David Wilson
UNITED NATION INFECTION AGENCY
E-mail: mrdavidwilson959@gmail.com
CELL: (301)307-1242  

 

 

Mr. Wilson must have read at least a part of this...for there was no reply.

That, or the Druids got him.

 

 

Kim Jong Un Channels William Shatner?

Misguided missiles, North Korea, South Park, Kim Jong Un and William Shatner.

This edit by my "Edits Gone Wild" pet rock Seymour has it all.

It started out as a report from sources that revealed North Korea had an apparent failed missile test recently.

Exotic executions to follow, no doubt.

At any rate, what with Seymour and Kim Jong Un being so buddy-buddy, the pet rock couldn't pass up an opportunity to further edit the Great Large One:

North Korean missile launch goes Phfffffft

Seymour PetRock – WTFNS

SEOUL, South Korea (WTFNS) — A North Korean launch of a missile on the birthday of its revered founder was an epic *FAIL* causing more North Korean scientists to ponder their exotic execution possibilities, officials said Friday.

KGAG – official voice of the North – reported that the failed launch was of a powerful new mid-range missile that could one day be capable of reaching the suburbs of Wonsan...if launched near there. Unnamed sources however, provided few details of what is an embarrassing failure for Pyongyang and a set back for Kim Jong Un's campaign to get him in a Team America World Police sequel.

The abject *FAIL* comes as the two Koreas trade threats amid Pyongyang's anger over just about anything in South Korea, because it's done better in the south. The North has recently fired a slew of missiles and artillery shells into the sea in an apparent protest that only fish take note of.

The surge in belligerent rhetoric from the North may also be linked to leader Kim Jong Un's preparations for a major public relations offensive meant to convince South Park originators Trey Parker and Matt Stone to make that Team America World Police sequel – starring, of course, Kim Jong Un – before Kim's weight surges past 500 pounds.

A senior U.S. defense official, speaking on condition of anonymity because the official wasn't authorized to speak publicly about leaked secrets from Hellary's primate email server while she was increasing the size of her butt thongs from 4 XXL to 5 XXXL, said the U.S. Strategic Command systems detected and yawned as a North Korean test launch of one of their new OneHangDangFukLuk medium range missiles failed, after it traveled from the west side of Wonsan to the east side, blowing up hundreds of yards of kimshi factory outlet shops.

"We strongly laugh our asses off at the continued ineptness on display with North Korea's missile test in violation of UN Security Council Resolutions, even while those resolutions and fifty cents don't mean squat outside of the UN building," the official said.

The North American Aerospace Defense Command said the missile launched from North Korea did not pose a threat to waters 100 yards off Wonsan.

The South's Defense Ministry said it was immediately known that the missile fired from an eastern coastal area Friday morning was an underachieving exceptionally short-range missile. It also was known that the missile landed on the east side of Wonsan, blowing up all those kimshi factory outlet shops.

The North's launch came amid speculation in the South that its rival was preparing to test a medium-range missile they were hoping would have a range of 3,500 kilometers (2,180 miles) — enough to reach U.S. military installments in Guam, where it is believed that North Koreans are eager to help recover the intellectual reputation of US Congressman from Georgia Hank Johnson, after his “Guam capsizing” idiocy that's all over YouBoob. Foreign experts have settled on a nickname for the missile – YuFukUpKim – named after Kim Jong Un.

Friday is the birthday anniversary of the late Kim Il Sung, the current leader's grandfather and the nation's founder. North Korea had planned a huge kimshi fest in Wonsan for the anniversary. Rumors abound that now after all those shops were blown up by the test missile, Kim Jong Un will have to suck up to China for some McDonald's take out deliveries for the anniversary celebration.

In the North Korean capital, Pyongyang, starving citizens in formal clothing lined up to bow deeply before huge statues of Kim Il Sung and Kim Jong Il, his son and the father of Kim Jong Un, and laid all of their McDonald's discount coupons at the statues' feet.

North Korea has unnerved the international community this year with an escalating campaign of demands that the South Park duo make a Team America World Police sequel. Further unnerving the international community is a threat from Pyongyang to publish a music album of Kim Jong Un Sings The Best of William Shatner, which Kim Jong Un is sure will dominate the next Grammy Awards.

There is debate among analysts about the exact state of the next Grammy Awards if this alleged album is released. If it contributes to Kanye 'Whiny' West moving out of the US, most analysts are willing to suffer a night of hearing Kim Jong Un do Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds ala William Shatner. The rest of us just remember the brown note episode from South Park.
    

Seymour is sure that if nothing else, the dancing cat will get him a Pulitzer nod.

I don't think it'll even rate an invite to DWTS.

"Oh phffffffffffffffffffft!"

Wunst Upon A Scam...

I don't know if it was the coffee, the melancholy of the night, lingering afteraffects of three concussions, or a moment of comedic banality, but a recent scammer and I just couldn't mentally 'connect'.

Of course, a scammer with a name like Margaret Leung Ko May Yee, might be a tad difficult to connect with.

Especially when I went off on the 'Twilight Zonesque' tangent I did.

Her opening gambit to me was simple:

I have secure business transaction for you.  Please reply me soonest for detail.

Here is how my editing and expanding of her email went:

It is of great importance for you to take care and understand every word which I have written down below; please be patient and read the explanation in my email.

I am Mrs Margaret LEUNG KO May Yee Vice-Chairman and Chief Executive of HANG SENG BANK LTD. here in Hong Kong attached in Primate Banking Services.

I used to be Hei Fuk Yu Dongdong, a chairman of great dubious character and much onerous body odor.  Then one day I tried to have unnatural sex with a panda bear that was less gratified with my attempt of sodomy than I anticipated, and the f**king beast turned me into a eunuch.

I am offering a bounty for that f**cking bear, but I digress.

Last night I had an apostrophe that I originally took to be a rogue eye lash, when suddenly I awakened in a land so unlike that I had known since giving up crystal meth in my morning sake.  I was in a town that looked animated, and rather badly so; and characters of sorts, walking by me that appeared poorly drawn, speaking English, with four particularly badly drawn 8 year olds, all with potty mouths and of dubious creationcedence.  They called this strange place South Park, and they were about to be inundated by a river of sh** as a result of Hollywood celebrities bringing their brand of narcissism to the sleeply, badly-drawn town.

Just before a muddled character called either "Kenny" or "those bastards" was killed by stampeding platypus on Main Street -- trying to flee the river of sh** I thought -- I found myself floating in a fog of an alien world, looking at a spaceship from Earth.  Inside the craft was a badly-acting William Shatner; outside, clawing at the oval glass window, was a rather ominous-looking sock puppet, that kept empathing the message "gloooooballlllll warrrrrrrrrmmmmmminnnnnnggggg", making Shatner scream like a five year old in a dream about having to eat creamed beets with AlGore.

Then magically, a remote control appeared in my hand, only to have the sock puppet turn on me and engage me in a tug of war over it; I won, but wound up changing to a place even stranger than fiction, where people wore berkinstocks, sandals, smelled like an outhouse, all accompanied by drums pounded irrhythmicly, and badly-written signs that made no sense.  I learned that I was at Occupy San Francisco, and wished to return to the hot, foggy planet, where I could let the sock puppet have the remote control to wind up here.

Then, mercifully, I woke up, and I was in my usual, Third World dump of a hovel.  Was I ever relieved.

So much so, I forgot why I wrote to you.  Never mind.

None of the copied recipients bothered to respond to this rather unique email.  The scammer -- or their handlers -- read this edit with unequal degrees of all kinds of words that they didn't know and/or couldn't pronounce, because they replied to me thus:

who r u and wat is meaning?

Knowing who i r, without necessarily having a specific meaning in mind, I wasn't sure how to answer this inquiry from the original scammer, so I just did a little buck 'n wing improv:

I yam who I yam.  And I hate yams.  But I digress.  Wat has meaning, and meaning has meaning.  Wat meaning are u meaning me to define?  Do you want to know the meaning of wat, or the meaning of meaning?  Is this rhetorical in nature, or is nature itself rhetorical?  A question...since the beginning of time, and long before your Sun burned in the sky, I have awaited a question.  Did you just ask me one, or did I miss the meaning of wat here?

Whomsoever was on the other end of this, wasn't ready to let it go:

r u interest in the bussness transaction i write u abot? 

Mebbe:

u write abot bussness transaction?  Really?  Abot wat bussness transaction u write?  Aminal?  Milneral?  Vaginal?  Quadralateral?

Perhaps they weren't getting any other replies to their scam email, and I was the only 'game' in town:

i not understand wat u r say hear.  r u interest in bussness deal?

i understand wat u say hear.  i underhear wat u stand there.  Whyfor u not understand wat i reply?  How can bussness be without understand wat say hear?  Oh, and abot that sock puppet...do it still have remote?

Either they found another schlep to play, or found someone who could read and somewhat comprehend what I was writing, 'cuz no more they write me abot their bussness.

Sock puppet, you're on your own...