Wunst Upon A Scam...

I don't know if it was the coffee, the melancholy of the night, lingering afteraffects of three concussions, or a moment of comedic banality, but a recent scammer and I just couldn't mentally 'connect'.

Of course, a scammer with a name like Margaret Leung Ko May Yee, might be a tad difficult to connect with.

Especially when I went off on the 'Twilight Zonesque' tangent I did.

Her opening gambit to me was simple:

I have secure business transaction for you.  Please reply me soonest for detail.

Here is how my editing and expanding of her email went:

It is of great importance for you to take care and understand every word which I have written down below; please be patient and read the explanation in my email.

I am Mrs Margaret LEUNG KO May Yee Vice-Chairman and Chief Executive of HANG SENG BANK LTD. here in Hong Kong attached in Primate Banking Services.

I used to be Hei Fuk Yu Dongdong, a chairman of great dubious character and much onerous body odor.  Then one day I tried to have unnatural sex with a panda bear that was less gratified with my attempt of sodomy than I anticipated, and the f**king beast turned me into a eunuch.

I am offering a bounty for that f**cking bear, but I digress.

Last night I had an apostrophe that I originally took to be a rogue eye lash, when suddenly I awakened in a land so unlike that I had known since giving up crystal meth in my morning sake.  I was in a town that looked animated, and rather badly so; and characters of sorts, walking by me that appeared poorly drawn, speaking English, with four particularly badly drawn 8 year olds, all with potty mouths and of dubious creationcedence.  They called this strange place South Park, and they were about to be inundated by a river of sh** as a result of Hollywood celebrities bringing their brand of narcissism to the sleeply, badly-drawn town.

Just before a muddled character called either "Kenny" or "those bastards" was killed by stampeding platypus on Main Street -- trying to flee the river of sh** I thought -- I found myself floating in a fog of an alien world, looking at a spaceship from Earth.  Inside the craft was a badly-acting William Shatner; outside, clawing at the oval glass window, was a rather ominous-looking sock puppet, that kept empathing the message "gloooooballlllll warrrrrrrrrmmmmmminnnnnnggggg", making Shatner scream like a five year old in a dream about having to eat creamed beets with AlGore.

Then magically, a remote control appeared in my hand, only to have the sock puppet turn on me and engage me in a tug of war over it; I won, but wound up changing to a place even stranger than fiction, where people wore berkinstocks, sandals, smelled like an outhouse, all accompanied by drums pounded irrhythmicly, and badly-written signs that made no sense.  I learned that I was at Occupy San Francisco, and wished to return to the hot, foggy planet, where I could let the sock puppet have the remote control to wind up here.

Then, mercifully, I woke up, and I was in my usual, Third World dump of a hovel.  Was I ever relieved.

So much so, I forgot why I wrote to you.  Never mind.

None of the copied recipients bothered to respond to this rather unique email.  The scammer -- or their handlers -- read this edit with unequal degrees of all kinds of words that they didn't know and/or couldn't pronounce, because they replied to me thus:

who r u and wat is meaning?

Knowing who i r, without necessarily having a specific meaning in mind, I wasn't sure how to answer this inquiry from the original scammer, so I just did a little buck 'n wing improv:

I yam who I yam.  And I hate yams.  But I digress.  Wat has meaning, and meaning has meaning.  Wat meaning are u meaning me to define?  Do you want to know the meaning of wat, or the meaning of meaning?  Is this rhetorical in nature, or is nature itself rhetorical?  A question...since the beginning of time, and long before your Sun burned in the sky, I have awaited a question.  Did you just ask me one, or did I miss the meaning of wat here?

Whomsoever was on the other end of this, wasn't ready to let it go:

r u interest in the bussness transaction i write u abot? 

Mebbe:

u write abot bussness transaction?  Really?  Abot wat bussness transaction u write?  Aminal?  Milneral?  Vaginal?  Quadralateral?

Perhaps they weren't getting any other replies to their scam email, and I was the only 'game' in town:

i not understand wat u r say hear.  r u interest in bussness deal?

i understand wat u say hear.  i underhear wat u stand there.  Whyfor u not understand wat i reply?  How can bussness be without understand wat say hear?  Oh, and abot that sock puppet...do it still have remote?

Either they found another schlep to play, or found someone who could read and somewhat comprehend what I was writing, 'cuz no more they write me abot their bussness.

Sock puppet, you're on your own...