Royal Bank of Canada..Gets T&Ped

Oh, those characters in Canada.

Especially when it comes to South Park's depiction of them.

So when one of my characters got a scam email from the Royal Bank of Canada, it made sense to respond with something contemporarily recognizable.

First, the gist of the received email:


(RBC) ROYAL BANK OF CANADA.
200 BAY STREET,22ND FLOOR,
SOUTH TOWER TORONTO, ON M5J 2J5
CANADA

DEAR CUSTOMER.

THE ROYAL BANK OF CANADA CONTROLLING DEPARTMENT CONTROLLING OF THE  SECURITY TRANSFER CODE WHICH IS (RBC/02/13/17), THE AUTHENTICATION
SECTION CODE OF THIS BANK CONCLUDES THE VERIFICATION OF YOUR FILE.
AFTER GOING THROUGH ALL THE DOCUMENTS OF CLAIM RECEIVED BY THIS
DEPARTMENT WITH JUSTIFICATION AND VERIFICATION FROM THE GLOBAL
STRATEGY CANADA WE ARE COMPLETELY SATISFIED AND YOU HAVE BEEN
CONFIRMED.

THE ROYAL BANK OF CANADA CONCERNING WIRE TRANSFERS OF YOUR FUNDS. YOUR  LETTER HAS BEEN REFERRED TO THE (JMCB) LEGAL DIVISION FOR FUNDS  US$12,000,000,000.00 (TWELVE BILLION UNITED STATES DOLLARS)
TRANSFERRED CODE. (RBC/108/118/17). WE ARE SATISFIED USING ELECTRONIC
WIRE TRANSFER OR SWIFT WIRE TRANSFER AND THE RIGHTS AND LIABILITIES OF  USING OF ELECTRONIC AND SWIFT FUND TRANSFER SYSTEMS ARE DEFINED BY THE  ELECTRONIC FUND TRANSFER ACT. THE REGULATION, HOWEVER, WHICH  IMPLEMENTS THIS STATUTE, 12 C.F.R. PART 205, REGULATION E.
SPECIFICALLY STATES THAT ITS PROVISIONS ARE INAPPLICABLE TO A
SITUATION SUCH WE MUST ENSURE YOUR FUNDS TRANSFERRED TO YOUR
DESTINATION BANK ACCOUNT BETWEEN SHOURS.  


I'm sure that last wasn't a typo; it was just the Queen's FrenchCanadianlish. 

Anyway, the demanded fee to be paid for this Canadian largess was $260 USD, to be wired to some dunce cap in Louisiana, of all places.

Wahl...it was time for a South Parkesque edit:


From: CEO: Canadian Scott The Dick <bertolottiangelo@alice.it>
Sent: Monday, February 13, 2017 5:42 PM
Subject: (RBC) RILED BUNK OF CANADA.

 

(RBC) RILED BUNK OF CANADA.
200 BAY STREET,22ND FLOOR,
SOUTH TOWER TORONTO, ON M5J 2J5
CANADA

FRIENDS OF THOSE JERKS TERRENCE & PHILIP.

THE RILED BUNK OF CANADA SAYS TO ALL FRIENDS OF TERRENCE AND

PHILIP THAT YOU'RE ALL DICKS.

NO I'M NOT...YOU ARE.

GAWDDAMN IT I SAID NO I'M NOT...YOU ARE!!!

THE RILED BUNK OF CANADA DOESN'T GIVE A SH*T ABOUT BANKY THINGS

LIKE WIRE TRANSFERS, DEPOSITS, CD, ANNUITIES, SAVINGS, 401KS AND

SH*T LIKE THAT.  THE ONE AND ONLY THING I CARE ABOUT IS TO CLEARLY

AND FINALLY ESTABLISH, ONCE AND FOR ALL, THAT TERRENCE AND PHILIP --

NOT ME -- ARE THE DICKS.

NO I AM NOT A DICK YOU ASSHOLE!  THEY ARE!!!  YOU ARE!!!  I AM NOT!!!

I HAD THE SOUTH PARK VERSION OF SADDAM HUSSEIN COVERTLY PASS THE

FOLLOWING STATUTE ELECTRONIC FUND TRANSFER ACT. THE REGULATION,

HOWEVER, WHICH IMPLEMENTS THIS STATUTE, 12 C.F.R. PART 205,
SPECIFICALLY STATES THAT ITS PROVISIONS ARE INAPPLICABLE TO

ANYONE WHO IS NOT A DICK.  AND I AM NOT A DICK, THEY ARE.

NO I'M NOT, YOU GAWDDAMNED ASSHOLE!!!

 CONSIDERING THE VOLUME OF YOU ASSHOLES WRITING TO CALL ME A DICK, THANKS

TO TERRENCE, PHILIP AND THEIR ASSHOLE CREATORS, I, CANADIAN SCOTT, AM

DECLARING WAR ON ALL OF THOSE DICKS AND ALL OF YOU DICKS THAT KEEP

CRANK CALLING ME TO CALL ME A DICK.

"Is this Scott from Canada?  YOU'RE A DICK!!!"

GAWDDAMNIT, NO I AM NOT!!!!!  TERRENCE AND PHILIP ARE!!!!

RILED BUNK OF CANADA HEREBY STATE OFFICIALLY THAT ALL OF YOU THAT ARE

DICKS THAT ARE CALLING ME A DICK ARE HEREDICKS AND ARE BANNED FROM

ENTERING THE CONFINES OF SOUTH PARKIAN CANADA FOR THE REST OF THE

SHOW'S UNNATURAL LIFE!!!  NO DICKS IN CANADA, SO I HAVE TO MOVE.

NO GAWDDAMN IT....TERRENCE AND PHILIP, YOU'RE THE DICKS, NOT ME!!!

I AM NOT!!!!!

I AWAITS YOUR URGENT RESPONSE TO ACKNOWLEDGE THAT TERRENCE AND PHILIP ARE THE DICKS, AND NOT ME.  IF YOU DO NOT ACKNOWLEDGE THAT, YOU'RE A DICK.  NO,  YOU ARE.  I AM NOT, YOU ARE! 

GAWDDAMN IT, I AM NOT, YOU DICK HOSER!!!

THROUGH AN ATTORNEY IN USA -- MOST OF WHOM ARE DICKS -- SEND ME MONEY TO PAY FOR YOUR HAVING SUPPORTED TWO FARTING CARTOON CHARACTERS THAT HAVE MADE THE WORLD THINK THAT I, AND NOT THEY, AM A DICK:

RECEIVER:NAME:======= CANADIAN SCOTT THE DICK (NO I'M NOT!!!)
COUNTRY=============CANADA
ADDRESS:==========1125 FULLOFSH*T DRIVE CANADA CITY, CANADA
AMOUNT: ========$260 CANADIAN DOLLARS ONLY

AFTER SENT THE MONEY FILL THE BELOW DETAILS FOR PICK UP AND DO NOT THEREIN

CALL OR REFER TO ME AS A DICK:

REFERENCE# NUMBER.......
SENDER'S NAME.......
SENDER'S ADDRESS......

YOU ARE REQUIRE TO GET BACK TO ME WITH CONFIRMATION THAT YOU MADE UP

FOR ALL THESE YEARS OF ABUSE FROM TERRENCE AND PHILIP CALLING MY PHONE

AT ALL HOURS TO CALL ME A DICK, WHEN IT'S THEM AND NOT ME THAT'S A DICK.

YES IT IS!!!  I AM NOT A DICK YOU ASSHOLE!!!

THIS LAW PASSED BY CARTOON SADDAM IS STATED ACCORDING TO SECTION 35 AND

36 THAT I, CANADIAN SCOTT, AM NOT A DICK.  GO READ IT FOR YOURSELF!!!!   THAT'S

WHAT IT SAYS!!!!!!  I AM NOT A GAWDDAMNED DICK!!!!!!!!!!!!

STOP CALLING ME A DICK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

CEO: CANADIAN SCOTT THE DICK (I AM NOT!!!!)
CHAIRMAN, CHIEF EXECUTIVE DICK (AM NOT!!!!!!!!!)
CHIEF EXECUTIVE DICK (AM NOT GAWDDAMN IT!!!!!!) RILED BUNK OF CANADA

What would come as no great surprise, the originating scammer had no response to this edit.

 

He probably thinks that Canadian Scott is a dick, too.