Ground Hahaha-wg Day Revisited

In a twist that sort of resembles the worst combinations of the movie Ground Hog Day and auditions for American Idol, I had a scammer try to drag me into a Ground Hog Dayesque loop.

To his regret (I can only hope), I went along for the ride, bad lyrics and all.

The recently-deposed scammer, Joseph Johnson -- of "Job Opportunity!" fame -- didn't bother waiting a couple days to run up his latest scam flag up the pole, and apparently using the same email addresses as heretofore.

Including mine.

This time, the email was entitled HELP NOW!, and it featured Joseph Johnson as someone trying to get a (gullible) American to hep him coordnate Haitian releif fund. A bit late to the party, but there's always maggots around to nibble on the crumbs, I reckon. 'Specially where he's from, but I digress.

At any rate, it was pretty much a short and similar offer as in the previous scam...after I got done laughing my ample ass off, I couldn't hep but say, "oh HELL no...why not one more round!". But not as Ben Dover; no, this one called for the more experienced expertise of my good and handy character, Jack N. Ewehoff. His quick response:

Joseph,

Yes, this whole situation is terrible! Absolutely terrible! What's worse, there are lowlife, scum-sucking, goat-poking, libtard crapheads who see in situations like this an opportunity to take advantage of both the downtrodden, and those who wish to help them. I am very pleased that YOU are of a character that I can work with to help those in need. What can I do to help you give me this business?

I used the same mailing information and phone number as Ben did...what came back was a cut-n-paste of my...er...Ben's previous instructions, on how to wire the assistance money that would be channeled to me, via Western Union, to ...... Adesina Tosin Nelson, in Moscow.

*snort*...so let ol' Jack get this h'yar straight...*chortle*...I'm supposed to receive mailed *donations..smirk* from a coordinator *har* allegedly in the UK, and Westren Union them (the catbox cheeseball never did get how to spell that right) to some person in Moscow, to help Haitians...*guffaw*? This is almost as good as our "stimulus" money going to create jobs in non-existent congressional districts.

So Jack sends him a quick I'm ready, let's get the donations rolling! There's no time to be wasted here!, only to get this eyebrow-raising response back:

okay Jack i read you...i wish only to cauton you to play true to me and not be one to take the money for you. i wish clearly you know this upfont.

I responded with a quick You'll know the taste of disappointment with me only if you play me thus. Which he apparently didn't get.

Instead of a couple of weeks, I get an email from Joseph within hours, that a donation has been mailed to me and that I should receive it shortly. So on Thursday, I shoot him a quick it's here, and I'm taking care of it just the way you warned me to. But of course, it couldn't be, but Joseph doesn't seem to grasp that, either, as an email later Friday confirms:

Jack, soonest you should go to Westren Union and wire fund to Mr. Adesina, and send me with no dealy the mtcn. much on you now depend for this i cannot say to you enough. And following that, came this: Jack, i need hear from you soonest on mtcn. dont dealy this i have to make haste on get this moving. mail me mtcn soonest!

Friday came up nicer than on the East Coast, though storm enough is brewing for a quickly- testy scammer, with enough twists and turns to almost qualify as my own version of the Super Bowel, with the following and increasingly silly exchanges taking place (much of it Friday night night into Sunday morning):

Joseph, I have received advice from a good friend of mine that suggests I keep the money, and instead of sending it via your suggestion, I place it in more dependable hands. What do you think? I think I choose the alternative plan.

HEY LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING OK I HAVE NOT TO ANSWER TO YOU IN TRUST OF MY CARATER, YOU SEND MONEY AS I SUGGEST TO. TRY NO FUNNY STUFF WITH ME OR IT WILL GO NOT GOOD FOR YOU I PROMISE OK.

Thank you for your clear and succinct advice, Joseph. I'll keep the money and use my plan. That okay with you?

hello...i just want to let you know that this is your last change so i think i have all your info with me and i will report you to the FBI so let me know soonest if you areready to send the money or not ok i give you just 12 hours so after that i will report you to the FBI ok.

My choice is to keep the money. 12 hours from now, that will still be my choice. FBI? *smirk*..I have donuts and coffee. How many can I expect?

DO YOU THINK YOU CAN SAM ME...OKA KNOW PROBLEM LET WAIT AND SEE OK. I MAKE YOU SORRY OK.

(now I start with the pure, American Idolesque nonsense...)

*tone of chipped tuning fork....mmmmmmmmm*

As I..walked down, the streets of

Nai-robi..

Asssssssss...I walked out in Nairobi one dayyyyy...

I spied a young scammer

all dressed in brown burlap

dressed in brown burlap

as foul as his smell...

"I see, by your email...that youuuu..are a scammer.."

"I see, by your ree-sponse, you are a scammer too...."

"We see by our emails, that we are both scammers...

If you send an email

you can be a scammer too..."

*bw-ANG*

you strange one but you think you can spend my money? nooooooo...justr to let you knwo that i have already call bank and the money will be call backkkkkk you silly asholeee.

Oh Joseph...bubbi, strange one here: and how, pray tell me, can the money be called back, once it's been cashed and the account on which it was cashed, closed out? Hmmmmm? My friend who advise me -- I think you know Ben Dover -- he tell me all about you. And now, a musical salute to my stupid friend Joseph (with no apologies to the Guess Who):

*laugh-ing..hahaHAhaha

laugh-ing..hahaHAHAHA

laugh-ing..what I'm doing at you, doof

laugh-ing..hahaHAHAHA*

Besides, you spell bad and yo' mama dress you funny...

*Ohhhhhhhhhhh

Scammer got burned,

and I don't care

Scammer he pissed,

and I don't care

Scammer make "theats",

and I don't carrrrrrrrreeeee...

Da Scammer make me laugh

snerx snort*

I reckon your fans at your fly-infested internet cafe aren't applauding you now...*BUZZER*..you LOSE! WARNING...*BUZZER*...WARNING...*BUZZER*...FAIL! SCAMMER FAIL! JOSEPH FAIL! LOSER! *BUZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZER*

YOU THINK YOU GET AWAY LAUGH AT ME OK...SEE PROBLEM YOU NOT LAUGH SOON OKAY.

I laughed yesterday...today..tomorrow...bill-yuns and BILL-yuns of years from now...the Internet laugh at you...your fly-infested peers at fly-infested internet cafe laugh at you...the merekats of the Serengeti laugh at you...when FBI show up for donuts and coffee, they, too, laugh at you. You lose ;-)

(and after all that, comes, as they probably don't say in France unless it's me, Joseph's "pastry resistant" late Saturday night):

hello...so what is going to happen now can we share the money into 2 ok and more over we can work deals together and share future moneys ok. you good.

I am absolutely LMAO on this one. But ol' Jack N. Ewehoff simply MUST reply to this 'un. Simply must:

Joseph, your guts may only be exceeded by your girth, but I digress. Quite an offer you pitch me. Work with someone as accomplished as you, and split the profits. I should be honored. I have it penciled in to so feel, in 2014.

In the meantime, let's see what you've won...aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnndddddd the contestant now chooses from what's behind Door #1, Door #2, and Doooooorrrr #3...*drum roll*...*egg roll*....and our contestant has chosen what's behind Dooooooorrrr #3. Do you want to trade for what's behind Door #1? Jay, show Joseph what he would have won if he had chosen Door #1...oops...Jay, tell the wombats they can't do that in prime time...so, does the contestant stick with Doooooorrrrrrr #3? If the contestant would wash more often, he wouldn't stick to it...going once...going twice...*phfffft*...sold, to the cross-dressing scammer in the ill-fitting red dress! Jay, go ahead and open up what's behind Dooooooooorrrrr #3......*waaaa..waaaa...waaaa...waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa*...*Klaxon*..*Buzzer*...and Joseph, you have won.....a free internet session in a wind-swept tented Internet Cafe, with a free latte mocha full of 1,000,000 dead flies, and an IBM 286 desktop with 28.8 dial up.

In uddah woids, Joey...*BUZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZER*...I turn down your arrangements. Don't you just HATE when that happens? Sux to be you, shore 'nuff.

i dont like you

Neither does my ex-fiancee. Want her number?

I guess there must be limits to what even a scammer will accept...he didn't write back for the number. It would have been a wrong one, anyway.