It's Everywhere You Don't Want To Be

Relax...Eyegor won't get this brain switch done correctly, either.

I do give this scammer a minutiae of credit for attempting to sound marginally official:

Bank of America Financial Center 

Metro Center Station 700 13th St NW, 

Washington, DC 20005, United States

Office of Ms. Christine P. Katziff

Corporate General Auditor (BOA)

Wire Transfer & Audit Department

Direct Tell: +12024555966

Attention:,

I am Ms. Christine P. Katziff, Corporate General Auditor, Bank of America. Be informed of the arrival and availability of your long awaiting inheritance fund Part Payment value, ($7, 000,000.00) only as received. This occurred on the march 21st 2018, through great effort by the USA Office of the Comptroller of the Currency (OCC). But our Bank Board of Directors, refused to get you informed for reasons best known to them, which I believe, must be selfish interest. 

I made my research in our Bank database and confirmed I can wire the fund to your choice of Bank account and have the wire tracer wiped out from the system, where the fund wire transfer cannot be traced to your Bank account by any Financial Authority.  

Therefore, I urge you to trust my skill and assure me the absolute confidentiality of this information, and I will have your fund wired via the fastest method of wire transfer, (MT202 Cov), If you agree or can trust my skill on this matter, reconfirm your details as listed bellow, and I will transfer your fund as you will confirm it in your Bank account same day.

If you have any doubt or negative thought about this, please, don't bother to reply this message, I cannot persuade you, I am only here to exercise my hatred on cheating and cheaters, using my perfect professional skill. 

Be assured of a successful completion of this deal upon adhering to my directives by acting at the right time where necessary. 

No INTERFERENCE from the Government or any Financial Authorities, no one will have the right to intervene on the transaction following my perfect plans to make it happen. 

Reconfirm the following details to enable us commence on the process immediately.

Your Full Names: 

Your Current Home Address: 

Your Direct Cell:

Your Current Occupation:

Bank Names: 

Bank Address:

Bank Account No:

Bank Account Names:

Swift No:

Routing No:

Christine P. Katziff  

Corporate General Auditor  

 

 

Yes, she at least sorta tried to sound marginally official.

 

That ended with the edit:

 

 

From: ChristineP.Katsniff:@Bankofamerica.com <andmmorris445@gmail.com>
Sent: Monday, May 13, 2019 11:46 AM
Subject: Your Porn Audition Confirm or Call Me: +12024555966

 

Bank of Fawg Financial Center 

Metro Center Station 700 13th St NW, 

Washington, DC 20005, United States

Office of Ms. Christine P. Katsniff

Corpulent Genital Auditioner (BOF)

Direct Tell: +12024555966

Attention:,

I am Ms. Christine P. Katsniff, Corpulent Genital Auditioner, Bank of Fawg. Be informed of the arrival and availability of your long awaited porn audition with Stormdrain Daniels on the about-to-be-cancelled cnn show Kowballa's Got Genital Warts. This occurred for a one week premiere on April 1 2019, through great effort by friends of Alyssa Milano's sex strike, Ruth Bader Ginsboig. But people and inanimate objects planning to run for president as democraps refused to get you informed for reasons best known to them, which I believe, must be selfish interest. 

I made my research in our Bank database and confirmed I can get you an audition to star with Stormdrain Daniels in From Russia With Sexual Inflatables, anticipated to be off Broadway next year and before the House Injudiciary Crimemittee next week, if Jerry Nadler can get his hallucinogens prescription adjusted to make that Cortez broad a little easier to listen to.  

 

Therefore, I urge you to trust my total lack of skill and inarticulate vaginal stuttering while assuring me the absolute confidentiality of this information not making it into the Mueller Report as an unredacted add-in.  If you agree or can trust me on this, I guarantee you'll never know what violated your sock puppet collection until it's over.

 

If you have any doubt or negative thought about this, please, explain in 500 words or less in English, French, Klingon or Uranusian, why you don't wish have sprechens with me about your audition.  If given the chance and proper drugs, I can persuade you; I am loosely related to Tania the Lotus Eater, the same one that briefly mastered Chief Inspector Clouseau in his last movie before he vaporlocked, allowing Chief Inspector Dreyfuss a release from the frog mental hospital.   

Be assured of a successful completion of your audition with Stormdrain Daniels and a host of celebrity inflatables by acting at the right time where necessary. 

No INTERFERENCE from the Film Actor's Guild or Arec Barrdwin will befall you.  I think. 

Reconfirm the following details to enable us commence on the process immediately.

Your Full Names: 

Your Current Home Address: 

Your Direct Cell:

Your Current Occupation:

Christine P. Katsniff  

Corpulent Genital Auditioner  

 

 

My pet rock, Seymour, is convinced I scared off the scammer with an edit mentioning Tania the Lotus Eater.

 

It didn't seem to bother the late Chief Inspector Clouseau...

The Devil Shoulda Went Down To Georgia

The title will make sense at the end.

Got me a couple-three live ones h'yar.

Here's how it all started:

Please I know you don't know me but please hear me out and save my life.

My parents were traveling for a wedding ceremony in the northern part of the country and had a fatal accident. Both died!. Since their death I have been getting all manner of bad treatment from his brothers. My uncle took all his properties and business. Their wives are even wearing my mom's clothes and this makes me cry always.

The reason am writing you is because my dad's bank refused to give me the money he had in the bank here which my name was put as the inheritor saying that I must reach 25 years before they give it to me unless older person stands for me and none of his brother know about this money.

Please I want you to stand for me they will send you the money so I can come to your country and continue my education because if I stay more here they will kill me . 

I promise to give you half of the money when you secure it and then you will hold all the money, just be paying my school fees and feeding. When you reply I will tell you the amount and we will discuss more for me to have more trust on you. I am 18 and the only child.

Cordially

Christine J Jerome

Please reply to: mycontactss@yandex.com   

 

 

She caught my character on a particularly sarcastic day:

 

 

In reading your missive, every internal instinct and heart string within me cries out, "it sucks to be you".  I yawn and I'm over it.  

 

 

Christine don' read too well:

 

Good Morning Jack Ewehoff and thank you very much for your response.

I have been sending this email from the other email address and it is not going that is why i am sending it from this one. Please reply here. The amount is $4.8M and I live in Africa.

Please what I need you to do for me is to secure the money from the bank where it is deposited, you will keep it in your bank account then send me some money to take care of my travel expenses to come over to your country to continue my education.  My uncle is very very wicked he does not want to take care of me and he has stopped my education so I want to get out of here and go to another country and continue my education. 

I spoke with the bank manager on phone a moment ago and he to asked me to tell you to send me the following:

Your full names

Your complete address

Your cell phone number

A valid copy of your identification card or passport

Your occupation.

When you send  them I will take it to him so he will contact you to arrange on how and when to bring the money to you.

Please send me your passport and pictures also so I will know you and have more trust on you before they send you the money.

Please reply me.

Thank you,

Christine Jerome. 

 

With your reading comprehension being what it is, it adds one more reason to suck being you.

 

 

It soon becomes clear that neither does her accomplice in this scam as he weighs in next:

 

 

Dear Jack Ewehoff,

Ms.Christine Jerome came to my office this morning to inform me that you are  the one who will secure the money ($4.8M) which her late father deposited in our bank. She say you will also aid her in enrolling in a school.  I am compelled to write you myself to know if this is true or not.  Once I receive your return mail we will shall start the process .

Regards,

Prince Wilson Dara  

 

Game on:

 

 

"Prince"?  Is that a name or a title? 

Speaking to truth:  yes, Christine Jerome does in fact believe that I am her savior.

I can't help what she believes, but that's what she believes.  

 

 

Prince is a  tittle. 

So you dont want to help her?   

 

 

So you claim to be a bona fide tittled prince?  Interesting.

As I said, Christine Jerome believes that I'm here to be her savior.  Perhaps it will be so.  That's up to her tittled prince banker at this point.    

 am not claiming to be a Prince that is my bona fide tittle.

I will make arrangement to bring the money cash to you through a fiduciary agency.  Regards,

Prince Wilson Dara  

 

 

If you're not a prince, why would you have a tittle that suggests that you are?  That makes no sense.

Tittles mean something...somewhere. 

 

 

Never mind my tittle I will have a meeting with the  fiduciary agency this evening to know what  it will take them to bring the money by cash to you in the US.  

 

 

I'll be the judge of minding your tittle. Just don't email me too early tomorrow; I sleep in on weekends.  

 

 

In the meantime, Christine wants to check on how things is going:

 

Good Evening,

Please are you still talking with  the bank,what is the situation?

Christine Jerome    

Yes, I am.  I have speaked with your tittled prince several times.  I reckon we'll have some more speaks before we are done.    

 

And with that, it's back in the tittled prince's court:  
 

Good Morning  Jack Ewehoff,

I had a meeting with the fiduciary agency yesterday evening and they told me the documents that are needed for them to bring the money to you. It is in he region of $5,500 and I think I will pay them the money from the bank so when he comes and hand over the money to you , you will give him back the money to bring back to me so I will pay back the bank.

Regards,

Prince Wilson Dara    
 

Oh sure.  I'll be happy as a bearded clam to pay you $5,500.  Soon as I find a bearded clam that's happy about that.   

Good Morning  Jack Ewehoff,

 We have concluded everything . The diplomat have departed and will be in USA tomorrow, he will call  you once he lands to arrange how to meet you in order to hand over the money you.

Keep us informed.

Regards,

Prince Wilson Dara    
 

Fine.  Hope he lands at the right airport.  Airlines don't just lose luggage, y'know.    
 

It's at this point that the tittled one forgets who he's supposed to be:

 

 

Good Evening Jack Ewehoff,

I dont know where he will land but he was given your phone number and other data of yours so he will contact you to arrange how to see you.

Best regards,

Jonathan woodgate  

 

 

What happened to the tittled prince dara?  He step on a duck or something?  I hope he properly briefed you on this scheme, otherwise you'll have sent the diplomat to the wrong place.  I'll look forward to see where he winds up.  

 

 

Good morning Jack Ewehoff,

I did not send the diplomat the wrong place.  Why you say that?  He will contact you when he arrive so you be ready to receive him.

Regards,

Jonathan woodgate  

 

 

I say that because of wee little inconsistencies emanating from your end of the email stream.  Beware of flash floods in such email streams...you could get a catfish right in the puss.  Just you get the diplomat to the right airport and don't let them lose him or his luggage.  

 

Comes this morning, and the "diplomat" has apparently arrived.  Somewhere.  And he's calling the number my character gave the scammers.  A fax line no one answers.  So the "diplomat" whines first to Christine Jerome:

The diplomat is complaining that the number you gave him is fax number.  He has landed and has been calling you but gets fax tune.

He is stranded and wants to get in touch with you.    

 

Why is the dummy calling a fax number?  I'm never going to answer a fax number.What is the matter with him?    

 

 Then we hear from "Prince" again: 

 

Good Morning  Jack Ewehoff,

The diplomat is already in the USA and he said he has been calling and getting fax tune only and you are not picking.

Please keep your phone open so he will get you on phone.

Regards

Prince Wilson Dara

 

 Well, where the hell did he land?  If he didn't land near me, what good is telephonic communication?  Tell him to land in Denver at DIA.  Then he and I can meet.  Anywhere else...phfft.  He might as well be a lost suitcase.  And would you and Jonathan Woodgate get on the same page?  


Provide us with good telephone number where he  can reach you.  


You instruct him this:

1. Fly to Denver
2. Tell me when he is scheduled to arrive
3. Get me the name of the airline he's arriving on
4. I will meet him

It doesn't get any easier than this.  Unless you or he, or both, are incompetent.    

 

*Jeopardy Theme* while we wait to find out what the competency level is...and we learn that from dear Christine:


Good Afernoon,

You were the one who provided the phone number he called. I wonder why you are ranting.

You were informed that he will call you when he lands.why do you leave the man stranded?

Christine Jerome   

Ranting?  Really?

I simply insisted that the diplomat fly into the closest location to me so that we could meet in person.  How totally unreasonable of me.  You clowns won't tell me where he is -- if you even know yourself -- and guide him to the location I told the bank to have him come to.  My phone number is meaningless if he isn't at the right airport.

I deal in cash and in person.  He needs to be HERE to complete the deal.  Not at some nameless airport in the lost luggage section.  I've already told the bank that.  Now I'm telling you.  One of you needs to tell him to get out of the lost luggage area and fly to Denver.  You then let me know when he's to arrive in Denver and on which airline, and I will see to the rest to bring this to the conclusion it was meant to have.

See how simple?  Now you and the bank stop your ranting childish temper tantrums and get this back on track.  You've been told how to do this.  Success or failure is wholly up to y'all now.

 

 

Cue further scammer indignation in 3...2...1...:

 

Good morning Jack Ewehoff,

 

The diplomat is already in the USA and at an airport stranded because you not give him a talking phone number to reach you.  You must do this now.  He cannot stay stranded long.  Give me a number now.

 

Regards,

Jonathan woodgate

 

 

What happened to Prince Dara?  Did you lose him too?  Whoever books your flights there needs to be fired and replaced by an Amazon Alexa thingee.  The NSA loves listening in on those things.  I've already told you how to fix YOUR f**k-up and the only way you can fix it.  You, the prince, Christine and this diplomat now living in a lost luggage environment all need to achieve the same page of understanding.  SEND THE DIPLOMAT TO DENVER.  DEN...VER.  The airport is D..I..A.  The one with the giant white tent and demonic blue horse statue.  Tell me when he arrives and on what airline, and we can achieve the results this deal was intended to achieve all along.  We cannot do that from a distant airport over a phone.  You sabe chop chop?

 

Meantime, there's Christine again:


He said he has also emailed you still no response. I dont understand all these    


When did "he" email me?  Who is "he"?  I have received no email from anyone calling hisself "diplomat".  Is he totally incompetent or what?  Can't he get out of the lost luggage storage at whatever airport he's in and get to Denver?  This is all "diplomat" has to do to bring this to its rightful conclusion.

And all of a sudden, out of a jumble of email comes this from the "diplomat":

Hello Mr Jack Ewehoff,

My name is Mr Charles Wilson, a diplomat. I was the one that came to the US to deliver your money to you.  The TSA is holding your trunk at the airport they say you should pay the sum of $1982 for a document they called AUTOMATED ENTRY PROCESSING CERTIFICATE (AEPC202) before they could release the trunk to enable me to start coming to your place.

Again provide me  with a good phone number that I can send text to and call.

Get back

Regards,

Charles Wilson  

 

 

Is this THE Charlie Wilson?  Good Time Charlie from Charlie Wilson's War?  What airport are you lost in?

 

 Meanwhile, Christine tries to be helpful in finding the lost diplomat...even in the spam folder:


He is Mr Charles Wilson.check your mail very well even the spam folder  


Charles Wilson?  If he's in my spam folder, will I find him under "Charles", under "Wilson", or under "diplomat lost with luggage at unknown airport"?


But first, back to Chuck:

I am at Dulles International airport here in Washington DC.

TSA is holding your trunk until I submit the required document.

Please send them the money to procure the document so will start coming immediately.  

 

 

Chuck, Chuck Chuck:  didn't nobody communicate with you before you got lost with the luggage at Dullass Airport?  Denver, Bunkie....Denver is where you need to fly.  Denver is where I am.  Me.  Here.  Denver.  You fly into DIA...I meet you at the plane...I hand you money, you hand me document, and our business is done.  Simple. Quick.  Easy.  So get yourself out of the lost luggage at Dullass Airport and fly to Denver.  Rocky Mountain High...Denver.  This is where it's happening, dig?

Now Chuck gets his dander up a tad:


Jack Ewehoff I try call you but your number is faxes toning so I do not get to speech with you.  I am at Dulles Airport with TSA and this is where I need your money to be send now.  Only this way can we conclude our business.    


Wrong, Bunkie:  I am HERE.  My money is HERE.  Denver.  Not Dullass.  You pack your happy ass up out of the lost luggage, tell TSA to kiss your grits, get on or in the plane, I care not which, and fly to DENVER with the consignment.  Once you do that, I meet you at the plane.  IN DENVER.  I hand you the money.  IN DENVER.  You hand me the consignment.  IN DENVER.  The simple common denominator here:  IN DENVER.  Do it now before fares increase for some bogus holiday.  

This is were our plane landed and that is where I am  now. Send them the money so they will release your trunk to enable me come.   I am not the one that needs the money you will have to send it to them to issue the document

Your lost-with-the-luggage ass is accomplishing NOTHING in Dullass, Bunkie.  Denver is where you need to be.  Denver is where I am.  Denver is where my money is.  Stop being geographically-challenged and get to Denver.  That's where I'm settling down. 

Just for fun, my character follows up with this email to all three of my dissolute scammers:


Now that you have identified your geography-challenged diplomat, and now that he has figured out where he is lost, here is what the bank and Christine need to do:  tell Chuck to get his ass out of the lost-luggage area of Dullass Airport and back on a plane that flies to Denver.  D-E-N-V-E-R.  Colorado.  DIA.  Once he does that, I can meet him here.  In Denver.  It's where I am.  It's everywhere he wants to be if he wants to conclude this business and stop being a part of the lost luggage at Dullass.  I am here.  My money is here.  This is where it goes down.  All roads to a successful conclusion to this business lead to DENVER.  Me.  In Denver.  So get him booked on the next flight to Denver.  


First back to my character is Chuck:


They wont release the trunk to me to start coming unless I submit the required document. There is no way I can leave here  


Sounds like it sucks to be you, Chuck.  You should have flown to the right airport with the right document and you wouldn't be stranded with the lost luggage, eating over-priced, poor-quality hotdogs now.  You best tell the Bank folks to get you routed to Denver, since they sent you in the first place.  This is their mess to straighten out.
 

I had to loop the *Jeopardy Theme* a few times while awaiting a reply from any of the dissolute trio.  Finally this from the 'stranded with the luggage' diplomant:


   There is absolutely no way  I can leave here without submitting the document they required. The bank insist that they have no more money to put into this that you should help me out since am in US. I am stranded here. Try to send them the money so they will issue and bring the required document to enable me proceed.  


The bank "have no more money to put into this"?  Oh yeah???  This goes to all three:



The "bank" doesn't have the *money*???  What the flying fish F**K is a line of total bullsh*t like that?  Are you REALLY that stupid, Chuck?  What is a bank full of???  MONEY!!!!!  And they can damned sure dip into the little bit they are responsible for to get you to Denver.  They sent you.  What did they use to send you in the first place, green stamps???  They f**ked up by sending you to a place I wasn't.  It's THEIR f**k up.  It's up to THEM to fix THEIR F**K UP.  It's that simple.  You work for some real sh*t birds, Chuck.  And while we're on the subject, didn't those SH*T BIRDS give you a ROUND TRIP TICKET???  The more I hear from you, the more I am convinced I am dealing with the stupidest mother**kers in the entire Solar System.  How can any *bank* that allegedly handles MILLIONS, work like this?  Answer:  a *real* bank doesn't.  But Platinum Trust Bank....don't work or act like a *real* bank.  Christine, you started this...did anyone on your end think ANY of this through at all???

The Three Stooges or the Marx Brothers would have done better.  Bank, you f**ked it up...you fix it.  I'm in Denver.  Get Chuck here.  It's entirely and totally your responsibility and totally UP TO YOU.  You BROKE it...you FIX it.  

 

 

The *bank* is quicker to reply to that:

 

 

We are not saying that we do not have money in our coffers, no do not misunderstand us,what we mean is that we do not have any more  money to spend on this particular transaction.

He is in your country why not liaise with him to get to you.

Yes he has his return ticket. We paid for that.

We took about $5500 from here to take care of all the delivery. Why cant you help to get him to you and hand over the money.

Best regards

Prince Wilson Dara  

 

 

No mercy from h'yar:

 

 

You knowingly sent him to the WRONG airport.  You HAD my physical address.  Look at a map, Prince Dunderhead.  Dullass is outside of Warshington, DC.  I am outside of Denver, CO.  Two-thirds of this fine country is between Warshington DC and Denver.  YOU SENT YOUR DIPLOMANT TO THE WRONG AIRPORT.  YOU DID THAT.  It is YOUR RESPONSIBILITY to get him to the RIGHT AIRPORT.  Once you do that, this business can conclude in the way it was always intended to.  Furthermore, I point out that you are a BANK.  YOU originally told me I needed to pay $5500.  Suddenly your diplomant is telling me I need to pay $1982.  And that he is stranded...stranded, yet you say that he has a RETURN TICKET.  And that you have no money left.  At least, you claim to have no money left FOR THIS.  Did they not teach you anything about basic GEOGRAPHY, basic MATH, and about keeping basic FACTS STRAIGHT there?  YOU sent him.  YOU sent him to the WRONG AIRPORT. 

 

So he is NOT stranded.  He can return from whenst you sent him.  OR...you can successfully conclude this deal by redoing his ticket and getting him from Warshington DC to Denver.  That's where I am:  Denver.  Not DC.  That's where you need to get him to:  Denver.  That's where I am, and that's where this business sees fruition.  His travel is not my responsibility to pay for.  His travel is YOUR RESPONSIBILITY TO PAY FOR.

You and he has wasted valuable time.  You waste more arguing a point you've already and repeatedly lost.  GET HIM TO DENVER.  DO IT NOW...TODAY.  

 

 

And to turn the screws a tad further:

 

 

Chuck, I am going to Denver International Airport.  I am going to check into a hotel there and give you until tomorrow evening to show up.  If you don't, you and Platinum Trust Bank blew this tee-totally.  And the f**k up is 100% yours.  You OWN it.  Christine, next time mix with a better quality of associates.  You screwed the pooch here.  

 

 

That elicits this reply from Missy:

 

 

You dont need to go there , the best you will do is to help the diplomat come  

 

 

Help the diplomat WHAT???  You're the correct sex to do that, Chrissie.  Don't tell me you idiots don't know which bathroom to use where you're from???

Christine may be many things including not a Christine, but she seemed to figure that one out:


i do not understand what you just say.  you are not serious what you just say!


Serious as hell, Babycakes.  You want Chucky to come, you do it.


Something finally appears  to have *clicked* in Cranial Void Land with that exchange as nothing more is heard from the bank or Chuck...just this last blurb from the one what started it all, Christine:


I count on you  and fail me.  You not nice man.  


I'm not a calculator Babycakes.  And you're not an English major or Dr. Ruth.  Between you and your inept bank, you left your diplomant stranded in lost luggage at the wrong airport, unable to come or breathe hard.  Still, it could have been worse.  He could have been stranded in Newark...he'd be in an Elizabeth NJ pawn shop by now.  If by some miracle whip you manage to retrieve your lost diplomant and ever want to try again, just email me back you summana  beech 'cuz I'm the best there's ever been.  'Cept against Charlie Daniels on a fiddle.  


The Devil'd be wise to avoid Charlie D, me...and Newark.


 

Some Assembly Required Indeed

Feces is about to get real here.

Or not.

Once again, my character gets another rather tired email scam from the "United Nation".  My character would be a billionaire approaching Warren Buffett's net worth by now if all these emails were real.

Meh:


UNITED NATION OFFICE
Wednesday 8th/5/2019
UNITED NATIONS (U.N) PLAZA 761, NEW YORK (N.Y) 04221 USA
E-MAIL: (unitednationbn_benin@yahoo.co.id)http://www.un.org/sg


ATTENTION: BENEFICIARY,

We write to inform you that it have been authorized by the international community in conjunction with the World Bank to investigate the unnecessary delay of your Outstanding Contract/Inheritance Payment.

We have also been empowered to recommend and approve your Fund for payment if certified as genuine. During the course of our investigation, we discovered with dismay that your payment has been unnecessarily delayed by some corrupt officials of the Bank who are trying to divert your Fund into their Private Accounts.

To forestall this, security for your Funds has been organized and for the safety of your funds we have been specifically advised to release this payment to you either by Telegraphic Transfer into your Designated Account, by a Certified Bank Draft or through special Cash
Delivery/ATM CARD/ONLINE TRANSFER.

The United Nation have agreed with the World Bank that we will release this payment of (US$10.5 Million) to you Via the United Nations Accredited Bank to avoid the hopeless situation created by Officials of the Previous Bank.

Also remember that all you will ever have to spend is $100.00 USD only. nothing more! Nothing less! And we Guarantee the receipt of your Fund to be successfully release to you because, everything has been taken care of, including Taxes papers, Clearance and insurance.

You are advised to send the $100 fee though Steam Wallet or Google play card Only for immediately release of your fund

You are advised to furnish your information and let us know how you wish to receive your Approved Fund so that we can release your fund to you immediately.

Be advised that this is the only delay we have now and you must do what you can to comply with the fee so that we can get this done. we are so sure of everything and we are giving you a 100% Money back Guarantee if you do not receive your payment within the next 48hrs.

CONGRATULATIONS!

Mr.Antonio Guterres
Secretary-General
UNITED NATION (U.N) OFFICE NEW YORK CITY USA  


My pet rock, Seymour, was bored...so I let him have the pleasure of the edited reply:

UNITED NATION (U.N) GENITAL ASSEMBLY NEW YORK CITY USA
Wednesday 8th/5/2019
UNITED NATION (U.N) PLAZA 761, NEW YORK (N.Y) 04221 USA
E-MAIL: (unitednationbn_benin@yahoo.co.id)

ATTENTION: BENEFICERARY OF GENITAL ASSEMBLY,

We write to inform you that it have been authorized by the international community in conjunction with the World Genital Bank to investigate the possibility of your gender switching surgery using genital assembly parts manufactured in Benin.

We have also been empowered to recommend and approve the use of only the finest bamboo and cucumber exteriors for the genital assemblies that we will certify as genuine. During the course of our investigation, we discovered with dismay that substituting piranha genitals has been unnecessarily tried resulted in all sorts of unintended consequences, including the creation of a whole designation of gender neutrals after the replacement parts ate other parts, causing the need for new gender neutral designations.

To forestall this, we of the UN Genital Assembly Line are hereby prohibiting the use of piranha genitals forthwith, and instituting a policy of only those genitals assembled with genuine bamboo and cucumber exteriors has been organized and for the safety of your results we have been specifically advised to release only genuine Benin genital replacement parts to you.  Further, we designate delivery either by Telegraphic Transfer, USPS, osmosis, pornosynthesis, or a specially-trained fleet of fruit bats from our exclusive Benin Air Courier Services UnLtd, any of which can and will deliver unto you your gender switching genital replacement parts at a nominal fee.

The United Nation have agreed that expanding the number of gender designations will open up all sorts of economic possibilities for the genital assembly line here in Benin, which is in other places a totally hopeless situation created by cnn and social jaundiced warriors.

Also remember that all you will ever have to spend is $100.00 USD only for these genuine genital assembly replacement parts and nothing more! The results will not be surprising whatsoever! And we Guarantee that if you are dissatisfied with your purchase and subsequent application of the genital assembly, you can't put the original back in operation so you may as well be satisfied.  

Everything unrelated has been taken care of, including clearance Clarence and roger over...huh?

You are advised to send the $100 fee through the courier fruit bats that deliver your genuine genital assembly parts, since they know the way home and they don't like shrieking people that freak out at their approach.

You are advised to furnish your information and let us know how you wish to receive your UN approved genital assembly replacement parts so that we can release your UN approved genital assembly replacement parts to you immediately.

Be advised that this is the only delay we have now and you must do what you can to comply with the fee so that we can get this done. We are so sure of everything and we are giving you a 100% No Refund Guarantee if you are not satisfied with any of this within the next 48hrs.

Mr.Antonio Guterres
Suckretary Genital
UNITED NATION (U.N) GENITAL ASSEMBLY NEW YORK CITY USA

..a parody unaffiliated with that real life parody, the Cortez broad in Congress  

 

 

Twitter wanted to ban this post, but it isn't posted there.  Nyah.

All In The Surname

What's in a surname?  Nothing that's done Wile Coyote any good.

My character occasionally gets scammers writing to my character simply on accounta cuz of my character's last name.  Like this scammer claims to have done:


ATTN:

A client of mine who died of Heart failure a few months ago leaving behind an estate/capital (US$183M) in a Bank, his sudden death has left him with no time to appoint a next of kin to his estate/capital and for this reason I contact you.

During my private search for the late gentle man relatives your name and email contact was among the findings that matches the same surname as the deceased who died intestate with no Will or next of kin. To maintain the level of security required I have intentionally left out the final details.

Banking regulation/legislation demand that the fiscal authorities should be notified after a statutory time period when dormant accounts of this type are called in by the monetary regulatory bodies if nobody applies to claim the funds.

I urge you to come forward since I can provide you with the details needed for you to claim the estate/capital so that I can be gratify by you, in this way $109,800,000.00 for you and $73,200,000.00 for me. I will do all the crucial/legal part in the Bank to have the claim released to you promptly.Please endeavor to observe utmost discretion in all matters concerning this issue

To affirm your willingness and cooperation,please do so by replying with your Telephone/Fax number.

I do expect your prompt response. 

Thank you,
Andrew Henderson ESQ.  

Yeah...right.

Well, let's see how the scammer likes what my character dun to his email, Ma:

From: Andrew Henderson <barrrandhenderson@gmail.com>
Sent: Wednesday, May 8, 2019 8:24 AM
To: MessypotamianF*kStick101@hotmail.com
Subject: This Is One You Won't Forget Soonest

 

ATTN:

A client of mine died from a rare condition called Flatus Interruptus Implosiva a few months ago, leaving his behind scattered over quite an estate that once had value prior to the event.  After it, now it's a big EPA Super Fund clean up site.  Trust me when I tell you that my client was probably the MOST full of sh*t person I've ever known, next to my esteemed and sauteed self and every democrap running for president in 2020 of course.  His sudden death has left him with no time to appoint a next of kin to his estate and for this reason I contact you.

Do you happen to have access to heavy equipment and bio-hazard clean up materials?  To maintain the level of security required I have intentionally left out the final details.

Environmental regulation/legislation demand that the authorities should be notified after a full environmental impact statement is investigated and filed due to the wide spread nature of the event as it imploded here on the date of occurrence.  An autopsy could not be conducted as my client is thousands of bits and pieces all covered in bio-hazard (aka, feces).

If you have the equipment and the expertise in the field of bio-hazard clean up and environmental reclamation of a Super Fund site in a Third World sh*t hole, I urge you to come forward since I can provide you with the details needed for you to begin immediate work on the limited properties of the impacted estate. 

There is of course a fiscal reward at stake here, but I am reluctant to reveal the particulars at this time, since so many bio-hazardous particulates cover the assets at present.  Just count on it when I say that there is a reward in this for someone.  I will do all the illusionary legal part here near Ground Zero, leaving you the more delicate tasks environmentally.

Please endeavor to observe utmost discretion in all matters concerning this issue...gesundheit.

To affirm your willingness and cooperation,please do so by replying with your Telephone/Fax number.

I do and am count on your prompt response soonest if not soonerer; the longer this is left to task, the worse the miasma becomes.  

 Thank you,
Andrew Henderson ESQ.  

 

A week later and nothing further from Mr. Henderson ESQ.

 

He's probably still in the midst of WTF...

From The Bayford Files

Scammers crack me up.  Especially when they mix up real life with their scam, and make a total muddle of it.

The Adrian and Gilliam Bayford scam has been around for a while; a couple that allegedly won Powerball, and were now "giving away" money to randomly-chosen recipients.

For a fee, of course.  *BUZZZER*

But now, my character gets a scam from...wait for it...waiiiiiiit for it:


Dear Sir,

I am interested in establishing and operating a very viable business as a means of investment. I did not know well on how this will be done in your country, so I will need you to help me in this regard.

My preference is any good profit yielding business and I would appreciate any viable ideas you could come up with. I will also need you to help me look for properties like house and lands for sale as I am proposing to invest a substantial amount of money that accrued to me as a result of my position in my establishment. The modalities for the successful relocation of the financial asset have been clearly worked and details shall be given to you upon the receipt of your response. I do not know if you can and will be of help to me.

For a brief on my personality;

My need for this business proposition and to acquire these properties is very urgent as I am planning to retire from my position as the Vice Chairman of Gulf Investment Council in the European Union region. As a business inclined man, I want you to come up with your individual business/ investment ideas as I will welcome it from the bottom of my heart. I also hope to meet with you in Africa, Asia or Europe during the course of our investment deliberations to fine tune our investment plans. Do get back to me for more details if you are Interested in working with me on the noble project.

Please I expect your good and prompt reply so that we can proceed swiftly on how the fund can be sent to you.

Looking forward for your urgent response.

Best Regards,
Mr. Gillian Adrian Bayford  


Nice changing around of the name...and the scam.


Once again...*BUZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZER*...epic *FAIL*.  Especially when edited:


From: Mrs. Gillian Adrian Bayford, <mr.gillian.adbayfod@gmail.com>
Sent: Thursday, May 9, 2019 12:40 AM
Subject: Looking askance at your peculiar respond

 

Dear Gender Neutral Non-Binary Being,

I am interested in establishing and operating a very shoddy, chicanerous business as a means of committing fiscal incest in a manure of speaking.  I have done this everywhere I've tried, but I confess that I did not know well on how this will be done in your country until I spoke to democraps who are well versed on how to commit chicanery on a number of levels.  Of course, they didn't want any evidence pointed directly at them, so they gave me your name and thus I will need you to help me in this regard.

My preference is any business involving inflatable sex toys that look like Hellary Clinton, Bela Pelosi, Maxipad Waters and other Helen-Thomas-lookalikes in the DNC there.  Yoda would have been at home with such looks; not so much with their stunning lacks of intellect and integrity, but eh...what does a green 900 year old sock puppet know about that kinda stuff?  I would appreciate any viable ideas you could come up with as long as it evolves around inflatable sex toys that resemble the aforementioned. I will also need you to help me look for properties in places where asylum can be established once the authorities figure out what the f**k is going on with this scheme of mine...which of course they'll trace to you, because that's how the democraps told me to rig it.  The modalities for how to totally clusterf**k this operation have been clearly worked and the sordid and perverse details shall be given to you upon the receipt of your response.

I do not know if you are possessed of a single-digit IQ like that Cortez broad from NYC, but if you are, that can and will be of help to me.

For a brief on my exceptionally peculiar personality:

My need for violating virgin knot holes is very urgent as I am planning to retire from my position as the Vice Chairman of the fly-infested internet cafe where I am in charge of coming up with the templates used to dupe the rest of the world, especially in the European Union region as well as Newark. As a gender neutral non-binary being inclining toward octosexual orthopodism, I want for much in the way of self-gratification part of life.  I will welcome it from the bottom of my re-organized and re-structured gender neutral genitals. I also hope to meet with you in Africa, Asia or in the massage parlor in the basement of the Democrap National Committee in DC, to fine tune our efforts to come up with a new dossier that implicates Trump in collusion with Uranus 36 years ago to steal Hellary's virginity using cattle futures at the Rose Law Firm that committed suicide after Wikileaks found her hacked emails mixed with Bill the Cat's hairballs in a lock box owned by CNN.

Trusting that you've not read this too closely, do get back to me for more details if you are Interested in working with me on this a wholly unsavory project.

Please I expect your good and prompt reply so that I can let the democraps know that I found a sucker for this schtick of theirs.

Looking forward for your ignorance-based response.

Best Regards,
Mrs. Gillian Adrian Bayford

soon to become gender unassumable with some assembly required  

 

 

The scammer didn't get back to my character, so I think I can assume that he/she/it isn't looking so forward to working with my character on much of anything.