The Devil Shoulda Went Down To Georgia

The title will make sense at the end.

Got me a couple-three live ones h'yar.

Here's how it all started:

Please I know you don't know me but please hear me out and save my life.

My parents were traveling for a wedding ceremony in the northern part of the country and had a fatal accident. Both died!. Since their death I have been getting all manner of bad treatment from his brothers. My uncle took all his properties and business. Their wives are even wearing my mom's clothes and this makes me cry always.

The reason am writing you is because my dad's bank refused to give me the money he had in the bank here which my name was put as the inheritor saying that I must reach 25 years before they give it to me unless older person stands for me and none of his brother know about this money.

Please I want you to stand for me they will send you the money so I can come to your country and continue my education because if I stay more here they will kill me . 

I promise to give you half of the money when you secure it and then you will hold all the money, just be paying my school fees and feeding. When you reply I will tell you the amount and we will discuss more for me to have more trust on you. I am 18 and the only child.

Cordially

Christine J Jerome

Please reply to: mycontactss@yandex.com   

 

 

She caught my character on a particularly sarcastic day:

 

 

In reading your missive, every internal instinct and heart string within me cries out, "it sucks to be you".  I yawn and I'm over it.  

 

 

Christine don' read too well:

 

Good Morning Jack Ewehoff and thank you very much for your response.

I have been sending this email from the other email address and it is not going that is why i am sending it from this one. Please reply here. The amount is $4.8M and I live in Africa.

Please what I need you to do for me is to secure the money from the bank where it is deposited, you will keep it in your bank account then send me some money to take care of my travel expenses to come over to your country to continue my education.  My uncle is very very wicked he does not want to take care of me and he has stopped my education so I want to get out of here and go to another country and continue my education. 

I spoke with the bank manager on phone a moment ago and he to asked me to tell you to send me the following:

Your full names

Your complete address

Your cell phone number

A valid copy of your identification card or passport

Your occupation.

When you send  them I will take it to him so he will contact you to arrange on how and when to bring the money to you.

Please send me your passport and pictures also so I will know you and have more trust on you before they send you the money.

Please reply me.

Thank you,

Christine Jerome. 

 

With your reading comprehension being what it is, it adds one more reason to suck being you.

 

 

It soon becomes clear that neither does her accomplice in this scam as he weighs in next:

 

 

Dear Jack Ewehoff,

Ms.Christine Jerome came to my office this morning to inform me that you are  the one who will secure the money ($4.8M) which her late father deposited in our bank. She say you will also aid her in enrolling in a school.  I am compelled to write you myself to know if this is true or not.  Once I receive your return mail we will shall start the process .

Regards,

Prince Wilson Dara  

 

Game on:

 

 

"Prince"?  Is that a name or a title? 

Speaking to truth:  yes, Christine Jerome does in fact believe that I am her savior.

I can't help what she believes, but that's what she believes.  

 

 

Prince is a  tittle. 

So you dont want to help her?   

 

 

So you claim to be a bona fide tittled prince?  Interesting.

As I said, Christine Jerome believes that I'm here to be her savior.  Perhaps it will be so.  That's up to her tittled prince banker at this point.    

 am not claiming to be a Prince that is my bona fide tittle.

I will make arrangement to bring the money cash to you through a fiduciary agency.  Regards,

Prince Wilson Dara  

 

 

If you're not a prince, why would you have a tittle that suggests that you are?  That makes no sense.

Tittles mean something...somewhere. 

 

 

Never mind my tittle I will have a meeting with the  fiduciary agency this evening to know what  it will take them to bring the money by cash to you in the US.  

 

 

I'll be the judge of minding your tittle. Just don't email me too early tomorrow; I sleep in on weekends.  

 

 

In the meantime, Christine wants to check on how things is going:

 

Good Evening,

Please are you still talking with  the bank,what is the situation?

Christine Jerome    

Yes, I am.  I have speaked with your tittled prince several times.  I reckon we'll have some more speaks before we are done.    

 

And with that, it's back in the tittled prince's court:  
 

Good Morning  Jack Ewehoff,

I had a meeting with the fiduciary agency yesterday evening and they told me the documents that are needed for them to bring the money to you. It is in he region of $5,500 and I think I will pay them the money from the bank so when he comes and hand over the money to you , you will give him back the money to bring back to me so I will pay back the bank.

Regards,

Prince Wilson Dara    
 

Oh sure.  I'll be happy as a bearded clam to pay you $5,500.  Soon as I find a bearded clam that's happy about that.   

Good Morning  Jack Ewehoff,

 We have concluded everything . The diplomat have departed and will be in USA tomorrow, he will call  you once he lands to arrange how to meet you in order to hand over the money you.

Keep us informed.

Regards,

Prince Wilson Dara    
 

Fine.  Hope he lands at the right airport.  Airlines don't just lose luggage, y'know.    
 

It's at this point that the tittled one forgets who he's supposed to be:

 

 

Good Evening Jack Ewehoff,

I dont know where he will land but he was given your phone number and other data of yours so he will contact you to arrange how to see you.

Best regards,

Jonathan woodgate  

 

 

What happened to the tittled prince dara?  He step on a duck or something?  I hope he properly briefed you on this scheme, otherwise you'll have sent the diplomat to the wrong place.  I'll look forward to see where he winds up.  

 

 

Good morning Jack Ewehoff,

I did not send the diplomat the wrong place.  Why you say that?  He will contact you when he arrive so you be ready to receive him.

Regards,

Jonathan woodgate  

 

 

I say that because of wee little inconsistencies emanating from your end of the email stream.  Beware of flash floods in such email streams...you could get a catfish right in the puss.  Just you get the diplomat to the right airport and don't let them lose him or his luggage.  

 

Comes this morning, and the "diplomat" has apparently arrived.  Somewhere.  And he's calling the number my character gave the scammers.  A fax line no one answers.  So the "diplomat" whines first to Christine Jerome:

The diplomat is complaining that the number you gave him is fax number.  He has landed and has been calling you but gets fax tune.

He is stranded and wants to get in touch with you.    

 

Why is the dummy calling a fax number?  I'm never going to answer a fax number.What is the matter with him?    

 

 Then we hear from "Prince" again: 

 

Good Morning  Jack Ewehoff,

The diplomat is already in the USA and he said he has been calling and getting fax tune only and you are not picking.

Please keep your phone open so he will get you on phone.

Regards

Prince Wilson Dara

 

 Well, where the hell did he land?  If he didn't land near me, what good is telephonic communication?  Tell him to land in Denver at DIA.  Then he and I can meet.  Anywhere else...phfft.  He might as well be a lost suitcase.  And would you and Jonathan Woodgate get on the same page?  


Provide us with good telephone number where he  can reach you.  


You instruct him this:

1. Fly to Denver
2. Tell me when he is scheduled to arrive
3. Get me the name of the airline he's arriving on
4. I will meet him

It doesn't get any easier than this.  Unless you or he, or both, are incompetent.    

 

*Jeopardy Theme* while we wait to find out what the competency level is...and we learn that from dear Christine:


Good Afernoon,

You were the one who provided the phone number he called. I wonder why you are ranting.

You were informed that he will call you when he lands.why do you leave the man stranded?

Christine Jerome   

Ranting?  Really?

I simply insisted that the diplomat fly into the closest location to me so that we could meet in person.  How totally unreasonable of me.  You clowns won't tell me where he is -- if you even know yourself -- and guide him to the location I told the bank to have him come to.  My phone number is meaningless if he isn't at the right airport.

I deal in cash and in person.  He needs to be HERE to complete the deal.  Not at some nameless airport in the lost luggage section.  I've already told the bank that.  Now I'm telling you.  One of you needs to tell him to get out of the lost luggage area and fly to Denver.  You then let me know when he's to arrive in Denver and on which airline, and I will see to the rest to bring this to the conclusion it was meant to have.

See how simple?  Now you and the bank stop your ranting childish temper tantrums and get this back on track.  You've been told how to do this.  Success or failure is wholly up to y'all now.

 

 

Cue further scammer indignation in 3...2...1...:

 

Good morning Jack Ewehoff,

 

The diplomat is already in the USA and at an airport stranded because you not give him a talking phone number to reach you.  You must do this now.  He cannot stay stranded long.  Give me a number now.

 

Regards,

Jonathan woodgate

 

 

What happened to Prince Dara?  Did you lose him too?  Whoever books your flights there needs to be fired and replaced by an Amazon Alexa thingee.  The NSA loves listening in on those things.  I've already told you how to fix YOUR f**k-up and the only way you can fix it.  You, the prince, Christine and this diplomat now living in a lost luggage environment all need to achieve the same page of understanding.  SEND THE DIPLOMAT TO DENVER.  DEN...VER.  The airport is D..I..A.  The one with the giant white tent and demonic blue horse statue.  Tell me when he arrives and on what airline, and we can achieve the results this deal was intended to achieve all along.  We cannot do that from a distant airport over a phone.  You sabe chop chop?

 

Meantime, there's Christine again:


He said he has also emailed you still no response. I dont understand all these    


When did "he" email me?  Who is "he"?  I have received no email from anyone calling hisself "diplomat".  Is he totally incompetent or what?  Can't he get out of the lost luggage storage at whatever airport he's in and get to Denver?  This is all "diplomat" has to do to bring this to its rightful conclusion.

And all of a sudden, out of a jumble of email comes this from the "diplomat":

Hello Mr Jack Ewehoff,

My name is Mr Charles Wilson, a diplomat. I was the one that came to the US to deliver your money to you.  The TSA is holding your trunk at the airport they say you should pay the sum of $1982 for a document they called AUTOMATED ENTRY PROCESSING CERTIFICATE (AEPC202) before they could release the trunk to enable me to start coming to your place.

Again provide me  with a good phone number that I can send text to and call.

Get back

Regards,

Charles Wilson  

 

 

Is this THE Charlie Wilson?  Good Time Charlie from Charlie Wilson's War?  What airport are you lost in?

 

 Meanwhile, Christine tries to be helpful in finding the lost diplomat...even in the spam folder:


He is Mr Charles Wilson.check your mail very well even the spam folder  


Charles Wilson?  If he's in my spam folder, will I find him under "Charles", under "Wilson", or under "diplomat lost with luggage at unknown airport"?


But first, back to Chuck:

I am at Dulles International airport here in Washington DC.

TSA is holding your trunk until I submit the required document.

Please send them the money to procure the document so will start coming immediately.  

 

 

Chuck, Chuck Chuck:  didn't nobody communicate with you before you got lost with the luggage at Dullass Airport?  Denver, Bunkie....Denver is where you need to fly.  Denver is where I am.  Me.  Here.  Denver.  You fly into DIA...I meet you at the plane...I hand you money, you hand me document, and our business is done.  Simple. Quick.  Easy.  So get yourself out of the lost luggage at Dullass Airport and fly to Denver.  Rocky Mountain High...Denver.  This is where it's happening, dig?

Now Chuck gets his dander up a tad:


Jack Ewehoff I try call you but your number is faxes toning so I do not get to speech with you.  I am at Dulles Airport with TSA and this is where I need your money to be send now.  Only this way can we conclude our business.    


Wrong, Bunkie:  I am HERE.  My money is HERE.  Denver.  Not Dullass.  You pack your happy ass up out of the lost luggage, tell TSA to kiss your grits, get on or in the plane, I care not which, and fly to DENVER with the consignment.  Once you do that, I meet you at the plane.  IN DENVER.  I hand you the money.  IN DENVER.  You hand me the consignment.  IN DENVER.  The simple common denominator here:  IN DENVER.  Do it now before fares increase for some bogus holiday.  

This is were our plane landed and that is where I am  now. Send them the money so they will release your trunk to enable me come.   I am not the one that needs the money you will have to send it to them to issue the document

Your lost-with-the-luggage ass is accomplishing NOTHING in Dullass, Bunkie.  Denver is where you need to be.  Denver is where I am.  Denver is where my money is.  Stop being geographically-challenged and get to Denver.  That's where I'm settling down. 

Just for fun, my character follows up with this email to all three of my dissolute scammers:


Now that you have identified your geography-challenged diplomat, and now that he has figured out where he is lost, here is what the bank and Christine need to do:  tell Chuck to get his ass out of the lost-luggage area of Dullass Airport and back on a plane that flies to Denver.  D-E-N-V-E-R.  Colorado.  DIA.  Once he does that, I can meet him here.  In Denver.  It's where I am.  It's everywhere he wants to be if he wants to conclude this business and stop being a part of the lost luggage at Dullass.  I am here.  My money is here.  This is where it goes down.  All roads to a successful conclusion to this business lead to DENVER.  Me.  In Denver.  So get him booked on the next flight to Denver.  


First back to my character is Chuck:


They wont release the trunk to me to start coming unless I submit the required document. There is no way I can leave here  


Sounds like it sucks to be you, Chuck.  You should have flown to the right airport with the right document and you wouldn't be stranded with the lost luggage, eating over-priced, poor-quality hotdogs now.  You best tell the Bank folks to get you routed to Denver, since they sent you in the first place.  This is their mess to straighten out.
 

I had to loop the *Jeopardy Theme* a few times while awaiting a reply from any of the dissolute trio.  Finally this from the 'stranded with the luggage' diplomant:


   There is absolutely no way  I can leave here without submitting the document they required. The bank insist that they have no more money to put into this that you should help me out since am in US. I am stranded here. Try to send them the money so they will issue and bring the required document to enable me proceed.  


The bank "have no more money to put into this"?  Oh yeah???  This goes to all three:



The "bank" doesn't have the *money*???  What the flying fish F**K is a line of total bullsh*t like that?  Are you REALLY that stupid, Chuck?  What is a bank full of???  MONEY!!!!!  And they can damned sure dip into the little bit they are responsible for to get you to Denver.  They sent you.  What did they use to send you in the first place, green stamps???  They f**ked up by sending you to a place I wasn't.  It's THEIR f**k up.  It's up to THEM to fix THEIR F**K UP.  It's that simple.  You work for some real sh*t birds, Chuck.  And while we're on the subject, didn't those SH*T BIRDS give you a ROUND TRIP TICKET???  The more I hear from you, the more I am convinced I am dealing with the stupidest mother**kers in the entire Solar System.  How can any *bank* that allegedly handles MILLIONS, work like this?  Answer:  a *real* bank doesn't.  But Platinum Trust Bank....don't work or act like a *real* bank.  Christine, you started this...did anyone on your end think ANY of this through at all???

The Three Stooges or the Marx Brothers would have done better.  Bank, you f**ked it up...you fix it.  I'm in Denver.  Get Chuck here.  It's entirely and totally your responsibility and totally UP TO YOU.  You BROKE it...you FIX it.  

 

 

The *bank* is quicker to reply to that:

 

 

We are not saying that we do not have money in our coffers, no do not misunderstand us,what we mean is that we do not have any more  money to spend on this particular transaction.

He is in your country why not liaise with him to get to you.

Yes he has his return ticket. We paid for that.

We took about $5500 from here to take care of all the delivery. Why cant you help to get him to you and hand over the money.

Best regards

Prince Wilson Dara  

 

 

No mercy from h'yar:

 

 

You knowingly sent him to the WRONG airport.  You HAD my physical address.  Look at a map, Prince Dunderhead.  Dullass is outside of Warshington, DC.  I am outside of Denver, CO.  Two-thirds of this fine country is between Warshington DC and Denver.  YOU SENT YOUR DIPLOMANT TO THE WRONG AIRPORT.  YOU DID THAT.  It is YOUR RESPONSIBILITY to get him to the RIGHT AIRPORT.  Once you do that, this business can conclude in the way it was always intended to.  Furthermore, I point out that you are a BANK.  YOU originally told me I needed to pay $5500.  Suddenly your diplomant is telling me I need to pay $1982.  And that he is stranded...stranded, yet you say that he has a RETURN TICKET.  And that you have no money left.  At least, you claim to have no money left FOR THIS.  Did they not teach you anything about basic GEOGRAPHY, basic MATH, and about keeping basic FACTS STRAIGHT there?  YOU sent him.  YOU sent him to the WRONG AIRPORT. 

 

So he is NOT stranded.  He can return from whenst you sent him.  OR...you can successfully conclude this deal by redoing his ticket and getting him from Warshington DC to Denver.  That's where I am:  Denver.  Not DC.  That's where you need to get him to:  Denver.  That's where I am, and that's where this business sees fruition.  His travel is not my responsibility to pay for.  His travel is YOUR RESPONSIBILITY TO PAY FOR.

You and he has wasted valuable time.  You waste more arguing a point you've already and repeatedly lost.  GET HIM TO DENVER.  DO IT NOW...TODAY.  

 

 

And to turn the screws a tad further:

 

 

Chuck, I am going to Denver International Airport.  I am going to check into a hotel there and give you until tomorrow evening to show up.  If you don't, you and Platinum Trust Bank blew this tee-totally.  And the f**k up is 100% yours.  You OWN it.  Christine, next time mix with a better quality of associates.  You screwed the pooch here.  

 

 

That elicits this reply from Missy:

 

 

You dont need to go there , the best you will do is to help the diplomat come  

 

 

Help the diplomat WHAT???  You're the correct sex to do that, Chrissie.  Don't tell me you idiots don't know which bathroom to use where you're from???

Christine may be many things including not a Christine, but she seemed to figure that one out:


i do not understand what you just say.  you are not serious what you just say!


Serious as hell, Babycakes.  You want Chucky to come, you do it.


Something finally appears  to have *clicked* in Cranial Void Land with that exchange as nothing more is heard from the bank or Chuck...just this last blurb from the one what started it all, Christine:


I count on you  and fail me.  You not nice man.  


I'm not a calculator Babycakes.  And you're not an English major or Dr. Ruth.  Between you and your inept bank, you left your diplomant stranded in lost luggage at the wrong airport, unable to come or breathe hard.  Still, it could have been worse.  He could have been stranded in Newark...he'd be in an Elizabeth NJ pawn shop by now.  If by some miracle whip you manage to retrieve your lost diplomant and ever want to try again, just email me back you summana  beech 'cuz I'm the best there's ever been.  'Cept against Charlie Daniels on a fiddle.  


The Devil'd be wise to avoid Charlie D, me...and Newark.