Skunkfeathers: Calling All Dupes

If the character wasn't long dead, I could easily be convinced that this latest email scam comes from Chief Inspector Clouseau, rather than the "Metropolitan Police UK".

Read it and see why:

My names is INSPECTOR WALMSLEY GEOFFREY ROBERT from METROPOLITAN POLICE UK, there is presently a counter claims on your funds by one MR.JOHN LEWIS, who is presently trying to make us believe that you are dead and even explained that you entered into an agreement with him before your death, to help you in receiving your fund US$10,502,000.00 So here comes the big question.

Did you sign any Deed of Assignment in favor of ( JOHN LEWIS ),He further claimed that you died on the 26/MARCH/2018 and you have been buried , thereby making him the current beneficiary with his following account details:

MR JOHN LEWIS,
AC/NUMBER: 6503809428.
ROUTING/122006743,
B/NAME:Bank Of American ( B.O.A ),
ADDRESS:NEW YORK,USA,

We shall proceed to issue all payments details to the said Mr. John Lewis, if we do not hear from you within the next two working days from today.

Kindly provide us the below informations about yourself :

Your Name :
Full Contact Address:
Date of Birth :
Contact Phone Number :
Contact Fax Number (if any) :
Contact Email Address:

You should provide us with the above information asap, if you want to claim your Fund today.

Thanks

INSPECTOR WALMSLEY GEOFFREY ROBERT

Just the kind of email that makes you jump right up and get all excited to find out that people think you're dead and you have millions in an account with the Bank of American *snort* that you have been, up to now, blissfully unaware of.

Yawp.

This one had *edit* writ all over it, and that's what my character went and dun to his email:

From: METROPOLITAN POLICE UK <email1@manofwrld2019.ga>
Sent: Sunday, March 17, 2019 2:45 PM
To: jackofnotradesmasterofbaiter101@hotmail.com
Subject: ARE YOU TRULY DEAD OR ALIVE AND/OR COGNIZANT OF THAT FACT ALONG WITH OTHERS?

Attention,

Note: if you're a trained investigator like me, you'll note what I just did in my opening sentence below:

My names is INSPECTOR WALMSLEY GEOFFREY ROBERT from METROPOLITAN POLICE UK. The 'UK' stands for United Kingdom, and not University of Kentucky Fried Chicken, which sorta kinda matters on the eve of the start of March Madness. In a brief aside, have you bloody well filled out your brackets yet, wankers? If not, crikey...you bloody well better get off the bum and get it in before tonight. Now back from my digression.

Representing myself to be a trained investigator with the Metropolitan Police UK, this should suggest that I am a crime fighter...an adherent of law enforcement...one of the good guys.

And unicorns crap Neapolitan ice cream at Baskin-Robbins.

If that were so, then I bloody wouldn't be here with this whacking great pile of bad haggis, laying on you a far-fetched tale that there is presently a counter claims on your funds by one MR.JOHN LEWIS, who is presently trying to make us believe that you are dead and even explained that you entered into an agreement with him before your death, to help you in receiving your fund US$10,502,000.00.

But here I am, doing that. So here comes the big question.

Are you bloody moronic enough to believe that (a) I am what I say I am (b) you have what I say you have (c) someone else is trying to get what I say you have and (d) that Trump colluded with the Russians to kill off all the dinosaurs so there'd be oil to make money off of millions of years after the fact? To further amuse someone out there, he further claimed that you died on the 26/MARCH/2018 and you have been buried in a purple ascot and golf knickers, wearing the hat that Rodney Dangerfield thought to be the worst hat he ever saw and that if you bought it you'd get a free bowl of soup.

Are you following me so far? If not, no map or compass will help. Don't expect Uber to pick you up based on this either.

So here we are, tottering on the border of Namby-Pamby Land, thereby leaving you the single most ridiculous decision you'll never have to make if you have at least three working brain cells: and that is if you do with this email what you orta, rather than stupidly answering it thinking you're really entitled to anything mentioned herein. Personally, I can't wait to see just how stupid you are.

So if you are of tree stump-level intellect -- like the morons that elected democraps in 2018 -- get back to me on the following:

MR JOHN LEWIS,
AC/NUMBER: 6503809428.
ROUTING/122006743,
B/NAME:Bank Of American ( B.O.A ),
ADDRESS:NEW YORK,USA,

If you is alive but don't care about the nonsense above, we shall proceed to issue all payments details to the said Mr. John Lewis if we do not hear from you within the next two working days from today.

If you is dead and don't therefore care to find the time to reply, this will be fully understood, even by the operators we dug up to have standing by in case someone actually replies to this.

Then again, if you are an intellectual liberal fecal deposit, kindly provide us the below informations about yourself :

Your Name :
Full Contact Address:
Date of Birth :
Contact Phone Number :
Contact Fax Number (if any) :
Contact Email Address:

You should provide us with the above information asap, if you want to do the online equivalent of getting pied in the face today.

Thanks until we meet again and the case is solve-ed,

INSPECTOR WALMSLEY GEOFFREY ROBERT

METROPOLITAN POLICE UK

"We're into busts...the bigger she has, the better"