More FBI *FAIL*

No, Cloris Leachman from Young Frankenstein has nothing to do with FBI email scams.

Other than in passing in the edit.

More on that in a bit.

Scam emails, purportedly from the FBI, seem all the rage of late.  So little credibility and so many new and different directors to choose from, the scammers apparently think that if they try enough, they'll come up with an FBI scam letter that 'clicks' with the gullible out there.

Kinda like Hellary Clinton and John Kasich, thinking they can con voters into electing them president.

Here's the latest effort to give my character the business from the formerly venerated organization, under the title of World Bank Grants:


FEDERAL BUREAU OF INVESTIGATIONS
J.EDGAR HOOVER BUILDING935 PENNSYLVANIA AVENUE,
NW WASHINGTON, D.C. 20535-0001
OFFICE OF THE DIRECTOR.
Christopher A. Wray

NOTICE!!!

Our Ref: (Ref Vibe # FRS/019223/UN00155127/CONTRACT E/615AX).

To. Beneficiary:


 We use this opportunity to confirm from you if really you have sent your Doctor as a representative. However, we received an email from one Dr. Mrs. Verani Bekti yesterday who told us that she is your private Doctor and next of kin and that you died of cancer recently. Her contact details:  Address: 110 Interglen Avenue, River Vale, New Jersey 07675. Beneficiary: Dr Mrs Verani Bekti. But from our findings through FIRS (TAX RECORD) we could not find any death record about you.
Please confirm to us immediately that you are alive.

 Note that we are bound to recognize Dr. Mrs Verani Bekti's claim if you fail to promptly respond.
We decided to write to your email and if there is no reply of this message from you within 48 hrs it will be assumed that her information is correct then we shall work with your representative and do what she has requested.

 An irrevocable payment guarantee has been issued by the United Nations (UN) and the International Monetary Fund (IMF) on your Payment. However, we are happy to inform you that based on our recommendation/Instructions you’re complete Compensation fund of USD$4,000,000.00 through a secured/certified mode of payment.


YOU ARE ADVISED TO FOLLOW THIS INSTRUCTION STRICTLY.
CONTACT AGENT Aubrey Farrar Sr.
E-MAIL: fbi.ci.go@hotmail.com

Best Regard,
Christopher A. Wray
Director
FEDERAL BUREAU OF INVESTIGATION  


About as convincing as the rest of their ploys.

Mayhaps the edit I sent back will work with a couple or so of their peers that I included in receiving the edit:

From: FEDERAL BURRITO OF INVEGGIEATION <info@fbi.gov.org>
Sent: Wednesday, November 14, 2018 1:17 AM
To: Recipients
Subject: WORLD GRANTS THAT YAKS HAVE RIGHTS TO WEASEL SEX

 

FEDERAL BURRITO OF INVEGGIEATION
J. HEADGUARD HEEVER BUILDING

499 S Capitol St SW · (202) 479-1237

WASHINGTON, D.C. 20535-0001

OFFICE OF THE MISDIRECTOR.

James "Twerp" Comey

NOTICE!!!

Our Ref: (Ref Vibe # FRS/019223/UN00155127/CONTWACT E/615AX).

To Whom It Should Concern If You're The Whom Referenced Herein:

Instead of using a bugged potted plant, surveillance drone or authentic microphone-hogging Jim Acosta Toilet Paper dispenser that's all the rage at cnn in Atlanta, we use this opportunity to confirm from you if really you (a) have sent your Doctor as a representative (b) if that doctor is one Dr. Mrs. Verani Bekti, if (c)  yesterday she told us that she is your private Doctor and next of kin and (d) that you died of Implosive painful rectal itch of the sinus passage recently.

If you are, in fact, as described in (d), we will need to confirm this.  Therefore, we have a paid psychic medium standing by with ITC equipment, prepared to reach out to you across the Astral Bridge and hear sworn testymonkey from your esteemed and deceased self that you are, in fact, as dead as a can of corned beef.  And, we aren't hesitant to assert, that's pretty well and good dead to be in that condition.

From your doctor -- who resembles Cloris Leachman in Young Frankenstein -- we have these contact details:  Address: 110 Interglen Avenue, River Vale, New Jersey 07675. But from our findings through FIRS (TAX RECORD) we could not find any connection between you and the International Crustacean Obedience Training Institute, located in Vaduz, Liechtenstein.  And this too, she laid claim to having been deeded from you upon your asserted-to demise.

So whatever the flying fish f**k you are, please confirm to us immediately that you are alive, dead, or in a suspended pickled state like Hellary Clinton.

Note:  e-flat.  Add to that we are bound to recognize Dr. Mrs Verani Bekti's claim if you prove to be dead, or are at least as intellectually stunted as Alexandra Ocasio-Cortez.

We decided to write to your email and if there is no reply of this message from you within 48 hrs it will be assumed that her information is correct then we shall work with your representative and do what she has requested.

An irrevocable stay of execution of flying kumquat hors d'oeuvres guarantee has been issued by the United Nations Suckretary Genital and the International Monkeytary Fund (IMF) regarding the outcome of our communications with your live or dead self.  However, we can confirm that you are NOT on the POTUS's short list of pending Supreme Court nominees, so you will be spared being accused of having sexually molested a coat rack at a frat party in a location not remembered by anyone who wasn't there, give or take 36 years ago, by a collection of democrap activists who have nothing but illicit fantasies about sex with sock puppets and door knobs.

YOU ARE ADVISED TO FOLLOW THIS INSTRUCTION STRICTLY.
CONTACT AGENT Aubrey Farrar Sr.
E-MAIL: fbi.ci.go@hotmail.com

Whatever they tell you to do, don't.

Best Regard,

Robert Mueller
MisDirector
FEDERAL BURRITO OF INVEGGIEATION  

 

 

No response was received from this latest incarnation of the FBI.

 

Cloris Leachman probably did the trick.

Not So Mahvellous In Scam Land

He's baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack.  And even more quacked up than before.

I give you...Barrister Marvellous Duke, SAN.

At least, so says he.  And he proves it with this wonderfully photo shopped passport.

His angle isn't any better than before:


TEMPLE CHAMBERS $ ASSOCIATES

(LEGAL PRACTITIONER)

No: 85, Western Avenue,

Surulere, Lagos.

Email " barristermarvellous200@gmail.com

CALL : +234- 8024627935

    PLEASE AND KINDLY RESPOND TO THIS MY PRIVATE EMAIL (  barristermarvellous200@gmail.com  ).

   

     Dear Friend,

 

        It is obvious that this proposal will come to you as a surprise; this is because we have not met before but I am inspired to sending you this email following the huge fund transfer opportunity that will be of mutual benefit to both of us. However, I am Barrister Marvellous Duke, SAN, Attorney to the late Engr.Ronald Johnson a national of Northern American, who used to work with Shell Petroleum Development Company (SPDC) in Nigeria On the 11th of November, 2002. My client, his wife and their three children were involved in a car accident along Sagamu/Lagos Express Road.

 

      Unfortunately they all lost their lives in the event of the accident, since then I have made several inquiries to several Embassies to locate any of my clients extended relatives, this has also proved unsuccessful. After these several unsuccessful attempts, I decided to trace his relatives over the Internet to locate any member of his family but of no avail, hence I contacted you.

 

       I contacted you to assist in repatriating the money and property left behind by my client; I can easily convince the bank with my legal practice that you are the only surviving relation of my client. Otherwise the Estate he left behind will be confiscated or declared  not serviceable by the bank where these huge deposits were  lodged.

 

       Particularly, the Bank where the deceased had an account valued at about $15 million U.S dollars (Fifteen million U.S. America dollars).Consequently, The bank issued me a notice to provide the next of kin or have the account confiscated within the next ten official working days.

Since I have been unsuccessful in locating the relatives for over several  years now.

 

     I seek your consent to present you as the next of kin to the deceased, so that the proceeds of this account valued at $15million U.S dollars can be paid to your account and then you and I can share the money, 50% to me and 50% to you.

 

All I require is your honest cooperation to enable us see this deal through and also forward the following to me:

 

1, Your Full Name:.......

2, Your House Address:.......

3, Your Country:............  State:,,,,,

4, Your Contact Telephone ......

5, Your Age:,,,,,, and Gender:....

6, Your Occupation: ..........

7. Your Marital Status,,,,,,,

 

     I guarantee that this will be executed under a legitimate arrangement that will protect you from any breach of the law.

Please get in touch with me VIA this my confidential email ( barristermarvellous200@gmail.com )

 

Yours Faithfully,

BARRISTER MARVELOUS DUKE, SAN.  

 

 

Having been already down this road once, my character thought that this reply would nix the deal:

 

 

Still pushing the same quack there, Bannister Duck? 

 

 

The bannister is in that mode where what I write doesn't seem to matter; that I responded at all is the only thing that counts:

 

 

PLEASE AND QUICKLY FILL THE BELOW GAPS, WITH YOUR PERSONAL INFORMATION, AND RETURN BACK TO ME.

 

 

 1, Your  Full Name:.......
2, Your  House Address:.......
3, Your  Country:............
4, Your  State:........
5,  Your Contact Telephone ......
6,  Your Age:.........     and  Gender:....
7,   Your Occupation: ..........
8.  Your Marital Status..........

 

             Dear  Beneficiary:,   Jack Ewehoff.
               I  firstly thank you for having time, out of none, to respond back to my proposal letter, sent to you but   without   your personal information, therein, as requested from you, to fully, legally and officially indicate your kin interest as the chosen and presented next of kin to the fund of $15M US Dollars, Late depositor, "LATE ENGINEER RONALD JOHNSON" and rightful beneficiary to the fund, in question, respectively.
       

    MORE DETAILS, OF THIS PROPOSAL LETTER, I SENT TO YOU.
========================================================

          After the sudden and unfortunate  death of this fund depositor,  as my client, "'LATE ENGINEER RONALD JOHNSON'" , on 11th November, 2002, presicely, here in Nigeria, but he was a nationality of 'NORTHERN AMERICA', The management of WEMA BANK PLC, HEAD OFFICE, NIGERIA, assigned me as his family lawyer, to search deligently for any of his remaining relatives to have this fund claimed for the rest of the family but after many years of searching but all in vain, I decided to contact you, to stand for me, as the search out relative to work with me and have this fund claimed and transferred into your account, for both of us to share on the 50 50 percentages, that is all, my good friend.

         

          SUBMISSION OF YOUR APPLICATION TO THE MANAGEMENT OF WEMA BANK PLC, HEAD OFFICE, LAGOS, NIGERIA, IMMEDIATELY YOU RESPOND  BACK TO THIS CORRESPONDENCE, AS EXPECTED.
==================================================================

                 This transaction, as an "INTERNATIONAL ONE", with protocols, laws, rules and regulations, to be observed, as listed below and both of us have to follow the protocols, up, accordingly,  to enable us have this great expectation, achieved to become people  of substances and virtues, in our families and  societies at large, that is if both of us can believe in each other, understand ourselves, show willingness and maximum co-operation, then sky becomes our starting point, of our tremendous, wealth, success, progress and favor, to the glory of almighty God but I don"t know how to put it and  to convince you that this transaction is never, a scam, dubious, hoax, pranks but real, genuine, authentic, legal and official, as being signed and approved by the "FEDERAL MINISTRY OF FINANCE, ABUJA, NIGERIA, IN COLLABORATION WITH WEMA BANK PLC, HEAD OFFICE, LAGOS, NIGERIA", respectively.

         Therefore, your seriousness, willingness, commitment, focus and maximum co-operation with me, will trigger, encourage and ginger me to quickly have your application submitted to the management of the above mentioned bank, for the legal and official continuity of this transaction with you, successfully and respectively, according to their banking laws, rules and regulations, immediately you urgently respond back to me, as expected and advised.

     

.
       PROCURING AND OBTAINING OF ALL THE DOCUMENTS TO BACK YOUR CLAIM OF THIS FUND, UP, LEGALLY AND OFFICIALLY, AS GOING TO BE REQUESTED FROM YOU, BY WEMA BANK PLC, HEAD OFFICE, LAGOS, NIGERIA.
==================================================================================

           At this juncture,  With my profession, prestige and personality, in my great country, Nigeria, I must surely procure all the bank"s requested documents from you, to back your claim of this fund up, legally and officially, according to their banking systems, laws, rules and regulations, which I will procure and send to you, then after you have gone through them, you quickly through your email, submit to the management of WEMA BANK PLC, HEAD OFFICE, LAGOS, NIGERIA, successfully and respectively.     

     FUND SHARING ACCORDING TO 50 50, EQUAL PERCENTAGES, TO AVOID BEING CHEATED ON EACH  OTHER.
=================================================================================

             This fund of $15m USD, must be shared on the 50 50 percentages to each other, to avoid each partner being cheated in the end and to crown it all, it is a risk free transaction, as there are enough documents, to back your claim of it legally, genuinely and officially.  
 

 

                 I guarantee that this will be executed under a legitimate arrangement that will protect you from any breach of the law of your country, successfully and respectively.

       Thank"s, while   I wait hearing from you, urgently and as expected so that I will be sure that this email  has reached you in good faith.

Yours Faithfully,

BARRISTER MARVELOUS DUKE, SAN.  

 

 

Unlike his opening email, the Bannister has suddenly developed an absolute love affair with commas.  Eh...no matter, as my character ducks into edit mode:

 

 

From: BANNISTER MARVELLOUS DUCK, QUACK <barristermarvellous1000@mail.com>
Sent: Tuesday, November 13, 2018 9:18 PM
To: horkster99@hotmail.com
Subject: CODE: 00432; PLEASE VIEW MY PHOTOGRAPH AND TRY NOT TO LAUGH; BANNISTER MARVELLOUS DUCK, QUACK

 

TOILET CHAMBERS & ASSES
(ILLEGAL PRACTITIONER SINCE NOT LONG AGO)
No: 85, Western Avenue,
Surulere, Lagos.
Email " barristermarvellous1000@mail.com
CALL : +234- 8024627935

 

       PLEASE AND QUICKLY FILL THE BELOW GAPS, BEFORE THIS EMAIL IMPLODES, AND RETURN BACK TO ME.

 

 

 1, Your  Full Name:.......
2, Your  House Address:.......
3, Your  Country:............  
4, Your  State:........
5,  Your Contact Telephone ......
6,  Your Age:.........     and  Gender:....
7,   Your Occupation: ..........
8.  Your Marital Status..........

 

             YO:

               I  firstly thank you for having time, out of none, to respond back to my letter sent to you but   without   your personal information, therein, as requested from you, to fully, legally and officially indicate your kin interest as the chosen and presented next of kin to the fund of $15M US Dollars, Late depositor, "LATE ENGINEER RONALD JOHNSON" and rightful beneficiary to the fund, in question, respectively.

              I secondly thank you for not commenting on my overuse of commas throughout this documentary piece of shit, and ask if you has a surplus punctuationary checker I can has.  Mebbe a spell and grammar checker too.  Ah needs all the hep ah kin git h'yar.
       

    MORE DETAILS TO YOU.
========================================================

          After the sudden and unfortunate  death of a goat inseminator who was my one and only client, "'LATE GOAT INSEMINATOR RONALD JOHNSON'" , on 11th November, 2017, presicely, here in Nigeria, but he was a nationality of 'NORTHERN BUCOHLIC', a province somewhere that is not yet properly mapped, but since he's deader than a can of corned beef, who the f**k cares.  The management of WEMA WECK A WEMA WECK A WEMA WECK A WEMA WECK BANK PLC, HEAD OFFICE, NIGERIA -- where the lion sleeps tonight -- assigned me as his lawyer, since my stint as an online psychic extra large came a crapper.  It then became my one and only job to search for any of his remaining relatives to see if any of them are goat inseminators, too.  But after a few hours of searching all in vain, I decided to contact you; your email address is conveniently carved into the tree we all go behind as our outdoor outhouse here.

 

        

          SUBMISSION TO THE MANAGEMENT OF WEMA WECK A WEMA WECK A WEMA WECK A WEMA WECK A WEMA WECK A WEMA WECK A WEMA WECK A WEMA WECK BANK PLC, HEAD-UP-ASS OFFICE, LAGOS, NIGERIA, AS EXPECTED.
==================================================================

                 This transaction is an "INTERNATIONAL ONE" with protocols, laws, rules and regulations to be studiously disregarded, as listed below.  One of us -- take a guess which one -- have to follow the protocols up  to enable one of us -- again, guess which one -- to have this great expectation achieved to become a person of dubious antecedence and goat genitals, in our society at large;  that is if one of us -- me -- can believe in the other -- you.  Once that is firmly established -- that you are a bigger moron than me -- then sky becomes our starting point of tremendous wealth, success, progress and favor for me, to the glory of an almighty goat baphomet to which I have regularly sacrificed photos of Hellary Clinton on a broom and thinking that she's president of something, somewhere.  But I don"t know how to put it and  to convince you that this transaction is never a scam, not dubious, not a hoax, nor a prank -- even though it clearly is.  No, the handlers here at the fly-infested internet cafe from which I send out crap like this expects me to make you believes that this is real, genuine, authentic, legal and official, as being signed and approved by the "FEDERAL MINISTRY OF FINANCE, ABUJA, NIGERIA, IN COLLABORATION WITH WEMA WECK A WEMA WECK A WEMA WECK A WEMA WECK BANK PLC, HEAD OFFICE, LAGOS, NIGERIA", respectively.  Where the lion sleeps tonight.

         Therefore, your ignorance, gullibility, fecklessness, lack of focus and maximum co-operation with me, will trigger a liberal snowflake to foul themselves repeatedly, but I digress.  I now back away from digression and move on.arg to the next phase of the British plan.

     

.

       PROCURING AND OBTAINING OF ALL THE DOCUMENTS TO BACK UP OUR CLAIM THAT I WAS MOLESTED BY A SUPREME COURT JUSTICE 36 YEARS AGO AT A EWE CONVENT THAT HAD BEEN INVADED BY A THREE PECKERED GOAT.
==================================================================================

           At this juncture,  with my perverse prestige and personality, in my dilapidated country, Nigeria, I have procure all the requested documents from Dianne Frankenfeinstein, to back this claim of this molestation, illegally and unofficially, according to the complete lack of ethics and integrity which is the trade mark of the Democrap Party in the USA, which I will procure and send to cnn, a completely discredited and useless network, which you are to submit to the management of WEMA WECK A WEMA WECK A WEMA WECK A WEMA WECK BANK PLC, HEAD OFFICE, LAGOS, NIGERIA, successfully and respectively, while the lion sleeps tonight.     

     FUNGUS AMONGUS AND OTHER BAD BAR JOKES TO AVOID YOU CHEATED ON ME.
=================================================================================

             This means there can be no jokes like ... a mushroom walks into a bar and orders a drink; the bartender says "we don't serve mushrooms", to which the mushroom says, "but hey, I'm a real fungi!" ... told.  This isn't so much to avoid each partner being cheated in the end to crown it all -- I am already designated the cheater, and you the cheatee -- but this is to subter the fuge and mask the factoid that this is not a risk free transaction, as you bear 100% of the risk, and that there are not one document to back the claims of molestation by a Supreme Court justice 36 years ago at a ewe convent that had been invaded by a three peckered goat, since even cnn can't sell that one to Alyssa Milano, gullible though she is.  
 

 

                 I guarantee that this would be executed thoroughly and utterly if we were doing this in North Korea; Kim Jong Un is well practiced in executing things as we all know.

                 Having seen that this email  has reached you in bad faith, I am off to have sex with an inflatable Bela Pelosi sex toy...I am just drunk enough to be able to do that.

I have the horror to be,
BANNISTER MARVELOUS DUCK, QUACK  

 

 

I was somewhat amused to see that the bannister managed to read this one, and actually replied:

 

 

this not helping 

 

 

Oh, but I think it is, Bannister.  Quack.   

 

I think it helped immensely, in that the bannister chose no more to repartee with my character.

 

Quack.

  

Marmot Vs Sock Puppet

Guess he had to find something to do while awaiting the next re-run of Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer.  Even better, when he learned that Godzilla turned down the part.

Marmots and sock puppets.  Only in a scam email edit could these two be made to work together.

Well okay...cnn could probably pull that off.  They're not good for much else.

At any rate, meet the latest scamstress from Third World Scam Land, who titled her ploy About Your Payment (the truth):

From: Ms. Grace Obinna
  CBN, Nigeria.

Dear Friend

Thanks for your attention.  Unfortunately  I am not directly in charge of transfer. I only wanted to help you with information on what to do immediately to get your money. which they have not been telling you.. Now I will introduce you to the person in charge and give you every information needed.

There is an attorney appointed by the President, the Courts and the Nigerian Barrister Association to process the only document needed to transfer over due  funds in this category to their beneficiaries.

The attorney's name is Bentley Edu  and the  name of the document  is  Presidential Irrevocable Permit ( PIP)

This document is the latest arrangement authorized by the President, as a measure to curb corruption,  safeguard foreign beneficiaries and to ensure that their outstanding  payments are released instantly.

He will procure the Presidential Irrevocable  Permit. which will have the endorsement of the NBA, the High Court and Nigerian President.

Once he presents the document at the Central Bank of Nigeria here, your fund will be released to your local  bank account  within 48 hours.

You can reach the attorney through the email programmed for this transactions: bentleyedulegalservices@gmail.com

These corrupt officials in the Banks and other offices in Nigeria and overseas will never tell you about this document or the attorney because they do not want you to receive your payment yet, due to the fact that they are  trading with your funds. I know their secret which they believe every one will be intimidated to speak up.

Your fund is as good as in your account once you contact him.  You do not need to mention my name to him but just that a CBN staff  gave you information concerning this.

Please all information I give you must be handled with utmost confidentiality.
Regards,

Ms. Grace Obinna  


Isn't that nice of her, wanting to hep me get scammed?  With 'friends' like her, who is needing democraps?

Well, let's see how this edit -- which incorporates a little no-so-masked disappointment over Election 2018's results in Colorado -- goes over:


Subject: Colorado Elections And About Marmot Sex With Sock Puppets (the truth)

 

From: Ms. Grace Obinna
  Society For The Truth About Marmot Sex With Sock Puppets (the truth), Nigeria

The rest...meh...we don't even know where Colorado is

Dear Friend

Thanks for your  attention to this completely overlooked problem in societies today, from Andorra to Zitsagastia.  Unfortunately  I am not directly in charge of getting the word out about this pending global blight. I only wanted your help on what to do immediately to get your money involved in alleviating this ticking time bomb for sock puppets, which they have not been telling you.  Because they're sock puppets.  But thanks to us, they need be voiceless no more.  We are the voice of the heretofore voiceless.  And together .. we shall overcome. 

 There is an attorney appointed by the President, the Courts and the Nigerian Barrister Association.  For what purposes, no one can say for sure other than those that appointed him.  Just know that he's a democrap and voted to legalize sex with underage tree stumps, if that helps give you an idea about his character.

The attorney's name is Roger Over Clearance Clarence Huh Edu.  Are you already seeing why he picked the wrong week to take knitting slip covers for dildos?  His name barely fits on Presidential Irrevocable Permit ( PIP), which will be evasively explained hereabouts at some point.

This document is the latest ploy .. er .. arrangement authorized by the President, as a measure to propagate .. er .. curb corruption, safeguard people pooping on foreign streets in San Crapcisco and to ensure that their missing and purloined sock puppets are released instantly before marmot mating season begins.

Ever wonder what happens to those socks that go missing in your laundry?  Neither do we, but that's how sock puppets get started on the road to marmot sex perdition ... but like a famous radio show host, I digress.

Anyway this bannister -- Roger Over Clearance Clarence Huh Edu, who picked the wrong week to start sniffing emu butts -- it is his job, his one and only sole job, to procure the Presidential Irrevocable  Permit. which will have the endorsement of the NBA, the NFL, the NCAA, the OMG and the WTF, along with that of the High Court and Nigerian President.

Once he presents the document at the DNC post-election night "what the hell happened" meth and Boone's Farm whine party, you can be danged sure that the future for sock puppets will be brighter, despite the pending onset of marmot mating rituals, which are often accompanied by Miley Cyrus in outmoded twerk mode, though guaranteed not to last longer than 48 hours.

You can reach the attorney if you have failed to completely comprehend this email here:  bentleyedulegalservices@gmail.com

These corrupt officials in the DNC, at cnn, and in the Sock Puppets 'R Us Coalition, will never tell you about this document or the attorney because they do not want Donald Trump to get another Burrito Supreme Court nominee that can't be derailed by made-up marmot/sock puppet sex claims from 36 years ago during a frat party at a Whiny League school of dubious mediacedence. 

Dianne Frankenfeinstein is still pissed about that.

At any rate, I know their secret which they believe every one will be too intimidated to speak up, in case Hellary is nearby on her broom, looking for new excuses on why she lost.

You're in good hands with us ... well, not really, but the template said to say that.  And next time you go to the rest room, you do not need to mention my name to get a good seat.  That hasn't worked yet.
 
Please all information I give you must be handled with utmost confidentiality; if you're literate, you'll understand why at once.

Ms. Grace Obinna  

 

 

Ms. Grace O didn't see fit to respond to the edit.  I reckon the image of marmots molesting sock puppets was, after all, a bit much.  Assuming that she knows what a sock is.

Wine Ages Better

Even Boone's Farm.

Regular readers of this blog will recognize what's to follow here; I think I warned you that a repeat was in the offing.

All on account of another scammer's response to the edit here.

First, allow us to recap:


My name is Mrs. Janet Karoline Adams  I am 69 years old, I am a dying woman who have decided to donate what I have to you/churches/ motherless babies/less privileged/widows. I was diagnosed for cancer for about 7 years ago.

so recently my doctor diagnosed my health system again and i told me that i don't have long time on earth. I have been touched by God to donate from what I have inherited from my late husband to you for good work of God. I have asked God to forgive me and believe he has, because he is a merciful God. I will be going in for an operation soon. I decided to WILL/donate the sum of 3.5 million United States dollars to you for the good work of God, and also to help the motherless and less privilege and also for the assistance of the widows. At the moment I cannot take any telephone calls right now due to the fact that my relatives (That have squandered the funds I gave them for this purpose before) are around me and my health status also.

I have adjusted my WILL and my lawyer is aware. I wish you all the best and may the good god bless you abundantly, and please use the Funds judiciously and always extend the good work to others. As soon you get back to me, I shall give you info on what I need from you then you will contact my bank and tell them I have willed (3.5 million dollars) to you by quoting my personal reference number: and I have also notified my bank that I am willing that amount to you for a good, effective and prudent work. I know I don't know you very well but I have been directed to do this by God.

Thanks and God bless.
Janet Adams.  


Granted, I have seen this scam probably a thousand times.  You've seen this scam handled in various ways on this blog dozens of times.  Something new was needed.

Leave it to my pet rock, Seymour, to come up with an ideer:  make age the focal point.

After all, who other than a pet rock that claims to have been around since the beginning of Earth -- a few billion years -- knows aging better?

"Oh PHFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Thus it came to pass that Seymour inspired this edit that was returned to the scamstress and a number of her pears and collies:

From: Janet Adams <iMrsjanetadams@outlook.com>
Sent: Sunday, November 4, 2018 10:09 PM
To: Recipients
Subject: Please Read and get back to me with corrections, comments, recommendations ...

 

Greeting and hallucinogens

My name is Mrs. Janet Karoline Adams.  No, not related to the Addams Family; only one "d".  

I was born in a leap year, which means that in a chronological sense, I only age once every four years.  Except at the turn of a century, where I have an 8 year gap in birthdays, except for in the year 2000.

What this should tell you is that I am, by your standards, older than running water or a fruit cake passed down for generations because it's inherent and inedible.  By the standards of my leap year birth, I am 69 years old.  Had I been born in a non-leap year, I would be dead long ago in normal human standards, for I was born in 1736.  Having a birthday only once every four years -- except at the turn of the 19th and 20th Centuries -- I am now 69 years old.  So what happens to you over a year, takes on average four years to happen to me.

Depending on what it is, that sucks for you or me, but I digress.

I was diagnosed for cancer of the calendar for about 7 of my years ago; or in other words, in 1992.  I am outlasting the diagnosis of my doctors -- two of which died already, because they age at four times the pace that I do -- so far, and I might outlast a couple more, since I turn 70 on February 29, 2020.

Let's not talk about birthday parties and sh*t like that; I've been getting screwed on that from the beginning.

Recently my umpteenth doctor diagnosed my health system again and told me that I might not make it to 2020.  Having nearly been touched by a heavenly anvil while playing golf -- lightning hit nearby, and I survived only because God couldn't hit the 1 iron I was wielding at the time, any more than I did -- I have been called upon to donate from what I have inherited from my late husbands, all of which died years and centuries ago.  

 

 

Most of those bastards bequeathed me only minor material things -- one left me a lacquered collection of human snot formed into peculiar shapes, and another left me the longest recorded bowel movement in human history, laminated and on loan to the Smithsonian -- so I don't have much to leave.  But I have to leave it to someone, otherwise they might be tempted to jam all that shit into my coffin, and I can't bear the thought of eternity with the world's largest laminated human bowel movement. 

I hear even the Smithsonian can't wait to get rid of it.

At the moment I cannot take any telephone calls right now due to the fact that my ears have long since fallen off.

I have adjusted my WILL and my lawyer is aware, I think; the last one I commissioned did my will in 1940.  Be that as it might or might notten be, I wish you all the best and may you find something useful to do with a collection of lacquered snot and the world's longest laminated human bowel movement, among other ends and very odds.  As soon you get back to me, I shall probably foul myself repeatedly, because I lost control of that function in 2008.  

I know I don't know you very well but I have been directed to do this by a power that you'll probably want to pull the lips off of, once you have time to properly consider it all.

Janet Adams.  

Another former scammer decided to chide me for this edit:

what kind are you?  How you know this person is not suffering and you make jest of her?  someones should deal with you if you not take care.

This former scammer was allegedly another "she", so I can see where she might take offense with what I  dun to one of her peers emails, Ma.

Granted, it didn't help:

It was so nice of you to weigh in and pose such thought-provoking questions and offer up such nicely-veiled suggestions as to my future disposition on this issue.  I thank you from the bottom of my toilet bowl for expressing yourself in this manure.  You certainly give me plenty to think about.

And it took me two seconds to think about it.  Unless you have something else profound to offer, you are welcome to return to your Third World sh*thole internet cafe and try to recruit help for what you suggested.  Or better still, just go sell yourself to the Nigerian military.  They need entertainment on leave, after all.  You can make good money at that; it's obvious that you're not faring so well with this.

 That apparently didn't go over well:


STOP WRITE TO ME!!!


Soitenly!  Soon as your email address quits working.  


Perhaps I should refer this dissatisfied scammer to one of the scam spell casters?

 

Of CORPSE He's Sorry Now

I find the emails from scammers that ask my character if he's dead or not, mildly amusing.

Especially when my character responds in the affirmative, and the scammer just can't seem to wrap his head around that.

Like this one:


Oh So Sad that u are Dead Regarding yiour 25,9Musd and Made Mrs Rosemary Ur Next Or Kin

Attn:Dear Esteemed customer, Reply To This Email tpc_services6@yahoo.fr This is official notice to you that your (CONSIGNMENT OF 25,9MILLION USD) which was sent for over one month now was returned. I know that you have been waiting for the arrival of your ATM CARD since, it is unfortunate that it was returned this week due to wrong address which was provide by your representative (Mrs Rosemary STUART BLUM). And the same Man came again and trying to make us believe that you are dead and even explained that you entered into an agreement with him, to help you in receiving your (CONSIGNMENT). So did you sign any Deed of Assignment in favor of (Mrs Rosemary STUART BLUM) thereby making him the current beneficiary,In view of this development, you are requested to confirm to us if you are alive and also furnish us with your full Information, YOUR FULL NAME ____ YOUR ADDRESS____ YOUR AGE______ YOUR CITY_______ YOUR COUNTRY_____ YOUR CURRENT OCCUPATION___ YOUR HOME PHONE_______ YOUR CELL PHONE_____ YOUR GENDER_______ A COPY OF YOUR IDENTIFICATION _____ to enable us deliver this CONSIGNMENT to your door step:Meanwhile,be rest assured that upon receipt of the above information we will proceed in delivering your (CONSIGNMENT) And for security reason endeavor to indicate this CODE N° (PACIFIC COURIER-BJ/XXL14160) this code shows that you are the rightful owner of the box. Respectfully submitted, Director General Rev.Dr Ijemaka Godwin Pacific Courier Services Cell Number+ 234-701-511-9133 Country Republic Of Nigeria Reply To This Email tpc_services6@yahoo.fr Reply To This Email tpc_services6@yahoo.fr   


I love how these clowns don't read the replies:

Yeah, being dead does suck in a lot of ways.  Then again:

    -- I don't have to get out of bed to go to work

    -- I don't have to pay taxes

Can you say that?  

 

 

As usual, the scammer didn't read the email response.  He merely got excited that he'd gotten a response, and continued on with his scam template:

 

 

Mr Jack Ewehof Oh its True u Are Dead REGARDING uR 25,9Musd And Made Rosemary Ur Next Of Kin Or Lie

 

Attn:Dear Mr Jack Ewehof,

This is official notice to you that your (CONSIGNMENT OF 25,9MILLION USD) which was sent for over one month now was returned. I know that you have been waiting for the arrival of your ATM CARD since, it is unfortunate that it was returned this week due to wrong address which was provide by your representative (Mrs Rosemary STUART BLUM). And the same Man came again and trying to make us believe that you are dead and even explained that you entered into an agreement with him, to help you in receiving your (CONSIGNMENT). So did you sign any Deed of Assignment in favor of (Mrs Rosemary STUART BLUM) thereby making him the current beneficiary,In view of this development, you are requested to confirm to us if you are alive and also furnish us with your full Information,
YOUR FULL NAME ____
YOUR ADDRESS____
YOUR AGE______
YOUR CITY_______
YOUR COUNTRY_____
YOUR CURRENT OCCUPATION___
YOUR HOME PHONE_______
YOUR CELL PHONE_____
YOUR GENDER_______
A COPY OF YOUR IDENTIFICATION _____ to enable us deliver this CONSIGNMENT to your door step:Meanwhile,be rest assured that upon receipt of the above information  we will proceed in delivering your (CONSIGNMENT) And for security reason endeavor to indicate this CODE N° (PACIFIC COURIER-BJ/XXL14160) this code shows that you are the rightful owner of the box.

Respectfully submitted,

Director General  Rev.Dr Ijemaka Godwin
Pacific Courier Services
Cell Number+ 234-701-511-9133
Country Republic Of Nigeria  

 

 

While there are lots of things to cue on in this reply, my character chose to jump all over a couple of the more glaring points:  

 

Mr Jack Ewehof Oh its True u Are Dead REGARDING uR 25,9Musd And Made Rosemary Ur Next Of Kin Or Lie

 

I can see that you are struggling with certain aspects of this email, so allow me to clarify certain points that have obviously escaped you during your effort to give me this business.

1. As you noted in the header of your reply, "Mr Jack Ewehof Oh its True u Are Dead REGARDING uR 25,9Musd And Made Rosemary Ur Next Of Kin Or Lie".  You noted that, then went onto completely miss the very point you made in your email header.  More on that momentarily.
2. Mrs. Rosemary Stuart Blum...you present that name twice in your email, and refer to "her" as "him".  Now, I don't have gender studies knowledge of Nigeria and how things may be more totally fucked up there than in San Freakcisco, but in most of the real world, "Mrs" usually applies to FEMALES OF THE SPECIES, and "Mr" usually applies to MALES OF THE SPECIES.  If you are unlucky enough to get cnn down there, you probably aren't sure of what Nature always intended any more; look what cnn and Wheaties did to Bruce/Caitlyn Jenner.  Nowadays in some venues, the terms "male" and "female" have been upended by a growing number of gender neutral, fluid and non-binary substitutes not limited to such things as "octosexual orthopods".  Nonetheless, clarity in this matter is necessary if we are to have a dialogue.
3. Having a dialogue:  now back to Point #1:  as I already explained, I am dead.  I have been that way for five years.  The fact that you have stumbled across the Astral Bridge and awakened my spirit in such an untoward manner is not making me terribly happy, and you would do well to consult your local witch doctor, who'll confirm to you that spirits are not wise to annoy.  You don't want us going 'dark energy' on you, if you know what I mean.  It can fuck up your whole antecedence from you on forward.  Not good family planning there, Bunky.
4. Now, I have no interest in an ATM card that is only accessible in the physical world.  It would only be good for me if it could be delivered to me via ITC -- Instrumental Transcommunication -- with funds drawable on the First Astral Plane Spirits Bank & Loan, located on Marduk.  Unless you have the means to transmit it via finely-tuned ITC transmitters, intricately set to the right MHz, it is of no value to me.
5. That said, I am giving you my official approval to award the card and the physical realm balance to Mrs. Rosemary Stuart Blum; while we have never met and would not have had sex had we met -- for she's a triple bagger and I don't do triple baggers even in bar lighting -- I have no problem with Mrs. Blum making good use of the card to get her a face lift, tummy tuck, butt reduction and whatever else is required to make her not look so much like Hellary Clinton.

I trust that this will clarify everything for you.  If it doesn't, please pass this message along to someone who is literate and somewhat educated, as it appears that you're not.

I have the honor to be,

The Late Jack N. Ewehoff

1950-2013

RIP until you came along and woke my ass up

 

The somewhat incredulous reply at least shows that he tried to read the response...or someone tried to read it for him:

 

 

it is not funny what you say here.  you cannot be dead and write me email.  Stop kidding this way.  

 

 

Sorry to bust your balloon, Bunky, but yes, I am dead.  And I couldn't have written you email if you hadn't sent me one that somehow succeeded in crossing the Astral Bridge, awakening my spirit from well-earned slumber.  This is not a good idea, as I told you.  Once awakened, we can become most malevolent.  And you have, unfortunately for you, drawn malevolence.  We were having a special on it this week....you chose the wrong week to awaken my spirit.

 

So...what family calamities are you prepared and unprepared for?  I can bring them all.

 

 

Someone over there is superstitious as hell:

 

 

LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

 

The rest of it goes, "let me go home...let me go home and start over".  *BUZZZZZZZER*  You didn't earn the "do over" part.  No, I shall be haunting your every move henceforth, Bunky.  Your unintended consequence reward for spiritual awakening from across the Astral Bridge.  Any time, Bunky...any time.

 

 

That ended responses from the scammer's end.

 

But I think I'll keep the tweaking up a bit...long as I'm in the 'spirit' of things...