Of CORPSE He's Sorry Now

I find the emails from scammers that ask my character if he's dead or not, mildly amusing.

Especially when my character responds in the affirmative, and the scammer just can't seem to wrap his head around that.

Like this one:


Oh So Sad that u are Dead Regarding yiour 25,9Musd and Made Mrs Rosemary Ur Next Or Kin

Attn:Dear Esteemed customer, Reply To This Email tpc_services6@yahoo.fr This is official notice to you that your (CONSIGNMENT OF 25,9MILLION USD) which was sent for over one month now was returned. I know that you have been waiting for the arrival of your ATM CARD since, it is unfortunate that it was returned this week due to wrong address which was provide by your representative (Mrs Rosemary STUART BLUM). And the same Man came again and trying to make us believe that you are dead and even explained that you entered into an agreement with him, to help you in receiving your (CONSIGNMENT). So did you sign any Deed of Assignment in favor of (Mrs Rosemary STUART BLUM) thereby making him the current beneficiary,In view of this development, you are requested to confirm to us if you are alive and also furnish us with your full Information, YOUR FULL NAME ____ YOUR ADDRESS____ YOUR AGE______ YOUR CITY_______ YOUR COUNTRY_____ YOUR CURRENT OCCUPATION___ YOUR HOME PHONE_______ YOUR CELL PHONE_____ YOUR GENDER_______ A COPY OF YOUR IDENTIFICATION _____ to enable us deliver this CONSIGNMENT to your door step:Meanwhile,be rest assured that upon receipt of the above information we will proceed in delivering your (CONSIGNMENT) And for security reason endeavor to indicate this CODE N° (PACIFIC COURIER-BJ/XXL14160) this code shows that you are the rightful owner of the box. Respectfully submitted, Director General Rev.Dr Ijemaka Godwin Pacific Courier Services Cell Number+ 234-701-511-9133 Country Republic Of Nigeria Reply To This Email tpc_services6@yahoo.fr Reply To This Email tpc_services6@yahoo.fr   


I love how these clowns don't read the replies:

Yeah, being dead does suck in a lot of ways.  Then again:

    -- I don't have to get out of bed to go to work

    -- I don't have to pay taxes

Can you say that?  

 

 

As usual, the scammer didn't read the email response.  He merely got excited that he'd gotten a response, and continued on with his scam template:

 

 

Mr Jack Ewehof Oh its True u Are Dead REGARDING uR 25,9Musd And Made Rosemary Ur Next Of Kin Or Lie

 

Attn:Dear Mr Jack Ewehof,

This is official notice to you that your (CONSIGNMENT OF 25,9MILLION USD) which was sent for over one month now was returned. I know that you have been waiting for the arrival of your ATM CARD since, it is unfortunate that it was returned this week due to wrong address which was provide by your representative (Mrs Rosemary STUART BLUM). And the same Man came again and trying to make us believe that you are dead and even explained that you entered into an agreement with him, to help you in receiving your (CONSIGNMENT). So did you sign any Deed of Assignment in favor of (Mrs Rosemary STUART BLUM) thereby making him the current beneficiary,In view of this development, you are requested to confirm to us if you are alive and also furnish us with your full Information,
YOUR FULL NAME ____
YOUR ADDRESS____
YOUR AGE______
YOUR CITY_______
YOUR COUNTRY_____
YOUR CURRENT OCCUPATION___
YOUR HOME PHONE_______
YOUR CELL PHONE_____
YOUR GENDER_______
A COPY OF YOUR IDENTIFICATION _____ to enable us deliver this CONSIGNMENT to your door step:Meanwhile,be rest assured that upon receipt of the above information  we will proceed in delivering your (CONSIGNMENT) And for security reason endeavor to indicate this CODE N° (PACIFIC COURIER-BJ/XXL14160) this code shows that you are the rightful owner of the box.

Respectfully submitted,

Director General  Rev.Dr Ijemaka Godwin
Pacific Courier Services
Cell Number+ 234-701-511-9133
Country Republic Of Nigeria  

 

 

While there are lots of things to cue on in this reply, my character chose to jump all over a couple of the more glaring points:  

 

Mr Jack Ewehof Oh its True u Are Dead REGARDING uR 25,9Musd And Made Rosemary Ur Next Of Kin Or Lie

 

I can see that you are struggling with certain aspects of this email, so allow me to clarify certain points that have obviously escaped you during your effort to give me this business.

1. As you noted in the header of your reply, "Mr Jack Ewehof Oh its True u Are Dead REGARDING uR 25,9Musd And Made Rosemary Ur Next Of Kin Or Lie".  You noted that, then went onto completely miss the very point you made in your email header.  More on that momentarily.
2. Mrs. Rosemary Stuart Blum...you present that name twice in your email, and refer to "her" as "him".  Now, I don't have gender studies knowledge of Nigeria and how things may be more totally fucked up there than in San Freakcisco, but in most of the real world, "Mrs" usually applies to FEMALES OF THE SPECIES, and "Mr" usually applies to MALES OF THE SPECIES.  If you are unlucky enough to get cnn down there, you probably aren't sure of what Nature always intended any more; look what cnn and Wheaties did to Bruce/Caitlyn Jenner.  Nowadays in some venues, the terms "male" and "female" have been upended by a growing number of gender neutral, fluid and non-binary substitutes not limited to such things as "octosexual orthopods".  Nonetheless, clarity in this matter is necessary if we are to have a dialogue.
3. Having a dialogue:  now back to Point #1:  as I already explained, I am dead.  I have been that way for five years.  The fact that you have stumbled across the Astral Bridge and awakened my spirit in such an untoward manner is not making me terribly happy, and you would do well to consult your local witch doctor, who'll confirm to you that spirits are not wise to annoy.  You don't want us going 'dark energy' on you, if you know what I mean.  It can fuck up your whole antecedence from you on forward.  Not good family planning there, Bunky.
4. Now, I have no interest in an ATM card that is only accessible in the physical world.  It would only be good for me if it could be delivered to me via ITC -- Instrumental Transcommunication -- with funds drawable on the First Astral Plane Spirits Bank & Loan, located on Marduk.  Unless you have the means to transmit it via finely-tuned ITC transmitters, intricately set to the right MHz, it is of no value to me.
5. That said, I am giving you my official approval to award the card and the physical realm balance to Mrs. Rosemary Stuart Blum; while we have never met and would not have had sex had we met -- for she's a triple bagger and I don't do triple baggers even in bar lighting -- I have no problem with Mrs. Blum making good use of the card to get her a face lift, tummy tuck, butt reduction and whatever else is required to make her not look so much like Hellary Clinton.

I trust that this will clarify everything for you.  If it doesn't, please pass this message along to someone who is literate and somewhat educated, as it appears that you're not.

I have the honor to be,

The Late Jack N. Ewehoff

1950-2013

RIP until you came along and woke my ass up

 

The somewhat incredulous reply at least shows that he tried to read the response...or someone tried to read it for him:

 

 

it is not funny what you say here.  you cannot be dead and write me email.  Stop kidding this way.  

 

 

Sorry to bust your balloon, Bunky, but yes, I am dead.  And I couldn't have written you email if you hadn't sent me one that somehow succeeded in crossing the Astral Bridge, awakening my spirit from well-earned slumber.  This is not a good idea, as I told you.  Once awakened, we can become most malevolent.  And you have, unfortunately for you, drawn malevolence.  We were having a special on it this week....you chose the wrong week to awaken my spirit.

 

So...what family calamities are you prepared and unprepared for?  I can bring them all.

 

 

Someone over there is superstitious as hell:

 

 

LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

 

The rest of it goes, "let me go home...let me go home and start over".  *BUZZZZZZZER*  You didn't earn the "do over" part.  No, I shall be haunting your every move henceforth, Bunky.  Your unintended consequence reward for spiritual awakening from across the Astral Bridge.  Any time, Bunky...any time.

 

 

That ended responses from the scammer's end.

 

But I think I'll keep the tweaking up a bit...long as I'm in the 'spirit' of things...