And On THAT Note...

2017 has been one for the books.

And tweets.

And total implosions on the Left.  Along with a fair number on the Right.

Now, in keeping with all the rage in the American lamestream servile mediocre world of fauxjournalism, the North Korean douche canoe, Kim Jong Un, adds his hash tag to the mix:

#me-too

He has accused Kanye West of indecency with him and presents these photos as proof.

No, he doesn't say WHEN or WHERE or WHY or even a Korean version of WTF.  He just insists that the "photos speak for themserves".

If he sees any photos of Al Franken grabbing for his photo shops, he'll accuse him as well.

"Photos don't rie" Un insists.

Well, Kimster, some photos don't "rie":

And some photos kinda sorta do:

Again...some photos don't "rie":

And some photos...kinda sorta do:

Don't "rie":

Do "rie":

Don't "rie":

Do "rie":

Incidentally, it was my pet rock, Seymour, that insisted we help Kim Jong Un understand the difference between believable photos and touched up ones.

"Did NOT!!!  PHFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT!!!!"

And on THAT note, Happy New Year, folks.  Not that I expect 2018 to be one whit better.  Only weirder.

They Didn't Dream of This...

What red blooded male wouldn't want to find a bottle, open it, and have HER come out?

Okay, a few of the obvious ones.

But a scammer never saw this angle coming.  Or breathing hard.

Get a load of a scammer who claims to be a genealogist, and found my character's name might have a connection to a wealthy estate:

Greetings from Mark & Woods Ltd, Mark & Woods Genealogical Investigators specializes in probate research to locate missing heirs and beneficiaries to estates in the United Kingdom and Europe. We can also help you find wills, obtain copies of certificates, help you to administer an estate, as well as calculating how an estate, intestacy or trust should be distributed. You may be entitled to a large pay out for an inheritance in the Europe worth US$9.2 million. We have discovered an estate belonging to a deceased, which has remained unclaimed since he died in 2006 and we have strong reasons to believe you are the closest living relative to the deceased we can find. You may unknowingly be the heir of this person who died without leaving a will (intestate). We will conduct a probate research to prove your entitlement, and can submit a claim on your behalf at no risk to you. Our service fee of 10% of the Estate and will only be paid to us after you have received the estate. The estate transfer process should take just a matter of days as we have the mechanism and expertise to get this done very quickly. This message may come to you as a shock; however we hope to work with you to transfer the estate to you as quickly as possible. Feel free to email our senior case worker Mr. mark Craig on email: mark_craig@dbzmail.com for further discussions. With warm regards, Mr. Mark B.T. Craig, CEO. Mark & Woods Ltd.   Righhhhht.  My character's name came up in THEIR genealogical search for a multi-million dollar estate overseas. Only a dolt that thinks Hellary Clinton is the smartest woman on Earth would fall for that. So it was time for an edit...one that played on the service the scammer claimed to be providing.  Just not how it was bein' offered:   Greetings from Marked & Other Woods Ltd, Marked & Other Woods Ltd Genie-ological Investigators specializes in prostrate research to locate missing genies stuck in bottles, boxes, botas, bongs...from the Middle East to the Far East, Near East, the East United Kingdom and...well, f**k...the western parts of alla dem too. We can also help you find wills, won'ts, whyfornots, photoshop copies of certificates, help you to administer an enema, as well as calculating how an enema -- in or out -- should be distributed. You may be entitled to largesse beyond your wildest dreams if you find a real genie. If you find something that looks like Osama bin Laden...well, that's a bottle you shoulda put down and backed away from really slowly, since that foulness on his breath is his 72 virgin camels and fact is..they weren't virgin. We have discovered an estate with a container that kinda sorta looks a little tad bit like there might be a genie therein it; of course, it could also be an unopened bottle of Boone's Farm Blue, circa 1969, that is just waiting to be opened to unleash the grapes of wrath...which at 99 cents a bottle, would be rather wrathful being bottled up since '69. At any rate, we have strong reasons to believe you are the closest living bone head to take a chance on opening the container we can find. You may unknowingly be the heir of I Dream Of Jeannie, circa 1969; or a demonic wildebeest hairball, which is what Boone's Farm is allegedly distilled from. We will conduct a prostate research to prove you have one and are therefore entitled to a shot at the container, and what ecstasy or agonies it contains therein. What's more, we can submit a claim on your behalf at no risk to you until you open it. At that, we be outta there in case it's the demonic wildebeest hairball. Our service fee of 10% of what a genie grants you for your first wish will only be paid to us after you have found that it IS a genie in the container and not a demonic wildebeest hairball. We waive all fees if it's the latter. In fact, we don't know you...we never knew you...just who in the f**k ARE you?   The process should take just a matter of days as we have the mechanism and expertise to monumentally screw the pooch very quickly if it's a negative outcome. At that point, what's negative that came out is all yours. This message may come to you as a shock; all that much more if it's a demonic wildebeest hairball in that thing. Feel free to email our senior case worker Mr. Mark Craig who has a mondo hard-on, hoping it's Jeannie in there, on email: mark_craig@dbzmail.com for further disgusting nonsense. With regards of likely dubious sorts, Mr. Mark B.T. Craig, CEO. Marked & Other Woods Ltd "We dream of Jeannies; we f**king FREAK at demonic wildebeest hairballs!"   The scammer genealogist quickly decided that a follow up contact with my character was NOT in his best interest.  I'm sure the picture of that hairball did it...

Talking Desks Lose Every Time

Yet another talking desk from the UN High Commission.

It hasn't learned any better than the previous talking desks did:   FREE TOASTER with EVERY SCAM wins EVERY TIME!

But...no free toaster....*BUZZZZZZER*.

Here's the effort:

From the desk of Dr.Richard Lynn

United Nation High Commission

405 East 42nd Street, New York

Email : info.unhighcommission01@gmail.com

Phone :  +1682-808-6595

Attn :  Jack,

I,am Mr.Richard Lynn the newly appointed head of operation United Nation High Commission west African region.It was recently brought to my notice by the ministry of foreign affairs commission in regulation to debt,contract/inheritance management that your over due contract payment total sum of US$20,500,000.00 that was supposed to be released by the Rhochevilles Western Bank has been recently placed on holed by the authority to regulate monitory policies attached to International transfer of funds.

hOwever,I have thoroughyly done my investigation lately and realize that your paying Bank did not emply the proper agencies that is in position to endorse your final fund release authority therby making the government to raise eyebrow by putting a stop order of the said fund to protect you from any breach of the law against Money laundry

act or terrorism.

Henceforth,it is important for you to note that the United  antion High commission has been officially assigned to handle issue related to the transfer/delivery of your payment with your payment Bank and will also guide and protect your interest pending when you have confirmed and receive payment/transfer of your fund.

Note,that you must report and forward any further correspondence you receive from anyone or group of people claiming to have the said payment in their possession to prevent impostors/hoodlums taking adavantage of you.

All legal modalities and document's attached to the release of your payment will be procurred and endorsed by the United Nations High Commission's before presenting them to the Bank for immediate release of your payment but you must ensure to reconfirm the information's listed below for onward processing of this exercise in your favor.

1.Your full names and address

2.Age and occupation

3.A copy of your drivers license or passport for proper identification

4.Next of kin name and age

5.Private mobile numbers for easy communication

Information's contained in this message are highly confidential for security purposes you are been advised to keep this transaction urtmost secrecy to avert a thrid party from hijacking your payment.

Confirm receipt of this message and get back to us immediately or call as a matter of urgency.

Dr.Richard Lynn  

 

 

Instead of any chance of back 'n forth, I opted for an edit that at least made passing mention of the free toaster:

 

 

From: Richard Lynn <un.teamsecretary@hotmail.com>
Sent: Thursday, October 12, 2017 3:50 PM
To: longnecked.mofo.gopherpokers101@hotmail.com
Subject: A desk -- yes, furniture -- is about to tell you what the moron sitting behind it can't from United Nations High Commission

 

 

From the desk of Dr. Richard Lynn

one stupid useless mofo occupying space

United Nation High Commission

405 East 42nd Street, New York

Email : info.unhighcommission01@gmail.com

Phone :  +1682-808-6595

Attn : 

I am the inanimate desk of the abject dunce, Mr. Richard Lynn, who because he had pictures of the UN genital suckretary leaving a Motel 6 at 3:45AM with a yak and inflatable Hellary sex toy, is the newly appointed head-up-ass of operation United Nation High Commission west African region.

I needed oxygen after just reading that, and I'm a f**king desk.

It was recently brought to my notice by the menstrual activities of Mr. Richard Lynn, that he was Mrs. Virginia Slim until hearing Ashley Judd go Hellary Clinton on a twat waffle.  That's when she decided to did it.

It really don't pay to be a desk in places like this or around Bill Clinton.

As a desk, I was supposed to inform you of some batshit cra-cra about a ministry of foreign affairs with goats or sheep or some other kinky sh*t commission, and how regulation to douche nozzles means little more than a three peckered goat being turned loose in a ewe convent under contract or some such hooha.  It's all in the disclaimer that isn't attached to this email because I'm a desk not a gawddamned f**king lawyer of dubious antecedence that gives away a free toaster for the first consultation.  Anyway, you didn't inheritance, inheritize or inherent anything that management can't treat with double shots of tequila after work...or even during it. 

If you've never heard of the Rhochevilles Western Bank, relax; not even I had before this.  I think it's Polish and located in Uganda.  They had an apple..and a pen...apple pen...uhh.

hOwever,I have thoroughyly done my best desk investigation lately and realize that none of this sh*t makes one cat crazy ounce of sense.  Kinda like saying  "what?" and some fat guy with a bat yelling "second base!"  But did you know -- and I bet you didn't because I'm telling you something that my menstrual sitter just made up -- that your paying Bank did not know that fallopian tubes were NOT used for firing mortars at enema positions in Liechtenstein?  Or that they had a Money laundry there that guaranteed one day turn around on all your counterfeit bills, petes and other names.

Some consider that an act or terrorism.  I consider terrorism anytime someone sitting at me farts.

Henceforth,it is important for you to note that the United  Nation High commission has been fired and sent to North Korea to wind up in Kim Jong Il's shark tank with what's left of Hans Brix.

Yeah, I saw that movie too, and agree that Pearl Harbor and Ben Afflac sucked.  Him and his pervert friend Harvey.

 Note that you must report and forward any further correspondence you receive from female desks that I might find RrroWWWR Rrrowwrr.  Just cuz I'm a desk don't mean I don't like to get some inserts now and again.  Roll tops...kinky.

All legal modalities and documents attached to a house cat will be shredded in short order.  So don't do that.  If you want ANY of this to come out in your favor, drop the mouse and back away from your email slowly.  Otherwise, send me the following sh*t:

1.Your full names and address

2.Age and occupation

3.A copy of your drivers license or passport for proper identification

4.Next of kin name and age

5.Private mobile numbers for easy communication

6. A picture of you in a tutu that's way too small

Informations contained in this message are highly cornfoluted for suckurity purposes and you are been advised to keep this transaction urtmost secrecy to avert having a thrid party send you to a 72 hour health hold because you were stupid enough to tell them you're following the instructions of a desk.

Confirm receipt of this message in Azerbaijani and get back to us immediately with the 13th astrological sign known as Gorkus, signified by two buzzards colliding in mid-air.  Which pretty much sums up where I as a desk am.

From the desk of Dr.Richard Lynn, formerly Dr. Virginia Slim

forever dubiously antecedent.  

 

 

Nothing seems to kill correspondence from desks that the UN faster than an edit like that.  Maybe next time they'll include an offer of a free toaster.

A Dictator's Atturkey Wants Paid

The picture will make some sorta sense soon.

Moreso than the email my character got from the late Muammar Gaddafi's personal lawyer.

Uh huh.

Read it h'yar:


I am Honourable Barrister Ahmed Salam. the personal resident Attorney  here in Burkina Faso to Late Mr. Muammar  Muhammad Abu Minyar  al-Gaddafi of Libya c. 1942 – 20 October 2011. Late Mr. Muammar
Muhammad Abu Minyar al-Gaddafi  c. 1942 – 20 October 2011, commonly  known as Colonel Gaddafi, was a Libyan former head of state,  revolutionary and a  politician, who died on 20 October 2011, was my
client here in Burkina Faso Africa.

My client Late Mr. Muammar Muhammad Abu Minyar al-Gaddafi c. 1942 – 20
October 2011, was having a deposit sum of  {thirty million four
Hundred thousand united state dollars} only ($30.4M USD) with a
security finance firm affiliated with African development bank here in
Burkina Faso.

With the above explanation’s I want to move this money from Burkina
Faso to your country, affidavit on your name,  but note that this is a
deal between me and you and should not be related to anybody until the
deal is over for security reasons, please if interested reply as soon
as possible.

Thanks,
Barrister Ahmed Salam.  


Are you convinced?  Neither was I.  Nor was my pet rock, Seymour.  Nor was my character.

We flipped a coin for it...Seymour swiped the coin and I drew the edit.

"Did NOT!!!  PHFFFFFFFFFFFFFT!!!"

Okay, so while I frisk my pet rock for the coin, here's the edit that our aggrieved Atturkey received (and kinda sorta helps explain the picture above):

From: Barr.Ahmed Salam< barrister.ahmedsalam@gmail.com>
Sent: Tuesday, November 14, 2017 1:07 AM
Subject: SALAD SHOOTERS KILLED MY DEATH STAR

 

Attn: Sir/Madam/Gender Choice Not Therein Mentioned

I am Honourable Bannister Achmed Salamionrye.   It's not easy being me.

I was the personal resident Atturkey here in Burkina Fatso to Mr. Muammar 

Muhammad Abu Gesundheit al-Gaddafi, the dicktater of Libya c. 1942 – 20

October 2011.  The now Late Mr. Muammar Muhammad Abu Gesundheit al-

Gaddafi  c. 1942 – 20 October 2011, commonly known as Colonel Douche

Camel, was a Libyan former head of state, who is of late sans head and

all that went widdit, and he was my client here in Burkina Fatso Africa.

My client Late because he's headless Mr. Muammar Muhammad Abu

Gesundheit al-Gaddafi, never paid me for my services after having hisself

shortened by a head.

Bad form, that.  My services cost money, headless or not.  With what

he owed me and the late fees I've applied to his bill, it now comes to

the sum of  {thirty million four Hundred thousand united state dollars}.

It has been pointed out to me that since he's dead, I am not going to 

collect my money from him.

But you're not dead...you can pay for his services.  I was told that you'd

help me out with this because you owe reparations anyway, what with

your white privilege and all that popular political correctness sh*t that's

the rage at your Democrapic National Committee.

So pony up.  Shed some of that white guilt you carry.  Do that and I'll

tell Antifa not to molest your trash can with one of their abjectly

stupid signs.

Hurry, deals like this won't last.  
Thanks,
Bannister Achmed Salamionrye.  

 

I really didn't expect a response from the originating scammer on this one, but I got one:

 

WHAT ARE YOU  

 

He asked...he got answered with this photo and text:

 

Just an atypical recipient of your email that isn't gibbon a damn about your email.  What are you?  

 

 

I guess the mere idea that he was trading emails with a gibbon was a bit much for the good bannister.

 

As for white guilt...meh.

 

I Was An Email Recipient Of The FBI

Eh...had to put a picture of something there, and this just happened to be handy.

I love how often my character gets emails from the FBI.  Even moreso, when the FBI is trying to give my character money they say he's been swindled out of.

They couldn't solve Hellary's emails, but they can get my fictitious character money.

I'm sure this would have J. Edgar's feather boas molting.

At any rate, here's the ploy:

The Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI) Unit on Africa case (filed IIA-8902-F2) regarding seized Funds of Foreign Individuals and Companies 2010-Date.

 

Attn:   To:Whom it May Concern!
 
Kindly Send your Response to agentaderson.m@gmail.com

 

This email is reaching you from the office of Special Agent in Charge (Michael J. Anderson) in Charge of Chicago Division field (CFO) USA.

 

This message is to inform you after 8 months of thorough investigations in Nigeria regarding seized funds of foreign Individuals and Companies. Your seized funds calculated at total USD$35,000.000.00 (Thirty five Million US Dollars) has been retrieved from the Federal Government of Nigeria.

 

Your funds is now in allocation Bank of Nigeria in Abuja the capital, and we are contacting you with this confidential information, to enable you quickly receive your funds with the assistance and presence of our Agents here in Nigeria.

 

We have been informed by securities that attempts have been made for you to receive your funds, but so far you failed due to dealing with the wrong people officials. We are still here in Nigeria to ensure you and every other persons involved receives your funds this time.

 

We shall deal directly with the Bank in charge of your payment and you deal with us directly and whatever requirements needed, we will ask you to provide immediately to us, and you will receive direct instructions/information on the necessary Bank procedures to follow from us and no one else please take note no one else!.

 

NOTE, PLEASE DO NOT PANIC, WE ARE HERE TO HELP AND GUIDE YOU TO RECEIVE YOUR MONEY.

 

 

Fill out your personal details on the below plain form.

 

 

PRINT OR TYPE IN SPECIFIED SPACES

 

 

PERSONAL INFORMATION'S

 

 

Complete Name : ------------------------------- Country Of Origin: ---------------------

 

Present Address : ----------------------------------- Date Of Birth : ------------------- Sex: ---------------------

 

Marital Status: --------------------Occupation: -------------------------------Tel/Mobile: -----------------

 

kindly attach a Valid I.D copy (D/L / Int'l Passport) --------

 

 

The attached I.D badge is for Special Agent in charge, Michael J. Anderson.

Distributing or Editing is highly prohibited.

This I.D badge is attached for your view only.

 

 

Signed By,

Special Agent in Charge,

Michael J. Anderson

Criminal Investigations Division,

Crimes & Fraud Unit

CFO(Field office)

E-mail: agentaderson.m@gmail.com

 

United States of America

 

This email and any files transmitted with it are confidential and intended solely for the use of the individual or entity to whom they are addressed. If you have received this email in error please notify this office quickly. This message contains confidential information and is intended only for the individual named or addressed. If you are not the named/addressee you should not disseminate, distribute or copy this e-mail. Please notify this office immediately by e-mail if you have received this e-mail by mistake, delete from your system. If you are not the intended recipient you are notified that disclosing, copying, distributing or taking any action in reliance on the contents of this information is strictly prohibited. FBI  

 

 

Yup.  Small wonder they didn't solve anything substantive.

 

So it was time for another edit, brought to you by my 'edit-gone-wild' pet rock, Seymour:

 

 

The Federal Burrito of Ingestiveness (FBI) Unit on Africa case (filed IIA-8902-F2) regarding sneezed-on Funds of Foreign Individuals and Companies 2010-Date.

 

Attn:   Former Director Mueller, Your Thong Is Showing  
Kindly Send your Response to agentaderson.m@gmail.com

 

This email is reaching you from the Democrapic National Committee Indoor Outhouse of Special Agent in Charge (Michael J. Anderson) in Charge of Shotcago Division field (SFO) USA.

 

This message is to inform you that after totally fumbling bigger investigations and allowing politics to override the rule of law, we have -- in one afternoon of coffee laced with meth -- concluded thorough investigations in Nigeria regarding sneezed-on funds of foreign Individuals and Companies. Your take of the sneezed-on funds calculated at total USD $35.00 (Thirty five US Dollars) has been retrieved from the Federal Government of Nigeria in the form of counterfeit bills cleverly disguised as toilet paper.  Only some of which has been used.

We didn't think any of those clowns knew what it was.  We bad.

 

Your pithy portion is now in allocation Bank of Nigeria in Pachooko, which according to teh Gooble Oith app is somewhere other than Liechtenstein, and we are contacting you with this confidential information to enable you to quickly wash your hands of this sordid affair and receive instead a copy of Hellary's latest book, Why Am I Not President Excuse LXXXVIII, with an authentic autograph from one of Bill's bimbo erections.  It too makes for a reasonable toilet paper substitute in an emergency.

We have been informed by securities that attempts have been made for you to receive your funds, but so far you failed due to abject fumbling and bumbling on our end with the wrong people officials. We are still here in Nigeria -- several of our detail have been eaten by the locals at a gala fete which we kinda sorta should orta gone to -- and we need you to finish this up so we can get out of here before the dinner hour this time.

 

We shall deal directly with you and you deal with those cannibal bastard Nigerians directly and whatever requirements needed.  Hey, we think that's fair.  So we ask you to provide immediately to us how we can tell them how to get hold of you -- just figuratively at this point -- and no one else!

 

NOTE: PLEASE DO NOT PANIC IF YOU ARE INVITED TO A GALA FETE IN NIGERIA.  UNLESS, OF COURSE, YOU ATTEND IT.  

 

 

Fill out your personal details on the below form.

 

 

PRINT OR TYPE IN SPECIFIED SPACES

 

 

PERSONAL INFORMATION'S

 

 

Complete Name : ------------------------------- Country Of Origin: ---------------------

 

Present Address : ----------------------------------- Date Of Birth : ------------------- Sex: ---------------------

 

With What Do You Sex: ---------------------Marital Status: --------------------Occupation: -------------------------------

Tel/Mobile: -----------------Kindly explain if you taste like chicken or not: ------------------------------

 

 

The attached I.D badge I accidentally forgot doesn't belong to Special Agent in charge, Michael J. Anderson; it belongs

to the morale goat from our Nigerian Office; her name is Lady Goatdiva.

Distributing or Editing is highly prohibited, though frequently done amongst you bastards online.

 

Signed By,

Special Agent in Charge,

Michael J. Anderson

Culinary Ingestiveness Division,

Online WTF Unit

OWTF (Field office)

E-mail: agentaderson.m@gmail.com

 

This email and any files transmitted with it are ca-ca and intended for the use of any sumbeeyotch what receives it. If you have received this email, be assured that in our eyes you're a sumbeeyotch. This message contains cornfedental information and is intended for the sumbeeyotch what got it. If you are not believing yourself to be sumbeeyotch, rest assured that we investigated you and concluded beyond any doubt that, yes, you are sumbeeyotch. Please notify this office immediately by e-mail if you have received this e-mail and agree that, yes, you are sumbeeyotch. If you are not going to admit the obvious, we'll photoshop a picture of you with an inflatable ostrich leaving a Motel 6 in Estes Park at 3AM and sell it to Wikileaks.  Yes, we will.  

 

 

This latest version of the FBI was none too interested in further repartee with my character, or pet rock.  But rumor has it that Bill wants to speak to him about those photoshopped photos, in case he'd like one for his collection...

---