Thursday, December 28, 2017

They Didn't Dream of This...

What red blooded male wouldn't want to find a bottle, open it, and have HER come out?

Okay, a few of the obvious ones.

But a scammer never saw this angle coming.  Or breathing hard.

Get a load of a scammer who claims to be a genealogist, and found my character's name might have a connection to a wealthy estate:
Greetings from Mark & Woods Ltd,

Mark & Woods Genealogical Investigators specializes in probate research to locate missing heirs and beneficiaries to estates in the United Kingdom and Europe.


We can also help you find wills, obtain copies of certificates, help you to administer an estate, as well as calculating how an estate, intestacy or trust should be distributed.


You may be entitled to a large pay out for an inheritance in the Europe worth US$9.2 million. We have discovered an estate belonging to a deceased, which has remained unclaimed since he died in 2006 and we have strong reasons to believe you are the closest living relative to the deceased we can find.


You may unknowingly be the heir of this person who died without leaving a will (intestate). We will conduct a probate research to prove your entitlement, and can submit a claim on your behalf at no risk to you.


Our service fee of 10% of the Estate and will only be paid to us after you have received the estate. The estate transfer process should take just a matter of days as we have the mechanism and expertise to get this done very quickly. This message may come to you as a shock; however we hope to work with you to transfer the estate to you as quickly as possible.


Feel free to email our senior case worker Mr. mark Craig on email: mark_craig@dbzmail.com for further discussions.


With warm regards,


Mr. Mark B.T. Craig, CEO.


Mark & Woods Ltd.  



Righhhhht.  My character's name came up in THEIR genealogical search for a multi-million dollar estate overseas.

Only a dolt that thinks Hellary Clinton is the smartest woman on Earth would fall for that.

So it was time for an edit...one that played on the service the scammer claimed to be providing.  Just not how it was bein' offered:

 
Greetings from Marked & Other Woods Ltd,

Marked & Other Woods Ltd Genie-ological Investigators specializes in prostrate research to locate missing genies stuck in bottles, boxes, botas, bongs...from the Middle East to the Far East, Near East, the East United Kingdom and...well, f**k...the western parts of alla dem too.

We can also help you find wills, won'ts, whyfornots, photoshop copies of certificates, help you to administer an enema, as well as calculating how an enema -- in or out -- should be distributed.

You may be entitled to largesse beyond your wildest dreams if you find a real genie. If you find something that looks like Osama bin Laden...well, that's a bottle you shoulda put down and backed away from really slowly, since that foulness on his breath is his 72 virgin camels and fact is..they weren't virgin.


We have discovered an estate with a container that kinda sorta looks a little tad bit like there might be a genie therein it; of course, it could also be an unopened bottle of Boone's Farm Blue, circa 1969, that is just waiting to be opened to unleash the grapes of wrath...which at 99 cents a bottle, would be rather wrathful being bottled up since '69.

At any rate, we have strong reasons to believe you are the closest living bone head to take a chance on opening the container we can find.

You may unknowingly be the heir of I Dream Of Jeannie, circa 1969; or a demonic wildebeest hairball, which is what Boone's Farm is allegedly distilled from.



We will conduct a prostate research to prove you have one and are therefore entitled to a shot at the container, and what ecstasy or agonies it contains therein. What's more, we can submit a claim on your behalf at no risk to you until you open it.

At that, we be outta there in case it's the demonic wildebeest hairball.

Our service fee of 10% of what a genie grants you for your first wish will only be paid to us after you have found that it IS a genie in the container and not a demonic wildebeest hairball. We waive all fees if it's the latter. In fact, we don't know you...we never knew you...just who in the f**k ARE you?
 
 


The process should take just a matter of days as we have the mechanism and expertise to monumentally screw the pooch very quickly if it's a negative outcome. At that point, what's negative that came out is all yours.


This message may come to you as a shock; all that much more if it's a demonic wildebeest hairball in that thing.

Feel free to email our senior case worker Mr. Mark Craig who has a mondo hard-on, hoping it's Jeannie in there, on email: mark_craig@dbzmail.com for further disgusting nonsense.

With regards of likely dubious sorts,

Mr. Mark B.T. Craig, CEO.
Marked & Other Woods Ltd
"We dream of Jeannies; we f**king FREAK at demonic wildebeest hairballs!"  


The scammer genealogist quickly decided that a follow up contact with my character was NOT in his best interest.  I'm sure the picture of that hairball did it...

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