Saturday, December 16, 2017

I Was An Email Recipient Of The FBI

Eh...had to put a picture of something there, and this just happened to be handy.

I love how often my character gets emails from the FBI.  Even moreso, when the FBI is trying to give my character money they say he's been swindled out of.

They couldn't solve Hellary's emails, but they can get my fictitious character money.

I'm sure this would have J. Edgar's feather boas molting.

At any rate, here's the ploy:


The Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI) Unit on Africa case (filed IIA-8902-F2) regarding seized Funds of Foreign Individuals and Companies 2010-Date.
 
Attn:   To:Whom it May Concern!
 
Kindly Send your Response to agentaderson.m@gmail.com
 
This email is reaching you from the office of Special Agent in Charge (Michael J. Anderson) in Charge of Chicago Division field (CFO) USA.
 
This message is to inform you after 8 months of thorough investigations in Nigeria regarding seized funds of foreign Individuals and Companies. Your seized funds calculated at total USD$35,000.000.00 (Thirty five Million US Dollars) has been retrieved from the Federal Government of Nigeria.
 
Your funds is now in allocation Bank of Nigeria in Abuja the capital, and we are contacting you with this confidential information, to enable you quickly receive your funds with the assistance and presence of our Agents here in Nigeria.
 
We have been informed by securities that attempts have been made for you to receive your funds, but so far you failed due to dealing with the wrong people officials. We are still here in Nigeria to ensure you and every other persons involved receives your funds this time.
 
We shall deal directly with the Bank in charge of your payment and you deal with us directly and whatever requirements needed, we will ask you to provide immediately to us, and you will receive direct instructions/information on the necessary Bank procedures to follow from us and no one else please take note no one else!.
 
NOTE, PLEASE DO NOT PANIC, WE ARE HERE TO HELP AND GUIDE YOU TO RECEIVE YOUR MONEY.
 
 
Fill out your personal details on the below plain form.
 
 
PRINT OR TYPE IN SPECIFIED SPACES
 
 
PERSONAL INFORMATION'S
 
 
Complete Name : ------------------------------- Country Of Origin: ---------------------
 
Present Address : ----------------------------------- Date Of Birth : ------------------- Sex: ---------------------
 
Marital Status: --------------------Occupation: -------------------------------Tel/Mobile: -----------------
 
kindly attach a Valid I.D copy (D/L / Int'l Passport) --------
 
 
The attached I.D badge is for Special Agent in charge, Michael J. Anderson.
Distributing or Editing is highly prohibited.
This I.D badge is attached for your view only.
 
 
Signed By,
Special Agent in Charge,
Michael J. Anderson
Criminal Investigations Division,
Crimes & Fraud Unit
CFO(Field office)
E-mail: agentaderson.m@gmail.com
 
United States of America
 
This email and any files transmitted with it are confidential and intended solely for the use of the individual or entity to whom they are addressed. If you have received this email in error please notify this office quickly. This message contains confidential information and is intended only for the individual named or addressed. If you are not the named/addressee you should not disseminate, distribute or copy this e-mail. Please notify this office immediately by e-mail if you have received this e-mail by mistake, delete from your system. If you are not the intended recipient you are notified that disclosing, copying, distributing or taking any action in reliance on the contents of this information is strictly prohibited. FBI  
 
 
Yup.  Small wonder they didn't solve anything substantive.
 
So it was time for another edit, brought to you by my 'edit-gone-wild' pet rock, Seymour:
 
 
The Federal Burrito of Ingestiveness (FBI) Unit on Africa case (filed IIA-8902-F2) regarding sneezed-on Funds of Foreign Individuals and Companies 2010-Date.
 
Attn:   Former Director Mueller, Your Thong Is Showing  
Kindly Send your Response to agentaderson.m@gmail.com

 
This email is reaching you from the Democrapic National Committee Indoor Outhouse of Special Agent in Charge (Michael J. Anderson) in Charge of Shotcago Division field (SFO) USA.
 
This message is to inform you that after totally fumbling bigger investigations and allowing politics to override the rule of law, we have -- in one afternoon of coffee laced with meth -- concluded thorough investigations in Nigeria regarding sneezed-on funds of foreign Individuals and Companies. Your take of the sneezed-on funds calculated at total USD $35.00 (Thirty five US Dollars) has been retrieved from the Federal Government of Nigeria in the form of counterfeit bills cleverly disguised as toilet paper.  Only some of which has been used.

We didn't think any of those clowns knew what it was.  We bad.
 
Your pithy portion is now in allocation Bank of Nigeria in Pachooko, which according to teh Gooble Oith app is somewhere other than Liechtenstein, and we are contacting you with this confidential information to enable you to quickly wash your hands of this sordid affair and receive instead a copy of Hellary's latest book, Why Am I Not President Excuse LXXXVIII, with an authentic autograph from one of Bill's bimbo erections.  It too makes for a reasonable toilet paper substitute in an emergency.

We have been informed by securities that attempts have been made for you to receive your funds, but so far you failed due to abject fumbling and bumbling on our end with the wrong people officials. We are still here in Nigeria -- several of our detail have been eaten by the locals at a gala fete which we kinda sorta should orta gone to -- and we need you to finish this up so we can get out of here before the dinner hour this time.
 
We shall deal directly with you and you deal with those cannibal bastard Nigerians directly and whatever requirements needed.  Hey, we think that's fair.  So we ask you to provide immediately to us how we can tell them how to get hold of you -- just figuratively at this point -- and no one else!
 
NOTE: PLEASE DO NOT PANIC IF YOU ARE INVITED TO A GALA FETE IN NIGERIA.  UNLESS, OF COURSE, YOU ATTEND IT.  
 
 
Fill out your personal details on the below form.
 
 
PRINT OR TYPE IN SPECIFIED SPACES
 
 
PERSONAL INFORMATION'S
 
 
Complete Name : ------------------------------- Country Of Origin: ---------------------
 
Present Address : ----------------------------------- Date Of Birth : ------------------- Sex: ---------------------
 
With What Do You Sex: ---------------------Marital Status: --------------------Occupation: -------------------------------

Tel/Mobile: -----------------Kindly explain if you taste like chicken or not: ------------------------------
 
 
The attached I.D badge I accidentally forgot doesn't belong to Special Agent in charge, Michael J. Anderson; it belongs
to the morale goat from our Nigerian Office; her name is Lady Goatdiva.
Distributing or Editing is highly prohibited, though frequently done amongst you bastards online.
 
Signed By,
Special Agent in Charge,
Michael J. Anderson
Culinary Ingestiveness Division,
Online WTF Unit
OWTF (Field office)
E-mail: agentaderson.m@gmail.com
 
This email and any files transmitted with it are ca-ca and intended for the use of any sumbeeyotch what receives it. If you have received this email, be assured that in our eyes you're a sumbeeyotch. This message contains cornfedental information and is intended for the sumbeeyotch what got it. If you are not believing yourself to be sumbeeyotch, rest assured that we investigated you and concluded beyond any doubt that, yes, you are sumbeeyotch. Please notify this office immediately by e-mail if you have received this e-mail and agree that, yes, you are sumbeeyotch. If you are not going to admit the obvious, we'll photoshop a picture of you with an inflatable ostrich leaving a Motel 6 in Estes Park at 3AM and sell it to Wikileaks.  Yes, we will.  
 
 
This latest version of the FBI was none too interested in further repartee with my character, or pet rock.  But rumor has it that Bill wants to speak to him about those photoshopped photos, in case he'd like one for his collection...

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1 Comments:

Blogger Sandee said...

The FBI has lost most of its credibility. You need to distance yourself from them. Well like you did.

Have a fabulous day, Mike. My best to Seymour and Element. ☺

16 December, 2017 07:52  

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