This Edit The Toast of the Clown

It started innocently enough:  just a poor scammer trying to scam my character for some cash by way of a bank scam out of Benin.

Here's his, her, or whichever of 57 gender choices this scammer is:


UNITED NATIONS HUMAN RIGHTS
Washington D.C USA

AUTHORIZATION FOR RELEASE OF UNPAID FUNDS
Dear, Email ID Owner.

Through our Global Intelligence Monitoring Network System we discovered that your long overdue fund has not be paid to you as approved by the fund source and origin, After much consultations and meetings held in Washington D.C USA, the Human Rights Organization has been given express instruction to (UNCC) to direct the West Africa Monetary Agency (WAMA) to re-called unpaid funds that was originated from Africa, Europe, Asia Plus Middle east, Americans, has finally been approved as your email ID is among the list of Beneficiaries that will receive their fund via this message we are pleased to inform you that your fund has been liquidated and converted into international ATM card, Your outstanding payment valued $2,500,000.00 (Two Million Five Hundred Thousand United States Dollars) only has been perfected to be paid to you by the one of the most decorated, Trusted and recognized bank in the Benin Republic.

In consideration of the above, you have been issued with this Exclusive Reference Identification Number. This must be presented to attain your lump sum payment. Please take note and copy this code.The code must be indicated to the institution processing the payment.The Benin UBA Global Bank. No exceptions.(ATM/NR: UNCCORG/IMF/0866/B6) It is also important you note that from our record,you have been in contact with some unauthorized officials and some abnormalities have been observed in your file, which has to be corrected. Also, You are required to forward the following details; full names, address, occupation, age and phone numbers for verification and re-confirmation.

Please contact immediately:

UBA BENIN PAYMENT PROCESSING DEPARTMENTS MR. FELIX A. QUAYE
CONTACT #+229-6439-4826
E-mail::atminfo@messagesafe.co

This instructions is from the custody of the United Nation representative office UK this is for abbreviation of the rate of poverty as we saw your name on the list of unpaid individuals,The United Nation Compensation Commission (UNCC) was created in 1991 as a subsidiary organ of the UN Security Council and the payment has been approved by us to be release to you as we notice your payment has been delayed by uncertain reasons which has just been resolved by us through our power so you are free to receive your funds now.

On behalf of the UN we apologize for the failure to pay your funds on time and for any inconveniences such as approved registered payments being forwarded to our processing institution in Africa. We found your name in our list of people their payment has been delayed so we decide to intervene and help you get paid which we have done. If you receive this mail in your spam folder, it could be due to your Internet Service Provider, ISP. So move to your inbox before your reply.

Yours in service,
Mrs.Susan Hodge
Information Officer
United Nations Funds Investigation Unit.  


Ain't that nice.

My pet rock, Seymour, didn't think so.

Remembering what the exceptionally hilarious Scamalot baiter James Veitch did to one online banking scammer, Seymour decided to bring Veitch in the edit:



From: Information Office <yamatomo@sky.plala.or.jp>
Sent: Tuesday, July 23, 2019 3:48 AM
Subject: Contact UBA Bank for your FREE TOASTER WHEN OPENING NEW ACCOUNT!!

 

UNITED NATIONS HUMAN RIGHTS TO FREE TOASTERS WHEN OPENING NEW ACCOUNTS!!
Washington D.C USA

AUTHORIZATION FOR DELIVERY OF NEW TOASTER
Dear, Email ID Owner.

Through our Global Intelligence Monitoring Network System we discovered that your long overdue FREE TOASTER FOR OPENING A NEW ACCOUNT has not be gived to you as approved by the bank that started the TOASTER BONANAZA with NO RESTRICTIONS and NO HIDDEN FEES.  After much consultations and meetings held in Washington D.C USA, the Human Rights TO FREE TOASTERS WHEN OPENING NEW ACCOUNTS Organization has been given express instruction to (UNCC) to direct the West Africa FREE TOASTER GIVEAWAY Agency (WAFTGA) to get off their fat, lazy asses and start delivering the free toasters to all new account holders in Africa, Europe, Asia Plus Middle east and all Americans except those in the DNC and Newark.

So, we expect that any time now, you will receive ABSOLUTELY FREE, your promised FREE TOASTER FOR OPENING A NEW ACCOUNT at the most decorated, Trusted and recognized bank in the Benin Republic.  Even if it is sometimes called the Royal Bank of Scotland.  Banks can have branches anywhere.  We're working on opening one on Uranus in 2020.

In consideration of the above, you have been issued with this Exclusive Reference Identification Number. This must be presented to attain your FREE TOASTER from our New Account TOASTER BONANZA with no hidden fees or restrictions.  Please take note and copy this code.  The code must be indicated to the institution processing the FREE TOASTER.  The Benin UBA Global Bank -- aka, The Royal Bank of Scotland, with a branch soon coming to Uranus -- sends you this Exclusive Reference Identification Number:  WTF/NR: UNCCORK/OMG/0866/B6.

It is also important you note that from our record that you have been in contact with some unauthorized officials and some abnormalities have been observed in your file, which has to be corrected.  Though, as stated, you get your FREE TOASTER regardless of irregularities, anomalies, antis and uncles, NO MATTER WHAT. 

That is what we do in the Benin Repugnant.  Along with anal sex with emus.

Please contact immediately:

UBA BENIN FREE TOASTER PROCESSING DEPARTMENTS MR. FELIX A. QUAYE
CONTACT #+229-6439-4826
E-mail:  atminfo@messagesafe.co

This instructions is from the custody of the United Nation representative office UK this is for abbreviation of the rate of poverty as we saw your name on the list of unpaid individuals,The United Nation Compensation Commission (UNCC) was created in 1991 as a subsidiary interchangeable sex organ of the UN Security Council and the dispensing of free toasters with no restrictions has been approved by James Veitch and inadvertently agreed to by us as we notice your name on the list of persons not yet receiving of their FREE TOASTER from our FREE TOASTER BONANZA for opening a NEW ACCOUNT with NO RESTRICTIONS APPLIED.  All of which was  delayed by uncertain reasons which has just been resolved by us through our power of Shakespearean flatulence so you are free to receive your FREE TOASTER now.

On behalf of the UN we apologize for the failure to deliver your FREE TOASTER on time and for any inconveniences such as painful rectal itch being forwarded by our emails from Africa.  We hate when this happens and we are making up for lost time by getting you your FREE TOASTER with expedience.  Acting on behalf of a friend. 

If you receive this mail in your spam folder, it could be due to your Internet Service Provider. So move to your inbox before your reply.

Yours in service,
Mrs.Susan Hodge
Information Officer
UNITED NATIONS HUMAN RIGHTS TO FREE TOASTERS WHEN OPENING NEW ACCOUNTS!!

The originating scammer didn't apparently see any need to follow up with Seymour.  But one scammer that bemoaned the fact that neither I nor my pet rock were stopping emailing him all the edits, let his displeasure be knowd:

when you stop all this silly?  pleese leave me lone! 

I not stop all this silly until world-wide TOASTER inequities have been alleviated!  It is that what makes me fulfilled!  


The scammer had nothing more to say, but somehow I suspect that James Veitch would be in agreement with Seymour on that point...





 

Talking Desks Lose Every Time

Yet another talking desk from the UN High Commission.

It hasn't learned any better than the previous talking desks did:   FREE TOASTER with EVERY SCAM wins EVERY TIME!

But...no free toaster....*BUZZZZZZER*.

Here's the effort:

From the desk of Dr.Richard Lynn

United Nation High Commission

405 East 42nd Street, New York

Email : info.unhighcommission01@gmail.com

Phone :  +1682-808-6595

Attn :  Jack,

I,am Mr.Richard Lynn the newly appointed head of operation United Nation High Commission west African region.It was recently brought to my notice by the ministry of foreign affairs commission in regulation to debt,contract/inheritance management that your over due contract payment total sum of US$20,500,000.00 that was supposed to be released by the Rhochevilles Western Bank has been recently placed on holed by the authority to regulate monitory policies attached to International transfer of funds.

hOwever,I have thoroughyly done my investigation lately and realize that your paying Bank did not emply the proper agencies that is in position to endorse your final fund release authority therby making the government to raise eyebrow by putting a stop order of the said fund to protect you from any breach of the law against Money laundry

act or terrorism.

Henceforth,it is important for you to note that the United  antion High commission has been officially assigned to handle issue related to the transfer/delivery of your payment with your payment Bank and will also guide and protect your interest pending when you have confirmed and receive payment/transfer of your fund.

Note,that you must report and forward any further correspondence you receive from anyone or group of people claiming to have the said payment in their possession to prevent impostors/hoodlums taking adavantage of you.

All legal modalities and document's attached to the release of your payment will be procurred and endorsed by the United Nations High Commission's before presenting them to the Bank for immediate release of your payment but you must ensure to reconfirm the information's listed below for onward processing of this exercise in your favor.

1.Your full names and address

2.Age and occupation

3.A copy of your drivers license or passport for proper identification

4.Next of kin name and age

5.Private mobile numbers for easy communication

Information's contained in this message are highly confidential for security purposes you are been advised to keep this transaction urtmost secrecy to avert a thrid party from hijacking your payment.

Confirm receipt of this message and get back to us immediately or call as a matter of urgency.

Dr.Richard Lynn  

 

 

Instead of any chance of back 'n forth, I opted for an edit that at least made passing mention of the free toaster:

 

 

From: Richard Lynn <un.teamsecretary@hotmail.com>
Sent: Thursday, October 12, 2017 3:50 PM
To: longnecked.mofo.gopherpokers101@hotmail.com
Subject: A desk -- yes, furniture -- is about to tell you what the moron sitting behind it can't from United Nations High Commission

 

 

From the desk of Dr. Richard Lynn

one stupid useless mofo occupying space

United Nation High Commission

405 East 42nd Street, New York

Email : info.unhighcommission01@gmail.com

Phone :  +1682-808-6595

Attn : 

I am the inanimate desk of the abject dunce, Mr. Richard Lynn, who because he had pictures of the UN genital suckretary leaving a Motel 6 at 3:45AM with a yak and inflatable Hellary sex toy, is the newly appointed head-up-ass of operation United Nation High Commission west African region.

I needed oxygen after just reading that, and I'm a f**king desk.

It was recently brought to my notice by the menstrual activities of Mr. Richard Lynn, that he was Mrs. Virginia Slim until hearing Ashley Judd go Hellary Clinton on a twat waffle.  That's when she decided to did it.

It really don't pay to be a desk in places like this or around Bill Clinton.

As a desk, I was supposed to inform you of some batshit cra-cra about a ministry of foreign affairs with goats or sheep or some other kinky sh*t commission, and how regulation to douche nozzles means little more than a three peckered goat being turned loose in a ewe convent under contract or some such hooha.  It's all in the disclaimer that isn't attached to this email because I'm a desk not a gawddamned f**king lawyer of dubious antecedence that gives away a free toaster for the first consultation.  Anyway, you didn't inheritance, inheritize or inherent anything that management can't treat with double shots of tequila after work...or even during it. 

If you've never heard of the Rhochevilles Western Bank, relax; not even I had before this.  I think it's Polish and located in Uganda.  They had an apple..and a pen...apple pen...uhh.

hOwever,I have thoroughyly done my best desk investigation lately and realize that none of this sh*t makes one cat crazy ounce of sense.  Kinda like saying  "what?" and some fat guy with a bat yelling "second base!"  But did you know -- and I bet you didn't because I'm telling you something that my menstrual sitter just made up -- that your paying Bank did not know that fallopian tubes were NOT used for firing mortars at enema positions in Liechtenstein?  Or that they had a Money laundry there that guaranteed one day turn around on all your counterfeit bills, petes and other names.

Some consider that an act or terrorism.  I consider terrorism anytime someone sitting at me farts.

Henceforth,it is important for you to note that the United  Nation High commission has been fired and sent to North Korea to wind up in Kim Jong Il's shark tank with what's left of Hans Brix.

Yeah, I saw that movie too, and agree that Pearl Harbor and Ben Afflac sucked.  Him and his pervert friend Harvey.

 Note that you must report and forward any further correspondence you receive from female desks that I might find RrroWWWR Rrrowwrr.  Just cuz I'm a desk don't mean I don't like to get some inserts now and again.  Roll tops...kinky.

All legal modalities and documents attached to a house cat will be shredded in short order.  So don't do that.  If you want ANY of this to come out in your favor, drop the mouse and back away from your email slowly.  Otherwise, send me the following sh*t:

1.Your full names and address

2.Age and occupation

3.A copy of your drivers license or passport for proper identification

4.Next of kin name and age

5.Private mobile numbers for easy communication

6. A picture of you in a tutu that's way too small

Informations contained in this message are highly cornfoluted for suckurity purposes and you are been advised to keep this transaction urtmost secrecy to avert having a thrid party send you to a 72 hour health hold because you were stupid enough to tell them you're following the instructions of a desk.

Confirm receipt of this message in Azerbaijani and get back to us immediately with the 13th astrological sign known as Gorkus, signified by two buzzards colliding in mid-air.  Which pretty much sums up where I as a desk am.

From the desk of Dr.Richard Lynn, formerly Dr. Virginia Slim

forever dubiously antecedent.  

 

 

Nothing seems to kill correspondence from desks that the UN faster than an edit like that.  Maybe next time they'll include an offer of a free toaster.