Monday, July 29, 2013

Bitte Gefallen Undt Can't Gettensee Uppen

Yeah, I know you thought this was soeterocare's train wreck in progress.

It's a good guesstimate of where it's headed, but I digress.

I've heard from scammer Edwin Nicolas before.  In English.  And then in French.

Now, he sprechen ze Deutsch.

Fine wid me.

Not that I am conversant in German; oh, I can sound like I'm sprechening the lingo, but to a genuine German, it'd be Greek.

A family member saw what I dun with Eddie's email and suggested that I use Google Translator; perhaps in some future post.

Winging it is far more fun.

Here's what Edwin sent me:


Ich bin Edwin Nicolas, wenden Sie ich wegen Fonds ($ 10.5Million
Dollar), die nicht beansprucht wurden seit dem Tod meines Mandanten
wem den gleichen Nachnamen mit Ihnen, die Nachfrage der Banken trägt,
dass ich die nächsten Angehörigen sonst kontaktieren seiner Mittel
werden übertragen in die Regierung Rechnung als unzustellbar

Ich brauche Ihre Hilfe, um als nächsten Angehörigen stehen da Sie
thesame Nachnamen mit meinem verstorbenen Client für sofortige
Freisetzung und Übertragung des Sondervermögens in Ihre Bankverbindung
für unsere gegenseitigen Nutzen tragen sonst wird es von der Bank
eingezogen werden

Du musst mir schnell zu kontaktieren für weitere Erklärungen, indem er
erklärt Ihr Interesse.
Bitte nehmen Sie Kontakt mit mir durch meine private E-Mail
( für weitere Details.

Mit freundlichen Grüßen,
Edwin Nicolas (Esq) 

And here is how I chose to edit it, using that form of Douschesprechen that I am so knowd for:


Ich bin Edwin Nicolas, wenden menchausen bitte spitzen sparken undt

hundsfott das anken bitten, die nicht beansprucht midde Jack undt das
giantgruppen (biggen schiesse, das vun) Mannheim Steamblower
wem den gleichen Nachnamen mit cocken sprechen, die Nachfrage der
todt crotchen rotten trägt, dass ich die nächsten Anglefokkendorken sonst
wunderbar midde happy houren undt schtuff, sir das Mittel
werden borkenderkenderken ist kaput undt gefallen see go boom.

Ich brauchewurst das bangen phartfignewton Hilfe, um als pilsen Angus moozen da Sie
matchen Nachos mit meinem verstorcheesen Clint Eastvood für sofortige
Freisenshooten bang bang das maken dayenzee, y'knowenzee?
Du musst mir schnell zu kontakpaten undt wipen das bum undt schtuff Erklärungen,
indem er mastiff vienerschnitzel Ihr Interesse.  Bitte nehmen Sie Kontakt mit mir douche
meine primate E-Mail ( für das schiesse.

Mit vernicht lichen Grüßenferken dorken awpeterstain,
Edwin Nicolas (Esq) 
Perhaps I haven't heard back from Edwin on accounta cuz he DID use Google Translator, and it can't fathom my version.
Ya think?

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Tuesday, July 23, 2013

A Slight Interruption...

The ol' gray Dell just ain't what it used to be,
8 long years agoooo.....

A new system and I should be back blog should be back to what passes for 'normal' around here.

I'll never be mistaken for that  ;-)

Oh...and just for the record...the UK's Royal Family has more class in a Prince Philip fart, than the current potus and his entire cancer cell of a regime combined.


Thursday, July 18, 2013

A Simple Edit Using Contemporary Events

A simple scam email from an alleged banker in Africa makes for a simple edit, applying contemporary events and tools.

And having the current substandard doj (as it has become under this divisive administration) provide a tool to further it, made it quite appropriate.

I must thank a poster on Failbook for providing the email addy set up by the aforementioned failure of a doj to solicit for anyone to email them with alleged civil rights violations committed by George Zimmerman, the just-found-innocent "white hispanic" in the doj and media hijacked case in Florida.

It's the doj's way of saying "we'll get that racist bastard any way we can, because we are gawd".

My response is unprintable.  But this will do.

So anyway...Saviour Abraham sends me a simple email scam from one of the African countries that seem to want to specialize in these things.  Okay, fine:  let's use the doj's nonsense on both them AND the scammer.

First, the scammer's crap, followed by how it was edited:

My Dear friend ,
Good day, I am Mr Saviour Abraham., a staff of Banque Internationale Pour L'Afrique Au Togo,(BIA-TG) I have a business proposal of ($14,200,000.00 USD),Fourteen Million Two Hundred Thousand United States Dollars only in my bank which I know will be of mutual benefit to both of us, and I believe we can handle it together, once we have a common understanding and mutual cooperation in the execution of the modalities. I need your assistance because there is need for a foreign partner in this business, that is why I am contacting you.let me know your opinion or willingness for further comprehensive details as regards to the source of the fund.None of the family member nor relations of the late person is aware of this account.For more information about this crash and people, visit this link about the plane crash. (

Your earliest response to this mail will be highly appreciated. If you are interested reply to me directly to my private email (
for more details. so that I will give you more details. I will like to have the below information for my file record.

Your full names...............
Phone Number..............

My Regards
Mr Saviour Abraham

And now, the edit:

Subject: My Dear civilly violated friend,

Good day, I am Mr Saviour Abraham., a staff of Banque Internationale Pour L'Afrique Au Togo,(BIA-TG).  I wants cash in on current pogrom your doj is waging against a pudgy hispanic so I am here to say that he violate my civils too.  He make face at my mama.  Well he make face at picture of my mama.  How I know this?  Because pmsnbc tell was Rachel Madcow that say this, yes?  Or Toure.  Or Melissa Perry.  One of them.  So since I heared it on pmsnbc, I knowd it to be probably not true but worth cashing in on anyways.
Your earliest response to this mail will be highly appreciated. If you are interested reply to me directly to my private email ( and tells me more on how I can get my civils righted
for more details. I will like to have the below information for my file record.

Your full names...............
Phone Number..............
In One Hundred Words Or Less (I have attention deficit on order), Tell Me How I right my civils via you:

My Regards
Mr Saviour Abraham

Oh, I'm not worried about winding up on a 'watch list' of the doj; I'm a registered voting, taxpaying, patriotic American conservative, so I already am.

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Friday, July 12, 2013

Asked 'n Answered

Sometimes, it's as simple as asked and answered.

A scammer sends me an email.  I edit it and send it back.

Sometimes, the scammer doesn't need to be a rocket scientist to know that me is not where he's going to make his bread 'n butter.

Sometimes, it takes a little more to sink in.

Here was a scammer that did take a little sinkage.

Not much, but a little.

A simple email scam:
Your EMAIL ADDRESS won you £1,000,000.00 GBP in the APPLE IPHONE CASH SPLASH with Ref No: AP-APIP2013. Email us at (
) or 00447937606007 for details. 
Calls for a simple edit:
Subject: ASSHOLE IPHRAUD HAGGIS SPLASH!!!!! Bloody mahvelous, isn't it bloke? Your bloomin' EMAIL ADDRESS won you a whacking great pile of moulderng haggis that will cost more than £1,000,000.00 GBP to enviro-f**king-mentally reclamate!
How do we bloody do cock ups like this, laddie buck? Because we're whacking great wankers of the worst genital wart kind, me lad.
So you bloody wog, contact instanters the ASSHOLE IPHRAUD HAGGIS SPLASH with Ref No: APHUCKINGMUGUHERE-2013. Send that bloody email to us at or if you're a gullible blood pudding 'n kidney pie type you can bloody well call us at 00447937606007 for details.  
Some bloomin' reprobate is answerin' the ruddy phone 'bout now
I was gratified to receive a ‘curiosity’ reply from the reputed scammer:
wtf is this?  
Asked and answered:
wtf does it look like, ya bloody fool?  
He didn’t bother to tell me what it looked like. He knew.


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Monday, July 8, 2013

A Pet Rock Goes Francais

While on a visit, Seymour -- the world travelling pet rock -- got hisself a moustache.

He thought it made him look worldly.

I thought it made him look like a Pringles Potato Chip commercial.

"Did NOT!!!"


At any rate, I got an email scam from  honela durmas  that was all writ in French.  Or, as Seymour insisted, Francais.  And he wanted to be the one to edit the reply.  In Francais. 

Who'm I to deny a worldly-looking pet rock widda Pringles commercial 'stache?

"Is NOT!!!!!!"

So for this edit, I let Seymour lay on his best "sack le blue" dialect to respond to the scammer and about 50 of his friends and peers.

Worry not, readers; it's "merci beau coup" short:

Subject: salut mon cher ami boned chance le fondu ami!

My cheri amour, messy bird coup save ze bone...
my cheri amour, boneless nachos le fock up...
my cheri amour, creepy suzette le mon deu est twatwaffle!
when le moon hits mon eye like a big pizza pie, that's
a food fight...le duck.
salut mon correspondance.  Je mensch da twot muy bien mondu boche douche!
Je m'appelle honela dummass j'ai 28 ans weigh le 450 kgs.  Le holy cowmoo!
C'est le gary indiana jones!  Je suis là pour corresponde avec vous les miserables en fante bowel le poots, bien?
Je suis masturbate midde cheese grater...sach le shred!  Je vous pris de me répondre a mon
Fountain blew nom de grrrrr Messy beautwat, mon ami!  Pastry resistant!

Now, I realize I could have used teh gooble translator to decipher the frenchie gobbletalk; but why bother when I have a worldly pet rock with a Pringles 'stache to do it for me?
"Is NOT!!!  Le BoneHaid!"
I'm betting that last was NOT francais...

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Friday, July 5, 2013

Underwriting, Scam-Edit Style

A scammer -- already four times thwarted -- is back again.

Or probably just another schlep from the same fly-infested Nigerian internet cafe, trying again.  Okay, fine.

Susan Loans of Nigeria wants Ben Dover to try taking out a loan AGAIN, for a pithy $200 fee.

Nigerians scammers are pretty easy.

So instead of playing the game as heretofore -- and making the scammer mad when I 'sent' the $200 fee via a badly-fuzzied Western Union receipt, one they couldn't cash -- I just decided to 'accept' their loan agreement, but with a proviso I didn't warn them about aforehand.

I undertook to be edit their scam underwriter's Agreement of Terms and Conditions.  Personally, I think I would have made a helluvan underwriter.

My pet rock, Seymour, just did the nearest thing he can to a *face palm*:

From: Susan Loan <>
To: Ben Dover <>
Sent: Wednesday, July 3, 2013 9:31 AM
Subject: Loan Approved/Repayment Plan & Conditions

Dear Applicant,

This is to inform you that your application of the loan amount of $200,000.00 have been approved in the repayment terms of 15 years duration.  Note that you cannot hear us laughing that you have applied for this, and actually think you're going to get it.  Wow..just f**king WOW.

That said, we happily grant you the illusion that we make this loan to you, subject to certain conditions to be reference herein later on.  We like the sound of that legalese sh*t.  Really.
You are expected to acknowledge the contents herein and read carefully, because there's a clue buried herein for the winner of the next Super Bowl.  If you find it, please let us know so we know how to bet the game in Vegas.  Below is Your Loan repayment schedule and a series of conditions that will make sense on about your seventeenth margarita:

Loan Amount:  $200,000.00 
Loan Interest Rate:  30.00%
Loan Term:  15 years
Monthly Loan Payment: $13,381.16 
Number of Payments:  1800
Cumulative Payments:  $248,609.000.55 
Total Interest Paid:  $48,609,000.55 

Note: The monthly loan payment was calculated by a suit-wearing chimp with an abacus and a banana pointer.  

Noter:   Since you're being so reasonable and all, we are waiving the insurance and transfer charges of your loan funds which was supposed to have been $200.  Please note that we do not do this for most schleps we loan to, so you should be honored.  Please also notest that if our handlers here read that, Susan Loan is going to drop her vagina, which is not a good idea what with the army ants all over the floor here.
A cursory "WTF?" will be in order here if the next section is somehow executed as a result herefrom commencement of this action.


The applicant will, upon receipt of loan funds, notify us as to how the f**k THAT happened.
To proceed with this transaction you are to agree to the following terms listed below:
1.           I agree to the establishment of a unicorn rehabilitation program somewhere here on Earth and will donate a portion of my loan funds to this end.

2.           I agree to prompt notifications whereby notification of prompts is summarily not waived in adherence to the agreement heretofore as regards prompts and waivers of same not hereby addressed therewithout that having been stated succinctly herein.  Whatever the f**k we just said.

3.           I agree that this transaction blows goats and that the originators of said loan are liable for any blown goats that are rendered useless to their respective herd heretofore, five, or whatever the time was at the time of the blow.  

4.           I agree that a copy of the movie Mars Attacks can be obtained via Netflix and subtitled in Afrikaaners.

5.           I agree that I will not involve in any form of taunting big eyed space aliens with monocles.

6.           I agree to only use tuna that in no way, shape or form, harmed any spotted owls in the catching and processing thereof.  

7.           I agree not to fart in any elevator wherein a herd of yaks can be stampeded.

8.     I agree that genital warts are probably democrat in origin.

9.     I swear on a stack of Pillsbury biscuits that Nancy Pelosi is really from Uranus, and they were only too glad to be shed of it.

10.   I agree that any points herein not covered can be tarped at any time.

11.  I agree that you still haven't told me who the f**k Ogun is.

You are to comply with the various and sundry terms herein and wherewithin your powers of jurisimprudence, in sofar as are the powers of mice and men, wherefrom all Shakespearian quotations are non sequitur if referencing cats and women.  This agreement to immediately complete this transaction cannot be legally binding upon any persons or person-like things from Uranus or other planets named to denigrate them anally or genitally.  Void where ingested with Exlax, which is not understood in Nigeria, Benin, Ivory Coast, and Detroit.  Terms and conditions vary in opposing climates.  Your results may vary.  If so, we don't f**king care.

Thanks, Mugu Yutz
 Mr. Roland Gabriel.
Susan Loan Service
Area 2 Block 11 Zain Road,
Garki Abuja,
Phone: +234-805-379-1036
The reply I got back on this was written in extra large lettering, so that I guess I could understand the sentiment that it was writ with:  

I don't reckon that I'm mad...but it's apparent that they are.  Let's play on that some by revisiting my question that was never answered in a longer series of exchanges with this outfit:

Mad?  Me?  Nah.  Just had three concussions and parts of a fourth.

But your response gives me the opportunity to address a point you never answered one of the last times we went around this tail chase:  who the f**k is Ogun?  Better still...let me ask him directly....

Ogun..Olgun...whatever the f**k you are....if you're the one running this particular Nigerian fly-infested internet cafe, I simply must ask you:  where do you hire the morons that you hire?  Do you go out and do it yourself?  Do you use a 'scammer hiring agency'?  Do you use the 'wanted ads'? 
I ask this because, Ogun whoever the f**k you are, you are hiring some pretty stupid mugus to do this work for you.  Really.  This is the 5th time your mugus have contacted me, and this is the 5th time they have been left with wildebeest sh*it on their faces for the whole internet world to see.
On a previous scam, one of your hirelings remarked to me that "Ogun kill me".  Well...did you?  He was a failure as a scammer.  So is this one.
So you'll have openings to fill, I reckon.
With that in mind, you might consider using a talent agency for your hiring.  And require that candidates take a pre-employment drug screen.  And pass a literacy test.  And demonstrate that they don't spend their break time sniffing monkey butts or whatever it is they sniff.
Of course, I could be wrong...there could be nothing wrong with the talent you're hiring, Ogun.
The problem could be YOU.  YOU may be the biggest mugu moron in the jungle there. 
Either way, Ogun, your operation is a laughing stock.  I've posted it on my blog.  The internet world is learning about you and the pathetic, piss poor, mugu operation you run.
You really should be learning from mistakes, and not constantly repeating them.
Of course, should you or your morons contact me again, I'll be only too happy to play.  And make you look mugu a 6th time.  And a 7th.  8th...9 millionth.  How many ever times you stupidly contact me, Ogun. 
I'm still waiting on a reply from Ogun.  Or the next round from Susan Loan Service  ;-)

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Monday, July 1, 2013

One A Dem "Oh Whoops" Moments In Scamdumb

Sometimes, scammers are almost as stupid as liberal low information voters.

Which turns out pretty funny, except around this particular scammer's fly-infested Third World internet cafe.

As I've reported to y'all, I've started receiving a new wave of "dating scam" emails.  All of which are very unconvincing to a person who's been scambaiting/scam editing for the past 14 years.

But sometimes, the scammer makes it obvious to EVERYONE.  Literally.

Take this scammer.  Read carefully "her" email pitch:

On 6/28/13, baby hun <> wrote:
> Hi dear
> How are you today, I hope all is well with you .I am sorry to worry you
> with my Proposal for a relationship with you, but I know that you will
> grant my request in good  sense and understanding, My name is miss zarrina
> i saw your profile today in the internet friendship site
>  and became intrested in you,i will also like to know  more about you.i'm
> hoping to hear from you soon so that I can send you more details about my
> self Including my picture. I believe we can move from here. Bear in mind
> that  friendship and Love has no colors barrier, no educational back ground
> barrier, no socio-economic Barrier, religious, language, nationality or
> distance barrier, the only important Thing there is love.
> Yours Sincerely zarrina

Other than the fact that the email address is to a "zarrinalarry", it's pretty run of the mill, ain't it?  Of course, there are the other 'tells':

- it didn't come addressed directly to my email addy
- I don't have an internet 'profile' for this email address
- it's written in boilerplate Nigerian scammese

But there was one other wee little 'tell' that not only unmasked this as a scam, but a very poorly thought out one by the scammer.

"She" used CC for all the addresses "she" sent it to, instead of "BCC".

Can you say "oh whoops"?

Perhaps you can say "of f***ing whoops", when you see that the email was sent to almost 400 other addresses, along with yours.

Yes...almost 400.  All of whom get to see who "she" sent this to.

The results were, I am sure, not what "she" or her handlers expected.

A number of the "almost 400" chose to reply directly to "she"...along with the rest of us almost 400.

A quick cherrypicking of the responses leads one to believe that "she" has been less than convincing here:

- This is a scam. The bitch is going to start to ask you to send her money. She was stupid enough to include all the email addresses of everyone she contacted. Do not deal with this scammer. if you want to
scam bait her and waste your time...feel free.

- mugu mek i hear word may shango take ur drunken father for his ashawo scrobo oooo

- what a stupid f***ing douche.  Yeah, tell all 380 plus of us what a stupid bitch you are!

- get sterilized you silly cow.  ur too stupid to breed.

- f**k off scammer.

- How does ANYONE WITH A BRIAN FALL FOR THIS SH*T?  (I think we know what they meant).

- F**k you whoever sent this message. Scamming ass motherf**ker. S**k my dick for some bus fare. Oh wait are there buses in Nigeria? Dickeater. Oh how smart of you to send a scam email to like 380 people. F**k learn to scam first bitch

- You love me so you sent this to almost 400 people?

You get the general ideer.

Well naturally, I couldn't resist joining the commenters...but I did so in the manner used so often lately.  I edited the email and sent it back to Zarrina Larry and all of "her" almost 400 new 'admirers':

 Hi dear
How are you today, I hope all is well with you and your respective genitals, whatsoever they may be.  I am sorry if I worry you with my Proposal for a relationship with you, but my inflatable baboon can be patched no mores and I know that you will be a credible substitute for my inner prostitute, yes I do know this because my friend at NSA say you calling prostitutes all time.

My name is miss zarrina; my internet friends without web cams call me "hun"; my family call me Larry.

I have sick family, no?  i saw your profile today in the internet friendship site that my handlers refer me to and while busy swatting fruit flies away from my mouldering snatch, I think that mebbe I can make some money here, yes? 
I am became intrested in you because I like big strong yaks; wildebeests smell too funny.  i will also like to know  more about you, whether you like it doggie style or inflatable.  I good either way.
.i'm hoping to hear from you soon so that I can send you more details about my self.  But suffice it to say I am the woman that every man's mama warns him to run from fastly.  Partially 'cuz I too fat to keep up.
Elephant sh*t, was I opposed to omit that here?   
After we learn more about each, I believe we can move from here and live happy ever after in Detroit.  Food stamps and free cell phones iz plentiful there, yes?
Bear in mind that  friendship and Love has no dealer prep and options, no educational back ground
barrier because it easy to love stupid, no socio-economic Barrier that can't be scammed, religious, language, nationality or distance barrier, the only important Thing there is whachu gots and whose yer daddy.  Absolutely somma which has do with this intent in my emails.
Yours Sincerely zarrina
That didn't get any comment from the scammer -- who's probably running for cover after "her" handlers saw the obvious gaffe in the email -- but one of the "almost 400" had something to say:
- do you do camels doggie style?
Lesson to scammers:  want to lose your audience?  Use "CC" instead of "BCC".  Works pretty much every time  ;-)

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