Friday, July 5, 2013

Underwriting, Scam-Edit Style

A scammer -- already four times thwarted -- is back again.

Or probably just another schlep from the same fly-infested Nigerian internet cafe, trying again.  Okay, fine.

Susan Loans of Nigeria wants Ben Dover to try taking out a loan AGAIN, for a pithy $200 fee.

Nigerians scammers are pretty easy.

So instead of playing the game as heretofore -- and making the scammer mad when I 'sent' the $200 fee via a badly-fuzzied Western Union receipt, one they couldn't cash -- I just decided to 'accept' their loan agreement, but with a proviso I didn't warn them about aforehand.

I undertook to be edit their scam underwriter's Agreement of Terms and Conditions.  Personally, I think I would have made a helluvan underwriter.

My pet rock, Seymour, just did the nearest thing he can to a *face palm*:

From: Susan Loan <>
To: Ben Dover <>
Sent: Wednesday, July 3, 2013 9:31 AM
Subject: Loan Approved/Repayment Plan & Conditions

Dear Applicant,

This is to inform you that your application of the loan amount of $200,000.00 have been approved in the repayment terms of 15 years duration.  Note that you cannot hear us laughing that you have applied for this, and actually think you're going to get it.  Wow..just f**king WOW.

That said, we happily grant you the illusion that we make this loan to you, subject to certain conditions to be reference herein later on.  We like the sound of that legalese sh*t.  Really.
You are expected to acknowledge the contents herein and read carefully, because there's a clue buried herein for the winner of the next Super Bowl.  If you find it, please let us know so we know how to bet the game in Vegas.  Below is Your Loan repayment schedule and a series of conditions that will make sense on about your seventeenth margarita:

Loan Amount:  $200,000.00 
Loan Interest Rate:  30.00%
Loan Term:  15 years
Monthly Loan Payment: $13,381.16 
Number of Payments:  1800
Cumulative Payments:  $248,609.000.55 
Total Interest Paid:  $48,609,000.55 

Note: The monthly loan payment was calculated by a suit-wearing chimp with an abacus and a banana pointer.  

Noter:   Since you're being so reasonable and all, we are waiving the insurance and transfer charges of your loan funds which was supposed to have been $200.  Please note that we do not do this for most schleps we loan to, so you should be honored.  Please also notest that if our handlers here read that, Susan Loan is going to drop her vagina, which is not a good idea what with the army ants all over the floor here.
A cursory "WTF?" will be in order here if the next section is somehow executed as a result herefrom commencement of this action.


The applicant will, upon receipt of loan funds, notify us as to how the f**k THAT happened.
To proceed with this transaction you are to agree to the following terms listed below:
1.           I agree to the establishment of a unicorn rehabilitation program somewhere here on Earth and will donate a portion of my loan funds to this end.

2.           I agree to prompt notifications whereby notification of prompts is summarily not waived in adherence to the agreement heretofore as regards prompts and waivers of same not hereby addressed therewithout that having been stated succinctly herein.  Whatever the f**k we just said.

3.           I agree that this transaction blows goats and that the originators of said loan are liable for any blown goats that are rendered useless to their respective herd heretofore, five, or whatever the time was at the time of the blow.  

4.           I agree that a copy of the movie Mars Attacks can be obtained via Netflix and subtitled in Afrikaaners.

5.           I agree that I will not involve in any form of taunting big eyed space aliens with monocles.

6.           I agree to only use tuna that in no way, shape or form, harmed any spotted owls in the catching and processing thereof.  

7.           I agree not to fart in any elevator wherein a herd of yaks can be stampeded.

8.     I agree that genital warts are probably democrat in origin.

9.     I swear on a stack of Pillsbury biscuits that Nancy Pelosi is really from Uranus, and they were only too glad to be shed of it.

10.   I agree that any points herein not covered can be tarped at any time.

11.  I agree that you still haven't told me who the f**k Ogun is.

You are to comply with the various and sundry terms herein and wherewithin your powers of jurisimprudence, in sofar as are the powers of mice and men, wherefrom all Shakespearian quotations are non sequitur if referencing cats and women.  This agreement to immediately complete this transaction cannot be legally binding upon any persons or person-like things from Uranus or other planets named to denigrate them anally or genitally.  Void where ingested with Exlax, which is not understood in Nigeria, Benin, Ivory Coast, and Detroit.  Terms and conditions vary in opposing climates.  Your results may vary.  If so, we don't f**king care.

Thanks, Mugu Yutz
 Mr. Roland Gabriel.
Susan Loan Service
Area 2 Block 11 Zain Road,
Garki Abuja,
Phone: +234-805-379-1036
The reply I got back on this was written in extra large lettering, so that I guess I could understand the sentiment that it was writ with:  

I don't reckon that I'm mad...but it's apparent that they are.  Let's play on that some by revisiting my question that was never answered in a longer series of exchanges with this outfit:

Mad?  Me?  Nah.  Just had three concussions and parts of a fourth.

But your response gives me the opportunity to address a point you never answered one of the last times we went around this tail chase:  who the f**k is Ogun?  Better still...let me ask him directly....

Ogun..Olgun...whatever the f**k you are....if you're the one running this particular Nigerian fly-infested internet cafe, I simply must ask you:  where do you hire the morons that you hire?  Do you go out and do it yourself?  Do you use a 'scammer hiring agency'?  Do you use the 'wanted ads'? 
I ask this because, Ogun whoever the f**k you are, you are hiring some pretty stupid mugus to do this work for you.  Really.  This is the 5th time your mugus have contacted me, and this is the 5th time they have been left with wildebeest sh*it on their faces for the whole internet world to see.
On a previous scam, one of your hirelings remarked to me that "Ogun kill me".  Well...did you?  He was a failure as a scammer.  So is this one.
So you'll have openings to fill, I reckon.
With that in mind, you might consider using a talent agency for your hiring.  And require that candidates take a pre-employment drug screen.  And pass a literacy test.  And demonstrate that they don't spend their break time sniffing monkey butts or whatever it is they sniff.
Of course, I could be wrong...there could be nothing wrong with the talent you're hiring, Ogun.
The problem could be YOU.  YOU may be the biggest mugu moron in the jungle there. 
Either way, Ogun, your operation is a laughing stock.  I've posted it on my blog.  The internet world is learning about you and the pathetic, piss poor, mugu operation you run.
You really should be learning from mistakes, and not constantly repeating them.
Of course, should you or your morons contact me again, I'll be only too happy to play.  And make you look mugu a 6th time.  And a 7th.  8th...9 millionth.  How many ever times you stupidly contact me, Ogun. 
I'm still waiting on a reply from Ogun.  Or the next round from Susan Loan Service  ;-)

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Blogger Sandee said...

I don't think you are mad one bit. Never did. Bwahahahahahahaha.

Have a terrific day. My best to Seymour. :)

05 July, 2013 10:09  
Blogger Right Truth said...

" ... four times thwarted ... "

And yet you " ... make me get hope ..." Ha

So many scans, so little time to keep up with them all I suppose.

Right Truth

06 July, 2013 18:01  

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