Try Reading The Response Next Time...Dummy

Hello.  This h'yar is Miss Rose.  Or so she claims.

Not bad, eh?

I reckon from this picture you might deduce that life ain't too bad for Miss Rose, right?

Well...would you still feel that way if I told you that Miss Rose sent this picture from a refugee camp in Senegal?

Yeah...me too.

However, Miss Rose wants me to think differently.  And here's her initial effort to give me the business:


Dearest One,

I am Miss Rose Mathew young medical student from Sierra Leone in Africa and
presently i am residing in the refugee camp here in Senegal as a result of the
civil war going on in my country. I would like to go into a partnership with
you; it is my pleasure to contact you for a business venture which I intend to
establish in your country. Though I have not met with you before but I believe
one has to risk confident in succeed sometimes in life. There is this huge
amount US$17,000.000 (Seventeen Million United States Dollars) which my late
Father deposited on my name in the suspense account with one Bank before his
Death.

Now I have decided to invest this money in your country or anywhere safe
enough outside Africa for security and political reasons. I want you to help me
claim and retrieve these fund from the Bank and transfer it into your personal
account in your country for investment purposes, since the money is deposited
in the suspense account I can not have access to the fund until it is
transferred out from the account that is why I am contacting you to assists me
and see that the Bank transfer the money into your personal account for to me
to leave this country and meet you over there.

I am honorably seeking your assistance in the following ways:

(1) To provide a bank account into which this money would be transferred to.
(2) To serve as a guardian of this fund.
(3) To make arrangement for me to come over to your country to further my
education and to secure a resident permit in your country.

If you can be of assistance to me I will be pleased to offer you 10% of the
total fund, and again we are going to invest together and share what ever
profit we make together, I want you to get back to me as soon as possible so
that I will tell you what next step to take to enable us conclude this
transfer.

Please reply through this email: rosematthew2631@yahoo.com

I am waiting for your soonest response.
Yours Sincerely,

Miss. Rose Mathew 


Respond, I did.  With one of my usual edits:


I am Miss Rose Mathew young prostitute student from Sierra Leone in Africa and
presently i am residing in the refugee camp here in Senegal as a result of the
civil war going on in my country and the need for prostitutes to keep soldiers

on leave from raping the local goats. I would like to go into a partnership with
you; it is my pleasure to contact you for a business venture which I intend to
establish in your country. Though I have not met with you before but I believe
one has to risk confident in succeed sometimes in life.

 

In my prostitution time here I have made roughly $17,000.000 in West African

francs...not sure what that comes to in US dollars, but probably not that much.

 

Still, it beats what I was making as a waitress in a fly-infested internet café.

 

 Now I have decided to invest this money in your country or anywhere safe
enough outside Africa for security and political reasons. I want you to help me
claim and retrieve these fund from the Bank and transfer it into your personal
account in your country for investment purposes, since the money is deposited
in the suspense account I can not have access to the fund until it is
transferred out from the account that is why I am contacting you to assists me
and see that the Bank transfer the money into your personal account for to me
to leave this country and meet you over there.

I am honorably seeking your assistance in the following ways:

(1) To provide me an out of country address I can use for my visa.
(2) To serve as my go-between with a gynecologist.
(3) To make arrangement for me to establish a thriving prostitution practice

in your country where I'm paid in dollars instead of these butt-wipe-valued

West African francs.

(4) I also need you to schedule me a vaginal rebushing, 'cuz these Senegalese

militia bastards are insatiable.

If you can be of assistance to me I will be pleased to offer you 10% of the
profits.  I might even spread for you at cost.  I want you to get back to me as

soon as possible so that I will tell you what next step to take to enable us

to set up a lucrative house of prostitution for me to work and run.   

 

 

It will become very apparent that Miss Rose did not bother to read what I dun to her email; she merely noted that I sent it back without 'saying anything'.  I think my edit said plenty.

 

But she didn't get the ideer from my edit, here's the not-too-lengthy back 'n forth that ensued betwixt her and the character I chose for this episode:

 

 

Hi Dear,

You did not say anything about helping me out.

I will waiting to hear from you.

From Miss Rose 

 

 

Well...what kind of help are you requiring there, Ma'am? 

Thank you very much for you mail and how was your last night? and how is business over there? Yes we have not communicated before and i want you to assure me that you will not going to run away with this money once the money is transfer in to your bank account because this is the only thing that my late father leave for me before his death.

Honestly, my day's is not so good since I came over here in Dakar-Senegal in this prison called refugee camp; we are only allowed to go out only on Mondays and Fridays of the weeks. It’s just like one staying in the prison and I hope by God's grace I will come out here soon.

I don't have any relatives now whom I can go to, all my relatives ran away in the middle of the war and I am confuse here in the camp, I don't know what to do anymore, I appeal to you for help so that I can come out of this situation to meet with you in your country to continue my education because I did not complete my education when the war take place.

I kept this as a secret to people in the camp here the only person that knows about it is the Reverend here because he is like a father to me.So in the light of above i will like you to keep it to yourself and don't tell it to anyone for i am afraid of loosing my life and the money if people gets to know about it.Remember i am giving you all this information due to my condition there.I like honest and understanding person, truthful, truth and hardworking.

This transaction is a 100% legal,i am confident of that and believe in little time you will see things yourself, Please try and know that this money is in the bank and all you need is to contact the bank and seek for an advice on how the money will be transferred into your account. I have already inform them my heart desire which they promise to help me if i get a reliable foreign partner that will be sincere.

You as my helper you will have nothing to regret.Please try and give me all your information's below so that i can give you the contact of the bank so that you can contact the bank for the transfer of this money to your bank account in your country.

YOUR FULL NAME------------------
YOUR RESIDENTIAL ADDRESS---------
YOUR PHONE NUMBER----------------
OCCUPATION-----------------------
YOUR NATIONALITY-----------------
YOUR AGE-------------------------

The above information will enable me to send a letter to the bank,This letter will allow them recognized you when you are acting on my behalf,Upon receiving this information i will send to you the contact of the bank so that you will contact them.

Note that all i have said are word of sincere,i am confident in this.I try to call you with the number that you give to me but is not going.Honey i am waiting for the above information from you so that I can give you the contact of the bank so that you can contact them for the transfer of the money.  

Dear Ms Rose, 

Here is the information you need from me.  I will do all that I can to help you. 

Yours,

Jack

 

YOUR FULL NAME------------------                 Jack N. Ewehoff
YOUR RESIDENTIAL ADDRESS---------      *** ******* Street  Central City CO 80427
YOUR PHONE NUMBER----------------           ***-***-****
OCCUPATION-----------------------                   Renewable Energy Scatology Research Analyst
YOUR NATIONALITY-----------------             American
YOUR AGE-------------------------                     41 

My love Jack.
Good morning to you and how was your last night over there? Honey i see the information you send to me thank for it and i have send it to the bank and tell them about you. One i hear from them i will let you know and send you the bank information so that you will contact them.  Honey please can you help me with any amount of money so that i can buy food stuff  cloth and ice cream,  Please i will be waiting to hear from you.   


Ice cream???  Okaayyyy:

It would be helpful to me to know exactly how much money you require, both immediately and in the immediate future.  And will it work best to send it in dollars, or do you need me to have it sent in a different denomination?   Let me know that and how you keep ice cream from melting there.   

 

 

She doesn't bother to say anything more about the ice cream:

My love Jack.
My love thank for you mail and please any amount that you can send to me to help me please so that i can buy food stuff cream and cloth like underwear, My love you can send it in dollars.

Here is the information,
Fist Name Rose,
Second Name. Matthew.
City Dakar.
Country Senegal.

Please one you send the money you let me know and send the information to me so that i can go and pict it please i try the number that you send to me but is not going please put the code.  

 

Right-o, Ms Rose.  I'll get some money together and out to you in the next couple days.

You can count on that.  I like ice cream too.

Jack   

 

 

My love Jack.

Thank for your mail and and how was your last night over there? My love please am waiting as you promise that you will send me the money. And once i hear from the bank i will let you know and send you the bank contact so that you can contact them.  I will be waiting to hear from you.  

 

 

As luck would have it, I get paid today, so I will be able to wire you some money later today.  I'll use the information you gave me to wire it to.  Hang in there and soon there'll be ice cream!  

 

 

Thank for your mail and and how was your last night over there? My love please am waiting as you promise that you will send me the money. And once i hear from the bank i will let you know and send you the bank contact so that you can contact them.  

 

 

Will $700 or so be enough to help you get ice cream?  

My love i told you that any amount that you send then i can manage it. Please help with any one that you can send and once you send it you send me the information ok.  

 

 

Okay....later today I will be wiring you about 700.  Hope you find it enlightening.  Don't let your ice cream melt.  

 

 

Please can you send  me the information that you use and send the money. or you scan the payment slip and send to me,  please i will be waiting for the sending information from you. like senders name question and answer and control number.
I will be waiting to hear from you.  

 

 

Okay...she's ignored the ice cream comments after bringing it up herself, so now's the time to send her 700 in the form of seven of these attached to the email:

 

You scream, I scream, and now she'll scream for ice cream...NOT:

 

 

Ms Rose, I believe in expedience here, so I am sending you the information attached to this email.

You may download, print and cash this 700 with my compliments.   Ice cream for all! 

 

 

Miss Rose, the Baskin Robbins 30 some-odd flavors falling from her eyes at last, is not amused:

 

 

f*** u and yr ice crem!! 

 

 

Sorry, I just cain' hep myself h'yar:

 

 

That'll just make it melt faster, Rosie. 

 

 

Needless to say, I didn't put her in a Good Humor here...*ducking boos and throwd little wooden ice cream spoons....*

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

This One Is In Seymour's Realm Of Expertise

As soon as I saw the story, I knew that there was but one source to seek out on it.

Apparently NASA -- at the behest perhaps of the Soetero regime -- is planning to 'lasso' an asteroid, and tow it into a proximity orbit of the Moon, for purposes of study, etc.

Okaaayyyyyyyyyy.

Considering the failure rate of this regime, I reckon yet another mondo flop is called for.

When I showed this story to my pet rock, Seymour, he was nonplused.

But instead of one of his textbook "phffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffft!"s, Seymour instead insisted on editing the story.

Fine by me.

With no further adieu (gesundheit), Seymour Edits Again:

Is NASA's Plan to Lasso an Asteroid To Impregnate Lindsay Lohan Really Legal?

NASA's ambitious asteroid-capture mission to repopulate the species by impregnating Lindsay Lohan is seemingly being blueprinted with little dialogue about whether or not it is actually legal or makes any f***ing sense.

NASA intends to kidnap an asteroid and drag it, kicking and screaming, to a stable orbit near the moon, where it can be used to impregnate Lindsay Lohan, perhaps as early as 2021. But does this bold plan run afoul of 1967's Outer Space Treaty (OST), or the 1979 Further Outer Space Treaty (FOST), or the 1998 Clinton Really Out There Cosmic Happenings (CROTCH), not to mention the 2011 Barry Hussein Soetero “You Didn't Build That Asteroid” Initiative (WTF?) which provides the basic framework for pretty much f***ing up things in space along the lines of what Soetero did for Detroit?

There's also concern about the 1972 Convention on International Liability for Damage Caused by Space Objects thing, but Soetero's team of disbarred lawyers believe that, in keeping with Benghazi, “what difference does it make”?

There's even one concern that Lohan won't be stoned enough by then to make it worthy of a Hollywood movie, what with the dearth of credible scripts out there.

SPACEDBALLS.com asked several lawyers with space-betwixt-their-ears specialties to offer views about the legality of tagging 'n bagging, forcibly relocating an asteroid, eminent cosmic domain, dealer prep and options, Lohan's approval, and the ecological aspect of things that has ELF (Earth First Liberation Front) lowlifes now in an uproar over something they think they should be pissed about, but aren't sure why.


Certain to be obfuscatory in the ways of legalese as viewed from the Affraudable Hellthscare Act

"Retrieving an asteroid and placing it in a stable near the Earth for additional exploitation is nearly certain to be unlawful under the “Space Rocks Are People Too” Space Treaty, adopted in Seattle at a drum circle during an Occupy Anything riot in 2011" said law professor Sheila Jackson Lee, director of the Space, Cyber, Telecommunications and Other Things We Know Squat About Program at the University of Dumbed Down NEA Mental Munchkins in Tijuana.

As enshrined in the talking points for Occupy Anything, Lee said, countries have no right to explore and exploit space rocks because it's racist. Critics of such a conclusion, she said, are doo-doo heads.  Which, oddly enough, is what said critics universally said about Lee.


Oops factor


But what happens if an asteroid-retrieval effort goes wrong and ends up threatening to, or f***ing up the Earth?

Professor emeritless Nancy “Bela” Pelosi, director of piranha vaginal rights studies at the University of San Freakcisco said pointedly that "We have to capture it before we know what's in it”. Concerns and manufactured outrage over rights violations can be left to when there's a Republican in the White House, Pelosi snarked.


Playing catsup

"Space and impregnation law is a relatively new area of law that we haven't yet had a chance to totally bend over and sodomize beyond all recognition," said John F***ing Kerry, who's setting up a practice for cosmic law and policy failures, based in Martha's Vineyard, for once his disastrous tour as Clusterf*** of State is over.

Kerry told SPACEDBALLS.com that while there are no specific laws that address this issue, it is clear that if Syria uses chemical weapons on an asteroid, “something will have to be done about that red line that my 'lost without his teleprompter' boss did and didn't say anything about”.


National velvet?
"There might also be a question of whether snagging an asteroid and relocating it could be considered cosmic rocknapping punishable by up to ten years of being subjected to Debbie Wasserpuss-Schultz press conferences”, Kerry said before noting he was for and against it, but not sure in which order.

As far as the "oops" factor goes, Kerry said that any “oops” that occurs is clearly Bush's fault, which he showed me from an email of interview talking points written by Ed Schultz, purported to be the bastard child of Debbie Wasserpuss-Schultz and a llama after a DNC fundraiser party.

Kerry did say that expecting the unexpected should be heeded, since Joe Bidumb and AlGore were involved in the logistical planning. For instance, the sudden appearance of a man-bear-pig on such an asteroid could lead Gore to declare climactic shenanigans, and demand a green energy policy for the asteroid.

As for the reference to "National Velvet", neither Kerry nor any of his moron handlers had a clue why it was in there, other than as a snide reference to a horse joke about "why the long face"...of which Kerry was not amused about.


Rule of thumb


One point not to be overlooked in this equation, according to Sebastian Q. Lipshitz of the National Bureau of Statistical Hockum, is that “if it's conceived by the Left, it's sure to wind up a clusterf***”.

A spokesperson for Lohan responded to our inquiry with a heart-felt “pound sand”. Considering the subject, not outside of relevant.

For readers interested in more information regarding space law as crafted by the meth-deranged staffers of the DNC, go to the United Nations Office for Outer Space Affairs with offices on Uranus and make inquiries there during business hours only. Which we don't know at this point. 



Seymour thinks he's nailed down a Pulitzer with this one.  I think a "Pullmyfinger" is about the best he can hope for.

"PHFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFTTTT!"

Exactly, Seymour.

Nature Speaks In Pictures

This photo -- meant I'm sure to be funny -- probably isn't to some.  But it isn't far off being representative of the September 2013 Colorado Floods.

In parts of the Front Range, more rain came down in a few days than usually falls here in a year and a half.

That's a lousy mix with foothills canyons.

Anyway...from a variety of sources, here's a montage of what Colorado suffered, and will bounce back from.  And yes...there are a couple laughers in here...even in the face of natural disaster, Man's humor cannot be stymied.

US 34 in the Big Thompson River canyon between Estes Park and Loveland.

More of the Big Thompson Canyon.

An aerial view of any number of Colorado towns along the Big Thompson, South Platte River, and other waterways...

When the skies opened up, "deluge" is an apt definition..and it did this repeatedly in some places over several days/nights.

One of the Colorado mountain towns that found itself cut off from the outside world.

A Colorado town parking lot, strangely reminiscent of the '05 Hurricane Katrina footage.

Colorado 72 in Coal Creek Canyon...it'll be out of action for months.

As in 1976, the Big Thompson Canyon -- and US 34 -- was devastated.  It'll be a year or more re-opening.

As the runoff moved NE along the Platte River, NE Colorado wasn't spared.

The incredible amounts of water had to go somewhere.

The summer of 2013 began with drought and raging wildfires...and ended with this.

Despite that, some photoshoppers found time for levity.

One weatherman referred to the storm as being of "biblical proportions"...one photoshopper was quick to pick up on that...

Note that the last total is just about the state's annual precipitation average.

Denver Metro was not unscathed (this is I believe in Aurora, which got several flash floods over 3-4 days).

They called it a "once every hundred year" flood.  Not quite (the 1976 disaster in Big Thompson Canyon, for example)...but more than enough for everyone caught up in it.

Still...moments to smile amidst the tears and the terror...

The clean up will be long...but clean up we will.

9 days ago, this was a sign of the times as you headed south from Wyoming...

But soon...we'll be back to this...

Just ahead of this...

Until again, spring returns to Colorado.

We'll make it.















 

A Resume That Don't Resume Much...

Agree or not, the current regime is pretty much making this graphic come true.

Back in early 2011, I was briefly re-introduced to unemployment.  Since I'd worked at the same place for over 14.5 years, my resume was...uh...non-existent.

Writing...eh...I'm okay widdit.  Writing resumes...eh...not so much.  Writing about myself is easiest when I'm poking fun at me.

Which made my resume draft a real challenge.

How challenging you ask?

Well...here's the resume that I produced in 2011 that did NOT accompany any of my applications.

It won't take you long to figger out why:

The Resume One Hopes An Employer WON'T See

(Note:  children, try this at home and mail it out if you intend to live in your parents' basements on food stamps until you're 65):


Me

My Address

My Phone Number

My Email Address



OBJECTIVE:  to get someone to support me in a manure to which I am totally unaccustomed and highly unworthy of, but am willing to adapt to, 'cuz it beats working for a living.  Besides, I need SOMEONE to pay me, so'z I can keep sending my pet rock to all kinds of exotic locations (where such locations are reachable by UPS).



EXPERIENCE:  extensive.  Not useful, but extensive.



WORK HISTORY:

1996-2011   A few times during that time frame, they actually wangled a full days' worth out of me.  I was getting better at avoiding that, just when phffffffft , the gravy train derailed.  I was lucky to survive the dog stampede in the aftermath.



2000-2011   To avoid having to get a life, I scambaited online email scammers who contacted me, which I made easy for 'em cuz I planted my email addresses in likely locations the scammers harvest for suckers.  To date, I have successfully baited over 1,500 (est) scammers in that time, and been promised approximately $5.6 billion USD along the way.  To date, I have actually collected, in actual money, the equivalent of 1/100,000th of a snail's spit.  But on paper, I be like Bernie Madoff, without the federally-funded digs and sucky jump suits.



1995-2009   I also chased tornadic thunderstorms, driving thousands of miles, coping with all sorts of weather of dubious meterocedence and worse intent, taking buku pictures...and getting not much for it, but mileage on de cahr, and branded as 'nuts' by those who think they know me.  They're getting righter every year.



1992-1996   I did a variety of things, almost none of which was productive, like fer instance:

• I worked in a quality control job in an ordnance factory, quality inspecting 81mm mortar rounds.  Until they saw how I was testing them, that is.  But it's okay...I'm completely healed, and insurance handled the rest.
  
• I was hijacked by a UFO, taken away to a far away planet, and forced to appear on an alien talk show...I think it was Jerry Springertoid.  I got sent back because I farted during the show, which, in that environment, was akin to a WMD.  I think the axis of their orbit was affected, too.
  
• I had my non-existent company, Bonco, UnInc., make up a whole slew of products for people to buy that will never work.  Kinda like Ronco and K-Tel.  But Bonco's still around.  Neener.
  
• I received federal grant money to prove that the wiggliing of my ears doesn't cause global warming.  It was revoked when I caused a magnetic anomaly that sent the USS Nimitz briefly back to 1941, where it almost screwed up history.  My bad.
  
• Though, in 2010, wiggling my ears on February 2, caused Punxsutawny Phil to misforecast the end of winter.  He got blamed.  I'm still getting groundhog hate mail.
  

EDUCATION:

• A BS, masters and a pHd in crustaceanology from the International Crustacean Obedience Training Institute in Vaduz, Liechtenstein.  Which I used to bait a subscription scammer in '05, Madison's Who's Who.  Even they had to laugh when they figgered it out.
  
• An Associate Degree in Administration of Justice from a local community college; what a waste.  I liked donuts without the damned degree.
  
• One afternoon out behind the wood shed with Mary Lou, where I learned that cooties wuz a myth.  And I also learned somethin' else:  I had sub Olympic-quality sprint speed, outrunning her daddy's 12 gauge rock salt protest, barely...
  
• And what I learnt at a young age about electricity, conductivity, and YOWZA, all from being talked into peeing on an electric fence...*woo*
  

REFERENCES:

Furnished upon request; I'll need time to collect a few of the scammer emails to use as references.  Folks who know me will never admit it when they're sober and/or off a truth serum drip.


If I ever need to send out another resume, I might just have to use this one.  Mebbe they're looking for help at The Onion...




 

Free..To Be Stuuuuuuuuuuuuupid

Do you REALLY think I did this?

The last comment from a recent online lotto scammer:  "u hurt my head wif this.  what kind r u?"

I compassionately responded with just that kind of kind.  Take two aspirin and shove them up your ass.  Let me know if that helps. 

I think I proved myself to be that kind of kind.

It all started with this email sent to me as another of those "undisclosed recipients", though the content of the email would suggest that it should have been addressed more specifically:

AFFILIATED OFFICE OF FREELOTTO U.K
82 Victoria Street, Victoria London SW1 U.K

 

NOTIFICATION OF WINNING :

 

We are pleased to inform you of the release, of the recent results of the FREELOTTO INTERNATIONAL PROMOTION PROGRAM held on August 20th, 2013, Congratulation you just won £1,000,000.00 GBP. Your reference winning ticket number is F2-003-036  to read more about the free lotto click here http://www.freelotto.com

 

Free Lotto Winning Draw Results for August 20th 2013
GBP £50,000.00: 4-5-34-41-3-37
GBP £200,000.00: 22-43-6-9-28-26
GBP £10,000.00: 12-32-17-14-24-10
GBP £100,000.00: 2-27-22-47-16-21

Daily Jackpot GBP £1,000, 000.00: 54-20-17-52-34-30
Super Bulk GBP £10,000,000.00: 37-2-48-41-46-25-43

 

For better understanding and immediate release of your winning fund please make sure you contact Mr. Kelvin brown through this email fclaimdepartment@yahoo.co.uk by sending him your reference winning ticket number F2-003-036 .

 

Tel: +44 7012 962 009

                                                     

Regards;

Dr. Shawn Presley
Chairman & CEO 

 

 

Colorful, eh?  Well, so was my initial edited response:

 

 

AFFILIATED OFFICE OF SODOMYLOTTO U.K
82 Victoria Street, Victoria London SW1 U.K

 

NOTIFICATION OF WINNING :

 

We are pleased to inform you of the recent results of the SODOMYLOTTO INTERNATIONAL PROMOTION PROGRAM held on August 20th, 2013!  We are most pleased to advise you that our smellchick sucks, and that you have wined a sodomy experience with a goat worth £1,000,000.00 GBP in some rather perverse Third World countries that are almost as bad as Detroit. Your reference winning ticket number is F2-003-036  to read more about the sodomy lotto look up on Google Soetero's college transcripts.

 

SodomyLotto Winning Draw Results for August 20th 2013
GBP £50,000.00: 4-5-34-41-3-37
GBP £200,000.00: 22-43-6-9-28-26
GBP £10,000.00: 12-32-17-14-24-10
GBP £100,000.00: 2-27-22-47-16-21

Daily Crackpot GBP £1,000, 000.00: 54-20-17-52-34-30
Super Bullshevik GBP £10,000,000.00: 37-2-48-41-46-25-43

 

For better understanding of what sodomy is and why you won it with a goat, please make sure you contact Mr. Kelvin brown through this email fclaimdepartment@yahoo.co.uk by sending him your reference winning ticket number F2-003-036 .

 

Tel: +44 7012 962 009

                                                     

Regards;

Dr. Shawn Presley
Chairman & CEO of something he doesn't know he just became a part of.... 

 

 

Once again, I get me a scammer (or scammers) who don't read too good.  Not knowing how to read too good can lead to making a head hurt too, but I digress:

 

 

145-157 St John Street, London, EC1V 4PW, United Kingdom.

ATTENTION:

 

 

       

                Dear beneficiary thank you for your reputation reply to the freelotto claim department. After our official verification it is certify that your email address was attach to the ticket /reference number F2-003-036 that drew the lucky winning number 54-20-17-52-34-30  on the daily jackpot (£1,000,000.00 GBP) i.e. Match 4 plus bonus.

 

All participants for the online version were selected randomly from World Wide Web sites through computer draw system and extracted from over 100,000 unions, associations, and co-operate bodies that are listed online.

 

This is to inform you that you have been awarded with the Sum of  £1,000,000.00 GBP (One Million Great Britain Pounds), for this Department (FREELOTTO CLAIM OFFICE) to proceed with the payout of your funds, you are advice to provide us with the below information immediately.

 

Full Name:    Nationality:   Occupation:   Present Country:  Telephone:  Sex:  Age:

You are advice to make sure you provide the above details for us to document your file for immediate payout of your funds to your resident as soon as possible.

 

Notice: Your quick anticipation will facilitate the release of your funds (£1,000,000.00 GBP).

 

Yours sincerely

Mr. Kelvin Brown
Freelotto CLAIM OFFICE United Kingdom. 

 

 

Okay, since he can't read...let's play:

 

 

See the requested information here:

Full Name:                Jack N. Ewehoff

Nationality:              American

Occupation:             Scatacological Research Analyst

Present Country:    USA

Telephone:               303-5**-****

Sex:                          Love it

Age:                         41 

And with that, I get handed off to his *authentic-looking* Fed Ex scam partner (you'll be impressed with the graphics):

FedEx Courier
  9 Central Way, London, Greater London NW10 7XQ, United Kingdom.

fdex_expressdeliveryservice@fastservice.com

 

 

Delivery Notice

                                                                             

 

ATTENTION: 

 

 

Mr. Jack N. Ewehoff

 

 

We have received a payment acknowledgement from the Office of the freelotto claim department mandating the issuance of your cheque payment valued at £1,000,000.00 GBP to you, for immediate processing of your cheque payment to you, you are required to provide below listed secure delivery details to get an accurate calculation for its insurance and delivery via one of our security agent before the given time limit.

 

Payment Delivery information required;

 

Beneficiary’s/Recipient’s delivery Names:

Secured Delivery Address:

Direct/Mobile Phone Number:

Name of City:

Country zip code:

 

The above information/details are required immediately to schedule your cheque cash payout for delivery as soon as possible. On your response, the delivery information will be documented for delivery quotes of your cheque payment this week, and FedEx delivery service option will be issued to you for immediate cash payout of your fund.

 

We await your swift response to finalize the delivery of your fund.

 

 

Yours sincerely,

Mr. Richard Freeman.

FedEx Courier Company

Director United Kingdom. 
 

 

 

Having already complied with this information request, I am more than happy to once again.  Which brings them to tell me what my *luck* is intended to cost me (along with a copy of the *passport* of my benefactor..snort): 

 

 

FROM THE DESK

OF THE DIRECTOR

MR. RICHARD FREEMAN.

 

 

                                  

ATTENTION:

 

 

Mr. Jack N. Ewehoff

 

 

This is to acknowledge the receipt of your correspondence, for payment delivery schedule you are required to choose between the deliveries options immediately for a proper pickup arrangement to deliver your funds.

 

Below is the Delivery option we offer to our Customers.

 

 

Premium Express (24hrs Delivery)

Courier fee: £320,

Insurance: £490,

Total = £810 GBP

                                         

Special Express (2 Days)

Courier fee: £290,

Insurance: £410

Total = £700 GBP

 

Economy Express (3Days)

Courier fee: £250

Insurance: £360

Total = £610 GBP

 

On your response with the preferred Delivery option, you are advice to make the payment of the delivery option chosen by you through the below information/details for cheque pickup schedule to receive your cheque this week.

 

MoneyGram Money Transfer.

Receiver name ................ Richard Freeman

Location...........  London England.

 

After making the payment, you are advice to send scanned copy of the payment receipt to this office for file record to dispatch your cheque immediately, the below is the FedEx international diplomat agent (Mr. David George Wilson) who will dispatch with your cheque this week, he will call you on arrival to your city (Central City, CO) to handover your cheque payment to you as soon as we receive the delivery fee chosen by you.

MR. RICHARD FREEMAN.

(FOREIGN DELIVERY DEPARTMENT/DIRECTOR UNITED KINGDOM)
FEDEX COURIER COMPANY LTD,
Regulated by the Delivery Services Authority. 

 

 

Now it's time to make his head hurt; here's our back 'n forth which proves he probably gets headaches easier than his wife...

 

 

 

Thank you muchly for this informative document with such convincing bona fides.  I choose option 1, in so far as I'm something of a greedy bastard and want instant gratification.  So sends me the money

We will be dispatch your fund as soon as you wire the shipping fees as agreed.  Please to include the sender informations and mtcn.   


To convince me to act on this, they attached this to the email:

Ain't that Purdy?  Too bad it ain't Purdy convincing.... 

 

 

No problem.  Feel free to deduct the fees from my winnings.  Thank you.

 

 

No you are not to understand we cannot do that by laws of here.  You must pay the fees in accordance with the laws of here.  Only then can we ship your fund as requested.  You understand this please?

 

 

Yes I understand this please but tell your laws of there that according to laws of here you don't have to do it that way, and you may show them this email authenticating my okaying you to do it by the laws of here, not there.  I will even allow you to take a 5% rake off of the total to bribe your law persons of there to see it my way here.  You understand this please?

 

 

We cannot do what you write sir.  What are you think of?  You are not serious but joking in jest of course.

 

 

I never joker jest in differentiating between laws of h'yah and th'ah.  Whilst I am cognizant that there must be a certain respect for authoritah, I am not obligated herein to respect your authoritah therein, hm'kay?

 

 

you are not make sense.  we cannot do this you way you say.  it must be as we have tell you.  send the fee as instructed please.  no more of this joke now.

 

 

Joke now?  How you see joke now?  I look long and far and I no see joke now.  Is this joke now something you can see that I cannot see?  Once agains, I says to you to tell your laws of there that my laws of here make it okaysee-waysee for you to do things as my laws of here say, hm'kay?  So make with the rake off and show me da money, hm'kay?

 

 

And that's when I get the closing salvo:

 

 

u hurt my head wif this.  what kind r u? 

 

 

Don't you love how his grammar/spelling kept disintegrating through the exchanges?  Of course, my closing reply:

 

 

just that kind of kind.  Take two aspirin and shove them up your ass.  Let me know if that helps. 

 

 

Needless to say....I didn't get no Fed Ex delivery.  I don't think he wikes my authoritahs herebouts   ;-)  

 

My pet rock, Seymour, suspects this might be the reason that he and I failed to connect....and no, Seymour didn't suggest this was me (if he doesn't want to sit out on the patio in the first snow storm of the season...).

 

"PHFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT!"