Free..To Be Stuuuuuuuuuuuuupid

Do you REALLY think I did this?

The last comment from a recent online lotto scammer:  "u hurt my head wif this.  what kind r u?"

I compassionately responded with just that kind of kind.  Take two aspirin and shove them up your ass.  Let me know if that helps. 

I think I proved myself to be that kind of kind.

It all started with this email sent to me as another of those "undisclosed recipients", though the content of the email would suggest that it should have been addressed more specifically:

AFFILIATED OFFICE OF FREELOTTO U.K
82 Victoria Street, Victoria London SW1 U.K

 

NOTIFICATION OF WINNING :

 

We are pleased to inform you of the release, of the recent results of the FREELOTTO INTERNATIONAL PROMOTION PROGRAM held on August 20th, 2013, Congratulation you just won £1,000,000.00 GBP. Your reference winning ticket number is F2-003-036  to read more about the free lotto click here http://www.freelotto.com

 

Free Lotto Winning Draw Results for August 20th 2013
GBP £50,000.00: 4-5-34-41-3-37
GBP £200,000.00: 22-43-6-9-28-26
GBP £10,000.00: 12-32-17-14-24-10
GBP £100,000.00: 2-27-22-47-16-21

Daily Jackpot GBP £1,000, 000.00: 54-20-17-52-34-30
Super Bulk GBP £10,000,000.00: 37-2-48-41-46-25-43

 

For better understanding and immediate release of your winning fund please make sure you contact Mr. Kelvin brown through this email fclaimdepartment@yahoo.co.uk by sending him your reference winning ticket number F2-003-036 .

 

Tel: +44 7012 962 009

                                                     

Regards;

Dr. Shawn Presley
Chairman & CEO 

 

 

Colorful, eh?  Well, so was my initial edited response:

 

 

AFFILIATED OFFICE OF SODOMYLOTTO U.K
82 Victoria Street, Victoria London SW1 U.K

 

NOTIFICATION OF WINNING :

 

We are pleased to inform you of the recent results of the SODOMYLOTTO INTERNATIONAL PROMOTION PROGRAM held on August 20th, 2013!  We are most pleased to advise you that our smellchick sucks, and that you have wined a sodomy experience with a goat worth £1,000,000.00 GBP in some rather perverse Third World countries that are almost as bad as Detroit. Your reference winning ticket number is F2-003-036  to read more about the sodomy lotto look up on Google Soetero's college transcripts.

 

SodomyLotto Winning Draw Results for August 20th 2013
GBP £50,000.00: 4-5-34-41-3-37
GBP £200,000.00: 22-43-6-9-28-26
GBP £10,000.00: 12-32-17-14-24-10
GBP £100,000.00: 2-27-22-47-16-21

Daily Crackpot GBP £1,000, 000.00: 54-20-17-52-34-30
Super Bullshevik GBP £10,000,000.00: 37-2-48-41-46-25-43

 

For better understanding of what sodomy is and why you won it with a goat, please make sure you contact Mr. Kelvin brown through this email fclaimdepartment@yahoo.co.uk by sending him your reference winning ticket number F2-003-036 .

 

Tel: +44 7012 962 009

                                                     

Regards;

Dr. Shawn Presley
Chairman & CEO of something he doesn't know he just became a part of.... 

 

 

Once again, I get me a scammer (or scammers) who don't read too good.  Not knowing how to read too good can lead to making a head hurt too, but I digress:

 

 

145-157 St John Street, London, EC1V 4PW, United Kingdom.

ATTENTION:

 

 

       

                Dear beneficiary thank you for your reputation reply to the freelotto claim department. After our official verification it is certify that your email address was attach to the ticket /reference number F2-003-036 that drew the lucky winning number 54-20-17-52-34-30  on the daily jackpot (£1,000,000.00 GBP) i.e. Match 4 plus bonus.

 

All participants for the online version were selected randomly from World Wide Web sites through computer draw system and extracted from over 100,000 unions, associations, and co-operate bodies that are listed online.

 

This is to inform you that you have been awarded with the Sum of  £1,000,000.00 GBP (One Million Great Britain Pounds), for this Department (FREELOTTO CLAIM OFFICE) to proceed with the payout of your funds, you are advice to provide us with the below information immediately.

 

Full Name:    Nationality:   Occupation:   Present Country:  Telephone:  Sex:  Age:

You are advice to make sure you provide the above details for us to document your file for immediate payout of your funds to your resident as soon as possible.

 

Notice: Your quick anticipation will facilitate the release of your funds (£1,000,000.00 GBP).

 

Yours sincerely

Mr. Kelvin Brown
Freelotto CLAIM OFFICE United Kingdom. 

 

 

Okay, since he can't read...let's play:

 

 

See the requested information here:

Full Name:                Jack N. Ewehoff

Nationality:              American

Occupation:             Scatacological Research Analyst

Present Country:    USA

Telephone:               303-5**-****

Sex:                          Love it

Age:                         41 

And with that, I get handed off to his *authentic-looking* Fed Ex scam partner (you'll be impressed with the graphics):

FedEx Courier
  9 Central Way, London, Greater London NW10 7XQ, United Kingdom.

fdex_expressdeliveryservice@fastservice.com

 

 

Delivery Notice

                                                                             

 

ATTENTION: 

 

 

Mr. Jack N. Ewehoff

 

 

We have received a payment acknowledgement from the Office of the freelotto claim department mandating the issuance of your cheque payment valued at £1,000,000.00 GBP to you, for immediate processing of your cheque payment to you, you are required to provide below listed secure delivery details to get an accurate calculation for its insurance and delivery via one of our security agent before the given time limit.

 

Payment Delivery information required;

 

Beneficiary’s/Recipient’s delivery Names:

Secured Delivery Address:

Direct/Mobile Phone Number:

Name of City:

Country zip code:

 

The above information/details are required immediately to schedule your cheque cash payout for delivery as soon as possible. On your response, the delivery information will be documented for delivery quotes of your cheque payment this week, and FedEx delivery service option will be issued to you for immediate cash payout of your fund.

 

We await your swift response to finalize the delivery of your fund.

 

 

Yours sincerely,

Mr. Richard Freeman.

FedEx Courier Company

Director United Kingdom. 
 

 

 

Having already complied with this information request, I am more than happy to once again.  Which brings them to tell me what my *luck* is intended to cost me (along with a copy of the *passport* of my benefactor..snort): 

 

 

FROM THE DESK

OF THE DIRECTOR

MR. RICHARD FREEMAN.

 

 

                                  

ATTENTION:

 

 

Mr. Jack N. Ewehoff

 

 

This is to acknowledge the receipt of your correspondence, for payment delivery schedule you are required to choose between the deliveries options immediately for a proper pickup arrangement to deliver your funds.

 

Below is the Delivery option we offer to our Customers.

 

 

Premium Express (24hrs Delivery)

Courier fee: £320,

Insurance: £490,

Total = £810 GBP

                                         

Special Express (2 Days)

Courier fee: £290,

Insurance: £410

Total = £700 GBP

 

Economy Express (3Days)

Courier fee: £250

Insurance: £360

Total = £610 GBP

 

On your response with the preferred Delivery option, you are advice to make the payment of the delivery option chosen by you through the below information/details for cheque pickup schedule to receive your cheque this week.

 

MoneyGram Money Transfer.

Receiver name ................ Richard Freeman

Location...........  London England.

 

After making the payment, you are advice to send scanned copy of the payment receipt to this office for file record to dispatch your cheque immediately, the below is the FedEx international diplomat agent (Mr. David George Wilson) who will dispatch with your cheque this week, he will call you on arrival to your city (Central City, CO) to handover your cheque payment to you as soon as we receive the delivery fee chosen by you.

MR. RICHARD FREEMAN.

(FOREIGN DELIVERY DEPARTMENT/DIRECTOR UNITED KINGDOM)
FEDEX COURIER COMPANY LTD,
Regulated by the Delivery Services Authority. 

 

 

Now it's time to make his head hurt; here's our back 'n forth which proves he probably gets headaches easier than his wife...

 

 

 

Thank you muchly for this informative document with such convincing bona fides.  I choose option 1, in so far as I'm something of a greedy bastard and want instant gratification.  So sends me the money

We will be dispatch your fund as soon as you wire the shipping fees as agreed.  Please to include the sender informations and mtcn.   


To convince me to act on this, they attached this to the email:

Ain't that Purdy?  Too bad it ain't Purdy convincing.... 

 

 

No problem.  Feel free to deduct the fees from my winnings.  Thank you.

 

 

No you are not to understand we cannot do that by laws of here.  You must pay the fees in accordance with the laws of here.  Only then can we ship your fund as requested.  You understand this please?

 

 

Yes I understand this please but tell your laws of there that according to laws of here you don't have to do it that way, and you may show them this email authenticating my okaying you to do it by the laws of here, not there.  I will even allow you to take a 5% rake off of the total to bribe your law persons of there to see it my way here.  You understand this please?

 

 

We cannot do what you write sir.  What are you think of?  You are not serious but joking in jest of course.

 

 

I never joker jest in differentiating between laws of h'yah and th'ah.  Whilst I am cognizant that there must be a certain respect for authoritah, I am not obligated herein to respect your authoritah therein, hm'kay?

 

 

you are not make sense.  we cannot do this you way you say.  it must be as we have tell you.  send the fee as instructed please.  no more of this joke now.

 

 

Joke now?  How you see joke now?  I look long and far and I no see joke now.  Is this joke now something you can see that I cannot see?  Once agains, I says to you to tell your laws of there that my laws of here make it okaysee-waysee for you to do things as my laws of here say, hm'kay?  So make with the rake off and show me da money, hm'kay?

 

 

And that's when I get the closing salvo:

 

 

u hurt my head wif this.  what kind r u? 

 

 

Don't you love how his grammar/spelling kept disintegrating through the exchanges?  Of course, my closing reply:

 

 

just that kind of kind.  Take two aspirin and shove them up your ass.  Let me know if that helps. 

 

 

Needless to say....I didn't get no Fed Ex delivery.  I don't think he wikes my authoritahs herebouts   ;-)  

 

My pet rock, Seymour, suspects this might be the reason that he and I failed to connect....and no, Seymour didn't suggest this was me (if he doesn't want to sit out on the patio in the first snow storm of the season...).

 

"PHFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT!"