This One Is In Seymour's Realm Of Expertise

As soon as I saw the story, I knew that there was but one source to seek out on it.

Apparently NASA -- at the behest perhaps of the Soetero regime -- is planning to 'lasso' an asteroid, and tow it into a proximity orbit of the Moon, for purposes of study, etc.

Okaaayyyyyyyyyy.

Considering the failure rate of this regime, I reckon yet another mondo flop is called for.

When I showed this story to my pet rock, Seymour, he was nonplused.

But instead of one of his textbook "phffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffft!"s, Seymour instead insisted on editing the story.

Fine by me.

With no further adieu (gesundheit), Seymour Edits Again:

Is NASA's Plan to Lasso an Asteroid To Impregnate Lindsay Lohan Really Legal?

NASA's ambitious asteroid-capture mission to repopulate the species by impregnating Lindsay Lohan is seemingly being blueprinted with little dialogue about whether or not it is actually legal or makes any f***ing sense.

NASA intends to kidnap an asteroid and drag it, kicking and screaming, to a stable orbit near the moon, where it can be used to impregnate Lindsay Lohan, perhaps as early as 2021. But does this bold plan run afoul of 1967's Outer Space Treaty (OST), or the 1979 Further Outer Space Treaty (FOST), or the 1998 Clinton Really Out There Cosmic Happenings (CROTCH), not to mention the 2011 Barry Hussein Soetero “You Didn't Build That Asteroid” Initiative (WTF?) which provides the basic framework for pretty much f***ing up things in space along the lines of what Soetero did for Detroit?

There's also concern about the 1972 Convention on International Liability for Damage Caused by Space Objects thing, but Soetero's team of disbarred lawyers believe that, in keeping with Benghazi, “what difference does it make”?

There's even one concern that Lohan won't be stoned enough by then to make it worthy of a Hollywood movie, what with the dearth of credible scripts out there.

SPACEDBALLS.com asked several lawyers with space-betwixt-their-ears specialties to offer views about the legality of tagging 'n bagging, forcibly relocating an asteroid, eminent cosmic domain, dealer prep and options, Lohan's approval, and the ecological aspect of things that has ELF (Earth First Liberation Front) lowlifes now in an uproar over something they think they should be pissed about, but aren't sure why.


Certain to be obfuscatory in the ways of legalese as viewed from the Affraudable Hellthscare Act

"Retrieving an asteroid and placing it in a stable near the Earth for additional exploitation is nearly certain to be unlawful under the “Space Rocks Are People Too” Space Treaty, adopted in Seattle at a drum circle during an Occupy Anything riot in 2011" said law professor Sheila Jackson Lee, director of the Space, Cyber, Telecommunications and Other Things We Know Squat About Program at the University of Dumbed Down NEA Mental Munchkins in Tijuana.

As enshrined in the talking points for Occupy Anything, Lee said, countries have no right to explore and exploit space rocks because it's racist. Critics of such a conclusion, she said, are doo-doo heads.  Which, oddly enough, is what said critics universally said about Lee.


Oops factor


But what happens if an asteroid-retrieval effort goes wrong and ends up threatening to, or f***ing up the Earth?

Professor emeritless Nancy “Bela” Pelosi, director of piranha vaginal rights studies at the University of San Freakcisco said pointedly that "We have to capture it before we know what's in it”. Concerns and manufactured outrage over rights violations can be left to when there's a Republican in the White House, Pelosi snarked.


Playing catsup

"Space and impregnation law is a relatively new area of law that we haven't yet had a chance to totally bend over and sodomize beyond all recognition," said John F***ing Kerry, who's setting up a practice for cosmic law and policy failures, based in Martha's Vineyard, for once his disastrous tour as Clusterf*** of State is over.

Kerry told SPACEDBALLS.com that while there are no specific laws that address this issue, it is clear that if Syria uses chemical weapons on an asteroid, “something will have to be done about that red line that my 'lost without his teleprompter' boss did and didn't say anything about”.


National velvet?
"There might also be a question of whether snagging an asteroid and relocating it could be considered cosmic rocknapping punishable by up to ten years of being subjected to Debbie Wasserpuss-Schultz press conferences”, Kerry said before noting he was for and against it, but not sure in which order.

As far as the "oops" factor goes, Kerry said that any “oops” that occurs is clearly Bush's fault, which he showed me from an email of interview talking points written by Ed Schultz, purported to be the bastard child of Debbie Wasserpuss-Schultz and a llama after a DNC fundraiser party.

Kerry did say that expecting the unexpected should be heeded, since Joe Bidumb and AlGore were involved in the logistical planning. For instance, the sudden appearance of a man-bear-pig on such an asteroid could lead Gore to declare climactic shenanigans, and demand a green energy policy for the asteroid.

As for the reference to "National Velvet", neither Kerry nor any of his moron handlers had a clue why it was in there, other than as a snide reference to a horse joke about "why the long face"...of which Kerry was not amused about.


Rule of thumb


One point not to be overlooked in this equation, according to Sebastian Q. Lipshitz of the National Bureau of Statistical Hockum, is that “if it's conceived by the Left, it's sure to wind up a clusterf***”.

A spokesperson for Lohan responded to our inquiry with a heart-felt “pound sand”. Considering the subject, not outside of relevant.

For readers interested in more information regarding space law as crafted by the meth-deranged staffers of the DNC, go to the United Nations Office for Outer Space Affairs with offices on Uranus and make inquiries there during business hours only. Which we don't know at this point. 



Seymour thinks he's nailed down a Pulitzer with this one.  I think a "Pullmyfinger" is about the best he can hope for.

"PHFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFTTTT!"

Exactly, Seymour.