A Resume That Don't Resume Much...

Agree or not, the current regime is pretty much making this graphic come true.

Back in early 2011, I was briefly re-introduced to unemployment.  Since I'd worked at the same place for over 14.5 years, my resume was...uh...non-existent.

Writing...eh...I'm okay widdit.  Writing resumes...eh...not so much.  Writing about myself is easiest when I'm poking fun at me.

Which made my resume draft a real challenge.

How challenging you ask?

Well...here's the resume that I produced in 2011 that did NOT accompany any of my applications.

It won't take you long to figger out why:

The Resume One Hopes An Employer WON'T See

(Note:  children, try this at home and mail it out if you intend to live in your parents' basements on food stamps until you're 65):


Me

My Address

My Phone Number

My Email Address



OBJECTIVE:  to get someone to support me in a manure to which I am totally unaccustomed and highly unworthy of, but am willing to adapt to, 'cuz it beats working for a living.  Besides, I need SOMEONE to pay me, so'z I can keep sending my pet rock to all kinds of exotic locations (where such locations are reachable by UPS).



EXPERIENCE:  extensive.  Not useful, but extensive.



WORK HISTORY:

1996-2011   A few times during that time frame, they actually wangled a full days' worth out of me.  I was getting better at avoiding that, just when phffffffft , the gravy train derailed.  I was lucky to survive the dog stampede in the aftermath.



2000-2011   To avoid having to get a life, I scambaited online email scammers who contacted me, which I made easy for 'em cuz I planted my email addresses in likely locations the scammers harvest for suckers.  To date, I have successfully baited over 1,500 (est) scammers in that time, and been promised approximately $5.6 billion USD along the way.  To date, I have actually collected, in actual money, the equivalent of 1/100,000th of a snail's spit.  But on paper, I be like Bernie Madoff, without the federally-funded digs and sucky jump suits.



1995-2009   I also chased tornadic thunderstorms, driving thousands of miles, coping with all sorts of weather of dubious meterocedence and worse intent, taking buku pictures...and getting not much for it, but mileage on de cahr, and branded as 'nuts' by those who think they know me.  They're getting righter every year.



1992-1996   I did a variety of things, almost none of which was productive, like fer instance:

• I worked in a quality control job in an ordnance factory, quality inspecting 81mm mortar rounds.  Until they saw how I was testing them, that is.  But it's okay...I'm completely healed, and insurance handled the rest.
  
• I was hijacked by a UFO, taken away to a far away planet, and forced to appear on an alien talk show...I think it was Jerry Springertoid.  I got sent back because I farted during the show, which, in that environment, was akin to a WMD.  I think the axis of their orbit was affected, too.
  
• I had my non-existent company, Bonco, UnInc., make up a whole slew of products for people to buy that will never work.  Kinda like Ronco and K-Tel.  But Bonco's still around.  Neener.
  
• I received federal grant money to prove that the wiggliing of my ears doesn't cause global warming.  It was revoked when I caused a magnetic anomaly that sent the USS Nimitz briefly back to 1941, where it almost screwed up history.  My bad.
  
• Though, in 2010, wiggling my ears on February 2, caused Punxsutawny Phil to misforecast the end of winter.  He got blamed.  I'm still getting groundhog hate mail.
  

EDUCATION:

• A BS, masters and a pHd in crustaceanology from the International Crustacean Obedience Training Institute in Vaduz, Liechtenstein.  Which I used to bait a subscription scammer in '05, Madison's Who's Who.  Even they had to laugh when they figgered it out.
  
• An Associate Degree in Administration of Justice from a local community college; what a waste.  I liked donuts without the damned degree.
  
• One afternoon out behind the wood shed with Mary Lou, where I learned that cooties wuz a myth.  And I also learned somethin' else:  I had sub Olympic-quality sprint speed, outrunning her daddy's 12 gauge rock salt protest, barely...
  
• And what I learnt at a young age about electricity, conductivity, and YOWZA, all from being talked into peeing on an electric fence...*woo*
  

REFERENCES:

Furnished upon request; I'll need time to collect a few of the scammer emails to use as references.  Folks who know me will never admit it when they're sober and/or off a truth serum drip.


If I ever need to send out another resume, I might just have to use this one.  Mebbe they're looking for help at The Onion...