112 Acres
Labels: Civil War, Franklin TN, historical preservation, history, Reader's Digest
A Skunk with feathers? Danged right...thoughts and musings of just such a skunk, one that learned how to type, conjugate verbiage and communicate thought processes easier than lifting the tail to scatter the opposition. It doesn't always work with 419 email scammers or the pathetically politically correct (which readers will find I ain't). For them, the tail gets lifted, and they get sprayed. *DISCLAIMER*: sometimes, it doesn't pay to drink or eat while reading this h'yar. Just sayin'...
Labels: Civil War, Franklin TN, historical preservation, history, Reader's Digest
Labels: Denver Broncos, f-bombs, fair weather fans, football, Gruden, Hayes, Holtz, Josh McDaniels, Madden, morons, political correctness
Labels: humor, killer guinea pigs, Peruvian flute bands, pet rocks, satire, South Park
Labels: basketball sucks, dating, humor, parody
"Shovel, I don't know about you, but I'm beat".
I'm fine. And if you hadn't noticed, I'm the one carrying the snow.
"But who's carrying YOU?"
Details, details...get to it.
By this time, a number folks were out and trying to get about, looking at their buried cars with looks akin to "Mommy, make it go away...". Worse, I noticed that almost none of them had a snow shovel. They were trying to dig out with trash can lids...catboxes...buckets...even ice scrapers.
I was going to ask one particularly forlorn-looking 20-something female in ski gear, wielding a small trashcan and flailing rather hopelessly at the drift encasing her vehicle, if she didn't have an Xbox to use on the snow, but my shovel kicked me in the shin and shamed me into helping her.
Help her out; she's a babe.
"I don't care about that; she's half my age!"
She isn't half mine!
I don't think anyone noticed me kicking the shovel back. I don't care if they did.
The next thing I knew, I was helping another stranded female resident..then two gents of Arabic extraction...another female who tried unsuccessfully to use her Kia Sophia as a battering ram, when she tired of using a drinking glass as a shovel...an elderly gent who was rather amused that I was talking to my shovel...a trio of lads who had combined to attack a drift with a broom, dustpan and catbox...some poor fool who's rear-wheel drive Audi needed a push after being dug out...and finally, a young couple's Toyota Camry. In the midst of all this carnage (pun sorta intended), a couple of 7 year olds approached me tentatively:
"Mr., can we borrow your snow shovel?"
"I and it are kinda busy right now...what do you want it for?"
"We're trying to make a snow tunnel over there (where the plow truck I'd helped liberate the night before had been pushing snow in this part of the lot)".
"I'm sorry, but my snow shovel is plutonium, and says no...it has more important things to do".
I did NOT say that.
The kids ran screaming from the talking shovel.
I'll get you for that.
"I'd a sworn you already had".
It was nearing 5pm by now, and I was at a point I was sure I couldn't climb my stairs to fall face first on the floor.
Okay, candyass...I guess we can call it a day. But I could go on all night long.
"I think I can find the energy to put your plutonium ass up for bid on Ebay..."
I'm just kidding, candya...er...fella.
So I dragged me and my plutonium shovel up three flights of stairs, and wearily called it a day. And the shovel worse.
Next morning -- predictably -- I felt my age, times two. If it didn't hurt, it wasn't attached to me. I limped into the front room in the unsteady direction of the coffee pot, when I heard IT: I'm ready and raring to go! Who're we digging out today?
I buried the shovel scoop-first on my still snow-bound patio. Last I heard, it was still grumbling...
Labels: blizzard of December 2006, humor, parody, snowstorms, talking shovels
Labels: blizzard of March 2003, humor, parody
Labels: humor, Leonid Meteor Shower, pet rocks, The Outer Limits, vaporized refrigerators, yak, yeti
Labels: humor, Newark NJ, parody, Poukeepsie, travel
Demonic appliances? Surely this is something of an overreach. Only in the minds of Stephen King, Hollywood, or a retired coworker who hates the computer age, does such go from imagination to a degree of reality, right?
It's always been my take that when a home appliance goes phffft, it's defective, worn out, or -- in my case -- improperly used. Fix it or replace it, and that's that.
Or is it?
Murphy's Law says that "if anything can go wrong, it will". Nothing out of the ordinary there. But having done a wee bit of research on ol' Murf, I uncovered an obscure, little-knowd Murphyism as addendum to the original: "the devil's in the details".
TOING!!!
I 'spect the devil is moving beyond the detail stage.
Look at it with the same twisted logic that I regularly do: if the "devil" can possess Man, why wouldn't it be able to possess anything that Man creates? In the Stephen King short story The Mangler, the devil possesses a large steam clothing iron. In Hardware Wars, the Dark Side of the Farce -- arguably demonic -- made tactical use of toasters, waffle irons and electric hair curlers. In Star Trek (TOS), the devil took over the main computer of the Enterprise, until cast out by Mr. Spock's devilishly clever math question.
Don't think that for a moment, the "devil" -- whatever you conceive it to be -- doesn't have access to cable, and learns a thing or two from shows like The Jerry Springer Show.
Recently I received a letter from a friend in Texas, wherein she noted that her sewing machine was "acting possessed". I considered this most ominous: imagine the havoc that demonic spirits could do from within a sewing machine, seamlessly sabotaging critical buttons and stitches that fall at the most inopportune moments (forgetting Janet Jackson for a mo'). It seems to me that this was a stitch in bad need of a cross.
So I made one up.
Always willing to extend the hand of politically incorrect and dubious assistance to a damsel in a dissed dress*, I personally designed and field-tested an exorcism ritual, targeting not specifically only her sewing machine, but a variety of other common home appliances:
1. First, make sure that absolutely no one else is home. You don't want the ejected spirits to have an escape outlet, nor do you want to be made fun of at the next 30 or so years of family reunions.
2. Unplug all other potential "host" appliances (see #1).
3. Shut the door to the room; shutter the windows and turn out the lights.
4. Light three candles, placing them in such a manner as to not set the room on fire, lending aid and comfort to the enemy, let alone enhancing those family reunion stories.
5. In a pleasant, conversational tone, introduce yourself to the possessed appliance. Calmly tell it what you intend to do: you're going to recite the following litany until the demons vacate the premises (note: you must maintain a straight face at this stage; sincerity, real or imagined, is important).
6. Start by telling the possessed appliance this: did you hear about the skeleton that clattered into a local bar and ordered a beer and a mop? (if you hear a tiny shriek from within the device, don't be dissuaded; continue)
7. Follow with this one: did you hear about the constipated mathematician? He worked it out with a pencil (any noise from the device signals progress...continue).
8. Then hit it hard with this one: avoid dangerous cults by practicing safe sects (the device will begin to tremble, the shrieks will intensify; don't back down now).
9. And follow immediately with this one: what do you get when you cross a Jehovah's Witness with an atheist? Someone who knocks on your door for no reason (the machine should really start rocking about now...you gottem' on the run).
10. Now it's time to show the demons you mean business: what does an elephant use for a tampon? A sheep (the shrieks should now be at fever pitch, and if the machine had eyes to roll, they'd be spinning like tops).
11. Now go to full-court press: a bear and a rabbit are taking a sh** in the woods. The bear turns to the rabbit and asks, "Mr. Rabbit, does sh** stick to your fur?" and the rabbit responds "why no, Mr. Bear, it doesn't", so the bear wiped his bum with the rabbit (the demons within are now beyond shrieks, and it seems as if the device is about to explode...).
12. Now for the set-up for a knockout: what's the difference between a saloon and an elephant passing gas? A saloon is a bar room, and an elephant passing gas is BARRRROOOOOOOOOOMMMM! (sometimes, this will negate the need for #13 in and of itself; if not..)
13. And now for the pastry resistance as they say in France: if a sheep is a ram, and a donkey is an ass, why is a ram in the ass a goose?
Like Ahmadinejad and his Iranian imam, fleeing a hog stampede, you'll hear one last, tortured spasm of groaning agony, and with that, your appliance will be demon-free.
I must conclude with a word of warning, however: do not try this with possessed computers, especially if possessed with Windows Vista. Haven't found a counter for that 'un just yet...
* ducking boos and throwd thimbles...
Labels: exorcism, humor, parody, possessed appliances
Labels: email scammers, humor, parody, scambaiting
"I am waiting for the wiring information of the company's balance. You will not withhold additional funds beyond what was agreed. If we do not get the company balance within 24 hours, we will take LEGAL ACTION AGAINST YOU".
I guess he wanted that to stick. So I responded as you might expect: I didn't. On Friday, June 8, comes this from the Ko-ster:
"I want you to realise this is business and no joke. The company is in very URGENT need of our funds which you are holding back. We offered you this job because we were of the impression you will be an honest representative for us. I am insisting that you hold to our original agreement and send the company balance immediately as we will brook no further delay (rather eloquent, ain't he?). I plead with you to be reasonable in your own interest."
So I decide to show him some reason, Oddball (from Kelly's Heroes) style:
Kelley:
Now there you go again...more negative waves. Have a little faith, baby...have a little faith. Now go on, get back down in your hole. Kelley, making threats you can't follow through on is foolish. It really is. You need to 'go widda flow', just like ol' Oddball I quoted there. Since you made an empty threat, I am going to up my withholding to 40%.
That drew a same-day retort:
"Uranus, I really do NOT appreciate the games you play here. I have warned you before. The company will go to ANY LENGTH TO SECURE ITS FUNDS. YOU HAVE 24HRS TO WIRE THE COMPANY'S BALANCE. YOU GOT IT?"
Ooooooooooooooooooh. Da poor puddy tat get mad. So let's make him madder:
Kelley:
Now I'm up to withholding 50%. You keep threatening, I'll keep upping.
On Saturday, June 9, comes this salvo:
URANUS, WHERE IS THE COMPANY BALANCE? YOU SHOULD ACT RESPONSIBLE AND KEEP TO YOUR JOB. THE COMPANY WILL GO TO ANY LENGTH TO SECURE OUR FUNDS. YOU WILL REGRET THIS.
Ooooooooooooooooooooh. Da poor puddy tat's madder. So let's throw somemore Oddball philosophy his way:
Kelley: WHY DON'T YOU KNOCK IT OFF WITH THOSE NEGATIVE WAVES! Why don't you dig how beautiful it is out here? Why don't you say something righteous and hopeful for a change?
So, "the company will go to any length to secure it's funds", eh? Whaddaya mean there, Kelley? Whatcha gonna do, Kelley? Hmmmm? Youse gonna come ta Houston, eh? Youse gonna bring soma da boyz in da hood, an' make widda badda boom badda bing, Kelley? Fuggetaboutdit! Youse don' know da town like I does, youse mug. But youse play ball wid me heah, an' mebbe I cut you in onna piece of th' action heah, y'know wadda mean, phinoke? In da meantime, I'm gonna keep 60% of da poke heah, Kelley. Ah'm gonna learn ya, Kelley, ya don' git nowhere makin' idle threats, putz.
Comes Monday, June 11, and Mr. Ko has gone from threats to something akin to grovelling:
"Dear Uranus: I beg you in the Name of whatever you believe to understand the plight of the company at the moment. This delay you are causing us is terribly affecting the operations. PLEASE wire the company's balance as agreed. We never expected this from you...and there are much more outstanding payments pending for you to take care of *TOING*. All can be forgiven but you must wire the funds immediately."
On Tuesday, June 12, he followed up with this further grovel:
"Uranus: Please keep the percentage you want and wire the company balance for the sake of peace. We are in urgent need of these funds. I never expected this from you. This behaviour of yours is extremely UNFAIR."
*TOING*...I'm being *UNFAIR*? Okay...so I am, in his realm. Therefore, I decide to let him think he hit a resonant chord with me there:
Kelley: a good friend of mine discussed with me this situation, and to my surprise, she sided with you. She says I am being most immature and unfair to you, and if my word is my buns, I should make good to you.
Since her opinion is one I have always respected until now, I have decided to adhere to our original agreement. I will withhold only 10%, and I will send the respective balance to the two designated company recipients you had specified earlier. I will do this on Thursday, June 14.
I do not expect you to retain my services in view of how I behaved; I am rather impulsive sometimes. But I am okay with you firing me. So...I will email you when the transaction is complete.
Next up, Anatomy of a Piss-off III.