Possession Is Nine-Tenths Of the Problem

*From the old Out of Cyber Thin Air website archives; originally published 1998, updated 2008-09*

Demonic appliances? Surely this is something of an overreach. Only in the minds of Stephen King, Hollywood, or a retired coworker who hates the computer age, does such go from imagination to a degree of reality, right?

It's always been my take that when a home appliance goes phffft, it's defective, worn out, or -- in my case -- improperly used. Fix it or replace it, and that's that.

Or is it?

Murphy's Law says that "if anything can go wrong, it will". Nothing out of the ordinary there. But having done a wee bit of research on ol' Murf, I uncovered an obscure, little-knowd Murphyism as addendum to the original: "the devil's in the details".

TOING!!!

I 'spect the devil is moving beyond the detail stage.

Look at it with the same twisted logic that I regularly do: if the "devil" can possess Man, why wouldn't it be able to possess anything that Man creates? In the Stephen King short story The Mangler, the devil possesses a large steam clothing iron. In Hardware Wars, the Dark Side of the Farce -- arguably demonic -- made tactical use of toasters, waffle irons and electric hair curlers. In Star Trek (TOS), the devil took over the main computer of the Enterprise, until cast out by Mr. Spock's devilishly clever math question.

Don't think that for a moment, the "devil" -- whatever you conceive it to be -- doesn't have access to cable, and learns a thing or two from shows like The Jerry Springer Show.

Recently I received a letter from a friend in Texas, wherein she noted that her sewing machine was "acting possessed". I considered this most ominous: imagine the havoc that demonic spirits could do from within a sewing machine, seamlessly sabotaging critical buttons and stitches that fall at the most inopportune moments (forgetting Janet Jackson for a mo'). It seems to me that this was a stitch in bad need of a cross.

So I made one up.

Always willing to extend the hand of politically incorrect and dubious assistance to a damsel in a dissed dress*, I personally designed and field-tested an exorcism ritual, targeting not specifically only her sewing machine, but a variety of other common home appliances:

1. First, make sure that absolutely no one else is home. You don't want the ejected spirits to have an escape outlet, nor do you want to be made fun of at the next 30 or so years of family reunions.

2. Unplug all other potential "host" appliances (see #1).

3. Shut the door to the room; shutter the windows and turn out the lights.

4. Light three candles, placing them in such a manner as to not set the room on fire, lending aid and comfort to the enemy, let alone enhancing those family reunion stories.

5. In a pleasant, conversational tone, introduce yourself to the possessed appliance. Calmly tell it what you intend to do: you're going to recite the following litany until the demons vacate the premises (note: you must maintain a straight face at this stage; sincerity, real or imagined, is important).

6. Start by telling the possessed appliance this: did you hear about the skeleton that clattered into a local bar and ordered a beer and a mop? (if you hear a tiny shriek from within the device, don't be dissuaded; continue)

7. Follow with this one: did you hear about the constipated mathematician? He worked it out with a pencil (any noise from the device signals progress...continue).

8. Then hit it hard with this one: avoid dangerous cults by practicing safe sects (the device will begin to tremble, the shrieks will intensify; don't back down now).

9. And follow immediately with this one: what do you get when you cross a Jehovah's Witness with an atheist? Someone who knocks on your door for no reason (the machine should really start rocking about now...you gottem' on the run).

10. Now it's time to show the demons you mean business: what does an elephant use for a tampon? A sheep (the shrieks should now be at fever pitch, and if the machine had eyes to roll, they'd be spinning like tops).

11. Now go to full-court press: a bear and a rabbit are taking a sh** in the woods. The bear turns to the rabbit and asks, "Mr. Rabbit, does sh** stick to your fur?" and the rabbit responds "why no, Mr. Bear, it doesn't", so the bear wiped his bum with the rabbit (the demons within are now beyond shrieks, and it seems as if the device is about to explode...).

12. Now for the set-up for a knockout: what's the difference between a saloon and an elephant passing gas? A saloon is a bar room, and an elephant passing gas is BARRRROOOOOOOOOOMMMM! (sometimes, this will negate the need for #13 in and of itself; if not..)

13. And now for the pastry resistance as they say in France: if a sheep is a ram, and a donkey is an ass, why is a ram in the ass a goose?

Like Ahmadinejad and his Iranian imam, fleeing a hog stampede, you'll hear one last, tortured spasm of groaning agony, and with that, your appliance will be demon-free.

I must conclude with a word of warning, however: do not try this with possessed computers, especially if possessed with Windows Vista. Haven't found a counter for that 'un just yet...

* ducking boos and throwd thimbles...