"Rabbit Tracks....Train Tracks.."

Every so often, I tend to underestimate a scammer: his/her grasp of English words or phrases, etc.

But not that often. And certainly not this time.

I introduce you now to Groysman Stortz, scammer emeritless bonehaid, and his initial effort to give moi the business (groysmanstortz_gs2002@hotmail.co.uk):

Friend, my name is Stortz Groysman, I am the operational manager in account management section incharge of credit and foreign bills of one of the prime banks here in South Africa (ABSA, as it would later be learned). I realise you will be surprised to recieve this mail, I got your contat through the SAIE when searching for a reliable person who will assist me. And I am writing in respect of a foreign customer of my bank who perished with his whole family in an autocrash.

Since his death, I personally have watched with keen interest to see the next of kin but all has proven abortive as no one has come to claim his funds and no other person knows about this account has no other beneficiary and until his death he was manager of his company.

The total amount involved is $106,000,000 USD *mondo TOING* and we wish to start the first transfer with $6,000,000 and open successful transaction without any disappointment from your side.

He went on about modalities, trust, confidentiality, how banking ethics there prevent him from active participation in this deal, which is why he needs a reliable foreigner like moi...yada, yada, yada.

In conclusion he says at the conclussion of the transfer I will get 65% of the total fund, and for your help I will allot you 20% of the total funds which should be for you good compensetion, yes. When you recieve this leter kindly email me or you can call me to discuss. My number is 0027 73 124 1987, my email is groysmanstortz@yahoo.co.uk.

Yours respectfully, Dr. Stortz Groysman

So I decided to test the IQ waters a bit, and responded as follows:

Dr. Grayman Stork:

An interesting prostitution you offer me. Sell me more information so I can make an ingrown incision on what to due here.

U. R. Phulovit

Perhaps I stunned him with my intellectual reply; I receive in response to my reply, the exact same letter as he first sent me. So I test the IQ waters a bit more:

Dr. Gayman Stork:

I have floundered this offer of yours furthage, and I am sediment that my parcipitation will require you give me 35 purscent. Give back to me as soon as porpoise if this is accessible to you.

U. R. Phulovit

However he received my first go, my second reply apparently cleared his mind (by going *yaaaaaa* right over it):

Dear Phulovit,

Thanks for the e-mail, the contents of which are well understood. It is nice hearing from you. Will it be possible for you to come here in person to South Africa and open a non-residential account wher this money will be deposited for onward transfer to your account in your country. Please endeavour to answer me this vital part before the end of today so that I can proceed with the next stp. I will enclose here again my private telephone number (see above) which was included in the proposal previously. Remember there is a need for you and I to maintan absolute confidentiality about this untill the conclusion of this transcation . In your reply enclose your private telephone and fax number for me.

So, let's test the IQ waters a wee more with this reply:

Greyskull Dork:

I supphorse I could ventura to South America to reside with a blank account there, okay. But I canno call you, becuz I am herring impaled, and I can no conserve on the phone. I can no here what another persuasion speeks. But this is gud for confrontatinality, cuz I can keep a secretion, I promise. If this is okay, tell me please what is next.

U. R. Phulovit

Either he can't read worth a hork, or he sees how poorly I write back, and thinks *schwing, I got me a mugu*. But he also insists on that necessary (to him) phone call:

Dear Phulovit,

I read you clearly and the contents are well understood. I still want you to send me your phone number so that we can talk about this transcation to make you understand what need be done next and when.

Now I can be both dumb and indignant:

Graystok Hork:

Perhaps you don't not standunder what I am spelling you: I AM DEAD. I CANNOT HERE ON PHONE. I CAN REED EMALE. I can standunder what you say hear. If you wash me to help you, writ to me what it be you knead of me to due, and we can work it out, we can work it out, yes? Unless you descriminade again deaf peeple?

U. R. Phulovit

Apparently, he reads this okay, and what's more, he's got a politically correct streak in him:

Dear U. R. Phulovit,

sorry if i offended you, i do not descriminate against deaf people the only thing i need to do now is to find out from you if you can come here in person to south africa if you cannot then we will need to hire an attorney tohelp us so that we can open an account in your name where this fund will be deposited for onward tranfer to your account in your country. Please reply me immedaitely on getting this e-mail once again i do not descriminate against deaf people.

Oh my Gawd. So I let him off that hook:

Dr. Snorkel:

Okay...I take you at yer werd. Now, I need to grovel to South America? I am not shore of how I do this. Do I fly to Johannesbrahms or Peoria, pleese? I will haf to do sum reserch.

Or you say you higher aturkey to do all the things? Witch wood you prefur me to do? Pleese tell me and I will triy too do what werks brest for you. Since you askanced for my help, I want two give it.

U. R. Phulovit

It appears that even Stortz Groysman -- with all of his new nicknames -- doesn't fancy having me come to meet him in person:

Dear Phulovit,

Thanks for your e-mail let us hire an attorney over here south africa first to handle everything for us. send to me your international passport copy or id copy through attachment to my e-mail. I want you to reply this e-mail immediate on seeing it. keep everyting very confidential please.

I hate it when I'm so agreeable:

Dr. Storch:

You don want me cum South America? Okay, I no cum South America. I agree you higher aturkey. I send you my passphart.

U. R. Phulovit (I sent him the usual passport used by U. R.).

Now, Dr. Stork starts mixing business with a little personal chitchat:

Dear Phulovit,

Okay, tomorrow i will meet with the attorney to know how much you need to pay him for a to start the process of change of ownership.

Are you married? if you are how many kids do you have and what do you do for a living? For me i am married with two kids.

First I got him sorry about discriminating against deaf people; now let's get him sorry he asked something personal:

Dr. Starch:

Okay, I wait to here how mooch I will owe aturkey for charge of ownershep. You tell me how mooch, I pay.

I wish you not ask me aboot my exparried. Painful to recur. She die three years ago from somethink doktor call "colossal conglomerated mass of solidified mucus". I meserbul with her dog. We only marry one year, no chilrun.

Now you make me bum.

Yep, I made him sorry (probably for not the same reasons):

Dear Phulovit,

i regret much i bring this up and upset you. i didn't know. With money from our transaction, you can find another wife, you see.

I send you a form from my bank that you must fill out and return to me. But before you do this, i need you to wire the money for the attorney. i wish you to send it by MoneyGram. The amount for the attorney and account opening with our bank will be TWO THAUSAND SIX HUNDRED UNITED STATES DOLLARS. $2,600 DOLLARS. Can you do this?

*sniff*..putting away the kleenex for my faux ex (my real ex...pbbbbbbbbbbt):

Dr. Greymatter:

Okay, I will colic two thausund sex hundrid dollurs for your aturkey, and send it to monygram. I got the farm too....do you want it same tyme, or latur (the ABSA application form, the same one I received from good ol' George Nyerere, if you remember him a couple blog entries back) ?

Now that ol' Grayback has my undivided, if misspelled attention, he locks on the money like a laser beam:

Dear Phulovit,

Yes, fill out the form and send it to me but before that send the money through moneygram so that i can start with the account activation in my bank. Send it as follows:

Micheal Ezeanwu

Johannesburg, South Africa

$2,600 USD

please, this is important. i need you to try to do this before the end of the day so that by tomorrow the attorney will prepare the change of ownership of the money before transfer. send the information of the money to me in the e-mail after.

Alrighty then:

Dr. Greysanatomy:

I will get the farm filled out soon. You ask for the mony soonest, so I go to Monkeygram and sned it like you say: $260.

This gets back a panic-stricken response within the hour:

Phulovit:

Please the amount is $2,600 USD, not $260! Please don't send the wrong amount, it will hurt my efforts here. Please you send the $2,600 agreed to. E-mail me when this is done, please.

I didn't reply until the next day, but my reply sets his mind at ease, briefly:

Dr. Strangelove:

I not do that! I do jest as you bad, and I sned $2600, not $260. I kan ad two, okay. The lady at Monkeygram she very nice and she give me referral number as well as a pat on my haid. She so nice to me. She say number is 29430651 and she smell me to give it to you cuz you knead it, so I due.

U. R. Phulovit

The next day, good ol' Graymatter Stfork is a touch terse:

dear phulevit

please check the refrence number you gave me and resend it to me. it is wrong.

Time to get emotional again:

Stork:

What? It's wrawng? Nooooooooooooooo! IT CAN BEE! She the nice lady took my mony! It has to be writ! She didn't give me receept. I go back and see what happened, okay.

This, apparently, Groysman Stortz expects U. R. to successfully clear up:

Dear Phulovit,

Please do, i will be waiting to hear from you soonest i have instructed the bank to wait please you can alos return the form correctly filled to me as am waiting to hear from you. Please attach the receipt to me through e-mail once you conclude with her at the moneygram.

Now it's time to pee a tad in his Wheaties, though not completely:

Dr. Who:

The Monkeygram lady was most angered with me. She make me copy of receept witch i send you. she say i am idiot and make me cry. she also say you being dishornet with me about the mony, witch she say is sended. She herd my feeling.

She say mabbe the aturkey you hire took the mony and didn't say to you? I don't know who to truss now.

Indeed.

A day to ponder all this, and Storkster is starting to doubt my sincerity:

Phulovit,

I believe you are now turning this in to a big joke i just spoke to them in the bank and there is no moneygram in my secretary's name please go back there and sort it out with them and resend the money. can you please return the form i gave you (the ABSA bank application) it seems to me that you are not interested in this business.

My reply:

Stonck:

I AM SINSEER! I REELY SEND MONY! I SEND YOU THE RECEET! How can you say I jock with you? The monkeygram hear say you get money theyre; I am cornfuzed by all this. What do I do now? I sended you all I haved.

U. R. Phulovit

Before I allow him to reply to that, I add this separately:

Storp:

R you their? I ax you, since Monkeygram lady say mony sended, and you seys it knot, what do I do? Can you pay fee and deduck it from my phart of the deel? Pleese tell me okay.

U. R. Phulovit

The no-longer patient Stork decides he wants no more of me:

Phulovit,

YOU MAKING BIG JOKE OF ME YOU NOT SEROUS ABOUT THIS. YOU WASTE MY TIME YOU JERK. LEAVE ME ALONE!

He's got one part of it right, shore 'nuff. So I bow out with my typical grace and style:

Mr. Groysman Stortz with a sh**load of other names you answer to as well,

Thanks for playing Scambait The Scammer, where people like you think you've found a big mugu, only to find out that you've been made to look the bigger one! You stupidly tried to match wits with an experienced scambaiter, you blithering idiot! Dang, you were easy, too: how you make a living at this, I'll never guess; but one thing's certain -- you're sucking air on this 'un.

But don't take it too hard. Only you and I know about this. Well, okay, so the "laughing behind your back" folks at your MoneyGram know, too. Oh....I almost forgot....and so does ANYONE WHO READS OR SURFS THE INTERNET! How about that? I posted our entire email exchange for the whole online world to read! Now you're internationally famous!

As a world-renowned MORON.

No need to thank me, Stork. The pleasure was all and entirely mine.

U. R. Phulovit

Yes, folks...I really AM a stinker.