Seymour On South Park

I think I make a biiiiiiiiiig mistake...eh.

A friend loaned me Season 12 of the completely-warped animated series South Park. This is the 12th season that I have watched since being introduced to the show by this friend, back in November of 2007.

What it's done to my brain is debatably measurable, but I digress.

It is the first season that my pet rock, Seymour, has watched with me (he was in Japan and Ohio while I was getting caught up on Seasons 1-11). Without thinking much about it, I allowed Seymour to watch it with me.

After watching all of the episodes, and Seymour is...well...stunned. He can't believe what he's seeing on the screen. He can't believe the language (I confess it caught me off guard as well; through Season 11, the 'heavies' of the language were bleeped, albeit barely; not now). He can't believe most of the plot lines. He can't believe the total lack of respect and political incorrectness for everything and anything. He can't believe that I'm laughing at this irreverence.

But, for some reason....he totally believed the episode about how Peruvian flute band music keeps killer guinea pigs at bay. And nothing -- I do mean, nothing -- that I have said, was dissuading Seymour from a feeling of absolute doom.

Why? Because I don't play Peruvian flute band music here. I don't have it. I don't want to have it. It doesn't matter to Seymour that I point out that in 9 years, we've suffered not one attack from any kind of killer guinea pigs. Not one.

But Seymour is a bit gullible, when it comes to what he sees on TV. He believed AlGore's inconvenient hoax about global warming, even though, as a product of geology and having been around the 600,000 plus years of cyclical climate, Seymour ought to know better. He believed that the tapping ruby red slippers together three times, would get one "home" -- even in Kansas. And he believes that pet rocks are being deliberately left out of universal healthcare.

If I didn't know better, I'd say Seymour had been (mis)educated in public schools in Denver.

Though, Seymour did learn at least one thing that I know he didn't learn in a social engineering environment: Seymour says that the definition of a government "expert" is thus: "x" is the unknown factor, and "spert" is a drip of water under pressure. Pretty astute, for a rock that falls for other dumb ideas, and hides under the loveseat from a cheesy special effects 'monster' on The Outer Limits (TOS).

At any rate, Seymour was most put out with me for not taking the killer guinea pigs that were actually seen in the South Park episode seriously. One had even morphed into a killer Guinea Pigasaurus Rex (try as I might, I couldn't get Seymour to realize that what he was seeing was a real guinea pig, magnified on camera, digitally inserted into an animated scene, and dressed in a sock-puppet-like outfit to make it look like a monster from a 1950s "B" movie).

But then, Seymour had one of those *TOING*s that frequently lead me to make bad writing and posting decisions on this h'yar blog. And he immediately began pointing out, in his pointless manner, that I did, in fact, have music that was comparable to Peruvian flute band music.

Me: Seymour, you won't find a single CD or audio cassette of any such music here...

Seymour: Yes you will! Look at these!

He's pointing out two or three of the James Bond DVD movies I have, that have music that isn't authentic Peruvian flute band music, but arguably sounds a lot like Peruvian flute band music.

Cricket crap. I could see it now: Seymour, playing these movies, over and over and over again -- primarily the musical tracks -- to keep mythical killer guinea pigs away.

Me: Seymour, it's been 9 years here. And when have you ever SEEN a killer guinea pig hereabouts?

Seymour: uh, well, what was that leftover thing that tried to attack me in the refrigerator, hmmm?

Me: it was meatloaf, Seymour, NOT a killer guinealoaf...

Seymour: oh...well...maybe the killer guinea pigs KNOW you have these movies with the right music...

Ugh.

It took a little bit more persuasive discussion to finally convince Seymour that we don't need to play Peruvian flute band music 24/7, to keep killer guinea pigs at bay. The South Park episode was imaginary somethin-er-other, and nothing more, just like AlGore's climate scam.

In fact, I convinced Seymour that if we started to play Peruvian flute band music, perhaps I'd spend more time in the kitchen...

Seymour: "Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!"

Game, set, match, smoke.