If At First You Don't Succeed...

..twy, twy again.

After 19 years of this, I am more convinced than ever that internet email scammers are either democraps, or people the democraps desperately want to recruit.

Of late, the scammers keep trying to use a once venerated organization as the vehicle for their scam, the FBI.

Here's their latest endeavor:


FROM OFFICE OF THE DIRECTOR,
FEDERAL BUREAU OF INVESTIGATION FBI.
WASHINGTON DC.
FBI SEEKING TO WIRETAP INTERNET.


Urgent Attention: Beneficiary,


We hope this notification arrives meeting your good health and mind.
We (FBI) Washington, DC in conjunction with some other relevant
investigation agencies here in the United States of America have
recently been informed through our Global intelligence monitoring
network that you have an over-due payment in the tone of (Ten Million,
Five Hundred Thousand U.S Dollars) with Sun trust, NC. It might
interest you to know that we have taken our time in screening through
this project as stipulated on our protocol of operations and have
finally confirmed that your payment/transaction with Sun trust is 100%
genuine and hitch free from all facets and of which you have the
lawful right to claim your funds without any further delay.


Having said all this, we will further advise that you go ahead in
dealing with the Sun trust bank, NC, accordingly as we will be monitoring
all their activities with you as well as your correspondence at all
levels. NOTE: There are numerous scam emails on the internet,
impostors impersonating names and images. We therefore warn our dear
citizens and foreigners to be very careful with any claim email you
receive prior to these irregularities so that they do not fall victim
to this ugly circumstance anymore. And should in case you are already
dealing with anybody or office claiming that you have a payment with
them, you are advised to STOP further contact with them immediately in
your best interest and contact the real bank Sun trust bank , NC, branch only
where your fund is laying, with the below information:


Bank Name: Sun trust bank.
Address: 300 S Hughes Blvd, Elizabeth City, NC 27909, USA.
Attn: Lambert Huddles
(Remittance Director)
lamberthuddles222@outlook.com
website: www.suntrustbank.com


Contact the bank today quoting your (PAYMENT REFERENCE NUMBER:
FBI/SUN TRUSTBANK-4J/383X/17) and make them understand that you have been
directed from this office and ask them for processing of your
payment/funds immediately. Meanwhile, ensure you follow all directives
or instructions from Suntrust bank as this will further help hasten up the
whole payment process in regards to the transfer of your funds to you
as designated. Also have in mind that the Suntrust bank equally has their
own protocol of operation as stipulated on their banking terms.


All modalities has already been worked out before you were contacted
and note that we will be monitoring all your dealings with them as you
proceed so you don't have anything to worry about. All we require from
you henceforth is an update so as to enable us be on track with you
and the Suntrust bank, NC, branch. Without wasting much time, we will want
you to contact them immediately with the above email address and phone
number so as to enable them attend to your case accordingly without
any further delay as time is already running out. Should in case you
need any more information in regards to this notification, feel free
to get back to us via email so that we can brief you more as we are
here to guide you during and after this project has been completely
perfected and you have received your payment/funds as stated.

Thank you very much for your anticipated co-operation.

BEST REGARDS,

Andrew McCabe
Federal Bureau of Investigation.
J. Edgar Hoover Building
601,4th Street,935 Pennsylvania Avenue,
NW Washington, D.C.
20535-0001, USA. 


I love how they don't keep up on current affairs.  'Prolly cuz (a) they're low information and (b) they're afraid not to like the Clintons, what with all the suicides that come from folks not liking the Clintons.

Eh.

So I turned my "editing gone wild" pet rock, Seymour, loose on this one, and it's a corker (not to be confused with some yutz from Tennessee):

FROM OFFICE OF THE MISDIRECTOR,
FUNGERAL BURRITO OF INGESTIGATION FBI
WASHINGTON DC.
FBI SEEKING TO WIRETAP YOUR TOILET PAPER

Urgent Attention:

We hope this notification arrives meeting your good health and mind with a total mind f*ck.

 

We (FBI) Washington, DC in conjunction with some other irrelevant agencies here in the Democrap National Crimeittee have recently approached the FISA Kangaroo Court with a request to wire tap your toilet paper.  Yes, we have.

 

We are do this on the basis that we have received a letter that's been sat on by the very rank miniscule member of the Senate Injudicious Committee for some time; and after doing unspeakable things whilst having sat upon it, it was passed to us for analysis.  If you see what we just did there, you probably wish you hadn't.

 

In this letter, it has been alleged by a professor of dubious education and lacking ethical standards -- a democrap, in other words -- that 36 years ago, you attended a party in Moscow where persons later to become some level of importance, were purported to be acting in manures only fit for faked dossiers manufactured by an overseas unintelligence burro, paid for by the broom-riding one that lost her coronation opportunity because she sucked and not the right people, and run with by cnn because cnn will have no truck or any other vehicle with confirmable, credible news.  They want to become the official fake news purveyor on South Park.

 

Add to it, the letter has embedded therein photos of you leaving the party at a Russian Motel 6 with an inflatable Dianne Feinstein sex toy, a yak, a case of vodka, and "I Support Moose 'n Squirrel" bumper stickers.  And a signed, sworn statement from anonymous sources in the New York Slimes that you are a Russian bot that didn't vote for Ms Fall Down, Crimepaign Go PHFFFFFFT.

 

This is why you have been suspended on Twitter, Skype, Instascam, OMG, WTF and every other leftard-controlled social mediocre site.

 

Having need of more evidence to use against Trump's current SCOTUS nominee, we are convinced that bugging your toilet paper will somehow allow the Babylon Bee and the Onion to come up with something....ANYTHING...that we can use to usurp 63 million deplorables.

Having said all this with plausible deniability that cnn and ms13nbc grants us, we will further advise that you go ahead in not denying anything we hear through your wired toilet paper, but do ask that you find a different way to use it...wired TP is pricey, even with our unlimited chicanery budget left us by obola.

 

NOTE: There are numerous scam emails on the internet, impostors impersonating names and images. We therefore warn you that we are the only scam you'll ever need, and to be very careful with any claim email you receive prior to these upcoming irregularities so that you do not fall victim to decency, morality, ethics or any of that other related crap that stupid conservatives refuse to let go of.  

 

Our brand of stupid is the wave of the future.  One listen to Ocasio-Cortez, Mad Max Waters or Joe Bidumb should make that point.  Embrace it or be accused of having looked at a cheerleader's ass 36 years ago, and having cnn and the Senate Injustice Crimeittee's ranking twat waffle come hunt you down and forever more ruin your chance to sit on a Home Owners Association board.

We knew that'd get your attention.

You are advised to STOP further contact with Fox News and contact these rancid, pathetic folks with the below information:

Bank Name: Sun trust bank.
Address: 300 S Hughes Blvd, Elizabeth City, NC 27909, USA.
Attn: Lambert Huddles
(Remittance Director)
lamberthuddles222@outlook.com

All modalities has already been thoroughly corrupted and manufactured before you were contacted.  Cooperate and that cheerleader who found you forgettable then and didn't remember you when we hunted her down, will forget we told her that you looked at her ass after we sign her check.

 
BEST REGARDS,
Mandrew Landcrab
FUNGERAL BURRITO OF INGESTIGATION FBI
Ed. Jaegar Heaving Building
601,4th Street part of 935 Pennsylvania Avenue,
NW Washington, D.C.
20535-0001, USA.

"Professionalism, Integrity, Ethics...We Got Rid Of That Crap When Obola Was Here"  

 

 

I still don't see this getting Seymour a Pulitzer that he so covets ("PHFFFFFFFFFFT!!!"), but I do see it getting him banned on those social mediocre sites.