Thursday, January 8, 2015

A Hazmat Camel With An Offer I Could Refuse

I'll bet you don't see what I just did there...

Anyway, my new character is really turning out to be a muthalode of new scammer emails.  Like this one:


Urgent from Mr. Hamzat Kamal.

From: Mr. Hamzat Kamal
Private number:
Ouagadougou, Burkina Faso
OUR REF DPQ/047/SAB/2014
E-mail: hamzat_k@yahoo.com
http://www.iamgold.com

Attn: Sir/ Madam,

I am Mr. Hamzat Kamal; I did a lot of searching, fasting and prayer before choosing your contact from your country website. It is with trust and sincerity that I approach you for assistance to transfer some fund into your foreign account.

I am a top government official with the IAMGOLD COMPANY, my responsibilities includes awarding and signing of contracts for the purchases of drilling equipment and raw materials to the IAMGOLD COMPANY, by companies and government from different parts of the world. Through over invoiced and bulk purchases that were made on behalf of the IAMGOLD COMPANY, I have a bold sum of US$11.3000.000 (Eleven Million and Three Hundred Thousand Dollars) and US$7.5, 000.000 (Seven Million and Five Hundred Thousand Dollars) which I now want to transfer to any trustworthy account overseas.

This contract has been executed and full payments have been made to the contractors who executed these contract leaving behind US$11.3,000.000 (Eleven Million and Three Hundred Thousand Dollars)  and US$7.5,000.000 (Seven Million and Five Hundred Thousand Dollars) an Over invoice/commission for we the committee members to benefit In view of this, my colleagues have mandated me to look for a foreign partner abroad who will receive these fund on our behalf for mutual benefits which means that you will provide us with any account of your choice we can lodge these fund immediately.

I therefore kindly request that you grant me the consent to present you, or your firm as the foreign beneficiary of this fund, for this money to be transferred into your account anywhere in the world, even if it is a newly opened account without money in it, this fund could still be transferred into it for safe keeping afterward I will pay a visit to your country for the sharing of the fund, and our onward investment in your country.

The money will be paid into your account for us to share in the ratio of 60% for me and 30% for you and the balance of 10% will be responsible for the major /trivial expenses incurred in the course of the transaction. There is no risk involve in this project as my position in my company and with the aid of my personal and directives and all documents will be provided once you are able to contact the bank to make you  the legal beneficiary and the legality of this project will correspond with  local and international laws of inheritance.

I have decided to give you 30%of the total fund for your assistance and 10%have been mapped aside for contingent expenses to be incurred during the process of this transaction. Due to the urgent nature of this transaction you are requested to give me a call or Email me as soon as possible on the above details or e-mail me.

You should contact me with below Email address given to you for urgency implies---
E-mail: hamzat_k@yahoo.com

Upon your response, I shall then provide you with further information and modalities that will help you understand the transaction for directives to our success.

You should observe utmost confidentiality, and rest assured that this project would be most profitable for both parties because I shall require your assistance to invest my share in your country. Please you are also requested to view and go through our WEBSITE for more confirmation. This is risk free and i am your guarantee. Please I need your urgent reply.

Thanks and best regards.  



Hamzat Kamal?  Oh, my character simply gotta edit this one:


On Monday, December 15, 2014 1:04 PM, Mr Hazmat Camel <m55555@voila.fr> while in the midst of a particularly savage bout of painful rectal itch which he eventually solved with a brillo pad and salt water, suddenly decomposed and wrote:
Urgent from Mr. Hazmat Camel.

From: Mr. Hazmat Camel
Primate number:  6 and counting
Ouagadougou, Burkina Faso
OUR REF DPQ/047/SAB/2014
E-mail: hamzat_k@yahoo.com
http://www.iamphulofshit.com

Attn: Sir/ Madam,

I am Mr. Hazmat Camel; I did a lot of searching, fasting and running around, dragging my very sore ass all over the carpet, across burning sand, wherever I could find relief from the painful rectal itch episode you read about at the start of this email.  Anyway, I dun all that before choosing your contact from your country website. Yes, your country has a website.  Yes, you is on it.  You're on a lotta websites run by your government, Bubi.  It is with all the trust and sincerity of explosives in a turd that I approach you for assistance to transfer something unacceptable to OSHA into your foreign air space.

I am a bottom-feeding Democrap government official with the IAMPHULOFSH** COMPANY, my responsibilities includes awarding and signing of contracts for the removal of astronomical amounts of human and other fecal material from outhouse pits and the basement of the DNC on an annual basis.  A 10% discount off services rendered if you see what I just did there.

Thanks to everything I learned from Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi -- who really needs to lay off the botox...ack -- I am well versed in how to over charge invoices and bulk purchases that were made on behalf of the IAMPHULOFSH** COMPANY.  And I have amassed 11.300.000 tons of various and assorted fecal material that I wish to have NASA or the Russians or the European Space Agency....f**k, even the Starship Enterprise...lift or beam out of my country and to a place more deserving of this stuff.  Like Uranus...Neptune...Pluto...even Hillary's campaign bus.  

My country was supposed to have executed this, but being the low information nincompoops that they are, they shot it.  

Bunch of blithering Joe Bidumbs, I'll tell ya.

So now I need you, assuming that YOU know what executing a contract means.

It is my hope that you know or have contact with peoples who know someone at NASA, or the Russian NASA, or EuroNASA, or that Branson dude at Virgins 'R Us place...anyone what gots a space vehicle capable to taking on the payload I noted above.   Granted, Branson's space thingee blowd up, but he can build another and hopefully fix it to make it high enough that if it blows up again, it won't allow over 11 million tons of assorted fecal material to wind up back where it started.

I don't want to have to go around and collect it up again, y'all.  Just sayin'.

I therefore kindly request that you grant me the consent to present you with a suitable-for-framing picture of Elizabeth Warren leaving a Boston motel with a goat, dressed up like Barney Frank at 2am in October 2013.  I will pay a visit to your country and present you this evidence personally, in exchange for a dinner date with Megyn Kelly.

The rest of the details here bore me to tears, so just email me a yes, no, or 'maybe possibly kinda sorta thinking it over' kind of answer.  There is no risk involve in this project as we lost all the game pieces so no one knows what to do with a country named Irkutsk.  Why would you invade something widda name like that?

I have decided to give you 30% discount instead of the promised 10%, hoping that you are more impressed with the discount than what it's for. Due to the urgent nature of this transaction you are requested to give me a call or Email me as soon as possible on the above details, or just e-mail me because I just realized I left my phone number off this thing.

You should contact me with below Email address given to you for urgency implies that you do so urgently as implied...this makes sense, yes?

E-mail: hamzat_k@yahoo.com

Upon your response, I shall probably wet myself, because no one has ever responded to one of these emails before.  I keep thinking it's my body odor.  Taking a sponge bath in camel piss doesn't seem to work too well in night clubs hereabouts.

You should observe utmost confidentiality, and rest assured that this project would not survive one minute of The Gong Show.  Please you are also requested to please remove any pictures of Sandra Fluke from my view, please.  Projectile vomiting is not fun, even here.

Thanks and best regards.

Mr. Hazmat Camel
Ouagadougou, Burkina Faso
OUR REF DPQ/047/SAB/2014
E-mail: hamzat_k@yahoo.com
Primate number:  6 and counting (there was supposed to be phone number here, but I forgot it, so I'm no smarter than my countrymen what executed the contract by shooting it).  
 
 
I'm sure the DNC would love that suitable for framing picture of Elizabeth Warren and the goat...


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2 Comments:

Blogger Sandee said...

Bwahahahahahahahahahaha. You can edit these like no one else can. Even Seymour, but don't tell him I said that.

Have a fabulous day. My best to Seymour. ☺

08 January, 2015 09:12  
Anonymous Debbie said...

At first glance I read that name wrong, thought it was HAZMAT Kamal

Debbie
Right Truth

08 January, 2015 15:55  

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