Don't Bank On It

I'm sure that not all banks in Nigeria are like this one.

Just the ones that I and my character(s) hear from are.

Especially when the bank rep(tile) writing to me/us is a self-proclaimed 'Rev', such as here:


FROM INTERNATIONAL REMITTANCE DEPARTMENT
FIRST BANK NIGERIA PLC
35 ASABA HOUSE LAGOS NIGERIA
CONTACT EMAIL:CONTACT EMAIL: firstb5960@gmail.com


Dear Beloved Beneficiary 

This letter is written to inform you the reason behind your delay payment.I am Rev,Ashii Ashii the Director,International Remittance Department of this Bank,my Formal Boss,Mr.Jacobs M.Ajekigbe,the Managing Director/CEO of this bank is now on compulsory leave and all power have been vested on me to make all international payments.Also,due to reported cases of corrupt practices in other Nigeria Banks including the Central Bank of Nigeria,the Federal Government has revoked/canceled all power vested on those banks and has appointed our bank (First Bank of Nigeria) to make all foreign payments.Be informed that the Federal Government have approved the release of part-payment of$7.5M(Seven Million Five Hundred Thousand Dollars) out of your total funds,which has been in this bank for many years unclaimed because Mr.Jacobs Ajekigbe,Collaborated with the Governor of Central Bank of Nigeria (CBN)and have refused to tell you the truth on how to claim your fund this is because he has been using the interest accumulated f

After the transfer,you will confirm the fund in your bank account within 5hours the same day.No Cost of Transfer (COT) and no stoppage from any Government departments as the transfer will be done within the bank alone and it is very safe.The method which was introduced to you before is the Telegraphic Transfer (TT) for which confirmation was 48hrs,because of the time factor,petitions could come from various organizations stopping your payment and asking you to pay huge fee which would be difficult for you to pay so that they can benefit from the huge interest your fund generates while still in the Bank.

This method is not safe for you because it is not done within the bank alone as information of the payment would be sent to the Central Control Unit (CCU) of the Federal Ministry of Finance and office of the Accountant General of the Federation.As a good Christian, I have nothing to gain by keeping your fund,I want to assist you receive your fund Before it accumulate Dumurrage.You have to follow up and work with me now.

Ensure that you keep this very confidential because of fraudsters and impostors who go about presenting various bank accounts in order to divert another beneficiary's fund.

your advise to reconfirm the following details below to us with valid account co-ordinates and amount to be claimed.

Note your transfer code is FBXNZ7XX5M you must keep it confidential to avoid intruder or claim by anyone so that I do not transfer your
fund to the wrong Bank Account.

1.Account Holders Name..........
2.Bank Name.............
3.Bank Address.........
4.Home Address.........
5.Swift Code..........
6.Your Contact Cell Phone......
7.Occupation..........
8.Age.................
9.A Copy of your id

Finally i ask for your mutual understanding and cooperation to serve you
better.

Yours truly,

Rev,Ashii Ashii
First Bank Nigeria Plc.
CONTACT EMAIL:firstb5960@gmail.com   


My character saw all kinds of questions ladled throughout this email.  So did my scambaiting pet rocks, Seymour and Element.

Seymour proved faster on the 'reply' button:


Nigeria has one unlooted bank left that's still open?   


Rev. Twice Ashii proves once again that it isn't what one says in a reply; it's that one replied at all that matters:


FROM INTERNATIONAL REMITTANCE DEPARTMENT
FIRST BANK NIGERIA PLC
35 ASABA HOUSE LAGOS NIGERIA
CONTACT EMAIL:CONTACT EMAIL:

Dear  Seymour PetRock

Good Morning I got your email but you need to do what i ask you to do to enable us receive your details from his Bank.
Your advise to reconfirm the following details below to us with valid account co-ordinates and amount to be claimed.Note your transfer code is FBXNZ7XX5M you must keep it confidential to avoid intruder or claim by anyone so that I do not transfer your fund to the wrong Bank Account.

1.Account Holders Name..........
2.Bank Name.............
3.Bank Address.........
4.Home Address.........
5.Swift Code and Routing Code..........
6.Your Contact Cell Phone......
7.Occupation..........
8.Age.................
9.A Copy of your id

10. Your Account Number

Finally i ask for your mutual understanding and cooperation to serve you better.
Yours truly,
Rev Ashii Ashii

First Bank Nigeria Plc.

+2347033058907 CALL ME FOR MORE INFORMATION OKAY   


And the good Rev included what he felt would serve as authenticating bona fides:

Seymour wasn't impressed, but was too bored not to follow up:

Where's the money coming from?  She's so fine, there's no telling where the money went.   

Sir this Money is coming from first Bank of Nigeria so send me your
bank details to enable us move forward as I welcome you to new month
note that time is not our friend again so hurry up and get back to me
now as I wait to hear from you today.

Have a nice day and God bless,

Rev Ashii Ashii.
First Bank of Nigeria   

I know that time is never your friend.  I hear that all the time.  But time has come today...time.  Does anybody really know what time it is?  Does anybody really care...about time?  Asking for a friend.   

Sir I still waiting to hear from you today, Can you do anything today
> as I wait to receive or to hear from you if you can do anything to
> enable us move ahead because we cannot afford to lose this fund at
> this time so act fast and get back to me now.
>
> Have a nice day and God bless note that all hope is not lost we must
> recover our lost glory in this Bank if we work together we can make it
> happen so hurry up and get back to me now.
>
> Thanks and remain safe till I hear from you now if possible send it to
> enable me transfer your fund without any delay okay.
>
> Rev Ashii Ashii.   

"we must recover our lost glory in this Bank".

I could see the "WTF?" look on Seymour before he even tried to come up with a reply:

You lost your glory in your bank?  How'd you do that?  How hard have you looked for it?  Dear me, this is terrible.  I've heard of losing virginity in a bank before, but lost glory?  Wow.  What's a person to do?   

The good "Rev" wasn't quite sure how to take this:

WHAT DID YOU YOU MEAN MR SEYMOUR?    

Seymour makes his version of a stab at clarification:

Glory days...pass you by

Glory days...in the wink of a young girl's eye.

Glory days...glory days...if I were you, I'd start the search for your lost glory in the bathroom.  Lots of stuff gets lost and mislaid there, including secretaries.  Suggested by a friend who's lost a secretary or two that way.

WHAT ARE YOU TALK ABOUT HERE MR SEYMOUR? ARE YOU WITH ME   

Good heavens no, Rev, I'm here.  I know where my Glory is.  I'm just trying to help you in my own geologic way to find your lost glory in your Bank.  If you didn't find it with a mislaid secretary in the bathroom, check the coat closet.   

WHAT IS THIS MEANING MR SEYMOUR?  THIS IS NO TIME FOR GAME.  WILL YOU PLS MAKE GOOD OUR TIME?   

I thought you were looking for your lost glory in the Bank.  If you have a Walmart thereabouts, you could check in the DVD section and see if they have a copy of it at 50% off.  

The "Rev" must have had an internal *TOING* at that point:

BYE   

That's the idea, Rev.  You find your lost glory in the discounted DVDs, you bye it.  Now you're cooking with gas.  Just don't drop trow and trying lighting it too close to the source.  Your nuts will be roasting on an open fire instead of Chet's.

BYE ASSHOLE   

Such language for a Rev.  Fortunately, Seymour didn't take it that way:

If you light the gas too close to your source, you might have to bye a new one, yes.

Since the Rev quit communicating with Seymour after that, I guess we'll never find out where he lost his glory and whether he ever found it in a Nigerian bank.  I'm betting on not.

Geography Kinda Matters

Yes it does.  Especially when writing to my character with a template meant to scam me.

Witness the rather obvious *FAIL* here:

Fraser Ogilvie (Student) <2400184@dundee.ac.uk>

Sun 10/13/2019 6:28 PM

 

My name is Maj. . I am an American soldier, presently in Iraq for the protection of the US embassy , the Iraqi army in relation to the advance of ISIS.  I have decided to contact you for your kind assistance to move the sum of (US$38,000,000.00) if I can be assured that my share will be safe in your care until I complete my service in Syria

Truly yours,
Maj.
The University of Dundee is a registered Scottish Charity, No: SC015096  

 

 

Quality control at this particular fly-infested internet cafe in some Third World craphole is not exactly on pace to make any performance goals.  

 

When my pet rock Seymour got done responding to it, things weren't expected to improve:

 

 Let me see if I have this straight:

 

You're an American soldier in Iraq.

Named Maj.

OR

You're name is Fraser Ogilvie, a student at the University of Dundee in Scotland.

You're protecting the US Embassy.

In Iraq.

From Syria.

Or protecting the US Embassy.

In Syria.

From Iraq.

And/or ISIS.

While at the University of Dundee in Scotland.

With or without Linda Koslowski.

And you say you have $38 million USD to move.

From someplace in Iraq.

Or Syria.

Or Scotland.

From ISIS.

Or Iraq.

Or Syria.

I don't suppose you see what you've just done there.

But I do.

I'll take dumbasses for $200, Alex.  

 

 

Neither I nor the pet rock expected a reply.  But we got one:

 

 

i am not what you mean here.  Can you help me?  

 

 

From what I can discern here, you are beyond any practical help.

Mental help might be a benefit.

Proofreading help, even moreso.

Please check your template and try your email again.

Operator PetRock.

 

 

what???

 

 

Exactly.

 

 

Seymour was all set to continue the repartee, but Maj/Fraser decided otherwise.  Too bad too, just when it appeared that we were within reach of an understanding...

 

 

A Confession?

This morning comes an email scam letter.

From Moochelle.

Yeah....THAT Moochelle.

While she vacations...in Benin?

Eh...as she says, it ain't her money.

Here's the scam:

 

On Wednesday, December 16, 2015 9:36 PM, MRS.MICHELLE OBAMA <OBAMA.@tea.ocn.ne.jp> wrote:

mrs.michelle.Obama@Hotmail.com

FROM MRS. MICHELLE OBAMA, LAST NOTICE

How are you today?

I am Mrs. Michelle Obama and I am written to inform you about your
Bank Cheque Draft brought by the United Embassy from the government of
Benin Republic in the white house Washington DC which contains the sum
of $22.000.000 millions us dollars credited from the bank of America,
the delivery of your funds has been mandated to be deliver to your
address on THURSDAY being 17th of dec, 2015 to you as soon as you get
back to me with your home address and your cell phone number.

Bear in mind that I have taking my time to be in charge of your funds
as instructed by my husband to ensure that you received your funds
successfully from the white house to reduce the economy and I’m the
only one that has your funds in regard to my husband Mr. Barack
Hussein Obama II and you will have to pay the sum of $550.00 only
before your Bank Cheque Draft will deliver to you on THUESDAY the
reason why the fee is required is to have your funds clearance paper
from the origin of the funds to avoid any harassment from the
authority and you are also expecting to be announce as winner of the
said amount by THURSDAY  as soon as your fund is delivered to you.

So you are urgent advised to get back to me with your home address
and also the payment information today for immediate effect of your
delivery. Note that the $550 is the only fee and final payment you
have my assurance.

However, according to our agreement with the originated Benin
Republic, all our communications should be on email for record purpose
so follow my instruction accordingly, even if you don’t have the $550
try to borrow it and send it immediately because this is your life
opportunity and I don’t want you to lose the chance any more.

Please I will advice you to urgent make the payment this morning via
western union or money gram money transfer to the listed cashier
information as instructed you by the originated authority. I will look
forward to received your email today with the payment to enable the
origin secure the required clearance papers required at White House
Benin to deliver your funds. Note that it will take only 14hrs to
deliver your Bank Cheque Draft in receipt of the $550 payment.

Please find the payment data below to send the $550via western union
or money gram.

Receiver Name: EMMANUEL UBA

Country Benin Republic

City Cotonou

Question: Urgent

Answer: Needed

Amount: $550.00

MTCN reference number............

Sender Name...........

Sender's Telephone……

Sender's Address........

I look forward to your respond to your email with the payment today.

Regards

Mrs. Michelle Obama

The White House

(Official Residence of the President of the US)

1600 Pennsylvania Avenue NW

Washington DC 20500 USA  

 

 

We always suspected...now we know. 

 

Since my pet rock isn't a registered voter, I let him have the honor of the reply:  


Yo, Mooch:

Sorry to have to tell you, but I'm not interested in helping your slovenly self or your pithy friends in Benin.  I only help the geologically disadvantaged.  Thus, I would help a lump of coal before I'd help your sorry ass or those of what you consider to be friends.  And that goes for your wife, too.

Seymour PetRock

It would amuse me to learn that Seymour is now added to the "no fly list".  He never could.

"Oh PHFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT!!!!!!!!!!!"

 

 

 

Scammer Vs Pet Rock

Seymour -- my jack of all trades, master of none -- got to end 2015 on a roll, doing my job of baiting an email scammer to rage.

Oh, the scammer started out on one of my other email addresses.  Early on I convinced him -- after about six exchanges -- that he would have to do business with Seymour PetRock, and gave him the appropriate email address to make that contact.

Which the scammer did.

Seymour takes it from there:

Dear
This is to inform you that you must do the responsibility to delivery your Atm Master Card for this office Dhl Expresss and your Atm Master Card is here now and again what you need to do now is to send the fee through Money- Gram transfer or Ria money transfer,I want you to try read this mail they I was sent to you ok, so that is our own advance.

you are advice to use below information’s send us $165.00 USD for our security keeping fees to allowing our chief security release your package to us for registration, send the fee via Ria money transfer Or money gram transfer with bellow information.

Receivers name: JONAS MICHEAL UGWUALUKA
Country: BENIN REPUBLIC
City: COTONOU
Amount: $165.00 USD
Question: A
Answer: D
Mtcn Number...........
Sender Name...............

I am awaiting for your response immediately

Mr.Kevin Anthony  


Did Frank Unsteen refer you to me?  

 Dear Customer, lrrelevant (the name receivers see on this email account).

 

This acknowledged receipt of your mail; through our recode file we have here your  package is in our security custody for delivery to your location address, you post address you forwarded is well received.

 you are advice to use below information’s send us $165.00 USD for our security keeping fees to  allowing our chief security release your package to us for registration, send the fee via Ria money transfer Or  money gram transfer with bellow information.
 
Receivers name: JONAS MICHEAL UGWUALUKA
Question: A
Answer: D
Country: BENIN REPUBLIC 
City: COTONOU

Amount: $165.00 USD
Mtcn   Number...........

 Sender Name,...........

 Immediately you send this $165.00 USD for our security keeping fee, your package will be register for delivery and your registration tracking details will be send to you, make sure that you transfer the fee today or tomorrow morning to allow us proceed on your service as soon as possible.

Best Regard.

Rev: MR. Joseph Harries
Director Dhl Express courier service
Email Address:united01nation2015@mail.ruPhone Number: +229-68709-787  

 

 

 

 

My name is Seymour Petrock, NOT irrelevant.  Now, did Frank Unsteen refer you to me?  

 

Yes, Irrelevant, you are the one is going to pay this fee.you are advice to use below information’s send us $165 dollars for our security keeping fees to allowing our chief security release your package to us for registration, send the fee via Ria money transfer Or money gram transfer with bellow information.

Receivers name: JONAS MICHEAL UGWUALUKA
Country: BENIN REPUBLIC
City: COTONOU
Amount: $165 dollars
Question: A
Answer: D
Mtcn Number...........
Sender Name...............

I am awaiting for your response immediately   

 

 

 Gawddammit, my name is SEYMOUR PETROCK you abject twatwaffle!   Did Frank Unsteen send you to me?  Yes or f***ing No? 

 

 

 Yes,I really understand what you said,We want you to go ahead and send the 165 dollars through Money-Gram transfer Or Ria  enable them to proceed this fund because that is only thing delayHere is the information that you will use to send the $165

RECEIVER NAME: JONAS MICHEAL UGWUALUKA
QUESTION:A
ANSWER: D
COUNTRY:BENIN REPUBLIC
City: COTONOU
AMOUNT: $165 dollars
MTCN: Number...........
SENDER NAME..........  

If you understand what I said then answer the simple question I'm asking:  did Frank Unsteen refer you to me?  I need to know.  


Attention; Beneficiary,This is to official inform you that we have been having meetings for the past
three (3) weeks which ended two days ago with MR. JIM YONG KIM the world bank
president and other seven continent presidents on the congress we treated on
solution to scam victim problems.

Note: we have decided to contact you following the reports we received from
anti-fraud international monitoring group your name/email has been submitted to
us therefore the united nations have agreed to compensate you with the sum of
(USD$1.5 Million) this compensation is also including international business
that failed you in past due to government problems etc.

We have arranged your payment through our ATM MasterCard and deposited it in
DHL Office to deliver it to you which is the latest instruction from the World
Bank president MR. JIM YONG KIM, For your information’s, the delivery charges
already paid by U.N treasury, the only money you will send to DHL office Benin
Republic is $165 dollars for security keeping fee, U.N coordinator already paid
for others charges fees for delivery except the security keeping fee, the
director of DHL refused to collect the security keeping fee from U.N treasury
because Direct of DHL office said they don’t know exactly time you will contact
them to reconfirm your details to avoid counting demurrage.

Therefore be advice to contact DHL Office agent Benin. Rev:Kevin Anthony who
is in position to post your ATM MasterCard, contact DHL Office  immediately
with the bellow email & phone number  as listed below.

Contact name: Rev: Kevin Anthony
Email:( united01nation2015@mail.ru )
Tell: +229-6870-9787

Make sure you reconfirmed DHL Office your details ASAP as stated below to avoid
wrong delivery.

Your full name..........
Home address:.........
Your country...........
Your city..............
Telephone......
Occupation:.......
Age:………………..

Let us know as soon as possible you receive your ATM MasterCard for proper
verifications.

Regards,
MR Kevin Anthony
DEPUTY SECRETARY-GENERAL (U.N)

My immediate respond is that Frank Unsteen baled you out since you couldn't answer a simple fucking question; he advised me that he told you that I was to be dealt with in this matter.  But for him, you were going no where with this.

Now as for the money you demand...I'll get to it.  

Dear we got your mail today and we want to inform you that once you send the securitry keeping fee registration your ATM MASTER CARD will be delivered to your home address without any further delaying and we will be waiting for your reply today with the money gram payment information today with this receiver JONAS MICHEAL UGWUALUKA  


That's more like it.  I will attend to it. 

Dear,We want to inform you that am waiting for you to have the money-gram payment information with this receiver JONAS MICHEAL UGWUALUKA  
DearHow are you doing tody and I hope all is well wth you.
The issue now is that  I am for your money-gram payment information to delivery your ATM MASTER CARD for soon as possible and  am awaited to hear from you 
DearHow are you doing tody and I hope all is well wth you.
The issue now I am for your money-gram payment information to delivery your ATM MASTER CARD for soon as possible and  am awaited to hear from you 

Yes, I know you're waiting.  I'm working on it  And don't call me tody, Plunger Lips. 

 

Dear,
Thanks for your mail,and regard to your mail,I really understand your word but also you should try your possible best to send the fee through money-gram transfer with this receiver name jonas micheal ugwualuka and am waiting for your payment soonest to delivery your ATM MASTER CARD OK.  

I have received your message and the contents were well digested.  I'm working on it. 

Dear,we got your email and regard your ATM MASTER CARD.
I have assured you that as soon as you send the needed fee throug money -gram transfer with this receiver name jonas micheal ugwualuka and I really want you to made this payment today or tomorrow  because that is only thing delaying.  

Understand all that you have said.  I'm working on it. 

Dear,
We got your mail and regard to your mail.
I am waiting for your money-gram payment information to delivery your ATM MASTER CARD now.  
Dear,We want to inform you that I suggestive you to go and made the payment informaion through money-gram transfer before the Holidays   I received and well understood your mail.  I am working on it.  It snowed here today.  I will take action tomorrow.  

Dear,We want you to go ahead and send the needed through money-gram transfer with this receiver name jonas micheal ugwualuka and am waiting for your money-gram today as you promise 

Dear,We want you to go ahead and send the needed through money-gram transfer with this receiver name jonas micheal ugwualuka and am waiting for your money-gram payment information today as you promise 
I am leaving right now to take care of this. 

Dear,We want you to go ahead and send the needed through money-gram transfer with this receiver name jonas micheal ugwualuka and am waiting for your money-gram today as you promise  and am waiting for your money-gram payment informtion now. 

Money Gram?  Sh**...I sent it Western Union.    

 

Once you send the fee now throug money-gram transfer with this receiver,jonas micheal ugwualuka we will delievery your ATM MASTER CARD to you with any delay.

You will send it Money-gram  not western union? 

 

 

If you insist on that then I must retrieve it from Western Union to send it Money Gram.  

Yes do it first,I want you to send it money -gram transfer and am waiting for your money-gram payment information now and once you send it money-gram attach payment copy 

Okay, I got my money back from Western Union.  I have to find a Money Gram location.  

Yes do it first,I want you to send it money -gram transfer and am waiting for your money-gram payment information now and once you send it money-gram attach payment copy.

And once you send it to money-gram and tell them to give you reference number

Here is the informatiom that you will use to send it to money-gram transfer.

Receivers name: JONAS MICHEAL UGWUALUKA
Country: BENIN REPUBLIC
City: COTONOU
Amount: $165.00 USD
Question: A
Answer: D
Mtcn Number...........
Sender Name...............

I am awaiting for your response immediately  

I had to look around some to find a Money Gram.  It's sent.  

I want you to look any money-gram around is you side and send it immediately to enable you to receive your ATM MASTER CARD today, and I also advise you to send 165 dollars because of time  


I already found one and sent the money.  What's wrong with time?  Is the Earth's axis slowing down? 


Dear,How are you doing today i hope fine, i have received your massage and is well noted, as you have already sent the money via money gram payment information the onlything you have to do is this, just email me back with the payment information's like the sender's name/senders phone/the reference number's from money gram so that we can pick up the fee here today, then after we receive it your ATM Master card i will be delivered to you without any delay.  


I am most gratified at your understanding and the knowledge that we are close to resolution.  New Years is the time for that as you know.  

I want you to remember that before the new years your ATM MASTER CARD will be cancel,you have to sent your money-gram payment information now because there is more time to delivery your ATM MASTER CARD and I also advise you to ensure that you will send the money-gram payment information today with this name,jonas micheal ugwualuka  

I sent you the money via Money Gram.  What are you talking about?  

 

 

 Dear,We want you to really understand if you sent the money then you have to attach the money-gram payment information to enable us to delivery your ATM MASTER CARD and I also advise you to really understand this issue now and I want you to attach money-gram payment information now, I waited to hear from  your response immediatey.  


Exactly what payment informations of the Money Gram is you needing?

I want you to reconfirm your via money-gram payment slip now because I did not got the money you have already sent? sender,name...........
reference number...........or
Mtcn number..................
Your country..................
Your telephone number..........

I waiting for your response immediately  

 

Yes I sended the money.

sender,name...........Seymour PetRock
reference number...........or
Mtcn number..................there were 8 of them
Your country..................USA
Your telephone number..........303-***-****  

Finally....FINALLY...there seems to be at least one person with more than three working brain cells that's reading these emails:


you game us.  no more you write ok?  


Ok...I write mores.  

And Seymour has...about a dozen more emails and counting, but 'no more' they reply.

Butt hurting scammers in the New Year.  My pet rock bad.