Don't Bank On It

I'm sure that not all banks in Nigeria are like this one.

Just the ones that I and my character(s) hear from are.

Especially when the bank rep(tile) writing to me/us is a self-proclaimed 'Rev', such as here:


FROM INTERNATIONAL REMITTANCE DEPARTMENT
FIRST BANK NIGERIA PLC
35 ASABA HOUSE LAGOS NIGERIA
CONTACT EMAIL:CONTACT EMAIL: firstb5960@gmail.com


Dear Beloved Beneficiary 

This letter is written to inform you the reason behind your delay payment.I am Rev,Ashii Ashii the Director,International Remittance Department of this Bank,my Formal Boss,Mr.Jacobs M.Ajekigbe,the Managing Director/CEO of this bank is now on compulsory leave and all power have been vested on me to make all international payments.Also,due to reported cases of corrupt practices in other Nigeria Banks including the Central Bank of Nigeria,the Federal Government has revoked/canceled all power vested on those banks and has appointed our bank (First Bank of Nigeria) to make all foreign payments.Be informed that the Federal Government have approved the release of part-payment of$7.5M(Seven Million Five Hundred Thousand Dollars) out of your total funds,which has been in this bank for many years unclaimed because Mr.Jacobs Ajekigbe,Collaborated with the Governor of Central Bank of Nigeria (CBN)and have refused to tell you the truth on how to claim your fund this is because he has been using the interest accumulated f

After the transfer,you will confirm the fund in your bank account within 5hours the same day.No Cost of Transfer (COT) and no stoppage from any Government departments as the transfer will be done within the bank alone and it is very safe.The method which was introduced to you before is the Telegraphic Transfer (TT) for which confirmation was 48hrs,because of the time factor,petitions could come from various organizations stopping your payment and asking you to pay huge fee which would be difficult for you to pay so that they can benefit from the huge interest your fund generates while still in the Bank.

This method is not safe for you because it is not done within the bank alone as information of the payment would be sent to the Central Control Unit (CCU) of the Federal Ministry of Finance and office of the Accountant General of the Federation.As a good Christian, I have nothing to gain by keeping your fund,I want to assist you receive your fund Before it accumulate Dumurrage.You have to follow up and work with me now.

Ensure that you keep this very confidential because of fraudsters and impostors who go about presenting various bank accounts in order to divert another beneficiary's fund.

your advise to reconfirm the following details below to us with valid account co-ordinates and amount to be claimed.

Note your transfer code is FBXNZ7XX5M you must keep it confidential to avoid intruder or claim by anyone so that I do not transfer your
fund to the wrong Bank Account.

1.Account Holders Name..........
2.Bank Name.............
3.Bank Address.........
4.Home Address.........
5.Swift Code..........
6.Your Contact Cell Phone......
7.Occupation..........
8.Age.................
9.A Copy of your id

Finally i ask for your mutual understanding and cooperation to serve you
better.

Yours truly,

Rev,Ashii Ashii
First Bank Nigeria Plc.
CONTACT EMAIL:firstb5960@gmail.com   


My character saw all kinds of questions ladled throughout this email.  So did my scambaiting pet rocks, Seymour and Element.

Seymour proved faster on the 'reply' button:


Nigeria has one unlooted bank left that's still open?   


Rev. Twice Ashii proves once again that it isn't what one says in a reply; it's that one replied at all that matters:


FROM INTERNATIONAL REMITTANCE DEPARTMENT
FIRST BANK NIGERIA PLC
35 ASABA HOUSE LAGOS NIGERIA
CONTACT EMAIL:CONTACT EMAIL:

Dear  Seymour PetRock

Good Morning I got your email but you need to do what i ask you to do to enable us receive your details from his Bank.
Your advise to reconfirm the following details below to us with valid account co-ordinates and amount to be claimed.Note your transfer code is FBXNZ7XX5M you must keep it confidential to avoid intruder or claim by anyone so that I do not transfer your fund to the wrong Bank Account.

1.Account Holders Name..........
2.Bank Name.............
3.Bank Address.........
4.Home Address.........
5.Swift Code and Routing Code..........
6.Your Contact Cell Phone......
7.Occupation..........
8.Age.................
9.A Copy of your id

10. Your Account Number

Finally i ask for your mutual understanding and cooperation to serve you better.
Yours truly,
Rev Ashii Ashii

First Bank Nigeria Plc.

+2347033058907 CALL ME FOR MORE INFORMATION OKAY   


And the good Rev included what he felt would serve as authenticating bona fides:

Seymour wasn't impressed, but was too bored not to follow up:

Where's the money coming from?  She's so fine, there's no telling where the money went.   

Sir this Money is coming from first Bank of Nigeria so send me your
bank details to enable us move forward as I welcome you to new month
note that time is not our friend again so hurry up and get back to me
now as I wait to hear from you today.

Have a nice day and God bless,

Rev Ashii Ashii.
First Bank of Nigeria   

I know that time is never your friend.  I hear that all the time.  But time has come today...time.  Does anybody really know what time it is?  Does anybody really care...about time?  Asking for a friend.   

Sir I still waiting to hear from you today, Can you do anything today
> as I wait to receive or to hear from you if you can do anything to
> enable us move ahead because we cannot afford to lose this fund at
> this time so act fast and get back to me now.
>
> Have a nice day and God bless note that all hope is not lost we must
> recover our lost glory in this Bank if we work together we can make it
> happen so hurry up and get back to me now.
>
> Thanks and remain safe till I hear from you now if possible send it to
> enable me transfer your fund without any delay okay.
>
> Rev Ashii Ashii.   

"we must recover our lost glory in this Bank".

I could see the "WTF?" look on Seymour before he even tried to come up with a reply:

You lost your glory in your bank?  How'd you do that?  How hard have you looked for it?  Dear me, this is terrible.  I've heard of losing virginity in a bank before, but lost glory?  Wow.  What's a person to do?   

The good "Rev" wasn't quite sure how to take this:

WHAT DID YOU YOU MEAN MR SEYMOUR?    

Seymour makes his version of a stab at clarification:

Glory days...pass you by

Glory days...in the wink of a young girl's eye.

Glory days...glory days...if I were you, I'd start the search for your lost glory in the bathroom.  Lots of stuff gets lost and mislaid there, including secretaries.  Suggested by a friend who's lost a secretary or two that way.

WHAT ARE YOU TALK ABOUT HERE MR SEYMOUR? ARE YOU WITH ME   

Good heavens no, Rev, I'm here.  I know where my Glory is.  I'm just trying to help you in my own geologic way to find your lost glory in your Bank.  If you didn't find it with a mislaid secretary in the bathroom, check the coat closet.   

WHAT IS THIS MEANING MR SEYMOUR?  THIS IS NO TIME FOR GAME.  WILL YOU PLS MAKE GOOD OUR TIME?   

I thought you were looking for your lost glory in the Bank.  If you have a Walmart thereabouts, you could check in the DVD section and see if they have a copy of it at 50% off.  

The "Rev" must have had an internal *TOING* at that point:

BYE   

That's the idea, Rev.  You find your lost glory in the discounted DVDs, you bye it.  Now you're cooking with gas.  Just don't drop trow and trying lighting it too close to the source.  Your nuts will be roasting on an open fire instead of Chet's.

BYE ASSHOLE   

Such language for a Rev.  Fortunately, Seymour didn't take it that way:

If you light the gas too close to your source, you might have to bye a new one, yes.

Since the Rev quit communicating with Seymour after that, I guess we'll never find out where he lost his glory and whether he ever found it in a Nigerian bank.  I'm betting on not.