Disorder In Da Email

Curly probably didn't do that in 1936.  But this is 2017.

The US government has apparently joined farces with the African Union to stamp out internet scams.

So says this scam email:

United States Investigations Services (USIS)
7799 Leesburg PikeSuite 1100 North
Falls Church, VA 22043 Compliment of The Day,
                                  READ CAREFULLY
I am Mitch Lawrence the Vice President, Security and Counterintelligence (CI) for United States Investigations Services (USIS) in alliance with Economic Community of West African states (ECOWAS) with the head Office in Nigeria. We the United States government and the United Nation, we have been working towards the eradication of Internet Scam around the globe, western part of Africa to be precise.

However, it has been revealed that there's no fund in your name anywhere in the world, if you have been receiving e-mails from Banks, Compensation Office, Lottery, Inheritance funds e.t.c., you're therefore advise to ignore such e-mails they are impostor/fraudster trying to rip you off your hard earn money and if you're in communication with any person or office claiming that your funds is with them, we also advise you to stop/seize further communication and transaction with such person/office immediately, they are all liars and thieves. Also you're order to forward such emails to this office to help aid the arrest of this fraudsters and impostors.

We have been able to track down so many of this scam artist in various part of west Africa countries which includes (NIGERIA, REPUBLIC OF BENIN, TOGO, GHANA CAMERON AND SENEGAL), they are all in the custody of the United States Secret Agent (USSA) Nigeria, also huge amount of money was recovered from the scam artists. In reference to this, several indoor meeting was held between the United Nation, United States government and the African Union in Abuja the federal capital of Nigeria, agreement was reached that scam victims will be compensated with the money recovered from scam artist that are in custody of the Nigeria Economic and Financial Crimes Commission (EFCC) and the United States Secret Agent (USSA) in Nigeria.

Note this e-mail is been directed to you because during our investigations, your email address was found in one of the scam Artists file and computer hard disk in  our custody. In reference to this regards, you will be compensated with the sum of US$17, .500,000.00 (Seventeen Million five Hundred Thousand Dollars). Meanwhile, the Africa Union has requested for evidence to prove you are a victim of West Africa scam. In plight to this regards the USIS have appointed a United State base Attorney (Barrister Coman Lee) here in the State to advocate on your behalf and provide the requested evidence to process the payment approval for your fund to be release  to you.

IMPORTANT NOTICE: The only fee you're to pay to the Attorney is the processing fee $350 for procurment of legal evidence to prove to the West Africa Union that you are a victim of scam. Also kindly request him to direct you on how to submit the processing fee $350

Kindly verify your details to Barrister Coman Lee to enable him process and secure evidence to aid the release of your payment to you, also make sure your details and residential address are provided correctly to avoid any atom of mistake and delay during processing.

(1) Your Full Name: ...................
(2) Full Residential Address:.......... (P.O.BOX NOT ALLOWED)
(3) Direct Phone Number: ..............
(4) Valid ID Card: ....................

CONTACT PERSON: Barrister Coman Lee
E-MAIL ADDRESS: barristerlee009@gmail.com
TEL: +1 (971) 512-3139

As soon as he received your details, the processing to aid the release of your Compensation Refund will be facilitated immediately and your US$17, .500,000.00 (Seventeen Million five Hundred Thousand Dollars) will be made payable to you in due time within the next 72 hours.
Treat as urgent!

Regards.
Mitch Lawrence
Vice President, Security and Counterintelligence
United States Investigations Services (USIS)
---
This email has been checked for viruses by Avast antivirus software.https://www.avast.com/antivirus

Y'know...they almost had me convinced.  Not:

From: Mr. Siwick Jee <oscar@ifenix.com.br>
Sent: Tuesday, May 2, 2017 11:45 PM
To: Recipients
Subject: United States Investigates Vaginal Itch Services (USIVIS) 

United States Investigates Vaginal Itch Services (USIVIS)

7799 Leesburg Pike Where It Leaves The Cut
Suite 1100 North
Falls Church, Goes Boom, VA 22043
Compliment of The Day:  Yo Goat's A Ho

                                  READ CAREFULLY BEFORE TRYING THIS WITH SALLY JO BEHIND THE WOOD PILE

I am Mitch Lawrence the former Vice President, Suckurity and Counterintellect (CI) for United States Investigates Vaginal Itch Services (USIVIS) in alliance with Accumulated Community of West Scamming African Sucky states (ACOWSASS) with our heads up our orifices here in Nigeria. We and them there, we have been working towards the eradication of any impediments to Internet Scam around the globe, and we're eyeing parts of Uranus too, to be precise.

However, it has been revealed that there's no scam in your name anywhere in the world.  WTF is up widdat?  We KNOW that you have been receiving e-mails from Banks, Compensation Office, Lottery, Inheritance funds e.t.c., and it's oblivious to us that you're ignore such e-mails because you think that they are impostor/fraudster trying to rip you off your hard earn money.  *BUZZZZZZER*...not true not true noooooot true!!!  If you are not in communication with any person or office claiming that your funds is with them, we advise you to increase further communication and transaction with such person/office immediately.  You are to stop all manures of helping anyone to arrest of this fraudsters and impostors.

And while you're at it, help us get a better grammar checker.

We have been able to track down so many vaginal itch scam artist in various part of west Africa countries which includes (NIGERIA, REPUBLIC OF BENIN, TOGO, GHANA CAMERON AND SENEGAL), that they are being counterproductive in this the scam they are tasked to operate and you are not helping by not falling into line with their dicktates or twottates -- if that is a word -- so as to requiring us to stake them all out on army ant migration routes for being non productive little shits.  And our army ants are getting too fat as a result.

So fat, in fact, that our army ants were unable to eat the United States Secret Agent man (USSAm) here in Nigeria; they did manage to give him a number and take away his name, but not much else.

Bad fat army ants.  Very bad fat army ants.  Very very bad.

Note this e-mail is been downgraded from c sharp to e flat.  Please take note.  Very discordant of it.  Fat ants can't carry a tune.

 

In reference to this regards, you will be asked to find us a tuba oboe that can play both.  We ain't gots one.  You gots you gots you gots what we need.  Meanwhile, the Africa Union has requested for evidence to prove that beaver kumquats can order nachos at Chilis.  In plight to this regards the USIVIS have appointed a debased Atturkey (Bannister Coman Lee) here to advocate on your behalf for a queefing marching band during halftime at NFL games this fall.  

IMPORTANT NOTICE: The only fee you're to pay achieve all this with our atturkey is the fee $350 for procurment of painful rectal itch waivers to prove to the West Africa Union that hash tags is a thing to be rectumed with in certain parts of Washington DC and on undereducated college crampuses like Berkeley.  Also kindly request him to direct you on how to buy him a Pillsbury Dildoboy genital insert; they're all the rage here in Nigeria.

Kindly verify your sordid details to Bannister Coman Lee to enable him.  He's been disabled in so many ways for so many days.

(1) Your Full Name: ...................
(2) Full Residential Address:.......... (P.O.BOX NOT ALLOWED TO BE LOUD SO IF YOU HAVE LOUD PO BOX TELL IT TO SHUT UP)
(3) Direct Phone Number: ..............
(4) Valid ID Card: ....................

CONTACT PERSON: Bannister Coman Lee
E-MAIL ADDRESS: barristerlee009@gmail.com
TEL: +1 (971) 512-3139

As soon as he received your first born butt polyp, shit will start to happen here resulting in all the losers of The Gong Show that aren't dead showing up at your release from prison to offer you a show on CNN within the next 72 hours.

Treat as urgent because no one else seems to.

Regards.
Mitch Lawrence

Former Vice President, Suckurity and Counterintellect (CI)

United States Investigates Vaginal Itch Services (USIVIS)

---
This email has been checked for viruses by ARRRRRRRRRvast antivirus software and found to be full of piratical crotch crickets.  Rub your genitals with sand paper for five minutes vigorously.

My pet rock, Seymour, is a bit disappointed not to get a response on this from the Pillsbury Doughboy...they're friends.

 

"Are NOT!!!  PHFFFFFFFFFFFFFT!!!"

Talking Desks Are Incredulous

Scammers apparently love using the approach of "from the desk of" in their scams.

It finds so little success here.

But they keep trying.

Like this nincompoop:


WELCOME TO RIA MONEY TRANSFER
DESK OF Mr. David Bello,
E-mail riatransfer101@gmail.comhttp://www.riamoneytransfer.com/

Dear Friend,

I want to make you understand something in life that you failed to  realize, I want you to have at the back of your mind that all this  while you have been dealing with fake people, claiming to be western  union/money gram and banks official, I have never slept a day without  being worried about your issue since I entered into this custody of  Ria Money Transfer. I have been keeping this as a secret, but I want  to open up to you at this very moment avoid Judgment day in the  present of Almighty God, do you really know what holding your payment  over and over, paying your earned money without result is because of  (Certificate of Occupancy) look, I want you to do me a favor by keep  this issue secret.

For your sake just to be honest and integrity, I am praying day and  night towards this case, once i sight mine eyes on your contract  compensation award winner, you spend a lots yet no conclusion, I  believed that God use someone to save somebody, as the matter of in  fact with the hope that this transfer have come to the end for you to  receive your payment as I took this bold step, what I mostly needed  from you is honest and integrity also keeping this secret and
confidential.He keeps this up for several more paragiraffes before he gets to what all scammers must eventually come to:  THE SCAM:

made it clear to me that instead of him demanding for fees upon  fees; why don?t we pay the whole needed fee for once and get this fund  transferred or delivered immediately to you If you?re ready to comply  with the US$105,00 Finally,I would love you to open up to me if I
should forward a letter of declaration to you for you to sign on it  stating that you?re no more interested in making this claim so I can  forward to the bank,UN, FBI & INTERPOL. But if you?re still interested  in making the claim, kindly try and send down the needed fee today so
I can make all arrangement with the bank to avoid misunderstanding

Receiver Name: SUNDAY MABIA
Receiver Country: Benin Republic
City: Cotonou
Text Question: A
Text Answer: B
I await your prompt response,
Regards,
Mr. David Bello
E-mail  riatransfer101@gmail.com  

Little did my intended scammer realize that my character would be turning over response responsibilities to a pet rock -- Seymour -- and his "editing gone wild" proclivities:

WELCOME TO WTF MONEY TRANSPORTERS UNLTD

From the DESK OF Mr. David Bello,
E-mail riatransfer101@gmail.com

I want to make you understand something in life that you failed to realize:  if a sheep is a ram and a donkey is an ass, how does that lead to a ram in the ass being a goose?  I want you to have at the back of your mind that all this while you have been dealing Texas Hold 'Em Poker with fake people, claiming to be from the streets of Laredo, as you walked out in Laredo one day.  You know the refrain:  "You spied a young cowboy all dressed in white linen...dressed in white linen as cold as the clay".  "I see by your outfit, that you are a cowboy".  "I see by your outfit you are a cowboy too"...."we see by our outfits, that we are both cowboys...if you get an outfit you can be a cowboy too". 

 I have never slept a day without being worried about that gawddamned song.

 I have been keeping this as a secret, but I want to open up to you at this very moment to confess that when I was 16, I had a piranha genital implanted in my crotch, because I had curiousness about what might happen when this was done.  Now to avoid Judgment day in the present of Almighty God, do you really know what happened?  It ate anything that came in contact with it.  I want you to do me a favor by keep this issue secret, as I'm engaged to a yak named Bertha.

For your sake just to be honest and integrity -- I think Dixie-ans mix that with cheese, butter and hawg jowls to make it edible -- I am praying day and night that the colon spasms that dish caused me will pass.  I never knew I could be that full of fecal material, once i sight mine eyes on the glory of a Sports Illustrated Swimsuit edition.  I believed that God use someone to save somebody and I hope he'll use me to save Kate Upton, but I digress.  Again you are implored at keeping this secret and confidential, or she'll get a retraining order on me.

Right now, this might interest you to know the main reason while I keep my piranha genital exposed below is to keep away crotch crickets.  In spite of what has been writed here, don?t ever you ignore below messages, it is yours times six or so for God to answer your prayer with a swift kick in the pantaloons.  

 

Well, I wouldn?t say I regretted taking such step because I don’t knew how much badly I need a knew smellpecker on the computer this desk is ewesing to decompose this emale.  But my pains and agonies
is much each times I get hit right in the nutzack.  

Well, a times I seat down and land on my nutzack and yowza that hoits.  But sometimes you act funny just because of the bad name and reputation of this country (Benin Republic in African) and talk to yourself in crowded elevators whilst farting Beethoven in e flat to the consternation of the orchestrated elevator music that is ill prepared for what accompanies your e flat in an olfactory manure.  Then there is your past experience with some of your ex dates that wanted Rothchilds 1929 and you gave them $1.99 Boone's Farm Ripple.  You didn't get any, didya?

But when I seat down in my office sometime last week and landed on my nutzack, I was trying not to pass out and vomit, with the hope of not talking like Peewee Herman in perpetuity.  

Considering the state of affairs you've faked with your hand, I will be glad to notify you for the last time what holding your talleywhacker isn't my problem; I just sat on my nutzack again and am cross-eared.

I had my secretary's desk read this email and find that my explanation makes no sense.  Please! & please! Can you help yourself out from this matter so I can get off my nutzack and can forget about the accompanying agonies once and for all?   

I'm going to need $105 USD from you for to reinflate my flattened nutzack.  If you?re ready to comply with the US$105,00, it will be great relief to me and Bertha.  Otherwise, I can forward to the bank,UN, FBI & INTERPOL that you are a sexual pervert stalking manatees in North Dakota.  Send me money to avoid that misunderstanding:

Receiver Name: BLACK SUNDAY MAMBA
Receiver Country: Benin Republic
City: Cotonou
Text Question: WTF
Text Answer: YouTF

I await a respond from you exemplifying promptitude and panache with melted butter 'n syrup.

Regards,
Mr. David Bello
E-mail  riatransfer101@gmail.com

Unlike the totally hilarious James Veitch -- the Brit Spamalot comedian that drives scammers to distraction:

Seymour didn't get a response to his editing effort.

The pet rock would have been THRILLED to have received a free toaster.

"PHFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Or maybe not...

In The Navy..Not

Even Popeye wouldn't fall for this one.

Probably.

Avast me hardies and feast your eyes on this email, arrrrrrr:


Dear Good Friend,

We discovered useful materials under the Ocean, which includes boxes  belonging to passengers of the dead aircraft that crashed in January 2016  at Gulf of Mexico Caribbean Sea. Each of the two boxes contain Six Million  Dollars, which we hide behind Caribbean Sea for more than one year. We
cannot ship the boxes in our names because of our naval reputation.

If you have the credibility to handle the boxes then forward your complete  information for delivery schedule, also bear in mind that 30% of the total  content will be yours at successful end of this transaction. Myself and my  Colleague will visit you as soon as the boxes are confirmed in your hands.
Your Full Name, Address,Occupation, Direct Mobile Phone Number, Age and
your Passport/ Id card Proof.

 I await your reply to determine the necessary steps to magnificent  success, we are currently deployed but would get a leave immediately when  the box arrives at your destination.

 Below is my email address for response back to me and if you are on Skype
once you receive the message , get back to us immediately with your Skype
ID so we can add up and discuss more ob voice chat and video chatstoo..gildassontos@gmail.com

Regards,

CDR Armstrong Walter, 0002
Deputy Director, TFCC  


What might come as no surprise, this email arrrrrrrrrrrived the day before the solar eclipse, which might explain none of it.  My character's fascination runneth over:

This is a fascinating story.  But which undersea salvage company are you using?  And how do you hide things behind a sea?  Please tell me more.  

The "CDR" was only too happy to do so:

Good Day Jack

I am happy to hear from you, the transaction is legit and risk free but before we proceed i would love for us to get to know each other better , I am a Naval Officer with the US Military , am 49 years old born in August 28  , i am single never married , a simple and easy going person , i have attached my photo and my passport  here for trust and means of identification , i would love you to send yours too , any means of identification and if possible i would prefer we chat on Skype see each other ,i tried adding you on Skype but when i searched for your name i saw so much options , you can try finding me , my SKype ID is william.walter12  ,  we need to get on with this box as soon as possible so it can be delivered with immediate effect.

Once we do all these , i will ask the deposit / delivery company to effect shipment and send you the tracking details for you to be able to monitor the shipment and know when it would get to your location and once it gets to you , we will come to your location for the sharing of the fund, we advise you keep this confidential to avoid losing the fund if you understand what i mean.

Hope to hear from you soon.

Best Regards 
CDR Armstrong Walter, 0002
Deputy Director, TFCC  


He did, in fact, include a picture of him in his naval officer uniform, since he did say that he was a CDR (abbreviation for Commander):

 Granted, I'm a lifelong land lubber...but even I know that that ain't the uniform of a US Navy commander.

*TOING* goes the weasel.

Still, I decided to see just how on top of his reading comprehension he was with this reply.  And note that on the day this reply was crafted, the solar eclipse was totalitarying:

Good day eclipse.  Good day eclipse.  Good day eclipse.  It is to laugh...when the sun is dark...owls come out and your gf barks...(with no apologies to the Beatles)
 

A few peculiarities I noted, and I'm sure that the near totality of a solar eclipse is responsible for practically none of them:
 

1.  Your email addy is gildassontos@gmail.com
2. You're Cdr. Armstrong Walter in your email.
3. Naval officer in US Military.
4. Dressed like a chief petty officer in your picture.
5. With a Skype ID of william.walter12
6. You've hidden two boxes behind the Caribbean Sea.
7. You were born in August 28 49 years ago.
8. You're deputy director of the TFCC.
9. Deputy director of the Triangular FibroCartilage Complex (TFCC).
10. You once sailed with Captain Jack Sparrow.
11. And served on the CSS Hunley.

12. With Brian Williams.
13. During the Battle of the River Plate.

14. With an Irish dance troupe.
15. Where sank the Germain pocket battleship Admiral Giraffe Pee.

16. Because of not having the right glasses.
17. During a solar eclipse totality.
18. In Wyoming.
19. During which you were photographed leaving a Motel 6 with an inflatable sheep at 3am.
20. And you want to chat on Skype.

I don't have Skype.  Nor do I have the special glasses to look at Skype during a solar eclipse totality.

I do however have a special sensor that can help the USS Enterprise circle Uranus and find Klingons.  Perhaps we can chat on that modality.  Let me know when it's arranged.  

 

 

The noted peculiarities proved too much for Armstrong Walter to want to explain further.

 

Yes, the peculiarities during a solar eclipse in totality are many and complex.  Even for commander chief petty officers trying to hide things behind a sea.  In an octopus's garden.  In a box.

Sea Screws

Scammers must love something about Australian cruise lines for making their scam templates from.  It seems that just about all the cruise line job scams I get come from cruise lines out of Australia.

I reckon Barbie's pretty over having shrimp thrown on her down there, after dumping gender neutral Ken.

At any rate, here's yet another attempt by scammers to use an Australian cruise line as bait for their scam:

AZAMARA CLUB CRUISE LINE

PO Box 157 Walker Street,

Level 12,

North Sydney, NSW 2060

Australia

(You’ll love where we take you)

Fax: 612 8904 0888

http:// www.azamaracruises.com

Email: azamaracruiseoffice@mail2australia.com

 

Employment Notice

 

Azamara Club Cruise Australia Recruitment urgently needs the services of devoted and hardworking people who are ready to work in France after undergoing enlistment training in France.

Qualified applicant should contact us immediately for job placement.

The management intends to increase its manpower base due to new ships and increasing number of customers in our Cruise Linear.

The total recruitments will be 175 applicants.

 

THESE ARE THE AVAILABLE POSITIONS:

Accountant	Food and Beverage Staff	Computer Specialist
Musician	Administrative Assistant	Lecturer
Activities Director	Restaurant Staff	Reservation Staff
Disc Jockey	Gift Shop Staff	Cruise Staff
Activities Staff	Reservation Staff	Massage Therapist
Cleaner	Child Care Worker	Medical Staff (Doctor / Nurse)
Security	Waitress	Beautician / Aesthetician
Engineering	Hostess	Singer
Photographer	Guest Speaker	Housekeeping
Engine Room Staff	Dancer	Bartender
Bar Staff	Dance Instructor	Comedian
Production Manger	Public Relation Staff	Guest Service Officer

THERE ARE OTHER AVAILABLE POSITIONS WHICH ARE NOT LISTED.
 

THE MANAGEMENT WILL SECURE A VISA/WORKING PERMIT FOR ANY QUALIFIED PERSON. VISA FEE, ACCOMMODATION & FLIGHT TICKET WILL BE PAID BY THE COMPANY.

 

Join us on board for the career journey of your life; interested applicants should forward their CV/RESUME via email: azamaracruiseoffice@mail2australia.com   in the email subject line write the POSITION you are applying for and your NAME and COUNTRY OF ORIGIN/RESIDENT for fast processing of application.

 

Its Azamara Club Cruise Australia policy never discriminates against any employee or applicant for employment because of; “RACE, COLOR, RELIGION, SEX, NATIONAL ORIGIN, AGE, DISABILITY, MARITAL OR VETERAN STATUS’’

 

Regards,

Management

Azamara Club Cruise Australia  

 

 

And it's so convincing, too.

 

Let's see how my edit compares:

 

 

AZAMARA CLUB NIGHTMARE CRUISE LINE PO Box 157 Walker Street, Level 12, North Sydney, NSW 2060 Australia (You’ll love where we take you from by the time we're done) Fax: 612 8904 0888   Email: azamaracruiseoffice@mail2australia.com   Employment Notice   Azamara Club Nightmare Cruise Australia Recruitment urgently needs the services of people devoid of sense and reason who are ready to be used and abused enroute to and while in France after undergoing pre-employment rectal scans invasive beyond all belief. Qualified applicant should run screaming from this website. The management intends to increase its manpower base due to islamofascist attacks, Somali pirates, storms, mayhem and mishaps and other assorted sh*t on the high seas. The total recruitments will be 175 applicants.   THESE ARE THE AVAILABLE POSITIONS: Accountant (don't everyone has one?) Shark Food Chum Staff Computer Effects Specialist Musician Administrative Assistant Twat Waffle Pre-Sinking Activities Director Douche Nozzle Staff Reservation About Going Staff Disc Jockey Gift Shop Staff Douche Canoe Staff Pre-Sinking Activities Staff Staph 'n strep Massage Therapist Cleaner Fryer Medical Staff (Doctor / Nurse/whole fucking hospital) Security    Waitress Beautician / Aesthetician/Delusionician Engineering Hostess Twinkie or Ding Dong Singer Swinger Dinger Photographer for later court cases Guest shark bait Keeping Houses from falling on ship if sailing in Kansas Engine Room Staff Dancer, Prancer, Donut or Blintz Bartender Bar Stiffener Sinking Instructor Comedian to entertain whilst we sink Post Sinking Production Manager Pubic Relation Staff Guest Service Staff handing out life preservers and sea sick pills THERE ARE OTHER AVAILABLE POSITIONS WHICH ARE NOT LISTED AND WITH F**KING GOOD REASON.   THE MANAGEMENT WILL SECURE A 72 HOUR MENTAL HEALTH EVALUATION FOR ANY QUALIFIED PERSON. VISA FEE, ACCOMMODATION & FLIGHT TICKET WILL BE PAID BY THE COMPANY.   Join us on board for the clusterf**k of a journey of your life; after reading this if still interested, such as described idiot applicants should forward their CV/RESUME via email: azamaracruiseoffice@mail2australia.com   in the email subject line write the POSITION you are applying for and your NAME and COUNTRY OF ORIGIN/RESIDENT for immediate laughter on the part of our operators who are sitting by to receive this sh*t.   Its Azamara Club Nightmare Cruise Australia policy discriminates against any employee or applicant for employment because of having read and really -- and we do mean REALLY -- having understood how full of sh*t this document is.  We don't discriminate against dumbasses; we'll scam all of those we can get.     Regards, Management Azamara Club Nightmare Cruise Australia

I didn't get any replies from the cruisers.  Nor, so far, from the hundred or so scammers I forwarded this email to. Perhaps they weren't all that interested in a sea screw.