Talking Desks Are Incredulous

Scammers apparently love using the approach of "from the desk of" in their scams.

It finds so little success here.

But they keep trying.

Like this nincompoop:


WELCOME TO RIA MONEY TRANSFER
DESK OF Mr. David Bello,
E-mail riatransfer101@gmail.comhttp://www.riamoneytransfer.com/

Dear Friend,

I want to make you understand something in life that you failed to  realize, I want you to have at the back of your mind that all this  while you have been dealing with fake people, claiming to be western  union/money gram and banks official, I have never slept a day without  being worried about your issue since I entered into this custody of  Ria Money Transfer. I have been keeping this as a secret, but I want  to open up to you at this very moment avoid Judgment day in the  present of Almighty God, do you really know what holding your payment  over and over, paying your earned money without result is because of  (Certificate of Occupancy) look, I want you to do me a favor by keep  this issue secret.

For your sake just to be honest and integrity, I am praying day and  night towards this case, once i sight mine eyes on your contract  compensation award winner, you spend a lots yet no conclusion, I  believed that God use someone to save somebody, as the matter of in  fact with the hope that this transfer have come to the end for you to  receive your payment as I took this bold step, what I mostly needed  from you is honest and integrity also keeping this secret and
confidential.He keeps this up for several more paragiraffes before he gets to what all scammers must eventually come to:  THE SCAM:

made it clear to me that instead of him demanding for fees upon  fees; why don?t we pay the whole needed fee for once and get this fund  transferred or delivered immediately to you If you?re ready to comply  with the US$105,00 Finally,I would love you to open up to me if I
should forward a letter of declaration to you for you to sign on it  stating that you?re no more interested in making this claim so I can  forward to the bank,UN, FBI & INTERPOL. But if you?re still interested  in making the claim, kindly try and send down the needed fee today so
I can make all arrangement with the bank to avoid misunderstanding

Receiver Name: SUNDAY MABIA
Receiver Country: Benin Republic
City: Cotonou
Text Question: A
Text Answer: B
I await your prompt response,
Regards,
Mr. David Bello
E-mail  riatransfer101@gmail.com  

Little did my intended scammer realize that my character would be turning over response responsibilities to a pet rock -- Seymour -- and his "editing gone wild" proclivities:

WELCOME TO WTF MONEY TRANSPORTERS UNLTD

From the DESK OF Mr. David Bello,
E-mail riatransfer101@gmail.com

I want to make you understand something in life that you failed to realize:  if a sheep is a ram and a donkey is an ass, how does that lead to a ram in the ass being a goose?  I want you to have at the back of your mind that all this while you have been dealing Texas Hold 'Em Poker with fake people, claiming to be from the streets of Laredo, as you walked out in Laredo one day.  You know the refrain:  "You spied a young cowboy all dressed in white linen...dressed in white linen as cold as the clay".  "I see by your outfit, that you are a cowboy".  "I see by your outfit you are a cowboy too"...."we see by our outfits, that we are both cowboys...if you get an outfit you can be a cowboy too". 

 I have never slept a day without being worried about that gawddamned song.

 I have been keeping this as a secret, but I want to open up to you at this very moment to confess that when I was 16, I had a piranha genital implanted in my crotch, because I had curiousness about what might happen when this was done.  Now to avoid Judgment day in the present of Almighty God, do you really know what happened?  It ate anything that came in contact with it.  I want you to do me a favor by keep this issue secret, as I'm engaged to a yak named Bertha.

For your sake just to be honest and integrity -- I think Dixie-ans mix that with cheese, butter and hawg jowls to make it edible -- I am praying day and night that the colon spasms that dish caused me will pass.  I never knew I could be that full of fecal material, once i sight mine eyes on the glory of a Sports Illustrated Swimsuit edition.  I believed that God use someone to save somebody and I hope he'll use me to save Kate Upton, but I digress.  Again you are implored at keeping this secret and confidential, or she'll get a retraining order on me.

Right now, this might interest you to know the main reason while I keep my piranha genital exposed below is to keep away crotch crickets.  In spite of what has been writed here, don?t ever you ignore below messages, it is yours times six or so for God to answer your prayer with a swift kick in the pantaloons.  

 

Well, I wouldn?t say I regretted taking such step because I don’t knew how much badly I need a knew smellpecker on the computer this desk is ewesing to decompose this emale.  But my pains and agonies
is much each times I get hit right in the nutzack.  

Well, a times I seat down and land on my nutzack and yowza that hoits.  But sometimes you act funny just because of the bad name and reputation of this country (Benin Republic in African) and talk to yourself in crowded elevators whilst farting Beethoven in e flat to the consternation of the orchestrated elevator music that is ill prepared for what accompanies your e flat in an olfactory manure.  Then there is your past experience with some of your ex dates that wanted Rothchilds 1929 and you gave them $1.99 Boone's Farm Ripple.  You didn't get any, didya?

But when I seat down in my office sometime last week and landed on my nutzack, I was trying not to pass out and vomit, with the hope of not talking like Peewee Herman in perpetuity.  

Considering the state of affairs you've faked with your hand, I will be glad to notify you for the last time what holding your talleywhacker isn't my problem; I just sat on my nutzack again and am cross-eared.

I had my secretary's desk read this email and find that my explanation makes no sense.  Please! & please! Can you help yourself out from this matter so I can get off my nutzack and can forget about the accompanying agonies once and for all?   

I'm going to need $105 USD from you for to reinflate my flattened nutzack.  If you?re ready to comply with the US$105,00, it will be great relief to me and Bertha.  Otherwise, I can forward to the bank,UN, FBI & INTERPOL that you are a sexual pervert stalking manatees in North Dakota.  Send me money to avoid that misunderstanding:

Receiver Name: BLACK SUNDAY MAMBA
Receiver Country: Benin Republic
City: Cotonou
Text Question: WTF
Text Answer: YouTF

I await a respond from you exemplifying promptitude and panache with melted butter 'n syrup.

Regards,
Mr. David Bello
E-mail  riatransfer101@gmail.com

Unlike the totally hilarious James Veitch -- the Brit Spamalot comedian that drives scammers to distraction:

Seymour didn't get a response to his editing effort.

The pet rock would have been THRILLED to have received a free toaster.

"PHFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Or maybe not...