Disorder In Da Email

Curly probably didn't do that in 1936.  But this is 2017.

The US government has apparently joined farces with the African Union to stamp out internet scams.

So says this scam email:

United States Investigations Services (USIS)
7799 Leesburg PikeSuite 1100 North
Falls Church, VA 22043 Compliment of The Day,
                                  READ CAREFULLY
I am Mitch Lawrence the Vice President, Security and Counterintelligence (CI) for United States Investigations Services (USIS) in alliance with Economic Community of West African states (ECOWAS) with the head Office in Nigeria. We the United States government and the United Nation, we have been working towards the eradication of Internet Scam around the globe, western part of Africa to be precise.

However, it has been revealed that there's no fund in your name anywhere in the world, if you have been receiving e-mails from Banks, Compensation Office, Lottery, Inheritance funds e.t.c., you're therefore advise to ignore such e-mails they are impostor/fraudster trying to rip you off your hard earn money and if you're in communication with any person or office claiming that your funds is with them, we also advise you to stop/seize further communication and transaction with such person/office immediately, they are all liars and thieves. Also you're order to forward such emails to this office to help aid the arrest of this fraudsters and impostors.

We have been able to track down so many of this scam artist in various part of west Africa countries which includes (NIGERIA, REPUBLIC OF BENIN, TOGO, GHANA CAMERON AND SENEGAL), they are all in the custody of the United States Secret Agent (USSA) Nigeria, also huge amount of money was recovered from the scam artists. In reference to this, several indoor meeting was held between the United Nation, United States government and the African Union in Abuja the federal capital of Nigeria, agreement was reached that scam victims will be compensated with the money recovered from scam artist that are in custody of the Nigeria Economic and Financial Crimes Commission (EFCC) and the United States Secret Agent (USSA) in Nigeria.

Note this e-mail is been directed to you because during our investigations, your email address was found in one of the scam Artists file and computer hard disk in  our custody. In reference to this regards, you will be compensated with the sum of US$17, .500,000.00 (Seventeen Million five Hundred Thousand Dollars). Meanwhile, the Africa Union has requested for evidence to prove you are a victim of West Africa scam. In plight to this regards the USIS have appointed a United State base Attorney (Barrister Coman Lee) here in the State to advocate on your behalf and provide the requested evidence to process the payment approval for your fund to be release  to you.

IMPORTANT NOTICE: The only fee you're to pay to the Attorney is the processing fee $350 for procurment of legal evidence to prove to the West Africa Union that you are a victim of scam. Also kindly request him to direct you on how to submit the processing fee $350

Kindly verify your details to Barrister Coman Lee to enable him process and secure evidence to aid the release of your payment to you, also make sure your details and residential address are provided correctly to avoid any atom of mistake and delay during processing.

(1) Your Full Name: ...................
(2) Full Residential Address:.......... (P.O.BOX NOT ALLOWED)
(3) Direct Phone Number: ..............
(4) Valid ID Card: ....................

CONTACT PERSON: Barrister Coman Lee
E-MAIL ADDRESS: barristerlee009@gmail.com
TEL: +1 (971) 512-3139

As soon as he received your details, the processing to aid the release of your Compensation Refund will be facilitated immediately and your US$17, .500,000.00 (Seventeen Million five Hundred Thousand Dollars) will be made payable to you in due time within the next 72 hours.
Treat as urgent!

Regards.
Mitch Lawrence
Vice President, Security and Counterintelligence
United States Investigations Services (USIS)
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This email has been checked for viruses by Avast antivirus software.https://www.avast.com/antivirus

Y'know...they almost had me convinced.  Not:

From: Mr. Siwick Jee <oscar@ifenix.com.br>
Sent: Tuesday, May 2, 2017 11:45 PM
To: Recipients
Subject: United States Investigates Vaginal Itch Services (USIVIS) 

United States Investigates Vaginal Itch Services (USIVIS)

7799 Leesburg Pike Where It Leaves The Cut
Suite 1100 North
Falls Church, Goes Boom, VA 22043
Compliment of The Day:  Yo Goat's A Ho

                                  READ CAREFULLY BEFORE TRYING THIS WITH SALLY JO BEHIND THE WOOD PILE

I am Mitch Lawrence the former Vice President, Suckurity and Counterintellect (CI) for United States Investigates Vaginal Itch Services (USIVIS) in alliance with Accumulated Community of West Scamming African Sucky states (ACOWSASS) with our heads up our orifices here in Nigeria. We and them there, we have been working towards the eradication of any impediments to Internet Scam around the globe, and we're eyeing parts of Uranus too, to be precise.

However, it has been revealed that there's no scam in your name anywhere in the world.  WTF is up widdat?  We KNOW that you have been receiving e-mails from Banks, Compensation Office, Lottery, Inheritance funds e.t.c., and it's oblivious to us that you're ignore such e-mails because you think that they are impostor/fraudster trying to rip you off your hard earn money.  *BUZZZZZZER*...not true not true noooooot true!!!  If you are not in communication with any person or office claiming that your funds is with them, we advise you to increase further communication and transaction with such person/office immediately.  You are to stop all manures of helping anyone to arrest of this fraudsters and impostors.

And while you're at it, help us get a better grammar checker.

We have been able to track down so many vaginal itch scam artist in various part of west Africa countries which includes (NIGERIA, REPUBLIC OF BENIN, TOGO, GHANA CAMERON AND SENEGAL), that they are being counterproductive in this the scam they are tasked to operate and you are not helping by not falling into line with their dicktates or twottates -- if that is a word -- so as to requiring us to stake them all out on army ant migration routes for being non productive little shits.  And our army ants are getting too fat as a result.

So fat, in fact, that our army ants were unable to eat the United States Secret Agent man (USSAm) here in Nigeria; they did manage to give him a number and take away his name, but not much else.

Bad fat army ants.  Very bad fat army ants.  Very very bad.

Note this e-mail is been downgraded from c sharp to e flat.  Please take note.  Very discordant of it.  Fat ants can't carry a tune.

 

In reference to this regards, you will be asked to find us a tuba oboe that can play both.  We ain't gots one.  You gots you gots you gots what we need.  Meanwhile, the Africa Union has requested for evidence to prove that beaver kumquats can order nachos at Chilis.  In plight to this regards the USIVIS have appointed a debased Atturkey (Bannister Coman Lee) here to advocate on your behalf for a queefing marching band during halftime at NFL games this fall.  

IMPORTANT NOTICE: The only fee you're to pay achieve all this with our atturkey is the fee $350 for procurment of painful rectal itch waivers to prove to the West Africa Union that hash tags is a thing to be rectumed with in certain parts of Washington DC and on undereducated college crampuses like Berkeley.  Also kindly request him to direct you on how to buy him a Pillsbury Dildoboy genital insert; they're all the rage here in Nigeria.

Kindly verify your sordid details to Bannister Coman Lee to enable him.  He's been disabled in so many ways for so many days.

(1) Your Full Name: ...................
(2) Full Residential Address:.......... (P.O.BOX NOT ALLOWED TO BE LOUD SO IF YOU HAVE LOUD PO BOX TELL IT TO SHUT UP)
(3) Direct Phone Number: ..............
(4) Valid ID Card: ....................

CONTACT PERSON: Bannister Coman Lee
E-MAIL ADDRESS: barristerlee009@gmail.com
TEL: +1 (971) 512-3139

As soon as he received your first born butt polyp, shit will start to happen here resulting in all the losers of The Gong Show that aren't dead showing up at your release from prison to offer you a show on CNN within the next 72 hours.

Treat as urgent because no one else seems to.

Regards.
Mitch Lawrence

Former Vice President, Suckurity and Counterintellect (CI)

United States Investigates Vaginal Itch Services (USIVIS)

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This email has been checked for viruses by ARRRRRRRRRvast antivirus software and found to be full of piratical crotch crickets.  Rub your genitals with sand paper for five minutes vigorously.

My pet rock, Seymour, is a bit disappointed not to get a response on this from the Pillsbury Doughboy...they're friends.

 

"Are NOT!!!  PHFFFFFFFFFFFFFT!!!"