Do These Ones Do Donuts -- Part I

Some of the scammer emails I get are beyond ludicrous and laughable.  Ya simply gotta wonder how any literate soul on the face of this or any other Earth-like orb, could possibly get suckered by crap like this.

Answer:  in some part, thanks to liberal dumbed-down education that has negated critical thinking and common sense wherever possible.

At any rate, I'm taking a two-pronged approach with this one:  I'm responding AND rewriting it.  Before I commence, I wanted you to see it as it came to me.  Even Barney Fife or Sheriff Roscoe P. Coaltrane was a sharper tack in the box than than the smartest of this bunch:

FROM INTERNATIONAL POLICE ASSOCIATION UNITED STATES SECTION ( I.P. A ).

Region No. 2 New York City

P.O. Box 804 Knickerbockers Station

New York City, New -York 10002-0804 U.S.A.

The office of the international police association (I.P.A) hereby write to inform you that we caught a diplomat at  (John F. Kennedy International Airport) here in New -York with parcel box filed with united state dollars. Meanwhile, base on our interview to the diplomat (Mr. Festus Martins) he said that the parcel box belongs to you, that he was sent by REV.Terry Hawkins  of the National Drug Law Enforcement Agency Nigeria to deliver the parcel box to your doorstep, not knowing that the content of the parcel box is money. The diplomat also said that his first transit in the states was at Cincinnati Northern, Kentucky International Airport Ohio.

Now, the diplomat is under detention in the office of (I.P.A) security, and we cannot release him until we carry out our proper investigation on how this huge amount of money managed to be yours before we will release him with the boxes. So, in this regard, you are to re-assure and prove to us that the money you are about to receive is legal by sending us the  Ownership Certificate showing that the money is not illegal. Note that the Noon Residential Certificate/Proof Of Ownership Certificate must to be secured from the office of the Senate president in Nigeria, because that is the only office that will issue you the original Certificate's of these funds. You are advised to forward immediately the Certificate's if you have it with you, but if you do not have it, we will urge you as a matter of urgency to contact back the sender of the diplomat to help you secure those Certificate's if at all you did not have it.

Below is the contact information of the person  that sent the diplomat And Furnish him with your Telephone, Full Names and Residential Address.

Name: REV.Terry Hawkins

Email: terryhwakins@mail.mn 

Furthermore, we are giving you only but 5 working business days to forward the requested Certificate's. Please note that we shall get back to you after the 5 working business days, if you didn’t come up with the certificate we shall confiscate the funds into World Bank account then charge you for money laundry, but if you forward those Certificate's then we will release the diplomat with your parcel box and also gives you every back up till the money arrives your doorstep. Also note that we are doing this to make sure that any huge amount of money like yours that enters United States is genuine, we regret any inconveniences this might have caused you.

Thanks for your understanding.

Yours Truly,

I.P.A REGION NO: 2 THANKS.

DOCTOR DOUGLAS H. KING DDS.

Don't you just love that a police protective association is working with a Nigerian reverend and a dentist?

Oh yeah, I'm convinced of the authenticity here.

*Snort*

As has been my custom with these, I sent an email to the organization made the 'front' for this nonsense, just to let them know about it, in case they weren't.  A few hours later, I received a reply that politely let me know that they were aware, and that I should "delete and ignore it".

Y'all know me better than that.

The 'response' has gone out, as if I -- as Jack Ewehoff -- has taken the bait.  If that doesn't illicit a response, the rewrite is ready as well.

Whichever way it goes will be Part II.

Memorial Day

The reason for Memorial Day remembered.

Goin' On A Sea Screw

My pet rock is lately the more popular among the two of us.  Not really surprising to those who know me.

And of late, Seymour's stock is apparently rising with email scammers, too.

Seymour just received -- are you ready for this -- a job offer.  Here 'tis in its own woids:

SEABORNE YACHT HOTEL (SBYH)
Head Office: Seabourn Yacht Hotel 5 Gains-ford Street, SE1 2NE,
London, United Kingdomhttp://blog.seabourn.com/
http://www.seabourn.com/
                      REF: "SEABORNE YACHT" DIRECT RECRUITMENT OFFER.

Attention :,
Your Resume has been selected for our new Hotel that has just been
completed over here in United Kingdom. The Company selected 78
candidates list in various different department over here in United
Kingdom, It is our pleasure to inform you that your Name was selected
as one of the 78 candidates shortlisted for the interview; The Company
is recruiting candidates for our new Hotel in United Kingdom. You will
be pleased to know that out of the 78 candidates selected 65
candidates will be giving appointment, meaning that your Application
can progress to final stage. You are to send your CV to this office as
soon as possible so that we can start processing your Appointment.
Contact Email: captsmithseabournyacht@gmail.com.

Fill the Form Below:
1. FULL NAMES: _____________
2. ADDRESS: _______________
3. SEX/AGE: _______________
4. MARITAL STATUS: __________
5. OCCUPATION: _____________
6. TELEPHONE NUMBER: _______
7. AMOUNT WON: ______________
8. COUNTRY________________
Best regards,
Captain Smith.

Besides the fact that I never knew that Seymour had posted an online job resume, apparently the same people who are bringing out this 'Land Titanic' offer must have brought others an online lotto previously, if you note #7 and its non sequitur appearance in this presentation.

Eh...details.  Seymour always chides me about seeing the 'negative' in these emails.

Since Seymour is still idling in idyllic Loveland, Colorado, I took it upon myself to respond to "Captain Smith" on Seymour's behalf.

"OMG...this won't be good!!!"

You're probably right, Seymour.  I rewrote Captain Smith's kind offer in a way perhaps befitting of something that has too many parallels to an infamous incident of over 100 years ago.  Of course, I took pains to share the 'edit' with Captain Smith and 24 of his peers and colleagues.  One of whom was not amused. 

First, the edit:

SEACOW YACHT PROJECT (SCYP)
Head Office: SeaCow Yacht Project 5 Gains-ford Street, SE1 2NE,
London, United Kingdomhttp://blog.seacow.com/
http://www.titanticfarts.com/
                      REF: "SEACOW YACHT" DIRECT RECRUITMENT OFFER.

Arrrrrrrrrrrr, Mateys:

Your application has been selected for our new replication yacht-looking-thing that has just been completed over here in United Kingdom, with funding from that incredibly deep pocketed country of Nigeria. The Company selected 700 candidates list in various different locations, from Afghanistan to Zimbabwe.  It is our pleasure to inform you that we sincerely believe you to be gullible enough to believe that your Name was selected as one of the 700 candidates shortlisted for the interview.

 

We plan to have a crew ready to sacrifice to sail on the ebb tide for to replicate one of the following epics in history, and we want your sorry ass aboard when we do:

 

 1.  RMS Titanic

2.  RMS Lusitania

3.  RMS Athenia

4.  Air America

5.  Bill Clinton going down on SS Monica Lewinsky

6.  Solyndra

7.  The SS 2012 Nobama Budget

8.  The SS Facebook IPO Offering

 

The Company eagerly seeks to replicate the sailing of -- and classic results therefrom -- at least one of those aforementioned during the late fall/early winter of 2012, and include an 'party to end all parties' party to celebrate the end of times heralded by the Mayan calendar, on or about December 21, 2012.  We intend to go out with one big motherf**king BANG, and we are offering you the chance to be a part of it.

 

And at one helluva hiring package:

 

All postions will pay $175/hour at sea;

Medical, dental, vision and swimming lessons fully paid for;

120 days paid survivors leave* once the voyage does what most of the above did or are in the process of doing (aka, sinks)

A $100,000 advance on the book we'll help you write about your experiences*

A 401k plan administered by Jerry Brown***

A stylish funeral plot/tombstone**

 

You are to send your application below to this office as soon as possible so that we can start processing your Appointment.
Contact Email: captsmithseabournyacht@gmail.com.

*  assuming you survive...
**  in case you don't...
***  which will be in the crapper ABOUT THE TIME or BEFORE you are...

'Captain Smith' didn't bother to respond to my take on his 'application'.  Arrrrrrrrr.  But an unamused recipient (and previous scammer) -- Davillas Andreas -- couldn't resist making a response:

you realy not so funny as you image you is.  and why you send to me this?  stop.

A question usually begs a reply, and I hate to disappoint:

Actually, with three concussions I image lots of funny things.  And I persist in send you this because you wrote to me first.  No stop.  Snicker laugh titter ROAR.

Needless to say, Seymour didn't get hired.

"PHFFFFFT!!"

A Pet Rock Meets A Photo Shapeshifter -- II

Seymour is really pissed that he missed out on this.

I -- fulfilling the role of Seymour Petrock -- had sent my 'application' to Esther Warlord Ibrahim Coulibaly's bank, and was gratified to receive same-day service from the Bank of Africa branch in Burkina Faso.  Wherein they insisted on receiving from me the following: 

FOREIGN REMITTANCE DEPARTMENT

Unity-Progress-Justice  OUAGADOUGOU  TEL: +226-77111256                
FAX: +226- 50 30 88 14Email : infodesk@boaburkina-faso.net   

                       For Your Kind Attention  Mr. Seymour Petrock

I have been directed by the director of Foreign Operation/Wire Transfer to write you in respect to your mail we received  today. 

Actually,we have earlier been told about you by the young lady Miss Esther Ibrahim Coulibaly that she wishes you to be her trustee/representative for the claim of her late father's deposit with our bank.  Late Dr Warlord Ibrahim Coulibaly is our late customer with substantial amount (US$ 9,700,000.00) of deposit with us.
 
Hence you have been really appointed as a trustee to represent the next of Kin.However before our bank will transact any business concerning the transfer of the fund with you , we will like you to send the followings:
 
1.A power of attorney permitting you to claim and transfer the funds to your bank account on her behalf.This document must be endorsed by a Burkina Faso resident lawyer which she can help you to get one.

2.The original copy of death certificate of late Dr Warlord Ibrahim Coulibaly (Her deceased father)confirming the death.
 
3.The original copy of statement of account issued to Dr Warlord Ibrahim Coulibaly by this bank.

Note that the above are compulsory, and are needed to protect our interest and yours
(the next of kin) after the claims. These shall also ensure that a smooth, quick and successful transfer of the fund is made.

Of course, neither I nor Seymour have any of these documents.  Which I am quick to tell Ms Warlurch in a quick "oh my, how am I to obtain these documents?"

That night, I am gratified to receive two of the three necessary documents from Ms Warthog (one of which is pictured above).  But only two out of three.  And it is therein that we get to the 'rat killing' of the scam, as Ms Warbutt now reveals:

My Beloved Seymour Petrock ,
Much thanks for your mail, I appreciate reading from you from you and I am very happy to read from you today, how I wish I can be able to have the opportunity to have the access to have a computer of my own where you can be maling me any time any day and also I can be able to reply you as well until i come over there,Because I love reading from you,
I appreciated the way you are handling this transfer of my money to your position pending my arrival to meet with you to start a new life. I am suffering here in this prison called refugee camp and i believe with you i can start a new life in your country after the transfer of my money to your account.
Dear, I can see what the bank is demanding before they will transfer my money to your position .Presently i have my Late Father Death Certificate and Statement of account with me here which i have attached to this mail.The only problem we have now is the Power of Attorney which the bank said that it will be issued  by a lawyer here in Burkina Faso  for me to sign my signature on it.
After reading your mail i discussed it with Rev and he gave me the contact of this lawyer Barrister Kemas Alif.He is one of the lawyers working with the united nations here in Burkina Faso,i have contacted him to get us the power of attorney the bank requested, He told me to come over to his office tomorrow with his consultation fee of $220.
therefore I will appreciate if you can assist me with the lawyer's consultation fee of $220 so that i will pay him to enable him proceed and get us the power of attorney from the high court so that the bank will transfer the money to your position.

My reply was probably all that she could hope for: 

$220?  I won't have that until I get paid in two days time.  Will that be okay?  I promise you that as soon as I get off work, I will rush with winged feet to my bank, and onto Western Union for you.  I so love doing things like this. 

My next step was to see what Burkina Faso uses for money, other than wildebeest nose rings.  What they use are West African CFA francs, apparently loosely based on frog money.  And with the exchange rate what it is -- one US dollar is worth 516 WA francs -- I reckoned that my scammers were counting on me to send them the equivalent of 113,520 francs, in USD.

*TOING* 

So I went online and found me a 10,000 franc note of West African design...and just waited for the right time and place to do my thang.

Since Esther and her/his/its handlers required the equivalent of 113,520 West African francs, I went ahead and attached twelve of these to the key mail:

Dear Esther,

Expedience to ease your personal situation required me to look for the most soonest way to send you the $220 for the legal document fee.

So first, I looked to see how much $220 in USD buys in your nation's currency.  And it was quite a bit.

Now, I could have sent you the $220 via Western Union, but that costs money.  And perhaps with all the fraud out there, it might not have gotten to your bannister.  And I simply could not let someone cheat you out of your great opportunity.

So I decided to send you 120,000 West African francs, which is actually MORE than the required $220 USD.  And it's in your nation's currency, for said expedience.

All you need to do is have these attachments printed off on a good quality color printer, and give them to your bannister.  Document paid for, I forward all documents to the bank, your money is transferred, and you get to come here and live in perpetual bliss.

Don't worry that what I'm suggesting here is considered counterfeiting; lots of places in the Third World do it all the time.  No one's arrested North Korea yet.

I am so happy that I have been able to help you at your time in need, Esther.  Is there anything else I can do for you?

After all I did -- under the guise of Seymour, my pet rock -- Esther's expressions of affection and thanks became strained; the bank apparently wasn't as forgiving:

If you really want to help me and not mocking at my situation, Please go and send the money through Western Union so that i will withdraw it and pay the lawyer consultation fee. Please, i believe that you are matured enough to know that there is no way you will print money out from computer and give to someone. The bank will not  even respond to your mail because they will reason that you are joking with them

Please my dear, I am pleading you to help and send the money through western union so that i will pay the lawyer to enable him get us the required power of attorney which will empower the bank to transfer my inheritance money to you.

I love you so much and i want to be with you in order to continue my education there.

My unmockingly mature response was calculated to ease the concerns of both Esther and the bank:

What?  The bank thought I was kidding? 

I want you to know that those were quality West African francs I went to find.  I send you more than enough to get the documents.  I'll even show the bank my good faith by sending them the two documents you gave me, which they will find attached.

I checked on the legality of the bank printing those notes and was advised that printing money is perfectly okay from no less than the head of the USA Federal Reserve, Tim Geithner.  He and Ben Bernanke swear by it. 

And Esther, I also would love to see you get educated here, and that's why I'm taking this time and effort to help you get an education.  I think my time and effort are worth it.

So Bank, it's okay.  Let's get this done.  Esther needs help NOW.  You, Bank, are holding up the completion here.

The bank chose to sit in the corner, pouting, like Cartman from South Park when he's in one of his "screw you guys, I'm going home" modes.  But Esther apparently still had some modicum of hope, possibly hanging off the hair on her upper lip:

Seymour I do not understand you like this.  You say you help me but you instead make jest of me.  Do you intend I get arrested by printing that money illegal?  Please stop this game and tell me you will help.

I guess 'Seymour' needs to clarify a tad more:

Esther Waratrocity, since you already suffer from advanced arrested development, I thought that I should offer you the chance for the rest of you to catch up.  Print and use those notes I sent you and I promise that you will catch up.  See?  I do want to help.  Arrested development is so useless, unproductive and totally unkewl, unless the rest of you gets arrested too. 

So how can you read that and think to yourself, "he jests me"?  I should be hurt by that thought of yours.  And at some point, I will be...I've tentatively pencilled in February 30, 2042, 11am Burkina Faso time, to properly observe a few seconds of remorse.  If you remember, write to me a day before that date, so I can remind myself.  There's a good lass.  Now run along and get your arrested development balanced.  

At first, I thought my reply was a bit too cheeky, and would only result in Esther Warhorse's forever after silence in my pet rock's direction. 

How wrong I wasn't  ;-)

*Note to my pet rock Seymour:  there's a scammer in the Third World who doesn't like you any more*

Pet Rock Meets A Photo Shapeshifter

My pet rock's email account is suddenly WAY more interesting than mine of late.

About 10 days ago, Seymour received an email from a person identifying herself as Ms. Esther Warlord.  Yeah, the name caught my attention as well.

Read her opening gambit, and you'll see why this was simply not the run-of-the-mill scam letter:

Hello Dear
I am Esther, i just read through your profile now and i was deeply moved. I think that you are a very interesting person. So I decided to use the chance to get to know you. I do not think that the age appearance is so important. The most important is what is inside you and how do you feel about the life. I know this life from many sides and we rather feel nature to teases love together with a strong emotional super mutual love. I think we should use every chance to be friends by any means, then contact me to my private email (estherwarlord@ymail.com) for easy communication so that I will send you my pictures and more details about me, I still hope for your reply, have a pleasant warm moment of love with a stone kiss,
Yours new love
Esther.

Since my pet rock is still out of town visiting family (mine, not his), it was left to me to answer for him.  I kept it simple:

Dear Esther Warwagon, you got me at "stone kiss".  Please do send me your photo and tell me more about what it is about my profile that you found so moving.  Fiber usually does it to me.

It took her/him/it a couple days to reply, but when she/he/it did, the reply was as incongruous as the photo she/he/it attached:

My Beloved,
I am very happy to read your urgent reply to my mail. How was your day?mine was cool over here in  Burkina-Faso.
My name is Esther Warlord Coulibaly single from Ivory Coast  in west Africa and presently i am residing in the refugee camp here in BurkinaFaso as a result of the civil war going on in my country.

She/he/it goes on to drivel about the deplorable conditions in the country and refugee camp, how her father was a man of means before he was assassinated, how he left her money in an account that she can't access herself (allegedly $9.7 million USD), about her Reverend in the camp, the only person she trusts, yada yada yada...then we get to this:

I kept this secret to people in the camp here the only person that knows about it is the Reverend because he is like a father to me.So in the light of above i will like you to keep it to  yourself and don't tell it to anyone for i am afraid of loosing my life and the money if people gets to know about it.Remember i am giving you all this information due to the trust i deposed on you.I like honest and understanding people, truthful and a man of vision, truth and hardworking. Meanwhile i will like you to call me like i said i have alot to tell you.
Have a nice day and think about me.
Awaiting to hear from you soonest,attached here is my Photo

Yours in Love
Esther

And the "attached here is my Photo" is the one at the top right.

I guess you can tell it's a 'refugee camp' because the bench is in desperate need of paint, eh?  Though, she does look a bit undernourished, at that.

Anyway, my reply:

My goodness, Esther Wargames, your tale of woe is deeply compelling to me.  As is the photo you've sent me.  I simply CANNOT refuse you, my dear.  What can I do and how best can I do it?  I am completely at your disposal.  And please, send me more photos.

She/he/it apparently read only what they wanted to read, and therein read that I was pliable to her/his/its request.  So came this key reply a day later, with another photo:

God will bless and reward you for every effort you are about to make to see me out from this horrible prison called refugee camp where i am living today as a result of  the untimely death of my parents(may their gentle souls rest in peace)I have just received your email with lot,‏s of excitement ,  because since when I sent the long letter to you my heart has been over occupied with thoughts and fear if my situation will touch your heart to come for my rescue. I am glad now that I saw your email. Firstly I am emailing you from the office of the Rev.pastor Victor (Christ for all Churches), I told the Rev.Pastor Victor about my communication with you and he permitted me t,o access my email in his office, Please you can call me with the office telephone number of the Rev Pastor (+226-751-756-28) and ask of Miss Esther Ibrahim that stays in the female hostel.

Bellow is the contact information of the bank here in Burkina Faso where the money was deposited by my late father,I will like you to contact them for the procedure of the transfer into your account.

NAME OF THE BANK - BANK OF AFRICA

NAME OF THE REMITTANCE OFFICER

MR Bernard DUKE

TELEPHONE NUMBER  +226-771-112-56

FAX  NUMBER         +226-703-192-13

EMAIL : (infodesk@boaburkina-faso.net)           

     

Wow.  She went from Esther Warlord, to Esther Warlord Coulibaly, to Esther Ibrahim.  And she went from a petite white waif, to the photo h'yar.

I gots me a identity-crisised, raciological shapeshifter.

In keeping with Seymour's 'short' replies, I made no obvious note of the differences in names and photos, but just continued to play up her/his/its deplorable conditions:

Dang, Esther Warlock, I am truly honored for that you so wish to give me the business that you do.  Trust me when I say to you that I will not just live up to your anticipations, I will exceed them beyond your ability to grasp.  With that pledge in mind, I have all the necessary information ready for your bank down there, to work with my bank up h'yar.

Her/his/its 'bank' was quick to respond to me with one of those luverly online applications that a monkey could throw together.  And I was just as quick to reply to it, using bank information I had received from another scammer, about a month ago:

ATTN:  MR BERNALD DUKE

FOREIGN REMMITANCE DIRECTOR

BANK OF AFRICA BURKINA FASO

TELEPHONE NUMBER: +226-771-112-56

FAX  NUMBER:+226-703-192-13

EMAIL : (infodesk@boaburkina-faso.net)

SUBJECT: APPLYING AS TRUSTEE TO ESTHER WARLORD IBRAHIM COULIBALY (well whaddaya know, they tied all the names together...how quaint).

I apply to your bank as the trustee to Miss. Esther Warlord Ibrahim who is the next of kin to your deceased customer Mr Warlord Ibrahim Coulibaly, from Ivrory Coast , holder of account number, 0165910885 putting claim over his balance with your bank valued at Nine Million Saven Hundred Thousand Dollars Only ($9.7M). Sir, I wish to be intimated on the procedures involved in having this fund transfer into my account:

1.  Full Name           Seymour Petrock

2.  Sex                      every chance I get

3.  Age.....................................................

4.  Country                 USA

5.  Marital status         single

6.  Occupation            geologist

7.  Bank Name           Bank of America

8. Bank Address         9308 Forest Lane,  Dallas TX 75243

9.  Bank account Number   488030345645

10. Personal mobile number   303-582-5440

Since his sudden death on Thursday 28 April 2011 , I wish an urgent attention should be given to my humble application as the urgency implies on this matter.

And there the matter lay, until Part II.

Torting For Texts

Every new advance in technology, sooner or later, opens opportunity for those wise enough to envision it.

And those slimey enough to seek the lowest money sucking opportunity from it.

There's been plenty in the news about accidents wherein the driver was distracted by texting at the time.  Granted, today's kids are born texting.  They may even be tweeting from the womb.  But for those who argue that they aren't distracted when texting while driving -- like the schmuck who almost head-on'd me on my way home one morning because he was looking down, texting, instead of noticing he was crossing the centerline on the two lane road -- your argument does a face plant at conception. 

Nonetheless, the 'texting genie' is out of the bottle, and not even Larry Hagman can put her back.

Some of you might know what I just did there. 

Anyway, some states have laws against texting while driving.   But now...a person on the other end of the text conversation gets to join the party.  No, not the texting party:  the legal liability party. For all you texters out there, you're now on notice:  you too, may be sued for being "electronically present" and thereby contributory to an accident.

From ABC News and other dubious sources:

A New Jersey judge will rule this month whether a woman who sent a text message to the driver of a pick-up truck is partially liable for his subsequent crash into a couple riding a motorcycle.

The case stems from a 2009 accident when a then 19-year-old Kyle Best got into an accident while texting. Best was driving his pick-up truck and replying to a text he had just received from Shannon Colonna when his vehicle drifted into opposing traffic and slammed into David and Linda Kubert’s motorcycle.

After initially bringing a suit against Best for his role in the accident, the Kuberts’ lawyer, Stephen Weinstein, expanded the  complaint to include Colonna as well.

 Is this crank for real?  Apparently, he thinks he is.  And here's his logic:

“We have come to the conclusion that Colonna knew or should have known that there was the chance that he was driving because she knew his schedule,” Weinstein told The Daily.

Weinstein said evidence suggests the young couple were together for three hours before he left for work as a swimming instructor and he texted her the minute he finished work.

“Within seconds she texted back, he texted her back within seconds and that’s when the accident occurred,” Weinstein said.

“She knew what time he was finishing work. She was not physically present in the car but she was electronically present. To me that’s the pivotal point.”

"Electronically present".  Have a cell phone, iphone or blackberry?  Hell, even a lap or desktop PC with a chat program!  You, too, can become a contributory factor to an accident and thereby liable, by messaging someone who's doing something that you should have known that they were doing, and you distracted them with your "electronic presence"!

I don't expect it'll be long before manufacturers of these 'wonder devices -- Apple, Dell, Gateway, IBM, Hewlett Packard, Samsung, T-Mobile, Verizon, Motorola, et al -- get class actioned.  And a new psychosis -- like "electronicus presenti inhibitus attentionosis" -- becomes the newest fad malady for Dr. Phil (of it) and Co.  And new rehabilitation clinics with twelve step programs, marketed by slick new twists on old themes  ("Just NO Text") will proliferate in the more trendy, liberal bastions. 

While in Hicksville, a redneck therapist's cure will be as simple as "gimme that thang...*BWANG*...y'all's danged fool yankee problum h'yar is rektumfied".

So while we travel down the "what I dun is the fault of someone else h'yar" libtard road, what I anticipate seeing next:  a person buys something that somehow injures a third party.  While the third party sues the buyer, the seller, the manufacturer and Dubya, the person who bought it in the first place's lawyer will sue every one who entered the store between the time that the item was stocked on the shelf, and the time that his/her/its client bought it, because their beforehand *purchasing presence* didn't buy the thing before the lawyer's client did, making them responsible for failure to exercise their beforehand *purchasing presence*.

I know a couple of attorneys who'll laugh (or wince) at this, but would never be a part of it.  Sadly, a number of their 'lower than Washington Post fauxnalism writers/editors/et al' brethren would jump at the chance.

And will.

And you were gonna text what to whom?

Gas: Passed and Past

From an email that's circulating about the 'web, I received the following apparent 'factoid' on human biological functions:

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.


Whoa, dude.  I had absolutely no idea.

All those SBDs in school, church, around the camp fire, along with the not-so-silent-but-just-as-deadlies, wasted and laughed or winced at depending on where they were fired...were that potent collectively?

That means, mathematically and flatulenchantly, that I have created the power of 8 nuclear devices in my lifetime.  And am well on my way to a 9th.

And me, not a nuclear physicist.  Merely a human, with a love of foods that taste great going in, but gaining in increasing lethality, once they begin marinating in and marauding around the lower digestive tract.

I have no intention of moderating my diet, revelation aside. 

But despite my obvious 'power', and Einstein's theory of relative bagels, a far more potent source for clearing glades and emptying elevators once ruled the Earth as 'Master and Flatulator'.

From an FP* story out of the capital of national methane, WASHINGTON, DC —  A new study using stimulus money in return for votes, suggests that dinosaurs were blowing apart forests and pranking each other with their flatulence and burps 200 million years ago.

The research published Monday in the National Flatugraphic suggests that large dinosaurs made a significant contribution to whoopie cushions and sonic 'boom's back then. Study author David 'Razzie' Raspberry of Liverpool Thomas Crapper University in England estimated that about 570 million tons of methane came from dinosaurs.  Just how he came to those measurements is based on his comparative studies to the Democrapic National Committee's main HQ in DC.  He even claims to have measured methane production from Congress to be running at an annual rate of nearly 100 tons a year of methane.

The study looks at the biggest — and presumably gassiest — dinosaurs, called saurophfffts. These were the long-necked plant eaters that munched on the top of trees, so they could ignore the chanting tree huggers chained to the bottom of them. They were large animals that had food fermenting in their guts for long periods of time because of their giant size, said University of Methaneland paleontologist Thomas Holtziznose, who wasn't part of the study, and expressed some degree of satisfaction in not being so.

Raspberry said dinosaur gas was just one factor at a time when the world was quite tropical, and smelled much like the campfire scene in Blazing Saddles.

Raspberry said some in the media and blogosphere have misinterpreted his study to claim that AlGore predicted this situation in his book, An Inconvenient Prank, and dismissed Gore's claims as being on par with his crack-sniffing claim of having "invented the man-bear-pig" featured on South Park.

What caused the ancient pre-human world to be so hot — just the way the dinosaurs made it — was a variety of factors. What dinosaurs ate what plants, in what quantities, and how many dinosaurs went into politics, rather than simply wandering, eating, burping and farting.

NASA climate scientist Gassin Schmidt quickly ran some calculations based on Raspberry's figures. Without dinosaur methane, the Moon would have been 100,000 miles closer to Earth.

It also suggests the study blames dinosaur flatulence for their extinction, Raspberry said. He noted that the saurophffts started showing up — and getting gassy — around 200 million years ago and didn't die off until the creation of elevators, wherein dinosaur farts were catacylsmically lethal.

University of Victoria primate scientist Bobo Weaver said: "Frankly, methane emissions from dinosaur burps is probably not the No. 1 thing we should be concerned about in modern society.  We should be concerned with someone trying to artificially replicate dinosaur farts."
*  Flatulated Press

So there you have it:  you can create enough gas to match the energy of an atomic detonation.  And dinosuars could do it even faster.  So before some scientist decides to try the Jurassic Park DNA experiment, think not about how history might be made; think more about what a dinofart will do in a shopping mall.

Same Scam, New Name -- II

It didn't take the Ashfraud people long to process my online 'application'.  I got this back an hour after it was submitted:

Jack,

Thank you for completing your online profile for The Global Network for Distinguished Professionals listing.  Your profile is currently being processed, please allow 3-5 business days to determine eligibility.  You will be contacted within 3-5 business days by one of our representatives.

I can't wait....*yawn*

Meantime, I reckon I can tell y'all what I submitted:  to Ashfraud Registry I am knowd as Jack N. Meehoff (so when I speak with the sales rep who calls me, I can get 'em to say that a few times), and I am listed as a professional consultant for Denver Fresh Fish Dating (their motto:  "There Are ALWAYS Fresh Fish In The Sea of Love, And We're Your Master Baiter!").  And of course, I had to change my home telephone message to reflect the business.

Perhaps there'll be another story or two out of anyone calling this number besides the scammers over the next few days, but I digress.

Will they be as quick to suspect being 'counterplayed'?

The answer was no...and yes.

I got a long distance phone call from a speech impedimized person who's name sounded like Melody -- a woman from the sound of 'her' -- claiming to represent Ashford, and I responded with my unpatented 'redneck voice' that sounds like a mix of Festus from Gunsmoke and Larry the Cable Guy.  When she tried to verify my "bona fidass", ah gotz indignant an' fahred back with "Y'all jest hol up thar a spell...didcha jest calld me a bony fat ass h'yar?  Jes who do yew thank yew is h'yar?" 

The more she tried in her unprepared way to steer the conversation back toward the Registry, the harder I made it for her to "unnerstand mah axscent" with phrases like "y'all thank ah'm dumber than a buck toothed swamp thang, donche?  Ah'll tall yew wha'...", without ever telling her "wha".. 

Finally exasperated, she hung up on me after calling me "a stupid-sounding idiot who probably didn't have the money or brains to be in the Registry".

She sure nailed me on that 'un, didn't she?

Perhaps the Registry folks will finally put a 'flag' on my phone number...

New Name, Same Scam

In '07, I was 'invited' to join Madison's Who's Who, an alleged publication that listed premier professionals and executives for networking, etc.

And was a bonafide fraud (which I played with rather enjoyably over two posts in the blog's archives).

In '10 or early '11, I had another one contact me.  Same ploy, same game.  Once they get your bank account number or a credit card number, they milk it for all they can, while they can.

They didn't get mine, but one of their unsmooth operators (Margaret Reed, she called 'ersef) got my imitation of Larry the Cable Guy during a phone conversation that "didn't git 'er dun".

And now they're back...as Ashford Registry's Who's Who Of Whatever They Think They Can Sell To Whomever They Think They Can Sell It.

Here's their 'catchy' email:



It is, of course, completely full of crap.  'Cuz it might be free to apply...but it ain't free to get in or get a copy.  It's hundreds of dollars, and access by them to your bank or credit card account information.  And once they have that, they have enough.

And when you try to cancel and/or demand a refund, you'll receive treatment as described by two folks who posted their experiences with the Ashford crowd on Complaint Wire:

Lora

9 Mar 2011

These people are constantly calling and harrasing trying to get my credit card number for their alleged Who's Who listing. I have been contacted by several idividuals who I believe just change their names to try and confuse me to believe they're someone else. Their salesman John Braxton who I also believe to have an alias of John Waters was extremely rude and uncouth. When I spoke with their manager a woman named Sandra Gilmore she used profanity and hung the phone up on me. Please be aware of these dispicable individuals who's main goal was to obtain my credit card number to bleed a sick widow dry of what little finanaces she has left.

CoachBuz

3 May 2011

I believe that Cambridge Who's Who, Ashford Publishing Company, Premier Who's Who and American Registry are all in cahoots, defrauding and scamming left and right! They are all crooks, including Jackie Tufano, of Uniondale, NY! Tommy Huff, of Premier Who's Who got nasty with me on the phone when I refused to allow him to charge $599 to my credit card. It jes could be 'cause I told him to find two corn cobs, write Cambridge Who's Who and Ashford Publishing Company on them, respectively, and sit on them!!
I have reported them to Consumer Affairs.com. Someone needs to do something about these schemers, NOW!

I reckon you get the idea about Ashford Registry.

Well...I did two things with this email.  One, I 'responded' to it as a prospective dupe.  I'll leave out what I responded as for a potential later post ;-)   And the other...I rewrote the email, and dispatched it out to every scammer in my address book.

Here's the short version of my editing (a more out there version is in the works).  And their 'link to' thing was still active in the underlined parts, so I changed it to link back to my blog..nyuk:

Hi.

We're knowd in the industry as Ashcan's WTF Guide to Scammed Of The World! We represent everyone and anyone in the internet world who is not worth a sh**, but wants to be put in our book as someone who's not worth a sh**, and is proud of it!

Want to be a part of something that nobody reads, but costs you a lot to see your name in print in?

Contact us for more details on how you can be added to the list of thousands that Ashcan's WTF Guide To Scammed Of The World can lay claim to having hosed via email!  Contact us now, and in a short time, one of our scantily trained fauxfessionals will contact you with questions and flattery meant to make you think you are somebody, so's we can get you to pay hundreds...ah f**k...THOUSANDS of dollars...to be in our book that absolutely NOBODY READS!!!

You KNOW you wants to.  You KNOWS you gots to.  We ain't gonna ax you twice, homey.  We'll ax ya ovah and ovah and ovah agin! C'mawn, git 'er dun 2day!  Now!  Right now!  Our scantily-paid operators are standing by to line up your wallet in our crosshairs.  Oh f**k, I weren't not 'sposed ta say that thar, wuzn't I?  Disf**kingregard that last sentence now, y'hear?  Yeah, da wun I just dun in red, so's y'all knows nots ta ax about that!

Okay, let's git 'er dum!  Contact us so's we can contact you, and get this rip-off...aw f**k, dun it agin...wunst agin, ignore that sh** what's writ in red...

Just git aholdt a us soonest, so's we kin git ta work on yer wallet.  F**K!!!  IGNORE THAT!!!  F**k, ah's iz in so much troublez!

Developing h'yar...

Get A Grip On Higher Ed



Almost 600 years of higher Ed later, they need this?

 Many moons ago -- the celestial kind -- I attended college.  Not a major one, nationally known as a leader of higher ed:  just a simple, practical, affordable community college.

The degree I got from there, and 50 cents, won't get me a decent cup of coffee today.  But it does allow me to lay claim to being college educated and degreed.

Granted, I did this in the latter half of the 1970s, in seemingly another era.  Another generation.  Another thought process.  For better or worse, I did this before the seed of corrosive "political correctness" had taken root on many a college campus.

Now, before and in my academic days, there were regulatory signs in and around the college.  Restricted parking.  Restricted activities.  When facilities were and weren't available for private and public functions. 

Even so...I never saw a sign quite like this one (above right), posted at my college campus.

My first thought was that the university is right next to St. Andrews Golf Course, and new students were simply confusing the two types of 'stroke control'.

My second thought was that dumbed down education leads to the probable need for this kind of sign.

My third thought was that the University of St. Andrews must be an all lads' institution, and at that age, gender segregation does have its downsides.

My fourth thought was that in an academic setting, 'matriculation' sounds close enough for some to mix the two up cruciverbally.  'Matriculate'...'masturbate'...you gotta admit, there's a bit of phonetic sympatico here.

My fifth thought was that places of 'higher learning' haven't advanced much, if they need a sign like that.

My sixth thought -- an offshoot of my second one -- holds that if the university feels it necessary to post such a sign, they're being overly optimistic that intending offenders will pay heed to the sign.  If said intending offenders are even capable of reading it.

My seventh thought was that perhaps the University of St. Andrews was simply addressing the presence of Occupy Nothing Useful riffraff, and at least hoping that they could read it.

At any rate, finding this sign online makes me glad that I am not paying five figures a year for a prodigy of mine to attend an institution with a national, if not world renown, only to find signs like this needing posting therein.

Especially since everyone knows that students don't need a private place for that; a lot of their liberal college professors are academically jerking them off right in the classroom.   *rimshot*

Of Revelations And Gods

Somehow, this 'card' just seemed appropriate for this post.  Especially in the eyes of the scammer.

I received the following email from a scammer the other day, one that was supposed to tug on my heart strings and open my gullible benevolence.  It was a request from an Emily Brocksopp, asking for my help in starting an orphanage in her name her.  It rambled on for several paragraphs, but this is the gist of it:

Note: This project is 100% genuine and risk free. You should also know that your help would be further needed to help the less privilege and orphans. In setting up an Orphanage Home in favor of my name there in your country, my attorney will guide you through the process. Your suggestions are very much welcomed in this project and I am very impressed by the manner with which you have written to me.

The "manner" I rewrote her original email -- and sent her a copy of, of course -- went something like this, to give you an idea of the degree of full of sh** the scammer is:

From: Mrs. Emily L. Brocksoop <ebrocksopp@gmail.com>
To:
Sent: Wednesday, April 4, 2012 6:10 AM
Subject: Help For The Less Privilege

Dear Friend,

Please pay no attention to the email title here.  Because I don't give a rat f**k about the less privileged in this world.  F**k them.  If they're too f**king lazy to get off their fat asses and get jobs, then they deserve to be less privileged and live in their own self-imposed misery.

 

I am so f**king SICK of needy people who stick out their f**king hands for "gimme" giveaways, instead of sticking out their f**king hands to do something that provides a steady, stable, LEGAL income, and gives them a sense of purpose and self-respect.

 

So you can see how well she/he/it paid attention to the rewrite.  Which gets me the first part of this post. 

 

So I decided to let her know what was coming next.  Oh yes, I did that:

 

Dear Muttonhaid,

 

Thank you for replying to my reply.  Or rather, thank you for not reading my reply to your original email.

 

Had you bothered to carefully read my response to your original email, you would have seen that (a) I rewrote your original email (b) I sent it not only to you, but to about 20+ of your colleagues and peers and (c) I made you look like a complete f**king moronic mugu.

 

That you didn't grasp that -- by your sending me this follow up -- amuses me to no end.

 

Very well.  I will not waste the opportunity you've afforded me here.  I will tell you now that I am going to rewrite what you just sent me.  And make it sound as stupid and demeaning to you as is humanly possible.  And send it out not only to you and dozens of your peers and colleagues, but post in on a blog that highlights scam emails like yours, and what I like to do to those emails.  The internet world will know just how stupid you are, and how much moreso I'm going to make you look.

 

Trust me, it'll be fun.

 

Enjoy!

 

Which I proceeded to do, with (dis)gusto, as a few paragraph example will pretty much reveal:

 

My Goodness,

Thanks for your massage.  i wisht i had intelijant enuff to reads it, but i is dumber than a termite-infested tree stump, and i needs a edjewkatid persum frum webcite Stoopud Peeple Who Sodomeyes Goats.com 2 transloot it 4 me 2 reeds.

 

I telld you I am going to take a life meerkat and place it in my twat to see if i can has organism.  It gived me hickees in there, butt know organism.  Pissphuck.  i wuz shure it werk, cuz onlime witch docter in Nigerium  sez "omm lacka banga walla bunga wunga boooya", witch iz like a promice of sucksess wen u stik a mirrerkat in genial hole.

 

Momphuckah lied, i tink.

 

U lick how i writ, yes?  i leernd gud frum old man who wuz a women untiled she piss awf which dockdor an' he sez "mooga booga nobama phulla crap, binga banga walla walla dunga, u now gotz dick", an now she/he a tribble outcast who make living duing pervort things to animul butts.  i tink she/he du me wunce 2 butt i doesnt knot remembur.

 

i kneed u to help me ondo this wat whichdocktor do me, as I have encrusted in my virginul aruh an i knead u help in this 2 fix, yes?

 

Wun ting, u mousd keep ur nowladge and invalvmint in projuct to yuself only till all needful pocedours is meat by u. 2 beegam this, cent me yur Fool names, a Fool dress, date of bornd, Telldfon, Fux numbor, Occutardashun and any farm of IUD.

 

As is normal, I sent that back to 'Emily', along with a couple dozen of her peers.  This time, someone on Emily's end bothered to, at least, try to read what I dun:

 

what is mean of this please?  I am write u with serious offer and u are make jest of me?  Are u not a nice mans i think and god not look on peoples like u very good.

 

'Emily' probably has a point:  she tried to use an orphanage as the heart string tugger for her scam, and "god not look on peoples like me very good", because I didn't fall for it, and had "jest" with her.

 

Well, long as my ticket to Hell is punched, according to 'Emily', let's see about upgrading my seat on the train:

 

You know, 'Emily' -- or whomever you are -- you have a point.  Your 'god' probably doesn't look too good on peoples who make jest of those who try to scam by using fronts like an orphanage.  I can live with that.

 

My God, on the other hand, can kick your god's sorry, pathetic, piece of crap's ass.

 

And with that, 'Emily' -- or her handlers -- apparently wanted no more repartee comparing gods.