Hotel Canadaforlornia

Who knows...it might even look like this.

Got another of those online employment offers, this time from an alleged luxury hotel in Canada.

Probably equipped with hot and cold running moose.  Squirrel extra (see surcharges).

Here's the ploy:


  STRATFORD HOTEL CANADA
                                                      107 Erie Street, Stratford, Ontario
                                                                N5A 2M5 Canada
                                                Tele- +1416-628-2951 -Fax +1416-628-2951.
                                              Email: humanresources@stratfordhotel-ca.com


ARE YOU LOOKING FOR A CAREER WHERE YOUR OPINIONS AND IDEAS MATTER? WE ARE LOOKING FOR BRIGHT GRADUATES/POST GRADUATES BETWEEN AGES 22 AND ABOVE Y WITH EXCELLENT COMMUNICATION AND MANAGERIAL SKILLS AND AN APTITUDE FOR CUSTOMER SERVICES.

CANDIDATES WOULD BE REQUIRED TO POSSES  GOOD INTER-PERSONAL SKILLS AND A PASSION TO KEEP LEARNING WHILE DELIVERING EFECTIVE SERVICES TO OUR MUMEROUS CUSTOMERS,YOU WILL BE WORKING PRIMARILY IN ROTATING DAY SHIFTS,WITH OCCASIONAL NIGHT SHIFTS.

VACANCIES ARE AVAILABLE IN THE FOLLOWING DEPUTATIONS:

1.    MANAGERS/ASSISTANT MANAGERS
2.    COMPUTER OPERATORS/SOFTWARE ENGINEERS
3.    ACCOUNTANTS
4.    SECURITY
5.    LINGUISTS
6.    CASHIERS
7.    ESCORTS
8.    CHEFS
9.    SUPERVISOR TRAINERS
10.  WAITERS
11.  CLEANERS

ENTITLEMENTS, BENEFITS & PACKAGES:
A VERY ATTRACTIVE NET SALARY PAID IN USD [UNITED STATE DOLLARS].
QUALITY SINGLE OR FAMILY HOUSING ACCOMODATIONS IN HOTEL VICINITY.
FREE MEDICAL CARE FOR EMPLOYEE AND FAMILY HERE IN CANADA.
EXCELLENT EDUCATIONAL ASSISTANCE BENEFITS WITH FAMILY STAUS EMPLOYMENT.
PAID AIRFARES ALLOWING FULL FLEXIBILITY WITH HOLIDAYS.   
PERSONAL EFFECTS SHIPMENTS AND EXCESS BAGGAGE ALLOWANCES
FULL ACCESS TO SOME OF THE BEST RECREATIONAL FACILITIES IN CANADA
LIFE INSURANCES.
OFFICIAL VEHILCLES /MAXIMUM SECURITY IN WORK ENVIRONS AND HOUSING COMMUNITY.

JOB STATUS:
FULL TIME AND CONTRACT [PLEASE INDICATE WHEN APPLYING].


SALARY INDICATION:

3,919.34 USD TO 7,055.29 USD MONTHLY DEPENDING UPON EXPERIENCE,FIELD OF SPECIALIZATION.INTERESTED CANDIDATES SHOULD PLEASE SEND THEIR RESUMES BY EMAIL  AND ADDRESSED TO, THE  CLERK INTERCONTINENTAL HOTEL CANADA. PLEASE SEND YOUR RESUMSE TO (Email: humanresources@intercontinentalhoteling.com)

REGARDS
HUMAN RESOURCES MANAGER,
INTERCONTINENTAL HOTEL CANADA.  


That's what it looked like when it arrived h'yah; here's what it looked like when it was replied to th'yah:


STREP THROAT HOTEL CANADA
                                                      107 Eriee Street, Strep Throat, Offtario
                                                                N5A 2M5 Canada
                                                Tele- +1416-628-2951 -Fax +1416-628-2951.
                                              Email: humanresources@stratfordhotel-ca.com


ARE YOU LOOKING FOR A CAR WITH EARS?  ARE YOU LOOKING FOR A SPOUSE WHERE YOUR OPINIONS AND IDEAS MATTER? BWHAHAHAHAHAHA!

WE ARE LOOKING FOR (not so) BRIGHT GRADUATES/POST GRADUATES BETWEEN THE IQs of 22 AND 25 WITH DUBIOUS COMMUNICATION SKILLS, THE MANAGEMENT STYLE OF ADOLPH HITLER AND AN APTITUDE FOR FOULING WHATEVER THEY TOUCH WHEN IT COMES TO CUSTOMER SERVICES.

CANDIDATES WOULD BE REQUIRED TO POSSESS A GOAT FOR FIVE MINUTES AND MAKE ITS HEAD SPIN 360 DEGREES AT LEAST TWICE.  YOU WILL BE WORKING PRIMARILY 24/7 AT SLAVE WAGES THOUGH WITH ACCESS TO ONE OF THE FEW FLUSHING TOILETS IN THIS PART OF OFFTARIO...IF AND WHEN WE GET IT UNPLUGGED.  MEANTIME, WE HAVE BOUNTIFUL TREES FOR YOU TO GO BEHIND.  CONSIDER THE RUN BACK BEING CHASED BY A PISSED MOOSE/BEAR AS PART OF OUR EMPLOYEE EXERCISE INCENTIVE (YOU RUN FAST, YOU DON'T GET ET).  

VACANCIES ARE AVAILABLE IN THE FOLLOWING DEPUTATIONS:

1.    DEPUTATION 1
2.    DEPUTATION 2 (MUST HAVE EXPERIENCE IN DEPUTATION 1)
3.    DEPUTATION 3 (MUST HAVE EXPERIENCE IN DEPUTATION 1 AND 2)
4.    SECURITY (MUST BE DEPUTATION)
5.    LINGUISTS (EXPERIENCE WITH SPAGETTI AND RIGATONI MIGHT HELP)
6.    CASHIERS (MUST HAVE BEEN ARRESTED BY OUR DEPUTATIONS AT LEAST ONCE)
7.    ESCORTS (ONLY BABES APPLY; WHO WANTS TO BE ESCORTED BY HILLARY CLINTON...EWWWW)
8.    CHEFS (SWEDISH CHEFS THAT "IN DEE FURR DE CHEEKIN" MUST TAKE REMEDIAL AZERBAJANI 101)
9.    SUPERVISOR TRAINERS (MUST HAVE SUPERVISED TRAINS FOR AT LEAST 3 YEARS)
10.  WAITERS (ALL OF OUR PEOPLE ARE PROCRASTINATORS)
11.  CLEANERS (WE ALREADY HAVE ALL THE DIRTIERS WE CAN MANAGE)

ENTITLEMENTS, BENEFITS & PACKAGES:
A VERY ATTRACTIVE NET YOU CAN USE TO CATCH FISH (YOU DIDN'T THINK THAT WE WERE GOING TO FEED YOU, AY).
QUALITY SINGLE OR FAMILY HOUSING ACCOMODATIONS IN AN APPLIANCE BOX WE SAVED FOR THIS PURPOSE.
FREE MEDICAL CARE FOR EMPLOYEE AND FAMILY AT A CLINIC IN UPSTATE USA (IT AIN'T REALLY FREE WHEN YOU GET A LOAD OF THE DEDUCTIBLES OBOLA RATCHETED THINGS UP TO DOWN THERE...WHAT A PUTZ).
EXCELLENT EDUCATIONAL ASSISTANCE BENEFITS WITH THINGS LIKE RIOT SHOPPING, WELFARE 101, COMMIE CORE MATH MADE OBFUSCATORY AND INTRODUCTORY WHAT WERE AMERICANS THINKING IN 2008/2012 101.
PAID AIRFARES ON TRAINED PTERYDUCKTYLS OF JURASSIC AIR SERVICES.   
PERSONAL EFFECTS SHIPMENTS TO YOUR NEXT OF KIN
FULL ACCESS TO WHAT'S LEFT OF SOME OF THE BEST RECREATIONAL FACILITIES IN SYRIA
LIFE EXPECTANCIES HALVED (SOMEONE'S GOT TO FEED THE BEARS).
OFFICIAL VEHILCLES (A LATE MODEL DOMESTICATED MOOSE WITH A SADDLE)

/MAXIMUM SECURITY PRISON FACILITIES (YOU'LL SEE WHY)

JOB STATUS:
FULL TIME, CONTRACT AND WTF [PLEASE INDICATE WTF YOUR CHOICE IS]

CELERY OPTIONS:

WE ONLY GOT ONE KIND AY?  INTERESTED CANDIDATES (are morons) AND SHOULD PLEASE SEND THEIR RESUMES BY EMAIL  AND ADDRESSED TO, THE  CLERK INTERCONTINENTAL BALLISTIC HOSTEL CANADA. PLEASE SEND YOUR RESUMSE TO (Email: humanresources@intercontinentalhoteling.com)

REGARDS
HUMAN RACEHORSES MISMANAGER,
INTERCONTINENTAL BALLISTIC HOSTEL CANADA.  

Think that I'll get a job offer?  I'll even throw in Seymour as a door stop.

"PHFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT!"

Even in West Virginia, he heard me.

 

Goin' On A Sea Screw

My pet rock is lately the more popular among the two of us.  Not really surprising to those who know me.

And of late, Seymour's stock is apparently rising with email scammers, too.

Seymour just received -- are you ready for this -- a job offer.  Here 'tis in its own woids:

SEABORNE YACHT HOTEL (SBYH)
Head Office: Seabourn Yacht Hotel 5 Gains-ford Street, SE1 2NE,
London, United Kingdomhttp://blog.seabourn.com/
http://www.seabourn.com/
                      REF: "SEABORNE YACHT" DIRECT RECRUITMENT OFFER.

Attention :,
Your Resume has been selected for our new Hotel that has just been
completed over here in United Kingdom. The Company selected 78
candidates list in various different department over here in United
Kingdom, It is our pleasure to inform you that your Name was selected
as one of the 78 candidates shortlisted for the interview; The Company
is recruiting candidates for our new Hotel in United Kingdom. You will
be pleased to know that out of the 78 candidates selected 65
candidates will be giving appointment, meaning that your Application
can progress to final stage. You are to send your CV to this office as
soon as possible so that we can start processing your Appointment.
Contact Email: captsmithseabournyacht@gmail.com.

Fill the Form Below:
1. FULL NAMES: _____________
2. ADDRESS: _______________
3. SEX/AGE: _______________
4. MARITAL STATUS: __________
5. OCCUPATION: _____________
6. TELEPHONE NUMBER: _______
7. AMOUNT WON: ______________
8. COUNTRY________________
Best regards,
Captain Smith.

Besides the fact that I never knew that Seymour had posted an online job resume, apparently the same people who are bringing out this 'Land Titanic' offer must have brought others an online lotto previously, if you note #7 and its non sequitur appearance in this presentation.

Eh...details.  Seymour always chides me about seeing the 'negative' in these emails.

Since Seymour is still idling in idyllic Loveland, Colorado, I took it upon myself to respond to "Captain Smith" on Seymour's behalf.

"OMG...this won't be good!!!"

You're probably right, Seymour.  I rewrote Captain Smith's kind offer in a way perhaps befitting of something that has too many parallels to an infamous incident of over 100 years ago.  Of course, I took pains to share the 'edit' with Captain Smith and 24 of his peers and colleagues.  One of whom was not amused. 

First, the edit:

SEACOW YACHT PROJECT (SCYP)
Head Office: SeaCow Yacht Project 5 Gains-ford Street, SE1 2NE,
London, United Kingdomhttp://blog.seacow.com/
http://www.titanticfarts.com/
                      REF: "SEACOW YACHT" DIRECT RECRUITMENT OFFER.

Arrrrrrrrrrrr, Mateys:

Your application has been selected for our new replication yacht-looking-thing that has just been completed over here in United Kingdom, with funding from that incredibly deep pocketed country of Nigeria. The Company selected 700 candidates list in various different locations, from Afghanistan to Zimbabwe.  It is our pleasure to inform you that we sincerely believe you to be gullible enough to believe that your Name was selected as one of the 700 candidates shortlisted for the interview.

 

We plan to have a crew ready to sacrifice to sail on the ebb tide for to replicate one of the following epics in history, and we want your sorry ass aboard when we do:

 

 1.  RMS Titanic

2.  RMS Lusitania

3.  RMS Athenia

4.  Air America

5.  Bill Clinton going down on SS Monica Lewinsky

6.  Solyndra

7.  The SS 2012 Nobama Budget

8.  The SS Facebook IPO Offering

 

The Company eagerly seeks to replicate the sailing of -- and classic results therefrom -- at least one of those aforementioned during the late fall/early winter of 2012, and include an 'party to end all parties' party to celebrate the end of times heralded by the Mayan calendar, on or about December 21, 2012.  We intend to go out with one big motherf**king BANG, and we are offering you the chance to be a part of it.

 

And at one helluva hiring package:

 

All postions will pay $175/hour at sea;

Medical, dental, vision and swimming lessons fully paid for;

120 days paid survivors leave* once the voyage does what most of the above did or are in the process of doing (aka, sinks)

A $100,000 advance on the book we'll help you write about your experiences*

A 401k plan administered by Jerry Brown***

A stylish funeral plot/tombstone**

 

You are to send your application below to this office as soon as possible so that we can start processing your Appointment.
Contact Email: captsmithseabournyacht@gmail.com.

*  assuming you survive...
**  in case you don't...
***  which will be in the crapper ABOUT THE TIME or BEFORE you are...

'Captain Smith' didn't bother to respond to my take on his 'application'.  Arrrrrrrrr.  But an unamused recipient (and previous scammer) -- Davillas Andreas -- couldn't resist making a response:

you realy not so funny as you image you is.  and why you send to me this?  stop.

A question usually begs a reply, and I hate to disappoint:

Actually, with three concussions I image lots of funny things.  And I persist in send you this because you wrote to me first.  No stop.  Snicker laugh titter ROAR.

Needless to say, Seymour didn't get hired.

"PHFFFFFT!!"