Friday, November 28, 2014

That One Left A Mark

After the episode "Cantalog", it began.






Cyber attacks on the blog.






My anti virus program has identified (and blunted) attacks from sites in Russia, China, Jacksonville FL and The Netherlands.  Nothing shows your effectiveness like having the lowlifes come at ya.






Of course they'll only attack online. 






Meantime, the blog goes on...it and a companion blog, What A Scam Looks Like (44 posts scheduled to run starting last week and running so far into mid February '15).






Scammers, I've been baiting and abusing your sorry asses for 15 years.  Let's go for 16, shall we?

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Tuesday, November 25, 2014

HSBC Gots Free Gifts...

Sure they do.


I got this eloquently crafted email notification from HSBC Bank in the UK:




HSBC Holdings plc is a global banking and financial services company  Headquartered in Canary Wharf,London, United Kingdom.[3] As of 2014[update]  It is the world's second-largest banking and financial services group  It has around 7,500 offices in 87 countries and territories Across Africa,
Asia, Europe North America and South America and around 100 million customers.
Congratulation to you today the HSBC bank are celebrating a very big party of  our new organization in {UK} London.
We have sent up 85 different Email ID for this draw and your private email ID was  choose in our micro software engine to receive total sum of 300.000.00 pound.   Please note that this is not a lottery,this is not lottery,this is gift offer amount.
Note that from today you have been selected by the {HSBC BANK} to receive the  amount of (300.000.00 Pound, Three Hundred Thousand Great British Pound Sterling)  You are to take note of your HSBC Reference Ticket Number (90HS62BC) please you are  advised to keep your HSBC reference Ticket number very confidential to your self because is  the key of your amount of 300.000.00 Pound.
Note this gift offer amount is 100% genuine and it has non harm, it has been approved here in london to be legal.
It is 100% guarantee. please do not delete this message, it's sure and confirmed with 100% guarantee. This message  is direct from the HSBC gift offer department, we are sending you this email because you are the truly beneficiary  to receive this gift offer amount of 300,000.00 Pound. Please as soon you receive this message we strongly advised  you from the bottom of our heart on the behalf of the HSBC world bank International to accept this gift offer amount.
Do not delete, we expected you to receive your gift offer amount as fast as possible without any delay.
Please make sure you keep your HSBC Ticket No very very confidentially for your security and safety,do not give to any  third party, keep it because it is useful.HSBC Ticket Number (90HS62BC) You are advise to  send  your full details to the Chief Executive CEO Brian Robertson HSBC Bank Lonon Plc This is to enable the HSBC bank reach you  all © copyright reserve 2014.


 FULL NAME:                
COUNTRY AND ADDRESS:
CONTACT NO:
YOUR RELIGION:
OCCUPATION:
YOUR AGE:
PLEASE MAKE SURE YOU CONTACT THIS EMAIL:
hsbuk@outlook.com
PLEASE MAKE SURE YOU COPY THIS EMAIL AND SEND MESSAGE DIRECT TO THIS :  hsbuk@outlook.com  




Very convincing.


I suspect my edit won't be quite so much so:




Attention
HSBC I'll Tell You What To Hold plc is a global banking and financial services scam of dubious antecedence and genital tongue warts.   They is hindquartered in the ass of a wharfing Canary, London, United Kingdom. [3] As of 2014 [when we up the date, you should up yours too]  It is the world's second-largest banking and financial services scam of dubious antecedence and genital tongue warts known.   It has around 7,500 fly infested internet cafes in 87 jungle clearings around Lagos, Nigeria and around 100 million customers
that it's trying really REALLY hard to fleece.

 Congratulation to you today the HSBC bank collection of dubious antecedents with genital tongue warts are or is celebrating a very big party of  our new organizational scam purportedly being carried out from the ass of a wharfing canary in the {UK} London.  We suppose that there are other Londons here and there, so we had to make sure that we specified the {UK} one so as to not get cornfused with a London in Benin or such.  Being from Nigeria, we know how much it sucks in Benin.

 We have sent up 85 different Email ID for this draw and your primate's email ID was  choose in our micro software engine to receive total sum of 300.000.00 pound of banana.  We congratulate you on having a primate what have a email ID that the primate ain't trashed yet.  We seed the Samsonite commercial and what that primate did to the suitcase.  The unspeakable parts wasn't included we noticed.

Please note that this is not a lottery, this is not lottery, this is not a lottery.  We work in triplicate farms too.  No, this is gift offer amount of 300.000.00 pound of banana.  Daylight come and we want go home.  Come Mr. Tallywhack, whack on our ba-na-na...daylight come and we want go home.

 Note that from today you have been selected by the {HSBC BANK SCAM} to receive the  amount of (300.000.00 Pound Banana Great British Pound Banana).

 You are to take note of your HSBC Reference Ticket Number (90HS62BC) what means jack shit but jack had to do that at least once a day or he blow up and he not even terrorist.  please you are  advised to keep your HSBC reference Ticket number very confidential to your self because if the wharfing canary find out about it, it will take your ticket and shove it up its ass, 'cuz it knows that you won't reach up in there to retrieve it.

Wharfing canary not see what happen in lots of American homes on Thanksgiving morning, me thinks.

Note this gift offer amount is 100% lacking in authenticity and genuineness.  it has non harm, unless 300.000.00 pound banana fall on you.  That make it harm some.  it has been approved here in london to be legal by our board of directums of dubious antecedence and genital tongue warts.  What better assurance you needs than that?

 It is 100% guarantee of dubious outcome.  please do not delete this message, it take us long time to train our primate with our email ID to type this shit. it's sure and confirmed with 100% guarantee of dubious outcome. This message  is direct from the HSBC gift offer department, located in the basement underneath the ass of our wharfing canary. 

We are sending you this email because you are the truly expected to be stupid enough to have a primate with a email ID.  Or we're stupid enough to think you do.

to receive this gift offer amount of 300,000.00 Pound of banana before daylight come and you want go home, Please as soon you receive this message we strongly advised  you from the bottom of our anus on the behalf of the HSBC world bank Scam International to accept this gift offer in the spirit it was sended to you by our dubious antecedent genital tongue warted staff.

 Do not delete, it would hurt our feeling and Debbie Wasserman Schultz -- one of our dubious antecedent genital tongue warted staff -- will call you a racist.  she doesn't know what it means, but we are amused when she opens her mouth.

we expected you to receive your gift offer of banana as fast as possible without any delay.

 Please make sure you keep your HSBC Ticket No very very confidentially away from the ass of our wharfing canary for your security and safety.  We not tell you that our wharfing canary is the size of a pterydactyl. 

You are advise to  send  your full details to the Chief Executive CEO Brian Genital Tongue Wart Robertson HSBC Bank Lonon Plc This is to enable the HSBC bank scam reach you
all © copiedwrawng reserve 2014.

 FULL NAME (We prefer you use yours):                
COUNTRY AND ADDRESS:
CONTACT NO:
YOUR LAST SEXUAL ENCOUNTER WITH AN ORTHRAPOD:
RELIGION OF THE ORTHRAPOD:
OCCUPATION OF THE ORTHRAPOD:
YOUR AGE:
PLEASE MAKE SURE YOU CONTACT THIS EMAIL:
hsbuk@outlook.com
PLEASE MAKE SURE YOU COPY THIS EMAIL AND SEND MESSAGE DIRECT TO THIS :  hsbuk@outlook.com  


I don't know about the 45+ scammers I sent this to, but I do know that the scam originator is not talking to me right now.  He's probably miffed that I outed his having genital tongue warts.

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Saturday, November 22, 2014

Democrats Lost The Edit, Too

Some emails are easier to edit than others.  In the wake of the 2014 mid term shellacking the dumbasscraps received, editing's even more fun.


Take this scam for example:










Hello Dear,

I am Mr. Natan Pang a banker, I have emailed you earlier on without any response from you. In my first email I mentioned about our deceased customer a citizen of your country whose relatives my Bank cannot locate to claim his estate.

I got your address from online directory service and decided to write you. I am asking for your consent so that I can present you to my Bank Management as the next of kin to the late customer account proceeds value ($4,000,000)(Four Million United State Dollars) to be transferred into your account for our mutual benefit.

At the successful transfer of this fund, we shall share the fund on a pro rata based percentage [50% - 50%]. I am compelled to do this because I do not want my Bank to take over the ownership of this fund.

If you are interested and in agreement with me, get back to me quickly and I will send to you all the information you may need to proceed without coming to the Bank, and be rest assured that it is risk free project.

I look forward to your reply.

Yours faithfully,
Mr. Natan Pang
natan_pang@yahoo.co.uk  












Simple, straight forward.  Very unlike the dumbasscraps, as Jonathan Gruber makes clear.  So let's use a selection of them to punch up this edit:












I am Mr. Natan Pang.  I spent a week and 275,000 West African francs thinking up that name.  Don't knock it.

By trade, I'm a collector of grants to research anything that I possibly can.  Last week, I was looking into how methane from Harry Reid could power a Prius for 50,000 miles on one speech.  Right now, I'm researching how Nancy Pelosi's adams apple turns into a cow pie whenever she lies, which is pretty much all the time.  I am seeking a $250k grant from the same architects that brought you an ivy league nincompoop, Jonathan Gruber, and the ObolaCare Compost Hussle.  They bought his lying chicanery, I reckon they'll buy mine.

But when I am expected to be more representative of Debbie Wasserman Schultz's douche sponge, I'm an online banker. 

I have emailed you earlier on without any response from you. This is rude.  At the very least, you could send me a polite f**k off and die response.

Be that as it may...In my first email I mentioned about our diseased customer, Sandra Fluke, who wants her birth control paid for.  Heck, I thought seeing her in or out of bar lighting would save her the need and money for birth control.  Ewww.

Keith Olbermann saw her, and that's why he had a sex change and became Sheila Jackson Lee's genital wart.  

I got your address from Hillary Clinton's Rose Law Firm billing records.  It's where she hides everything from when she was fired from the Watergate investigation to when she was in Bosnia under sniper fire, and right up to how it was really Bill who gave birth to Chelsea and the sexually unspeakable things she was doing with Obola's putter during Benghazi.  

Democraps...they're a weird bunch.  No wonder they lost the 2014 mid terms.

The real reason I am writing to you is because I have no idea, so I'm making this sh** up as Ogun pokes me with a charged cattle prod...I am asking for your consent to shove Ogun's cattle prod up Eric Holder's ass...Valerie Jarrett.  Small wonder Holder's so jacked up.

I would like to present you to my Bank Management as the next of kin to the late customer account proceeds value ($4,000,000)(Four Million United State Dollars) to be transferred into your account so the IRS can pillage your name, accounts and any daughters you might have.

Daughters beat having to settle for goats.

At the successful transfer of this email, I expect the internet world to be amazed and awed at the fact that I didn't misspell one word of this.  See, I just learned English in a DC publk skool last moth, an eye kont weight to ax you wazz up, bleed.  I am compelled to do this because I have painful rectal itch in my sinuses and it makes sneezing really dicey.

If you are interested and have any genuine idea about what the original intent of this email is, please send a transcript of your assessment to MSNBC in care of Rachal Madcow, explaining in 100 words or less why she looks like Ben Afflack.  Get back to me quickly and I will send to you an autographed copy of Katie Couric's book, "Perky My Ass!", signed by Bill Ayers without exploding.  Rest assured that if it had exploded, Katie would be more perkily pissed.  It is risk free project, like researching Joe Bidumb's IQ.

I look forward to your reply.

Yours faithfully,
Mr. Natan Pang
natan_pang@yahoo.co.uk  






No doubt Natan Pang will be a tad nonplused to read this version.  So too the DNC.  At least, those among them who can read.

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Wednesday, November 19, 2014

Illumininnies Continue Ninnying

The Nigerian Illumininnies continue to leave silly recruiting comments on my various posts making fun of them...and I keep making fun of them.  Here's the latest:




i AM A FULL MEMBER OF ILLUMINATI, SO PROCEED IF YOU WANT TO JOIN NOW Email us. powerfulilluminati@gmail.com

Am Mr brandy from USA united state of American, I am glad today because am now
a successful man of Illuminati, I have taught of been one of the Illuminati member so that i will be wealthy for life and my family will be forever rich. I get linked up by a man called Mr
Anderson who introduce me to this agent who have a successful influence with this occult
Illuminati, so he took me joining the team to their real powerful man in USA who was the head of all Illuminati member to help his cousin on belonging to the membership. All because of him
he really did all for me, and now am so glad of becoming a Illuminati member, i am now rich
and wealthy. Thank your Mr Anderson For your support.
Illuminati is a great and powerful means to get popular in life. So if you really wants to be like me today contact
+2348148650531
or email us powerfulilluminati@gmail.com.  





That's how it looked on arrival.  Here's how it looked on edit:




JOIN US IF YOU WANT TO BE IN OUR GOAT SODOMIZING BROTHERHOOD

The Illuminati contact us powerfulilluminati@gmail.com  The Illuminati is a defunct, totally dysfunctional Nigerian society
formed by a fervent collection of lowlife, scum sucking asshats and Third World nippleheads of dubious antecedence and not one shred of usefulness among them. 

Adam Weishaupt in Balvaria, 1776, foretold of this collection of scum in his book "The Coming Nigerian Plague". The cult as its name
suggests, was a group of stammering ninnies who came together because no normal, rational, reasonable person could stand the dumbasses.  Years later, nothing has changed.

Now they try to infiltrate decent society to corrupt it and spread their brand of fecal material far and wide.  And if you've ever seen Ogun, some of those unwashed fat bastards are pretty friggin' wide.

However, the original Nigerian illumidummies was disbanded by the government until the government realized that they had just done away with themselves. 

Then came the spread of abject stupidity, and Nigerian illumidummies found a new lease on the internet.

At least as soon as one of them learned to type.

It took longer for another one to learn to spell.

It took a third to keep chasing off baboons that kept trying to steal the cpus.

And a fourth to know what the hell a cpu was.

The 21st and 20th centuries are things involving chronology, and we Nigerian illumidummies don't know what that means.

This Nigerian illumidummy sect uses words like unga bunga boo which you are more likely to understand, is supposed to sign you up ,
pull you into their chain of fools, give you painful rectal itch, and then smelly projectile vomiting, as you'll be sodomizing goats for YouTube videos.

This article tries to bring to light to Nigerian illumidummies; facts don't match the article, so we stick with the article.

The Nigerian illumidummies make people sick, genitally dysfunctional, animal perverse, and astoundingly repulsive.  The Nigerian illumidummies purges your mind of all vestiges of decency, honesty, intellect...and replace it with abysmal ignorance, backwardness, naivety and sexual perversion. It brings you into the world of Nigerian illumidummy delusions and illusions which
we foster by drinking meth-laced goat piss.  

Knowing that many of us do not understand the Nigerian illumidummies as it is, I’ll go ahead and pound sand up my ass while we email back and forth as I try to delude you as to what Nigerian illumidummies are....abject filth and garbage.

The former was a cult, while the ladder is something you climb.  IF YOU WANT TO BE OUR MEMBER AND BECOME AS WORTHLESS AND DESPICALLY CROOKED AS WE ARE YOU CAN email us at:powerfulilluminati@gmail.com
OR CALL US +2348148650531

They keep pitching...and I keep hitting them out of the park.

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Sunday, November 16, 2014

Email Says I'm Daid

On some mornings and at painful moments in life, I can be made to believe it.

This email wasn't one of them.

Here's how I initially received the email in late October:

"Nouvel événementRe,urgent reply from Mr. Ruben W. Moussa"
 





When

Thursday, 23 October 2014
09:30 PM to 10:30 PM
(GMT) Greenwich Mean Time - Dublin / Edinburgh / Lisbon / London
Where

Good day to you and your family. I am ( Mr. Ruben W. Moussa ) the Inspector General of The Police National BENIN(PN). We received a letter this morning from the Central Bank of Nigeria and the US Treasury Department informing our office that you sent Mr. Allen Smith and Mrs. Cynthia Edward from Canada. These individuals claim to be your representatives, they presented a DEATH CERTIFICATE on your behalf stating that, you are DEAD and before you passed away you instructed them to come and claim your COMPENSATION fund for you, as the rightful beneficiary. udemezugo is typing... udemezugo: elow is the account details which they provided and instructed the Bank to transfer your compensation fund valued US$4,500,000.00. Bank Name: BANK OF AMERICA (BOA) Bank Address: 2075 S. Victoria Ave Ventura, CA 93003 Account Name: Mr. Allen Smith. Type: Checking ABA # 322271627 Acct # 1951204345 Amount: US$4,500,000.00 If you did not send them, you are required to provide us with the below information (for official verification) via email:moussaruben884@yahoo.fr 1. Your Full Name; 2. Your Age and Occupation; 3. Marital Status; 4. Direct Telephone/Fax Number; 5. Home and Office Address: As soon as we receive the requested information from you, we are going to forward it to the Bank where you will be directed for your fund to be released to you. This is in line with the latest Presidential release as a result of numerous petitions by International Comity/United Nations/ European Union/ Federal Bureau of Investigation/ Homeland Security etc on how people are hiding here (in Benin ) to perpetrate this evil act and rubbishing the image of our dear country. Regards Mr. Ruben W. Moussa I.G, Police Nationale (PN) Interpol Financial Crimes Dept INTERPOL + 229-6687 0826   


I didn't get around to replying to it straight away, and subsequently three days later -- one day after October 23 -- I received the same email, with big red letters saying "CANCELLED" at the top.

Hecky darn poo.  I died.  Fancy that.

Well, I know in the eyes of a long time dear friend that's apparently true, but that's a sadder matter.

So I decided to use that small, medium or large from across the Astral Bridge, and answer him anyway, cancelled or not.

It's only good manners, of corpse:


Let me get down to the specifics of this cancellation.  This h'yar sez that two Canadians have listed me as daid.  And they have the document to prove it.
In an aside, in the eyes of a long time dear friend it is apparently true that I am that; so I reckon it's true.
I'm daid.  Deader than a can of corned beef. 
That's pretty forking daid.  Count on it.
So how am I replying to you, says you to yourself, though not too loudly because they lock people up what talks to themselves where you is? 
Easy:  the daid can talk to the living.  The Daidocrapic National Committee does it all the time, via their chairpoison, Daiddie Wasserproblem Schultz.
But there are other ways:  through instrumental transcommunication or ITC...we of the Daid can speak to you of the LIVE by way of various forms of technical apparatus via the Astral Bridge from Lotsa Nowheres -- though some of them are pretty nice places actually -- and we can do it when you th'yah in the physical world make a connection with us h'yah in the spirit woild. 
You dun did that.  And you didn't need a Ouija board, witch doctor or ooga booga spell.  It was just bad joo joo.
Eat real food instead of your elephant-trampled path kill neighbor next time.

Now, far as the fungibles you're writing about, we h'yah in the 3rd Astral Plane don't need no stinking fungibles; here the West African franc -- fit for wiping your bum -- and the Euro are on equal footing.  Not worth squat.
But on the physical plane -- th'yah where you is -- certain negotiable currencies holds a degree of legitimacy. 
If I had any a dat, and you wants dat, you can has dat.
We okay fine now?  
 
 
Ruben Moussa didn't find this response as humerus as I sorta did:
 
 
this not funny  
 
 
I agree that part of it wasn't...the rest was meant to make me forget the part that wasn't.  It didn't work for you?  
 
 
I'll never know, 'cuz Ruben don't like talking to the daid....

 

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Thursday, November 13, 2014

Cheque This

My pet rock, Seymour, agrees with the chimp.

Ponder this email I received and you'll get a sense of what's to follow:


Dear Good Friend;

CONTACT UNITED PARCEL SERVICS COMPANY

How are you today? I am writing to inform you that I have Paid the fee for your Cheque Draft. And I went to the bank to confirm if the Cheque has expired or getting near to expire and the Director of Central Bank of West African States(BCEAO) told me that before the cheque will get to your hand that it will expire. So I told him to cash the US$950.000.00US DOLLARS to cash payment to avoid losting this funds.

However, all the necessary arrangement of delivering the US$950.000.00US DOLLARS in cash was made with UNITED PARCEL SERVICS (UPS) in Cotonou Benin Republic,the
Director of Central Bank of West African States(BCEAO) Cotonou have to package the sum of US$950.000.00 US DOLLARS in cash for me. They also agreed to help me to Register the Consignment box with UNITED PARCEL SERVICS (UPS). Infact I'm happy that every movement I made goes normally.
 
As for our agreement with the UNITED PARCEL SERVICS (UPS),they promised that your consignment will leave this Country tomorrow morning,But the Director of the UNITED
PARCEL SERVICS (UPS) said that they need your contacts informations to aneble them meet up with you immediately the Diplomat Agent arrived to your Country.

Please write a letter of application to the DIRECTOR OF FOREIGN DELIVERIES DEPARTMENT address below.

ATTN: Rev. Dr. Don Bright
TEl: +229-98-25-22-41
EMAIL:(upscompanyservics@yahoo.co.za )

Please, Send them your contact information to able them locate you immediately they arrived in your country with your BOX This is what they need from you.

1.YOUR FULL NAME
2.YOUR HOME ADDRESS.
3.YOUR CURRENT HOME TELEPHONE NUMBER.
4.YOUR CURRENT OFFICE TELEPHONE.
5.A COPY OF YOUR PICTURE

Note.United Parcel Services (UPS) don't know the contents of the Box. I registered it as a BOX of an FAMILY TREASURE. They don't know it contents money. this is to avoid them delaying with the BOX. don't let them know that is money that is in that Box.

You call the Director of the company with this line: +229-98-25-22-41

Thanks and Remain Blessed.
Barrister  Paul Edema.    



I'm sure you know what's coming:

 
Thank you for notifying me of this development. 
Please be advised that due to the recent obola pandumbic now sweeping West Africa and parts of the Washington DC-based Dumbocrapic National Committee -- Dummie Wasserproblem Schultz, chairpoison -- the cheque as you refer to it, or the box, or whatever it is you're planning to ship from th'yah to h'yah, will have to undergo a rectal thermometer screening upon arrival at a US international airport, followed by a 21 day quarantine -- during which it will be subjected to non-stop speeches by Nancy 'Bela' Pelosi, Harry the Zombie Reid and Joe Bidumb -- at a FEMA camp in New Yawhk City, where 20 oz drinks are deemed more dangerous than exotic diseases and ISIS.
 
Yeah, we think them folks in DC and New Yawhk is pretty stupid, too.
 
By the way, how bright can your Rev Don be?  Unless his biohazard suit is blaze yellow.  Now THAT'S bright.  Being in West Africa or the DC based DNC...not so much.
 
We're sure that by you labeling the box "Family Treasure", no one will be the least bit curious as to the box contents.  We do that here on a regular basis with hermetically sealed boxes of feces.  It's always April Fools for the mail thieves.
 
I'll expect your rectal-thermometered, three week-quarantined whatever to arrive by December.  Unless it comes by air...then it might wind up in the lost luggage pile at O'Hare, Dulles, LaGuardia or...Gawd hep it...Newark.  
 
 
That pretty much took care of expecting any delivery from West Africa.  As for a box of feces, that the DNC can keep.  It's pretty much what they're full of.



 

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Monday, November 10, 2014

Cantalog

Scammers long ago ceased to amaze me.

But an occasional one does command my amusement.

Meet Ali Hassan.  He claims to be from Iraq.  And he has a sort of unique notion for giving me -- or anyone he can get to respond -- the business.

This is how his opening gambit begins:

Hello,
Kindly advise if your company has the license or capability to execute a mutil million contract supply project for the Government of Iraq. kindly furnish me your response. Ali Hassan.  



In the beginning, I threw Ali a syntax of hope:


Yes, I do believe that my company, ICOTI, does have that capability.  What exactly are you seeking contractually?  


He never asks me about my company, so I don't have to explain to him that the company acronym I just throwd him was from my International Crustacean Obedience Training Institute in Vaduz, Liechtenstein, one I used to torment scammers with for years.



Thanks for your response.Insh'Allah we begin fruitful business relationship. I am a government contractor and your services are needed all over Iraq.   
 
It has been agreed that your services are needed hence we'll expect you to,at your total discretion, prepare a Pro Forma Invoice of a MIXED ASSORTMENT OF MODELS and QUANTITY of your products to tally with the sum voted for this contract. 
 
This sum would be revealed to you in my subsequent correspondence with your Company.Consequent upon Project approval,we will hold a meeting in Baghdad or in Dubai UAE to smoothen out all vital financial issues alongside relevant Engineers/Technicians to iron out specific technical details and issues. 
 
On the aspect of varied financial regulations  between my country and your country. What is acceptable mode of payment from outside your country? 
 
We prefer telegraphic transfer on our own side. When you have received payment, there would be a quarterly supply(for up to 3 to 7 years) as the sum budgeted for product may be quite enormous as to outstrip your capacity and capability to supply.A consideration also is that your quotation must be C.I.F.Baghdad Airport or the Port of Dubai UAE ; hence every single cost must be put into consideration in a Pro Forma Invoice. I will reveal more procedural information to you upon your confirmation 

Regards,
Mr.Ali Hassan.
Director,
El Mutana Trade Group Iraq,
Zukak 157 Marla11
P.O. Box 650
Salâh ad-Dîn.
Iraq.  



My reply is meant to see how much attention ol' Ali is paying, and I expect it to be a deal-breaker:


I understand that you're in Iraq and I have no problem in dealing with businesses in Iraq, having dealt with several since 2006.  However, I do not deal with Allah.  Just sayin'.  


Ali ignores the diss and continues:


So what kind of services can your company offer?  


Let's see if he ignores a second diss:


It can offer plenty of productive and useful services...just not to islamofascists.  


He does:


Sir,
Can your company do road construction contract and also supply heavy duty equipments for construction and building contracts.?
Ali  



Sounds like it's time to play:


Sure it can.  It already has in Australia, India, Alaska, South Africa and Liechtenstein.    What's your scheme?  
 
 
In response, Ali tells me his scheme:
 
 
Dear Sir, 

It's already been agreed that your products are needed hence we'll expect you to,at your total discretion, prepare a Pro Forma Invoice of a MIXED ASSORTMENT OF MODELS and QUANTITY of your products to tally with the sum voted for this contract 

Your  products would  receive priority consideration and fast-track approval.The transaction is being handled through the office of His Excellency Dr. Ali Yousif Abdulnabi Al-Shukri,Minister of Planning / the Acting Minister of Finance;he assures that your company will be awarded the contract for these supplies as he would collaborate with you due to his huge stake in it,as outlined below.

The Proforma Invoice  should be addressed to:
The office of Contracts Award Panel, Ministry of Finance, Baghdad / Alwehda area / Al Wathiq square / District 902 /Building No.67/ St.No.13.

Attention:The Honourable Minister of Planning / the Acting Minister of Finance,
His Excellency Dr. Ali Al-Shukri.

The amount Budgeted by Government for this contract is USD$10,500,000.00(United States Dollars Ten Million Five Hundred Thousand) only, which can increase or decrease according to the modalities of agreement based on knowledge of your performance. His Excellency  Dr. Ali Al-Shukri would ensure that your Company is awarded this Contract to supply, provided you agree with his plans which are that;

a.your company supplies Nine million dollars worth of products
 
b.but you make an over-valued Proforma Invoice of Ten million, Five Hundred Thousand united states dollars; which is what's been budgeted (mark-up/commission of $1.5M / 14.286% commission).
 
c.You would receive Ten million, Five Hundred Thousand united states dollars payment from the Iraq government and
 
d.send the mark-up/commission of One million, Five Hundred Thousand united states dollars to His Excellency  Dr. Ali Al-Shukri's account overseas.
 

This would be a straightforward and easy process because 100% payment would be made to your company by Telegraphic Transfer (T/T ), before deliveries are made.
 

When full contract fund is sent to you, we will have a face to face meeting in Dubai to smoothen out all vital financial issues alongside relevant Project Engineers/Technicians to iron out specific technical details and issues in the interest of all parties, as I acknowledge Business is better when finalized in a physical meeting for perfection purposes.
 

Regards,
Mr.Ali Hassan.
Director,
El Mutana Trade Group Iraq,
Zukak 157 Marla11
P.O. Box 650
Salâh ad-Dîn.
Iraq.
NO
DISCRIBTION
PRICE USD
QTY
TOTAL
1
CAT 950H WHEEL LOADER 2013
302,222
2
604,444
2
JCB 432ZX WHEEL LOADER 2013
195,556
2
381,112
3
CAT 966G LIKE NEW 2002
208,888
2
417,776
4
CAT 966 EXCELLENT CONDITION 2002
208,888
2
417,776
5
JCB  JS-81 EXCAVATOR NEW UNUSED 2013
195,556
4
782,224
6
KOBELCO  CKE1800 HYDRAULIC CRAWLER CRANE LIKE NEW 2011
2,122,028
1
          2,122,028
7
SOILMEC  SR90 LOW PILLING RIG WORKING HRS=915HRS  2008
1,372,000
1
1,372,000
8
LIEBHERR LB28 PILLING RIG 2010
1,585,920
1
1,585,920
9
LIEBHERR LRB 125XXL PILLING RIGLOW HRS =1100 2009
1,223,040
1
1,223,040
10
RTG RG16T 4000HRS 2008
1,093,680
1
1,093,680
Total : - 10,000,000 Ten million united state dollars

Contracting scam...nice.  With me as the eventual victim.  Nicer.  And my catalog of products -- one I never knowd I had -- very nice indeed.
 
 
I'll get right on this.  
 
 
You need to act fast and get the PI to me immediately on your company letter headed paper.  
 
 
Do you have an email address for the Ministry that I'm to contact?  I have a draft proposal ready.  
 
 
Granted, not on my company letter headed paper; ICOTI has never had letter headed paper.
 
Nor has Bonco, UnInc...what's more, neither company has ever had a catalog of any kind.  But unlike ICOTI, Bonco does have a list of products with descriptions, prices, etc, ready and waiting to be edited into Ali's product list h'yar.
 
 
And so it comes to pass that this is what I send to Ali:
 
 
Ali:
 
Here is the product list with pricing and quantities I am prepared to deliver for whatever projects you envision in Iraq.  Bear in mind that isis-controlled portions of Iraq require double payments ahead of delivery.  I'm sure you don't see what I just did there:
 
 
 
NO
DESCRIPTION
PRICE USD
QTY
TOTAL
1
PHFFFFFT Asure by Bonco
$9.99
1000000
$9,990,000.00
2
EZ NAV-1 by Bonco
$99,995.00
100
$9,999,500.00
3
Bug-a-BOOM Insect Repellant by Bonco
$19,995.00
100
$1,999,500.00
4
Cyclonic Harvester by Bonco
$9,995.00
10
$99,950.00
5
All-In-One Universal Translator by Bonco
$199,995.00
4
$799,980.00
6
Port 'n Potty One by Bonco

$49.99
100

 $4999.00
7
Time Accelerator-Decelerator by Bonco*
$999,995.00
1
$999,995.00
8
Greatest Hits From the (off)Broadass Production Of Titanic, The Musical by Bonco**
$19.99
1000
$19,990.00
9
All-In-One Anal Thermometer 'n Turkey Baster by Bonco***
$9.95
10000
$99,500.00

10
All Required Accessories for the aforelisted Bonco Products****
$10,093,680.00
10
$100,936,800.00
Total : - $124,950,214 Ten million united state dollars
* Once we can find the prototype...it's currently lost in time, along with the research team...
** available in 33 rpm, 8 track and audio cassette versions; we expect to have a CD rom issue by 2029
*** Our scientists just threw this one in and suggest you order soon since Thanksgiving and colonoscopies are coming up
**** various and assorted sh*t the inventors at Bonco suggest you'll need to make all this crap work, if that's possible
DISCLAIMER:  areas of Iraq controlled by isis require payment ahead of delivery.  See what we just did there?


Ali is apparently pleased with what I dun.  So much so, he asks me to send this same invoice to Ali Al-Shukri:

Dear Sir, 
 
Generally I have to thank you  for  your decision and ability to co-operate with our plan, thereby helping to contribute to the Iraq development program and at the same time making some benefit for ourselves on the side. I look forward to meeting up with you in UAE alongside relevant Project Engineers when funds have been released to you. 
 
I wish to assure you that this matter would be handled in the most convenient and transparent manner possible. Of note, the preferable language on your products user manual or labeling should be English and Arabic. 
 
The Honorable Minister would want you to reach him on his private e-mail address   ali.shukri.irq.gv.11@muslim.com  / ali.shukri@aol.co.uk  he has given me his consent to give you this private e-mail address and he would certainly not want this matter discussed on open telephone lines which are not a bit secure due to eavesdropping by varied security agencies and religious militia. He would however set up a satellite telephone link with you.  
 
Due to His Excellency Dr. Ali Al-Shukri's personal interest in this supply contract,100% upfront payment will be released to you.

However, you have to make sure that the proforma invoice is properly address.The Proforma Invoice  should be addressed to:

The office of Contracts Award Panel, Ministry of Finance, Baghdad / Alwehda area / Al Wathiq square / District 902 /Building No.67/ St.No.13.

Attention:The Honourable Minister of Planning / the Acting Minister of Finance, His Excellency Dr. Ali Al-Shukri.  
 
Please contact and  send your proforma Invoice to the Hon. Minister as soon as practicable, and send a copy to me also.When you contact him, just introduce yourself and your company to him, and give him a copy of the proforma for his attention and leave the rest to him, he will take things up from there okay?   
 
 
So what does Jack do?  He sends the same doctored invoice to the "honourable" Dr. Ali Al-Shukri.  And he doesn't read it either:
 
 
THANK YOU FOR THIS COOPERATION


I HAVE APPROVED P/I   FOR FUND RELEASE..PLS. NOTE;

ON GOING SECURITY UNREST CAUSED DELAYS BUT ALL IS SETTLED NOW......
PROMPTLY COMPLETE (GREEN ASTERIX FIELDS ONLY) IN ATTACHED DOCS & RETURN BY EMAIL
ATTACHMENT, TO CONCLUDE DUE PROCESS REQUIRED VITAL FOR APPROVALS. PLEASE LET ME KNOW YOU RECEIVED THE DOC.  
Dr. Ali Shukri   
 
 
He sent me a total of five (5) documents.  Here's a sample:
 

Of course, there's one that my character has to fill out and return.  Which, thanks to a broken printer/scanner, I cannot do.  So after some dickering on the subject, Dr. Al-Shukri takes care of it for my character thus:


Then emails it to me, and urges my character to get it off to their Amsterdam financial contact:
 
 
USD$10,500,000.00(United States Dollars Ten Million Five Hundred Thousand) only

IRAQFMF APPROVAL NOTIFICATION


PLEASE BE AWARE THAT ISSUES OF BUDGET CONCERNS AND COMPLICATIONS ARISING

FROM MINISTRY ASSIGNMENTS HAVE CAUSED DELAYS BUT HOWEVER I AM GLAD THAT

PROGRESS IS  MADE. ACT ACCORDINGLY AND SWIFTLY.

PROVISIONAL APPROVALS HAVE BEEN GIVEN AND SENT TO THE PAYMENT OFFICE OF

THE IDP IN NETHERLAND ON YOUR BEHALF FOR YOUR COMPANY CONTRACT FUND PAYMENT RELEASE.


CONTACT DETAILS ARE BELOW FOR YOUR REFERENCE, AND YOU ARE ADVISED TO REACH

THEM IMMEDIATELY, AND COOPERATE FULLY WITH THEM TO RECEIVE YOUR PAYMENT.

AMSTERDAM OFFICE OPEN FOR BUSINESS BETWEEN 9AM AND 5PM (BHT), MON - FRI

EXCEPT IRAQ OR AMSTERDAM HOLIDAYS EMAIL ALSO AVAILABLE BELOW;


THE IRAQ DEVELOPMENT PROGRAM (I.D.P)
FOREIGN PAYMENT OFFICE.
NETHERLAND ZONE.

GLOBAL PLATINUM FINANCE AND SECURITIES.
Oudezijds Voorburgwal 197-198.
1012 EX AMSTERDAM Netherland.
Email-globalfinsecbv@accountant.com
Email-globalfinsecbv@europe.com
Netherland Hotline Telephone- +31-626-109-810 :+31-626-109-811


PLS. PROMPTLY CONTACT YOUR PAYMENT OFFICER FOR FUNDING
INSTRUCTIONS.
YOU MAYBE REQUESTED TO ENDORSE FUND RELEASE DOCUMENTS PERSONALLY, BEFORE

RELEASE OF FUNDS TO YOUR ACCOUNT...

EVERYTHING IS ARRANGED...JUST FOLLOW INSTRUCTIONS

PLEASE COPY ME WHEN YOUR MAILING THE PAYMENT OFFICE IN NETHERLAND 



So I copy all interested parties and introduce my character to the Amsterdam gang thus:


Thank you for this information.  I will make contact accordingly.
Note to Global Platinum And Securities:  please see attached document and advise me on how to proceed.
Jack N. Ewehoff  
 
 
And here's how Global Platinum and Securities weighs in:
 
 
GLOBAL PLATINUM FINANCE AND SECURITIES.
Oudezijds Voorburgwal 197-198.
1012 EX AMSTERDAM Netherland.
Email-globalfinsecbv@accountant.com
Email-globalfinsecbv@europe.com
Netherland Hotline Telephone- +31-626-109-810 :+31-626-109-811
 
 
Attention Mr Jack N. Ewehoff,
USA.
 
23rd October 2014,
 
Sir,
 
                      FUNDS RELEASE UPDATE AS REGARDS CONSIGNMENT NO GPS/AMS/9077-2/NL
 
We are in receipt of your recent mail and telephone conversation we had earlier today,and we refer to an application sent to this management by Mr Ali Shukri from the Iraq Development Program (I.D.P), requesting for the release of the sum $10.500.000000 (Ten Million Five Hundred Thousand United States Dollars only)in our security vault to a Mr Jack N. Ewehoff from the United States Of America.
 
After due investigation and verification to determine the authenticity of the claim followed by a Protracted deliberation over his request, we are pleased to inform you that a foreign exchange Allocation for Ten Million Five Hundred Thousand United States Dollars only ($10.500.000000 ) Have been approved to be released to you, after you have met with the following requirements stated below.
 
(1).A copy of the proof of funds would be required as well.
 
(2).A copy of your international passport of driver’s license for identification process at the accounts department.
 
As soon as you provide us with all this documents and they are verified by this management we would commence with your funds release and transfer of your funds . 
 
Like you must have learnt that there was an instruction from your partner Mr Ali Shukri, when this funds was deposited here, that no charges must be deducted by us until these funds gets to his partners bank account,As such due to this instruction and INSURANCE COVER, We are unable to deduct our fees unless this funds has being handed over to you. So you would be required to come with our cost of transfer charges(C.O.T)before we can release and effect your transfer to you.
 
However, in accordance with our funds release policies you will be required to let us know when you can provide us with this documents and the cost of transfer charges so we can immediately commence with your funds release process.
 
NOTE that with regards to these INSURANCE COVER Waivers or deductions are not acceptable; the enabling laws stipulate that all foreign transfer of money from any European financial institution, the tax has to be duly paid in full. The premium for Money in Transit is standardized. At the applicable rate of the total Sums to be transferred. There will be a delay in the release of your funds if the validation levy is not paid.
 
Please be informed that we would want you to reconfirm your proper identification, telephone and address would be needed as well to enable us update and authenticate your file with us, And as well hand over all the documents backing the funds and its source So that you do not have any problem with your bankers when you finally have these funds in your possession.
 
Note that at all time you must quote and keep this number very confidential [GPS/AMS/9077-2/NL] As we would not be liable for any carelessness on your part, if your codes get into the wrong hands. And we would not respond to any of your calls or mail without you quoting your Reg Numbers as, that will enable us know your file, and that we are actually dealing with the right person.
 
Please do inform us when you will be coming so that we can fix an appointment for you and also have our protocol officer come to pick you up on arrival and bring you to of clearing house.You also let us know which of our office you would like to come,As we have our offices in Spain and in the Netherland.And please note that we cannot attend to you without a prior appointment with this management.
 
On your arrival to our office in Netherlands you would be required to come with our deposit and handling charges of 21,650.00[Twenty One Thousand Six Hundred And Fifty Euros].
 
For more directives on how you can go about your funds release procedures, kindly contact our foreign clearance officer below.
 
Finally, we solicit your kind co-operation and understanding in the final proceedings in Order to bring the transaction to its logical conclusion.
 
Thanks in advance.
 
Yours Faithfully,
 
Mr. Billy Hawks
 
Cc:: Mr. James Mandel (Director, Foreign Operations [London]
 
Cc:: Mrs Oliviera Aguilla[Director Remittance Department [ G.P.F.S Netherland]
 
Cc:: Mr. Pieter Van Der Vart [Director Foreign Asset Control Netherlands].
 
 
Disclaimer:
The information contained herein (including any accompanying documents)is Confidential and is intended solely for the addressee(s) only and may constitute privileged information. If you have erroneously received this message, please immediately delete it and notify the sender.Also, if you are not the intended recipient, you are hereby notified that any disclosure, copying, distribution or taking any action in alliance on the contents of this message or any accompanying documents strictly prohibited and is unlawful; the contents of this message may not necessarily represent the views or policies of Global Platinum Finance and securities.

 
 
So...they expect Jack to fly to Amsterdam and to bring the fee of $21650 Euros with him.
 
I wonder if they read any better than Ali and Ali Al-Shukri do?  Let's see as I pull together something of a travel itinerary for them to knaw on:
 
 
Tentative travel itinerary for me to come to Amsterdam, The Netherlands.
1.  Leave LAX on 11-5-14 at 1:50pm on KLM;
     Arrive AMS on 11-6-14 at 9:50am on KLM.
Reservations at the Hilton Amsterdam
Apollolaan 138, Amsterdam 1077GS
11-6 thru 11-9-14
2.  Leave AMS on 11-10-14 at 1:20pm on Icelandair;
     Return LAX on 11-10-14 at 10:55pm on Virgin America.
I will be transporting the required fee in American Express Travellers Cheques -- total of $14,000 (in $500 denominations).
I would request that you have me met at the AMS gate upon my flight arrival and escort me to the hotel, considering the nature of our transaction.
Please confirm that this is a viable arrangement.  Jack N. Ewehoff  
 
 
So far, not one of the scammers has noticed that I lowballed the requested fee:
 
 
 GOOD TO HEAR THIS,ALL ARRANGEMENT WILL BE MADE BY THE PAYMENT CENTER OFFICIALS TO PICK YOU ON ARRIVAL 
Ali Shukri
ali.shukri@aim.com  

 

 

Sir,
Thank you very much for the update..
Ali  

 
 
Sequel to your your update as regards your travelling arrangements so we can fix your appointment and also make your hotel reservation for you If you want us to.But if you prefer to do it yourself then just let us have the details.So our protocol officer can meet you up on arrival
 
Please be informed that we will confirm 48 hours update prior to your arrival,so we can fix your appointment as we do not want to atend to more than 4 clients in a day due to our tight schedule.
 
For more directives on how you can go about making your appointment, kindly contact Mr Norman Macaay at the accounts department.
 
Finally, we solicit your kind co-operation and understanding in the final proceedings in Order to bring the transaction to its logical conclusion.
 
Thanks in advance.
 
Yours Faithfully,
 
Mr. Billy Hawks
 
Cc:: Mr. James Mandel (Director, Foreign Operations [London]
 
Cc:: Mrs Oliviera Aguilla[Director Remittance Department [ G.P.F.S Netherland]
 
Cc:: Mr. Pieter Van Der Vart [Director Foreign Asset Control Netherlands].  
 
 
I'm glad that I made what appears to be at least three illiterate scammers happy.  

Global then followed up with a request that I email them a copy of my passport; instead I gave them the same song and dance I gave Dr. Al-Shukri:


Attention Mr Jack N. Ewehoff,
USA.
 
29th October 2014,
 
Sir,
 
                      FUNDS RELEASE UPDATE AS REGARDS CONSIGNMENT NO GPS/AMS/9077-2/NL
 
With regards to your arrival to the Netherlands we would require you to send us a photocopy of your international passport for recognition on your arrival at the airport,Since you have asked that we send our protocol officer pick you up.We need it to be able to iddentify you on arrival,We would also need it for verification at the office,So we know exactly that we are dealing with the right person.
 
We would also want to know what telephone number you would be using when you arrive the Netherlands,So we can be able to communcate with you on arrival.
 
Please do send us this information and particular before your arrival.


I will be happy to present to you my passport upon arrival in Amsterdam.  As I explained to Dr. Ali Al-Shukri, my scanner is out of service and we won't be replacing it -- and other in need of update equipment -- until after this deal is consummated.  It is taking much of my available on hand cash to make the fee payment you're requiring.
When the KLM flight I'm arriving on -- on November 6 at 9:50am Amsterdam time -- arrives, please have your courier meet me at the gate, holding a sign with my name; I will find him that way and will hand over all required document bona fides at that time.  We'll consummate the deal at your office, at which time I will provide you with the fee required. 
Look forward to meeting you next Thursday, one week from today.  
 
 
Now we wait....*Jeopardy Theme with loop*...but not for long.  First, I find useful flight information to further legitimize my character's travel itinerary in the eyes of my character's intended scamsters:


Gentlemen, please advise the Global Platinum Securities people that there is a quick change in my flight to Amsterdam on November 5/6: 
Wednesday November 5:  Leaving Los Angeles (LAX) on UA 534 to NYC JFK at 4:35pm; then leaving NYC on KL6103 at 6:35pm and arriving in Amsterdam (AMS) at 11:10am November 6.  My hotel reservations remain the same.
I will be looking for the Global Platinum staff when I arrive at 11:10am on November 6.  When I see the sign with my name, I'll be very happy indeed.  I look forward to meet all of you and consummating this deal.  
 
 
That drew some interesting closing emails.  First from Ali Hassan, who started it all:
 
The minister said he was going to give you an important info, i dont know if he has mailed you because I told him to inform me of what he wanted to tell you which he refused. Please try to update me of any latest development . 
Ali  





Then from Dr. Al-Shukri:

 
 
GOOD DAY AND THANK YOU FOR THE UPDATE, I HAVE  VERY IMPORTANT INFORMATION FOR YOU WHICH ON NO GROUND YOU WILL GIVE IT TO ANY ONE , DON'T EVEN GIVE IT TO THE OFFICIALS IN THE NETHERLANDS, IS THE CODE TO OPEN THE BOX WHERE THE FUNDS ARE, AND THE CHAIRMAN TENDER BOARD COMMITTEE AND DEBT RECONCILIATION COMMITTEE GIVE ME THE  CODE THIS EVENING THAT YOU SHOULD KEEP IT SAFELY TO YOUR SAFE ALONE, THE CODE IS 532 AND THIS IS THE CODE YOU WILL USE IN OPENING THE BOX WHERE THE FUNDS ARE AND MAKE SURE YOU DONT GIVE IT TO ANY BODY , EVEN THE OFFICIALS IN THE NETHERLANDS, DONT LET THEM HAVE THE CODE, IS FOR YOU ALONE. I WAS ALSO INFORMED THAT THEY HAVE TWO SENIOR OFFICIALS THERE IN THE PAYMENT CENTER, I WILL ADVISE THAT YOU BUY GIFT ITEMS FOR THE TWO OF THEM, PLEASE TRY YOUR BEST TO BUY A VERY NICE WATCH AND A NICE PERFUME FOR THE TWO OF THEM EACH, TO SHOW SIGN OF APPRECIATION SO THEY CAN MAKE SURE THERE WILL BE NO DELAY IN THE RELEASE OF THE FUNDS TO YOU ON OUR BEHALF, BESIDES THAT ALL MODALITIES HAVE BEEN PERFECTED FOR THE RELEASE OF THE FUNDS.......... PLEASE DONT FORGET ABOUT THE CODE 532 AND THE GIFT ITEMS FOR THE TWO SENIOR OFFICIALS. YOUR NEW ARRIVAL TIME HAS ALSO BEEN SENT TO THEM.
AT THIS STAGE THAT WE ARE NOW, YOU HAVE TO BE VERY CONFIDENTIAL IN WHAT IS GOING ON, WHEN ANY BODY ASK YOU WHAT YOUR  COMING TO DO IN THE NETHERLANDS, JUST TELL THEM YOUR CAME FOR VACATION, ON NO GROUND YOU SHOULD LET ANY ONE KNOW WHAT YOU ACTUALLY CAME FOR,SHOULD  IN CASE THEY ASK YOU WHAT YOUR COMING TO DO IN NETHERLANDS AT THE PORT OF ENTRY AND POINT OF DEPARTURE FROM THE USA, YOU WILL KNOW WHAT TO TELL THEM. PLEASE MAIL ME BACK TO ENABLE ME KNOW YOU GOT MY MAIL
Ali Shukri
ali.shukri@aim.com  
 
 
My last pre-Amsterdam email response reads thus:
 
 
Thank you for this important information.  I am off to the airport.  I have your instructions and will protect the code, pick up the gifts you suggested and after I meet their representatives at the gate in Amsterdam, I'll attend to the traveler's cheques.
We're on the path to success.
Jack  
 
 
All of the various 'tells' I have left throughout this scambait, and STILL they believe my character is enroute...and to be greeted at the gate of Flight 6103 in Amsterdam with a big "Jack N Ewehoff HERE" sign.  Wish I had someone dedicated to being there for a picture of that...maybe someone will capture the moment and run widdit on YouBoob.
 
Anyway, now we wait Thursday, November 6...probably up to an hour or so after Flight 6103 lands in Amsterdam (11:10am their time, roughly 3 or 4:10am my time)...

I let four hours elapse past what was my character's scheduled arrival in Amsterdam, and log in to read this from Ali Hassan:


I hope you have arrived in Netherlands and you have met with the officials?  


And then this from Dr. Al-Shukri:


PLEASE MAKE SURE YOU CALL THIS NUMBER ON YOUR ARRIVAL 31645807552 MR. BILLY HAWKS  


Followed by this:


 I HOPE ALL IS WELL? DIDN'T HEAR FROM YOU THAT YOU HAVE ARRIVED AS PLANNED  


And then there was this from Global Platinum:


WHAT KIND OF GAME IS THIS?  WHERE ARE YOU?  WE HERE AND YOU ARE NOT.  THIS IS NOT APPRECIATED.  EXPLAIN IMMEDIATE.  


What to do, what to do....first, this back to the Two Alis:


It seemed to go just as you imagined, and apparently as I was too.  All is well.  My flight arrived on time, Billy Hawk's reprehensible was there to meet me, we went to the offices of Global Platinum.  The gifts were delivered and appeared to be genuinely appreciated.  Then we had a splendid lunch with five kinds of wine, and talked all about the state of the world and the heart of our business.  The fees to Global Platinum are paid, and our contract is signed.  I had no idea things would be handled so expediently.  In fact, I'm now looking to return home on Saturday, rather than next week.  Congratulations, gentlemen, your deal and our business is going flawlessly.

Then the dangest thing happened...I woke up.  It's pretty strange after that.  


To Global went this:


That is EXACTLY what I want to know, Mr. Hawks.  I arrive on my flight on time, deplane, and I see no one with a sign directing me to meet them, just as we agreed.  I wait three hours.  No one.  Totally unprofessional.  It cost me time and money to make this trip, and I brought all that was required of me, and even gifts at the behest of Dr. Al-Shukri.

Well me, my money and my gifts are on a flight BACK to NYC.  I don't have time for business world amateurs.  If you want to do this deal, you will have to convince me of your sincerity and seriousness...and THEN to prove it you'll have to travel to Los Angeles.

Let me know what you decide.  


I doubt Global's gonna bite...but there's confusion from two others:


THE WAY THINGS ARE NOW SHOWS THAT YOUR ARE NOT SAYING THE TRUTH, THE OFFICIALS TOLD THE CHAIRMAN OF TBC THAT THEY DIDN'T HEAR FROM YOU, AND NOW YOU ARE SAYING YOU MET WHO? 

Ali Shukri
ali.shukri@aim.com 
 
And from Ali Hassan:
 
 
Don't understand you at all?  is this your real name Ian Anthony Marzonie?  
 
 
To Dr. Al-Shukri goes this:
 
 
No, I didn't say I met Who.  Who is on first.  I was in Amsterdam.  Where did you think I was?  Perrywinkle Land?  Re-read my last email.  There's a good lad.
 
 
And to Ali Hassan:
 
 
Who is Ian Anthony Marzonie, please?  Don't tell me I had to buy a gift for him too?  
 
 
Dr. Al-Shukri responds:
 
 
WHERE ARE YOU NOW ? AND WHO IS WITH YOU?
Ali Shukri
ali.shukri@aim.com  
 
 
I'm at AMS International arranging my early return to the US since our business is successfully concluded.  You should be receiving the signed contracts and all that from Who, or Billy Hawks, shortly.  He said he was sending them via the 'cloud'.   I couldn't be happier with how you imagined that this would work out. 


 Whether the realization light bulb just lit in Dr. Al-Shukri's head, or he just bought the above, here's his response:


THANK YOU VERY MUCH
Ali Shukri
ali.shukri@aim.com  



Whatever it is, 'Jack' will play it:'


You're very welcome.  I don't see how this deal could have worked out any smoother or more efficiency.  You're to be commended.  Can I present you with a gift as well?  Would that be a conflict of interest?  You deserve something for your hard and efficient work.  


And to Ali Hassan, so he doesn't feel left out:


Considering how well and smoothly things went, I offered to present Dr. Al-Shukri with a  gift.  Would you like one as well?  After all, you are the genesis of this very successful transaction.  Please advice me on how I can get this gift to you.  It's the very least I can do.  
 
 
And though Global Platinum isn't responding to my last email, I couldn't let them go totally unrewarded:
 
 
Despite your fumbling of this deal, the trip wasn't entirely wasted...I met a really hot KLM flight attendant named Bekka who gave me a Mile High Club experience like none other.  She got $1000 Euros for that.  Yowza.
Look her up next time you're at AMS and fly KLM...you won't be sorry.   


Global Platinum has had enough of Jack.  So has Ali Hassan.  But Dr. Al-Shukri has one last thing to say:


take your gift and do bad thing with it.  


As you wish, Dr. Al-Shukri:  I've give it to Sandra Bullock.  She doesn't wear burkahs, either.  


It remains too bad that I didn't have anyone at the airport to see that sign....
 
 
 



 
 
 
 
 
 

 
 



 
 







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