Thursday, March 23, 2017

Seymour Has Another Go At Kim Jong Un

My pet rock hasn't done so well with his March Madness brackets.

But when it comes to baiting North Korean pudginator Kim Jong Un, Seymour is a master baiter.

"Yeah...uh...PHFFFFFFFFFFT!!!"

Which pretty much sums up the North Korean missile program.

But I digress.

Here's the latest edit by my "editing gone wild" pet rock of a story about Kim Jong Un and his Al Franken like behavior:


North Korea Has Another Successful FAIL In The Launch And Lunch Departments

By Seymour PetRock/WTFNS

North Korea fired a test missile Wednesday morning, employing it's own version of Common Core trajectoral math, with successfully failing results officials have confirmed.

"U.S. Pacific Command detected and was totally amused by what we assess was a failed North Korean missile launch attempt the morning of March 22 in Korea (12:49 p.m. Hawaii time) in the vicinity of Kalma," said a spokesman for U.S. Pacific Command. "A missile appears to have exploded within a house of ill repute favored by Dear Leader Kim Jong Un. We are working with our interagency partners on a more detailed assessment to determine how many of his inflatable girlfriends were harmed during the test."
 
South Korea's Ministry of Defense also confirmed that Kim Jong Un's lunch order to a McDonalds franchise in China failed, sending the Pudginator into an Al Franken-like tirade that lacked one pronouncible “L”.


The North Korean missile – manufactured by Acme Corporation – was launched near Kalma in eastern Wonsan province, where North Korea previously attempted to launch its first in a franchise series of McUn's One Pounders With Cheese Walk Thru restaurants. That site was previously destroyed by a North Korean test of its mobile-launched MuttDaPhuk intermediate-range ballistic missile.

U.S. officials said that activity was apparent in Wonsan indicating that another possible McUn's One Pounders With Cheese Walk Thru restaurant construction starts was likely.


Believed to have required a minimum order of at least 1,500 won for “rocar derivery”, the missile is of no concern to U.S. officials because “our McDonalds chains in the US know how to operate, and North Korea keeps blowing theirs up”.

North Korea has not had much success in testing their missiles or their McUn's One Pounders With Cheese Walk Thru restaurants: Seven of eight MuttDaPhuk launches last year were spectacular failures, destroying all seven under-construction restaurant sites. The eighth took out Kim Jong Un's inflatable whores house.


U.S. officials have still not made an assessment of what type of Mickie D knock offs and pathetic substitutions Kim Jong Un has in mind for his restaurant chain...if he ever manages to complete one of them without blowing them up.

In February, North Korea launched a new solid-fuel rocket that shot down an inflatable Kim Jong Un balloon meant to substitute for Cupid. That got considerable mirth during Japanese Prime Minister Shinzo Abe's visit with President Donald Trump at his Mar-a-Lago resort in Florida.

The North Korean Valentine snafu drew snide comments from both leaders, and attention-grabbing photos soon appeared showing aides rolling on the floor in hysterics at the comedic routine worked out by the two leaders while they were at dinner.

In March, four North Korean inflatable Kim Jong Un as an immensely fat leprechaun traveled more than 6 miles, the upper limit of what North Korea has managed so far, deflating with very loud PHFFFFFFTs just off Wonsan. 
 
During a visit to South Korea last week, Secretary of State Rex Tillerson signaled a more amused and dismissive approach to North Korea's stand up comedy routines that they are inadvertently putting on while Dear Leader gained ten more pounds.

"All options are on the table," he said at a news conference, "including a Gong Show like *GONG* for every time they screw the pooch and act the part of Al Franken-like buffoons, which is just about daily," Tillerson snorted.

North Korea has stated that its goals to (a) get Kim Jong Un a leading role in a Team America World Police sequel (b) develop and successfully market a chain of McUn's One Pounders With Cheese Walk Thru restaurants all across Asia and in the basement of the DNC and (c) start a chain of inflatable sex toy shops featuring inflatable Hellary Clintons, Bela Pelosis, Fauxchahontas Warrens, Don Lemons and Shep Smiths to please and amuse Kim Jong Un during his “horiday excursions” is “on track and on schedule”, though just what “schedule” that is the North Koreans won't say.


An unofficial spokescat for the creators of Team America World Police – unofficially on loan from Bloom County – suggested that they are no closer to doing a sequel now than when the first movie was released. 

 
“Ack!”, or something like that, was the response to reporters questions, followed by a room clearing hairball of epic proportions.


I think that Seymour outdid hisself on this one.  Now only if he could pick a March Madness bracket.

"Oh PHFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT!!!"

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Monday, March 20, 2017

Of Methane And Money

South Park's notion of Canadians -- aka, Terrence & Philip -- aren't the end of interests in methane.

An alleged Syrian email scammer -- Dr. Moussa Ibrahim -- found out that methane and money can have some curious connections.

Witness, if you will/dare/can, the entire contact thread between Dr. Ibrahim, and my dubious character, Ukulele Ungabunga:


From: Dr. Moussa Ibrahim <moussaibrahim@mail.bg>
Sent: Wednesday, March 1, 2017 8:43 AM
Subject: Proposal
 

Dear,

                                Proposal

I am Dr. Moussa Ibrahim from Aleppo in Syria.  Before the war come to us I was money controller for large contracting firm in Aleppo where I could add charges to billings to foreign contractors.  Over time this overcharges come to about $30 million USD that I and my partner managed to hide in consignment boxes sent to a security company in Amsterdam, Netherlands.  My partner was killed during war here so meanwhile, I am contacting you because I find your informations in a business register online and I need your help as a foreign person to access these fund now in Amsterdam.

I will like to discuss with you to know the possibility of how we can co-operate and work together as business partner. Please if you are interested to assist me kindly get back to me for us to discuss on how to transfer the fund from the security company under your custody.

Thank you for your understanding.
Waiting for your urgent reply,
Best Regards,
Dr. Moussa Ibrahim.
--------------------------------------------------------------
I am gratified, if a bit nonplused, that you would choose me for this dubious adventure.  My name is Ukulele Ungabunga and you say you find me in a business register?  Curiosity put a kilt on a cat.  What roll do you see me in?
--------------------------------------------------------------
Thank you for your reply Mr. Ukulele.  Where are you from please?

--------------------------------------------------------------
I emigrated from Uranus to Liechtenstein two years ago. Good thing there were no border fences at the space port.  


--------------------------------------------------------------
Really?  how long was this to do?

-------------------------------------------------------------
It seemed like forever in the travel phase. Meteors are a problem.... But I here and abnormally adjusted gravitationally. What can I do for you?
 
 

-----------------------------------------------------------------
I have actually been inflating charges to foreign contractors here in Syria prior
to the breakout of war here that over time come to more than $30 million USD
that I and my dead partner placed in consignment boxes with a security company
in Amsterdam that require the both of us to retrieve.  The security company does
not know what the consignment boxes contain as we reported it to be financial
recordings, not the cash it really is.
Now that my dead partner cannot cooperate with me, I need you to stand in
as my dead partner so that we can retrieve the consignment boxes.  I have
work out all modalities and arrangement, but I need you to represent as
my partner so the security company will allow transfer of the consignment
boxes under your care.
These boxes are protected by the governing body of the United Nations Monetary
Unit and the International Monetary Fund (IMF).

In this regards, you are to contact and furnish the requested information to
the Controller of Global Securities Holdings Inc with the followings;

1. Your Name:
2. Country :
3. Age :
4. Occupation :
5. Mobile Telephone:
6. Delivery Address:
7. Zip Code:
8. Marital status:

Scan copy of any of your identification:

I Dr. Moussa Ibrahim hereby declared  that, all the above information
produced by me are true.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Granted, I am still getting used to all this here.  From my reading, this
certainly sounds like lots of value, what which you talk.
If you want me to play dead, I think I can do this.  I teach my pet
tarantula to do this.  He not so good at sit or beg yet.
Where I am from, we do not use paper or metal things that represent
value with which we obtain things or exchange things.  On Uranus,
our "coin of the realm" if you will is methane.
 
 
  I was recently chastised by a Liechtensteinian constable for lunging after
a woman that -- if I have this term right -- "farted" most largely and loudly
in front of me, because on Uranus, that is deemed wealth.  Having 30 anum
cubic particulates of methane is very very good there.  Here..it causes people
to run and make faces.
 
What do I do next?

After that reply, Dr. Ibrahim apparently had someone read the emails that he had been glossing over...and he wouldn't has more speaks with me.  Too bad, too:  I was working on explaining how that Starbucks cup wound up on Uranus...Mars...wherever.

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Friday, March 17, 2017

The Edit of Khan

Okay, that photo there would be the edit of con...or of a con.

Russia may be in love with hacking, but India is in love with offering online web page design to those not soliciting for it.

Why?  On accounta cuz:


I had found your web contact email from internet. I would like to discuss some importance of business as you have registered your own domain (which I haven't).
 
We are an India based CMMi Level 3 Website Designing & Development Company with a primary focus on Website and Mobile Application Development.
Offering the services like-
1 - Web Design
2 - Web Development
3 - E-Commerce
4 - Graphic Design
5 - Logo Design
6 - Website Revamping
7 - PHP               
8 - HTML/HTML5
9 - SEO Services
10 - PPC Services
11 - Java
12 - Mobile Apps Development
 
Our design team can work closely with you as part of your marketing staff and we can assure you - you won’t even notice we are in another country.
 
If you have any requirement, please revert us. 
Look forward to hear from you. 
 
Kind regards,
(Business Consultant)  
 
 
This isn't the first one of these my character has got, and I'm sure it won't be the last.  But it was the emailer's name that got me:  Akashi Khan Singh.
 
*TOING*
 
 
You just KNOWD what had to be the direction of the edit:
 
 
From: akash khan singh <akash.singh910@yahoo.in>
Sent: Friday, January 13, 2017 11:02 AM
Subject: More Eugenics Wars Khan Style


 
I had found your web contact email from internet after waking up from hibernation sleep that lasted 200 years. That would mean that I was carbon freezed in..uh...umm...1816, a year after the Battle of New Orleans.  Fortunately, it was a long time ago and a galaxy far, far away from here, otherwise I wouldn't know sh*t one about what I just said. 
 

With that, I come from a place far beyond the mesocyclones of commerce and trade, and I would like to discuss how Fisher Stevens got playing us so wrong in that movie he shared with cyborgs and Ally Sheedy's software.
 
 
But before that, it is well that you should know that your current website sucks, and of some importance is business as you have registered your own domain with romaine, so you should lettuce help you.
 
 
We are an Andromeda based CMMi Level 39 artificial intellectual sweetened Website that designs and develops cyber hacks of politicians while making it look like the Russians, Chinese, pekinese and other assordi and sundried raisins of dubious ediblecedence did it.  Here's some of the sh*t that we can do to your site, too:

1 - Web Dysentery
2 - Web Declination and Right/Left Add/Subtract
3 - E-Coli
4 - Graphic Demonstrations of Gestures In Traffic
5 - Rio Logo
6 - Webslight Revamping Reconstituting and Regurgitating
7 - PHP/OMG/WTF and LMAO      
 
         
8 - HTML and Why They Should Use Originally Designated Rest Rooms
9 - DEO..DEEEEEEO...Daylight come and we want go home
10 - PPC Services that PPC in your life that desperately needs it's PPC serviced
11 - Java:  The Evils Of Coffee And Why I Need More
12 - Mobile Apps, Mishaps And Lap Dance Devolutions In HR Departments
 
Our crap design team can work better without you any where around because we don't play well with others and we can assure you - you won’t even notice we from another galaxy, star system, dimension, planet, or the basement of the DNC, leaking all the hacked stuff to the Russians, Chinese, the fake news network cnn, etc.
 
If you have any requirement, please refrain and revamp hitherto revert us. 
Look forward to hear what reactions this email gets because we still practicing with your language from you. 
 
What Kind Of Regards We'd Hate To Say,
(Business Insultant)
 akash.singh910@yahoo.in







So far, no follow up from the Indians, no hacks from the Russians and no comment from cnn.  I'm 3-0  ;-)





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Tuesday, March 14, 2017

Wishful Things In Scamdumb

What might you think if you receive an email titled "social welfare"?

You might envisions lines of people like this, lined up outside a welfare office (like this one in Kaliforlornia).

You probably wouldn't expect it to go on to promise you $2.7 million USD.

This one did:

United Nations Social Welfare Organization
(U.N.S.W.O)

World Charity Welfare Union
261 Avenue, Bel ford Street Southwest
London SW1–SW10 United Kingdom.

  PAYMENT INFORMATION OF $2,700,000.00

Good day to you. You Have Won $2,700,000. The World Global Welfare
Organization Aid Nominated you as one of 2017 award winner.

This is to inform you that the United Bank have acknowledged your file
from United Nations Social Welfare Organization (U.N.S.W.O) to remit the
sum Two Million Seven Hundred Thousand US Dollars ( $2,700,000.00) only.

PLEASE PAY ATTENTION TO THE FOLLOWING:

The United Bank International have issued a bank Draft sum of
$2,700,000.00 in your favor, We have forwarded the draft to Airline that
will be coming to your country. Note that one of the airline attendant
will come to your the address you shall provide to do delivery of your
parcel to you.

Kindly Send Your full details
DELIVERY NAMES :
ADDRESS :
CITY :
STATE :
ZIP CODE :
COUNTRY :
ALL CELL # :
MARITAL STATUS :

Once your receive the package, you are therefore expected to take the
draft to you bank for cashing. Your bank shall verify the draft withing 2
working days and remit  total $2,700,000.00 to you by cash or to your
account. this payment method shall take minimum 3 days for you to receive
your fund.

Mr Charles
United Kingdom,
CONTACT NUMBER:
(which was conveniently forgot)



My character wasn't quite sure what to do with this, so he just allowed a 'stream of consciousness' to overflow its banks in the edit:


From: Social Welfare <claimresouce@gmail.com>
Sent: Tuesday, January 10, 2017 9:33 PM
Subject: Need A Medic Here


United Nations Piss Up A Rope Organization
(U.N.P.U.A.O.)

World Goat Chastity Bless Yore Heart Union
261 Avenue, Bel ford Street Southwest
London SW1SW10 United Kingdom.

 PAYMENT INFORMATION OF $2,700,000.00

In antwort to your inquiring minds analogy, You Have Been Led To Believe That You Won $2,700,000. 

How it is that we come into such funds available for such blatant chicanery is really not difficult to

understand once the dynamics are explained:  we send out to the 16th Street Mall in Denver an
assordid collection of down on their duck looking souls, who beg and barter for change just like in
that South Park episode.

  One especially effective character of wind up antecedence was the foreign
looking organ grinder with the cymbals-banging monkey; at least until the left cymbal broke and fell
off, causing the monkey to repeatedly bash hisself in the face with the remaining cymbal until it
knocked him out.


The wind up PETA rep was not amused, especially as he kept falling over on the brickwork side walk
and getting stuck in the crevices.

At any rate, this is from whenst the funds being deceptively offered you were organically germinated.

 PLEASE PAY ATTENTION TO THE FOLLOWING:

The United Bank of Fawg International have issued a blank Draft  to which you add the sum of your

choosing in your favor, before trying to unsuccessfuly cash it at one of our off Piccadilly flop houses.
Note that one of the airline attendant will come to your the address whereupon she will take you
through the complete pre-flight demonstration of how to inflate your life vest stored hermetically
under your seat as protection from flatulent customers before and perhaps including you, in the
event of a water landing at sea, as a water landing in the desert is problematically less likely than
Hellary being president.
Oh whoops if that last was a trigger warning that caused you to foul yourself repeatedly.

Kindly Send Your full details
DELIVERY NAMES :
ADDRESS or PANTS :
CITY :
STATE :
ZIP CODE :
COUNTRY :
ALL CELL # :
MARITAL STATUS :

MARTIAL STATUS:
MARTIAN STATUS:
MARSUPIAL STATUS:

Once the full meaning of this missive has achieved cognitive recognition within

that which is left of your blighted mind after meth and sniffing glue with Lloyd
Bridges during the Airplane movie auditions, you are therefore expected to take the
unconscious monkey with one bent up cymbal to a place where it can be repaired

or at least replaced with a face palming Godzilla replica.
Your bank shall verify that they have no idea what any of this is about and will deny
knowing you or anyone that looks like you.  That generally won't take them more than
2 working days to tweet to cnn so they can have their fake news hounds Dan Rather and
Brian Williams misreport it and blame it on Russia, Fox News and a marmot in Summit
County.  

Mr Charles
United Kingdumb
CONTACT:   chairles112@gmail.com


The "social welfare" scammer didn't seem to see fit to follow up after an edit like that.

I wonder why...
 
 

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Saturday, March 11, 2017

*GONG* Slow

If this were The Gong Show, John Moore would be on his way out.

Yet another scammer that doesn't read initial replies so good.

Here's what he sprung on me:


Bank of America Corporate Office
10950 Medlock Bridge Rd, Duluth, GA 30097
Email: boa733@outlook.com
 
OUR REF: BOA/GA/0861
 
Dear Beneficiary,
 
After a brief meeting held today by the Management of the Bank of America Corporate Office, We deem it appropriate to inform you that your fund is about to be transfer to United States Treasury Account as directed due to your inability to complete the transaction and your failure to meet up with a minor payment obligation. Your funds totally $950,000.00 will be transfer into the government account next week.
 
This follows the directives of the state Treasurer, Mr. Steve McCoy that all unclaimed fund be transfer to the States Treasury Account in compliance to section 3, subsection 1(B) of the United States Financial Law enacted in 2001 after an attack on our dear country on September 11, 2001.
 
However, you have one last opportunity to receive your funds if you are ready to follow our instruction. Get back to us immediately so that we will remove your funds from the list of those funds to be seize by the Government that next week. Be inform that for your fund to be transfer to you, you only need to validate your fund file with the government of Benin Republic (fund originated country). You need only a file validation fee of $98 to the Benin ministry of finance to validate your fund file.
 
Once your fund file is validate, we will take over the transaction and I Mr. John B. Moore personal promise to oversee and ensure that your fund is appropriately transfer to you immediately. Mind you it is ONLY $98 that you are required to pay and no other fee is involve. mark my word. I will write to the Benin Republic  authority to know where you will send them the required file validation fee of $98 as soon as I had the go ahead order from you.
 
For your information, you have only five (5) working days to comply with the above order or your fund will be transfer to Treasury Account. We are waiting to hear from you as soon as possible.
 
Thanks for giving us the opportunity to serve your banking need.
 
Yours faithfully,
Mr. John B. Moore
Regional Director B.O.A Georgia
10950 Medlock Bridge Rd, Duluth, GA 30097  
 
Yea, Bank of America is going to be urging me to send $98 to some yutz in Benin.
 
At any rate, the email had been titled "Your Last Notification".  My response keyed on that:
 
 
I hope it's the last.  But I doubt it.  
 
That was enough for John Boy...to misinterpret:
 
We received your mail and we are glad to inform you that your fund valued $950,000.00 has just be removed from the list of those fund to be seize by the Government that next week. Also be inform that all is now ready for the release of your fund to you once we confirm $98 file validation payment from you. 
From information in my desk, You are to send the file validation fee of $98 to the Benin republic ministry of finance through Money-Gram or Western Union to below information.
Name.................................Alex Okey
Address/city.....................Porto-Novo
Country.............................Benin
Text question ...................When
Text Answer ....................Now
amount...........................$98.00
MTCN.................................
Send us the payment information once you make the payment for onward forward to the Benin republic authorities. As I stated in my previous mail to you, Once your fund file is validated, I Mr. John B. Moore personal promise to oversee and ensure that your fund is release to you immediately. mark my word. 
 
Thanks for giving us the opportunity to serve your banking need.
 
Sincerely, 
Mr. John B. Moore
Regional Director B.O.A Georgia
10950 Medlock Bridge Rd, Duluth, GA 30097  
 
 
Only $98?  Cheap bastage.  At any rate, it was time to channel my pet rock, Seymour, and go "minerals gone wild" in reply:
 
 
 To:  the alleged
Mr. John B. Moore
Regional Director B.O.A Georgia
10950 Medlock Bridge Rd, Duluth, GA 30097
 
I am so happy to see that your inability at comprehension has not changed over the years.
You're quite an online showperson:  you've contacted me many times over the years.  You've been a Somali refugee in a Senegal refugee camp.  You've been a foreign remittance and exchange manager for the Bank of Africa and Central Bank of Nigeria.  You've been a 21 year old Benin woman looking for succor and someone to perform it on.  You've been a South African bannister seeking clients.  You've been a Nigerian Illuminipplehead.  You've been a deposed Libyan dictator's illegitimate daughter's emu. 
 
 
You've been Mrs Mariam Abacha. 
 
You've even been Marowa Ayelolo, spell caster and promised that I would be dead before the end of 2015 because I made fun of you and your "magical powers".

 
Still here, Bunky.
Bottom line...you've been many things, and an abysmal *FAIL* at every one of them.
For your next role, I would suggest that you be the Billy Dale of West Africa, and do TV infomercials about bringing back The Gong Show and digging up all the deceased show originals to be on it; what's left of Chuck Barris can wear the silly hat and shuffle foot around the stage all coked up.
 

All the while ,you'll be running a Robert Tipton "Pastor Gas" telefon scam in the background.
 
You would have lots of peers and colleagues who would gleefully be contestants on the show, wearing fish on their heads and holding up signs proclaiming their abject stupidity.

 
You might even get Don Rickles to roast you.  Of course, he'd do it more figuratively than your neighbors.

 
Be sure to invite HON mark smith, aka Frank Godwin at frankgodwin@textnow.me; he's particularly stupid and gongable, and will even make Chuck Barris throw up.
Get back to me with more details of your scam, since you probably won't read this worth a sh*t.
 
Retired late actor & entremanure  
 
A short period of *Jeopardy Theme Music*, followed by:
 
 
I am no those people jerk.  Never write again.  
 
Thank you.  I most certainly will...and often.  
 
 
Don Rickles would maybe approve.  And give me a cookie before calling me a hockey puck and sending me away...
 

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Wednesday, March 8, 2017

The AlpacaLips Edit

Uh...not really.

No alpaca lips were harmed during the editing of this.

And this picture is not retouched. She really that big.

My pet rock, Seymour, has been out of sorts going into the New Year; I haven't given him any cards to shuffle.

"Oh PHFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT!!!"

That said -- and spewed -- he hasn't lost a beat with his editing.

Here's the start of a scam email that Seymour was only too happy to edit:


IMF WORLD REGULATORY OFFICE
INTERNATIONAL FUNDS REGULATORY AUTHORITY
INTER-CONTINENTAL DEBT RECONCILIATION DEPT.
FROM THE DESK OF: HONORABLE EDWARD ODIM   DIRECTOR

ATTENTION: PROVISION OF AFFIDAVIT OF CLAIM CERTIFICATE FOR LEGAL COVER/ PROTECTION OF US$17.5MILLION UNITED STATE DOLLARS IN YOUR FAVOR.

I AM RATHER SPEECHLESS AT THE MOMENT AS THE ANTICIPATION OF THIS LONG AWAITED MOMENT IS ABOUT TO ARRIVE. PERSONALLY, I WOULD ADVISE YOU TO GO AHEAD AND CONCLUDE THE REMITTANCE OF YOUR PAYMENT CONSIDERING YOU HAVE COME A LONG WAY PURSUING TO YOUR PAYMENT.  



Speechless as he claimed to be, he went on for many more paragraphs before he got to the rat killing, which was for my character to wire $95 to some nincompoop in the Benin Repugnant.

Uh huh.

Well, that's when my "editing gone wild" pet rock, Seymour, went into high lode:


From: DISHONORABLE EDWARD ODIM <contact@mongo.mn>
Sent: Thursday, January 5, 2017 12:30 PM
Subject: WTF WORLD DISBURSEMENT OFFICE OF COLLOSAL CONGLOMERATED GLOBS OF SOLIDIFIED FECES   

 
WTF WORLD DISBURSEMENT OFFICE OF COLLOSAL CONGLOMERATED GLOBS OF SOLIDIFIED FECES   
INTERNATIONAL WTF REGULATORY AUTHORITAH
INTER-CONTINENTAL DYSENETERY DISTRIBUTION EUNUCH
FROM THE SMARTER THAN THE DUMBASS THAT SITS AT ME DESK OF:  DISHONORABLE EDWARD ODIM, AKA   TAMPON LIPS

ATTENTION: PROVISION OF AFFIDOH! OF CLAM CERTIFICATE FOR LEGAL UNISEX CORN POLLINATION BY EXPLODING GALAXY 7 NOTEPADS IN YOUR FAVOR.

I AM RATHER SPEECHLESS AT THE MOMENT AS I READ WHAT SOME JERK DID TO MY EMAIL.  PERSONALLY, I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO SH*T OR WIND MY WATCH.  GUESS I WILL SH*T ON MY WATCH.

DRAGGING UNWILLING YAKS TO A GOAT ROPE AT THIS MOMENT WILL DO US NO GOOD AND PROBABLY MORE HARM AND DAMAGE.  YAKS ARE BIG AND TEND TOWARD SURLY WHEN YOU MENTION GOAT SEX OR EASING PAINFUL RECTAL ITCH WITH COCKLEBURR TAMPONS, SO I WILL ADVICE YOU TO AVOID POCKETS OF LEFTARDS FROM MINNEYSODA OR KALIFORLORNIA AND PROCEED DIRECTLY TO NEWARK, WHERE THINGS SUCK ALL THE TIME.  BECAUSE RIGHT NOW I DON'T KNOW WHAT ELSE TO SAY AS YOU KNOW THAT I AM ONLY A DOUCHE NOZZLED TWAT WAFFLE OF DUBIOUS ANTECEDENCE THAT MADE 8 XXXL PANTSUITS FOR HELLARY UNTIL SHE LOST THE ELECTION.  NOW I HAVE TO HOPE I CAN SELL THEM TO THE YAKS.

NOW LISTEN AND LISTEN VERY GOOD:  PHFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT!!!!   THAT WAS A THERAPY FART, BECAUSE THE BRITS HAVE DECLARED THAT SNIFFING FARTS HELPS WARD OFF DEMENTIA AND GETS YOU ELEVATORS BY YOURSELF.  I HAVE PROMISE YOU THAT I AM GOING TO WORK UP AN EF-5 FART THAT CLEARS TOLEDO.

I AM HAPPY THAT YOU HAVE EXPRESSED YOUR THOUGHT IN PAGAN AZERBAIJANI WHICH ONLY A CARTOON CHARACTER COYOTE CAN PURCHASE FROM THE ACME CORPORATION TO USE AGAINST A CORNISH GAME HEN WITH CHICKEN LEGS.  DUE TO YOUR PAST EXPERIENCE WITH DOUCHE CANOES I WOULD ADVICE YOU TO AVOID SEA VOYAGES WHERE WHALES FART THE MACARENA.  I MUST LET YOU KNOW THAT IT IS AGAINST MY DOCTORATE IN CRUSTACEAN OBEDIENCE TRAINING TO STEAL VIRGINITY FROM WALRUSES, AND GOD WILL FORCE ME TO DO YOUTUBE VIDEOS WITH CAMEL HAIRBALLS IF I AM HERE TO DECEIVE YOU.

I KNOW VERY WELL THAT KUMQUATS WILL RESPOND TO BONELESS NACHOS IF SCHOOLED IN THE LANGUAGE AND I MUST TELL YOU THAT TRIBULATION AND TRIAL WILL ONLY LAST UNTIL RECESS AND SEVERAL POSTPONEMENTS RESULTING IN A LACK OF EVIDENTIARY FINDING AND A POORLY CHOREOGRAPHED SKIT ON THE GONG SHOW THAT IS PREDICATED ON THE TELEPHONIC COMMUNICATION THAT SAYS YOU'RE A PIRANHA DORK.  THUS IT IS I, THEREFORE, ACCEPT AND CLAIM YOUR LAMINATED SNAKE SH*T COLLECTION.

I WISH TO LET YOU KNOW THAT IF I LIE TO YOU, IT'S JUST ME ACTING LIKE AN EX-FRIEND OF MINE.  EH.

ONCE YOU REPLACE YOUR NEGATIVE THOUGHTS WITH POSITIVE ONES, ODDBALL WON'T BLAME THE  MOTHER BEAUTIFUL BRIDGE NOT BEING THERE ON YOUR NEGATIVE WAVES SO EARLY IN THE MORNING, MORIARTY.  THINK THAT BRIDGE WILL BE THERE AND IT WILL BE THERE...IT'S A MOTHER BEAUTIFUL BRIDGE, AND IT'S GONNA BE THERE.  IF IT AIN'T, YOU DON'T WANT IN THIS THING YOU DON'T GET IN THIS THING...I CUT YOU OUT OF EVERYTHING.  SIXTY FEET OF BRIDGE I CAN PICK UP ALMOST ANYWHERE...SCHMUCK.

YOU WILL HAVE TO MAKE SURE THAT YOU COMPLETE YOUR COLONOSCOPY BEFORE BEING FITTED FOR A COCKLEBURR TAMPON, SHOULD YOU WISH TO COMPLETE YOUR FITTING WITH THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT OF BENIN REPUBLIC.  THEY HAVE A 100% DON'T GIVE A SH*T NON-GUARANTEE IF YOU'RE NOT SATISFIED.

NOTE THAT ALL ARRANGEMENTS HAS BEEN COMPLETED FOR THE IMMEDIATE TRANSFER OF 500 YAKS FROM SIBERIA TO THE BASEMENT OF THE DNC.  SOMETHING IS NEEDED TO IMPROVE THE SMELL DOWN THERE.  

NOW LISTEN VERY GOOD, I AM NOT HERE TO PLAY SPANK THE MONKEY OR CHOKE THE CHICKEN OR SH*IT 'N GO BLIND OR ANY PARLOUR TRICKS WITH MINATURE ALLIGATORS.  IF THIS TRANSACTION IS NOT FOR REAL -- AND IT ISN'T -- THEN I HAVE MADE WASTE OF MY TIME AND THE LAST 24 HOURS OF FOOD I ET.  AND THE ONLY THING WHY I AM FIGHTING AND WORKING HARD TO EDIT THIS EMAIL BADLY IS TO PISS OFF THE SANDPOUNDINGLY STUPID NIPPLEHEAD THAT WAS SO STUPID THAT HE HAD TO HAVE HIS DESK WRITE AND SEND IT.

  BE GUARANTEED AND ASSURED THAT YOUR SATISFACTION ENDS AT A SONG BY THE ROLLING STONES.

 NOTE THAT EVERY NECESSARY ARRANGEMENT HAS BEEN CONCLUDED TO PROTECT LOCALLY AGAINST ANYONE PLAYING THE BROWN NOTE IN A PUBLIC VENUE.  WE SAW HOW THAT WENT FOR YOKO OHNO AND THE REST OF THE WORLD ON THAT SOUTH PARK EPISODE.  THIS IS MAKING OF THIS INTERNATIONAL STRINGENT MEASURE IMPOSED BY INTERNATIONAL STRINGENT MAKERS TO TRACK DOWN ILLEGAL MONKEY LAUNDRY ACTIVISTS AND TERRORIST SPONSORS OF THE DNC AND CLINTON CRIMEDATION.

ASSUMING THERE IS NO BOND, MI 6 CAN TAKE THE YEAR OFF WHILE SPECTRE FINDS SOMETHING TO DO FOR HELLARY AND JOHN "PUFFY LIPS" PODESTA.

THIS LETTER IS OUR 100% CONDITIONAL GUARANTEE OF NOT ONE F**KING THING TO YOU.

FINALLY, WE UNCONDITIONALLY AND IRREVOCABLY GUARANTEE TO YOU THAT IF A THREE PECKERED GOAT GETS LOOSE IN A EWE CONVENT, IT'S GOING TO MAKE FOR A POTENTIALLY VIRAL VIDEO ON YOUTUBE.

USE BELOW INFORMATION TO MOCK AND DENIGRATE IN ANY LANGUAGE YOU KNOW OR THINK YOU KNOW TODAY

RECEIVERS NAME:  DAN BABOON ASS FACE
COUNTRY: BENIN REPUBLIC
CITY: COTONOU
SENDERS NAME:  DIXIE NORMOUS
AMOUNT: $95.00 USD
TEXT QUESTION:  WTF
TEXT ANSWER: YOU TF
SENDERS ADDRESS:
M.T.C.N NUMBER:

WE WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT WE ARE INDEED VERY VERY UNSORRY FOR ANY INCONVENIENCES; THAT'S WHAT WE'RE ABOUT:  INCONVENIENCES.

CONFIRM THE RECEIPT OF THIS E-MAIL BY YOU IMMEDIATELY AND BE REST ASSURED THAT YOU WILL BE PISSING UP A ROPE ONCE YOU COMPLY WITH THE ABOVE DIRECTIVES NOW.

YOUR URGENT RESPONSE TO THIS E-MAIL NOW WILL GO A LONG WAY IN GIVING US SOMETHING TO LAUGH ABOUT IN OUR FLY INFESTED INTERNET CAFE THAT ONLY HAS A PICTURE OF NANCY PELOSI'S BOTOXED ASS WHILE SHE LIGHTS FARTS.  RESPOND BACK IMMEDIATELY.


DISHONORABLE EDWARD ODIM
WTF WORLD DISBURSEMENT OFFICE OF COLLOSAL CONGLOMERATED GLOBS OF SOLIDIFIED FECES   
"FULL OF SH*T FOR AS LONG AS WE'VE BEEN DOING THAT VOODOO THAT WE DO SO WELLLLLLLLLLLLLLL"

The one word response this edit got from the scammer has been applied to me and my characters many times in the past.  Now Seymour gets to be the "basterd".

*Pet rock face palm*

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