Monday, October 16, 2017

Let's Fake A Deal

Leave it to a scammer to provide me with an opening to recall a famous TV game show from the 1960s-70s.

To see what I mean, feast your eyes on the following scam email:


Greetings,

I am surprised that you did not respond to my previous message till  now. Let me kindly introduce myself again, my name is Mr. Chris Odili.   I am contacting you to see if we can make a deal. I discovered an  unclaimed inheritance fund in our bank.

Actually I don’t have to involve myself officially because of my
position in the Bank but I know what will be required to release the
fund to you and I assure you it is very safe too. Please get back to
me now for more details:

May God bless your golden heart and soul.

Faithfully Yours,
Chris.



Never mind the assured safety of the transaction or my alleged "golden heart and soul" (which proves he don' know me vewy well, do he?)..my inner *TOING* was in the first paragraph, and from thence I runneth literarily amuck:


I hadn't responded to your message because until now you hadn't sent me one you simpering dolt. Check your email and try again.  But now that you've sent me one, I can respond to it.

Let's Make A Deal was a game show that had quite a following at one time. So, what happens if I choose what's behind Door #2?


This is serious business please. What are you talk about a number 2 door?

To the people that worked on it, Let's Make A Deal was a serious show. Please do not belittle their brand of serious by falsely elevating your own. And there is a significant different between what's behind Door #2, and a number 2 door. Please look into it and get back to me when you've achieved enlightenment.


Are we going to do business or not?

It depends on your degree of enlightenment and if you understand the difference between what's behind Door #2 and a number 2 door. A zen philosopher could sort you out in a minute on this. Got one? 



After a few days, it would appear that Chris Odili either didn't have a zen philosopher available, or he settled for what was behind Curtain #3, which explains both the *ZONK* and his change of mind about making a deal with me.

Too bad, too:  I really did want to know what was behind Door #2...

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Friday, October 13, 2017

Sister Act

Yes, my pet rock Seymour realizes that this is a depiction of Kim Jong-Il, not Kim Jong-un.

Seymour simply doesn't care.

When it's time to edit his favorite pudgepot to edit, Seymour's in for anything.

"Am NOT!!!"

Okay...almost.

Take Seymour's latest edit of the breaking story about Kim Jong-un promoting his sister...and see what my perverse pet rock dun widdit:

North Korea: Kim Jong-un promotes incest with sister Kim Yo-jong


By Seymour PetRock – WTFNS

North Korea’s leader Kim Jong-un has promoted incest with his younger sister and ordered the secretive country’s neutered politburo to sanctify it.

Kim Yo-jong has been clear that Kim Jong-un's “suggestion” is “poopycork”, carefully reported the North Korean state media.

“It shows that she ain't gonna take it laying down or in any other position,” said Michael Roweddaboatashore, a North Korea expert at Hop Johnskins Eunuchversity.

For gender neutrality adherents, Kim Yo-jong is inside da coicle

The changes were announced after a meeting of the country’s central committee of the ruling Workers’ party, during which Kim said his nuclear programme were a “powerfur detergent that guaranteed overtaking Keeping Up With The Kardashians on cable TV”.

He then had his press secretary and about a dozen of the North Korean state media executed for teleprompter gaffes.

Amid rumours that Kim Jong-un’s sister is having an affair with Dennis Rodman, we examine why Stephen Colbert looks like such a dork. Then again, who cares about bent ears?




Kim Jong Suk and Kim Jong Dung, two of the surviving men behind Kim’s programme ideas, were also promoted amid a wider reshuffle and an increasingly tense stand off between Pyongyang and Trey Parker and Matt Stone – originators of South Park and Team America World Police – over their refusal to make a sequel starring Kim Jong-un, thwarting his Oscar ambitions.


Officials in Washington have attempted not to laugh too much at Colbert's ears.


Following North Korea’s most noteworthy kimshi fart that shook geography as far away as Wonson,

South Korea’s unification ministry said Kim’s promotions could be an attempt by North Korea to force Liechtenstein to return a missing North Korean sub and other sandwiches.

“The large-scale personnel reshuffle reflects that Kim Jong-un is into drugs and alcohol seriously, and that he’s looking to control the flock of pink elephants that invaded his palace recently,” the ministry said in a statement.


Like all members of North Korea’s ruling Kim dysentery, details of Kim Yo-jong’s bowels don't really interest us in this article. Yuck.

Kim Yo-jong has long been an enigma in North Korea’s porn industry and was recently given responsibility for developing the leader’s hair cut and stomach protrusion. South Korean media recently reported that she had replaced a veteran propaganda chief with a slow leaking Hellary sex toy and had assumed that the increasingly screechy squeak was common among American left leaking political failures.

In January, the US Treasury rejected placing Kim Yo-jong along with Barack Insane Obola on food stamps. A landmark moment of “DUH!!!” came for the rest of the world when the UN reported in 2016 that there was torture, execution and arbitrary imprisonment, deliberate starvation and an almost complete lack of free thought and belief in the country. And for once, the UN meant North Korea.

This really pissed Kim Jong-un off. He said the situation proved that North Korea’s policy of byungjin dyungjin fyungjin poopycork – the parallel development of painful rectal itch through the economy – was “absorutery right”.

In recent weeks, North Korea has launched two members of state media that displeased Kim over Japan and conducted a poll to see if Kim Jong-un is more popular among kneeling nfl players that support Antifa, and was confused to find out that no one was wearing Kim Jong-un t-shirts at West Point yet.

North Korea is preparing to test a pencil necked American leftist professor to see if he can help swing the next American election to Miley Cyrus, according to a Russian lawmaker who had just returned from a visit to cnn.


North Korean state media, which operates as the regime butt vacuum, announced that several other Russians all verified that Colbert's ears did look bent and funny.


Two women are currently on trial in Malaysia accused of photoshopping Kim Jong-un in place of Kim Kardashian with an unsuspecting Kanye West earlier this year.


The women, one Indonesian and the other Vietnamese, have pleaded not guilty by wearing vagina costumes and claiming that Anthony Weiner claimed to be Donald Trump and offered them top places in the Miss America Dog Pageant in Berkeley in 2018, and say they were duped into believing they were playing a harmless prank for a cnn hidden agenda. Four North Korean suspects wearing bent-earred Stephen Colbert masks were allowed to fly home in a prisoner exchange with a Liechtensteinian gerbil named Otto.


Seymour keeps taking these edits further and further from Pulitzer material, and ever closer to Onion territory.

"Do NOT!!!  PHFFFFFFFFFFFT!!!"

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Tuesday, October 10, 2017

What's Under YOUR Secretary?

Why THIS picture you ask?

Well, when one gets an email from an undersecretary, it leads one to wonder what might be UNDER that secretary, right?

Well, it does if you're me.

At any rate, here is a less than convincing email from an undersecretary...of International Affairs:


DEPARTMENT OF INT'L AFFAIRS
(Office of the Under Secretary)
1500 Pennsylvania Avenue NW
Washington D.C. 20220.
Attention: Beneficiary,
I am Mr.Steven Terner Mnuchin, the formal partner of Goldman Sachs and hedge fund manager. I'm the newly appointed United States Secretary of the Treasury  Department and was sworn in as the 77th Secretary of the United States Department of the Treasury of the administration of President Donald Trump, and Vice President Mike Pence.
Following series of complains from Citizens of the United States as well as Citizens of Other Countries In Europe over the Discrepancies and fraudulent ways in which fund transfers are handled by Africans which has made it impossible for a lot of People to claim their Winning prize or Inheritance funds from most African Countries due to frauds and illegal activities, A decision was reached recently by the United States Treasury Department under the authority of the White House to compel African Financial bodies (Banks) to urgently release all funds of Asian, American and European citizens and other geographic continents  that are trapped in most Banks and Courier Companies in Africa. It was discovered that some bureaucratic bottlenecks was put by these Banks and Couriers to make it impossible for beneficiaries to claim their funds so that they will fraudulently divert those funds to their private accounts.
Consequent upon the aforementioned, I was personally mandated to handle this matter to ensure that all funds of our Citizens and others countries which are fraudulently being trapped in African Banks are urgently retrieved and paid to the actual Beneficiaries under a legal manner. Our team of experts were delegated to Benin Republic, Nigeria, Ivory Coast and Ghana for this task and we discovered your File NO: BR227/9005666/00 as unclaimed fund.It was discovered that officials of the Bank has only put up illegal requirements in order to make it difficult for you to claim your fund.
The United States Department of Treasury has retrieved all Files of illegal transactions and all has been arrested for this act . however, we will be working under a legitimate arrangement to ensure that you follow the normal process to receive your fund.You are requested to Re-confirm the following information to Dr bryan mills.
1. YOUR NAME: 
2. AGE :
3. PHONE NUMBER AND FAX:
4. ADDRESS:
5. AMOUNT TO BE CLAIMED: $5.500,000.00usd
6. DRIVER LICENSE:
7. SEX :
Be informed that the above information will only enable us to make due confirmation.  We shall ensure that normal process is followed to ensure that your fund gets to you without delay or any unwarranted fees .
Contact Dr bryan mills who is in charges of paying you your trapped fund and he is right now in Benin Republic as the Legal Practitioner to United States Department of Treasury e-Mail below:
Contact Person: Dr bryan mills  Email:( bryanmills@onet.pl )
His phone number +229-99686380
Yours in Service
Mr.Steven T Mnuchin
(Under Secretary)  
 
 
Actually, Mnuchin IS Secretary of the Treasury, not an under secretary.  But meh.
 
Now we come to that part of the show wherein you get to see what the edit that went back to the scammer looked like.  It isn't pretty:
 

DEPARTMENT OF INT'L AFFAIRS
(Office of Who's Under The Secretary)
1500 Pennsylvania Avenue NW
Washington D.C. 20220.
YOUR CANTALOUPE GOT PEED ON
I am rather at a loss to explain the validity of this email to anyone, let alone a formal partner of Goldman Sachs and hedge fund manager.
I'm the newly disappointed that I am not directing Nick at Nite episodes of Laverne & Shirley in syndication in Liechtenstein.  I'm sure that it's a thing there.
This email was originally supposed to say some cornvoluptuous crap about the United States Secretary of the Treasury Department being sworn at 77 times in 180 languages -- I used crummy core math, 'nuff said -- and the current Secretary of the United States Department of the Treasury, if you ask, will not approve of this message.  Massage, yes, but not this.
Following series of complains from Citizens of the United States as well as Citizens of Other Countries In Europe over the Discrepancies and fraudulent ways in which cnn totally screws the news --  which has made it impossible for a lot of nippleheads at cnn to run for president in 2020 -- frauds and illegal activities are SOP there. 
It ain't any better at pmsnbc.
A decision was reached recently by the United States Treasury Department under the authority of the White House to compel constipated mathematicians to quit working it out with a pencil, only to turn around and sell the damned things when kids go back to school.  Yuck.
African Financial bodies (Banks) are being restricted to rivers, because the ones involved in money laundering schemes need rivers for the porpoise.  They won't see what I just did there, but you might.
It is a little knowd fact that cockatoos, threes and fours are trapped in most Banks and Courier Companies in Africa. It never pays to fly in at closing time.  It was discovered that some bureaucratic bottle necks, pencil necks and rubber necks was put by these Banks and Couriers to make it impossible for record DJs to grab Taylor Swift by the cheeksters in a photo-op.  Ask one what tried. 
 
Consequent upon the aforementioned, I was personally mandated to handle the cheeksters of someone other than Taylor Swift; as luck would have it, I drew Mona Lisa.  And in that drawing, you don't see her cheeksters. 
 
Ha...the laughs on me.  And the courts.  And lawyers.  And kumquat addicted water buffalo.
This matter -- to ensure that all of our Citizens and others countries which are fraudulently being trapped in African Banks with cockatoos, threes and fours -- are provided protective covers from the droppings.  Our team of experts were delegated to Benin Republic, Nigeria, Ivory Coast and Ghana for this task and we expect that they've been eaten by the locals at a gala fete.  Fine young cannibals are not a band there, but a way of life.
The United States Department of Treasury has retrieved all Files of illegal transactions at the DNC and all should has been arrested for this act.  However, rumor has it that cnn photoshopped a picture of the president leaving a Motel 6 with an inflatable Hillary at 3am two months ago, and they have threatened to go 24/7 coverage on the fake news story if Ivanka doesn't do a bikini shoot for Sports Illustrated.  We rather think this a good idea, in that the inflatable Hillary only leaks and squeaks, anyway, and has no idea why she's not up 50 points.
 
63 million Americans could tell her and should before she deflates.
With all that said, we want your informations for a fake poll on Donald Trump's approval rating:
1. YOUR NAME: 
2. AGE :
3. PHONE NUMBER AND FAX:
4. ADDRESS:
5. OR A PANTS SUIT:
6. DRIVER LICENSE:
7. SEX :
8. WE DON'T MEAN SEX WITH YOUR DRIVER LICENSE:
9. UNLESS IT'S GOOD?
Be informed that the above information will only enable us to make appointments for your competency hearing.  We shall ensure that normal process is abandoned in favor of debauchery with sock puppets without delay or any unwarranted fees.
Contact Dr bryan mills who is in charges of explaining to his handlers what happened to this email:
Contact Person: Dr bryan mills
His phone number +229-99686380
I picked the wrong week to quit sniffing thongs of sumo wrestlers,
Bill Clinton
(Under Secretary Doing Things)
 
I'm shocked that the secretary didn't get back to me on this.
 
He might be trying to figure out who's under him.
 
 


 

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Saturday, October 7, 2017

Another Google Translate FAIL

I love getting non-English emails from scammers.

I love it more when I reply in a slaughtered version of their lingo, and they don't bother to notice.

Take for example this missive from Anne Marie Perier (which she also spells with two 'r's), sent to me in French:


Bonjour,
Je vous contact concernant un projet humanitaire que je tiens à réaliser dans votre pays car je vais mettre à votre disposition tout les moyens financiers nécessaires pour sa réalisation. Ce projet consiste à venir en aide aux personnes vulnérables telles que: les enfants de la rue, les orphelins,les démunies sans-abris etc... Si vous estimez que vous pouvez donner à ces pauvres personnes vulnérables un espoir et joie de vivre à travers ce projet, alors faites moi savoir votre avis afin que nous puissions échanger d'avantage. Je suis hospitalisée en Amérique où une maladie me confine. La  providence divine m’oriente vers vous.

Merci de me  joindre à mon adresse e-mail privée pour
plus ample explication:

Anne Marie PERIER
E-mail: annemarieperrier@hotmail.fr  



Using the good ol' Gooble Transloot, it came out like h'yar:

Hello,
  I am contacting you about a humanitarian project that I want to carry out in your country because I will put at your disposal all the financial means necessary for its realization. This project involves helping vulnerable people such as: street children, orphans, homeless people, etc. If you feel that you can give these poor vulnerable people a hope and a joy to live Through this project, then let me know your opinion so that we can exchange more. I am hospitalized in America where a disease confines me. Divine Providence directs me to you.

  Thank you for joining my private e-mail address for
  More explanation:

  Anne Marie PERIER
  E-mail: annemarieperrier@hotmail.fr  


I didn't need the transloot feature to reply; I just used that good ol' 'Merican know how and replied thus:

Bonchance monamee...pastry resistant save ze bone le messy bird coup ala le foch oop monsieur.  


That must have suggested to the scammer that her intended victim was, in fact, an American, because she replied in translated English:


Thank you for bringing considerable attention to my humble self and my alarm, as I announced in my previous email I like to make a donation in someone with noble and sincere and very honest. I think that I am not wrong direction by sending you this message because my intuition lead me to you. I am filled with joy and gladness because you can not understand how many times I have joy in your heart to believe that at least someone thought about me and understood my words. The name of the Lord be praised because he never forgets his children crying up to him.  

"She" then went on to explain the story of her life, which was the dead husband/family in a plane crash (which was "produced in New York") and how she contacted cancer, and her doctor urged her to find someone to leave everything to, the bulk of which was to go to charity.

Yada...yada...yada.

That brought us to Edit Time as I did some creative adjusting of her life story:



STORY OF MY LIFE (coming out as a two part mockumentary on A&E in an extended episode of Pawn Stars):
 
I introduce myself, my name is Anne Marie Perier; I am a French-Ugandan when hatched but decided to reside in Africa mainly Benin due to the incredulous population of flies here.
I was married to my sex therapist Friar ROBERT KIRK ARTHUR LOGGINS MESSINA ABERCROMBIE FINCH of American-Uranus nationality, of glorious memory, with whom I had no children because he was too busy sodomizing daffodils to have any time to poke me.  I Lost my husband and his last crop of sodomized daffodils in the plane crash that it was produced in New York on Broadway for a two show a night run that had a bad showing because they billed it The Miracle Whip On The East River.  It didn't compete well with Clint Eastwood's movie but I digress. 

My late plant fornicator was taking the sodomized daffodils to appear on some poorly rated show on CNN while I was away in Benin because I was a former consultant of my country France to Uganda, which isn't near Benin, but kinda is depending on how you fail geography like I did.  I was shocked by this tragedy happened, because buried in the dirt of the daffodils were all of my documents proving that I was Elvis in my previous life.  But I can do nothing against the goat head baphomet my local witch doctor wields like a bent Oscar because I believe and I have faith that he is a douche canoe.

This tragedy probed me to another side of life (bent over like an elevator, waiting for my shaft) because I not only lost the only man I've ever seen sodomize daffodils, but I lost the only man who ever proved it could be done.  

Since then I continue to live in this perdition in which joy, happiness and love are three migrant rapists from Syria, from whom I contracted a disease after several hospital interventions in Benin without good result I had been evacuated to Paris, Texas, to follow the medical care in the hope of more speedy Mexican take out delivery.  I traveled to Paris, Texas, thinking it was in the UK where my doctor diagnosed me a burrito supreme that is already in its final phase. After a long discussion with my Doctor on my property, he advised me to try the bacon tostada next time; it causes less gas.

After having sex with the doctor on that hospital bed, I always begged him not to see me as a daffodil to be sodomized; fortunately, he don't know how to do that so I am just regularly poked now.

I do not have enough time because I do not know when and what time my soul will be turned off, but the TV signs off at 1am here...Texas is peculiar.

I leave you the number of my doctor in case you need to have information about how he rates me as a lay:   +447035978955
Now I am a sexual free agent, so in short order to take possession of my sexual assets I suggest you contact my private notary MASTER Ibrahima BAH, a goat head baphomet,  for the procedure for the transfer of ownership of my vaginal assets.
Notary Ibrahima BAH
Bar Order of Parasheep
Phone: 00-229-98 81 47 31
My mental situation is not stable -- duh -- so you have everything to go as fast as possible. Here are below the information about my sexual assets you will need to provide my Notary. After putting contacted me about.
SEND THIS TEXT TO THE EMAIL ADDRESS: maitrebahibrahima@mail.com
MASTER of BAH IBRAHIMA
Hello,
Just as the recipient of the Anne Marie PERIER goods French national currently hospitalized in Amerique. She holds a degree in crustacean obedience training from the International Crustacean Obedience Training Institute in Vaduz, Liechtenstein.  Her credentials are:
Holder Safe: Anne-Marie PERIER
Number of Vaginal assets:  1
secret security code: NENIBBI20041
Contained:  vaginal cuckoo that emits audible cuckoo farts on the hour
Other information:
ANV / XX2203
Rewind code: 01011
Furthermore, what is the process that can allow me to gain possession of one of the more exotic sex organs ever conceived?
NAME: ................................................ .........................
NAME: ................................................ .......................
SEX: ................................................ .............................
AGE: ................................................ ..............................
FULL ADDRESS: ........................................... .... .........
COUNTRY: ................................................ ............................
CITY :................................................ ............................
PHONE:................................................ .....................
PROFESSION:................................................ ...................
E-MAIL:................................................ ...........................
Thank you for your kind understanding.
God bless you in case you just sneezed...  
 
This got no further repartee from Madam Perier, but it drew one comment from her notary, the infamous BAH:
 
 
what is wrong with you
 
 
What is right with you?  
 
 
Notary Bah had no response to that; probably too busy trying to figure out the sexual mechanics of violating daffodils...
  

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Wednesday, October 4, 2017

Wang A Lang A Ding Dong

These faces of shock and anguish will make more sense soon.  Or soonerer.

Sometimes when scammers come to call, they use intermediaries.  Including those who don't realize that their email has been hijacked for the purpose of forwarding a scam.

Like this one that was sent from a Sally Payne, using what appeared to be a UK based university email address:


 Humanitarian Work (Revised). Ms. Zhe Wang picked you, 
please do contact her on (wangz6611@gmail.com)  to 
know why you receiving this e-mail  thank you!  
 
 
My character was quick to respond to both email addresses thus:
 
 
Sounds like you're hooked up with a wang no one wants.  See what I just did there?  
 
 
After three days, that drew this response from the alleged Ms Payne:
 
 
Oh my, that wasn't me!  I think my email has been hacked!  Please disregard anything further like that.  
 
 
My character was quick to assure Ms Payne:
 
 
No problem, Mustang Sally.  I'll focus on the Wangster that apparently did hijack your email.  
 
 
Nothing further from there, so I don't know if she appreciated the 'Mustang Sally' reference or not.
 
Meantime, it took Ms Zhe Wang a few more days to get her act together before came this (pardon the length, but you want the full of it):
 
 
Dear Beneficiary,

Thank you for your feedback. I'm pleased to read your letter of
acceptance as my last beneficiary to receive my donation for
$3,800,000.00 USD to you. Allow me to formally introduce myself, I am
Ms. Zhe Wang from Mississauga , Ontario. Canada, my jackpot was a gift
from God and on behalf of my family and I, we have decided to do God’s
will by donating to you , charity home and Organizations that will be
of help to eradicating poverty in the lives of our Young and Old
generations in different locations around the world because as a woman
that I am . Am a mother and I know what it feels like to be helpless
in today's life that we all are living in.

Anyway After seeking financial advice from our legal counsel and other
organization(s) have partnered with to enhance this project, I have
decided to commence a charity foundation/projects for this year 2017,
and also use the opportunity to give out cash grant worth of $3.8
million dollars each to at least (7) persons to become millionaires
like I of which (6) people have benefited and received theirs , we
have also decided to help Christians, Muslims and unbeliever’s from
any Part of the world, we can help the needy and less privileged if we
both ( You and I ) agree to follow the instructions guiding this
organization/charity project in the same way my other six
beneficiaries agreed and oblige to the instructions given to them .
Note: It is also our intention to make out donations to charity
projects and the less privileged all over the world and I already have
a charity home as we speak , you will see full details below on the
link's.

I decided not to do any news flash or video coverage on my winnings
because people are busy using good/great philanthropist details both
male and female to hurt innocent people out there and the Ontario
Lottery and Gaming Corp (OLG) respected my decision because the whole
issue is getting out of hand this days.

I will appreciate it if you view the link's below for better
understanding , so that you know for sure with a 100% mind-set that
what am doing is for the betterment of mankind;

To confirm this, you may view below when I won my lottery on the webpage link;
http://www.cbc.ca/news/canada/toronto/mississauga-woman-claims-64m-jackpot-1.3490469

Here is a link which also shows my beneficiaries who have benefited
from my grant donation before you;
http://zhewangdonatn.16mb.com/


I know this may come as a big surprise but It will interest you to
know that your email address was selected alongside other 6 lucky
email addresses out of millions of internet users worldwide. Random
selection was done by the legal advisers to this donation
program/project declaring YOU as a lucky individual for a cash grant
of 3.8 million dollars from me.

I may not know you, but I believe if you were chosen by God to receive
my donation of $3,800,000.00 USD you must be a God fearing individual
irrespective of your religion or belief no matter your ethnicity, I am
Muslim and I believe that Good things happens to those people who wait
and also believe in Allah ( God ) . I was running around and doing all
sort of jobs to make sure my kids have the best education and live a
comfortable life before God in his infinite mercy blesses us with so
much money, I have always prayed that God should help me and I was not
surprised when I won my Power-ball Jackpot because I always knew God
has a plan in my life, although I bought my winning ticket in October
17th, 2015 and unknowingly for me I won and when the OLG corporation
told me to come claim my winnings it was a miracle to me and I was
amazed , I decided to start this Donation Project this year 2017
because I had a lot doing with building of my charity homes and other
charity programmes I started at 2015 and all through 2016.

Note: You will be required to set up an online temporary debit
offshore account in your name with my pay-out bank where my
$3,800,000.00 USD will be lodged and agreed by my attorney who said
that all donated funds to my beneficiaries MUST be completed through
the use of Online banking system so I can maintain a better and secure
communication.

This may sound like a joke or may be surprising to you but please have
no doubt as it is 100% real...Hence to facilitate the payment process
of this funds ($3,800,000.00 USD) which have been donated solely to
you, you are to fill and send back to me your full details below so
that we can proceed with further questioning on what you will be doing
with the money when it finally enters your account.

Ps: Am not begging or pleading with you to accept my donation , if you
can't pay the account opening fee all by yourself which you will  be
required to pay by my pay-out bank to enable you access my donation
funds to you , please kindly delete this message and don't respond
back.

FILL BELOW:
Name:
Address:
Country:
State:
Sex:
Telephone:
Occupation:
Age:

I only want to feel happy and excited knowing that I  have helped save
a lot of people and when I meet my creator I know that I have no
errors in my book of life , this is the only thing that makes me happy
because each day I go out when I haven't won my lottery , I see the
way people suffer out there and it's my duty to put smiles on people's
faces.  I will advise you as the prospective lucky winner to be calm
not to lose this great opportunity when been asked by my pay-out Bank
to pay few dollars for account opening fee to enable you access your
account before you can transfer your funds which millions of people
are trying to entangled and are praying for such opportunity but the
chances just couldn’t come for them because a lot of people are out
there to discourage them as they don't know how it works, and have
never seen such before. Please you have to delete this message if you
are not willing to receive this donation.

Thank you and God bless you.
Ms. Zhe Wang  
 
As I said, full of it.
 
I was quick to seize on her reading comprehension:
 
 
I'm glad to see your reading comprehension is so not good.  
 
 
It didn't improve immediately:
 
 
I just want to believe that my contacting you was the wish of the
almighty .Remember that the blessing of God comes by favour and God
does not choose failures but champions, I hope you were not too
embarrassed by my first email to you since you do not know me.

God directed me to you , because he knows you are the best person to
do this for me and for the needy people .The funds is really not my
problem and I have prayed already and I believe that God has answered
my prayers that is why I want to make sure that I use some one to
disburse it to charity and good lucrative business to create more job
opportunity to help jobless and needy people in your locality.

FILL BELOW:
Name:
Address:
Country:
State:
Sex:
Telephone:
Occupation:
Age:

If interested i shall be waiting your response and assurance.

Thank you and God bless you.
Ms. Zhe Wang  
 
 
Was there something embarrassing in your first mail?  
 
 
No but just that you do not know me before that is why.  


Perhaps customs are different in your country.  Merely receiving an email from someone I do not know doesn't generally cause embarrassment, unless it contains pornographic images in it.

If yours did not, then I don't imagine it was embarrassing.  See above to gauge what I might consider pornographic and therefore, embarrassing.  
 
 
I did not send you something like that.  
 
 
I'm just saying that something like that from a stranger would be embarrassing, and there isn't much stranger than something like that from a stranger.  Kapish?
 
 
Okay no problem about that I understand so let move on send me the Information's
that I have requested so that I can know whom I am dealing with.
Immediately I have received it, I shall send you the contact of the
bank where the money his.

FILL BELOW:
Name:
Address:
Country:
State:
Sex:
Telephone:
Occupation:
Age:

Ms. Zhe Wang.

 

You've been writing to me and only NOW you're concerned with whom you're dealing with?  Wazzup widdat?    


Please send to me the informations I ask for so we can begin with the bank where the money his.   


The money has a sex?  Really???  And all this time I thought money was printed, not procreated.  The things you can learn from strangers in the night. 
 I am not understand what you are speaking to.  Please follow my instructions. 

I am not sure where your instructions are leading...gendered money?  You've just triggered a whole generation of easily upset cupcakes on college campuses with that one.


Are you going to send the informations not here?


I'm not sure where your "not here" is.  Is that where I send it, or do I send it somewhere other than?  The gendered money thing has Barbie and Ken in a bit of a therapy need.


If you are not interested do not write more.  


What's the significance if I write "less" as opposed to "more"?  Is this another cultural thing that'll trigger gender neutrals that you just told have gender assigned money in their wallets?  You realize that you're ramping up quite a need of safe rooms and puppy videos here.


And with that, Ms Zhe Wang ended our correspondence, and all without clarifying what gender was in her wallet...


 

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Sunday, October 1, 2017

ATM Cards Can DO That?

There will be a moment...an oh, so brief moment...when this picture will fit in perfectly with the email scam edit.

Yes, 'twill.

I do love how the UN is forever having their name taken in vain by scammers.  Then again, the UN has, especially in the 21st Century, become quite the scam itself.

Be that as it is, here's the latest scam effort using the UN and ATM cards:


UNITED NATIONS ORGANIZATION 1775 K ST NW # 400
WASHINGTON D.C., DC 20006-1500, UNITED STATES
TEL/FAX: +1-206-202-1160 
 
 
Attn: Beneficiary, 
 
PAYMENT ORDER VIA ATM VISA CARD 
 
We have actually been authorized by United Nations New Secretary-General Antуnio Guterres, and the governing body of the UNITED NATIONS Monetary Unit to ensure you receive your approved USD 800,000.00 (EIGHT HUNDRED THOUSAND UNITED STATE DOLLARS) your accrued interest Payment from United Nations Organization through Benin Republic government in West Africa. We have discovered with dismay that your payment has been unnecessarily Delayed by corrupt officials of the Bank in West Africa Benin Republic who are Trying to divert your funds into their private accounts. To forestall this, security for your funds was organized in the form of your personal Identification number (PIN) ATM VISA CARD and this will enable only you to have direct Control over your funds in the ATM CARD. We are happy to inform you that based on our recommendation/Instructions; your complete Inheritance funds have been credited in your favor through ATM VISA CARD. You are therefore advi ce to contact our Agent i 
 
Agent Name:  Mr. James Copeland
Mobile Number:  +229-98-53-5365
 
Contact him for the issuance and the delivery of your ATM Card and make sure your ATM CARD is activated before delivery to your postal address as instructed. As soon as you establish a contact with him, an ATM card will be issued to you immediately. Send the following information’s as stated below to avoid wrong delivery: 
 
1. Your Full Name:
2. Your postal address:
3. Your Age: 
4. Occupation:
5. Mobile Numbers: 
 
We expect your urgent response to this matter to enable us monitor this payment to avoid further delay. 
 
Congratulations in Advance as you follow instructions. 
 
Yours in Service. 
 
Mrs Susan Graham
United Nations  
 
 
After a wee bit of editing, the email went back to the originator, along with about 100 of the originators pals and colleagues, along with one douche nozzle and a party of twat waffles:
 
 
UNITED NATIONS DISORGASMANATION
1775 K ST NW # 400
WASHINGTON D.C., DC 20006-1500
TEL/FAX: +1-206-202-1160
PLS LEAVE ALL MSGS IN AZERBAIJANI OR WE CANNOT RESPOND 
 
Attn: YOUR ATM CARD HAVE GENITAL WARTS  
 
This is incredible...we have actually been authorized by United Nations New Suckretary-Genital Antуnio Guterres, and the governing body of the UNITED NATIONS Monkeytary Eunuchs to assure you that the ATM card we fabricated in our Third World factory for doing this on your behalf have been fabricated with authentic genital warts.  You may thank the Benin Republic government in West Africa.
We have discovered with dismay that your previous ATM card fabricated there was necessarily delayed because it did not have the authenticated genital warts that corrupt officials of the Bank in West Africa Benin Republic were assuring us it was supposed to have.  To forestall this, the UN Left of Center for Disease Propagation was organized in the form of your personal Identification number (PIN) and this will enable only you to have the genital warts embedded on your card. We are happy to inform you that based on our recommendation/Instructions, your complete infection of authenticated genital warts is assured thought this very specific ATM VISA CARD. You are therefore advice to contact our Agent:
Agent Name:  Mr. James Copeland
Mobile Number:  +229-98-53-5365
 
Contact him so we know that you are going to get your just infection of genital warts as dictated by the UN and other Left of Center arganizations which suck worse and harder than Bill Clinton on a vaginal dipped cigar. As soon as you establish a contact with him, a specially infected ATM card will be issued to you immediately. Send the following information’s as stated below to avoid wrong delivery: 
 
1. Your Full Name:
2. Your postal address:
3. Your Age: 
4. Occupation:
5. Mobile Numbers: 
 
We expect your urgent response to this matter to enable us to assure the UN that you have the genital warts they consider you deserving of without further delay. 
 
Congratulations in Advance as you follow instructions and watch your genitals fall off.
 
 
While this drew no response from the scammers or Democraps, I find myself wondering if any of the pals or colleagues of the scammers did their usual reading comprehension *FAIL* and wound up getting themselves an ATM card.  With genital warts... 

 

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Thursday, September 28, 2017

Moon Over Miasma

This is apparently how this scammer views my character.

As Carl Spackler.

Read the following and see if you don't agree:


Mr Wilford Moon <rev.sisitergraceazzem@gmail.com>



 
 Greetings.

I write to you based on a request by an investor and his need for
investment/funding in your country. My name is Mr Wilford Moon , a
financial  consultant with a reputable financial services firm here in United
State of America USA

My company most times represents the interests of very wealthy investors.
Due to the Sensitivity of the position they hold in their society and the
unstable investment environment of their country, they evacuate majority of
their funds into more stable economies and developed nations where they can
get good yield for their money.

A reserved Client, whom I had personally worked with few years ago came
with a proposal recently . What he request is an individual such as
yourself, who will be willing to receive money on his behalf abroad, and
put it to good standard use for a period not exceeding Six [6] years
for a start.

The client has offered these terms:

1. 5% commission paid to me and my foreign partner of the total funds
successfully evacuated. The funds in question is  $60 Million US
Dollars.

2. The funds will be used by the foreign partner for six years as a loan
without any interest. That is, you do not pay any interest on the money but
you give the client 50% of all profits after tax that was accrued from the
use of the funds.

If these terms are agreeable to you, kindly let me know and I will provide
you with all necessary information and procedures involved. All reply
should be sent to this Email: [willfordmoon@gmail.com] for urgent
attention.

Sincerely yours,

Mr Wilford Moon.
Consultant Officer 
 
 
If he doesn't believe my character to be the intellectual equivalent of Carl Spackler, he's certainly hoping for something akin.
 
So let's see how his expectations can be met with a reply like this h'yar: 
 
I have had time to read well and understand the contents of your email.


Now I want you to read well and understand the contents of your email and see if you understand well what I am seeing.
  1.  You are Wilford Moon.
  2. Using email of rev.sistergraceazzem@gmail.com
  3. With response to willfordmoon@gmail.com
  4. *pause to see that you follow me so far*
  5. You have a client.
  6. A client with money.
  7. Money to invest.
  8. He needs to invest in my country.
  9. You are a financial consultant.
  10. One, you say, with a reputable financial services firm in the United States.
  11. He needs to invest in my country.
  12. You are his financial consultant.
  13. You are in the United States.
  14. His is an unstable society.
  15. He is a wealthy person in an unstable society.
  16. He wants someone like me to scheme with him for a term up to 6 years.
  17. His fund is $60 million.
  18. He'll give me 50% of the profits.
  19. After tax.
  20. If I'm interested, respond to you.
  21. Wilford Moon.
  22. US based financial consultant.
  23. Writing from rev.sistergraceazzem@gmail.com
  24. Receiving email at willfordmoon@gmail.com
Would that seem to sum up the gist of it?  And do you read and understand well what I read and understand well herein?  
 
Apparently, the scammer's hopes that my character was, in fact, the intellectual equivalent of Carl Spackler were not realized after he perused my character's response.
 
Calling all Carl Spacklers out there...put down the gopher, back slowly away, and respond to this email....


 

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