Monday, May 2, 2016

Seymour Dishes On Kim Jong Un's "Pleasure Squad"

Not sure where my pet rock, Seymour, comes up with this stuff, but it's obvious he's still fishing for a Pulitzer.

And only getting closer to a "Pull My Fanger".

"Am NOT!!  PHFFFFFFFFT!!!"

A recent article indicated that North Korean pudgmeister Kim Jong Un is reportedly resurrecting "pleasure squads" of girls as young as 13, to "please" him.

Poor girls.

That was an article that Seymour simply could not pass up on editing:

Kim Jong-Un Has A 'Pleasure Squad' Of Inflated-With-HeliumTeenage Girls Who Follow Him Around

By Seymour PetRock – WTFNS

Kim Jong-un has reportedly ordered a new ‘pleasure squad’ of inflatable teenage girls to serve his every whim. Filled with helium, they are to accompany His Pudginess everywhere.
 
The North Korean leader originally took the air out of the practice – which has been employed in the country for decades – following the sudden and rather embarrassing deflation of several of them during the state funeral of his father and predecessor, Kim Jong-il, in 2011.

However, after he executed the original handlers and caretakers of the deflated teenage girl “preasure squad” in the wake of the funeral, he has now decided to resurrect the group and has set about creating a new ‘troupe’, who reportedly must look like Lisa from Team America World Police: tall, beautiful, able to handle kinky puppet sex, and are hand inflated by high-ranking authorities who think they're doing something else while looking at pictures of Taylor Swift.

It is believed some of the inflatable girls are examined by a doctor to check whether or not they are still able to hold air without squeaky leaks, and can be certified as “virgins”...like that matters with inflatables.

Toshimura Togoachoo, a professor of psychological studies of inflatable sex toys at Tokyo’s Hory Cow University and an authority on the affairs of North Korean officials and their inflatable “preasure squads”, told The Bentley Telegraph & Massage Parlour that at first Kim Jong-un stopped the practice because he didn’t like the sound of the girls inadvertently deflating at awkward moments.

After he came to power, Mr Kim began to make a study of Bill Clinton and his practice of interns as genital humidors, and became fascinated with certain aspects of the practice”. 
 
According to a North Korean newspaper that just lost the entire staff to execution by a Hellary-lookalike yak in a thong sitting on them, the inflatable women are apparently made to sign a pledge of secrecy in return for good quality helium.

It is thought they are inflated to 60 psi and then expected to follow His Pudginess everywhere. 
The group – known as Gippeumjo, or ‘inflatable preasure squads’ – was first introduced by Kim Il-sung, the founder of North Korea, on account that he was ugly and his mother dressed him funny. A drunken night of sake and goat sex created the current progression of the Kim dysentery that rules North Korea with an iron fist. And an air pump.

There is no word on how any of this might factor into South Park's Trey Parker and Matt Stone making a sequel to Team America World Police, a dream of Kim Jong Un's, as he craves a leading role in the remake. He even hopes for a cameo for his Lisa lookalike inflatable preasure squad, if they don't squeak and deflate during auditions.


Seymour really hopes that Kim Jong Un is reading these edits.  I reckon if a North Korean missile test winds up near here....he is.

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Friday, April 29, 2016

And Kim Jong's Getting Larrrrrrrrgerrrrrrr

And Leo ain't the only one.

State run news in North Korea -- aka KGAG -- reports that as a new famine approaches the 25 million of North Korea, one member of that number is not showing the affects.

Kim Jong Un.

Like Leo, he's getting largggggggggggggger.  300 pounds and growing by all reports.

The story writer will probably be exotically executed by Kim Jong Un sitting on him.

At any rate, my pet rock, Seymour, saw the article on Kim's expanding girth, and simply couldn't let it go without an edit...and a seamstress:

Kim Jong Un balloons to 300 pounds in time for the annual famine

By Seymour PetRock – WTFNS

Portly North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un, whose hostile actions have brought crippling international sanctions to his impoverished nation, has a new message for the Hermit Kingdom’s starving masses: Get ready to turn over all their McDonald's discount coupons and surrender them to him.

Kim, whose weight is not half way to his intended target, has ballooned to nearly 300 pounds, signaled through state media that the nation could be headed for another Kim Jong Un dietary crisis like the one last year that wiped out availability of every last Big Mac and Quarter Pounder with cheese on the Asian continent.

“The road to revolution is long and arduous,” an editorial in the state-run Road To Revorution newspaper said Monday, according to one of the few remaining sources that Kim Jong Un hasn't yet eaten. “Especially with an oversized fat ass like that of Dear Leader.”

“Arduous march” in North Korean is code for “suckass government leadership FAIL”. It’s how state media gingerly describes the coming disaster when Kim ate every last Quarter Pounder with cheese on the Asian continent.

Kim Jong Un has put on an estimated 70 pounds within the last week.

But Kim, who at 33 walks with an industrial strength truss and reportedly suffers from Cartman-Big-bone-fatass Syndrome, won’t miss any meals. Last September, state run sources disclosed that Kim won another knockwurst undt sauer brauten eating competition at the presidented palace in Pyongyang, and is now 500-0 in such competitions.

Photos released over the past year have shown Kim Jong Un’s rapid weight gain. The secretive regime hasn’t said much about it, but culinary analysts suspect he’s been under increasing gravitational pull. Investigators also note that he reportedly developed a taste for Kraft Mac 'n cheese while he was a culinary exchange student in the basement of the DNC years ago.

Pyongyang has ordered every citizen in the capital to provide around 2 pounds of rice and all the Happy Meal coupons available, to the state’s supplies every month, while farmers are forced to hand over additional rations from their own meager crops to the military, so that they can deliver it to Kim.

The comments from state media come amid reports of North Koreans trying to figure out what passes for their food supplies. Kim Jong Un’s regime has been cracking down on any food source that have served as a source of additional food for city dwellers when the food is desperately needed by him.

“Even if we give up our lives, we should continue to show our leader, Kim Jong Un, various programs from Jenny Craig, Weight Watchers...until he executes us,” the state-run newspaper wrote, calling for a “70-day campaign of peanut buster parfaits.”

Much of North Korea’s population of 25 million is already Twiggy-esque and the new 70 day campaign of further deprivation will guarantee that it gets worse. But experts don’t expect Kim’s weight gains to stop just because the world thinks he needs to be on a diet. The latest message to the suffering people is yet another one comparable to hellary's denials of responsibility for her actions, and the fact that she's starting to get as big as Kim herself.

It's business as usual in North Korea, not unlike that in the American DNC,” Daniel Pinkeye, a lecturer at an American university where trigger words and safe zones are all currently the rage.

I did advise Seymour that because this is North Korea and not a democrap-run (ruined) city, an OSHA mandated back up alarm isn't likely to warn Seymour of Kim Jong Un's approach.

"The seismic institute in Golden should take care of that..."

Good point, Seymour.

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Tuesday, April 26, 2016

He Has Something Against Me Now

Hon. Dr Kudi Mangawata declared in his email header that "I do not have anything against you".  Then he proceeded to prove that he intended to before he was done:

Dear Sir,

My name is Hon.Dr Kudi Mangawata Director, Risk & Management C.B.N (Central Bank of Nigeria). I believe you don’t know me before but after a serious thought, I decided to reach you personally because I do not have anything against you, but your so called partners, Usman Bello and his partners. Again I strongly believe that basic of our religion is IMAAN and the structure is telling truth.

Some Time ago, your partner Usman Bello approached me and requested that I assist him to program your name on the Payment Central Computer system as beneficiary for transfer deal of part payment ($10.5M) to use the strategy and transfer $10.5M by registering you as beneficiary and Transfer the money to your account through United Nations to enable them contact you and transfer the money to your account. We agreed that i will do it but it must be on the condition that i will get 20% of the total fund, 50% for YOU and 30% for them. but can you believe that After i programmed your name on the payment computer as the legal beneficiary, your so called partners started playing pranks with me trying to push me out of the business completely, But they don't know that as a professional Banker, they can not outsmart me, that was why I changed the information without his notice to make sure that whatever you do trying to receive the money will not be possible.

Because of his evil attitude, I changed even the payment (CODE) from the Central computer, which made it impossible for you to receive the payment no-matter what both of you try. I am aware that you have been bribing some officials to get approvals to enable you receive the money but all efforts were to no success. Rather they keep demanding fees ON and ON. Is it not funny that you are being asked to pay money in other countries before you will receive your money while the fund is here? Well, this is the cause of the problem. I am also aware that they have made efforts to be paid via London payment center but the arrangement did not work because of the wrong information I sent to them. Bear in mind that your payment will NOT and you will NEVER receive any payment from any OFFSHORE, CENTER IN GHANA, SOUTH AFRICA, USA, LONDON, DUBAI ETC)

The only luck you have is that nobody can claim this money without your consent even me, because it was registered on your name on the Computer data system this is the more reason your so called partner and other fraudsters ARE using the advantage to defraud you.

Have you asked yourself a question, How in this world can somebody call himself a diplomat and carry millions of Dollars in Cash and pass International Airports without inspection, It is only fools will fall for that. because i know in my own Country, you must declare the amount you have in you before you board airplane. Also be it know to you that any international Transaction goes through Bank to Bank Transfer, you can go and ask your banker. So stop Wasting your time and funds because it is like building Castle in the Air.
    NOW IF YOU WANT US TO WORK TOGETHER HERE ARE MY CONDITIONS.

(I) You MUST promise me NOT to allow any other person or party know about this and I will have 30% of the money then 70% for you because it is only two of us now. Again you must keep it highly confidential and secret. I sworn with my life NOT to allow this transaction work without my 100% involvement.

(ii) You MUST assure me that you will not betray me at last and my own share will be wired into the account i will provide or keep safe until we meet for sharing.

(iii) We can conclude the transaction with utmost SECRET and CONFIDENTIAL if you agree to adhere to my directives based on these conditions being acceptable by you, contact me immediately to enable us finalize all the arrangement.

As soon as we agree, i will use my position to perfect the arrangements on your behalf also update, authenticate and perfect all your documents and Code including the documents your partners procured through the back door while trying to double cross me. I will do all this for us to have a smooth transfer both now and after the money have got into your account.

If you agree with me, you must respond to me immediately through my private email: (mangawata_kuding@yahoo.com.sg) also make sure you call me on confidential Phone No: +234 8175584098 for full discussion. But If you do not agreed with my condition, i will advise you to forget about the funds because there is no way you can conclude the transfer without my notice, as far as I still remain the Director, Risk & Management.




So he doesn't have anything against me, eh?  Well....after this edit, he can get in line with hellary, the DNC and the rest of the left of feeling different on that score:

 From: cbnnig.com@gmail.com
> Subject: I do have all sorts of sh*t against you
> Date: Tue, 29 Mar 2016 04:53:59 -0700
>
> Dear Sir,
>
> My name is Hon.Dr Kudi Mangawata Director, Risk & Mugubooga W.M.N (Witchdoctor Ministry of Nigeria). I believe you don’t know me before but after a serious thought, I decided to reach you personally because I do have all sorts of sh*t against you and your so called partners, Usman Bello and his partners. Again I strongly believe that basic of our religion is SH*TRIA and the structure is telling lies to infidels.
>
> Some Time ago, in a galaxy parallel to this one, your partner Usman Bello approached the big horned thing in my anxiety closet and requested that I assist him to become a transgender so that he can use the women's rest room when he visits NOW in Washington DC. We agreed that i will do it but it must be on the condition that i will get to decline to see Hellary Clinton in a 5 XXL thong.  But can you believe that After i started to process this your so called partners started playing pranks with me, making pictures of hellary, Nancy Bela Pelosi, Debbie 'Medusa' Schultz and other beasts of the DNC appear in my photo feeds all the f**king time.


> Because of his evil attitude, I changed email addresses, which made it impossible for you to block these pictures no-matter what both of you try. I am aware that you have been bribing some online officials to get approvals to enable you to block these pictures but all efforts were to no success. Rather they keep demanding fees ON and ON. Is it  funny that you are being asked to pay money in other countries before you will be spared pictures of hellary and other DNC beasts in oversized butt thongs?

> Well, this is the cause of the problem. I Have you asked yourself a question, How in this world can somebody call himself a diplomat and carry millions of pictures of hellary in an oversized butt thong without inspection, It is only fools will fall for that. because i know in my own Country, you must declare what's in your wallet before you board airplane. Also be it know to you that any international treaty banning pictures of the beasts of the DNC in oversized butt thongs must originate here. So stop Wasting your time because it is like building Castle in the Air.  You've got a dream you want the world to share, and castle walls just lead you to despair.

> NOW IF YOU WANT TO BE SPARED THESE FRIGHTFUL PHOTOS HERE ARE MY CONDITIONS.
>
> (I) You MUST promise me NOT to allow any other person or party know about this.
>
> (ii) You MUST assure me that you will not betray me at last and expose me to Madeleine Albright in a 5 XXL butt thong.
>
> (iii) We can conclude the transaction with utmost SECRET and CONFIDENTIAL if you agree to adhere to my directives based on these conditions being acceptable by you, contact me immediately to enable us finalize all the arrangement.
>
> As soon as we agree, i will use my position to throw a genital booga booga  on the arrangements and perfect all photos to be send to you including the worst ones from the hellary photo shoot for her national crimepaign  procured through the back door while trying to double cross me. I will do all this to you because I am a Nigerian sack of sh*t.  And because Marie Harf promised me a signed picture of Chris Matthews in a 6 XXL butt thong trying to have a leg tingle with Moochelle Obola.
>
> If you agree with me, you must be out of your friggin' mind...but go ahead and respond to me immediately through my private email: (mangawata_kuding@yahoo.com.sg) also make sure you call me on confidential Phone No: +234 8175584098 for full discussion.
>
> Regards.
> Hon. Dr Kudi Mangawata
> Director, Risk & Mugubooga


The resulting silence from the scammer's email addy says oh yeah...I'm on his caca list now  ;-)

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Saturday, April 23, 2016

That One Left A Mark

I do believe that I hurt someone's sensitive feewings.

Got a nonsense email from a nonsense scammer and being in a nonsensical mood, I edited it nonsensically.

Here's what the scammer got back:

From:
 western.u2@pisem.net
 To: jacknewehoff101@hotmail.com
 Subject: Re: RE: Contact Dr.Eric Antho­ny to release of
 your Mt­cn
 Date: Fri, 18 Mar 2016 11:34:39 +0300

 Attn: Benef**ktorary,

 Your chain mail received and noted regarding your platypus
 overbite was well acknowledged on my deck this morning and
 after our official verification perusal, we have all taken a
 shit upon it.  We thank you for sending us the paper
 upon which to shit.  Usually, we do it on the floor,
 and drag our asses around thereon like dogs, picking up
 slivers and army ants and other assorted ass irritants that
 are rife hereabouts.  The Ministry of Finance of
 the federal republic of Benin thanks you too, because it
 would have been their floor we sh*t on, without your email.

 Please you are advised to go through this email carefully
 and make sure you understand and comply with the contents
 before replying. We are instructing you to send us 100 rolls
 of Northern toilet paper, to be used by federal
 government of Benin so that we can finally clean up the
 floor of this building and hopefully get the fly population
 herein under one billion per square inch.   So,
 you will be receiving shipping instructions on how to send
 us 100 rolls of Northern toilet paper.

 1. Receiver name:...CHUKWUKA SIMEON OKOYE
 2. Country:... Benin Republic
 3. City:.......Cotonou
 4. Test question:. What for toilet paper?
 5. Test answer:....To wipe our fouled asses widdit.
 6. Amount:.....100 rolls

 This is the only official requirements needed and you are
 given a mandate to get this concluded, otherwise we will
 have to riot and loot a few dozen 7-11s in democrap
 controlled towns so that our demands are met.

 Kindly get this done so we are not forced to riot.
 While we live to riot, sometimes we wind up being second to
 the store and are left with ripped and torn bags of Cheese
 Nips, instead of the coveted toilet paper.

 This message is meant for you alone. Disclosure of it to any
 third party may lead to us being really pissed off at
 you.

 Please call us at +229-98663188 for any more detailed
 instructions you may need so as to not piss us off and leave
 us having to wipe our asses on the floor of this building in
 Benin, which is now unfit to live in anywhere BUT a Third
 World country. Also send Pine-sol by the gallon to help us
 void the stench around here. 

  Mr. Eric Anthony
  

Sometimes you get to see what other scams the scammers are engaging in when they don't read and respond to you.  This time, the scammer did read what I dun to their email, Ma, and they didn't bother to switch emails to respond from.

I must say, I love this response...best of 2016 so far:

BASTARD YOUR MOTHER FORKER BASTARD YOUR MOTHER FORKER BASTARD YOUR MOTHER FORKER BASTARD YOUR MOTHER FORKER BASTARD YOUR MOTHER FORKER BASTARD YOUR MOTHER FORKER BASTARD YOUR MOTHER FORKER BASTARD YOUR MOTHER FORKER BASTARD YOUR MOTHER FORKER BASTARD YOUR MOTHER FORKER BASTARD YOUR MOTHER FORKER BASTARD YOUR MOTHER FORKER BASTARD YOUR MOTHER FORKER BASTARD YOUR MOTHER FORKER BASTARD YOUR MOTHER FORKER BASTARD YOUR MOTHER FORKER BASTARD YOUR MOTHER FORKER BASTARD YOUR MOTHER FORKER BASTARD YOUR MOTHER FORKER BASTARD YOUR MOTHER FORKER BASTARD YOUR MOTHER FORKER BASTARD YOUR MOTHER FORKER -  

and it came from  mss.evlyne_loba@yahoo.com, rather than from either Sarah Davis (original email) or Dr. Eric Anthony (whom I responded to).

That one left mark enough to throw them off their game.

I'm sure my reply didn't help:

"BASTARD YOUR MOTHER FORKER..."  BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA  You funny, funny scammer.  Not convincing, but you funny, funny scammer.  After you get time out for potty mouf we might let you revisit Sesame Street.  There's a good four year old now.

That drew the exact same reply as above.  LOL.

Now I know that you work from templates and that I took you out of your template, so your template tantrum is understandable.  But really...go see the movie Johnny Dangerously and then re-try your template tantrum.  It might not help you now, but it'll sure entertain the sh*t out of whom ever else reads it.  

The scammer(s) apparently were not seeking advice for improving their template tantrums....nothing more from BYMF...LOL.


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Wednesday, April 20, 2016

Time Not Shared

I received an email inquiry asking if my 'time share' was still for sale.

My response was as immediate as that of my pet rock, Seymour:  "WTF???"

I haven't been involved in a time share ANYTHING since the 1970s, and I got out of that in the early '80s.

Needless to say, my time share looked nothing like this.

Had I one, it'd probably look more like this:
Be that as it ain't, neither I nor my pet rock knows what the lady -- so she claims to be -- is talking about.

A flip of the coin -- that I lose -- and Seymour gets the honor of playing the latest scammer's game:


On Saturday, March 5, 2016 5:04 PM, Sarah Pullen <yau@yau.com> wrote:

I am interested in purchasing your timeshare week. Is it stil for sale?

Yes it is.  What is your offer?  

Thank you for your reply to my inquiry regarding your timeshare. Please note that although I am a private buyer, I am interested in purchasing your timeshare because I am about to start a vacation rental company so I need a number of timeshare weeks to be able to commence. I am NOT a broker or a listing company. I hope we can come to an agreement on the sale at a reasonable price ASAP.

  Please provide information on your timeshare(s) such as weeks of availability, yearly maintenance fees and if your resort can be exchanged via RCI or interval.

I will wait to hear from you.   Sincerely, Sarah Pullen  
 
Seymour has no idea what any of that mumbo jumbo is, so he wings it:
 
It currently has 20 weeks of availability per year.  Annual maintenance fees are apportioned monthly.
Far as I know, the resort cannot be exchanged via RCI.  I await your offer.  It's a 3 bdrm 3 bathroom 2200 sq ft unit in a building of four like sized units.  
 
What is the name of your resort? Also quote me your asking price so I can make you an offer. 
 
The View At Vail Village.  Asking price is $129,000.  I make it very reasonable because I am interested in disposing of it.  
 
Seymour has no idea of what any property in Vail is called, let alone what a reasonable market value is there...eh...apparently neither does the scammer:
 
Thanks for the details. Having reviewed all the information provided, I have made my offer as clearly as possible below.
1- I will be willing to pay $120,000 for your timeshare, closing will commence within the next few days.
2- I am hearing impaired in both ears and as a result, I will doing all closing formalities through my broker. I will be responsible for the closing cost and title transfer fees along with my broker fees.
3- Closing will be done through First American title transfer (www.firstam.com/title) and funds will be held in Escrow during closing.
 Let me know if this works and I will inform you on the next 


I see no problem with your offer.  
 
Thanks for accepting my offer.
Please provide below information so I can mail in a deposit of $500 to hold the property. As soon as deposit is mailed in, my broker will be in touch to arrange documentation and title transfer and upon satisfaction, balance for your timeshare would be released from escrow.
Full names you want on the check
Mailing address
Phone numbers.

I shall await your feedback.  
 
Now this is where I am violating a scambaiting rule...but I want the trophy:  I give the scammer my actual address to send the check to, in care of....Jack N. Ewehoff.
 
Which pisses Seymour off.
 
"Yeah...you said I could play!  PHFFFFFFFFFFFFFT!!!"
 
While I try to appease an offended pet rock scambaiter, the scammer appears to take the bait:
 
Jack,
Many thanks for your patience.
Just to let you know that I had to travel and will be away from home for the  next 8 weeks. I do not know if I have mentioned this before but I have a  disability. I was informed by the hospital which I am registered with that a new  hearing aid which is supposed to be able to restore 30% of my hearing  ability has just been delivered and they would like to test run it with me. This  is impromptu so I had to make speedy arrangements. I tried to reach my  broker yesterday and today but I got an auto response that he is currently  out of the country on business. As a result, I have been unable to determine  how and where to send his fees. I have however sent him numerous email  messages along with your contact information and expect him to be in touch with you as soon as he receives my messages.
 Because I was unable to contact Samuel to send his brokerage fees, title  transfer fees and escrow fees, I visited my bank and got a cashiers check for  $2,900 which I have also mailed out to you. Upon receipt, please deposit the  check, funds should be available immediately, I would need you to deduct  your earnest deposit of $500, this is to affirm my willingness and seriousness  to buy this property and fend off other offers while closing processes are  arranged by my broker. Then, forward the balance $2,400 to Samuel Banet as his fees for your timeshare closing, First American title service  charges and escrow fees whenever he gets in touch with you. This is to  circumvent any delays rather than wait for my return in 8 weeks. It is my  assumption that Samuel will provide additional instructions on how to get the  fees to him.
Samuel Banet is my personal broker and would be responsible for all the  documentation and deed of transfer. Samuel will work with First American  title transfer company who would be handling the closing.  Note that the  balance for your timeshare would be held in escrow. As soon as my broker  gets in touch with you and finalizes the sale, the balance will be released to  you before you transfer the title deed. Please notify me as soon as you  receive contact from Sam.
  Do watch out for any mails to your address and notify me as soon as you  receive my check. Although I am away from home, I would still have access  regularly to my email and would be in touch throughout the process. If you  need to reach me quickly, you can send me a text message on (661) 780-0695
Thanks for your understanding and sorry for the minor inconvenience.  Please respond to this email so I am aware that you have received my  message.
Awaiting your feedback.  
 
So now we await the 'check' (cue up the *Jeopardy Theme*)...which came in a plain white envelope addressed in cursive..purple cursive.  A check drawn on TruWest Credit Union...as bogus as hellary Clinton's selective memory.

I has received your check.  I has received your message.  What I has not is hear-ed from your brokerer.  Wazzup widdat?  


My broker says that he has tried repeated to contact you and that you are not responded.  What is going on?  


Sammy's tried to contact me?  Really?  By what means...bathroom telepathy?  This email account works.  You reach me, right?  What is wrong with your brokerer?  And what's to be done with the check?  

Jack, is something wrong?  You have the check you say.  Have you followed my instructions with it?  

What could POSSIBLY be wrong, Sarah?  I have the check.  We have communication.  Your brokerer has my email address but seems unable to use it.  I have your instructions for the check.  But without your brokerer, your instructions are just so much pullen my leg.  What's to be done with the check? 

 What do you mean?  Please read back what you send me and tell me what you mean?  


Why do I need to read back what I send you to tell you what I mean?  You can read, right?  What I wrote is what I send, and what I send is what I said when I send it.  Your brokerer was apparently run down by a goat herd at Snareckkity Blvd and Smorenapps Way.  Just read his obit.  What's to be done with the check?

Sarah Pullen-my-leg isn't a very persistent scammer....though apparently recognizes now what it is I mean.  'cuz her email address no longer works.

So what's to be done with the check is that it joins others in my 'trophy case'.  And I'm still stuck with a timeshare I don't have.  Next?


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Saturday, April 16, 2016

Kim Jong Un Channels William Shatner?

Misguided missiles, North Korea, South Park, Kim Jong Un and William Shatner.

This edit by my "Edits Gone Wild" pet rock Seymour has it all.

It started out as a report from sources that revealed North Korea had an apparent failed missile test recently.

Exotic executions to follow, no doubt.

At any rate, what with Seymour and Kim Jong Un being so buddy-buddy, the pet rock couldn't pass up an opportunity to further edit the Great Large One:


North Korean missile launch goes Phfffffft

Seymour PetRock – WTFNS

SEOUL, South Korea (WTFNS) — A North Korean launch of a missile on the birthday of its revered founder was an epic *FAIL* causing more North Korean scientists to ponder their exotic execution possibilities, officials said Friday.

KGAG – official voice of the North – reported that the failed launch was of a powerful new mid-range missile that could one day be capable of reaching the suburbs of Wonsan...if launched near there. Unnamed sources however, provided few details of what is an embarrassing failure for Pyongyang and a set back for Kim Jong Un's campaign to get him in a Team America World Police sequel.

The abject *FAIL* comes as the two Koreas trade threats amid Pyongyang's anger over just about anything in South Korea, because it's done better in the south. The North has recently fired a slew of missiles and artillery shells into the sea in an apparent protest that only fish take note of.

The surge in belligerent rhetoric from the North may also be linked to leader Kim Jong Un's preparations for a major public relations offensive meant to convince South Park originators Trey Parker and Matt Stone to make that Team America World Police sequel – starring, of course, Kim Jong Un – before Kim's weight surges past 500 pounds.

A senior U.S. defense official, speaking on condition of anonymity because the official wasn't authorized to speak publicly about leaked secrets from Hellary's primate email server while she was increasing the size of her butt thongs from 4 XXL to 5 XXXL, said the U.S. Strategic Command systems detected and yawned as a North Korean test launch of one of their new OneHangDangFukLuk medium range missiles failed, after it traveled from the west side of Wonsan to the east side, blowing up hundreds of yards of kimshi factory outlet shops.

"We strongly laugh our asses off at the continued ineptness on display with North Korea's missile test in violation of UN Security Council Resolutions, even while those resolutions and fifty cents don't mean squat outside of the UN building," the official said.

The North American Aerospace Defense Command said the missile launched from North Korea did not pose a threat to waters 100 yards off Wonsan.

The South's Defense Ministry said it was immediately known that the missile fired from an eastern coastal area Friday morning was an underachieving exceptionally short-range missile. It also was known that the missile landed on the east side of Wonsan, blowing up all those kimshi factory outlet shops.

The North's launch came amid speculation in the South that its rival was preparing to test a medium-range missile they were hoping would have a range of 3,500 kilometers (2,180 miles) — enough to reach U.S. military installments in Guam, where it is believed that North Koreans are eager to help recover the intellectual reputation of US Congressman from Georgia Hank Johnson, after his “Guam capsizing” idiocy that's all over YouBoob. Foreign experts have settled on a nickname for the missile – YuFukUpKim – named after Kim Jong Un.

Friday is the birthday anniversary of the late Kim Il Sung, the current leader's grandfather and the nation's founder. North Korea had planned a huge kimshi fest in Wonsan for the anniversary. Rumors abound that now after all those shops were blown up by the test missile, Kim Jong Un will have to suck up to China for some McDonald's take out deliveries for the anniversary celebration.

In the North Korean capital, Pyongyang, starving citizens in formal clothing lined up to bow deeply before huge statues of Kim Il Sung and Kim Jong Il, his son and the father of Kim Jong Un, and laid all of their McDonald's discount coupons at the statues' feet.

North Korea has unnerved the international community this year with an escalating campaign of demands that the South Park duo make a Team America World Police sequel. Further unnerving the international community is a threat from Pyongyang to publish a music album of Kim Jong Un Sings The Best of William Shatner, which Kim Jong Un is sure will dominate the next Grammy Awards.

There is debate among analysts about the exact state of the next Grammy Awards if this alleged album is released. If it contributes to Kanye 'Whiny' West moving out of the US, most analysts are willing to suffer a night of hearing Kim Jong Un do Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds ala William Shatner. The rest of us just remember the brown note episode from South Park.
    


Seymour is sure that if nothing else, the dancing cat will get him a Pulitzer nod.

I don't think it'll even rate an invite to DWTS.

"Oh phffffffffffffffffffft!"

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Friday, April 15, 2016

April 15 Means...

I wonder if it worked?

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Wednesday, April 13, 2016

The Love Boat It Ain't

Another steamship that finds itself in a fine pickle.

*Ducking boos and throwd condiment packets*

I always enjoy getting unsolicited job offers in emails, especially on email accounts made up for fictitious people that scambait scammers.

Like this one:

Carnival Cruise Line Australia

PO Box 2006 North Sydney NSW 2059

Australia 

Website:  http://www.carnival.com.au/
Email: Carnivalcruisesline@anaustralian.com

 The Carnival Cruises Australia intends to increase its manpower base due to new ships and increasing number of customers in our Cruise Linear Australia.

The total recruitments will be 1,570 applicants. Minimum Age requirements is 18-years and above.

 
NOTE THE FOLLOWING:
Type:                          Full-Time / Part-Time
Base Pay:                   $ 35,000 - $ 375,000 / Year
Type of work:            Permanent / Temporary
Contract Period:       3 Months - 4 years
V-Type:                       1-4 (One-Four) Years Working permit
 
THESE ARE THE AVAILABLE POSITIONS:
AccountantFood and Beverage StaffComputer Specialist
MusicianAdministrationLecturer
Activities DirectorRestaurant StaffReservation Staff
Disc JockeyGift Shop StaffCruise Staff
Activities StaffReservation StaffMassage Therapist
CleanerChild Care WorkerMedical Staff (Doctor / Nurse)
Security   WaitressBeautician / Aesthetician
EngineeringHostessSinger
PhotographerGuest SpeakerHousekeeping
Engine Room StaffDancerBartender
Bar StaffDance InstructorComedian
Production MangerPublic Relation StaffGuest Service Officer
 
There are over 350 positions that are available which were not listed
 
We'll offer you Air Ticket, Accommodation, Medication, Feeding and other relevant services as attractive salary awaits you
 
To apply for one of the following job openings we need the following from you:  
1. Cover letter (1 page maximum) / Curriculum Vitae (Resume).
2. Certificate and reference letters (if any)
3. Available date and Position Applying for.
4. International Passport or National ID Card copy / Resident
           
Please Email your CV / Resume to back via Mrs Elaine Quentin McInerney  Email: Carnivalcruisesline@anaustralian.com

 
Management
 
 
This one fairly shrieks for an edit.  I might disappoint the readers, but not the shrieks: 
 

From: capts.hakan15@daum.net
To: capts.hakan15@daum.net
Subject: PO Box 2006 North Sydney NSW 2059
Date: Tue, 8 Mar 2016 20:00:39 +0900

PO Box 2006 North Sydney NSW 2059
Australia 
Email: Carnivalcruisesline@anaustralian.com
 
The Carnivore Cruises Australia intends to increase its maneater base due to new ships and increasing number of customers needing to be consumed in our Culinary Linear Australia.
The total hors d'oeuvres unbeknowists will be 1,570 assorted appetizers.  Must be able to be basted, sautéed, grilled.
 
NOTE THE FOLLOWING:
Type:                          Full-Consumption / Part-Consumption 
Basted, Sautéed or Grilled
Type of work:            Culinary
Menu Period:       3 Months - 4 years
  
THESE ARE THE AVAILABLE MENU ITEMS SOUGHT:
Appetizer InternFood Cookie Specialist
MetamucilAlka SeltzerFinger Licking Good
Fast FoodRestaurant ServableReservation worthy
DrumstickDessertCrunchy
GibletStuffableMalt
Hors D'oeuvreKneadableMedicinal Brandy
Succotash   Waitress-carriableTuber
Egg plantHostess CupcakeCan Sing While Consumed
Pheasant Ala StuffedGuest AppetizerEdible Underwear
RoughageVenison substituteBar worthy
Bar Lighting EnhancedCordon BleuConsummedian
Self CatererPubic Relation Willing To Be Made Into Anything
 
There are over 350 additional menu items that are available which were not listed
 
We'll offer you Reynolds Wrap
 
To apply for one of the following menu openings we need the following from you:  
1. Cover letter (1 page maximum) / Culinary flexibility.
2. Reference letters from those who find you edible (if any)
3. Available date and menu item Applying for.
4. International House of Pancakes receipt
           
Please Email your CV / Resume to back via Fine Young Cannibal Head Chefette Mrs Elaine Quentin McInerney  Email: Carnivalcruisesline@anaustralian.com

 
Mismanagement
 
 
It took a few days, but a less than satisfied response was received from the scammer(s) that suggests that they has sensitive feelings and probably no connection to Australian Cruises:

jaancarlos ramos     f**k you there and your mother                 
                                                                                   
                       
LMAO...awwwww, did the poor widdow scammer get his feewings hurt by being exposed?  Awwwwww.  I'll add this to the post....the readers will love it.  You may return to your 4 year old snit now.
f**k off
                
Needless to say, I didn't get hired as we were unable to agree on 'terms'.   My pet rock, Seymour, did get offered a job as ballast.
 

"Did NOT!!!  PHFFFFFT!!!"

 

 

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Sunday, April 10, 2016

Here Come The Wusses

Verbal and visual 'trigger warnings' and 'safe zone violations'.  The latest sand poundingly stupid leftist fad on college campuses.

This particular story comes online about a recent 'safe zone violation' during a student council meeting at the University of Edinburgh.  In the age of Obola and uber touchy feely political correctness, it could be repeated at ANY college campus where the Left is in any kind of control.

When this segment of this generation of college students run face first into real life, all the hash tags on Twitter won't get Mommy to make it stop:


Today's liberal college 'students' are accelerating themselves to the level of super wusses.

Not only do they have 'trigger warnings' for words that offend, they demand 'safe zones' to emotionally recover from having been exposed to words or differences of opinion that offend. And now it doesn't stop there...get this:

University of Edinburgh student Imogene Wilson raised her hands during a student council meeting to protest a statement that she didn’t agree with (*OMG* said no one with rational thought processes). But apparently there were no rational thought processes at this peculiar gathering. The article relates that Imogene was accused of violating the student council’s “safe space” policy because she disagreed with the statement – also, another student said that she made a “negative head motion.” (*OMG* said no one with rational thought processes). Fortunately for the emotionally immature cupcakes on the student council and in the Depends-needing audience, there were no such people – rational – present.  Other than perhaps Imogene.

Yes, the meeting – such as it was – came to a screeching halt so that the emotionally fragile student council could vote on whether to eject Imogene from the meeting because of her – OMG said no one with rational thought processes – “safe space violations”. And exactly what sandpoundingly stupid idiocy passes for the student council's “safe space policy” at the Eunuchversity of Edinburgh? Read it h'yar:

The student council’s safe space policy reads in part, “All members are expected to conduct themselves in a manner which is respectful and considerate of the contributions of others.” The code goes on to say that students at the meetings must refrain from “hand gestures which denote disagreement or in any other way indicating disagreement with a point or points being made. Disagreements should only be evident through the normal course of debate.” Gestures indicating agreement “are permissible” according to the code, as long as they are “not used in an intimidating manner.”



In short, the frightfully delicate souls at the Eunuchversity of Edinburgh say that if you make ANY kind of indication that you disagree with something someone else says...alarm bells and trigger warning sirens go stark raving crazy, causing throngs of immature young minds full of abject mush to go into anxiety attacks and pants/knickers wetting over things like hand raising, head shaking and/or any kind of verbal evidence of disagreement with what you had to suspend logic and reason to hear. Even if only one offended person is saved, isn't it worth it?


In the real world, no “safe space” violation is worth the paper it's printed on (the saying of which just caused massive fouling of selves by the student council at Eunuchversity of Edinburgh).


Of course, even a tree stump could recognize leftist politically motivated censorship (cue a loud "DUH!"). Another student dared to point out that the people accusing Imogene of violating the sanctified “safe space” disagree with Imogene’s politics; so it was okay to disagree with Imogene, but not the reverse, eh?  BTW, the meeting was over whether the student government at the eunuchversity should support efforts to boycott Israel, something which Imogene apparently didn't happen to agree with.

In short...disagree with the Left (someone who doesn’t fall in lock-step with the leftist made up and leftist assininity on parade 'safe space' policies) and you are a 'safe space policy violator'.


That and 50 cents might be worth something in a bed wetting drum circle in a Eunuchversity of Edinburgh safe zone, but isn't going to be worth goat spit in the real world that eagerly awaits stomping on the uber delicate emotional flowers being piss poorly miscultivated at centers of leftist stupidity like the Eunuchversity of Edinburgh.

Yes, here we have tomorrow's generation of 'cowering under couches in fetal positions, fouling themselves because someone actually raised their hand to question some udopian belief of emotive powder puffs from such self ruining centers of dumbed down education as the Eunuchversity of Edinburgh'.  And consider them courtesy of  faculty leftist morons of dubious antecedence with not a lick of common sense. Reactions to this story on social media sites like Twitter make it clear that the Eunuchversity of Edinburgh stunted council should avoid social media and real life, 'cuz neither gives a rat's ass about their declared 'safe zones' and 'trigger warnings' over disagreements, verbal and otherwise.


The moral of the story: if you raise your hand when you’re around any students from the Eunuchversity of Edinburgh – or any of their likeminded centers of liberal dumbspeak – you may just make them piss in their diddies, if not sending them to cower under a couch, crying in their political correctness handbooks.   

How many 'safe zone' policy violations did I just rack up?  Probably not enough...

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Thursday, April 7, 2016

The Idiot Chronicles

The latest 'idiot' to win a chapter in those chronicles calls hisself Thomson Philip.

After reading this exchange of emails, I reckon that you'll agree he's a chapter award winner:

Dear Friend,

With due respect to your person and much sincerity of purpose . I have a business proposal which I will like to handle with you. $35 million USD is involves. But be rest assured that everything is legal and risk free as I have concluded all the arrangements and the legal papers that will back the transaction up. Kindly indicate your interest as to enable me tell you more detail of the proposal.

Waiting for your urgent response.
Yours Faithfully,
Mr. Thomson Philip,  



Is this urgent enough?  What's up with your $35 million? 


Thank you for your email, I appreciate your response. My proposal is very important to me so please I want you to take the content of this mail very seriously. All I want is an honest business transaction between us. First of all, I will start by introducing myself. My name is Mr. Thomson Philip; am from Burkina Faso but live in Cotonou Benin where am working with Eco bank Annex here in Benin;
It has been 10 years now that some greedy African Politicians used our bank to launder money overseas through the help of their Political advisers. Most of the funds which they transferred out of the shores of Africa were gold and oil money that was supposed to have been used to develop the continent. I acted as the Bank Officer to most of the politicians and when I discovered that they were using me to succeed in their greedy act; I also cleaned some of their banking records from the Bank files and no one cared to ask me because the money was too much for them to control. They laundered over $5b Dollars during the process .and i was able to divert Thirty Five Million US dollars ($35m) to an escrow account belonging to no one in the bank.The ($35) Million Dollars has been laying waste but I don't want to retire from the bank without transferring the funds to a foreign account. I only want you to assist me by providing a bank account where the fund can be transferred.
I am ready to do this transaction with you only if you will be capable and ready to keep it secret because I do not need any security problems. I want you to henceforth respond through this ID, because I do not want anybody to know what we are doing. Since you are very honest person as you seem to sound, I assure you that success in this venture is guaranteed, if only you follow my advice.
Most of those politicians are no longer in power and some are dead. There is "no security risk" because the funds do not exist in anybody's name. No one also knows about the secret of the funds except me and already, budgets have been done many times without any mention of the funds which means it can be legally transferred to any person that I legalize his/her name as the owner. The Funds can only be transferred to a Foreigner not resident in my country because I placed the funds on a 'transit escrow account' to enable me wire the funds to any part of the world when required.
I hope that you will not disappoint me when this money enters into your account; I have all my hope in this transaction because I shall soon go on retirement, I am a simple banker whose credibility is still intact and with my maturity and understanding, I promise to give the best co-operation. If you are really interested in this transaction, then we must hurry up so that our bank and government shall not claim and inherit this money because it has over-stayed. Below is the information you are to send to me which I am going to use to obtain some vital documents from the ministries in your name that will back up the claim and as soon as I get them ready, I will forward them to you with an application which you will fill and summit back to my bank as to commences with the immediate process of the transaction.
(1) Your Full name and age.
(2)Your occupation
(3)Your marital status
(4)Your full residential address
(5)Your direct phone and fax numbers.
(6)A copy of your photo scanned and sent to me by mail or your driving license.
Meanwhile I will like you to know more about myself. I am a family man with 4 children 2 girls and 2 boys. I have decided to do this deal because i have worked in this bank for years without achieving anything due to the corruption in this country. Workers’ salaries are hardly paid; the leaders are very wicked and corrupt. Even the Aids we receive from Donor countries as well as the international communities are being diverted into the private pockets of the few in authority.
Therefore while the rich are getting richer, the poor masses continue to suffer. I only have a name NOT money or any material possessions. So this is why when I saw this opportunity, I decided to capitalize on it with my position in the bank and I hope with your co-operation, success will be for us.i will give you %40 of the fund after the successful transfer to your nominated bank account.
Thank you for understanding, +22965923190.
I am waiting,
Mr. Thomson Philip;  
 
Oh...you live in Burkina Fatso?  Oh.  I can't do business in a place I can't find on a map with a person therefrom.  Can you move to Detroit?  From there I can do business with you.  

I am from Burkina Faso, but I live and work with Eco-bank international here in Benin Republic where the fund was deposited   Confirm your readiness in working with me to enable us go into the process of the deal.  I am waiting to hear from you  
 
 
Where is Benin Republic?  

Benin Republic, is a country in West Africa.  
 
 
How does that differ from Burkina Fatso?  Aren't they side by side or something like that?  


Yes, Burkina faso and Benin Republic, are Neboring country  


Ah, that explains it.  So what is it that you want of me?  I don't live anywhere near either of these places.  


yes, i know that you are not living anywhere near here, that is why i want you to help me to receive the fund into your account so that i will come over to your country with my family to stay and invest my own share of the fund


Oh...so I don't have to come over there to do any of this?  


Is not necessary that you must comedown here in my country for the deal, we can make the deal through online because I am active here in the bank to back you up with every necessary information the bank might require from you to back up direct transfer of the fund to your nominated bank account there in your country   I am waiting to hear from you  
 
 
Okay, so I don't have to come to your country to do this thing.  Thank you!  


Please go ahead and send the needed information as I require to enable us go into the process of the deal  


Upon reflection, I am actually eager to come to your country and do this business with you in person.  How would I go about that?  


It is easier that you not come here and work with me online because I am active here in the bank and can do all the modalities here  This is better way.  


Why..don't you WANT me to come?  Or even breathe hard?  


what is this please?  I am await the informations I ask you for to go into the process of the deal. 
 

 What this is is...questions of profoundity, and their impact on the miniscule, minute and the meek within the greater continuity of rectal gas in the Hotel Kaliforlornia, such a lovely place but you can never leave with your wallet intact.  If this is NOT the information that you seeked, maybe you should have sucked instead of seeked, and then who knows what would be stuck to your face just now.  Does this clarify what this is please?  

It apparently did...Thomson Philip no longer wants to play.

Awwww.

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