Saturday, December 16, 2017

I Was An Email Recipient Of The FBI

Eh...had to put a picture of something there, and this just happened to be handy.

I love how often my character gets emails from the FBI.  Even moreso, when the FBI is trying to give my character money they say he's been swindled out of.

They couldn't solve Hellary's emails, but they can get my fictitious character money.

I'm sure this would have J. Edgar's feather boas molting.

At any rate, here's the ploy:


The Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI) Unit on Africa case (filed IIA-8902-F2) regarding seized Funds of Foreign Individuals and Companies 2010-Date.
 
Attn:   To:Whom it May Concern!
 
Kindly Send your Response to agentaderson.m@gmail.com
 
This email is reaching you from the office of Special Agent in Charge (Michael J. Anderson) in Charge of Chicago Division field (CFO) USA.
 
This message is to inform you after 8 months of thorough investigations in Nigeria regarding seized funds of foreign Individuals and Companies. Your seized funds calculated at total USD$35,000.000.00 (Thirty five Million US Dollars) has been retrieved from the Federal Government of Nigeria.
 
Your funds is now in allocation Bank of Nigeria in Abuja the capital, and we are contacting you with this confidential information, to enable you quickly receive your funds with the assistance and presence of our Agents here in Nigeria.
 
We have been informed by securities that attempts have been made for you to receive your funds, but so far you failed due to dealing with the wrong people officials. We are still here in Nigeria to ensure you and every other persons involved receives your funds this time.
 
We shall deal directly with the Bank in charge of your payment and you deal with us directly and whatever requirements needed, we will ask you to provide immediately to us, and you will receive direct instructions/information on the necessary Bank procedures to follow from us and no one else please take note no one else!.
 
NOTE, PLEASE DO NOT PANIC, WE ARE HERE TO HELP AND GUIDE YOU TO RECEIVE YOUR MONEY.
 
 
Fill out your personal details on the below plain form.
 
 
PRINT OR TYPE IN SPECIFIED SPACES
 
 
PERSONAL INFORMATION'S
 
 
Complete Name : ------------------------------- Country Of Origin: ---------------------
 
Present Address : ----------------------------------- Date Of Birth : ------------------- Sex: ---------------------
 
Marital Status: --------------------Occupation: -------------------------------Tel/Mobile: -----------------
 
kindly attach a Valid I.D copy (D/L / Int'l Passport) --------
 
 
The attached I.D badge is for Special Agent in charge, Michael J. Anderson.
Distributing or Editing is highly prohibited.
This I.D badge is attached for your view only.
 
 
Signed By,
Special Agent in Charge,
Michael J. Anderson
Criminal Investigations Division,
Crimes & Fraud Unit
CFO(Field office)
E-mail: agentaderson.m@gmail.com
 
United States of America
 
This email and any files transmitted with it are confidential and intended solely for the use of the individual or entity to whom they are addressed. If you have received this email in error please notify this office quickly. This message contains confidential information and is intended only for the individual named or addressed. If you are not the named/addressee you should not disseminate, distribute or copy this e-mail. Please notify this office immediately by e-mail if you have received this e-mail by mistake, delete from your system. If you are not the intended recipient you are notified that disclosing, copying, distributing or taking any action in reliance on the contents of this information is strictly prohibited. FBI  
 
 
Yup.  Small wonder they didn't solve anything substantive.
 
So it was time for another edit, brought to you by my 'edit-gone-wild' pet rock, Seymour:
 
 
The Federal Burrito of Ingestiveness (FBI) Unit on Africa case (filed IIA-8902-F2) regarding sneezed-on Funds of Foreign Individuals and Companies 2010-Date.
 
Attn:   Former Director Mueller, Your Thong Is Showing  
Kindly Send your Response to agentaderson.m@gmail.com

 
This email is reaching you from the Democrapic National Committee Indoor Outhouse of Special Agent in Charge (Michael J. Anderson) in Charge of Shotcago Division field (SFO) USA.
 
This message is to inform you that after totally fumbling bigger investigations and allowing politics to override the rule of law, we have -- in one afternoon of coffee laced with meth -- concluded thorough investigations in Nigeria regarding sneezed-on funds of foreign Individuals and Companies. Your take of the sneezed-on funds calculated at total USD $35.00 (Thirty five US Dollars) has been retrieved from the Federal Government of Nigeria in the form of counterfeit bills cleverly disguised as toilet paper.  Only some of which has been used.

We didn't think any of those clowns knew what it was.  We bad.
 
Your pithy portion is now in allocation Bank of Nigeria in Pachooko, which according to teh Gooble Oith app is somewhere other than Liechtenstein, and we are contacting you with this confidential information to enable you to quickly wash your hands of this sordid affair and receive instead a copy of Hellary's latest book, Why Am I Not President Excuse LXXXVIII, with an authentic autograph from one of Bill's bimbo erections.  It too makes for a reasonable toilet paper substitute in an emergency.

We have been informed by securities that attempts have been made for you to receive your funds, but so far you failed due to abject fumbling and bumbling on our end with the wrong people officials. We are still here in Nigeria -- several of our detail have been eaten by the locals at a gala fete which we kinda sorta should orta gone to -- and we need you to finish this up so we can get out of here before the dinner hour this time.
 
We shall deal directly with you and you deal with those cannibal bastard Nigerians directly and whatever requirements needed.  Hey, we think that's fair.  So we ask you to provide immediately to us how we can tell them how to get hold of you -- just figuratively at this point -- and no one else!
 
NOTE: PLEASE DO NOT PANIC IF YOU ARE INVITED TO A GALA FETE IN NIGERIA.  UNLESS, OF COURSE, YOU ATTEND IT.  
 
 
Fill out your personal details on the below form.
 
 
PRINT OR TYPE IN SPECIFIED SPACES
 
 
PERSONAL INFORMATION'S
 
 
Complete Name : ------------------------------- Country Of Origin: ---------------------
 
Present Address : ----------------------------------- Date Of Birth : ------------------- Sex: ---------------------
 
With What Do You Sex: ---------------------Marital Status: --------------------Occupation: -------------------------------

Tel/Mobile: -----------------Kindly explain if you taste like chicken or not: ------------------------------
 
 
The attached I.D badge I accidentally forgot doesn't belong to Special Agent in charge, Michael J. Anderson; it belongs
to the morale goat from our Nigerian Office; her name is Lady Goatdiva.
Distributing or Editing is highly prohibited, though frequently done amongst you bastards online.
 
Signed By,
Special Agent in Charge,
Michael J. Anderson
Culinary Ingestiveness Division,
Online WTF Unit
OWTF (Field office)
E-mail: agentaderson.m@gmail.com
 
This email and any files transmitted with it are ca-ca and intended for the use of any sumbeeyotch what receives it. If you have received this email, be assured that in our eyes you're a sumbeeyotch. This message contains cornfedental information and is intended for the sumbeeyotch what got it. If you are not believing yourself to be sumbeeyotch, rest assured that we investigated you and concluded beyond any doubt that, yes, you are sumbeeyotch. Please notify this office immediately by e-mail if you have received this e-mail and agree that, yes, you are sumbeeyotch. If you are not going to admit the obvious, we'll photoshop a picture of you with an inflatable ostrich leaving a Motel 6 in Estes Park at 3AM and sell it to Wikileaks.  Yes, we will.  
 
 
This latest version of the FBI was none too interested in further repartee with my character, or pet rock.  But rumor has it that Bill wants to speak to him about those photoshopped photos, in case he'd like one for his collection...

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Wednesday, December 13, 2017

Swiss Swing 'n A Miss

Now THAT'S a Swiss Miss.

She'd heat up any chocolate.

Not so much what one of my recent emailers had in mind, however. 

No, Jose Luis Echeverri was a tad more nefarious in his intentions.

Okay, WAY more.

Read a tad of what the schmuck sent me:


My name is Jose Luis Echeverri,and my late father was a member of   Independent Committee of Eminent Persons (ICEP),Switzerland. ICEP is   charged with the responsibility of finding bank accounts in   Switzerland belonging to non-Swiss indigents, which have remained   dormant since World War II It may interest you to know that In July of 
1997,the Swiss Banker's association published a list of dormant 
accounts originally opened by non-Swiss citizens.I got your email 
address randomly from a website listing,After careful search on the 
Internet data banks for a person of caliber and pedigree and 
upstanding repute,i settled for you.These accounts had been dormant 
since the end of World War II (May 9, 1945). Most belonged to 
Holocaust victims.The continuing efforts of the Independent Committee 
of Eminent Persons (ICEP) have since resulted in the discovery of 
additional dormant accounts - 54,000 in December, 1999.The published 
lists contain all types of dormant accounts, including 
interest-bearing savings accounts,securities accounts, safe deposit 
boxes, custody accounts, and non-interest-bearing transaction 
accounts.Numbered accounts are also included.Interest is paid on 
accounts that were interest bearing when established.  



It goes on for a few more turgid paragraphs basically hinting how I can have 40% of one of these accounts by agreeing to help him out.

Sounds like one of our US-based democraps in Congress or Hollyweird:  they gotta have their hands all over something.  Or someone.

Well, this email literally SCREAMED for an edit, one worthy of the subject material.  One my pet rock, Seymour, was more than happy to concoct:


From: Jose Luis Echeverri <joselechwrites@outlook.com>
Sent: Tuesday, November 28, 2017 11:05 PM
To: Judith Dengler
Subject: 
Please send a bodily appendage that looks like me please oh please oh PUH-LEEEEEEEEEEASE!
 

My name is Josie Linguini Echeverri...or it could be Judith Dengler. WTF does it matter who and what I am? I'm here for crap salad business, not objectification.


My late white male manspreading misogynist father was a member of Irresponsible Committee of Egomaniacal Persons (ICEP), the Switzerland branch of the original ICEP in the DNC located in the Clinton-owned, Obola-wrecked Democrap Party. ICEP is charged with a shitload of assorted high crimes and misdemeanors, usually in association with their close coordination with and by the Clinton Global Crimedation.


 In a somewhat unrelated aside, the ICEP investigates people that have remained dormant since World War II on accounta cuz they're daid. How it was they came to be daid is up for assorted speculations – the war that was in the news at the time mighta had sumpin to do widdit – but they be daid and therefore have kinda had dormancy forced upon them as a result.


I'm eunuchversity edumacated – Berkeley -- so I can figger such stuff out between being triggered and sucking my thumb in a safe room with cupcakes and puppy videos.


It may interest you to know that in July of 1997, there were 31 days on the calendar.


Product of a pricey edumacation, that was.


I got your email address randomly from inside a stall in a public rest room in Height-Ash bury, listing you as someone who violates penguins at New Years Eve parties. After careful search on the Internet data banks for a person lower than you in the snake-spit department of integrity and non-ethics, I found only Democrats in Hollywood and Congress of your sub-caliber and pedigree and contemptible repute, so I settled for you. Al Franken's too ugly to contemplate.
 

Anyway, the continuing efforts of the ICEP – which ran out of funding in 1998 and continues on through Clinton Crimedation grants – have since resulted in the discovery of additional douche nozzles in the Democrat Party and Hollywood – 54,000 in December, 2017, alone. The not yet published lists contain all types of Democrap douche canoes, including lamestream mediocres at cnn and pmsnbc.



Due to the sensitive nature, I need a louver that won't drive me crazy. I need a louver that won't drive me mad.  I don't know what made me write that, but my spell checker was apparently programmed by a Pat Benatar fan.


Anyway, I need YOU to hide these lists of dubiously antecedent and perverse democraps until the 2018 elections are over. Otherwise, I might be blamed for Wiki leaks getting a hold of this sh*t and more democraps winding up on the Hellary Clinton pile of defeated disreputables that should have been up 50 points in the polls between their ears and likely no where else.


Haiti doesn't want several dozens of shipping containers loaded with Onward Together t-shirts from more losing democrap crimepaigns.


All that is required is for you to do is find a good, out-of-the-way warehouse or outhouse to store all this evidence of democrap chicanery in until after 2018. Then again, until after 2020.


F**kstick, it may have to be in perpetuity. That's how bad democraps have become.
 
 
Provide me with your full name, address, and telephone. I might need to hijack your identity before this sh*t storm is over.



Please suspend all disbelief when I tell you that THERE IS NO RISK INVOLVED. The ICEP has already appropriated new identities and witness protection-rated locations to hide out at when this eventually leaks out.


If you help us, you won't get one of those...but we will happily throw you under the bus while we're in hiding.


Pardon me if this is against your morals and integrity, but I'm a democrap and don't have time for any of that kind of nonsense on your part. Help me out and I won't have a bunch of George Soros-paid eunuchversity nincompoops falsely accuse you of something.


If you know what's good for you, write back to me on joselechwrites@outlook.com

Thank you for any response (not too many people are buying this schtick).
Josie Linguini Echeverri  



I'm pleased to say that Jose wanted no further repartee with my character or pet rock.

But I'm sure there's a few more triggered cupcakes calling 911...
 

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Sunday, December 10, 2017

Illiteracy Sucks

Especially when you're an online scammer, claiming to be a barrister from Benin.

Oh sure...he's using a template to WRITE to my character...but is he READING my responses?


*BUZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZER*

Here's how we rolled:


Attention:
This is Director Mark Smith From DHL Company Republic Due Benin. I write to let you know that the the required fee needed for the shipment of your package has been paid. $450. the only money you have to send to Edu Mike now is $205 for Airport Stamp for your package to proceed to your home, 
So i advice you to try all you can to send the $205 today to enable your package ship first thing tomorrow morning to your destination address within 47hours. 
Receiver name....... Edu Mike 
Country........................ Benin
City.......................... . Cotonou 
Amount............... $205USD 
Sender name and address
Director  Mark Smith 
DHL COURIER COMPANY   
 
 
Tell Edu Mike that he'll get $205 from me when an asteroid destroys Benin.  
 
 
My dear the only thing I have to tell you is that if you want to made the payment try to made it in time so that I will proceed in time and if you made the payment get back to me with the reference number and the copy of the payment crip as soon as you made the payment now tell me when are you going to made the payment or you are not ready to made the payment so let me know okay   
 
 
After the E.L.E. asteroid hits Benin, I'll send the money.  
 
 
Which day you their is no more for this your delivery so me when are you going to made the payment I mean which day are you going to made the payment   
 
Long as he can't read, let's play a tad more:

 
Read my previous email response to you carefully, and you'd find therein which day I'm sending the monkey.  
 
 
you are not saying which day you make payment crip.  Which day okay  
 
 
The...day...that...an...asteroid (gimongus space rock of dubious cosmic and geologicedence)..hits..destroys...wipes out...eradicates...eviscerates...BLOWS THE LIVING F**K OUT OF...Benin.  On that day, I will send the monkey.  Not a day before.  And no point in a day after.  You sabe?
 
My character even included the above photo for reference.  It didn't help:
 
 
I am not understand what you say.  what day do you mean okay.
 
 
What we have here is....failure...to communicate.  So here is what I suggest you do:  (1) go to your nearest Hallmark store  (2) ask them for the calendar that has the day on which Benin is hit by an asteroid (3) ask them what day that is (4) if it falls during the seasonal advent of psychic douche canoe and (5) you'll know on what day I'll send the monkey.
 
 
are you not being serious about this  
 
 
Ahhh...a teeny weenie ray of *DUH* is finally sneaking up on your consciousness.  Perhaps you're not the cerebral twat waffle you had convinced me that you were.  Very good...you get a cookie.  
 
 
Okay listing to me if you don't want to send the money in Benin you can make the payment here in the state if you are ready to do that let me know now so that I will give you the payment information which you will use to make the payment here in the state Okay 


Perhaps the lyrics to this song will help..or not, 'cuz you're pretty dumb by all standard measures:
(with no apologies to Peter Gabriel)

Spank the monkey
Spank the monkey

Cover me when I swing
Cover me through the limbs
Something knocked me out' the trees
Now I'm on my farging knees
Cover me, darling please
Monkey, monkey, monkey
Don't you know when you're going to spank the monkey

Fork the fox
Snap the rat
You can rape the ape
I know about that
There is one thing you must be sure of
I can't take any more without drugs
Darling, don't you monkey with the monkey
Monkey, monkey, monkey
Don't you know you're going to spank the monkey

Wheels keep turning
Something's burning
Monkeys in the kitchen but I guess I'm learning

Spank! - spank the monkey, spanking monkey


(and someone paid to write this sh*t)

Cover me, when I sleep
Cover me, when I creep
You throw your swine before the pearls
Spank the monkey blind
Cover me, darling farging please
Monkey, monkey, monkey
Don't you know you're going to spank the monkey

Too much at stake
Ground beneath me shake
And the news is breaking

Spank! - spank the monkey, spanking monkey

Spank the monkey
Spank the monkey
Spank the monkey


(and someone paid to write this sh*t)

There now...can you hear me now? 

Sorta:

Is like you don't need this your fund am asking you which day are you going to made the payment and you don't want to say it my dear am sorry to say this if you are not interested in this your delivery let me know okay   




You can rekindle hope anew after the asteroid hits Benin.  Tell Edu Mike to be patient until then.  He'll be a patient at that point anyway.  

 
 
That means you are not interested with your fund   



Perhaps a little electricity is finally reaching the dim bulb between your ears now.  I will send Edu Mike the monkey when the asteroid hits Benin.  Period. 


Since 'Mark Smith' of Benin's DHL has not responded since then, it would seem that he finally figured out -- or someone there did -- that my character wasn't serious.
 
Or that the asteroid hit....which means, my pet rock insists, that my character has to come up with a monkey to send.  I'll let my pet rock, Seymour, take care of that.

"PHFFFFFFFFFFFFT!!!!"

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Thursday, December 7, 2017

The FBI Gets Thinged

I suspect that the scammer had no knowledge of The Addams Family when he writ and sent this scam to my character:


Federal Bureau of Investigation
Department Of Just ice,
FBI New York 26 Federal Plaza 23rd
Floor, New York 10278-0005.
OFFICIAL LETTER FROM THE FEDERAL BUREAU OF INVESTIGATION ( FBI )WASHINGTON DC.
Attention: Fund Beneficiary,
This will be the first and last we the entire FBI Head Office will remind you about this issue, because it has been long and I believe by now you have got this below message at least more than 4 times still you haven't respond.
Note; The grace given to you as a legal Beneficiary has expired,therefore you are entitled to contact this apex office of the FBI which has been taken care of your fund, or will be directed to the Police Interpol of your Country. Once again, this is a last warningto you because there is no way you should abandon your BOX here in the airport because of Custom required fee $225 which you were later allow you to pay half of it as of now, while the remaining half will be paid as soon as you get your fund.
Contact us via ( 360-986-5348 ) and also email us with the code ; ( NY/fbi-0128 ) For Security Reason.
Reconfirm us the bellow information:
Full name..........
Address............
Mobile number......
Occupation.........
Warning Late Response Will Cost You Another Thing. 


My character never had one Thing, let alone the thought of getting another.


Feeling rather peculiar at this time, I thought it appropo that I let my pet rock, Seymour, handle the edit duties for a letter from the FBI:


Federal Burrito of Investigation
Department Of Just Ice,
FBI New York 26 Federal Plaza
23rd Floor
New York 10278-0005.
UNOFFICIAL LETTER FROM THE FEDERAL BURRITO OF INVESTIGATION ( FBI )WASHINGTON DC.
Attention: 
This will be the first but hardly the last we the entire FBI Hindquarters Orifice will remind you about this issue, because it has been long and winding road full of pot holes and road kill and road apples and all that country shit they sing about and I believe by now you
have got this below message at least more than 4 times even though I said it was the first
but I'm full of shit like the rest of us here in this entire FBI Hindquarters Orifice, and yet still
you haven't respond.

You want us to indict you with crimes against enchiladas?

Note; The grace given to you as a Benedictine monk has expired, therefore you are require
to contact this pox of an orifice of the FBI which has been taken care of violating your stuffed
animals, or this matter will be directed to the Police Interpol of your dubious antecedence. Once
again, this is your first last warning to you because there is no way we can keep track of this shit
very the much longer, wider, in sickness and in health, 'til death do you fart.  And death farts are
grotesquely gnarly, I assure you. 
Should you should your BOX here in the airport -- I think I meaned leave but this English shit is
all Grecian formula to me -- Custom required fee of $225 which you were supposed to pay is still
unpaid and that really fucking frosts us here in this entire FBI orifice.
Do you think that WE pay for our own donuts?  You slack genitaled douche canoe!  We are the
entire FBI Hindquarter orifice and we tell you that not...NOT...abso-fucking-lutely NOT how it
the thing works!
Contact us via ( 360-986-5348 ) and also email us with the code ( NY/fbi-WTF) because we'll
orgasm if you do.  Twice on Sunday.
Reconfirm us the bellow information because we was too stupid to write it down last times:
Full name..........
Address............
Mobile number......
Occupation.........
Warning:  a late Response Will Cost You Another Thing.  What kind of thing we don't yet know
but we're working on that, on this you can bet at 3-2 with times 10 the points on Thursdays.

We are FBI..bum ba dum bum bum bum bum!

I'm not surprised the FBI didn't respond, busy as they are digging out from under the embarrassment caused them by Mueller and Comey's corruption with Hellary...but Farmers wasn't happy my pet rock appropriated their theme music.

"Were TOO!!!  PHFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT!"

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Monday, December 4, 2017

Now Vivian Hates Country Music Too

So does her bannister's donkey.

It very quickly went surreal for poor ol' Vivian Stewart, scamstress, shortly after sending my character this:


My name is Vivian Stewart I live at 8763 Pelican Dr.La Grange IL
    60525,United States. 
    I am one of those that executed a contract in Nigeria years ago but they
    refused to pay me, I have paid over $70,000 USD trying to get my payment
    with no results.
    A person directed me to travel over to Nigeria with all my contract documents to meet Barr Richard Cohen, he is the member of CONTRACT PAYMENT
    COMMITTEE and he is LEGAL ADVISER to the COMMITTEE in the Nigeria, I contacted him and he explained everything to me on telephone and advised me to travel to
    Nigeria ,which I did.
    He said that those contacting us through emails are fake. Then he took me
    to the paying bank, which is CBN (Central Bank of Nigeria),was i receive my payment
    and I am the happiest
    woman after receiving my contract funds of $8.2Million USD.
    In the process of searching for my file,I saw your information on awaiting
    payment list in the office of Barr Richard Cohen  .Though I did not however, see all your contact details lest your fax number.
    Am sorry contacting you so late as I had planned doing it as soon as I
    arrive back home.I have been so busy because we are trying to set up a factory here with the money we received.
    So if you are interested,please do contact Barr Richard Cohen with the
    information below,explain yourself to him . he is a honest and humble
    person. Alternately, mention my name to him he will help you.
    Name: Barr Cohen Richard
    Email:
richardcohen303@gmail.com
    Phone Number:  +2348166351727
    When contacting Barrister Richard, reiterate your details to him as well
    Send the following file number: (PF / TY6574 / UN) He will use the file number on top to easily access your file .
    You must stop keep in touch with those who contact you, they will
    Strengthen your resources until you have nothing to eat. The only money I needed to pay was only GBP 400 for the permission to my
    Funds, Please note that. You can get me involved in this
    Thank you,  



Both she and her bannister, Richard Cohen, were not very prepared for the edit that went back to them:


From: Mrs Vivian Stewart< smrsvivian22@gmail.com>
Sent: Saturday, October 28, 2017 4:48 AM
Subject: Pelican sh*t as far as the eye can see 

    My name is for this template Vivian Stewart I live at 8763 Pelican Dr.La Grange IL 60525,United States.  So do a sh*tload of pelicans.  F**kin' things.

    I am one of those that executed a contract in Nigeria years ago but they gave it CPR, re-attached the head to the text and still it lives as a zombified contract and chases goats around villages there.  Very annoying.  You truly don't know annoying until you execute a contract, it revives and goes zombie on you.
I have paid over $70,000 USD trying to get my contract re-executed with no results.  I think that you'll agree that I am some kind of abject moron that would spend that kind of money just to have a contract well and truly executed.  Kim Jong Un is able to execute things one time and they stay executed.
Maybe he can give me tips.
Anytheway, A person directed me to travel over to Nigeria with all my correspondence on how I wanted that gawddanged contract executed, and wouldn't you just know, the moment I stepped out of the yak cart there they arrested me and put me in jail and called my pappy to throw my bail and he said -- yes, he actually said -- "Viv you gonna drive me to drinkin' if you don't stop whoring in Nebraska's Lincoln".
I think he was already drinkin' when he said that.  Last time I checked a map, there's a bit of geographic differential between Nebraska's Lincoln and Nigeria.  At least a river or two.
So now I got me this atturkey  -- Barr Richard Cohen -- he is the member of CONTRACT EXECUTION  COMMITTEE and he is LEGAL ADVISER to the Dancing with the scars here in the Nigeria, I contracted him and he explained everything to me on telephone and advised me to travel to Nigeria.
*Shake up sound*  Ain't I already there?  What, I say, what the f**k son?
He said that those contacting us through emails are fake. They are actually at cnn and they're doing this on their lunch and meth hours. 
Then he took me on a tour of the cell block, and my surprise there was no midnight special shining a light on me.  I'm really getting to HATE country music about now.
The across the street through my barred winder I seed the CBN (Central Bank of Nigeria), and it was in the process of bein' robbed, and I am the happiest girl in the whole...USA.
Not really.  If I zippity doo dah once more, my genitals will have stretch marks.
 In the process of searching for anything I could use to shiv my atturkey, I saw your information on awaiting contact list in the office of Barr Richard Cohen.  And I am here to tell you that if you get a phone call or email text from that plunger lipped twat waffle. do NOT respond other than with assorted choice epithets.  He's not too bright and thinks that being called a plunger lipped twat waffle is chic.
Am sorry contacting you so late as I had planned doing it as soon as I arrived back from the daily cell block riot that we have every third Thursday of every other month of the odd leap year.  Nigeria's a really f**ked up place, dude...NEVER buy their calendars.
What's more, they have apples and they have pens, and they have no idea what the point of that is.  Uh.
 So if you are interested, please do contact Barr Richard Cohen with the information below, explain yourself in Azerbaijani to him.   He is a moron and will giggle a lot at the weird way you're speaking to him, then he'll hang up and finger his ass for a while.
The donkey will hate you.
 Mention my name to him and the donkey will hate you more. 

    Name: Barr Cohen Richard
    Email:
richardcohen303@gmail.com

    Phone Number:  +2348166351727

    When contacting Barrister Richard, reiterate everything I told you above just the way I writ it.
 You must stop keep in touch with those like me who contact you, they will Strengthen your resources until you have nothing to eat.  What?  My proofreader sez I just writ that wrong.  What the f**k...I'm in a Nigerian prison with lions and tigers and bears oh my.  And apple trees that throw pens.  Uh.
 
And the donkey still hates me.  So does the burro on the right.
The only money I needed to pay was only GBP 400 for the permission to market this as a future Transformer movie to that idiot that made the movie Pearl Harbor so badly. 
The donkey hates him, too.
 Please note that you can get me involved in this but probably should have a frontal lobotomy first.  
 
So far, nothing back from Viv or her plunger lipped twat waffle of a bannister.  They're probably tearing up all their old Hanna Montana sound tracks as I wait...

 




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Thursday, November 30, 2017

And Her Losing Continues

Her crimepaign theme was Forward Together.

To defeat at the ballot box.

After which, Hellary has blamed everything from Russians to global warming on Uranus as the reason(s) she lost.

One look in the mirror would show her who was responsible for her defeat.

At any rate, entitlement-mentalitied Hellary Clinton is back at it again.

This time with a new rehashed group -- Onward Together -- and the same old dishonest message.

Here's what I got on Thanksgiving in a scam baiting email account:

Friend --

There’s a story I tell in my book What Happened that I’ve been thinking about this week. A short while after last November’s election, I attended a dance recital for my granddaughter Charlotte. Now, Charlotte was only two at the time, and as you might expect, she and her friends hadn’t quite mastered their performances.

As I watched Charlotte and her friends laugh and fall down and get up again, I thought about how glad I was to be there, watching my granddaughter have the time of her life on stage.

In a hard year, it can seem impossible to take the time to be grateful. But even as we’re doubling down in the fight to defend our shared values, there is so much to be thankful for. Time with our loved ones. The victories we’ve seen recently. A resistance that is refusing to be silenced by hateful, divisive rhetoric.

And I'm grateful for you.
This warm, smart, big-hearted team has given me so much -- from your support during my last campaign to your kind notes, hugs, and well-wishes. Now I’m asking you for one more thing: not to give up.

If you’re with me,
add your name right now.

May your holiday be warm and full of love,

Hillary

A total jack wagon load of insincere Hellary crap.
Nothing better settles the post Thanksgiving feed than an edit of such crap:
From: Hellary Clinton <info@onwardtogether.org>
Sent: Thursday, November 23, 2017 3:38 PM
To: dnc@hotmail.com
Subject: I lost because of Thanksgiving

 

There is so much to be thankful for.
 
Onward Together!
 
 
 
There’s a story I tell in my book What Happened To My Turn that I’ve been thinking up this week. A short while after last November’s election, I attended a voodoo dance ritual for super fans of mine in the basement of the DNC. Now, you might think that this reflects badly on the DNC, but since I bought them, the DNC is what I make of it.

As I watched our dumbed down hypersensitive millennials cry and scream at the sky and howl and get triggered because I lost to Donald Trump, I thought about how angry I was that 63 million Americans didn't realize it was MY f**king turn and let the Russians, Rush Limbaugh, Fox News and Galapagos Sea Bowels steal my election and coronation from beneath my oversized pants-suited ass.

In a hard year, it can seem impossible to take the time to be grateful. Well, what the f**k have I got to be grateful for???  I'm not sitting on my fat ass in the White House, dictating the terms of your miserable serf lives for the next generation, when I should have been up 50 points and won in a f**king walk.  So even as we’re doubling down in the fight to undermine the values that keep America from becoming a socialist/communist genital wart like Venezuela, there is a few little things to be thankful for. Thankful for having a spineless ninny as Attorney General.  Having gutless opposition like John McCain and Jeff Flake.  Having a lapdog media on our side.  And having our cancerous hateful and divisive rhetoric endorsed by msnbc and cnn.

Granted, I'd love to throw 63 million of you deplorable bastards into a gulag.  Perhaps I'll yet get that chance.  To those of you stupid enough to stand with me and forgive me every lie and every crime I'm committed in the name of...well, me...I'm grateful you're as stupid and "useful idiot" as you are.


If you’re with me, add your name right now.

If you're not, your pending 'suicide' is in the works.


Hellary

 
 

 
You’re receiving this email because you owe Hellary for not having elected her last November.. If you’d like to learn more about how to repent, you can do so here. If you’d like to opt out of receiving more messages like this one, you can plan on getting your ass shipped to that gulag for conservatives soon, because I'm not done trying to screw America. Know someone who is dumb as a door knob and gets triggered when they hear "Trump"?  Forward them this email!
Sent back to the originators of the email, I imagine there's a massive triggering effect going through the voodoo dancers in the basement of the DNC...and a trail of smashed lamps in Chappaqua.
 

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Monday, November 27, 2017

Busted

Dear Hellary:

THAT'S what happened.  Social justice warriors, getting a grip on themselves.  And each other.

She's probably in for a sequel with Harvey Weinstein.

You're probably wondering what Thing is doing in this picture?

So, I imagine, is Thing.  The Addams Famdamily is missing their mail handler.

They could always substitute with Franken.

We always knew that Franken was a douche canoe.  We just had no idea he was as tasteless as he is:

But Bruce does.  Now.

All those years of Wheaties were no help at all.

Franken on supreme groping...

Franken groping for symbolism...

Franken groping one big boob atop his shoulders...


Franken's even groping for words...

Don't worry, we're not off subject here...Calvin's where he is, and you know where Franken's got his grips...


Franken will frankly grope for anything...except facts.

Even the hashtaggers in the animated world are "frankincensed"...


Keep digging, hypocritical lefties.  Keep digging.

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Friday, November 24, 2017

No Thanksgiving For Him

The horse obviously does.

The scammer...not so much.

Say hello to Mr. Stanley -- at least that's the name he eventually settled on -- allegedly of DHL Company.  He initially contacted my character on accounta cuz he wanted to give my character the business.

He don' know my character vewy well, do he?

Yes, this is how the whole conversation went, start to finale:


YOUR REF:CLAIMS/ATM/204

This is to bring to your notice that because of the impossibility of your transferring your funds through Bank to Bank Transfer and Western Union and Money-Gram network and also due to inability of some couier company to deliver your consignment box, we have credited your part-payment total of $10.5millon Usd  valid fund into an (ATM Card Number 5062291022744519) and I have paid the re-activation  fee and the delivery of the ATM Card To you,I paid it because the ATM Card worth of $10.5millon Usd which I have registered it delivery yesterday,it has less than Seven days to expire in the custody of the UPS delivery Company and when it expires, the
money will  go into Federal Government treasury account.

With that we decided to help you pay off the money so that the ATM Card will not expire, because I trust that when you receive your ATMCard definitely you must pay me back my money and even compensate me for helping you.(
Bensir50@yandex.com) With your physical address you desire the delivery to be made so that they can deliver your ATM Card to your designated address without any delay.

Reconfirm this information's to them.

Full name......................
Home address............
Country....................
Telephone...............
Copy of your id card

Like I stated earlier, the crediting re-activation,delivery and the company registration charges has been paid by me, but we did not pay their official keeping fees since they refused,and the reason is that they do not know when you are going to contact them and the demur- rage might have increased by then, They told me that their keeping fees is $30 per day only,and I deposited it yesterday.

Below is the Contact Information of the UPS EXPRESS Customer Service Director Mr.Thomas Charles, Email Address online: (
dhlcouirecompany12@gmail.com)Contact them today and also send them the security official keeping charge to avoid increase of their fees and let me know once you receive your ATM card, Important Notice, your ATM CARD package was registered as a gift so that the delivery agent will not know the content of your package okay.

Below is the Registration Informationls of your ATM CARD SHIPMENT,
SHIPMENT CODE AWB 37XcS
REGISTERED TAG FCSCB77018.
SECURITY CODE SCAT/2012UPS/396/
TRANSACTION CODE 233/CYST/101/86048/
CERTIFICATE DEPOSIT CODE SCAT/BUN/lxiv/-08/02
DEPOSIT CERTIFICATE N0.: 405576

Your faithfully
Mr.Victor Adams
United Nations Compensation 



Annnnnnd it's playtime:


If it ain't free I ain't interested.  



We receive your message.forward your full address to us as we stated to YOU in our first letter to process your ATM MASTER CARD.Below is how you will forward your full address

Name_____________
Country___________
Address__________
Occupation________
Tel____________
Sex_____________
Age______________ 
 
 
 
 If it ain't free I ain't interested.  
 
 
We receive your message.forward your full address to us as we stated to YOU in our first letter to process your ATM MASTER CARD.Below is how you will forward your full address
Name_____________
Country___________
Address__________
Occupation________
Tel____________
Sex_____________
Age______________    
 
 
 
Is it free or not?  
 
 
I receive your message. Your $10.5millon Usd has deposited to our company by Mr.Thomas Charles and all fees has been paid  Once you receive this message get back to us with your full address below are the details.  
 
 

Okay, so long as all fees are paid, then we can proceed: (and I send him the usual bogus info)

 
 
You are welcome to DHL DELIVERING COMPANY, first  of all we do appreciate for your urgent respond to this Company, i want to inform you that  your ATM MASTER CARD$10.5millon Usd was deposited to this Company by Mr.Thomas Charles, to deliver to your new destination and all the delivering fee has been paid by him,now we are proceeding on how to deliver your ATM MASTER CARD to you by tomorrow morning. with due respect dear you advice to pay this $30usd immediately to enable us stamp your package so that it will not be interrupt or delayed by any Custom,s checking point on the way delivering to your home address , and you advice to pay this $30usd immediately to enable us commence on your delivering by tomorrow morning, thank you.    So below are the content details of how you will send this fee via  western union, money gram or Ria money

 RECEIVER NAME………… KOLA AKINWUMI
 COUNTRY………… BENIN REPUBLIC
 CITY…………… COTONOU
 QUESTION…………..God
 ANSWER…………Bless
 AMOUNT………….$30usd
 MTCN…………….
 SENDER NAME………


 
You said that all the fees are paid.  You just included an unpaid fee.  
 
 
 I receive your message all the fees has already been paid like i stated to you before.And the $30 dollars that you are going to pay is to enable us commence on your delivering without  interrupt or delayed by any Custom,s checking point on the way delivering to your home address .
Thanks
Mr.Stanley  
 
 
(now all of a sudden he's Mr. Stanley)
 
 
When you said "no fees" I took you at your word "no fees".  That $30 is a "fee".  Waive it or pay it yourself.  
 
 
Yes the fees has been paid.And the official keeping fees has not been paid since the day deposited your $10.5 ATM MASTER CARD to our company which you have to pay it to enable us stamp your package so that it will not be interrupt,this is the reason.  
 
 
Well, you just go ahaid and pay that 'fee' so you can keep your word, and we can get this thing done.
 
 
I receive your message.Your are the one you supposed to pay for it because is your funds and i don't think $30 is much for you to pay for you to receive your ATM MASTER CARD.  
 
 
You told me at the start that there were NO FEES TO PAY.  Did you lie?  Yes, I think you did.  $30 isn't much, but in view of your lie, it's HUGE.    
 
 
Yes if you go true the message the fees has been paid write and the official keeping fees not been paid by anybody if you go true the message you are going to see everything their,and nobody is lie for about this that is the true because if the official keeping fees is been paid before you are going to see it in the first message that is why i told you to check the message if it is writhing their you are going to see it.  
 
 
Do you write explanatory statements for Hellary Clinton?  Yours was textbook.  
 
 
what you mean with that  
 
 
That is the way you can receive your ATM MASTER CARD because there is no way you can receive it without pay the $30 for official keeping fees.  


I repeat:  you said NO FEES.  That's a fee.  However you choose to misleadingly couch it, it's a fee.  F-E-E.  Doesn't matter the amount.  A FEE is a FEE and you said NO FEES in the beginning.  Honor your commitment.    






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