Monday, September 1, 2014

Messy Bird Coup

Just so's you know, I don't speak French.

I slaughter it good, like in the title.  But I don't speak it.

So when a scammer contacts me widdan email writ in frawg, I drop by Gooble Translate.

Here's how it looked aforehand:

Je suis Mme Claria Williams du Koweït. Je suis mariée à M. Paul Williams .Qui travaillé avec le Koweït ambassade en Côte-d'Ivoire pendant neuf ans avant de mourir dans l'année 2012.We ont été mariés pendant onze années sans enfant? Il est mort après une brève maladie qui a duré seulement quatre jours. Avant sa mort nous étions tous les deux chrétien né de nouveau.

Depuis sa mort j'ai décidé de ne pas se remarier ou obtenir un enfant en dehors de ma maison matrimoniale qui la Bible est contre. Quand mon défunt mari était vivant il a déposé la somme de 3,6 millions de dollars dans une entreprise de sécurité ici à Abidjan Côte-d'Ivoire Actuellement, cet argent est toujours en compagnie de sécurité ici à Abidjan Côte-d'Ivoire.

Récemment, mon docteur m'a dit que je ne serais pas durer pour les huit prochains mois en raison d'un problème de cancer. Celui qui me dérange le plus, c'est mon coup maladie. Après avoir su mon état j'ai décidé de donner ces fonds à une église qui utilisera cet argent de la manière que je vais instruire ci-dessus.

Je veux une église qui emploiera ces fonds pour des orphelinats, des veuves, propager la parole de Dieu et de s'efforcer que la maison de Dieu soit maintenue. La Bible nous a fait comprendre que «Béni soit la main qui donne" .I a pris cette décision parce que je n'ai pas aucun enfant qui héritera de cet argent et les parents de mon mari ne sont pas chrétiens, et je ne veux pas les efforts de mon mari à être utilisée par les non-croyants.

  Je ne veux pas une situation où cet argent sera utilisé d'une manière impie. C'est pourquoi je prends cette décision. Je n'ai pas peur de la mort par conséquent je sais où je vais. Je sais que je vais être dans le sein du Seigneur. Exode 14 VS 14 dit que "le seigneur défendra ma cause et je me tairai,

Je n'ai pas besoin de toute communication téléphonique à cet égard en raison de mon état de santé d'où la présence des parents de mon mari autour de moi toujours. Je ne veux pas qu'ils sachent ce développement. Avec Dieu, tout est possible. Dès que je recevrai votre réponse je vous donnerai le contact de la société de sécurité ici à Abidjan Côte-d'Ivoire.

Je vous publierai également une lettre d'autorité qui vous prouvera le bénéficiaire actuel de ces fonds. Je veux que vous et l'église priez toujours pour moi parce que le seigneur est mon berger. Mon bonheur est que j'ai vécu une vie digne d'un chrétien. Celui qui veut servir le seigneur doit le servir dans l'esprit et la vérité.

S'il vous plaît être toujours dans la prière tout au long de votre vie. Tout retard dans votre réponse me donnera à manger dans le sourcing autre église dans le même but.

S'il vous plaît m'assurer que vous agirez en conséquence comme je l'ai dit ici en.

En espérant recevoir votre réponse.

Restez béni dans le Seigneur.

Bien à vous dans le Christ,

Mme Claria Williams  



And after being put through the GobbleTalk thing, it looked like one of those "my husband died and left me money, now I'm dying and want to leave it to you for windows and organs" heavily-used scammer templates.  They must work, somewhere, because I've been getting them for 15 years.

So I put the email through my own personal translator, aka The Universal Edit Translator by Bonco*, and it came out lookin' sumpin' like this h'yar:


Notice:  Please don't read this sh*t too closely, okay?

I'm Mrs. Williams Claria Kuwait. The whole country, I guess.  I was married to a camel with diseased genitals named Achmed Who worked with Kuwait Embassy Ivory Coast as a shuttle for nine years before he died in the year 2012.  We were married for eleven years without a child?  Of course...how do I have sex with a f**king camel and give birth?


This is a stupid email already.

Since his death I decided not to remarry because I find that I have have sex with whole herd of goats and get just as much out of it as I got with Achmed.  Granted, which the koran is against, but who cares what a religion that celebrates a child molester thinks?  Certainly not me.  Nor when I lived here in Abidjan Ivory Coast.  Of course I'm not sure which "here" I am in just now, because this template I'm using to write to you sucks platypus genitals. 

Recently, my doctor told me that I would not last long enough to survive an intergalactic trip to Alpha Centuri.  I only went to him for painful rectal itch, so I'm not sure why I'd care that I couldn't last long enough to journey there.  It sucks bad enough here.

I want a church that will provide for me a suitable place to have an exorcism ritual to banish crotch crickets from my belly button.  Do you happen to know of one?   I do not want a church that behaves in an ungodly manner, which rules out islam. That is why I am taking this decision. I'm not afraid of msnbc because they suck worse than this email does. 

I did not need any telephone communication in this regard because the only phone here is a hand crank kind, and the handle was recently used to masturbate a donkey.  Yuk.  Just don't tell the local telephone repair person; I do not want them to know about this development. With God all things are possible, but knowing what happened to that hand crank requires me now to have a mind scrub.  Life here in Abidjan Ivory Coast is seriously f**ked up, as you can see.

I will also issue you a letter of absolvence that will prove you had nothing to do with using the hand crank to masturbate the donkey, spank the monkey, or anything else that makes Hillary have those faces she makes.  I want you and the Church of the Perpetual Horkage to always pray for me because I'm about to have a porcupine enema.  You might have a good thought for the porcupine, too...I have a big and unwashed ass.

Please be always into people who use meth throughout your life.  They won't have teeth, but they might understand you.

Please assure me that you will act accordingly as I stated here.

Looking forward to your reply.

Ms. Williams Claria  
 
 
And what thanks did I get for helping Ms whomever-she-is with her email plea?
 
None.  Le silenceo.
 
Another of the scammers I sent it to asked me "why you keep bother me?".  My answer there was "cuz your email still work, Snake Lips".
 
Ask a silly question...

*  Bonco, UnInc, a made up company that makes up products only I would lowlight on this blog...


 

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Friday, August 29, 2014

Making A Meth Of A 400 lb Prune

Actually, the only meth here is this meth lab, knowd as Doobage.  And he has nothing to do with what follows.


I do love email pleas for help from scammers.  It allows me to exercise that inner Christian I have and send it out to run around the block a few times, while the rest of me responds to the scammer.


I don't need a conscience messing up my responses.


Take this one for example:  Ms (spelled a couple different ways) Murielle Yao, who has evil relatives out for her family riches.  And she found ME -- albeit generically -- to help her out:


From Miss Murielle Yao.
Abidjan, Cote D'Ivoire.
West  Africa.
Avenue 12 Rue Reine Abla Poku,
32 Bp 8753 Abj 23, Cote D'Ivoire.

My Dearest one,

Please come to my rescue!. I know that it may sound strange to receive an email from someone you do not know at all, but I am desperate to save my life and future that is the reason I took this bold step and made some research before I got your contact. I have confidence that this is the right step toward the right direction. My name is Miss Murielle Yao and I am from Ivory Coast a country in West Africa . My mother died of cancer just after my birth and I have been with my father who refuses to marry a second wife all through.

Most unfortunately for me, my father had an car accident on his way to one of his Timber exploitation sites. After the accident, he was recovered dead and the burial ceremony was done properly.

My main problem now is that my father's relatives want to make a marriage choice for me in order to secure my father's wealth. They said that if I marry to an outsider, our family wealth will be taken to another people and that they will not accept it. They said it is their right to preserve their family wealth and lineage.

I refused this type of marriage because it is ridiculous for them to compel me to marry an old man of 71 years, a man old enough to be my ground father just to preserve the family wealth. Although I am a young girl of only 20 years old and I believe that I have the right to choose my own husband for myself.  



It went on for several more paragiraffes, but you get the picture.

So whilst my inner Christian was out doing laps, I let my inner four year old -- with some spellcheck help -- take over and edit it up in a manure fitting of the emailer:


Abidjan, Cote D'Ivoire.
West  Africa.
Avenue 12 Rue Reine Abla Poku,
32 Bp 8753 Abj 23, Cote D'Ivoire.

A Place Where You Can Get Eaten A Lotta Ways
By All Sortsa Nasty Thangs


My Dearest one -- whichever one you turn out to be,

Please come to my rescue!  I am a Cote D'Ivoirian, stuck in a refugee camp in Detroit, MI.  I know that it may sound strange, but it's no stranger than being a Sudanese refugee in a Senegal refugee camp with millions of dollars in a European bank.  What could only make it weirder would be if I were stuck in a 'Time Tunnel' experiment, bouncing back and forth through Time, with no way back to the Tunnel complex, even while they can send and recall historical figures and staff with little to no problem.  What the f**k is up with that Irwin Allen, eh?

I mean, I'm sure those of you in the civilized world -- and why the Hell would I waste my scam time writing to people in my neck of the woods, who couldn't read what I writ anyway -- you've seen the old 60s Irwin Allen TV show "The Time Tunnel", right?  Well, if you watch that show closely, you see that their writers were not much for historical accuracy, let alone pay much attention to details.  For example:  in the first show, Dr. Newman tells the captain of the RMS Titanic that he was born in 1938; yet three episodes later, he meets his 7 year old self on December 6, 1941. 
*BUZZZZZZZER*   Common Core dumbed down education was alive and well in Hollyweird even then.  But I digress.
Let me get to what I'm supposed to be doing here once I find it in the instruction template a baboon tried to make off with:  I took this bold step and made some research of online guest books before I got your contact. I have confidence that if I send this letter out to 10,000 email addresses, I'll get at least one nipplehead to take pity on me and reply.  So assuming that you will be that nipplehead...my name is Miss Murielle Yao and this week I am from Ivory Coast a country in West Africa.  Last week I was from Burundi.  Two weeks ago, Toledo.  I've been meaning to have speaks with my handler at this fly-infested internet café here in Lagos, Nigeria about all this jumping around -- I didn't just admit that -- but he's busy strapping down one of my coworkers to an army ant hill, for not meeting the monthly quota.
Believe me:  you're better off working at McDonalds than here.

Most unfortunately for me, my father never got me a job at McDonalds, and before he could get me a job stealing hubcaps from moving cars in Lagos, he had an car accident on his way to one of his "gold plating snake sh*t" souvenir stands. After the accident, he was recovered dead, and no number of saline solution enemas were going to change it, since his head and his ass were rearranged during the accident.

Never, let me say again NEVER collide with an ox cart being pulled by a rhino.

My main problem now is that I have contracted painful rectal itch from my father's relatives -- don't ask how -- and now they demand that I marry an artificial goat inseminator from Gaza, named Achmed. 

This is a weird family, indeed.

I refused this type of marriage because it is ridiculous for them to compel me to marry an old man who has been artificially inseminating goats with what's left of his genital for 71 years.  Granted, while this template I'm working from says that I am a young girl of only 20 years old, the fact is that I'm 65 and look like a 400 lb prune.  Try not to envision that.

This issue is serious. Really.  Really really.  Fortunately for me, this template suggests that my father made a deposit of (USD $8.900, 000.00) Eight Million ninety hundred thousand United state dollars with my name in a bank.  If you believe that, I have a bridge to no where on the planet Uranus I will deed to you as well, at no charge.  Still, that's my story and I'm sticking to it because it's humid here and I haven't had my weekly shower so the paper is sticking to me.

Considering the representation that I am only 20 years now while actually being 65 and looking like a 400 lb prune tends to make me sending pictures of me difficult.  But I will try and attach one, because it is important according to online dating sites that you include a picture of what you look like.  Well if I actually did, the results would be worse than what happened in the South Park episode where 4,000,000 school kids played the 'brown note' on recorders, causing the whole listening world to crap themselves.  Which we here consider no big deal, since we do it all the time.  Someone has to feed the flies.

Please come to my rescue immediately with an email response and a forklift -- 400 lb prunes probably aren't easily moved -- and our god here -- in the form of an empty Coca Cola bottle someone found -- will reward you.  I thank you for taking your time to read this mail and I wait to hear from you and until then, may crotch crickets spare you, unless you don't reply to me...then may your genitals implode.

Yours sincerely,
Miss Murielle Yao
 
 
Despite the fact that I sent this back to the scammer and about 40 of her peers and colleagues, not a one of them wrote back and urged my inner Christian to reconsider here.
 
Which it couldn't have done even had it wanted to:  it was dealing with thigh cramps from the laps around the block....my bad.

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Tuesday, August 26, 2014

Western Union Agent Man

They've given him a number,
and taken away his name....


Johnny Rivers and Patrick McGoohan not withstanding.


I had a real fun exchange with a scammer claiming to be a Western Union agent who apparently operates more than one scam template at a time.  And confuses them.

Turned out all the fun was mine.

It all started with a generic email informing me that the UN said I was due compensation for having been a scam victim and that I was to contact the Western Union address with my name, address, etc.  It was done, and this is what ensued:


Payment Order #: WUMTE-52##09.26/6/2014
Dear Jack N. Ewehoff,

This is to confirm your application for the release of your grant award payment from the on-going United Nations Poverty Alleviation Program.
Your email address is listed among the 7 email beneficiaries approved for the United Nations Cash Grant / Donation this year 2014, and these funds are freely given to you to use for your business, education and personal development.
Be advised that it has been designated that the sum of $ 7,600.00 USD (Seven Thousand Six Hundred United States Dollars) be paid to you daily through the Western Union Money Transfer service as approved by UN, till the total amount of $ 1,500,000.00 USD (One Million Five Hundred Thousand United States Dollars) is paid to you.
As a matter of urgency, in order not to waste more of your time before you start receiving your funds, Please be informed that an activation fee for your first transaction must be paid before the Western Union Payment Center initiates your transaction.
And to this effect, the head of transfer department has not yet activated your first transfer of $ 7,600 USD.
But not to worry much, you will start receiving your daily installment's after we confirm your payment of $ 412.00 USD for your western union account activation, and after that your first installment of $ 7,600.00 USD will be released to you, and other installments will follow in 24 hours.
IMPORTANT NOTICE: Without your payment of $ 385.00 USD for your Western Union Account Registration / Activation, your name can not be activated in the western union database as the receiver of the funds.
You are advised to email or call this office to get details for the payment of your Registration / Activation when you are ready to start receiving your installment payments.
Once the payment of $ 412.00 USD is made by you, your first installment will be released after 12 hours and shall be made payable to you in any western union participating agent location of your choice.
Note: No deductions can be made from your funds because we where not authorized by UN to do so.
 Your complete $ 1,500,000.00 USD was deposited to Western Union by the Attorney of the United Nations Organization, and the funds must reach you in its fullest.
We await a confirmation of your email informing us when you want to settle your activation fee so you can start receiving your installment payments.
If you need to discuss this matter further, kindly provide us with your valid telephone number and a Western Union representative will call you as regards to your
Activation, You may also Decide to Call me personally @ 0060163523584 (+60163523584) to discuss the above issue .
Yours truly,
 Mr Young LileTelephone: 0060163523584
Western Union Payment Service  
 
 

Since I'm due the payout, why do I need to pay you $412?  Explain please.  
 
 

Dear Funds Beneficiary;
Western Union Payment Center has reviewed your message and we will need to clarify you on certain issues regarding your daily payment.
**All Western Union Beneficiaries would be responsible for the cost of endorsement and legalization of his / her documents. This is in accordance with section 13 (1) (n) of the IMF Transfer act as adopted in 1993 and amended on 3rd July, 1996 by the constitutional assembly.
** All funds presently deposited at the Western Union Payment Center must be activated by the Western Union Beneficiary as mentioned in our previous message.
** The fees for activation has been affixed at $ 412.00 and must be paid to the Activation Officer appointed by the Western Union Payment Center, Malaysia. The Activation fee cannot be deducted from the monies at the Western Union Payment Center and hence must be provided by the beneficiary of the daily payment.
** Declination from collecting your daily payment of $ 7,600.00 USD is an option and it is allowed; This will mean that the monies deposited at the Western Union Payment Center will be returned to the UN. In an event where Western Union Beneficiary is not fully convinced that this is a legitimate offer and not a hoax / scam; The Western Union Beneficiary has full right to decline from collecting the $ 7,600.00 USD. This can only be done by requesting a Western Union Disclaimers Form, to have your name totally removed from the entire Western Union Payment Center data base. A Disclaimers Form which contains a declaration of forfeiture will be sent to you should such a case arise.
** Having gone through the above paragraphs carefully, you now have two options. You may now decide to;
1. Provide the required activation amount, and thus have your payment activated.
OR
2. Request a Western Union Payment Disclaimers Form, to have your transaction cancelled and your name totally removed from the entire Western Union  Data base.
Get back to us, as we are already behind schedule.
Yours truly,

Mrs. Helen KuanTelephone: 00601 6254 3857  
 
 
I think I understand your point, but my point is that if the money is truly owed me, I am unable to understand why I am expected to kick in any kind of fee to get it.  That isn't how business works here.  Your thoughts?     
 
 
Their thoughts were apparently to hit one of obozo's 're-set' buttons or something:
 
 

 
Attention Beneficiary:
Please we want you to re-confirm your full information's to us to enable us start sending your fund.
Your name:
Your country and city:
Your phone number:
Copy of your passport:
With this we will start the transaction today.  Thanks  
 
 
I do not have a passport.  Would some other form of ID be okay?
Your name:                    Jack N. Ewehoff
Your country and city:   USA    Los Angeles CA
Your phone number:       323-***-****  
 
 
Now it starts to get funny, at least to me, as it becomes apparent that the scammer is running more than one scam, and has mixed his scams with yours truly:
 
 
You are welcome to the Western Union Money Transfer  Burkina Faso Office. First of all we apologize for our late respond. As per your mail, We in instructed by Mrs.Suzan Amadu, who is presently in U.K and them Authorize us to transfer the  Amount of Two Hundred Thousand US Dollars ($200,000.00 USD) via our services. The arrangement is that you will be receiving the sum of Five Thousand Dollars ($5,000.00 USD) on a daily bases until you have fully received the complete amount of ($200,000.00 USD). This is to avoid complications with our Western Union outlet in your city.

We have the first payment of $5,000.00 here but we agreed that you will come up with our transfer charges of $412.00 before we can give you mtcn number which you can use pick up this first payment in your city $5,000.00.

HERE IS THE FIRST PAYMENT INFORMATION.

SENDER NAME:::::::PATRICK OUN
MTCN::::::::::::::::::::::  
RECEIVER NAME::::::: JACK N. EWEHOFF
AMOUNT:::::::::::::::::::$5,000.00 USD ONLY
QUESTION::::::::::::::::: OK
ANSWER:::::::::::::::::::: OK
 
HERE IS OUR WEB SITE.  www.westernunion.com WE WILL SEND YOU THE MTCN NUMBER AFTER YOU SEND THE TRANSFER CHARGE TO US.

Send the $412.00 to enable us give you remain information so that you can pick up the $5,000.00. send it through our office Western union money Transfer  or money gram with the information below is one of our workers here:

 Name............... Ernest Okeke
Country............ Burkina Faso
City............... Ouagadougou
Text Question : .........Ok
Answer ......................Ok
AMOUNT.................. $412.00 usd only
MTCN.......................  
 
 
I'm sure that my urgent respond is highly needed.  But, but and but:  it appears some of the amounts have changed here along with why I'm receiving this fund in the first place.  Not that I'm one to stand on cere-money or anything...but beyond your obvious confusion, my final but: since the UN and/or Suzan Amadu is providing me this fund, isn't they/she paying the shipping fee?  Alternative to that, I authorize you to withdraw $412 from my first $5000 debit.   
 
 

THE REASON WHY WE NEED YOU TO SEND US THE $412 USD IS THAT WE TRIED TO DEDUCT THE TRANSFERRING FEE OUT FROM YOUR FUND BUT THE MINISTER ADMINISTRATOR TRUST FUND OF BURKINA FASO TOLD US THAT NO ONE HAS ACCESS OVER YOUR FUND AS IT HAVE BEEN SIGNED AND STAMPED THAT NO MONEY SHOULD BE DEDUCTED UNTIL IT GETS TO YOU TO AVOID ANY MISUNDERSTANDING BECAUSE IF ANY ONE HAS ACCESS TO THAT IT WILL INVOLVE YOU LOOSING YOUR FUND.
 
SO WE WILL ADVISE YOU NOW TO SEND THE TRANSFER CHARGE TO US, I PROMISE YOU THE SAME DAY YOU SEND THE TRANSFER CHARGE YOU WILL RECEIVE YOUR FIRST $5,000 THAT'S ONLY PROMISE I CAN GIVE YOU NOW. 
THANKS.
 
DR.PATRICK ONU.
WESTERN UNION AGENT.  
 
 
Well, since the fund has been declared mine, I am hereby approving Western Union to make said deduction of $412 USD from my first scheduled payment.  You may forward this email to the bank as proof of my authorization.  
 
 
Is not possible. If you need your fund send the transfer charge or come down in person here that is all can be done now.  
 
 
How would I go about coming down there in person?  Explain that option, please.
 
 
What explanation do you need from us? If you want come down here to see everything by yourself is better look for visa and come you have our office address then you will sign some document that will give us order to deduct any fee from your fund you are only person who can do that here in person.  
 
 
That sounds reasonable.  Where are you specifically?  How best do I come there?
  
I'am in Ouagadougou, Burkina Faso, here is our address again No,12 Koudougou Street, Ouagadougou, Burkina Faso, Tel number: +226 78 39 94 80 if you land at Burkina Faso airport call us with the number if you can't locate our office we will come and pick you.  We are waiting to welcome you soon.  
 
 
(I'm sure they are LOL).
 
 
Let me do some research on how to fly there and I will let you know if it seems practical to make the trip.  I have never been to Africa, and the thought of foreign travel does entice me.  I will advise.  
 
 
OK, We are waiting for you.  
 
 
Well, it was a nice thought for a moment.  But you want me to wire you $412, and it would cost me at least $4000 to travel to Burkina Faso and back.  Plus, the travel agent I spoke with said that Burkina Faso is not a safe place right now, and with the ebola outbreak in Nigeria, may be even less safe.  So I guess I have to send you the money, right?  
 
 

The virus called ebola outbreaks is not in our country is not in all Africa counties the virus is in some of Africa counties but not all and that will stop soon. Since you can not come down again and you want to send the transfer charge to us no problem with that, Go ahead and send it with the information giving to you before. After you send the fee forward us the payment slip as soon as we receive it you will receive your first payment the same day. 
Below is the information you will use again:
 Name: Ernest Okeke
Country:Burkina Faso
City:Ouagadougou
Text Question:Ok
Answer:Ok
AMOUNT:$412.00
MTCN: ......................
We are waiting for the payment information from you.  
 
 

I have the money to send...just explain to me why I am sending it to someone in Burkina Faso?  How is it that the money for me wound up there?  
 
 

WE HAVE EXPLAINED EVERYTHING TO YOU BEFORE, REASON WHY WE NEED YOU TO SEND US THE $412 USD IS THAT WE TRIED TO DEDUCT THE TRANSFERRING FEE OUT FROM YOUR FUND BUT THE MINISTER ADMINISTRATOR TRUST FUND OF BURKINA FASO TOLD US THAT NO ONE HAS ACCESS OVER YOUR FUND AS IT HAVE BEEN SIGNED AND STAMPED THAT NO MONEY SHOULD BE DEDUCTED UNTIL IT GETS TO YOU TO AVOID ANY MISUNDERSTANDING BECAUSE IF ANY ONE HAS ACCESS TO THAT IT WILL INVOLVE YOU LOOSING YOUR FUND AND WHY IN BURKINA FASO IS BECAUSE YOU HAVE SOME FUND THERE WITH US IF NOT YOU WILL NOT BE SENDING MONEY HERE.   WE ARE GIVING YOU OUR FULL ASSURANCE THAT NOTHING WILL HAPPEN TO YOUR FUND AS SOON AS YOU SEND THE TRANSFER CHARGE WE WILL START YOUR TRANSFER IMMEDIATELY.  
 
 
Just so I understand this fully:  if I send you an email authorization to allow you to deduct the $412 from my account for the fee, officials there will not accept that authorization from me, even though they have authorized this account payment to me without any documentation from me heretofore?  It seems to me that the officials there are backwards in their operations and thinking.  Clarify that for me and we can proceed.  
 
 
Thanks for your mail, I have asked about that on your behalf before but them said no authorization will be accepting here if not the receive to send transfer charge or come down in person here. My dear the only thing will be done here is you come down if you don't want to send the transfer charge again.  THIS IS AGREEMENT BETWEEN US, MRS SUZAN AMADU, AND MINISTER ADMINISTRATOR TRUST FUND OF BURKINA FASO.  
 
 
So I guess the UN is officially out of it now?  'Prolly just as well...crooked bastards:
 
 
Well, I guess that's it.  I send the transfer charge, come down in person, or allow this opportunity to slip through my fangers.  I guess I'll send the transfer fee.  
 
 
Thanks for your mail, We are waiting for the transfer charge soon so that we can carry out the transfer.  
 
 
I regret that I won't be able to do this until Thursday.  I hope that is okay?  
 
 We don't know what the condition is that make you keep delay send the fee  But we are waiting for the fee tomorrow been Thursday as you promised again please try your best and send the fee tomorrow so that we can start sending your fund to you.  

Time for some of those good ol' Seymour PetRock $100 bills again, of which five I attach to the email along with this:

 
I am sending the fee today.  I am actually sending you extra so as to make up for my being late.  Do you have a good quality color copier?  
 
 
Hello,  What is this? We don't understand  
 
 

Oh, I guess I should have explained.  Sorry.  You download the attachments in the previous email.  Print them off on a quality color copier.  And then you cash them at your bank, and wha la, the fee is paid.  And I sent you an even $500, so there's enough for you to take the wifey out for dinner or something.   I hope that clarifies it for you.   So what will be my wait time on receiving my ATM card?  
 
 
soon   
 
 
I do believe he's pissed.
 
 

 
Excellent.  Don't you just love it when everything works out exactly as God intends for it to?  
 
 
are you for real?  
 
 
Of course.  Every bit as real as Suzan Amadu, the UN and your email offer.  God is working well here, don't you think?  I am assuming, of course, that you believe in God, and not in an empty soda pop bottle.  That would be most unfortunate for you if you believed in an empty soda pop bottle instead of God.  If that were so, you wouldn't have got the fee payment I sent you, you know?  
 
 
there is something wrong with you  
 
 
Well yes...I didn't know it showed from here.  I have gas.  
 
 
you have waste my time?  
 
 
That and probably anything else with olfactory capabilities within range of one of my farts.  I can package one up and ship it to you if you wish.  
 
 
stop nonsense already.  if you don't want your fund say so.  
 
 
Heck, fella, of course I'd take it.  I paid you for it didn't I?  
 
 
don't write to me no more you stupid man  
 
 
And just when I thought we had a working relationship.  I think that I will keep writing to you because we have a working relationship, y'know?  
 
 
stop now.  i know who you are.  
 
 
I hope to tell you that you do...I gave you all my informations, y'know.  I said to myself, "Jack, he knows you now", and myself said "damned straight he do".  So see, I know you know me.  It's good to know people.  People who know people are the luckiest people in the world.  Unless the people you know have gas.  Then not so lucky.
 
 
please stop writing.  
 
 
Okay, give me your phone number and we can start talking instead.  Can you hear me now?   I can fart on the phone...there's nothing like hearing one to believe it.  
 
 
I am sorry to say that my scammer will not get to hear my character fart on the phone.  Particularly since my pet rock had turned on the exhaust fan in preparation...
 



 

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