Too Much Sex For One Scammer

My bad.  I'd wash my word processor out with soap, but that'd break it.

Which would be fine with (faux) Barrister Gregory Jones, after what I dun Ma to his email, while inferring that what I responded to was what he sent.

There's certain 'stuff' that he no like.  More on that shortly.

At any rate, (faux) Barrister Gregory Jones sent me one of those great "need your help to screw you" emails that I receive so many of.

I decided to edit it, and then send it back to him and inquire if the message I was responding to was what he meant to send.

Obviously, it was not:


Subject: FROM BARRISTER GREGORY JONES,GO THROUGH THE DETAILS AND GET BECK TO ME (Note:  the title of the email I did not edit; pretty much everything else to follow...yawp).

Thank you immensely for your prompt flatulence. When I saw your reply, I said to myself, "a f**king MUGU!!  Oh, goodums goodums!!!"   Yes, I really said that.

 

 

I talk to myself after head-butting a tree a few dozen times as a child.  But I digress.

This transaction is going to be 100% legitimately executed with a Zulu spear because it will undergo multiple puncture wounds at close range.  All legal documents to make this legal has been prostrated in your name and will, and I assure you that your wife, if you have one, is already making dates with other men in anticipation of your demise, because I talked to her last night.

 

 

Oh f**k...I wasn't supposed to reveal that yet.

I contacted you because of your known gullibility which I learned of at Fubar.  Why would you post on Fubar that you are an intellectual eunuch with the dick of a snail darter? 

 

 

This is all very laughable to me.

 

 

I have successfully arranged an elaborate hoax involving chickens, voodoo and a rubber snake dildo, and all that is now lacking is the vuvuzela orchestra to play the intro and closing marches.  Probate registry here is putting the odds in my favor that the vuvuzelas will not be able to play "Chopdicks" in C-flat.

 

 

The reason I dearly need your corny poopy is based on the fact that I haven't had any corny lately, and my poopy has been corny deficient.  I look to you to fix this.

 

 

Without that, the bank has recently served me their last notice as the attorney to the last known corny poopy here, threatening to turn the entire fecal matter over to a mad and marauding gang of baboons.  I can assure you that this is not a good turn of events.

 

 

Having searched endlessly for the right shirt to wear with blaze pink pantaloons, I am at my wits end.  What f**king moron wears blaze pink pantaloons? 

 

 

Whether it is nobler to suffer the slings and arrows of pissed off pygmys, than to be run into by an out of gas Yugo, is not something that William Shakespeare ever thought to write into Hamlet.  The side of fries was hard enough.

 

 

The issue of not being biologically related to tyrannosaurus vaginas is really at the heart of why they cancelled Senegal Bandstand.  Besides, the show sucked.

 

 

On that note, that will be the next place that Keith Olbermann will be fired from. 

 

 

Our meeting through a medium didn't come off because I am told that I have the psychic ability of a rhino turd.  This was not nice to think.  For us to make any meaningful progress, we must establish a sincere trust for botulized egg rolls and embrace them like an aunt with shingles while i do the same to a toaster twatwaffle.

Now it will please me a lot if you will be able to play the African National Anthem in your arm pit, meet you in person, stake you down to an army ant hill, and watch you consumed by genuine African hospitality.

In your return of this mail send to me all of the phone numbers of your old girl friends.  I'd like to smell them to see if any of them taste like chicken, rather than tuna.

 

 
You can call me as soon as you recover from read my mail on +228-91-25-82-06
Yours faithfully,
Barrister JONES GREGORY.
A former witch doctor turned gynecologist turned used goat salesman turned Nancy Pelosi, which I am STILL F**KING PISSED ABOUT

 

 

Of course at the top of this message,  I had started out thus:

 

 

Sir,

 

I have carefully read what you've sent me, and I must ask...is this REALLY what you meant to send me?  Is this some kind of joke?

 

Ben

 

Well, the ol' Barrister apparently bothered to re-read what he'd originally writ, and responded thus:

 

 

u r unserious ass.  dont write me no more f**k stuff.

 

 

So are you telling me that YOU didn't write that crap up top?

 

 

(Faux) Barrister Gregory Jones is no fun...he won't have scam with me no mores.

That Voodoo That They Do So....Badly

Some scammers on occasion try to threaten me with "the occult".

Others, a mere mention of it gives them the heebie-geebies.

Either way, works for me  ;-)

My pet rock, Seymour, was trying to do what he called a "voodoo booga booga" dance on the entertainment center, but all he did was roll off with a *THUD* while the rest of his assembled pals there laughed hysterically.

"Did NOT!!"

Anyway...

A claimed "former contact" of mine -- so he says -- wrote to me under the name of Morgan Hill, and claims that he has memories of me trying to help him move funds before...*face palm*.  Many scammers have written to me as "undisclosed recipients", so I'm sure he's confusing me with someone else he tried to play.

Anyway...he's *back*...so he says...and he wants to 'reward' me for my earlier help, even if it didn't work out for him the first time.

In Scamland, this is kinda like twice-baked potatoes, or refried beans.  Only kinda.

At any rate, having my hands quite full with two ongoing scambaits, I decided to have some editing fun with ol' Morgan:

FROM: Dr. Morgan Hill       Pan Africa Wart 'n Bimpf Removal Services Dear good friend, I am glad to inform you that I finally succeed in ridding myself of those sinus genital warts I got from my illicit relations with that horrible trollope, Esther Kwambe ( kwambe_esther@yahoo.fr) after we shared sex with a Congo Platypus last year.  I did not forget your past advice to have my penis surgically removed so that I could not infect our local goat herd with this scourge, and have since gotten along with a prosthetic zucchini.  The goats got it anyway, because you gave me that friggin' advice a day late.. What I owe you for that goes beyond mere words...I have a local witch doctor working on it now, but I digress. I have been seeking all along another opportunity to 'thank you' for what you did to...er...for me, just in case the witch doctor is an inept ninny.  I have thus secured the services of a trained toilet snake licker by the name of Emmanuel Joshua, who specializes in things too kinky and weird to spell out in this email, though he does hold the record for the most animals stampeded in one elevator after he crowded them all in there and farted, in 2012.  You can email him at the  email below, OR you can phone him in the middle of the night -- he loves being awakened after a drunken binge when he's home alone, spanking the monkey in his sleep -- at +234 8061100487, which is also the Nigerian 900 number equivalent to Have Your Monkey Spanked By Madam Esther Kwambe For Only $9.95 A Minute (long distance and perversions rates apply).   His email:  wumt_ubagroup@careceo.com  He loves to hear heavy breathing from yaks and wildebeests, so if you can arrange a recording of that, he'll be EVER so grateful. Mention my name and he'll probably have the witch doctor try to shrink my prosthetic zucchini, so please mention Joe Biden, instead. Email:   wumt_ubagroup@careceo.com Tel:     Tel: +:+234-8061100487 Attn:    Emmanuel Joshua Please do let me know immediately if the witch doctor's incantation turns you into a door knob, so that I can share the joy. In the moment, I am very busy here because my prosthetic zucchini just fell off and I think I'm going to go kick that witch doctor's ass.   Best regards, Dr. Morgan Hill Pan Africa Wart 'n Bimpf Removal Services

"We Can Fix Warts Eating You...Hahahahahahaha, We Funny!"

Not sure how "Dr" Morgan Hill took my edit; I got a response that was void of text.

Perhaps the boogerman got him...

*THUD*

Seymour just rolled off the entertainment center again...

How NOT To Compliment The Season

This is a good filler photo every so often.

Have you ever had an email that started with "Compliment of the season"?  I've had a few over the years, and I've always moved past that salutation to deal with whatever the contents of the email were.

This time, I decided to address the issue directly with the sender (aka, a scammer).  Now, there was most likely going to be no exchange, because when I respond to scammers with questions quite off the subject, as often as not they don't bother to reply to me further. 

I guess they have somewhat literate-in-English handlers.

But this one -- representing herself as Esther Kwambe of the Ivory Coast, but most likely a dude from one of their fly-infested internet cafes -- actually and foolishly engaged my question via email, albeit briefly:


Me: "What compliment is this season deserving of, do you reckon?"

Scammer: "i am not understand you question?"

Me: "You wrote, 'compliment of the season'; I ask how so and why?"

Scammer: "it is not important to what i wis...h to speak with you abouts".

Me: "It's important to me to know how this particular season is deserving of a compliment and why..this is very important".

Scammer: "why?"Me: "Because in the karmic scheme of mice and the cats who eat them, to everything there is a season, and an inappropriate compliment to an undeserving season is bad form in certain venues. Do you follow me?"

Scammer: "do you have fun with me?"

Me: "So it appears. Do you think it's complimentary to the season at hand?"


This brought an end to our email exchange through one of my addresses.  But lo and behold...I got the exact same email from allegedly the exact same person through a second address as well. 

*TOING*

Since I already have two active scambaits going, I thought it'd just be simpler to edit this one in one of my less than mannerly versions.  And if I'm right about this scammer actually being a dude, parts of this email will probably go right over his head.

Perhaps you'll see what I just did there..or not:


Subject: Compliment of the season.

Compliment of the season:  ASSHAT DOUCHENOZZLE.

Please if you are willing to critique this compliment of the season, indicate your interest in replying me through my private Email   ( kwambe_esther@yahoo.fr )

This message might come to you as a surprise. The chosen compliment of the season might too.  However, I don't give a soda straw f**k because this is not why I write. 

I am Miss. Esther Kwambe. the only Daughter Of Mr. And Mrs. Joseph Kwambe from Ivory Coast. I am an Orphan being that I lost my Parents. I put them in a box on a shelf somewhere, and not I can't find them.  Oh well...I had just been grounded when this happened, so phfffffffffft on them.

My Father was a serving director of the Sodomy board in Ivory Coast here durring His days, and he'd prance around the hut in a tutu at night, doing the Macarena.  Now you see why I boxed him along with my mom, who worked as a surrogate parent for infertile gazelles.  Small wonder I am a twisted personality.

Before his disappearance when I boxed them both he told me that he deposited a huge sum of $10.5 million in a Security Comapany here in our country.  He told a lot of whoppers in his time, and it's a wonder that Burger King didn't hire him as a spokesdork.

I want you to do three things:  (1) cast your vote on my 'Compliment of the Season', since I can win a vaginal rebushing here if I get enough votes, and mine is already so used it's hanging down around my knees when I stand; (2) help me to determine if the money my boxed father told me about are real of just another of his meth 'n Pepsi hallucinations, and (3) get me the centipede fornication OUT side my country so that I can start sponging off your free welfare, healthcare, cell phones and other stuff that we can't get here, because this place sucks.

My plan is, in the words of the puppet Kim Sung IL, "a very good pran", and I have work long and hard on it between stuffing my saggying vagina back into place.  This is my reason for writing to you.

Oh, and because my sources here tell me that you're a gullible dumbass.

Please if you are willing to assist me indicate your interest in replying me through my private Email ( kwambe_esther@yahoo.fr ).  If you're not, I hope you get genital wartative demeaning plebney, whatever that is.


Thanks and conditional best regards depending on your reply; I have a voodoo doll to start sticking if you don't.
Your new nightmare with a hanging vagina,
Miss.Esther Kwambe. 

Whoever is playing the woeful Ms Kwambe didn't bother to further the discussion about season compliments or hanging genitilia, but a former scammer I engaged -- Christ John, christjohn252@yahoo.co.uk -- demonstrated that his months-ago threat to never speak to me again wasn't holding up:

STOP WITH THIS ALL YOU JUNK!

Ah, so you ARE STILL READING THESE, eh?  Now that I know that, I'll make sure you don't miss a single one!

And I promptly forwarded him 25 of the last and most recent edits.

My pet rock, Seymour, says I am such a sh**.

He's right.

Who's Yer Mummy?

Of corpse it is what it appears to be:  a mummy.

Why, you ask?

Well, I'll let you take a guess by viewing a brief snippet from a recent scammer:



I am MR. SAI MUMUNI. An accountant by profession, I'm presently working at the office of Bill and Exchange Department of Bank Of Africa (BOA). I am married with three children. My residences address No: 7 avenues Ave la 22 avenues de la Kanazoe Ouaga sect.: 21. Box Postal: 01 bp 5256 Ouagadougou Burkina Faso . My Private Telephone No is +226 75128222. Concerning what I need from you about this transaction. Although based on mutual trust and understanding. As you will lead me in establishment over in your country. Concerning the transaction at hand, as this cannot be done by email alone.
 
Meanwhile, I would want to detail you a little on the fund to be transferred to your account. This is not stolen money rather, a discovered abandoned money belonging to one of our late customers by name DR. GEORGE BRUMLEY who died some years ago in a plane crash together with his family living behind his contract sum unclaimed in our Banking Custody.
 
 According to one of our banking policies which stipulate that after some years of unclaimed fund, the fund will automatically go into the treasury of our bank as an unclaimed dormant fund. That's why I want to use you as next of kin to the deceased customer and claim out the fund. Importantly and as I discovered, my bank does not know that DR. GEORGE BRUMLEY has no next of kin which makes it easier for you to stand in as next of kin to the deceased person. It's only me and my colleagues who knew that DR. GEORGE BRUMLEY has no next of kin...



And you know where it goes from there.  Have you now figured out how a mummy got wrapped into this?  Of course you see what I just did there...

Anyway, I did one of my annoying 'edits' and sent it back to Sai and 50 of his friends and colleagues.  Only Sai apparently took umbrage.  But first, the edit:



Subject: DETAILS TO SPANK THE MUMMY

Hello,   Yes, you read this right.  I want to spank the mummy.  I need your help to do it.        Whatever you do, do NOT call me immediately on phone!  If my boss found out what I was planning to do on office time, he'd fire my perverted ass!  So whatever you do, do NOT call me at + 226 75128222.         I state my details as follows:   I have the dishonor to be MR. SAI IT AINTSO.  An up and coming masturbator -- see what I just did there? -- and sock puppet sodomizer by profession, I'm presently working at the office of Duck Bill & Genital Exchange Department of Bank Of African Fowled Genitals (BOAFG). I am married with three children who refuse to know who I am because of what I do. My residences address No: 7 avenues Ave la 22 avenues de la Kanazoe Ouaga sect.: 21. Box Postal: 01 bp 5256 Ouagadougou Burkina Faso .  My business number which you are NEVER TO CALL is +226 75128222.

 

Concerning what I need from you about this transaction:  I want to spank the mummy.  No, not like your mummy and who's yer daddy if you happen to know....I mean like mummy in Cleopspanktra kind of mummy.  You've heard of sexual bondage?  Well....I'm into sexual bandage.  I saw it parodied once on South Park, and for me it will never be the same old "spank the monkey" nonsense ever again.

 

 

 

No flat banana puree for this perv.  Nuh-uh!

 

 

 

Concerning the transaction at hand, a firm grip is needed.  How's that grab ya?  Trust me:  spank the mummy  cannot be done by email alone.

 
Meanwhile, I would want to detail you a little on how I plant to spank the mummy with your help:  one of our late customers by name DR. GEORGE BRUMLEY -- a disreputable pervert who did prefer to spank the monkey, only to learn too late not to spank a live and full-growd one -- died some years ago and was mummified at the request of King Rootintootin of Abysmalania, a delapidated housing development in Chicago.

 

 

 

 According to one of our obscure policies it stipulates that employees cannot spank a late mummified customer.  But it says nothing about the mummified spouse of DR. GEORGE BRUMLEY, BEULAH, who was accidentally mummified at the same time, after during a barlighting episode in Dearborn, MRS. BRUMLEY was mistaken for Nobama Bin Laden by an off-duty SEAL.

 

 

 

Actually, Nancy Pelosi in total darkness looks better than MRS. BRUMLEY in mummified form, but that's a whole 'nother issue or issue not.  Before I digress into how Sandra Fluke resembles Fatima the Camel at Fast Sa-heed's House Of Violently Ill Hamas & Jay Con Carney, here is the main reason I think that I write to you:  I want to use you as next of kin to the mummified MRS. BRUMLEY  so that you can get me visitation to spank the mummy.

 

 

 

There is no risk about this for its 100% risk free* as I will provide you with some vital documents related to the mummified corpusle of MRS. BRUMLEY and a test of APPLICATION LETTER OF CLAIM which you will answer all questions "True by reason of camel genital abuse as child", and then will resend to mausoleum fax line, introducing you as next of kin to MRS. BRUMLEY and also instructing the mausoleum to allow me in to "pay my respects", whereat that time I will spank the mummy.

 

 

 
WhatEVER you do, could you NOT call me on the above phone number immediately you receive this email?  Email is risky enough.  My primate email is  sai_mumuni@yahoo.fr

 

 

Eagerly waiting for your urgent response. 
My Regards,
MR SAI IT AINTSO

mummy spanker

also knowd to do an inflatable Dianne Frankenfeinstein dummy when drunk enough 

 

 

  As I said, the email drew no responses from Sai's peers, but he was not terribly comprehending:



what is this?  this not what i send to u.



It isn't?  Dang...it's what I received.  You are one sick bastard, Sai. 



do not call names!  u want do busness or not? 



Answer me this, Sai:  why would I want to do business with a sick bastard like you who says the emails he sends are not the emails he sent, hmmm?  And you are a sick bastard.  Spank the mummy?  You is one sick, sick bastard.



From the resulting silence, I reckon we're not gonna do any business.  I wouldn't do business with a mummy spanking sick bastard, anyway  ;-)

The Pterydactyl Chronicles - II

Well...I thought that the image of a "carrier pterydactyl", landing on and collapsing their roof -- and the three days of silence that resulted -- was the end of Alou Aloustos and his scam.

*BUZZZZZZZZZZZZZZER*

Alou decided to introduce me to the courier company that he would use to deliver me the non-existant check.

So here -- with limited comment interruption from yours truly -- is how Part II played out, email by email:


Dear Andrew Green,

This is to inform you that i have received the information you sent.

Below is the contact of the courier company:

NAMES:Apex Courier Company.E-MAIL:apexcourier397@yahoo.com

You are to contact the courier company since i will be going there this morning to deliver your package.
Please adhere to any instruction they will give you so that we can have a smooth delivery of your package.

Keep me informed as you discuss with them.
Thanks and God bless,
Alou

And thus enters, stage Left, the "courier company" (which is always in caps as sent to me):



　ATTENTION ANDREW GREEN,

WE HAVE RECEIVED YOUR PARCEL SENT TO US BY YOUR PARTNER(MR.ALAN).

YOU ARE TO PAY OUR COURIER FEE OF $499 ONLY.
YOU ARE THEREBY REQUESTED TO RESPOND TO US SO THAT WE CAN INFORM YOU ON HOW TO SEND THE FEE ACROSS.

WE WILL ALSO SEND YOUR TRACKING NUMBER TO YOU AS WE HEAR FROM YOU.
REGARDS,
APEX COURIER.



Fine...please send me your GPS coordinates to ship the $499 to you without delay.
Andrew



 ATTENTION,
YOUR MAIL WAS NOTED TOGETHER WITH THE CONTENT THEREIN.
BELOW IS THE INFORMATION YOU WILL USE IN SENDING THE FEE.
SEND THE FEE THROUGH WESTERN UNION MONEY TRANSFER.

NAME:FRIDAY JUDE CHINYERE

LOCATION:LAGOS-NIGERIA

TEXT QUESTION:MICKY

TEXT ANSWER:MOUSE

SEND THE FEE THROUGH WESTERN UNION MONEY TRANSFER AND SEND THE MTCN NUMBER TO US HERE SO THAT WE CAN INFORM MR.JUDE TO GO AND PICK THE MONEY.
WE WILL SEND YOUR TRACKING NUMBER TO YOU AS WE HEAR FROM YOU.

PLEASE NOTE WE HAVE RECEIVE YOUR PARCEL SENT TO US BY YOUR PARTNER(MR.ALOU).

YOU ARE TO PAY OUR COURIER FEE OF $499 ONLY.
YOU ARE THEREBY REQUESTED TO RESPOND TO US SO THAT WE CAN INFORM YOU ON HOW TO SEND THE FEE ACROSS.

WE WILL ALSO SEND YOUR TRACKING NUMBER TO YOU AS WE HEAR FROM YOU.
REGARDS,
APEX COURIER.


　Dear Apex,
I still await your GPS coordinates, to the carrier pterydactyl can deliver the transfer fee to you, and return with my check. Reply soonest, please.
Andrew Green




 

　ATTENTION,
WE UNDERSTAND YOUR STATEMENT.

YOU SHOULD GO AHEAD AND SEND THE FEE OF $499 WITH THE INFORMATION WE SENT TO YOU.
SEND THE FEE SO THAT WE CAN PROCEED IN SENDING YOUR FUND TO YOU.
WE HAVE RECEIVE YOUR PARCEL SENT TO US BY YOUR PARTNER(MR.ALOU).
YOU ARE TO PAY OUR COURIER FEE OF $499 ONLY.
YOU ARE THEREBY REQUESTED TO RESPOND TO US SO THAT WE CAN INFORM YOU ON HOW TO SEND THE FEE ACROSS.

WE WILL ALSO SEND YOUR TRACKING NUMBER TO YOU AS WE HEAR FROM YOU.REGARDS,
APEX COURIER.

　
　
　Dear Apex: if you understand the statement, then I fail to see why you didn't include your GPS coordinates in your reply. My fee is standing by with the carrier pterydactyl. Andrew



Dear,
That is OK ,just go ahead and conclude with them and also inform them on the exact place you prefer the pterydactyl to receive the package. Keep me informed as you conclude with the courier company.
Alou
　
　
ATTENTION,

THAT IS NOT THE WAY WE OPERATE.
YOU SHOULD UNDERSTAND THAT UNDER THE ALLIED MATTER CODES AND CONDUCTS THAT GUIDE COURIER COMPANIES HERE IN NIGERIA,A CUSTOMER(CLIENT)HAVE TO PAY FOR COURIER FEE BEFORE THE DELIVERING OF HIS/HER PARCEL/PACKAGE.

SINCE YOU NEED YOUR CARRIER PTERYDACTYL TO RECEIVE AND DELIVER IT TO YOU IN YOUR HOME ADDRESS,WE SUGGEST YOU ARRANGE FOR HIM/HER TO MEET OUR AGENT AS HE ARRIVE BOB HOPE AIRPORT BURBANK.

OUR AGENT WILL PROCEED FURTHER TO YOUR HOME ADDRESS TO MEET WITH YOUR CARRIER PTERYDACTYL.

AL WE REQUIRE OF YOU IS TO SEND OUR FEE SO THAT WE CAN PROCEED WITH THE ARRANGEMENT.
NOTE:HERE IS YOUR TRACKING NUMBER T67930HG4433.

WE HAVE RECEIVE YOUR PARCEL SENT TO US BY YOUR PARTNER(MR.ALOU).

YOU ARE TO PAY OUR COURIER FEE OF $499 ONLY.YOU ARE THEREBY REQUESTED TO RESPOND TO US SO THAT WE CAN INFORM YOU ON HOW TO SEND THE FEE ACROSS.

WE WILL ALSO SEND YOUR TRACKING NUMBER TO YOU AS WE HEAR FROM YOU.
REGARDS,
APEX COURIER.

　
　
　Okay, fine: if you want the carrier pterydactyl to meet your agent at Bob Hope-Burbank airport, that's fine. He can find that. He will be on his way when you advise me your agent is going there. Andrew



　ATTENTION,

THAT IS VERY MUCH OK FOR US.
BUT YOU HAVE TO UNDERSTAND THAT YOU HAVE TO SEND OUR COURIER FEE BEFORE THE DEPARTURE OF OUR AGENT.

I TOLD YOU IN MY LAST MAIL THAT WE CAN NOT BREAK THE LAW GUIDING THE COURIER COMPANIES HERE IN THIS COUNTRY.
I WILL INFORM YOU ON HOW YOUR PTERYDACTYL
WILL LOCATE OUR AGENT AS HE ARRIVE BOB HOPE AIRPORT BURBANK.

BE INFORMED THAT I HAVE SENT YOUR TRACKING NUMBER TO YOU AND WILL ADVISE YOU FURTHER AS WE RECEIVE OUR COURIER FEE.

EXPECTING YOUR IMMEDIATE REPLY.
APEX COURIER COMPANY.


　My carrier pterydactyl will be at Bob Hope-Burbank Airport when you tell me your courier will arrive. The courier will know who it is, because my pterydactyl will be holding a sign that says "APEX COURIER".
Name the day and time, and the pterydactyl will be there with the fee. Andrew
　

Dear green,

I was called on the telephone this morning by the courier company,they informed me that you did not want to send their courier fee to them.Why didn't send the money to them so that we can get this thing done once and for all.

I have done every possible thing i did to make sure that this money get to your hand so that you can sleep with your two eyes closed.

I want you to send the money to them immediately so that they can tell you the date and time you will recieve your check.

Send the money to them please.
Waiting for your response,
Alou

Alou, that is simply NOT TRUE. I have offered to send them the money via the same means I request my check be returned to me: via my carrier pterydactyl. You both have stated that you have read and clearly understood my emails and intentions. So for them to say that I refuse to send the courier fee to them is ludicrous and disingenuous on their part. My carrier pterydactyl is standing by to make the delivery at Bob Hope-Burbank Airport, as they suggested.
Andrew



ATTENTION,

WE ARE STILL WAITING FOR THE COURIER FEE,YOU SHOULD UNDERSTAND THAT WE CAN NOT PROCEED FURTHER WITHOUT THE FEE.
REGARDS,APEX COURIER COMPANY.




Apex,
I have told you that all you need to do is dispatch your courier with the check to Bob Hope-Burbank Airport as you yourselves suggested, and provide me with when the courier will arrive; my carrier pterydactyl will meet him there with the fee.
Heck, I will triple the fee requested to $1500, payable to your courier upon his arrival. I only need to know when he will arrive so my carrier pterydactyl can be there on time. Andrew




　Dear,

The courier sent the rules guiding them to me and i went through it.
What i want you to do now is to send their courier fee to them so that we can save ourselves all these headache,send their courier fee to them since i have went through the law guiding them.

What you will do after sending the fee is to arrange on how to receive the parcel since you intend sending your pterydacty to the airport to pick it up.
Please adhere to my advise so that both of us can have a good rest.
Yours,
Alou


Alou,
I have already told the courier people that I would triple their fee if they would simply do things my way. I have the carrier pterydactyl standing by; all they have to do is tell me when their courier will arrive with the check at the selected airport, and I will have the carrier pterydactyl meet them there with the increased fees.
I mean this is so simple...do I need to increase the fee further? Andrew


　
　
　ATTENTION,

YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND OUR STAND OVER HERE,THERE IS NO WAY THAT WE CAN DISPATCH THIS PACKAGE WITHOUT DOING THE NECESSARY THINGS THAT IT REQUIRED.
WE HAVE TO STAMP IT AND ALL THE REST OF THAT.I DISCUSSED WITH YOUR PARTNER CONCERNING THIS,AND HOPEFULLY THAT HE CAN UNDERSTAND WHAT WE ARE DOING.
UNDERSTAND ALSO THAT WE DON'T WORK LIKE THAT,WE COLLECT COURIER FEE BEFORE DISPATCH.BE REST ASSURED THAT WE WILL COMMENCE THE DISPATCH AS WE RECEIVE OUR FEE.

REGARDS,
APEX COURIER COMPANY.


Dear Apex,
I, too, am a businessman, so I know how these things work on paper...and in the real world. A little bit of currency 'persuasion' usually circumvents regulations and stamps.
Trust me on that.
I have already told your partner...I am willing to further increase the fee you need to collect, if it will expedite things on my terms. My terms: have your courier bring the check to the airport of your choice, tell me when and where, and my carrier pterydactyl will meet them there with the fee. I am quite ready to increase it well beyond the original $499. Name your price. Andrew


 　
Dear,
You do not need to increase the fee,what i understood from the courier company is that they only need the fee paid to them before they arrive to the your country.

I don't want in a situation whereby you will start having problems with them. Just go ahead and send the fee to them since it is the same thing. Send the fee to them to avoid any more delay in delivering your check to you.

 　
Alou,
Really, I am perplexed at this. My method is simple, tried and tested, and I have never had a failure with it. And I am willing to increase the fee 10 times and more if that is what it takes to get the courier company to see things my way.
Alan, it's not that I need the money; I truly don't. I'm a wealthy businessman many times over. But this windbreak you are dropping in my lap can do so much good in so many ways; I had in mind to donate the entirety to windows and organs, those kinds of charities.
So while I don't myself need the money...think of all those it can help. Think of them, and prevail upon the courier company to see things my way. I WILL make it worth your and their while.
Andrew




　You don't understand what the courier company said.
They told me that they will use the fee in securing stamps and other things to make sure that they have a smooth transfer.

I don't see any reason for you increasing their fee when me and you already know that all they ask is $499.I can now understand that you are the one delaying this transaction.

What will take you to send the little fee they required of you?

Just go ahead and send the fee to them so that they can proceed further to your home country.
Yours




　Hey, you started this whole business transaction by contacting me, not the other way around. I have made a good faith offer on how I am comfortable with sending the fees and receiving the check, okay? I am the customer here, am I not?
Have you heard of customer service? The customer is always right? Going the extra mile to convince your customer that they are number 1? Are you seeing the point I'm getting at here?
I think I have been most cooperative. And I have been MORE than generous in upping the fee to make my wishes as a customer more lucrative to the courier service. Let me ask you, APEX: have you ever had ANY customer willing to pay you more, for a specific brand of delivery that you don't usually do? If you've been in the business of delivery long, you KNOW the answer to that is YES, you have. But you also know that most customers want it as cheap as possible and as soon as possible.
I am willing to pay you well over what you meant to charge, so that I can have it my way while making it profitable for you. I think in that regard, I am above all reproach.
SO...I'll up the fee I am willing to pay you to $15,000, if you will do this MY WAY. Andrew

 　
WE DON'T OPERATE THAT WAY,IF YOU ARE NOT SENDING THE FEE AS YOU WERE INITIALLY TOLD,WE HAVE NO CHOICE THAN CALLING YOUR PARTNER(ALOU)TO COME AND HAVE HIS PACKAGE BACK.
REGARDS,
APEX COURIER COMPANY



　Hmmmm...I just noticed something here, APEX/Alou: Alou sends his emails with word spacing without caps...and you, APEX, just did the same thing with word spacing, with caps. Are APEX and Alou the same person?
It sounds to me like you want to quash the deal, fellas. So, here's my last ante to do right by what Alou originally claimed he was all about: I will pay APEX $25,000, in cash and on the spot, if they will meet with my carrier pterydactyl at Bob Hope-Burbank Airport, or any other airport within the continental US that they choose.
OR...I will have my carrier pterydactyl bring the fees to an international airport that is mutually closer for both me and the courier company, so long as a courier company representative is there with the check and to receive the fees.
It's time, as we say in business, to fish or cut bait. Which will you do, Alou/APEX?




　I simple do not understand your take in this.
I will like to ask you few questions.

1)Is it hard for you to pay the courier their fees?
2)Are you skeptical?
3)What you mean fish or cut bait?

 
 I think that with my offer to pay the fees above and beyond the originally asked ones, your first question is ridiculous. I just offered to pay $25,000 to the courier service for doing it my way. That, my math-challenged friend, is 100 times the original fee. I offer this because I know I want it done an unusual way. But I am the customer, and that is how I want it. I cannot see why the courier service is afraid of making 50 times more on one delivery, than they've ever made before.
Your second question: I wasn't skeptical when we started. Your reluctance to make a very profitable business decision is making me skeptical.
Your third question...another way to put it is, it’s time for you and Apex to sh*t or get off the pot.


 
 You not swear, what you need is to pay the fees. It is not right you make courier put to this trouble. It okay your carrier pterydactyl pick up check, but it is not for him to deliver fees. You wire fees agree to before you loss this fund.

　

Are we on, or are you throwing away a helluva deal and profit, Apex?
Andrew

 
  And after a few hours of no more responses from either Alou or Apex Couriers, Andrew gets in one last little dig:

　
　Since you obviously don't appreciate a chance at a clear and sizeable profit here, and since you aren't customer service-oriented, I will have my carrier pterydactyl stand down, and I won't be sending any fee. Apex, you may go ahead and return the fund to Alan.
I try to do good business here, and it takes you two chuckleheads to screw up a perfectly winnable scenario for yourselves and a lot of windows and organs out there.
I can't imagine your employers are very happy with you right now.
Andrew



 It did prompt one last, pithy salvo from the "courier company", who slipped and admitted that they and Alou were in fact, one and the same:

　
ATTENTION,
BE INFORMED THAT WE ARE NOT GREEDY PEOPLE,I CAN NOT GO CONTRARY TO THE RULES AND REGULATION THAT GUIDES COURIER COMPANIES HERE IN NIGERIA BECAUSE OF MONEY.

I HAVE A CONSCIENCE AND WILL NOT DO ANYTHING THAT WILL MAKE ME FILL GUILTY (bullsh*t, Matilda).

PLEASE INFORM US IF YOU ARE SENDING THE $499 OR SHOULD WE GO AHEAD AND RETURN THE PARCEL TO MR.ALOU.

YOURS,
ALOU (*TOING*)


　
Assuming that this is their *last gasp* – which I assumed before when silence greeted the image of the pterydactyl collapsing their roof – I note the "oopsie" in their email, and throw a couple digs in to tweak the *greedy* in him/them:

　
You just made a mistake there. I'll let you find where in your message you made it. But that's okay, because playing under the auspices of "the courier company" -- aka you -- you just screwed up the opportunity of a lifetime.
I was prepared to go ahead and have my carrier pterydactyl deliver to you $25,000 in cash, and bring back the check. Whatever else you are and aren't, business-wise you are not.
As I said, I am a wealthy businessman and have no need of any "funds" from Nigeria. I routinely handle more money in a week than you were trying to send me.
I will never understand how people like you could let such an opportunity pass. But now it's your loss. You should have played at being more greedy.
Andrew

Now the LAST TIME I thought it was over for the Pterydactyl Chronicles, Alou and Apex resurfaced.
So just in case...if you look to the sky, and think for a moment you might have seen a pterydactyl winging its way to destinations as yet unknown...put down the bottle or bong and back slowly away....from where the pterydactyl might have to land on your roof. Being 65 million + years out of practice, he gets winded easy...

It's All About The Delivery

Some forms of delivery are pretty straight forward.

Not so much in Scamland.

I've seen a lot of these fake UPS/FedEx/DHL scam emails.  Many of them want you to open a zip file attached to the email.  They say it's to get a delivery label for a package you never knew you had coming.

And it most likely contains malware, spyware, or some insidious computer virus.

The delivery is less than what you'd expected in the first place.

Here's the latest one I received, in so far as I was able to paste it over from the email:

If the links are not working, please move message to  "Inbox" folder.

                            DHL   

                                                                       PACK STATION     

DHL Ship Shipment Notification


On May 20, 2013 a shipment label was printed for delivery.
The shipment number of this package is 91418449.

To get additional info about this shipment use any of these options:

1) Click the following URL in your browser:
                 (which I scrubbed from the email)

2) Enter the shipment number on tracking page:
                   (which again I scrubbed from the email)


For further assistance, please call DHL Customer Service.
For International Customer Service, please use official DHL site.

Disclaimer:

This message was created by DHL Ship, a product of DHL, at the request
of the sender. No authentication of email address has been performed.

  Deutsche Post DHL    2013 DHL International GmbH. All rights reserved. 


Looks official, doesn't it?  Even if you weren't expecting anything.

Trust me...it ain't official.

And when I found that I could edit not only the text, but the highlighted text, it made the edit even more down to my usual standards:

If the links are not working, try patties instead.

                            PHUK   

                                                                                  STATION  3   

PHUK Ship Notification


On May 20, 2013 a shipment aboard our ship Le Phu Coop was lost when the ship turned turtle, and wasn't designed to operate that way.

 

Phuking thing sank.  See what we just did there?

 

So...if you want the shipment that was aboard, I suggest you get ahold of Robert Ballard.  He's got about the only sh*t that can retrieve it from 900 fathoms.  Yeah, it's pretty down there.

 

The shipment number before the thing fall down and go "glub glub" is 91418449.

That and 50 cents don't mean sh*t now.  Not unless you can afford Robert Ballard.

For further assistance, don't bother calling PHUK Customer Service; we ain't got any sh*t that can go down that deep and come back up widdit.

For International Customer Service...same response.  If we're anything, it's consistent.

 

PHUK

Disclaimer:
This message was created by PHUK Ship, formerly a product of PHUK until the bastard sank. No responsibility on our part for this.  None.  Nada.  Zip.  Zero.  Yeah, we're democraps.  If your shipment was insured, go crying to the insurer, not us.  We're busy trying to convert a fertilizer ship for a replacement.  If you feel you've received this email in error, trust us....you didn't.  We got your email from the IRS, along with your blood type.  Don't try this at home; use a neighbor's instead. 

  DoucheNozzle Post PHUK    2013 PHUK International GmbH. All rights constantly disputed. 

 

 

 

No response from the email originator.  I guess that means I won't be 'getting' what it was they wanted me to 'get'.

 

Eh.

Can They Really Be THIS Stupid?

The answer is an absolutely, YES.

And I got me one here to prove it.

During a recent spate of scambaiting activity, I had one that slipped through the cracks.  But he sent me a prod the other night, and what took place in exchange was...beyond laughable.

I like going beyond that with scammers.

Alou Aloustos...nice name...with another scam that claimed the government of Nigeria had set aside funds to compensate "victims of Nigerian 419 scam artists", and that my email address had come up in their investigation.

Not really; they sent the email to one address and I merely forwarded it to another, to screw widdit.

Of no great surprise, it wasn't the address that mattered; it was the reply.

I didn't edit this one; I simply thanked them for their thoughtfulness, and when could I expect my money?

That drew a quick "three methods of payment" email from Alou, and I was to choose which one I preferred.

Well, with all the other scambaits going at the time, I forgot about it.

My bad.

What follows here is the not too long, not too short series of exchanges, along with the rather gratifyingly silly twist the scambaiter took with the scammer, who was entirely none the wiser.


The usual modalities of this page apply (scammer's emails in bold, my responses in italics):


Andrew, I am been wait for you to get back to me on method you prefer to have your fund delivered to you as.  Here are the option:

1) THROUGH K.T.T WIRE TRANSFER (THE BANK WILL TRANSFER YOUR FUND INTO YOUR BANK ACCOUNT) – $599 TRANSER FEES
2)THROUGH DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY (THE DIPLOMAT WILL CONVEY YOUR FUND TO YOU IN YOUR HOME COUNTRY) – $559 TRANSFER FEES
3) THROUGH MONEY GRAM ( THE BANK WILL HANDLE MODALITIES AND WIRING ON THIS END) – $499 TRANSFER FEES
Thanks and God bless.
Alan.


　
Actually, I didn’t...this one slipped through the cracks with all the other scambaits I had running at the time. So, something a bit off the beaken path:

　
　
Thank you. I opt for the check to be delivered to me via carrier pterydactyl.

　　
THE OPTION YOU CHOOSE IS A TRANSFER FEE OF $499. IF YOU AGREE TO THIS, A MONEY GRAM INSTRUCTION WILL COME TO YOU.


　
Fine; and I can send my fee to you via the carrier pterydactyl, and you can send me my check back via the same. He knows his way home.

After a day to ponder it, I get this:


　
I CANT FIND THIS MODE YOU REFER TO.



This is too good to let go of:


　
But you QUOTED ME A PRICE FOR IT!!!
　
ANDREW, MONEY GRAM IS CHEAPER THAN THIS UNKNOW MODALITY.


　
But the quote you sent me is the same for money gram as you quoted for the carrier pterydactyl!.

　
USE MONEY GRAM IS A SAFE MODE.


　
If you've ever tried to take anything away from a carrier pterydactyl, and you're not authorized, you'd find them pretty dang safe, too.

　
YOU HAVE ONE OF THIS TO USE?


　
Lordy, I got me a double dose of dumbass here:

　
　
Yes, and with your okay, I'll give it the fees and send it your way.

　
HOW AM I TO KNOW IT?


　
Trust me, Alou...you can't miss it when it lands on your structure...the structure usually falls in.


I haven't heard back from Alou yet....mebbe he finally googled?

Susan Loans...And Moans

Yes, this much here can be YOURS, for ONLY 3% interest for the life of the loan!

It is to laugh.

I will give this scammer credit:  since first contacting me -- now on three different email addresses -- 'she' has created a sorta-kinda-eh, mebbe- credible web site for her scam loan company.

Of course, you know it HAS to be a scam loan company; it's based in....*drum roll*.......Nigeria.

The company is Susan Loan Services.  Or at least, that's what a fly-infested internet cafe in Nigeria is calling itself.

Their email starts out simple, like so many other online loan scams:  Do you need a loan to pay off your debt or start a business?loan offer at 3% interest rate,contact us if you are interested in a loan.

And that's all there is to it:  you hit 'reply' and inquire.  And her next email lays it out for you:

Dear Applicant, 

 Thank you for selecting us in meeting your financial requirements.We are a registered private lender, we give out loans to various people all over the world. We give out Agricultural Loan, Auto Loans,Student Loan, Mortgage Loan, Personal Loan, Business Loan, Home equity Loan, Debt Consolidation Loan and other good reason, we also give out loans from the range of 1,000 – 10,000,000 (Dollars, Euros or Pounds) at 3% interest rate. Duration of 1- 30 years depending on the amount you need as loan.

Qualifications:

The Borrower must be above 20 years of age.

The Loan can be granted even with low credit

There is no pre-payment penalty.

You do not need a Co-signer

APPLICATION FORM:

Full Name:

Age:

Sex:

Next of kin (Name in Full):

Email:

Phone:

Mobile or Cellular:

Monthly Income:

Home Address:

Country:

Occupation:

Loan Amount:

Loan Duration:

Purpose of loan:

The above data information must be filled accordingly and submitted to us for proper processing of your loan request.

Thanks And God Bless

 Mr. Roland Gabriel.

So naturally I filled out the application...once as Ben Dover, and once as U. R. Phulovit (since I received the same offer across three different email addresses).  From the third one I'm preparing an 'edit' that I am sure will please Susan Loan Service so much, she'll include it on her website 'Testimonial' page.

Not  ;-)

And of course, once the application is 'accepted' -- Susan Loan Services accepts 100% of applicants LOL -- 'she' follows up with an email, requesting a modest fee for processing.  For U. R. Phulovit -- who requested $35,000 to fix his pet gerbil's platypus feet (yes, they do ask what the purpose of the loan is for, but apparently don't care) -- the processing fee is a modest $200, to be Western Unioned ASAP to:

NAME:Susan Lee
COUNTRY:Italy
Town:Rome
AMOUNT:$200


But Susan and her scam buddies got confused, 'cuz as you'll see in the upcoming exchanges, another name and location for the Western Union emails will surface.

 

An online lending service in Nigeria has me pay the $200 fee to a 'woman' in Rome, Italy?  Ya gotta love this scammer.  Granted, 'she' - 'they' - 'whomever' can say to send it ANYWHERE.  'Cuz if it's really sent, a Western Union MTCN is all that's needed to collect it, anywhere Western Union is.

So, U. R. Phulovit is now doing the "it'll be wired early next week" routine, while my other playing character -- Ben Dover -- just sent in his application.  Which I am sure will be accepted, because Ben's need for $350,000 is much more plausible than a mere "gerbil foot exchange".

Ben needs $350,000 to open up a piranha genital rebushing clinic.  Really.  Better still: whoever 'reviews' the applications and reasons for the loans, apparently doesn't care about any of it, other than that someone replied.


Rather than try to keep you up with the email salvos between the scammer and both of my characters, we'll now just focus on the key emails between Ben Dover and 'Susan Loans', or whomsoever it is I'm bantering with.  What you'll see now are several days' worth of exchanges, as they went back and forth.  Enjoy:



In regards to your mail note that you are to send to us a valid copy of your identification card or send to us the details on the card as stated below,also provide to us details of your account where you want the loan funds to be transferred to.   Regarding your selected option which is bank-to-bank wire transfer note that the charges on it which is the cost of insurance and transfer fee of $200 should be sent to us via Western Union with the details of our accountant in charge of payment with his information below.

Accountant Name: Odion Gabriel (ODION GABRIEL)

Address: Area 2 Block 11 Zain Road.

Country: Nigeria

Text Question to use: TO

Text Answer to use:  US

Amount to send: $200

(see what I mean about where to send and to whom?)

There will be a one day delay in my sending the $200 fee; I had an unexpected expense this weekend, but I get paid at work tomorrow, and will have no problem wiring the fee on Tuesday, May 14.  And I see I have new wiring instructions and a different person to send to.  Eh...long as it gets where it needs to.

 In regards to your mail note that we shall be waiting on your payment of the $200 tomorrow and in this main time kindly get back to us with your identification card or the information on it and also your banking information (Provide the information below).

BANK INFORMATION:

Account Holder Name:     Ben Dover

Bank Name:                     Westminster Bank PLC

Account Number:              **********

Swift Code/ Routing Number:   *********

IDENTIFICATION CARD INFORMATION:

Identity card Number:   **-***-****

Type of Identity card:    DL

Name in the Identity card:  Ben Dover

Issue date and expiry date:   2-09/2-14

D.O.B:    2-29-76

Residential Address:   *** ********* St  Central City CO 80427

Waiting for the above information today and the payment tomorrow so that everything can be completed.

I will wire the funds tomorrow without fail.

Good morning to you,this is to inform you that we will be expecting the payment information from you today and also which to inform you that your identification and banking information have been received, In regards to the payment of the $200 note that you are to use the details of our accountant in charge of payment and effect the payment to us using Western Union with the information below.

Accountant Name: Odion Gabriel (ODION GABRIEL)

Address: Area 2 Block 11 Zain Road.

Country: Nigeria

Text Question to use: TO

Text Answer to use:  US

Amount to send: $200

I will be running errands this morning and picking up my pay from my employer at 11am my time; after that, I will go to Western Union and attend to this.  I'll email you confirmation afteward.

Hope all is well, Why the delay in the payment? We have been waiting for the payment as promised because you said from 11am you will be sending the payment and now i believe it's about 3pm there and we haven't gotten a mail from you in regards to the payment, Please get back to us about this now if you have sent the payment or not and if yes get back to us with the payment receipt and information of the payment receipt.

I am most apologetic for the delay.  Yes, the $200 was wired at noon my time from Western Union, to the person and location you instructed.   I thank you again for the loan.

 

Thanks for the mail, If the payment have been made kindly please send to us the below information and the payment receipt.

You have all this information, since I copied verbatim what you asked me to use.  Please refer back to your instruction email prior to my making the payment.

 If you said you have sent the payment as instructed kindly get back to us with the MTCN (Money Transfer Control Number) which is the Western Union Code on the payment slip which will enable the accountant Odion Gabriel to pick up the $200 and without this MTCN we can not proceed.

Get back to us with the below information to confirm that you have sent the payment so that we can proceed.

Ma'am, I used the information you asked for, and sent it to that information as instructed.

Please kindly get back to us with the MTCN (Money Transfer Control Number) which is the Western Union Code on the payment slip which will enable the accountant Odion Gabriel to pick up the $200 and without this MTCN we can not proceed.

Oh...there are 10 numbers.  Which one does he need?

Yes send to me the MTCN which is the 10 number, Send the 10 numbers to us now. the complete 10 numbers.

Fine.  The complete 10 numbers together total 79 (not really, but no one said I hadda be able to add for scammers).

Send to us the MTCN which is 10 digit only. It's 10 numbers and not 79... Why telling me nonsense? Please send to me the receipt of your payment if you have made the payment really.

What nonsense?  You asked me for the ten numbers together.  They equal 79!  I added them up!  Now, if you want me to send you the receipt, I will need your regular, not email address...I'll have to send it to you overseas air mail, because my scanner is not working right.  If I try to scan it to you, I don't know that you can read it.

Is overseas airmail okay?

Send to us the number which is written as the MTCN(Money Transfer Control Number) it's just 10 digit only and want you to send it to us via email, we do not accept payment of the insurance/transfer fees receipt sent to us via airmail because it's the receipt of payment.

Send to us the 10 digit you see near where it's written MTCN.

Hell, why didn't you say so?  It's 0995487893.  Is that all you need?

This MTCN you sent to us is not valid, Please track on your payment yourself on the Western Union site

That's impossible, Susan.  I read you the actual 10 numbers right off the receipt.

Okay, Send to us the country you sent it to and the sender's name used as also show on the reciept of payment.

 

I just sent that to you.  Your accountant in Nigeria.

What's the sender's name used? For God sake you are sending me wrong information, Send to me the sender's name used to send the $200.

The sender's name?  What the f**k...that's ME!!!  I'm the sender!  You know...Ben Dover?  I'm the sender!  And my country is the USA.  America?

Send to us the payment receipt and check correctly if the MTCN you sent is correct because the one you gave me is not correct.

This is so unreal.  I went...me, myself...went to Western Union.  I...me...wired you $200.  I..here..have the receipt.  My Western Union number-generating phone app itself gave me the number.  So I am at a loss here.  The money is there.  Just as you instructed it to be.  I should have sent it to the Marx Brothers (ettu, Indiana Jones?). 

Give to me your phone number now let me call you now.

Okay...my number is ***-***-**** (which is my actual voice mail, currently with me imitating a sorta chinese).

I am calling it's on voicemail, Pick up the calls now. 

Voicemail?  I am sitting here and my phone hasn't rung yet.  Try again.

It's still on voicemail, You give me a call now. +234 805-379-1036. 

Well if its on voicemail, then leave me a message and I'll get back to you.  Isn't that how voicemail works?  Dang, do I have to think of everything here? 

Ogun kill me, Send me the correct MTCN now. 

I can't call you overseas from this number; I had to put an overseas block on it, because my pet rock ran up $750 in calls to Liechtenstein last December.   Who is ogun?  (Seymour insisted in getting in on this in a cameo role).

Ogun kill you, Send me the correct MTCN now.  

Ogun kill me?  What'd I do?  And back to my first question...who the f**k is Ogun?  

Man send me the correct information, I have other things to do, If you are in need of this loan seriously send to me a copy of the payment receipt by snapping it with your phone 

(he doesn't know I'm about the only person left in the world without a cell phone...)

This makes no sense!  I snapped it with my phone and it only krinkled the paper.  What did that accomplish?

And who the f**k is Ogun?

Send me the correct MTCN now 

I did!  And who the f**k is Ogun?

At this point, I think the dude is totally unstrung, 'cuz what he/she/it writes next looks like a scammer completely off their scam template:

Guy i need box i need box to take bomb o, Which box u dey use, make we forget this matter make we talk work 

Now you speak to me in ooga booga riddles?  Ogun want to kill me by bomb my box?  Who the f**k is Ogun?

Stop play with us, If you made payment please send us the correct information. If not forget it. 

I swear, Susie, you run a most disorganized loan service.  You can't pick up a simple Western Union, you have people who can't type or spell, and who want Ogun to kill them and me -- who the f**k is Ogun -- they want me to snap a receipt with a phone, crinkling the paper, and they want to bomb my box, and I don't even know what box they're talking about?  I sent you the accurate information.  Is this what it's like getting a loan from Chicago?

Send us the information on the payment receipt please

So I relent...and send them a copy of a Western Union so fuzzied up that Superman couldn't read it:

I warned you that my scanner wasn't working very well.  Since snapping the receipt with my phone only crinkled it, here's the receipt scanned.  I hope you have better eyes than I do. 

There is no way we can view this receipt you sent, Please give to us the MTCN number on the receipt only.. Give it to us now 

Jesus H and Mary Josephine Francis Beulah Bondage Billy Bob Christ, how many times do I have to give you the same number?  And who the f**k is Ogun?

This is wrong man, this wrong wrong wrong man.   You did not send the fee if not you would have given us the correct information. The MTCN you gave to us is not correct.  you are asshol Mr. Ben.

NO, it isn't wrong, man.  It is the correct mtcn.  At least once it was.  And who the f**k is Ogun? 

Can I have my loan now?

Needless to say, I never got the loan...they never got the $200 I never sent.  And we still don't know who the f**k Ogun was.