Saturday, November 17, 2018

Of CORPSE He's Sorry Now

I find the emails from scammers that ask my character if he's dead or not, mildly amusing.

Especially when my character responds in the affirmative, and the scammer just can't seem to wrap his head around that.

Like this one:


Oh So Sad that u are Dead Regarding yiour 25,9Musd and Made Mrs Rosemary Ur Next Or Kin

Attn:Dear Esteemed customer, Reply To This Email tpc_services6@yahoo.fr This is official notice to you that your (CONSIGNMENT OF 25,9MILLION USD) which was sent for over one month now was returned. I know that you have been waiting for the arrival of your ATM CARD since, it is unfortunate that it was returned this week due to wrong address which was provide by your representative (Mrs Rosemary STUART BLUM). And the same Man came again and trying to make us believe that you are dead and even explained that you entered into an agreement with him, to help you in receiving your (CONSIGNMENT). So did you sign any Deed of Assignment in favor of (Mrs Rosemary STUART BLUM) thereby making him the current beneficiary,In view of this development, you are requested to confirm to us if you are alive and also furnish us with your full Information, YOUR FULL NAME ____ YOUR ADDRESS____ YOUR AGE______ YOUR CITY_______ YOUR COUNTRY_____ YOUR CURRENT OCCUPATION___ YOUR HOME PHONE_______ YOUR CELL PHONE_____ YOUR GENDER_______ A COPY OF YOUR IDENTIFICATION _____ to enable us deliver this CONSIGNMENT to your door step:Meanwhile,be rest assured that upon receipt of the above information we will proceed in delivering your (CONSIGNMENT) And for security reason endeavor to indicate this CODE N° (PACIFIC COURIER-BJ/XXL14160) this code shows that you are the rightful owner of the box. Respectfully submitted, Director General Rev.Dr Ijemaka Godwin Pacific Courier Services Cell Number+ 234-701-511-9133 Country Republic Of Nigeria Reply To This Email tpc_services6@yahoo.fr Reply To This Email tpc_services6@yahoo.fr   


I love how these clowns don't read the replies:


Yeah, being dead does suck in a lot of ways.  Then again:
    -- I don't have to get out of bed to go to work
    -- I don't have to pay taxes
Can you say that?  
 
 
As usual, the scammer didn't read the email response.  He merely got excited that he'd gotten a response, and continued on with his scam template:
 
 
Mr Jack Ewehof Oh its True u Are Dead REGARDING uR 25,9Musd And Made Rosemary Ur Next Of Kin Or Lie
 
Attn:Dear Mr Jack Ewehof,

This is official notice to you that your (CONSIGNMENT OF 25,9MILLION USD) which was sent for over one month now was returned. I know that you have been waiting for the arrival of your ATM CARD since, it is unfortunate that it was returned this week due to wrong address which was provide by your representative (Mrs Rosemary STUART BLUM). And the same Man came again and trying to make us believe that you are dead and even explained that you entered into an agreement with him, to help you in receiving your (CONSIGNMENT). So did you sign any Deed of Assignment in favor of (Mrs Rosemary STUART BLUM) thereby making him the current beneficiary,In view of this development, you are requested to confirm to us if you are alive and also furnish us with your full Information,

YOUR FULL NAME ____
YOUR ADDRESS____
YOUR AGE______
YOUR CITY_______
YOUR COUNTRY_____
YOUR CURRENT OCCUPATION___
YOUR HOME PHONE_______
YOUR CELL PHONE_____
YOUR GENDER_______
A COPY OF YOUR IDENTIFICATION
_____ to enable us deliver this CONSIGNMENT to your door step:Meanwhile,be rest assured that upon receipt of the above information  we will proceed in delivering your (CONSIGNMENT) And for security reason endeavor to indicate this CODE N° (PACIFIC COURIER-BJ/XXL14160) this code shows that you are the rightful owner of the box.

Respectfully submitted,

Director General  Rev.Dr Ijemaka Godwin
Pacific Courier Services
Cell Number+ 234-701-511-9133
Country Republic Of Nigeria  
 
 
While there are lots of things to cue on in this reply, my character chose to jump all over a couple of the more glaring points:  
 
Mr Jack Ewehof Oh its True u Are Dead REGARDING uR 25,9Musd And Made Rosemary Ur Next Of Kin Or Lie

I can see that you are struggling with certain aspects of this email, so allow me to clarify certain points that have obviously escaped you during your effort to give me this business.
  1. As you noted in the header of your reply, "Mr Jack Ewehof Oh its True u Are Dead REGARDING uR 25,9Musd And Made Rosemary Ur Next Of Kin Or Lie".  You noted that, then went onto completely miss the very point you made in your email header.  More on that momentarily.
  2. Mrs. Rosemary Stuart Blum...you present that name twice in your email, and refer to "her" as "him".  Now, I don't have gender studies knowledge of Nigeria and how things may be more totally fucked up there than in San Freakcisco, but in most of the real world, "Mrs" usually applies to FEMALES OF THE SPECIES, and "Mr" usually applies to MALES OF THE SPECIES.  If you are unlucky enough to get cnn down there, you probably aren't sure of what Nature always intended any more; look what cnn and Wheaties did to Bruce/Caitlyn Jenner.  Nowadays in some venues, the terms "male" and "female" have been upended by a growing number of gender neutral, fluid and non-binary substitutes not limited to such things as "octosexual orthopods".  Nonetheless, clarity in this matter is necessary if we are to have a dialogue.
  3. Having a dialogue:  now back to Point #1:  as I already explained, I am dead.  I have been that way for five years.  The fact that you have stumbled across the Astral Bridge and awakened my spirit in such an untoward manner is not making me terribly happy, and you would do well to consult your local witch doctor, who'll confirm to you that spirits are not wise to annoy.  You don't want us going 'dark energy' on you, if you know what I mean.  It can fuck up your whole antecedence from you on forward.  Not good family planning there, Bunky.
  4. Now, I have no interest in an ATM card that is only accessible in the physical world.  It would only be good for me if it could be delivered to me via ITC -- Instrumental Transcommunication -- with funds drawable on the First Astral Plane Spirits Bank & Loan, located on Marduk.  Unless you have the means to transmit it via finely-tuned ITC transmitters, intricately set to the right MHz, it is of no value to me.
  5. That said, I am giving you my official approval to award the card and the physical realm balance to Mrs. Rosemary Stuart Blum; while we have never met and would not have had sex had we met -- for she's a triple bagger and I don't do triple baggers even in bar lighting -- I have no problem with Mrs. Blum making good use of the card to get her a face lift, tummy tuck, butt reduction and whatever else is required to make her not look so much like Hellary Clinton.


I trust that this will clarify everything for you.  If it doesn't, please pass this message along to someone who is literate and somewhat educated, as it appears that you're not.

I have the honor to be,
The Late Jack N. Ewehoff
1950-2013
RIP until you came along and woke my ass up

 
The somewhat incredulous reply at least shows that he tried to read the response...or someone tried to read it for him:
 
 
it is not funny what you say here.  you cannot be dead and write me email.  Stop kidding this way.  
 
 
Sorry to bust your balloon, Bunky, but yes, I am dead.  And I couldn't have written you email if you hadn't sent me one that somehow succeeded in crossing the Astral Bridge, awakening my spirit from well-earned slumber.  This is not a good idea, as I told you.  Once awakened, we can become most malevolent.  And you have, unfortunately for you, drawn malevolence.  We were having a special on it this week....you chose the wrong week to awaken my spirit.
 
So...what family calamities are you prepared and unprepared for?  I can bring them all.
 
 
Someone over there is superstitious as hell:
 
 
LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 
 
The rest of it goes, "let me go home...let me go home and start over".  *BUZZZZZZZER*  You didn't earn the "do over" part.  No, I shall be haunting your every move henceforth, Bunky.  Your unintended consequence reward for spiritual awakening from across the Astral Bridge.  Any time, Bunky...any time.
 
 
That ended responses from the scammer's end.
 
But I think I'll keep the tweaking up a bit...long as I'm in the 'spirit' of things...
 

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Wednesday, November 14, 2018

Things Ain't Any Better In Darfur

Yep...from the email my character received, things are definitely no better in Darfur, even after George The Looney Clooney's charity efforts went phfffft there.

His having headlined Kathy "Wife of Tales of the Crypt Keeper" Griffin was probably no help.

Be that as it was, is and will continue to be, Mrs. Aisha Karim makes the latest effort to give my character the business from the Sudan .. or the backseat of a Greyhound bus:


From: Mrs. Aisha Karim
Darfur, Sudan

Good-Day!  My name is Mrs. Aisha Karim from the Republic of Sudan; I know this will be a surprise to you. I got your contact through search on line from Sudanese Information Exchange (SIE) I am the wife of Mr. Usman Karim from Darfur, Sudan. My husband was the owner of Omar Sea Food Industry & Omar Farm Land in Darfur Region. When the Government discovered that Darfur region is rich on Oil and Mineral Resources, and the Organization Rebel Movement stepped into Darfur to occupied those areas oil was discovered and those areas happens to be my husband's landed properties.

Government and the Rebels started fighting over who will inherit the Darfur Region because of the Oil discovered. It was unfortunate that my husband was killed on the process by the Rebels in order to inherit the land and all my husband's companies were burnt down. Before then my husband had moved US$25 Million United States Dollars to South Africa for establishment of another branch of his companies. The fund was deposited in a private security & finance company in the name of my elder son Mr. Ahmed Karim as the beneficiary. Upon his return from South Africa he was murdered in cold blood by the Rebel Movement.

Now, the Rebel Movement turned against the remaining family member of my husband and I ordered my son to leave immediately for South Africa to meet with my family Attorney who assisted my (late) husband when the funds were deposited and he left without any delay for Johannesburg, South Africa, I am currently in Darfur Sudan because I am old and cannot go anywhere. Would you be interested to assist my son in moving this money out from South Africa since his status as asylum seeker (Refugee) does not allow the transfer of the funds in his name, the family will offer you 20% of the total amount, 5% will be mapped out to balance any expenses incurred, while 75% will be for my family and will be invested in your country under your management. This is very urgent especially now Sudan is divided.

Due to my ill-health and age, I would suggest you to please contact my son in Johannesburg, South Africa on the below stated Telephone Number and Email Address for details and procedure.

Please Contact My Son:

Mr. Ahmed Karim
Tel: + 27 78 130 5352
Email: karimfamily2017@yahoo.com

Thanking you for your anticipated co-operation in advance.

Sincerely yours,
Mrs. Aisha Karim  



I tried to lead my pet rock, Seymour, in a rousing "awwwwwwwwwwwwwwww", but all I got from him was an elongated PHFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT.

Which, when I got to thinking about it, worked out well in the edit:


From: Mrs. Aisha Karim
Darfur, Sudan
Saying "PHFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT"

Good-Day PHFFFFFFFFFTshine!
Good-Day PHFFFFFFFFFTshine!
Good-Day PHFFFFFFFFFTshine!


I like to phfffffft
when the need is there
really muck up
the local air...
The Beatles did not endorse this message, though the dead ones didn't get to vote on it while the democraps will allow them to vote in US national elections.
My name is Mrs. Aisha Karim from the Republic of Sudan; I know this will be a surprise to you.  Darfur is a totally trashed place, even after all the benefit concerts by pompous Hollywad types that didn't do squat for Darfur, any more than Beaver did for Fassberg, besides sending them a Schmoo.
I got your contact through search on line from what's left of the Sudanese Information Exchange (SIE).  Somali pirates and a roving band of pilates-performing baboons did the place little good.
According to this here template I'm reading from, I am supposed to be the wife of Mr. Usman Karim from Darfur, Sudan. My husband was the owner of Fast Achmed's New & Used Camel Emporium in Darfur Region. When warring factions in the Sudan, the Somali pirates, the democraps on the Senate Injudiciary Committee and South Park got done with the place, Darfur was almost as bad off as Kathy Griffin's imitation of the Tales of the Crypt Keeper, dancing topless in front of her living room window.

All the aforementioned warring factions came to a screeching halt and fled in disarray and terror, along with Griffin's neighbors; they thought the Tales of the Crypt Keeper was retired and not topless.
CNN, MS13NBC and Maxipad Waters started fighting over who will inherit the Darfur Impeachment movement because of a typo on one of Waters' cue cards. It was unfortunate that my husband was killed in the process when a lowly college professor of dubious antecedence and worse memory accused him of having raped her by asking for her phone number 36 years prior at a frat party at some whiny league school that no one cared about until my husband was put on a short list of possible Burrito Supreme Court nominees by the current US POTUS.  Small wonder that CNN has the lowest ratings ever among denizens of Darfur, most of the USA and parts of Uranus.  Morons like Don Lemon help them not.
Before Stormy Daniels could apply for reconstituted virginhood at a ewe convent that had been upended by a three-peckered goat, her sleazy porn atturkey had moved a number of USD to avoid having to pay taxes on it so he could be equal with Al Sharpton when he ruins for POTUS in 2020.  The fund was accumulated from rake-offs from his client's pole-dancing performances after the DNC discovered her and got the blessing of the defrocked witch, Alyssa Milano, who hasn't had anything constructive to do before, during and since the 1980s.
That's not to mention the fate of my elder son, Mr. Ahmed Karim, who "committed suicide" after coming into possession emails from Hellary's server via Chinese hackers, MI-Sux, and John Podesta.

Now, while trying to find a parking place in NYC, my chauffeur was beaten up by Arec Barrdwin who is serving time for doing a bad imitation of a Hollywad actor in a South Park movie.  This means that I have probably lost my shot at an audition to be a future claimant against the US POTUS's next Burrito Supreme Court nominee; I was supposed to audition to claim he or she violated my sock puppet at an elementary school play 42 years ago.  Oh the humanities.
Due to my ill-health and age, I would suggest you to please contact my adopted pet yak in Johannesburg, South Africa on the below stated Telephone Number and Email Address for details and procedure.  Make sure to have a translator standing by, as my adopted pet yak struggles a bit with Yoruba, English and Darfurese.

Please Contact My adopted pet yak:

Igor The Adopted Pet Yak
Tel: + 27 78 130 5352
Email: karimfamily2017@yahoo.com

Thanking you for your anticipated "WTF?" response to this email.

Sincerely yours,
Mrs. Aisha Karim

I entertained rather high hopes that Madam Karim would see fit to respond to this email; alas, she must have Googled a picture of Griffin dancing topless in front of her living room window.

That's enough to stop a volcano in mid-eruption, cold.


 

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Sunday, November 11, 2018

Still Doing It Wong

Kan Shung (or whatever they actually are) keep trying.

Yes, they do.

They keep sending out emails claiming to be a leading manufacturer of assorted and sundry in China -- from fencing to inflatable sex toys -- and they keep sending my email account offers to give me the business with new products all the time.

Like this one:


Hello.
Have a nice day!  
This is Andy from ShangKun Co.,Ltd,
We are one of leading manufacturer of FLAT LRON in China. the 200 staffs, 12 years experience, this is how we keep good quality, competitive price, best service and rapid distribution for you.

We are looking forward to receiving your inquiry. please let us know u need type/pecifications and quantity. then we will give u best price.
If you are interested in other products, please let us know freely. 
Best regards.
Andy  
 
 
The only part of the scam that ever changes is the product.  This time, it's flat iron.
 
Don't you just HATE when your iron goes flat?  Especially on a golf course.
 
My pet rock, Seymour, was bored, so he was given a free appendage to try his appendage at editing the reply:
 
 
Our Iron Is Flat -- How's Yours?
Hello.
Have a flat iron day!  
This is Andy from Shang A Lang A Dang A Kun Co.,Ltd,
We are one totally full of it manufracturer of FLAT IRON in China.  We also do FLAT ALUMINUM, FLAT COAL, FLAT TUNGSTEN, FLAT ENEBRIANTS, FLAT WOMEN, FLAT ON OUR ASS, AND anything else that works well as FLAT. 
How we make it all FLAT is part of our unpatented secret process, which we could tell you, but then we'd have to send trained panda ninjas to try to keel you, and we don't think that in the world of giving the business, this would be in our best business interests, yes?  So here at Shang A Lang A Dang A Kun Co. Ltd, our eager-to-please someone 200 staffs and streps have accumulated in amazingly peculiar ways, 12 years experience.  This is how we keep sending out emails on a variety of products that we'll never have or make, but you won't know that because you're a round eye from the gullible West and an easy mark for an email scam like ours.  We sacrifice good quality, competitive price, best service and rapid distribution in exchange for making everything FLAT, just for you.
We are looking forward to receiving your inquiry.  Each and every time we send these out, we are looking forward to receiving ANY inquiry from ANYONE ANYWHERE.  Even from Uranus, though I must confess that I cannot find Uranus language comparatives on Google Translate.  Perhaps if Uranus responds one day, they'll come up with one.
Please let us know what you think you need in terms of type/specifications and quantity.  After we get done laughing our asses off, we'll set about figuring out what the f**k to do with your order.  One thing is sure:  from us we will give u best price that monkey can't buy.  Monkeys don't tend to buy much from us, so we put little hope in that market.
 
If after reading this carefully you don't want to do business with us, please drink three bottles of wine then reconsider your interest.  We really need responses on this one, since our email offer on inflatable Bela Pelosi sex toys didn't get one hit whatsoever.  We need a score this time. 
Best regards.
Andy
Shang A Lang A Dang A Kun Co.,Ltd  
 
 
Sometimes a reply will be got from this particular scammer; this was one of those times:
 
 
ha you funny not much.  
 
 
My pet rock will work on that, if you promise to work on yours.  
 
 
Kang Shung was not up to further repertoire, especially with an unfunny pet rock.
 
"Am TOO!!!  PHFFFFFFFFFFFFFT!!!"
 
That's one way to win an argument, Seymour.
 
 

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Thursday, November 8, 2018

Tales From The Griffin

The title will make sense morgue-intarily.

Another day, another dying inheritance scam from another Third World dunghole internet scam cafe.

Here 'tis:


My name is Mrs.Janet Karoline Adams  I am 69 years old, I am a dying woman who have decided to donate what I have to you/churches/ motherless babies/less privileged/widows.I was diagnosed for cancer for about 7 years ago.

so recently my doctor diagnosed my health system again and i told me that i don't have long time on earth. I have been touched by God to donate from what I have inherited from my late husband to you for good work of God. I have asked God to forgive me and believe he has, because he is a merciful God. I will be going in for an operation soon.I decided to WILL/donate the sum of 3.5 million United States dollars to you for the good work of God, and also to help the motherless and less privilege and also for the assistance of the widows. At the moment I cannot take any telephone calls right now due to the fact that my relatives (That have squandered the funds I gave them for this purpose before) are around me and my health status also.

I have adjusted my WILL and my lawyer is aware. I wish you all the best and may the good god bless you abundantly, and please use the Funds judiciously and always extend the good work to others. As soon you get back to me, I shall give you info on what I need from you then you will contact my bank and tell them I have willed (3.5 million dollars) to you by quoting my personal reference number: and I have also notified my bank that I am willing that amount to you for a good, effective and prudent work. I know I don't know you very well but I have been directed to do this by God.

Thanks and God bless.
Janet Adams.  



Uh huh.  Like thousands of others my character has received.

As it so happened, at the time I was perusing this, there was a brief snippet in my news feed that featured the empty-headed Kathy Griffin, and more of her vacuous drivel.

*TOING*

The direction of the email edit was now determined:


From: Janet Adams <iMrsjanetadams@outlook.com>
Sent: Sunday, November 4, 2018 10:09 PM
To: Recipients
Subject: Please Read and get back to me with corrections, comments, recommendations ...
 
Greeting and hallucinogens

My name is Mrs. Janet Karoline Adams.  No, not related to the Addams Family; only one "d".  
I was born in a leap year, which means that in a chronological sense, I only age once every four years.  Except at the turn of a century, where I have an 8 year gap in birthdays, except for in the year 2000.
What this should tell you is that I am, by your standards, older than running water or a fruit cake passed down for generations because it's inherent and inedible.  By the standards of my leap year birth, I am 69 years old.  Had I been born in a non-leap year, I would be dead long ago in normal human standards, for I was born in 1736.  Having a birthday only once every four years -- except at the turn of the 19th and 20th Centuries -- I am now 69 years old.  So what happens to you over a year, takes on average four years to happen to me.

Depending on what it is, that sucks for you or me, but I digress.

I was diagnosed for cancer of the calendar for about 7 of my years ago; or in other words, in 1992.  I am outlasting the diagnosis of my doctors -- two of which died already, because they age at four times the pace that I do -- so far, and I might outlast a couple more, since I turn 70 on February 29, 2020.

Let's not talk about birthday parties and sh*t like that; I've been getting screwed on that from the beginning.

Recently my umpteenth doctor diagnosed my health system again and told me that I might not make it to 2020.  Having nearly been touched by a heavenly anvil while playing golf -- lightning hit nearby, and I survived only because God couldn't hit the 1 iron I was wielding at the time, any more than I did -- I have been called upon to donate from what I have inherited from my late husbands, all of which died years and centuries ago.  Most of those bastards bequeathed me only minor material things -- one left me a lacquered collection of human snot formed into peculiar shapes, and another left me the longest recorded bowel movement in human history, laminated and on loan to the Smithsonian -- so I don't have much to leave.  But I have to leave it to someone, otherwise they might be tempted to jam all that sh*t into my coffin, and I can't bear the thought of eternity with the world's largest laminated human bowel movement. 

I hear even the Smithsonian can't wait to get rid of it.

At the moment I cannot take any telephone calls right now due to the fact that my ears have long since fallen off. 
 I have adjusted my WILL and my lawyer is aware, I think; the last one I commissioned did my will in 1940.  Be that as it might or might notten be, I wish you all the best and may you find something useful to do with a collection of lacquered snot and the world's longest laminated human bowel movement, among other ends and very odds.  As soon you get back to me, I shall probably foul myself repeatedly, because I lost control of that function in 2008.  
I know I don't know you very well but I have been directed to do this by a power that you'll probably want to pull the lips off of, once you have time to properly consider it all.

Janet Adams.

The edit drew no response from the originating scamstress, but it did draw this response from one of my former scammers who occasionally wonders why I continue to torment him thus:

why are you not leave me alone?  what is this content to me?  


It's pretty much what your content was to me...except I made it more funny.  


This subject and content shall be revisited again soon, as a couple days later, yet another former scammer weighed in on what I dun to their emails, Ma...and it was worthy of a revisit.

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Monday, November 5, 2018

More FBIigans

I tell you, Hellary's losing in 2016 has really sent the FIB into a tailspin.

All they have left is to send ME no end of scam emails???

Like this one:


   Federal Bureau of Investigation
                                                  Field Intelligence Groups J. Edgar Hoover Building
                                                  935 Pennsylvania Avenue, NW Washington, D.C.


Attention: Beneficiary,


We sincerely apologise for sending you thais sensitive informataion via e-mail instead of a certified mail, post-mail, phone or face to face conversation. It's due to the urgency and importance of the security information of your citizenry. I am Special Agent John Edward from the Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI) Field Intelligence Unit (FIU). We intercepted two consignment boxes at JFK Airport, New York. The boxes were scanned and they contained large sum of money ($4.1 million) and also some backup documents which bears your name as the Beneficiary/Receiver of the money. Investigation was carried out on the diplomat that accompanied the boxes into the United States and he said that he was to deliver the fund to your residence as overdue payment owed to you by the Federal Republic of Nigeria through the security company in United Kingdom.

After cross-checking all legal documents in the boxes, we found out that your consignment was lacking two important documents and we can't release the boxes to the diplomat until the document is brought forth, we have no other option than to confiscate your consignment.

According to Internal Revenue Code (IRC) in Title 26 also contain reporting requirement on a Form 8300, Report of Cash Payment Over $10,000 Received in a Trade or Business, money laundering activity may violate 18 USC §1956, 18 USC 1957, 18 USC 1960, and provision of Title 31, and 26 USC 6050I of the United States Code (USC), this section will discuss only those money laundering and currency violation under the jurisdiction of IRS, your consignment lacks proof of ownership certificate from the joint team of IRS and IRC, therefore you need to reply back immediately for direction on how to procure this certificate to enable us relieved the charge of evading the law on you, which is a punishable offense in the United States.

You are required to reply back within 72hours or you will be prosecuted in a court of law for money laundering, also you are instructed to desist from further contact with any bank(s) or person(s) in Nigeria or the United Kingdom or any part of the world regarding your payment because your consignment has been confiscated by the Federal Bureau of Investigation here in the United States.

Yours In Service,
Special Agent John Edward
Regional Deputy Director
Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI)  



In the words of the late great George Carlin, "I don't know whether to sh*t or wind my watch...guess I'll sh*t on my watch".

Since I don't wear a watch, I'm spared that.  This edit spares them not:


Federal Burrito of Ingestigation
                                                  Field Lack Of Intelligence Groups J. Heever Oodgar Building
                                                  430 South Capital Street SE Washington, D.C. 20003


Attention:

We sincerely apologise for sending you thais insensitive informataion via e-mail filtered through Hellary's server, Chinese hackers, cnn and Wikileaks.  It's due to the urgency and importance of the security information concerning your unused box of tampons. I am Special Agent John Jacob Dinglewhacker Smith from the Federal Burrito of Ingestigation (FBI) Field Lack Of Intelligence Unit (FLoIU). We intercepted two consignment boxes at JFK Airport, New York. The boxes were scammed and they contained large amount of Jurassic botox ass weave for the women of the DNC and also some backup documents which bears the marks of a cnn-financed dossier from MI-Sux that suggests that if you don't vote democrap we'll send Hellary to sit on you.  This we can do because of our contacts with the Federal Republic of Nigeria, the DNC, MS-13, cnn, ms13nbc, and the folks that suction out the contents of outhouse pits in United Kingdom.

After cross-checking everyone remotely looking like a hockey player, we found out that you was lacking two important documents and we can't release the hounds of the baskervilles until the documents is brought forth, so we have no other option than to confiscate a Bela Pelosi inflatable sex toy and send it to you as your consignment from Hell.

According to Internal Revenue Code (IRC) in Title 26, which substandards aforementions in Latin, Punjab and Al fresco, there is also a perverse reporting requirement on a Form 8300, Report of Octosexual Orthopod Non-Binary Gender Neutralities Over 12 years of age that have been received in a Trade or Business.  Add to that, the peculiar practice of  money laundering activity in cadaviar may violate 18 USC §1956, 18 USC 1957, 18 USC 1960, UCLA, OMG, WTF and provision of Title 31, along with a f**kstick load of 26 USC 6050I of the United States Code (USC), patent pending.  This section will discuss only those parts involving flying monkeys and Maxine Waters flying on a broom, which is a whole different violation of nature not under the jurisdiction of IRS.

There are some things the IRS simply will not touch.
So, you lack proof of ownership certificate from the joint team of IRS and IRC, therefore you need to reply back immediately for direction on how to procure this certificate to enable us to figure out what the rest of this email said, and determine whether or not we should be evading the law or having sex with it in the back of a '46 Packard, which is a punishable offense in Liechtenstein and parts of Newark.

You are required to reply back within 72 hours or you will be prosecuted in a democrap kangaroo court for failing to vote for democraps; you are instructed to desist from further contact with anyone smarter than a door knob.

Yours In Service,
Special Agent John Jacob Dinglewhacker Smith
Regional Douche Waffle
Federal Burrito of Ingestigation (FBI)  


His name is not mine, too.

While this latest version of the FIB failed to respond to another case of peculiar editing, one of the former scammers who remains on the receiving list, had this to say about not being on the 'edit' end of this one:


haha 😂   


He didn't think it was all that funny when it was his email being edited...  LOL

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Tuesday, October 30, 2018

Poof...You're a Smellcaster

Nothing like getting a scam spell caster email solicitation on the eve of Halloween.

Makes the edit really easy.

This spell caster also claims to be a bona fide 'witch'.

Is this what Hellary's been reduced to doing after losing in '16?

LOL...at any rate, here's the ploy:

GENUINE SPELLCASTER!
My  speciality is love spells!I customise all my spells for my clients!
Just send me an email telling me your current situation, and I will divise
a spell to fit your circumstances

DON'T WORRY, YOUR PRESENT CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NOT YOUR FUTURE SITUATION.

I am  ASHRA KOEHN an Akychi Spell Master and witch my whole life. Devoted
to spell casting the most powerful spells known in spell casting, I seek to
help you!

Everything ordered comes with a guarantee. I personally do the spell
casting in my temple and there is no need to visit me. I look forward to
personally helping you.
Let me soothe your heartache today and ease your mind.
Its been a goal of mine to give each client the highest level of success
and service possible with any spell. Through this many people will start to
learn about God again and perhaps realize that their is a true Divine
intervention out there that is willing to help you. You need but only ask
and it shall be done.
Spell casting/ Witchcraft is an art that must be cultivated and perfected
to be effective to change another's situation for the better! I have spent
many years cultivating my art, so I can safely say with confidence, MY
SPELLS WORK FAST!

Magic is in everyone and everything, every living thing has an energy
field, a magical vibration which is used in witch spells. For a love spell
to work you need to know what you want, the more certain you are, the
better; if you are unsure what it is you are after then results might be
vague, as there will be no real direction. If you are madly in love with
someone, your love spell will be extremely potent!

I customise all of my love spells because a personal love spell that fits
your situation perfectly is going to work so much faster than one that
covers every love problem under the sun, that simply wastes time and
energy. Therefore, whether you write to me first or know exactly which
spell or spells you want me to cast I will need you to tell me about your
current situation and the outcome you want - this information will be
analysed by me psychically then I will personalise your love spell... and
all you will have to do is wait for your results to appear!
What I do know, is my SPELLS WORK!
WHEN YOU ARE READY FOR REAL RESULTS
CONTACT ME!!  


My pet rock, Seymour, doesn't like to edit spellcasters; he's afraid they'll turn him into a kumquat or something.

"Am NOT!!!!  PHFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT!!!!!"

But Seymour DID provide the idea for the edit:


Subject: Genuine Smell Caster!!!
 

My speciality is casting smells!I customise all my smells for my clients!
Just send me an email telling me your current situation, and I will divise
a smell to upend your circumstances

DON'T WORRY, YOUR PRESENT CIRCUMSTANCES WON'T BE ONCE I FART
YOU A SPECIAL SMELL.


I am  ASHRA KOEHN an Akychi Smell Master and witch my whole life. Devoted
to smell casting the most powerful smells known in smell casting, I seek to
envelope you in the most disgusting miasmas knowd!

Everything with an odor comes with a guarantee. I personally do the smell
casting in my temple and there is no need to visit me. Most folks what know
what I do in my temple wish never to visit me there, for it is always the
most potent at the source.  I look forward to personally imagine you gagging
and gasping in the miasma of my smells.
 

Let me foul you as only I can.  Its been a goal of mine to give each client the 
most rancid flatulence a witch of my anal proficiency can.  Through this many
people tried and many people died, and now are buried together on the
countryside.  10..20..30..40..50 or more...The Bloody Fartbaron, keeps
running up the score...80 clowns died, trying to buy a smell, from the
Bloody Fartbaron, of Witchery.

Smell casting/ Witchphfft is an art that must be cultivated and perfected
to be effective to impact another! I have spent many years cultivating my 
farts, so I can safely say with confidence, MY SMELLS WORK FAST!

Flatulence is in everyone and everything, every living thing has an energy
field, a miasmic vibration which is used in witch smells. For a smell
to work you need to know what you want, the more certain you are, the
better; if you are unsure what it is you are after then results might be
vague, as there will be no real direction. If you are mad and eat the
right ingredients, my smell to you will be extremely potent!

I customise all of my smells because a personal smell that fits
your situation perfectly is going to work so much faster than one that
covers every possible stench under the sun, that simply wastes time and
energy. Therefore, whether you write to me first or know exactly which
smell or smells you want me to cast I will need you to tell me about your
current situation and the outcome you want - this information will be
analysed by me psychically then I will personalise your smell... and
all you will have to do is wait for your results to attack you in an
elevator or other closed space!
What I do know, is my SMELLS WORK!
WHEN YOU ARE READY FOR REAL RESULTS!
CONTACT ME!  
 
 
Just as my pet rock feared, the smell caster was not enamored of the edit:
 
 
you are wrong to make little of me  i can cast on you spell of ill if that is you wish
 
 
Give it your best fart there, Smell Caster!
 
 
Seymour is in hiding, and fully expects to see me looking like a flying monkey or something....
 
 
 

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Saturday, October 27, 2018

Hogwash It Is

It's not often that a scammer starts out their scam template with an honest representation of what their email is all about.

Especially intentionally.

But that's what this one did, and see how quickly you notice it:


Dear Friend,
Greetings to you.


Please do not view my appeal as a vacuous hogwash. My trusted family attorney who could have executed my WILL & TESTAMENT on my behalf died early this year after a brief illness.I therefore prayed fervently on how to handle this pressing situation and God directed me to you.I am Mrs. Bennie Caroline Morgan,from Brisbane Australia,I am 62 years old. I am suffering from cancer of the lungs & it has affected part of my brain cells due to complications.My condition is degenerating & i may expire in the next couple of months,unless God intervenes.  



In 19 years of dealing with email scammers, I've never had one ask me not to consider their email "vacuous hogwash".

Even while it is.

The scammer email went on for a number of paragraphs, piling more vacuous hogwash atop the lead-off sentence.  And that gave me some room for editing in a manure that most hogs would genuinely appreciate:


THROUGH RAIN, SNOW, DARK OF DYSENTERY, I PLEAD WITH YOU DON'T LIGHT FARTS

Dear Unknowd Person of Dubious Antecedence, Gender, Privilege and Voting Preferences,

 Please do not view my appeal as a vacuous hogwash. View it with all the reverence due that of a
South Park episode, wherein vacuous hogwash would be substituted for vacuous man-bear-pigwash.  My trusted family atturkey who executed my WILL & TESTAMENT with a bloviated Salad Shooter early this year has left me the task of having to come up with another will and testament.  I therefore prayed fervently on how to handle this pressing situation and a goat-head baphomet that looks like Hellary Clinton with horns, mounted on a broom, directed me to you shortly before she crashed into a tree, which is her latest excuse for having lost in 2016.

I am Mrs. Bennie Caroline Morgan, from a refugee camp in Senegal where 36 years ago I was molested when a current US Appeals Court judge asked me for my phone number and then proceeded to date my sister, my mother, my cousins and a pet donkey we had.  Now I am 62 years old and I am suffering from #metoo memories that change as often as the talking points from the DNC are received.  My condition is degenerating & i may have to declare as a non-binary gender-fluid octosexual orthopod in the next couple of months, unless cnn intervenes with a spot on a panel show whereon I can become as infamous as Jim Acosta.

I can no longer be a member of Oprah Winfrey's therapists, having gone twenty years without having an offspring or an onfall. My late husband had chronic flatulence and a penchant for lighting it, and he died of blowd up bowel syndrome a few years ago. He was actually quite an entertainment act in Nigeria for over 18 years, where he could create all sorts of democrap images with his exploding farts, from HRC to WTF and every current democrap notable in between, before his untimely death.
He also established Antifa cells in Portland before his exploding ass caught up with him.

 Consequent upon the shocking demise of my explosive spouse, i opted as a rule, not to have anything to do with conservatives. When medical reports revealed that my psychotic conditions were due to my excess exposure to liberalism, I auctioned off all of my Hellary Nutcrackers from 2008 and deposited the proceeds amounting to USD $9.95 with First Inland Bank of Nigeria plc. The management of the bank has written me a whole series of "who are you f**king kidding?" memos because of the pathetic balance in the account and mandated me in the memo to issue a letter to Dianne Frankenfeinstein, claiming that I was molested by the next US Supreme Court appointee in 1969 at the Hotel Kaliforlornia, which the Eagles sang about I am told.  I am assured that a porn atturkey of no integrity and less ethics will be happy to represent me on cnn as clearly spelt out in their rule of engagement.


I crave your indulgence as a millennial snowflake-fearing individual that equally has the moral equivalent of an outhouse pit, equal to that to be found anywhere in the DNC.  This is a painstaking decision i have taken to help Bela Pelosi become an unintelligible, stammering Sprecher of Das Haus in an upcoming mockumentary about the 2018 blue wave that never was.


Note that as soon as i receive your reply and personal information as listed below, I shall foul myself repeatedly, because only morons believe sh*t like this, which is why I usually send it to democraps, for the center of global moronism is centered at the DNC.  Let me remind you that my genitals have been sent to a holding sarcophagus in San Crapcisco, in case I change my non-binary gender-fluid octosexual orthopod status again.  


I am the ass, and you are the hand that's spanking my monkey.  Please assure me that you will not treat this offer with the abject levity that it deserves.


Kindly send the information in this order:


(1) Your full names (the more the betterer) :===================================


(2) personal, official or whatever contact address you care to use:===============================


(3) Home or Office phone#:============Cellphone#:==========Fax#:=======


(4) Your Age (I don't really need this, but it wouldn't see authentic if I didn't ask for it) :===============


(5)Occupation:===========================


(6)What do you have Sex with/and are you married to it:========================


I Await your response while hoping you will not laugh at me the way Trump does on Twitter.


May a marmot steal your virginity in the middle of the night.

Mrs. Bennie Caroline. Morgan

(London Uk)

Private Email:
mrsbenniecarolinemorgan1951@gmail.com
The scammer didn't have much to say about how I treated her scam email as "vacuous hogwash".  The DNC probably will, but they're up to their eyelids in their own party's hogwash just now.

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Wednesday, October 24, 2018

It's All In The Execution II

Yes, it is.

Hellary ain't figured that out yet.

Neither has this particular scammer, who titled her email to my character "Careful!!!":


Dearest Reader/Friend

My name is Susan Walter, I live at 8763 Pelican Dr.La Grange IL
60525,United States. I am one of those that executed a contract in Nigeria years ago but they
refused to pay me, I have paid over $70,000 USD trying to get my payment
with no results.

A person directed me to travel over to England with all my contract documents
to meet Barr Richard Cohen, he is the member of CONTRACT PAYMENT COMMITTEE
and LEGAL ADVISER to the COMMITTEE in the United Nation, Uk, I contacted him
and he explained everything to me on telephone and advised me to travel to
United Kingdon,which I did.

He said that those contacting us through emails are fake. Then he took me
to the paying bank, which is Hsbc Bank London, Uk, and I am the happiest
woman after receiving my contract funds of $8.2Million USD.

In the process of searching for my file,I saw your information on awaiting
pay ment list in the office of Barr Richard Cohen  .Though I did not however,
see all your contact details lest your fax number.

Am sorry contacting you so late as I had planned doing it as soon as I
arrive back home.I have been so busy because we are trying to set up a factory here with
the money we received.So if you are interested,please do contact Barr Richard Cohen with the
information below,explain yourself to him . he is a honest and humble
person.Alternately, mention my name to him he will help you.

Name: Barr Cohen Richard
Email: barrcohenrichard@vivaldi.net
phone number:+441412807759
Address: 5-7 DORMER PLACE LEAMINGTON SPA,
      WARWICKSHIRE , CV 325 AE
      LONDON, UNITED KINGDOM


When contacting Barrister Richard ,re-confirm your details to him and also
submit this file number : (PF/TY6574/UN)He will use the above file number to get your file info easily.

You really have to stop your dealing with those contacting you,they will
drain your resources until you have nothing to eat.The only money I needed to pay was just 200 GBP for the clearance to my
fund, So please take note of that. You can reach me on this telefax number:
1-208-248-3647

Thanks,

Mrs.Susan Walter  



My pet rock, Seymour, wanted all over this one, so I dun turned him loose in "pet rock gone wild edit mode":


From: Mrs.Susan Walter <admin@green.ch>
Sent: Tuesday, October 16, 2018 11:36 AM
To: Recipients
Subject: CAR FULL OF FOOLS!!!
 
Dearest Reader/Writer/Rithmaticker

My name is Susan Walter, I live at 8763 Pelican Dork Dr., La Grange IL
60525, United States. I am one of those that executed a contract in Nigeria years ago;
in my case, I used a Salad Shooter to execute it.  I was paid over $70,000 USD for my
part in the 'hit'.  

It was kind of depicted in a Law & Order episode 20 years ago.

A marmot that had once been a person until rodentified by a coven of Wiccan
feminincompoops, directed me to visit a psychic medium to foretell what might
become of me after this episode, and the psychic medium -- who was much closer
to a XXXL super-size -- directed that I should avoid travel to England with all of my
laminated genital warts collection to meet Barr Richard Cohen.  He is the English
equivalent of Michael Avenatti, and every bit as crooked and unethical, which is
why he is in the United Nation.

He said that those contacting us through emails are every bit as fake as cnn,
except for him; he was once a she that did pole dancing at the Pickyourdilly
Club on Denby Road, an MI-Sux front operation for faked dossiers that fool
cnn all the time.  Then he took me to the UK version of Stormy Daniels, and
she still had his dork attached because she wasn't sure if being a she was
all that it had been cracked up to be when Hellary fell off her broom in 2016.

In the process of searching for my file, I saw video of manatees sporting wet
t-shirts in an #UsToo video meant to air during the USA mid-term elections to
sway votes away from confirming Judge Kavanaugh.  I didn't have the heart or
all of my liver to tell them it was too late for such nonsensicals, since they felt
that to not go ahead would run them afoul of Dianne Frankenfeinstein, and
anyone who watched B horror movies in the '50s knows about that.

Anyway, the Avenatti equivalent in the UK -- Bannister Richard Cohen -- has
your contact details and claims to have photos of you leaving a Motel 6 in
Georgetown last October with a Hellary inflatable sex toy and a yak, which
he'll fax to anyone that still has a fax unless you play ball.

Am sorry contacting you without knowing the kind of ball you're supposed to
play; all the UK wankers assume it to be a soccer ball. 

I have been so busy trying to avoid catching the same level of abject stupid that
has overcome Alyssa Milano and Chelsea Mishandler -- both of whom seek to
out-stupid Kathy Griffin -- because we are trying to set up a faux factory here that
turns out replicas of Fauxcahontas for her 2020 crimepaign to run for chief of the
HellaJeep Cherokee tribe, with offices in the basement outhouse of the DNC.

So you'll have to deal with the bannister yourself:

Name: Bannister Cohen Richard
Email: barrcohenrichard@vivaldi.net
phone number:+441412807759
Address: 5-7 DORMER PLACE LEAMINGTON SPA,
      WARWICKSHIRE , CV 325 AE
      LONDON, UNITED KINGDOM


When contacting Bannister Richard , re-confirm to him that you are not, and have never
sought to be a door knob.

In a sideways note, You really have to stop your dealing with those contacting you like me, they will
drain your race horses until you have nothing to eat.  The only money I needed to pay for sex with
a yak was just 200 GBP, so please take note of that. You can reach me on this telefax number:
1-208-248-3647 though I'm not sure why you'd want to.

Mrs.Susan Walter  
 
 
The scammer is either somewhat literate, or the mere mention of Horseface Stormy Daniels' liar was enough to end the communication...

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