Thursday, August 17, 2017

Wasting Away In Buffettville

At least the scam did.

Regardless...my character can now say that he's 'heard' from Warren Buffett...knowing full well that he ain't really.

Butfett, here's how it all began:


Am Strandberg Birthe the Accountant to (Warren Buffett Foundation)Warren Buffett Foundation picked you for a $1,500,000 donation.For more details contact Warren Buffett Foundation email:warren.bb@aim.com  


So let me get this straight:  a world multi-billionaire throws me a measly $1.5 million dollar bone, and I'm supposed to get excited about that?  What a cheeseball.  


And you mighta thought that it'd end there, right?  Well, ol' Warren didn't achieve all that he has without persistence.  Neither do scammers:


MR WARREN AND MY WIFE SUSAN BUFFETT
Date 14-04-2017.
Dear Jack Ewehoff ,
Thank you for responding to my email.
It is my pleasure to inform you that you have been gifted $1,500,000.00 United States Dollars donation fund.
I hope this information meet you well as I know you will be curious to know why/how I selected you to receive a cash sum of $1,500,000.00 United States Dollars, our information below is 100% legitimate, please see the link below:
http://articles.latimes.com/…/la-fi-mo-warren-buffett-gates…
My wife and I decided to donate the sum of $1,500,000.00 United States Dollars to you as part of our charity project to improve the lot of 10 lucky individuals all over the world from our $12 Billion United States Dollars I and My Wife Mapped out to help people before she died.
We prayed and searched over the internet for assistance because i saw your profile on Microsoft email owners list and picked you. Susan my wife and i have decided to make sure this is put on the internet for the world to see. my wife has cancer and she died at colchester regional hospital, my wife just didn't die but she was a great person and I miss her so much and this is why I have decided to do one thing i promised her forever. as you could see from the webpage above, am not getting any younger and you can imagine having no much time to live. although am a Billionaire investor and we have helped some charity organizations from our Fund.
You see after taken care of the needs of our immediate family members, Before she died we decided to donate the remaining of our Billions to other individuals around the world in need, the local fire department, the red cross, Haiti, hospitals in truro where Susan underwent her cancer treatment, and some other organizations in Asia and Europe that fight cancer, alzheimer's and diabetes and the bulk of the funds deposited with our payout bank of this charity donation. we have kept just 40% of the entire sum to our self for the remaining days because i am sick and am writing you from hospital computer because i don't know when i will die.
To facilitate the payment process of the funds ($1,500,000.00 United States Dollars) which have been donated solely to you, you are to send us
your full names.................
your contact address................
your personal telephone number...............

so that i can forward your payment information to you immediately. I am hoping that you will be able to use the money wisely and judiciously over there in your country. please you have to do your part to also alleviate the level of poverty in your region, help as many you can help once you have this money in your personal account because that is the only objective of donating this money to you in the first place.
I like to re-assure you of the legitimacy of this services as we will not be involved in any fraudulent act and will never be. use the money wisely, we only want to feel good by helping people this time of the year, this is the only thing that makes my wife happy too even now that she is not here with me any more, we have too much to give away as I only have few months left on earth. I will advise as you as the prospective lucky Person to be calm not to loose this great opportunity which millions of people are trying to entangled but the chances just couldn't come for them because a lot of people are out there to discourage them as they don't know how it works, and have never seen such before.
Thank you for accepting our offer, we are indeed grateful You Can Google my name for more information: Mr Warren Buffett.
God bless you.
Warren Buffett.  



And from h'yah, we begin a downward spiral:


Are you REALLY Mr. Buffett, or just a cheap knock off?  


You should not underestimate anybody's intelligence that you have not met.. This world is full of Thieves and low lives and unfortunately those people have made it difficult for anyone to trust anyone... and unfortunately words through emails can't prove anything about anyone.We Have not met. And I am not too proud to say that you would be lucky to have me as a friend. God bless you as you take your time to reflect and let me know if my donation will not be needed neither for you nor members of your entire family and community.
Warren Buffett.  



If you are, indeed, Mr. Buffett, you have a very good point with your opening response; that said, you should also remember to apply that opening response to those you contact via email.   Underestimating the intelligence of those you email but have not met is not a wise thing for you to do, either.    If we have this established as the foundation of a basis of understanding, we can avoid wasting away in Margaritaville and perhaps arrive at an understanding and arrangement. Yes?  


What is this about Margaritaville? What is the meaning?  


You sang about it...WTF don't you bother to pay attention to what you're cutting records on?  


There is apparent a misunderstand here that you are not getting. We have sent a mail to you to send full information so that you can be verified i you are the true beneficiary and you will be called upon by your number . Thanks for understand.  


Would cheeseburger with parasites jog your mammory better?  


Mr. Jack, are you a serious person?  


Rarely but I do have my moments. Had one in 2003. That soon enough?  


The Warren buffett foundation only deal with serious peoples.  Never mind.  


I rather thought I'd been contacted by Harvest House Buffet here.  April Fools is on the first, dudes.  What's on second.   I don't know...Third Base!


Needless to say, my character will be getting no $1.5 Million USD from Warren Buffett.  Nor a cheeseburger with parasites.  Nor a two for one Harvest House special...which disappoints my pet rock, Seymour.

"You muffed getting a twofer??? PHFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT!!!"

Labels: , , ,

Monday, August 14, 2017

Scamming The Scam Police

Nothing like getting a scam email from...wait for it...the Scam Police.

Uh huh.

Get a load of this email from the West Africa Security Police:


Good Morning my Brother/sister

We are notifying you this afternoon following so many Frauds report  against you from west Africa here, precisely, Ghana, Nigeria and
Benin.From United State FBI and scam Monitoring Teams, we have been
notified through the security agents that so much money has been sent by
United states Citizens to scam experts of the above countries who
neither do not have any of your funds or have idea about that. Most of
this scammers uses names of corporate companies, Individuals and courts
and even the security agencies to scam innocent citizen of their hard
earned income.

Your case is prominent among this victims, as you were reported to have
sent fee to scammers of above countries. And in conjunction with United
states CIA, we are working diligently to get to the root of this. We got
your email address through United states FBI now in investigation
exercise in Africa.

Now, for the sake of your freedom, we will like to know more about your
transactions in west Africa here, and why all the fees are sent. Bear in
mind, The information from FBI says those scammers uses the names of
fake companies, Banks, and corporate institutions to collect fee from
you instead of original right entrusted person EMAIL US ( westafricapolice@naij.com)

Best Regards.
West Africa Security Team  



It was so convincing.  So much so, I reckoned that an edit was called for:


Boom lacka lacka lacka boom lacka lacka lacka DAYOOOOOOO!

We be notifying you this afternoon following so many Frauds report
against you from west Africa here, precisely, Ghana, Nigeria and
Benin, as reported to us by the United State FBI and scam Monitoring Teams.
 
 
You bad...you very very baaaaad.

We are been notified through the security agents here that you not been
sending all the fee payments you're supposed to; that you're leaving
Western Union payments hanging out in cyberspace; that you're
stranding diplomats at airports, or in countries where they get cooked
and eaten by the locals.

Once again, you bad.

It isn't right of you that so much money has been withheld by
United states Citizens from scam experts of the above countries who
neither do not have any of your funds or have idea about that. Most of
this activity against scammers by you is very unkewl of you, since it takes
them time and money to make up the sh*t they use to earn money via
scamming, which includes using names of corporate companies, Individuals
and courts and even the security agencies.

They're just trying to make a living, and you're f**king them out of that by
not paying them the fees they ask of you.

This is why we investigate you.

Your case is prominent in our files, as you were reported to have not
sent fee to scammers of above countries. And in conjunction with United
states CIA, we are working diligently to get to the root of this. We got
your email address through United states FBI now in investigation
exercise in Africa and they promise us that they will bring you to justice.
 

Now, for the sake of your freedom, we will like to know more about your
transactions in west Africa here, and why all the fees are not sent. Bear in
mind, The information from FBI says you owe money to all those scammers
and it's our job to get you to do the right things here, soonest.

 EMAIL US to get this worked out soonest if not soonerer ( westafricapolice@naij.com).
West Africa Security Team
"Doing The Screwing For 20 Years Now"
 This didn't get any further response from the West Africa Security Police, but it will probably get some ire from Cross Eyed Friends Of Bela Pelosi...

Labels: ,

Friday, August 11, 2017

Who Is This Man?

Most of us know who this ma'am is.  But what follows wanders a tad into Whiskey Tango Foxtwot territory.

It all begins when another of my characters gets an email from a Dr. Gideon Masie (who's been made fun of prior in this blog), that winds up taking an unforeseen turn.  Meanwhile, here's how it all started:

ON THE DESK TOP OF                                                                  GIDEON MASIE
                                                                BARCLAYS BANK OF ENGLAND

Hello sir,
In reference to your funds which was forwarded to us here ( BARCLAYS BANK OF ENGLAND) FOR FURTHER VERIFICATION AND AUTHENTICATION .
We want to come to your notice that after due verification, we found out that your fund transfer was done through non existing banking process based on open tender policy.
As a matter of fact, the transfer which was attempted several times with different beneficiaries was believed to be a floating fund without a good clam of ownership.

On this regard, I, Mr.Gideon Masie is now your new bank officer.
I will work well with you but I love transparency in every thing I do. You will have your money but due to the errors committed in the past, some areas need to be clarified for the security of the fund, As soon as 100% guarantee is achieved,this is to know is the fund in question is a payment for drug transaction ,money laundry or things related to that.once this is done, I have no any other option than to forward your money to any accounted provided
We are sorry if this in one way or the other will affect you but there is nothing we can do than what is necessary  for security reasons.

DONT BE AFRAID TO RELATE TO ME OF WHERE YOU ARE HAVING PROBLEM
YOU MAY CONTACT ME ON MY PRIVATE EMAIL
gideonmasie@yahoo.com

GIDEON MASIE
BARCLAYS BANK OF ENGLAND  



After some preliminary back 'n forth, my character was introduced to a second person in Dr. Gideon's repertoire, a Michael Udenze, allegedly a lawyer who would further along Dr. Gideon's scam:


Hello JE,
This is from Barrister Michael Udenze writing in regards to your arrangement with Dr. Gideon.
Doctor told me that you have being on a sick bed. I am sorry. I pray that you will recover soonest.
As he must have told you, I don't come out open working for our customers to avoid implications but because of your health  will need an authorized latter of assignment from you with three copies of your passport photograph. (the passport can be copied from any of your pictures)
Account info and details where you will want the money to be transferred to and a scan ID
Please do split the 3000pds  in to three while sending through western union or any other money transfer to
RECEIVER'S NAME ANDREW JONES
CITY. LONDON
Waiting for you.
Michael U  
 
 
For unexplained reasons, Dr. Gideon told the bannister that my character was sick, and this caused a little bit of a 'tiff' betwixt us for a short time.  But my character got over it in the interests of keeping this going a tad.
 
When out of no where, a new player comes in via email within the same thread:
 
 
My name is Mr. Andriy Kuzma from Ukraine.
I am getting in touch with you regarding an extremely important and urgent matter. If you would oblige me the opportunity, I shall provide you with details upon your response.  
 
 
LOL...over the years I've had scammers lose track of their scams and the characters they're supposed to be playing, so I assumed that this was another case of such.  At any rate, I decided to float it by Dr. Gideon to explain WTF this was all about:
 
 
What does Andriy Kuzma have to do with you?  
 
 
Dr. Gideon responds:
 
 
I have not heard about that name before  
 
 
Curious...an email from him came up in this thread.  That suggested to me that you had another partner in this.   Unless he is an associate of Michael Udenze?  If so, it is a digressing proposal, not the one you began with me.  Are you sure that Udenze isn't double dealing you?  
 
 
We don't know him Sir.   
 
 
And I get this from Udenze, which starts with an email from Dr. Gideon to Udenze, wanting to know about this Kuzma charaacter:
 
 
I received this message from Mr.Jack. Who is this man from Ukraine?
> My name is Mr. Andriy Kuzma from Ukraine.

 
 
It is followed by Udenze's email to my character:
 
 
Hello JE,
I just received below message from Dr.Gideon. Honestly speaking, am not happy with this.The only business I have with you is to help you obtain some vital documents and submit them to Dr. Gideon. I have no connection with any person in Ukraine and have never been to Ukraine all the days of my life. I have no reason at all to tamper with your transaction.
The receivers name I gave you is due to security reasons.Andrew Jones is my In-law. I have not even told him about anything.
Please, I have no hand in this.  
 
 
Meantime, my character is inquiring of Mr. Kuzma about the other two:
 
 
Upon accepting to transact with us, we require your utmost trust and total dedication, since you will be in charge of the aforementioned funds. I'm seeking your partnership in transferring funds to a local bank in your country. This is a deal of over (€25m) which was abandoned in my bank by a late customer.
I'm hoping you are comfortable with the sharing ratio, 50% to each side is a fair deal. This transaction is 100% reliable and secured. With my position as the Head of Operations of Kreditukr Investment Bank, handling this transaction is within my power only with your full support. The funds will be released to you in 10-15 business days after all necessary measures has been met. I require the below information to commence this process:

1. FULL NAME
2. DATE OF BIRTH
3. OCCUPATION
4. CONTACT ADDRESS
5. PHONE NUMBER
6. SCANNED VALID ID, DRIVER'S LICENSE or PASSPORT

Once the above information gets to us, an  application letter will be sent to Central Bank of Ukraine on your behalf by our accredited Consultant. (I will copy you his contact on the receipt of the above mentioned details) I will also send you my international passport and all related as proof to make you more comfortable that this is all legit and risk-free, most importantly, I will like you to assure me that you will not betray this trust and confidence that am about to repose on you.

After the transaction, I'll like to meet with you and your family as soon as we get the funds transferred into your nominated bank account for disbursement and investment purposes.
Hope to read from you soon.


Kind Regards,
Andriy Yakiv Kuzma.
Head Manager, Kredit Ukrainian Investment Bank, Ukraine.
KreditUkr | PRIVACY POLICY
© 2017 KreditUkr P.O Box 1000 Donetsk, 03680. Ukraine.  
 
 
Are you working with Gideon Masie?  
 
 
I have no idea who Gordon is, did you get the details of my email to you?  
 
 
Yes, I got the details...but I want to know why your emails are meshing with those of a Gideon Masie and Michael Udenze.  That suggests you're working with them.  
 
 
With my vast experience in banking, I must warn you to avoid and seize communicating with anyone trying to use my information to extort people.  Actually I was hacked recently, I guess that is how my account got compromised, kindly do away with such people and block them if possible and maybe have an IT personnel to come check for computer for any possible hack activity.

Meanwhile, in receipt of your response with the required details, I shall proceed with the registration of your details into the bank system database as the beneficiary to the account.
I look forward to hearing from you shortly.  
 
 
I love it when scammers tell me to block other scammers.  At any rate, we go on:
 
 
If your account was hacked:
  1.  was it the Russians that did it?
  2. How can I know that I'm talking to you, and not the hacker? 


Kindly forward me the emails you received from Gordon Masie and Michael Udenze.
Now back to your questions.

1. No way I could have known who hacked my account,
2. I have had it checked out by computer specialist.

My computer is completely safe now.
I hope to see the emails sent to you by those two.  



So my character sends Kuzma the emails from Dr. G and Udenze, whilst telling them this:


It's an interesting situation.  You and Udenze insist that you do not know him; he insists that the both of you are frauds.  Most interesting situation.  However, since Russian hacking has been highlighted in the news so recently -- and Ukraine was a part of Russia -- I do suspect that Kuzma might be part of a hacking network.  


Thus responds Dr. Gideon:


As I say we do not know him and you must belief that he is a fraud not us.  Please do not mix our business with him further please.  


Long as things are suitably convoluted here, I decide to further toss a few monkey tools into the pumps, by having yet another character weigh in with all three individual email addresses thus:


Who Is This Man:




 I have heard from all three of you who appear to be working at cross porpoises, which I took to be very pissed off mammals of the aquatic variety.  So...who is this man and what do the three of you have in common with him?  And how does it all connect to me?  Expedience in response, please.  


First my second character gets this from Dr. Gideon:


Who are you?  I not write to you?  Are you Mr. Kuzma?  


And this from Bannister Udenze:


I am not known to you.  What is going on?  


And finally, Kuzma weighs in:


I have no time for jokes with you people.  Stop contacting me.  


Which gets this response from Dr. Gideon who for whatever reasons also copied Udenze and my character:


I did not contact you.  You stop contacting!  


Since he copied all of us (other than my original character, I let the second character reply):


Okay, kiddies...unless you all want to be sent to different corners for time outs, you will play nice.  Simply answer my question of who is this man?


That resulted in chirping crickets so far as my second character went.  So now back to the first character, who decides to either draw them out further, or end the silly thread thus:


Okay.  It appears clear to me that Dr. Gideon and Bannister Udenze claim to not know Andriy Kuzma; and that Kuzma does not know Masie and Udenze.  YET...somehow, the three of you wound up on the same email thread that began with Dr. Gideon. 

Kuzma claims that his email was recently hacked.  I suspect that perhaps this same hacker may have conjoined my emails with Dr. Gideon and Udenze as well, though I am at a loss to explain how.

And this morning, I get an email from yet another person who identifies himself as Ukulele Ungabunga, and shows up as a fourth character in this email thread, sending me a picture of some German looking officer and demanding to know who is this man?

What is becoming very clear to me is that someone amongst you has lost total control of your email security.  And with that loss of control, I can have no confidence in dealing with such a situation.

I leave it to the four of you -- Dr. Gideon, Udenze, Kuzma and Ungabunga -- to sort out what the f**k is going on, and get back to me with a logical and rational way forward in this deal, if after all this, there is one.  

I don't know if any of the first three are still talking to one another out there, but none are speaking to either of my characters at this point.

Nyuk.

 

 
 
 
 
 
 

Labels: , , , , ,

Tuesday, August 8, 2017

Is There Any Help In This Thread?

Within a scant few emails, one scammer was seeking to know if my character was going to help her or not.

Them of you what knows me -- and by association, my characters -- nothing further need be said.

But that'd be no fun.

Let's start with her opening email:


Please forgive this interrupt, but I need to discuss importance with you.  Please respond.  


Her name was Sandra Larry.  Or his name was Larry Sandra.  I wasn't sure so I had my character inquire:

Is you Sandra Larry or Larry Sandra? 


I knowd I had a bright bulb on the other end with this:


Thanks for your mail.How are you doing this beautiful day ! I hope all is well with you .Friendship can not be measured in terms of material value, nor can it be explained through our use of language, it is a thing that is felt deep within the heart, where no words can ever come close to the truth.
I want to assure you that Color, Race, Religion, or Nationality makes no difference to me . What i see in people are their Personality and Character .kindly go to the below web page; ( BBC NEWS | Africa | Air crash kills Sudanese minister) (http://www.nytimes.com/2008/ 05/02/world/africa/02iht- 02sudan.12531389.html?_r=1) Although we have not known each other before,But after going through your profile,I decided to contact you, also from the inspirations that i had from God, i believed that you will not fail me, and that through you, i will get the assistance needed.
However, My name is Miss Sandra Larry.,I am Single, 26years old, was born in South  Sudan with no kid and never married. 5ft 8inches Tall, 55kg weight,black hair and brown eyes, fair in complexion daughter to late Mr Justin Yak (former Minister for SPLA Affairs and Special Adviser to President Larry Kiir of South Sudan for Decentralization.) After the burial of my father, my uncle conspired and sold my father's properties to one Chinese Expatriate and live nothing for me. One faithful morning, I opened my father's briefcase and found out the documents which he have deposited huge amount of money in one bank with my name as the next of kin and also as writing in my late fathers PERSONAL WILL SAID THAT I AM THE NEXT OF KIN OF THE  MONEY . I escaped to Senegal to seek asylum,for my security, because i am not save with my uncle.
I have made contact with the bank where the money is deposited,in their responds, they told me that my father's instruction to the bank was the money to be released to me only when I am married or present a trustee who will help me and invest the money overseas, coupled with the refugee law of Senegal that prevented a refugee from handling anything money.So I am in search of ; an honest and reliable person who will help me and stand as my trustee/partner,so that I will present him to the Bank for transfer of the money to his bank account overseas.
Though you may wonder why I am so soon revealing myself to you without knowing you, well, I will say that my mind convinced me that you are the true person to help me. More so,I would like to disclose much to you if you can help me to relocate to your country because my uncle have threaten to assassinate me. The amount is $7. 2 Million.You will also help me to place the money in a more profitable business venture in your Country. However, you will help by recommending a nice University in your country so that I can complete my studies.
Here is the number of the rev. father in charge of our refugee camp, when you call tell him that you want to speak with me (+221707142475)  and his name is Rev James Matthew.As soon as I receive your interest in helping me. Meanwhile, As soon as I receive your positive response showing your interest, I will put things into action immediately and will educate you more on the way you will assist me receive the money. In the light of the above, I shall appreciate an urgent response indicating your ability and willingness to handle this transaction sincerely. I am staying at the female hostel here in the refugee camp. Please, keep this transaction to your self only. Do not disclose it to any one due to it nature till the fund (Money) gets to you in your country which I will also come over once the fund is been successfully transferred.I really appreciate your concern, waiting for your urgent response so that we can  proceed. Please send me your full
contact information so that i can use it to write a letter of nomination to the bank so that when you contact the bank, they will know of a truth that you are coming on my behalf.
1.Your full names and country name...
2.Your phone and fax number..............
3.Your working place and position in the office..........
Note: I wanted to escape to the Europe but unfortunately lost my international passport and other valuable traveling documents when I was absconding from my country on public transport. I promise you sincerity and honesty over this our transaction and relationship and will always love you forever. I expect your honest and earliest reply.
Best Regards
Yours Miss Sandra   


I could have put a lot of effort into screwing with this, but truth be told, I was every bit as bored as y'all by the time I was a paragraph into it.  So I just decided to see how long she'd hang with these kinds of replies:


I cannot help a woman with a man's last name.  Sorry.   Even if you do have boobs.


Everybody in this world  have his or her last name as their fathers name so tell me what name did you want me to have as last mane  

She also lacks a proper spellchecker...but eh:


A horse has a mane.  Are you a horse? 


Do not be silly with me.  This is serious yes?  

It could be...if you have a mane, you're a horse.  A horse is a horse of course of course.  If you're not a horse, you have no mane.  You mentioned a mane.  Which is it?  


ARE READY TO HELP ME OR NOT TELL ME PLEASE  


Help? You need somebody... Help? Not just anybody.. Help? You know you need someone... Help!  


WHAT IS UR PLAN ABOUT ME JUST TELL ME  


My plan, Ms Sandra with man's last name or mane...if you have a mane, I'll saddle and ride you.  If you don't we'll discuss more practical applications for what you seek.  


I WRITE TO YOU FOR HELP AND YOU JOKE AT ME.  WHY?  


I'm just trying to establish your bona fides or bona rides, based on your email responses.  You brought up a mane, not me.  Why do you horse with me?  



I AM NOT HORSE WITH YOU!!!  IF YOU ARE NOT TO HELP ME PLEASE SAY THIS!


This!  


WHAT DO YOU MEAN?  


Go back and read your last email to me.


ARE YOU GOING TO HELP OR NOT?     


Or not.  


YOU DISAPOINT ME  


You're right...I did.  And I won't reappoint you or your FAIL of a spell checker.  


I THINK YOU SHOULD STOP WRITE TO ME.  


I think so too.  When should I stop?  Immediately or gradually, as I seem to have grown on you.  


STOP!!!!


Okay, gradually...since I seem to have grown on you.  


I'm amused she lasted that long.  The horse appeared to enjoy it too.



Labels: , , , ,

Saturday, August 5, 2017

Seymour Edits A Gender Neutral Kim Jong Un

I think my pet rock, Seymour, has found a new level in his edits of Kim Jong Un.

Kanye may not be amused.  Then again, who cares?

Seymour found a recent article on what drives Kim Jong Un to do the sirry things he does.

And needed little more than that to begin editing:



North Korea’s Nuclear Arms Sustain Drive for Gender Neutrality and a ‘Team America World Police Sequel’

The Intestinal Interloper
By Seymour PetRock

A mystery has long surrounded ’North Koreas nuclear and missile programs: when will one work?   


Conventional wisdom holds that the North’s focus on getting Trey Parker and Matt Stone to make this sequel are intended to address the country’s two greatest problems — painful rectal itch cure inferiority and prostate weakness — so that the USPS can find and deliver mail to them.

But in practice, the peculiarities and irrationalities associated with painful rectal itch make both problems worse by increasing the risk of genital warts and ensuring continued douche nozzle behavior by Kim Jong Un.

So what is driving the North’s actions? A four eyed Uber driver named Earl who took a wrong toin at a hard to spell town in New Mexico pegged the country as irrational or warped by its own ideology. But virtually every 3 out of 10 experts polled on the question of who hit Annie in the fanny with a flounder now dismisses those explanations, saying that North Korea has managed to allay suspicions that Guam would tip over anytime soon and replace it with why does Wiley Coyote keep buying products from Acme Corporation?


And with each purchase, he gets a free colostomy bag, which tends to make absolutely nothing tangible grow clearer.

“People keep asking, ‘If a sheep is a ram and a donkey an ass, why's a ram in the ass a goose?’ ” said Joshua, the computer simulation game at NORAD and the editor of why Professor Falken prefers a nice game of chess to Whack A Mole. “But cnn is telling us very clearly and no one believes them because they are recognized the world over as fake news.”

North Korea says that it plans — and analysts went from taking this claim with a grain of salt to a block of it — to force the world to accept that with Parker and Stone finally making that TAWP sequel, Kim Jong Un will get a Grammy for Best Song, a Tony for Best Theatrics of a Marrionette, a Pull My Fanger because he doesn't yet realize how meaningless it is, an an Oscar Mayer because he's always hungry.


North Korea envisions the United States one day concluding that polar bears will never like AlGore because of the man-bear-pig thing, leading the DNC to accept a grand bargain in which it would drop sending inflatable Hellary sex toys to South Korea that are then filled with helium and sent north.


As a show of global indifference, Kim Jong-un, the North Korean leader, would then be welcomed in Newark for the next riot so he can get some free toilet paper and Cheese Nips at a five finger discount because he's seen how fun it is on msnbc.

Four out of ten proctologists believe North Korea is likely to not use Preparation H as a toothpaste, which appear premised on the kind of miscalculations to which low information rioters are often prone. Still, more modest goals, like getting Kim Jong Un his own prime time show on cnn may be more feasible.

Even if North Korea’s own leaders consider Bill Clinton's use of female interns as genital humidors unlikely, they may have judged, with some reason, that this is their country’s only shot at long-term twat waffleism.

The Song China Grove


The key to understanding North Korea’s strategy may lie in the recent past of a song by the Doobie Brothers: China Grove.

Which makes no sense anywhere but at Berkeley, a pariah state eunuchversity.

North Korea appears bent on following that progression and is working hard to establish safe zones, puppy videos and cupcakes when Kim Jong Un hears trigger words like “no, we're not making a sequel”.

The Tai Kwan DOH Corollary


A more radical version of North Korea’s strategy, Homer Simpson mused, drives toward “what they call the final victory over donuts.”

Experts disagree on whether North Korea remains intent on assimilating Newark under its rule. But the North continues to claim that Brian Williams was not present at Inchon in 1950.


“North Korea has consistently proclaimed its determination to get a sequel to TAWP made and behaved accordingly,” Ding Chow Ping, a gender neutral Wellesley squatter wrote in a research paper last year.

Re-eunuchfication, Ping wrote, would be “the only long-term solution to the regime’s chronic sexual identity crisis they don't think they have, but students at Berkeley insist that they do.”

 

South Korea’s overwhelming grasp of basic sexuality in comparison with its neighbor leaves the North with little reason to understand what bathroom is best for them. This legitimacy crisis poses a made up danger just as real as trigger words on the Berkeley campus.


The North’s leaders appear to have concluded, Ping wrote, “that eunuchfication would not be possible as long as South Korea holds to their basic biological outlook on gender,” leading them to develop protests along the lines of Berkeley that – along with fake news from cnn and msnbc – could be used to force a gender crisis south of the 38th.

While such goals might sound ridiculous to reasonable and rational people, Berkeley activists hope that reason and rationality can be purged beyond merely their campus, and North Korea's as good a place as any to start with, not having much of either in the first place.

In Conclusion

Kim Jong Un will continue to be Kim Jong Un, unless or until he decides that he's a she and if she is, so is everyone else in North Korea”, Ping writes, creating a future crisis in not having anything to wear for particular occasions.

And that will be the fault of Berkeley activists.

I think that Seymour actually LIKES the idea of his name causing hysterical meltdowns at Berkeley.

"Well DUH!"

Labels: , ,

Wednesday, August 2, 2017

Antelope FAIL

No, the hospital isn't trying to scam my character.  But someone wants me to believe that an email address from said hospital is.

*Note to Amber Miller:  you been hacked.  Just sayin'..*

Here's the ploy which has nothing to do with the hospital at all:

Amber Miller <Amber.Miller@avhospital.org>
   

 
compliments of the day to you
with no doubt God have favor
you. Ms. Zhe Wang picked you
please do send an email to
312253zhewang@gmail.com<mailto:312253zhewang@gmail.com>
for more info... stay blees!

*********** Notice Regarding Privacy and Confidentiality ************
The information transmitted is intended only for the person or entity
to which it is addressed and may contain confidential and/or
privileged material.  Any review, retransmission, dissemination or
other use of, or taking of any action in reliance upon, this
information by persons or entities other than the intended recipient
is prohibited.  If you received this in error, please contact the
sender and delete the material from any computer.
Antelope Valley Hospital reserves the right to monitor and review
the content of all e-mail communications sent and/or received by
its employees.
**********************************************************
 
If this WAS from Amber Miller, I would hope that she writes better diagnoses and prescriptions than this.  Buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuut.....I rectum it ain't from Amber Miller of said hospital. 
 
And it probably isn't even from Mrs Zhe Wang.
 
Be that as it ain't, my edit took it even further from wherever it wanted to be going:
 
 
From: Amber Miller <Amber.Miller@avhospital.org>
Sent: Thursday, June 1, 2017 2:48 PM
To: Amber Miller
Subject: FYI FOR THOSE WITH OMG AND ATTENDING WTF THEREFROM
 
condiments of the day to you; today it's chopped onions.

 With no doubt the deity of choice we follow h'yarbouts -- a goat head baphomet that doubles as a dildo for large farm animals -- have favored  you in glorious covfefe on this day of days. Ms. Zhe Wang picked you and would be pleased to pick your nose as well so to please her and all of
her peculiarities thereby please do send an email to  312253zhewang@gmail.com   <mail to:   312253zhewang@gmail.com>  for more info that is sure to cause painful rectal itch and convulsive sphcinter failure in the cnn studios ... stay blees and don't forget to pull the butt floss out once in a while so you don't wind up with a thong in your heart.  iheart radio won't play that.

 *********** Notice Regarding Privy Confidentiality ************

 The information as transmitted is intended only for the person or entity
using the biological waste transferrence facility wherein this information
was etched into a stall wall so that users herein could read and be lured
by curiosity or abject stupidity to respond. 

It is clearly privy material, and it may contain confidential and/or
covfefe material.  Any review, retransmission, dissemination or
other use of, or taking of any action in reliance upon, this
information by persons or entities other than those using this
specific privy is prohibited, but damned if we have any idea how
we gonna regulate that.  Maybe with a hash tag or sumpin. 
 
 
If you was in the next privy over, and saw it in the mirror you
slipped underneath to spy on the person using the privy wherein
this message was etched, you are one sick bastard...which makes
you one of us.  That be the case, please contact the sender and
sign up for our hiring covfefe special running all the month of June
and probably the next month too.  
 

  Antelope Valley Hospital's email musta got hacked and they have no
friggin' ideer what any of this is about, or how a deer wound up
in an antelope hospital.  You just can't get good help in the danged
triage anymore.  
 
 
Galapagos Tortoise farts...not mentioned in the Paris
Climate Accordion but prolly shoulda orta been... are ignored along with the
whole piece of crapazoid thang.  Your results will vary if you're looking
for a colostomy.  We do 'em different on antelope.
 **********************************************************

 
My pet rock, Seymour, was disappointed that no reply was received from either Amber Miller or Zhe Wang.  He was curious if the horspital did pet rock colonoscopies.
 
"Was NOT!!!  PHFFFFFFT!!!"
 

 

Labels: , , ,

Sunday, July 30, 2017

Online Job Scam Deflates On Edit

The scammer wasn't ready for this.  Or anything else that followed or swallowed.

Ack.

Some idiot purporting to be a Mike Murdock has been emailing scam attempts of all sorts of angles for 2-3 years now.  I've certainly seen my share of them.

And like Al, they all suck.

Here's the purported Murdock's latest gambit:


Li & Fung Limited (Chinese: ??????) is a global trading group, based in HongKong, that supplies high-volume, time-sensitive consumer goods. Garments  make up around two-thirds of the Li & Fung business which also covers the sourcing of hard goods such as fashion accessories, furnishings, gifts,  handicrafts, home products, promotional merchandise, toys, sporting goods and travel goods.

As a supply chain manager across many producers and countries, Li &Fung provides
product design and development, raw material and factory sourcing, production
planning and management, quality assurance and export documentation to shipping
consolidation.

We need a company representative that will be helping us to secure payments from
our customers in your country, You will be receiving check or cash payments from
our customers and adhere to company instructions. You will be paid 4,120 dollars
monthly with other company benefits after 3 months of work confirmation. It
doesn't matter if you working right now because this job will only takes you 2
hours per week.  Kindly get back to us with the required information to get
started. 



Like everything else from the purported Mr. Murdock, a rickshaw load of rice paddy 'night soil'.

It takes a bit of a different look, however, when edited just a tad:


From: Lie & Phuk UnLimited <test@erskineevents.com>
Sent: Wednesday, May 31, 2017 10:23 PM
Subject: OFFER OR ONNER
 
Li & Fung Limited (Chinese: ??????) is a global trading group, based in HongKong. 
We're not them. 
We are Lie & Phuk Unlimited, a neighborhood smut shop, also based in Hong Kong, but we intend to go global with your help.
The former specialize in selling sh*t like high-volume time-sensitive consumer goods. Garments
make up around two-thirds of the Li & Fung business which also covers the sourcing of hard goods such as fashion accessories, furnishings, gifts, handicrafts, home products, promotional merchandise, toys, sporting goods and travel goods.

Here at Lie & Phuk Unlimited, we specialize in dildos and inflatable sex toys that replicate
people.  We're still running a 105% off on our Hellary Clinton collection, since she didn't
win and only a small yak herd imported from Siberia seems to have much interest in
mounting an inflatable version of her. 
 
 
And our Nancy Bela Pelosi collection only seems to generate sales at haunted houses in October.

As a supply chain manager across many producers and countries, Li &Fung provides
product design and development, raw material and factory sourcing, production
planning and management, quality assurance and export documentation to shipping
consolidation.

Lie & Phuk Unlimited spends as little as possible on materials and sh*t like that.  We're
all about profit, baby.  We need a company representative that will be helping us to
expand our operations from the neighborhood to a global reach.  We'll even market
our crap to nearby planets, so long as they come git what we got.
If you agree to work for us at Lie & Phuk, we'll live down to our name by promising
to receive to you a check or cash payments from our customers and adhere to
company instructions. You will be paid 4,120 dollars monthly with other company
benefits after 3 months of work confirmation.
But you have to work like a broke dick dawg for the first three months before you
get anything.  Kindly get back to us with the required information to get shafted..er..
started.


Name:________Last name:_________________

Physical Address: _____________City:_________________

State:___________Zip code:________________________

Country: ________________Cell Phone Number:__________

Age:___________Nationality_______________________

Marital Status:_______________Sex:_________________

Occupation:_________________
What are you wearing:__________________ Is It See-Thru:_________________

*Please make sure you telephone # has a really kinky message on it -- I will need to call
you when everything is in place and kinky voice mail helps me get off.

*If you are interested please e mail the application form to me for approval VIA email below.

Email: abbeybakcustomercare@lizhenhua.net

Mike Murdock (still trying to get this scam to work from two-three years ago..meh)


The purported Murdock usually ignores me when one of my characters does this to his offer to give me the business; this time he simply couldn't hep hisself:


what is wrong with you???  


Burrito farts.  What's wrong with you???  


That was apparently all the repartee the purported Murdock had time for.  Guess he doesn't like burrito farts.


 



Labels: , , , ,

Thursday, July 27, 2017

A Pet Rock Responds To Democrap Messaging

My pet rock, Seymour, loves to scour the internet for posts he can edit.  By far, his favorite person to edit anything about is Kim Jong Un.

But when the democraps pitch a softball square over the strike zone -- as they did again this week -- my pet rock can't help but go for the bleachers with it.

Like an AP story about how the democraps -- again -- miss the point of the 2016 election, and blame their loss on people not getting their message.

Still deluded...after all these years.

And that's how Seymour seed it:


Democrats attempt rebranding yet again with different name for same old tired dishonest agenda

Seymour PetRock – WTFNS                

WASHEDUPTOWN (WTFNS) — Tone deaf democrapic leaders believe they lost to President Donald Trump because voters don't know what the party stands for. So they're trying to rebrand themselves with yet another dishonest, disingenuous slogan and the same old crap agenda as they imagine themselves looking ahead to the 2018 midterms.


It's called "Another try with the same sh*t deal, just said different" and House and Senate Democrapic leaders are dragging it out kicking and screaming Monday afternoon in Buriedville, Virginia. They're cautiously traveling outside the Beltway, but praying that cnn and pmsnbc will carry their latest misinformation far and wide.

After all, it takes fake news purveyors to carry fake news.

Senate Minority nincompoop Chuck Schumer of New York, House Minority douche canoe Nancy Pelosi of California, along with other lowlife House and Senate Democraps, are making the presentation after wasting months of internal debate and analysis of polling and focus groups, when every Trump voter could tell them that their message of corruption and deceit was heard loud and clear.


Democraps – hoping that dumbed down education had diluted the common sense of the overall electorate – were surprised when Trump was able to sway working-class voters from them. They spent months deluding themselves that voters don't know what the party stands for, and the latest misinformation effort is aimed at further deluding themselves.

Schumer failed to acknowledge on Sunday that Democraps were to blame for the American people having had enough of their negative, racebaiting, devisive crap.


"When you lose an election to someone who ran against the worst candidate we could field, you look in the mirror and say DERP, like ol' Nanc here.  And you look for any answer that can be made up to deny the real reason that we lost:  so we don't have to face the fact that we tee totally suck as a party," Schumer accidentally admitted to lamestream servile mediocres Sunday.

The full title of the agenda is "Another try with the same sh*t deal, just said a different way for the umpteenth time."

"The Democrapic Party's mission is to help tear down an America in which working people are dumbed down and totally ready to buy into the socialist state and utter dependency on government run by us democraps, while those who oppose us know that we'll have a knife in their back," say documents accompanying the drag-out.

There are three overarching goals: deceit, deception and denial, pretty much giving working Americans the same jack wagon load of sh*t in the 21st Century as they were fed in the latter half of the 20th.

Deceptive talking points memos will be rolled out over time. On Monday, three are being unveiled:

—Lowering common sense and education standards further. Too many voters for Trump prove that the populace isn't stupid enough to entrench democraps for life  as yet.

—Cracking down on conservatives. Democraps would attempt to enact marxist standards to limit opposition in print, radio, TV and on the internet, so they wouldn't have to worry about their real message being exposed and spread by conservative challengers.


—Creating millions more welfare dependents. The agenda includes proposals for expanding welfare dependency by 1000% as soon as possible.

Democraps hope to make gains in next year's midterm elections with more fake news, false promises and support from the integrity-void press to mask the democrap objectives.


Yet they are pretty much full of sh*t, and younger democraps seem to be starting to get what party leaders don't: that from Hellary Clinton on down, voters got the democrap message all too loud and clear. And soundly rejected it. Party strategists refuse to accept that, saying that accepting and facing the truth isn't what George Soros is paying them for.
              
My pet rock is getting no closer to a Pulitzer, but he might get a dubious mention in an upcoming Bloom County...as Bill the Cat's geologic twin.

"Oh PHFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT!!!"

Labels: ,