Wednesday, April 23, 2014

A Pet Rock Gone Editing Wild

This is Seymour and 'Jane', watching soccer at the Moooo! Bar on Shiriashi Island, Japan, in '07.

Seymour doesn't really like soccer, but he lurves photo ops.

And now, he likes the idea that he might be able to wangle his way into a "Pet Rocks Gone Wild" edition of Geology Today.

Where he got the idea that there is such an edition, I'll never know.

Meantime, he's still wreaking havoc on scammers.  Like a recent one, Emma Whozeewhatzits, employing a long overused scam about her late husband and her being without kids, and she has cancer, and she has millions to give Seymour to invest for orphanages, etc.

Seymour's *TOING* was so loud, I thought he'd suffered a fault line.

"Did NOT!!!"

I guess that'd be the equivalent of a wrinkle for a pet rock.

"PHHFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT!"

At any rate, see what Seymour the "gone editing wild" pet rock did to Emma's email:


Dearest in Crisco,

Imma Sister Joy Emma.. from KUWAIT a minute!  Imma Chief of the tribal order of Kamson Emma Lollypop Guild, ensconced in the bucolic jungles of the Ivory Soap Coast, modeled after Detroit the past few years. As a Sister of the Hashish Odor Of The Perpetually High, I worked with KUWAIT embassy in Ivory Coast for nine years before my virginity died in the year 2012 during a "Camels Gone Wild" video filming for A&E.  The filming lasted for only four days, but my fermented 80 proof camel pee moonshine left me with no memory of those days. The one that disturbs me most is what I might have done on that video that will embarrass my herd of camels.


The goats might be affected, too.

Nobody will ever come or breathe hard in my direction because whatever happened at that time cause my genital to become ingrown.  

However, I hear of this spellcaster fellow of dubious antecedence and no particular genitals of his own, Dr. Shakes Spear, and I am of one think that he has what I needs to get right all over agains.  Thus it is herein that I write to you and antisyrupate you will be of a mind to help me yes?  I will like you send to me:

A bucket full of bat guano
An ounce of antimony
Throw in an ounce of unclemony if you find him
A piece of lamp broken by Hillary Clinton
A scraping of hair grease from Debbie Wasserpuss-Schultz
Spit of Toure (don't get any on you)A brain cell of Harry Reid (I am gived to understood that there are only two that work)
A picture of Nancy Pelosi laughing like a hyena
A copy of your obozodoesn'tcare insurance ID card

Having all these things in my possessed, I can make a spell that will cure me of sour cream.  

The yea good book of Phlanthropus Butt Polyp teaches us that in all things, ear wax doesn't manifest.
I'm sure it means something profound.  I just haven't met a pro who's found it as yet.
This -- and a free travel voucher plus cost-free accommodations -- is why I am taking this decision. I am not afraid of an ingrown genital because I know where I am going and it's no place of genitalities. I know that I am going to be in the bosom of hairy, repugnant devil guppy named Chris Matthews. Opus to Armpits 14.1.1.0 tells us of leftist inclination that we are all butt polyps of one big asshole, which explains our being upset with the world all the time.  
I dont need any telephone communication in this regard because I have ear mites Whoever that Wants to serve themselves must serve the soup first. Hoping to receive your reply.

Yours in Crisco,
Sister Imma Joy Emma. 
 
"Sister" Joy Emma hasn't responded to Seymour's editing.  She may not be in the habit of having a pet rock gone wild, editing her scam email.  And I'll leave it to you readers to see what Seymour just did there...

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Sunday, April 20, 2014

Job Opening In Scamland

Wanted:  Someone who can proofread our email scams before we send them out.  Pay and benefits competitive at least in our neck of the woods.  We'd ask you to send a resume, but no one here can read it.

Which is what they might as well post for one internet café scam operation.

Here's the email I got that had me shaking my head:


On Wednesday, April 9, 2014 7:13 AM, Susanna lennar <silvio.giacchetta@alice.it> wrote:
THIS IS TO REMIND YOU THAT OUR ON GOING MASS DELIVERY WILL COME TO AN END ON 18TH APRIL 2014 AND WE WISH TO DELIVER ALL THE OLD DEPOSIT PACKAGES, TAKE NOTE THAT YOUR {consignment box} OF $7.5 USD WITH REG XQD7819-SC IS HERE FOR VERY LONG TIME NOW, THIS OFFICE HAS BEEN MANDATED FOR URGENT MASS DELIVERY AND YOU COULD BE AMONG THE LUCKY ONES WITH JUST $55.00 FEE, URGENTLY CONTACT THE MASS DELIVERY DIRECTOR WITH YOUR MASS DELIVERY PAYMENT INFORMATION.  
 
Do you see what they just did there?  They want me to send them $55 in return for a consignment box containing $7.5 USD.
 
Apparently Common Core math is flourishing in Scamland.
 
Instead of playing, I just decided to question their email math:
 
Why would I send you $55 USD for a box you said only contains $7.50 USD?  Here's another question for you while I'm at it:  are you morons by birth or choice? 

The incredible answer back is one for the books:

AMONT IS NOT  $7.5  WE CHOOSE HERE.  NOW IF YOU WANT YOUR CONSIGN BOX, HERE IS THE RECEIVER INFO

Receiver Name EMMA IWUNO
Country.:Benin Republic
City..:Cotonou
Question.: WHEN?
Answer.: TODAY
Amount......$55.00usd
MTCN: 


Ah, thanks for clearing that up so concisely.  The consignment isn't for $7.5 and you are morons by choice.  Fine.  So my first question still stands:  why would I send $55 for $7.5 USD, which is what you wrote and failed to correct with what it is?  

ARE YOU WANT CONSIGN BOX OR NOT PLEASE.

Not please.  But I will suggest that you run a want ad for a proofreader to both read what you receive, reply to and how you do so.  

YOU MUST SEND FEE FOR CONSIGN BOX SOONEST.  TIME UP IN APRIL 18. 

There you go again, more negative syntax.  Have a little proofreading, baby, have a little proofreading.  And you STILL haven't answered why I should send you $55 in return for $7.5? 

IT NOT $7.5!!!!!  (and the scammer went on to repeat the wiring information).

Okay fine...let's go another more usual route:

Fine.  The $55 is sent for whatever it is I'm getting in return. 

IF YOU SEND I NEED THE IMFORMATIONS I TELL YOU.


And what imformations were those?  


Receiver Name EMMA IWUNO
Country.:Benin Republic
City..:Cotonou
Question.: WHEN?
Answer.: TODAY
Amount......$55.00usd
MTCN: 
 


Yes, I used that imformations.  Just like you writ it. 


WHERE IS MTCN? 


The first two are abbreviation for Montana; the second two, maybe Connecticut, both in the USA.   What good will those do you?  


NO I NEED THE NUMBERS.  


Numbers run 0-9 and to infinity.  Take your choice since you choose.


WHAT ARE NUMBERS OF MTCN?  

Let's take him back to states again:


If it's area codes you want, you can choose to look those up yourself.  However, Connecticut uses 203, 475, 860 and 959.  Montana only uses 406.   Montana isn't greedy like Connecticut.


Stupid and frustrated makes an amusing combination:


WHAT IS THE NUMBERS OF MTCH?  IT IS 10 NUMBER PLEASE. 

You recall that I told him he needs a proofreader:

Who is Mitch and what numbers of his do you need?  

All I got back after that was a blank email response.  To which I replied See, if you had listened to me and hired yourself a proofreader, you wouldn't be asking for numbers for two states or a Mitch person you've probably never met.  

And nothing more after that.  Maybe they're working on hiring a proofreader.  Or figured out what it is they choosed to be...
 

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Thursday, April 17, 2014

Seymour On A Climate Roll

My pet rock loves science.

Though he still thinks that carbon dating is his ticket to getting laid.

"Do NOT!!!"

At any rate, he came across another of those articles from the UN that insists on making climate change wholly the fault of humans, and offering drastic measures to curtail it, at the cost of most industrial nations' economies.

Which the Left fully supports, until their low-information selves figure out just what it'll mean to their drum circles and ipads.

Leave it to Seymour to get his hands on a copy of the leaked UN report about climate that is coming shortly out of Berlin, Germany, and to put his own geologic interpretation to it:

The UN Continues To Make Up Global Warming Hysteria

BERLIN (SAP) — After concluding -- despite scientific facts to the contrary -- that global warming almost certainly is man-made and poses a grave threat to humanity, the U.N.-arranged-and-paid-to-say-so amateur panel on climate change is moving on to the next phase: how to sell the lie.

The I'm Paid To Say This Climate Sh**, or IPTSTCS, will meet next week in Berlin to chart ways in which the world will be told how to live.

It ignored what the fraud will cost thriving industrial nations, and how the negative impact on them will further impoverish undeveloped nations, since they weren't getting paid to tell the truth.

In the third attempt to sell the fraud of AGW to further enrich AlGore and his worthless pond scum, the IPTSTCS is expected to say a douche wagonload of crap that has already been disproved time after time, in the theory that if they keep saying it, the American leftist lamestream servile mediocres will seize upon it and try to sell it like the obozodoesn'tcare fiasco.

"Underlying this report is a lot of made-up lies and fraudulent analysis of the problem and how we intend to enrich the renewable energy sector – which, of course, all of us are invested in," said Jake Schmuck, international climate fraud director at the National Disingenuousness Council, a Washington-based collection of drum circle environmental wacktoids. "And there will also be some discussions of how to silence the skeptics that keep us from becoming filthy rich on this renewable scam we're running."

A leaked draft of the report sent to governments in December suggests that in order to keep the climate fraudsters in business, they need to cripple the economies of the West at least 40-70 percent by 2050.

Proven and affordable energy would have to be stamped out, and unaffordable, far costlier crap that breaks individuals and businesses to attempt to afford would have to be forced on people to the tune of, at the very least, $1.47 trillion annually according to the draft.

That message is likely to face opposition, facts, reason and logic from the fossil fuel industry and countries that depend on it.

Earlier this week, one oil company said the IPTSTCS's climate fraud is "full of crap" and won't stop it from selling fossil fuels far into the future.

That contrasted with a message from U.N. climate fraudette Christiana “It” Figueres, who after sleeping with all the top UN climate change staff, told oil and gas industry officials in London on Thursday that three-quarters of the fossil fuel reserves still in the ground needs to stay there for the UN members to realize a 10-25% profit on the fraud they're trying to sell.

"We will seek to arrest and imprison you if you try to stop us from making the kind of insane profits our harebrained scheme is projected to make us," Figueres said, thinking her microphone was off.

The alternative plan to mitigate climate change would involve coming up with new ways to scrub methane out of the DNC and leftists. And that would be counterproductive to what the left wants to accomplish at the expense of everyone else.

Stupid leftist environwhacktoid ideas being touted as geoengineering have floated ideas like dropping tons of iron into the ocean to make carbon-munching algae bloom while killing all the fish, or putting a giant umbrella – with a picture of AlGore on it -- in space to shield us from prying eyes in a nearby galaxy.

Many real scientists consider the whole UN scheme a jackwagonload of leftist hooey.

Of course, the Leftists in the UN want opponents stifled by any and all means. “Truth is anathema to the Earth” one environwhacktoid shouted, drawing “what a doo-doo head” looks from a visiting second grade class from rural Iowa.

The two previous reports in the IPTSTCS's first incomprehensible myth of climate since 2007 said it's 95-percent certain that reasoned, rational people won't buy this sh** unless the Left takes over running all the nations, and forces these changes down peoples' throats.

The latest report also focuses on how well the Obozo regime campaign against cow farts goes; where goes that, so might go their own report.

Another controversial part of the report is the one dealing with who should pay for efforts to curb climate change. The UN says the USA should pay for it all. There are still too many rational, legal voters in the USA to let Obozo simply sign off on that option, particularly since it'd cut into his taxpayer-funded vacations starting in 2015.

The IPTSTCS, which is a made-up body of drum circlers, tree huggers and other screwballs who think earning a living is passe, is attempting to be wholly political in this fraud scheme of theirs, and insist that for their scheme to work and enrich them at the cost of everyone else, it will be necessary to somehow engineer financial transfers "in the order of hundreds of billions of dollars per year before mid-century."

"The main bone of contention will be how we can sell this sh** before a significant part of the world wakes up to the fraud and throws us into a pit of crocodiles" said Schmuck, of the National Disingenuousness Council. "We need to move on this now while we have some measure of power to force others to bend to our will." 

Of course, Seymour realizes that lowlifes like AlGore will brand Seymour a 'climate change denier'.

"That and 50 cents means what?"

Exactly, my astute pet rock.

"I did NOT just fart!!!"

Seymour, that's not what 'astute' means.

"Oh..."

Seymour's peerless on geology.  Just don't test him on grammar.

"PHFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFTTTTT!" 

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Monday, April 14, 2014

Seymour The Sexist Pet Rock

Yes, after this one, Seymour will be branded a sexist.

"Am NOT!!!"

But of course you are, Seymour; you're dissing the leading witch of the Left.

"What difference does it make now?"

None to the Left, Seymour.

"Phfffffffffffffffffffffffffft to the Left!"

You're learning, Seymour.

At any rate, Seymour saw a recent story touting HRC as a women's champion and leading candidate for president in 2016.

Assuming there's anything left to pillage after obozo's done gutting what's left of the office.

And Seymour -- the politically incorrect, fearless pet rock -- couldn't resist another of his unpatented edits, as readers will now see:

Hillary Clinton Talks Lies And Taking Over in 2016
By The Lamestream Servile Self-Wetting Leftist Mediocres


Leftist double standards in politics and media, advice for low information women like Sandra Fluke -- like whether battery-operated dildos are better than cucumbers -- and whether or not Hillary Clinton will try to complete the ruin to the USA begun by Barry Obozo by running for president in 2016 all sound like pretty typical topics for a leftist women's conference.

And it was no difference here, in New York, as a lamestream servile mediocre interviewed Clinton and a French lefty about how the Left hopes to fool the voters long enough to complete the ruin of the USA.

When asked whether female politicians experience public life differently than men, Clinton made up a story like her “under fire in Bosnia, Serbia, wherever-the-hellnia” one, and like the one she made up about trying to join the USMC – like a flaming feminazi leftist would ever have honestly tried that. Indeed, Clinton grew more audibly flatulent and full of crap as she went on, even uttering “what difference does it make now?” which she made infamous after Benghazi, before she went into her “I don't recall” mode that she's used to cover up her lies so often.



When asked about the leftist double standard on the “war on women”, Clinton smirked and responded “despite the setback that the silly trollop Sandra Fluke caused us, the fact remains that as long as we have our servile media covering us for this 'war on women' sham that the conservatives really aren't waging, we can pretty much lie about that and anything else we want. We know we have to lie to get and consolidate power in the USA, and once we have it, to parrot the words of Joseph Goebbels, “we'll never give it up”. We will use the Constitution to wipe our asses, and make a country based on the proletariat like that of the old Soviet Union, except in this case I get to be Joseph Stalin”. 

 


The French lefty added, “During board meetings with gray suits, when I speak about getting the same freebies for European women that the slut Fluke demanded – and may I say, what a dog she is – I see them wince. They know who controls 80% of the money and 100% of the pussy”

The women also had advice for budding feminazis battling conservatives like Ann Coulter and Sarah Palin. “It's all in how we have our servile mediocres portray them, over and over and over. Make them the dumbed down, ignorant idiots that we ourselves have been creating with the cancerous educational substandards we've created like Commie Core – I know you mediocres know to sanitize that so I can deny having called it that – and we'll eventually sweep them aside.  Women like Debbie Wasserputz Schlitz will be the new face of feminist America”. 

 

The French lefty was equally as blunt: “You know Pajama Boy in the Obamacare ad? That's my totally servile husband. The left raises their men to be servile, simpering “Yes Ma'am” types. Chivalry is to be crushed like a bug, and replaced with totally subjugated men, run by the women. This is something I taught my sons. Well one of them...the other I convinced to have a sex change so 'she' can be stronger.

And, of course, the question of the evening — will Clinton run for president in 2016? — could not go unasked. “Secretary, is there any job you would be interested in?” Friedperson asked.

As the crowd silenced to a single cricket chirp, Clinton answered, “You'd better do better than that! I'll have the NSA and IRS at my fingertips, and I won't be afraid to abuse either!”




That got a couple of feeble claps around the room.

Yeah, Seymour, the left will be warming up for you on this one.

"PHFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT!!!!!!!!!!"

You heard from the pet rock here first   ;-)

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Thursday, April 10, 2014

Another Pet Rock Edit

My pet rock, Seymour, takes offense when he reads that the current ePa -- using flawed science and statistics for personal gain by such losers as AlGore -- claims to know what the world needs.

Seymour suggests the world needs an end to the ePa.

Well, at least an ePa run by such a corrupt regime as we currently have.

Seymour came across the story that the Oblahblah regime -- yes, that's what my pet rock calls them these days -- what with all the problems domestically and in the world today, was going to target cow farts for reduction.

That set off a *TOING* for Seymour that called for his editing skills in parodious response:


Oblahblah's ePa Takes On Cow Farts To Avoid Harder Targets

As part of its plan to distract and cover up their stumbling and fumbling in ruining the government since '09, the Oblahblah regime is targeting the dairy industry to further reduce their credibility in the world.

This comes despite falling methane emission levels across the economy since 1990 and continual evidence of gross incompetence throughout the Oblahblah regime.

Morons in the Oblahblah regime propose cutting methane emissions from the dairy industry by 25 percent by 2020, a discredited cbs TV show. Although U.S. agriculture only accounts for about 9 percent of the ePa's made up statistics on greenhouse gas emissions, the ePa needs to go after a soft target, because taking on the real emission problems – the BS out of the Oblahblah regime – would get them branded as 'racist'.

“Cows emit a massive amount of methane through belching, with a lesser amount through flatulence,” according to Jay Carney, an expert on the subject of flatulence. “Statistics vary regarding how much methane the average dairy cow expels. Some experts say 100 liters to 200 liters a day… while others say it’s up to 500 liters… a day. In any case, that’s a lot of methane, though not as much as the DNC generates on a daily basis.”

Carney demanded that lamestream servile mediocre outlets scrub that last sentence from their talking points, which pmsnbc and cnn practically wet themselves to do immediately.

“Of all domestic types including undocumented democrats, beef and dairy cattle were by far the largest and easiest targets to go after since they can't vote”, noted the DNC before sanitizing the statement for release to the lamestream servile mediocres..

Granted, the Oblahblah regime would like others to believe that they're going after cow flatulence with the same sense of urgency that they're claiming to have on the US economy, their staggeringly inept hellthscare, and world problems like how to prevent the Russians from threatening Uranus.

Environmentalists have been pushing the Oblahblah regime to crack down on methane emissions for some time, until they realized how much methane was generated by the DNC and Oblahblah regime alone. That's when they began urging Oblahblah's ePa to go after cow farts, instead.

“Oblahblah's plan to reduce his credibility is an important step in making George W. Bush blameable for everything wrong today” Deborah Nardone, drivel director for the Sierra Club’s Keeping Dirty Leftist Lies Alive campaign. “However, even with the most rigorously dishonest controls and stifling of critics in place, we will still fall short of what is needed to fight the truth if we do not reduce the number of conservatives in government.”

“The ePa has been on a witch hunt against the American economy and American people all this time” said an anonymous source within the RNC. “All too often we see the Agency using flawed science for political purposes, but this witch hunt has had some of the biggest witches in history – Hillary, Pelosi, Feinstein, Jackson-Lee, et al – right under their noses with not one spell reversed”.  
 
 
Reaction to that last part of the edit was sought from the office of the former flotus and suckretary of state, with only this in response:

Truth hurts, eh Hill?

 

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Monday, April 7, 2014

Seymour Finds One To Screw With

Seymour hates scammer emails with documents you can't screw with.

So when I showed him one I'd received in my non-scamming email account -- and that he could screw with it to his heart's content -- I had me a gleeful pet rock indeed.

And Seymour wasted no time in beginning the screwing widdit.

The following is what was received before my pet rock was unleashed in edit mode:


Supplementary wage in a short time!
In our company you can get without any problem minimum 1000.00 USD per week. This occupation takes only 8 days a month of your time. This is a part time employment and you can combine it with your current employment! After completing each task your reward will be from 400.00 USD to 1600.00 USD.
This is how everything will be done:
  1. You receive a bank transfer from our company in the amount of at least 2000.00 USD.
  2. After the transfer is credited by your bank, it is necessary to withdraw cash.
  3. Your profit is 20% of the transferred amount - up to 1600.00 USD, it is for you!
  4. You transfer to our representative 80% of the money left.
  5. Our accounting service will confirm a time suitable for you to get and process next transfer.
We offer this job just for US residents! The principle of this work is approved through the kind offices of US lawyers and corresponds exactly to the letter of the law. Our company can make many bank transfers of different amount, everything depends on your desire!
Please reply to this e-mail. We will get back to you right away and answer to any of your questions.

Be quick! Vacancies are limited! 
 
Now here's what Seymour dun with their email...
 
Seymour figured out how to interject into this scammer's email, and now he's screwing with their intended screwing of us...hooha!!!
A Scam Suppository masquerading as a job offer!
In our company you can get without any problem buttboinked for whatever we can buttboink you out of!!!  This sodomous process  takes only 1 time to work in our favor. This is a one time shot on our part and you need to be the stupidest person on Earth to buy into it for us to get paid! After completing one task you'll have nothing and we'll have what you wired us!!!
This is how everything will be done:
  1. You give us your bank informations so we can empty your account.
  2. After we've transferred out of your account all we can, YOU HAS NOTHING LEFT!!!
  3. Your profit is 00% of the transferred amount - ours is 100% of the transferred amount!
  4. You throw a major fit and make all kind of email threats to sue us.
  5. Our accounting service will laugh our ass off at you.
We offer this sodomous buttboinking just for US residents! The principle of this work is approved and recommended by fly-infested Nigerian internet cafes all over Nigeria!  Our company can make many bank transfers of different amount, everything depends on your gullibility!  Please reply to this e-mail. We will get back to you right away and answer to any of your questions.  Email FuhjyoxworthysMayme@outlook.com soonest!

Be quick! Vacancies are limitless 'cuz they change so much!  
 
Seymour is pleased with himself, while I will have to put up with any responses from the scammers... 

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Friday, April 4, 2014

Seymour Weighs In On The Latest In News Edits

My pet rock Seymour considers himself widely creative.  Which is why he recently read of yet another tiff between North and South Korea that apparently required Seymour to weigh in on.

Seymour figures that he can't do any worse than Dennis Rodman.

Good point.

But...Seymour's idea of editing is dubious at best.

"Is NOT!!!"

We'll let the readers decide that, Seymour:


North And South Korea Shell Each Others' Fish

SEOUL, South Korea (SAP) — North and South Korea fired hundreds of artillery shells into each other's waters Monday in a flare-up of animosity that forced fish on both sides of the aquatic 38th Parallel to evacuate to shelters for several hours, South Korean officials said.

Illustration 1: Kim Jong Un and a collection of his semiconductors

The exchange of fire into the Yellow Sea followed Pyongyang's sudden announcement that it would conduct fish killing drills in seven areas north of the Koreas' disputed maritime boundary. North Korea routinely test-fires artillery and missiles into the ocean but rarely hits what they aimed at. The announcement was seen as an expression of Pyongyang's frustration at making little progress in its recent push to win more free hand outs for it's overfed leader.

North Korea fired 500 rounds of artillery shells over more than three hours, about 100 of which fell south of the sea boundary, Greenpeace spokesman Ida Scusted said, getting her and their boat wet. South Korea responded by firing 300 shells into North Korean waters, he said, killing and traumatizing innocent 'sea kittens'.

No shells from either side were fired at any land or military installations, but in addition to Greenpeace a spokesman for Red Lobster called the act on both sides an “unconscionable act to shell fish”. Like the American fauxtus at a recent speech, he waited for applause and only heard crickets.

There was only this from North Korean leader Kim Jong Un: “When I get my own Team America Worrd Porice movie rike my father?”

Illustration 2: Rike father rike son, Kim Jong Un wants his own "Team America Worrd Porice" movie

In Washington, White House spokesman Jay ConCarnage called the North Korean leader's request "dangerous and provocative" and said it would further aggravate Parker and Stone into making fun of obozo and his pathetic regime.

Monday's exchange was relatively mild in the history of animosity, violence and fish soup between the Koreas, but there is worry in Seoul that an increasingly dissatisfied North Korea could launch an all out attack on the Yellow Sea fish south of the aquatic 38th Parallel. Or worse, that Kim Jong Un will starve more dogs in preparation for further winnowing down of his famiry tree.  "Even the dogs don't deserve that" said a South Korean unofficial.

The poorly marked western sea boundary has been the scene of several bloody fish kills between the Koreas in recent years.

Recent weeks have seen an increase in threatening rhetoric and a series of North Korean rocket and ballistic missile launches considered tantrums by Pyongyang against a refusal by South Park's Trey Parker and Matt Stone to make another Team America Worrd Porice movie with Kim Jong Un featured as the virrian.

"The boneheads appear to have completely forgotten the fact that my father fed Hans Brix to a shark, and I have rots of starving dogs to feed”, Un whined to the North's official Korean Central News Agency.

Seymour's editing -- he believes -- will one day net him a Pulitzer.

I'm still betting on it being more of a "Pull My Fanger".

"Will NOT!!!!"

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Sunday, March 30, 2014

Asked 'n Answered...Sorta

Sometimes, an online scammer isn't so much a scammer; he's just an online mooch.

Take for example George Kokou Brown of wherever he is.  Here is the very simple series of exchanges we've had over him wanting money from me:

On Wednesday, February 19, 2014 4:19 AM, George Brown Kokou
> <
georgebrownkokou@gmail.com> wrote:
>
> I saw your post on guestbook, i decided to contact you Via your mail.
> I want to know if you will be of any assistant to me financially no
> matter how small it is. Thanks and remain blessed



Well, how small is it?  We can negotiate. 


Thanks for your mail. I will be pleading to ask you to assist me with
any amount from your heart. I am  a poor barrister with a very low
income. I have no any amount to ask you of because I never give you
money any money or given you your wealth. You will never go down, you
will always be blessed, you shall eat the fruit of your labour, and
your pocket shall never dry. Please no matter any help you can assist
me with I will really appreciate and will always remain greatful to
you. Thanks so much and kind gesture to me 



Fine, George.  What is it you wish my assistance with? 


I wish to know if you can send me some money here even thou is 200$ or
anything from your mind to help my family 



So what did I do?  I sent him two of the 'Seymour $100 bills' along with I can send you some money.  You'll find it attached. 

George doesn't necessarily get that he's not going to get real money, but he thinks an established dialogue is a start:

Dear Ben,
Please use this information below to send me money through western
unionif you are serious ok?

Receievers name; George Brown
Country ... Lome Togo 


I repeat my previous email with this added: I am serious, George.  Print the attached and you are better off.   BTW George, a job would be of equal if not more help to you. 

I dont understand what you mean.  if I print this I get arrested? 

Oh hell, the North Koreans do it all the time and no one arrests them except their own leader.  Their a Third World country.  You're a Third World country.  It all works the same.  

I don't understand what you mean. 

He doesn't understand much...

That's okay, George. I've had three concussions and don't understand what I mean half the time either.  What were we discussing? 

I am asking to know if you can help me with any amount of money so i
can help my family out 


Sure.  What kind of money?  

Thanks for your mail , if you canhelpme with a 500$ or less will appreciate


What currency do you wish? 


What is this you ask please? 


Truly Third World...what KIND of money do you want?  West African francs?  Saddam Hussein era Iraqi dinars?  Monopoly money? 


usa dollar is fine.


So I send him a 'usa dollar' in email...


please I tell you how send me money western union.  I tell you again it is
reeievers name; George Kokou
Country ... Lome Togo


Okay, so he's changing his name around...let's dig for more:


George, what kind of a bannister are you?  What kind of law do you practice poorly? 


are you send me money please?  any amount please. 


Answer my question please and we'll see. 


please just send me money in dollar, pound or euros.  this is all I ask. 


Okay, I get that euro prefer pounds of dollars.  I'll get on that for you.  


 God will forever bless your pocket of wanting to help me out. 


My pocket could have used His blessing at tax time, but I digress.  BTW...that's an acronym for 'by the way'...just for the record, what kind of bannister are you again?  Inquiring minds want to know. 


Thanks for your mail . I am a legal consultant here in my country Lome
Togo. The salary been paid to me here as a barrister is a low income
that is not even enough to feed myself, my wife and my 6children. So
my good brother I will be greatful for you if you can help meas you
said.

This is my details information that you will use to send me any amount
you want from your mind through western union or money gram

Recievers Name.......George Brown
Country ...................... Lome Togo
Question................ Colour
Answer....................Blue
MTCN

So once you send the money, please scan the payment slip for me ok?

thanks
Regards,
george
+228 92865729 



Thanks for the explanation.  Now to work on that pounds of dollars.  And I'll be happy to forward you a Western Union receipt. 

...since I have a number of them in my scambaiting files  ;-)  Meantime, George shows his anticipation:


Today at 3:12 AM
Ok i will be waiting for the scan copy of the receipt of the money
once you send me. Thanks 
 
 
And here's the scan copy, in the size I sent it to him:
 
Which of course enlarged looks like digitized gibberish.  And George is quick to point this out:
 
 
I cant read copy you send.  Can you resend please?
 
 
Sure, I can resend.  Why can't you read it?
 
 
you send it too small for me. 
 
Funny...it left here the size of a standard Western Union receipt.  Must be the filters you're using there.  I'll send it again. 
 
And of course it's the same size:
 
I still cant read it.  just tell me the information on it please.
 
It's a Western Union receipt for $499 dollars sent to you from me. 
 
I need the mtcn numbers on it. 
 
Yes, they're on it. 
 
what are the numbers please?  I cant read them. 
 
They're the standard numbers consisting of 0-9.  You can't read those? 
 
the numbers on the paper you send me I cant read.  Please what are they? 
 
They're the numbers 0-9 on the receipt, just as you told me to send you.  Would you prefer Roman numerals?
 
I dont know what you mean...please send me the numbers. 
 
 
Well, Roman numerals are like this:  I, II, III, IV, V, VI, VII, VIII, IX, X...do those help you?
 
no no dont send me the letters you send send me the numbers. 
 
 
Oh, okay...0, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9. 
 
 
is those the numbers of the mtcn? 
 
 
I don't know about that, but the numbers on the receipt look like the ones I sent you.
 
A day later, I get this:
 
 
please this is no joke matter.  I go to western union they say there is not money on those numbers.  what is numbers please?  
 
 
It's the numbers I send you.  There are lots of combinations that can be made with the numbers -- an infinite number, to be exact -- but there are only ten of them in the mtcn.  You have them all.  
 
PLEASE TELL ME WHICH NUMBERS ARE THE MTCN???  (the old 'capital letters means he's pissed' ploy).
 
No need to shout.  The mtcn has all the numbers I gave you.  Well, it uses ten numbers individually, and any number of combinations from the numbers I sent you can make it up.  Are you familiar with the Rubix Cube? 
 
 
what is this you say?  I need the numbers please.  just the numbers on the mtcn.  
 
 
Well, since you ask...a Rubix Cube is a square with individual squares of a number of different colors.  By manually moving the blocks around the axis of the cube, you make all the same colors on the same side of each side.  When you do that, you have solved the Rubix Cube.  The mtcn can be imagined in a similar way:  you use the ten numbers I sent you, and you keep trying them in all sorts of order, until you find the matching one for the mtcn.  I thought that you should have to work for your money, which is what I suggested before.  Now you can.  I'm sure Western Union will be patient with you.
 
 
A couple days go by, and finally I get this from George:
 
 
god will not bless joke.  I curse you and the cube you make joke with.   
 
 
Have it your way, George, but you contacted me, remember?  I was just trying to help in my own peculiar way.  Let me know when you've solved the puzzle and collected the money.  Consider it like hunting Easter eggs, with an infinite field that they're hid in. 
 
 
I don't expect to be hearing that George Brown Kokou solved the puzzle anytime in the next century or so.  But it's a momentary amusement to think that he might be sitting in the WU office there, trying  ;-)

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Wednesday, March 26, 2014

Fah Down Go Boom

*NOTE:  this is being written before the Sweet 16 match up to pare down to the Elite 8*

As I've stated before in this blog, me and basketball are not remotely synonymous.

Even if I occasionally dribble.

I never took to the sport.  I was never good when I had to or even thought to attempt the sport.  In a simple game of 'Horse', I could never win a letter, let alone buy a vowel.  One foolish effort to impress a basketball-loving woman I was dating in college had me join an intramural basketball league.  As a member of the worst team therein.

Besides embarrassing ourselves, it didn't work for me personally with her.

I don't watch it.  I don't follow it.  For all I know, William & Mary didn't have a team 'cuz they were arguing about the toilet seat up or down all season.

So in keeping with being my occasionally non sequitur self, I fill out a March Madness bracket every year these past four.  I seem intent on proving to the world my cluelessness on the subject.  The past three, I have done that most conclusively.

At least this year, I'm not alone  ;-)

I entered that Quicken Billion Dollar challenge.  Not with any notion of winning...me pick a perfect bracket?  *long stretch of LMAO followed by necessary oxygen to recover*

I just didn't expect my bracket to implode so rapidly.  Starting with the very first game.

My stats up  to now:  I have 30 correct picks out of 48 so far.  As I gaze upon an overview of my total brackets, all but one look like silk curtains in the House of Cats.  The one that is amazingly intact, I have a feeling I picked the wrong winner on that one (which is probably proven by the time this posts; I picked Louisville over Kentucky), and it doesn't matter, 'cuz the team I picked to emerge triumphant from that particular bracket went phffffffffft already.

Despite all that, 3 of my Final Four picks are still in.

One of my Final Two is still there.

I still have a chance that I picked the ultimate winner.  Well...at least before the upcoming weekend, anyway.

So no billion dollars.  Not even a $100,000 chance, like there ever was one.

Worse, I will have to live with listening to my pet rock crow.  Seymour is 4 picks better than me at this point.  Who but a pet rock would have picked Mercer over Duke?

"Nyah nyah!"

At least he's no better in the Final Two:  Wichita State went phfffffffffffft.

"Oh PHFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT!"

Seymour's even a sore winner.

"Am NOT!!!!"

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Sunday, March 23, 2014

It's All Rock 'n Roll With Music Added

Sometimes, gibberish really IS the best response.

Here's an email I got from; what would YOU do with this?

Good Day.
 
Please let me know if you were in receipt of my previous communique posted to you. This is regarding your partnership and assistance to help certify a piece of document in your area which conforms to the supposed care-taker to certain financial proceeds that requires an immediate claimant before appropriation process is established by the financial and securities firm.

Further information will be forwarded to you on receipt of your confirmation.

With Regards
Mr.Hamza Gokhan 
 
Honestly, this bozoid sent me nothing heretofore, five, six, or any other time.  But let's not disappoint him by failing to acknowledge; indeed, let's acknowledge by turning his email to gibberish:
 
 


Good Day.
 
Please let me know if you were in receipt of my previous communique posted to you. This is regarding your partnership and assistance to help certify that a piece of swampland in Florida, transported telekinetically to Detroit, Michigan, officially annointed in deer piss and then sanctified by a spit over the left shoulder of a low information zombie named Pelosi, is in fact the site of a future Walmart; OR, to be declared a protected class under the Obama-initiated Federal Endangered Feces Act, which is pretty much what protects everything coming out of the Obama regime to date. 

This pre-supposes that constipation is not the supreme act of anal retention, and a host of other subliminal requisites that are generally non sequitur if actually read, which is what most people don't do before signing onto something, since disclaimers are generally so lawyeresque and boring-ese to examine closely. 

And if you chose not to respond, a pox on all your flushing toilets.

More can be learned in an unremarkable piece of document in your area which conforms to nothing making much in the way of sense, but at 2700 pages in length, was writ by the same moron that wrote the ACA in Klingon, forcing a hefty translation fee before publication.  Therein one will find the usual disclaimesque-ees about stuff like post horkum tookum, ad hoc snortum, e pluribus advil, and decorkum injurious flatus, aka the supposed care-taker to certain financial proceeds that requires an immediate claimant before appropriation process is established by the financial and securities firm.
 


Further information will be forwarded to you on receipt of your confirmation.
 

With Regards
Mr.Hamza Gokhan
A Mongolian Cambodian fronting as a Muslim Atheist named Bob  
 
 
Ol' HamzaCheese then makes two mistakes:  (a) he read what I dun to his email, Ma, and (b) he responds with this:
 
what is the meaning brother?  
 
It is whatever you choose herein to interpret to be, up to an including a colostomy bag.  Most stores won't appreciate you bringing your colostomy bag to sack groceries, unless all you're buying is sh**.  Then it's okay.  Either way, it's all rock 'n roll with music added.
 
And that put an end to a 'brotherhood' that never was  ;-)
 

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Friday, March 21, 2014

The Reply I Cannot Post

Yes, that's right:  I cannot post the reply I sent this email scammer.

Really.

Well, I probably could.

But some politically correct yutz would complain to Blogger.  And with the current regime in charge of trying to undermine the US Constitution, they'd probably have the post pulled.  Oh yes...Obozo would do that.

So I won't post the reply I  sent to this email scammer.

But I reckon you can imagine it, once you read their scam mail:

On Tuesday, March 18, 2014 7:11 PM, Sgt. Abdul Kalam <abdul.kalam8@live.com> wrote:
Dear friend.

Please forgive me if i break into your privacy as it was done out of my desire to locate a trusted person who can guarantee me the trust need in this transaction.

Before I proceed, I want to Introduce myself. I am SGT. Abdul Kalam an American soldier, serving in the military with the army 3rd infantry division in Iraq but currently redeployed to Afghanistan. With a very desperate need for assistance, I have summed up courage to contact you as i hope you will be human enough not to betray me.

 I am seeking your kind assistance to move the sum of eight million United States dollars to you as far as I can be assured that my share will be safe in your care since you are within presence of God until I complete my service here.

Some money in various currencies was discovered in barrels at a farmhouse near one of Saddam old palaces in Tikrit-Iraq during a rescue operation, and it was agreed by staff sgt Kenneth Buff and I that some part of this money be shared among both of us before informing anybody about it since both of us saw the money first.

This was quite an illegal thing to do, but I tell you what? No compensation can make up for the risk we have taken with our lives in this hell hole, of which my brother in-law was killed by a road side bomb last time. Http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/middle_east/2988455.stm The above figure was given to me as my share, and to conceal this kind of money became a problem for me, so with the help of a British contact working here and his office enjoy some immunity, I was able to get the package out to a safe location entirely out of trouble spot. He does not know the real contents of the package, and believes that it belongs to a British/American medical doctor who also died in an early morning raid here in Iraq, and before giving up, trusted me to hand over the package to his family in united states.

I have now found a secured way of getting the package out of Iraq to you, for you to pick up, and I will discuss this with you when I am sure that you are willing to assist me, and I believe that my money will be well secured in your hand because you have fear of God. I want you to tell me how much you will take from this money for the assistance you will give to me. One passionate appeal I will make to you is not to discuss this matter with anybody, should you have reasons to reject this offer, please and please destroy this message as any leakage of this information will be too bad for us soldier here in Afghanistan.

I do not know how long we will remain here, especially now that The President Barrack Obama has notify the world of his interest in solving the crises in Syria and I have been shot, wounded and survived two suicide bomb attacks by the special grace of God, this and other reasons I will mention later has prompted me to reach out for help, I honestly want this matter to be resolved immediately.

YOURS FAITHFULLY
SGT. Abdul Kalam  
 
Oh, trust me:  I did reply immediately.
 
I just can't post the reply.  I reckon you know why  ;-)

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