Wednesday, December 17, 2014

Benin and Western Union *OOPS* Again

It appears that scammers in the Republic of Benin think that offereing a Christmas discount on a Western Union scam is a sure fire way to get money sent to them.  Here's how they planned to do it:








THIS IS OUR CONDUCT CODE ( 204)
Welcome to  Western Union Bonus Center
Benin Republic Send Money Worldwide
FROM OFFICE OF THE WESTERN UNION MONEY
TRANSFER. COTONOU BENIN REPUBLIC/ADDRESS,
23 BOMBAY WAY,WHITE HOUSE,RUE,85745, COTONOU.
E MAIL ADDRESS = (
office.transfer@workmail.com) or (  western_union.federal@yahoo.fr  )
CUSTOMER CARE LINE;+229 99935539
And Receive Money Via Any Western Union Store Near You!

Hello  Dear Customer!

This is to notify all of you about the latest development concerning all the payment that are left in our custody,which yours are inclusive Besides,  where you are given a bill  of $100,  in order to receive your payment which we didn’t hear from you for sometime now. Hence, our Western Union  is now offering a Special BONUS to help all our customers that are having their payment  in our custody due to of high prices. In order words we are now requesting that those involve should pay only the sum of $43. 00 to receive all their payment abandoned in our custody.

Besides, my dear, this is the opportunity for you and have to comply and your funds  shall be transfer to your designated address. But remember that after (5 DAYS) you did not make the payment then we will divert your funds to Government Fund, to avoid problem or we will cancel the payment for this year until next year  because this year is not like last year.

Again after (FIVE DAYS ) We will enter A new project  for the year and that is the reason why we decided to help  all our customers before we enter into the new project. So be  advise to send the $43.00 immediately so that we will register your payment and  you start receiving your transfer as from tomorrow in amount $4,500.00 in two payment daily. Be advise that there is no time again for we to call any person on phone unless you will call +229 999--355--39. After the payment of $43.00 you will start receiving your money every day $4,500.00 through Western Union until the full payment of $1.2m is completed. Amount to be receiving per day is $9,000.00.

Therefore you are requested to send the fee via western union money transfer with below information.

RECEIVER NAME ; EMMANUEL OBAGHA
COUNTRY -----;BENIN REPUBLIC
CITY--------;COTONOU
TEST QUESTION;HOW  LONG
ANSWER -------;NOW
AMOUNT ----;$43.00.
SENDER NAME;............
MTCN;...................

The moment i receive the payment of $43 i will release the first payment information's of $4,500 to you after 45minutes of the fee confirmation from you and you will pick up the money for another to be sending. Hoping to hear from you.   





My pet rock, Seymour, was anxious to take a crack at this and show off his new command of the English language, scammer style.  I don't think the scammers or the DNC were quite ready for it:






  
On Friday, December 5, 2014 1:51 AM, SAM JOE <kimberlydunn66@gmail.com> had this edited by a pet rock of geologic antecedence and few scruples, so that it now reads thus: 




THIS IS OUR MISCONDUCT CODE (2-oh-screw-you-4-munnies)
Welcome to  Western Union Bogus Center
Benin Repugnant Trying To Steal Money Worldwide
FROM OFFICE OF A FLY INFESTED INTERNET SCAM CAFE
TRYING LIKE HELL TO IMITATE WESTERN UNION MONEY
TRANSFER. COTONOU BENIN REPUGNANT/ADDRESS,
23 BOMBSAWAY WAY,OBOLA WHITE HOUSE,RUE,85745, COTONOU.
E MAIL ADDRESS = (
office.transfer@workmail.com) or (  western_union.federal@yahoo.fr  )
CUSTOMER LACK OF CARE LINE;+229 99935539

When it comes from Benin, you know you get screwed  ;-)

Hello  Intended Dupe!
 
This is to notify all of you -- even your parts that don't hear or see, which I learn about recently in geography class, genitals and earwax and stuff -- about the latest development concerning all the latest bullsh** we try pull here in Benin Repugnant!  Oh sh**, I not 'sposed to say that.  Ogun, where my talking ports?  Okay, here I goes...we gotz a payment that are left in our custody,which yours are inclusive.  You saby?   Besides, where you are given a bill  of $100, a duck is somewhere without a bill and they don't fly good widdout a bill.  In odor to receive your payment which we didn’t hear from you for sometime now -- you gots to contract us here in Benin Repugnant if you wants our moneyzgrams -- so our our Westin Onjons  is now offering a Special BOGUS to help all our customers help us rape their wallets. Was I sposed to tells that?  Dammit Ogun!

In order worlds we are now redacting that those involve with no-billed ducks should get a bill of $43.00 which we think will affect less ducks since many of thems don't gotz cheep bills.  
 
Besides, my dear, this is the opporscrewnity for me to have to comply and get your funds so I can buy my wife -- I marry to a baboon named Hillary -- a face lift and the crane what might can do it.  Hillary pretty big, y'see.  But remember that after (5 DAYS) you did not make the payment, we might be run different deal and all the stuff with ducks, bills, weighs and curds may be replace by different templant than what we are use nowser.  

In case you ax, I am prod of my comingle of the Anglash lumbagospeaks.   Rits it Purdy goodz, to.  Why?  because this year is not like last year.  It gotz diffrunt nombores in it.
 
Again after (FIVE DAYS ) it will be five days later.  This signifcornt, yes?  We start a gnu A new project  for the year and it will have us all being refugees from Dearborn MI living in non-existant refugee camps in Senegalese, performing pap smears on piranha Virginias.  That is the reason why we decided to help ourselves to  all our customers before we start something gnu and mebbe not all of you standunder a proctologyized rhino bung hole or piranha virginia getting it's pap smeared.  We plan to put vigeo of it on YouBoob soonest.  So be  advise to send the $43.00 immediately so that we will register you as a succor in our registree of succors so that ours like me can contract you and do you like obola and nancy Pelosi are do you.  Be advise that there is no time again for we to call any person on phone because meerkats pee on all our phone c'ept one, and it in Ogun's pocket.  He gotz in on vertebrate, so you will call +229 999--355--39 and give Ogun cheep spill. After the payment of $43.00 you will start receiving text msgs from online loan scammers like Dangote Alico and other dubious antecedents.  They wait and see how we do firstest.
 
Therefore you are requested to send the fee via westin onjon monkey transport with below information.
 
RECEIVER NAME ; EMMANUEL OBAGHAHEEHAHAHAHAHA
COUNTRY -----;BENIN REPUGNANT
CITY--------;COTONOU
TEST QUESTION;  IF SHEEP IS RAM AND DONKEY IS ASS
ANSWER -------; WHY RAM IN ASS A GOOSE?
AMOUNT ----;$43.00.
SENDER NAME;............
IN 500 SYNTAX OR LESS, 'SPLAIN THE GENITAL HISTORY OF PLANET URANUS AND HOW IT RELATED TO HARRY REID;...................
 
The moment i receive the payment of $43 i will most likely wet myselves most profusely...never had one of this works bethree.  Hoping to hear from you.

FOR THE MANAGEMENT
FROM DR. SAME JOE......
FOREIGN OPERATION MANAGER
WESTIN UNJON OFFICE BENIN REPUGNANT
THIS IS OUR MISCONDUCT CODE (2-oh-screw-you-4-munnies )  


Seymour's right proud of hisself, and is on the enemies list of everyone at the DNC...

"Am NOT!!!"

 

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Sunday, December 14, 2014

Ya Don't Say

Once again...a state agency sends out an email that supposes all the recipients need to be told the obvious.


I won't name the state or the agency...but when I got a copy of it, it literally screamed to be edited.


And Seymour -- my editing pet rock -- was up to the task.  Note that you can tell what's edited and what's original...most of the original in black print, almost all of the edits in blue:




You are subscribed to Northwest place of people needing to be told the obvious - News for State Agency Department of Stating The Obvious. Sorry.  This information has recently been updated, and should be obvious to any breathing vertebrate with working eyes and thermometer.


11/24/2014 12:05 PM MST
 
Can you say DUH?????  Of COURSE you can!!!!
NORTHWEST state of people not believed to be too bright – As we move towards the holidays, a check of the calendar and a step out of door – taking care to sidestep Rover’s poo leavings – suggests to all but the most inattentive amongst us that winter – the season opposite of summer, unless you live on Uranus or Neptune where seasons and -500 degrees are SOP – is h’yah.  And th’yah.  And yes, it’s even managed to work its way into our western state.

Just in case the annual yeti migration did not get your attention by now.

“Our maintenance crews have been prepping for winter for quite a while now by learning what snow is, how it forms, why it doesn’t come as rain, and how if it wore purple hats it would be something entirely different in Toledo,” said Nolan Gronkputz, CDOSTO Maintenance-Of-The-Obvious Superintendent. “We ask motorists to become cognizant of what snow is, and how it can bring snowsnakes into your home to wrap around your water pipes and freeze them solid.  Also, why you should never try to shovel out your drive way when we’ve plowed it shut…we’re trying to tell you something, and you hurt our feelings when you try to undo all that we done.  Our goal is always to get the roads clear for yeti migration and penguin curling competitions, not to mention the platypus-manatee sled races, which foolishly I just mentioned”.

“The weather can change so quickly in this area of the state,” stated Snark Ork, acting Maintenance-Of-The-Dagnabbed-Obvious Superintendent for South Park. “Motorists who have taken the time to get their cars prepared for winter weather are boring.  We much enjoy the ones from Texas with pickup trucks mounting cowbells and no snowtires…when it goes spinning through an intersection, them cowbells is sooo kewl”.

The following information provides details on what winter weather is and what it ain’t:

WINTER TRAVEL TIPS:
  • Move to Florida before it snows.
  • If you didn’t, then we guess you orta make sure  you have good snow tires. How do you know if you need new snow tires? 1. Wait for snow.  2.  Drive.  3.  If you out of control, *DING DING DING* you need snow tires. 
  • Always keep the top half of your gas tank full. If gas gets into the bottom half of your tank, you're not listening and we will publish your name along with photoshopped pictures of you leaving a cheap motel with a stuffed llama...just sayin'. Everyone will point and laugh at you, without knowing why.
  • If you are stuck in at home with food, water and Xbox when a serious storm hits, so what?  Wait to leave home until a comical storm comes along.  Lackadaisical storms are kinda fun too.
  • Show your significant other who’s boss:  make her carry blankets, water, a flashlight, a shovel, some nutrition bars or other food for sustenance. After six months on the couch, you’ll figure out we were kidding.  Hehe. 
  • Remember that 4-wheel drive does not mean interplanetary passes to the Planet Moolah. A 4-wheel drive vehicle will not stop any choreographed yeti banzai charge, nor will it prevent prickly heat.  It might help with moving your mother-in-law’s fruitcake collection.
  • Know the chain laws. They moved into your neighborhood last month.
  • Drive for the opportunity to test the conditions. In poor visibility or even whiteout conditions, just stomp the gas and go for it.  Especially if you’re driving a pickup truck with inadequate tires and cowbells.  We lurve watching them spinning through intersections, sounding bovine Battle Stations.
In addition to these winter driving tips, CDOSTO reminds all motorists to disrespect winter weather;  it can’t operate a remote, play cribbage or Xbox and it sure as hell can’t play music in its armpits. 




Seymour's pretty proud of hisself, while this particular state agency is looking to find and use Seymour for snow maintenance.


"Are NOT!!!"

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Thursday, December 11, 2014

Another Talking Desk In Scamland

They must love to have talking desks in Scamland.  Here's yet another one:




FROM THE DESK OF:MR PAUL GABA
ABSA Bank, South Africa   
Tel:  +27- 83 736 4032
Fax: +27- 86 549 0852
                                                                           
  
 
Dear Sir/ Madam,
 
 
I write to introduce this urgent business proposal to you irrespective of the fact that we have not seen or known each other before but faith that it will be of immense benefit to both of us. My name is Mr. PAUL GABA, the Credit officer of   ABSA Bank, South Africa  I got your contact through the South African Chamber of Commerce in my earnest search for a reliable individual who can assist me to make this transaction a reality but I did not disclose the nature of the business to them. There is an outstanding sum of US$5,500.000.00 (Five Million Five Hundred Thousand United States Dollars) deposited by the LATE MR. WOLFGANG STUDEMANN who died with his entire family & 44 others in a Pacific Southwest Airlines Flight 1771 Wednesday, December 9, 1987.
 
 
 This fund was deposited since 1985 and since 1986 nobody has operated on this account. After going through some old files in my possession, I discovered that the owner of this dormant account Mr. Wolfgang Studemann does not exist anymore and that if I do not urgently remit this fund outside South Africa , it would be forfeited by the government for nothing. I am contacting you because of the need to involve a foreigner with foreign bank account; the bank management is ready to approve this payment to any foreigner who has the correct information of this account which I will provide to you. Should this interest you and to indicate your interest and willingness to assist me in this venture. I will introduce and approve you as his next of kin for you to receive the fund. We can share it 50/50.
 
I will furnish you all information upon your acceptance to part with me. If you are interested, please send me a mail to MRPAULGABA@hotmail.com 
 
I will be glad t clarify you on any question. Thanks.
 
Tel: +27- 83 736 4032  


My pet rock, Seymour, always wanted to imitate a talking desk in edit mode.  Here's his chance, and he gets...uh...really weird with it. 

"Do NOT!!!":


FROM THE DESK OF:MR PAUL GABA
ABSA Bank, South Africa   
Tel:  +27- 83 736 4032
Fax: +27- 86 549 0852
                                                                           
  
 
Dear Sir/ Madam,
 
 
Yes, I am really a talking desk, and yes, I am really talking to you.  Granted, not audibly, but via the magic of email.  Not that email is all that magic any more.  I tried magic once and tried to pull Taylor Swift out of my drawers.  All that came out was a squirrel, and most of you menfolk would NEVER remove Taylor Swift from your drawers, but I as a desk digress. 

I write to introduce this urgent business proposal to you irrespective of the fact that we have not seen or known each other before.  And don't be misled by thinking that when you've seen one talking desk, you've seen them all.  Uh-uh, no siree bob.  I am unique in talking desks; one of my drawers also works as a toilet.  A real flushing toilet.

I'll get back to that here in a 'mo.  Meantime, to biscuits.

I am the desk of  Mr. PAUL GABA, the Credit officer of ABSA Bank, South Africa  I got your contact through the same means that all of us talking desks get y'all contacts...from a laminated parrot turd oracle named Ogun.  He cleans toilets at the South African Chamber of Commerce.  Yes, they actually have some there.

In my earnest search for a gullible dolt that believes in talking desks, I need your assistance to make this transaction a reality; as merely a talking desk, I can't do jackwagon sh**.  Mayhaps you can.  There is an outstanding sum of US$5,500.000.00 (Five Million Five Hundred Thousand United States Dollars) deposited by the LATE MR. WOLFGANG VON SCHWEPPERVESCENTSPITZENSPARKENPUTZ who died trying to say his name fast backwards three times on America Lacks Talent with Ben Afflack. 
 
Only pmsnbc would carry such a show.

This fund was deposited since 2011 and since 2014 nobody has operated on this account.  No one here knows how to operate; one of them tried to be a goat proctologist, but he got trampled when he snapped on the gloves and said "now bend over and say "BAAAAAAAAA"!"  Not too bright was he.  After going through some old files in my drawers, I also found some billing records that belong to HRC, Obola's birth certificate from Uranus, Joe Bidumb's brain scan (it was negative), and Nancy Pelosi's vaginal implant (she used to be Al Sharpton). 

All of these things were forfeited to the government for nothing.  Which makes sense; who'd want sh** like that?  I certainly didn't.  I'd be okay with Taylor Swift in my drawers, but I digress again.  I am contacting you because of the need to involve a foreigner who can figure out how to get Taylor Swift in my drawers.

Should this interest you, say the word and we'll split Taylor Swift 50/50.  Well, actually 99/1.  I just want her toe nails.  I'm a desk with a fetish.
 
I will furnish you all information upon your acceptance to part with the guy I'm a desk for. If you are interested, please send him a mail to MRPAULGABA@hotmail.com because I as a desk cannot get back to you. 
 
I will be glad t clarify you on any question, including how you can help me get rid of the drawer that works like a flush toilet.  I hate having it back up during the lunch hour around here.  And if any one of you can tell me how to pull a Taylor Swift out of my drawers, I'd be obliged.  She'd be far and above the nicest thing that Paul Gaba keeps in me.  Those stupid bondage magazines about sodomizing goats and being sex slaves to them are disgusting, though they do make me laugh at times.. Thanks.
 
Tel: +27- 83 736 4032  





If I didn't know any better, I'd say that my pet rock as a thing for Taylor Swift.



"And your point is?"



Good point, Seymour...






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Monday, December 8, 2014

Dangote Alico Goes Trans...

A couple-three months back, I played the scammer Dangote Alico, who actually believed that he was recruiting my character to help him pull off an online loan scam on some poor schlep in South America.










As that episode closed, I kept urging Dangote to learn from the 'zen master'...and Dangote never did.


So he contacted me again...this time as...well, I'll let you read his opening gambit:












Greetings My beloved friend, I am mindful of the fact that you do not know me, so I expect that
your first reaction to this mail will be total rejection, scare and may be unbelief, owing largely to the atrocities people commit these days. But this mail comes from a devastated, sorrowful and emotional heart that needs compassion from a kind and good spirited person to wipe away my tears, perhaps when I am gone beyond this sinful world. I sincerely apologize for any
inconvenient my email may cause, I know the internet is not safe anymore, people have abused it so much that it is difficult to trust anyone, lies, deceit, impersonation and theft to name
but few. so please, i am begging you to handle what i am about to say with pure heart and utmost secrecy. If after reading this email, you feel you cannot be of any help to me, please delete this message to avoid internet mongers pretending to me, tampering with my email, Please do not respond to any email from anyone that pretending to me i beg you.



 My name is Mrs Imani Vaserman , I am a 63 years old widow of circumstance, married to an Israeli Zoologist/Researcher. We had a beautiful daughter (Hadassa) who died in 1998 after 7yrs battling with Quadriplegia paralysis, the kind that affect the spinal cord of a person, leaving such person completely unable to move. She became paralyzed after an accident during one of her skating practice. All this years, I have been trying to leave with the loss of my only child, until death in its uninvited manner came knocking again, this time, my beloved husband, my only source of happiness was taking away while on a research mission on November 12, 2001 on a plane crash with other passengers On American Airlines Flight 587...  








You get the idea.  Ol' Dangote still wants money for school...or for his mom...or for his transition to a transgender...or for his handler/lover Ogun...whatever.










Naturally, I wanted to help ol' Dangote out...so I edited the obvious faults I found in his email, and sent them out to him and 50 of his peers and colleagues:













Greetings My intended dupe, I am mindful of the fact that you do not know me, so I expect that
your first reaction to this mail will be painful rectal itch, since I had a witch doctor insert that to
take effect when you opened it.  If it didn't work, pleased to advice me so I can fire that rat
bastard.

But this mail comes from a devastated, sorrowful and emotional asshole -- that would be me,
Dangote Alico -- because my previous online lending scam went phffffft.  You see, I really
suck at this sh**.

Though I say I sincerely apologize for any inconvenient this email may cause, I am full of sh**.
I mean for this email to be as inconvenient as possible for you if you play along with me.

I know the internet is not safe anymore because of total mugu assholes like me, Dangote
Alico, who is full of lies, deceit, impersonation and horrible smells emanating from my
armpits and ass.


Still, I am begging you to pay no attention to the start of this email, and just go with what's
to follow.  If you cannot be of help to me, may the gastrointestinal droppings of 10 billion
hummingbirds find their way to your home.  I figured I'd better go with 10 billion, because
those damned hummingbirds ain't so big y'know.  I didn't until I readed it in Wikipissonme,
that online source of dubious antecedent knowledge run by Robinson Buckler, a knowd
sodomizer of hamsters.

If after reading this you feel you cannot help but laugh at me, fuck you.  I already have
peoples laughing at me thanks to the last person I thought I could dupe, and he duped
me instead.

Though I admitted here that I am Dangote Alico, a failed scammer from Nigeria, for the
porpoise of this email I am really Flipper...I'm sure Greenpeace will help me if they
believe that.
.
I was married to Mr. Limpet, who met a tragic end in the waters off Dearborn, Michigan,
when he realized what a limpet was when his timer ran out.  The explosion sank
Michael Moore's badly strained rubber duck with Moore in it, causing a first ever tsunami to hit Waukegan, IL.  You can read about it in the Weekly World News or perhaps the Onion.

All this years, I have been trying to live with painful vaginal itch, which is curious since
I am really a guy and not a wymen porpoise.  I know this all sounds so confusing, so
I went to a shrink to talk about my problem, only to have my shrink, after one session,
dive out his one story window and fall to his death in an unclean catbox left there by
the shrink's wife who never like him anyway.  After my husband death from an
expired timer, I am bed ridden in the annual Central City Madam Lou Bunch bed
races, where I came in 21st out of 20 entrants.  See, I can't even do that right.

Anyway, to further add to my talking points angst, I lost my daughter to a skating accident when she accidentally wound up on the same rink with Tonya Harding.  Don't you hate when that happens, particularly when there's a Gilooly character around.

To avoid further drivel that this email is becoming, I will want you to get back to me
to ask me what the f**k a porpoise can be writing you an email about.  I was also
supposed to include here some schlock about the glory of Allah, but what glory
can there be in being a 6th Century bed wetter?  Also you have to assure me you will
keep this transaction confidential because if you tell anyone that you're having
email speaks with a porpoise, you'll be committed on a 72 hour mental health hold,
and that will surely f**k up my plans here. Presently, my condition has become more complex to an extent that it has spread into my dorsal fins, consequently, due for another surgery that my
doctors told me it is not certain i will be able to live in a world full of wonder
under the sea after.  Plus they find that my late spouse the not-so-incredible Mr.
Limpet apparently had a limpet surgically implanted in my porpoise vagina, meaning
I'm due for a helluva bang at some point near term.

A strange world I live in, eh?  I'm going to stake that witch doctor rat bastard, Robinson
Buckler, to an army ant hill.  Prick.

So do write back to me soonest so that I may be helped in a manure befitting of the story
I just telled you.  I do this on porpoise...and if you see what I just do there, you see why I
not quit my day job as a goat anal inspector.

PS:  see, I can't even fix my gawddamned email address for a new scam.  





That drew this from good ol' Dangote:












are you not help me please?  





I are help you with the edit.  The zen master awaits your acceptance that you get it.


get what?  





I guess that means the 'zen master' still waits...  






God punish u  








LMAO!  God is laughing right along with me at you.  So is anyone who accesses blogs on the world wide web.  Did you know that for all the fun I've made of the Nigerian Illumininnies, there are hundreds of links to those posts?  Oh yeah...and more links to the post where I handled you.  God is laughing with me, at you.  Count on it.





Poor ol' Dangote.  What will he become next in Scamland...hrc begging for her chance to be inevitable?  Don't be surprised, said the zen master....


 

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Thursday, December 4, 2014

Seymour Irritates The Pudginator Again

My pet rock, Seymour, loves his edits.  Especially when it involves the latest "dear leader" of the peculiar blackhole of humanity, North Korea.


Seeing an article that Kim Jong Un was demanding that no one else have his name, Seymour was moved to weigh in:






North Korea Reader Gets Screwed Up Order At Pyongyang Eatery And Goes On (yet another) Epic Rant




PAHRUMP (Roto-Rooters) – After an epic screw up at a McScrewDaPeoples “look fast, the food is gone” restaurant, North Korea's dubious antecedent leader throwd hisself a monumental hissy, and has ordered people who share his name to change their names, sources trying not to be too close to the pudgy snitster reported on Wednesday.


“Onry I be Kim Jong Un, not one nobody more!” shrieked His Pudgeness during a post “WTF is this” snit he threw at the aforementioned restaurant, finding that his order of McDog Nuggets was actually substitute tofu nuggets at the behest of the North Korean chapter of PETA.


Which was officially banned that day, and all of its members fed to sharks off Wonsan.


His Pudgeness imposed similar bans on movies, cartoons, newspapers and magazines – print and online – according to the same “giving him a wide berth just now” sources. Unfortunately for the Un-ster, his wide ranging bans don't mean much outside of North Korea. 
 
Herr Dr. Kim Jong Unmeister, editor in chief of the Liechtenstein Das Ist Crap Undt Schtuff daily responded by emailing the ranting Pudgester a hearty “Phffffffffffffffffffensee” and declared the month of December “Everyvun In Liechtenstein Ist Kim Jong Un Fer Das Month Undt Schtuff, Ja!” While the DNC in Washington DC is weighing filing lawsuits against anyone making fun of the Pudgester over this – “We be politically correct, first, last, irrelevantly” driveled a spokepoison during an unattended press conference – entrepreneurs across the rest of the world, along with five of seven surveyed planets with life forms of varied degrees, were setting up a landmark t-shirt business, selling shirts proclaiming “I'm a Kim Jong Un, He's a Kim Jong Un, She's a Kim Jong Un, Wouldn't You Like To Be a Kim Jong Un too?”. 
 
“We expect sales to go astronomically blackhole” marveled Kim Jong Un, spokesKim Jong Un for the business. “I mean, just look at the name...it's sounds so Dung Chow Plick, y'know?”. 
 
Official North Korean sources are reporting that His Pudgeness is none too preased, and is prepared to declare war on Liechtenstein, Jupiter, Mars, Saturn, Neptune and Uranus.


Kim Jong Il, the father of the current leader, is dead. Kim Il Sung, the grandfather of the current leader, likewise. Just in case you didn't know.


South Korea's Unification Ministry, which handles ties with the North, could not immediately confirm the report that it's handing out “good for a day Kim Jong Un name changes” to the staff, but said it was plausible.


"The rant is highly possible since Un still hasn't gotten the role in another Team America World Police movie that he's been demanding," a ministry official chuckled.


It is not known how many people there are in North Korea called Kim Jong Un, but sources are sure a rash of Billy Bob and Bobbie Jo Jong Uns is going to be making the rounds.    


Seymour PetRock NewsEdits, UnLtd 




It is rumored that His Pudgeness has also declared war on my pet rock.  At least Seymour needn't worry about being eaten by hungry dogs.


"Oh PHFFFFFFFFFFFFFT!"




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Monday, December 1, 2014

SuleyMON!

Didn't Neil Diamond sing something about someone by that name?


I reckon he wasn't talking about THIS tart.


Meet Miss Zaynab Suleyman, as I did:




Good-Day My Dear Respected One,

Nice To Meet You, I pray this message reaches you in the best of health and imaan. I am writing this mail to you with tears and sorrow from my heart, I humbly write to solicit for your partnership and assistance in the transfer and investment of my inheritance funds (USD 9.5M) Nine Million Five Hundred Thousand U.S Dollars from my late father who died mysteriously.

I am Mis.Zaynab Suleyman, I am 21years old, am only child of my late parents Mr. and Mrs.Abdull Suleyman. I got your contact email from international domain database and I decided to contact you for this offer, that is based on trust and you’re outstanding.

I need your assistance in transferring the fund to your account for investments purpose. The transaction is 100% legal and risk free on both sides hence you are going to follow my instruction till the fund is transferred and secured into your account.

It was very evident that my father was poisoned to death. In my culture, when a man dies, if he does not have a male child, the brother takes his property leaving the wife and the daughters empty handed. This is the exact case with me as I am the only daughter, I lost my mother when I was barely a year old and my father refused to re-marry despite all persuasion by friends and relatives, because he felt solely responsible for my mother's death, as he only concentrated on his business that he rarely pays attention to family affairs, He ensured that I will had everything that I wanted. It was as a result that he made me the next of kin to his fund deposit with the bank and stated that in the event of any eventuality, I should have a direct access to the funds only when I am 25 years otherwise, I should have a guardian to intercede on my behalf for the release of the funds to me for investments purpose.

Unlucky he passes away and I wanted to transfers the fund to over sea for investments purpose due to my current situation. Please if you are interested in this offer kindly give me your full assurance, I has decided to contact you hope that you will find this offer interesting to assist me, on your confirmation of this message indicate your interest, I will furnish you with more details as read from you, I made a solemn vow through God as soon as we get the fund sucessfuly transferred into your bank account i will offer 10% of the total fund to the orphanage over there in your country and 20% for your kind effort out of the total fund, while 70% will invest in profitable business and managing by you while I continue my studies. Endeavor to let me know your decision.


If you are not interested please delete and do not bother to respond.

But If you are interested your urgent response will be appreciated.Talk to you the more sincerely.
Best regard
Mis.Zaynab Suleyman 





I decided to deliberately misread the 'respond/don't respond' instructions, and responded with an edit I'm sure that will leave her wondering who the hell Ogun is, too:




Good-Day My Dear "I Hope To Disrespected One",

Nice To Meet You in cyberspace.  It spares me from you seeing what I really look like...fatter than the ass end of a water buffalo.

I pray this message reaches you and totally fucks up your health and imaan. I am writing this mail to you with tears and sorrow from my heart, and I've burned up a half dozen lap top computers trying to write with tears, so I tell Ogun this sh*t isn't working, and he give me his iphone and tell me not to cry on it or he turn my vagina into a crotch cricket retreat.  I think that mean I not get his iphone wet, huh?

I humbly write to solicit for your partnership and assistance in the pillage and molestation of any money you have, cuz I ain't gots none.  I live in West Africa, and three things we have in abundance here don't include money.  My late father who died mysteriously, was my pimp.  Tells you he probably voted democrap.

The talking points I got from Josh Earnest say....oh sh*t, they don't talk, I have to say them...lemme see here...oh, there we go...I am Mis.Zaynab Suleyman, I am 21years old, am only child of my late parents Mr. and Mrs.Abdull Suleyman. I got your contact email from international domain database etched in a bathroom stall in Burundi.  I decided to contact you for this offer because anyone etched on a bathroom stall in Burundi is okay in my book.  Oh, and my talking points say to butter you up by saying that is based on trust and you’re outstanding.

Hope the weather's nice where you're standing out.

I need your assistance in transferring your funds to my handlers for the sole purpose of allowing them not to have to find and hold a job.  Which not one of them can.  Shiftless clods all.

The transaction is 100% illegal and risk free to me hence you are going to follow my instruction till every last dime in your account is in the feces-covered hands of my handlers (we're out of toilet paper and they refuse to use their shirts). 

It was very evident that my father was poisoned to death by me. In my culture, when a man dies, if he was pimping out his daughter, a pox on his genital warts.  This is the exact case with me as I am the only daughter, I poisoned the bastard because he try to contract me out to a Nigerian UN peacekeeping farce as part of their "afternoon delight" program.  Asshats.  I lost my mother when I was touring in Detroit -- I think she wound up in Newark with our luggage -- it was as a result that I wound up working a computer in a fly-infested internet cafe, trying to make money for Ogun.

I'd rather have sex with Bob Beckel.  And if you've seen him, you know that this suggests that Ogun is a real piece of sh*t.

Unlucky for me Ogun read this over my shoulder so you better come through for me.  Please if you are interested in this offer kindly give me your full assurance, I has decided to contact you hope that you will find this offer interesting to assist me, on your confirmation of this message indicate your interest, I will furnish you with more details as read from you, I made a solemn vow through a wildebeest anus that was dried, treated and hung up on the wall here for us to worship, that I find someone like you to cheat. Endeavor to let me know your decision.

If you are not interested please don't delete this; instead, respond and in 500 words or less, tell Ogun what kind of an asshat he is.

But If you are interested your urgent response will be appreciated.Talk to you the more  insincerely.
Best regard
Mis.Zaynab Suleyman
mis.zaynabsuleyman247@yahoo.com
An equal opportunity internet nincompoop  




I didn't hear from Suleyman...who apparently can read a little...but I did hear from one of the many scammers I've peppered with these edits, long after he and I ran out of things to say to each other:


stop this!!!!!!!  




I can't...the brakes went out and we're on an 8% grade....WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.  




He didn't appreciate my imitation of Maxwell the Pig....

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Friday, November 28, 2014

That One Left A Mark

After the episode "Cantalog", it began.






Cyber attacks on the blog.






My anti virus program has identified (and blunted) attacks from sites in Russia, China, Jacksonville FL and The Netherlands.  Nothing shows your effectiveness like having the lowlifes come at ya.






Of course they'll only attack online. 






Meantime, the blog goes on...it and a companion blog, What A Scam Looks Like (44 posts scheduled to run starting last week and running so far into mid February '15).






Scammers, I've been baiting and abusing your sorry asses for 15 years.  Let's go for 16, shall we?


UPDATE:  The scammers and hackers have been put to flight.  My anti & uncle virus support rid me of the pesky problem I picked up after pissing off Boris Badenov & Co.


Bring it on, scamsters.

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Tuesday, November 25, 2014

HSBC Gots Free Gifts...

Sure they do.


I got this eloquently crafted email notification from HSBC Bank in the UK:




HSBC Holdings plc is a global banking and financial services company  Headquartered in Canary Wharf,London, United Kingdom.[3] As of 2014[update]  It is the world's second-largest banking and financial services group  It has around 7,500 offices in 87 countries and territories Across Africa,
Asia, Europe North America and South America and around 100 million customers.
Congratulation to you today the HSBC bank are celebrating a very big party of  our new organization in {UK} London.
We have sent up 85 different Email ID for this draw and your private email ID was  choose in our micro software engine to receive total sum of 300.000.00 pound.   Please note that this is not a lottery,this is not lottery,this is gift offer amount.
Note that from today you have been selected by the {HSBC BANK} to receive the  amount of (300.000.00 Pound, Three Hundred Thousand Great British Pound Sterling)  You are to take note of your HSBC Reference Ticket Number (90HS62BC) please you are  advised to keep your HSBC reference Ticket number very confidential to your self because is  the key of your amount of 300.000.00 Pound.
Note this gift offer amount is 100% genuine and it has non harm, it has been approved here in london to be legal.
It is 100% guarantee. please do not delete this message, it's sure and confirmed with 100% guarantee. This message  is direct from the HSBC gift offer department, we are sending you this email because you are the truly beneficiary  to receive this gift offer amount of 300,000.00 Pound. Please as soon you receive this message we strongly advised  you from the bottom of our heart on the behalf of the HSBC world bank International to accept this gift offer amount.
Do not delete, we expected you to receive your gift offer amount as fast as possible without any delay.
Please make sure you keep your HSBC Ticket No very very confidentially for your security and safety,do not give to any  third party, keep it because it is useful.HSBC Ticket Number (90HS62BC) You are advise to  send  your full details to the Chief Executive CEO Brian Robertson HSBC Bank Lonon Plc This is to enable the HSBC bank reach you  all © copyright reserve 2014.


 FULL NAME:                
COUNTRY AND ADDRESS:
CONTACT NO:
YOUR RELIGION:
OCCUPATION:
YOUR AGE:
PLEASE MAKE SURE YOU CONTACT THIS EMAIL:
hsbuk@outlook.com
PLEASE MAKE SURE YOU COPY THIS EMAIL AND SEND MESSAGE DIRECT TO THIS :  hsbuk@outlook.com  




Very convincing.


I suspect my edit won't be quite so much so:




Attention
HSBC I'll Tell You What To Hold plc is a global banking and financial services scam of dubious antecedence and genital tongue warts.   They is hindquartered in the ass of a wharfing Canary, London, United Kingdom. [3] As of 2014 [when we up the date, you should up yours too]  It is the world's second-largest banking and financial services scam of dubious antecedence and genital tongue warts known.   It has around 7,500 fly infested internet cafes in 87 jungle clearings around Lagos, Nigeria and around 100 million customers
that it's trying really REALLY hard to fleece.

 Congratulation to you today the HSBC bank collection of dubious antecedents with genital tongue warts are or is celebrating a very big party of  our new organizational scam purportedly being carried out from the ass of a wharfing canary in the {UK} London.  We suppose that there are other Londons here and there, so we had to make sure that we specified the {UK} one so as to not get cornfused with a London in Benin or such.  Being from Nigeria, we know how much it sucks in Benin.

 We have sent up 85 different Email ID for this draw and your primate's email ID was  choose in our micro software engine to receive total sum of 300.000.00 pound of banana.  We congratulate you on having a primate what have a email ID that the primate ain't trashed yet.  We seed the Samsonite commercial and what that primate did to the suitcase.  The unspeakable parts wasn't included we noticed.

Please note that this is not a lottery, this is not lottery, this is not a lottery.  We work in triplicate farms too.  No, this is gift offer amount of 300.000.00 pound of banana.  Daylight come and we want go home.  Come Mr. Tallywhack, whack on our ba-na-na...daylight come and we want go home.

 Note that from today you have been selected by the {HSBC BANK SCAM} to receive the  amount of (300.000.00 Pound Banana Great British Pound Banana).

 You are to take note of your HSBC Reference Ticket Number (90HS62BC) what means jack shit but jack had to do that at least once a day or he blow up and he not even terrorist.  please you are  advised to keep your HSBC reference Ticket number very confidential to your self because if the wharfing canary find out about it, it will take your ticket and shove it up its ass, 'cuz it knows that you won't reach up in there to retrieve it.

Wharfing canary not see what happen in lots of American homes on Thanksgiving morning, me thinks.

Note this gift offer amount is 100% lacking in authenticity and genuineness.  it has non harm, unless 300.000.00 pound banana fall on you.  That make it harm some.  it has been approved here in london to be legal by our board of directums of dubious antecedence and genital tongue warts.  What better assurance you needs than that?

 It is 100% guarantee of dubious outcome.  please do not delete this message, it take us long time to train our primate with our email ID to type this shit. it's sure and confirmed with 100% guarantee of dubious outcome. This message  is direct from the HSBC gift offer department, located in the basement underneath the ass of our wharfing canary. 

We are sending you this email because you are the truly expected to be stupid enough to have a primate with a email ID.  Or we're stupid enough to think you do.

to receive this gift offer amount of 300,000.00 Pound of banana before daylight come and you want go home, Please as soon you receive this message we strongly advised  you from the bottom of our anus on the behalf of the HSBC world bank Scam International to accept this gift offer in the spirit it was sended to you by our dubious antecedent genital tongue warted staff.

 Do not delete, it would hurt our feeling and Debbie Wasserman Schultz -- one of our dubious antecedent genital tongue warted staff -- will call you a racist.  she doesn't know what it means, but we are amused when she opens her mouth.

we expected you to receive your gift offer of banana as fast as possible without any delay.

 Please make sure you keep your HSBC Ticket No very very confidentially away from the ass of our wharfing canary for your security and safety.  We not tell you that our wharfing canary is the size of a pterydactyl. 

You are advise to  send  your full details to the Chief Executive CEO Brian Genital Tongue Wart Robertson HSBC Bank Lonon Plc This is to enable the HSBC bank scam reach you
all © copiedwrawng reserve 2014.

 FULL NAME (We prefer you use yours):                
COUNTRY AND ADDRESS:
CONTACT NO:
YOUR LAST SEXUAL ENCOUNTER WITH AN ORTHRAPOD:
RELIGION OF THE ORTHRAPOD:
OCCUPATION OF THE ORTHRAPOD:
YOUR AGE:
PLEASE MAKE SURE YOU CONTACT THIS EMAIL:
hsbuk@outlook.com
PLEASE MAKE SURE YOU COPY THIS EMAIL AND SEND MESSAGE DIRECT TO THIS :  hsbuk@outlook.com  


I don't know about the 45+ scammers I sent this to, but I do know that the scam originator is not talking to me right now.  He's probably miffed that I outed his having genital tongue warts.

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Saturday, November 22, 2014

Democrats Lost The Edit, Too

Some emails are easier to edit than others.  In the wake of the 2014 mid term shellacking the dumbasscraps received, editing's even more fun.


Take this scam for example:










Hello Dear,

I am Mr. Natan Pang a banker, I have emailed you earlier on without any response from you. In my first email I mentioned about our deceased customer a citizen of your country whose relatives my Bank cannot locate to claim his estate.

I got your address from online directory service and decided to write you. I am asking for your consent so that I can present you to my Bank Management as the next of kin to the late customer account proceeds value ($4,000,000)(Four Million United State Dollars) to be transferred into your account for our mutual benefit.

At the successful transfer of this fund, we shall share the fund on a pro rata based percentage [50% - 50%]. I am compelled to do this because I do not want my Bank to take over the ownership of this fund.

If you are interested and in agreement with me, get back to me quickly and I will send to you all the information you may need to proceed without coming to the Bank, and be rest assured that it is risk free project.

I look forward to your reply.

Yours faithfully,
Mr. Natan Pang
natan_pang@yahoo.co.uk  












Simple, straight forward.  Very unlike the dumbasscraps, as Jonathan Gruber makes clear.  So let's use a selection of them to punch up this edit:












I am Mr. Natan Pang.  I spent a week and 275,000 West African francs thinking up that name.  Don't knock it.

By trade, I'm a collector of grants to research anything that I possibly can.  Last week, I was looking into how methane from Harry Reid could power a Prius for 50,000 miles on one speech.  Right now, I'm researching how Nancy Pelosi's adams apple turns into a cow pie whenever she lies, which is pretty much all the time.  I am seeking a $250k grant from the same architects that brought you an ivy league nincompoop, Jonathan Gruber, and the ObolaCare Compost Hussle.  They bought his lying chicanery, I reckon they'll buy mine.

But when I am expected to be more representative of Debbie Wasserman Schultz's douche sponge, I'm an online banker. 

I have emailed you earlier on without any response from you. This is rude.  At the very least, you could send me a polite f**k off and die response.

Be that as it may...In my first email I mentioned about our diseased customer, Sandra Fluke, who wants her birth control paid for.  Heck, I thought seeing her in or out of bar lighting would save her the need and money for birth control.  Ewww.

Keith Olbermann saw her, and that's why he had a sex change and became Sheila Jackson Lee's genital wart.  

I got your address from Hillary Clinton's Rose Law Firm billing records.  It's where she hides everything from when she was fired from the Watergate investigation to when she was in Bosnia under sniper fire, and right up to how it was really Bill who gave birth to Chelsea and the sexually unspeakable things she was doing with Obola's putter during Benghazi.  

Democraps...they're a weird bunch.  No wonder they lost the 2014 mid terms.

The real reason I am writing to you is because I have no idea, so I'm making this sh** up as Ogun pokes me with a charged cattle prod...I am asking for your consent to shove Ogun's cattle prod up Eric Holder's ass...Valerie Jarrett.  Small wonder Holder's so jacked up.

I would like to present you to my Bank Management as the next of kin to the late customer account proceeds value ($4,000,000)(Four Million United State Dollars) to be transferred into your account so the IRS can pillage your name, accounts and any daughters you might have.

Daughters beat having to settle for goats.

At the successful transfer of this email, I expect the internet world to be amazed and awed at the fact that I didn't misspell one word of this.  See, I just learned English in a DC publk skool last moth, an eye kont weight to ax you wazz up, bleed.  I am compelled to do this because I have painful rectal itch in my sinuses and it makes sneezing really dicey.

If you are interested and have any genuine idea about what the original intent of this email is, please send a transcript of your assessment to MSNBC in care of Rachal Madcow, explaining in 100 words or less why she looks like Ben Afflack.  Get back to me quickly and I will send to you an autographed copy of Katie Couric's book, "Perky My Ass!", signed by Bill Ayers without exploding.  Rest assured that if it had exploded, Katie would be more perkily pissed.  It is risk free project, like researching Joe Bidumb's IQ.

I look forward to your reply.

Yours faithfully,
Mr. Natan Pang
natan_pang@yahoo.co.uk  






No doubt Natan Pang will be a tad nonplused to read this version.  So too the DNC.  At least, those among them who can read.

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