Monday, October 20, 2014

Scarred Wars

May of 1977.  Yep.  I stood in line to see this movie.  Can't remember which theatre any more; not even sure if it's still there.  Just know that we were in line for 3 hours just to get in.

At the time, it was worth it.

And I saw the '80 and '83 sequels.

Again, worth it.

I didn't see the three prequels, so I was spared direct exposure to JarJar Binks.

Almost as bad as ebola, or an obozo speech.

Of course, the whole world knows that George Lucas and Steven Spielberg are at it again, attempting to resurrect the magic with Star Wars VII.

They barely got away with it in Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

They already managed to waylay Han Solo in the process.  I hope obozocare hasn't jacked up his Medicaid too.

As the photo in the top right suggests, it doesn't matter what many of us think about this....we're probably going to see it.

Not sure what we'll see perxactly.  It might look a tad like this.  The three primary heroes, of course:

 At least Harrison still kinda sorta looks like Han Solo.

At least kinda sorta.

But what of the rest of the cast?  My pet rock, Seymour, was speculating on how the rest of the cast might appear today, 32 years after Star Wars VI.  And with Darth Vader dead, who'll take up the villainous slack?

Seymour went out online to find some answers.  And here's what he came up with.  For starters, he found what's passing for the new R2D2 (or so he says):

Somehow, I'm not buying it.

And Seymour insists that Chewbacca has aged remarkably, not to mention has expanded his horizons:

I keep telling Seymour that this is NOT Chewbacca.

"Is TOO!!!"


Even though both Obi-wan and Yoda are both Force-retired, Seymour insists that he's found who Lucas and Spielberg have in mind to replace them:

This, Seymour insists, is the new Yoda....and as for an aging, worn out, rode hard and put away wet Jedi ghost, Seymour insists that this is who Lucas and Spielberg insist upon filling the shoes of Obi-wan:

And I thought Yoda looked old.

Seymour also suggests that Lando Derisionan will make an appearance, as curator of the Cloud City Retirement Home for Jedi Masters:

As for the villains, Seymour says that Lucas and Spielberg found a couple of very fitting villains for Star Wars VII:  

Debbie JarJarhaid Schultz, Mistress of Dark Side Drivel, representing the evil galactic DNC*.  But wait, there's more:

Since Darth Vader is daid, meet the latest and even darker side of the Farce, DNC* style:  Ellie Vader, aka Bela Pelosi, Mistress Of Sucks.

The former Yoda, from deep in Force retirement, is amused not.

Seymour also insists that in Episode VII, Luke Skywalker will have to be very careful in his use of the Force; especially if he's had prunes for breakfast.

Hollyweird has a tendency to push sequels to the point of ludicrous.  Lucas got away with it spectacularly in Star Wars IV, V and VI.  Since I didn't see I - III, I can't say if he's worn out the string.

If Skywalker, Leia Organa and Solo can survive filming of VII, perhaps we'll have an answer on that.

Darkside National Committee, Debbie JarJarhaid Schultz, chairpoison.


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Friday, October 17, 2014

The World Looks In

Periodic checks of the stats are interesting.  Hardly news worthy, but my pet rock Seymour totally flopped on his last scam edit, so it was either this or a re-tread post.

"Did NOT!!!"

When I check my blog stats, it's interesting to see who's looking in and from where.  For the week, after visits from the ol' US of A, visits from the Ukraine are running Number 2.

Must be a lot of Russkie scammers flooding in there at ol' Vlad's urging.  He sure is taking to the old Hitler playbook on trying to reconquer territory that wants no part of him.  It's a pity that the US is currently burdened with the worst fauxtus in history.  Only golf courses and welfare cheats are benefiting from ol' obozo.

After the Ukraine comes France.  Which makes sense; other than appease islamofascists who burn their cars and neighborhoods, what do the French have to do?  Drink wine, eat cheese and catch some rays, y'know.  Oddball knew.

Next up, Russia.  I guess not all of the Russian scammers are flooding into the Ukraine.  Or the lines are so long that they have time to visit from their iphones before crossing the border.

Then comes China.  Which I find interesting.  Must be those posts where my pet rock Seymour edits and makes fun of Kim Jong Un that draw them.

At Number Six is Germany.  Which I suspect is on accounta cuz I've slaughtered a few German woids in my various posts.  Like hundsfott.  Undt flieger schiesse undt schtuff liken dat, ja.

Then comes Poland...not sure why they're looking in, other than to watch for Russian scammers trying to pull a Ukraine there.

After that comes Canada.  I'm sure it has to do with any reference I've made to South Park, and the Canadian stars of that show, Terrence & Phillip, along with Scott the dick.

At Number 9 is Pakistan.  I have no idea why.  I haven't made any references to Charlie Wilson's War, or the movie Short Circuit lately.  And I am not standing here beside myself ala Fisher Stevens.

At the bottom of the Top Ten is the UK.  Which I do appreciate; the Queen is my 26th cousin, thrice removed.  I think I'm the one that got removed, but I digress.

Narrowing it down to a daily check -- and on the chosen day I have a total of 501 visits -- Australia and Belgium snuck in to my Top Ten, edging out Pakistan and the UK. 

Representation from West Africa was light this sampling period, but a lot of Nigerians, Benins, Ivory Coastians and other locations laden with fly-infested internet cafes have been taking note of my jabs and prods at the Nigerian craze on the Illuminumbnuts scams.  They keep trying to use the comments section of my blog for recruitment; I keep taking their recruitment comments and editing them.

My pet rock approves heartily.

My dream of having a visit from someone clearly identified as being in Liechtenstein hasn't happened yet.  But I am hopeful.  Switzerland does drop in now and again...close, but no avalanche.

As for anyone affiliated with isis -- or as our subpar fauxtus insists on calling them, isil -- no visits yet.  My comment section hasn't exploded or been beheaded.  I'm sure one of those camel genital warts will surface sooner or later.  I have a photo of a plate of bacon awaiting them.

Next post:  back to belittling scammers....

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Tuesday, October 14, 2014

Here's Your Toll Road

Yeppers...them pesky Nigerwians is hard at it, cranking out more of them stupid 419 scam ideers, when they're not sitting and picking their backsides for clingers that they eat.

This one's been the rounds before.  It musta worked somewhere somehow, 'cuz they have resurrected it yet again on a mass email spamming.

Low informationers in democrap-miscontrolled bastions of FAIL might fall for it; the rest of most of us just hit *spam* followed by *delete*.

But not me  ;-)  As this one allowed for fun with the template, fun was had therewith:

Today at 12:13 AM


Brought to you from an online scammer Disservice Center near some fly-infested internet café where traffic jams are usually ox carts lined up four in a row, stopped at an army ant crossing 

Dear custoadmer,

Just so's you knowd...we be most dessertedly pissed on you.  Yeah, what that said.

You have not paid for driving on a toll road. You bad.  You vewy, vewy bad.  Let us forget the factoid that you don't has a toll road near you.  Let us forget the factoid that from our fly-infested internet café, we has no ideas what a toll road is.  Let us forgets the factoid that we are stupid and pretty inept Third World email scammers.  Let us most insteadly focustrate on that we managed to email this to you, and thus in a udopian world of fairness, you needs to make hay fever in paying us for your failure to has a toll road to drive in your neighborherd.  Yes, you would rightly guess that we are ACORNs that needed to find some way to scam.  Be that ass it is...this invoice is sent repeatedly in hopes you decide not to be vewy, vewy bad...instead we hope that you is vewy, vewy stupid and believe this bullsh*t email instead of ignoring it like intelligent peoples do, 'cuz they pretty much know when they drived on a toll road.

Meantime, if you are vewy vewy stupid, we urges you to please let us lay a blowjob on your bank account and in the shortest possible time.
(oh heckydarnpoo, the link got stripped..we scammers HATE when that happens; when we finds the sommanabeeyotch what sabatoogied our email scam, we gonna be sooooo pissed off at you!)  

Terms, Definitions, Colonoscopies And Other Weird Sh*t Writed In A Languish We Caint Reads H'yar | Site Map With No Legend, Directions Or GPS Sh*t | Our Complete Lack of Primate Policy On Accounta Cuz We Has Sleeps With One | Our 100% Guaranteed Phishing Policy Totally Meant To PH**K Everyone We Contact Policy l How To Tell Us How To Pound Army Ants Up Our Ass     2014 EXPRESSLY PH**K EWE PASS, a Nigerian 419er scam of dubious antecedence and equally offensive culinary and hygienic habits     

The email address that this allegedly came from was no good, so I had to limit my sharing of it with 50 or so of the scammer's peers and colleagues, along with some friends of mine.  A sibling even let me know that she'd received (and trashed) the same email, and thought mine was an improvement.
That got a pet rock *face palm* from Seymour...

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Friday, October 10, 2014

Spellcaster For Rent

A photobomb or the result of a spell caster?

Take whatever choice you wanna.

Got me an email from one who claims hisself to be a bona fide spell caster.  Makes all sorts of claims as to what his spells can do.

Iffen he has here what you wants, I reckon you can give him a try:

My name is DR OGBAKI from West Africa, am spell caster who help people in problem with their wife or husband or family issues. if you need a right place to solve your problems contact DR OGBAKI SPELL TEMPLE is the right choice. I have been casting spells with years of experience. I cast spells for different purposes like:.

(1) If you want your ex back.
(3) You want to be promoted in your office.
(4) You want women/men to run after you.
(5) If you want a child.
(6) You want to be rich.
(7) You want to tie your husband/wife to be yours forever.
(8) If you need financial assistance.
(9) Herbal care
(10) If you can be able to satisfy your wife sex desire due to low erection.
(11) if your menstruation refuse to come out the day it suppose or over flows.
(12) if your work refuse to pay you, people owing you?.
(13) solve a land issue and get it back.
(14) Did your family Deny you of your right?
(15) Let people obey my words and do my which.
(16) Do you have a low sperm count?
(17) Case solve E.T.C.

Feel free to contact me at or call +2348144882478 and tell him what you need to be solve.

Yours Faithful

My pet rock, Seymour, says I'm about to be turned into a duck billed platymanatee, on accounta what you know's about to happen next.  I think my pet rock's a tad nervous.

Well, let's see what happens when I edit the good doctor's email:

 My name is DR OGBAKI from West Africa, am smell taster who help people by tasting their farts to see what they is eated recent and how they can eats more healthably their wife or husband or family, because incestual cannibalism is all the rage here in West Africa. if you need a right place to go to solve your human sacrifice culinary problems contact DR OGBAKI SMELL TASTER is the right choice. I have been smell tasting farts with years of experience. I smell taste farts for different purposes like:.
(1) If you want your last bowel movement back.
(3) You want to be eating the secretary in your office.
(4) You want sheep and goats to run after you.
(5) If you want a child for lunch.
(6) You want to be eating rich celebrity like Paris Hilton.
(7) You want to tie your husband/wife up and eat on them for several weeks.
(8) If you need culinary cannibal assistance.
(9) If you needs to avoid Herbal care because you prefer non herbal human flesh eats.
(10) If you can be able to satisfy your appetite for your wife when she wants to have sex with one of the goats that chases you now.
(11) if your menstruation refuse to marry your bowel movement the day it suppose.
(12) if your work refuse to pay you for eating your secretary, help you with expense report massaging.
(13) solve a land issue and get title to eat all the peoples on the land you hunger for.
(14) Did your family Deny you of your right to eat them?
(15) Let people obey my words and do my winkee which go good with mustard, onions and ketchup.
(16) Do you have a low sperm count and want teach your sperm to count mores?
(17) Many testimonials penned by peoples I eated...penned of course before I eated them.  They thought I was there to give them foot rub. 
Feel free to contact me at or call +2348144882478 and tell him what you wishes to eats. 

Yours Faithful


Two weeks have gone by and I ain't a duckbilled platymanatee....I think my pet rock lost money on the bet.
"Did NOT!!!" 

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Tuesday, October 7, 2014

Downsized! ALERT: 2014 UPDATE!

In 2006, Pluto got 'downsized' and demoted as a 'planet' in our Solar System.

Someone at NASA was having a bad day of piles or something.

Well...Pluto filed an appeal...and thankfully NOT with the Ninth Short Circuit Court of Appeals of Laughter.

BECAUSE PLUTO WON!  It's a planet again!

In honor of Pluto's victory, I bring you my take on the cosmic injustice done back in '06, with the relieved observation that we now won't have to learn the meaning of "rack ack RACK ACK ACK!":

(originally run 8-25-06).

Downsizing: it ain't just for people anymore.

Personally, I've been downsized twice in my working career; it sucks.

Lots of folks know the drill. Some take it as an opportunity; the rest look at it like I did.

It sucks.

Downsizing usually takes place when economic conditions in a business or industry go in a direction not necessarily associated with good. The business or industry does it to make itself leaner, more competitive, more cost-effective (in theory).

So what happens when the Solar System downsizes? Well, everyone remembers how one solar system downsized when the Death Star smoked the planet Alderon in Star Wars (I, though it was technically IV).

Alderon didn't just get fired; it got the cosmic version of 86ed from the galaxy.

Well, Pluto didn't get destroyed by an alien race of angry bots; it wasn't destroyed in a cataclysmic collision with a rogue asteroid or comet. No...Pluto just got fired. Pluto's job as the 9th planet in our Solar System -- a job that Pluto has held since 1930 -- has been eliminated. Cut. Canned. Outta there.

Clean out the desk, and don't let the Solar System door hit you in the ass on the way out, Pluto.

So goes one story from August 24, 2006.

Another version holds that Pluto wasn't "fired"; it was merely "demoted". From a "classic" planet, to a "dwarf" planet (somewhere, Weird Al Yankovic is rearranging that Randy Newman song with new lyrics: "dwarf planets reason..dwarf planets reason..dwarf planets reason to orb..").

Even the Cosmos Corporation has no milky way of starry kindness.

Funny, how they didn't demote or downsize Pluto's three moons, Charon, Nix and Hydra. How do they feel, suddenly left orbiting a has-been?

Discrimination, sounds like to me.

And who did this, you ask?

A gathering of so-called "leading astronomers", meeting in Prague, Czech Republic. To wit, the International Astronomical Union (IAU) decided that Pluto was not really a "classical planet", in that it lacks the required rules of the IAU to qualify as such: "a celestial body that is in orbit around the sun, has sufficient mass for its self-gravity to overcome rigid body forces so that it assumes a nearly round shape, and has cleared the neighborhood around its orbit" (from an AP report, August 24, 2006).

Pluto is said to not qualify anymore, because it has an orbit that is oblong, causing it to overlap orbitally with Neptune.

I smell celestial bias here. Call Jesse Jackson and the ACLU*.

Actually, one rumor has it that Uranus was involved in a conspiracy with Dick Cheney and Don Rumsfeld. probably has one of their crack(smoking) reporters creating documents on it now, and it is believed that Oliver Stone and Dan Rather will team up with a conspiratorial movie documentary about this in 2008.

Another rumor has it that Neptune -- periodically crossed up by Pluto -- was forever offended by some of the atmospherics in the wake of a Pluto fly-by: it is guesstimated that Pluto has a significant amount of methane both on its surface and in its atmosphere.

Translation: Pluto farts. Neptune was tired of it.

Petty vindictiveness, since Neptune is rumored to have plenty of methane of its own. But as we all know, our own farts don't stink; it's always someone elses'. Lessons from countless elevator rides, but I digress.

All cosmic pranks and Georgeak Carlinoid stand up routines aside, this decision by the 25oo member IAU does pose a rather delicate problem: in January, 2006, the New Horizons spacecraft was launched specifically to get the first true, close-up look at our 9th planet.

A planet that just got fired/demoted. And, quite possibly, farts.

As the spacecraft isn't scheduled to arrive until 2015, what to do? Allow Pluto's ego to be assuaged by going ahead and checking it out, risking further ire from Uranus, Neptune, and their Earth-bound conspiracy freaks? Or send a radio command to the probe, telling it "oh, we're not going there", and re-directing it to something else deemed more worthy of Kodak moments from nine and a half years away?

And what if the New Horizons probe isn't equipped with olfactory protection? Hundreds of millions of dollars worth of space research equipment suddenly goes belly up in zero gravity, as it catches a whiff of what Neptune found so offensive.

And Earth-bound bean counters bitch about $600 Pentagon toilet seats.

I dunno, folks. Should we start a campaign? Write our congresspersons of dubious antecedence and worse campaign ads, and demand that Pluto be restored to its rightful place at the cosmic depth chart? Demand that this IAU collection of Einstein/Carl Sagan wannabes just bite us and go look for some Earth-bound asteroids?

Or do we send a collective 'bird' to Pluto?

Just remember: if that space probe does find something unique about Pluto -- like it's inhabited with life forms similar to those in Mars Attacks! that created the methane, and are really pissed about our demoting/downsizing them -- we'll only have nine and a half years or less to come up with an "we really didn't mean it" line.

Or learn what "ack RACK ack!" means.

*Astronomical Celestial Liberties Union...don't ask me for the mailing address...

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Sunday, October 5, 2014

The More You Illuminazi, The More You Runs Into Flieger Schiesse

Nigerian Illuminazis can be so siwwy.  Especiawwy as it gets cwoser to Halloween.

And they keep posting siwwy endorsements in the comments section of my blog.  Like they really think they're going to recruit scammable people from there.

Siwwy wabbits.

Take the latest comment endorsement from the latest round of siwwy Illminazis:

Are you an Intern, Scholar, Leader, or Person with notable/celebrated Talent or Resources?

1st step to a “Mutually Beneficial Relationship” would be to have you
ALREADY(1) in place within Organizations we have an interest in.
is the dissemination point for Initiates of the Outer Head of the
Order, and for analyzing response to our more visible existence.

do not accept any sort of "Application" from the Public, however we do
take note of individuals who are adequately interested in our "work"
enough seek active involvement in anything we have interest in.

are made to a global Network about individuals with a certain interest
in illuminism, a certain character and nature, and the efforts made in
their Business and Personal Affairs.

If you are interested in the
evolution of Mankind and a "mutually beneficial" future, we may be
interested in working with you get in contact with us through this


At least this time they made no passing mention of sacrifices or any some such.  Not to worry though; my edit will take care of it:

Are you into animal sodomy?

The 1st step to a “Mutually Beneficial Relationship” would be to have you
ALREADY(1) in place within Organizations we have an interest in, all of which
involve animal sodomy and genital sacrifice.

We of the Odor Of The Great Illuminippleheads Temple Of Babble is the dissemination point for Initiates of the Outer Head of the Order, and for analyzing response to our more visible existence.  And yes, none of us wrote that because most of the words here is unfamiliar.

We do not accept any sort of "Application" from people who have normal heterosexual sex;  however we do take note of individuals who are adequately interested in our "work"  of sodomizing animals to seek active involvement in anything we have interest in.  Like oral sex with piranha.

Referrals are made to a global Network about individuals with a certain interest in animal sodomy, and a person with no character whatsoever is welcome.

If you are interested in the evolution of animal sodomy and a "mutually beneficial" future, we may be



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Thursday, October 2, 2014

The Edit Left Her Speechless

This could be the reason that Miss Joy Emma is speechless.

After all, she sent me the exact same scam to three different email addresses.

She'd be a good Super Walmart shopper, buying 60 rolls of toilet paper at once, without knowing what it was.

Funny wheels for carts, maybe.

Anyway, here's what she sent me x 3:

Dearest in Christ,

I am Sister Joy Emma. from KUWAIT, I am married to Chief kamson Emma. He worked with KUWAIT embassy in Ivory Coast for nine years before he died in the year 2006 April 26. We were married for eleven years without a child. He died after a brief illness that lasted for only four days.

When my late Husband was alive he deposited the sum of $5,000,000.00 (Five million U.S. Dollars)in a Bank on my name as beneficiary of the fund here in Abidjan. Recently, my Doctor told me that I would not last for the next Eight months due to cancer problem. The one that disturbs me most is my stroke sickness.
Nobody will ever come because the certificate of deposit are never available to any body except the depositor or me.I will be looking forward to your indication of interest so that we can proceed with the process of claiming the funds with the below information I will like you send to me:

Your Full Name................................
Tel & Fax No........................................
A copy of your int'l passport or ID card............

Having known my condition I decided to donate this fund to a church that will utilize this money the way I am going to instruct herein. I want you to use this fund for orphanages, widows, propagating the word of God and to endeavour that the house of God is maintained. The Bible made us to understand that “Blessed is the hand that” giveth”. I took this decision because I don’t have any child that will inherit this money and many of relatives are not Christians and I don’t want my our efforts to be used by unbelievers. I don’t want a situation where this money
will be used in an ungodly way. This is why I am taking this decision.

I am not afraid of death hence I know where I am going. I know that I am going to be in the bosom of the Lord. Exodus 14 VS 14 says that “the lord will fight my case and I shall hold my peace”. I don’t need any telephone communication in this regard because of my health hence the presence of my husband’s relatives around me always. Whoever that Wants to serve the Lord must serve him in spirit and Truth. Hoping to receive your reply.

Yours in Christ,

Sister Joy Emma.  

My edit went back to her in triplicate as well:

Dearest in Heat,

I am Sister Joy Emma. from KUWAIT.  I first sent this email out about 9 years ago, when I was then married to the cannibal and reborn goat sodomizer Chief kamson Emma. He worked with KUWAIT embassy in Ivory Coast for nine years before he died in the year 2004 of trying to treat painful rectal itch with a Brillo pad.

We were married for eleven years without a child. You don't require a degree in rocket science to figure out why.

I am sending out again because I am counting on people who've never received this before to not be told by people who have received it before that I am already dead and that this is a robo-send by the first robotic fly-infested internet café in Lagos, Nigeria, where a cost-benefits analysis was recently completed and the handlers there decided that robotic scammers would be cheaper to use than real low life pieces of crap like heretofore.

Non sequitur...your facts are uncoordinated.  Dammit, I hate when one of my servers does that.  But I digress.
When my late Husband was alive he was frequently found wandering in the jungle, sticking his digit in knot holes, mistaking them for the back end of ready and willing goats.  See my second paragraph.
9 years ago, and then again recently because this talking point has not been updated, my Doctor told me that I would not last for the next Eight months due to cancer problem.  Granted, it's not the problem that the genital warts in my sinuses are.  Probably of more immediacy to my condition and the one that disturbs me most is the penile-looking polyp that's developed out of my right ear.  The nurses here are all calling me a dickhead and this most annoying.
I think that this talking point is failing in winning me sympathy from recipients.  See, I was right:  I just got an email from someone in Liechtenstein that called me a dickhead too.  Schweinhundt.
Having known my condition, a doctor sent it to, and now I am learned that I'll be a page of their 2015 calendar.  
My fifteen minutes of fame isn't working out like the Kardashians.  
I decided to donate this email to a church that will utilize this email the way I am going to instruct herein. I want you to use this email as toilet paper for orgasms, windows, propagating flatulence, and to endeavour that the house of chili cheese fries is maintained. The Greater Editor of The Talking Point made us to understand that “Blessed is the hand that whacketh Mr. Happy". I took this to mean that our Great Editor of the Talking Point was a masturbator and pretty bored with actually working for a living.  Turned out I was right.
Don't shake hands with him if you ever meet.  Just saying.
Whatever else you do with this email of mine,  I don’t want my our efforts at grammar and editing to be used by unbelievers to swat flying toasters in a meth-induced Broadway fantasy show starring Justin Bieber.  He's a twit.  They have to use Rachal Madcow; she's more of a man than he is. 
This is why I am taking this decision.  And fitting it with a catheter.

I am not afraid of death because of my sinus genital warts.  I know that I am going to be in the bosom of a yak named Andreyev.  I don’t need any telephone communication in this regard because I can't keep a straight face after hearing a school bus driver laugh on a YouTube video.  Whoever that Wants to serve the Lord must have one helluvan overhand serve and backhand volley.  

Hoping to receive your reply even though I died 9 years ago and have since been scamming under the name of Achmed the Bedheaded TerrorLisp.  My parents were commenting the other day on how we blow up so fast now in ISIS.  Which explains why only part of me is sending you this.

Sister Joy Emma.
And ya know, she had nothing to say to any of the three...

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Monday, September 29, 2014

It's All In The Execution

The best laid plans are fine.  What separates them from success is the execution.  Something my character made the focal point of this latest scambait.

A friend received this, and rather than poopcan it like any reasoned, rational person, she did one better:  she thought of me.

I'm not sure how I should take that.

But I did take this.  And here's how it went.  We'll start by meeting Jim McCullar, or a Third World piss poor facsimile of same.  And meet his opening scambit:

Dear Friend, 

I am Mr Jim McCullar I am a native of Idaho, United State Of America, Carolyn my wife and I have decided to make sure this is put on the internet for the world to see as you could see from the web page sent to you in our first mail, I may not know you, but I believe if you receive my first email and respond back meaning you were chosen by God to receive my donation of [$2,000,000.00 USD] you must be a God fearing individual, I am a Christian and I believe that Good things happens to good people like you who had the mind to respond back to my mail.
 I am Mr Jim McCullar the mega winner of $190 Million Dollars Jackpot in Washington, WATCH US NOW:
You see after taken care of the needs of our immediate family members, we decided to donate the remaining of the fund to other individuals around the world in need, the local fire department, the Red Cross, Haiti, hospitals and some other organizations in Asia and Europe that fight cancer, I would love to introduce my self more and also show you picture of me and my family but firstly I want to hear from you if my gift of [$2,000,000.00 USD] is accepted by you before I proceed. Send me the below details to show that you accept my gift.

PHONE NUMBER:....         
Thank you for accepting our offer, we are indeed grateful We anticipate your earliest response.   

 I select my alter-Igor -- Jack N. Ewehoff -- to be the lucky respondent and he does so.  To Jim McCullar's almost glee.

It must be pretty slow around that particular fly-infested internet café.

Anyway, from Jim I move on to being contacted by Jim's bank, the Hsbc Bank in the UK.  And here's how that began:


Registered in England.
Registered No: 1026167Q
Registered Office:
Canada Square LONDON, ENG E14 5HQ United Kingdom

Dear Esteemed Customer: Jack N. Ewehoff,

Compliment of the day to you from HSBC Holdings Plc, United Kingdom. Britain finest and concise online banking institution with a global perspective. Our unique service trend in the European and world market speaks volume of how we hold our greatest assets (customers) in high regards.Our affiliation with the Santander group makes us a leading financial stronghold. There are a whole lot of services and products that we offer which in the long run is a far higher edge than our contemporaries in the financial market, this is why even in the face of the current financial distress pervading world market we are way ahead and still waxing stronger in financial circles.
We have confirm the instructions from the Mr Jim McCullar, instructing us to immediately open an online temporal debit account in your name; and transfer your approved grant funds of $2,000,000USD = £1,289,158.18 GBP from their personal foundation account to you via permission within the next Three (3) working days from the Cheque that was submitted to us, Our on-line temporal account opening will enable us to immediately make any further transfer of your payment funds to your designated personal bank account in your country.

As a Non-Resident of the UNITED KINGDOM, you are required to set up a Non-Resident Online/Offshore account with our Bank. This online/offshore account will be set up in your name by our Bank HSBC Holdings Plc.) As soon as you meet up to our corporate policy, you will have your account setup.

New Customer applying for Online Account & Transfer Fill and Return the below Manual Account Opening Form.

Manual Account Opening Form
Reference: International Application ID no:
Do you want an account with HSBC BANK:
First Name:
Last Name:
Date of Birth:
Office Tel:
Account type:
Initial Deposit of Account:
Date of payment:
NEW CUSTOMER COMPLETE REG: ****************************************************************************
IMPORTANT NOTICE: Read the below carefully before attempting to fill out the Account you would want us to open for you
All account types requires an initial deposit by customers before account can be setup, Note this deposit is the cash needed to setup your account and will be deposited into your newly setup account after it has been opened by the HSBC HOLDINGS PLC.
Please kindly read the below account and select your affordable account choice with initial deposit.
1. PERSONAL ACCOUNT: This type of account requires a minimum initial deposit of £448.00 GBP equivalent to $670.00 USD (Six Hundred And Seventy USD), this amount is required to set-up your new account to a fully operational account. The maximum transfer possible within a month with this Account is £7,000,000.00 (Seven million pounds) within one month or the equivalent amount in another currency; and with this account you can apply for a gold membership credit card after a good business relationship of one year minimum.

2. CORPORATE ACCOUNT: This is a daily business account and the initial opening deposit is £501.00 GBP equivalent to $750.00 USD (Seven Hundred and Fifty USD) this amount is required to set-up your new account to a fully operational account. The maximum transfer possible within a month with this Account is £15,000,000.00 (Fifteen million pounds) or the equivalent amount in another currency; and with this account you can apply for a gold membership credit card after a good business relationship of five months minimum.

3. PLATINUM ACCOUNT: This is a daily personal and business account and the initial opening deposit is £568.739 GBP equivalent to $850.00 USD (Eight Hundred And Fifty USD) this amount is required is to set-up your new account to a fully operational account. The maximum transfer possible within a month is unlimited; and with this account you can apply for a gold membership credit card after a good business relationship of three months minimum.
Please Note: That your funds is protected by a hardcover insurance policy, which makes it impossible to deduct any amount from the funds in bank draft before its been remitted to you. This means that the above charges for opening an account cannot be deducted from the funds and hence must be provided by you before your funds can take effect for transfer. You are strictly advice to choose an account type listed above and we shall instruct you to make the payment upon the opening balance kindly fill and return the online account form below. This amount is refundable upon request if you decide to close your account. As soon as your account is set up, you will have an account number and an access code with which you can access your account through our online facilities from your home which will also enable you check your account balance and also make transfer to any account in the world.
On receipt of the information, you shall be educated on the process mastered to facilitate this transaction in the earliest. For more info please call +(44) 702-4071-228

Thank you for your patronage.
+(44) 702-4071-228
+(44) 741-8378-178
Hsbc Bank Plc 
Registered in England.

Registered No: 1026167Q

Registered Office:Canada Square LONDON, ENG E14 5HQ United Kingdom.  
Naturally, Jack is quick to comply with the information requested, knowing that eventually, what it's going to cost Jack to open the account to (not) get the money promised, will be communicated.   And that comes shortly thereafter, with Jack -- of course -- choosing the Platinum Account option, which requires that Jack send to the upcoming designee $850 USD:
Dear Valued Customer: Jack N. Ewehoff,
Thanks for getting back to us, without much ado, you are to be notified on brief that the services we are to render to you are in accordance with the WORLD BANK. You must be fully aware that you are to read carefully to your understanding.

The PLATINUM  ACCOUNT OPENING (P.A.O) is to be paid before we can activate an account for you, before you will be able to transfer your sum funds into your domestic bank account in Central City  CO, USA. Because your $2,000.000.00 USD is covered with an insurance cover separately BONDED, NON- DIVISIBLE, NON -NEGOTIABLE, that is why we cannot be allowed to make any deductions from it. It is also separately authenticated and cannot be deducted until it is fully transferred to you to avoid terrorism.
Be assured that in line with our principles of efficiency, transparency and customer satisfaction, we will handle all transfer operations with the highest level of professionalism and discretion to ensure you receive your $2,000.000.00 USD within the shortest possible time. You will only have to follow instructions as stated above and accordingly as all procedures are meant to protect clients and to avoid cases of misappropriation and mishandling of your fund.
After reading this message, and know how much you are to pay to enable us activate an account with your details you have provided, you are to go straight to any 'WESTERN UNION OR MONEY GRAM' close to you and effect the payment of $850.00 USD to enable us activate the account in the next 2 hours.
Here is the information you are to go with to Western Union or Money Gram and effect the payment.
RECEIVER'S NAME : Mrs Teresa Peralez
RECEIVER'S COUNTRY: United States of America.
After you have made the payment for the PLATINUM ACCOUNT ACTIVATION, Western Union/Money Gram will issue you the payment slip and you are required to send us the below information from the payment slip to this office for confirmation.
As soon as your PLATINUM ACCOUNT ACTIVATION FEE is been confirmed by our account officer there in USA, we shall Commence with the opening of the account to enable you transfer your funds without any form of delay. Have it in mind that your $2,000.000.00 USD will get to you without any delay, we the HSBC BANK have faith and confident, so we shall abide to the rules of our services. 
Thank you for your patronage. 
Isn't it nice of them to be worried about things like terrorism and such?  Scammers worried about terrorism.  Ya gotta love it.
Jack also likes the touch of having the money look like it's being sent to someone in the US.  I'm sure that a bank in the UK requires fees be paid to someone in New Mexico every day.
In Scamland.
Well, while casting about for how to spring the *SPROING* that Jack and his compatriots find a way to spring, I was listening to the news....and thereon it spoke of Missouri having executed another scumbag of society.
*TOING*  Jack found his *SPROING*, and began to work it into all of his responses.  For instance to Antonio Simoes -- who I call "Schmoe" without him apparently noticing -- goes this:
I thank you for this very detailed instruction.  Let me assure you that I have read well the contents therein, and am prepared to execute them to the last letter, and as soon as possible.  
This gets Jim/Hsbc/Schmoe all atwitter with anticipation:
Hello my beloved Jack, please see below is the email i have received from the bank as they await you to respond to them on time to enable them proceed with the platinum account opening.
God Bless,  
I expect that blessing to go south very soonest.

Now we get down to what Rooster Cogburn referred to as "the rat killing", and here's how it played:
Thanks for getting back to us, without much ado, you are to inform us on the exact time you are to effect the payment for the PLATINUM ACCOUNT  opening, to enable us get set on activating the account soon as we have confirmed your payment by tomorrow Thursday as you have stated in your previous email.  

Not to worry sir.  The transfer will be executed by me on Thursday.  I shall advise you upon completion of that execution.  
And on that appointed Thursday morning, Jack dispatches this:
The transfer has been executed as I promised.  
Hello Mr Jack, please you are to revert back to us with the payment details to enable us confirm your payment before we can be able to proceed with your account activation.




Immediately we have receive this informations from you will quickly confirm it and start the processing of your Platinum Account for you to complete your transfer.

Antonio Simoes.  

 Revert what?  Revert this:  I have executed your instructions to the last letter.  Let's now get this show on the road. 
My beloved Jack, to my understanding, it is very necessary that you provide the payment confirmations to the bank for their own observations. This is what Mr Simoes is requesting from you before they can complete their service to you with immediate effect.  Quickly attend to them so that they will proceed on time, and also do send me the payment details for my own witness.

God Bless,
Rest assured Jim that I have executed their instructions to the letter.  
  Hello Mr Jack, please you are to revert back to us with the payment details to enable us confirm your payment before we can be able to proceed with your account activation.  We are not understand the delay.   
 As I told you, I have executed your instructions to the last letter.  I would think this would be clear.  The execution was in no way delayed.  It is done.   
Dear Esteemed Customer: Jack, 
I am not sure I understand your meaning sir, please explain what you mean?  
I realize that I'm not being clear here:  I have executed Antonio's instructions to the last letter.  I had them shot at dawn.  Now, shooting instructions to the last letter might sound a bit crass...but there are so many forms of execution of instructions that I simply had to make a reasoned, rational choice soonest.  Hanging your instructions was so 19th Century.  Beheading your instructions has been made unpopular by those isis douche nozzles.  Electrocuting your instructions adds to my utility bill...not an option.  There were some medieval methods I could have used, but I don't have any of those devices at my disposal.  So I felt that a firing squad for your instructions was truly the least expensive, most humane way to go.  Lethal injection, as you might know, has not worked so well lately...I didn't want your instructions left flopping around like a carp on a hot sidewalk. 

Now that we're clear here, when do I get my money?  Mr. Jim seems really adamant about me getting it.  Probably moreso now than heretofore.  My friend still wants her nails done.  
This draws nothing further from Schmoe; from Jimbo Jack got a reply with no text.  Jack suspects that someone's pretty butt hurt here:
Gee, you guys sure went silent in a hurry.  Jimmah, what good is an empty email?  It's like S. Z. Sakall saying "der goes an empty horse hmpf!".  Did I hurt your feewings?  
Sadly, that was the last I would hear from Jimbo, Schmoe and Hsbc bank.  My friend will apparently have to pay for her own nails....


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