Friday, March 27, 2015

Das Gooble Deutchen Undt Schtuff

I've won another online lottery.  I think.

The award letter came mostly in Deutche sprechen, so I'm not totally sure.  Yes, I did take it to teh Gooble translooter to see vhat das fokke vuz uppensee, and that's vhat it suggested.

I win again.

Just once, it'd be nice to be real LOL.

Here's a piece of vhat it sez:

                                 GOOGLE UK LTD,
                                       1-13 ST GILES HIGH STREET,
                                                LONDON WC2H 8AG,
                                                           UNITED KINGDOM   
Wir freuen uns, Ihnen noch einmal gratulieren zu dieser Notiz, die Teil unserer glьcklichen Gewinner ausgewдhlt diesem Jahr. Diese Aktion wurde im Anschluss an die aktive Nutzung des Google-Suchmaschine und im Google-Hilfsdienste anzukurbeln. Daher machen wir mit Ihren Preis zu gewinnen glauben, werden Sie weiterhin aktiv zu sein und Schirmherrschaft fьr dieses Unternehmen. Google ist heute der weltweit fьhrende Suchmaschine weltweit und in dem Bestreben, sicherzustellen, dass sie die am weitesten verbreitete Suchmaschinen bleibt, ein Online-E-Mail Stimmabgabe aus wurde am 05/02/2015 ohne Ihr Wissen ausgefьhrt wurde offiziell freigegeben am 14/03/2015. Wir mцchten Ihnen fцrmlich mitteilen, dass Ihre E-Mail-Adresse zu einem Pauschalbetrag von Ђ615 , 81000  
Wir mцchten Ihnen mitteilen, dass Sie erfolgreich den Anforderungen, den gesetzlichen Auflagen, Ьberprьfungen und unsere zufriedenstellenden Bericht Test fьr alle unsere Online-Gewinner durchgefьhrt weitergegeben.   
Vas ist los?
After visiting teh Gooble translooter, I know vas ist los....any connection midde fact undt reality undt schtuff.
Still, an edit seemed appropriate.  Not one I'd transloot into sprechen once it was writ; nah...let's just leave it in the vernacular that I edited it...slumgullion:
********************************************************************************************************We are pleased to once again constipate you on this nert that part of our glockenspiel undt schtuff vinner this year. This action was to stimulate the ingrown clitoris of our internet service provider, Fraulein Blucher*, and get us some sex toys in this boring office. Therefore, we do believe with your vinning prize -- an all expense paid trip to Tikrit, Iraq, to war with those ISIS bastards -- you will continue to be active until or unless you is killed, in which case the glockenspiel undt schtuff that you von vill be null and voided undt redistributed elfware.  Gooble is the world's fartphignewton and in an effort to ensure that it doesn't change it's cyber underwear, an online e-mail from Hillary Clinton's primate server has been sent midde out your knowledge on 05.03.2015, and vill soon be in das hands of Trey Gowdy and ze Haus Benghazi Committee.  We munchen firmmen undt hundsfott das vienerschnitzel also midde out your knowledge on 14/03 / 2015th, vhich ain't happen yettensee.   We mцchten notified fцrmlich that your e-mail address ist kaput undt ist todt.  Das is flieger schiesse das vay it meaned to be.
We mцchten inform you that you have successfully passed douchenozzle undt jackvagon for all our online vinners the requirements, statutarily obliques, undt berprьfungen -- vhatever das fokke dat vord is -- and our satisfactory report Testicles.
A vinning check in marks vill be issued in your name by Gooble Proctoscopic team, and also a certificate suitable fer hangingk on das vall in Hillary's cell vunce she ist arrested undt jailed fer das email kerfuffle midde Department of Schtate.  Assert Information required from you part of our precautionary measure to enhance, indeed, velcome  double and unwarranted abuse of this program.
To vin your prize, please provide the means of our schweinhundt staff member Transfer Manager Cole Mason are correct, gefallen undt kaput midde spitzen sparken undt schtuff.  
Please vollstдndige Ьberprьfung and don't not pee on the release form
(1) vollsgenitalwanker ...............................(2) volksvagen sodomizen das tail pipen ........................................(3) Numbers (vun, du, sigh, dry, fier, fin, fokke undt voforthen)............................................ ...(4) Mobile (see das volksvagen #du) .............................................. ........(5) Vhere das fokk ist vu .....................................(6) Professional, amateur or das rookie .............................................. ..........(7) Last time you have sex undt vhat with .........................................(8) Age .............................................. ...........(9) ever von a trip to Tikrit to fight ISIS islamofascist asswipes before? .............(10) If yes, vas it midde your mutter in law? ..........
These are your avard details.
Security Code Number: WT / F / 41575MeinGott
Ticket No .: WT / F / 666/00/2016
Vinning numbers: WTF / 202/647/5291

Midde loads undt schiesse, MASON COLE



Call: +44703598 3103
Mr. Larry PageCEO & Vienerschnitzel tester*************Mr. Eric E. SchmidtExecutive Toilet Seat Schniffer*************Mr. Nikesh AroraChief Bustinnuttzen Officer
Your contribution will be used to improve translation quality and may be shown to users anonymously
Thank you for your submission.
 Das email vus zent via Hillary Clinton's primate email zerver undt her own perzonal flieger zervice, Broomsticks Luftwaffe.
Since Hill is so prominently mentioned herein, I saw to it that my character cced her in the'll probably wind up joining 30,000 other emails of hers...

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Tuesday, March 24, 2015

Scams, Buses, Email Servers

I reckon it's on accounta cuz Ms Serena Baturi -- referenced in the last post -- has sent out so many emails, she simply cannot keep track of them all.

But she DID get back to my one character with the 'very important thing' she wanted to tell me.

And h'yar it is:

How is your day? Like you know, I am living in the refugee camp here in Dakar-Senegal. In this camp, its just like one staying in the prison and I hope by God's grace, I will come out here soon. I don't have any relatives now whom I can go to as all my relatives ran away in the middle of the war.    The only person I have now is Rev. Jude Agai who is the pastor of ( Christ Gospel Mission ) here in the camp, he has been very nice to me since I came here but I am not living with him rather I live in the females hostel  because the camp has two hostels one for men the other for women.    Please try to call by 12 GMT with The Pastor's Telephone number is: (+221-763-980-238), when you call, tell him that you want to speak with me, so that he will send for me in the hostel. Please call me today, I will love to hear your voice.
As a refugee here, I don't have any right or privilege to anything be it money or whatever because it is against the law of  this country. I want to go back to my studies because i only attended  my first year before the tragic incident that led to the death  of my parents took place.
Please listen to this, I have my late father's statement of account and death certificate here with me which I will send to you later, because when he was alive he deposited some amount of money in a leading bank, which he used my name as the next of kin, the amount is $3.9M ( Three Million Nine Hundred Thousand US Dollars ). So I will like you to help me transfer this money to your account and from there you can send some money for me to get my travelling documents and air ticket to come over to meet with you.    I kept this secret to people in the camp here the only person  that knows about it is the Reverend because he is like a father  to me. So in the light of above I will like you to keep it to yourself and don't tell it to anyone for I am afraid of loosing my life and the money if people gets to know about it. Please I will like you to send me all the under-mentioned particulars, for me to know you more, and know whom I am dealing with.    Below here is what I need from  you so that I can Forward it  to the bank to start the processing of transfer  procedures with you as my representative :
(1) Full name
(2) country of residence & city
(3) phone number
Remember, I am giving you all this information due to the trust I reposed in you. I love you because you are an honest and understanding person.You are truthful, full of vision and a hardworking person. Thanks for your sweet regards for me. You are a nice person, I love to meet you very soon. I will like you to call me, call around 2pm GMT. I want to hear your voice ok.
Have a nice day and think about me.
Awaiting to hear from you soonest.  

All that hokum about my character being a nice guy and all...she should have speaks with a recent ex-friend, but I digress. 

At any rate, I sensed another edit...and one that I just KNOW the DNC is gonna love:

Like you know, I am living like a refugee even as Tom Petty sez I doesn't has to.  Here in Dakar-Senegal, we has all the comforts of home after a group of us helped loot Ferguson, Missouri; Al Sharpton arranged a bus for us there, and a bus with a big U-Haul trailer for our loot, back home.  He got some money from companies that are afraid to call him a douche nozzle jackwagon race baiting, tax cheating crook, which he is.  It was luverly.  We're hoping for some more riots in your country, so we can get the new play stations and games for free.  Got me six I do like the life of a refugee, Senegal and DNC style.  But I digress.

In this camp, its just like one living the dream and I hope by God's grace, I will have title to the luxury condo I'm living in.  I only have to has sleeps with about two more platoons of the local UN rapekeeping farce here to achieve that.  I don't have any relatives now whom can sponge off me, since they all got collected up by Boko Harumphf and now they dig latrines, peel potatoes, police up butts -- without toilet paper, I not sure I like that last -- while I live in splendor here.  It's good to be a low information dependent of the DNC.

The only person I have now is Rev. Jude Agai who is the pastor of ( Christ Gospel Mission ) here in the camp, but the DNC sez I don't have to put up with Christians, so we're having him traded for a Jehovah Witness-turned-atheist, who goes around and knocks on doors for no reason.  Pretty strange, some of them in the DNC.  Well okay, most of them.

Please try to call by 12 CUT with The Pastor's Telephone number: (+221-763-980-238); while he's out speechifying to goats, I can use up minutes on his phone, rather than on my six.  Pretty smart, huh?  Please call me only during day time, as I am entertaining UN rapekeepers at night.  

As a refugee here -- supported by the DNC -- I can do whatever I want, so's long as I am available to be bussed to made up protests and "fomented crisis of moment for msnbc to fan flames of", whatever that mean.  I once wanted to go back to my studies because i only attended  my first year before the tragic incident that led to my having to get a real job, but an Al Sharpton-staged riot burned down and looted the business, so now I'm back on the DNC dole again and it feel so good.  

Please listen to this, it from the talking points I get from Jen Psaki and Marie Harf, both wenches of dubious antecedence and practically no brains outside of what they read from talking points memos like this one:  I have my late father's statement of account and death certificate here with me which I will send to you later, because when he was alive he deposited some amount of money in a leading bank, which he used my name as the next of kin, the amount is $3.9M ( Three Million Nine Hundred Thousand Canadian dollars, all in Spocked $5 bills). So I will like you to help me transfer this money to your account so I can hide it from DNC and stay on dole 'cuz I like wealth redistribution democrap style.  Letting others work for me and I get their taxes gived to me is awesome.  It assures that I'll vote for the democraps at least 100 times in 2016.

I kept this secret to people in the camp here the only person  that knows about it is the Reverend and he isn't talking because I has a picture of him leaving a Motel 6 with an inflatable llama and Nancy Pelosi at 3am one morning.  So in the light of above I will like you to keep it to yourself and don't tell it to anyone for I am afraid of loosing my easy life as a entitlement dependent and on-call rioter/looter for Sharpton's Racebaiters Syndicate. 

In fact, I want you to destroy this email and the server it's on.  Or better still, give it to Hillary Clintard to do it.  She good at hiding and losing things I hear.

Remember, I am giving you all this information due to the fact I am assured you don't work for Trey Gowdy. I love you because this talking points memo said I'm supposed to say that, even if what I really love is a three puckered goat named Harry that looks just like that wrinkled prune from Nevada.  

Awaiting to hear from you -- and not a subpoena from the House Ethics Committee -- soonest.
Whether this stops Serena Baturi from further considering my character a 'nice guy' or not is subject to future debate; I can guarantee that I'll be getting no invites to the DNC anytime soon.
Couldn't attend any of their functions without having my pockets picked, anyway.

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Saturday, March 21, 2015

Internet Love (Scam) Gone Editing Wrong

Meet who my email character is supposed to believe is Serena Baturi, a 23 year old refugee from the Ivory Coast, living in another one of those non-existent refugee camps in Dakar, Senegal.

Ignoring Tom Petty, she claims to live like a refugee, while having most likely millions in the bank, somewhere.

Uh huh.

Here's her opening and follow up ploys:

I Am Interested in you,
My name is Serena, I am very glad to view your profile today, please I want you to contact me through my email ID because I have a Very Important thing to tell you.
I will be expecting your mail.

Just so we're clear here -- as an ex-friend liked to say while being vague and incommunicative as could be -- Serena sent this to FOUR of my email accounts; three of which are dedicated to playing with scammers just like her.  So from one, my character responded simply with a "tell me more" email.  And she did:

Hello my sweetlove,
How is everything? I know it's all good. I am excited to read from you today. My dear as I told you in my last mail, My name is serena Baturi, an Ivorian in West Africa.Presently I am residing in the refugee camp here in Dakar Senegal, as a result of the civil war going on in my country.  I am a beautiful loving young girl of 23 years, about 5'8" tall. slim fit, weighing about 60kg. My father Late Hon. Humphrey Baturi was a successful businessman, he deals on Gold and Diamond before the rebels attacked our house one evening and kill him with my mother and my only brother. I'm the only one alive from the family.  By the grace of God I made my way to a nearby country where I'm  presently living as a refugee.My dear, I came in the site to search for love and care  which I have not gotten for a very long  time since I lost my family members.  I here by believe that in time to come you will be my side and I will show you unreserved love and respect through out my time .    Dear, I want to know more about you, your real name, Your  real country, your occupation, your age your hobbies and what you are doing presently.    My hobbies are swimming, dancing, singing, cooking, reading, sports and watching movies.   As for me, i have a lot and VERY IMPORTANT thing to tell you in my next mail, maybe before then i will try to get our Rev phone number to give you so you can call for us to talk and hear each others voice.   And please also remember that in a any good relationship ''Distance or Age '' dose not matters, what matters is how you care about ache other , so please bear with me for the distance and age.   I have attached my pictures here for you to know me very well. In my next mail I will tell you more about  myself.
I wait your reply with impatience.

The "VERY IMPORTANT thing" she was to tell me next will probably not get told now...on accounta cuz my character took the above email and edited it, both in text and photos:

On Friday, March 13, 2015 3:33 AM, Serenan Baturi <> decomposed while shooing fruit flies away from her petrified cherry with a waffle iron:
Hello my sweet dupe,

I start by askage "how is everything?"  Personally, I doesn't not care how is everythings with you, because you are jackwagon asshat that gots moneys I want.  But I not sez that heres, okay?  Insteads I sez that I know it's all good.

I got so excited I projectile wets myself repeterly to read from you today. I be sending out this email for six moths now, and you're the first dumbass what bothered replied.  My witch doctor, Ukulele Unga Bunga Horny Boo Boo, he tells me in reading my wet t-shirt leaves the other day that my luck about change, which explain the second photo I attack to this email.  The first photo was first ahead of the second, which is second only becourse my witch doctor not make look like door knockup in the first photo.  There is an odor to things in life, yes?


In my firstest email I not tells you mooch to go own.  That be by décor.  Now you writed on my back, so I tells you mores to wheat your app alright.  My name this week is serena Baturi, an Ivorian in West Africa, a suburban of what left of Deadtroit.  Presently I am residing in the mythical refugee camp here in Dakar Senegal -- it just down street from drugged store we looted last night protesting what Al Sharpton tell us to.  Why I live 9-5 in refugee camp is subject of duckumentally on msnbc called One Life One Looter, narrated by Toure and photo shopped by new York slimes.  I think I buydress so let me get backs on port.  As a result of the template I was telled to use to do this email.  There is a uncivil war going on in my country. No goat be safes there.  If you look past my photos I really is a beautiful loving young girl of 23 years, about 5'8" tall, 400 lbs and able to body slam a wildebeest in 4.6 seconds.  My father Late Hon. Humphrey Baturi was a successful businessman, he did speechifying about different gods on TV evangelizers show until he try heal a hippo with genital wart in Burundi a year ago. 

I think you can see how that not end well on YouTube.

Before he try this pretty stupids thing, he was gassed speaker with Pastor Robert Tilton, and they did rousing rendition of farted Dueling Pastors on the Discovery Chanel Number 5, which is why it off the air now.  With family like that, you can finger why I'm the only one alive from the family.  By the grace of a coke bottle my witch doctore find and install as deity to a group of muslim camel rapists, I made my way to a nearby county where I'm presently living like a refugee if if Tom Petty say I not needs to.  I came inside internat to search for love and I find I too fat to be cyber so at present I stuck in here.  If you not getting your daily news feed, that why; it blocked by my ass.

I here by believe that in time to come you will be in my side and I will show you how that extraction can be do with tweezer and Ma's Cure-a-crumb ointment and lubricant.  Undeserved love and respect through out time is puppycork; fall not in love therefore or five, it will stick to your face.  Profondled, huh?  I gots lodes more like it.  I want know more about you, your real name, all your fake name, your real country, your underwear size, your inflatable sex toys count, your preoccupation, your age, your hobbies and most impotently, your banks account. 

Also wants know did this email gives you woody or some other dowel, dildo or whatevers.  

My hobbies used to be swimming until I get large and they send tsunami warning when I go nears the water; dancing with wombats; singing the greatest hits of William Hung and William Shatter; cooking missionaries; reading instructions after I overcooks missionaries; and watching classic holyweird movies like Napolean Dynomited and Beatlesjuiced.  

As for me, if I can ever get out of being stuck inside this internat thing -- fiber oprahs suck -- i have a lot and VERY IMPORTANT thing to tell you in my next mail, maybe before then i will try to get our Rev Al Sharpton's phone number to give you so you can listen to him going on and on about wart privilege and rashism and how he be such an ass peoples pay him to goes away.

And please also remember that in a any good relationship ''Distance or Age '' dose not matters, what matters is that abscess make the fart go Honda.  I think.  

I have attached my pictures here for you to know me very well. In my next mail I will tell you more about how I am going to replace Marie Barf at department of state because I talks gooder than her and can keep a straighter face when I lies on the talking points memooos.  

I wait your reply with genital insert...I can't reach it being jammed in internat.  Hope you can email past my blockage.

A good DNC low informationer of dubious antlercedence and love child of Debbil Washingmachine Schiesse and a bus  
The silence that followed suggests that my character is not now likely to learn what that 'very important thing' is.  Then again, some things are knowd without being told.
And if I really want to find out what that 'thing' is, I have three other emails from her to find out via...

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Wednesday, March 18, 2015

Be Heinz The Ate Ball

No, the post isn't about old Horseface.

But mebbe the scammer is one of his in-laws, eh?

Witness the following email from a person purporting to be Gordon Heinz:

After much consideration on this matter, I have decided to contact you, my name is Mr.
Gordon Heinz, I am looking for your consent to present you as a family to a deceased client of our Bank who died years ago without any heirs established the Bank not confiscate your deposit (US $7.5m) and return it to the Government of Benin.

Also note that the tank has an open deceased beneficiary and any foreigner can put the claim on the merits, regardless of your tribe, names and religion provided that it has secret information on the jacket of the security file of the deceased deposit which I will present to you on request by the authorities of my Bank.

I only get in touch with you as a foreigner, because these funds may not be approved to a local bank here, but can only be approved to any bank account foreign because the money is on the dollar bill and against the former deceased account owner Mr. Olmos R. Fernando is in your region also. My goal is the source of an individual honest and trustworthy to whom I can trust these funds and that it will act as trustee in waiting for my arrival in your country since my period of disconnection of service is about.

More details will be given to you as soon as you respond,  

The following edit simply couldn't wait..though it didn't help that I was bored at the time:

On Thursday, March 12, 2015 8:26 PM, Irrelevant <********> edited an email from Gordon Heinz, and it wound up writ like this h'yar:
After much constipation on this matter, I have decided that I am sufficiently full of schiesse now and am ready to contact you, my name is Mr. Gordon Heinz.  I make ketchup, relish, mayo, pickled beets, all sorts of that kind of fecalities.  I am looking for your consent to present you as a family dismember that was disowned and thrice removed for farting the ISIS national anthem in pig latin some years ago; now you're needed back as a deceased client of our Bank who died years ago of Painful Bacon Genital Wrap Itch.  The death was without any heirs, save for your reprehensible self, and Molly the goat.  The Bank is not really inclined to turn over the prostate properties and such to a goat, even one named Molly with endearing eyes and a passion for horny muslim men of dubious antecedence.   This kind of leaves us with the unenviable need to sell your suckass self as the only option left for  $7.5m in Canadian $5 Spocked notes.   The Government of Benin does not aspire to live long and prosper, though a few of them occasionally love long and perspire, but I digress and TMI.

Also note that the tank that's running around in the square of the Benin capital city is not's Russian built, and driven by a Liechtensteinian cab driver who took a wrong turn at Zurich.  His meter is running and we think we can take advantage of his waywardness while he's still lost and tearing up the streets here, since no one wants to try and stop a T-72 with a Liechtensteinian cab driver at the controls.  At any rate, should you be willing to forget how totally reprehensible and suckass you've been in the past, we can use you as any foreigner that can put the claim on the merits, regardless of your tribe, names and religion provided that it has secret information on the jacket of the security file of the deceased deposit which I will present to you on request by the authorities of my Bank.  It's in Yoruba, but with teh Gooble translator, you can make it Greek in no time.  Use the Grecian formula to smooth out the gray areas, though I wouldn't bother with the genitals, unless you're planning to streak.

Don't do that here.  We have enough problems with our national bird, the fly.

I only get in touch with you as a foreigner, because AC/DC, Motley Crue, REO Spankwagon and the Beatles refused us for a concert venue.  We could get Zugspitz and the Projectile Vomits, but no one has heard of them.  We are also in need of a local bank here that's not overrun with wildebeest crotch crickets. Mr. Olmos R. Fernando is willing to remove the crotch crickets, but we don't know what to do with what they leave behind.  My goal is to never attend another soccer game with 10,000 vuvuzela players ever again.  For that I need the source of an individual honest and trustworthy to whom I can trust not to book soccer or vuvuzela orchestras here in Benin.

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Sunday, March 15, 2015

The InAction Figure of 2016 (and before)

I thought my pet rock was going to projectile vomit when he seed this.

I was glad I hadn't eaten yet.

I guess that this is meant to mask the missing emails, the illegal server, the years of lies and misinformation that makes Hillary -- at least according to the Left -- the 'smartest woman in the world' and the 'inevitable president'.

I seem to remember that she was inevitable in 2008.

Oh, that's right...she was trumped by a records hiding, race card playing, Alinsky dedicated islamofascist appeaser and abject liar named Obola.

Too bad...I mean, I went out and bought the Hillary Nutcracker, just in case.

At least the maker of the 2015 'action doll' got something right.  No, not the lack of wrinkles:

Maybe the pants suit...though I reckon it'd be more fitting as a jail house orange jump suit:

No, what the doll maker got right was the hips.  The hips of the nut cracker were NOT to scale.

Of course, there's some spirited debate on just what kind of 'action' figure ol' Hill is:

Yeah, she'd rather we forget about the "taking sniper fire in Bosnia" which was discredited almost as fast as a Brian Williams NBC Nightly News segment.  Her "cattle futures" trading.  Her missing/reappearing Rose Law Firm billing records.  Her getting fired from the Watergate investigative committee for lying and unethical behavior; her "pretty in pink" press conference where she came up with the "vast right wing conspiracy" going after ol' Bill and his lying about intern genital humidors.  What's going on with and WHO is giving billions to the 'Clinton Foundation' that's getting spent in untold ways:

Exactly what it was she accomplished while Secretary of State...apart from convincing our enemies that we're weak and inept with Obola at the helm...was illegally not following the rules regarding emails, email accounts and saving records required legally by her job:

She certainly left the rest of the world in more chaos than she and her boss, Obola, found it:

She lost $6 BILLION in her State Department during her stewardship that has not as yet been accounted for.  And she plans to follow her Marxist boss' footsteps domestically as well:

At any rate, there you have it:  some hopeful entremanure has come out with a Hillary action figure doll in time for 2016.  I wonder if it can do what she does better than about anyone in DC:

Though, I reckon I should coiffer my bets taking out and dusting off that Hillary Nutcracker, just in case America "doesn't wake up", with or without a hashtag.

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Thursday, March 12, 2015

The State of Emails

Government emails can be an annoyance, eh?  Sure appears that hrc is figuring that out.

I have occasion to receive generic state emails -- related to the 'state' of transportation -- on occasion.  My pet rock, Seymour, loves diddling with them.

If the 'state' ever subpoenaed those emails, I reckon I'd be forced to turn them in on behalf of my pet rock.


He sent that to me in an email.

Too bad for ol' hrc that her emails probably don't look like a few of these:

From: Colorado Department of Watching Multiple Whoopseewhackadoodles []
Sent: Sunday, February 15, 2015 5:51 PM
Subject: WB I-70 Closed -Beaver Brook
This email was sent to Bonco, UnInc, makers of PhffftAsure and The Ab-Dominationizer, because if anyone would be selling tickets to an event as named above, it’d be those clowns.  If you’re receving this instead of them, that means their new all-in-one-email-texting-phoning-scanning-waffle iron isn’t working yet.  Figures.
From: Colorado Department of We Know We Ain’t Done Sendin These Yet []
Sent: Sunday, February 15, 2015 8:15 PM
Subject: WB I-70 Open -Beaver Brook
OPEN- Westbound I-70 at Beaver Brook, MM 240, after multiple snowball fights between a variety of critters and some humans.  Despite not getting the memo, the buffalo won with a 10’ snowball that took out in bowling pin style a phalanx of elk and jackalope that had joined forces against the wombats and yeti, and a human armed with a John Deere snowblower that was disqualified after a yeti got snow in his ear and filed a PETA complaint that is lost in translation with the organization People for the Endifferent Treatment of Artichokes.  Your results would not have varied, snowblower or not.  That was one big honkin’ snowball.
This email was sent to Bonco, UnInc, makers of the Buga-BOOM and the EZ-NAV-1, neither of which won one vote on the BBB’s “10,000 Most Useless Products Ever Mess Produced” List…they just missed at 10,009 and 10,005 respectively.  Again, since you’re getting this and not Bonco, lets us know that their new, all-in-one email-texting-faxing-scanning-phoning-waffle iron still isn’t working.  Which is probably a good thing, since texting while waffling is hard enough without throwing in waffled text that can’t be read by anyone not equipped with special Mrs Butterworth’s No D glasses with the handy pour spout that only misses when the user is wearing their Sunday go-to-meetin’ finery.  Consumer Retorts had a product analysis ready to go, but a yeti poured syrup on it and ate it.  Thus when we asked Consumer Retorts if their product analysis was ready, they respond “not yeti”.  They so siwwy.  
From: Colorado Department of Emailing The Obvious []
Sent: Sunday, February 15, 2015 23:59 PM
Subject: Travel Advisorary -Winter Storm Thingee Is Heresabouts
Winter Storm Thingee Is Heresabouts Warning- Hidy, y’all.  We here in this lil’ state bureau what gots little else to do but decompose emails of dubious antecedence and content, frequently later than y’all might coulda used ‘em…wahl, this here ‘un is probably anuddah one like dat there.  We gots this thang h’yar called a Winter Storm Warning.  That means that there’s a winter storm h’yarbouts.  It differs from a Summer Storm Warning in that this h’yar thingee rains the white cold stuff some folks calls snow, and other folks calls less delicate terms.  It ain’t got the atmospheric fahrworks, like lightning, thunder or them cloud-ta-ground swirly thangs that mess up yore hair, immediate geographicals or drops houses on fairy tale broom riders.  But this winter storm thang does other irritating thangs like makes drivers go slow enough that a snail can skateboard along ahind ‘em; OR when some driver from a fahrweather place like Texus – with a pick ‘em up truck e-quipped with cow bells and tahrs long since shed of tread – goes sliding through an intersection doin’ 360s and sounding a bovine “general quarters” kinda noise, with the driver cursin’ “danged Yankee weather” and all. 
H’yar is whut them fellers at the Nashunal Weather Soivice sez: “Heavy snow expected on the I-70 mountain corridor”  DUH. They foithah sez “Chains, snow tires, flame throwers, napalm, a conga line of yetis with snow shovels or 4-wheel drive recommended for various and assorted reasons, not all of which make sense where winter storm warning thingeemabobs ain’t happenin’.  Anyway, y’all now knows what y’all already knowd afore we telled ya the obvious.  Yuppers.
This email was sent to a fairy tale female in ruby red slippers who tried to go to Kansas and wound up in Siberia, and in her understandable fury at having been duped by the script writers, used them awesomely powerful slippers in a manner not intended by the script writers, National Weather Service or Punxatawny Phil, and with three heel clicks just up and dumped all over us h’yar.  That’s our story and we’re sticking to it, cross our hearts and so help us to another serving of coffee or what passes fer it at the drink station.  Your results will vary depending on that sassy tart’s mood when she clicks them heels…a trip to Uranus is not out of the question, or being turned into a platypus snake armadillo spider critter, too.  That could explain where our bus went this night…  
From: Colorado Department of Shrinking Stuff []
Sent: Monday, February 16, 2015 2:55 AM
Subject: Loveland Pass Closed
US-6 Loveland Pass originally closed for avalanche reduction.  We’re working on a shrinking formula first used by Dr. Miguelito Loveless during a Wild Wild West episode, though ours is intended to be better.  However, our first try at avalanche reduction actually shrank Loveland Pass.  Now even a hummingbird won’t fit through it.  Our bad.  The formula needs tweaking.  It did work to shrink avalanches to a third less calories than a regular beer, but still taste great.  We tried it at the Tivoli.  Didn’t shrink the waitress, so…well, we’ll keep working on it.
This email was sent to the mouse that roared seconds before the great horned owl demonstrated how little regard it had for a roaring mouse.  Had the mouse farted instead…the owl might have instead gone for the camo-painted Yugo across the parking lot. .  Good argument for beans in your next taco salad.  As the old dental joke goes, “abscess make the fart go honda”.  No wonder Harvey Korman couldn’t stop laughing at Tim Conway…  
From: Colorado Department of Tater Tots & Why They Riot After Napolean Dynamite []
Sent: Monday, February 16, 2015 6:12 PM
Subject: Tater Tot Rebellion
Heavy Eastbound rioting by tater tots that saw a re-release of Napolean Dynamite is threatening Central City restaurants on a line east by northeast of run amok llamas and pots ‘n pans salespersons who run afoul of tai kwan dough experts.  NEVER show a movie to tater tots wherein a pocket filled with them gets squarshed.  Fries, onion rings and mushrooms are signing on in sympathy with the tater tots.  Bringing up twice baked potatoes doesn’t help; they like the “one ‘n done” approach.
This email was sent to Sock Puppets Anonymous using a Miss Piggy “Hiiiiiiigh YAH!” right cross that never failed to lay out Kermit for a at least a commercial break.  Your results depend on where she whacks you.  The Colorado Department of Sock Puppet Violence considers this a public announcement of dubious content and questionable side orders.  Since this all started with tater tots, we blame Napolean Dynamite. 
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From: Colorado Department of Tunnel Avalanche Control & Tex-Mex Grill []
Sent: Thwednesday, February 17, 2015 9:20 AM Hawaiian Tsunami Time
Subject: Avalanche control Inside I-70 Eisenhower/Johnson Tunnels
Avalanche control work underway I-70 inside the Eisenhower/Johnson Tunnels.  We don’t know about you, but we find avalanches inside the tunnel an annoyance akin to fingernails on a black bear.  And when you lay your fingernails on a black bear and he chases you, THAT is an annoyance…inconvenience…and you never have on the right shoes.  Thus, avalanches inside of tunnels.  Bad karma.  Bad for car’s ma, too.  See what we just did there?  Try their fried bean and carp taco surprise.  It goes good with wisdom tooth removal.
This email was sent to Why We Don’t Do Tunnels Under using manatee guides; they get distracted by warm springs, boats, a fish called Wanda, jet skis and water sports involving horseshoes with the horses still attached.  One of them went on cnn claiming to have found Atlantis, but it wound up being the underwater vault of Al Capone and only contained the original plans for Newark, NJ, guarded by a Great White shark with gum disease and dentures, nicknamed Flaws.  He hopes to get a part in Jaws X – The Retirement, another Transfarmers flop by the Hollyweird director that stole my name so he could make bad movies and get me blamed for them, like Pearl Harbor Sucked And I Miss You, sung by Taylor Swift’s eye lash stretcher, Horace.  Whatever your results, no grammy for him.  
My pet rock still thinks that edits like this will win him a Pulitzer.  Argue as I might, he counters that Obola got a Noballs for doing nothing.  So mebbe Seymour WILL win something for this...probably a better award than Hildebeest is looking at.
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