Friday, September 20, 2019

When In Doubt...Unicorns

This is not what a scammer, purporting to be the General Auditor of Bank of America, at all had in mind when she sent my character this:


Bank of America Financial Center 
Metro Center Station 700 13th St NW, 
Washington, DC 20005, United States
Office of Ms. Christine P. Katziff
Corporate General Auditor (BOA)
Wire Transfer & Audit Department
Direct Tell: +12024555966


Attention:,

I am Ms. Christine P. Katziff, Corporate General Auditor, Bank of America. Be informed of the arrival and availability of your long awaiting inheritance fund Part Payment value, ($7, 000,000.00) only as received. This occurred on the march 21st 2018, through great effort by the USA Office of the Comptroller of the Currency (OCC). But our Bank Board of Directors, refused to get you informed for reasons best known to them, which I believe, must be selfish interest. 

I made my research in our Bank database and confirmed I can wire the fund to your choice of Bank account and have the wire tracer wiped out from the system, where the fund wire transfer cannot be traced to your Bank account by any Financial Authority.  

Therefore, I urge you to trust my skill and assure me the absolute confidentiality of this information, and I will have your fund wired via the fastest method of wire transfer, (MT202 Cov), If you agree or can trust my skill on this matter, reconfirm your details as listed bellow, and I will transfer your fund as you will confirm it in your Bank account same day.

If you have any doubt or negative thought about this, please, don't bother to reply this message, I cannot persuade you, I am only here to exercise my hatred on cheating and cheaters, using my perfect professional skill. 

Be assured of a successful completion of this deal upon adhering to my directives by acting at the right time where necessary. 

No INTERFERENCE from the Government or any Financial Authorities, no one will have the right to intervene on the transaction following my perfect plans to make it happen. 

Reconfirm the following details to enable us commence on the process immediately.

Your Full Names: 
Your Current Home Address: 
Your Direct Cell:
Your Current Occupation:

Bank Names: 
Bank Address:
Bank Account No:
Bank Account Names:
Swift No:
Routing No:

Christine P. Katziff  
Corporate General Auditor
  


But that's what my 'editing gone wild' pet rock, Seymour, thunk up almost immediately, especially when he saw that if he had any doubt he was not to write back.  Seymour always takes that as a challenge:


  Subject: UNICORNS!!!!!!
 
Bank of Merica Financial Center 
Metro Center Station 700 13th St NW, 
Washington, DC 20005, United States
Office of Ms. Christine P. Katziff
Corporate Genital Auditor (BOM)
Wire Transfer & Audit Department
Direct Tell: +12024555966

Attention:

I am Ms. Christine P. Katziff, Corporate Genital Auditor, Bank of Merica. Be informed of the arrival and availability of long awaiting unicorns only as received. This occurred on the march 21st 2018, through great effort by the USA Office of the Troller of the Currency (OTC). But our Board of Directors, refused to get you informed for reasons best known to them, which I believe, must be shell fish interest.  In short, they clammed up.

I made my research in our database and confirmed I can ship to you a unicorn of your choice and have the tracking tracer wiped out from the system, where the transfer cannot be traced to you by any Authority.  

Therefore, I urge you to trust my skill and assure me the absolute confidentiality of this information, and I will have your unicorn sent via the fastest method of transfer, (WTF202 Cov), If you agree or can trust my skill on this matter, reconfirm your details as listed bellow, and I will transfer your unicorn as you will confirm it in your back yard same day.

If you have any doubt or negative thought about this, please, don't bother to reply this message, I cannot persuade you, I am only here to exercise my hallucinogenic hatred on Mesopotamian Fork Sticks, using my perfect professional skill. 

Be assured of a completion of this deal upon adhering to my directives by acting at the right time where necessary. 

No INTERFERENCE from the Government or any Authorities, no one will have the right to intervene on the shipping of your unicorn following my perfect plans to make it happen. 

Reconfirm the following details to enable us commence on the process immediately.

Your Full Names: 
Your Current Home Address: 
Your Direct Cell:
Your Current Occupation:
Where Do You Want Unicorn Delivered: 

Christine P. Katziff  
Corporate Genital Auditor          

PS:  I can't guarantee what flavor of ice cream your particular unicorn will crap.  That's luck of the draw.   
 
 
I heard nothing further back from the genital auditor, but one scammer that received a copy of this was a bit distressed:
 
 
STOP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
 
 
What...you allergic to unicorns?  
 
 
Seymour and I thought everyone liked 'em...      

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Tuesday, September 17, 2019

More Scam FBI Fails

The scammers that keep turning to the FBI as their template of choice certainly need SOMETHING.

Here's their latest.  See if you see one of the more obvious problems:


Federal Bureau of Investigation JamesB.Comey.fbi_securiitywatchs@hotmail.com>
Mon 8/19/2019 2:02 PM
 

                           

FBI Headquarters
935 Pennsylvania Avenue, NW
Washington, D.C. 20535-0001


The FBI uses both its cyber and criminal resources along with its intelligence capabilities to identify and stop crime groups in their early stages and to root out the many types of perpetrators.
By virtue of the authority vested in me as the Director of the Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI) in order to provide and supervision management of the Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI) to ensure a full and thorough investigation of your winnings which we have carried out has our duties and obligations.
we would like you to know that your Facebook lottery winnings is 100% legit and through our surveillance we taped and track your email and phone conversation to know you are dealing with the wrong people which are impostors trying to swag your money and get away, Please note that the right and legal office to contact is official James Wells ( james4carl@gmail.com )  and He was instructed by Facebook, Inc./CEO Mark Zuckerberg  which all payment will be confirmed for your Facebook lottery winnings to be released to you in the next 24 to 48 hours after the mandatory fees 250$ for the yellow tag and insurance security fees, should be paid for the immediate release of your ATM card parcel with the sum of a million dollars.
We would like you to get back to us with every correspondence involved in your transactions with Facebook lottery commission boards and makes sure you update  every activities that you think it’s unusual to your winnings.
“I wanted to be an independent person, a person who could pay bills, a person who could run her own life - and I became that person”
You can be that person if you take a step to your success and get your winnings with the right office.
Christopher Asher Wray

FBI Headquarters
935 Pennsylvania Avenue, NW
Washington, D.C. 20535-0001    
Yawp...they has no ideer who they're having send the scam. 
Eh...my pet rock, Seymour, is more than up to hepping them out with an edit:

FBI Hindquarters
DNC 
Washington, D.C. 20535-0001

The FBI uses both it tastes great and less filling in their anal recruiting drives along with its intelligence-of-a-tree-stump to identify and promote democrap crime groups in their early stages and to try to avoid getting suicided by Hellary's friends.
By virtue of the authority vested in me by the Director of the DNC in order to provide and supervise mismanagement of the federal election process, we have utterly fumbled our duties and obligations.
You're welcome.
we would like you to know that your Faceplant lottery winnings is 100% crapinzola and through our surveillance we taped and track your email and phone conversation to know that you are dealing with the wrong people which are impostors trying to pass themselves off as FBI...just like we are.  DOH...it IS us!  Friggin' road apples, this template wasn't supposed to do that!!!  Don't we HATE when that happens?  We might be in the same spot as Epstein just was.  DOH again.
 Please note that the properly reprehensible office to contact is James Wells ( james4carl@gmail.com ), genderless dumbass of dubious antecedence and covered in genital warts.  He was instructed by Faceplant CEO Mark Zuckerborg to butt boink an onyx in Time Square on Labor Day after the mandatory fees 250$ for the safe sex declarative tag should be paid for.  
We would like you to get back to us with every email address of sodomizeable sheep you have, so that we can catch up on our primary past time.
“I wanted to be an independent twat waffle, and by joining the DNC, a twat waffle I now am”
You can't be that person unless you choose to be as stupid as cnn, Antifa, the Squad or every democrap running for president.
Christopher Asher Wray, stupidly using the picture of James Comey, because I am an abject moron, just like James Wells.
FBI Hindquarters
DNC
Washington, D.C. 20535-0001  
 
After reading this, the James Wells feller decided against any further repartee with an editing gone wild pet rock. 
Wise choice.
 

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Friday, September 13, 2019

FB's Zuckerborg Plays Suckerborg

My scambaiting character heard from hisself, Faceplant's own Mark Zuckerberg. 

Or so the emailer desperately wants my character to think:


                                  "CONGRATULATIONS FROM FACEBOOK!!!"

ATTENTION: WINNER,

The Entire Facebook team are very happy to inform you that your name appeared on the Facebook Online Email Lottery JULY/AUGUST. We are giving out the total sum of US$1000,000.00.

THE NUMBERS BELOW SHOULD BE SAFE AND CONFIDENTIAL, UNTIL YOU FINALLY GET YOUR PRIZE MONEY: Serial Number: (68625751907) Ticket Number: (7836980545189), Ref No: (255126278102/2526)

To avoid unnecessary delays and complications. please remember to quote your TICKET, REFERENCE & SERIAL NUMBERS. This notification is to inform you that you are a lucky winner of the sum of $1000,000.00 from the last drawn. We announced this day 07/07/ 2019.
 
Kindly send all required information's Here: ( marke93411@gmail.com). Remember to quote your TICKET, REFERENCE & SERIAL NUMBERS, in all correspondences. Furthermore, if there is any change in email address please notify us immediately for record and security purposes.As we await your response with the below required information's:

FULL NAME :..... FULL CONTACT ADDRESS :.....  PHONE NUMBER :.....  SEX :.....  NATIONALITY....

This is one of our innovations to encourage Facebook users, Our own way of saying a BIG THANK YOU, And to all our users for making Facebook their number one Social Networking to hook up with families, Friends, And new people all over the World.
 
phone to reach us is (650) 271-9470
 
 
Best Regards,
Facebook Management.
(Promo @ 2019).  
 
 
Somehow, me thinks not:
 
 
So faceplant sez I won sumpin'.  That's nice.  
 
 
Thank you very much for your time and your email was well acknowledge by us please not that you are Facebook lottery winner amd also the ambassador of Facebook lottery promo draw for thiis month of August.
Please not that you will be interviewed and video just like our previous winners and also your correct address is needed with a valid ID card for proper verification.
Your Atm card parcel will be issued to you immediately after the interview.
We will also advise you give us the precise time you will be at home
Your urgent response is needed 
Thank you for your time and consideration 
 
 
Ol' Zuck sounds like he's still testifying in front of some panel or another.  And this is the guy I'm supposed to let scam my character?
 
 
Having well read your reply, I see that I am not a winner of faceplant lottery, I am not ambassador of faceplant lottery promo draw, and I will not be interviewed. So what was the point of your email?  
 
 
We are still waiting for your response so as to proceed with the process and schedule a flight for your visit.  
 
 
Where do you expect me to fly to?  
 
 
Thank for the mail..we are come for a visit taking a flight in person for your interview and we are still waiting for you to make the necessary payment fees for the yellow tag and insurance security fees which is 450$ so that we can commence immediately with the delivery of the Atm card parcel.
Please noted  that requesting for deduction of fees does not meet our personal ethics as it is not intend to cause you any embarrassment note that all requested fees will be paid by beneficiaries of the said winnings..

Have a nice day.   

 
Just what are your personal ethics? 
 
 
I hope you understand English go and ready my previous mail..  
 
 
The Brits are at times very hard to understand especially when they're cocked up.
Your previous email wasn't ready, so I took that to mean you're struggling with your answer.
Just what are your personal ethics?  
 
 
It is not important what is ethics a thing just follow the instructions you are given for payment of 450$ fees.  Can you read understand this?  
 
 
Not in your zombified syntax.  And yes, ethics are a thing that matters.  You might try your grammar checker and email a thing again for greater Claritin, if not for tasting great for a third less calumnies.  Do you follow?  
 
 
We haves not time for gaming the system if you are unable to comply plz speak so we can moves the thing to next steps.  Time is not working for you.
 
 
Zuck, your borg has taken over your iPhone to a degree rarely seed in Azerbaijan.  Whether you can or can-can moves the thing, it won't matter:  she won't likes where you moves it to and will insist you moves it again and again.  Time -- being a failed ragazine -- never worked for me in the first of place.  You sabe?  
 
That last proved to be too much for The Zuck, and thus ended an online relationship that capsized and sank in the waters off Cape Skunkfeathers...

 

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Tuesday, September 10, 2019

She's In The Army...Not

A popular template among scammers is to portray themselves as a member of the US Military, serving overseas.  They manage this with names and pictures picked up off the 'web from real people.

Like this one.

This is how my character came to know -- albeit briefly -- Sgt. Alissa George:


Hi May the peace of the lord be with you,

My name is Alissa George form united state of America Illinois i am a Sergeant First Class (E-7) 10 years in the military as Global Combat Support System (GCSS) tactical logistics of the US military currently in Afghanistan now, We don’t know each other but it would be great to get to know you ,kindly permit my contacting you through this medium I am compelled to contact you via this medium for obvious reasons which you will understand , do not be afraid in replying my mail for i have a very important and confidential matter that i want to discuss with you, i am still working in Afghanistan for the sake of the crisis in Afghanistan. and you ?

However, i really want to establish a true relationship that may lead into a business partner or something else.

Certainly, This is to bring to your notice, here in the military zone we are not allow to make use of mobile phone, we only make use of radio message and email communication, Now, i have fully made up my mind to go into business partnership with you, as i don't know how long we are to remain in the war zone.

My dear, i want you to know that we are being attacked by insurgents every day and car bombs.

During one of our rescue mission we came across a safe box that contain huge amount of money that belongs to the revolutionaries, which I believe they use it in buying weapons and ammunition's, and it was agreed by all parties in present that the money will be shared among us.

Out of the total fund my share was US$ 4.5 Million.

I am seeking your assistance to evacuate my share of the money, which is US$ 4.5 Million out of here to you; in as much as you can assure me that my own share will be safe in your care until I complete my service here. This is not stolen money, and there are no dangers involved.

My dear, I have made solid arrangements with a UNITED NATION DIPLOMAT who promised to deliver the fund to any of my choosing destination.

I shall be compensating you with 20% of the total fund on final conclusion of this project, while the rest balance shall be my investment capital in your country or elsewhere.

One passionate appeal I will make to you is not to discuss this matter to a third party, if you have reasons to reject this offer, please destroy this e-mail to avoid any leakage of this information and it will be dangerous to me based on my position here.

I have chosen to contact you after my prayers and I believe that you will not betray my trust nor thwart my dream.
Though you may wonder why I am so soon revealing myself to you without formal introduction, well, I will say that my mind convinced me that you are the true person to help me receive and invest the fund.

Note: I do not know how long we gonna remain here and my fate since I have survived two bomb attack here, which prompted me to search out for a reliable and trust worthy person to help me receive and invest the fund in his country, because I will be migrating to your home to invest and start a new life not as a soldier anymore.

Conclusively, i wish you could send me a reply immediately in regards to this proposal.
Your urgent reply will be highly appreciated.

I hope my explanation is very clear but if you need further clarification, and then send your questions.

Best regard.

Sgt Alissa George   



Yup.  That's how Sgt Alissa George introduced herself to my character.  And she added this for bona fides:


Pretty convincing, eh?  Well...my character wasn't all that impressed, at least initially:


And your point is? 


'Her' point was to re-send me the original email.  Woid for woid.  And add these two pictures for further bona fides:

...and...


That convinced my character to reply:


You're  from the united state of America Illinois?  Not sure where that is. I'll google earth it and get back to you.  


After a couple days, the Sarge wasn't willing to wait:


My beloved  one,

Good day to you and how is your health today, i hope you are healthy and fine?

I want to say thanks to you for making out time to write to me again, the content of your letter are well understood, i do not want you to see this business as some thing that will bring problem to you, but i want you to trust and believe me when i say that there is nothing to worry about in this deal, honestly i have made every necessary arrangement that will lead to safe delivery of the cash box to you without any form of problem nor risk, all the necessary arrangement that will lead to safe delivery of the cash box to you without any form of problem nor risk have already been made.

Am a woman that does things in accordance to the directives of my spirit, i chose you to be my partner and also help me in receiving this cash box because my spirit has been bearing me witness that you are the rightful person for me and i know you will not disappoint me, i chose to use you as partner in this deal because am not permitted to send package down to any of my friends nor relatives since am still in the military camp in Afghanistan, if i eventually send out any thing to the USA it will be suspicious and i will be query for the action, so i chose you because i know you are the ideal person for this deal as foreigner who is not a Afghanistan citizen.

 I promise you you will not regret been part of this matter, i do not know what else i can say to convince you and make you to believe me, but i pray that God will give you the grace to make up your mind

One more time i want to let you know that there is no complication on this matter, if you follow my instruction every thing will go smooth and well in the process of receiving the cash box, Please try and keep this matter between you and i, because if you and i should agree on one thing with our heart with seriousness then we must surely achieve success at the end I have chosen to contact you after my prayers and I believe that you will not betray my trust nor thwart my dream, though you may wonder why I am so soon revealing myself to you without formal introduction, well, I will say that my mind convinced me that you are the true person to help me in receiving and investing this Fund.
Please i want to remind you once again that every arrangement towards this project is intact between both of us and on no account should you let the ''Oliver Security Company  Services'' to know the content of the box, remember that the consignment was registered as diplomatic package to the security company and that is what they believe to be in the box, so you should not let them know that the content of the box is money.

Please i will like you to send your contact information to me so that i can forward to the security company to enable them proceed to your country for the final delivery of the cash box to your door step

Send your below information to me urgently;

1. home address.........
2. Your private telephone number........
3. Nationality.................
4. Age..............................
5. Occupation........................
6. Identity card (passport, driver's license or International)............

Once am through here with my official assignment i will come over to meet you one on one in your country and after that we shall decide on how to carry on with our life, but for now please i will appreciate us to be more focus on this issue of you receiving the cash box and safe keeping it on my behalf till i come over then i will handle the depositing of the money in the bank by myself.
I await your immediate response
Love and care from,
Sgt Alissa  



Awww...she sends her 'love and care'.  That almost made my pet rock, Seymour, tear up.

"Did NOT!!!  PHFFFFFFFFFFT!!!"


So we continue with our repartee:


I didn't find the united state of America Illinois on my Gooble search.  Where exactly is that?  


At least 'she' reads some of what my character writes:


Illinois is a Midwestern state bordering Indiana in the east and the Mississippi River in the west. Nicknamed "the Prairie State," it's marked by farmland, forests, rolling hills and wetlands. Chicago, one of the largest cities in the U.S, is in the northeast on the shores of Lake Michigan. It’s famous for its skyscrapers, such as sleek, 1,451-ft. Willis Tower and the neo-Gothic Tribune Tower.   
 
 
At least she sorta knows how to google when the need arises.  So my character tests that further:
 
 
You left out that Chicago has more shootings annually than Syria, Afghanistan or Iraq.  
 
 
Whatever else the 'Sarge' is, 'she' is a good little blind-eyed liberal in her reply:
 
 
Good day to you and how is your health today, i hope you are healthy and fine?
I want to say thanks to you for making out time to write to me again, the content of your letter are well understood, i do not want you to see this business as some thing that will bring problem to you, but i want you to trust and believe me when i say that there is nothing to worry about in this deal, honestly i have made every necessary arrangement that will lead to safe delivery of the cash box to you without any form of problem nor risk, all the necessary arrangement that will lead to safe delivery of the cash box to you without any form of problem nor risk have already been made.

Am a woman that does things in accordance to the directives of my spirit, i chose you to be my partner and also help me in receiving this cash box because my spirit has been bearing me witness that you are the rightful person for me and i know you will not disappoint me, i chose to use you as partner in this deal because am not permitted to send package down to any of my friends nor relatives since am still in the military camp in Afghanistan, if i eventually send out any thing to the USA it will be suspicious and i will be query for the action, so i chose you because i know you are the ideal person for this deal as foreigner who is not a Afghanistan citizen.

 I promise you you will not regret been part of this matter, i do not know what else i can say to convince you and make you to believe me, but i pray that God will give you the grace to make up your mind

One more time i want to let you know that there is no complication on this matter, if you follow my instruction every thing will go smooth and well in the process of receiving the cash box, Please try and keep this matter between you and i, because if you and i should agree on one thing with our heart with seriousness then we must surely achieve success at the end I have chosen to contact you after my prayers and I believe that you will not betray my trust nor thwart my dream, though you may wonder why I am so soon revealing myself to you without formal introduction, well, I will say that my mind convinced me that you are the true person to help me in receiving and investing this Fund.

Please i want to remind you once again that every arrangement towards this project is intact between both of us and on no account should you let the ''Oliver Security Company  Services'' to know the content of the box, remember that the consignment was registered as diplomatic package to the security company and that is what they believe to be in the box, so you should not let them know that the content of the box is money.  


Okay, so 'Sarge' isn't going to admit that Shotcago is more dangerous than Afghanistan.  Fine.  Let's try something else in reply:


You left out if it tastes great or is less filling.  


For those who saw the advertising campaigns for Miller Lite in the latter part of the 20th Century, the reference is obvious.  My scammer -- 'Sarge' -- apparently isn't from that knowledge base:


What do you mean? 



So my character tries something of an explanation:


It's an Americal point of reference i dun figured a soldier of the US Army from the united state of Illinois would understand.  You did, didn't ya?  


'Sarge' doesn't see the relevance:


how does this help our business?  What I need from you now is to follow my instructs and to do so soonest as time is not on our side.  


Time can be on our side, with pocket watches.  Heck, even with a cell phone carrier on your belt.  You DO hear me now, right?  


What?  Pls follow my instructs so that we can complete this transaction.  It is important to me, pls.


Of that last, I am very certain.  So certain that if you try our service for 30 days and are not completely satisfied, we'll refund the difference between x and y at almost no additional fee. 


are you going to help me or not beloved?  

"Beloved"?

Guarantees like that I just gave you ARE helping you.  Looking for love in all the wrong places?  Looking for love in too many faces?  Searching for eyes...looking for places...of what..you're...dreaming of.  But it's all...in the game. Do-wop..do-wop..do-wop.  And that was not a slam on Italians or their dressing, so don't report me to the IG, EEOC or WTF.


why will you not help me? 


If you'd seen the Bud Light commercial of the snowy-night romantic scene in the sleigh with the beer, the candle and the farting horse, you could answer that question in every language knowd to Man, and a few that probably aren't. 


And with that, Sgt. Alissa George was no longer my beloved scammer.  Again, my pet rock teared up over the outcome.


"Did NOT!!!  PHFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT!!!"


You can bet my pet rock won't do that behind a farting horse.

"EWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!"



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Saturday, September 7, 2019

A High White Horse Souse Fail

That look Bernie gives when he realizes he'll never set foot in the White House as anything but a visitor.

But I digress.  The White House wants to give ME money.

At least, someone claiming to be of the White House is claiming that.  And he titled the email "A Massage From the White House".

Get a load:


This is Mr. Robert Tracy White House Agent Washington DC.
Address:1600 Pennsylvania Ave NW, Washington, DC 20500, USA
My Contact  +1 (860) 421-1506
My Contact Email ( whitehouseagent55555@gmail.com )

I wish to inform you that you are among the ten lucky people that there email address and phone number was found in the scam victims list. United States government and United Nation Union are compensating each of you with a Check worth sum of 3.5 million USD. So all you have to do is to reconfirm to me your full information on where to deliver the Check to you.

information such as

Your Full Name:::::::::::::::::::
Your Address:::::::::::::::::::::
Your PO Box Number:::::::::::::::
Your Direct Telephone number:::::
Your Occupation::::::::::::::::::


Thanks
Mr. Robert Tracy
White House Agent  



It was time for play immediately:


Why is the White House sending me a massage?  I don't remember ordering one.  


Mr Jack Ewehoff good day 

We found out that your check is here in our office since so after changing the head of department we saw your check so we want you to reconfirm your information to us to avoid wrong delivery
Thanks.  
 
 
I don't recall having received any checks from the White House.  I never worked there.  If you're sending me a check, just make sure you don't send it via a flying Amazon.com delivery drone; my pet rock will shoot it down.  
 
 
Good morning Dear Jack Ewehoff how are you doing today your email was found in the scam victims list and we can not send this check to you with out you reconfirm your information to us  We use secure courier for deliver not drone.  
 
 
Well it's a good thing you're not using a drone.  My pet rock hates those things.  Now, why are you sending me a massage when you say I have compensation coming?  
 
 
Good morning Dear Jack Ewehoff how are you doing today your email was well read and understood.  We found in the scam victims list and we can not send this check to you with out you reconfirm your information to us.  we are not sure what you mean by massage?   
 
 
It all depends on what your definition of 'massage' is.  
 
 
Good morning Dear Jack Ewehoff  are you going to send to us your informations we asked for to deliver your conpensation check?  You must needed to confirm your informations to us 
 
 
Don't you have resources like the NSA, CIA, FBI, WTF, IRS, DNI and OMG?  They know everything about everyone, including where I live.  Get it from them.  
 
 
Good morning Dear Jack Ewehoff how are you doing today your email was found in the scam victims list and we can not send this check to you with out you reconfirm your information to us but if you don't what to claim the offer we can return it back to government account.   
 
 
Why don't we do that and I'll accept a credit on my income taxes for the next 30 years.
 
Mr. Robert Tracy, White House agent, apparently decided that my character was a dead-end.  Pretty much like Bernie's quest....
 
 
 
 

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Wednesday, September 4, 2019

Getting Done By The 'Dew

The last scammer that tried this was with Monster Energy drinks.

Now they're trying to Do the Dew.

And have my character done in the process.

Here's the latest from Scamland:


EARN $500 WEEKLY WITH MOUNTAIN DEW WRAP

Mountain Dew (stylized as Mtn Dew) is a carbonated soft drink brand produced and owned by PepsiCo. The original formula was invented in 1940 by Tennessee beverage bottlers Barney and Ally Hartman. A revised formula was created by Bill Bridgforth[1] in 1958. The rights to this formula were obtained by the Tip Corporation of Marion, Virginia.[2] William H. "Bill" Jones of the Tip Corporation further refined the formula, launching that version of Mountain Dew in 1961.[3] In August 1964, the Mountain Dew brand and production rights were acquired from Tip by the Pepsi-Cola company, and the distribution expanded across the United States and Canada.[4]

Between the 1940s and 1980s there was one variety of Mountain Dew, which was citrus-flavored and caffeinated in most markets. Diet Mountain Dew was introduced in 1988,[5] followed by Mountain Dew Red, which was introduced and discontinued in 1988.[6] In 2001, a cherry flavor called Code Red debuted. This product line extension trend has continued, with expansion into specialty, limited time production, region-specific, and retailer-specific (Taco Bell, 7-Eleven) variations of Mountain Dew.
What does the company get out of this type of ad strategy? Lots of exposure and awareness. The adverts tend to be colorful, eye-catching and attract lots of attention. Plus, it's a form of advertising with a captive audience, meaning people who are stuck in traffic can't avoid seeing the wrapped car alongside them. This program will last for 12 weeks and the minimum you can participate is 7 weeks.

Compensation:
You will be compensated with $500 per week which is essentially a "Rental" payment for letting MOUNTAIN DEW ® use the space and no fee is required from you. MOUNTAIN DEW ® shall provide Expert Installer that will handle the advert placing on your car. You will receive an upfront payment inform of Cashier check via courier service for accepting to carry this advert on your car.
It is very easy and simple and no application fees required to get started, fill the form below

Name:
First:
Last:
Email:
Phone:
What is your current employment status? :
Employed Self-Employed :
Unemployed Student:
Address:
Street Address:
Street Address Line 2:
City:
Region:
Postal / Zip Code:
Country:

Thanks

John Smith  



It takes one search less than a minute to expose this as the scam it is.  It took my pet rock, Seymour, a little longer to edit it into something that the scammer would not appreciate:


From: smith <cobreandino@garasino.es>
Sent: Monday, August 5, 2019 10:08 PM
Subject: EX-LAX WRAP 



EX-LAX WRAP

EARN A PILE WEEKLY WITH EX-LAX WRAP

EX-LAX is a laxative brand produced and owned by GSKCo. The original formula was invented in 1940 by democraps. A revised formula was created by other democraps in 1958. The rights to this formula were obtained by the Democrapic National Committee.  Tom Perez is currently running and ruining the brand.  


 Between the 1940s and 1980s there was one variety of Ex-Lax. Diet Ex-Lax was introduced in 1988, followed by Ex-Lax Red, which was introduced and discontinued in 1988, as it was too revealing for the time of the democraps long-range political intentions.  In 2008, a bolder red called Socialist Ex-Lax debuted. This product line extension trend has continued, with expansion into cnn, ms13nbc, the washpo and nyslimes.  It was intended to cement our control in 2016, but that broom-riding nincompoop stuttered, stammered and fell down too many times to win even a rigged-for-her election.  Stupid beeyotch.
 

 What does the DNC get out of this type of strategy? Lots of feces and ignorance amongst their voters. The adverts tend to be colorfully metaphoric, jaw-dropping and attract lots of bug-eyed, dumbed down adherents from places like NYC, Massachusetts, Minnesota and Michigan.  Plus, it's a form of socialist indoctrination with a captive audience, meaning people who are stuck in traffic can't avoid seeing the wrapped car alongside them. This program will last for 12 weeks and the minimum you can participate is 7 weeks.

 Compensation:
You will not be constipated, ever.  As a socialist adherent, we of the DNC demand that you let us use your vehicle for 7-12 weeks which is essentially a "Rental" donation for letting Ex-Lax® use the space and no fee is required from us to use what you didn't build and you eventually will be outlawed from owning if we get our socialist way with you. The good news is Ex-Lax® shall provide Expert Installer that will handle the advert placing on your soon-to-be-our car. You will receive a passing mention in the Venezuelan Socialist Times for accepting to carry this advert on your car ahead of us requiring you to do it. Though we already have all the information needed on you -- in case we find we have to gulag you -- fill the form below

Name:
First:
Last:
Email:
Phone:
What is your current employment status? :
Employed Self-Employed :
Unemployed Student:
Address:
Street Address:
Street Address Line 2:
City:
Region:
Postal / Zip Code:
Country:

Your compliance makes it easier for us later. 

 Tom Perez
DNC
and eventual dictator  
 
 
Seymour was disappointed to not hear back from the originating scammer on his edit.  But he's thrilled to find himself on the DNC's Ten Most Sandboxed List.
 
"Am NOT!!!  PHFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT!!!!!!!!!!"

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Sunday, September 1, 2019

The Scammer Got This Memo...And Wished He Hadn't

This will be explained shortly.

When I get exceptionally badly-written email scams, my pet rock, Seymour, is all over wanting to edit them.

I was more than happy to comply after we both read this 'thing':


Attn: Benefficaly,

This is to official inform you that your 10,500.000.00 MILLION United state dollars has already deposited into our bank, and it is ready for transfer to you through our bank online transfer, duo the problems your having long time ago in receiving your Funds through ATM VISA CARD diplomat agent delivery, money gram and western union and others Load E.T.C.

This transfer well be completed within 24 hours after contact our transfer department with below email they will attach you form fill it and sign it resend it back to them, this is to enable the president of Benin Republic Hon: Patrice Talon endorse your transfer file, and that is only thing you need to do immediately you received the form from them print out the form fill it and resend it back to them without any delay.

THEY WILL SEND YOU, YOU OUR ONLINE BANK DETAILS LOGIN WEBSITE BANK E-MAIL SITE AND YOUR  ONLINE BANKING  DETAILS FOR THE QUICK MONITORING TRANSFER OF YOUR 10,500.000.00 MILLION UNITED STATE DOLLARS USD, AFTER THEY RECEIVED YOUR INFORMATION AND VERIFIES IT WELL AND CONFIRMED IT, ONCE YOU ARE THROUGH WITH THIS PROCESS?

As of now be informed that all arrangement has been done and concluded, you have to fill the form and forward it as requested as they will request in attach. Therefore you are advised to contact GTB Bank accountant Manager Rev. Erastus Raymond Akingbola with below Email address(
om2687752@gmail.com) Thank you once again

We are now waiting to hear from you confirmation of the instruction on how you will like us to transfer your funds, if we should transfer once or half depends on your account type, well be given to you with our website banking information.  



A pretty painful read by any stretch.

Did Seymour help it any?  You decide:


From: Office Moomoo <mailoffice584@gmail.com>
Sent: Tuesday, July 30, 2019 8:54 AM
Subject: Attn: Calling All Benefficalitnariany Sorts

 
Attn: Calling All Benefficalitnariany Sorts

This is to official inform you that you have been declared a Benefficalitnariany Sorts, and entitles you to a FREE WAFFLE IRON from Royal Scotland Bank's "WAFFLE IRON BONANZA" where NO RESTRICTIONS APPLY and is good wherever Royal Scotland Bank is.  Even Uranus*.  it is ready for you through our bank, although...we aren't giving away the same kind of waffle irons that the Royal Scotland Bank is.

Once you meet the requirements necessitated by our laborious disclaimer** and certain other random criteria are applied in a manure noted in the disclaimer**, this transfer well be completed within 24 hours after contact our transfer department with below email...which means it's under this paragiraffe.  You find it, you read it, you muse silently or aloud over it, you mix it, match it, collect the whole set, and THEN you form fill it and sign it resend it back to them.  This will enable the current president of Benin Republic aka the dishonorable Patrice Talon to say "what fork is dis h'yah?".  And then that is only thing you need to do immediately you received the form from them print out the form fill it and resend it back to them without any delay.

At some point, someone may just get around to send you something akin to OUR ONLINE BANK DETAILS LOGIN WEBSITE BANK E-MAIL SITE AND YOUR ONLINE EMAIL WEBSLIGHT DETAILS FOR THE QUICK MONITORING BY FBI OF THE TRANSPORTATION OF YOUR FREE WAFFLE IRON, AFTER THEY RECEIVED YOUR INFORMATION AND VERIFIES IT WELL AND CONFIRMED IT, ONCE YOU ARE THROUGH WITH THIS PROCESS?

Asking for a friend, seeing how that's phrased.

As of now be informed that all arrangement has been done and concluded, but without your online application thing completed as abovementioned, it won't mean twat waddle snot.  You have to fill the form and forward it as requested as they will request in attach. Therefore you are advised to contact WTF Bank accountant Manager Rev. Erastus Raymond Akingbola -- as everyone KNOWS WELL, only a reverend can be a manager in a Benin bank with the way that we run 'em -- with below Email address
om2687752@gmail.com   We spank you very much for your prayed-for cooperation, which 'splain why all our Benin bank managers are reverends, like Al Sharpton.

We are now waiting to hear from you confirmation of the instruction on how you will like us to transfer your FREE WAFFLE IRON to you, if we should transfer once or half depends on your WAFFLE IRON TYPE, well be given to you with our website banking information.

*orders from Uranus take 8 years to process and 8 years to deliver.  Just sayin'...
**Disclaimer:  this bank, like all banks in Benin, is subject to change suddenly with some, little, none notice or template redesign.  The Democrap National Crimemittee endorses us, which figures.  Your results will vary, except in the end result.  
 
 
The scammer didn't bother following up with Seymour.  Neither did the four email addresses he used for the DNC.  I think they're figuring out my pet rock won't be voting for their blithering idiots.

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Thursday, August 29, 2019

A Scammer, A Movie, And Morons

I should start here by explaining that when a scammer claims they're dying from a brain tumor, a picture of ol' Bug Eye here is amusing in that therein, there's no brain to be found.

But I digress.

Witness the following email scam from another dying inheritress:

With warm hearts I offer my friendship, and my greetings to you in the name of our lord God, and I hope this letter meets you in good time, I propose with my free mind and as a person of integrity from God, I know that this message will appear as a surprise to you that we barely know but the grace of God directed me to you and I wish you read this message and be blessed in name of the Lord.
 
I have a brain tumor, I suffer terribly at the moment. My doctor just informed me that my days are numbered because of my health therefore condemned to certain death. Currently, I have exhausted all my savings for my medical care. But I do have some funds for my charity project, these funds are deposited in a fixed deposit in a local bank here in Benin. purposed for charitable foundation My marital status is such that I'm single because I lost my Husband for over 9 years now and unfortunately we have not had a child together, which I am no one to leave my legacy . Therefore, to release my funds I would like to make a donation so that there is no stiff tax on my money.
 
To this I would so graceful and in order to help the poor to give what amounts to said legacy worth Four million euros (Ђ4,000,000.00) (Four Million Euro) to enable you to establish a charitable foundation in my memory so that the grace of God be with me until my last home so I can receive an honorable place with the Lord our father. I have no fear because before contacted you, i have for several nights prayed for the Lord God to give me the contact of a trusted person to whom I can entrust this matter and it is the result of why I am doing research that allowed me to contact you through this site.
 
Know that you can keep half of the money for yourself and the rest will be used to create a charitable foundation in my memory and a federation in the fight against cancer and also build orphanages. I would have the following information: Your name and first name, your exact address and your permanent telephone contact so I can forward them to my lawyer to appear that you perform the procedure under deal. I count on your goodwill and especially on the proper use of these funds have something I do not doubt because I have great confidence in you that God may guide me toward you. My private E-mail: dessybk@hotmail.com
 
Awaiting your prompt reply, receive my cordial and fraternal greetings.
 
Yours Sincerely
Mrs Dessy Baharudin   
 
 
My pet rock, Seymour, thought that this email needed an exceptionally peculiar edit.  He made that happen:
 
 
From: Ms Dessy Baharudin <oa@hsjt1983.com>
Sent: Monday, July 29, 2019 12:16 PM
Subject: If I Only Had A Brain
 
With raging heartburn I offer my painful oral belch and my greetings to you in the name of a goat head baphomet named Kamala.  I propose with my mind free of integrity to surprise you that we barely know of each other, but the grace of a shark-bodied horse directed me to you and I wish you read this message and be amazed at the drugs on this trip.
 
 
I have a tumor.  It's currently in my vaginal area.  My doctor just informed me that it would have been a brain tumor, but I didn't have a brain, so it looked for a good place to marinate and it decided my crotchular area was as good as any.  I suppose I should be happy it didn't choose my assular area.  My calendar sez that my days are numbered because that's how calendars work.  So I am condemned to numbered days with a large lump in my crotchular area.  Currently, I have exhausted all my savings meant for my gender reassignment to turn me from a woman into a gender neutral sh*thouse wombat.  But I do have knowledge of funds in an abandoned train in northern Mexico that has been overlooked ever since the movies quit getting scripts for sh*t like that.
 
 
In 2018 a group of stunted munchkin witch doctors combined with a couple gregorian monks left Benin to locate the funds, but somewhere between Benin and Uranus they got hijacked by democrap vote harvesters who are holding them until the 2020 election because the dems need all the illegal votes they can get.  Apparently it's the only way they think they can win.

To this I would add that cnn misunderstood the story and instead published one that led denizens of Burntimore to loot every 7-11 of any toilet paper and beer they could find, as reparations.  cnn isn't too bright but I digress.
I am looking for half-crazed militant emus to take up where the witch doctor munchkins failed, and find those funds that John Wayne and Ann Margret started out to get. 
 
 
If by some miracle the funds are located, I want at least part of it to go to fixing Wheaties so that more eaters of that cereal don't go the way of Bruce Jenner.  I have no fear because before contacted you, I was in contact with a long-dead train robber via Instrumental Transcommunications, who tipped me off that Tom Brady will not win another Super Bowl in 2020, and that the ASPCA will successfully petition the Kentucky Derby to allow the running of t-rexes and Galapagos Tortoises at the next Kentucky Derby, so as not to allow the continuation of species racism.  Bet $100 on the tortoise Vapor Lock to win next year.
 
 
Know that if you involve yourself in this project, you are not guaranteed of anything.  Just the satisfaction of having served in a dubious cause for the greater good of public trash cans not yet pillaged by Antifa.  I would have the following information: Your name and first name, your exact address and your permanent telephone contact so I can forward them to my lawyer to appear that you perform the procedure under deal. I count on your gullible nature and especially on that to allow me to achieve ends that are not enumerated herein, but will become self-evident once the democrap debates remove any doubt that they're all morons in that party.  My private E-mail: dessybk@hotmail.com
 
Awaiting your prompt reply, receive my genital warts as tokens of my depreciation.
 
Mrs Dessy Baharudin   
 
 
The scammer had no taste for this edit.  Neither apparently did the DNC, though it was shared with them.  Seymour thought they needed the help.
 
 

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