Monday, January 16, 2017

When Interpol Comes A Scammin'

Buzzscreed and cnn know this feeling by now.

Now a couple scammers impersonating Interpol are figuring it out...sorta.

Here's their initial ploy, including the supposed to be convincing Interpol logo at the top of the email:





200 Quai Charles de Gaulle, 69006 Lyon, France 
 
RE: YOUR 16.3MILLION USD WITH STANDARD CHARTERED BANK, NIGERIA 
 
This is to inform you that investigations and intellegience conducted by us states that you have an unclaimed US$16.3million with Standard Chartered Bank in Nigeria. This was deposited on your behalf by the National Lottery with regards to the Lottery you won last year.  
 
Your account is currently inactive and will need to be activated with a minimum of $100. You are to contact Bola Adesola, Managing Director/CEO, Nigeria and West Africa 1. Your account number is 3102892372. You are to email Bola Adesola and tell her you will like to activate your account with $100 and claim your $16.3million. You are to ask her how you can send the $100 to her via moneygram or western union. 
 
Once she gives you the details, please make sure you send the $100 same day she gives you the details. She will also give you your online login details to begin your transfer. Feel free to ask me any questions you may have. You are not to ask her any questions as she is too busy to respond to questions. Simply ask her how you can send the $100 and she will attend to you. 
 
Her email is ( bolaadesola@scbank.cf ). 
 
You can read more about her via the link below 
 
Thank you for your understanding. You can contact me via my work email ( mireilleballestrazzi@interpol-eu.cf ) 
 
Mireille Ballestrazzi
Interpol  
 
 
Yawp.
 
This edit was rather like shooting fish in a cnn drink cup:
 
 

200 Quai Charles de Gaulle Le Daid And Stayin' That Way, 69006 Lyon-in-Hole, France  

RE: MESSY BIRD COUP LE SAVE ZE BONE IS WAITED FOR VU AT STANDARD PHARTERED BANK, NIGERIA   

Parlez vous, see through plate, mansewer.  This is to inform you that investigations and a complete and udder lack of intellegience conducted by cnn states that you have been taking golden showers with Liechtensteinian escort ladies at the embassy in Zurich while on an economic mission to establish an alpaca inseminating operation in Vaduz.  All of the auditions conducted by Bill Clinton has been recorded by bugged blue dresses worn  by a number of Bill's auditionees.  It was sponsored in phart by the Substandard Phartered Bank in Nigeria. This was deposed to a dubious recruit of the CIA that worked part time for the Hellary Crimedation and is now applying for unemployment in Finland because Chelsea Mishandler says that North Korea is working on 'the bomb' since Stormtrumper was elected, even though Mishandler's IQ is currently at 5 and dropping.  
 
 
Your accountant was arrested in NYC for having solicited sex from a city zoo yak named Olga.  His bail is currently set at $100.  You are to contact Bola Minutiae Adesola, Managing Douche Canoe/CEO, Nigeria and West African Douche Canoe Department.  Your accountant's criminal reference number is 3102892372. You are to email Bola Minutiae Adesola and tell her you will like to activate a wifi dildo that distracts the yak so your accountant can escape dressed in a $9.95 designer dress made by Moochelle Obola's curtain designer.  You are to ask her how you can send the $100 to her via a trained pterodactyl drone named Maurice that will get within 100 miles or so of the delivery destination without getting shot down by air defenses or knocked up by a cross eyed vulture named Dank.    

Once she gets over the peculiar  details, please make sure you send the $100 via the specific pterodactyl drone as noted in the details. She will also give you your online login details to begin your registration as a raptor sex offender with Audubon officials in Turkey, who are working on the 2017 PETA campaign to replace turkey with torfurkey and grits. 
Yuck.
Feel free to ask me any questions you may have. After you read this, I reckon you've got a shitload.  You are not to ask her any questions about her sexual proclivities or the size of her Kim Kardashian-esque ass, as she is too busy trying to get unwedged from the last chair she mistakenly sat in.  Simply ask her how you can send the $100 via pterodactyl drone and she will respond with a universally understood WTF to you.  

Her email is ( bolaadesola@scbank.cf ).  

You can read more about what happened when Rosie O'Donnell boarded a plane from the back in future links, or in the photo below:
 

Thank you for your anticipated misunderstanding. You can contact me via my work email ( mireilleballestrazzi@interpol-eu.cf ) and ask me anything but common core math problems.  

Mireille Ballestrazzi
Interpol's cnn office in the basement of the DNC  
 
 
So far, the only response this has received was from Canada, protesting our sending our leftist lard butts to Canada:
 
 

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Friday, January 13, 2017

Military Unintelligence

When one of your email accounts gets an email from a military intelligence service for the World Court of Justice...you just KNOW what's going to happen.

'Specially when it was one of my accounts that got it.

Get a jackwagon load of this:


DIRECTORATE OF MILITARY INTELLIGENCE                  SECURITY AND DEPOSIT BUREAU
                 87 DMI PLAZA 24-A BRISTOL

                 STB69 LONDON- UNITED KINGDOM

                 HOTLINE:  +44 703 196 3553

 

Our Ref: DMI/WCJ/PT16

Attention: Jack Ewehoff

Date: 09 / 01 / 2017

 

  We acknowledge the receipt of your message. It is certain our notification will be a Surprise to you but this is a time for you to Rejoice and celebrate because the Governing Board of our esteemed Directorate in conjunction with the Financial Action Task Force of International Court of Justice has gone through the submitted files and records by our attached Surveillance monitoring Agencies and confirmed that YOU are one of the numerous Victims who lost funds in the past in lieu to unlawful scam invasion which many Citizens in different Countries of the World were scammed in such regrettable situations.

 

  The Directorate of Military Intelligence which is a subsidiary organ of the International Court of Justice and World Bank Security Council has mapped out US$16.350.000.00 (Sixteen Million three hundred and fifty thousand USA Dollars) to be paid to YOU as a benefactor listed in Category "D" payment scheme 2016 reward.


  Meanwhile we have moved your File to the verification unit for final verification of your datas and will get back to you when they are through. You are required to send (1)
A copy of your Identification, please send via attachment and (2) Your Present Profession / Occupation (3) Your private phone number (4) Your home or Office address as to facilitate the final processing for the release and payment of your US$16.350.000.00 (Sixteen Million three hundred and fifty thousand USA Dollars)  to you.
 

  Respond back swiftly with your requested information's above. Most Important, Stop every communication with other department(s) for security of your fund. We have applied our esteem security network to ensure that your fund is successfully released to you without hitch.


I remain,

 

Mr. Gary Raymond

Payment Coordinator  



I know what the late George Carlin would have had to say about this.  My responding character took a different tactical route:


DIRECTORATE OF MILITARY INTELLIGENCE FOR PEOPLE WITH GAS
                 INVASION PLANNING BUREAU
                 87 DMI PLAZA 24-A BRISTOL
                 STB69 LONDON- UNITED KINGDOM
                 HOTLINE:  +44 703 196 3553
                 COLDLINE:  +44 703 196 3555
                 DEADLINE: +44 703 195 5335
                 BARLIGHTING LINES:  +44 703 197 5533

Our Ref: GENITAL ORDER #DMI/WCJ/PT16
Attention: LIECHTENSTEIN
Date: 09 / 01 / 2017

  We acknowledge and are certain our notification will be a Surprise to you but this to be expected in the world of military intelligence, for military intelligence is a science not unlike that of Jack 'n Diane in the back seat of a '60 Chevy.  Surprise is all in the world of military affairs, and not having your spouse discover your affair before you have prepared a suitable defense is pretty damned important.  But in Surpriseville, we digress.

  The Directorate of Military Intelligence For People With Gas which is a subsidiary organ of the International Court of Jaundice and World Risk Players Council has mapped out an invasion scenario whereby the Repugnant of Benin will, within a fortnight, invade and subjugate Liechtenstein.  This is necessary as a springbroad to the longer term goal of controlling the world supply of Swiss chocolate replicas of Kim Kardashian's monumental butt. 
 
 
 You have been pre-selected as an advanced notified party of the second part pursuant to Operations Order # 350.001 because we have learned through one of our sources with access to Hellary Clinton's email server that her and Al Franken are sharing fallatio with a yak.
 
 
  We are, of course, taking a risk in revealing this advanced intel to you, and are trusting that you won't leak this to one of the abject dunderheads at msnbc in order to disrupt the 2017 Macadamia Awards with a intemperate and rambling speech about Meryl Streep's painful rectal itch from a routine botoxing scheme she hatched with Michael Mooron for a 2017 dorkumentary about how they are now Muslim which is making no one else wanting to be. 

   Meanwhile we have moved your File to the verification unit for final verification prior to more detailed verification prior to the final last minute verification that you are a douche canoe capable of launching tampon cruise missiles against Targets and Walmarts in Toledo.



  You are required to send (1) A copy of your military capabilities (2) Your Present military procurements  / your military order of farces and state of readiness (3) Your private secretary's phone number  because we hear that she's hot (4) Your ability to repel a Gerbil invasion of Azerbaijan from the shores of Triple Hominy and (5) what will happen to your collection of Homer Simpson "DOH!" wave files if our invasion succeeds.

  Respond back swiftly with incredibly detailed and secret information's above. Most Important, Stop every communication with anyone in the DNC because all their sh*t winds up on Hellary's server and we've seen too many photos of her and Al Franken fallating that yak already.  We have applied our esteem security network to ensure that once we have successfully aided the Benin invasion of Liechtenstein, control of the world's supply of Swiss chocolate replicas of Kim Kardashian's monumental butt will allow us to prevent a second line of Lena Dunham's even more monumental bum.  That'd be worse than an Anthony Weiner sext giving away secrets from the Genital Suckretary of the George Stephanopoulous Bureau of Obola Softball Lack of Intelligence Briefings.  And five minutes of listening to Amy Schumer drivel. 

This is very important.  Our top spy in the Farce -- Yoda -- made it clear that "do or do not; there is no pastry" is non sequitur and should never be tried at home without a judge and jury engaged in critical experimentation to find and the play the brown note at the next DNC convention.  This may be the only way to prevent Hank Johnson from publically talking about Guam tipping over.

 I remain (because my gender reassignment was postponed for genital rebushing),

Mr. Gary Raymond
G-2 in charge of analyzing how I lost 53 consecutive games of Battleship to a marmot sock puppet



..................................................................................................................................................................................
The information contained in this e-mail is intended solely for the use of low information democraps who believe Hellary is the reintarnation of Joan of Ack, a Bill the Cat fantasy hairball that seeks to merge Bloom County with South Park in a reality series not starting even one distant relative of the Kardashians. Access, copying, or re-use of the e-mail or any information contained therein by any person is authorized by a concordat with cnn's faux news burro (making an ass of itself and the whole network since inception). If you are not the intended recipient(s), please enjoy the fact that you're reading this sh*t now and send a note condemning the dubious antecedence to the originator.

My character's hope is that the "World Court of Justice" will, upon receipt of this email edit, shut down their military branch and go back to endless hearings about Guam capsizing.

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Tuesday, January 10, 2017

Major Mistake

When a person claiming to be a major in the "Nurse Corps" of the US Army contacted one of my characters, you just KNOWD it wasn't going to go well.

Here is her ploy:


MaJor Elizabeth DiCampli
Nurse Corps Officer at United States Army
Assignment Under United Nation Syria Chapter
San Diego State University-California State University  
 
My name is Major Elizabeth DiCampli.  Am on Assignment with United Nation Syria Chapter. I live in Hawaii USA. Despite we have not meet face to face i still have a confident trust on you and i believe in your assistant. Am on a special assignment with United Nation here in Syria . I need your help and it will benefit both of us. 
 
My Squad here in Syria rescued the son of the Syrian Prime Minister from the hand of the Taliban's here in Syria . The Prime minister gave us a cash reward my own share of the money is $950,000 Dollars. And i want to trust you so that i can send the money out from here because is not safe staying with me here. 
 
The bank where we camp is not working because of the crisis here if you are watching CNN you will understand what i mean. Can i trust you? If you capable to  help me receive this  money I will give you 30% of the total amount.I want to be sure if you are capable no matter what it takes. I have make all the necessary arrangement on the means of moving it out safely.  Can i trust you? Please get back to me on the email immediately for security reasons. 
 
Regards 
 
Major Elizabeth Dicampli
 
 
The edit that went back contributed largely to the 'not go well' for the major's intended outcome:
 
From: Major Imbecile Elizabeth Dicampli <info@turkerkaya.com>
Sent: Thursday, November 24, 2016 7:23 PM
To: majoredicamplimm@gmail.com
Subject: GET BACK..GET BACK..GET BACK TO WHERE YOU ONCE BELONGED

 

MaJor Imbecile Elizabeth DiCampli
Yak Nursing Corps Officer, United Nations Leggy
Assignment At Behest of United Nation Suckretary Genital
San Diego State University-California State University
Building College Cupcakes Safe Zones Project
 
My name is Major Imbecile Elizabeth DiCampli.  Am on Assignment at the behest of the United Nation Suckretary Genital.  I live in Hawaii USA trying to find Magnum PI and get him to investigate goat rodeos.
 
Despite we have not meet face to face i still have a confident trust on you and i believe in your assistant, who I am telled is a little runt with a fetish for yaks. As for me, I is on meth and a special assignment with United Nation here in Syria, Oklahoma . I need your help in finding the gawddamned place on a map and it will benefit one of us.
 
 
My squad here in Syria, Oklahoma, rescued the son of a yak from the hand of a roving band of talentless banned actors from TV pilot America's Got Twat Waffles premiering here in Syria, Oklahoma. The subprime menstral gave us a cash reward my own share of the money is $9.50 Dollars. And i want to trust you so that i can send the money out from here because if you knew Syria, OK, like I know Syria, OK, you'd know that there is not much that is safe in Syria, OK, during yak menstrual migration season here.
 
The bank along a crick that borders a hawg farm where we camp is not working because of the crisis here; if you are watching CNN you will not understand anything relevant because all they talk about is how Donald Trump said something locker roomy to a sixth grade paragiraffe at a petting zoo he visited in 1956.
 
  Know what I mean, Verne?  Can i trust you when the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie it's not a food fight?  If you capable to help me it will please me because I was judged beyond help by four out of five doctors who use Preparation H to shrink buck teeth.  If after you read this and find it in your fart to give me help of some kind in the form of post defecation prostrate massages which on account of my gender are superfluous unless I identify genderally as a pubic rust room daffodil, I will give you 30% of my shares in Myasma, UnInc., a failed firm operating out of the basement of the Bill Clinton Presidential Office Of Auditioning Genital Humidors, which is probably going to have to close because Broom Stick One lost and has broken every mirror in Chappaqua without her make up.  
 
I haven't as yet make all the necessary arrangement on the means of moving out safely, but I have the will to look for one.  Can i trust you to understand that last sentence? Please get back to me via this most peculiar email immediately for mental and genital security reasons, none of which will be explained in upcoming speaks with you.
 
Regards
 
Major Imbecile Elizabeth Dicampli
 
 
After reading the edited email, the scammer had no apparent desire for further 'speaks' with me, but one of the scammers receiving the edit was apparently a Hellary fan on some level:
 
 
why do you make fun of Clinton?  
 
Because she's so make fun-able of.  You sleeping with her?  I'll make fun of you too.  
 
 
That thought was apparently enough to end further defense of Hellary from that locality...

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Saturday, January 7, 2017

The Illuminincompoops Prove 2017 Ain't Changed

Yawp...new year, same old crap.

It's been a while since any of my email characters have heard from the Nigerian illuminincompoops.  The last little butt polyp to make contact swore that by my having dissed their "oracle", I and my family would not make it out of 2015 alive.

*BUZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZER*

Try again, Bunkie.

So here's their latest ploy which sucks pretty much as all their others:


WARNING...WARNING...WARNING...

IGNORE THOSE CLAIMING TO BE AGENT OF THE ILLUMINATI..
They are fraudulent Nigerians/Africans,they will stop at nothing just to confuse you,
they are fake agents from Nigerians/Africans. they are all over facebook posting themselves with different pages,names and photos of the illuminati organization,NEVER YOU SEND MONEY TO THEM FOR ANY REASON. WE SHALL KEEP EXPOSING THEM TO YOU. BE WARNED NEVER TO CONTACT THEM,IF YOU HAVE ALREADY FALLEN VICTIM NEVER YOU PUT THE BLAME ON THE ILLUMINATI....
 the illuminati will never contact anyone with individual names,please dont lay the blame on the illuminati.
you can only be contacted when your payment for your initiation/membership form and the materials needed for your initiation has been confirmed by our HIGH PRIESTS in the united state.
 the illuminati offers wealth,fame,power,protection,k nowledge and many other things you wish for,including a tax free life,free medical attention,a free pass to travel around the world like every other member,emotional and creative lectures to improve your mind.
 we have been doing this for years,we watches everything,nothing is hidden from us,we are everywhere,we have members all over the world,we rule this world...

NOTE: we have not been recruiting people online nor own social network before now...
throuhout our organizations history many citizens have inaccurately portrayed us in a negative manners.
these misconceptions have been perpetuated for centuries through video,photos,articles,books and unofficial online resources claiming to understand our mission and members.

In creating this online destination,we hope to alleviate the concerns,voiced by your governments and people and seek to provide insight into our goals. we invite you,the human citizens to discover more about our organization and to understand your role in this planetary union because the establishment of the new world order is about to begin,that is why we are giving this equal opportunity to everyone who is interested in joining our organization.
 Are you a POLITICIAN,ENGINEER,FASHION DESIGNER,ATHLETE,DOCTOR,ENTERT AINER,MODEL,TEACHER,GRADUATE/S TUDENT WITH GOOD SKILLS OR YOU HAVE IT IN MIND TO EXPAND YOUR BUSINESS, ETC.
 IF YOU ARE INTERESTED KINDLY Send US AN EMAIL TO THE BELOW Email address ,AND YOU MUST MAKE SURE YOU HAVE FULLY MADE UP YOUR MIND TO BE A MEMBER.

 
 
Yada..yada..yada.
 
 
Obviously they need help with their email.  Obviously I was only too happy to give it to them:
 
 
WARNING WILL ROBINSON...WARNING...WARNING...ILLUMININCOMPOOPS DETECTED!!!

IGNORE THOSE CLAIMING TO BE AGENT OF THE ILLUMININCOMPOOPS..(including this email which is sent by a full of sh*t douche canoe as well)
They -- like me, Jerry Wilson -- are fraudulent Nigerians/Africans,they will stop at nothing just to confuse you, they are fake agents from Nigerians/Africans. they are all over facebook posting themselves with different pages,names and photos of the illuminincompoop organization,NEVER YOU SEND MONEY TO THEM (OR ME) FOR ANY REASON. WE SHALL KEEP EXPOSING OURSELVES TO YOU *FLASHES OPEN RAINCOAT*.  BE WARNED NEVER TO CONTACT US,IF YOU HAVE ALREADY FALLEN VICTIM, ALWAYS BLAME THOSE NIPPLEHEADS OF THE ILLUMININCOMPOOS....
The illuminincompoops will contact anyone with individual names...f**k, we'll contact ANYONE with ANY NAME, so it's okay to lay the blame on the illuminincompoops.

 
Want proof?  Read this sentence:  you can only be contacted when YOUR PAYMENT for your initiation/membership form and the materials needed for your initiation has been confirmed by our TWAT WAFFLE HIGH (ON DRUGS) PRIESTS in the united state.

The Nigerian illuminincompoops falsely offer wealth, fame, power, protection, knowledge and many other things you wish for, especially if you are a millennial college cupcake.  The Nigerian illuminincompoops falsely offer a tax free life, free medical attention, a free pass to travel around the world like every other member, emotional safe rooms with teddy bears, puppies and pastries to give you a place to hide from trigger words like self responsibility, accountability, working for a living and having integrity and ethics.  With the Nigerian illuminincompoops, you'll never have to worry about life's trigger words again!!!
 

 we have been screwing people for years, we watches everything, nothing is hidden from us if it was on hellary's leaky email server, we are like butt polyps at a DNC event in that we is everywhere, we have testimonials from people we've duped all over the world...but for hellary's epic FAIL, we'd rule this world and be giving out inflatable hellary sex toys, endorsed by Bill...

NOTE: we have been recruiting suckers online and on social network before now...throuhout our organizations history many citizens have incredibly accurately portrayed us in a negative manners.  Assholes.  These accuracies have been perpetuated for centuries through video, photos, articles, books and unofficial online resources that know we're full of illuminincompoop sh*t.

In creating this latest jackwagon load of online crapola, we hope to deceive concerns voiced by reasoned, intelligent people and seek to provide 100% deceit asto our goals.  we invite animal, mineral, mental vegetables, hairy fungerers and cosmic muffins, to discover just how full of abject CRAP our organization is and to understand that you're a fluke of the universe, you have no right to be here, and whether you know it or not, the universe is laughing behind your back as we screw you over with one of the most ham-handed scams rampant on the internet.  
 

 IF YOU ARE INTERESTED AND DON'T WANT TO HURT OUR UBER SENSITIVE FEELINGS, KINDLY Send US AN EMAIL TO THE BELOW Email address ,AND YOU MUST MAKE SURE YOU HAVE FULLY MADE UP YOUR MIND TO BE SCREWED, BLUED AND TATTOOED AS ONE MORE SCAMMED IDIOT OF THE NIGERIAN ILLUMININCOMPOOPS.

 
Having once again insulted their oracle -- and a couple-three of the DNC -- I again awaited their *wrath*.
 
*Jeopardy Theme*

This, I gather, passes for Jerry Wilson's *wrath*:


You are a bastard, you gonna be caused because Africans got powers and I'm gonna swear from you flip our shrine
 

I didn't know that your shrine was flippable.  After you crap in it, does it flush BEFORE you flip it?  If not, don't get any on you.


Yawp...nothing new for 2017, at least so far as Scamland goes.

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Wednesday, January 4, 2017

Kim Jong Un Tries The Moochelle School Lunch Program

His soldiers might have wished that he'd meant launch.

My pet rock, Seymour, seems unwilling to quit scanning the news for anything about Kim Jong Un.

Especially when it makes Seymour's editing job easier.

Recently he came across a story about North Korean border guards complaining of diarrhea AFTER having their daily rations "improved" at the order of Kim Jong Un.

I could hear the *TOING* from across the room:

Kim Jong-un's 'special diet' for North Korean soldiers leads to diarrhea outbreak

Kim ordered special food for the soldiers "so that they would not envy Moochelle's school rauch pogrom".

By Seymour PetRock – WTFNS
  

Several hundred thousand North Korean military are down with diarrhea after consuming a special diet ordered by the country's leader, Kim Jong-un after hearing about how unpopular the Moochelle Obola school lunch pogrom has been, surviving and emaciated sources told a clandestine radio service.


Kim had reportedly issued the order for “the same quality food for soldiers as American school kids get from an Obola ordered school raunch pogrom” after reviewing complaints about dietary deficiencies in Obola's school lunch pogrom, and the results were about what Kim Jong Un expected.

"Under the misdirection of Kim Jong-un – Son and Grandson of Cheeseburger – North Korea's people's armed forces increased the supply of materials to clean out their lower GIs," a source in North Hamgyong Province told Radio Free Asia via an email found on Hellary Clinton's elicit server and exposed by Wikileaks, WTFNS reported. The province is located close enough to China for the stench to backdraft to Beijing.

The source added that all the soldiers, from an assortment of eunuchs who reluctantly consumed the new food supply, are suffering from diarrhea.

North Korea faced severe food degradation after switching to the school raunch pogrom designed by flauxtus Moochelle Obola in late August. Officials who visited the raunch ravaged eunuchs informed the leader that the soldiers were not only no longer full of sh..er..crap, but they were emaciated not receiving adequate diet.

In response to the complaints, Kim ordered all the officials executed, the source said.

The predictable result from the 'improved food supply' began cascading into a “sea of sh..er..crap” from late November, but some of the supplies were found to be contaminated with surpluses thrown away enmass by American school kids, as well as special touches thrown in by Kim Jong Un including but not limited to "iron powder", "threads from ralphed up cat hairballs" and “thrice sifted cat box sand”, another source reported. The person added that a supply of special confectionary chocolate – Exlax repackaged as treats – was found to be a long suspected cause for the diarrhea.

The source said that some soldiers cynically describe the outbreak as a "gift from Kim Jong-un", though they do so in Azerbaijani graffiti at overwhelmed outhouses.

A letter of condolences allegedly sent from a public elementary school in the Washington DC area was sent to the soldiers by concerned students. “Whee no how ewe pheel” it said.



North Korea tensionsSeveral hundred thousand North Korean soldiers fell ill with diarrhea after Kim Jong-un ordered special diet for them to assure that none of them got as full of sh...er...crap as their rotund leader - File photo KGAG via the DNC Electoral College Vote Changing Program  


I gave Seymour a well dung for this one.

"Oh PHFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

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Sunday, January 1, 2017

Old Scam Syne

Father Duffy had no part in what's coming up.  Unless Tim Conway made it so.

*DISCLAIMER:  No Siamese elephants or dwarf trainers were harmed during the upcoming edit*

When you get an email that starts with "DIPLOMATIC RONALD JOHN", you know it's gotta be a scam.

And badly writ, too.

Here's how it started:

I AM DIPLOMATIC MR RONALD.JOHN  I have been trying to reach you on your
telephone about an hour now just to inform you about my successful arrival in
George Bush Intercontinental Airport Houston Texas  (USA) with your two boxes
of consignment Box worth $12.5million USA dollars which I have been instructed
by UPS DIPLOMATIC COURIER SERVICE to be delivered to you. The Airport authority
demanded for all the legal back up to prove to them that the fund is no way
related with drug nor fraud money,

I have presented the papers I handed to them and they are very much pleased
with the papers I presented but the only thing that is still keeping me here is
the airport delivery Tag which is not placed on the boxes, one of the Airport
Authority has advise that we get the delivery tag so that I can exit the
airport immediately and make my delivery successful .I try to reason with them
and they stated the delivery tag will cost us just $95 Dollars only to get the
two tags placed on the boxes as that tag will enable me get to your house
successfully without any interference,they scanned the boxes and found out that
the fund is 100 % spend able and accepted by any bank in the whole world.  


So all my character is tasked with doing is coming up with $95 to liberate Diplomatic Ronald John from the GHW International airport in Houston, TX.  Because, his email concludes, "Urgent Response is needed because here is very busy and hot"  

This was received on November 18th.  Busy, probably...hot?  LOL.

So as to not keep the diplomatic waiting, I had my 'editing gone wild' pet rock, Seymour, don his 'edit hat' and have a go:


On Friday, November 18, 2016 6:30 AM, MR RONALD.JOHN <lucrom001@alice.it> diplomatic'ed:
I AM DIPLOMATIC MR RONALD.JOHN.  Spare me the smartass replies about
floor mats, door mats, toilets, et al.
I have been trying to reach you on your telephone about an hour now just to
discover that my arms aren't that long and never remotely were.
I had a dream about my successful arrival in George Bush Intercontinental Airport
Houston Texas  (USA) with two bimbos for Bill Clinton -- inflatable Lena Dunham
toys -- and was arrested for importing toxic waste.  Who knew?  Okay, so everyone
around there did.
I have been instructed by OOPS DIPLOMATIC CATERER SERVICE to have a
DIPLOMATIC by BONCO delivered to you. The Airport authority demanded all the
legal OSHA required back up alarms to be attached to Whoopi Goldblob to prove to
them that she won't sit on anybody first, and that the Clinton Crimedation is no way
related with drug nor fraud money. 

Oh whoops on the latter.

I have presented the papers I handed to them and after checking my papers
they did not call me "pig" so that it appears that I am not a SNL skit and they
are very much pleased because SNL should be where The Gong Show is.

The only thing that is still keeping me here is a group of mangy looking
protesters that are blocking the runway and chanting "Who Is Paying For
Cher's move to Uranus?"  Isn't Sonny?

One of the Airport Authority has advise that we can get out of here only
after we pay $95 to mount Smash Burgers on a moveable cart and
drag it past the protesters, who'll immediately forget what they're
here for and instead take up a PETA protest after the cart. 
I try to reason with them that this make no sense when being interviewed
by cnn and msnbc people who are still in tears because Hellary appeared
on TV without make up and scared the living crap out of their sock puppet
collection.

I can not afford to spend more time here due to my pending audition on
Survivor XIX:  A WEEK IN THE BASEMENT OF THE DNC. 
On second thought, I'm fine with being delayed here.
Tell my Head Office in Benin Republic that OOPS is not the proper
acronym for UPS and that they should replace my ass with DIPLOMATIC
MR KELLY MORGAN, cuz his name is my name too...whenever we go
out, the people always shout, "who is that twat waffle douche tra la la la la".
They can call one of us names at  17139993055. 

(Here Is Your Package Unlocking CODE(AWB33XZS).  That will
allow you to inflate these rather ugly Lena Dunham toys...if you're
truly perverted.

Urgent Response is needed because here is very busy and hot
Email me :(
joyj32157@gmail.com)  

This drew no response from the diplomatic, but one of my long suffering scammers did bother to reply to this thus:


WHY?  


Why NOT?  

Why not indeed ;-)

He didn't bother to inquire further.  And I don't blame him; a mere picture of Lena Dunham is nauseating enough...

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Thursday, December 29, 2016

Seymour Ain't Letting Up on Kim Jong Un

My pet rock, Seymour, cannot contain himself when he sees an article about Kim Jong Un.

Like recently, when it was announced that citizens and soldiers supportive of Kim Jong Un's regime were receiving awards.

Like they had a choice.

Donning his *editing pet rock gone wild* hat, Seymour pitched in to this latest Kim Jong Un revelation with relish and a side of fries:



North Korea commends workers, soldiers not yet executed for remaining cowed by Kim Jong Un


By Seymour PetRock – WTFNS


SEOUL, Dec. 20 (UPI) -- North Korea held a staged commendation ceremony to recognize citizens not yet executed and/or imprisoned who played a part in supporting the comic opera regime, according to state media organ KGAG.


Pyongyang's toilet paper alternative newspaper Rode Hard Put Away Wet dutifully reported Tuesday a ceremony that honored "the workers and soldiers – not yet executed and/or imprisoned – who contributed to the spread of Kim Jong Un's efforts to get a prominent role in the sequel of Team America World Police under the whole sky" on Monday in Wack Dong He (some )Assembly (required) Hall.


The newspaper did not mention whether Kim Jong Un had been a “faithless elector” and changed his electoral vote or not, though it was rumored that hosebeast Michael Mooron's offer to pay his fines was “rearry tempting”.


A medal named after the rotting corpse of North Korea founder Kim Il Sung went to Ding Chao Ping, and a medal named for similarly decaying remnants of Kim Jong Il was awarded to the rebuilt marionette Arec Bardwin, a key player in the first Team America World Police movie, according to the report.


Merits for "surviving interrogation" went to what's left of eight people including Dang Dung Poo. Others were recognized with the Kim Il Sung-Kim Jong Il commendation execution anti-aircraft gun minature action figure or the Kim Il Sung-Kim Jong Il youth tampon award.


A citation named after current leader Kim Jong Un – which he received from a Wonsan traffic cop Un subsequently had strapped to a test rocket that blew up over the Sea of Japan – was also included in the ceremony."Award panelists commented even the tiniest result was given the highest honor, since otherwise the ceremony would have been over in two minutes” anonymous sources afraid of execution said.


State media organ KGAG also noted 2017 is the year marking the 105th birthday of "Comrade Kim Il Sung" and the 75th birthday of "Comrade Kim Jong Il and the 35th birthday of “Comrade Moo Kow Sung” the Wonder Yak.


"A resolution was hastily drafted and adopted to mark the [upcoming] year of proud victory in Kim Jong Un's campaign to be the prominent figure in an upcoming Team America World Police sequel," the alternative toilet paper opined.


North Korea recently ignored the response by TAWP creators Trey Parker and Matt Stone to Un's ongoing efforts at getting TAWP sequeled. “That's f***ed up right there”.


According to South Korean sources not yet caught and tortured, residents of Pyongyang observed a three-month silence and traffic was stopped near Kim Il Sung Square due to a giant kimshi pothole on Saturday.


A life sized inflatable Kim Jong Un – softly whistling from a slow leak – attended a ceremony at the Kumquat Palace of the Glorious Fish Head as top official Choe Ryong Hae was executed for having yawned during Un's soulful rendition of the song made famous by his father, Kim Jong Il, “I So Ronery.”

This one just might get Seymour his coveted "Pull My Fanger" Award for literary chutzpah.

"Will NOT!!!  PHFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT!!!"

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Sunday, December 25, 2016

NEVER Try To Scam Santa

Being mooned by a snowman is the least of your worries when you try to scam Jolly St. Nick.

Not that this was in the intention of the scammer who tried to impersonate Homeland Security:


I,m Jeh Charles. Johnson. The secretary of the U.S Department of Homeland
security Washington DC. Office Address:
3801 Nebraska Ave NW, Washington, DC
20016, United States
. We received a report from ECOWAS that you have an
abandoned fund worth U.S.D 12.5 Million in West Africa. I have instructed
ECOWAS and the concerned authorities to bring the consignment box to our Head
office in Washington DC. the fund will arrive my office today. I want you to
kindly Reconfirm Your Full Name, Current Home Address, Nearest Airport and your
Direct Cell Phone # So that preparation can be made for the delivery of the
consignment to your home address
Chat Conversation End  


My pet rock, Seymour, decided that it was his turn to take to task a Christmas scammer, and he did it with an edit worthy of no one at the North Pole, aside from a couple of elves annoyed with the "Elf on a Shelf" abuses run amok online:


To: jehcharles14@gmail.com
Subject: Re: FELGERCARB FROM SOCK PUPPET SECURITY

 
jehcharles14@gmail.com
On Sunday, December 18, 2016 3:51 PM, Jeh Charles. Johnson, having ingested a sh*tload of egg nog laced with Exlax <giulianogambacorta@alice.it> wrote:
 
I..I say that's I...I say that's me..Jeh Charles Johnson, and I has the singular or plural
pleasure of being knowd as the Suckretary of the Obola diminished Department of
SOCK PUPPET SECURITY.   I make do with palatial orifices located in Washington
 DC. Orifice Address: 3801 Nebraska Ave NW, Washington, DC, 20016, United States.

In a nonplussing turn of events not foreseen by pollsters, msnbc or the DNC oracle
shaped like a toilet that was kept hidden in DWS's orifice until it was time to have to
read it -- at which time it had to be hosed off -- we received a report from ACOWSASS that
you have been determined to be on Santa's "very very VERY BAD LIST" and I have
thus been instructed by ACOWSASS and the concerned authorities to arrange for you
to receive from Santa, that which your very very VERY BAD behavior is deserving of
you to receive.

This is irrevocable, as you have been very very VERY that BAD.

I want you to Reconfirm Your Full Name and Current Home Address
so that Santa is certain to crap down the proper chimney.

 Chat Conversation End Roger Over and Out.

 
This probably netted me a lump of coal; then again, since Seymour joined a carbondating site, that could work out well for him.

"Did NOT!!!  PHFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT!!!"


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