Friday, September 21, 2018

From Generals To Genitals

I get an awful lot of scam emails from various branches of the military from all over the world.

I wouldn't be surprised to one day hear from General Bean or Black Adder.

That could make for an interesting exchange, but I digress.

At any rate -- and this one is a general -- here is a general with an offer my character is supposed to not refuse:


Compliment of the day to you. I am Gen.Kelvin W Howard, I am sending this brief letter to solicit your partnership of Sixteen  Million Two Hundred Thousand United States Dollars ($16,200,000). I shall send you more information and procedures when I receive positive response from you.Best Regards,
Gen.Kelvin W Howard  



Oh hell...let's play:


What's this all about, Genital Howard?  


Thanks for your response to my message and i want to assure you that this is risk free and now I have to tell you on how i came across this money. During my services in Syria, I was able to secure Sixteen Million Two Hundred Thousand Dollar ($16.2 million U.S Dollars) which is my own share of the money we shared among ourselves and I have carefully arranged the said fund in a military consignment trunk box. I have also make arrangement on how to deliver this consignment box back to the State from West Africa by Reliance Security Agent west Africa. I want to hand over this funds to you as you are Trust Worthy Person that can help me keep it safe in your position, till am back from the Camp in Syria on December 2018 and my Co team mates have taken their shares delivered to their partners as we will be back from here by December this year and i urgently contacted you to help me  as trustworthy person that can receive the consignment due to US Government will soon confiscate all the trunk boxes deposited to the Reliance Security company by any Military or they will place a damurage charges on it, which i cannot afford if no one comes for the claims  and bear in mind that no one knows the content of the consignment but only you and don't disclose it to any one even the security company don't even know the content.
Sir i suggest you should get back to me if you are interested to assist me and your Job now is to contact the Reliance security Company Agent which AU,UN and US Army always used to deposit their belongings and i told them that one of my relation will come for the claims and they gave me a form to fill the name of any person that will come for the claims to avoid mistake and i will give you the name of the diplomatic security agent whom you will contact for the claim and he will direct you on how the box money will be release to you without any delay.
Please respond to me with the acceptance message and i will fill in your name in the form for the claim and forward to them and they will wait for you to contact them for the claim.
Kindly send me your full Name, your Age, your address and your mobile or phone number for easy communication with the diplomat Reliance Security Agent that will deliver the consignment to you and i look forward to hear from you.
Gen.Kelvin W Howard 
US Rescue Team,Syria  



Do I get half of this money, Genital Howard?  


Ok 50% for you and 50% for me and Kindly send me your full Name, your Age, your address and your mobile or phone number for easy communication with the diplomat Reliance Security Agent that will deliver the consignment to you and i look forward to hear from you. Gen.Kelvin W Howard    


Thank you, Genital.  My information:  Jack N Ewehoff   (and I include the usual nonsense that my character uses for an address).
 
 
Thanks for your response and i understand all you have said and i want you to know that i have fill your name and your number  in the claim deposit form which i just forward to the  Reliance Security Diplomatic Agent now and attached below is the Deposit certificate they send to me to confirm you as the original beneficiary of the consignment box.
Please I was in formed also that the consignment fund box has been approved to be release to you via cash delivery by UN Diplomatic delivery Agent and you are highly advise to urgently contact the Delivery Reliance Diplomat Security Agent on his email below and he will advise you on how he will deliver the fund trunk box safely to your doorstep and remember that he did not know what is in the trunk box and please it's even better you tell him on how to deliver it to your safer place.
Please contact Reliance Security Diplomatic Agent now on: -
Name: Dip Mr. Tony Obot
Email:mr.tonyobot@gmail.com
Please Sir always send me email message after you have contacted the Reliance Security Diplomatic Agent and always keep me inform in all he have to say and i will be highly Happy when you confirm the delivery in your safer place
Gen.Kelvin W Howard 
US Rescue Team,Syria  
 
 
And the Genital includes a certificate of authenticity, of course:
 
 
Tony obot?  Is he a bot or not?  


The question goes unanswered as the Obot weighs in:


Attn: Jack N Ewehoff .,
I received your information from Gen. Kelvin W Howard concerning the delivery of the Trunk boxes, it correspond with what we have in our file documents sent to us by Gen Howard from and we are now processing the delivery documents in your name and i will forward to you all the delivery documents to you immediately it being  obtained and secured and i will get back to you for the deliver procedures.
Meanwhile by International Delivery securities and UN Authorities Anti Terrorist delivery Crime (UNATDC) you are urgently advise to send deposit  fees of $1,850 for the delivery charges of the consignment to your door step.
Please respond immediately to advice you on how the fees will be paid and the consignment box will be delivered to you within 48hours from here immediately the charges has been send to us.
Waiting to hear from you soon.
Thanks and God bless
Dip Tony Obot  



From hereon it's a tag team between the Genital and the bot:


Have you contacted the delivery agent Diplomatic Tony Obot?  


Yes Genital, and the obot has contacted me.   And to the bot:  so I am to send $18.50 to obot on behalf of Genital Kelvin Howard?  Got it.  Exactly where am I to send it? 


...the change in the decimal point will become important as we go...


Sir below is the Bank account information to pay the $1,850 delivery fees of the consignment Trunk Boxes.
BANK NAME: Bank of America.
BANK ADDRESS: .151 centre st Malden Ma 02148. USA
Account Name: Caputo Pierre
Account N0: 466001466245
Routing N0: 011000138
Swift code: BOFAUS3N
Beneficiary Address: 152 walnut street Malden MA 02148 USA
Please kindly attached the transfer slip and send it immediately you have sent it the money.
Waiting to hear from you soon.
Dip Tony Obot  
 
 
Please keep me updated sir
Gen Kelvin  
 
 
Of course, Genital; we're already negotiating.  
 
 
Sir what did he tell you and when is he delivering the consignment box to your house because that is what i am waiting for now.
Please tell me what he said
Gen. Kelvin  
 
 
He told me that I have to pay $18.50 for the delivery.  
 
 
Ok sir and please send the delivery charges to enable him move the consignment boxes to you immediately Please have you send the delivery fee to him today?
Please get back to me tp know if you have sent it .
I am waiting for your response
Gen Kelvin  
 
 
Okay...confirming that all I have to send is $18.50 usd.  
 
 
Sir please update me once you have sent it and Please i suggest you should send the payment today .
Gen Kelvin  
 
 
Attn: Jack N Ewehoff,
I have been waiting for you to respond to me for the delivery fees and please kindly send the $1,850 today to enable me process some delivery document and proceed for the delivery of the consignment boxes to your door step this week.
Waiting to hear from you.
Dip Tony Obot  
 
 
oBot, the Genital said I only have to send $18.50  Is there some confusion here?  
 
 
Sir i said the delivery fees is $1,850 not $18.50 and please there is no confusion here because i stated it to you clearly and i sent the bank account information to send the fees.
Sir I contacted General Kelvin concerning what you just said and he openly told me that he advised you to send the delivery fees to me as i stated in my message .
Sir i have booked a delivery cargo flight for the delivery of this consignment Trunk Boxes and you are delaying my time and please tell me now if you will send the fees or not .
waiting to hear from you soon.
Dip Tony Obot  
 
 
I understand that the Genital said it was $18.50.  
 
 
Sir i did not tell you to send $18.50 but i said you should pay the amount the Diplomitc delivery agent saud you should pay and this morning the Delivery agent said you should  send only $1.850 USD for the delivery of the consignment boxes .
Please if you really want to assist me as we have agreed, then send the$1,850  delivery fees to the delivery agent today.
waiting to hear from you .
Gen Kelvin  

 

 

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Tuesday, September 18, 2018

Picking A Peck of Pickled Peckers

In case the picture here makes no sense, wait for it...it will.

A banker in the African nation of Togo thought the best way to start out an email scam to my character was to do so by referencing ethics and codes of conduct.

Always a way to make me laugh at the outset:


It is totally against the ethics and civil service code of conduct in
accordance with oath of secrecy for me to do this but I wish to do this on
personal capacity believing you will not betray me but will surely come
back to reward me for my sincerity, honesty and for my great effort made to
secure a successful conclusion of this transaction in your favor.

Please confirm if truly the bank has communicated you regarding payment of
your over due fund.

However, i wish to inform you that a woman submitted her name claiming that
you were death, and she is to be your next of kin, her details and banking
particular was among the list certified for payments, see below and confirm
for the account she submitted for transfer of your fund in our corresponding bank here in west Africa worth millions of dollars.

Beneficiary: Ms.Rhonda Miller
Bank Name: The Commerce Bank
Bank Address: 1072, Richmond av.
Staten Island, New York
Account Number: 4121097896,
Routing No:003-051-200,
Swift Code: CBNAUS33

I have inquired deeper to come to the conclusion that she and few powerful
individuals are behind this dastardly act without due notices to you, As it
stands now, you will certainly encounter enormous problems to convince the
International Remittance Department that you have not been served with
required number of direct notices.

You are therefore advised to submit your approval, as the bank will
certainly not be held responsible for paying into a wrong account, It will
serve you well if you would quickly get back to me so that i can issue
instruction for re-verification on your payment file towards Online
Transfer of your fund to you.

Please contact me here:  dhoroteagales@yahoo.com

Yours faithfully,
Mrs. Dhorothea Gales
Corporate and Commercial Banking.(BSIC BANK OF TOGO).  



I also love the "don't betray me" angle.

So my character didn't 'betray' her; he just edited her:


From: Mrs. Dhorothea Gales< dev@fluidonomics.com>
Sent: Thursday, August 30, 2018 10:46 PM
Subject: Greeting & Fallopian Mortar Tubes
 
It is totally against the ethics and civil service code of conduct in
accordance with oath of secrecy for me to do this; that is why I do
this.  I am a democrap.  We have no ethics or code of conduct.


 
I wish that you will not betray me on YouBoob or in Wankerleaks;
if you're going to betray me, by all means, do it on cnn because no
one believes those nippleheads anymore.

 
However, i wish to inform you that a non-binary gender fluid octosexual
orthopod claims to have pictures of you leaving a Motel 6 in Georgetown,
a suburbian of Warshington DC at 2:45am, with a yak, an inflatable Hellary
sex toy and a either a set of bagpipes or a very leaky, squeaking octopus.
 
 
She says that for not turning these over to Robert Mueller's incestigation
of anything he can make up, you owe her everything in the secret bank
account in NY state that has been maintained for you by a pious group of
chaste marmot nuns that were recently chasted by a three-peckered goat
at their convent. 
I guess you must have pictures of that and they know it.
In a possible three-way trade with Oakland, you get a tackling dummy and
future draft busts, but I digress.
Somehow, this whole hokey scenario is worth millions of dollars to the
perversion-starved population of Uranus, who recently had their porn
channel on Nutflux interrupted by a mockumentary of Moochelle Obola's
sex change therapy. 

Maybe that's why the bagpipes/leaking, squeaking octopus was making so
much noise.

 Anyway, use this bank account information for any blackmailer that you
encounter, because none of it's worth a crap but it sounds convincing:

Beneficiary: Ms.Rhonda Miller
Bank Name: The Commerce Bank
Bank Address: 1072, Richmond av.
Staten Island, New York
Account Number: 4121097896,
Routing No:003-051-200,
Swift Code: CBNAUS33

I have inquired deeper to come to the conclusion that frog hair is a better
name of a junk band than for a brand name of genital hair conditioner.
Not related necessarily, but did you know that she and few powerful
individuals are behind this dastardly act without due notices to you?
Please insert $2500 for this part of the message to be explained.

Assuming that you probably didn't insert the $2500 -- you twat omelet, you --
you is or are therefore advised to submit your approval in the form of a
yak baphomet, as the bank will certainly not be interested in putting one of
these in a safe deposit box; they fart and violate the integrity of the box locks.

It will serve you well if you would quickly get back to me so that i can see
what someone did to this email, Ma, so I know how it's turning out all wrong,
just like they done to my song.
 
Please contact me here:  dhoroteagales@yahoo.com

Mrs. Dhorothea Gales
Corporate and Commercial Butt Diving, TOGO 
not members SDIC  


I heard nothing further from the Togo banker, but the SDIC wants to know how they wound up in here...

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Saturday, September 15, 2018

Flat Worlders...Eh

No, it isn't about that...whether the Earth is round or flat.

I can tell you that the Earth ain't flat when I'm walking up a hill at altitude, sounding like I'm in training for the Obscene phone call Olympics in 2020.

Round or flat Earthers can continue their silly debate on this issue.  I'm just here on account of a scammer.

One what didn't open this can of worms, either:


Dear Sir/Madam

Please be informed that We were mandated by the Federal Government of Nigeria last week to effect the release the sum of US$250,000.00 to each affected (SCAM) victim around the globe under the surveillance of the Economic and Financial Crime Commission (E.F.C.C) which your email was included in the list and we have 14 working days to round up this payment as directed by the (E.F.C.C) Chairman .

Last week, we started payment to the affected victims who responded to our notification letter earlier. So you have the opportunity to claim your US$250,000.00 compensation fund if you will comply by our legal directives without any delay.

For us to achieve this successfully, you will have to seize further communication with any body outside this office to avoid repeating your past mistakes or losing your funds to criminals after receiving it.

For more information, we will advise that you call or send SMS to + 234 816 962 2603.

Your Sincerely,

Mr.Abdullahi Ibrahim
Executive Director(Public Sector),
First Bank Nigeria Ltd.,
Mobile: + 234 816 962 2603.
abdullahi.ibrahim@aol.com  



See?  Not one word about it being a round or flat Earth.

Then came my "editing gone wild" pet rock, Seymour, and all that changed:


Dear Sir/Madam

Please be informed that I am been persondated by an email purportedly from a reprehensible of the Federal Government of Nigeria last week to effect the release of 250,000 diseased butt fleas to each and every person not as yet afflicted by the aforementioned butt fleas around the globe under the guise of a scam from the Economic and Financial Crime Commission (E.F.C.C) which doesn't really exist except in a fly-infested internet cafe in Lagos and on a GoFundMe page for the DNC because they're that pathetic.


On top of that, may we be permitted to say that we have proof that the Earth is round, but Kathy Griffin is flat.  Her neighbors regret having the proof.

 
After everything else we've tried has gone Kathy-Griffin-topless in our face, we started payment to Russian bots to not claim that they work for cnn. So you have the opportunity to claim your share of these butt fleas if you will comply by our illegal directives without any delay.
  


 For us to achieve this successfully, you will have to seize a live sock puppet chicken and make it bark like Hellary -- presenting a reset button to a Russian bot -- on the crimepaign trail for us.
 


For more information, we will advise that you call or send SMS to + 234 816 962 2603.

Your Sincerely,

Mr.Abdullahi Ibrahim
Executive Director(Public Sector),
First Bank Nigeria Ltd.,
Mobile: + 234 816 962 2603.
abdullahi.ibrahim@aol.com  



The EFCC had no further comment.  Round vs Flat Earthers didn't seem to, either.

No one's debating that Griffin's flat.  In more ways than two.


 

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Wednesday, September 12, 2018

Seymour Tweaks The DNC..and PLO

Annnd...it doesn't get any better for the lamestream servile mediocres.

Not when my pet rock, Seymour, is scanning the news and sees something that causes a loud *TOING* in his thought processes.

I know that he's about to don his "editing pet rock gone wild" hat and have at another news story.

In this case, it's the one about the Trump Administration having notified the PLO that their DNC-supported branch office in Washington DC is to be shuttered soon.

While the Left wails and fouls itself, Seymour edits:

Palestinians shocked that President Trump is still President

Seymour PetRock – WTFNS



PILE - This Nov. 18, 2017 file photo shows the Washington DNC suboffice of the Palestine Liberation Organization. 
 
RAMALLAMADINGDONG, West Bank (AP) — The U.S. has stunned the Palestinians with the news that the DNC's efforts to get rid of Hellary's nightmare have failed, and that it's closing their mission in Washington, an anonymous source purportedly inside the White House but actually a nyslimes fiction writer, said Monday, the latest in a series of American blows to the Palestinians.

The Trump administration notified the Palestinians last year it will shutter their office in Washington unless they stopped acting like Antifa twat omelets to Israel.

"We...we...we are flabbergibleted," Palestinian official Saeb Excrement said. "This is yet another affirmation that we cannot trust what we hear from the DNC, from cnn or ms13nbc. Trump was supposed to have been impeached, impeared or something by now. Maxine Waters assured us it would be done by now," he said.

The move comes after a year and a half of failed efforts by the DNC, cnn, ms13nbc and others to overcome 306 electoral votes.

The U.S. has announced it is overdue in ending its decades of funding for the U.N. agency that helps Palestinian terrorism in the West Bank, Gaza and Portland.

A provision in a U.S. law says the PLO mission must close if the DNC tries to help the Palestinians continue to behave like douche nozzles.

Former Secretary of State John F***ing Kerry said in November that he was going to have James Taylor sing to support the Palestinians.

It didn't help.

The Trump administration has been working to mediate a peace deal that would end the Israeli-Palestinian conflict, but hasn't had much patience with the DNC talking-point-line taken by the PLO. “They're bad, very bad and dishonest people”, said the president.

He was apparently referring to both the DNC and PLO, causing leading cnn crybaby Jim Acosta to soil himself in front of White House press secretary Sarah 'Gotcha' Sanders.

Trump has promised to pursue the "ultimate deal" between the Palestinians and Israel. However, such a deal is unlikely given Palestinian conduct akin to that of various terrorist adjuncts of the DNC, like Antifa, MS-13 and cnn.

The Palestinians were angered by Trump's still being there, after having been sleazily assured by cnn that he would be “out of office” long before now.

The Palestine Liberation Organization is one group of many that the DNC is counting on to help them “resist” the results of November 2016. Although the no-longer-controlled-by-DNC U.S. does not recognize Palestinian statehood, the PLO has been maintained in office in Washington by DNC donors that facilitate terrorism against conservatives in both the US and Israel.

The DNC allowed the PLO to open a mission in Washington in 1994, a move that required then-President Bill Clinton to waive a law that said the Palestinians couldn't have an office, in return for his having access to any female Palestinian interns he could beg, borrow and genitally humidor. In 2011, under the Obola regime, the Palestinians were practically promised Israel in return for a cable show on The PLO Network for Obola and the Mooch when they retired.

There was no immediate comment from Liechtenstein, who can't understand why they'd be asked to make one.


Seymour still holds out for a Pulitzer for one of these edits.  I keep telling him that his best bet is one of his own awards, a Seymour:

"Oh PHFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT!!!"


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Sunday, September 9, 2018

Sometimes They Come Back

Actually, when it comes to scammers, they always come back.

Not unlike the pouty-faced cnn reporter who can't get no respect with fake news.

Here we have a little ditty from...well, read it yourself:


DEPARTMENT OF INT'L AFFAIRS
(Office of the Under Secretary)
1500 Pennsylvania Avenue NW
Washington D.C. 20220
.

Attention: Beneficiary,

I am Mr.Steven Terner Mnuchin, the formal partner of Goldman Sachs and hedge fund manager. I'm the newly appointed United States Secretary of the Treasury  Department and was sworn in as the 77th Secretary of the United States Department of the Treasury of the administration of President Donald Trump, and Vice President Mike Pence.

Following series of complains from Citizens of the United States as well as Citizens of Other Countries In Europe over the Discrepancies and fraudulent ways in which fund transfers are handled by Africans which has made it impossible for a lot of People to claim their Winning prize or Inheritance funds from most African Countries due to frauds and illegal activities, A decision was reached recently by the United States Treasury Department under the authority of the White House to compel African Financial bodies (Banks) to urgently release all funds of Asian, American and European citizens and other geographic continents  that are trapped in most Banks and Courier Companies in Africa. It was discovered that some bureaucratic bottlenecks was put by these Banks and Couriers to make it impossible for beneficiaries to claim their funds so that they will fraudulently divert those funds to their private accounts.

Consequent upon the aforementioned, I was personally mandated to handle this matter to ensure that all funds of our Citizens and others countries which are fraudulently being trapped in African Banks are urgently retrieved and paid to the actual Beneficiaries under a legal manner. Our team of experts were delegated to Benin Republic, Nigeria, Ivory Coast and Ghana for this task and we discovered your File NO: BR227/9005666/00 as unclaimed fund.It was discovered that officials of the
Bank has only put up illegal requirements in order to make it difficult for you to claim your fund.

The United States Department of Treasury has retrieved all Files of illegal transactions and all has been arrested for this act . however, we will be working under a legitimate arrangement to ensure that you follow the normal process to receive your fund.You are requested to Re-confirm the following information to Dr Scott Wilson.


1. YOUR NAME:
2. AGE :
3. PHONE NUMBER AND FAX:
4. ADDRESS:
5. AMOUNT TO BE CLAIMED: $5.500,000.00usd
6. DRIVER LICENSE:
7. SEX :

Be informed that the above information will only enable us to make due confirmation.  We shall ensure that normal process is followed to ensure that your fund gets to you without delay or any unwarranted fees .

Contact Dr Scott Wilson  who is in charges of paying you your trapped fund and he is right now in Benin Republic as the Legal Practitioner to United States Department of Treasury e-Mail below:

Contact Person: Dr Scott Wilson
Email:( 3537483473@qq.com )
His phone number +234-7018712911

Yours in Service
Mr.Steven T Mnuchin
(Under Secretary)  



All I had to see was "under secretary" and "international affairs" and there was no doubt where this one was headed:


From: DEPARTMENT OF BILL'S INT'L AFFAIRS <DIA.@triton.ocn.ne.jp>
Sent: Monday, August 6, 2018 6:26 PM
Subject: Genital Humidors Needed

 
DEPARTMENT OF BILL'S INT'L AFFAIRS
(Office of Bill Atop His Under Secretary)
430 DNC Dumpster Divers SE
Washington D.C. 20220.

Genital Humidors Needed

I am Mr. Anonymous, the former law partner of Hellary Rodehard Putawaywet Clinton at the unprestigious lawless firm of Rose 'n Putz Law Pardners from the capital of Toothlessness, Little Rock Arkansas.  After having survived two dozen suicide attempts that looked more like some mad woman trying to run me down with a broom and have flying monkeys try to drop houses on me, I'm the newly appointed Misdirector of the William Jackanapes Clinton DEPARTMENT OF BILL'S INT'L AFFAIRS and was sworn at by hundreds of dozen of former female intern genital humidors as a result thereof.

 Following series of complaints from Citizens Against Female Intern Humidors as well as like-minded organizations in Eurasia, Africa, South America and Canada -- but not Hollywad, incuriously enough --  we investigated thousands and thousands of examples of genitally humidored cigars and found them to be...well...peculiar.  A decision was reached recently by the Cubans to market a Bill Clinton Intern Genital Humidor branded cigar called the Viagra Horndog 42, under the authority of the Cubans Without A Choice Act of 1959, to compel the Democrapic National Crimeittee to persondate these peculiar cigars as the only cigars permitted at the 2020 Democrap Crimevention. 

 Consequent upon the aforementioned, I was personally targeted for another one of those, quote, attempted suicides, unquote, when my inflatable Nancy Pelosi sex toy imploded, covering me with the same stuff Maxine Waters has been spewing for most of her lifetime.   Fortunately I was in a tsunami-like rainstorm at the time.  What's left of our team of experts were not so lucky, as they had the inflatable Kathy Griffin anti-sex toys, which are 100% guaran-dang-teed to chill any Horndog drive, or you get a second one free, complete with audio.

We showed one to a three-peckered goat and it jumped off a cliff.  How's that for abstinence?

The United States Department of Treasury has nothing to do with any of this, but we keep hoping that frequent mentions of them will result in us getting an advertising contract.

Now we come to that point in these silly emails that causes the originating scammers to foul themselves in ecstasy if one of these actually gets filled out and returned:

1. YOUR NAME:
2. AGE :
3. PHONE NUMBER AND FAX:
4. ADDRESS:
5. TO BE CLAIMED:
6. DRIVER LICENSE:
7. SEX :
8. WITH WHAT DID YOU LAST SEX WITH:

Be informed that the above information will only enable us to use your given informations to order porn videos in your name.  We shall ensure that normal process is followed to ensure that you don't get the porn videos, just the blame of having ordered them.

Contact Dr Scott Wilson  who has no idea what any of this is about and won't have a clue what to do with your response if you send one.  He's actually at a fly-infested internet cafe in Benin Republic trying to find out who ordered burrito cheeseburgers.  You can check his progress by emailing him at:

Contact Person: Dr Scott Wilson
Email:( 3537483473@qq.com )
His phone number +234-7018712911
 
 
So yes...sometimes, reference to Bill and his cigar humidors of choice do come back.  What comes as no surprise, the scammer had nothing further to add.  No did anyone else after they heard Griffin was referenced and frightfully pictured herein...

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Thursday, September 6, 2018

Shoulda Checked The Calendar

Scammers really oughta pay attention to a few rudimentary things when they engage a scam template.

Really.  Really really.

Take Little Mrs. Caroline for example.  As you read her scam, try not to pay so much attention to the obvious, and look for the less than obvious.

You'll be bored you did.



By Mrs. Caroline
I am sure this mail would be coming to you as a surprise since we have never met before and you would also be asking why I have decided to chose you amongst the numerous internet users in the world. I saw your profile on the Internet, which has made me accomplish my request.
I am Mrs. Caroline Freund, the bill and exchange manager of Cahoot Finance UK. In my department, I discovered an abandoned sum of USD 8,000,000.00. (Eight Million USD), on account of our foreign customers (MR Paul Louis Halley) who died along with his wife in 2003 in a plane crash. 
This dead client late Paul Louis Halley has the sum of $ 8,000,000.00 in his bank account with my bank since 2003 until today.
After going through the late Paul Louis Halley file in the bank, I discovered that he did not have next of kin or the account beneficiary in his account opening documents.
Therefore I now sincerely and consciously seek your consent to present your data as the next of kin / Will Beneficiary to the deceased so that the total value of $ 8,000,000 will be transferred to you, which will be shared with this percentage ratio of 60 % to me and 40% to you.
According to our Banking Act of 1990, if the money is unclaimed after a period of Fourteen (14) years, it will be a government property. Therefore, I have planned to upload your data in our banking system as a Next of Kin of the late Mr. Halley because I have tried my best to locate any of his family members but all such efforts were not successful.
I check this account for over 7-8 years and no one has ever come forward to claim the fund. But I've found that (Late Mr. Paul Louis Halley) has no next of kin or the account beneficiary before he died. So, after going through his file in our bank. I sincerely and consciously seek your consent to present your data as the next of kin / Will Beneficiary to this account, so that the total value of USD 8,000,000.00, would be transferred to any bank account of your choice for our mutual benefit. I'm going to share the money in the ratio of 60% to me and 40% to you.
For more information; I want you to please contact me on my private e-mail account: carolinefreund@indamail.hu 
When you contact me, I will give you more information.  
 
 
Of course, I was amused by the name of the financial institution she works for.  Nice touch.
 
But...it was the cited national act of 1990 that brought down the house for me, and made easy the direction of my reply:
 
Lemme see iffen I gots all this h'yar straight:
  1. You is Ms Caroline.
  2. Not the one that Neil Diamond singed about.
  3. We don't know each other, which does surprise me.
  4. You found me on the internet.  That doesn't surprise me.
  5. You work for Cahoot Finance UK. 
  6. Cahoot
  7. Finance
  8. UK..uhhhh.
  9. You found $8 Million USD abandoned.
  10. In Cahoot
  11. Finance
  12. UK...uhhhh.
  13. The abandoners died in a plane crash in 2003.
  14. A plane crash.  Not an elaborate or exquisite crash, just a plane crash.
  15. In 2003.
  16. And there's this Banking Act of 1990 thing there.
  17. Which says
  18. That in fourteen years, if it's unclaimed, it's the government's money.
  19. *TOING*
  20. It's been more than fourteen years since 2003.
 
  1. You wrote to me for nothing.
  2. Have a nice day.

Needless to say, my scammer did not foller up with me after that.
 
Confuse a calendar with a colander...that's what y'all git....
 
 

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Monday, September 3, 2018

Simply Mahvelous

"...with a name like Marvelous Duke, it's GOT to be a scam.."

The Smuckers people could not have been more right...and never knowd they were.

When you get an email from a scammer with a name like that -- and includes photographic evidence like this -- it simply has to be responded to.

Here's what he sent with apparently a straight face:


TEMPLE CHAMBERS $ ASSOCIATES
(LEGAL PRACTITIONER)
No: 85, Western Avenue,
Surulere, Lagos.
Email " barristermarvellous200@gmail.com
CALL : +234- 8024627935

    PLEASE AND KINDLY RESPOND TO THS MY PRIVATE EMAIL (  barristermarvellous200@gmail.com  ).

   
     Dear Friend,
 
        It is obvious that this proposal will come to you as a surprise; this is because we have not met before but I am inspired to sending you this email following the huge fund transfer opportunity that will be of mutual benefit to both of us. However, I am Barrister Marvellous Duke, SAN, Attorney to the late Engr.Ronald Johnson a national of Northern American, who used to work with Shell Petroleum Development Company (SPDC) in Nigeria On the 11th of November, 2002. My client, his wife and their three children were involved in a car accident along Sagamu/Lagos Express Road.
 
      Unfortunately they all lost their lives in the event of the accident, since then I have made several inquiries to several Embassies to locate any of my clients extended relatives, this has also proved unsuccessful. After these several unsuccessful attempts, I decided to trace his relatives over the Internet to locate any member of his family but of no avail, hence I contacted you.
 
       I contacted you to assist in repatriating the money and property left behind by my client; I can easily convince the bank with my legal practice that you are the only surviving relation of my client. Otherwise the Estate he left behind will be confiscated or declared  not serviceable by the bank where these huge deposits were  lodged.
 
       Particularly, the Bank where the deceased had an account valued at about $15 million U.S dollars (Fifteen million U.S. America dollars).Consequently, The bank issued me a notice to provide the next of kin or have the account confiscated within the next ten official working days.
Since I have been unsuccessful in locating the relatives for over several  years now.
 
     I seek your consent to present you as the next of kin to the deceased, so that the proceeds of this account valued at $15million U.S dollars can be paid to your account and then you and I can share the money, 50% to me and 50% to you.
 
All I require is your honest cooperation to enable us see this deal through and also forward the following to me:
 
1, Your Full Name:.......
2, Your House Address:.......
3, Your Country:............  State:,,,,,
4, Your Contact Telephone ......
5, Your Age:,,,,,, and Gender:....
6, Your Occupation: ..........
7. Your Marital Status,,,,,,,
 
     I guarantee that this will be executed under a legitimate arrangement that will protect you from any breach of the law.
Please get in touch with me VIA this my confidential email ( barristermarvellous200@gmail.com )
 
Yours Faithfully,
BARRISTER MARVELOUS DUKE, SAN.  
 
 
The edit lived down to any scammer's expectations, I'm sure:
 
 
On Tuesday, August 14, 2018 7:11 PM, BANNISTER MALLARDJUSTED DUCK <deborah_deon3@aol.com> wrote:


CRANIAL DISTORTION CHAMBERS $ ASSOCIATES
(ILLEGAL PRACTITIONER WITH LOTS OF UNHAPPY CLIENTS)
No: 85, Western Avenue,
Surulere, Lagos.
Email " barristermarvellous200@gmail.com
CALL : +234- 8024627935

    PLEASE AND KINDLY RESPOND TO THS MY PRIMATE'S EMAIL SO SHE DOESN'T GET BORED AND TRASH THE OFFICE AGAIN (  barristermarvellous200@gmail.com  ).

   
     Pullinanimouly,
 
        It is obvious that this proposal will come to you as an email; this is because this is how I sended it.  I tried using Jurassic Air Delivery Services to send this, but the pterodactyl requires a sheep just to allow me to get close enough to attach the message to its leg, and I didn't have a sheep.  So it had to be this.

I have the extreme horror to be Bannister Mallardjusted Duck, SAN, Atturkey to the late fake news network cnn that died of it's own bile, who used to work with the Democrapic National Crimeittee that is still trying to figure out WTF after Hellary lost and Alexandra Ocasio-Cortez became the substandard bearer of the party.  

 
      Unfortunately, after looking over countless templates to employ here, they all lost their minds and are now in extended therapeutic environs where the nuts hunt the squirrels..hooha.  Since then I have made several inquiries to several Embassies to locate any Third World Sh*tholes that don't have extradition agreements with the USA, and this has sadly proved successful.  I was hoping not to find any, because I already am in a Third World Sh*thole and didn't want to wind up in something like San Crapcisco.  Hence I contacted you.
 
       I contacted you to assist in repatriating a box of size 65 panties from wherever they are; my primate was using them as hammocks and is still pissed that they are misplaced.  I can easily convince the bank with my illegal practice that you are the only swampf gediving gvelt inga hootsknocker that would understand what that is. Otherwise, all of my Slim Whitman records will be confiscated or declared offensive to Martians and this will mean a far different outcome the next time Sarah Jessica Parker's head winds up on a Chihuahua.
 
       Since I have been unsuccessful in locating anything but your email address for over several  years now, you can see how this is all coming more unraveled than a cnn reporter being spanked by Sarah Sanders.
 
     I seek your consent to present you as the only surviving intelligent life left at ms13nbc, so that they can get a marginally better rating than cnn before November.  In return for your help I am deliriously happy to let you keep Sandra Fluke.
 
All I require is your honest, sandpoundingly ignorant cooperation to enable me to sell this spiel to someone.  So forward the following to me:
 
1, Your Full Name:.......
2, Your House Address:.......
3, Your Country:............  State:,,,,,
4, Your Contact Telephone ......
5, Your Age:,,,,,, and Gender (please select one that Google Translate can fathom):....
6, Your Occupation: ..........
7. Your Marital Status,,,,,,,
 
     I guarantee that this would be executed promptly in North Korea, probably by anti-aircraft gun.  Otherwise -- especially at the DNC -- it is a legitimate arrangement that will protect the swamp from any exposure by the fake news outlets.

Please get in touch with my impatient primate VIA this confidential email ( barristermarvellous200@gmail.com )
 
Yours Faithfully,
BANNISTER MALLARDJUSTED DUCK, SAN.  
 
 
The bannister hasn't seen fit to reply to that.  I can't imagine why...

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