Sunday, November 19, 2017

Sacre Bleu

Every so often, I or one of my characters gets a scam email in a foreign language.

Granted, there's Gooble Transloot available online, to hep me to read what the person is seeking from me in whatever lingo they choose to seek in; but sometimes it's more fun to 'wing it' in reply.

In this case, I used both 'winging it' and the Gooble to transloot my character's responses.

All in French.

Here is the scammer's opening gambit...in French:


Bonsoir, je viens par ce message faire une proposition qui pourra vous intéresser, car il s'agit d'un don d'une énorme somme, donc pour en savoir plus veuillez me contacter : bibinet.alain@gmail.com  


I didn't have my character bother to have it translooted; I slaughter French in a manure that loots it pretty good without much help:


Sava ze bone and hold le phone, parlez vous.  Messy bird coup le pew eiffle suzette pastry resistant, oi? Bonedchance, mona mee lisa!  
 
 
To my minor astonishment, the scammer continued on with the scam...in French.  And my character continued to respond...in a mix of looted and translated French.  See for yourself:
 
 
Je viens de lire votre message et je vous remercie d'avoir pris le temps de lire et de répondre à mon courrier. Sachez que tout ce que je vous  relate, c'est la stricte réalité. En fait, mon nom est BIBINET ALAIN FRANCOIS  72 ans et je suis Canadien, mais je suis actuellement hospitalisé en  Israël pour aller avec mes derniers jours dans la crainte de Dieu, en espérant de pouvoir réaliser mon projet avant mon dernier soupir et m'accepter dans son saint.
 

Je vous ai choisie, car en faisant des recherchesur Internet, j'ai trouvé votre adresse et c'est comme si une voix m'a parlé en disant que vous étiez la bonne personne en qui je peux mettre toute ma confiance, c'est comme si la voix m'a parlé à moi pour me dire que j'ai trouvé la bonne personne qui peut réaliser mon rêve.

Fils d'expatrié Canadien, j'ai connu l'Afrique dès le bas âge et c'est là que j'ai surtout entreprise pas mal de projets afin d'emmagasiner beaucoup de fonds et c'est cela aujourd'hui l'objet de ma donation.
Quant à mon Notaire nommé Maitre ROMAIN OMER
Je dis que c'est le responsable de mes affaires, chargé de vous suivre juridiquement pour cette donation.
Donc, j'ai pleinement confiance en lui et je vous recommande d'en faire pareille car c'est mon homme de main et cela fait bon nombres d'années que nous travaillons ensemble.
"Je peux vous demander de me transmettre les conversations que vous aurez avec mon avocat une fois que vous serez en contact.
Je remercie Dieu pour ce qui vous permet d'entrer en contact avec moi pour m'aider à réaliser ce rêve avant mon départ final.
Je vous prie de me faire parvenir une photo de vous si possible et me faire connaître vos aspirations et motivations dans la vie dans un plan soigneusement détaillé.
PS: Si je ne vous donne pas mon numéro de téléphone c'est parce que j'ai un problème au niveau de la gorge, comme si mon cancer n'était pas assez, je me demande pourquoi le bon Dieu m'inflige toute cette souffrance.
 
Que Dieu vous bénisse.
BIBINET ALAIN FRANCOIS  
 
 
Mon dieu??? C'est lemans???
 

 
J’ai bel et bien reçu ton petit mot, je t'en remercie une fois de plus pour ta bonne foi vis à vis de moi. Je ne sais quoi te dire après la lecture de ton petit mot, c'est avec les larmes aux yeux que je t’écris, ces mots, car je vois en toi une personne bien et très sincère, j'aimerais que tu sache que pour rien au monde, je pourrais jouer avec le nom de notre père suprême pour faire du mal a mon prochain qu'est-ce que je pourrais gagner en faisant cela, si je t’ai contacté, c'est parce que le seigneur m'a guidé vers toi pour réaliser ma dernière volonté et j'ai foi en lui, car il ne peut jamais me guider sur le mauvais chemin d'autant plus que c'est dans le but de faire du bien.  
 
 
Le not sure where it's bien.  En tant que grammaticien, de petits mots vont très loin. Pourquoi cela devrait-t-il mettre des larmes dans vos yeux, probablement en raison du fait que vous avez peut-être frappé votre genou sur le bureau ou attrapé vos organes génitaux dans votre mouche. Qui n'est pas agréable, oui? Et non, je ne porte pas de pyjama. De toute évidence, vous avez autre chose que vous souhaitez discuter?  
 
 
Merci pour votre message, je suis vraiment dessolé, car vous ne croyez pas donc ce fut un bon moment d'échanger avec vous.  
 
 
Avec vous?  AVEC VOUS?  A-FOCHING-VEC VOUS???   Eh.  Spank vous pour votre pli répliqué à mon massage qui a été un bon échange que vous avez noté en matinée matinale. C'est avec l'aversion mutuelle aux balles de fromage que je vous résigne dans un fumier dont vous avez besoin et qui mérite absolument. Pas besoin de me remercier ... Je vis mais pour servir.


 Perhaps my character DOES "je vis mais pour server", but not in the manure that Pepe Le Scam intended.
 
Se legere.
 
"Le gere".

 

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Thursday, November 16, 2017

Uranus Is Not Immune

In some places, scammers seem to be infinite.

Perhaps even here...on Uranus.

Well...maybe only in an edited scam email.

Over the years, I've heard from some clown to fronts for/represents himself to be Edward Kong.  Probably no relation to King, except perhaps as his intellectually weaker sibling.

Here's the latest Kong mail I received:


My name is Mr. Ronald H. Waters, I am a 58 year old US citizen, I reside here
in Florida. My residential address is as follows 8045 NW 71 Court Tamarac
Florida 33321 USA. I am one of those that took part in the Compensation many
years ago and they refused to pay me, I had paid over $64,000 trying to get my
payment all to no avail.

So I decided to travel to Washington D.C with all of my compensation/winning documents, and I was directed by the FBI Director to contact Special Agent Attorney Edward Kong, who is a Special Agent of the FBI that leads the Compensation/winning Department, working with the Interpol Police,Indonesia, Brazil, Russia, London, Asia, Specially CHINA, U.S.A, Nigeria, Benin and many other countries Government. I contacted him and he explained everything to me. He said whoever is contacting us through email to claim our winning both Delivery are frauds

He directed me to the Claims Department for my capitalized payment.Right now I
am the happiest man on earth because I have received my compensation/winning funds of $1.5 Million US Dollars.Special Agent Edward Kong showed me the full
information of some others that are yet to receive their payments and I saw
your name, address as one of the beneficiaries, and also your email address.

This is why I decided to email you to stop dealing with those people as they
are not in possession of your funds, and they are only making money off you. I
will advise you to contact Special Agent Edward Kong. You have to
contact him directly on this information below.

(Claims Department)
Barr. Edward Kong (Principal Attorney)
Accredited Specialist Family Lawyer
Solicitor (England and Wales, 1992)
Email: (edwardkong0123@yahoo.com)
Edward Kong Special Adviser

Finally you really have to stop dealing with these people that are contacting
you and telling you that your funds are with them, it is not in anyway with
them, they are only taking advantage of you and they will dry you up until you
have nothing. The only money I paid after I met Special Agent Attorney Edward
Kong was just $550 for the paper works, take note of that. Once again stop contacting those people, I will advise you to contact
Special Agent Attorney.Edward Kong so that he can help you to deliver your fund
instead of dealing with those liars that will be turning you around asking for
different kind of money to complete your transaction. Thanks remain Bless  



Ah, yes...the old "I got scammed until I met Edward Kong" ploy.

Well, the edit took a definitive turn toward Uranus for reasons that will shortly become apparent:


Well, sh*t:

My name is Mr. Ronald H. Waters, I am a 58 year old citizen of the settlement of Polyp, Uranus.  I am one of several thousand that space aliens hijacked, took to their planet, and forced to appear on an alien talk show, akin to Geraldo Riveratoid or some such.  Then they shipped us to this planetary gulag on Uranus, and here we sit all broken hearted, since we tried to sh*t and only farted.  Though farting can be kinda fun in zero gravity, long as there aren't breakables around.

 I am one of those abject dumb asses that frequents an internet café here in Polyp that took part in the Compensation many years ago from African swindlers and they refused to pay me, I had paid over $64,000 trying to get my payment all to no avail.  Am I a sandpoundingly stupid dumb ass or what?

So I decided to send an email to Washington D.C with all of my compensation/winning documents, and I was directed by the twat waffle at the DNC switchboard to contact Special Agent Attorney Edward Kong, a plunger lipped zipper head of dubious antecedence and known sodomizer of knot holes in trees and komodo dragons.  He's been investigated by Interpol Police, Indonesia, Brazil, Russia, London, Asia, Specially CHINA, U.S.A, Nigeria, Benin and many other countries Government, but only those run by degenerate lefties have given him a four scar rating as a certified douche canoe and just their kinda person. I contacted him and he explained everything to me in Azerbaijani, which I do not sprechen. He said whoever I am talking to at that moment are frauds.
He was the only one in the email conversation I was having sprechen with.  Hmmm.

He directed me to the DNC Victims Claims Department for my categorization as a victim of white privilege, Donald Trump, anything conservative, et al.  Right now I am the most miserable man on Uranus because I have received via hyper mail my compensation which consisted of Hellary Clinton's book "It Was My Turn -- How Everyone And Everything But Me Lost Me The Election", an inflatable sex toy Hellary that leaks, squeaks, cackles and bitches constantly, and selected recordings of various screechy leftist politicians from the DNC that cannot be turned off.


W...T...F...


This is why I decided to email you...since misery loves company, I'm sending the alien bastards that brought me h'yah to fetch you from th'yah and bring you h'yah, so you too can sit in this cosmic sh*thole and lose money to African swindlers just like I did.  And this genital wart Special Agent Edward Kong is just the f**kwad to help that happen. You have to contact him directly on this information below.

(Lies And Fraud Department)
Barr. Edward Kong (Principal F**kheaded Attorney)
Accredited Specialist Defrauding of Clients Lawyer
Solicitor (England, Whales, Suckers and other Fish, 2017)
Email: (edwardkong0123@yahoo.com)
Edward Kong Special F**kheaded Adviser

Finally you really have to stop dealing with people that are contacting you and telling you that your funds are with them -- especially when they're people like me -- because they always forward you to f**king morons like Special Agent Attorney Edward Kong, who will try to soak you for $550, take note of that.

Once again stop contacting those people like me and f**k faces like Special Agent Attorney Edward Kong so that you can avoid winding up in a foul smelling internet café in a Uranus gulag where the locals look like octopus bodies topped by Lean Dunham's ass for a head.  

Ronald Waters,
a 58 year old citizen of Polyp, Uranus
ronaldwater01@gmail.com
 
I heard from neither Ronald nor Edward again.  And my pet rock, Seymour, prays that I never hear from the alien-like butt headed Lena Dunham, either.

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Monday, November 13, 2017

To Kneel With A Seal

When a scammer insists on getting something with a seal, they don't always know what's coming back at them.

Take this scammer purporting to be with the Bank of America:


Bank of America Corporate Office Headquarters
100 N.Tryon St Charlotte,NC 28255
Our Ref:BOA/IRU/SFE/15.5/WD/011
United States of America
Monday-Friday
8 a.m.-9 p.m. Eastern Daylight Time(EDT)
Saturday and Sunday
8 a.m.-4 p.m. Eastern Daylight Time(EDT)
The Management of the Bank of America Corporate Office Headquarters here in 100 N.Tryon St Charlotte,NC 28255 wishes to inform you that after a brief meeting held by the Bank executives yesterday,We deem it appropriate to intimate you that your funds will be transferred into the United States Treasury Account with the JP Morgan Chase Headquarters at 270 Park Avenue in New York according to the record we got due to your inability to complete the transaction and your failure to meet up with a minor payment obligation.The actual transfer of your funds($20,500,000.00) into the government account comes up next week.
This is in line with the instructions of the USA Treasurer,Mrs.Rosa Gumataotao Rios that all unclaimed funds be paid into the United States Government Treasury Account as unserviceable funds in compliance to section 3 subsection 1(a) of the United States Financial Law enacted in 2001 after an attack on our dear country on September 11,2001.
Find below the profile of the banking institution where your funds will be transferred into following the government directive:, And note to responds to us with below Email ( officemails@hot.ee ) Name of Bank: JP Morgan Chase Headquarters at 270 Park Avenue in New York. JP Morgan Chase Official Bankers for the United States Treasury Department
AC NO: 68302345093
Routing NO:JPM109593
Account Name: United States Treasury Department,USA
Note that if you still wish to receive your actual donation payment ( $20,500,000.00) do get back to us Immediately so that we will remove your funds transfer from the list of those transactions to be seized by the United States Government. Also be Informed that we need only a DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY SEAL OF TRANSFER (DIST DOCUMENT) to complete the wire transfer direct to your personal bank account if you agree.The fee to obtain the SEAL was reduced from $600 to $296 and no other fee is involved.
You are required to send the fee of $296 by WESTERN UNION or Walmart to walmart to the issuing officer at the bank where your transaction originated as stated below INFORMATION.
If we receive the MTCN today along with your bank details,we will transfer your funds ( $20,500,000.00 ) before we close office and the funds will reflect 3hours after the transfer.We will send you all the transfer documents to enable you start making cash withdrawals from your account same day the funds are transferred. We have waited for so long and we cannot continue to wait.
Thank you for giving us the opportunity to serve your banking needs.
Yours faithfully,
Brian Moynihan
Chairman of the Board, Chief Executive Officer
Bank of America® Corporation head Office
Corporate Office Headquarters,Charlotte,N.C.
Bank of America, N.A. Member FDIC.
© 2011 Bank of America Corporation. All rights reserved.  
 
 
Ain't that quaint?  Let's see if they give their seal of approval to this edit:
 
 
Blank of 'Murica Copulate Office Headquarters
100 N.Tryon St Charlotte,NC 28255
Our Ref:BOA/IRU/SFE/15.5/WD/011
United States of 'Murica
Monday-Friday
8 a.m.-9 p.m. Eastern Daylight Time(EDT)
Saturday and Sunday
8 a.m.-4 p.m. Eastern Daylight Time(EDT)
Any other day including holidays and hollandaise
8 a.m.-8:10 a. m.
The Mismanagement of the Blank of 'Murica Copulate Office Headquarters here in 100 N.Tryon St Charlotte,NC 28255 wishes to inform you that after a brief meeting held by the Blank executives yesterday,We deemed it necessary to kneel in our briefs to protest against the United States Treasury Account with the JP Morgan Chases Orgasms Headquarters at 270 Park Avenue in New York.  According to the record we got which we can't play because no one here has a turntable that turns at 33.3 rpm and has a clue where to get a phonograph needle, your inability to accept our kneeling in our briefs and your failure to meet up with a large hipped waitress named Claude puts you square on our list of persons that cannot be properly fathomed without sonar.  This has to be cleared up next week.
This is in line with the instructions of the USA Treasurer, Mrs.Rosa Jacob Jingleheimer Schmuck, which is our name, too.  What those instructions are isn't clear, because they're written in kanji and Azerbaijani, but we are certain that they are alluded to under compliance to section 3 subsection 1(a) of the Federal Endangered Feces Act enacted in 2000 after the Millennium Bug turned out to be as big a bust as Al Capone's vault and AlGore's drowning of the world by global warming by a couple years ago.  
Find below the profile of the blanking institution where compound interest is frequently mistaken with buying the rights to a religious compound in upper Silesia, a few miles from Hoboken.  And pleased to be noted that you needs responds to us with below Email ( officemails@hot.ee )
Name of Bank: JP Morgan Chases Orgasms Headquarters at 270 Park Avenue in New York.   JP Morgan Chases Orgasms Officially on behalf for the United States Treasury Department
AC NO: 68302345093
Routing NO:JPM109593
Account Name: Jack N Ewehoff,USA
Note that if you still wish to receive a Christmas card from Idi Amin, you're sh*t out of luck.  However, if you do get back to us Immediately we will see about getting you a Happy Barf Missed Ya card from Taylor Swift, until she sues us to stop us from doing that.  Also be Informed that we need only a DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY SEAL to complete the wire transfer direct to an off shore account if you agree.  The seal can be obtained in great quantities at Fisherman's Wharf, which is also what his dog frequently says.  The fee to obtain the SEAL was reduced from $600 to $296 but you can get yours for free with a few fish and a cage.  
You are required to have this seal send the fee of $296 by WESTERN UNION or Walmart to walmart to the issuing officer at the blank where your transaction originated as stated below in something other than kanji or Azerbaijani.  Probably Polish.
If we receive the MTCN today along with your blank details,we will insist on seeing a picture of your seal with Anthony Weiner outside a Motel 6 in Georgetown at 3am last November 9th.  We will send you all the fish you need to keep the seal from talking until Hellary's next book tour about What Happened II, which she and George Lucas are turning into a six part trilogy for NutFlux through 2025.  We have waited for so long and we cannot continue to wait.
Thank you for giving us the opportunity to totally cornpone you in this manure.
Yours faithfully as long as you have those blackmail pictures from last year's Christmas party,
Brian Moynihan
Chairman of the Board, Chief Executive Officer
Blank of 'Murica® Copulate head Office
Copulate Office Headquarters,Charlotte,N.C.
Blank of 'Murica, N.A. Member FWTF.
© 2017 Blank of 'Murica Copulation. All rights denied if you voted for Trump, you deplorable.

Nothing back from the originating scammer, but my pet rock might have heard from Taylor Swift's publicist and PETA.
 
"Did NOT!!!"

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Friday, November 10, 2017

To Providus...or Not

It takes all kinds in Scamland to organize and run a scam online.

Mostly morons.

But sometimes the scamming morons find the gullible.

Not this time.

This thread begins with a faux dying person of dubious antecedence, contacting my character for some form of soul saving succor:


Ms Stephanie writes
How are you today  
 
 
F***ing awesome.  You?  
 
 
Good day dear ,
I am happy to know you, but God knows you better and he knows why he
has directed me to you at this point, so do not be afraid. Your
profile gave me confidence, you look humble and God fearing. I am
writing this mail to you with heavy sorrow in my heart, this massage
mighty come to you as surprise but i chose to reach you through email
because it still remains the fastest medium of communication through
this medium internet has been greatly abused. Please give me this
little chance to explain myself to you, I would have like to meet you
face to face before departing from this mother earth but due to the
illness continue to deprive the chance but even if I die on the
process of this operation I will still praise  Almighty.

My name is Mrs. Stephenie Jensen Garth  i am from United States Of America,
but i lived in London for many years, i am a dying woman and i decided
to donate what I have to you for charity work/assistance to less
privileged people in the society. I am 66 years old and I was
diagnosed of cancer for about 1 year ago, immediately after the death
of my husband, who has left me everything he worked for and my doctor
told me that i would not last for the period of seven months due to
cancer problem because of my health, I am married to Mr Jensen Garth
,who died as the result of war in Syria before my husband dead he
informed me that he deposited the sum of £2.5m GBP in a Bank in London
United Kingdom. Before he was poisoned to death as the result of war
in Syria, I want you to help me to use this money for a charity project
before I die, for the poor Less-privilege and  Orphanages in
your country.I accept this decision because I do not have any child who will
inherit this money after I die. I want your urgent reply to me so that
I will give you the deposit receipt which the Bank  issued to my late
husband, to start the good work of God, for immediate transfer of the
money to your account in your country, To be very honest with you,
this money i have opened-up to you is totally genuine and 100%
risk-free. I am absolutely assuring you that no trouble or problem is
involved in this fund either in the short-run or in the long-run
because is my late husband money.
I want you to take 35 % percent of the total money for your personal
use, 5 % percent for expenses and while 60% of the money will go to
charity. I will appreciate your utmost confidentiality and trust in
this matter to accomplish my heart desire, as I don't want anything
that will jeopardize my last wish.

Please kindly respond quickly for further details.
Thanks and God bless you,

I await your urgent reply,
 Mrs. Stephenie Jensen Garth  
 
 
And she even included a famdamily photo from her horsepittal bed:
 

What's a scambaiting character to do?  Meh:
 
 
Leave all the money for your famdamily...it's a big enough one.  
 
 
Miss Steph appreciates my response, but not enough to actually have read it:
 
 
Fellowship greetings to you , in the name of the most high God. I am
truly inspired to receive your response mail today which the lord who
brought us together in exalting his name through this benevolence
entrust will guide us and give us one spirit and one accord to
realize this aspiration to his glory .i was diagnosed of brain cancer

My health always troubles me but i believe as God did to the woman
with an issue of blood he must surely visit me at his own appointed
time,as Job said,i will wait  till my change comes.I knew that it is
by his stripe i am healed and he was bruised for my transgression,and
he has paid all my debts on the cross of Calvary so i have nothing to
fear since i am the daughter of a king.Even if he calls me home in
this very hour i have no reason to question his purposes.As the bible
teaches us that Blessed are the dead which die in the Lord from
henceforth, said the Spirit, that they may rest from their labors; and
their works do follow them.( Revelation 14:13).

Please I hope there will be utmost confidence in this transaction? And
please always pray for me and the less privileged it is very
necessary.,i want the money to be transferred to you as soon as
possible.
I will like you to send to me your full details like:

1.your full name
2.Telephone number and fax number
3.Your Age
4.Your Occupation and Address

Without much hesitation,i will like you to confirm to me your contact
information's to help me prepare a Letter of Authorization to the Bank
instructing them to proceed in making the release of the  the funds
to you as my next of kin which a copy will also be forwarded to you.

I may not be often communicating with you due to my present health
situation because this messages that i have been writing to you was by
the assistance of the sister nurse who God purposely used for
assisting me here in the hospital,please always commit her in your
daily prayers as you do to me.

Always keep your faith in God and commit this transaction in his guide.
Endless love of God keep enduring  with you.
Looking forward to hear from you.

Thanks and God bless you.
Yours sister in the lord
Mrs. Stephenie Jensen Garth  
 
 
A most high God?  What's He on, LSD?  
 
 
Miss Staph 'n Strep doesn't reply to that...instead, in comes her bank to take it up from h'yar:
 
 
Hello Sir/Ma
I am Mr.Gideon Jarikre from Providus bank Plc, i called your phone yesterday as i was mandated to call you in regards to your fund but i could not get you on phone as the phone number failed to connect. If you are able to read this message pls reply with your name in full, address and phone number, so we can email you full information and genuine reasons for contacting you.   
 
 
What did you call my phone?  It only answers to one name.  


This is to officially acknowledge the receipt of your email, as we want
you to understand that we actually called your phone but it failed to
connect. So, the main reason we contacted you is because the Debt
Management Office (DMO) had given a genuine approval to your payment since
on the 18th of August, as your inheritance fund is ready to be released to
you at the request of our client Stephanie Jensen Garth. And also, we contacted you

as to be sure we contacted MR. JACK not the wrong person.

However, an Non-Resident offshore online account has been open in your
name/address and your inheritance fund deposited into the online account,
as you can confirm the fund in the online account with the user name and
password which will be sent to you shortly.

We will send the details of the online account to you to log-in and
confirm your fund but for security reasons, as we really want to be sure
that we are dealing with the rightful beneficiary (MR. JACK) and not the
wrong beneficiary, please we want you to re-confirm your name in full,
current address and phone number to enable us send the log-in details to
the account to you.

Thank you.

Regards,

Mr.Gideon Jarikre
Group Head, International Operations
Providus Bank Plc   



Alrighty then:


Perhaps if you called the right number.  Did you?  


Thanks for the urgent response. Honestly, we called your phone number but
>   it failed to connect but since you can contact us via-email, all you
> need to do now is send the requested details and as soon as we received
> the detail, then your online account detail will be sent to you, so that
> you log-in and confirm your fund.  



What are the requested details.  


Thanks for the urgent response. The requested details are, your name in
full, contact address and your phone number. We need information before we
can send your online account details to you, so that you log-in and
confirm your fund.

Thank you, as we wait to receive the details.  



This is to inform you that we are still waiting to receive the details and then send the online account log-in to you, so that you log-in and confirm
your fund.  



We have not still receive your email with the requested information to
> proceed.  



What are the requested details.  


The requested details is as stated below.

Your name in full:
Your address:
Phone number:  



Those are the requested details?  Why didn't you say so?  


Mr. Jack, we did tell you this.  Go back and read please so we can complete this soonest.  


Well whaddaya know...you did, you did tell me a puddy tat.  Okay.  I'll get you details.  


What is delay please?  time is not on our side please get us details soonest so we ma proceed.


Dee-lay:  is a process that a chicken uses to reabsorb an egg.  And I know time is not on my side; I have a wrist watch, not a pocket one.  


PLEASE SEND US DETAILS.  


No need to email shout:  sending you details now that you know what it means (and I send them the usual info my character uses).


The details has been confirm in your payment file and we will send your
>>   online account log-in details to you later today, so that you can
>> log-in and confirm your fund and after activation of the account, then
>> this bank will teach you how you make transfer from the online account
>> to your personal bank account in the United States.
>>
>> Thank you and congratulations in advance.  



That's f***ing nice.  


Below is your account information, as you should log-n into your account
> and confirm your fund.
>
> User name: JackEwehoff
> Pssword: V9kl4C81
> Log-in page: (a link to gawd knows what)>
>
> Note: After confirming your fund in the online, you should respond back
> to us, so that you can activate the account before you can make successful
>   transfer into your bank account over there in the United States. The
> activation fee is $180 only.
>
> First of all, you should log-in and after confirming your fund, then you
> should respond back and we will tell you what to do.  



*TOING*...now we know what they're after:


Fine.  Deduct the activation fee from my account and we're good to go.  


Sorry for the late response, as i was too busy officially this week. The
content of your previous email was noted but the problem is that no one
here has the legal right deduct from your account due to the due to new
law passed by the house of senate here. If it is possible to deduct, we
will not ask you for the fee, so you have to send the fee and after which
we will complete the transaction as you are the one delaying the
completion process of this transaction.

We urge you to send the fee and then send details for pick up, so that we
can activate the account.  



I have just given you written authorization to deduct the fee from the account.
I, Jack N. Ewehoff, account owner, do hereby authorize ___________________
to deduct $180 from my account to satisfy the transaction fee.
Print that, sign it, and we're good to go.  
 
 
There is something you don't understand, the reason why the law
>>> passed by the senate was due to past experience, as some one from
>>> Ghana here in
>>> Africa was to receive money from my bank and he authorize the transfer
>>>   fee to be deducted from the fund he was to receive, so the officer
>>> in charge of the payment deducted 1,000,000.00 from the account and he
>>> ran away with the money.
>>>
>>> The is the reason the law was passed by the house of senate, so there
>>>   is authorization that will be honored. Had it been it is possible
>>> that we deduct fee from your account, it will be deducted as you have
>>> huge fund in the online account. I hope you understand.
>>>
>>> You should try and send the fee so that we can complete this
>>> transaction without any further delay.  
 
 
Okay...not only do I authorize you to deduct the $180 from the
>>> account to settle the fee...I also authorize you $10,000 extra to
>>> catch, kill and eat anyone that tries to steal the balance of the
>>> fund.  I am Jack N Ewehoff and I approve of these expenditures.
>>>
>>> You make that clear to everyone in your bank, and I think things will
>>>   go just fine.  
 
 
Why can't you understand that we can not do that as the law here don't
>> permit that and whoever does it contrary to the law, will face the law
>> and will lose his or her job. I hope you can understand now.  
 
 
I fully understand your law, which is WHY I am giving you WRITTEN
>> AUTHORIZATION to do what I have asked.  You PRINT IT, you SHOW IT TO THE
>>   LAW, and you do as I -- the now LEGAL FUND OWNER according to YOU --
>> have asked repeatedly.
>>
>> If I need to authorize you to further debit my account to pay off the
>> so-called LAW in your area, you now have that written authorization from
>>   me, Jack N Ewehoff.  But please limit the "GTS*" payoff to no more
>> than $10,000.
>>
>> I am Jack N Ewehoff and I approve this message.  
 

What is wrong with you?  


Nothing.  I fully understand that you run a bank in a corrupt country full of corrupt people who do all sorts of illegal sh*t for money.  You said you needed to have authorization because of your laws...I gave you that authorization in writing.  Not once..not twice...but thrice.  What's wrong with YOU?


We can see that you are toiling with us and you are not ready to complete
>   this transaction.  



Toiling is right...when I send you authorizations to do what you say you can't by law without authorization, it is toiling for me to have to deal with people so inept.  When you were born, did you come out of your mom sideways, like a spinal tap poopie?  


You insult me gets you no transaction benefit like that.  You are not good man.  


And a fine, upstanding plunger lipped dotard like yourself would know what a good man is?  Oh, do tell, Gorgon.  Please do tell.  


We are done.  Good by.  


I guess that means no free toaster for me?  


Leaving a trail of butt hurt email scammers far and wide, I plod merrily into the sunset, my faithful pet rock, Seymour, pulling my wagon...


"Am NOT!!!  PHFFFFFFFFFFFFT!!!" 
 





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Tuesday, November 7, 2017

Hory Cow

Now HERE is a quick thinking scammer for you.

Read his opening salvo:



Hello.
Have a nice day!  
This is Andy from ShangKun Co.,Ltd,
We are one of leading manufacturer of INFLATABLE TOYS in China.
 
With ISO9001:2008,ISO14001:2004 and TS16949:2009 certified.the 200 staffs, 20 years experience, this is how we keep good quality, competitive price,best service and rapid distribution for you.
We are looking forward to receiving your inquiry.If you are interested in other products, please let us know freely. 
Best regards.
Andy
********************************************************************************************************
TEL???0086-0579-85118359
FAX???0086-0579-85118359            
SKYPE???zjshangkun  
Add???No.699 Chouzhou North Road ,YiWu City,322000,ZheJiang Province, China.
********************************************************************************************************  
 
 
"Andy" cracks me up:  'he' has sent me the same emails before, marketing toilets, plumbing supplies, fencing materials, etc...and now he's doing INFLATABLE TOYS.  So let's test ol' "Andy" thus:
 
 
Do you have inflatable Hellary Clinton sex toys?  
 
 
Danged if ol' "Andy" ain't up to the challenge:
 
 

Dear Jack.
 
Thanks for you reply,
Yes.we supply inflatable Hellary Clinton sex toys.please check our website for reference:http://www.roserealdoll.com/
To make an order, you only need to tell me the Item No. as well as quantity of each you would like by email, then I will check about the best price.
Any questions.Looking forward to hearing from you.
Best regards,
Andy  
 
 
My pet rock, Seymour, is face palming like never before (and it'd be something to see, if I could show it)...but I'm cracking up.
 
 
Perhaps "Andy" would be interested in a job with my faux company, Bonco, UnInc, makers of PHFFFT Asure, the pest removing BUGA-BOOM and the Cyclonic Harvester...or maybe he already has one.
 
 
 

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Saturday, November 4, 2017

When A Homeland Genital Speaks...

Here's a general staff that could be swept up with one industrial magnet.

But I sorta digress.

How often do YOU get an email from the general in charge of the US Department of Homeland Security?

If you're like me, all the friggin' time.

Of course, it ain't really from a general in charge of the US Department of Homeland Security, and the way it's writ doesn't help authenticate it.  But eh...I dwell too much on details:


U.s. Department of homeland security,
Mg timothy j. Lowenberg,adjutant general and director state military
Department washington military dept., bldg1 camp murry ,wash
93430-880 usa
Good day
I hope this mail finds you in good spirit and in good health? Because i am quite aware of your losses in the past years now, it may surprise you that i am also aware of your consignment boxes pursuit in Benin Ghana Togo Nigeria Spain France Malaysia Indonesia china and Korea .my name is gen.john Kelly, the secretary of u.s department of homeland security of America, am in charge to monitored all foreign transactions in Africa Europe and Asia. I have been in the u.s department of homeland security now since the government of president barrack Obama, monitoring the various transactions going on in Africa, Europe and Asia, most especially consignments cases and bank transfer. I do not intend to spoil your
Day or to put you under duress

But you can not receive any of your consignments boxes pursuit, without a clearance from the u.s department of homeland security. however, upon my arrival in Benin republic after series of meetings with our president denial trump and united nations secretary general ban ki-moon, due to numerous complains from other security agencies from Africa Asia, Europe, Oceania, Antarctica, south America and the united states of America respectively, against the Benin government and Nigeria over the rate of scam/fraudulent activities going on in this country and Africa.
 
When i arrive in the Benin parliament in cotonou, i found your consignment box clearance file lying on the foreign affair office desk without any attention on a thorough scrutiny i discovered that your consignment have been abandoned by your delivery agent. Meanwhile, i was made to understand that they have try to reach you, but no way and they have made several attempts to contact your delivery agent but to no avail.
 
To my greatest surprise, during my recent routine re-checking, i personally discovered that your consignment content declaration documents stated that your consignment contains personal effects meanwhile, it contains united states dollar bills worth over us$40 million dollars, which made it impossible for the consignment to be delivered to you earlier before now.
Based on this personal discovery, i am contacting you now to let you know that with my position and power as the secretary of us department of homeland security, i can assist you to legally clear your consignment fund, but you must agree with the following conditions. Because i have called our office in washington,dc from benin, who has been intercepting all your telephone calls, with the help of mtn, tigo Vodafone and airtel network Benin
 
 
It goes on with additional drivel before getting to the rat killing, which is I send $385 to some nincompoop in Benin via WU or MonkeyGram, and life is wunnerful.
 
For the yutz in Benin.
 
Well, *BUZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZER*, as my response works as something of a buzz kill, if I understand what one of them things is:
 
 
Dear Homeland Security Genital:
  1.  Considering your exalted position, your typing sucks.
  2. Along with your spell checker.
  3. Along with your grammar checker.
  4. Along with your grasp of English in genital.
  5. See what I just did with #4?
  6. Probably not.
  7. You have utter failed to spoil my day or put me under duress or any other garment.
  8. See #5.
  9. See #6 for same answer.
  10. Some nincompoop in Benin will get $385 from me on the day that the dreaded Phoo Bird flies over and shits on you...and you wipe it off.
  11. Google it for details.
  12. See #6 for likelihood of getting answer.

If there's anything else I can help you with, feel free to write it down, print it, and shove it up your ass sideways.  I'm sure you at least see what I just did there.  


I'm sure that y'all are surprised that this did not elicit a response from the email originator.

He probably didn't see what I just did there.

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Wednesday, November 1, 2017

Caught With Their Codes Down

Scammers try all kinds of ploys.

All kinds.

Some ain't bad.  Some suck worse than a deep space black hole.

And some just aren't all that well thought out.  Like Hellary's blame the universe tour.

Take this winner from the Far East:

Hello Manage,
This is Holly from Hexi Coding Co. Ltd., a factory for Coding machine, thermal transfer overprinter, coing ribbon, TTR, etc. With advanced equipment and technical team, we can provide customerized service according to your needs.
Any request, please feel free to contact.


Holly King    +86 13764268341 (Mob & WhatApp & Wechat)
Hexi Coding Materials Co., Ltd.
Skype: 2878654309@qq.com   
 
 
Even her original email is in a code of sorts.  A code only a proofreader can fix.
 
 
Eh...being dubbed "Manage" and looking forward to being customerized, my character indulged thus:
 
 
Can you code Reynolds Wrap?  
 
Apparently, Holly ain't heard of Reynolds Wrap:
 
 
Hello Jack,
Thank you for your feedback, sorry busy that days. 
Please send a photo of your reynolds wrap, and tell me their request, freezon, solvents or ?

Also, please take an vidio of packing & coding, if convient. 
Any request, please feel free to contact
Thank you & Best regard  
 
 
She wants a picture, eh?  Wahl, looky h'yar:
 
 
I am happy to enclose a photo of my Reynolds wrap that needs coding.
 
 

What code would you give this?  
 
 
Hi Jack,
T hank you for your prompt reply. Please feel free to show the coding content. Thank you
Please tell me your company and websit, if it is posssible. Thank You
Best regards.
 
 
Oh, it is possumbull:
 
 
My company is International Crustacean Obedience Training Institute in Vaduz, Liechtenstein.  My websit is http://skunkfeathers57.blogspot.com  The coding is actually not dissimilar to that from Western Union, liberally employing dits and dahs.  Do you know it?  
 
 
Hello Jack,
Coding content is needed for us to confirm whether we can finish it. Thank you!
Best Regard    
 
 
That's the point, Holly Holy.  I need the content coded.  This is what you advertise, yes?  The coding of content?  My content is in serious need of coding.  What can you do for me?
 
 
Hi, Jack, we are a serous busness only for certain codable contents. 
Thank you & Best regard  
 
 
I am serous busness!  But now you only do coding for fish?  What's up with that?  Why do contents have to be codable?  Can't they be halibut?  
 
 
Hi Jack, really.  if it not codable it is not our job.
Thank you & best regard.  
 
 
If you can't code any and all content -- cod or otherwise -- what good is your service?  If something needs coding and you can't code it, where does that leave someone in need of coding?   I would like to remind you of how you started this solicitation: 
"With advanced equipment and technical team, we can provide customerized service according to your needs".
Those were your words.  Are you now confessing to false advertising?  
 
 
just stop
 
 
Is that codeable or codable content according to your false advertising?
 
 
Holly and cod-many must be democrats, because they wish no further repartee, in any code or cod.
 
My pet rock, Seymour, just knowd that something was fishy h'yar...



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Saturday, October 28, 2017

Benin & Scams & Asteroids Oh My

"Pennies from Heaven".  Not.

Scams from Benin.  Not pennies from Heaven.

A typical Western Union scam from Benin wherein I'm to believe I'm getting thousands of dollars for nothing...other than a measly $200 fee, which cannot be deducted from the balance.

Uh huh.

Here's the gist of the scam, and from none other than a Dr. Prince Raymond:


Attention:Dear Customer,

Welcome to Western Union Money Transfer Agent, We wish to inform you that the
IMF have release your fund sum of $1,8 million US dollars issued on your name
the money was deposited with us in this Office as MTCN credit card, we shall be
sending the money to you everyday $6000.00usd until we complete the
total payment.

We are very glad to inform you that we have processed  your first payment of
$6000.00usd, but bare it in mind that the $6000.00usd will not be given to you
except you pay for service charges which is $200, you have to pay the money
through our service western union to the information we give you here, then
after confirm the payment of $200. from you, we shall release your  first $6000.00
usd to enable you pick it up and get back to us for the second payment,As you
can see here is the MTCN Number of your first payment which we credited for you
today, track it with our website: [http://www.westernunion.com,to]www.westernunion.com,to confirm that your  payment is available.

1)Senders Name:  Peter Iwunor
2)MTCN...3457224536
3)Amount: $6000.00 USD.
Track it with our website:
https://wumt.westernunion.com/
asp/orderStatus.asp?country=CN

Yours Faithfully,
Dr. Prince Raymond
Finance Minister,
Federal Republic Of Benin.
Direct:Telephone Number:+229-68649485
E-mail: w.union590@gmail.com

Yes, they have millions of US dollars and crave to give it away to poor ol' Western fellers like me, and for a mere pittance of what they wish to give away.

And Hillary is an honest person, too.  BWHAHAHAHAHA.

I decided to see what attention Dr. Prince Raymond was paying in my character's reply:

I will send you $200 on the day a space meteor wipes out Benin. 


The good Dr. Prince Raymond is articulate, educated and literate as are all talking points following scammers, as his reply indicates:


Welcome to Western Union Money Transfer Agent, your reply is read and well noted,
We wish to inform you that the  IMF have release your fund sum of $1,8 million US dollars issued on your name  the money was deposited with us in this Office as MTCN credit card, we shall be  sending the money to you everyday $6000.00usd until we complete the total payment.

 We are very glad to inform you that we have processed  your first payment of  $6000.00usd, but bare it in mind that the $6000.00usd will not be given to you  except you pay for service charges which is $200, you have to pay the money  through our service western union to the information we give you here, then  after confirm the payment of $200. from you, we shall release your first $6000.00  usd to enable you pick it up and get back to us for the second payment,As you  can see here is the MTCN Number of your first payment which we credited for you  today, track it with our website: [http://www.westernunion.com,to]www.westernunion.com,to confirm that your  payment is available.  



"your reply is read and well noted".   And then plainly ignored.

Okay, let's try again:

I will send $200 to Benin a day after a city-sized asteroid obliterates Benin. 

This is followed by yet another response from the very oriented-to-template Dr. Prince Raymond:


Dear Friend
I understod you point all I try is to make sure you receive your fund to aviod delay okay
Your full information is needed to avoid mistake
Your Name====
Your Country===
Your phone number===
Your ID CARD

Yours Faithfully,
Dr. Prince Raymond
Finance Minister,
Federal Republic Of Benin.
Direct:Telephone Number:                          +229-68649485
E-mail:w.union590@gmail.com 



It is clear that you have not understood my point twice.  How "well read and understood" can you be when you completely miss the point because you're wedded to a talking points template that allows you no room for independent thought and action?  I will try this once more:  I will send you $200 on the day I hear that Benin has been obliterated by an asteroid.  

Perhaps a small winkling of light is shed on the template brain of Dr. Prince Raymond:

i am not  believe you mean what you say?  


Oh yes you am believe I mean what I say.  Get back to me when you've been wiped out by an asteroid, and I'll send you $200.  I won't until that day.  


this you say is rediculos!  


Be that as it may...you won't get your $200 until an asteroid wipes out your pathetic internet café and all surroundings ones similarly employed as yours is.  Let me know when that happens, and I'll send you $200.  


Dr. Prince Raymond either decided that my character wasn't fit to do business with...or he's sky watching, waiting for an opportunity for his $200...

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