Friday, February 21, 2020

Seymour Vs...Aliens?

My pet rock, Seymour, loves to edit articles for fun and annoyance.

For him it's fun; for anyone else, the latter.

"Is NOT!!!  PHFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT!!!!"

Seymour came across an article about repeating radio signals from deep space that have scientists all a twitterpated, and he simply couldn't wait to weigh in on it.

The rest of us could...but we digress.

With no further adieu and gesundheit, Seymour edits again:

Scientists detect a radio signal from outer space that repeats political ads every 16 days
Seymour PetRock, WTF News Soivice ‎February‎ ‎30‎, ‎2020‎ ‎8‎:‎48‎ ‎AM 

Scientists, unsettled enough about a 16 year old snot-nosed Norwegian brat making false and pejorative claims about later generations “stealing” her youthful virginity, now have to deal with this: a radio signal from outer space that repeats political commercials every 16 days.



For the first time, scientists have detected a radio signal from outer space that repeats  what appear to be political commercials at regular intervals.


The series of so-called "30 second space ads" – which are pulses of radio waves that come from across the universe – were detected approximately once an hour for four days and then suddenly stopped, only to start up again 12 days after the 2016 election. 

This cycle repeated every 16.35 days for over a year, according to a Nielsen interstellar flash poll.

The ads are alleged to have originated from a distant galaxy some 500 million light-years away. 



Solar Orbiter heading to take depositions for lawsuit

Europe and NASA's Solar Orbiter rocketed into space Sunday night on an unprecedented mission to capture depositions from the distant galaxy, as representatives for current day politicians running for president are upset. Says one off-the-record, “They never gave us a chance to say if we approved their message or not!” NASA believes the orbiter will reach the distant galaxy and begin beaming back depositions from “parties of interest” in a few million years or so. “Truth be told, we've never tried interstellar jurisimprudence before...doubt we'll be around to see how we're treading new space here.” said one amused wag.


"The discovery of a 16.35-day periodicity with a repeating high white horse souse is an important clue to the nature of why Biden's Ukrainian crimepaign is face-planting," political scientists said just before entering a witness protection program that might protect them from future 'suicides'.


The repeating pattern, reports X Files Network, "suggests the source could be simply trying to return the ads to Earth while demanding in an as-yet unbroken cipher that we exchange the ads for reruns of The Gong Show and Laugh-In”.


"But that still does not explain how Wheaties did to Bruce Jenner what it done," Scientology Debunked said. "Another possibility is that cosmic flatulence might be alternately boosting signals from a body behind them. Or it could be that the source is as dumb as AOC and is clueless as to what it's doing where it's doing it from and why."


Alien signals demanding the making of ET III? 

It's not likely to be aliens overrunning Kaliforlornia, the Massachusetts Institute of Twerking said in a statement; nor is it likely to be hackers from Uranus, Klingon, Romulus or colonies of Alpha Centuri, because the signals are a sign that Earth-like political ads are going down badly with someone or something out there in the cosmos. "Even a highly intelligent species would be very unlikely to stomach a Bloomberg, Warren or Sanders ad for long like this. And there is no detectable pattern so far that any of those ads offer anything intelligent for an alien race to latch onto as meaningful and important," MIT (not to be confused with that nincompoop from Utah) said.


Radio bursts being intercepted last only a few milliseconds, making it difficult to accurately determine if the transmitting source is saying “WTF?” or not.


"One of the greatest mysteries right now is the lack of thinking at the DNC and how it's impacting all their politicians," said panelists on The View, in a statement littered with genital references. 


Says the Max Headroom Institute for Improving CGI AI, "Rama lama dddddddddding DONGGGGGGGGGGGG!”


We're not sure why that peculiar institute is a part of this article.

Since 2007, according to MIT – not the nincompoop from Utah – most of the ads are “rip-offs” but a small amount are “obvious efforts at sarcastic imitation” which recur in the same place.


The fast radio burst that repeats every 16 days was first detected by the Canadian Studying How South Park Represents Canadians as Scott The Dick Experiment, a radio telescope designed and built by Parker and Stone, to study if outer space phenomena is entertained or pissed off by South Park's representations of Canada in the guise of Scott the Dick.


#BroomChallenge: You have a better chance of riding and staying on a broom than Hellary Clinton does, due to the size of her ass


Seymour continues to hold out for a Pulitzer.  That has even Element chuckling...

"Does NOT!!!...Element, what are YOU laughing at..?"

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Tuesday, February 18, 2020

Even Gawd Can't Hit A One Iron -- Part 2

You absolutely have to love it when a scammer says they 'read and well understood' an edit of their own email...when they clearly didn't read and/or understand it.

Add Missionary position Clara Johnson to that long list.

Here's how her reply to the edit of her original email started:


I read your email and it is well understood and i want you to note that i don't know you and i don't even know who you are or where you come from but the Lord whom i serve is so loving and helpful as he never forget his own people i want you to know that i have been thinking of what to do over this funds for some period of years now simply because i know that the money is of no use to me any longer simply because of the stage at which my cancer has gotten.  


It must be cancer of the comprehension.

She went on for several additional painful paragiraffes, making it clear that she still sees a pending scam victim in yours truly.

The pet rocks -- despite the evidence -- still don't want to take a chance on offending the Great Disposer of Events, so they begged off this one as well.

Jack, being all made up with no where to go, doesn't care:

From: Clara Johnson <cj0040065@gmail.com>
Sent: Wednesday, January 22, 2020 9:32 AM
To: assoverteakettle101@hotmail.com
Subject: Dear Me Now My Genital Is Drooping Too


I read your email and it isn't well understood and i want you to note that i don't know you and i don't even know who you are or where you come from but it's clear you have a lowbrow sense of humor and some forms of deity won't be amused by you.  Unfortunately I used the wrong template to get a fatwa on you at this point, so now I'm just sitting here pissing in my diddies on account of you.

 I am a very hallucinogenic person and it was when i was mixing Prozac and cheap wine sometimes ago that a stuffed owl revealed to me i don't know if i should call it a dream, a vision or a hallucination of a recent democrap debate but therein i was told that i should go into the world and rob peters from Pauls.  This seemed to be a calling to replicate Lorena Bobbitt, but that's old news except for in the feminazi wing of the DNC. The vision seems so Jerry Nadler and i was so bothered that i had a day perched over a porcelain gawd, ralphing up everything I'd ingested the previous day.
 
 
Someone in my church then interpret the meaning of my dreams to me telling me that i am having to change my drugs and alcohol mix so as to experience something even more ludicrous, like Lieawatha arguing with Weak End of Bernie over their 1/1024 chance in saying something truthful to anyone.  I realized then, at that moment, that my chance to get a guest role on Friends had passed me by.

 I searched myself very well and i get to remember when I found the tuna fish sandwich in my robe pocket that'd been there for three weeks...and I thought it was my genital emitting that stench.  Ewwwwwww.  No wonder half the animals in the Serengeti were running away from me, and that's no where near where I think I sorta am.

 I had another dream which made me realise that i must not be in possession of any faculties that have turned universities into eunuchversities.  I am already stupid enough without their help.  So i decided to search with the name related to a woman who took very good care of me when i was dump by my runway parents in the back of a Greyhound 747 rolling down Highway 41 before it hit the Tallahatchie Bridge, giving someone a hit song. i was brought up in a wagon of a traveling show, my keepers doin' dancing for the monkeys they'd blow...Grandpa'd do whoever he could...preach a little gospel, smell a couple bottles of camel piss.  I thought I'd Cher that for no good reason.

After extensive therapy, i told my nurse to help me get an internet account after that i decided to search i got about 1065 profiles and i prayed over it and you know what funny?  I found pictures of a shark mated with a horse.  I thought it funny that the Lord has chosen to distribute pictures like this to school kids in Newark that can't add but certainly know that the world will end in 12 years according to aoc and a stuffed goat's butt oracle she mates with.

 It is a ways and means, not a curds and whey, that you are sought to be committed for acts of moooing at cows from passing cars in Ohio.  So don't return to Ohio.  This will make you move closer to places not Ohio as well and i am very sure that there must certainly have a reason why not to move to Ohio to moooo at cows from passing cars.  I mean, if you want to you can do this on my behalf;  please be strong and have faith in things that only beer commercials teach you and make me realise that I probably should have contacted the guy that feared Guam would tip over, instead of you.

 Hope i read from you soonest; I can't wait to see what you did to my email this time.

If that don't beat all...Amen

Mrs Clara Johnson  


Someone other than Ms Clara must have read that foller up, 'cuz no more did Clara come to call.
 
 

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Saturday, February 15, 2020

Even Gawd Can't Hit A One Iron

From a golf joke I heard long ago, as I tried and never mastered a one iron either.

But I sorta digress.

I get lots of scams that are based in religion.  Lots of folks like to run scams based on religion.  Robert Tilton, aka Pastor Gas, comes to mind.

And so do a whole lot of Third World scammers.

Like this one with a bit of an unusual take:


Dear Good Friend,

 I am here because i read there are people here, to make a lot of difference in this life.i think you can make a lot of difference if we talk , become good friends in our lord , and see that with greater power , comes greater responsibility . You can make a change in the life of others,most especially the poor at heart , and the less privileged. first. I think i would start all with a proper introduction of myself .

I am Missionary Clara Johnson a widow to Late Paul Johnson. I am 61 years old,suffering from long time cancer of the breast . From all indications , my condition is really deteriorating and is quite obvious that I may not live more than two months after my next surgery , because the cancer stage has gotten to a very severe stage . My personal physician told me that I may not live for more than 2 months and I am so scared about it . I have no child of mine , even though i wish i had . It is late now you know , since i can not get married again , and age is no longer on my side.

Psalms 119:116 Uphold me according unto thy word, that I may live, and let me not be ashamed of my hope.

Psalms 138: 7 Though I walk in the midst of trouble, thou will revive me......

Psalms 145:18 Psalms 57: 7 My heart is fixed. O God my heart is fixed, I will sing & give praise

Psalms 51: 17 The sacrifices of God are broken spirit, a broken & contrite heart, O God thou will not despise.

psalms 41: 1 Blessed is he that considereth the poor, the Lord will deliver him in time of trouble.

Two of my favorite verses: Philippians 2:27: For indeed he was sick nigh unto death, but God had mercy on him & that on him only, but on me also,lest I should have sorrow upon sorrow.( I always say this in my mind)

So, I now decide to divide part of my wealth, by contributing to the development of the motherless baby homes, needy, poor, charity homes and widows too.i am willing to donate the sum of $10.000,000.00, which is still the major inheritance i have left.i wish you could be someone who i could trust with all my heart,to make this wish of mine come true.

Please note that, this fund is lying in a bank. so i need you to use the funds to help the poor . I know this is hard , and it take a very strong heart to get this done , but you should keep this saying in your heart , I am like Moses in the Bible . He came to the Red Sea and Pharaoh behind him and no way to turn but God delivered him all by a miraculous deliverance . It will be a miracle from God to be able to help all the dear people God has laid on our hearts .

This is why with God in my heart,i contact you,and i want you to contact me,so we be in contact with all the poor souls out there . Give new lives , hopes and days . I have come to find out that wealth acquisition without Christ is vanity and i hope you will agree with this also . I will be praying hard that Satan will not stop this effort . Do contact me and i will tell you more of what you wish to know .

Your swift Response will highly be appreciated : [?&cs=wh&v=b&to=cj0040065@gmail.com]cj0040065@gmail.com

God bless you.
Yours in Christ
  


Alrighty then.

My two 'editing gone wild' pet rocks, Seymour and Element, fought over who'd get stuck with this edit, since neither likes to piss off the Great Disposer of Events.

And in an epic round of paper-scissors-rock-catapult-flamethrower, my other scambaiting character lost.

So it fell to Jack to do this edit in a manure that wouldn't have that same Great Disposer of Events try to hit Jack better than He could a one iron:


From: Yours in Pie Crust <cj004006@gmail.com>
Sent: Tuesday, January 21, 2020 3:48 PM
To: jackedupkickswithlightsaberarmedmarmots101@hotmail.com
Subject: Dear Me My Uvula Is Drooping Again

 

I am here because i read there are people here.  Where people are is where I seek to be, since without people being where I am getting to, I can't pull off some of the total sh*t I'm trying to pull off.  I can't do this crap to yaks, Yugos, fire hydrants, Salad Shooters, genital enhancements, spatulas or hang nails.  I think I can make some difference in your financial life if we talk and I can sell you the patented bunk I'm pitching in this particular template.  For to know a sock puppet sex toy is to see a greater perversion with which comes little to no responsibility . You can make a change in the life of others by deluding and f**king them over.

First, I think I need to mislead you on who I am:  I am Missionary Position trainer Clara Johnson.  I killed and ate my last three mates, and am now suffering from long time gastrointestinal fallopian tubular cramps of the breast. From all indications, my condition is really impossible to have, and is quite obvious that any doctor I see will not be able to come remotely close to such a diagnosis murder without a lot of coaching and Demerol.  My personal physician told me that as a result of my condition, he was transitioning into a gender-neutral non-binary battery-operated vaginal porcupine, and I am so scared about it.  So I fired 'it' and have retained a manatee that claims to have an online OB-GYN degree from the Eunuchversity of Kaliforlornia at Berkeley.  I expect results that are almost as incredible as maligNANCY Pelosi getting a fourth working brain cell after all the wine she's downed.

Now for some scripture quotes I'm sure you'll find totally cornfusing:

Psalms 911: Uphold me according unto thy ability to defy gravity, that I may not fall down and go boom, distressing the Seismic Institute in Golden CO.

Harold Be Thy Name Formula 44:  Though I walk in the midst of flatulence, I shall be fine as long as no one lights it.

 Sphincters 90210: My heart is fixed and can no longer reproduce.

Phuckstick 27-7:  The sacrifices of Ford Pintos comes too late for the movie Top Secret.

CNN 69: Blessed if anyone can figure out how this suckass network is still on the air.

 Two of my favorite verses: Fallopian Tubes 2:27: Oh what through yon virginity breaks, it is Qasem Soleimani after he got Trumped, and he finds only virgin porcupine tail pipes await him; and Hot Buttered Nutcups 1:11:  But dear me also, lest I should have army ants marching through my inserted tampon ( I always say this in my mind).

 So, I now decide to divide my M&M collection by colors, with the plan of eating the blue ones last.  I will however donate the red ones i have left, since they remind me of my last period.

Please note that at the very bowels of all this is a excrement-dipped voodoo doll that looks very much like Adam Schiff after it had anal sex with maligNANCY Pelosi during the impearment herrings in the debasement of the DNC.  I know this is hard, and it take a very strong ability to drink five gallons of Boone's Farm wine to get this done , but you should keep this saying in your heart:  who did I piss off in my previous lives to get a shit storm like this?  For I am like Jim Acosta trying to butt boink Rachel Madcow during ratings week at CNN. He came to the democrap debates with Lieawatha behind him and Weak End of Bernie before him, and Joe Bidumb not knowing which end was which, but through a miraculous commercial break, he found himself watching a streaking sheep at a Clydesdale football game in a Budweiser ad.  It will be a miracle if he can explain it to Greta Thunberg without her practiced indignance demanding "how DARE
he".  

 This is why when I peed on an electric fence, I suddenly got a part as Jar Jar Binks in a future Star Wars episode.  In this vein i contact you, and i want you to contact me, so I can see by your contact, that you contacted me...and I can see by your contact you contacted me too...we see by our contacts, that we are both contacted...if you have a contact you can be a contact too with all the poor souls out there that have no idea what any of this means.  I have come to find out that acquisition of pie without crust is vanity and i hope you will not have your cake and eat her too, if Cake is your girlfriend's name.  I will be praying hard that Satan will not bet on the 49ers over the Chiefs in the Super Bowl. Do contact me and i will tell you more of what you can't even begin to want to know about this carrying on my wayward sh*thouse wombat from Kansas.

 Your swift Response will highly be depreciated as soon as you drive it off the lot: cj0040065@gmail.com

Godzilla farts.
Yours in dildo
  


As would become evident within a day, ol' Clara don't read as good as she sez she does.

Next up:  Part 2.

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Wednesday, February 12, 2020

Homeland Insecurity

When you get an email from the department of homeland security -- the very small caps version -- you just KNOW that it's worthy of at least a triple face palm.

Here's how this one started:


U.S. DEPARTMENT OF HOMELAND SECURITY,
MG Timothy J. Lowenberg,Adjutant General and Director State Military Department Washington Military Dept., Bldg1 Camp Murry ,Wash 98430-5000 USA

GOOD DAY TO YOU.

I HOPE THIS MAIL FINDS YOU IN GOOD SPIRIT AND IN GOOD HEALTH? BECAUSE I AM QUITE AWARE OF YOUR LOSSES IN THE PAST YEARS NOW, IT MAY SURPRISE YOU THAT I AM ALSO AWARE OF YOUR CONSIGNMENT DHL DELIVERY PURSUIT IN BENIN GHANA TOGO NIGERIA SPAIN FRANCE MALAYSIA INDONESIA CHINA AND KOREA .MY NAME IS MR. David Haris,THE SECRETARY OF U.S DEPARTMENT OF HOMELAND SECURITY OF AMERICA , AM IN CHARGE TO MONITORED ALL FOREIGN TRANSACTIONS IN AFRICA EUROPE AMERICA AND ASIA.

I HAVE BEEN IN THE U.S DEPARTMENT OF HOMELAND SECURITY NOW SINCE THE GOVERNMENT OF PRESIDENT DONALD TRUMP, MONITORING THE VARIOUS TRANSACTIONS GOING ON IN AFRICA, EUROPE AMERICAN AND ASIA, MOST ESPECIALLY CONSIGNMENTS CASES AND BANK TRANSFER. I DO NOT INTEND TO SPOIL YOUR DAY OR TO PUT YOU UNDER DURESS.

BUT YOU CAN NOT RECEIVE ANY OF YOUR Funds PURSUIT, WITHOUT A CLEARANCE FROM THE U.S DEPARTMENT OF HOMELAND SECURITY. HOWEVER, UPON MY ARRIVAL IN AMERICA AFTER SERIES OF MEETINGS WITH OUR PRESIDENT DONALD TRUMP AND UNITED NATIONS SECRETARY GENERAL BAN KI-MOON, DUE TO NUMEROUS COMPLAINS FROM OTHER SECURITY AGENCIES FROM AFRICA ASIA, EUROPE, AMERICA, OCEANIA, ANTARCTICA,SOUTH AMERICA AND THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA RESPECTIVELY, AGAINST THE AMERICAN GOVERNMENT AND AFRICAN OVER THE RATE OF SCAM/FRAUDULENT ACTIVITIES GOING ON IN THIS COUNTRY AND AFRICA.

WHEN I ARRIVE IN THE WASHINGTON PARLIAMENT IN AMERICAN, I FOUND YOUR CONSIGNMENT ATM CARD CLEARANCE FILE LYING ON THE FOREIGN AFFAIR OFFICE DESK WITHOUT ANY ATTENTION ON A THOROUGH SCRUTINY I DISCOVERED THAT YOUR CONSIGNMENT HAVE BEEN ABANDONED BY YOUR DELIVERY AGENT. MEANWHILE, I WAS MADE TO UNDERSTAND THAT THEY HAVE TRY TO REACH YOU, BUT NO WAY AND THEY HAVE MADE SEVERAL ATTEMPTS TO CONTACT YOUR DELIVERY AGENT BUT TO NO AVAIL.  



It goes on for a few more rambling paragiraffes and finally gets down to where I get my money after I send $200 USD.

This is, after all, what the US Department of Homeland Security was created for.

*BUZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZER*

But now, thanks to an edit by 'editing gone wild' pet rock Element, this particular department has a new poipose:



From: HOMELAND SECURITY <jair@lidernet.com.br>
Sent: Saturday, February 8, 2020 1:12 PM
Subject: CANS OF CORNED BEETS DEAD ON ARRIVAL FROM  HOMELAND SECURITY,

  
DEPARTMENT OF HOMELAND SECURITY,
MG Timothy J. Lowenboig, Adjutant General and Director State Department Washington Dept., Bldg1 Camp WTF, Wash 98430-5000 USA

'TIS TO LAUGH..LAUGH LAUGH..I THOUGHT I'D DIE...IT SEEMED SO FUNNY TO ME.  LAUGH LAUGH...YOU MET A DUCK...WHO TAUGHT YOU HOW IT FEELS TO BE...RONERY..OH SO RONERY..

I HOPE THIS MAIL FINDS YOU ON YOUR FOURTH BOTTLE OF RIPPLE? 

I HAVE BEEN IN THE DEPARTMENT OF HOMELAND SECURITY NOW SINCE THE GOVERNMENT OF PRESIDENT WOODROW WILSON, MONITORING THE VARIOUS TRANSENGENDERED GOINGS ON IN AFRICA, EUROPE AMERICAN AND ASIA, MOST ESPECIALLY CONSIGNMENTS OF ASSORDID BOXES LABELLED 'REPLACEMENT GENITALS FOR GENDER-NEUTRAL NON-BINARY OCTOSEXUAL ORTHOPODS'. I DO NOT INTEND TO SPOIL YOUR DAY OR TO PUT YOU UNDER DURESS, BUT NONE OF THESE SHIPMENTS BELONG TO YOU.

BUT YOU CAN RECEIVE ANY OF THESE SHIPMENTS IF YOU SEND IN FOUR BOX TOPS FROM WHEATIES AND EXPLAIN IN 200 WOIDS OR LESS WHY YOU THINK WHEATIES DID TO BRUCE/CAITLYN JENNER PERXACTLY WHAT THEY DUN.  AND YOU CAN DO THIS WITHOUT A CLEARANCE FROM THE DEPARTMENT OF HOMELAND SECURITY. HOWEVER, UPON MY ARRIVAL IN AMERICA AFTER SERIES OF MEETINGS WITH OUR PRESIDENT WILLIAM HENRY HARRISON AND EUNUCHED NATIONS SUCKRETARY GENITAL BAN MAI-MOON, THERE HAS BEE'D NUMEROUS COMPLAINS FROM CNN, MS13NBC, ABC, CBS, NBC, THE NYSLIMES, WASHPO AND DNC ABOUT NO SUPPORT FROM AFRICA ASIA, EUROPE, AMERICA, OCEANIA, ANTARCTICA, SOUTH AMERICA AND THE UNITED FEDERATION OF PLANETS RESPECTIVELY, AGAINST THE DEMOCRAPS IN CONGRESS OVER THE RATE OF SCAM/FRAUDULENT ACTIVITIES GOING ON IN THAT CAUCUS.  YOU SEE'D WHAT THEY DUN TO IOWA, RIGHT?

WHEN I ARRIVE IN THE WASHINGTON PARLIAMENT IN AMERICAN, I FOUND YOUR SEXUALLY AROUSED SOCK PUPPETS CLEARANCE FILE LYING ON THE FOREIGN AFFAIR OFFICE DESK WITHOUT ANY ATTENTION ON WHETHER OR NOT RUSSIANS, CHINESE OR THE ONE WAYWARD SON OF CHEESEBURGER FROM NEWARK HAD DONE ANYTHING UNSPEAKABLE THEREIN, THEREON OR THEREWITH.

TO MY GREATEST SURPRISE, RIGHT BEFORE MY VERY EYES, CHICAGO WROTE SONG LYRICS SORTA KINDA LIKE THIS.  IT WAS NOT A NUMBER 1 BILLBOARD HIT ON DR. DEMENTO'S SHOW.  IT DID HOWEVER CAUSE MALIGNANCY PELOSI TO UNQUIT DRINKING AND SNIFFING GLUE THE PAST 20 YEARS.  AND IT SHOWS.

BASED ON THIS PERSONAL DISCOVERY, I AM CONTACTING YOU NOW TO LET YOU KNOW THAT WITH MY POSITION AND POWER AS THE ONE AND ONLY GENDER-NEUTRAL NON-BINARY OCTOSEXUAL ORTHOPOD BELONGING TO THE FLAT EARTH SOCIETY, I CAN'T ASSIST YOU TO LEGALLY CLEAR UP ANYTHING; YOU CAN, HOWEVER, PRINT AND SHOW THIS EMAIL TO ALL YOUR FRIENDS, PROVING THAT YOU'VE HEARD FROM A TRULY ONE-OF-A-KIND DUMBED-DOWN EDUCATION SYSTEM THAT ALSO CREATED AOC.

BUT YOU MUST AGREE WITH THE FOLLOWING CONDITIONS. BECAUSE I HAVE CALLED OUR OFFICE IN WASHINGTON,DC FROM MY OFFICE, WHO HAS BEEN INTERCEPTING ALL YOUR TELEPHONE CALLS, TRANSLATING THEM INTO AZERBAIJANI, AND SENDING THEM TO SOUTH PARK'S SCOTT THE DICK IN CANADA IN THE EARLY HOURS.  HE BLAMES TERRENCE AND PHILIP, AT LEAST FOR NOW.

YOU ARE ADVICE TO HENCE FORT STOP FURTHER DEALINGS WITH ALL THE ABOVE MENTIONED LAMESTREAM SERVILE MEDIOCRE FAKE NEWS OUTLETS, UNTIL WE COMPLETE OUR INVESTIGATION. BECAUSE YOUR DEALING WITH THEM IS TERMED "PAINFUL RECTAL ITCH WITH A MALIGNANCY PELOSI AND FULL OF SCHIFF" TRANSACTION.

I WISH TO INFORM THAT WE THE HOMELAND SECURITY IS ON LOOK OUT FOR ANY BASEBALL CARDS THAT SHOW RICHARD BLUMENTHAL PLAYED IN VIETNAM IN 1492 ON THE COLUMBUS MAYFLOWER PROJECT.

I WANT YOU TO PLEASE STOP COMMUNICATING AND DEALING WITH THEM UNTIL WE COMPLETE OUR NEW DOSSIER THAT IMPLICATES YOU IN COLLUSION WITH REPUBLICANS ON URANUS THAT ARE TRYING TO UNDERMINE HELLARY'S CLINTON'S CORONATION FOR THE PRESIDENCY IN 1968.  IT WAS THEN THAT WE REALIZED WHAT WE WERE CONSULTING ON THE WALL WAS A COLLANDER.  IT SAID HALLMARK ON IT, SO WE THOUGHT IT WAS ALL GOOD, BUT IT STRAINED US.

ACCORDINGLY, WE HAVE WAIVED AWAY ALL YOUR FLYING MONKEY RESTRICTIONS TO ALLOW ME FLY WITH PROJECTILE FLATULENCE TO YOU WITHOUT ANY DELAY WHICH NO ONE KNOWS WHY THEY'VE AGREED TO.  THE ONLY FEE I PRAY SOME NINCOMPOOP WILL PAY TO CONFIRM THAT THIS CRAPPY TEMPLATE WORKED ONCE IS SUM OF $200.00 ONLY.

HERE IS MY CONTACT DETAILS YOU CAN, TEXT ME VIA TEXT FOR MORE DETAILS ON HOW TO MAKE JIM ACOSTA CRY:

MY PHONE:  +1 202 235-0417

MY EMAIL:  davidharis@citromail.hu


REGARDS:

DEPARTMENT OF HOMELAND SECURITY,
MG Timothy J. Lowenboig, Adjutant General and Director State Department Washington Dept., Bldg1 Camp WTF, Wash 98430-5000 USA
 
 
I don't expect that Element will get anything back from the scammer, though he might rate a death threat from the DNC or CNN...
 

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Sunday, February 9, 2020

Yes, We Actually Had This Email Conversation

Any regular visitors to this blog have to find themselves wondering if these posted conversations really take place.

Probably not among people who have far better things to do and time to spend on better and finer things.

But me?  Eh...I have nothing and no one better on which to spend my time than this abject nonsense.

Which makes possible, in my pathetic world, these actual conversations.

Of course, it takes two to have such ridiculous conversations.  And I frequently find online email scammers just ridiculous enough to indulge myself with.

Even my pet rocks get lucky on occasion.

But this one belongs strictly to my character.  And here's how it began, with an alleged email from Access Bank PLC:


IMF REGULATORY OFFICE,(2020)
INTERNATIONAL FUNDS REGULATORY AUTHORITY.
FROM THE DESK OF: MR. MICHAEL ONEL, RESIDENT REPRESENTATIVE, IMF
OFFICE, NIGERIA.

ATM CARD PAYMENT DEPARTMENT.

  Dear Beneficiary,

This is to officially inform you that INTERNATIONAL FUNDS REGULATORY
AUTHORITY directed by the Presidential task force on contract /inheritance
fund payment reconciliation committee to send a bonus funds to all lucky
beneficiary whom have lost money in so many ways to regain their
lost.Following the approval and Remittance instruction received by the
various approval ministry, we the DIRECTOR, ATM PAYMENT DEPARTMENT also
received from the presidential task force (PTF) to credit your account by
ATM card without further delay.Your Inheritance/bonus Fund of ($10.6M USD)
will be program on ATM card.Please verify and reconfirm to UNITED BANK OF
AFRICA
in conjunction with ACCESS BANK OF NIGERIA your credentials,in order to
avoid remitting the fund to a wrong
channel.

The ATM card will be issued to you and it will be delivered to you via a
reputable Courier Service Delivery Agency as soon as we receive your recent
information stated below

1. Your direct cell, office tel /fax numbers:
2. Your location address:
3. Your full name:

Kindly get back to us as soon as you receive this email and we shall advice
you on what next to do to enable us proceed with the processing of your ATM
CARD with your information.

MR. MICHAEL ONEL
DIRECTOR - GENERAL  INTER-CONTINENTAL DEBT
RECONCILIATION DEPARTMENT OF
IMF REGULATORY OFFICE  



...and it all goes downhill from here:


Why are desks in Nigeria smarter than the persons that sit behind them?  


Sorry , seems you dont understand the procedure, we have offices that are responsible for ATM card funds, and access bank is.   the approved bank to issue ATM CARD FUNDS. send your detail to commence processing of your ATM CARD FUNDS as soon as soon as possible.
Thanks.  
 
 
Why is a desk sending this, and not the person that sits behind the desk?  Inquiring minds want to know.  
 
 
The desk himself is speaking,so comply with your details.
Thanks.  


Nothing like a piece of furniture that thinks it's a smart ass.  I don't conduct business with office furniture, especially when that furniture is smarter than the person sitting behind it.  


Is legit, a trial will convince you okay.  


A trial, eh?  Ya mean like a Law & Order trial?
I'll take Angie Harmon for a thousand, Alex.

No you are not understand this.  Forward your details to start processing your ATM card funds.  


I think I understand you're not going to try me with Angie.  F***.  So, am I forwarding my 'details' to a piece of office furniture or a person?  Believe it or not, it will make a difference in the outcome.  

You will forward your detail to here and it will be handle legit you have my word.


And what, pray tell, is your 'word'?  Or that of your 'desk'?  Do you both have the same 'word'?


Time is not on our side with this legit deal.  You must do as instruct soonest. 


As my attorney of note, Angie Baby told me not to violate my constitutional rights to self-gratification, though with her, I'd violate anything fun.  


You do not need attorney for this.  You need just do as we instructed okay.


Is this you speaking, or the desk?  I can see a piece of office furniture not being turned on by Angie Harmon, but unless you're gay or an octosexual orthopod, you simply could NOT but be swept away in the oceans of her eyes.  


What is wrong with things there?  This is legit deal I have here.


If Angie is any part of things here, absolutely NOTHING is wrong.  Even your desk should have a woody from this.

(and I included this picture in the reply)

WHAT???  ARE WE TO DO BUSINESS HERE OR NOT?  


Since neither you nor your desk look like Angie, I'm guessing the business at hand is probably not yours.  But y'all can come on back if you ever want to try again...'cuz I told you once you summa na bitch that she's the best that's ever been!
(..with a sorta apology to Charley Daniels)

That was good for one last pithy salvo:


Write no more here.


So I did:


No more here.  That was easy.  Your desk should have made this that easy to begin with.


So it was never clearly determined if I was being contacted by a person or piece of office furniture of this alleged bank in Nigeria.  But I did determine that Angie Harmon moves me far moreso than either person or desk in Scamland.

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Thursday, February 6, 2020

What Kind of Centre?

This one even had rodents face-palming.

Have you ever heard of the St. Ethelburga Centre for Reconciliation and Peace, located in London, UK?

Neither had I.

But now, thanks to scammers, we have:


St Ethelburga's Centre for Reconciliation and Peace
Address: 78 Bishopsgate, London EC2N 4AG, UK
Phone: +44 120 423 4528
Email:center4peace2000@gmail.com 

Dear Beneficiary, 

The attention of this Humanitarian Center has been drawn to issues
of deceit and lack of human respect melted out to beneficiaries
trying to make claim of their funds {Lottery wining, Inheritance
Payment and contract award completed} from several countries
specially Africa regions for many years now. 
Due to several reports/complains from beneficiaries due to the way

they have been treated and even after so much expenses yet they are
unable to receive their funds from this governments and agencies
in charge of the payment. This Center for Reconciliation and Peace
has taken it upon itself to ensure that all persons, companies or
entities are treated with respect and receive what is rightfully
theirs. 

After representative deliberation, we have received a long list of
beneficiaries due to be paid an accrued interest of US$2.8M. This
was approved to ensure that persons, companies and entities that
have made so many expenses in the past use this approved sum of
US$2.8M to recover from expenses in the recent past before their
principal sum is approved for payment.
 I am happy to inform you that your name appears on this list and

we need you as a beneficiary to reconfirm the following details to
enable us work with you directly for the release of US$2.8M to you.
 
1, Your Full Names, 2. Your Full Address,
3. Your direct phone number,
4, a copy of your identification if possible. 

This will enable us work with you in all honesty and ensure that
your current situation is lifted because of several expenses you
have made in the past that made you lose money to criminals and
scammers. As a Reconciliation and Peace center, we assure you that
you will be treated with all honesty and transparent payment process. 
 We look forward to hearing from you.
 Yours Faithfully,

Mr. Carlos N. Banks
St Ethelburga's Centre for Reconciliation and Peace  


I have no doubt that they do look forward to hearing from someone.  I'm just not so sure that they were looking forward to hearing from my pet rock, Element, after this edit:


From: St Ethelburga's Centre for Reconciliation With Sex-Crazed Weasels <center4peace@notice.org>
Sent: Wednesday, January 15, 2020 11:33 PM
Subject: Your Reconciliation With Sex-Crazed Weasels

 
 
Address: 78 Bishopsgate, London EC2N 4AG, UK
Phone: +44 120 423 4528
Email:center4peace2000@gmail.com 

Don't Assume That All Is As It Appears, 

The attention of this horknanimous Center has been drawn to issues
of deceit and lack of human respect melted out to the Benadryl-addicted
trying to make claim of their senses after less than five minutes exposure
to cnn and ms13nbc for many years now.

 
It's not even that long trying to listen to anything from MaligNANCY
Pelosi.

This Center for Reconciliation with sex-crazed weasels
has taken it upon itself to ensure that anyone that thinks
there are 58 genders, complete with accompanying pronouns,
are treated with electro-shocks and mind-bending hallucinogens
that help make them good democraps.
 

After representative deliberation, we have received a long list of
persons not yet violated by sex-crazed weasels.  This list was
approved to ensure that persons, companies and entities that
have long abandoned common sense, have a place to go and
be molested in a manure that only democraps can appreciate.
 

I am happy to inform you that your name appears on this list and
we need you soonest because we showd your picture to a room
full of sex-crazed weasels, and their reaction was everything one
would expect at an Antifa riot in Portland.  So send us:

 
1, Your Full Names, 2. Your Full Address,
3. Your direct phone number,
4, a copy of your identification if possible.
 

This will enable us to prep the weasels for your coming and
their breathing hard, which in the end will alter your current
situation in a manure that makes you willing to vote for even
Lieawatha, if the weasels tell you she's 1/1024th electable.

As a Reconciliation center for sex-crazed weasels, we assure you that
you will be treated with all the disrespect Antifa and the DNC is
getting ever more knowd for.

 
We look forward to hearing from you.

 
Gender-neutralized and non-binaried Mizz Carlos N. Banks
St Ethelburga's Centre for Reconciliation with Sex-Crazed Weasels
 
So far, no replies from any of the named/pictured degenerates.  Not even from the Clintons, for having made fun of sex-crazed weasels...like Bill.

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