Wednesday, December 7, 2016

Moron Jurassic Air

When a scammer wants to affirm authenticity, he always turns to recognized companies and forms of transport.

Like this one tried:

DEAR CUSTOMER, THANKS FOR USING OURCOURIER SERVICE: your  ATM Card package is officially registered with our UPS COURIER SERVICE  for immediate convening to your destination, please open the attached fill /view  your ATM Card package preparing, the delivery charges already paid by U.N treasury accept the insurance fee & the security keeping fee of $95 dollars which you have to sent to the UPS treasury staff office with the below receiving information to enable the UPS Delivering chief security officer sign & stamp your package for delivery, make the payment with the below information’s through western union or money-ram transfer office of your choice there in your country,
The payment slip & information’s should be forwarded to us once the payment is done for our office record file keeping,
Receiver Name: CELEB ONAH EDE
Question……….. My
[Answer……… own
Send Name and MTCN............?
Amount $95 DOLLARS
You are hereby given 5 working days to make the payment as to avoid counting demurrage, accord into the law OF UPS Delivering company world wide, We shall proceed for the delivery as soon as we confirm the required payment from you, your registration tracking details will be send to you, make sure that you transfer the fee today or tomorrow morning to allow us proceed on your service as soon as possible.
Best Regard.
Mr.Zongo Damnai
Email Address:  
So my character has five days to ship out $95 to some yutz in Burkina Fatso or the deal is off, eh?  Well, I could simply wait out the five days and leave it at that.  But that ain't my way.
So I respond thus, affirming to the scammer that here, I only use one form of air courier service:
I don't use UPS.  I use Jurassic Air exclusively.  You want something delivered?  You will have to get on Jurassic Air's shipping list.  
Jurassic Air:  when it absolutely positively can get lost or eaten overnight.
The scammer actually replied to this as follows:
you are having jest with me?  
No jest.  When Jurassic Air delivers, throw it a sheep and you'll get your delivery.  Don't have a sheep handy and still want your delivery?  Be prepared to offer up a healthy portion of  Jurassic hors d'oeuvre...or become one.
Suddenly, Mr. Zongo seemed to have lost his thirst for my $95...

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Sunday, December 4, 2016

Politically Correct Gestapo Barbie? **UPDATE**

Author's Update:  December 2016 brings lots of news.

Not all of it good.

Like for example, Hollyweird -- running out of movie ideas -- wants to make a Barbie movie.

Yes, that Barbie.

But they want to use very unBarbie looking Amy Schumer.

*sound of phonograph needle going off record sideways along with a multi-voiced WTF???*

Welcome to imagination and intellect bankrupt Hollyweird on the eve of 2017.  At any rate, since this is a *thing*, the blog author thought he'd revisit a take on Barbie from the summer of 2015, long as we're being imagination bankrupt:

Really? Obola's hoax and change warped world, I can see this. 

"Hello Barbie" reputed to be an actual NSA mole.

One that's got feminincompoops going crazy over her politically incorrect looks.  But not her intent.

And Barbie thought her problems were over when she dumped genital-less Ken.

Here's a snippet from the article that got this 'thing' started:

In what has got to be one of the creepier consumer moves of recent years, Mattel has launched a new Barbie doll that can record childrens’ voices and upload them to the internet. Come Autumn of 2015, the ‘Hello Barbie’ doll will facilitate two-way conversations between children and their dolls. While the ostensible purpose of this technology is to create a doll that has seemingly organic conversations with kids, it’s difficult to not see this as yet another strange Orwellian surveillance tool.

As of yet, there is no direct evidence that the dolls will actually be spying on the kids in real time, but we do know they will be archiving everything the children say in a database, likely to be sold to data mining companies.  

And in the hoax 'n change Obolaland, that could also mean that access to what kids are saying is made available to...the N...S...A.

Which of course would only be the first step in the twisted world of Obola's Marxian makeover of Amerika.  Obola's demented of justice would probably then require Mattel to give Barbie specific questions to ask their human pre-adolescent hosts.  Things like:

"Do your mommy and daddy listen to that hatemonger Rush Limbaugh?"

"Are your parents unfair to other kids by reading to you before you go to bed?"

"Are your parents racist by making you peanut butter 'n jelly sandwiches?"

"Are your parents homophobic by being heterosexual?"

"Is your sister a pro-life anti-woman bigot?"

"Is your brother a sexist pig by having pictures of Taylor Swift on his wall instead of Caitlyn Jenner?"

"Have any of your friends ever criticized the rioters in Baltimore?"

"Please tell us the name and address of anyone you hear making negative comments about".

And with that, "Hello Barbie" becomes "Indoctrination Barbie".

Of course, the Nazis were way ahead of Mattel with their own Barbie:

Klaus was a concept that Obola apparently likes.  Certainly political correctness dweebs on college campi these days are in love with it.

Even if she sounds stupider than a Marie Barf nuanced hashtag.

Now, to be fair -- *snerx* -- Mattel hasn't announced that this is the intended plan for "Hello Barbie".  Of course, they'd never admit to it if it were.  Just like Obola knows nothing about what he's done until he hears about it on the news...

At any rate, that's the latest news on the latest version of Barbie coming to stores near you this year.

Which will offend the feminincompoops because she's still too feminine and perfect looking.  From what we hear, Mattel is working on that:

A lot of the Left will have problems with assorted aspects of this fix, so Mattel will go on trying to fix it until absolutely NO ONE (on the left) is offended.

Which would mean that Non Offensive (to the left) Barbie would wind up looking like this:

Which would offend everyone on the Right, but in toxic Obolaland, that doesn't matter.  

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Thursday, December 1, 2016

Ol' Yellen

Letting one's dog read an email from Janet Yellen might have the same result.

Especially a scam Yellen.

Like this 'un:


I'm sure the dog would have the same look on his face after the edit:
Sent: Friday, November 4, 2016 12:05 AM

Fauxderal Reserve Bank New Yawhk
Ref.: Piranha Panty Release Update.
                                    For Pity's Sake, PPRU Code (US/A84PRFGN2016)
By means of this message, we wish to inform you that your hour of confoundedness and actualization has come after our meeting with the United Nations, PETA, ASPCA, Genitals Without Borders, South African Reserve Fish Love and the Fauxderal Reserve Bank officials, it has been agreed that your approved receipt of Piranha Panty Release Update shipment valued US $10.00 and the Care And Usage documents for your PPRU materials will now be processed and released to your shipping address through our specialty courier service, Jurassic Air Delivery, New Yawhk.
However, it may interest you to know that after the meeting with a couple of gender confused members of the Clinton Crimedation, the sordid department has entered into full partnership with the Fauxderal Reserve Bank. Your shipment valued at $10.00 will be delivered to you by the highly trained pterodactyls of Jurassic Air Delivery shortly after you make contact with me.
To this effect, you are to contact us with the details below so we can spank the pterodactyl's peepee and send him on his annoyed way:
Full Name:-----------------------
Alternative Email:-----------------------
Your id or international passport:-----------------------
When the pterodactyl makes delivery, just throw it a sheep or a Hellary stupor volunteer zombie and it will release your package to you without taking off your arm.  Thanks for letting us give you the business which is what we is best at doing here at the Fauxderal Reserve Bank New Yawhk while we looking forward to fondling any goats you may have or know.
Thanks and Congratulations in Advance.
Best Regards,
MRS. JANET L. YELLEN (and she really does so when she accidentally uses an SOS pad as toilet paper)
Neither 'Yellen' nor Old Yeller had anything further to offer here.  I assume the deliverer threw the pterodactyl a sheep or something...

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Monday, November 28, 2016

Eating Entwistles

I guess when a scammer is desperate for a score, they'll read what they want to of a reply, if not just totally skip the content of the reply and simply respond BECAUSE they got a reply.

That seems to be the case of the scammer playing the US Ambassador to Nigeria, James Entwistle.

Here's his opening ploy:

Office of the US Ambassador to Nigeria
11 Garki road Abuja
Abuja, Nigeria.
Tel: +2347084639869.


Without mincing words, I am convinced 100% that you have had bitter experience with various scammers claiming to be high government officials banks and thereby defrauding you of your hard earned money the activities of these scammers has changed your perspective about conducting business on the internet and you now believed there is no genuine business that can be conducted on the internet. Well I am American and the internet was created by Americans for the purpose of creating; awareness for your products/ services and conducting genuine business with ease. I am fully committed to deliver the diplomatic consignment to you. I am a full citizen of the United States but i was on a mission here in Nigeria as a us ambassador to Nigeria.

Hence, I am making every effort to ensure that no citizen of the United States is cheated by Nigeria/Benin republic. Therefore, I need your utmost support and understanding to actualize this dream. I also want you to understand that i do trust you and i expect you to show me the same trust and respect in return since trust is a 2-way street. On the other hand, trust is a relationship of reliance. Trust also means being able to predict what other people will do and what situations will occur.

I shall be coming to your country for an official meeting on Monday and I will be bringing your funds of $5M along with me but this time I will not go through customs because as an ambassador to Nigeria, I am a us government agent and I have the veto power to go through customs. As soon as I am through with the meeting I shall then proceed to your address. (Send your cell phone number and the address where you want me to bring the package).

You have really paid so much in this delivery that makes me wonder. You are a very lucky person because I shall be bringing it myself and there is nothing anyone can do about it, your package($5 MILLION UNITED STATE DOLLARS) must be registered as an ambassadorial package for me to defeat all odds and the cost of registering it is $178.the fee must be paid in the next 50 hours via western union or money gram so that all necessary arrangement can be made before time will be against us. Contact me immediately for the registering fee which is $178 only.  

You get the gist.

Here was my character's simple reply:

What, the Nigerians haven't eaten you yet?  
His reply reveals a full reading comprehension *FAIL*:
Office of the US Ambassador to Nigeria
11 Garki Road Abuja
Abuja, Nigeria.
Tell: +2347084639869.

Att:Frank Unsteen,

May peace of the Lord be with you and your family over there. Thanks
for your email and explaining your mind to me. I understand you have
to be very careful before sending the money. I know you have hard some
transaction you are involved before or now but I want you to know that
this will surprise you because you will receive your fund once the
money is sent. I am a man of honor and I don't need your money for

Honestly, I am not disputing your curiosity and feeling of UN-known
fear. Obviously there are many bad people out there without human
conscience who can do anything just to get quick money that never last
and can not solve their problem. Look I am a devout Christian and my
relationship with God matters a lot because God is watching every of
our activities good or bad. I feel bad seeing people doing all kind of
silly things just to fleece innocent people their hard earn income.

Receivers Name: Paul Edu
Receiver's Address: Abuja, Nigeria.
Text Questions: To Whom?
Text Answer:Paul.
Amount: $178.

I shall be earnestly expecting your swift response to this mail upon
its receipt.

Thank you,
Mr. James F.Entwistle,  
So my character tries again:
Gee..all I asked was whether the Nigerians had eaten you yet.   The rest never entered my mind.  
 We still are not quite connecting in the reading comprehension department:

Why must I cheat you? Does that solve my problems?  Look this world does not end on the planet earth, after death come judgment.
Therefore, my relationship with God matters.  I want you to know that
there is no peace for the wicked ones and you must always be better
than them in all spheres of life.

Receivers Name: Paul Edu
Receiver's Address: Abuja, Nigeria.
Text Questions: To Whom?
Text Answer:Paul.
Amount: $178.

I shall be earnestly expecting your swift response to this mail upon
its receipt.

Thank you,
Mr. James F.Entwistle,
Us Ambassador To Nigeria.  

Did I accuse you of cheating me?  I simply asked you why it is that the Nigerians surrounding you have not yet eaten you.  For a US ambassador, you're not terribly bright.  
Someone finally rang a gong that 'Entwistle' heard and allowed him to understand what the last email actually said...perhaps a dinner bell?

you are disgusted.  This is too serious for child.  Are you serious or not?  

I would think that getting eaten by the locals would be pretty f**king serious, dude.  Did they do you as a tamale, brisket, BBQ or skewer?  Know that of course Hellary won't rescue your ass if Boko Harumphf gets their mitts on you, so getting et might be a worthy option.  Think of the world hunger you'll cure for at least one happy hour.  

Either that was too much for the recipient....or he got et.

Some might not, but then again, I ain't some...

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Friday, November 25, 2016

The FauxBI Writes Again

The FauxBI knows all about that, too.

At any rate, yet another version of the FauxBI has written to my characters.

All of them.

And for only $400, all of them can avoid being arrested.

Read how it begins yourself:

J. Edgar Hoover Building,
935 Pennsylvania Avenue,
NW Washington, D.C. 20535-0001
USA. is an official site of the U.S. Federal Government,
U.S. Department of Justice.

Dear Beneficiary,

This is the Federal Bureau Of Investigation (FBI) using this medium to inform you that there is no more time left to waste because you have been given Since January  till this moment and you have failed to secure the required Wire Transfer Documents from Office of the Presidency as stated earlier and you must adhere to this directives to avoid you blaming yourself at last when we must have arrested and jailed you and all your properties confiscated.

You failed to comply with our directives to secure the Wire Transfer Document from Office of the Presidency and that was the reason why we didn't hear from you on the 3rd of July as promised and our Executive Director Mr. James B. Comey, Jr has already been notified about this situation report and to get the process completed you have to secure the Wire Transfer Documents from Office of the Presidency immediately with the help of Mr.UBA LARRY or the warrant of arrest which has been signed against you will be carried out in the next 72hours as strictly signed by the FBI Executive Director Mr. James B. Comey, Jr.

As a good Christian and a honest man, I have decided to see how I could be of help to you because I would not be happy to see you end up in jail and all your properties confiscated, I called Mr.UBA LARRY of the Office of the Presidency who will help you secure the Wire Transfer Documents and he stated that he will assist you as soon as you send to him the sum of US$400.00 Only and I believe this process is cheaper for you.

You need to do everything possible within today and tomorrow to send the US$400.00 to Mr.UBA LARRY who will help you secure the Wire Transfer Documents in your name because our Executive Director Mr. James B. Comey, Jr has called to inform me that the warrant of arrest has been signed against you and once it has been approved, then the arrest will be carried out and from our investigations we learnt that you were the person that forwarded your identity to one impostor/fraudsters in Benin Republic when he had a deal with you about the transfer of some illegal funds into your Bank Account which is valued at the sum of US$10,500,000.00.  

It babbles on for a few xtree paragiraffes but ends again on the same fauxthreat of arrest and confiscation should my characters fail to follow instructions.

One of my characters was "elected" to be the official response to the FauxBI in the edit, with a symbolic middle digit raised accordionly:

From: FauxBI Office <>
Sent: Friday, October 28, 2016 5:29 PM
Subject: is an official scam of the Government
NW Washington, D.C. 20535-0001 USA. is an official scam Government,
U.S. Department of Jaundice

Dear Benef**ktory,

This is the Fungeral Burro of Incestuousness (FauxBI) using this extra large to inform you that there is no more time left to waste because you have been given Since January  till this moment and you have failed to secure the required Wire Transfer Documents from Orifices of the Clinton Crimedation as stated earlier and you must adhere to this directives to avoid you blaming yourself at last when we must have arrested and jailed you and all your properties confiscated, your pets prostituted and your wine bottle collection raped.

You failed to comply with our directives to secure the Wire Transfer Document and that was the reason why we didn't hear from you on the 3rd of July as promised and our gutless Director Mr. James B. Chickensh*t, Jr has already been notified about this situation report and to get the process completed you have to secure the Wire Transfer Documents with the help of Mr.UBA LARRY -- a thoroughly disreputable yak muffin working at the Clinton Crimedation -- or the warrant of arrest which has been signed against you will be carried out in the next 72hours as strictly signed by the FauxBI's gutless James B Chickensh*t, Jr.

As a goat sodomizing islamofascist, I have decided to see how I could be of help because I would be happy to see you end up in jail and all your properties confiscated, especially if you have goats that I get to start doing.  I called Mr.UBA LARRY of the Clinton Crimedation who knows nothing of  the Wire Transfer Documents and he stated that he will not assist you as he wants you arrested so he can get your used toilet paper collection, which he values more than the US $400.00 fee we were angling to scam you out of.

You do not need to do everything possible within today and tomorrow to send the US $400.00 to Mr.UBA LARRY so that we can have you arrested because our gutless Director Mr. James B. Chickenshi*, Jr has called to inform me that the warrant of arrest has been signed against you and once it has been approved, then the arrest will be carried out and from our investigations we learnt that you were the person that forwarded your identity to one impostor/fraudsters in Benin Republic with the Pringles moustache drawd on the picture.

I pleaded with the FauxBI to let me issue this arrest warrant on you because I know you're a jerk and a freak and your ex-friend is an inconsiderate and insincere fraud who meant not one word she ever said before doing something stupid for the umpteenth time because she's been dropped on her head or something.

Make sure that you hesitate in making the payment of US$400.00 to the name stated above so that Mr.UBA LARRY which will fail to help you secure the Wire Transfer Documents in your name and then after all this process has failed we can have you arrested and all your possessions cornfedscated.

Here is the information to send the $400.00 Via Money Gram:
Receiver Name.. LARRY UBA
Text Question..Jerk and Freak
Text Answer..Is Actually Marie

Note: all the crime agencies have been contacted on this regards and we shall trace and arrest you if you disregard this instructions so be warned not to try any thing funny because you are been watched by a grand father clock of dubious cuckoo antecedence.

For the FauxBI Office
Mr. James B. Chickensh*t, Jr
Clinton Crimedation suckup  
So far, none of my characters has been arrested or suffered any confiscation of anything.  I was rather hoping they'd confiscate the morphing leftovers from my refrigerator, before I have to shoot them (the leftovers)...

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Tuesday, November 22, 2016

Now Everyone Can Be Happy

In a leftist world view, there aren't supposed to be winners and losers; just participants.  Well now, everyone can get over Election 2016 and get on with life.
On accounta cuz:
All better now.

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Saturday, November 19, 2016

A Pet Rock's View Of College Cupcakes

Yes, my pet rock, Seymour, has done DC.  Courtesy of his awesome friend and host, Lynn Abbott.

No, my pet rock did NOT vote on November 8, 2016.  As a mineral, he's not eligible to vote and he respects the process.

Besides, he's not a democrat.  Even dead cartoon characters can register and vote in that party.

My pet rock has become amused at some of the protests around the country by, in a lot of cases, college "cupcakes" who are totally blown away that their criminal queen Hellary didn't win what was supposed to have been her "deserved" coronation.

I seem to remember that she was supposed to have been "Inevitable Hellary" and have a coronation in '08, too...and no one (other than her) lost their cookies over it not happening.

Guess George Soros wasn't going to pay college cupcakes money to protest his other puppet.

At any rate, Seymour came upon an article about a bill being introduced by an Iowa representative that goes after colleges potentially using tax payer money to foment leftist unrest and doing George Soros' work for him.

Seymour thought it -- the article -- in need of some reality, so he gave it some:

It's a pathetic day that such a bill has to even be introduced. Then again, it's already a sad day that alleged young adults make it possibly necessary. Iowa Rep. Bobby Kaufmann probably considers it both.

According to this, Rep. Kaufmann has felt it necessary to introduce a bill meant to target colleges and universities that spend taxpayer dollars on 'trigger events' like elections, and waste those dollars – meant for education – on stupid crap like safe zones, cry-ins, as well as grief counseling for students who can’t handle the most inane of things like their candidate losing. The bill also calls for criminal charges for idiots that block highways because their widdow feewings are hurt.

I doubt this will help but for those who grew up getting participation awards:

The bill has been nicknamed the “Suck It Up, Buttercup” bill. Rep. Kaufman sums it up thus:
“I’ve seen four or five schools in other states that are establishing ‘cry zones’ where they’re staffed by state grief counselors and kids can come cry out their sensitivity to the election results,” said Rep. Bobby Kaufmann (R-Wilton) to the Des Moines Register. “I find this whole hysteria to be incredibly annoying. People have the right to be hysterical … on their own time.”
“I have no issue with protesting,” he said. “In fact, I would go to political war for anyone who wanted to protest or dissent and they couldn’t. But you can’t exercise your constitutional right by trampling on someone else’s. When they blocked off Interstate 80, they crossed a line.”
Naturally, the leftist whiners are already crying about it, that the bill (and Kaufmann) is going to stifle free speech and deny these delicate flowers the right to make their childish angst a problem for everyone:
Spokesthings – remember the demands for gender sensitivity – for the state’s public universities deny weakly that they are spending additional state resources to give hypersensitive students – traumatized by professors, cnn, the dnc, FBI and Wikileaks – a chance to melt down and go into thumb suck mode over imagined tribulations they've been told they should be traumatized by.
“I think universities are the perfect place to have turned on their ears, tax payer money wasted, and a whole generation of wusses raised that will make asses of themselves doing traumatized videos on YouBoob,” said a blithering idiot from a state eunuchversity that's dropping intellectual standards to accommodate dumbed down social engineering. “It’s where we indoctrinate stupid. It’s where we plant these silly, non-productive ideas. I consider it necessary so that the dizzying drop in ethical journalism standards at places like msnbc has a purpose.”
There was a time when universities were meant to be not only centers of learning, but a good place for healthy debate and discussion. Iowa seems to have devolved the approach of stifling one side of the debate – the side that challenges liberal nonsense – to favor the dumbed down side of a discussion or a conversation or a dialogue. It’s become leftist indoctrination, bordering on threats in some cases. A simple philosophical disagreement is greated with cupcakes screaming “CHECK YOUR PRIVILEGE!” before they’ll allow themselves to grow up and consider a point of view other than their reality-ignorant own.

Sounds like Iowa's lower education is happy to facilitate this one-sided conversation.  

I guess I can understand Iowa eunuchversities wanting to calm the simpering waifs:  after all, their state went*trigger word upcoming warning..*...Trump.

*Hundreds of cupcakes just wet themselves*

I and my pet rock wish Rep. Kaufmann luck with his bill.  Sounds like what's left of rationality at Iowa's colleges needs it.

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Wednesday, November 16, 2016


A Failbook icon answers this well enough.

A scammer began his ploy by asking if my character's email address was good.  Read it here:

REF: CBN/LHG/OXD00091/16


Can you please confirm if you are still using this email address. It would be quite pleasing if you can assure me that you are the owner of this email address so that I can give you more details about your inheritance fund with our Bank.  Due to the urgency of the meeting held today,there is presently a counter claims on your inheritance funds by your relative (Mr.Andrew Lee) who is presently trying to make us believe that you are DEAD and even explained that you entered into an agreement with him that he should claim your fund as your next of kin.

From the records of outstanding beneficiaries due for payment, your name and your email address was discovered as next on the list of the outstanding beneficiaries who have not received their payments. I wish to inform you that your part payment is being processed and will be released to you as soon as you respond to this notification letter. Also note that from my record in my file your outstanding part payment is One Million Three Hundred Thousand Dolars.

Please if you did not sign or authorize him to receive your fund on your behalf, kindly reconfirm your details to enable us process your payment if you are still alive. YOUR NAME: YOUR ADDRESS: YOUR PHONE NUMBERS:

However we shall proceed to issue all payments details to him if we do not hear from you. We are sorry for any inconvenience and delay in transferring of this funds must have caused you.I wait for your urgent reply.



My character's response was something of a buzz kill:

No I sold it to Libyan terrorists operating on Uranus as a cover for their illegal octopus sex with accordians videos.  Why?  

The *Jeopardy Theme* is still running, and no reply is forth, fifth, sixth or more coming it seems.  Guess the scammer isn't interested in dealing with Libyan terrorists operating on Uranus as a cover for illegal octopus sex with accordion videos.

I for one can't understand that...

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Sunday, November 13, 2016

A Scam Genital Of The Armity

When my scammer claims to be a general, I'm reminded of the movie The Dirty Dozen, where "Franco" lets Major Reisman know that he's not a general, and later Pinkley is/ain't a general.

That's kinda how it felt hearing from this general, especially with how he started out:

I’m General Richard D Ivalah a Congolese by nationality, presently in Malaysia due to War in Syria
I got your email address through google yellow page.
I have a transaction involved transferring of funds amounted to US40M USD I want you to invest. Please upon the receipt of your reply, I will give you the full details on how the project will be executed; in addition I am willing to offer you Thirty percent of the total sum.
But considering the money involved, it is necessary for me to be sure of the person to whom I will be entrusting this transaction, precisely the Funds and I know that you do not know the nature of this transaction and I am sure you have not done this kind before. Therefore for us to  proceed forward to me the bellow information for proceedings:
1) Your Full Name:
2) Present address:
3) Telephone:
Yours sincerely,
General Richard D Ivalah  

Alrighty then.

Since I was getting ready for work and had limited time for edits, this one is probably not up to the standard of General George Patton's address to his troops.  Then again, it didn't need to be:

I’m Genital Richard D Ivalah, taco supreme commoder and genital in chief of the Congolese Armity, which due to war type conditions in Syria, Afghanistan, Iraq, a couple 'burbs in Burntimore, Charlotte, in the RNC and DNC for differing reasons, I'm in St. Maartens, making sure none of that war like crap comes here during Happy Hour or the Sports Illustrated swim suit shoot.

So I'm a texist.  Shoot me.

I got your email address through Wikileaks, who got it from the Russians and Chinese off Hellary's Clinton's very leaky email server that wasn't wiped as clean as she thunk it wuz.  Dumb beeyotch.

Being a high falutin genital for a national armity is a horror and a placenta, but it at times leaves me wondering who hit Annie in the fanny with a flounder, and other things of that nature.  Thus and as such how it come or breathed hard to be, I gots a transaction involved transferring of stuff of assorted and sundried varietals and I want you -- no, not that lemon to your left, YOU -- to incest with it and get me a gooder smell pecker cuz a genital shouldn't sound so dork.

Please upon the receipt of your reply, I will give the order to charge one hundred orders of onion rings, and perhaps by the time I get back to you, I'll know why.  I expect it to go gooder than Custard's charge of the Lite Beer Brigade during the Criminy Sakes War, which had a third less canons than a regular war but tasted marginal.

In addition I am willing to offer the first fifty callers a free onyx meadow muffin, laminated and autogiraffed by Bill Clinton's genital guitar therapist.

See why I need a new smell pecker?

Considering the monkeys involved, it is necessary for me to be sure of the person to whom I will be entrusting this transgenital railrude to, since maybe you record what I said to my sexretary outside a Motel 5.5 while she fallated an inflatable dump truck 20 years ago, and it'll wind up on YouBoob with Brian Williams claiming he was there under sniper fire with hellary and her lyposuction pump that can't keep up with her expanding ass.  

Now I know what you're thinking:  did I drink six shots, or only five.  Well to tell you the Baby Ruth, I kinda lost track in all this excitemount.  But being as how this h'yar is a BB gun, the most limp wristed pea shooter in the world, and will just put a funky welt on your tallywhacker, you gotta ax yourself one question:  did I feel lucky with Wicked Wanda last night? 

Finally, give you my personals below so that a record may be made of this and played backward, scaring the sh*t out of a bunch of cake cupped college stunteds in your country that need a safe blown because of trigger wards....whatever I sorta maybe just said:
 1) Your Full Name:
2) Present address:
3) Telephone:

At sleaze,

Genital Richard D Ivalah  
If this email winds up on Wikileaks, I'll KNOW it made it to Hellary's ease.

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Thursday, November 10, 2016

A Note To Whiny Hollyweird Celebs

Amy Schumer and a number of her malfunctioning pals are now confronted with putting their moving boxes where their mouths are.

Uh huh.

In some ways, I'm as surprised that Donald Trump won.  In a conversation with a Libertarian friend of mine in the fall of 2015, he asked me if I thought Trump had a chance of getting even the Republican nomination.

I didn't say "when cows fly", but I might as well have.  I flat didn't see it happening. 

Nor did I really believe that it would happen, until late on the evening of Election Night, when Ohio went decisively for Trump.

I began looking for a cow-resistant umbrella.

Personally, I considered this the strangest election in my life time, with two of what I considered the weakest, unethical candidates this nation could have settled on.  At one point I referred to it as The Clown Vs The Corrupt, Unlikeable Clinton.  And while I was sure that had the results gone as George Soros, the media and 48 or so percent of the electorate believed it would -- and it was going to be bad -- I can't say that I'm totally sure it's going to be so much better this way.

Though I confess that I'm not sorry that Hellary lost and so many of the pundits went to bed with faces smeared in humble pie.

That all said...I heard an assorted and sundry collection of so called "celebrities" proclaiming that if Trump won, they were leaving the USA.  We've heard that before.  Alec Baldwin was leaving if Dubya won.

He's still here, imitating Trump on SNL.  

My own answer to all those celebs -- these pictured, and more -- was for them not to let the door hit them in the ass on the way out.

But someone on Failbook came up with something even better, and posted it for public sharing.

So I am doing so here:

Julian Kolicci "Dear Hollywood celebrities,

You exist for my entertainment. Some of you are great eye candy. Some of you can deliver a line with such conviction that you bring tears to my eyes. Some of you can scare the crap out of me. Others make me laugh. Many of you make fabulous salaries far beyond anything I'll ever earn for doing it. But you all have one thing in common: you only have a place in my world to entertain me.

That’s it.

You make your living pretending to be someone else. Playing dress up like a 6 year old. You live
in a make believe world in front of a camera. And often when you are away from one too. Your entire existence depends on my patronage.

I’ll crank the organ grinder; you dance.

I don’t really care where you stand on issues. Honestly, your stance matters far less to me than that of my neighbor. You see, you aren’t real. I turn off my TV or shut down my computer and you cease to exist in my world. Once I am done with you, I can put you back in your little box until I want you to entertain me again.

Don't whine; you live large off my patronage.

I don’t care that you think the BP executives deserve the death penalty. But I bet you looked cute saying it.

And you? Really? I’m supposed to care what the director of fluffy tripe made for gullible people thinks about global warming or gun control? Get back into your bubble. I’ll let you know when I’m in the mood for something blue and shiny.

And I'm also supposed to care that you will leave this great country if Trump becomes president? Ha. Please don't forget to close the door behind you. We'd like to reserve your seat for someone who loves this country and really wants to be here.

Make me laugh, or cry. Scare me. But realize that the only words of yours that matter are scripted. I might agree with some of you from time to time, but it doesn’t matter. In my world, you exist solely for my entertainment.

Whine, threaten to're nothing but an act to me. And your empty threats are nothing but words someone else put there for you to mouth. If you leave, it'll be as if you were never here in my world. Because unless it's on a TV, ipod, computer or mobile device, you're only here in my reality-based world as entertainment. And if you go, there's plenty more entertainment where you came from that I'm happy to replace you with.

Entertainment more mature than you're acting.  

Whatever a Trump Administration brings in the year and more ahead, anyone who wants to leave because he won, should simply shut up and do so.

None of them will be missed here.  Any more than the flying cow that missed falling on me...

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Monday, November 7, 2016

A Pet Rock Edit For The Ages

My pet rock, Seymour, has been chaffing at the quartz to do another scammer email edit.

He outdone hisself with this one.

Witness the meta-edit-asis as the email goes from how it originally arrived:

Attention Beneficiary,

This is to inform you that your payment file has returned back to our
office, and the government is now aware of this your fund of $5,5
Million usd at this moment, and they returned your payment file in our
office for us to start sending your funds of $5,5 Million usd to you
through Western union so that you will receive $5000 twice daily until
the total amount of $5,5 Million usd scheduled in our office is
completely send to you.

Noticed for past years what made you not receiving your $5,5 Million
usd from our office is due to government have not approve your fund
and also you don’t have International transfer permit
certificate(I.T.P.C) which will help you in receiving your payment
from any western union in your Area. Do not contact any office again
except our western Union to avoid mistake because your payment file
and your fund of $5,5 Million usd has been scheduled in our office
right away, what holding us not start sending your fund today is that
Ministry of Finance has not sign and stamp your fund approval
certificate, and i have already take your fund approval certificate to
office of ministry of finance for him to sign and stamp it then to
enable us start sending your fund without any delay.

As you can see here is the MTCN Number of your first payment which we
credited for you today, track it with our website:, to confirm that your payment is (available to
pick up)

1)Senders Name:: Holly Waldon
2)MTCN Number::: 7298423178
3)Amount::: $5000.00 USD.

Track it with our website: or you
can call this number to confirm the payment of the MTCN Note that on
your reply this massage make sure you send the full information
Remember that the full details you can use to pick up this first
payment will be send to you once we receive the transfer charge of
$70.00, You have to treat urgent by reconfirming your full information
to us immediately you receive this massage to enable us start the
process of your payment immediately.

1.Your Full Name...
2.Your Address...
3.Your Tel Number....
8.copy of identity card___

Only $70. you will pay for sign and stamp your fund approval
certificate to enable ministry of finance sign and stamp your payment
file today to enable us start sending your fund to you,Contact us at
our Official E-mail Address( ) and you have to
re-confirm us with your full information

once again congratulation in advance

Best Regard.Mr.Phillip William Odu
Office+229 98838231 what Seymour turns it into:

From: Western Benin Lets Make A Deal Office <>
Sent: Friday, October 14, 2016 1:24 PM
Subject: What's Behind Curtain Number Two


This is to inform you that your first choice -- the caramel asshole
in the clown suit and inflating a yak with helium -- has returned back to our
office, and the government is now aware of your first bad choice in our
version of Let's Make A Really Sucky Deal, with your host, the Monte Hall
of Benin, Ukulele Ungabangabunga. 
Now you have to choose from what's in the big furry envelope covered
in wildebeest semen, what's in Box Number 1, or Clown Suit In The Woods
Number 3, in the life sized sh*t plated Hellary butt thong, or...*drum roll*
what's behind Curtain Number 2.  

Noticed for past years what made you not receiving a prize worthy of
looters in Burntimore is due to government have not approve of your
choice of candidates for pubic orifice; that you didn't renew your
subscription of The Benin Gong Show; that your dead relatives are
not voting for hellary Clinton as suckretary genital of the UN; that
Howard be thy name; that the NBC Nightly Gnus With Brian Williams
was shot down in a hot air balloon over Uranus in 1492 and caught live
on the Hubble Periscope garnering him an Emmy, Uncle and other
relative digressions; and that Kim Kardashian was robbed by Miley
Cyrus doing a twerking pole dance with Lena Dunham and a goat
on The View, allowing Kanye West to declare that Paris Hilton is
the greatest threat to chihuahuas this side of Sheboygan.
Also, there's the little matter that you've been fracking your
septic tank with carbonated douche water and Napa Valley
now smells of vinegar and worse; that your hairy fungerer
and also your cosmic muffin don’t have Intergalactic transfer permit
certificate (I.T.P.C) which will help you to allow geese to molest midgets
in Kansas during houses falling on Hellary's sister after a tornado and
assorted hallucinogens being applied thereabouts. 
Do not contact any office again with the story that your pet ocelot ate
your home room teacher's Beatles record collection without audio that
can be played backward so that the demonics can be clearly heard.

We want to avoid mistake because another season of The Benin
Kardashians will end the government-ruined TV cable service here,
and we'll be left with Cannibal Chefs and Dancing With The
Suicide Vested Dead Terrorists in prime time.
As you can imagine, cast iron wings will not help Wiley Coyote catch
the Road Runner, but will certainly garner an Oscar Mayer or Anthony
Weiner sext for a promise of his getting to do Lena Dunham in a clown
suit portraying Whoopie Goldbrick played by his ex-wife.

You have to treat urgent by reconfirming that you're a six fingered
twat waffle to us immediately so that we can publish this in the only
working outhouse left in Benin...a lot of toilet readers are counting
on you.  Start by sending us your:

1.Your Full Name...
2. What You're Full Of...
3.Your Tel Number....
4.What's Occupied Your Shorts Lately.......
8.Copy of anyone's identity card cuz we're running short.....

All this and less for only $70.  You pay this and we'll know that you're
a certifiable twat waffle and no smarter than a tree stump in the
Kardashian family tree stumps.  
If you has questions, comments, audible belchs or farts concerning
this email don't feel free to contact us at
our unofficial E-mail Address ( ) and you have to
re-confirm that goat sex in the Middle East is only R rated in the Democrapic
National Committee video room.

 Mr.Phillip William Odu until next Thursday when he becomes Mrs Wilhemina Idid
for a duet with Miley Cyrus, a pan flute and can of tuna
Office+229 98838231

Now, the originating scammer wanted apparently nothing to do with the edit or the person/mineral what dun it.  However, one of the recipients to the edit was not quite sure how to react:


That's good.  We should all be somewhere.  


Did you read the email?  If you read it then you would know what I mean.  If you didn't read it, read it so you'll know what I mean.  If you read it but didn't understand it, say so and I will explain it more clearly (like that email edit is explainable in any way, shape or form, but I don't think it matters with Mr. "WTF" here).

Then he finally read the email and that ended that...for now.

At any rate, this was a Seymour edit for the ages, and will most certainly get Lena Dunham upset because Seymour didn't hit on her.



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