Thursday, November 26, 2015

Post 1100 And A Scammer Thanksgiving...Not

That is what Thanksgiving would look like at my place, except excess smoke billowing from the kitchen is missing.

And the turkey isn't wearing a Scott Air Pack instead of a lampshade.

But I digress.

For Post #1100 on this blog, I again edit a chosen scammer of dubious antecedence and one that had no idea what was returning to him whenst he wrote my character.

Here is a piece of the scammer's ploy in which a scammer using the name Momoh Lawson really thinks he can pull this off:

How are you today,your family and your work/business? Believing that the Almighty God is in control? I am just coming back from the diplomatic courier service companies office,they give me their procedure,the stage where we are now is that they are charging us for their handling and delivery charges which you know that is normal because there is no how the consignment will be delivered/conveyed to you for free.
They charged us the sum of :$18,600 dollars for their services but will be splited into(3) parts and their condition is that we must try and pay to them the mobilization fee first before they start coming which is 1/3 of the their total charge.....$ 6,200 dollars only and the remaining balance $12,400 dollars you will pay to them when they get there and call you both of you meet face to face.
So,there is no how i am going to leave you to take care of the expenses alone but we have to share it together,i pay mine here and send the receipt to you which you will confirm from the company then contribute yours please. As they are prepared to start coming by tomorrow,they are demanding for any of your identifications which they will use to recognize you as the real beneficiary and claimant of the consignment when both of you meet and also this requirement are needed.  
I like how my character's package went from free to $12,400.
Eh...inflation in Scam Land.
What went back to ol' Momoh isn't going to go over well in MargaBurkaville:
Do you believing that the Almighty Dawg is in control? I am just coming back from the diplomatic courier service companies office where they just threw one of the wildest parties that I am lucky to have been too drunk to recall, because they had it all:  exploding jihadists, dancing camels, burkahed goats, playing The 52s version of Rock The Casbah at 150% normal speed backward, so that we could hear lyrics like "devil bunnies, devil bunnies, I snort the banana!"  I still can't remember if I was raped by a camel or a goat, but at least I missed the last exploding jihadist for free.


The idiots they found to cater that party charged us the sum of $18,600 dollars for their services but since I taked Crummy Core meth your phart will be splited into (3) parts and their condition is that they took the same kind of alcohol that I did and are just as drunken stupored as I got, so one of three equal parts is not $ 6,200 dollars only and the remaining balance $12,400 dollars you cannot arrive at by simple subtraction.  You must add three, carry the five, explain amoebic dysentery to a tree stump and thus you'll arrive at 22,000 telephone poles an hour, and from that you will make unequal payments for something that was once mentioned to be free but can never be...can't you see, oh can't you see, what that bad goat...been doin' to me?  

So,there is no how i am going to leave you to take care of this methed up dream alone but we have to share it disproportionally; I plan to pay mine in simulated gold plated llama droppings and send the receipt to you which you will confirm from the Identifying Scat For Dummies book I'll also enclose, then contribute yours please.  If you want to gold plate yak scat this is okay.  As they are prepared to start coming by tomorrow -- their foreplay takes way longer than mine did -- they are demanding for any of your identifications which they will use to recognize you as the somberoed college student that did unspeakable things to an alpaca at last year's Sprung Break on the Golan Heights Llamas Gone Wild video.

Now the disclaimer requires that you enclose the following informations:  

Your full name without selfies.........
Home address vs work something else..........
Telephone number (don't be a smartass on this, give us all ten of them in order).......
Passport, Glen Livet, Crown Royal or Boone's Farm Ripple...................
Nationality only when you're sober..............

Send it and respond immediately so that we don't have a chance to respond before you respond which should throw a monkey in the works, and they start coming or at least breathing hard  without further delay. 

Now,the good news is that i have finally succeeded in sodomizing a harbor seal named Winkee and that saved me 15% with Geico.  Yes, I know that this sounds so wrong, but I don't have a problem pronouncing the letter "L" so just to proove your thoughts wrong.  This is as a result of where the Diplomatic Service Courier Company is having the Regional Deposit Centres in major harbors where the seals are in approval.


You can now see that i am a very sick, twisted and perverted person for any blindly stupid person to partner with because i never let go and never allows my parts or roles to be messed up.  I may get messed up and sodomize a Yugo exhaust pipe on Allah's day of fouling his turban with pelican shit 'cuz he chose a harbor full of them to walk through, but my real fear that i am having now is that i do not know if you will betray me to PETA at last or will publish this email all over internet with my selfie taken when I did the harbor seal.
Finally, you should not alow the diplomat to know that the content of the consignment will blow up and throw rancid coleslaw all over him and a full city block. Call me immediately you receive this mail with my new line +22893664679 

Yours while masturbating a goat,
The sad news...Momoh won't have speaks with me no mores.  He won't even congratulate me on this being post #1100 (though, he sent this email to another of my accounts...more to come on that).
But I think I pissed PETA off.... this is for them  ;-)

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Monday, November 23, 2015

Operation WTF

As one can tell here, some operations don't work.

And they don't go any better in Scam Land.

Take this one from Serah Ibrahim Coulibaly, allegedly from the Ivory Coast:

Dear Sir/Madam,

My Name is Miss Serah Ibrahim Coulibaly 25 year old female from
the Republic of Ivory Coast, West Africa, I'm the Daughter of Late
Chief Sgt. Ibrahim Coulibaly (a.k.a General IB ). My late Father was a
well known as Ivory Coast military leader, He died on Wednesday 27 April
2011,  following a fight with the Republican Forces of Ivory Coast

I wish to contact you personally for urgent assistance, and long term
relationship with business investment in your Country, I feel quite
safe dealing with you in this important issue, I am in search of
reliable person who will stand as my Foreign Trustee over the transfer
of my inheritance funds ($17.1, Million,us, Dollars) Seventeen Million
One Hundred Thousand
United States Dollar with Bank Of Africa in Burkina Faso and I am the
next of kin,

My currently life is very unbearable I am in pain and several pressure
which is beyond my control since the death of my parents. I am
pleading with you to come and save me out from this mess that has
been fall on me I need your maximum support to transfer the above funds
to your account,

I had discussed with the bank managing Director to make withdrawal of
the total money for me to start a new life, But the Bank Managing Director
whom I met in person told me that my father's instruction in his
(deposit will) was the funds would only be released to me when I
present a Foreign Trustee who would help me and invest the money
overseas for proper management, as I have no idea over international business,

With due respect I had writing this long message to seek your
assistance for the following reasons below :

1. To stand as my Foreign Trustee for the funds.

2. After the transfer of the money, you will locate a good school for
me to continue my studies in the Western World,

3. To invest the money in profitable business in your country for
future and better life,

As it stands, I am ready to offer you 25% of the total money for your
kind assistance,

Please all my communications with you should be through my private
email address for confidential purposes, upon your response I will
give you the bank contact information and my late father’s deposit
certificate, and other details of the funds which you will use as my
TRUSTEE to apply for the Immediate transfer of the mentioned funds to
your bank account.

I will appreciate your urgent response through this my private Email

Thanks and God bless you

Miss. Serah Ibrahim Coulibaly

About as convincing as hellary's Benghazi liefest.

So with a little edit, let's see if this heps 'her' out any:

On Thursday, October 29, 2015 10:15 AM, Serah Ibrahim Coulibaly <> wrote:
Yo Dawg,

My Name is Miss Serah Ibrahim Coulibaly 25 year old former male from the Republic of Ivory Coast, West Africa.  I was the son of Late Chief of Staph & Strep Ibrahim Coulibaly (a.k.a General IB ). My late Father was a well known as Ivory Coast military leader, He died on Wednesday 27 April 2011,  following a training exercise while cleaning a grenade with the pin out.

Hate when that happens.

I wish to contact you personally for urgent assistance...see, before I contact you, I had suffered much trauma over my late father's accident while cleaning a live grenade with pin out, and after two years of therapy I was shamed into thinking that I was really a woman, like Caitlyn Jenner.  So I had all the *stuff* done to go from beta male to ceti alpha fauxmale.

Too late did I read that when Bruce Jenner became Caitlyn Jenner, he/she kept the tallywacker attached...just in case.

Hate when that happens, too.

I am in search of reliable person who will arrange for me to see a really good groinological sturgeon for the purpose of unremoving a penis.  Ray Jessop did a really snappy song about this on American Idol, and it made me want to be an Oscar Meyer instead of an Olivia NoDongjohn.

Though I did kinda like her in Geese when John Revolta got down on her.  She'd a been okay in whipped cream, too.

My currently life is very unbearable I am in pain and several pressure which is beyond my control since that grenade accident, followed by that suckass therapist that convinced me I could make $1000 a night as a fauxmale.  My five o'clock shadow, groinological scar and one still attached missed testy (cuz the sturgeon missed it) pretty much scotched that.  I am pleading with you to come and save me out from this mess that has been fall on me I need your maximum support to get to your country where there HAS to be a doctor who can unremove my penilogical heritage, even if it will have to be a substitute model from Hormel or Oscar Meyer.

1. To find me a quantifried sturgeon that specialize in groinologicals.

2. After it's done, you will locate a good leftard school for me where I'll be celebated as a hero on msnbc, along with painful rectal itch and hellary.

3. To hook me up with a good dating service where genitals with stitches aren't considered Halloween disguises.

As it stands, I am ready to offer you six goats, three pigs and a wildebeest named Wanda for your kind assistance,

Please all my communications with you should be through my private email address for confidential purposes; I don't want NOW to find out I want to change back, and The View's fount of wisdom -- Warthawg Goldbrick -- will make more fun of me than she does Donald Tramp, the guy that wears a pompadour on top of a stormtrumper helmet as a hair ball spewing cat in Bloom County, wherever that is.  

I will appreciate your urgent response through this my primate Email Address:

Thanks and don't tell Caitlyn about this either, 

Miss. Serah Ibrahim Coulibaly soon to be Bruce Jenner Coulibaly  
This didn't get me a  reply from the scammer, but I reckon it'll get me another *arrrrgh* from hellary's stupor volunteers...

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Friday, November 20, 2015

Inarticulate Scammer Meets Lyrical Edit

This scammer was definitely inarticulate; what little that 'she' wrote and sent me was in her email header, and was incomplete.  Take a gander (pun intended if you see what I just did there):

God bless you my dear, My name is Mrs. Agata Astor Williams from France and I am very sorry for the attachment, I am a 59 years old woman. I was    

And that's where her email ended.

But not any mores, as I gave my pet rock Seymour the day off and applied lyrics to the inarticulate original:

 On Thursday, October 29, 2015 11:29 AM, Agata Astor <> wrote: 
God bless you my dear even if you didn't sneeze just then.  My name is Mrs. Agata Astor Williams from France and I am very sorry for the elephant trunk sticking out of my crotch; it was a peculiar event when I was visiting Sea World in San Diego that brought that to be, and when it trumpets it really tests my sphincter and bowel control.  I am a 59 years old woman. I was walking down the street one day being pushed and shoved by people trying to beat the clock oh no oh no oh no no, I say...yes I say... that does anyone know what time it is..does anyone really care...if so I can't imagine why...we've all got time enough to suck a platypus.
And my crotch trunk started trumpeting the tune, causing a number of young folks to suddenly demonstrate break dancing skills by trying to remove hubcaps from moving cars.
Now I had a specified reason to write this email when I started, and then the Guess Who came on my camel-operated radio and I have no time for a gentle rain, no time for my watch and chain, no time for revolving doors...what the f**k are they singing about?
Or "well everyone's heard...about the bird...bird bird bird..bird bird's the word..."  Color me a WTF "HUH?"
Originally I think I was supposed to be telling you that I'm dying, I was married without kids, my late spouse was killed by an alligator gar on an escalator in Dearborn, and that now I have genital demeaning psoriasis that's spread to my face and armpits, and I have a dubiously antecedent financial deal to lay on you.  But Mrs. Brown, she has a lovely daughter...girls that look like her are something rare.  But it's sad...she doesn't love me now...she's made it clear enough that she's not a les-bian...
I don't think that's how that song goes but that's what my computer music translator said.  Guess I'll have to shoot the translator.
So since I have no really good reason to be writing you, I guess I'll pack this sh*t up and move to a tattoo removal parlour in Burundi and work on my genital origami or needlepoint or some kind of obscure sh*t like that.
Have a nice day and put $2 on Biscuit Humper in the '16 Kentucky Derby.

Agata Astor
Writer of "Dear Astor" in the Cladipus Licker,
Jacktroit MI, last looted in '14 and still needing more toilet paper so they can loot again.

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Tuesday, November 17, 2015

Time To Have Had Enough

The news from Paris, France, was horrific.  The "religion of peace" struck again, showing its peaceful inclinations by killing at least 129 and injuring hundreds more.  All innocent civilians at various locations around Paris.

France closed its borders and her leader said that France would act "mercilessly" against the perpetrators of this act:  islamofascists.

It's past time, and not for just France...Europe needs to take the bloody wakeup call from Paris and rise up in a body against the "religion of peace".  And do so with a ferocity the islamofascists will finally get loud and clear.

While America's so-called "leader" refuses to acknowledge Islamic terrorism, and a ragingly dishonest, ambitious and cackling former suckretary of state claims that Islamic terrorism is rooted in "climate change", plenty of more rational, reasoned Americans can cut through the talking points drivel and get it.

Hence, this symbol of solidarity with France.  I don't always agree with what France's take on things are; but after Friday, November 13,'s time to stand with them and fully support a righteous and wholly lethal response to islamofascism.

The free and Western world needs to be one with this.  Send the Islamic bastards to Hell, and do it emphatically.  The time for political correctness was never.  Send it back to a few sniveling college campuses and let the leftist whiners commiserate with it in a 'safe space'.

Or keep trying to appease a cancer, and prepare for more 9/11/01s and 11/13/15s across Europe and the West.


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Saturday, November 14, 2015

Collegiate Whackadoodleism

"Tolerate our intolerance or else!" is the latest craze to sweep leftard America on college campuses.  Ban everything that offends.  Tolerate the left's political correctness because they won't tolerate intolerance.

Or they'll throw a mondo fit to make a four year old envious.

After reading a snivelfest that was a Daily Beast post on protests and demands at Amherst, a leftist butt polyp of liberal nonsense in Massachusetts, my pet rock, Seymour, eagerly donned his *edit* hat and went to it:

AmNotherst Students Show Abject Stupidity With Protest of ‘Free Speech,’ Demand ‘Flogging’ for Offenders

Seymour PetRock – WTF News Soivice

Protests at AmNotherst – another leftist-infected former center of higher learning now in leftist accelerated decline – demanded that the school president apologize for signs that make any positive references to “First Amendment” “free speech” and “Hellary for Prison 2016”. Then they want her to find the offenders and teach them tolerance by flogging. This in response to the made up racial protests at Mizzou where leftist agitators made up racial tension to gut another alleged center of higher learning, bringing it down to a sub-10th grade comprehension level.

Students protesting at AmNotherst College have issued a list of demands to administrators that includes making them apologize for the extinction of the dinosaurs, the invention of bacon and toilet paper, and signs that delineate men's and women's restrooms.

A group calling themselves the AmNotherst Upchucking listed 11 demands they want enacted by next Wednesday. Among them is a demand that saving the whales is extended to forests where logging operations might endanger them.

Going further, the students demand the people behind "free speech" fliers be required to go through a disciplinary process of having to listen to 100 hours of Hellary's evil “cackle laugh” as well as “extensive training for becoming as abjectly stupid as we are.”

The protests at AmNotherst come on the heels of the fraudulence-based protests at the University of Missouri, Yale, and Claremont McKenna College. At Mizzou, officials resigned after criticism of how they failed to tattoo Che Guevera on their genitals. Students at a whiny league school, Ale, protested an email sent by a college administrator that asked a very small and sniveling minority of students what was wrong with Halloween and for them to show how it made them feel unsafe by touching a Chucky doll on its whackadoodle. And at Claremont McKenna, a class president resigned rather than face a one year sentence of having to listen to msnbc after appearing in a photo with two students dressed in ponchos and sombreros, truly a far more odious act than those committed by ISIS.

AmNotherst students also asked administrators to excuse them from any of the real purposes their parents spent years working and slaving to allow the uber sensitive students to attend AmNotherst – coursework and classes – so they could participate in whining, sniveling, kicking their widdow feet and throwing temper tantrums worthy of four year olds—and they want the school to warn everyone and anyone that adult-like, critical responses to the tantrums and childish protests will not be tolerated. “We demand tolerance of our intolerance or else!”

AmNotherst, in western Massachusetts, is considered one of the country’s top creators of dumbed down leftist morons. Nevertheless, the students say it’s not dumbed down or moronic enough yet.

President Martin must also apologize for “whites, Israel, tuna, Taiwan, the sands of time, cancellation of The Gong Show, the bloating of Michael Moore, Deflate-Gate, msnbc's sucky ratings, the Michael Bay movie Pearl Harbor, escaped emus, looted cities running out of toilet paper, Hellary Clinton's untrustworthiness, Occutards smelling worse than goats, peanut butter sandwich racism, Starbuck coffee cups, baphomet dildos, Donald Trump's hair, Melissa Harris Perry's tampon earrings., anti-sex-with-manatee-ism, and twatwaffleism,” the Upchucking says.

They also insist the president condemn the school, the city, the state and give it to Syrian ISIS infiltrators posing as refugees, to “assauge our years of guilt at having had others die to provide us with the cushy existence that so guiltifies us today because some college leftist professors say we should be guiltified”.

The college's FAQ pages says basically “WTF?”

The Upchucking goes on: “We demand that AmNotherst become a leader in the fight to dumb down speech and fight against common sense and reasoned arguments so that our own abject stupidity doesn't stand out so starkly when compared to more reasoned, rational people,” their statement reads. “Furthermore, we demand the College acknowledge that if a sheep is a ram and a donkey is an ass, a ram in the ass needn't be a goose if the goose doesn't get it.”

In keeping with the rest of their dyslogic, three students also started a fart marathon to protest global warming.  

It's probably a good thing that Seymour is not a university president; then again, protesters wouldn't find Seymour terribly moved by four year old tantrums.  Unless it's the pet rock throwing it.

"Do NOT!!!"


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Wednesday, November 11, 2015

ET Needs To Learn Crummy Core BEFORE Phoning Home

If there's anything about science that is settled, it's that Hank Johnson's fear of Guam tipping over is hellary meadow muffins.

Like the rest of science that the demoncraps consider to be 'settled' and is anything but.

Soon as democrap edubrats go out and create a new "standard" for mathematics and other things called Crummy Core -- and try to force feed it to the American education system -- science finds cause to regret the change.

Mathematical radio signals from deep space.  Signals that may not be from quasars, stars or other sources of cosmic noise.

Mathematical radio signals that might just be from....ET.

While this graphic might explain why ET has a long neck, it fails to explain what ET is mathematically telling us...if it's him.

Because he's not broadcasting in Crummy Core format.

Here's what scientists have to say about this current investigation, as told to you by Seymour PetRock:

Strange bursts of audio waves from Marie Barf have a pattern that can't be explained by known phenomenon.If aliens try to contact us with mathematical radio waves from deep space, it better use Crummy Core methods or it will baffle scientists.

By Seymour PetRock -- WTFNS

Are we being contacted by ET?
Astronomers and scientists aren't sure, because the mathematical communications coming in as deep space radio waves are not using Crummy Core formulas.  But they suspect that the waves could be being produced by some kind of technology – alien technology.
BUT...our current inability to decipher them is the problem.
Why can't our finest scientists and most advanced computers determine a reasonable answer?  The signals being received from whomever or whatever is sending them, is not sending them in the required Crummy Core format. And today's leftist controlled dumbed down edubrats find this rather mind-blowing, if not downright frightening.  'Cuz they're not controlling it.

Fart radio bursts

The signals have been given a name: fart radio bursts, or FRBs. They last just a few milliseconds to several seconds, and when audiblized, sound just like a whoopie cushion.

But it isn't the sound of the bursts that upsets scientists; it's the fact that whatever or whoever is sending these mathematical radio waves out, is NOT adhering to Crummy Core substandards. And that makes them unfathomable to Crummy Core adherents. Scientists also can't agree on the settled science of whether or not aliens have genitals; but they seem to agree that the signals come from very far away, possibly another galaxy entirely.

Or at least as far away as prankster hackers in Liechtenstein.

All of the bursts detected so far have dispersion measures that, when played for cows packed in an elevator, trigger reactions similar to humans in a packed elevator when someone farts. That's the mathematical regularity that is hard to shake off, even if the source is ignorant of the need to use Crummy Core substandards to communicate with Earth.

"If the pattern of mathematical farts is real, it is very, very hard to explain until or unless the originating source adopts Crummy Core formulas," said John Unlearned, an Occutard at the University of Hawaii in Manoa who once analyzed pickled pigs feet and found the face of Debbie Wasserpuss Schultz in one.

Other possibilities

There are a few known cosmic objects capable of reflecting back to Earth old radio and video signals radiated from Earth since both technologies came into being. That would explain why an observatory in Australia began receiving images of The Gong Show from the Andromeda Galaxy in 2005.
It's also possible that the signals are coming from something human, such as a hoax being perpetrated by the South Park creators, for use in a future episode. Since the bastards no longer kill Kenny for the most part, they needed a new schtick, and deep space is a great place to get one from, especially if it's the deep space between Cartman's ears.
Human sources can be difficult to rule out, when and if certain forms alleged to be human can be conclusively proved to be, which is not possible so far with Hellary Clinton.

The E.T. theory

If the radio bursts do turn out to be beacons from extraterrestrials, which is a possibility that can't be ruled out, then there are some exciting but scary scenarios to consider. The one from “Mars Attacks!” is one. In other words, any face-to-face encounter with an alien civilization may not end well for us, if they turn out to be assholes like the Syrian *refugees*.

Ultimately, scientists will need to send more Crummy Core training manuals out into very deep space so that alien contacts will know how they can't expect to effectively communicate with us, especially attempting to use abject crap like Crummy Core.

"There is something really interesting we need to understand: purple waffle hatted aliens that don't communicate in Crummy Core. This will be like trying to explain to Hank Johnson why Guam isn't likely to tip over," said Jen Psuki of the Instipoot for Subspace Radio Data Fart Analysis in Neukirchen-Vluyn, Germany. "When you set out to search for something new you might find one of your missing socks or something."   

I think my pet rock needs to take another road trip....

*Pet rock TOING*..."Hell YES!!!"


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Sunday, November 8, 2015

Ways To Git Certificates From Nigeria

The scammer....not so much.

For only $200, I coulda got me a "money laundering and anti-terrorism certificate", which would have cleared the way for me to get an ATM card from the IMF worth $7.3 or so million dollars.

Uh huh.

From Nigeria.

Uh huh.

Here's a piece of the original action, as sent my character(s) by Sean Hagan, an authentic Irish Nigerian:

This is to inform you that the international Monetary Fund (IMF) has today intercepted a debit card valued at US$7,306,515 (Seven Million, three hundred and six thousand, five hundred and fifteen United States Dollars) from Bank of America. It is to be placed ON-HOLD until you provide a money Laundering and Anti-terrorist Certficate. The card was sent by the Central Bank of Nigeria.We  have verified the card to be as a result of your UK National Lottery win. However, we would need a money laundery certificate and Anti-terrorist Certficate from Nigeria, indicating you are cleared of any money Laundery and terrorist Charges. It is to be obtained from the Federal High Court of Nigeria. We have also verified the card to be true and original. You are advised to contact the, Director of Legal Department, General Counsel Sean Hagan for the details on how to obtain your money Laundery and Anti-terrorist Clearance Certificate which will enable us release the card to you.  Sean Hagan’s email is ( ). 
NB: The certificate will cost you $200 to obtain from Nigeria. Email him and ask him how you can send him the $200 in Nigeria to obtain the certificate  
Yup.  Well, my character(s) didn't respond promptly or well to this, so I got an email that repeated the above, but entitled "Your Debit Card has been stopped". 
Uh huh.
I would submit that, after this edit, the debit card is more than stopped:

Your Debit Card has stopped breathing.
On Wednesday, August 5, 2015 12:31 AM, International Morontary Fungus <> wrote:

This is to inform you that the international Morontary Fungus (IMF) has today pronounced an ATM card in your name DAID.  Yup.  Corpsified.  No vital signs. 

It collapsed while trying to make it from the counterfeiter h'yar in Nigeria to the FedUp office in Lagos.  CPR was called for, but none of us knowd it.  An AED was called for, but all we had was IUDs from panned unparenthood and IEDs from isis.  *BUZZZZZZZZZZZZZZER*  We tried a prayer rug made from a land mine, but all that's doing is sending prophets through the ceiling.
An autopsy is pending, though we don't expect to learn much from it...if you'd seed the frawg we dissected in biology class, you'd know why.
So we thinkin' about making you another 'un, but is you is or is you ain't to git one depends on until you provide a money Laundering and Anti-terrorist Certficate.
Spencer's ain't got 'em so, don't even go there.  Same with Hallmark.
You has three options on gittin' you one of them thangs:  (a) you can pay me $200 and I'll forge you one; (b) you can pay me nothing and make up your own; (c) you can kiss my ass if you choose (b).
However, we would need a money laundery certificate and Anti-terrorist Certficate from Nigeria, because in our laundery we gots a mismatched pair of certificates, and we'd rather not go out in public wearing mismatched certificates.
 One way this can't be resolved is to be obtain it from the Federal High Court of Nigeria.  But they're all illiterate.  We have also verified the card to be true and originally a box top from a tampon box.   This might only matter on msnbc.
You are advised to contact the, Director of Legal Hookanooskery, General Counsel Sean Hagan -- yeah, we have Irish names in Nigerian email scams -- for the details on how to obtain your money Laundery and Anti-terrorist Clearance Certificate without you resorting to (b) so you won't have to kiss my ass.
It's unwashed, so you really don' wanna.
Sean Hagan’s email is ( ).  He also loves questions about his dubious antecedence. 

NB: The certificate will cost you $200 to obtain from Nigeria. Make your own is way cheaper and about as effective.  Email him and ask him to wash his ass if you're going to resort to (b).  

Spank you
International Morontary Fungus
Thus far, I've received no reply from the Irish Nigerian scammer or his dubious antecedents.  Spencer's is thinking about cashing in on them certificates, though...
Uh huh.

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Thursday, November 5, 2015

Get A Job

Not that the clown pictured h'yar can handle the one he's had via deceit since '09.  But I digress.

Anuddah Middle Eastern country has sent my character anuddah employment recruiting scam email.  It actually don't sound all that bad, save for the fact that it's in the Middle East, a good part of which King Putt (pictured h'yar) and his two idiot suckretaries of state have jacked up thanks to their misdysplomacy. for the fact that it's a scam.

Here's the ploy:

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Monday, November 2, 2015

Not Very Perswedish

Okay, so even as well read as I sometimes convince myself I am, I'm not up on Swedish billionairesses.

Just the scams that invoke them.

I responded to one of the shorter email scams I've received of late with a short reply that mixed headlines and "don't play well with others" apparently most effectively.

On this one that was all it took.

Now heretofore or any other time on the clock, I'd never before heard of Birgit Rausing.  That photo up thar -- while it came with the email -- isn't of her.  It's one of the Walton famdamily, from one of those scams.

No, the actual Birgit Rausing looks more like this h'yar:

In any event, some twatwaffle is invoking a Swede allegedly worth $13 BILLION to entice me with a scam that has one of the shorter opening salvos I've seen.  Here 'tis:.

You decide:

Beloved, my name is Birgit Rausing, 91 Years Old Widow. I am donating $3,500,000.00 to you as charity because of my ailment which is going to cut my life short soon. Kindly read about me on and email me (  

Hmmm.  Of COURSE some Swedish octogenarian plus is going to arbitrarily pick ME -- or rather my character -- out of BILLYUNS of souls from across the galactic planetary h'yar to give $3.5 million to.  'She' mighta thunk I needed the help supporting a pet rock that's older than her.

At any rate, my reply wasn't as short, but I rather suspect that the tone of it would be perhaps a bit off-putting to ol' Birgit, who can't even keep her age straight (the real one is 95 or so):

A most fascinating read...*yawn*  Did you really make all that money as a high priced hooker on Madison Avenue?  Wowzers.  You'd of really cleaned house if you'd waited to join the feminincompoop slut walk for embitterment they just held.  Mebbe you're not too late....BTW, at 91, I'd call semantics on your use of "cut your life short soon".  You might look into getting a better proofreader along with a better botox deliverer.  For a fee, I'm available for the former.  

Available I may be, but I abruptly lost my arbitrary selection for instant millionairehood:

f*** off  

Was that you or the horse you photo shopped in on?  

...I guess I'll have to reckon that it was the horse...


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Friday, October 30, 2015

More Illuminincompoops Try Their Luck

The more the various Nigerian Illuminincompoops try, the more they fail.

This latest one would try testing parachutes that open on impact, me thinks:

Are you a business man or an Artist, Politicians and you want to become big, Powerful and famous in the world, join us to become one of our official member today. you shall be given an ideal chance to visit
the Illuminati and his representative after registrations is completed
by you, no sacrifice, or human life needed, Illuminati cult brings
along wealth and famous in life, you have a full access to eradicate
poverty away from your life now. it only a member who is been
initiated into the church of Illuminati have the authority to bring
any member to the church, so before you contact anybody you must be
link by who is already a member, Join us today and realize your
dreams. we also help out our member in protection of drugs pushing,
once you become a member you will be rich and famous for the rest of
your life, Illuminati make their member happy,after initiation you
will be given the sum of 2 MILLION DOLLARS AND A HOUSE IN ANY PART OF

My pet rock, Seymour -- fresh from his road trip to West Virginia and ever ready to mess widda illuminincompoop -- edited it thus:

Are you a dung beetle, termite infested tree stump, or just an abject dumbass

from Nigeria or thereabouts and you want to become an even lower life twit
by joining us to become one of our official member today, and become one
of the biggest jokes in the world where average people laugh their asses off
at you and you are recognized as the intellectual equal to a goat turd.

To join our Illuminumbnuts arrrganization after registrations is completed
by you, you must sacrifice a herd of domestic animals chosen by us.
This will bring nothing good into your life, but it will bring us the
satisfaction to know that we've found another mugu dumbass out there
that we could sucker.  it only a member who is been initiated into the fouled
pants of Illuminumbnuts and uses a baphomet dildo that have the authority to bring
any member to the church, so before you contact anybody you must be
link by who is already a member in suck ass standing with genital warts.

Join us today and realize your biggest mistake in life was doing so! 
And it quickly became apparent that we not dealing with any ordinary illuminincompoop:  
that not what i write!  you take change by upset powers behind your comprehend! Nigerian illuminincompoop is like all Nigerian illuminincompoops.  And this is exactly what you write!   PHFFFFFFFT!  
no is not!  you are handed our temple for punishment!  you will see!  
Yes is too!!!  I PHFFFFFFFFFFFFFT on your temple and I PHFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT on you!  See THIS!
i warn you not again and you not write for forgive because it too late for you.  
You just guarantee that I write you in perpetuity, Poodle Lips.  I laughingly DEFY another Nigerian illuminincompoop FAIL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My pet rock, Seymour, was in his element (writing a lode) ("Did NOT!  PHFFFFFFFFT!"), and began pouring copies of every responded to scammer email possible into the account.
Until the emails began to *bounce*.
Which means that my pet rock lost his one (thousandth) and only (few thousand more yet to come) chance to become a Nigerian illuminincompoop.  While somewhere in Nigeria, an illuminincompoop temple is getting really frustrated that the more they try, the less effective they are at turning me, my characters OR my pet rock into a waffle iron...which, on the eve of Halloween, might be useful for a day or so...


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