Wednesday, August 24, 2016

Is You Daid?



Sometimes, they think you're DAID.

The scammers, that is.

Mighty inconvenient for them, iffen you is.

But another kind of inconvenience can creep into their scam ploy when you ain't...but play like you is.

Here's an example from Zenith Bank (snerx) in Benin:

My name is Larry JohnI am the manager of ATM department in Zenith Bank 
plc Benin republic, am here to inform you that a man came to our office this morning his name is Mr. Ben Clopper he told us that he is your brother from your  country U.S.A he said that you are dead. Mr. Ben Clopper said that you die two months ago in a car accident on your way  going to work and before your death you told him that you have an ATM CARD worth  of
$1.5 million dollars and he  came here with $145 dollars the activation fee  of the ATM card to activate the ATM card and collect it.

If real you are dead may your soul rest in perfect peace AMEN, but if you are  alive please due call me on this phone number ( +229 67206750) and get back to  me with the $145 dollars activation fee today okay. If I did not hear from you  today with the activation fee then I will collect the $145 dollars activation fee from Mr. Ben Clopper and hand the ATM card over to him okay. Below is the information to send the $145 dollars activation fee via western 
union money transfer.

Receiver Name ….. James  Johnson
Country ….. Benin Republic
City ….. Port-Novo
Text Question ….. Yes
Text Answer ….. Yes
Amount ….. $145 usd
MTCN …..
Sender Name …..
Sender Country …..
Do have a wonderful day if you are alive but if you are dead may your soul rest
in peace (AMEN)
Yours Faithfully
Mr. Larry John.
Director Swift ATM Credit Card/ Telex Dept.
Zenith Bank Plc Benin Republic  


I love how they bade me a wonderful day if alive but if I am dead may my soul rest in peace (AMEN).

Mebbe they ready for this reply...mebbe they not:

No, Ben Clopper is absolutely correct.  I died some time ago.  It is fortunate...most fortunate..that I was able to establish this contact mode via the ITC astral bridge link so as to respond to this email in a timely manure; more often than not, the ITC astral bridge link fails when contaminants to the free flow of communication between the afterworld and the physical realm are present, such as persons with dubious and odious intent in their communications for example...But yes, you are authorized to allow Ben Clopper access to the account funds.
Myra Manes,
benefactor and late relative of Ben Clopper
It was awfully nice of Wiley Coyote to stand in for Myra Manes in an illustrative manure here.
 
Especially at THAT particular moment.
 
But back to Zenith Bank in Benin, and their response to finding out that my character, while able to communicate approval of the scammer's made-up character having the fauxaccount, is in fact daid:
 
what is going on?  Are you dead or not?   (is this idiot serious?)

Deader than a can of corned beef.  How about you?  

we are serious bank we have no time for jokes.  

You want to deal with me, you'll MAKE time for them.  Did you hear the one about the skeleton that clatters into a bar and orders a beer and a mop? 

Them fellers musta heard that one before...they didn't want to speak with the dead no mores.

And I had so many more jokes to tell...
 

Labels: , , , ,

Sunday, August 21, 2016

He Wouldn't Kidney, Would He?

Yep, he would.

I'd like you to meet the doctor who made an unsolicited offer to one of my characters -- well, actually three of them -- to give them 500,000 Great British Pound sterling in exchange for one of their kidneys.

Yup...he did.

As it developed, Dr. Nigel Basheer would kidney about that.

*rimshot*

He just wasn't up to the operation, as engaged in by character Jack N. Ewehoff:

Yeah, dat be Jack (not really, but for this scambait, it woiks).

Anyway, Dr. Nigel Basheer began this curious episode as follows:


SELL A KIDNEY. SAVE A LIFE AND MAKE MONEY.
Do you want to sell your kidney to save a life? 
Are you seeking for an opportunity to sell your kidney at a good price?
Here is an opportunity for you to sell for 500,000 pounds.
Interested sellers should contact DR. NIGEL BASHEER, a Nephrologist and consultant surgeon at ST. MARY'S HOSPITAL. For more information contact us via Email: stmaryskidneytransplantcentre@gmail.com  
 
 
Okaaaaaaaaay.  My character simply had to know more:
 
 
You wouldn't kidney would you?  I might be interested.  Tell me more.  
 
 
It quickly develops that Dr. Basheer might be a surgeon of modest renown -- and hellary might tell the truth once in a billion years -- but he is not gifted at digesting the written word when sent to him:
 
 
Thanks for your mail, You are welcome to St. Mary's Hospital, Here you will get the maximum satisfaction you need and your satisfaction is our priority. I also want to use this opportunity to introduce myself, My name is DR. NIGEL BASHEER, I am one of the representative Doctor of the above specialist hospital, here we are specialized in kidney transplantation and treatment of all manner of sickness and diseases. I want you to know that you are in the right place where you can sell your kidney okay. We give you our uppermost assurance that you will not be avoided by taking a bold step to your offer to save this poor man. But firstly before we can proceed further you have to provide your personal information and you are to make sure that the personal details is filled appropriate and correctly.

PERSONAL DETAILS NEEDED
full names:
Age:
Sex:
Date of Birth:
Telephone Number:
Profession/ Occupation:
Language:
Monthly Income:
Relationship:
Reason for selling:
Blood Group:
Genotype:
Country:
State:
Email Address:
Next of Kin:
We hope to hear from you as soon as you received this mail.
Best Regards …
DR, NIGEL BASHEER  
 

So I have my character fill out the application and return it thus:
 
 
PERSONAL DETAILS NEEDED
full names:                                           Jack N. Ewehoff
Age:                                                       45
Sex:                                                       Love it
Date of Birth:                                      12-31-80
Telephone Number:                          303-***-****
Profession/ Occupation:                   analyst
Language:                                            1
Monthly Income:                               not saying
Relationship:                                      yes
Reason for selling:                            offering price
Blood Group:                                     O positive
Genotype:                                          male that types 35 wpm
Country:                                             USA
State:                                                  CO
Email Address:                                  jacknewehoff101@hotmail.com
Next of Kin:                                       n/a

Of course, my character neglected to enclose his ID card.  Dr. Basheer does note that:
 
 
Thanks for your mail Mr Jack, We got your mail and the details of your personal information was well understood and noted. This is to certify that Dr. Nigel Basheer the representative doctor of St. Mary's Hospital here by gives the patient the full confidence and trust on us because we are here to make sure that your satisfaction is our priority. The Patient is to be rest assured and guaranteed that he/she has nothing to be scared of during this transaction because all necessary documentations are in order, in accordance with the transplant policy of act 21 of the Decree 2005 Constitution. You are to study the below terms and conditions properly before we can further ahead okay.
TERMS AND CONDITIONS INCURRED
1: The patient is to ensure that he/she is qualified to sell his/her Kidney to avoid any form of acquisition during the operation.
2: The patient must be above the age of 18 years and any age below would be disallowed from the offer.
3: The patient must be a legal citizen of his/her country.
4: The patient is to ensure that he/she does not have any form of business habit on smoking hard drugs (cocaine, marijuana, etc) .
5: The patient must keep to our terms and conditions to ensure that the transaction is done swiftly.
6: The surgery will hold in the patient's preferred location and all the surgery, travel and other cost will be paid and made by us.
7: failure to complete the transaction will lead to the court of law.
8: To all patients: The patient must be duly register with the NKF (National
Kidney Federation) before any further commitment to the operation can begin. 
9: The patient will ensure that he/she has a next of kin.
10. The hospital management are willing to buy the kidney with the sum total of
500,000 pounds which half of the money will be transferred to the bank account which he will be providing for this deal after the registration by the NKF.
11: Transfer of patient money to his/her bank: Half of the money will be paid first to the patient before the operation on him/her will commence after which the balance will be paid after the completion of the operation.
12: The patient will have to register with the national kidney federation with the sum of 100 pounds before the travel document will be sent to the patient also half of the money will be transferred to the patient bank account. 

NOTE: You have to send us a scanned copy of your legal identity card so that we may know and identify who we are dealing with and you are required get back to us immediately if you are in agreement with it. Considering the above conditions if they are acceptable to you, you have to give us a fast response so that we can assign the account department to begin the preparation on your half payment.  
 
 
Jack, of course, is reluctant to send them an ID.  So he sends the following:
 
 
I find no significant issues or gesundheits with the terms and conditions.  I am, you will understand, a bit reluctant to place my ID out there on the internet and send it to you; identity theft being what it is and all.  Is there another way of authentication?  Say via hermetically sealed stool sample or something?  
 
 
And Dr. Basheer proves beyond all doubt that he is functionally illiterate:
 
 
Thanks for accepting our terms and conditions,
Please can we chat or call on whatsapp? this is our whatsapp number +2348153656464. Plaese add us up so that we can have an easy and fast communication.
you can identify yourself with any means, maybe passport photograph(small photo size) if you are not comfortable in sharing your legal identity card online.
Awaiting your message on whatsapp,
Thanks.

So since he just wants a photo, my character sends him the one earlier posted along with this reply:
 
 
What is wazzup?  I'm not playing that porkymon whoa game, if that's what you're referring to.  So, what comes first...I get paid, or I donate the oregon?  Where IS St. Mary's Hospital, anyway?  And here's my photo from my ID  
 
 
This gets a great response from Dr. Basheer, along with photo authentication:
 
 
Thanks for the identity card, 
what you have to do next is to look for any of the NKF office close to you and do your registration so that you will be eligible to donate or sell your kidney. Please go with your identity card, bank account details, permanent home address, next of kin name and phone number along with the 100 pounds registration fee. once you are done with the NKF registration, we will alert the account department to approve your half payment immediately.
Note: We are from UK  but we are presently in the Nigeria because of this particular patient in our branch hospital in Nigeria and current policy imposed by the English government which has to stop the sales of kidney in UK, due to that policy, the hospital management has decided to open new branches in less developing countries like Nigeria, Ghana, Mexico, Peru, Pakistan and Poland where the sales of kidney are legally accepted..
Attached below is my hospital license and my medical identity card for you to sure and have confidence on us that you are on the right hand.
Thanks  
 
 
(click on it to enlarge it; it's definitely worth the read..)
 
 
My character is impressed but not sure how to proceed:
 
 
Is there an NKF Office in the US?  I live in Colorado.  Is there an office like that in Colorado?  If not, how far do I and my kidney have to travel to complete the registration?  
 
 
Now we start to get to the 'rat killing':
 
 
Thanks for your response, The National Kidney Federation office is not in USA but only in UK with the following office address.
The National Kidney Federation
The Point,
Coach Road,
Shireoaks,
Worksop,
Notts S81 8BW, United Kingdom.
They are worldly recognized as the best organisation supporting the sales of kidney and other human organs to rescue lives of other people and every donors are instructed to register with them before the approval of their half payment and the transplantation.

what you have to do now is to go the NKF office in UK and do your registration so that you will be eligible to donate or sell your kidney. Please go with your identity card, bank account details, permanent home address, next of kin name and phone number along with the 100 pounds registration fee. once you are done with the NKF registration, we will take your registration certificate to the account department to approve your half payment immediately.

Alternatively, you can as well send the information require for the registration to us so that i will tell my boss to assist you in doing the registration in their UK office. My boss is currently preparing a list of donors he is taking to Uk for registration. If you are ready please us the information along with the registration fee so that i will add your name to the list.

Thanks for your understanding,
Awaiting your quick response.  


My character finds a use for an old faux account offered to him by a scammer a few years ago:
 
Having reconciled myself to the dicholostomy of having my kidneys forever separated, here is the informations you request:
Jack N. Ewehoff
Bank Account Details:   Bank of America, Account **********, Routing *********, Swift Code BOFAUS6SINQ, permanent home address *** ******* Street Central City CO 80427, no next of kin, fauxn 303-***-****.  How am I to send the 100 pounds?  
 
And finally...we get to how "Dr. Basheer" and his colleagues intend to scam Jack of 100 pound sterling:

thanks for the informations.
Your informations has been and noted what is just left now is the 100 pounds registration fee. please  send the 100 pounds to my secretary through moneyGram or western union transfer with his following payment details.

SECRETARY'S PAYMENT DETAILS:
Receiver's Name: Emhonavaunure Silas
Receiver's Country: Nigeria
Receiver's State: Lagos  State
Text Question: What is my name?
Text Answer: Silas
Please endeavor to send him the payment slip or the MTCN after making the payment through  money gram  or western union

Awaiting the payment slip.
Thanks.  
 
 
After all the unique approach...it comes down to the same old "wire me money" and the scam is complete.
 
So he thinks.
 
Now it's time for a little *Jeopardy Theme* whilst we test his patience (since his reading acumen is already *BUZZZER*..FAIL..FAIL...FAIL):
 
 
I will take care of this moiquetish.  
 
 
I do not understand what you said.  Have you sent the money?  If so, my secretary requires a copy of the pay slip or MTCN soonest.  Time is not on our side.  
 
 
I will take care of this moiquetish.  


Good day,
Please check our conversation in my formal mail, it was boldly explained there why we are currently in our Nigeria branch hospital.  I still do not understand moiquetish so please read what this says and act on it soonest please.
 
"Note: We are from UK  but we are presently in the Nigeria because of this particular patient in our branch hospital in Nigeria and the current policy imposed by the English government which has to stop the sales of kidney in UK, due to that policy, the hospital management has decided to open new branches in less developing countries like Nigeria, Ghana, Mexico, Peru, Pakistan and Poland where the sales of kidney are legally accepted".
But my boss do go to UK every weekend for donors registration, that was the reason why you were advised to please  send the 100 pounds to the secretary through moneyGram or western union transfer with his following payment details.

SECRETARY'S PAYMENT DETAILS:
Receiver's Name: Emhonavaunure Silas
Receiver's Country: Nigeria
Receiver's State: Lagos  State
Text Question: What is my name?
Text Answer: Silas
Please endeavor to send him the payment slip or the MTCN after making the payment through  money gram  or western union 

Awaiting the payment slip.
Thanks.  
 
I guess that explains it about as well as you're able, Doc.  Moiquetish is a term used by people from Liechtenstein when they have abdominal cramps.  It might have made it into this conversation in a non sequitur way.  At any rate, thanks for explaining the explanation for the Nigerian shift.  I will now set about seeing to your request.
 
 
OK thanks for your understanding, please try to hasting up the registration process so that we can rescue the life of the recipient. he is actually in a critical condition.  Try and make the payment tomorrow so that we can we can finish the registration on time and take your registration certificate to the account department to approve your half payment immediately.
Thanks.  
 
 
That's all well and good, Doc, but if the patient is critical, where's the expedience in getting my kidney to them with haste and soonest?  How is this to be done?  I don't have a self-removal kit and I've never played a doctor on TV so what technique is to be applied?
 
 
You do not need to spend money in the course of the transplant, my hospital is responsible for all other cost, my hospital will make all the necessary arrangement to bring the patient to the surgery location and also provide your means of transportation to the hospital where the transplant will be carried out.
All you need to do now is to obtain your NKF registration certificate by sending the 100 POUNDS registration fee to the hospital secretary so that he will add your name to the list my boss is currently preparing for registration in uk.  please  send the 100 pounds to the secretary through moneyGram or western union transfer with his following payment details.

SECRETARY'S PAYMENT DETAILS:
Receiver's Name: Emhonavaunure Silas
Receiver's Country: Nigeria
Receiver's State: Lagos  State
Text Question: What is my name?
Text Answer: Silas
Please endeavor to send him the payment slip or the MTCN after making the payment through  money gram  or western union 

Awaiting the payment slip.
Thanks.  
 
 
Okay, that clarifies things like mud in the sun.  I will endeavor to get this handled by early in the new week.  Patience is a virtue and having a kidney donated makes me a patientce, I think.
 
 

Yes but you are the donor why the recipient is the patient. though on the other way you are both patients.  Please we are expecting to start the registration process by tomorrow, try and send your registration fee tomorrow so that we can proceed immediately.

Thanks.

Hey...if you're going to pay me 500,000 pound sterling for one kidney, do I get 1 million pound sterling for both kidneys?  And would that cost me 200 pound sterling to sign up for?    

 Now, you'd think that offering up both kidneys would catch the 'medically impossible' attention of a doctor, right?  Wellllll:


The both kidney will earn you 1000000 British pounds ( one million pounds) and the registration fee will be 400 British pounds because we will have to obtain two nkf certificates to carry out the two operations.  Please try and make the payment today via western union or moneyGram with the following secretary's payment details below:
 

SECRETARY'S PAYMENT DETAILS:
Receiver's Name: Emhonavaunure Silas
Receiver's Country: Nigeria
Receiver's State: Lagos  State
Text Question: What is my name?
Text Answer: Silas
Please endeavor to send him the payment slip or the MTCN after making the payment through  money gram  or western union 

Awaiting the payment slip.
Thanks.  

  

400 pounds???  Why is it four times as much to donate both kidneys?  Are you sure you're not overcharging me here?  I mean, look at the gift I am offering.

For perhaps one of the first times, Dr. Basheer momentarily seems like he's kinda sorta reading my character's responses...kinda sorta:


Sorry did you mean you as an individual wants to sell two kidneys? i think i misunderstood your question.
I thought you are asking of two persons registration certificate to sell both kidneys? 
Please make your question clearer to me for better understanding
Awaiting for your response,
 
 
Perhaps you did.  I was asking if I..me...volunteered two kidneys, would I get 1 million pounds and would it cost me 200 pounds or 400 pounds?  I must consider the long term economics in addition to the long term physical issues here.  Besides, my folks always told me that volunteerism is akin to many other isms.   Let me know the actual cost to donate both and how quickly you can pay me for my generosity.  I need to know what arrangements I'll need to make.
 
 ..or maybe kinda sorta not:


Thanks for your quick response,
I am very sorry for the misunderstanding, you are only require to pay 200 pounds for the nkf registration fee not 400 pounds and your total compensated amount for the both Kidneys will be (1000000 British pounds). 
The registration process will takes up to 3 working days before the registration certificates will be out. Once the registration certificates are out we will take it to the account department to approve your half payment of (500,000 British pounds) immediately, while the remaining half payment (500,000 British pounds) will be paid just before the surgery commence. Possibly under 4 working days you will receive your registration certificates and your payment.
 
Please all you need to do now is to send all the information require for the NKF registration to the secretary. The information require are your identity card or a small size of your picture, bank account details, permanent home address, next of kin name and phone number along with the 200 pounds registration fee. once you are done with the NKF registration, we will alert the account department to approve your half payment immediately.
Please try and send the registration fee via western union or moneyGram with the following secretary's payment details below: 


SECRETARY'S PAYMENT DETAILS:
Receiver's Name: Emhonavaunure Silas
Receiver's Country: Nigeria
Receiver's State: Lagos  State
Text Question: What is my name?
Text Answer: Silas
Please endeavor to send him the payment slip or the MTCN after making the payment through  money gram  or western union 


Awaiting your response   

  
I guess my 200 pound fee is more important than medical facts to the doctor...time to start the *Jeopardy* clock:
 
 
It's good to know it will only cost me 200 pounds and life.    I was worried there for a minute.  I will attend to this within the next 36 hours.  In an age of so much malpractice, it's good to know that I'm dealing with professionals at it.  
 


Thanks for your quick response,
If its ready please try and send the fee via western union or moneyGram with the following secretary's payment details I already send.


So it's 'The Day'.  After all we've been through, tell me what do you think he'll do when he gets this with the following instructions:

 
 
 Okay...I know a local attendant at the Western Union near where Silas is.  Tell him to print this picture and take it to the Western Union, asking for Whacking Ewehoff (he'll know that's a specially arranged code with me).  Silas will show him this picture; Whacking will ask "what's this?"...Silas will respond "a henway".  Whacking will then ask "what's a henway?" and Silas will respond "200 pounds".  Whacking will pay him and we can get to the misappropriation of my kidneys for the betterment of just dropping in, to see what condition their condition was in.  Personally, I'm dying to see this fulfillment.  How about you?  

Repeatedly throughout this scambait, whoever is playing Dr. Nigel Basheer -- and his/her/its handlers -- have demonstrated a patented lack of understanding of the written word.  BUT...with the employment of the used-before henway maneuver, whoever it is on the scam end of this episode finally lets me know that they figured out what they were being told right along by my character, and lets me know it clearly and succinctly:
 
 
you asshole  
 
 
What, didn't you go to the right Western Union?  My contact there is still waiting for you.  
 
 
Alas, nothing but *crickets* from Dr. Nigel Basheer.  He wouldn't kidney, would he?  I would...
 

 

Labels: , , ,

Thursday, August 18, 2016

Cripes

Had to laugh...I have met an online scammer who thinks he's Bill Murray in Stripes. 

Not only is he not near as funny, he ain't remotely what he claims to be.  Warren Oates would have eaten him for a snack.

And if he thought my first reply was insulting, he was probably off to seek his 'safe space' after my second response.

R. Lee Ermey might almost have been proud.  Might almost.

Here's this panty waste's initial salvo...100 right and lots long:


I am Sgt Adams John , I have a Secured Monetary deal for you and it's legitimate, 25,000,000,00 USD please for more information contact my private email: sgtadamsjohn444@gmail.com  Sgt Adams John  


I get scam offers like this from 'members' of the US Armed Forces all the time.  None of which come from actual members of the US Armed Forces.  The way most of them are written, it looks more like from a semi-literate Occutard trying to scam under the guise from one of their drum circles or their parent's garage.

At any rate, here's the initial reply I sent that seems to have gotten the lad's panties in a bunch:


I cannot find you in the US Army current duty roster listing at DOD.gov.   I find this suspect.  Besides, why does a sergeant have a private's email?  Explain that.
 
 
Not that there IS such a listing that a civilian schlock like me could access (unless it was stored on Hellary's server), but that was my reply.  And that got this uber touchy, fauxindignance reply: 
 
First of all,I must let you know regarding this as scam,would be rather insulting to me, I tell you that being a part of this transaction is at your free will and acceptance, you have the choice to accept or refuse. 
I will not tolerate any direct or indirect insults from you for any reason whatsoever, I have my dignity to live up to, perhaps you need to earn the respect and trust which I have for you, otherwise what will be the point of doing business with you if at this early stage you are finding it difficult to trust me, or at least give me benefit of the doubt.  You need to forward me the needed details.
If you wish to execute this project with me that you should be able to take my word for it,
Sgt John   
 
 
After that, even my pet rock, Seymour, wanted to reply to this yutz.  So after a calming cup of coffee and a moment to marshal my own dignity (and tell it to sit this round out), I replied thus:
 
So, you took my reply as insulting to you?  Really?
That's nice.  It at least proves -- unlike so many of your goat poking egg sucking peers and colleagues operating out of your fly infested internet café -- that you are somewhat literate.  As for your tolerance or lack thereof to whatever I reply to you, here's the deal, Punky Brewster:  you contacted me.  Not the other way around.  You want to invite me into this, you'll f**king take what I send you about this.  Getting your panties in a wad and saying "you won't tolerate anything" rings 100% hollow, K Ration Lips.  I don't see that you've got the dignity of a door knob, otherwise I wouldn't have heard from you.  So knock off the faked "indignance" sh*t and get to the deal you've cooked up or you can take your nonsense and dignity and shove both up your candy ass sideways.
That should be clear enough even for you, Sarge.  You can take my word on that.  Your move.


After that, the 'sarge' wanted no further repartee with me.  And that's the fact, Jack.

My pet rock always said I was a prick.

"Did N..er...so!"

Labels: , ,

Monday, August 15, 2016

Speechless in Switzerland

This may well be Bernie Chrisa, whom and wherever he/she/it is.

Why is Bernie likely doing this?  Wahl...he sent my character this:


I am an external auditor for a bank in Switzerland, which has its main branch in United States of America. I am sending you this financial proposal not under my official capacity but on a personal level which explains why I cannot disclose the details of our bank until I confirm your interest to work with me. I got your contact information from your country’s email database.

In the course of a routine audit which I supervised lately, I discovered some investment accounts that have been dormant for some years. Most of the investment accounts belong to single beneficiaries, unlike the corporate ones belonging to very few establishments. Amongst these accounts, there is a particular one that stands out for me which has a huge amount of money. No activity has been carried out on this account since the year 1998. In our book, that is classified as a dormant account.
After discreet investigation through an heir hunter, I found out that the account owner  had passed away in 1998, which is the year the account was last operated. Based on records, he died intestate (registered no one as his next of kin), which explains why no one has come forward for claim. Having been thinking on how to deal with this situation in a way that would benefit me instead of reporting it to the senior management of the bank; I resolved that the safest option is to involve any foreigner that would work with me discreetly.
Now here is my proposal, I would under a special arrangement with you, disclose more information and then guide you on how to apply to the bank to get them transfer  his estates to you. But you would be expected to provide necessary documents to authenticate your claim in this regards.
I can give you all necessities, and present you through a lawyer to the bank, as the living maternal next of kin to the late investor; I will issue you with all relevant documents to substantiate your claim, as I have all copies that will be authenticated by the lawyer. I will guide you on how to make the needed preliminary application for claim. I can assure you that, as long as you keep this matter confidential to yourself, you would not be exposed to any risk, as I intend to execute this under a secured arrangement that will protect you from any breach of the law. Subject to percentages, I am willing to give you 35% of the total sum after the transaction has been completed.
Please contact me on my personal email address ( berniechris02@gmail.com ) for more details if interested and I will issue you with my full contact details. However, if this proposition offends you, please accept my apology.
Yours truly Bernie Chris  
 
 
Yup.  That's what he sent.  But here's what he got back...he and 50 plus of his colleagus and pals in fly infested internet cafes from here to Lagos:
 
 
Good-day sunshine...good day sunshine...good day sunshine,
it is to laugh...when the sun is blort.
Emich schiesse undt hundsfott ist snort.

 
I am an external auditor for a bank in Switchzerland, which has decided to join the UK and other countries in leaving the EU via a campaign to get country voters to support that exit.  Our campaign is knowd as Switchzerland.  We know that Liechtenstein's like campaign is Liechtendecline; Hungary's campaign is Shungary; Transylvania's campaign is Cancelvania; the rest of Romania is debating between Remainia and Removala.  Spain has adopted Refrain; Finnland's is Finnished; Norway's is Noways and Sweden's is Swedeyalater.  It's catching on.  I am sending you this information not under my official capacity but on a personal level which explains why I cannot disclose the details of why I started this with a Beatles song until I confirm your interest to work with me. I got your contact information from an online guest book database as well as from an old seer who reads tea leaves in lieu of the Zurich Evening Post for hot stock tips.
 
In the course of a routine audit which I supervised during a bout of excruciating anus cramps, I discovered some forms of incest being acceptable where hillbillys live according to the DNC that have been dishonest for some years.
 
I found all of it in a Wikileaks dump from Hellary's unprotected email server from her basement.  Most of the information about classified shit I could have cared less about; the details of her cookie recipes that she shared with Chelsea and Monica Lewinsky were what I was after, unlike the Russkies and the Chinks who wanted the classified stuff. Amongst these accounts, there is a particular one that stands out for me which has a huge amount of references to twatwaffles.  And now I have twatwaffles on the brain.
 
After discreet investigation through an antique tampon hunter, I found out that the owner had passed away in 1798, which is the year the first antique tampon was referenced in Genital Times first published in 1798 by Ben Franklin's cat.  Based on records, he died after a terminal hairball explosion (no witnesses or survivors listed), which explains to most reasonable peoples why no one has come forward for claim. Having been thinking on how to deal with this situation in a way that would benefit me instead of reporting it to the EPA or OSHA, I realized that neither are here in Switchzerland; I resolved that the safest option is to involve any dupable foreigner that would work with me discreetly.
Now here is my proposal:  I want to marry any virgin goat you may have or know of.  I would under a special arrangement with you, disclose more information and then guide you on how to deceive the goat's owners on what I plan for it on the honeymoon night.  But you would be expected to provide necessary cover for me on this.
 
I can give you all necessities, and present you through a lawyer to whomsoever a presentation must be made, as the living maternal next of kin to the late owner of the antique collection of tampons and caretaker of virgin goats; I will issue you with all relevant documents to substantiate your claim to the judges on America's Got Talent, as I have all copies that will be authenticated by the lawyer when he sobers up from the latest binge he's been on the past six months. I will guide you on how to make the needed preliminary application for claim without looking like a complete nincompoop; I have about 51% of that worked out.  I can assure you that, as long as you keep this matter confidential, you would not be exposed to any Congressional hearings wherein Muslim members will demand to know your source of virgin goats.
 
Please contact me on my personal email address ( berniechris02@gmail.com ) for more details if interested and I will issue you with my full contact details. However, if this proposition offends you, please pound sand up your ass and give this email to the next 50 people you meet.
Bernie Chris,
berniechris02@gmail.com   


Yup...they be speechless in Switzerland...

Labels: , , ,

Friday, August 12, 2016

Pissing Off 'Interpol'

When you get an email with this logo at the top, you just KNOW it has to be legit, right?

I mean, everyone KNOWS that Interpol works in conjunction with the UK Lottery to get cheques distributed to the scammed of the world.

Not.

Since the FauxBI has been failing to scam my character, now Interpol is gonna try.  Witness their ploy:


NATIONAL LOTTERY COMPENSATION FUNDS
 

We wish to inform you that it has come to our notice that you won the National UK Lottery but did not claim it when due. We also found out that you have been scammed by Nigerian scammers. We regret to tell you that we are doing our best to arrest these scammers and we will keep ou updated as to when arrests have been made. If you are in communication with any Nigerian, please stop it now or we would have you arrested. Sending money to Nigerian scammers is a criminal offence. You are being compensated by the National Lottery to the sum of GBP1million (One Million British Pounds Sterling). Your cheque has been drawn and it to be moved to Royal Mail for onward delivery to you. You are to send US$300 only for delivery of the cheque. We would be monitoring the situation with Royal Mail.

If you are in contact with any Nigerian claiming to pay you any money, please stop now. They are scammers and impersonators and will only get you into further trouble.

To avoid delay, I have taken the liberty to find out from Royal Mail how you could send the $300 to them and they gave me the details below

Payments are to be made via MONEYGRAM ONLY . The payment should be made in the name below

Name: Jane Waremba
Address: 25 Marylebone Street, London, SE13, 6TS, United Kingdom..
Amount: 200pounds (USD$300)


Scan and send the moneygram transfer slip/receipt via email to me. If you do not have a scanner, email the following information: 

1. Name and Address of Sender
2. 8 digits for moneygram
3. Test Question and Answer, if any.


I am here to ensure you get the cheque as soon as you make paymnet. Delivery of cheque will take three days after you send the US$300.
Contact me via my private email ( mireillebballestrazzi@yahoo.com )
 

Mireille Ballestrazzi
President of INTERPOL
INTERPOL  
 
I love the touch about how my character could be arrested if he sent money to Nigerians; I'll have to tell my next Nigerian scammer about that.
 
Meantime, an edit was due, along with an edit of the President of Interpol:
 
 
NATIONAL BAILING OUT OF EU CONSTIPATION ACT 

We wish to inform you that it has come to our notice that you have taked note of the UK leaving the EU and the acronyms that this may has occasioned you to use, including the universal WTF which are one that we really don't like you using, so don't use it.  We also found out that you have not yet been scammed by Nigerian scammers. We regret to tell you that we are tasked to see that you are moved from the "not scammed" list to the "scammed" list and will be doing our best to achieves that. If you are in communication with any Nigerian, Liberian, Beninan, Ivory Coastian, Botswanan, Burundan, Senegalese, Upper Voltan, Ghanan, walk like an Egyptian, Sudanian, Ethidopian, or any other possible ian of dubious antecedence, please don't stop it now or we would have you arrested. Not sending money to Nigerian and other scammers is a criminal offence punishable by incarceration and having to listen to hellary shriek and cackle on a 214/7 msnbc/cnn loop. You are being monitored by Royal Mail for onward progress toward your being scammed. You are to send US $300 so that we may cross you off one list and add you to others. We would be monitoring the situation with Royal Mail.

If you are in contact with any Nigerian claiming all sorts of simple to exotic shit, please don't stop now. They are scammers and impersonators just trying to make a living and you offend them when you don't fall for their various and assorted schticks, and if we have to give your name to assorted American college campuses for being insensitive, this will only get you into further trouble.

To avoid delay, I have taken the liberty to find out from Royal Mail how you could send the $300 to satisfy our demands and they gave me the details below

Payments are to be made via MONKEYGLAM ONLY . The payment should be made in the name below

Name: Jane Waremba
Address: 25 Marylebone Street, London, SE13, 6TS, United Kingdom..
Amount: 200 pounds (though she weighs a shitload more than that) and USD equivalent is $300

Scam and send the monkeyglam transgender slip/kilt via email to me. If you do not have a scammer, email the following information to me because I am here to be that which you ain't gots:   

1. Name and what you're wearing (Address, pants, sweats, nothing at all)
2. 18 digits for monkeyglam
3. Testicle Question and Answer, if any.

I am here to ensure you get moved from the "not scammed" list to the "scammed" list soonest that you make paymnet. If you don't want be arrested you do this soonest to send the US $300.
Contact me via my primate email ( mireillebballestrazzi@yahoo.com ) 

Mireille Ballestrazzi
 

 
President of INTER...hey...WTF just happened to ME?????  I didn't have TEETH in the other picture!!!!!!!!!
DANG YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
    DAMMIT...THAT'S NOT ME EITHER!!!!!!  MOMMY, MAKE THEM STOP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
     
     
     
     
     
     

     AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  YOU ARE GONNA BE SO ARRESTED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
     
    After that, fauxInterpol don't like me no mores than the FauxBI does.  No mores has speaks widdem.  This must prove my arrested development.  Still, since I intended no harm, I get a pass just like Hellary, right?
 

Labels: ,