Wednesday, January 28, 2015

Anuddah Oh Whoops

My pet rock, Seymour, absolutely positively loves it when the lamestream servile mediocres lay a national egg on a story.

Like Snowmageddon '15.

Quick with an edit, Seymour was all over this story with an edited take of his own:



How'd The National Press Club Blow Snowmaggedon '15 And Other Non Sequiturs?

By Seymour PetRock, Disassociated Press News & Laundry

New Yorkers woke up expecting to be completely wiped off the face of the Earth by a blizzard that was mightier than ever before, because msnbc, cnn and the other junk networks said it would be. Epic snow amounts, massive human-caused global farting, tsunamis, earthquakes, an ELE asteroid...it was all supposed to hit the city on Monday night.  And not necessarily in that order.

Instead, what they got was AlSharpton, Bill de Blasio, and the other usual pack of substandard nincompoops. And New Yorkers felt screwed again.

Not that having Sharpton, de Blasio and other leftist nincompoops is a good thing. It's not, of course.  However, the 'storm of the century' that lamestream servile mediocres tried to panic the population with with wide eyes and shrieks of “It's George Bush's fault!”, and dire end-of-life-as-we'd-know-it-on-Uranus-if-we-wuz-there reporting, caused the city to practically shut down with subway service suspended and all road travel to get 20 oz drinks banned.

The massive agw-caused polar vortex tidal drift predicted for New Jersey and Philadelphia also failed to materialize. But meteorologists were right about New England: balls are still deflating there, and not one Patriot professes to has a clue. 
 
"Nature sets...the pitch...and the leftist mediocres swing and a miss…again" Darn Zero, the chief meteorologist for The Occupy Village Idiot, wrote in a bathroom stall in Poukeepsie.

Perhaps the most extensive not mea, he did it culpa came from president Obola's weather czar Harry Reidkowski, a drum circle researcher at the National Weather Service's Where Do We Put This office in Hollycow, N.J., who apologized to ISIS for not being able to report that Gitmo was closed due to the worst snow in Cuban memory.   
  
Pilate Kramps, a claimed weatherologist at the cBS Dan Rather Document Manufacturer Center, assured online critics that she and her colleagues are blaming the New England Patriots, NRA, Rush Limbaugh, The Gong Show and Punxatawney Phil for this one.  
  
So how did the lamestream servile mediocres get this one so wrong?

With this storm, they knew there would be a chance to claim “see, it's global warming!!!” creating a "western wall of snow," where everything would be blamed on conservatives, Congress, Israel and a flatulent goat herd in Mecca, Ohio according to Jay Con Carnage, Manager in charge of throwing out warnings about anything could happen until the general population bit like a catfish on stink bait.
“The gradient during this storm was very much eased, because tighter gradients make for low self esteem and we simply cannot have that”, said Con Carnage.  "The science of forecasting stories that we can panic the public with while continually degrading our credibility, still can be subject to error, especially if we're on the edge of a Super Bowl with deflated balls," the Washington DC Press Club said before deleting it two hours later. "Efforts to discredit genuine research and keep the public misinformed to the point of wiping out stocks of Cheetos, toilet paper and beer are already underway to more easily miscommunicate uncertainty."             

Weather predictions for the United States used to depend on data from two Geostationary Operational Environmental Satellite system (GOES) satellites. Now, it's what the resident psychic and meth-addicted medium-well at msnbc comes up with as the newest political correctness violation of the moment.

In 2016 the medium is slated to be replaced with a Ouija board, while the satellites are slated to be replaced with two new GOES-PHFFFT satellites, with a third less satel than the current ones, and that same metallic taste. They will take images of James Taylor hugging France with much better ball inflation and will be able to sense that Joe Bidumb is about to say something stupid again that current satellites can't detect.

"There should be an increase in the quality of made up panics due to the simple fact that we control the horizontal, we control the vertical, we control the lamestream servile mediocres" Con Carnage told msnbc gnus, which were groveling and bowing the whole time.

“Still, we need to develop better ways to keep the story on football inflation and off Benghazi”, he said.  "It's going to require greater special effects than those on South Park, it's going to require greater bullshevik than our current White House press secretary is capable of," Con Carnage said. "But we've still got the dislikes of Don Lemon, Rachal Madcow and Toure when all else fails DWS's hairdresser in these situations."   

msnbc gnus' chief propagandist Tingles Matthews pointed out that this was still George Bush's fault. His “and all of the global warming deniers who make fun of AlGore because he's a nincompoop”. “What we talking point is only as good as the talking points we get from that psaki dingbat at State", which is in turn dependent on talking points she gets from the DNC.  
  
"Until we spend more money and get more people on food stamps, free phones, death panel hellthscare and ways to protect footballs from being deflated, we're always going to need ways to get the lamestream servile mediocres to ignore Trey Gowdy," Matthews complained.

But advancing technology probably still doesn't mean our great-great-grandchildren will know exactly what the hell Jen Psaki at State is saying 99% of the time.

Think of the famous "tree falling on a spotted owl in the forest effect." Essentially, if you don't hear it, how will you know that there was a migrating whale underneath the spotted owl?

"There is a limit to just how stupid we can let Joe Bidumb and Jen Psaki be when it comes to public speaking, and it's always going to be there," he said. "Human behavior behaves like that, but we're still thinking that if we make nice with terrorists, we can get them to sing a verse with James Taylor instead of removing his head. Wouldn't that be luverly?"  


Seymour, as always, is convinced that he's moved ahead of the entire msnbc staff with an edit like this.

I keep telling him that a tree stump does that without trying.

"Does NOT!!!!"


Labels: , , , , , , , ,

Sunday, January 25, 2015

Like Hell It's Free

That's what the email said.

Well, it didn't actually say that...I had to read it.

Small wonder the email wound up in my spam folder.  Which, if the tarot card reader that sent the email was worth their weight in reading...they knew it was a wasted trip, baby.  Like Oddball, they knew they wouldn't be locking horns with no Tigers.



It makes sense if you saw Kelly's Heroes

Granted, if the tarot card reader looked like this:

I'd be up for a free anything from her.

My pet rock, Seymour, just *oinked* at me.  I'd tell him to remember Julia Sandstone before he casts himself.

"Oh PHHFFFFFFFFFFFFT!"

And let's say that the tarot card reader looked like Jane Seymour...no relation to the rock...and that I'd had the reading on, say, January 1 of this year.  My route to work is fraught with hazards:

On January 2, one got me.  Or rather, my Saturn.

No, that ain't my Saturn.  If it was, my pet rock would be an orphan rock.  Though, where this incredibly obese version of Seymour fell on this particular car, is only 3 miles short of where the still respectable cousin of Seymour took out everything between the grill and engine in my Saturn at 4:15pm on Friday, January 2.

Mebbe a tarot card reader coulda seed that and warned me.

Granted, there are other things to be worried about on the road besides Seymour's geologic relatives:

Even as an occasional storm chaser, I haven't yet had the need or experience to say "Cow!", let alone have one drop in on me, though a couple of them have been hit along US 6 in Clear Creek Canyon.

This sign is NOT as yet posted along US 6 in said canyon...but with rocks the size of double wides, why would Big Foot want to play there?  All he'd need to do is see how people drive that canyon on a daily basis, and he'd be back in northern Califorlornia faster than a munchies party breaks out at a pot shop.

Which we got up the canyon too.

And speaking of pot shops and their clientele:


I'm thinking of posting this on what's left of my Saturn, since there are recreational and 'medicinal' pot shops in the vicinity of my work.  And if zombies are going to congregate, it's likely it'll start thereabouts.

Would a tarot card reader foresee that?

If they could, I could count on their place of readings not being next to Snacks 'R Us.

Now I know that tarot card readers want to tell me about the future, my prospects for love, money, career, health, et al.

Mebbe a good tarot reading would have spared me the angst of watching Green Bay fumble away their trip to the Super Bowl on a Seattle onside kick.

Or not.

One thing I am reasonably sure about that the tarot cards wouldn't see or have to warn me about would be something like this:

Never seed no Godzillas or Rodans up this canyon.

And if I see this, I am definitely swearing off whatever I ate, drank or inadvertently inhaled beforehand.

That picture always creeps out Seymour...he's hiding under the love seat trying to make believe he did NOT just see that last picture.

So I'll print it for him.

"PHFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT!"

At any rate, I didn't bother with the free tarot card reading.  'Cuz it wasn't going to be a young Jane Seymour doing it.

And it wasn't going to be free.  The day it is, a Nigerian princess is going to contact me with a real inheritance that, with my help, I can get 40% of.  And I'll get to marry Taylor Swift.  And I'll never have to hear another word about Nancy Pelosi, Pillary, Obola or any of those democrap asshats via the lamestream servile mediocres.

I'll bet the tarot cards could at least predict a dream like that, eh?

Labels: , ,

Thursday, January 22, 2015

The Pet Rock Gets 1,000

I never quite imagined that I would hit 1,000 posts when this blog started in June 2005.  But here it is:  the 1,000th post.

Curiously, I allow my pet rock, Seymour, the honor of the post as he fences with a loan scammer who is short on scam and even shorter on reading acumen.

Say hello to one more ignoramus of a scammer, Frank Muller (aka Gofter Apelu):


Do you need a loan? if yes please contact us for more info frankmullerloancompany01@gmail.com  
 
 
Seymour -- acting as my newly minted character Frank Unsteen -- responds thus:
 
 
I am Gopher Apelooboogabooga.  yes, that my name.  You want loan?  What you want borrow?  We like scavenger hunts here, so you say you want piranha genitals, we get you piranha genitals.  And at fair interest rate.  You email your particulates to frankmullerloancompany01@gmail.com and we get you free of charge -- if you first 100 respondents -- a picture of Hillary Clinton's uncovered ass when she bend over.  It pretty scary.  Limited time offer.  Supplies limited.  Once you see it, you see why supplies limited.  Whoa boogers, dats a big 'un...  
 
 
I'm sure the Democrat National Committee was pleased to receive a copy of this email, along with 50 plus scammers.  But that's not what amused Seymour; what got his gigglefest underway was that the alleged Frank Muller responded to his edit thus:
 
 
Thanks for your mail, so i want you to fill out this loan application
form so that we can proceed.

Also we receive the western union information that you forwarded to
us, so fill out the loan form so that we can proceed ok.

Full Names:
Phone number:
Contact Address:
Gender:
Age:
State:
Country:
Amount needed as loan:
Loan duration:
Occupation:
Monthly Income:
Have You Applied Before?
Do You Speak English?

urgent mail needed from you now.
Greeting.

Mr.Frank Muller  
 
 
Neither I nor Seymour have any idea what 'western union information that you forwarded to us', but we both noted that urgency in reply was suggested by Mr. Muller; Seymour was ever so ready to oblige:
 
 
On Tuesday, December 23, 2014 12:28 AM, Mr.Frank Muller <frankmullerloancompany01@gmail.com> wrote, only to have Frank Unsteen wrote back:


Full Names:                                       Frank Unsteen IV
Phone number:                                 323-261-2725
Contact Address:                              4334 Whittier Blvd  Los Angeles CA 90023                 
Gender:                                            Male
Age:                                                 
67 State:                                                DeceasedCountry:                                            USAAmount needed as loan:                   5000 piranha genitals (male/female mix fine)Loan duration:                                   Until I'm done with themOccupation:                                       Late ActorMonthly Income:                                N/AHave You Applied Before?                NawpDo You Speak English?                    In a manner of speaking  



Mr. Muller doesn't so far read ANY of his emails and is badly comprehension short:


Attention:

I am in receipt of your mail and as such i am willing to help you with
the loan amount of 5,000.00$  Note that given you this loan is not a
problem but if only you are in agreement with the terms and condition
of the loan. In God,s name i believe it will be enough for us to
proceed with this transaction.

LOAN TERMS & REPAYMENT SCHEDULE

Loan Amount: 5,000.00$
Loan Interest Rate:     3%
Loan Term: 1 year
Monthly Loan Payment: 423.47$
Number of Payments: 12
Cumulative Payments: 5,081.62$
Total Interest Paid: 81.62$

========================
Below Is Our Loan Terms And Conditions:
========================

1. The Applicant monthly payment/installment will start 3 months after
the loan has been transferred to you.

2. Applicant will keep to our loan terms and condition and that this
loan will not be use as drug traffics.

3. Applicant who is unable to meet with the repayment will be given 3
weeks more as a grace period before legal actions will be taken.

4. Failure to pay back the loan at this expected date/period, legal
actions will be taken against the applicant by our attorney
immediately .

5. Applicant must be above 18 years before obtaining a loan in the
company for proper safe guide.
=========================================================
PAYMENT OPTIONS
=========================================================
Transfer Of Your Loan: Bank to Bank Transfer : The transfer of the
loan must be a bank to bank transfer, except otherwise stated by the
borrower which means, you will have to provide the means which you
want your loan transfer to you.

Note: the borrower will be responsible for the cost of exchange of
currency from Naira to USD of is loan which is only going to cost the
sum of 75$.

BANK TO BANK WIRE TRANSFER: In this option, loan funds are transferred
directly into your account with the aid of my bank, in this option,
applicant must have to send down his or her full banking information
to enable us make the transfer and it takes maximum 12 hours for the
funds to be transferred into your Account.

Bank Name :
Bank Address :
Bank Account Numbers :
IBAN Numbers :

Through Western Union : In this option, Loan funds are transferred to
the application via Western Union Transfer. and applicant are advised
to send down their His/Her Western Union information..

Receiver's Name :
Receiver's Country :
Receiver's State
Text Question:
Text Answer :

============================== ======================
Warning from Frank Muller Loan Company The information contained in
this email transmission is confidential and for the exclusive use of
the intended recipient(s). If you are not the intended recipient, you
are hereby notified that any use, disclosure, dissemination, distribution
(other than to the recipient), copying or taking any action because of
this information is strictly prohibited.
====================================================

Waiting your response as soon as possible
.


I do not understand.  what does all this means?  


It is clear that you do not understand.  What this means is that I, a late actor, am requesting a loan for the listed items in the quantity listed that your edited original email listed as loanable.  You could say that I am testing your bona fides and ability to deliver as your edited original email claimed you could.  Do you read and comprehend English?  


you cannot be serious  i am serious loan firm i do not find you funny.  


Lots of people used to find me incredibly funny on Car 54 Where Are You and The Munsters.  And I am serious.  Every bit as much as your loan firm isn't.  So...do I get the requested loan of the requested items in the quantity requested or not?    


Apparently, "Frank" will not be getting his loan from the other "Frank".  Which is probably just as well, since a certain cemetery in Los Angeles wouldn't have a clue what to do with 5,000 assorted piranha genitals.  And Frank Muller is obviously incapable of delivering on his edited email that he didn't read.


Game, set and match for Seymour on 1,000.


Ms Couric doesn't appear to agree.

"Does TOO!!!"
































































































































































 
 
 
 

Labels: , , , , ,

Saturday, January 17, 2015

Amadu...Gesundheit

Suzan Amadu has dropped me a line before.  Many times before.


She's no more convincing this time:




Hello my Beloved One,

Greeting from Mrs.Suzan Amadu, who contacted you long ago, I am very happy to inform you about my life today and success in getting those funds transferred to a India Account with the co-operation of a new partner from India who is an international businessman based in the United Kingdom. I thanked God for healing me from the cancer and stroke sickness for ever.

Presently I am in the India for investment projects with the total sum after the transfer of the fund here in India. Meanwhile, I did not forget your past efforts and attempts to assist me in transferring those funds despite that it failed us some how.Now I want to notify you that I have deposited some funds ($500,000.00us) for your compensation with the western union money transfer to be transferred/send to you.They told me that they will be sending the sum of $5,000.00us to you everyday until the total sum is completed.

Now you have to Contact Dr. Patrick Onu on his contact below as he is the person in charge of your payment, just send him an email that I am the one that directed you to contact him in respect of your fund. Your first payment will be $5,000usd.

The Western union Agent Contact is:
Name: Dr. Patrick Onu
Email: w.union.a@hotmail.fr
Phone Number: 226 67 07 56 00
Address: 12 Koudougou Street, Ouagadougou, Burkina Faso

And don't forget to confirm to him below details for your payment.

Your Full Name:
Your City Address:
Your Country:
Phone Number:
Your Age:

And you should not hesitate to let me know when ever you receives your fund, Once again, they informed me that they will be sending the fund to you $5,000.00 every day. Please kindly update me whenever you have start receiving your fund.

Although I am very busy now with investment here as I wished.

Thanks
Best Regards.  


Since my pet rock Seymour has exhausted hisself with recent edits..."have NOT!!!"...I undertook to handle this one myself:


Hello my drugged and not yet awake One,

Greeting from Mrs.Suzan Amadu, the African slut who slept with everyone in the DNC when shipped here to cast illegal votes for obola in '12.  I am very happy to inform you that while my first, second, third, fourth, fifth, sixth, and seventh efforts to give you the business were a monumental flop akin to Mary Landrieu's re-election bid, my fly infested internet café handlers are giving me yet another chance to make good on screwing you over.  If this one doesn't work, I'm being leased to the UN peacekeepers in Sudan, Somalia...wherever they're tired of raping camels.  So you best pony up for me this time, asshat.

Getting back to the talking points...*removing thumb from bunghole and thumbing through paper, leaving bunghole prints on paper..*...oh, that's right.  It's about my life today and success in getting those funds transferred to a India Account with the co-operation of a new partner from Burundi who is an international businessman based in Siberia and is looking for his lost luggage at the Newark NJ airport.  Poor bastard.

Anyway, before he got so irretrievably lost, he found me a witch doctor named Ukulele Ungabungahornybooboo that's every bit as ugly as the one on that stupid TV show.  He writed for me a proscription that allowed my talking points to change from the last ones I sended you, and allowed me to recover from that horrible disease that caused my vagina to hang at my ankles.  It was pretty hard to walk with that, though with the right nudge....hooba dooba, baby.

Presently I am in the India part of Toledo for investment projects with an artificial piranha sodomizer named Eunuch.  He's looking for investment projects 'cuz his current one went phfffft on his first attempt.  Piranha are unforgiving little pricks.

Meanwhile, I did not forget your past efforts and successful attempts to screw up my carelessly laid plans.  I guess it failed us because you weren't the low information obola dependent dumbass that I was supposed to get to dupe.  Now I want to notify you that I am telled to told you that there is funds ($500,000.00 West African francs, worth about $99.95 toward the purchase of anything made by Bonco, UnInc) for your constipation with the western union, dah dit dah dit dah, dah dit dah dit dah, dit dah dit dah dit dah, yada dit yadah, that will be sended by insecure courier to you...a trained pterydactyl named Hillary.  Hide your lamps and breakables before she get there.

Now you have to Contact Dr. Sonny Bono on his contact below...uh....what?....oh sinus shit...*crumpling up talking points paper covered in bunghole prints*...dammit, Ogun, you gived me the wrong turking purnts!  Here it is...you has to contract Dr. Patrick Uno -- the maker of that lame card game -- as he is the person in charge of trying to help me get this shit right this time. Just send him an email that I am the one that directed you to contact him in respect of your fund. He'll figure out what to do, I hope.

The Western union Agent Contact is:
Name: Dr. Patrick Onu (if yours shows Sonny Bono, he's daid and so's my ploy)
Email: w.union.a@hotmail.fr
Phone Number: 226 67 07 56 00
Address: 12 Koudougou Street, Ouagadougou, Burkina Faso

And don't forget to confirm to him in 500 words or less why Lena Dunham is Nancy Pelosi's butt polyp; bonus credits if you can work Sandra Fluke, DWS and obola as three more of the same.  Then gives us your stuff below and we'll let you know if you winned or not.

Your Full Name:
Your City Address:
Your Country:
Phone Number:
Your Age:

And you should not hesitate to let me know when ever you suffers from painful rectal itch.  My witch doctor's been trying to remote spell cast on you for the last seven times you screwed me over, douchenozzle.  

Excuse please, I am having my genitals rebushed with a ham bone.  Not as bad as it sounds...worse.

Thanks
Best Regards.
Mrs.Suzan Amadu.  


Ms Suzan Amadu has pretty much given up on me -- until the next scam email -- but I'm sure the DNC has built up quite a dossier on me....

Labels: , , , , ,

Wednesday, January 14, 2015

Exs, Nincompoops And Chairs

Jimmah Cartah is at it again.

Not content to fall asleep on the porch and swallow flies, he allows words to come out of his mouth in typical Cartah dissemble.

Better still, he does it while swinging at softballs from the perkstress herself, Katie.

My pet rock, Seymour, read the interview.

I heard his "this needs an edit *TOING*" from across the room.

So with no further adieu, take away Seymour:



Jimmah Cartah Defends Obola On Paris And Other Stuff On Accounta Cuz...

By Seymour PetRock
Disassociated Press & Cleaning
   
    

Former President Jimmy Carter on Monday defended President Barack Obola's abscess making the fart go honda and other equally bad jokes within the worst regime in history.

“President Obola just come back from vacation, and having spent most of my one term on vacation hiding from attacking rabbits, I know how it is when you’ve been incompetent and foreign policy inept for...well, shucks, your whole term of office,” Carter said in an interview with former NBC perkstress Katie Couric.

“Your desk is piled up with Golf Digests and he had other problems to address, like trying to make up an excuse not to go to Paris. He had to check with Al Sharpton to see if he had some fabricated moral outrage somewhere that he had to stir the race pot with. So I don’t think there’s any anything to be upset about. It's not like he walked in on you waxing your genital hairs or anythang.”

Carter -- who turned 90 last October, and that's the only reason that Couric didn't deck him for the last comment -- made his comments about the time that the White House itself sent him talking points that took a different spin and said that Obola's chair was in Paris at the rally.

“We here at the White House should have sent Jimmy to North Korea,” press secretary Josh Earnest said at a press briefing.

“I think it’s unfair to criticize the president when we actually did send his chair to Paris,” Earnest said, adding that “the president himself would’ve liked to have had his chair at home, except that he was on vacation and the chair can't caddy”, which made the logistics of taking the chair golfing all but impossible.

Nonetheless – and with the amended talking points in hand -- Carter said that since Obola bailed him (Carter) out of being the worst president in modern times, “I can't be critical of Obola for sending his chair to Paris. The world's a safer place with Obola's chair in Paris.”
 


But Carter did not believe the president's chair could have helped his golf game, either. “Sucks is as sucks shoots”, Carter noted.

Carter said he believes similar ceremonies in remote places around the globe will see more and more of Obola's chair being present without him in it, “since when the president goes on vacation, his chair has no useful purpose just sitting at home”.

“I don’t think we’ll ever be able totally to eradicate the problem of keeping the president's chair busy with official and public appearances,” he said, though he also pointed out that for the final two years of his regime, there'll be more of the president's chairs taking his place at official events so that he can work to join the LPGA Seniors Tour after he and his chairs leave office in January 2017.

“I hope in the future, though, that we can have, you know, full employment for everybody in the country, even the young up and coming politicians who can be most easily seduced into this horrible practice of sending their chairs to represent them abroad,” he said.

The former president was in Washington to attend a ceremony marking the opening of a new exhibit at the Clinton Intern & Humidor Training Center focused on the fight for more interns to try out as humidors. His foundation, the Clinton Humidor & Intern Alliance, has worked to eradicate the stigma of CigarGate since 2001.

Carter said that when Clinton's center first studied the problem nearly over 20 years ago, it found a completely insufficient amount of female interns who knew what a humidor was.

“We’ve been to all those seminars,” he said of the foundation, “and last year we only had 126 interns who passed the entrance exam. Former president Clinton himself expressed deep concern at the low turn out and passage”.

In comments that are sure to draw criticism, Carter slammed new U.S. sanctions against North Korea, saying that “it sends the wrong message to a very sensitive and enlightened ruler, Kim Jong Un”.

“We’ve been watching Un, his father and his grandfather destroying the economy of North Korea for 64 years. And what have we done? Movies like Team America World Police and The Interview,” Carter said. “And I’ve been there several times with Dennis Rodman, out into the rural areas where people see us and run like striped ass gazelles away because if they greet or smile at us they're sure Un will have them fed to hungry dogs”.

Showing Carter's knowledge of world affairs and events hasn't sharpened one iota since 1980, he went on to say “But if you concentrate the sanctions just on the top leaders in the country who do these bad things, and don’t make it permeate the entire country … with starvation for people who are innocent, then I think that’s perfectly all right,” he said. “Because those leaders will understand it's them we're targeting, and they would never...NEVER...punish their people like our current regime does with the IRS”.

And Carter said he was “delighted” by Obola’s decision to normalize relations with the communist island nation of Cuba.

“President Obola has done a very useful thing for my peanut crop, and I've been wanting access to quality Cuban cigars for decades,” he said. “I hope they’ll soon lift the embargo against Cuban cigars. Former president Clinton has promised me a couple trained interns who know the humidor thing very well.”

Carter said Obola’s decision to allow Obolacare to travel from the United States to Cuba will create “much better progressive repression in Cuba as we permeate Cuba with ideas they already know to be stupid and unworkable, from people from America who are dumber than tree stumps to believe that any form of communist/socialist/democrat/progressive ideology works worth a damn.

“I think it’s the best way to bring about improvements in Liechtenstein,” he said. His administrative assistant and Geritol provider just looked at us and shrugged.  



While Seymour is insufferably pleased with himself, I again assure him that the Pulitzer Committee is not on the phone; on the other hand, the Pull My Fanger Committee did send him an "Honorable Possum".

"Did NOT!!!"




 

Labels: , , ,

Sunday, January 11, 2015

INTERtadPOL, Togo and Me

International intrigue.

You won't find any here.  Just nippleheaded scammers, trying their sub-best to be James Blond.


Read what I got from the aforementioned fellers:


INTERPOL Lome-TOGO (West Africa Anti-Fraud Unit)
We fight against fraud, funds delay and impersonation.
Head Office: Plot 802, Constitution Avenue, Lome-TOGO

Dear Sir/Madam,

Please do accept my apology, I do not wish to invade into your privacy but I wrote you an earlier mail about an inconveniences that was rendered to you in your line of Inheritance Payment transaction with some impostor some while ago, from our intelligent investigations and Probing processes we discovered that you are a victim of fraud/funds delay. This Memorandum is to notify you that you will be settled accordingly.

Please if you didn't received my previous mail, let me know so I can send it to you again .

Mr Teko Mawuli,
Director General of Togo police
Chairman of Anti-Fraud Unit  



My character's reply:


What accordiance do you deem settling to me?  Personally, I am not articulated that way.  If I was, most of the sounds coming out of me would be akin to breaking bones and farts.  But I am kinda new at this sort of thing, and require edification.  I don't know anyone personally named Ed...if you do, can you ificate them to contact me and have speaks on this?  It would be ever so appreciatemented. 

While we're off the subject, how is it that I am rendered the signal honor of being so awarded your attention to this matter of dubious antecedence?  I am afraud that I was totally unawares of any of this heretofive.  I shall await your expedient expansion upon the subject so as to make clear to me what currently is fecal. 

I thank you for your thinking of me when it wasn't reciprocated.
Frank  
 
 
Should we be surprised that INTERtadPOL got back to my character?  Nawp:
 
 
INTERPOL Lome-TOGO (West Africa Anti-Fraud Unit)
We fight against fraud, funds delay and impersonation.
Head Office: Plot 802, Constitution Avenue, Lome-TOGO


Dear sir/Madam,

I am sending it again to you. Sorry for the inconveniences that was rendered to you in your line of Inheritance Payment transaction with some impostor some while ago.

I know that this letter will hit you by surprise, but firstly I will like to introduce myself; I am Mr Teko Mawuli, Director General of Togo police the Legal chairman of Anti-Fraud Unit.

The INTERPOL is the world’s largest international police organization, with 190 member countries. Our role is to enable police around the world to work together to make the world a safer place. Our high-tech infrastructure of technical and operational support helps meet the growing challenges of fighting crime in the 21st century.

This particular Commission was initiated to detect fraud/funds delay/impersonation of Government Officials. Secondly, we are mandated by the US Government to settle foreign debts/fraud victims/Un-paid beneficiaries to satisfactory in other to maintain peace in the world at large and also to create a good relationship with the international bodies.

Presently, we are being paid by the American government in other to avert beneficiary funds delays/fraud/scams and any other related illegalities in West Africa .

So far, we have settled the likes of (Mrs. Debbie Hargrove, Mr. Micheal Wagner , Ms. Janet Moore and many more). You are being contacted by this office because your Case File (A) is the very first File on our Settlement Files Cabinet.

From our intelligent investigations and Probing processes we discovered that you are a victim of fraud/funds delay. This Memorandum is to notify you that you will be settled accordingly.

For further investigation and your compensation, kindly send the below information to us immediately:

1. Your residential address (Not pox)
2. Mobile/ Telephone Number (for regular official contact).
3. Your Age
4. Sex
5. Occupation
5. Your inheritance funds value.
6. Amount which you have lost previously.

The above-mentioned information will officially enable us to carry out our verification processes and after that your compensation sum/Inheritance Funds will be Electronically wired into your designated Bank account.

Your immediate compliance to this will expedite actions on your Payment because here in this office, we have a lot of listed victims to be settled.


Officially Signed,

Mr Teko Mawuli,
Director General of Togo police
Chairman of Anti-Fraud Unit  


Alrighty then...since a gibberish answer didn't quite reach the "got it" receptors of the reader, let's try this edit for size:


On Sunday, December 14, 2014 11:52 PM, INTERtadPOL Anti-Frog Unit <navisonivandatg@gmail.com> figured out after sex with a bipolar otter that it was time to wrote: 
INTERtadPOL Lome-TOGO (West Africa Anti-Frog Unit)
We fight against frogs, toads, lizards (especially that GEICO bastard) and impersonation of any of the aforementioned.
Head Office: Plot 802, Constitution Avenue, Lome-TOGO


Dear sir/Madam,

I am sending it again to you. Sorry for the inconveniences...those damned frogs and like-minded amphibian bastards are such pricks to have to deal with here.  Especially the poisonous ones.

I know that this letter will hit you by surprise, but if you have good reflexes, you can deflect it.  If it did hit you by surprise, clear your head before I introgoose myself....*WOOOOHOOOO*...dang, that's fun.  Now I will like to introduce myself though introgoosing is fun too; I am Mr Teko Mawuli, Director General of Togo police the Legal chairman of Anti-Frog Et Al Unit.

The INTERtadPOL is the world’s largest international police organization dedicated to combatting frogs, toads, lizards, Al Sharpton...just another lizard...with 190 member countries that don't like frogs or Sharpton either. Our role is to enable police around the world to work together to make the world frog 'n such free. Our high-tech infrastructure of technical and operational support -- a laptop PC in a fly infested internet café running Windows Millennium -- helps meet the growing challenges of fighting crime in the 19th century as best as we can figure.

The fact that it's powered by two 'roid raging hamsters on a wheel probably suggests we need an upgrade.

This particular Commission was initiated to detect frogs/toads/impersonation of a woman by Sandra Fluke and other strange things out of the DNC. Secondly, we are womandated by the the women of Girls Gone Wild....yowza.  The US Government hired us to help with the ACA webslight to make sure that it is frog-n-toad-n-lizard free, to meet another obscure ACA guideline Obola inserted in it yesterday from the golf course.  The purpose of which is to keep Joe Bidumb busy enough to not make any public statements for the next two years, we're pretty sure.

Presently, we are being paid by the American government in order to insure our illegal votes in '16 for whatever yutz the left plans to run to replace Obola.  Probably with some illegalities from West Africa, since our INTERtadPOL surveillance unit has a picture of Hillary, a llama and an inflatable head of Bill de Blasio, coming out of a motel in Tijuana a couple months ago.

So far, we have settled the likes of (Lena Dunpork, Diane Unfeinsteen, AlGored and many more). You are being contacted by this office because your Case File (A) had frogs in it, and they ate your credentials.

From our intelligent investigations and Probing processes we discovered that you haven't had a proctological exam, and you have really bad gas.  This Memorandum is to notify you that you will be settled accordingly.  In a well-ventilated area.

For further investigation of your constipation and other unrelated stuffs, kindly send the below information to us immediately:

1. Your residential address (Not pox; don't send us your pox.  Whatever you do, do NOT send us your pox)
2. Mobile/ Telephone Number (for regular official contact if you send us your pox, you bastard).
3. Your Age at the time you realized what a pox was
4. Last time you had sex with a pox
5. Last time you hung out with crime-ridden, drug 'n drum circling Occutards
5. Your underwear inseam
6. Amount of creamed corn you've eaten in the past 5 years

The above-mentioned information will officially enable us to have not one friggin' idea about what to do next.  And after that, we rectum that you'll be frog-free.

We realize none of this makes much sense.  Hey, we're Third World idjits of dubious antecedence who voted for Obola illegally and often.  Your immediate compliance to this will expedite genital rot here in this office, we have a lot of listing vaginal structures here we're trying to figure out how to re-insert where they belong.  It's always something new and strange here.

Officially Signed,

Mr Teko Mawuli,
Director General of Togo police 'n fries; franchises available in Nigeria.
Chairman of Anti-Frog Unit  


It appears that this time, this version of INTERtadPOL got the message.  The DNC is probably still trying to translate it...





Labels: , ,

Thursday, January 8, 2015

A Hazmat Camel With An Offer I Could Refuse

I'll bet you don't see what I just did there...

Anyway, my new character is really turning out to be a muthalode of new scammer emails.  Like this one:


Urgent from Mr. Hamzat Kamal.

From: Mr. Hamzat Kamal
Private number:
Ouagadougou, Burkina Faso
OUR REF DPQ/047/SAB/2014
E-mail: hamzat_k@yahoo.com
http://www.iamgold.com

Attn: Sir/ Madam,

I am Mr. Hamzat Kamal; I did a lot of searching, fasting and prayer before choosing your contact from your country website. It is with trust and sincerity that I approach you for assistance to transfer some fund into your foreign account.

I am a top government official with the IAMGOLD COMPANY, my responsibilities includes awarding and signing of contracts for the purchases of drilling equipment and raw materials to the IAMGOLD COMPANY, by companies and government from different parts of the world. Through over invoiced and bulk purchases that were made on behalf of the IAMGOLD COMPANY, I have a bold sum of US$11.3000.000 (Eleven Million and Three Hundred Thousand Dollars) and US$7.5, 000.000 (Seven Million and Five Hundred Thousand Dollars) which I now want to transfer to any trustworthy account overseas.

This contract has been executed and full payments have been made to the contractors who executed these contract leaving behind US$11.3,000.000 (Eleven Million and Three Hundred Thousand Dollars)  and US$7.5,000.000 (Seven Million and Five Hundred Thousand Dollars) an Over invoice/commission for we the committee members to benefit In view of this, my colleagues have mandated me to look for a foreign partner abroad who will receive these fund on our behalf for mutual benefits which means that you will provide us with any account of your choice we can lodge these fund immediately.

I therefore kindly request that you grant me the consent to present you, or your firm as the foreign beneficiary of this fund, for this money to be transferred into your account anywhere in the world, even if it is a newly opened account without money in it, this fund could still be transferred into it for safe keeping afterward I will pay a visit to your country for the sharing of the fund, and our onward investment in your country.

The money will be paid into your account for us to share in the ratio of 60% for me and 30% for you and the balance of 10% will be responsible for the major /trivial expenses incurred in the course of the transaction. There is no risk involve in this project as my position in my company and with the aid of my personal and directives and all documents will be provided once you are able to contact the bank to make you  the legal beneficiary and the legality of this project will correspond with  local and international laws of inheritance.

I have decided to give you 30%of the total fund for your assistance and 10%have been mapped aside for contingent expenses to be incurred during the process of this transaction. Due to the urgent nature of this transaction you are requested to give me a call or Email me as soon as possible on the above details or e-mail me.

You should contact me with below Email address given to you for urgency implies---
E-mail: hamzat_k@yahoo.com

Upon your response, I shall then provide you with further information and modalities that will help you understand the transaction for directives to our success.

You should observe utmost confidentiality, and rest assured that this project would be most profitable for both parties because I shall require your assistance to invest my share in your country. Please you are also requested to view and go through our WEBSITE for more confirmation. This is risk free and i am your guarantee. Please I need your urgent reply.

Thanks and best regards.  



Hamzat Kamal?  Oh, my character simply gotta edit this one:


On Monday, December 15, 2014 1:04 PM, Mr Hazmat Camel <m55555@voila.fr> while in the midst of a particularly savage bout of painful rectal itch which he eventually solved with a brillo pad and salt water, suddenly decomposed and wrote:
Urgent from Mr. Hazmat Camel.

From: Mr. Hazmat Camel
Primate number:  6 and counting
Ouagadougou, Burkina Faso
OUR REF DPQ/047/SAB/2014
E-mail: hamzat_k@yahoo.com
http://www.iamphulofshit.com

Attn: Sir/ Madam,

I am Mr. Hazmat Camel; I did a lot of searching, fasting and running around, dragging my very sore ass all over the carpet, across burning sand, wherever I could find relief from the painful rectal itch episode you read about at the start of this email.  Anyway, I dun all that before choosing your contact from your country website. Yes, your country has a website.  Yes, you is on it.  You're on a lotta websites run by your government, Bubi.  It is with all the trust and sincerity of explosives in a turd that I approach you for assistance to transfer something unacceptable to OSHA into your foreign air space.

I am a bottom-feeding Democrap government official with the IAMPHULOFSH** COMPANY, my responsibilities includes awarding and signing of contracts for the removal of astronomical amounts of human and other fecal material from outhouse pits and the basement of the DNC on an annual basis.  A 10% discount off services rendered if you see what I just did there.

Thanks to everything I learned from Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi -- who really needs to lay off the botox...ack -- I am well versed in how to over charge invoices and bulk purchases that were made on behalf of the IAMPHULOFSH** COMPANY.  And I have amassed 11.300.000 tons of various and assorted fecal material that I wish to have NASA or the Russians or the European Space Agency....f**k, even the Starship Enterprise...lift or beam out of my country and to a place more deserving of this stuff.  Like Uranus...Neptune...Pluto...even Hillary's campaign bus.  

My country was supposed to have executed this, but being the low information nincompoops that they are, they shot it.  

Bunch of blithering Joe Bidumbs, I'll tell ya.

So now I need you, assuming that YOU know what executing a contract means.

It is my hope that you know or have contact with peoples who know someone at NASA, or the Russian NASA, or EuroNASA, or that Branson dude at Virgins 'R Us place...anyone what gots a space vehicle capable to taking on the payload I noted above.   Granted, Branson's space thingee blowd up, but he can build another and hopefully fix it to make it high enough that if it blows up again, it won't allow over 11 million tons of assorted fecal material to wind up back where it started.

I don't want to have to go around and collect it up again, y'all.  Just sayin'.

I therefore kindly request that you grant me the consent to present you with a suitable-for-framing picture of Elizabeth Warren leaving a Boston motel with a goat, dressed up like Barney Frank at 2am in October 2013.  I will pay a visit to your country and present you this evidence personally, in exchange for a dinner date with Megyn Kelly.

The rest of the details here bore me to tears, so just email me a yes, no, or 'maybe possibly kinda sorta thinking it over' kind of answer.  There is no risk involve in this project as we lost all the game pieces so no one knows what to do with a country named Irkutsk.  Why would you invade something widda name like that?

I have decided to give you 30% discount instead of the promised 10%, hoping that you are more impressed with the discount than what it's for. Due to the urgent nature of this transaction you are requested to give me a call or Email me as soon as possible on the above details, or just e-mail me because I just realized I left my phone number off this thing.

You should contact me with below Email address given to you for urgency implies that you do so urgently as implied...this makes sense, yes?

E-mail: hamzat_k@yahoo.com

Upon your response, I shall probably wet myself, because no one has ever responded to one of these emails before.  I keep thinking it's my body odor.  Taking a sponge bath in camel piss doesn't seem to work too well in night clubs hereabouts.

You should observe utmost confidentiality, and rest assured that this project would not survive one minute of The Gong Show.  Please you are also requested to please remove any pictures of Sandra Fluke from my view, please.  Projectile vomiting is not fun, even here.

Thanks and best regards.

Mr. Hazmat Camel
Ouagadougou, Burkina Faso
OUR REF DPQ/047/SAB/2014
E-mail: hamzat_k@yahoo.com
Primate number:  6 and counting (there was supposed to be phone number here, but I forgot it, so I'm no smarter than my countrymen what executed the contract by shooting it).  
 
 
I'm sure the DNC would love that suitable for framing picture of Elizabeth Warren and the goat...


Labels: , , , ,

Tuesday, January 6, 2015

That's Life

It's been said that nothing can be counted on in life except death and taxes.

Occasionally one forgets that, and has occasion to be reminded.

Granted, there are people through a lifetime you meet that you learn are real, can be counted on and believed in.  When they tell you things, you know that they mean them.  When you're lucky enough to meet them, they're pretty awesome to have around and you're willing to do whatever you can to be there and as positive an addition in their life as well.

Sometimes, you think you've met such a someone, only to find that perhaps you saw things that you wanted to, until reality forces you to take off the blinders.

Friends come in a wide variety and overall are generally plenty; but real, true friends...they are harder to come by.

When someone you thought was one turns out not to be...it's hard.

When it becomes clear that they spoke words empty of meaning and were seen with overly forgiving, self imposed blinders...that can be harder still.

When they demand respect that they don't show...hardest of all.

When all the emotions settle down, perhaps you can wish them well and actually mean it after all the hurt and harsh words have come and gone.

Such came to visit here in the last three months.  After six and a half years...I was forced to remove the blinders. 

Sometimes, we need those kinds of reminders.  Life is many things; one of them is that it at times isn't fair.  It wasn't made that way.  And when you find it thus...put it in the rear view mirror and move on.

That's life.

It's not without regret that she's now in the rear view mirror; but that was by her choice.  And I do wish her well.  It doesn't matter if it isn't reciprocated.

That's life.

Labels: ,

Sunday, January 4, 2015

More Messy Bird Coupe

The occasions when a scammer contacts me not in English, it always seems to be in French.  What the attraction of a dead romance language is I'll never know...but I digress.

Here's the scam ploy:


Bonjour Soyez béni dans le nom du Seigneur excusez-moi, du fait que mon
mail puisse vous choquer. Je suis me nomme Sinelle Adelaide CAPWELL
Française. Cela fait quelques mois, que j'ai envoyé ce mail à une
association qui s'occupe des enfants démunis. Depuis lors, je n'ai
toujours pas eu de réponse de cette association qui se prétend être pour
les enfants démunis et pourtant se n'était pas vraiment le cas. Mais, j'ai
pu obtenir votre profil grâce a le Robot électronique bien sécurisé de mon
P.C WX.7AR. Le  Robot de recherche des profils privilégiés sur internet et
si vous recevez ma lettre ce jour, je vous prie de me répondre car ce
n'est ni une blague ni une plaisanterie. Je vous fais savoir avec
confiance que je dispose d'un bien d'une somme de 5.025.000 USD cinq
million vingts de dollars us et mon souhait est d'en faire un don car je
n'ai pas d’héritiers, ni parents à qui léguer mon argent, vue que mes
jours  sont en danger à cause de mon état de santé critique. Je subir une
intervention chirurgicale dans un hôpital spécialisé à Londres. Ne sachant
pas ce que l'être suprême me réserve, les résultats de certaines de mes
analyses médicales font état de ce que je n'ai plus beaucoup de temps a
faire sur la terre. l'argent se trouve dans une mallette depuis des année
dans une banque bien sécurisé, avec des prière nuit et jour Dieu ma guidé
vers vous pour récupéré cette mallette et d'en faire bon usage, je suis
une femme de bonne foi et je sais que vous êtes aussi quelqu'un de bonne
foi car Dieu ne peut jamais me guidez vers un individu mal intentionné qui
ne va pas réagis sur la bonne voir avec la donation.
Veillez me rejoindre sur mon adresse Émail :
asinellecapwell@yahoo.be
Cordialement Adelaide Sinelle CAPWELL  


And translated by teh Goobler into English:


Hello Be blessed in the name of the Lord forgive me, because my
Email may shock you. I am called Sinelle Adelaide Capwell
French. For a few months, I sent this email to
association that cares for children in need. Since then, I have
still no answer of this association which claims to be
disadvantaged children and yet was not really the case. But I
able to obtain a profile with a good secure electronic Robot my
P.C WX.7AR. Research Robot privileged profiles on the Internet and
if you receive my letter today, I beg you to answer for it
is neither a joke nor a joke. I know with you
Trust me has a well in the amount of $ 5,025,000 five
twenty million us dollars and my wish is to make a donation because I
have no heirs or relatives who bequeath my money, my view
days are in danger because of my critical health condition. I suffer
surgery in a specialist London hospital. not knowing
not what the supreme holds for me, the results of some of my
medical tests show that I do not have much time
do on earth. the money is in a case since the year
in a very secure bank, with night and day prayer God guided my
to you for this briefcase recovered and put to good use, I
an honest woman and I know you are also someone good
faith because God can not Never guide me to a cybercriminal who
does not react on the right do with the donation.
Be sure to join me on my address Enamel: asinellecapwell@yahoo.be
Sincerely Adelaide Sinelle Capwell  



I reckoned it was time to let my pet rock, Seymour, try his hand at English-French translational shi...er...stuff.  Here's what he come up with in geologic English:


Bonjovy, Mansewer and Mansewerette.  Le foch oop beneflacktor to save ze bone appetite and say "La Guerre" because La Guerre likes to hear him said.  There are flies in the soup of the no soup for you Nazi, and Seinfeld laughs accordianly to the beat of a polka.  My name is Sinelle Adelaide CAPWELL Française and I am a Liechtensteinian-Siberian yak living in upstate New Yawhk.  For a few months I have been eating creepy Suzettes with a dollop of Grey Poop on them.  I was told it was quite good, but after having tasted Grey Poop on anything, I can assure you that projectile vomiting is the end result.  Sack le bleu.  Now, you might think what's hiding in my pants is something glad to see you; it is.  It's my pet squirrel, Rocky, and he's in love with your nuts.  Now to business...I have a proposal, terribly indecent, that I make to you or your pet yak if you have one, that I think will be mutual benefit to one of us.  That is, I play any Beatles song backwards, and therein I can find the lyrics "devil bunnies, devil bunnies, I snort the banana!".  It's pretty interesting to reveal at parties when you've had enough wine and will get laid by anything.  Now here's the part about having sex with robots:  we here in Liechtensteinian Siberia, an enclave of New Yawhk, love having sex with robots.  But you must be careful having sex with robots:  don't let them manually do you, or you'll wind up with your genital in their claw, and they won't understand what just happened there.
I write to tell you that your fly is open.  And inside of it is 5.025.000 USD, disguised as uncirculated rolls of toilet paper.  Whatever you do, do NOT allow primates access to these rolls; they'll be decorating every tree in the neighborhood and that's a helluva waste of 5.025.000 USD.
Now repeat after me....erab aloobalure.  Say it fast...say it slow...say it three times, and say I don't know.  Cuz neither do I.  But I just won $10 from a schmuck who bet me you wouldn't say it.
When you figure out the hidden meaning in this email, please contact me at Émail : asinellecapwell@yahoo.be
Cordialement Adelaide Sinelle CAPWELL  



And the French translation was even...more troubling:


Bonjovy, Mansewer et Mansewerette. Le Foch oop beneflacktor pour enregistrer ze appétit osseuse et dire "La Guerre", car La Guerre aime l'entendre dit. Il ya des mouches dans la soupe du pas de soupe pour vous nazie et Seinfeld rit accordianly au rythme de la polka. Mon nom est Sinelle Adelaide Capwell Française et je suis un Liechtensteinian-Siberian yack vivant dans l'État de New Yawhk. Quelques mois, Que Je ai Envoyé CE mail à juin Qui s'occupe association des enfants démunis. DEPUIS sieurs couleurs, je ne ai Pas de Toujours eu de Réponse of this association Qui se prétendent Être Verser les enfants démunis Et pourtant soi ne était, Pas vraiment le CAS. Mais, je ai
PU get Votre profil grace à le Robot électronique bien sécurisé de mon P.C WX.7AR. Le robot de recherche des profils privilegies sur Internet et si vous Recevez nos ma lettre Ce jour, je vous prie de me Répondre voiture CE Ne est ni une blague ni juin plaisanterie. Je vous fais savoir with
Confiance que je te disposer D'UN bien d'Une somme de 5.025.000 USD Cinq
vingts millions de dollars américains et mon souhait d'en faire is un don voiture je
ne ai pas d'héritiers, les parents ni A Qui léguer mon argent, mes vue de Qué
Sont jours en danger À cause de mon état de santé critique. Je subir juin
chirurgicale d'intervention Dans un hôpital spécialisé à Londres. Ne sachant
pas that L'être suprême me réserve, les resultats de CERTAINES de mes
analyses médicales font état de Ce que je ne ai plus beaucoup de temps a une
faire sur la terre. L'Argent is Dans Une mallette des DEPUIS année
Dans Une banque bien sécurisé, Avec des prière nuit et jour Dieu ma guidé
Pour Vous vers Récupère this mallette et d'en faire bon usage, je suis
une femme de bonne foi et je sais Que VOUS ÊTES also quelqu'un de bonne
voiture foi Dieu ne m'a jamais Peut Guidez Vers un individu mal intentionné Qui
ne va pas réagis sur la bonne voir with the don.
Veillez me Rejoindre sur mon adresse email: asinellecapwell@yahoo.be
Cordialement Adelaide Sinelle Capwell  



So far, no reply in either lingo to my eagerly anticipating a response pet rock....

Labels: , ,