Monday, July 6, 2015

Phonecalls From The Ledge



*This is a recent republish from late '08, and again from mid '10, and yet again in recognition of Greece and the markets in '15...*


Like many of you, my 401k feels like it's been riding a porcupine bareback for the past five quarters. Especially this last one, as the statement I received indicated (imagine a nice, big, fat, RED ARROW POINTING SOUTH).

I was originally planning to retire in 15 years. I may have to recalculate that in Galapagos Tortoise years, but I digress.

Anyway, when I perused the statement and the resulting dry heaves subsided, I decided to call my 401k funds management company, to make some temporary changes that the current market suggests need making, before my 401k -- now a 100.25 c- -- had further help from market 'speculators'.

*Ringing phone followed by a recorded voice*"...Hello, you have reached Howard, Fine and Howard Financial Clusterflocks UnInc...for English, please press 1...for Spanish, press dos...for Islamofascist, press Kaboom...for all others, press "0"...all of our representatives are standing on ledges right now, but your call is very important to us, so please continue to hold, and the first representative we can talk down will take your call in the order received...by the way, the Dow is down 384 points...have a nice day...nyuk nyuk nyuk *BONK*..ow!".

I knowd this was gonna be a long phone call. After a few minutes of "elevator music" -- Queen bellowing their Another One Bites The Dust -- the recording continued..."We appreciate your patience and giving you the business at Howard, Fine and Howard Financial Clusterflocks, UnInc...all representatives continue to be on the ledge...oops, we just had another vacancy...please continue to hold as giving you the business is very important to us. Negotiators will keep trying to get a representative off the ledge in working condition, and your call will be answered in the order received, sometime after that...*how many?...I see two...EYE POKE*...ow".

Now the "elevator music" in between messages was of a 60s vintage, with Blood Sweat and Tears doing Spinning Wheel: "What goes up...must come down...splat..."

With that, I knowd why I was doing business with this 401k service...my kinda sense of humor. I've always laughed in the face of poverty, having been there three times in my life, equal to my concussion count. Wonder which is gonna hit four first?

The hold messages continue: We continue to depreciate your patience and assets...here at Howard, Fine and Howard Financial Clusterflock, UnInc, where the customer is always somewhere on our priority list. Negotiators still haven't talked any representatives down, though we are going to be holding a job fair for some openings in about a week. Got a resume? Financial experience is helpful but isn't necessary here at Howard, Fine and Howard, a Fannie Mae/Freddie Mac fan and protege...please continue to hold, and the first available representative that leaves the ledge in working condition will answer your call in the order received....see that...*SLAP..BONK*...ow".

Now the "elevator music" is playing something 70s-ish...the group I don't recall, but the song is something akin to Our Fund's In Jeopardy, Baby...yep...I like how these guys think, if not invest.

35 minutes later, I get this: "your continued patience is astonishing. Really. We here at Howard, Fine and Howard Financial Clusterflocks, UnInc, would have thought you'd have given up by now. We really like your style. And just as soon as we get one representative to leave the ledge in working condition, we promise he or she's going to come talk to you. Really".

I begin to wonder about that, when Loudan Wainwright III comes on the "elevator music" with Dead Skunk In The Middle of the Road. Now holding for 45 minutes, and this is the message: "Still holding? Damn, you're a trouper. They say that patience is a virtue and money is a vice, so it's good you're blessed with the former, since you don't have much of the latter left. Our negotiators thought they had a representative talked down, until the Dow fell another 250 points, so please continue to exercise that reservoir of virtue that you have, and the next or perhaps only remaining representative to leave the ledge in working condition will take your call in the order received...nyuk nyuk nyuk".

It was then that I took a close look at my statement, and realized I'd called the wrong number, just as Bruce Springsteen completed bellowing his earthly Goin' Down Down Down and the recording came back yet again: "Your patience is greatly appreciated here at Howard, Fine and Howard Financial Clusterflock, UnInc, a party animal with AIG Insurance..our negotiators have finally talked one of two remaining representatives down from the ledge, and she is answering calls while on a Valium IV drip, in the order received...you are caller number 995, please wait to be connected...".

*Click*

So I called the right company, and salvaged what little was left in about 10 minutes.

Meantime, any unemployed out there? There's at least one funds firm that's looking for financial representatives. A fear of heights is probably an asset, I reckon...

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Saturday, July 4, 2015

The Pet Rock Piles On Kim Jong Un Some More...

Kim Jong Un apparently lurves seeing his name in the news.  Though probably not so much when it's from a news service that he can't control.

Like that of my "editing gone wild" pet rock, Seymour.

Here is Seymour's latest tweak at the Pudgemeister:



How is Kim Jong-un trying to get a Team America World Police movie?

Executions, terror, a really bad 'doo and singing really badry may mask a deeper insecurity by the young leader, who doesn't yet have the movie role he covets.


WTF News Soivice

By Seymour PetRock June 32, 2015 02:24 AM    

North Korea leader Kim Jong-un – to all appearances – may never have seemed so comically inept, though the bad haircut is a giveaway.

The Pudgemeister has recently carried out a series of exotic and perverse executions and purges of translators and others suspected of pissing him off, and North Korea’s pharmaceutical program just announced that it has cured AIDs, SARs, MERs, LOL, LMAO and WTF. Those, along with Dennis Rodman's favorite porkster's obsession with getting his own Team America World Police sequel, are the main reasons the rest of the world laughs a good deal at the shadowy and isolated nation and it's ridiculous leader. 

Recently, for example, Kim, now quite portly, won a cheeseburger eating competition while touring a new airport he didn't know Pyongyang had since the 1990s. Kim won the eating competition because he had all other competitors tied to and dragged behind MIG-15s which Kim thinks are the most advanced tanks in Asia. Knowing his talent for having unpleasants scattered to the winds in front of anti-aircraft guns, no one at the official Korean Central News Agency wants to let him know that MIG 15s are 60 + year old fighter jets of a bygone era.

“If he says they're tanks, they're tanks” said anonymous sources that were still in one piece as of this going to press.

The KCNA report did omit an unpleasant detail: the architect of the one and only flushing toilet at the airport, Ma Won-chun, is believed to have been executed by placing him across the barrel of a 120 mm gun and 'test firing' it, according to sources that needed an umbrella to shield themselves from Won-chun's pieces 'n parts.

Kim was reportedly upset that he wasn't told that Pyongyang had an airport until last month, which "didn't bear in mind that I need to know about sh*t rike this,” as NK News detailed from contacts inside the North, but which can't be confirmed because they got tied to a missile test that was aimed at the Sea of Japan and wound up hitting Detroit. Not that what's left of Detroit would have noticed. 

The executions, the cheeseburger binges and getting the leading role in a Team America World Police movie sequel may be central to Kim's authoritah and North Korea's longer-by-the-day chances of survival of it. The bad haircut just added to the already ludicrous figure. 

Leading geopsychologist Seymour PetRock has studied Kim and has concluded that the show of power as seen in propaganda film and video, as well as Kim’s ability to order executions, may mask a serious eating and sex disorder hidden from view of a variety of analysts and diplomats, some of whom have spent time in the North before being blown in pieces back South all over the DMZ.

What's left of them say that the young heir to the dysentery founded by Kim Il-sung, suffers from an insecurity complex that even getting a McDonald's franchise didn't cure, and when it comes to his cheeseburger binges, Kim doesn't trust even his closest aides to pick up his orders.

MASKING A YAK?

The unconfirmed but whispered about often masking of a yak in the Pudgemeister's palace, highlight the shaky ground Kim is on as he tries to be taken seriously at the Academy Awards, analysts say, without either the haircut or big screen credentials of his father, Kim Jong Il, star and soloist of the classic hit “I So Ronery” in the immensely popular-in-China Team America World Police movie.

Far from being "a sign of mental maturity," says Victor Buono, who had some amusing roles on The Wild Wild West, the purges and executions "are symptomatic of a really pissy pudgepot with a pms streak a tampon plus wide."

A key reason Asian analysts continue to watch Kim closely is the evident success of his quest for the movie role that he is convinced will get him a Noballs Peace Prize, which in the past few years are awarded to the equivalent of door knobs and tree stumps, like in 2009.
 
As the centerpiece of Kim's drive to impress Trey Parker and Matt Stone – creators of the first Team America World Police – Kim's taking of singing, ballet and acting lessons from Arec Bardwin has never been so important as now as a point of gaining Academy Award attention. 

Not that it's working.

"Kim Jong-un regards a leading role in a Team America World Police sequel as the core of his future legacy," says Cheong Seong-chung, director of trying to figure out where the Noballs Committee went astray with awards in '09 and since. "North Korea isn't able to maintain much of anything that Kim won't eat or execute, but can fan the odor of really bad kimshi south with great emphasis."

Reports given to American officials by Chinese intelligence suggest that the North may now have as many as 20 possible script ideas that Kim wants Parker and Stone to use in the making of the sequel.

NO MINIATURIZED MINI-KIM, SO FAR

While North Korea's short-range economic and social prospects suck, its mid-range weather forecast is such that Kim went to the beach, only to have Greenpeace activists trying to push him into the water.

That went as one might have expected...Kim executed the lot. Tied them to a test long-range Tiemydong missile that blew up on the launch pad. Some of their parts could reach the US in the jet stream, since the missile went phffffft which got the leading six scientists working on it fed to piranha yorkis. 

At present, scientists and engineers in the North have not figured out how to fix a hamster with a really big dong. That is now the quest driving Kim Jong-un to order and often witness hamster genital surgeries. With that capability, North Korea holds a perversion that even Western porn stars won't eagerly compete with.

"He's at the point where the 50 pound weight gain this year is reaching fruition," says Bruce Klinger, a former dietician introduced to Kim by Dennis Rodman. "The best estimate is he can go 10 to 16 pounds more by September."

North Korea has conducted three underground bracing systems to shore up the floors in Kim's palace to accommodate his weight gain, and is presumably preparing for a fourth – despite warnings from China, which fears a major earthquake if Kim breaks through the floor in Pyongyang.

The drive for a leading role in a Parker/Stone movie parallels tumultuous shifts among Kim's entertainment choices that have baffled top aides, most of whom survive by not saying sh*t since his father, Kim Jong-il, died nearly four years ago. Most recently, Kim sought to affirm his authoritah by the execution of Gen. Hyon Yong-chol, minister of the people's armed forces, believed by South Korea's National Intelligence Service to have been executed by anti-aircraft gun at the suggestion of South Park character Eric Cartman, during one of Cartman's moments of being a douche according to Stan and Kyle.

PUBLIC HUMILIATION WHEN KIM FARTED

Hyon's execution was the latest in a series that included, most dramatically, the public humiliation and then the killing of his uncle-in-law, Jang Song Thaek, in December 2013, after Kim farted during a public speech and Jang laughed. His downfall indicated Kim's desire to suppress "raughing when I fart."

Mr. Buono, now a late actor, sees the entire Kim episode as “just one more example of the  North Korean asshole acting up.”

Choi Jin-wooki, president of the Korea Institute of National Uterus, agrees. "He is very serious about getting that movie role," says Mr. Choi. "He thinks it is the most important to his survival. [The] purge is for him to eliminate any media critics. He wants to say that I am winning the Oscar for Best Actor in 2016."

But how does purging dissidents – or mere recalcitrants – relate to getting a leading movie role in a pretty stupid, if funny, puppet movie?

In the "politics of Kim," says Kim Tae-what, a former North Korean media critic, now a professor at an undisclosed continent, country, city and underground 'safe bunker', "every last fawning, groveling ninny there wets themselves in fear and tries to not laugh when Kim farts."

Kim may appear "more committed than his father to the whole idea of fame and fortune on a stupid puppet movie," he says, but actually "is far less likely to get that movie made because Parker and Stone consider him a twatwaffle."   


Seymour really hopes Kim is reading these.  I think we'll know that when we see a rock skeleton with Seymour's name on it at the bottom of the shark tank in the palace, next to Hans Brix's.

"Will NOT!!!"


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Wednesday, July 1, 2015

Anuddah Blog Foist

No, not the headline (or the parody paper).

The blog had a new and likely never before visitation from.....*drum roll*......no, not Liechtenstein (still waiting for that one)....but from....

AZERBAIJAN!

And shortly I'll get around to looking it up on a map.

Hey, I can get excited about a couple-three page hits from a country wherefrom the language I regularly invoke in jest if not spell correctly; besides, China's pissed at me again and has quit looking in once more.

My pet rock apparently picks on their friend Kim Jong Un too much.

Folks what looked in on the blog this week include:  Germany, Greece, UK, Ireland, India, South Korea, Singapore, Ukraine, Russia, France, Spain, Nigeria, Australia, the Philippines, Sweden, Turkey, Slovenia, Romania, Bulgaria, Portugal, Poland, Hong Kong, Italy, the Netherlands, New Zealand, Algeria and Canada.

I think a few South Koreans like how my pet rock baits Kim Jong Un.

Not sure why Greece is looking in, but a hat tip to Athens before they go broke.

India's looking in because a few scammers I've pissed off are there, along with Nigeria.  And Russia.  Perhaps even Ukraine.

I think that Germany looks in because I occasionally write 'flieger schiesse' and 'hundsfott', allowing a search engine to pick up on it.

The UK has its share of scammers too...along with scam baiters. 

Canada probably looked in because of my South Park references, which may or may not have included Terrence & Philip, but did note that Canadian Scott really IS a dick, just as Terrence and Philip suggest.

The French look in because...well...what ELSE have the French to do, besides drink wine, eat cheese, catch some rays and watch out-of-control radical muzzie cancer cell immigrants trash their country?

Don't worry, France:  some offended-by-everything lefty moron in the US is being offended for you.

Okay...here's Azerbaijan for those of you that, like me, couldn't place it on a map:

At least this is what it looks like today, before Putin tries to retake it via covert or overt means.

That statement should cost me some Russian visits shortly.

At one point a few weeks ago, I had a spike in hits from Switzerland; perhaps one or more of them were from Liechtenstein.  Really, Liechtenstein:  speak for yourself.  I want to see ONE page visit from someone...ANYONE...in Liechtenstein.

Hell, I got one from Vietnam.  Only one, but if THEY can drop by...certainly you in bucolic Liechtenstein can make the trip.

I promise you that you won't have to read anything in Azerbaijani.  Except for teh Gooble Translate, I wouldn't have the first clue what Azerbaijani would look like.

At least I know it doesn't look like this:


No, that makeover is wholly leftist American.  Probably wishes I wouldn't say "American" in the same sentence with "leftist".  Either way...a hole, to be sure.  *Hoping that stupor volunteers for hitlary pick up on that...love offending the chronically offended*





 

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Sunday, June 28, 2015

Airport 2015 -- Seymour Style

Another news story about North Korean whackadoodle Kim Jong Un.

Another edit by "pet rock gone edit wild", Seymour.

I swear that my pet rock is going to make a career out of Un.

Here's the latest:



Kim Jong Un worried that Pyongyang has an airport that's “terminal”

By Seymour PetRock – WTF News


June 25 (WTF) – Besides being astonished to find out that Pyongyang “had an airport”, North Korean leader Kim Jong Un expressed “ararm and sadness” to hear that the airport “was terminal”. 
 
No one in Un's entourage was willing to try to explain and clarify the situation to Dear Pudgemeister, not wanting it to lead to hungry dogs or the business end of an anti-aircraft gun, both of which tend to reflect current day North Korean ideology.

 Kim boarded his personal Fokker tri-wing prop job with his wife, Ma Thumb n Fingers, and younger sister Kim Ho Jong Un to take what they thought would be a three hour tour that ended up with them meeting Tina Louise and Dawn Wells, an anonymous source reported Thursday. This is the second time that Un thought he was going to meet the surviving cast members of Gilligan's Island.



Kim said he was greatly grieved to learn that the airport was “terminal” but expressed confidence that the new drug North Korea recently touted that cures AIDS, SARS, MERS, LMAO and painful rectal itch would help save the airport, something Un didn't know they had, but was pretty sure might come in handy in some manner.



North Korea's state newspaper said the airport is a magnificent memorial to all the people buried underneath it that prioritizes hiding the bodies of repressed citizens and relatives of Un that piss him off, from the prying eyes of outside journalism. Rodehard Dorkkuk – the paper made from wrappers from Quarter Pounders with cheese Dear Leader favors – also dedicated five and three quarters out of six pages to Un's three hour tour that ended with him thinking he'd be meeting Louise and Wells, they said.


Un was happy to learn that the airport has a novelty for North Korea: a flushing toilet. He spent an hour watching obedient airport officials give themselves 'swirley hairdos' between flushes, giggling in a manner that only those who could pull off saying it gave Un “a sophisticated look” without throwing up afterward.


Hwang Pyong So, Pyongyang's No. 2 man, Kim Yang Gon, Pyongyang's No.1 man and and Ri Byong Chol, North Korea's toilet paper roll mounting expert accompanied Un and what's left of his relatives on their sympathy and wonder tour of the “terminal” airport.

Kim, who previously complained about not having an airport with a flushing toilet in November and subsequently purged official Ma Won Chun to multiple rural locations via the business end of a ZSU 23 gun, had nothing but cheeseburgers for lunch on this most recent visit.


Un said getting to meet Louise and Wells “was the highright” of his day. No one bothered to tell Un that he shook hands with inflated replicas of both. Un considered them both were "absorute perfection”, even while Louise developed a slow leak and had to be covertly pumped up several times during the visit, which included Un serenading the pair with a soulful rendition of “I So Ronery".


Un thought it "charming" that Louise was "whistling along".

Rodehard Korkkuk reported the airport's new flushing toilet and modern in 1950s standards is expected to hold together until the next monsoon.

The inflatable Wells and Louise couldn't be reached for comment...



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Thursday, June 25, 2015

Politically Correct Gestapo Barbie?

Really?

Yeah...in Obola's hoax and change warped world, I can see this. 

"Hello Barbie" reputed to be an actual NSA mole.

One that's got feminincompoops going crazy over her politically incorrect looks.  But not her intent.

And Barbie thought her problems were over when she dumped genital-less Ken.

Here's a snippet from the article that got this 'thing' started:


In what has got to be one of the creepier consumer moves of recent years, Mattel has launched a new Barbie doll that can record childrens’ voices and upload them to the internet. Come Autumn of 2015, the ‘Hello Barbie’ doll will facilitate two-way conversations between children and their dolls. While the ostensible purpose of this technology is to create a doll that has seemingly organic conversations with kids, it’s difficult to not see this as yet another strange Orwellian surveillance tool.

As of yet, there is no direct evidence that the dolls will actually be spying on the kids in real time, but we do know they will be archiving everything the children say in a database, likely to be sold to data mining companies.  

And in the hoax 'n change Obolaland, that could also mean that access to what kids are saying is made available to...the N...S...A.

Which of course would only be the first step in the twisted world of Obola's Marxian makeover of Amerika.  Obola's demented of justice would probably then require Mattel to give Barbie specific questions to ask their human pre-adolescent hosts.  Things like:

"Do your mommy and daddy listen to that hatemonger Rush Limbaugh?"

"Are your parents unfair to other kids by reading to you before you go to bed?"

"Are your parents racist by making you peanut butter 'n jelly sandwiches?"

"Are your parents homophobic by being heterosexual?"

"Is your sister a pro-life anti-woman bigot?"

"Is your brother a sexist pig by having pictures of Taylor Swift on his wall instead of Caitlyn Jenner?"

"Have any of your friends ever criticized the rioters in Baltimore?"

"Please tell us the name and address of anyone you hear making negative comments about hitlary...er..hillary".


And with that, "Hello Barbie" becomes "Indoctrination Barbie".

Of course, the Nazis were way ahead of Mattel with their own Barbie:

Klaus was a concept that Obola apparently likes.  Certainly political correctness dweebs on college campi these days are in love with it.



Even if she sounds stupider than a Marie Barf nuanced hashtag.



Now, to be fair -- *snerx* -- Mattel hasn't announced that this is the intended plan for "Hello Barbie".  Of course, they'd never admit to it if it were.  Just like Obola knows nothing about what he's done until he hears about it on the news...

At any rate, that's the latest news on the latest version of Barbie coming to stores near you this year.

Which will offend the feminincompoops because she's still too feminine and perfect looking.  From what we hear, Mattel is working on that:

A lot of the Left will have problems with assorted aspects of this fix, so Mattel will go on trying to fix it until absolutely NO ONE (on the left) is offended.

Which would mean that Non Offensive Barbie would wind up looking like this:



Which would offend everyone on the Right, but in toxic Obolaland, that doesn't matter.  

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Monday, June 22, 2015

The Pet Rock Edits North Korea Saving The World

North Korea strikes again with sandpoundingly stupid propaganda.

My pet rock, Seymour, is thrilled.  Another chance to edit the Pudgemeister, Kim Jong Un.

In a proofless pronouncement from Pingpongballyang, the North claims to have created a cure for some of the most deadly diseases on the planet.

Funny how it didn't cure the deadly repression syndrome in North Korea.

At any rate, a number of news services picked up on the claim.  Many of them treated it with a skepticism born of so much of the typical nonsense uttered by North Korea.

My pet rock decided to take it a few steps further:

North Korea claims it has discovered cure for Deadly Stuff Like Burrito Farts, Obola, Mers and Mr Jones, S'mores, Beanie-Weenies, Painful Rectal Itch and Demeaning Plebney

Drug developed by North Korean scientists from ginseng, hawgwart, kimshi, tofu and Reece's Pieces along with other ingredients touted as “counter pandumbic” for some of world's worst TV shows


By Seymour PetRock – WTF News Soivice


North Korea said it has masturbated where the greatest minds in science have just breathed hard.

The authoritarian, impoverished nation – better known for pursuing a Team America World Police sequel for it's temperamental, pudgy leader – announced on Friday a drug that it said can prevent and cure transspecies identification in cases even as extreme as Lena Dunham.

The secretive state did not provide proof, though it did promise to come up with something in exchange for that demanded sequel from Parker and Stone.

The official North Korean State Headquarters of Intended Thought (NKSH*T) said scientists developed Kumawnnow-2 from leftover tacos mixed with fertiliser mixed with kimshi, tofu, hawgwart, ginseng urine and other stuff swept up off the floor.

According to the pro-North Korea website Dorkdung Toxinduk, the drug was originally designed to make cheeseburgers for Un in 2013.



"Malicious propaganda infections like Fox News are pissing us off, so they can be easily treated by Kumawnnow-2 telepathic drug, which is a strong msnbc contributor of abject stupid," NKSH*T said.



An announcement says that the miracle cure consists of leftover tacos mixed with fertiliser and a mix of other ingredients swept up off the floor - but did not reveal the special floors that were swept, though we can guess.



The dictatorship, which is known for making far-fetched claims about its ability to negate the world's cheeseburger supply in one attack, says that the medicine will apparently be telepathically anally injectable and will be known by the name of Kumawnnow-2.

In a statement published by NKSH*T of the Demoncrapic People’s Repugnant of Whackadoodle North Korea, Dr Jon Bed Pan said: “The researchers insert rare earth collected toilet acquisitioned leavings (RECTAL) into tacos (Bell) by applying the micro-subelementary telepathic projections of Dear Leader into the atmosphere to go wherever he demands.”

“The injection is made of extracts from those secret recipe compounds. As a strong abscess that make the fart go honda, the injection has been recognized to prevent rational thought processes from taking place in laboratory Rachel Dolezals and cows that think they deserve free contraception like Sandra Fluke.

 
 
North Korea trumpeted the same drug breakthrough during msnbc ratings failure outbreaks in 2011, 2012, 2013, 2014, and currently.


The North's claim comes as Hitlary continues to avoid answering questions about what gender, species and pants suit size she is. At last check, there is no vaccine to cure the vast truth void of the Clinton crimepaign or for the abject absence of reality at msnbc. Even North Korea doesn't brag about having cures for either of those.  


With that one, Seymour pretty much guarantees that we won't be seeing visits from China anytime soon.  But Seymour still thinks he'll get a Pulitzer, if Obola could get a Noballs.  That one is hard to argue.


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Friday, June 19, 2015

Editing Space Between the Ears

Even as he travels, my pet rock Seymour keeps an eye to the news.

And found something he can't HEP but edit.

Seems a Russian wants NASA investigated over the moon landings...as a result of the FIFA investigations.

Tit-ski for tat-ski.

My pet rock got hisself on a roll for this one:



Russian Nipplehead Says Apollo Program Should Be Investigated For...Oh Hell, Anything


According to a Tuesday article in the Moscow Crimes, a spokesman for Russia’s Investigating Hillary's Claim To Be A Transspecied Horses Ass Committee named Vladimir Stephanopoulouse Disputin suggested that an intercosmic investigation be mounted into some of the “various murky details surrounding those who question what exactly Hillary is, speciologically”.



 Reminded not to digress, Disputin threw in the need “to investigate the U.S. moon landings between 1969 and 1972 for having committed rights violations of moon natives.” Disputin would particularly like to know where some of the complaints filed by moon natives went to and why the original footage of the Apollo 11 moon landing has a watermark “Made in Japan”. Disputin hastened to add that he is, of course, not himself a black unicorn, though he does lean toward believing himself to be the reintarnation of Jedd Clampett, sorta.


A wholly discredited leftist flop of a publication – Outhouse Salon – used this opportunity to bring up the largely discredited conspiracy theory that NASA faked the moon landings in order to get mentioned in a James Bond movie – Moon Rocks Are Diamonds If They Think They Are – without going through the effort of actually capturing and bringing back to Earth a moon rock that thinks such.



Everything from an episode by the Capitol Steps to photo shops at Dream Quirks has made it even harder to tell Caitlyn Jenner from Rachel Dolezal if they say they think they are twin sisters from another mister.


Disputin denies that he is upset at American investigations of Vuvuzelas International, the governing body for World Cup Vuvuzela Orchestration At Sporting Events, which resulted in the resignation of millions of people to being subjected to mass vuvuzelas during some insignificant sporting events in Europe, Africa and South Detroit. Other non sequitur revelations have focused attention of how Russia and Qatar began looking into investing in Bill Clinton's genital cigar humidors – made from 100% female interns – if his horse's ass wife is elected in 2016. Again breaking with digressing, they also are looking for moon residents who felt abused by the NASA visits of James Bond to the moon during one of his many movies. Investigators believe that Rachel Dolezal is actually Joseph Stalin's late second wife, Olga Bigbuttinsky.

 


What the point would be of an international investigation of whether or not this photo is one of Caitlyn Jenner's cat -- aside from petty revenge for Russia – is settled science according to global gendering proponents.


The issue of race on the moon proved to be a triumph for James Bond and an utter humiliation for SPECTRE. Some historians believe that the moon landings contributed to the eventual fall of the ruble by proving that you can't buy duct tape with pieces of eight.



Relations between Russia and the United States have been strained ever since the making of that Rocky 'n Bullwinkle movie that reminded us of Boris and Natasha's really lousy accents. Russia has openly talked of ending The Kardashians on Kremlin Cable TV, and striking out on a high fast ball out of the zone by doing a remake of The Gongski Show on Rublelodian. A variety of technical glitches and total inability of making Hillary in a thong look like Kanye West have cast doubt on Russia’s ability to do so, and freaking out lamestream servile mediocres trying to prop up a Hillary crimepaign.


I think my pet rock manages to piss off pretty much everyone on the Left with this edit.

"Did NOT!!!"

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Tuesday, June 16, 2015

Banking In Cambodia Is Hard To Understand

No idea if this scammer is actually from Cambodia or not; but he shore is stoooooopid.

He sent me a short email to which I was expected to signal my interest in his business proposition with a reply.

I replied all right, but not in the manure that I reckon he anticipated.  I edited his original email thus:


We of the Vattanac Bank of Cambloatia wish to has speaks with you over a matter that is for us mostly urchint.  Yes, it is. 
We hate it here in Phnom Penh...it sound so much like Sean Penn, and he is real asshat.
BUT...they transferring us to Burntimore branch.  The one Al Sharpton's thugs already llamaed...looted...whatever.  It a pile of bash and ricks.  Ash and bricks.  WTF, we not talk ebonics, homely. 
Could you writ a ladder on our bequarter, asking them NOT to send us to Burntimore?   To pave your boner findings to them, you'll has to attack a cowpie of your eyedee for veriflagration porpoises, so they knows you is level. 
We antpissitape your squirrelly respond soonest.
Mr. Sochai Dithsh*t
Vattanac Bank Cambloatia  
 
 
A week later, I receive a reply that suggests Mr. Dithsh*t didn't read what I dun to his email, Ma:
 
Sorry for our late reply to your email which a mandate was sent to us to make immediate transfer of $5 million to your bank account. We wish to state to you to furnish us with your banking information plus a copy of your ID to enhance our approval process which will enhance our bank to make the transfer after due process.

Regards
Mr. Sochai Dith.
Vattanac bank Cambodia  
 
 
Okay, so he can't read what I dun so he acts like I dun nothing but replied.
 
So I sent him the exact same reply.  This time, doofus appears to take notice:
 
 
 
Sir
I can’t get what you are writing at all.
 Do you need this funds or not?
Can you state what you want?
Regards
Mr.Dith  
 
 
Can I state what I want?  Why SOITENLY I can...nyuk nyuk:
 
 
You didn't understand?  Allow me to clarifry:
Youse of the Vattanac Bank of Cambloatia wish to has speaks with moi over a mad hatter that is for youse mostly uterus...for moi, not so munch.  Yes, it is.
Youse of the parody of the first phart hate it there in Phnom Penh...it sound so much like Sean Penn, and he is real asshat.  We of moi can sort of kind of standunder that, iffen you mooo what I milk.
BUT...they transferring youse to Burntimore branch.  The one Al Sharpton's thugs already llamaed...looted...whatever.  It a pile of bash and ricks.  Ash and bricks.  WTF, we not talk ebonics, homely. 
Could youse writ a ladder on our bequarter, asking them NOT to send us to Burntimore?   To pave your boner findings to them, you'll has to attack a cowpie of your eyedee for veriflagration porpoises, so they knows you is level. 
Youse antpissitape mine squirrelly respond soonest.
Youse has the horror to be,
Mr. Sochai Dithsh*t
Vattanac Bank Cambloatia  
 
 
What is wrong with you?  
 
Nothing that hot sex with Taylor Swift couldn't cure.  Why do you ask?   You can arrange for that?
 
 
Mr. Dithsh*t decided then and there that I wasn't worth the game.
 
So likely would Taylor Swift, but I already knowd she had better taste than that  ;-)

 

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Saturday, June 13, 2015

Another Wale FAIL

The South African scammer Wale "Cash" Point apparently still has his job at Western Union in Pretoria, South Africa.

Which is why I don't use Western Union, but I digress.

I suspect that ol' Wale has surfaced on that site with me again, under the names of Klara Monet and Stella Dixon.  Each time, the conversation goes on until both of those characters suddenly had reason to just happen to 'be in South Africa' and wanted me to Western Union them money in Pretoria.  Soon as I (or one of my aliases) brought up the fact that I knew a scammer in the Western Union office there by the name of Wale 'Cash' Point, all communications ceased. 

Well...he surfaced again...once more trying to play the 'Britney Clinton' character on a dating site that *winked* at me.

This Britney Clinton claimed to be 30 and lives in Oakland, Arkansas.

Uh huh.  Probably one of Bill's illicit genital humidors.

Since I already knowed the drill, this one didn't take so long as you'll see..my emails are in italics, the scammer in bold:


You winked at me?  Thank you.  The picture you're using is very attractive.   Who is it? 

What is your name and where are you from?  ('she' already knew that from the original site).

My name is Ben and I'm from Denver CO.  You're from Arkansas?  
 
Yes, how old are you, are you married with kids?  
 
I'm 45 and not married to kids as yet.  Is that some part of your plan?  
 
Am 28 single ('she' lost a couple years suddenly) and no kids but maybes someday with the right mans.  Is that why you here?
 
Oh yes...looking to be the right mans for the right womans.  What has been your experience on this site so far?   
 
Nothing before you.  how long have you been on the site and what has been your experience on the site?   
 
We're taking a somewhat familiar track in the conversation, so I decide to accelerate the process with a prod that will either prove I'm right or draw, at the least, a feigned "what do you mean?".
 
Well I have been on the site for about 3 months now.  My experience here is that I'm hearing from alleged women about your age that are actually an online scammer from South Africa that claims to be American women, when he is actually a full-of-sh** South African man that works at Western Union in South Africa and posts on Facebook as Wale Cash Point.  Perhaps you know him?  He scams, interestingly enough, using your name, among others.  Different pictures, but your name among others.  Fortunately, I learned all about him and his scam on a blog that got all the information on him.  So...what are you looking for here, 'Britney'?  
 
The response I got suggests that I win game, set and match:
 
F**K YOU
 
Another swing and a miss, strike three called, Wale.  You need a new scam you sandpoundingly stupid moron.  
 
That makes it me 5, Wale 0.  I wonder if he'll be up to making me a double ace?

 

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Wednesday, June 10, 2015

The Pet Rock Picks On Kim Jong Un Again

From bragging about weapons of mass destruction and threatening war, now North Korea wants to be taken seriously again.

As a tourist mecca.

PUH-LEASE.

Actually, the idea DID please my pet rock, Seymour.  So much so, he edited this post accordingly:

Holiday in Hell? North Korea demands tourists

By Seymour PetRock – WTF News 

PYONGYANG, North Korea (AP) — Never mind if you're still looking for somewhere exotic to go this summer; whether or not you mind a vacation that comes with a heavy dose of socialist propaganda and leader worship, North Korea is demanding that you spend your tourist dollars there.

Right after drastic underwater nuclear missile tests and execution of their Defense Minister via anti-aircraft gun, North Korea's drowned, emptied, reinflated and whackadoodle leader is demanding that all tourism to the Far East come through their door so that the country can show off its "sociarist fairyrand" to tourists.





The demands made on tourism come from Kim Jong Un himself and, in typical fashion, officials are doing whatever they have to by setting lofty goals in their effort to please their leader and not wind up getting fed to dogs or executed by a tactical Salad Shooter.

About 100,000 Chinese tourists came to North Korea last year, most of whom suffered jaw injuries from excessive yawning.


Kim Suk Hork, a senior economist at the influential Academy of North Korean Fairyrand Sciences, told The South Park Sentinel that the North insists on cornering the Far East tourist market by around 2017.

Pyongyang's demands to insist on tourism may sound typical of Kim Jong Un's delusional world view of hisself as all powerful, but being as he is a pudgy doofus dictator with a bad hair cut in a country more backward than Burntimore, it comes as little surprise to Dennis Rodman.



Un demands all tourism to the Far East come through North Korea despite the fact that all tourists will see is a country brutally repressed, starving, backward and relentlessly bleak.  Rodman for one disagreed:  "visiting my pudgy honkey buddy will make folks better appreciate Deadtroit".

A carefully speaking North Korea Tourism spokesperson said that "Forced tourism will produce many, many hostages which will be sources of badly needed cash, so that's why our country is putting priority on it," adding that along with substandard mountains, barb wired and mined secluded beaches and a seemingly endless array of monuments of Kim Jong Un, the North has another ace up its sleeve — only the North can provide a tour of Dear Leader's Pyongyang Palace, to disprove the rumor started by Trey Parker and Matt Stone that the skeleton of Hans Brix is floating around in a shark tank therein.




"People in foreign countries think in a wrong way about our country after that stupid movie," Kim said, brushing aside facts. "We demand that they send us their tourists so that we can indoctrinate them correctly."

Opponents of forced tourism to North Korea insist it's like giving Iran a nuke: sandpoundingly stupid. Still, the badly-run State Department strongly advises U.S. citizens that if “properly hashtagged and nuanced, a trip to North Korea will provide jobs to isis and make them peace loving and good democraps” said Marie Barf.


None of that has convinced any but the most abjectly stupid of leftist tourists from the US and Europe to forego Disneyland to see a leftist udopia, which is why North Korea is demanding the tourists be compelled to visit.

"About 99.9% of the tourists who come are from correct thinking ideologies," said state tourism official Kim Dung Il. "We want ALL tourists forced to come here, so we can impress upon them proper thinking and viewing of North Korea. We also want to subliminally force them to start a hastag campaign to get Parker and Stone to make a Team America World Police sequel that stars our Dear Leader."

While the overall quality of life in North Korea frankly sucks, efforts to build permanent accommodations...er....attractions for visitors and the infrastructure required to host them are already underway.


Amid the predominantly bleak surroundings, those attractions, which are also used to punish dissident North Koreans, have lots of striking features.

In Pyongyang, some of the more claimed-to-be popular tourist sites include a new, high-tech shooting range, where visitors can carry out executions of disowned relatives of Kim Jong Un, who are right then and there prepared to eat for packs of hungry dogs. There is also a new indoctrination center, a huge waterboarding park and revamped "fun fairs" replete with age old and new forms of torture, fast-food stands where all workers are paid $15/hour and lead happily bleak and controlled lives, and a one of a kind 500-D theater where Dear Leader plans to show the Team America sequel featuring hisself, once Parker and Stone are interned...er...compelled to come visit North Korea. After a year of feverish construction, Pyongyang's new international airport outhouse could open as soon as next month with the only real flushing toilets outside of Dear Leader's palace.


Outside of the duct taped and baling wired capital, where funds, electricity and adequate lodging are a candle and a slit trench, well....it's best if you are allowed to stick to Pyongyang.

A luxury ski resort planned for Wonsan was cancelled when they were advised that their claim of “the finest, most challenging skiing in the world” – skiing on flat ground through a minefield – wasn't selling in Switzerland. A number of rebuilt restaurants have sprung up along the city's beachfront area, which while grudgingly popular with locals, are dubiously viewed by visitors due to outdoor barbeques of Kim Jong Un's executed relatives.

"I see Uncle Wu!"

As you can see, North Korea is approaching tourism the same way it does everything else: via demand.

Tourists of any nationality can expect constant monitoring, a lot of visits to model prisons, schools and farms, along with always-staged events intended to promote Pyongyang's unique brand of authoritarian repression. Like all other visitors to the North, they have few opportunities to interact with average people or observe their daily sublifestyle.


Tourists can expect enforced tourism extensions if they displease Dear Leader.

An American tourist who impulsively left a Bible in a provincial nightclub was detained for nearly six months. If it had been a Koran, Obola would have sent Air Farce One to pick him up.  


Seymour continues to expect a Pulitzer for writing like this.  I suspect he might get a free visa to Pyongyang.

"Will NOT!!!"


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Sunday, June 7, 2015

What FIFA, The DNC and DC Have In Common

Yes, there IS a commonality between those three, but that's for later.

Amongst the vuvuzelas of justice, there comes to the fore a scandal in the top of the world soccer community, FIFA.

Not the only alleged top of something that has that problem.

My pet rock, Seymour -- pictured here and a big reason Grog there is regretting his attempt on goal -- found the story about FIFA's embattled president winning re-election after being exposed as a high priced scumbag to be edit worthy.  I suspect that before the edit is done, the commonality referenced in the blog post title will become evident:

Sepp Blatter wins FIFA re-election and Hillary Takes Notes


By Seymour PetRock WTF News

Sepp Blatter wins re-election as president of FIFA, shortly after over a dozen current/former executives and associates are indicted for charges ranging from racketeering, bribery and kickbacks in the world of professional soccer.

Hillary hopes to emulate this in 2016, without the nuisance of a doj indictment.

Perhaps it's Blatter who has taken note of the career and history of Hillary and Bill that allowed him to triumph in the face of rampant FIFA corruption that has flourished under his watch.

It was also something straight out of America's leftist controlled and spinning out of control cities, such as Shotcago and Burntimore...leftist criminality is on the march.

As Hillary hopes for next year, Blatter looked the other way as nefarious business was conducted, or knew where bodies were buried. Right out of the Clinton Administration and later Foundation playbooks.

Probably whatever money he had FIFA give the Clinton Foundation, paid off.

Blatter wanted the same kind of transparency that HRC claims to be (which is absolutely none); and that is what FIFA winds up retaining, despite the sounding vuvuzelas of scandal.

Blatter and HRC should be married. They certainly appear to be philosophically. Besides, Bill's busy with interviewing interns for their genital humidor qualifications.

Blatter claims to be “the right man to clean up the mess that he either inspired or didn't bother to fix all these years”. Right out of the Hillary Scandals playbook that the lamestream servile mediocres won't challenge. 

What difference does it make?

"You know me already," Blatter said. "I don't have to introduce myself. You know what you are dealing with”.

Indeed. A corrupt scumbag that George Soros would be proud to affiliate with. And Al Sharpton. And Obola. Who will, you can bet, not let his dumbed down, corrupt doj be too big of nuisance to Blatter or Clinton in the months ahead.  Obola has a pen and phone, and room on his growing executive clemency list to fit Blatter and HRC in amongst all the islamofascist terrorists he'll be excusing. 

When it comes to the death of journalism in the lamestream servile mediocre community, scandals of and on the Left are essentially meaningless. In FIFA, or in the Democrap National Committee. Or in the Clinton Foundation.

Cancer is cancer. And the mediocres are okay with the kind of cancer the left brings.

"You can't ask people to behave ethically just like that," Blatter said Friday.

He must know the Clintons and the DNC very well, indeed.

Blatter sounds just like a product of the modern Democrap Party. He is overloaded by controversy, saddled by criminal investigations, facing upcoming controversies over Benghazi and foreign money/influence buying to the Clinton Foundation while Suckretary of State, and lacking even a modicum of credibility outside of the lamestream servile mediocres.

Yet with criminal activity and corruption scandals lying at his feet, Blatter wins a fifth term. And Hillary – remembering disgraced Washington, DC mayor Marion Barry, re-elected after being arrested and disgraced while in office – wants her chance to finish off whatever credibility and legitimacy is left after Obola has ruined the Oval Office.

It will be celebrated in the back outhouses of the Clinton crimepaign – and in the sewers of msnbc – as a road map for 2016.  


Actually, Seymour did wind up tying in the title's commonality after all.  Kinda hard to miss it, let alone deny it.  Except amongst the Left, where denial IS a river in Egypt.



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