Father Duffy had no part in what's coming up. Unless Tim Conway made it so.
*DISCLAIMER: No Siamese elephants or dwarf trainers were harmed during the upcoming edit*
When you get an email that starts with "DIPLOMATIC RONALD JOHN", you know it's gotta be a scam.
And badly writ, too.
Here's how it started:
I AM DIPLOMATIC MR RONALD.JOHN I have been trying to reach you on your
telephone about an hour now just to inform you about my successful arrival in
George Bush Intercontinental Airport Houston Texas (USA) with your two boxes
of consignment Box worth $12.5million USA dollars which I have been instructed
by UPS DIPLOMATIC COURIER SERVICE to be delivered to you. The Airport authority
demanded for all the legal back up to prove to them that the fund is no way
related with drug nor fraud money,
I have presented the papers I handed to them and they are very much pleased
with the papers I presented but the only thing that is still keeping me here is
the airport delivery Tag which is not placed on the boxes, one of the Airport
Authority has advise that we get the delivery tag so that I can exit the
airport immediately and make my delivery successful .I try to reason with them
and they stated the delivery tag will cost us just $95 Dollars only to get the
two tags placed on the boxes as that tag will enable me get to your house
successfully without any interference,they scanned the boxes and found out that
the fund is 100 % spend able and accepted by any bank in the whole world.
So all my character is tasked with doing is coming up with $95 to liberate Diplomatic Ronald John from the GHW International airport in Houston, TX. Because, his email concludes, "Urgent Response is needed because here is very busy and hot"
This was received on November 18th. Busy, probably...hot? LOL.
So as to not keep the diplomatic waiting, I had my 'editing gone wild' pet rock, Seymour, don his 'edit hat' and have a go:
On Friday, November 18, 2016 6:30 AM, MR RONALD.JOHN <firstname.lastname@example.org> diplomatic'ed:
I AM DIPLOMATIC MR RONALD.JOHN. Spare me the smartass replies about
floor mats, door mats, toilets, et al.
I have been trying to reach you on your telephone about an hour now just to
discover that my arms aren't that long and never remotely were.
I had a dream about my successful arrival in George Bush Intercontinental Airport
Houston Texas (USA) with two bimbos for Bill Clinton -- inflatable Lena Dunham
toys -- and was arrested for importing toxic waste. Who knew? Okay, so everyone
around there did.
I have been instructed by OOPS DIPLOMATIC CATERER SERVICE to have a
DIPLOMATIC by BONCO delivered to you. The Airport authority demanded all the
legal OSHA required back up alarms to be attached to Whoopi Goldblob to prove to
them that she won't sit on anybody first, and that the Clinton Crimedation is no way
related with drug nor fraud money.
Oh whoops on the latter.
I have presented the papers I handed to them and after checking my papers
they did not call me "pig" so that it appears that I am not a SNL skit and they
are very much pleased because SNL should be where The Gong Show is.
The only thing that is still keeping me here is a group of mangy looking
protesters that are blocking the runway and chanting "Who Is Paying For
Cher's move to Uranus?" Isn't Sonny?
One of the Airport Authority has advise that we can get out of here only
after we pay $95 to mount Smash Burgers on a moveable cart and
drag it past the protesters, who'll immediately forget what they're
here for and instead take up a PETA protest after the cart.
I try to reason with them that this make no sense when being interviewed
by cnn and msnbc people who are still in tears because Hellary appeared
on TV without make up and scared the living crap out of their sock puppet
I can not afford to spend more time here due to my pending audition on
Survivor XIX: A WEEK IN THE BASEMENT OF THE DNC.
On second thought, I'm fine with being delayed here.
Tell my Head Office in Benin Republic that OOPS is not the proper
acronym for UPS and that they should replace my ass with DIPLOMATIC
MR KELLY MORGAN, cuz his name is my name too...whenever we go
out, the people always shout, "who is that twat waffle douche tra la la la la".
They can call one of us names at 17139993055.
(Here Is Your Package Unlocking CODE(AWB33XZS). That will
allow you to inflate these rather ugly Lena Dunham toys...if you're
This drew no response from the diplomatic, but one of my long suffering scammers did bother to reply to this thus:
Why not indeed ;-)
He didn't bother to inquire further. And I don't blame him; a mere picture of Lena Dunham is nauseating enough...