Wednesday, July 18, 2018

Not Playing Well With Others

Sometimes...ya just gotta.

This was one of them times.

Calista Gibson thinks that the well-worn internet scam of "I'm dying and I want you to inherit this" will get her somewhere:


I know it will be a great surprise reading from me today but consider this a divine intervention. My name is Mrs. Calista Gibson, a widow from United States of America. I am presently writing you from my sickbed because i have been fighting cancer and the doctor says i have a few weeks left.

I want to entrust my money $8.5 Million dollars to your care for charity purposes and crave your indulgence as a concerned individual to help use my money for charity and also assist the poor with less privileged in the society so reply to my private email ( ) for more information as I'm not always online due to my health and my late husband's brother wants me dead so that he will claim all my late husband and i worked for.

I will tell you more about myself and what you need to do with the money once your receive it. Give me your word that you will not betray my trust so that i furnish you with more details about the Charity Funds. Please reply now as my health is pretty bad, It’s urgent and very important you keep this email confidential.

Have a blessed day and do not forget to pray for me.

Bless you.
Mrs. Calista Gibson.  

Lo and behold, not only was I not buying...I was having a bad day and wasn't playing, either:

Well, hurry up and die already.  I'm missing my Outer Limits marathon on the Sci-Fi Channel.  

Lil' Miss Dying-to-Scam wasn't willing to let it go at that:

Thank you for response, You do not have to be skeptic as this is not a scam, it`s absolutely a blessing from God. I do believe that putting smiles on the face of other people by reaching out to some individuals, the less privileged around the world and charity organizations in some other parts of the world is the right thing to do. I understand your thought you believe that i wasn't for real, But you are wrong. I told you that am not a scam and you and i want you to do your best to assist me to conclude the transaction. I would be at the background to feed you with every information as regards this project that would facilitate and enhance the procedures to achieving success of this proposal. All i want you to know before we finally proceed is that you are to commit your time, sincerity and confront yourself as my next of kin to the security company while i would feed you with the necessary details needed to ensure the claim goes out smoothly. On this note, I want to reassure you that the procedure to be adopted in processing and effecting the transaction is fully official and legal.

This proposal should not be regarded as a means to extort money from you neither is it a fraudulent concept that would put you into insecurity; hence you should remove your mind from every sense of disbelief, you will not regret but rejoice. I would be at the background to advice you on what to do for us to proceed and achieve our goal which is claiming the funds successfully. As an insider, I can assure you that once you have comply with me, the security company would now be under legal obligation to release the $8.5 Million dollars to you.
Be informed that for this deal to succeed, we have to keep it confidential just for my safety in order words what i am trying to say is that the transaction demand utmost confidentiality until the aim which is claiming the funds is achieved. If all i have just explained is clear to you and you are willing to proceed, then i will be expecting a return mail from you. I hope to hear from you soonest. My sincere greetings to you and your family.  

Okay, Lil' Missie:

Who said anything about a skeptic?  I just don't f***ing believe you.  I consider your antecedence dubious at best.  I consider your chosen template stale and constidated (you'll probably never see what I just did there).  You're not as credible as a wet fart.  And if this email is a blessing from Gawd, man, did I really piss Him off in this or a previous life.  

Lil' Missie still ain't ready to quit:

Thank you for response, really Jack you do not have to be bitter and insulting to my person.  You must believe this is not a scam, it`s absolutely a blessing from God. I do believe that putting smiles on the face of other people by reaching out to some individuals, the less privileged around the world and charity organizations in some other parts of the world is the right thing to do. I understand your thought you believe that i wasn't for real, But you are wrong. I told you that am not a scam and you and i want you to do your best to assist me to conclude the transaction.  Believe in miracles.  

What, does your fly-infested internet cafe handler there have a cattle prod poked up your ass, ready to trigger it if you don't get a bite?    If so, have your moronic, shock-happy internet handler read this over your shoulder:  HEY, F**KSTICK, YOUR EMPLOYEE IS TRYING, BUT YOU GAVE HER LOUSY, WELL-TRAVELED MATERIAL TO WORK WITH, AND IT AIN'T GETTING IT DONE.  TAKE YOUR CATTLE PROD AND STICK IT UP YOUR OWN ASS...CUZ IT'S YOUR FAULT THIS AIN'T MAKING IT.  

That gets Lil' Missie -- or whomever -- off the template:

what is wrong with you  I am not scam.  

What is wrong with me?  Nothing that a moronic email scam from a plunger-lipped twat omelet like you can knock off course.  But thanks for trying.  Next contestant on The Scam Is Wrong...Maxipad Waters, COME ON DOWN!  

That finally got the message across.  Or it has them searching the internet for a twat omelet and where they can get one...

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Sunday, July 15, 2018

Who's YO Daddy?

Sometimes I think that Capital One got their ad campaign from scammers.

'Cuz they're ALWAYS after what's in my wallet.

If they only knew how little there was ta git.

Anyway, another day, another Nigerian prince looking for my help:

Good day Sir/Madam,

 This letter might surprise you because we have met neither in person nor by correspondence, but I believe that it takes just one day to meet or  know someone either physically or through correspondence.
I got your contact through my personal search, you were revealed as being quite astute in private entrepreneurship, one has no doubt in your ability to handle a financial business transaction.
However, I am Prince Philip Y. Williams, the first son of His Royal Majesty Pepple Y. William, the traditional ruler of Bonny province in the Oil rich area of Rivers state in Nigeria. I am making this contact to you in respect of $38,000,000.00 USD (Thirty eight Million united States Dollars), which I inherited from my late father.

It went on for several more tortured paragiraffes, but the gist was established.  Another rich Nigerian prince.  That needs my help.

He's got the $38 million, and he needs MY help.

Now it suddenly becomes apparent to me why sometimes, when I write back in the nonsensical way that I do, that gives the scammer on the other end hope.

So I start by feeding that hope...with a turd sandwich:

You Nigerians certainly have your problems.  That much is clear.  

At least this Nigerian isn't totally illiterate:

I am serious with everything I mentioned, my proposal is genuine and

Uh huh...

I decide to throw in there a little hint of my own dash of antecedent royal blood, just to see how attentive he is:

Yes, Prince, I reckon you wish to come off that way.  You fail miserably,
but I know your intention is there.  It doesn't change my read that things
really suck in Nigeria when a so-called prince is reaching out to British
royalty for help
(Queen Elizabeth II is my 27th cousin, twice removed).

Answer:  he ain't THAT attentive:

Please clarify me, are you interested in my proposal?  

Not sure how exactly I clarify you as you requested.  Is this a self-help
exercise you want help with?  

Dear Brother/friend/daddy,

I am in receipt of your email, and I must start by thanking you for
understanding my present condition as well as accepting my proposal.

I am Prince Philip Y. Williams, the first son of His Royal Majesty
Pepple Y. William, the traditional ruler of Bonny province
in the Oil rich area of Rivers state in Nigeria. I am a dedicated
Christian and a practicing Catholic. I will be 31 years old
by June 10th. 

Again he went on for several more paragiraffes with the same drivel as
before.  What's worse...he's 31 years old, and he called me "daddy".


I remember in Big Jake, one of John Wayne's boys calling him "daddy" didn't wind up so well for the lad.  Granted, I couldn't throw this guy out of his saddle and into a mud puddle, but it did give me an angle to play with:

I'm your "daddy"?  


I realize that you probably haven't heard the Donald Duck routine off that line, and I'm not sure your results reflect mine, but one thing ah knows above all else from round about Wankersville....I ain't yo daddy.  

Sir, I don't understand you.
Are you interested in my proposal?
Awaits your response. least I didn't have to throw HIM in a mud puddle to get a 'sir' out of him.

Cultural appropriation of understanding may be lacking in this case.
What isn't lacking is my knowledge that I'm not yo daddy.  

Thanks very much for your clarification and as from hence forth, I
will stop addressing you as my daddy.
So are you still interested in my proposal?
Awaits your response.  

Finally, you make what amounts to a princely decision.
Now, what's your business?  

Having written me his business twice -- helping as a foreigner to get his money moved from th'yah to h'yah and giving me 25% of absolutely nothing for my efforts -- the prince apparently decided that I was not only NOT his daddy, I wasn't going to be his dupe, either:

Bye Bye!  

Sell Sell!

What do you mean? 

You said "Bye Bye".  I said "Sell Sell".  See what I just did there?

You are idiot.  Bye.  

Too bad you chose so poorly with your scam template category; had you chosen
> to be a member of the British Royal famdamily, we'd of been relatives and
> you might have accomplished something here.>
> But you chose....poorly.

And then, it just gets weird:

What do you want from me?

The moron contacted me, and after all this nonsense, he actually sends me THAT question? long as he's going to ask, I might as well use my connection to royalty for what little it's worth:

while you're sitting here playing at being Nigerian royalty, I AM from the British Royal family.  So just what the royal F**K did you have in mind, other than a very poorly thought-out scam?  Speak up man, my royal scepter tennis lesson is starting in 15 minutes.

Now I'm convinced that the stale prince from Nigeria is a millennial, because this:

Thanks for making mockery of my predicament.

You pretty well made that yourself with your choice of template, but hey, if you want to give me the credit, I'm down with that.  Any further mockerage you desire, feel free to make contact and I'll crank up the mocking chamber.

The "prince" had nothing further to offer; though my pet rock, Seymour, figures that I just blew a chance for millions....

Somehow...I think not.

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Thursday, July 12, 2018

Martian Chronicles of Scamland

Ray Bradbury was lucky enough to be spared this.

Scamland was not.

Behold an email from...well, you read it:

Greetings With all due respect,
I want you to read my letter with one mind and help me. I am  Lea  Edem, The only daughter of late Mr. and  Mrs Edem,  My Late father was a very wealthy cocoa dealer in Lome Togo before he was poisoned to death by his business associates on one of their outing to discuss on a business deal.
my mother died when she was given birth to me,since then  my father took me so special because I am motherless. Before the death of my late father (on 2nd)  June 2017in a private hospital here in Lome Togo. He secretly called me on his bedside and told me that he has a sum of USD5, 000,000.00. 
It went on for several turgid paragiraffes but in essence my character was to receive 35% of that non-existent total, for helping out lil' Miss Lea Edem.
Right from the start, the edit went from bad to surreally bad:
From: Twat <>
Sent: Wednesday, June 20, 2018 1:19 PM
Subject: From A Martian Time Traveler Named Twat
Greetings With all due respect, I want you to read my letter with one mind and expose yourself to emus with another.

I am  Twat..Twat of the Mountain.  I am a Martian time traveler of dubious gendercedence, and the only hatchling of late Mr. and  Mrs Twat.  My Late father was a very late person all the time because he didn't know whether to sh*t or wind his watch, so he sh*t on his watch. 

So go things in Lome Togo, which in some respects is very much like Mars.

My mother died when she was given birth to me because I came out of a twenty pound egg shaped like a Rubix cube, and wowza if you can imagine laying one of those.

Before the death of my late father (on 2nd)  June 2017 in a primate hospital here in Lome Togo -- the other patients didn't take kindly to him sh*tting on their watches -- he secretly called me on his bedside and told me that he hasn't yet made up his mind on the question of sh*tting or winding a watch. Since he died at the hands of angry gorillas with his sh*t on their watches, I doubt that I can ever answer that question.

I had a very specific purpose in contacting you, one that was fully explainatoried in the email template I was supposed to have used...then a George Carlin routine found its way in here, and I am at a loss as to what I was supposed to be writing to you about.

Hate when that happens.

I think I was supposed to blame US President Donald Trump for the war between the states between 1861 and 1865, which was based upon leaked emails from Hellary Clinton's broomstick express presidential crimepaign, and furthered by Russian bots working for CNN and the British MI-Sucks. 

I think they're going to do the next James Blonde movie based on that.  Octosexual Orthopod, I think they're calling it.

So in the meantime, I am working on a project to analyze the quality and quantity of botox being pumped into Nancy Bela Pelosi's butt, in order to get her to speak more clearly.

I don't think it's going to help, but at least they are putting the botox in right place on her.

It was also explained to me that it was because of Stormy Daniels that my late father couldn't remember whether to sh*t or wind his watch.  With all the silicon pumped into her, she sloshed when she walked, and this distracted him badly.

Now to the totally irrelevant in this email:

I am 17year old, but I am worldly in my ability to perform fallatios on a cucumber.
Finally I find some of the notes from the original template.  I hope that they make sense:
1) To provide any bank account where I can find refuge from flying kumquat testicular burgers.
2) To serve as the guardian of a time machine on an alien planet that allows Dr. McCoy to go back and totally f**k up Captain Kirk's love life in one episode of Star Trek TOS.
3) To make arrangement for me to come over to your country to make dishonest videos for cnn and ms13nbc because they're running out of faked video to use to sway elections from Soros bots in your country.

Moreover, I am willing to run as an octosexual orthopod for election to any political office in Kaliforlornia, when they divide into three states (Chaos, Confusion and Cornflakes).  
I want you to help me because I wrote to Hollywad celebrities and none of those bastards/bitches will do a "MeAid" concert, though Methane and the Four Flatulents have agreed to perform on the condition that Miley Cyrus will twerk a Yugo in E flat.

Please save my life and don't let the Yugo agree to that.
Hope to hear from you immediately so I can see what someone's pet rock did to my original email.
Best  Regards, 
Twat, From A Martian Time Traveler Series Named Twat  
No response from Scamland, Hollywad, the DNC or gorillas in the mist.
Any reply from Mars will take a few months.

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Sunday, July 8, 2018

The Pet Rock Edits Antifa

My pet rock, Seymour, just learned that Antifa -- a collection of malignant malcontents seeking chaos at any price -- are now mad at some of their ideological substandard brethren in the Democrapic Socialists of 'Murica.

Cuz most of them didn't stick around to get arrested at a recent protest in Dallas, Texas.

All together now...awwwwwwwww.

*snort guffaw snicker ROAR*

That was enough for my "editing gone wild" pet rock to take pen in appendage -- only an extraordinary pet rock can do that -- and help Antifa's cause in print.  Not:

UH-OH: Antifa Feuding With Democratic Socialists Over Who Smelled Worse When Cops Showed Up

"After sniffing the DSA leadership the pigs arrested us..."

By Seymour PetRock – WTFNS
July, 2018

Members of the genitally-stunted group Antifa are now feuding with members in the "Democratic Socialists of 'Murica," after the socialists abandoned a protest against the obola Administration's immigration policies Saturday, leaving Antifa members to the mercy of people “too clean to be remotely affiliated with Antifa” – aka, local law enforcement.

According to anonymous sources at cnn, desperate to make up something for Anderson Pooper, Antifa members now say they were "accused of stinking worse than the DSM" , whom they now accuse of actively getting preferential treatment from the Dallas Police Department.

“@DSM_NorthTexas leadership decided to pull their people from the demo leaving illegals and us at risk of arrest,” a local Antifa group sniveled Monday, WTFNS reports.

“After sniffing the DSM leadership – and then catching a whiff of us (Antifa) – Dallas Police moved in after DSM left,” Antifa continued to snivel. “All the DSM pussies followed their leadership. None were even arrested. When arrested, we reached out to DSM's Jail Support function and got 404 messages. They offered no support to us.”

Awwwww...that's a tough break.

According to a local news source, the trouble started when Dallas Police arrived at an Antifa/DSM road block to leading to an Immigration and Customs Enforcement office in Dallas, Texas. The protest was small — only a few dozen twerps — so it seems Antifa was able to immediately identify demonstrators who weren't affiliated with their group by the smell. And vice-versa.

“They smelled like dead goats!” complained one member of DSM. Antifa's response was “oh...YEAH? Well, YOU smell like...uh...LIVE GOATS!” This resulted in an amused Dallas Police Department standing by while smell analogies flew to and fro between Antifa and the DSM. When finally an Antifa intellectual yelled at DSM “well..YOU ALL SMELL LIKE TRUMP SUPPORTERS”, the DSMs decided that was it and they left...leaving DPD to don masks and arrest all the dead-goat-smelling Antifans.

All of the protesters who were arrested quickly made bail – jailers couldn't bear the smell – but it doesn't seem anyone in either group is interested in quickly making amends. Or cleaning up.

Seymour did get a letter from the Goat Herders of America, protesting the demeaning of goats by lumping them with Antifa.

"Oh PHFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT" or something akin, was the official response.


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Thursday, July 5, 2018

Gender Switching Is Ever'whar

And you thought it was just the current POTUS that had her triggered?

Nawp...on an opening email scam, I dared to assume GENDER.

And it goes magnificently down hill from there.  Take a gander:

Dear Friend.
I wanted us to discuss on how we can save lives of the poor people in our community.
My name is Mrs Thoms Christelle I am a, nationality FRANCE.I'm married to Mr.Thomas Behaung who Worked with the national Oil,before he died of poisoning in 2013 .
Second year after the death of my husband, who has left me everything he worked for ,the doctors told me I will not live longer than some months because of my health, I decided to WILL / donate the sum of $9,500,000 (Nine million, five hundred thousand dollars) to you for the good work of humanity, and also to help the Victims of flood,motherless and less privilege and also for the assistance of the widows. I dont have a child of my own who will inherit my wealth when i am gone. i have no good people around me, everyone has stolen from me and want me dead so that they can steal all.
I wish you all the best and may the good Lord bless you abundantly,and please use the funds well and always extend the good work to others. I will appreciate your utmost confidentiality in this matter until the task is accomplished as I do not want anything that will jeopardize my last wish .
Pls :. kindly get back to me so that we can discuss more.
Thank You and God Bless You
MRS Thomas  
Sounds so benevolent, don't it?  Bet I can change that in one response:
You save poor people in your French neighborhood by kicking out all the islamofascists that are invading it.  
And THAT drew what became the equivalent of "hold my camel piss beer and watch this":
(Incidentally, all responses now coming from Thomas...the "Mrs" apparently has a headache)
Well, if you don't want it junky over there, that's how you fix it, Bunky.  
Crack head  
I'm sorry, Crackhead, I called you Bunky.  I'll make it Crackhead from henceforth.
So,'s living in Islamofascistville amongst all the riffraff?  Right at home, are you, Crackhead?  
(Now he/she/it decides to up the ante...*scary organ music*)
I will send terrorist to your house to kill every living thing there.  
Oh, by all means, do that Crackhead.  I will have coffee and claymores awaiting them.  
Ok 3 days time  you will see the ninjas right in ur living room  
3 days?  That's too long.  I will be on vacation.  You must expedite their arrival, Crackhead.  They need to be here tonight.  Otherwise, you FAIL...*BUZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZER*...FAIL.
Don't fail me, Crackhead.  
And what are nincompoop African email scammers doing with ninjas?  Them's Japanese.  Mebbe you got some Zulus or something?  How about a witchdoctor, Crackhead.  Think you could get your witchdoctor here by tonight?  Work on that and get back to me, Crackhead.  I have things to attend to.  
You also seem to have some gender identity issues, Crackhead.  First you're a woman, then you're a man.  What are you now, an octosexual orthopod?  You seem in way over your head, Crackhead.  But fine...your ninja witchdoctor Zulus must be here tonight.  Tonight, Crackhead.  Tonight.

Finally, Crackhead speaks:
Just wait. you will testify in hell that i am the Lucifer in the making  
And he included this photo for his version of emphasis:
 So convincing...
Hell is not on my travel itinerary, Crackhead.  And I've received no subpoena to testify.
I can tell that you're new at this, Crackhead.  Don't quit your day job if you have one.

Now, be a good islamofascist nincompoop and get your ninja witchdoctor Zulu to
my place TONIGHT.  The whole internet world will know of your failure if you don't.  
Oh...someone just goose you with a satchel charge, Crackhead?  Bet that leaves a mark.  
Looks like you've got some keyboard issues there, Crackhead.  Sitting around that fly infested internet cafe, picking your butt isn't helping the life expectancy of that keyboard. You've got a job to do, Ma'am.  Or Mister.  Or octosexual orthopod, whatever you is. The clock is ticking, Crackhead.  Tonight, Crackhead. Tonniiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiighttttttt.  
What came as no surprise, tonight came and no ninja witchdoctor Zulus showed up.  Hmmphf.

Wassamatta, Crackhead?  Your islamofascist ninja witchdoctor Zulus lose their GPS? 

Apparently, Crackheaded Thomas Cristelle Lucifer IS sulking.  He won't play no mores.


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Tuesday, July 3, 2018

Baldwin Bloviation

My pet rock, Seymour, loved the movie Team America World Police.  

He especially loved how most of the Hollywad elitists were portrayed and met their respective demises.

Especially the King of Twat Waffles, Alec Baldwin.

So it didn't surprise me when Seymour saw an interview wherein Baldwin asserted that if he ran against POTUS in 2020, he'd beat him "a thousand percent".

The bigger the ego with less to prop it up, the harder it can fall.

So Seymour decided to don his "editing gone wild" hat, and have a go:

Alec Baldwin Says He’d Beat Himself in 2020: “I One-Thousand Percent Would Fail At Math And Masturbation”

By Seymour PetRock – WTFNS

Alec Baldwin has been one of Donald Trump’s most moronic and out of his league critics, and the “30 Rock” nincompoop told Howard Be Thy Name Stern in an appearance on Monday that there’s no doubt he’d beat a sock puppet but not the president if he were to run against him in 2020.

“If I ran, I would make the biggest ass of myself since that marionette did it for me in Team America World Police,” Baldwin proclaimed. “I would absolutely look like a total twat waffle. A 1,000 percent twat waffle.”

The only things preventing the actor from running against Trump, he says, is his ego not yet having overloaded his ass. If it were to, he'd run “and get royally flogged”.

"My crampaign would be the lowest, lousiest, most abjectly stupid crampaign that would allow twat goblins like Kathy Griffin, Chelsea Mishandler, Ashley Dudd and Josh Whedon a wee amount – albeit, an immeasurable amount – of redemption,” Baldwin added.

And he wouldn’t be wrong for once.  Sorta.

Baldwin has been making an ass of himself long before 2016 which earned him praise from unhinged, meth-abusing liberals and scorn from many conservatives, including Trump himself.

But for now, Baldwin is going to leave the making crampaign asses of themselves to the pack of leftist moron politicians, while offering a message for anyone deciding to run.

“We really don't have anyone on the left that's worth a sh*t,” he said in a more serious tone. “I’d love to run for that kind of position to just have things be very common sense. However, since I don't know jacksh*t about common sense – I am, after all, a lefty democrap that supported the most corrupt broom rider in history – I wouldn't know where to begin, other than by using the same losing playbook the DNC used with Hellary. And that's why Trump won.

There are so many things that this country needs to do that are so obvious, and that damned Trump is doing them. It's really disheartening when we were all set to let Hellary continue turning us into Venezuela. And now Trump is trying to make peace with Kim Jong Un, after Un's father shot me up in TAWP. I just can't get over it.”

Baldwin's therapist was not returning calls.

"Think this will get me a Pulitzer?"

No, Seymour...but it will get you a denigrating mention on SNL.


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Saturday, June 30, 2018

Stupid Waters Run On...And On...And On...

I realize that this photo is tough to stomach.

My pet rock, Seymour, agrees.

So when he saw that Waters made intemperate statements on the weekend, advocating harassment basically anywhere/anytime against Trump Administration folks -- and then tried walking it back and lying about it when publically spanked -- it was more than Seymour's "editing gone wild" persona could resist:

Reprehensible Maxine Waters Urges Harassment..And Then Lies About It

By Seymour PetRock – WTFNS

Never one to avoid stepping in crap and then inserting the soiled foot in her mouth, CA Reprehensible Maxine Waters (Dumbass) urged resisters to target anyone in the Trump Administration with harassment in the wake of episodes of just that against Sarah Sanders and Kirstjen Nielsen.

In a Newsweak article on June 24, the very Reprehensible Waters said members of the Trump administration should expect continued harassment at restaurants and in public if they keep defending his "zero tolerance" immigration policy that led to thousands of migrant children being detained away from their parents. A policy in play during the Obola regime, a fact that Waters loves to gloss over.

The Kaliforlornia Democrap shrieked Saturday at a low information rally in Los Angeles and later on ms13nbc about how her people will continue to personally target President Trump's defenders in public spaces.  Waters told ms13nbc Saturday that members of Trump's Cabinet should not be able to cry foul or play the victim, even while the same policy was in place when Obola was president and Waters was all too willing to ignore it then. 
"I have no sympathy for these people that voted against our trying to turn America into Venezuela" Waters said.

"For these members of his Cabinet who remain and try to defend him, they're not going to be able to go to a restaurant, they're not going to be able to stop at a gas station, they're not going to be able to shop at a department store. The people are going to turn on them, they're going to protest, they're going to absolutely harass them until they decide that they're going to tell the president, 'We don't want America Great again, we want to be Venezuela" Waters said. 
Waters gave a practiced false narrative to a Los Angeles rally of low information muttonheads on Saturday and sent a message to Trump's supporters. "You think we're rallying now, you ain't seen nothing yet," she exclaimed. "Already you have members of your Cabinet being booed out of restaurants. Who have protesters taking up at your house chanting, 'No peace, no sheep.'"

She continued without realizing how stupid she was sounding, "Let's make sure we show up wherever we have to show up, and if you see anybody from that Cabinet in a restaurant, in a department store, at a gasoline station, you get out and you create a crowd and you push back on them and you tell them they're not welcome anymore, anywhere." Waters concluded to barking seals bussed in to boost the crowd.

"History is not going to be kind to the previous administration, so we have to smear the current one with everything we can to deflect history from what Obola did," she added. 
What came as no surprise, President Trump responded with calling Waters, accurately, a “dubious person of low IQ”.  This – along with some surprising censure from her own party (because they saw the way public opinion was breaking on this, and it wasn't in their favor), led Waters to put on a crocodile tears display Monday on ms13nbc as she used “the children” to deflect away from the harassment comments she made over the weekend. On ms13nbc.  “I did not call for harm for anybody. The president lied again,” Waters lied.
Before even a low-informationed talking points ms13nbc bot could accidentally do the right thing and question her further, she then turned to “the children.”
“But let’s not talk about that. Let’s focus on the children. Not the ones that Planned Parenthood slaughters in windrows...that I support. No...maybe we better not talk about that either. Let's talk about...puppy videos,” Waters said, moving away from the controversy over her comments.
Waters then burst into tears after finding out there were no puppy videos readily available at ms13nbc, because PETA considered them exploitative.
“They don’t really say that about puppy videos, do they?” Waters said of PETA between faked sniffles.  

This will probably not get Seymour one of his coveted Pulitzers, but it will get "that look" if anyone from the Waters putrid camp gets around to reading it.

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Wednesday, June 27, 2018

Queen For A Scam

Despite being related to the Royal Famdamily -- the current Queen is my 27th cousin twice removed -- the only royal famdamily I or my characters ever hear from are those from the royal realm of Scamland.

Fer instance:

From:Queen Elizabeth's Foundation
Woodlands Road
Leatherhead Court
KT22 0BN.


Congratulations The Queen Elizabeth's Foundation has chosen
you by the board of trustees as one of the final recipients
of a cash Grant/Donation for your own personal, educational,
and business development.To celebrate the newlywed couples Prince Harry and
Meghan Markle program, We are giving out a yearly donation of
Ј1,000.000.00 (One Million Great British Pounds) to
40lucky recipients, as charity donations/aid from the Queen
Elizabeth's Foundation ,ECOWAS, EU,UNICEF and the UNO in
accordance with the enabling act of Parliament, which is
part of our promotion. To file for your claim you are to
fill out below information and send it to Mr. George Wallect
The Executive Secretary Via his email contact address:

Claims Requirements:?

Fill the below:
1. Full Name:_____________________
2. Address:_____________________
3. Nationality:___________Sex:________
4. Age:________Date of Birth:___________
5. Occupation:_____________________
6. Cell Phone:___________Fax:___________
7. State of Origin:_________Country:_______

Choose from payment options and Contact the Claims
Administrator with all
your claims requirements.

(i).Bank Transfer.

(ii).Delivery of Prepaid Visa card Valued ?
Ј1,000.000.00 Pounds by a registered
Courier Company.

Best Regards:
Mr. George Wallect
Woodlands Road
Leatherhead Court
KT22 0BN.
Queen Elizabeth's Foundation for Disabled People is a
registered charity No 251051.Registered as a company limited
by guarantee in London No892013.Registered at Leatherhead
Court, Woodlands Road,Leatherhead,Surrey KT22 0BN.

A royal effort to scam tends to draw a royal effort to edit:

From: Queen Elizabeth Farted <>
Sent: Saturday, May 26, 2018 11:43 AM
Subject: Queen Elizabeth Farted And Even Phillip Is Wincing


From: Queen Elizabeth Farted And Even Phillip Is Wincing
Woodlands Road
Leatherhead Court
KT22 0BN.



The Queen Elizabeth Farted And Even Phillip Is Wincing has chosen
you by the board of trustees as the only one they could think of to
come to Buckingham Palace and rid the premises of this gnarliest of
royal farts.

At least she didn't do it during the wedding and future divorce of
Prince Harry and Meghan Markle.

We will provide you with all necessary HAZMAT gear -- of course
emblazoned with the royal crest -- and 1,000.000.00 (One Million
Great British Pounds) to come and take on this formidable and
shattering royal fart.

To foolishly agree to take this olfactory abomination on, you are
to fill out below information and send it to Mr. George Wallect
The Executive Secretary Via his email contact address:

Fill the below:
1. Full Name:_____________________
2. Address:_____________________
3. Nationality:___________Sex:________
4. Age:________Date of Birth:___________
5. Occupation:_____________________
6. Cell Phone:___________Fax:___________
7. State of Origin:_________Country:_______
8. Next of kin if overwhelmed by Fart:_______

Choose from HAZMAT options and Contact the Claims
Administrator with all your requirements.

(i). Full body protective suit with royal crest.

(ii). Just a clothes pin for your nose because you think you're
one tough bastard.

Good luck, Twat Goblin:
Mr. George Wallect
Woodlands Road
Leatherhead Court
KT22 0BN.
Queen Elizabeth Farted And Even Phillip Is Wincing Foundation which
disables anyone encountering it is a registered WMD No 251051.  Not
even Saddam, Kim Jong Un or the Iranians gots a thang to compare to
this rancid miasma.  Then again, what do you expect from a 90 plus
years old royal backside...a Glade plug-in?  The last one we tried
melted.  This offer is void where anyone more gnarly than someone
unleashing royal farts is prohibited.  Registered at Fathead
Court, Woodlands Road,Fathead,Surrey KT22 0BN.

Esta muy not bien..joly frijoles muchacho, mondo stanken whoopsen.

I really hoped to hear something back from the *foundation*, but I think they were blown away by the edit...

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Friday, June 22, 2018

time Ragazine Tanks

Small 't' time Ragazine is attempting to sink as low in the outhouse pit as cnn and the dnc.

And they're succeeding with the sinkage.

They apparently ran a cover that has POTUS looking "down" on a crying child, meant to represent an illegal immigrant child separated from her parents by this bad, bad POTUS.

Since coming out with this impropaganda cover to please their toxic democrap allies, time has caught it from all sides for joining the fake news regime.

And the photo shoppers are having a field day at time's expense.

Here's a few examples:

Of course, time Ragazine won't print anything positive and truthful about POTUS, because it doesn't fit the template that's been dictated to them by the dnc; and Antifa would probably trash their offices if time attempted to leave the fake news ghetto.

So you'll never see a fact-filled time Ragazine cover like this:

And you won't see the actual truth behind the time Ragazine cover that started all this:

And therefore, you'll never see or hear the truth about this current "crisis" from time Ragazine and their commissars monitoring their adherence to talking points.  That said, an enterprising photo shopper has given time Ragazine a cover that is as close to the real truth that the lamestream servile mediocres won't touch...because it doesn't fit the current Nazi/Communist template they are ordered to follow by the dnc.  And this one comes as close to truth as is humanly possible.

In short, THAT, ladies and gentlemen, IS the malignant face of the democrap party in 2018.

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Thursday, June 21, 2018

A Whine About Wine

This was a new one to me.  Not that it didn't end with the same old attempted-scam result.

But it was amusing, nonetheless.

Note the opening ploy by the scammer:

Dear Sir or Madam,
We would like to find some suppliers who can supply Red Wines. If your company is capable of producing or supplying, please send us your products information and catalog quotation. We need a lot of amount. Hope we will have a good cooperation . Once you get our email and if you are interested, please kindly give us a feedback.
Looking forward to hearing from you.
Best Regards.
Zhao jian hua
Tel: 0086-871-63530650
Mobile: +8613114229858 
How anyone would get my character's email address and take it for being a custom winery is clearly beyond reason for any legitimate inquirer.  I wasn't sure how the scammer planned to find out "what's in my wallet" so as to get some of it, but I've seen this scam template over construction equipment and other "catalog" items, and am pretty sure that there was some kind of licensing, sales or shipping "fee" involved.
At any rate, it was time for my character -- the antonym to wine connoisseur -- to see how far the thread would play:
My company makes widgets.  I suppose we can distill them into something akin to red wine.  How much you want?  
The scammer's response proved to me that it was "game on":

Dear Sir,  

Please send more information of your products. Like the detail information in Products kinds and name, size,specification and alcohol vol and the manufacturer year and price list. We hope you can offer the products picture information, catalog quotation and price list to us. We want to choose from them and discuss the order.  
We are a Big State Group company in Kunming, Yunnan ,China. Our company's name is Yunnan Construction And Investment Holding Group Co., Ltd. As our company has a large of employees we want to by wines for their welfare in the coming Chinese traditional festival,Mid-Autumn festival(in September), We want to buy from the producer directly. We are not the seller or the distributor. We need about 80,000 bottles of wines mixed with 6 to 8 types of wines in a middle and low prices.  
 Our terminal port is Fangcheng harbour, Guangxi province, China. I hope to cooperate with you.

Looking forward to hearing from you. 
Best Regards.
Zhao jian hua  

(Just for snorts and guffaws, I looked up the real company and found that locations, phone numbers and other lil' issues didn't match between the real and the 'fake' company that had contacted moi; and the game continues).

I have spoken with our spirits distillers and distributor, and unfortunately, we have only one brand of cabernet...but that we do have in a significant abundance, and they think that we might just be able to meet your 80,000 bottle threshold.  How quickly will you be needing delivery?  

Dear Jack Ewehoff
Thank you for your message, please give me more information as soon as possible, I hope you give me quotation as soon as possible, to facilitate our plan reference to discuss orders, received a letter from your quotation, we will soon discuss the order, looking forward to cooperating with you.

Looking forward to hearing from you.
Best Regards.
Zhao jian hua  


Okay.  We can supply you with 78,000 bottles of our premier KaBOOM Farms signature label Ack Wine -- 47% alcohol by volume -- in the unique two liter bottles for a bulk price of $1.99 per bottle, and we can have this ready to ship by June 15, 2021.  Connoisseurs all agree that after one taste of Ack Wine, you'll agree.  You in?  


Dear Jack Ewehoff,
 Thanks for your letter. Can you tell me your company information? We are discussing the order. And we hope you can list out the products and its information in detail. As like: Product name :    size of bottle :750ml or 2L? produce year:  Price/bottle:  Present stock:   Hope you can send the information we need. And also can you send us the picture of your wine? we want to see its apearance and packaging. 

Looking forward to hearing from you.
Best Regards.
Zhao jian hua  


We will attempt to comply with all of your requests.  Our wine is a bit volatile in the early fermentation phase, so bear with us.  


Dear Jack Ewehoff,

 Thanks for your letter. As we have inquiry you for a while and we get nothing about your products and your company. The festival is approaching, I hope you can send the information we need as quick for the folowwing cooperation. 
Looking forward to hearing from you.    

We're working very hard to overcome production bottlenecks and experimenting with accelerated fermentation processes with a couple new vintages we're trying.  Hope to have some good news for you soonest.    
Dear Jack Ewehoff,

Thanks for your letter.  We can understand you. But when will we start this cooperation and when will we can discuss the order without your products information? 
Looking forward to hearing from you.  


We just want to make sure that we can meet your order requirements in a timely and consumable fashion.  80,000 two liter bottles of wine is quite an undertaking in any vineyard.  Even one that uses self-fermentating substances.  

Dear Jack Ewehoff,
nks for your letter. BUt we need about 85,000 bottles of wines and the size is 750ml not 2 L. Hope you can understand.

Looking forward to hearing from you.  

*!!?*  In one of your earlier missives, you said 80,000.  Now it's 85,000?

My fermenters will have to go into overtime mode to have any prayer of reaching that goal.

It may increase my cost of production, increasing the per bottle to $2.99, but I will see what

specials Taco Bell is running.  

Dear Jack Ewehoff,
nks for your letter. Sorry our demand is big as we have a lot of employees and we need give them present at the Mid-autum festival. And our order depends on your product quality and also the container. Hope you can send the product quoattaion to us. Can you?

Looking forward to hearing from you.  
We are fermenting contents and manufacturing bottles just as fast as we can.  
Dear Jack Ewehoff,
We have been kept in touch for a long time and I hope that you can send us a price list as soon as possible. Waiting for your reply.

Looking forward to hearing from you.  

Our liter bottles are $1.99 and our two liter bottles are $2.99

Bottles by the case are discounted 10%.

Bottles by the pallet load are discounted 15%.

Bottles that don't explode in transit are discounted 35%.
Bottles that do explode in transit are full price.  
Dear Jack Ewehoff,
Thanks Jack and we want 88,000 bottles by the pallet and we want the bottle size in normal 750ml. Can you give us a pricelist according to our demand?
Looking forward to your reply. it's 88,000?  F**k me to tears...I already sent you the price list.  The bottles will be boxed by the dozen and shipped by the pallet, aboard a special wine carrier chartered for the trip to China.  750 ml bottles?  Ours are close enough to qualify. 

The deal:  88,000 750 ml bottles at $1.99 per bottle = $175,120.

Less bulk discount of 15% = $26,268

Total cost to you:  $148,852
Two types of wine equally apportioned:
Ack Wine (chardonnay)
KaBOOM Farms Summer Storm Methane Wine (white)
I promise you that these brands will enliven your festival like no other.  

Dear Jack Ewehoff
Thank you for your timely response, I need you to give me a clear price list, so convenient for our confirmation order the product name, unit price, alcohol content, capacity, so that we can clear to send you the order, looking forward to you to give me a price list as soon as possible, happy cooperation!

Looking forward to your reply.  

I already sent you that, but I will send it again.  The price per bottle is $1.99 (we only make the good stuff); this is for 750 ml bottles.  Twelve to a case.  For your earlier request, here is how it breaks down:

The deal:  88,000 750 ml bottles at $1.99 per bottle = $175,120.

Less bulk discount of 15% = $26,268
Total cost to you:  $148,852
Two types of wine equally apportioned:
Ack Wine (chardonnay)
KaBOOM Farms Summer Storm Methane Wine (white)
 Finally, this email confirms that we're getting closer to the gist of the scam:

Sorry, Jack, there must be some misunderstandings between us and after the discussion of our broad of directors, we confirmed the order. Meanwhile, we have drafted a draft contract both in English and Chinese enclosed. If you have any corrections, your gentle corrections will be accepted. If you have any questions, please do not hesitate to contact with me. We will communicate with each other and complete the consensus together.
Our board of directors are very concerning about our between cooperation. We also invite you to come to China to sign the contract soon. We hope you can arrange everything well and come to Kunming soon to sign the contract in person. It is important and essential to sign the contract face to face which is either good or a grantee to both of us. We can have a good talk in a meeting and communicate more details in a better way.
If an invitation is needed, please send us your passport information for us to make the invitation.
I am looking for having a long and stable business relationship with you and have a good cooperation.

and he adds this for 'authentication':

So now that we're tantalizingly close to the 'scam' being sprung, let's make it easy for them:
It will be difficult for me to get away to travel to China to sign off on this.  Perhaps you have a local attorney available to act as a go-between who can do this on my behalf?

And this is where it rested for three days, until I received this "great awakening" email from the scammer:

You are not honorable. We research and find there is no KaBOOM Farms winery list in USA. You are no to communicate with us further.  

I always love it when a scammer says that me/my character(s) are "not honorable".  That's like Jim Acosta from cnn wanting to be taken seriously.

I didn't bother bringing up to the emailer that I'd already researched HIS company and found next to nothing matching up with the real one vs his...but -- and naturally -- my character couldn't leave well enough alone: 

 Hey, I told you that my company made widgits, and I'd see about adapting to manufacturing wine. If you had paid attention, you'd have understood that. Too bad too: we just took out a patent on the very first wine ever made from human methane. We're also distilling cow methane into wine. KaBOOM Farms lives and will be making noise on the spirits front for a long time to come. You swing and a miss and strike out, hokay?

Thousands of bottles of wine on the wall...that fart when you open them.  They do make my pet rock laugh...


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