Monday, January 15, 2018

Secret Scamming Man

The scammer clearly didn't think this one through.  Or perhaps he just didn't think it beyond the first firing synapse.

In any event, it was a *FAIL* from the git go.

I think you'll see why as you review his ploy:



    DEPARTMENT OF THE TREASURY
    Sir,
    ...
    We write to inform you concerning the fax message we received from the
    United Nations Group about your Overdue failed payments transfer which
    several files were submitted to us for proper verification and
    gratification.

    This will also interest you to know that your payment file was included
    which valued $15.5M only, as we have tried every possible means to contact
    with you but it became futile.

    Without much procrastination,we would like you to preview us with your
    verdict about the failed payment on your won side,though we have got some
    clues from the UN as we still reserve that respect to know from you
    concerning the upsurge so that we could make that reconciliation

    accordingly enable you receive your payment.
    Finally,you are herein implore to quickly upon receipt of this mail,get in
    touch with us for proper payment direction and formation accordingly as
    further procrastination would deprive you of the exercise.

    Truly Your's
    Dr James A. Bond
    DEPARTMENT OF THE TREASURY  



    The Dr and middle initial A weren't enough to distract one from the intent of the email; but it was the iconic name that ruined it for the scammer.

    Bond...James Bond.

    And using that as a springbroad -- 007 fans will know what I just did there -- my pet rock, Seymour, made full use of the ill-chosen name of our scammer in the edit:



    DEPARTMENT OF THE PLEURISY

    Sir/Ma'am/Gender Neutral Appropriate,

    ...

    I took pen in hand and forgot that Q turned it into a small nuclear device

    capable of rearranging Newark in a manure that has been in several of my

    movies...so after rehab and a sh*tload of make up, I'm back on a note pad

    that Q has not put any gadgetry into yet. I hope.





    We write to inform you concerning the fax message we received from the

    United Nations Group about the evil empire, SPECTATOR – a small tater in

    some venues – that you have overdue barking tickets because your pet cat

    with self identity issues has been balancing near a civil defense siren at 3am

    and using it as a bullhorn to demonstrate his other dog imitation near the

    park.


    WTF is up with that please?





    You're overdue for proper verification and gratification and I hope you

    don't hold all my previous movie liaisons with starlets or the exhaust

    pipe of that Yugo in Miami (reference my movie, The Fly That Bugged Me)

    against me when we get around to that. But I digress.



    This will also interest you to know that your payment file was included

    in a McDonalds Happy Meal which was delivered to Kim Jong Un two

    weeks ago and sent him off on another one of his rants which ended by

    his ordering the execution of the Happy Meal by him eating it. Unfortunately,

    he ate your payment file and little figurine of Ronald McDonald doing

    something unspeakable to a kumquat at the same time.





    He's still mad about that.

     
    Without much procrastination, we would like you to preview us with your

    verdict about the movie when I save the world from Uranus using a

    Q inspired Salad Shooter upgrade and music by Weird Al Yankedhisvic.

    My boss O – M retired and became a fan dancer at the Copa CaWTF in

    Pahrump, NV – have got some clues from the UN as to what the

    definition of frappachinoflatulatoryexpostfacto is, but we still reserve

    that respect to know from you concerning the upsurge so that we could

    make one without wiping out Broomfield.


    Finally, you are herein implored to quickly upon receipt of this mail,

    not turn it over some yutz with a pet rock for denigrating editing,

    because that bastard does this to us all the time, and it hurts our very

    sensitive feelings. What's more – no relation to Roger – further

    procrastination would deprive you of the exercise that causes toe

    cramps.

    Truly. 


    I have the honor to be this week,

    Dr James A. Bond
    DEPARTMENT OF THE PLEURISY


    ..next week I might be an army genital in Liechtenstein with an offer you can't refuse...

Bond...Dr. A Bond...didn't bother to reply.  I seriously doubt that SPECTATOR will, either.

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Friday, January 12, 2018

A Tale of Two Buttons

In a couple of recent online articles, Russia's Vladimir "Rootin' Tootin'" Putin speculated that in the verbal exchange between North Korean pudgepot Kim Jong Un and American POTUS Donald Trump over whose got the best button, Un won the skirmish.

Righhhhhhhhht.

And Hellary Clinton is president.




My pet rock, Seymour -- never one to miss an opportunity to tweak the North Korean leader of dubious antecedence -- felt that it was once again time for a little creative editing in the wake of ol' Vlad's drivel.


Anonymous Sources In North Korea Tell of Anti-aircraft Gun Ammo Shortages Due In Part To Buttons

By Seymour PetRock – WTFNS

January 11, 2018


Anonymous sources in North Korea – outside of government, as there can be no others – report that the North Korean Air Defense Command (OHPHUK) reported to government officials a severe shortage of anti-aircraft weapons ammunition of all calibers recently after a military readiness exercise revealed no readiness whatsoever when none of the guns were able to fire on towed targets.

South Korea’s spy agency unveiled what they believe to be the reason: executions by anti-aircraft gun have become SOP for the Imperious Leader, Kim Jong Un, exhausting the supply. 
 
And the tempo of executions is being stepped up in the wake of Kim Jong Un's rage over finding out that his nuclear button isn't bigger than American president Donald Trump's, let alone the fact that President Trump's button works.

Kim Jong Un wants President Trump's button...

Kim pulled out the anti-aircraft gun for the execution of five senior officials, charged with submitting false progress reports on the status of Kim Jong Un's desk mounted nuclear button, according to South Korea’s National Intelligence Service (NIS).

North Korea anonymous sources say that after hearing what he considered to be a vainglorious boast by President Trump, Kim Jong Un rushed back to his desk to test his button, only to find that it didn't work.


Only one missile launched, and all it did was take out a fertilizer factory outside of Wonsan.

Afterward, as Kim Jong Un sat at his desk, morosely and repeatedly pushing his “useress button”, he ordered the executions of the five men responsible for the over optimistic report. This was in addition to the 2,000 persons of various positions and roles throughout the country that Kim Jong Un demanded be executed via the guns in the weeks previous.

“I have a quota to keep” Un was heard to mutter as he continued morosely depressing his “useress button”.


The false data provided by the officials is in response to the state of “enraged” they face when reporting truth and accuracy to the young despot Kim Jong-un. “They simply can't win” said a source with South Korea's NIS.

The NIS did not reveal how it obtained information regarding the most recent executions other than by the noise coming from well inside the so-called 'demilitarized zone' north of the 38th Parallel. As inside information about the internal affairs of the reclusive North Korean state is hard to come by, the accuracy of such reports is usually supplemented by the sound of anti-aircraft gun fire to a certain -- okay, a large -- extent.

Kim Jong Un reportedly has an affinity for killing people with anti-aircraft guns, since his demand for the high energy plasma weapon used in an old Star Trek episode (TOS) by Romulans has not yet been made available by North Korean scientists.


Experiments with his other idea -- a ramped up Salad Shooter -- was a "totar frop", costing North Korea more weapons scientists.



Since he took power in 2011, Kim Jong-un is suspected to have executed at least 300,000 people, among which are around 140 senior officials, in an attempt to secure his grip on unreality.

While Kim has a certain love for the anti-aircraft gun, North Korea has many execution methods. Some people have been sat on by a 500 pound Korean dressed to look like Hellary Clinton, and others have been executed by being put in a secure room 24/7 and forced to listen to William Shatner sing. Former Vice Minister of the Army Kim Chol and former Deputy Defense Minister Kim Yong Chun were obliterated by being forced to watch The View. Former Deputy Minister of Public Security O Sang-hon was forced to receive tweets from Nancy Pelosi until he turned an anti-aircraft gun on himself.

Seymour is absolutely no closer to a Pulitzer, but he might get a cameo in Team America World Police II, if it's ever made.


"PHFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT!"

Danged if that didn't sound just like a North Korean anti-aircraft gun...

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Tuesday, January 9, 2018

In Accordance With Editing

2018 hasn't changed a bit.

Not so far as scammer emails go.  Just as peculiar as always.

Take this one, titled as it was from a most unusually named scamstress of dubious everythingdence:


In accordance to my religious persuasion, I felt expedient to write and inform you on the wicked conspiracy hatched by the duo of (Mr.Anthony and Mr. Hassan ) from Ministry Of Finance to divert your funds to their designated account in Cayman Island but unfortunately, they begin to find it difficult to divert the funds due to their inability to provide an adequate identity of the funds, they now moved the funds down to Africa and hide it in a security company in other to buy time to enable them embezzle the funds at their own convenient time, but God stopped them.

From my position as a lowly clerk in this office, Miami Finance Department (444 SW 2nd Ave, Miami, FL 33130, USA), I discovered that the duo criminals moved the fund from United States to China, and then moved it again to Banco Italiano in ITALY. Yesterday, I found out through the Central computer database that they are about to reroute the funds to a security company in Republique Du Benin where they will be able to maneuver the strict IMF money laundering regulatory orders. With this, I felt that it is important for me to alert you on this development. They are still using your name and contract/inheritance identification number as the beneficiary but they have changed the account co-ordinate and this is the reason why they are frustrating you by delaying the transfer of your funds to you, so in order to buy time pending on when they will transfer your funds to their designated account.

I have the reference number of the transaction and also I have the number of the official who is directly in charge at the SECURITY COMPANY. Your payment is supposed to go through the Euro-Asia Credit Control Financial Clearing Department before final Lodgement into the security company. All the data/information about your funds file are within my reach. I do not need gratification from you either in cash or kind. I can never be a part of evil because the bible said YE SHALL KNOW THE TRUTH AND THE TRUTH SHALL SET YOU FREE.

Please respect my discretion in this matter! I will send you the reference number, the name and contact information of the officials of the security company were they kept your funds in Republique Du Benin when I receive your response. I repeat, please do not expose my person, it is not easy to get employment around here and I cannot contend with these powerful individuals because they can eliminate me.

You are advice to reply me immediately at (mollyvariantofmary@aol.com) as I access this e-mail more often.

God bless you,
Molly Variant Of Mary  



My pet rock, Seymour, said that this one was way too peculiar for him to edit.

"Did NOT!!!  PHFFFFFFFFFFFT!!!"

At any rate, I turned it over to my primary character that loves to respond to these with edits as off the wall as Seymour ever is:


From: In accordance to my religious persuasion <mr.john_fkelly@yahoo.com>
Sent: Monday, November 27, 2017 6:49 AM
Subject: In accordance to my religious persuasion's perverse practices with sheep and kumquats
 

Hello douche of my wet dreams,

In accordance to my religious persuasion's perverse practices with sheep and kumquats.  I felt expedient to write and inform you on the wicked conspiracy hatched by the duo of Mr. Fast Marc Antony and Mr. Fingering Self Hassan from Ministry Of Menstrual Queefs to divert your family's long ancestral history of collecting lacquered sea gull dung in the Cayman Island but unfortunately, they begin to find it difficult to do anything with this collection because there is such a global dearth of interest in shit like that.  So they decided to move the collection to Africa and hide it in a security facility guarded by a company of Samsonite luggage destroying apes to buy time to enable them to find something worthy to embezzle at their own convenient time, but God stopped them with one of the most gnarly farts the cosmos has ever seed.

From my position as a lowly clerk in this office, The Greater Miami Finance of Lacquered Feces Department (444 SW 2nd Ave, Miami, FL 33130, USA), I discovered that the duo criminals moved the collection from United States to China, and then moved it again to Banco Italiano in ITALY, only to move it to Vaduz in LIECHTENSTEIN, from whenst they then had it shipped to North Korea as a shipment of McDonalds Quarter Pounders with Cheese. Yesterday, I found out through the Central computer database that they had to quickly get the shipment out of North Korea because Kim Jong Un heard about it and showed up with a napkin and a grain shovel and honnnnngry like the wolf.  Now they have the collection ensconced in a vault in in Republique Du Benin where they will be able to maneuver around age and primate restrictions under the strict IMF lacquered sea gull dung laundering regulatory orders.

With this, I felt that it is important for me to alert you on this underdevelopment and suggest that a good used Yugo might be the better option.

They are still using your name and identification number which they purchased at a lice market in Sheboygan but they have changed the account co-ordinate and this is the reason why they are frustrating you by now planning to ship the collection to Tahiti in order to buy time in which to figure out WTF got them into this dog 'n pony crotch show in the first place and buy them additional time to try for something a bit more fiscally feasible, like finding a Syrian football team that will hire Colin Kaepernick.

I have the reference number and photos of the two leaving a Motel 6 in Chappaqua with Hellary Clinton and an inflatable Harvey Weinstein at 3am on November 10 of this year;  also I have the number of the official who is directly in charge of that Motel 6 who has a set of the same pictures.  Mine are cheaper but you better hurry because Bill Clinton has offered me two female intern genital humidors in exchange for the photos and a date with my executive secretary.

Incredible as all this sounds, there's more:  act now and at a nominal extra charge you can get a free 30 minute consultation with our attorney, Steve Dallas, when you are accused of sexual harassment 45 years ago at a bar in Butte, Montana, by someone you were sure was a sheep in that bar lighting, and now thinks you resemble Al Franken.  

God tells me that I do not need gratification from you either in cash or kind. I can never be a part of evil because the bible said YE SHALL KNOW THE TRUTH AND FIND THAT GOOD GOLLY MISS MOLLY IS MORE FUN AFTER A COUPLE TEQUILAS.  However, if you want to pay me for bailing you out of all this shit, send me $500 and a picture of Kathy Griffin getting groped by Al Franken.  I'm strangely turned on by ugly women like her.

Please respect my discretion in this matter! Please do not expose my person, it is not easy to get employment around here since Hellary lost her pull at the DNC after I helped Wikileaks get her emails and conveniently blamed the Russians for that.  Hellary has a knack of leaving a trail of smashed lamps and hit orders in her angry wake, when she's not falling down and committing verbal gaffes during moments outside her personal asylum for the criminally Clinton.

You are advice to reply me immediately at (mollyvariantofmary@aol.com) as I access this e-mail more often...at least until I read what you dun to my email, Ma.

Gesundloose,
Molly Variant Of Mary
Other variants available for primate showings; to request that email the above and say the code phrase cnn sucks.



Rumor has it that Gloria Allred will be representing that bar-lit sheep in an upcoming press CONNference, and Al Franken is starting to worry about his chances of surviving Hellary in 2020.

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Saturday, January 6, 2018

The Pet Rock vs Kim Jong Un in 2018 - I

2018 was not going to go on long before my "editing gone wild" pet rock, Seymour, took his customary poke at North Korean douche nozzle Kim Jong Un, after Un was particularly stupid in comments he made about his nation's nuclear capabilities.

It delighted Seymour that the POTUS was quick to seize on Kim Jong Un's delusions, and tweet about them.

So Seymour donned his editor hat and went to town thus:


North Korea Fouls Itself after Twitter Exchange Between Their Supreme Pudginator and the American POTUS
By Seymour PetRock -- WTFNS


Forget reaching the US mainland, numerous errant North Korean missiles go rogue all the time and blow up a city not far from the capital, Pyongyang, according to a report.

A WTFWongWithDat-12 intermediate-range ballistic missile turned itself into a very-short-range Taco Bell burrito fart when it failed during a test flight on April 28, 2017, and slammed into the city of Tokchon, according to The DOH! magazine.

The missile, which was launched from the Won Puk Dung airfield, flew like a drunken sea gull just 24 miles before taking a nosedive and striking a complex of industrial or outhouse buildings, the mag reported.

According to a US government source with knowledge of Nancy Pelosi's brand of botox, the missile’s designer has been executed by Kim Jong Un a minute after the errant flight.

The location of the missile’s impact was revealed exclusively to The DOH! which said it corroborated the flub using commercially unavailable satellite imagery that bounced off Stephen Colbert's ears in May 2017.

Although the images show that the explosion caused heavy damage in the heavily populated area, there is no way to tell if it led to casualties because no one's talking among those it fell on.

Had the missile successfully completed its test flight, it would have landed in the northern part of Wonsan.

Various media outlets around the world suppressed reports about the failed test — the third involving the WTFWongWithDat-12 — at the time because details about where the missile fell could not be massaged into a "blame Trump" narrative even after Wikileaks leaked it from the Russians who leaked it from the Clinton Globull Initiative Floundation, who got it from abject nincompoops at cnn.

Fearing such a frop, North Korean despot Kim Jong Un chose to claim that the missile came down right were it was supposed to.

“ I never riked that town anyway” North Korean media source KGAG reported Kim as saying after the frub. The reclusive regime now uses several new test sites, including Pyongyang’s Dennis Rodman Airport, which also serves as the country’s McDonalds Quarter Pounder with Cheese delivery hub and entry point for most non-thinking visitors.

Despite several failures, a WTFWongWithDat-12 continues to be tested and will continue to be tested until it quits blowing up portions of North Korea and starts killing fish at sea.

North Korea’s aggressive failed missile testing ratcheted up tensions between Pyongyang and Washington only because during a televised speech, Kim declared: “The United States can never fight a war against me and our state. It should properly know that the whole territory of the US is within the range of our nuclear strike and a nuclear button is always on the desk of my office, and this is just a reality, not a threat.”

President Trump was quick to tweak the North Korean pudgmeister.

“North Korean Leader Kim Jong Un just stated that the ‘Nuclear Button is on his desk at all times.’ Will someone from his depleted and food starved regime please inform him that I too have a Nuclear Button, but it is a much bigger & more powerful one than his, and my Button works!”

Upon hearing that, Kim Jong Un fired and executed his entire public relations staff, and is now rumored to be working on hiring Hellary Clinton's crimepaign staff from 2016, at the behest of cnn.


At this rate, I'm not sure who'll be targeting Seymour next...Kim Jong Un or the nincompoops at cnn.

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Wednesday, January 3, 2018

Them Negative Waves Still Ain't Makin' It

You tell 'em, Oddball.

Negative waves didn't get it done in 1970, and they're no more woof woof in 2018.

But "General" David Rodriguez had to learn that the hard way.  Kinda like Moriarty.

Here was the opening gambit by the 'General':


I’m Gen.David Rodriguez from united state, I serve under the United Nations department of safety and security (UNDSS) in Syria, I came across some money that was parked in a trunk box and the money is worth $10.5million, in one of President Bashar al-Assads allies house and I have moved the money out to a Global Delivery Company as a medical equipment, I`m looking for a trust worthy person that i can trust the above money with him or her for safe keeping pending when my arrival to your country for investment in a profitable business.I will reward you with %25 of the total sum.

If you can help me to receive the trunk box in your country,kindly get back to me through my Email,( gendavidrodrigueez@gmail.com ) and if you are not ready for the assistance please and please do not let this be known to the world, for the security of my work in US Army.

send to me these information's:

NAME IN FULL:...............
ADDRESS:...............
NATIONALITY:...........
AGE:..................
OCCUPATION:................
PHONE......................

Yours sincerely.
Gen.David Rodriguez.  



Sounds convincing, don't he? 

*snort*

Let's see how his reading comprehension is:


I could tell that you're a genital from the united state.  It's all in your military bearing and lingo.  


Asked and answered:


Hi Dear,

My Greetings to you.

I`m deeply indebted for your responds to my message and I wish to see
you in person one good day.  because once you received the Trunk Box
from the delivery company, i will immediately take permission from my
superior, and  come over to you, so that both of us will plan on how
to invest this money in a good business. Attached with this mail are
my pictures also my Id card for your view and record keeping, i will
also want to see yours as well.

Meanwhile,Please fill in your full name on the two spaces and send the
message to the Global Delivery Company for them to commence on the
delivery to your destination without further delay. Also let me know
and send copy of the message to me as soon as you send it to the
company.

Global Delivery Company email address: ( globalfirmw@financier.com )

Best Wishes.
General, David Rodriguez.


.........................................................


Dear Sir,

My name is………………………………from………………………………a friend of. General David
Rodriguez, of US Army in Syria & I am contacting in Respect of His
Trunk Box, which is under the Global Delivery Company Custody. I have
been authorized to receive it here in my country. Please send me the
details on how to receive the trunk box and I will get back to you as
soon as possible.

(A) Full Name:.............
(B) Address:................
(C) Phone Number:......

Treat as urgent.

My regards.  


He even tried to buttress his cred with a photo ID:

And a photo of his with the former doofus in chief:



Not only did it fail in epic proportions, ol' Georgie Patton would have slapped this yutz all the way back to Sicily.


Instead, I decided to channel Oddball, when I edited the email I was supposed to send to the Global Delivery Company:


Dear Sir,

My name is………Kelly………………………from………US Army………………………working for Genital David Rodriguez, of US Army in France and I am leading a ragtag platoon to a bank in
Claremont -- the Genital's staff pronounces it "Clarmon" -- where there's 16 million in
gold just waiting to be picked up. 
 
 
Crapgame is going with us because such a venture needs a sound financial mind along in case there's a bonus.  And a lot of help carrying the .30 caliber machine gun.
 
 
Oddball is going to join us providing armored support since he's been holding himself in reserve, in case the krauts launch an offensive that threatens Paris, or maybe even New York, then he
can move in and stop them.
 
 
 But for $16 million dollars, he and his men can become heroes for three days.  Big Joe lends a good head for tactics, and because they always need a loud mouth sergeant for stuff like this. I have been authorized to receive it here in my country but since it's in a bank behind enema lines, it could be the perfect crime this way. Please send me the details on how to drink wine, eat cheese and catch
some rays, y'know.  Do that and I will get back to you as soon as possible.

(A) Full Name:.............Kelly
(B) Address:................US Army
(C) Phone Number:......once I get to Masseureaux I can call you with dat

 Treat as urgent.

My regards.
Kelly 'n his 'heroes'  
 
 
As unmilitary as the 'Genital' sounded, perhaps my edit of his letter to the delivery company sounded a little bit too much so.
 
At any rate, all the positive waves he might have had about that mother beautiful bridge still being there...went negative when it weren't.  And while the 'Genital' might blame me for that, I naturally refer him to Moriarity, the master of the negative waves.
 
Welcome to 2018.  Woof woof woof.  That's his other dawg imitation.

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Sunday, December 31, 2017

And On THAT Note...

2017 has been one for the books.

And tweets.

And total implosions on the Left.  Along with a fair number on the Right.

Now, in keeping with all the rage in the American lamestream servile mediocre world of fauxjournalism, the North Korean douche canoe, Kim Jong Un, adds his hash tag to the mix:

#me-too

He has accused Kanye West of indecency with him and presents these photos as proof.

No, he doesn't say WHEN or WHERE or WHY or even a Korean version of WTF.  He just insists that the "photos speak for themserves".

If he sees any photos of Al Franken grabbing for his photo shops, he'll accuse him as well.


"Photos don't rie" Un insists.

Well, Kimster, some photos don't "rie":



And some photos kinda sorta do:



Again...some photos don't "rie":


And some photos...kinda sorta do:


Don't "rie":


Do "rie":


Don't "rie":


Do "rie":


Incidentally, it was my pet rock, Seymour, that insisted we help Kim Jong Un understand the difference between believable photos and touched up ones.

"Did NOT!!!  PHFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT!!!!"

And on THAT note, Happy New Year, folks.  Not that I expect 2018 to be one whit better.  Only weirder.

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Thursday, December 28, 2017

They Didn't Dream of This...

What red blooded male wouldn't want to find a bottle, open it, and have HER come out?

Okay, a few of the obvious ones.

But a scammer never saw this angle coming.  Or breathing hard.

Get a load of a scammer who claims to be a genealogist, and found my character's name might have a connection to a wealthy estate:
Greetings from Mark & Woods Ltd,

Mark & Woods Genealogical Investigators specializes in probate research to locate missing heirs and beneficiaries to estates in the United Kingdom and Europe.


We can also help you find wills, obtain copies of certificates, help you to administer an estate, as well as calculating how an estate, intestacy or trust should be distributed.


You may be entitled to a large pay out for an inheritance in the Europe worth US$9.2 million. We have discovered an estate belonging to a deceased, which has remained unclaimed since he died in 2006 and we have strong reasons to believe you are the closest living relative to the deceased we can find.


You may unknowingly be the heir of this person who died without leaving a will (intestate). We will conduct a probate research to prove your entitlement, and can submit a claim on your behalf at no risk to you.


Our service fee of 10% of the Estate and will only be paid to us after you have received the estate. The estate transfer process should take just a matter of days as we have the mechanism and expertise to get this done very quickly. This message may come to you as a shock; however we hope to work with you to transfer the estate to you as quickly as possible.


Feel free to email our senior case worker Mr. mark Craig on email: mark_craig@dbzmail.com for further discussions.


With warm regards,


Mr. Mark B.T. Craig, CEO.


Mark & Woods Ltd.  



Righhhhht.  My character's name came up in THEIR genealogical search for a multi-million dollar estate overseas.

Only a dolt that thinks Hellary Clinton is the smartest woman on Earth would fall for that.

So it was time for an edit...one that played on the service the scammer claimed to be providing.  Just not how it was bein' offered:

 
Greetings from Marked & Other Woods Ltd,

Marked & Other Woods Ltd Genie-ological Investigators specializes in prostrate research to locate missing genies stuck in bottles, boxes, botas, bongs...from the Middle East to the Far East, Near East, the East United Kingdom and...well, f**k...the western parts of alla dem too.

We can also help you find wills, won'ts, whyfornots, photoshop copies of certificates, help you to administer an enema, as well as calculating how an enema -- in or out -- should be distributed.

You may be entitled to largesse beyond your wildest dreams if you find a real genie. If you find something that looks like Osama bin Laden...well, that's a bottle you shoulda put down and backed away from really slowly, since that foulness on his breath is his 72 virgin camels and fact is..they weren't virgin.


We have discovered an estate with a container that kinda sorta looks a little tad bit like there might be a genie therein it; of course, it could also be an unopened bottle of Boone's Farm Blue, circa 1969, that is just waiting to be opened to unleash the grapes of wrath...which at 99 cents a bottle, would be rather wrathful being bottled up since '69.

At any rate, we have strong reasons to believe you are the closest living bone head to take a chance on opening the container we can find.

You may unknowingly be the heir of I Dream Of Jeannie, circa 1969; or a demonic wildebeest hairball, which is what Boone's Farm is allegedly distilled from.



We will conduct a prostate research to prove you have one and are therefore entitled to a shot at the container, and what ecstasy or agonies it contains therein. What's more, we can submit a claim on your behalf at no risk to you until you open it.

At that, we be outta there in case it's the demonic wildebeest hairball.

Our service fee of 10% of what a genie grants you for your first wish will only be paid to us after you have found that it IS a genie in the container and not a demonic wildebeest hairball. We waive all fees if it's the latter. In fact, we don't know you...we never knew you...just who in the f**k ARE you?
 
 


The process should take just a matter of days as we have the mechanism and expertise to monumentally screw the pooch very quickly if it's a negative outcome. At that point, what's negative that came out is all yours.


This message may come to you as a shock; all that much more if it's a demonic wildebeest hairball in that thing.

Feel free to email our senior case worker Mr. Mark Craig who has a mondo hard-on, hoping it's Jeannie in there, on email: mark_craig@dbzmail.com for further disgusting nonsense.

With regards of likely dubious sorts,

Mr. Mark B.T. Craig, CEO.
Marked & Other Woods Ltd
"We dream of Jeannies; we f**king FREAK at demonic wildebeest hairballs!"  


The scammer genealogist quickly decided that a follow up contact with my character was NOT in his best interest.  I'm sure the picture of that hairball did it...

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Friday, December 22, 2017

Talking Desks Lose Every Time

Yet another talking desk from the UN High Commission.

It hasn't learned any better than the previous talking desks did:   FREE TOASTER with EVERY SCAM wins EVERY TIME!

But...no free toaster....*BUZZZZZZER*.

Here's the effort:

From the desk of Dr.Richard Lynn
United Nation High Commission
405 East 42nd Street, New York
Email : info.unhighcommission01@gmail.com
Phone :  +1682-808-6595
Attn :  Jack,
I,am Mr.Richard Lynn the newly appointed head of operation United Nation High Commission west African region.It was recently brought to my notice by the ministry of foreign affairs commission in regulation to debt,contract/inheritance management that your over due contract payment total sum of US$20,500,000.00 that was supposed to be released by the Rhochevilles Western Bank has been recently placed on holed by the authority to regulate monitory policies attached to International transfer of funds.
hOwever,I have thoroughyly done my investigation lately and realize that your paying Bank did not emply the proper agencies that is in position to endorse your final fund release authority therby making the government to raise eyebrow by putting a stop order of the said fund to protect you from any breach of the law against Money laundry
act or terrorism.
Henceforth,it is important for you to note that the United  antion High commission has been officially assigned to handle issue related to the transfer/delivery of your payment with your payment Bank and will also guide and protect your interest pending when you have confirmed and receive payment/transfer of your fund.
Note,that you must report and forward any further correspondence you receive from anyone or group of people claiming to have the said payment in their possession to prevent impostors/hoodlums taking adavantage of you.
All legal modalities and document's attached to the release of your payment will be procurred and endorsed by the United Nations High Commission's before presenting them to the Bank for immediate release of your payment but you must ensure to reconfirm the information's listed below for onward processing of this exercise in your favor.
1.Your full names and address
2.Age and occupation
3.A copy of your drivers license or passport for proper identification
4.Next of kin name and age
5.Private mobile numbers for easy communication
Information's contained in this message are highly confidential for security purposes you are been advised to keep this transaction urtmost secrecy to avert a thrid party from hijacking your payment.
Confirm receipt of this message and get back to us immediately or call as a matter of urgency.
Dr.Richard Lynn  
 
 
Instead of any chance of back 'n forth, I opted for an edit that at least made passing mention of the free toaster:
 
 
From: Richard Lynn <un.teamsecretary@hotmail.com>
Sent: Thursday, October 12, 2017 3:50 PM
To: longnecked.mofo.gopherpokers101@hotmail.com
Subject: A desk -- yes, furniture -- is about to tell you what the moron sitting behind it can't from United Nations High Commission
 
 
From the desk of Dr. Richard Lynn
one stupid useless mofo occupying space
United Nation High Commission
405 East 42nd Street, New York
Email : info.unhighcommission01@gmail.com
Phone :  +1682-808-6595
Attn : 
I am the inanimate desk of the abject dunce, Mr. Richard Lynn, who because he had pictures of the UN genital suckretary leaving a Motel 6 at 3:45AM with a yak and inflatable Hellary sex toy, is the newly appointed head-up-ass of operation United Nation High Commission west African region.
I needed oxygen after just reading that, and I'm a f**king desk.
It was recently brought to my notice by the menstrual activities of Mr. Richard Lynn, that he was Mrs. Virginia Slim until hearing Ashley Judd go Hellary Clinton on a twat waffle.  That's when she decided to did it.
It really don't pay to be a desk in places like this or around Bill Clinton.
As a desk, I was supposed to inform you of some batshit cra-cra about a ministry of foreign affairs with goats or sheep or some other kinky sh*t commission, and how regulation to douche nozzles means little more than a three peckered goat being turned loose in a ewe convent under contract or some such hooha.  It's all in the disclaimer that isn't attached to this email because I'm a desk not a gawddamned f**king lawyer of dubious antecedence that gives away a free toaster for the first consultation.  Anyway, you didn't inheritance, inheritize or inherent anything that management can't treat with double shots of tequila after work...or even during it. 
If you've never heard of the Rhochevilles Western Bank, relax; not even I had before this.  I think it's Polish and located in Uganda.  They had an apple..and a pen...apple pen...uhh.
hOwever,I have thoroughyly done my best desk investigation lately and realize that none of this sh*t makes one cat crazy ounce of sense.  Kinda like saying  "what?" and some fat guy with a bat yelling "second base!"  But did you know -- and I bet you didn't because I'm telling you something that my menstrual sitter just made up -- that your paying Bank did not know that fallopian tubes were NOT used for firing mortars at enema positions in Liechtenstein?  Or that they had a Money laundry there that guaranteed one day turn around on all your counterfeit bills, petes and other names.
Some consider that an act or terrorism.  I consider terrorism anytime someone sitting at me farts.
Henceforth,it is important for you to note that the United  Nation High commission has been fired and sent to North Korea to wind up in Kim Jong Il's shark tank with what's left of Hans Brix.
Yeah, I saw that movie too, and agree that Pearl Harbor and Ben Afflac sucked.  Him and his pervert friend Harvey.
 Note that you must report and forward any further correspondence you receive from female desks that I might find RrroWWWR Rrrowwrr.  Just cuz I'm a desk don't mean I don't like to get some inserts now and again.  Roll tops...kinky.
All legal modalities and documents attached to a house cat will be shredded in short order.  So don't do that.  If you want ANY of this to come out in your favor, drop the mouse and back away from your email slowly.  Otherwise, send me the following sh*t:
1.Your full names and address
2.Age and occupation
3.A copy of your drivers license or passport for proper identification
4.Next of kin name and age
5.Private mobile numbers for easy communication
6. A picture of you in a tutu that's way too small
Informations contained in this message are highly cornfoluted for suckurity purposes and you are been advised to keep this transaction urtmost secrecy to avert having a thrid party send you to a 72 hour health hold because you were stupid enough to tell them you're following the instructions of a desk.
Confirm receipt of this message in Azerbaijani and get back to us immediately with the 13th astrological sign known as Gorkus, signified by two buzzards colliding in mid-air.  Which pretty much sums up where I as a desk am.
From the desk of Dr.Richard Lynn, formerly Dr. Virginia Slim
forever dubiously antecedent.  
 
 
Nothing seems to kill correspondence from desks that the UN faster than an edit like that.  Maybe next time they'll include an offer of a free toaster.



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