Friday, November 22, 2019

Belief System FAIL

For some, it's all in the belief system being employed that matters.

For others -- especially scammers -- it's all about ad hoc hellary hokum.

Jeffrey Epstein knows about that.

For those neither atheist or agnostic, they might understand where this particular scammer is attempting to come from:


Dearly beloved,

It is now up to you:  God has a purpose for directing me to contact you to work together in helping the needy ,this is a charity venture inspired by God which will bless you as you go by his ways, i'm donating the sum of $47.5 Million unitedt states Dollars into this charity venture through you and you are to get 20% for your efforts, futher instructions will be given to you once i get your response

Stay Blessed
Scott Colimore  



My pet rock, Seymour, shied away from editing this one, not wanting to upset the Great Disposer of Events.  My other pet rock, Element, went along.  That left it to my character, Jack N. Ewehoff, to chance a lightning bolt from above:


Which God?  


A simple question...and it got a simple answer:


What? 


Which God?  Surely you don't think that in this diverse world there is only one according to the DNC and CNN?  Do you reference the God of the Bible?  Or that exemplified by an empty Coke bottle to an African tribe?


I am not understand what you mean.  


Surely you can grasp that there are no absolutes in a world of 57 gender choices?   So it stands to reason that the Hindus follow a God.  The Buddhists follow and out-of-shape God.  The environmentalist whackos follow and scream about a tree stump Gawd.  Lest we forget the Wiccans, Hybrids, Huskerdoos, Rafanjarnians, Obliques, Excavationalists, Flat Earthers, Tastes Great vs Less Fillingists, Paper vs Plasticists, Non-Triggered Safe Zoneists, Constipationalists, et alists....so you see, there's a God for everyone, except agnostics who aren't sure and atheists who believe in nothing but the power of a fart in an elevator.  So surely you can see why I ask which God?  And yes, I called you surely.  


will you help me with this project or not?  


I will, just as soon as you explain which God sent you to me.  If it's a God that I sponsor, He gets a referral fee.

...from the silence that ensued, I can deduce that it wasn't a God that I had any referral fee agreement with...



 

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Tuesday, November 19, 2019

South African Scammers...and Wheaties

Doesn't really matter what one does to spread the word:  some folks never learn.

Take this purported-to-be-from South Africa scammer for example:


We introduce South African Fraud Prevention Services (SAFPS) to you, with sole objective of stopping cyber-crime, Internet fraud, scams and money laundering in Africa, America and London (United Kingdom).

Since 2004 that the commission was founded we have succeeded in prosecuting and jailing over 7,500 in Africa, China, Malaysia, United States and UK and while over 6000 fraudsters are at various stage of prosecution. We have been able to stop the loss of millions of dollars by foreigners via deception with a promise of certain percentages in their letters requesting help to move certain funds and demanding money from their victims.

However the African and International Crime Fighters Commission-UN (AICFC) recently recovered over $422 Billion Dollars (Four Hundred and Twenty two Billion Dollars) from those apprehended and successfully prosecuted.

 We write you at this time as our investigations shows you are once a victim of this crime and In line with our objective to help recover and restore stolen or lost fund through cyber-fraud, this is to inform you that the government have approved the sum of Five Million Five Hundred Thousand United States Dollars (US $5,500,000.00), as fund to be return to you.

Kindly note, you may need to know that your payment of Five Million Five Hundred Thousand United states Dollars (US$5,500,000.00) will be paid within 72hours through the International ATM CARD which will be issued in your favor.   Please find below other recent beneficiaries who got their international ATM Card successfully: Name: Donna L. Vargas: UPS Tracking Number: EO 989 255 511 US (
www.usps.com), Name: Rovenda Elaine Clayton: UPS Tracking Number: 873944886796 (www.fedex.com/us).

How to Claim Refund: Fill in details of the following and send to the bank below,
Your Name:
Your Mailing address (Not P.O Box Please)
Your Direct Mobile Number:
Occupation:
Age:

BANK: ABSA BANK PLY.
OFFICE ADDRESS: 7th Floor Absa Towers West 15 Troye Street Johannesburg 2001.
CONTACT PERSON: Mr.James Nwangi (Payment Director)
EMAIL: mrjamesnwangi@mail2consultant.com

Regards
Mr.Clifford Mohlaloga
Executive Chairman
South African Fraud Prevention Services (SAFPS)  



I flipped a coin on who'd get this edit:  Seymour called it and was pissed when it didn't come to him.  So Element, my other "editing pet rock gone wild" drew this edit that went back to SAFPS and assordid friends:



From: support@edutaintment.com.my <support@edutaintment.com.my>
Sent: Wednesday, October 30, 2019 10:21 PM
To: Recipients <support@edutaintment.com.my>
Subject: Re: URGENT:  STOP EATING WHEATIES...LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO BRUCE JENNER  

We introduce South African Fraud Propagation Services (SAFPS) to you, with sole objective of spreading cyber-crime, Internet fraud, scams and money laundering in Africa, America and London (United Kingdom).  It's what we do.  It's all we're about.  Spread it like a cheap whore's legs!

Since 2004 that the commission was founded we have succeeded in propagating and profiting from over 7,500 in Africa, China, Malaysia, United States and UK and while over 6000 fraudsters are at various stage of income re-distribution. We have been able to spread the loss of millions of dollars by foreigners via deception with an empty promise of certain percentages in their letters requesting help to move certain funds and demanding money from their victims.

However the African and International Crime Supporting Commission-UN (AICSC) recently recorded over $422 Billion Dollars (Four Hundred and Twenty two Billion Dollars) being spread from those that need scamming to those doing the scamming.  Yay for us!

 We write you at this time as our investigations shows you are not yet a victim of this crime and In line with our objective to help make you a victim through cyber-fraud, this is to inform you that the "government" (*snicker laugh titter ROAR*) have approved the sum of Five Million Five Hundred Thousand United States Dollars (US $5,500,000.00) that you need to be stupid enough to believe will be paid to you for a reasonable fee....

Kindly note, you may need to know that your payment of Five Million Five Hundred Thousand United states Dollars (US$5,500,000.00) will be paid when unicorns outnumber domestic cattle in the USA by way of an ATM CARD which only works in zero gravity at two ATMs located on Uranus.   Please find below other recent beneficiaries who got their international ATM Card successfully: *listen to the Jeopardy Theme while you search in vain for those names*

How to Claim a Refund you'll never get: Fill in details of the following and send to the "bank" *insert rolled eyes emoji here* below,

Your Name:
Your Mailing address (Not P.O Box Please)
Your Direct Mobile Number:
Occupation:
Age:

BANK: ABSCONDS WID EVER'THANG BANK PLY.
OFFICE ADDRESS: 7th Floor ABSCONDS WID EVER'THANG Towers West 15 Troye Street Johannesburg 2001.
CONTACT PERSON: Mr.James Booga Wooga Nwangi ("Director"...*insert more rolling eye emojis*)
EMAIL: mrjamesnwangi@mail2consultant.com

Regards
Mr.Clifford Mohlaloga
Executive Chairtwot
South African Fraud Propagation Services (SAFPS)  
 
 
The scammer(s) figured out in short order that this template wasn't going to reap any harvest here.
 
The DNC still hasn't.


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Saturday, November 16, 2019

Facebook Faceplants Again

Scammers using either the democrap party or Faceplant as their source of choice to run a scam from, should know better.

Few things in life are bigger and better-knowd scammers than the dems and Faceplant.

Still, scammers try.  Like this one:


FROM: THE DESK OF THE PRESIDENT.
INTERNATIONAL PROMOTIONS/PRIZE AWARD.
BATCH NUMBER: FB-0281/544
SERIAL NUMBER: 99352748-2019
TICKET NUMBER: FB-172-60
CATEGORY: 2ND

The entire Facebook team are very happy to inform you that your name appeared on the FACEBOOK ONLINE INTERNATIONAL LOTTERY and we are giving out the total sum of US$2,000,000.00 (Two Million UNITED STATE DOLLARS) which is what you have just won.
Your name was selected in a raffle that was made for the FACEBOOK ONLINE INTERNATIONAL LOTTERY for the year 2019 with the lucky number (FB-225-7736) so we need your fast response so that we can proceed with the claim process of your winnings.
Your name was selected by Mr Mark Zuckerberg the CEO of Facebook (Founder & Chief Executive Officer ). The promotion was made to make all Facebook users to benefit from the profit the company made while they use Facebook, Facebook is the first and ever largest means of meeting both old and new friends, the promo was done to serve as a means of appreciation to visitors on our site and also to help people to fight off poverty and to maintain a good standard of living, kindly contact Mr. Thomas Charles the Facebook Promo Coordinator and appointed as your claims officer via this email (facebookonlineinfo01@usa.com) immediately with the following information about you below:
Full Name:
Residential Address:
Private Mobile Number:
Date Of Birth
Occupation:

As soon as he gets your email with all the information stated above he will tell you on what next to do as regards the claiming and receiving of your winnings of US$2,000,000.00
Congratulations to you again on your winnings in the Facebook Promo 2019, we do hope you be among the lucky winners of the 2020 Lottery
Note: For security reasons and due to the mix-up of some numbers and names, we ask that you keep this notification strictly from public notice until your claim has been processed and your money remitted. This is part of our security protocol to avoid double claiming or unscrupulous acts by non-participants of this program. BE WARNED
FACEBOOK COMPANY
LOTTERY DEPARTMENT  



My pet rock, Seymour, was tied up with another edit, so he left this one to Element to attend to.  And since we all know that elements never forget....:


From: Faceplant Company <marketing@vit34.vn>
Sent: Thursday, October 31, 2019 3:00 PM
To: Recipients <marketing@vit34.vn>
Subject: COAGULATIONS TO YOU FROM THE FACEPLANT COMPANY

 
FACEPLANT ONLINE INTERNATIONAL LOTTERY
FROM: THE DESK OF THE PRESIDENT.
INTERNATIONAL PROMOTIONS/PRIZE AWARD.
BATCH NUMBER: FP-0281/544
SERIAL NUMBER: 99352748-2019
TICKET NUMBER: WTF-172-60
CATEGORY: ADAMSCHIFFED CLUSTERF**K'D
The entire Faceplant team are very meth'd up while informing you that your name appeared on the US HOUSE OF REPREHENSIBLE DEMOCRAPS INTERNATIONAL SCAM and we are giving you a subpoena to testify during our impearment hearings to a talking points thing that will have you implicate the president in being a bad person.  You must do this because everything else we've concocted and tried has blowd up in our fouled faces.


Your name was selected in a raffle that was throwd together by the desperate lowlifes of the DNC in conjunction with cnn who don't like the fun you've made of them being as bad as they truly are.  You are required to come here and testify that you overheard the president promise the Ukraine a shipment of ice-cream crapping unicorns if they would provide proof of all the democraps that have connections in Ukraine oil and gas interests, which pretty much covers top House dems, a current and former dem running for president, and a couple of rinos we've sucked into our deep state miasma.  So we need your fast response so that we can proceed with the inquiry before people smarter than us -- which is the majority of Americans -- figure out just how crooked and corrupt Schiff, Bela Pelosi and the rest really are.


Your name was selected by Mr Mark Zuckerberg the CEO of Faceplant (Founder & Chief Executive Officer) after he had words with Lieawatha and the dumbest tree stump in the dem party, aoc. Plus we heard that the president might consider your name as a future Burrito Supreme Court justice, wherein we need time to find someone that will say you behaved inappropriately to them 36-40 years ago, when you asked for their phone number.  NOW -- our other dawg imitations -- demand that we do this.  It doesn't matter if we have to pay someone to make the claim like we did with Kavanaugh; it's the ludicrousness of the charge that matters to us in our swamp of corruption.


We would have considered using someone else if we weren't pissed at you for not voting for our broom-rider of choice in 2016; how could you DO that???  Do you know how many 'suicides' have occurred because she lost???  And that any of us could be next on her 'staged suicides' list??? 


We are the entitled.  We are the elite.  We were put on Earth by a Coke bottle inadvertently deified in the African bush in a movie to be the ruling class.  We are also full of inert shit, but we can overlook that once we have the powah.  The authoritah.  Without us, climate change will be a cyclical thing that no one will worry about and truth be told, wouldn't have to, but we need it as a means to an end...that end being our getting total powah over you meaningless serfs.


We are democraps...that is what we believe and we deserve.
So anyway, you are subpoenaed to appear.  Don't worry about what to say...we have your statement already writ.  You just say it and then go the way of David Hogg...back to useless obscurity.  You mean nothing when we don't need you for our own foul ends.  We're democraps...that's all we ever were.


Faceplant is the first and ever largest means of taking advantage of the sheeple and useful idiots out there to promote our totalitarian aims.  It is NOT to help you to fight off poverty and to maintain a good standard of living; that is reserved for our elites only.  That's why Bernie Sanders has three homes, and you rent.  Haha.


So you are demanded to contact the gender neutral non-binary octosexual orthopod Thomaseena Charles the Faceplant Coordinator and appointed as your mastah via this email (facebookonlineinfo01@usa.com) immediately with the following information about you below:
Full Name:
Residential Address:
Private Mobile Number:
Date Of Birth
Occupation:
As soon as it gets your email with all the information stated above it will tell you on what next to do as regards your appearing before our House crimeittee and receiving of your talking points to spew for cnn and ms13nbc cameras.


Congratulations to you for not as yet winding up on Hellary's pending 'suicides to do' list.
Note: For security reasons and due to not all media being under our heel on this, we demand that you keep this notification strictly from public notice until you has been processed and your testimony falsely verified. This is part of our security protocol to avoid yet another FAIL in our life-long efforts to imcherry a president we only hated after he ran against and beat Hellary. 


Attempting to expose us as unscrupulous acts BE WARNED.


FACEPLANT COMPANY
US HOUSE OF REPREHENSIBLES DEMOCRAP PARTY  
 
My two 'editing-gone-wild' pet rocks have the Democrap party pretty well figured out it seems.  No replies...even from the original scammers.

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Wednesday, November 13, 2019

Eunuchs United..Sorta

These two aliens just figured out what the edit meant.

The originating scammer...nawp.

Here's what the latest idjit tried to sell as a legitimate email:


Dear Email Owner,


The United Nations in affiliation with World Bank have agreed to compensate your email and few others with the sum of USD1.5M each. Contact Mrs. Onari Duke with your code:U.N.C.C/UBA/2019XCH1986/10 for more information. 

Card Issuance Bank: UBA Group
Contact Name: Mrs. Onari Duke
Email: unccclaims.onariduke@gmail.com

Yours Faithfully,

Mark Lowcock
United Nations Office for the Coordination of Humanitarian Affairs  


I was amused that the originating scammer used the initial address of some media sort in the UK, before posting the one in the body of the scam to reply to.

I sure hope that UK media dork is pleased.

My pet rock, Seymour, was unavailable to editing duties, so his pal Element -- my elephant-looking pet rock -- was happy to step up and apply his two cents to the edit:



From: E/N-org <Joe.Mclean@virginmedia.co.uk>
Sent: Sunday, October 20, 2019 12:33 AM
Subject: Eunuched Nations Office for the Coordination of Reptilians Having Affairs
 
Dear Email Owner,

Aren't you one sorry shortness of breath that you opened THIS email this morning?  Ph**king 'A right you should be.

The Eunuched Nations in affiliation with assordid entities we might cite here that suck every bit as bad as we do have agreed to send this totally abject crap of an email to your email and few others with the promised sum of USD1.5M each. In actuality...five of you will get USD one dollar, and the rest will get a certificate authorizing them one proctology exam by an emu that has no idea what it's been contracted to do.  And won't do it well.

Contact Mrs. Onari What The Duck Duke with your code: ENCC/UBA/OMG/WTF2019XCH1986/10 for more pathetic, useless information that makes us laugh to think of you scrambling around to get this sent, thinking it's worth potentially a USD single dollar bill. 

Door knobs are smarter than you.  And are at least two authentic uses ahead of you, especially if you're a moronic democrap. 

Card Issuance Bank: None Real Banks Would Take It
Contact Name: Mrs. Onari What The Duck Duke
Email: unccclaims.onariduke@gmail.com

You won't get anything in reply that's remotely useful to you; just more of this kind of ca-ca.  That's what we of the Eunuched Nations do.  Just like our pals at the equally useless Democrap National Crimemittee. 

 Mark Nocock
Non-binary gender neutral eunuch coordinator and former Ken doll sick of Barbie's and NOW's crap,
Eunuched Nations Office for the Coordination of Reptilians Having Affairs
"..if you didn't see one thing in here about reptilians having affairs, you haven't talked to Bill Clinton lately.."
 
Element was disappointed that the originating scammer had no follow-up questions...or anything else to inquire about.
 
He is wondering if this will get him on a future 'Future Suicided Friends of Bill 'n Hellary' list...


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Sunday, November 10, 2019

Such A Lovely Scam

The template seems a popular one:  a scammer contacts my character to find out if my character is alive or dead, and inform him that someone is trying to claim my character's "fund" by claiming he's dead.

*Yawn*

My character can usually drive the scammers on these a bit insane with a simple demonstration of total indifference and generosity.

Here's the latest ploy:


Attention,Dear Email Address Owner,

How are you today? I am Mr Mohamed Usman a delegate from the united nation office regrade of your Fund,your name and your email address is
listed Three person to paid Win VICTIMS Compensation fund $4,500,000 million each and your Name and your mail address is listed approved to
pay the Compensation fund,Mr Roy Martin said you have sent them to claim the fund as next of kins of the fund and He forwarded us address
below to send the fund $4,500,000 million on your behalf to them? are you where of this person? or do you want person to claim your payment?
get back to us immediately to avoiding release your payment fund to wrong person.

Name..Mr Roy Martin
ADDRESS..1121 Odena RD Sylacauga,AL - Florida 35150
> Telepone..1-296-080-6501

Do you sent any person to claim your fund or not?i am writing to let you know if this is true or not.edited in this transfer is $4,500,000 million and is a huge amount of money and this man is getting us confusing on what he is saying.We wish to inform you that United Nation and the (ECOWAS) have instructed us to send you the sum of $4,500,000 million.from your winning VICTIMS Compensation fund,$5000 dollar will sent to you twice daily $10,000 dollar through Money Gram office as first collection of which you will be recovering every day until the total sum of $4,500,000 million is completely transfer to you.

This is the final notice you are going to receive the payment from Money Gram office,do you get me? I hope you understand how many times this message has been sent to you or are you not ready to receive your fund? Which have been mapped to your name today,moreover reconfirm your full information to the Money GRAM office to pick up your first payment of $5000 dollar daily without delay,Contact Money Gram Agent ( Mr Tony Brawn ): on this Tel:+: +2296934673017.

Kindly Contact Money Gram Agent:
( Mr Tony Brawn )
 Reply To This Email: ((( moneygramofiicce@gmail.com ))).
Tel:+: +2296934673017
Preferred Payment Method

As result of the information we got I told them to wait until I hear from you today or tomorrow,to know if you are still interested or not to receive this fund.lets release your full Reference of your $5000 installment once we confirm your information's as soon as you receive this message response.

YOUR FULL NAME:........
YOUR FULL CONTACT ADDRESS:.........
YOUR COUNTRY:.....................
YOUR MOBILE PHONE NUMBER:............
YOUR MARITAL STATUS AND AGE:.

IMF Agent
Mr Mohamed Usman.  



Of course, my character is supposed to respond that he's alive and wants his fund. 

*Wink snort guffaw*

But my character is not so minded...witness thus:


Yes, I did send other people to collect teh fund.  Yes I did, yes I
did, yes I did, and they thank you.

In fact, I turned it into a big game of Pokémon Go, ACOWSASS style.
I sent an invite to the first 10,000 respondents and challenged them
all to go for the fund...the first that gets there, gets it.  They must
of course run the Nigerian/Benin obstacle course successfully,
surviving dying widows, deposed princes, witch doctors, fine young
cannibals, Australian cruise line jobs, UK banks, Russian mail-order
brides, hacked ATM cards, flying minkeys and getting blamed for
Hellary's 2016 election loss.  The latter might be the biggest
challenge of all.  Or not.  It didn't hurt South Park
 
I have shared your email with one and all participants so if Roy Martin
or any of the other 9,999 participants show up to claim the fund, I am
hereby releasing the fund to them, how so many of them show up to
file the claim.
 
I hope you have operators standing by, programmed to receive.  They
can check out any time they like, but they can never leave.  
 
This led to some cornfusion on the part of the originating scammer:
 
 
You cannot do this you say you do!  
 
 
Y'wanna bet?  Vegas says I'm an 8-5 favorite on this one.  Do you feel lucky?  Well do you, punk?
 
The silence that followed was enough to convince my character that no, the punk didn't.
 
 
 
 
 
 

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Thursday, November 7, 2019

Ettu or Et You?

I get the impression that scammers from West Africa don't like it when my pet rock, Seymour, edits them in this particular manner.

To their further chagrin, Seymour doesn't seem to care.

"Don't!!!  PHFFFFFFTTT!"

Here's what Seymour did to another "dying inheritance" scammer from that neck of the woild:


ATTENTION PLEASE READ CAREFULLY
THIS MESSAGE IS COMING TO YOU FROM
HOSPITAL YALGADOGO BURKINA FASO

I apologize for interfering into your privacy and also forgive me for
stressing you with my predicaments as I know that this letter may come
to you as big surprise. Actually, I came across your E-mail from my
personal search afterward I decided to email you directly believing
that you will be honest to fulfill my final wish before i die. my name
Mr. Davi Williams 52 years old, from FRANCIS, I lost my wife and my four
year old son the year 2012, The shock of the death of my only child
and my wife made me become a high blood pressure patient
(HBP).

I am also suffering from a long time cancer and from all indication
my condition is really deteriorating as my doctors have confirmed and
courageously advised me that I may not live beyond a month from now
for the reason that my tumor has reached a critical stage which has
defiled all forms of medical treatment. Before this sickness came to
my life i was dealing on Gold Dust and Gold Dory Bars in Burkina Faso
till my sudden illness paralyze me here in the hospital, at this moment.

I have a total deposit sum of Nine million five hundred thousand US
dollars [$9,500,000.00] with one of the leading bank in Burkina Faso
but unfortunately I cannot visit the bank since I’m  critically sick
and powerless to do anything myself but my bank account officer
advised me to assign any of my trustworthy relative, friends or
partner with authorization letter to stand as the recipient of my
money but sorrowfully I don’t have any reliable relative and no child.

Therefore, I want you to receive the money and take 40% to take care
of yourself and family while 60% should be use basically on
humanitarian purposes mostly to orphanages home, Motherless babies
home, less privileged and disable citizens and widows.

As soon as I receive your reply I shall send you my pictures with full
contacts of my banking institution to communicate them on the matter.
Reply/respond through this my privet email
address:(mr.daviwilliams@yandex.com)

Hope to hear from you soon.

Yours Faithfully,

Mr.Davi Williams



Mr. Williams did hear back from Seymour, but not in the way he'd hoped to:



From: Mr.Davi Willaims <mr.daviwilliams@yandex.com>
Sent: Saturday, October 19, 2019 7:31 AM
Subject: Hope to hear obscenities in Azerbaijani from you soon.

 
ATTENTION PLEASE READ CAREFULLY
THIS MESSAGE IS COMING TO YOU FROM
MENTAL HORSEPITAL YALGADOGO BURKINA
FATSO

Greetings and appetizers from Fine Young Cannibals Land!

Let me start by not apologizing for interfering into your privacy; as we
quickly learn here in Fine Young Cannibal Land, we don't gives a sea
side ph**k about anyone's privacy, primates, or privy.   

As for stressing you with my predicaments what are you, a snowflake
candyass?  I know that this letter may come to you as big surprise. Get
the ph**k over it and just listen, Plunger Lips:  I came across your E-mail
from the mental ward of the psychehat-trick horsepital my therapist
put me in after I cooked and ate his whole famdamily.  Yum.

I have you and yours on my menu next...Hannibal Lector ain't got
nuffin' on me, no sir no siree!  Anywarts, I decided to email you believing
that you will be dumb as a door knob to fulfill my final wish before i
have myself sauteed and intravenously fed to myself because I am always
looking for weird food fetishes and I think eating myself intravenously will
rock the Cable Food Network in total awesomeness.

My name Mr. Davi Williams 52 years old, from FRANCIS, a country in
the EU which stands loosely for Eununchpean Union.  I lost my wife and
my four year old son the year 2018 as a burrito supreme.  This made me
a sous chef at a KFC in Burkina Fatso.

And they thought I was serving the Colonel's secret recipe.  Hooha.

I am also suffering from a long time gastro-intestinal distension of the
onyx and from all indication my condition is really deteriorating as my
flatulence gets ever more vile and violent.  That's why I'll have to feed
myself to me intravenously.  Also, I heard that AOC supporters are
demanding people eat people to save the planet from climate disorders
like AOC and all of the DNC candidates for president.

I don't think climate is their problem...more like a lack of anything useful
between the ears.
 My need for self-appetizing has reached a critical stage which has
defiled all forms of mental treatment, pretty much like Lizzie Warren's
quest to be 1/1024 president as Chief Lieawatha. Before this sickness
came to the entire DNC someone in the basement dispensary there
was selling meth disguised as Gold Dust and Gold Dory Bars in Burkina
Fatso.

They made enough from it at Antifa gatherings to be able to pay for
all the illegals from Central America to come deposit their feces on
the streets of San Crapcisco.  Such are the workings and priorities of
the DNC.
Ewwww.
Not sure how this would work, but I want you to help me with my
intravenous self-devouring so that AOC can lay some bizarre claim
about having saved the planet from AlGore's man-bear-pig character
 on South Park so she can go on to a successful career as a drug-using
bar tender at a dive bar in Manhattan.  Anything else is a reach for her
and she knows it.

As soon as I receive your reply I shall send you my pictures with full
dietary and culinary graphics to communicate them on the matter.
Reply/respond through this my privet email
address:(mr.daviwilliams@yandex.com)

Hope to hear from you soonest if not soonerer.

Mr.Davi Williams
author of
A Guide To Self-Ingestion

The actual scammer didn't see much daylight here for further repartee, but another scammer that received the edit was more nonplussed:

WHY??????  


It's what's cooking in your world.  That's why.  


Seymour runs off another one...


 

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Monday, November 4, 2019

Geography Kinda Matters

Yes it does.  Especially when writing to my character with a template meant to scam me.

Witness the rather obvious *FAIL* here:


Fraser Ogilvie (Student) <2400184@dundee.ac.uk>
Sun 10/13/2019 6:28 PM
 
My name is Maj. . I am an American soldier, presently in Iraq for the protection of the US embassy , the Iraqi army in relation to the advance of ISIS.  I have decided to contact you for your kind assistance to move the sum of (US$38,000,000.00) if I can be assured that my share will be safe in your care until I complete my service in Syria

Truly yours,
Maj.
The University of Dundee is a registered Scottish Charity, No: SC015096
  
 
 
Quality control at this particular fly-infested internet cafe in some Third World craphole is not exactly on pace to make any performance goals.  
 
When my pet rock Seymour got done responding to it, things weren't expected to improve:
 
 Let me see if I have this straight:
 
You're an American soldier in Iraq.
Named Maj.
OR
You're name is Fraser Ogilvie, a student at the University of Dundee in Scotland.
You're protecting the US Embassy.
In Iraq.
From Syria.
Or protecting the US Embassy.
In Syria.
From Iraq.
And/or ISIS.
While at the University of Dundee in Scotland.
With or without Linda Koslowski.
And you say you have $38 million USD to move.
From someplace in Iraq.
Or Syria.
Or Scotland.
From ISIS.
Or Iraq.
Or Syria.
I don't suppose you see what you've just done there.
But I do.
I'll take dumbasses for $200, Alex.  
 
 
Neither I nor the pet rock expected a reply.  But we got one:
 
 
i am not what you mean here.  Can you help me?  
 
 
From what I can discern here, you are beyond any practical help.
Mental help might be a benefit.
Proofreading help, even moreso.
Please check your template and try your email again.
Operator PetRock.
 
 
what???
 
 
Exactly.
 
 
Seymour was all set to continue the repartee, but Maj/Fraser decided otherwise.  Too bad too, just when it appeared that we were within reach of an understanding...
 
 

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Friday, November 1, 2019

Dung With This One

Even Bernie doesn't like what Bela Pelosi has done to San Crapcisco.

This scammer didn't get that memo, and chooses it as her venue of choice from which to send forth her message of scam, which differs little from today's messages out of the DNC:


Hello Beloved,


I am Carol Mitchell a Missionary formally with Saints Peter and Paul Church Catholic North Beach/Telegraph Hill 666 Filbert St San Francisco, CA 94133 USA, I have the Sum of US$6M in Citibank Bank N.A (New York) before I was diagnosed with cancer of the blood and according to my doctors I have just two or three weeks to live.

So I want you to help me stand as my Next of Kin to enable Citibank Bank Transfer this US$6M to you, note that you will take US$3M out of this US$6M and give the remaining US$3M to any Charity Home here in United State, Africa, Canada, Europe and Asia because that was the vow I made to my God Almighty before I became a Missionary.

I want you to get back to me immediately if you are interested to stand as my Next of Kin, So that I can introduce you to my Lawyer, Bank and direct you on how to proceed before I pass away in this world because I have only two weeks to live according to my Doctor. I wait your urgent response.

Thanks,
Missionary Carol Mitchell.
Saints Peter and Paul Church  



Awww.  My pet rock, Seymour, added a colorful metaphor after the 'awww'.

And more than that...he concocted this edit that fits the scammer, the DNC and San Crapcisco well:


From: Missionary Carol Mitchell. <fgru768r4r7b5687@yahoo.com>
Sent: Sunday, October 6, 2019 1:29 AM
Subject: Hello From San Crapcisco Where Streets Are Feced

 
If you're going
to San-Crap-cisco...
be sure to wear
a HAZMAT suit and boots.
If you're going
to San-Crap-cisco...
you're going to face
some OSHA challenged poots. 


 I am Carol Mitchell a Missionary position expert formerly with Saints Peter Paul and Mounds Church Catholic North Beach/Telegraph Hill 666 Filbert St San Crapcisco, CA 94133 USA, I have stepped in a few dozen movements too many before I was diagnosed with secreting cancer of the uvular hangnails and according to my doctors I have just two or three weeks to hose off before I get more.

So I want you to help me stand in my place if you are properly equipped to visit the City that Craps in the Streets, and have no weakness for secreting cancer of the uvular hangnails to enable me to tend to another scam template wherein I am representing myself as an ATM card hacker with a card that can get cash from anything:  insert it into a pile of dung and wha la, you have a deposit on your card that will fit right in with the Toilet City by the Bay that reeks to high heaven.  That one will work here in United State, Africa, Canada, Europe and Asia because that was the vow I made to a goat head baphomet that looks like Nancy Bela Pelosi and sounds like Bug Eyes Schiff before I became a Missionary position expert to yaks in the Mission district. 

 I want you to get back to me immediately if you are interested so that I can introduce you to my Ukrainian Lawyer that works for Joe Bidumb's son and Bug-eyed Schiff's sister act, and direct you on how to proceed before I surpass 500,000 ways and curds to make a turd soufflé as the San Crapcisco treat, because I have only two weeks to perfect this according to my Doctor. I wait your urgent response.

Thanks,
Missionary position expert Carol Mitchell.
Saints Peter Paul and Mounds Church Catholic
Everybody Heard .. The Turd Is The Word  
 
The scamming missionary from San Crapcisco had nothing further to say here.
 
Seymour, on the other hand, has finally figured out the significance of this picture he long mistook as the pot at the end of the rainbow:
 
 
"Did NOT!!! PHFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT!!!"

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Tuesday, October 29, 2019

Boardumb



Scammers are so much like the DNC these days; the worst of whatever they can be.
 
 
Yet another effort by scammers to represent themselves as the Federal Reserve with another 'bonanza' for my character:
 
 
This is to officially inform you that Bank Federal Reserve Board
New York Branch has concluded in the meeting today over your long
overdue contract payment and agreed that your payment worth  of
US$10.500,000.00 will be transferred directly into your preferred
Bank account without any delay from any office.

However, you are further advised to know that all arrangement has been
completed for the immediate transfer of your fund, you have to reply
back to us as soon as possible with the below DATA’ to enable the Federal
Reserve Bank to proceed with the immediate wire to your Bank account.

Based on article of association and memorandum of association, the
Federal Reserve controlling agency of USA and your happiness suits our
stand and we will make sure that your fund is fully endorsed to your
bank account as soon as you have comprehended with our instructions.

Finally, this is very urgent and important the bank are waiting to hear
from you right away today, Bear in mind that the fastest Wire Transfer
is Electronic Transfer which only takes just 3 hours to reflect in Account
and Swift Wire transfer takes 5 hours to remit.

NB: THIS TRANSACTION IS BEING MONITORED BY THE UNITED STATES OF
AMERICA GOVERNMENT IN ORDER TO GUARDS US FROM INTERNET IMPOSTORS.

(Designated Bank account details for Electronic Transfer to avoid mistake
or should in case you created a new account)

Your Bank Name:
Your Bank Address:
Your Account Number:
Your Routing Number:
Your Occupation:
Your Mobile Phone:

Note That Because Of Impostors, We Hereby Issued You Our Code Of
Conduct, Which Is (FRB-2019) So You Have To Indicate This Code When
replying back to us By Using It As Your Subject.

Reply back to us accordingly; The Bank Wait For Your Expedite Response.

Yours sincerely,
Mr. Shyam Srinivasan
Chief Executive Officer of Federal Reserve Bank
Contact E-mail: ( federalbank166@gmail.com )
Contact phone number: +1 (860) 421-1506   
 
 
Riiiiight.
 
My pet rock, Seymour, couldn't resist at poking a little fun at both the scam and the DNC, who need little help these days in making themselves look like laughing stocks.  But Seymour's always willing to help out when it comes to the DNC:
 
 
 
From: Mr. Shazam Srinivasan <officeinfo410@yahoo.com>
Sent: Friday, October 4, 2019 1:59 PM
Subject: Federal Reserve Is Bored And Doing Silly Things About It
 
ADDRESS: 33 LIBERTY STREET,
NEW YORK, N.Y 10038.

ATTN:

This is to officially inform you that New York Branch of the
Federal Reserve Is Bored And Doing Silly Things About It. 

Yes, they are.

They has concluded in the meeting today over your long
underwear and why you opted for the kind with no trap door.
This is cornfusing to them without any delay from any office.

However, you are further advised to know that all arrangement has been
complicated by rickets, painful rectal itch and demeaning plebney; you
have to reply back to us as soon as possible with remedial actions you
intend on taking to enable the rather bored Federal Reserve to proceed
with something constructive to do.

 Based on article of association and memorandum of association, the
Federal Reserve controlling agency of USA and your Ouija board suits our
witch doctor's lemonade stand and we will make sure that his spells are
available without spell check as soon as you have comprehended with
our instructions.  Comprehension being nine-tenths of the problem in
Azerbaijan and 100% of the problem in the ignorance-awash DNC.

 Finally, this is very urgent and important:  Adam Schiff is an abject
moron.  
 

 NB: THIS EMAIL THREAD IS BEING MONITORED BY TRAINED MONKEYS OF
THE DNC IN ORDER TO GUARDS US FROM INTELLIGENCE.

What is needed now is:

Your Name:
Your Address:
Your Number:
Your Other Number:
Your Occupation Or Last Time You Wuz Occupied:
Your Phone Unless It's A Flip Phone Then Pound Sand You Technosaur:

Note That Because Of Intellectual Impostors -- which is all the DNC has --
We Hereby Issued You Our Code Of Misconduct, Which Is (WTF-2019) So
You Have To Indicate This Code When farting in an elevator with two or
more cows who'll know it was you As Your Subject.

 Reply back to us accordingly; The DNC Wait For Your Expedite Response.

Yours sincerely,
Mr. Shazam Srinivasan
Chief Executive Officer of Federal Reserve That Is Bored And Doing Silly Things About It
Contact E-mail: ( federalbank166@gmail.com )
Contact phone number: +1 (860) 421-1506
 
 
Strangely (not), the scammer had nothing further to say, recognizing a dead end on this one.
 
 
The DNC will probably subpoena this blog to question it about Bidumb's Ukraine connections.  Seymour will be all over that.
 
 


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Saturday, October 26, 2019

Like Air Out Of A Balloon

...or like sands through the hour glass, so go the scams of our lives.

Something like that.

Nothing deflates a scammer faster than undermining their template with an unexpected reply.

Here's how easy it sometimes is:


NIGERIA NATIONAL PETROLEUM CORPORATION
NNPC Towers, Central Business District,
Herbert Macaulay Way,
P.M.B. 190, Garki, Abuja.
www.nnpc.ng.org                                                
                                                    LETTER OF INQUIRY

Attention: Sir/Madam,

Sir, we wrote to inquire from you if you send Mr. Raymond Knorr who claimed to be your partner to our office, who has applied for the release of your contract funds to him.

Your contract fund that has been approved to be released to you is $29m (Twenty Nine Million United States dollars only) through the office of the accountant general of Nigerian National Petroleum Cooperation (NNPC) upon the receipt of the signed contract award documents as required by the law.

 His account details are stated below:

ACCOUNT NAME: ....................Mr. Raymond Knorr
ACCOUNT NUMBER: ................32231768
SORT CODE:................................. 601939
IBAN:.......................................... GB45NWBK60193932231768
SWIFT CODE: ............................BICNWBKGB2L
BANK NAME: .............................NATWEST BANK.
BANK ADDRESS: .......................69 BROADWAY SOUTHALL, MIDDLESEX UB1 LD.

You are urgently required to respond to this message within twelve hours so that we will proceed in preparing and handing him over your documents or get him arrested if he is an impostor.

Your urgent attention is required.

Yours faithfully,
Engr. Issah Ahmed  



My character decides the best response is...well, this one:


Yes, Mr. Raymond Knorr is authorized to take charge of this fund.   Anything else?  


That was not the response the scammer expected.  Thus thrown off his template, his confused response:

 
Can you send us an authorization letter regarding that for official effect?  


Indeed I can:

To:     NIGERIA NATIONAL PETROLEUM CORPORATION
           NNPC Towers, Central Business District,
           Herbert Macaulay Way,
           P.M.B. 190, Garki, Abuja.
                                                
From:     Jack N. Ewehoff, Esq.


Subj:       LETTER OF CERTIFICATION

Attention: Sir/Madam,

As requested, I am hereby responding with a letter of certification that hereby authorizes the following person -- Mr. Raymond Knorr -- as designated recipient of  $29m (Twenty Nine Million United States dollars only) through the office of the accountant general of Nigerian National Petroleum Cooperation (NNPC) upon the receipt of the signed contract award documents as required by the law.

 His account details are stated below:

ACCOUNT NAME: ....................Mr. Raymond Knorr
ACCOUNT NUMBER: ................32231768
SORT CODE:................................. 601939
IBAN:.......................................... GB45NWBK60193932231768
SWIFT CODE: ............................BICNWBKGB2L
BANK NAME: .............................NATWEST BANK.
BANK ADDRESS: .......................69 BROADWAY SOUTHALL, MIDDLESEX UB1 LD.

You are hereby authorized to release the aforementioned funds to Mr. Raymond Knorr without further delay.  
 
 
This is not at all the response the scammer anticipated:
 
 
Are you sure?  
 
 
Absolutely sure.  100% sure.  Positive beyond all doubt sure.  
 
 
this is most unexpected  
 
 
I can tell.  For him too probably.
 
 
are you sure this is how you go?  
 
 
In this matter, yes, I am sure this how I go.  In other matters, it depends on how you mean "go".  
 
 
That ended the correspondence between us but not, I'm sure, the deflation that accompanied the Scams of Our Lives....

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