The Artful Scamster Part VI

I guess an employer -- any employer -- has limits. And this email from Daniel Djuric suggests he's starting to reach his with Jacques:

Hello Jacques: I am not understanding this methods of yours but i not thinking you are honourable.You keep changing our contractual agreement and adding things we not agree to.I want you now uphold your part no more changes.I expect you to send moneygram the two money orders ASAP.You only keep 20%.Stop this strange behaviour or I must seek legal options with your FBI about you.Money orders are nothing wrong with.You dont have to wait for bank to verify. Do what you promise now. Wait to hear from you soon.

I sense a new urgency and pending end to this artful scamster's patience; I also sense his worsening grammar LOL. So let's see what this response does:

Daniel: I feel I am most unappreciated here. May I presume to remind you that I am doing you a service, a service YOU sought ME out for. What's more, I am trying to protect YOU from the potential of your having unsavory and dishonest clients, who send you not good money orders. And this drivel you send me is your thanks for my loyalty?

Sheesh. It so happens that I just checked with my soon-to-be 7th ex-wife's bank, and they have determined that the first money order is valid (my ass) and they await verification of the second set of them. Once I hear on that, I will process the money orders, and send your representative the balance, less my 45% fee (TOING). After all, this extra work was not part of our original agreement. It is only fair, as fellow honourable men and artists, that you accept this.

As for the FBI, I recall you having mentioned them at the outset of your offer to give me the business. You really want to call them to look at me? Fine: call 'em. I have nothing to hide. But the local field office manager here does. I am well acquainted with the local FBI field office manager here. I attended his bachelor party at the Municipal Zoo, and he and I have excellent understandings, now that I have in my possession photos of him in a compromising sexual escapade with a llama that night. So call them if you wish, but think hard about what can of creamed corn it might open.

I'll contact you with shipping details when the bank tells me the other money order is validated.

It's apparent that Daniel now seeks to get what he can, and quickly:

There is no need you wait on second moneyorder. Send now the first money order.You only hold 20%.This we agree to.No more delay on your part of this.Wait to hear from you shipping confirmation.

So much for the FBI threat. Y'don't suppose the sexual escapades with llamas reference hit a responsive chord? Er...naaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah. Or....?:

Daniel: don't you just beat all! I will send your representative the balance of the two money orders, not just the one, less my 50% fee, once I have confirmation of the second one. Not before. I won't make two trips to Walmart when one is all we need. That'll save you 2% (I guess a moneygram costs 2% of the total balance sent). See the kind of employee I am?

Daniel almost seems to throw his hands up in defeat, though with some glimmer of hope he'll still get something out of Jacques besides the jerkaround that Daniel intended to deliver:

Okay Jacques, I will be waiting for your mail as soon as you have it sent with the reference number, amount send and the name you used in sending it. Waiting to hear from you ASAP.

Waiting a few hours, I respond with the coupe de chicken:

Daniel: we're good to go. The second money order has cleared scrutiny by my soon-to-be 7th ex-wife's bank, and I have just returned from Walmart and sending to your designated representative the moneygram as you originally instructed. The relevant information is as follows:

Sent: 23 February 2006
Reference#: 8564711240 (I used the same number as Daniel did for the Fedex shipment, less the last two digits; think he'll notice?)
Amount: $2500.00
Sent to: Mike Smith
Jonkoping 355012
Ryhovsgatan, Switzerland (I thought it might frost him a bit if I jumbled up the original sending address, and 'sent' it thus..not to mention my silent upping of my percent by only 'sending' $2500 of the $8750 total. My checkbook balancing is about as bad...)

The Walmart customer service fella had a bit of a problem with the address at first, but I gave him what I recalled with my photographic mammory from your earlier instructions, and insisted he send it just as I provided it. He did, and your representative should have no problem with retrieval.

You got anything else pending for me?

Your loyal employee.

Comes Friday morning, and Daniel is becoming annoyed with his insubordinate subordinate:

I believe I should know exactly what's going on with my money and stop playing with my intelligence.I hate when people take me for a fool so let me know the situation of things as regards the payment. I warn you.

Oooooooooooooooooooooooooooh...he maaaaaaaaad:

Daniel: since many artists are sissy-miris, I find your warning highly amusing. But I digress.

Speaking of playing with intelligence, I sincerely wish you'd provide a bit more to play with; I've had more fun with Silly Putty. One place where we have commonality, Daniel, is I don't like being taken for a fool, either. I like even less being taken for one by someone who desperately needs practice at it.

You may trust me, Daniel, when I tell you that you've been sent exactly what you deserve to receive. That's what your designated representative picked up.

If there is anything else I can do for you in your effort to give me the business, please don't hesitate to let me play with your intelligence further. I find you're easier to play than you found me to jerk off. But I give you this: you're easy to work. REAL easy.

This response draws no counter from Daniel, so I waited until Saturday morning to send to his email (Ddjuric01@yahoo.co.uk) a further 'tweak':

Daniel: just checking in to see if your representative has picked up your money yet. And to see if you had anything else pending for me; being worked by you has proven so lucrative, I'm happy to let you give me more of your business. Oh, and my soon-to-be 7th ex-wife was also asking me about one of your original Djuric photos of the sexually exploited badger. An autographed copy, of course.

She has weird taste, that woman; she settled for me, but I digress.

Happy weekend to you, Daniel. Mine will be too: I'll be spending it at the South Carolina shore, thanks to your generosity.

Alas, it doesn't appear that he received it; what I got was a reply from the infamous Mailer-Daemon, informing me that "This user doesn't have a Yahoo.co.uk account".

He used ta did. Guess that means I'm fired.

Oh well. Guess that also means that Jacque's soon-to-be 7th ex-wife, Sharon Fallatio, won't be getting her Djuric original photo art of the sexually exploited badger. As Mick Jagger once sang, "you can't always get what you want".

But I want you all to note that Jacques Meehoff held up his end as an honourable employee: Daniel got exactly what he had coming.

The Artful Scamster Part V

As heretofore noted, the artful scamster, Daniel Djuric, had indicated that his first client had sent money order #1 via USPS, and he (so far) believes Jacques Meehoff when Jacques says he's received it; and client #2 had sent the second money order (in five parts) via Fedex, (*sound of screeching tires*) when it absolutely positively has to get there overnight.

Which it didn't, but that's part of the fun: him believing it did.

The next step in the farce is Daniel's updated email on the Fedex shipment:

Just tracked the package containing the payment and found that an attempt at delivery has been made but you weren't home to receive it.Kindly call fedex on this number (1.800.247.4747) to know when the next attempt to deliver will be made today or better still you will have to get to the local fedex office around you to pick up the package yourself.If you intend waiting for the second attempt today, there is a need for you to leave a signed note on your door for the courier deliverman instructing him to drop the package for you.Send me an email as soon as you get the package because i will be on the lookout for your email.Have a good day and hope to read from yoy soon.

"An attempt at delivery has been made but you weren't home to receive it". Hoooooooo. An attempt to deliver. By Fedex. To 69 Yankpud Way in Clodumbia, SC. He even gave me a tracking number for the package (856471124020)!

Y'don suppose that there really is such an address, do you? In Clodumbia, SC?

Bwhahahahahahahahaha!

This guy is fast becoming my favorite scamster. And I thought Mary/Grace Kobe was a dolt.

At any rate, after he recomposed hisself, Jacques replies:

Daniel: I genuinely do hate when this happens; I step out to the outhouse for a few of 'those' moments, and a delivery comes right then, dagnabbit. I will go to Fedex to pick it up; it'll be easier that way.

I also forgot that today was a bankers' holiday (Presidents' Day), so can't cash either money order until Tuesday. I'll be in touch with details.

Ever-efficient Daniel is right back at me:

OK, I will be waiting to hear from you as soon as you pick up the package at local fedex office and I will be expecting also the transfer details of the first transaction tomorrow.Have a great day (bwhahahaha) and hope to read from you soon.

In da woids of Bugs Bunny, "what a gullibull...what a nincowpoop". Can this guy really be worse than I'm supposed to be?

Now it's Tuesday morning, and it's time for the next 'tweak' of my eagerly gullible employer/scamster:

Daniel: And a right fine day to you, too.

You will be happy to know it's Tuesday, and the banks are open! You'll be happier to know that I, first thing, cashed the first money order from client #1!

And in the spirit of our being honourable men and all, I am sure that you'll approve of what follows. My girlfriend -- my soon-to-be 7th ex-wife, Sharon Fallatio -- works at the bank where I help you do your business to me. She's many things, including a cynical bi..wench. But she suggested, and I reluctantly agreed (I know how you are about contractual obligations and such), that I do the following:

1) cash the money order
2) deposit the money order
3) wait for the bank to verify the authenticity of the money order
4) once the bank has done so, deduct my agreed-to 30% fee (TOING) and send you the balance. Or rather send the balance to your designated representative.

I will do the same with the five-part money order when I collect it, later this morning.

It's not that I don't trust you, my good employer; you have proclaimed your honourable status, and I have reason enough to accept this in the manure it's probably intended that I accept it. And in keeping with that between honourable men, it is this that my bi...er..wench points out: just how honourable is your purchasing client? Hmmm?

So I'll have the bank hold the money order cash until they are verified, and then I will moneygram your representative the balance, less my fees and flexible expenses. Which, of course, won't be deducted until verification is complete.

I am confident of your approval, as I have been confident of your honourable transparency right along. I know lots of folks who wish they could have a boss like you.

I'll keep you apprised of the progress. OH...by the way, Sharon says she wants one of your exquisite and unique artworks for her collection. do you have anything that suggests sexual exploitation of a badger?

With that, I think Daniel's getting confused:

I really dont understand you anymore but I just want to know if you have pick up the package at the local fedex office.I will want you to keep checking your account if the funds are available for withdrawal and I will be waiting to hear from you soon.

One last 'tweak' before Jacques settles down to test Daniel's patience:

Daniel: worry not, all is well among honourable me. I have the Fedex package. All the money orders are cashed and deposited in my soon-to-be 7th ex-wife's bank.

Now we wait. Once the bank verifies the authenticity of the money orders, I will deduct my 40% (TOING) agreed-to fee and send your representative the balance, via Walmart moneygram.

Up next and quite possibly the grand finale: Part VI -- What The Apprentice and Jacques Meehoff Come To Have In Common...

The Artful Scamster Part IV

Employer/employee relations. Let's face facts: some 'employees' just don't appreciate what their employers try to do to/for them.

Mwhahahahahaha.

Not that employer/employee relations are relevant to this: most genuine employers don't hire folks just to dupe them (note I said 'most' LOL). But let it never be said that my artful scamster 'employer', Daniel Djuric, isn't genuine as an employer.

Of duping tactics. He just isn't very good at it, as he's shortly to prove. Again and again.

Knowing what my good dupester has planned for me, he adds to it with his next email by notifying me of yet another 'client package' enroute to the fictitious address of the to-be-artfully-duped Jacques Meehoff, at the 69 Yankpud Way street address in Clodumbia, South Carolina. In a rambling email, he informs me that (a) this is a five part money order, totalling $4750, and that it is coming via Fedex. He further informs me that (b) I am to act on this second money order first, and hold up on the first $4,000 money order that was sent to Jacques via USPS. He then tells me (c) after I deduct my 10% fee, to moneygram the money to his designated representative, rather than use Western Union (it's cheaper, he says). And he provides me with that designated representative's info:

Mike Smith
Ryhovsgatan 355012
Jonkoping, Sweden

*TOING*...Sweden?

And he finishes with a helpful flourish: YOU CAN SEND THE FUNDS IN ANY WALMART STORES AROUND YOU.

How thoughtful, an artful scamster of an employer, giving Jacques an easier and more convenient way to get suckered. All employers should be so accommodating.

As promised in Part III, Jacques decided in his reply to start testing the 'sincerity bond' of employer and employee in this unique situation, by introducing a couple addendums to the original agreement:

Daniel:

It's proving to be a most brisk business you're giving me here. That is most gratifying to know.

Let me make sure I understand the instructions: you want me to wait on the first money order, and prioritize the second, larger money order. You want me to moneygram it from a Walmart near me, to your designated representative in Sweden (lucky bas..guy).

As the ever-loyal and grateful employee in this business of yours, I will make haste to get on it. But first, just a wee little issue I need to run by you (time for my TOING right back at him).

I got to thinking about this great service I'm doing you, letting you use me in the go-between manure you are. Granted, I agreed to this as stipulated. And there is no doubt that I can use the extra income, having six ex-wives and a dozen bratty rugrats to have to support. Supportin' them on turkey inseminating just doesn't get very far. So I really do appreciate this business you're giving me.

That said, I am going to withhold 20%, not the originally agreed-to 10%, from each money order I receive. I think that's fair. Once you agree, I'll get on with the money order parade and get these out in the order you've designated.

I'm sure you'll understand, being yourself an artist and all, and will not begrudge me this small stipend to aid in my financial situation.

Thanks for your understanding in advance.

Daniel wasn't long in replying to that (a little over an hour, in fact):

We have agreed on this before my clientele's send the payments to you, you are a man of honour and I believe you should honour your words/stand by it as agreed before now.the company's rep will be using the funds to acquire some more art works for the company from Sweden. We could make new arrangements on subsequent payments since you want 20% on each transactions, we already have a contract and I don't like breaching contracts because I like keeping to my words.Thanks for letting me know your mind and you are really appreciated. Hope to hear from you soon.

And shortly on the heels of that email, came this one:

I want you to take the first set of money orders, encash at your bank first thing Monday morning and send the rest after you might have deduct your 10% as earlier agreed then when you recieve the second money orders you follow the same process..ok.

Jacques sends a prompt reply:

Daniel: So now you DON'T want me to wait on the first money order, but to cash it and then follow up with the second money order when it arrives. I can do that.

However, you apparently didn't understand my last email, so I will clarify: I will be withholding 20%, not the original 10%. I explained my just and sound reasoning for this, and by your willingness to consider this at a future date, I am sure you'll bend to the expedience of advancing that consideration to the present. As a fellow artist, I can feel it in my bones that you understand and will accept this addendum to your giving me this business.

I will be out for the rest of the day, but I assure you that I will act on your shipping instructions at my fee rates with dispatch on Monday. I will next contact you with shipping affirmation.

Not really: Daniel wouldn't know, and I forgot, that Monday was a federal holiday (Presidents' Day), so I had a great excuse for delay, but I digress for a mo'.

Meantime, Daniel demonstrates a flaw trait he shares with many scamsters in his next email:

Ok, since you have already make up your mind that you will be withholding 20% so be it.I will be waiting to hear the details of transfer as soon as you have the first transaction send. Hope to hear from you soon.

Don't you just love an accommodating, pragmatic employer?

Next up: Part V -- I was never good with percentages...or contractual agreements with scamsters...or ex-wives...

The Artful Scamster Part III

We've already discussed the subjectivity of what constitutes art (Part I). At any rate, I shamelessly mined my collected (from a wealth of sources) photo archives for some choice photo art (aka phart) created by more gifted (and better software equipped) artisans than yours truly, and complied with my original promise and Daniel's request:

Daniel: I have sent you a small but very representative sample of my photographic art work (aka, phart), and I hope you are more impressed by it than some so-called art critics were..n't.

This first selection (directly at right) speaks to my taste for classic art, and I modestly call it Mona's Friday Night Fantasy.

I think you'll agree that none of us truly knew Mona.

The second selection (above center) is part of my impressionism collection; this one is called Mugu Introspection. I can tell you it's a hit in the social elite and political circles, without question.

The third selection (top right) highlights my occasions of dabbling into portrait photography: I call this stunning portrait of a truly stunning woman, Beer And Barlight Defiant.

A monk-maker if ever there was one, to be sure.

And finally, the pastry resistance -- which wouldn't be the case if the things were stored in Tupperware -- is from my photo philosophical collection (top left). This one is called A Train of Zen Thought Meets Murphy's Law.

Indeed.

I hope you have enjoyed perusing this collection and drawing from it the inevitable conclusions one might have to draw -- no pun intended -- every bit as much as I have enjoyed your efforts.

I can hardly wait for your feedback.

I figgered this would prove the undoing of my shortest 'employment' ever. Color me amazed:

This is to let you know you got the job and to acknowledge the receipt of the artworks samples you send me. You have strange art, but I am okay with it.

I am expecting a payment from a clientele of mine sometime next week and as soon as the payment is sent and I am informed of it, iwill send you an email of the transit details so that you can be on the lookout for it.Hopefully this will mark the beginning of a good business relationship between us.Have a good day.

His eagerness to overlook obviously faux art led me to do some internet research to see exactly what his scam angle was. Devilishly clever, in the words of Daffy Duck: his ploy is to send the dupee (aka, Jacques) an authentic-looking money order; when the dupee takes it to the bank to deposit it, it clears initially. Thus, there is time for the dupee to Western Union the funds onto the scammer, with the 10% subtracted. Meantime, after a delay (long enough apparently for the scammer to get and cash the WU), the bank comes back to the dupee and lets the dupee know the check was invalid, and they are debiting the dupee's account for the full amount of the check. And, of course, the scammer's email & etc contact numbers in the meantime go phffffft.

At least, that's his plan.

So *rubbing hands together*, 'Jacques' shall await notification that the 'check' is enroute. To the home address 'Jacques' gave on his application. An obviously fictitious address. Before the mailing can be returned (Undeliverable -- Return To Sender), 'Jacques' will acknowledge receipt.

And have some fun with Daniel. By balking at forwarding the balance.

In the words of Sheriff Roscoe P. Coaltrane, "Hot pursuit, geeyuck geeyuck!"

Next up: Part IV (we hope) -- Employee/Employer Relations

Quail Duck

Time for a blog ramble (worry not; the Artful Scammer will return).

In life, accidents happen. Somehow, when they happen to the rich, famous and powerful, they're more interesting: From cars off bridges, to golf balls into galleries and some bimbo saving a semen-stained dress, even down to a little buckshot between game birds and friends. Bottom line, accidents happen in life all the time. Why else would the AFLAC duck not be a gourmet meal right now?

Of course, when an accident happens to a bigwig -- especially a political one -- the rules change. And change. And change.

Here we have an accidental shooting on a private Texas ranch, involving the current vice-president. Anyone else, and it ain't nothin' but a thing and a PETA protest. And little more than a local thing at that. But because it did involve the current vice-president, and because a beltway press corps of arrogant, spoiled, snot-nosed brats has their nose out of joint that they weren't told first, it's the biggest thing to come along since the last biggest thing (that wasn't) to come along.

Last time a vice president wound up in the spotlight for shooting, we have to go back to Spiro Agnew, spraying the gallery with golfballs. I don't recall that amounting to much. Or even Aaron Burr, spraying Alexander Hamilton. I don't recall the hubbub over that, having been indisposed at the time, since I as currently constituted wasn't, and I don't know who I was as then incarnated (if you buy into that notion), but I digress.

I'll leave the politics of the accident to the talking heads (pontificating toilets...amusingly ironic). I'll leave the comparisons of Burr vs Agnew vs Cheney vs Ted Kennedy vs The Clintons & Vince Foster, et al, to the same talking heads. I'll especially leave the current air-headed conspiracy theorists to their own moronic drivel.

I have something much more obfuscationally interesting to ponder here.

Take the four personages of some notoriety pictured here. You're probably wondering what, if anything, they have in common. Probably not enough, but why stand on logical ceremony? All I have to do is apply the same kind of logic used by waskally progressives, and any analogy is thereby possible.

What do these four men have in common? Hunting, for one: each has hunted something in their life. Three of the four have hunted the same office; two of the three have bagged it. At least two of the four have hunted live game: one, wabbits and ducks. The other, pheasant, quail and a lawyer.

I'd go off about how there needs to be a season so more of us could have that pleasure legally, but I'd be digressing more.

One is animated: that's the way he's drawn, and he's sticking to it. The other three aren't, though it's argued that the three non-animateds are in serious need of something, even some degree of animation, depending on your own charisma rating and which side of the aisle you're on.
But which of the non-animated three is, in real life, most like Elmer Fudd?
Good question. And every bit as relevant as the question of why the beltway press wasn't told about the hunting accident before the rest of the world. Perhaps even moreso.

First off, let's be as clear as this whole blog entry is: Elmer Fudd has never been a vice-president. Far as I know, he's never run to be vice-president, let alone for the higher office. Which is probably just as well: like Jimmy Carter, he's had unfortunate and well-documented run-ins with a maniacal rabbit, and neither he nor Carter fared well in those encounters, doing little for their respective images.

But of the three most recent VPs/wannabes, who is most like Elmer?

I deliberately left out the 'Breck Girl' John Edwards: for now, we're looking at potential shooters, not the potentially shot.

Al Gore certainly places high on the list. His voice pattern is discernibly similar. His physical demeanor isn't far off, save for the full head of hair and the beard, if he still has it (forever changing his image, that waskal). And for all his purported intellect, he says some of the stupidest things, as Elmer is wont to do. Where he loses points, at least in my subjective rating, is in his John Kerry style of being on both sides of something: he's opposed and supported gun rights. Just ask him. Don't expect the answer to make sense.

Dick Cheney has more of that Elmer look physically, save for the glasses. Personality-wise, his public demeanor appears consistent, though a bit more assertive. But his speech pattern isn't terribly close, and there's little doubt that -- unlike Elmer -- the wabbits, ducks or anything else of game variety never get the best of him (Cheney). Nor will lawyers from now on.

A message to Scooter Libby? Get real: if a message at all, it's more geared to David Gregory, who's far more in need of growing up, knocking off the 6 year old squallin', wipin' his nose and taking note here.

Finally, Joe Lieberman. A vp-almost. He has the look, especially if he'd don that silly hat Elmer wears. And the speech pattern. AND the voice inflection. He even has a level of contemptuous treatment from members of his own party, comparable to that Elmer gets from Bugs and Daffy. In fact, the more whacked-out members of his own party wish he was where Cheney is now, so he'd be easier to get rid of, politically.

And there you have it*. The envelope, please...drum roll... and the winner is.....Joe Lieberman!

While I'm off on one tangent, here's another quickie: note to conspiracy theorists: Joe Lieberman snuck down to Texas, masquerading as Dick Cheney, and shot the lawyer to get back into good graces with the freak show element of his party, by disgracing Cheney as (a) a loose cannon (b) a bad shot (c) a lawyer-hater.

When viewed through the prism of progressive logic, it's entirely plausible.

Hooha.

* what 'it' is depends on what your definition of 'it' is

The Artful Scamster Part II

Picking up with Daniel Djuric and his artful scam, I was to fill out an employment application and interview for this position. In five years of scamsters, this is a first: I have to apply for the privilege of being taken to the cleaners.

The following is a replication of the application he emailed to Jacques, and the completed form Jacques emailed back:

EMPLOYMENT FORM

FIRST NAME: Jacques
SURNAME: Meehoff
ADDRESS: 69 Yankpud Way, Clodumbia, SC 29162, USA
PHONE: Yes, I have one...oh...803-665-4377
GENDER: Male last I looked
MARITAL STATUS: Singular
AGE: Chronologically, 55
NATIONALITY: American
ID NUMBER: A-011986574 (he never said what kind of ID number)
CURRENT JOB: Turkey inseminator/Louis Rich Farms, Inc.
ADDRESS OF CURRENT WORK: 3 Clusterflock Lane, Clodumbia SC 29164
HOW LONG WORKING THERE: 25 years of artificial turkey f...inseminating
WORK EXPERIENCE/SPECIALIZATION: I inseminate turkeys for Louis Rich, who can't hold onto them and do it himself anymore; as a hobby, I do abstract painting and photo art which I smell on the side.
ATTESTATION: in accordance to earlier instructions, you are required to recieve payment on behalf of the above mentioned firm. YOu are to deduct 10% of all funds processed on a particular order & forward the balance payment via moneygram to anyo fo the companies regional warehouses that will be given to you later. You will notify the company a week ahead if eventually you want to discontinue this job, so as to terminate all payments coming your way to avoid conflict for Danile Djuric and DDjuric Arts Work Inc. UK.

This was emailed back to him in the morning; within the hour, I received the following response:

I wish first to congratulate you.After I consider all the applications (yeah, RIGHT), I choose you as my American representative. I look most forward to our working relationship and mutual trust it requires.

I will need to know shortly from you where is address you prefer to receive clientele payments, your home or work. Advise me soon as possible, as I have orders waiting process.

My quick response:

Daniel, I am thrilled that you have chosen me from how many ever others you offered to take on this deal; it's an honor I've known before, but it's still a thrill to know someone thinks I'm good to be had.

Down to business: have the materials sent to my home address on the application; it would be hard to explain such deliveries at work, and there I usually have my hands full, in a manure of speaking.

And Daniel wastes no time in reply:

This is to acknowledge that I will inform all clientele to send payments to your home address, so that this may be expedited. I look forward to our business.

Also, I send you a sample of my art works (Part I) and you promise that when I hire you, you would share with me some of yours. I look forward to see what you do.

And I look ever so forward to show him what I -- or should I say others -- do.

Part III: A Gallery of ..... ???

The Artful Scamster Part I

Art. Depending on your definition of it, it's either easily recognized, or an acquired taste; an example of the former would likely be something by Picaso, Rembrandt or Ming Dynasty pottery. An example of the latter would clearly be the 'Christ on a crucifix submerged in urine' piece of crap that was passed off by progressives as 'art' in the 1990s. Definitely an acquired taste by those without any (taste). These same folks are demanding understanding at Muslim outrage over some cartoons about their prophet Mohammad.

Typical 'progressive' think-dysfunction, but I digress.

At any rate, one persons' art is another persons' gar(b)age sale item. Van Gogh was an artist; Robert Maplethorpe is more a tabloid trash purveyor, the Larry Flynt of fauxart. One spectacular flop of a 20th Century artist wannabe would be Adolph Hitler. To the end of his miserable life, he fancied himself an artist. History might tend to agree that he was an architect alright, but with a far different legacy than that of a Rembrandt.

But ol' Dolph appreciated the art of scamming, no doubt.

Which brings me to the latest scammer I -- or one of my many guises -- engaged in verbal repartee. This particular scam didn't last long, but it was a new angle I hadn't been approached with up to now. Witness the following introduction from Daniel Djuric, alleged artisan and entremanure:

FROM THE DESK OF DANIEL DJURIC, DIRECTOR OF CREDIT CONTROL UNIT, DDUJURIC ARTS WORK INC., UK

Attention: YOUR ASSISTANCE IS NEEDED IN ACTUALIZING THIS GOAL

Let me start by introducing myself to you, I am (see his intro above). I saw your contact during my private search in the Internet (in the Internet?) and I want to believe that you will be very honest, committed (many argue I should be) and capable of assisting in this business venture.

Let me explain. I am an artist by proffesion,I have been into artwork (the artwork of scamming) since I was 12 years old as a child (I don't want to ask whatelse he'd of been at 12, do you?) I have 28 years experience (proffesional 20 years). I majored in art in high school and took a few college art courses. Most of my work is done in either pencil or airbrush mixed with color pencils.

I have been smelling my artwork (that HAS to be a Freudian typo) for the last 3 years and have had my work featured on trading cards, prints and in magazines.I have sold in galleries and also to private collectors from all around the world (any of you have an original Djuric?).

I am always facing serious difficulties when it comes to selling my art works to Americans (yup...they hate getting taken, dagnabbit). They always offer to pay with US money order, which is difficult for me to cash here in UK because it takes 30 days to clear which invariably fixes the money until it is available for withdrawal. I am looking for a representative in the US who will be working for me part-time (and being taken one time) someone who would help me recieve payments from my American customers.

I will pay 10% for every transaction of payment made, which wouldn't affect your present state of work (only winning Powerball or dying would do that...) I mean someone that is responsible and reliable, because the cost of coming to US and getting payments is expensive.

I need you to be my representative, who will handle payments that will come in your name, so all you need to do is cash the money order, deduct your percent, and wire the rest to me.

The only problem I have is trust but I have my way of getting anyone that gets away with our money, i mean the FBI branch in Washington gets involved ( J. Edgar puts down the feather boa and gits on the trail of them scalliwags alright) It wouldn't cost you any amount, you are to recieve payments whill be sent to you by fedex or usps from my business partners, which would come in form of a money order then you are to cashi it and send the cash to me via Western Union (TOING).

If this proposal satifies you , please reach me immediately for more clarification about how this will be done.

Yours faithfully,

Daniel Djuric

Sounds pretty straightforward, don' it? Save for the fact that I'm a firm believer in the adage, "if it seems too good to be true...".

But what's to be lost in replying? Certainly my guise for this one saw it in that light:

Daniel: I love art! Like you, I am an aspiring artist, though I specialize in con of a photographic type of art. I would be happy to show you mine, if you show me yours (minds out of the gutter). For now, I find your proposal intriguing, in that it is artfully proposed, designed and conceived, no doubt to give me the maximum business possible.

I want to hear more.

When you're ready, send me details of your plan, and I'll share with you our mutual appreciation of the various and sundry arts involved herein.

Jacques Meehoff

In his reply, Djuric sent me the alleged-to-be-his example of his artwork (pictured above). Picturesque, no?

At least it isn't submerged in urine.

He also sent me, believe it or not, an employment application form. No kidding.

Next Up: The Application And The 'Interview'

Better Than Mooning Your Valentine

Back in '03, some yahoo -- Dennis Hope -- laid claim to the Moon, and began selling plots, claiming he 'owned' it.

It goes to show what can happen after one drunken night with ones' pants down, and they're never the same, but I digress.

At any rate, I suppose that if you're looking for some really unique 'gift' for your 'tine -- when candy, flowers, and mortgage-value jewelry has become *yawn* -- 'owning' a piece of the Moon is...something different.

But I can go him one better. In later '03-early '04, my friends at Bonco, UnInc -- creators of a wealth of one-of-a-kind products -- came up with the ultimate sc..er..unique gift idea: selling plots of Uranus.

Yep. Uranus.

Specifically, Uranus Acres by Bonco.

Leave that special someone in your life speechless * **.

* while supplies last, which should be quite a while...

** until she starts in with the epithets, that is...